Loneliness: it is interesting that loneliness is now rated as a real and serious risk to your health with increased rates of depression, suicide, reduced ability to fight off illness, dementia, etc. I have tried living by myself. NOT a good idea for me. The longer I was alone, the more powerful the AVPD got and the more i was pulled down into the mind games of AVPD. The only thing that prevented suicide was (literally) a hooker who cared and talked me through the holiday season when I was 62. By the way, a BIG warning. I am a survivor of suicide (my wife). After living through it, I realized that we are all just ripples in a pond and everyone goes on. That makes suicide easier to consider as a way out. What I have learned in the last year (now 72) is exactly what Jake is talking about. Small steps. For me, I first had to learn to recognize when AVPD was in control. Everything I say or do when AVPD is in control SEEMS perfectly normal TO ME. When I am not near (in time) to a trigger, I feel and view social interactions pretty much the same way everyone else does. That was may have been hardest for my daughters to understand. Not understanding the changes in me that occur as AVPD takes control, I never realized what was happening. Now I recognize AVPD when it starts to stir. My 1st small step was getting back into therapy. My next was when AVPD starts to stir, I consciously and simply tell "it" and myself that I was not going to go down that road. From my experiences, the biggest key to dealing with AVPD is having at 1 person who understands and can warn you when AVPD starts to change your behavior. Right now, for me, it is the therapist who does not hesitate to tell me when I am going off the "deep end". Jake, you can count me in if you get that group going. David
It’s amazing the progress you’ve done, don’t give up and keep doing what your doing. Many people care about you even people that don’t know you want you to do better. I got to your channel because of my son he is 17 and we don’t have en exact diagnosis but I feel he has a lot of trades of Avpd. It’s been a difficult journey but watching your videos has giving me a lot of hope that he will succeed and be happy at the best of his abilities.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm really happy to hear I could help you find hope for your son. Anxious people might have to work harder to find happiness, but we can do it :)
It feels so good to hear somebody talk about this. I feel so misunderstood often times. I would like to know how you deal with looking in the eyes of the other person while thinking and speaking at the same time. Because its so hard for me to think, while looking at a person who is staring at me
Totally on the same page there, as soon as I'm even around other people my brain shuts off and my mouth hardly works. I still haven't figured it out completely. I guess I have a couple different approaches depending on the setting. When I'm in public and talking to complete strangers, I try to focus mostly on certain simple goals-make eye contact, say hi in a positive tone of voice, smile if my jaw is still working. When I have to have longer conversations with strangers there's nothing really to do but get through it. I apologize a lot for how slow I'm thinking/acting and explain that I'm really nervous. When I'm talking with my support group, people who are basically new acquaintances, I find I do much better, simply because I know they're also anxious. But I do find myself separating eye contact and thinking. I look at the floor or off in the distance while formulating a thought, then make eye contact when I feel like I can finish speaking the sentence, haha. So no great solution, it's just a huge challenge for us, but it comes down to getting the practice with it we've missed throughout our lives, yet taking it at a pace that doesn't just make things worse (baby steps).
hey jake, I found your channel through the video "Diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (Avpd)". There are hardly any videos where those affected by this disorder talk about it from their point of view (Understandably) First of all, I would like to thank you for that. 🙏 Unfortunately, I have not received a diagnosis, but I am 100% sure that I have this personality disorder. My therapist has told me there is a good chance I have this disorder, however I have only been diagnosed with social phobia so far. As a child, I was already different from the others. Ever since I was a child, I've actually always been excluded from other children and people made fun of me for many more years (from kindergarten to the 8th grade), that must have been the trigger. I think people knew my weak point and therefore took advantage of me. They knew better. To this day I can't say "no" to Strangers, or classmates. I have scraps of memory from criticism I received when I was 6 years old... I was called ugly by a random group of guys half a year ago. At least I think they meant me... I'm always so easily attacked that I'm paranoid. (I actually got screened for PPD too, but never got the result because I left the clinic early) This condition is killing me. I always have to compare myself to other people, try to find strengths in myself, but I only see my weaknesses. I quitted school last year in november and doing nothing since, Just waiting for my time to therapy or that Something bad will happen. I broke off a friendship today (my first, only one in 13 years) because it didn't feel right to have a friendship as I've lived without one for 13 years and feel like I don't deserve any at all. This problem got so close to me that I actually wanted to end my life at the beginning of this year and came to a closed clinic for a short time. To this day I still have these suicidal thoughts because of this personality disorder and it's only getting worse. Every time I receive negative criticism, suicide is the first thought that comes to mind as a solution. AVPD is underestimated and it's really sad to know that this disorder is/wasn't researched as well as other personality disorders. I wish you a good recovery and a lot of strength :) Greetings
Hi :) I have been in a similar spot to how you feel now. It's awful. No one really understands what we have to go through. It feels like no one could ever possibly care. And one of the things I hated to hear the most was people telling me that "things will get better". It made me feel like I was doing yet *another* thing wrong when things inevitably didn't get better. Like I was a different species from all the people for whom things just "got better". Imagine my disbelief now-things actually are turning around for me. I think you can literally see the difference between that first video and this one. What changed is that I realized that I am worth caring about, and I am able to be caring to others. I don't know exactly how I finally realized that, after years of constant self-hate and suicidal thoughts. I guess because I figured out where my anxiety came from. You're clearly very intelligent, self-aware, and deeply insightful. You know that your anxiety came from people treating you terribly unfairly. We find it impossible to see anything in ourselves except negative traits, not because there is no good, but because we've had negativity forced on us by others, again and again. You absolutely do deserve to have friends. You are clearly a person worth befriending, as I can tell from one YT comment that you're smart, kind, and personable. Trust me, I know how hard it is to trust positivity. Even if you believe that I mean those things, that doesn't necessarily mean you can believe them yourself. I 100% get that. I'm saying these things anyway because I really mean them, and I really want you to know that. I also want you to know that I would be proud to consider myself your friend :) I would be very happy to talk to you anytime, about anything, whether in comments on any of my videos or over email (jakeavpd@gmail.com). Please stick around
@@JakeAvPD heya jake, ,,No one really understands, what we have to go trought " hits hard, but its the harsh truth. My mother always would think, im just shy, that i have social phobia, and that i got the diagnosis for that, makes it worse, because im sure she wasnin her head like:,, i was so right." And that she would'nt make a big deal about my perpective/fear. She do understands me, but i feel like she dont set herself in my shoes, but tries to see herself in my situation in HER shoes, thats a huge diffrence. Id told her, that i have AVPD, but she still says things like:,, you dont need to be so awkward" ,,You're always so uptight" just shows, that she never even read about this disorder. I relate ALOT to your commentary, also the feeling of ,,being a diffrent species" (i should test myself vor autism too, i have alot of similar symtoms) i often dont even know, what my sexuality is. I know im female, but that doesnt kinds feels right. Im really sorry, that you had to feel the same way... Anyway, youre right about that too, thats pretty exhausting to keep heraring that everything gets better, but its kinda diffrent to hear that from someone with AVPD, thank you for that! I really do cant imagine how you feel, because AVPD is a permanent condition that im feeling, its like its my personality and not just a "disorder" i feel this ,,sickness' is a part of me and always have been. Im really happy for you, that you found your way, really. About the break up with my friend, it wasnt just the feeling of not deserving a friend, i just had the feeling that im constantly stressing her with my problems i dindt wanted that anymore. I still dont believe in any kind of recovery right now to be honest, but still, thank you :) Id be happy to see your recovery and life-perspective with this disorder, ill keep in touch. New sub 😊
@@Rikamiza I actually completely agree-AvPD really feels like a permanent part of my personality, too. That's what's weird, I'm still just as anxious about everything, very little has changed there. I still can't go to my mailbox without feeling super self-conscious and terrified, much less work or go to school. But my depression has improved a lot, and so I actually have reasons I want to fight my anxiety, where before I felt like there was no point in trying to fight it. So my AvPD will stay with me, but I can slowly learn how to stop letting it control everything I do. And yeah, it's something that's impossible to believe until it happens. It's just a bit of hope, maybe :) I've often felt like I was constantly stressing my friends out, too. Not as much with my school friends, because we mostly talked about video games, lol. But I feel that way with my brother often. When I apologize to him about that, he usually tells me I really wasn't stressing him out at all. That might be the case with your friend, too. We are so worried about making people uncomfortable that we don't always give them enough credit :) I can promise you won't stress me out-I love to talk to other people dealing with AvPD, and it feels like we can help each other quite a lot!
@@JakeAvPD Yeah, i read that. The huge diffrence between social phobia and AVPD is, that you see AVPD as a big part, or mostly, as your personality. Meanwhile people with social phobia know its just a temporary Problem to a specefic situation. They KNOW, theyre anxiety is triggered by something, while AVPD is kinda always there, like a part of your personality. I always was thinking, this condition is ,, normal " for me, like its just a part of my Character and that there is not a name for this. I didnt even knew, there is a disorder for something like that three years ago. People with AVPD usually find this out years later, when theyre realize, that theyre behavior isnt ,,normal" anymore. It was okay to miss a day at school, or dont go to every party, but as soon as you grow up and have to be completely independent (that means, no instructions from your parents), that's when I really realized, my behavior is not normal. I wasn't even able to got myself Looking for a job, or doing important things, such as phone calls or appointments, on my own without help. I can do simple things, like ask strangers, when i cant find something im looking for at the supermarket, or if im in the right train, but i feel nervous before asking and still ask myself :,, what were theyre thinking?", as i approached them. ,,Maybe i made them feel awkward " something like this. And youre right about that also. Depression makes it worse in believe in healing. I still kinda dont have a reason to make it all better, i dont even like myself, so why should i help myself. Im so glad you got that focus, wish i had it. I dont even think, AVPD is healable, but treatable. It really is what i am, i dont know who i am without this disorder, i cant imagine. Its like forgetting how to ride a bycicle, wich isnt possible, when you already know how to do it for years. Im sorry that you feel the same way, it is probably the same concept, makes sense. Im just too used to it to avoid people and relationships. I hope my text arent too long, haha. Im just kinda happy to chat with someone about it, who understands it. Im pretty sure, we could kinda help each other too, thank you. :)
@@Rikamiza Sorry for the long delay in replying! I assure you it's not because your message was too long, haha. I love having in-depth conversations :) I've been moving into my new place. And I had the exact same experience. I thought AvPD was just me, because clearly social anxiety disorder as my diagnosis did not explain everything. And I also really began to realize just how bad it was just as I was finishing up with the required part of school and trying to start out on my own. I think it's true that AvPD isn't really healable, BUT that doesn't mean we as people are not healable. I hope and believe that you will find that focus one day too, my friend :) It will probably take years, but it's truly amazing how good it feels. I've experience a bigger change in my happiness than "normal" people ever will, haha. Thank you for being here :)
HI, Jake! Good video. In my case, having been subject to relentless parental control and criticism, led me to fear and be overly concerned about public exposure and impression management. As AVD individuals, we have an unwillingness to reach out unless there is massive evidence that it is safe to take the risk. Practicing eye contact and reminding yourself you are an interesting person and a good person will eventually lower your inhibitions and allow you to be less protective of your imagined shortcomings. But you know that already. So many logical points in this video! You are focused on the right things. CHEERS!
Wow, this video is exactly what I'm going through right now too. Thank you for this open reflection. I'm currently going to therapy, and I'm quite sure that I have AvPD. Here in England I am being referred to a specialist in personality disorders to see if I actually do have it. I never considered myself lonely, as I actually like being alone, but recently I have been yearning more for social interaction and often fantasising about it too. I write poetry on Instagram to help express myself, and that's my only form of social interaction.. which is not much at all. I'm wanting to write a poetry book about living a life of solitude. I will be buying your book from Amazon 👍🏻
I felt very similarly. I said I liked being alone, and to a significant extent that is true-many of the things I enjoy tend to be pretty solitary, whether because they require a lot of concentration (writing books/music, gamedev) or for other miscellaneous reasons (for example, not everyone enjoys the sort of music I listen to constantly, and I also have habits like listening to the same song on loop for hours which would drive other people nuts). But to some extent, I said I liked being alone because I was so scared of being around others that it did not even occur to me that I might find great fulfillment in it. I hope the diagnosis process is smooth and painless for you. I think that when you know you have AvPD, you know, but it is affirming to yourself and anyone close to you to make it official. I hope you write that poetry book someday, and I'd love to hear about it :)
Always been terrible at eyecontact to the point i thought i might be autistic or it be an adhd thing. i realised i did it too little or sporadically but after I noticed i ended up sometimes looking at people too much because i dont know whats natural or appropriate ever, i wing it dependant on who im around, if the other person requires no eye contact i wont do it as.much as someone who does. Or its also.dependant.on how.i am feeling at the time. Im guessing its also connected to shame and hiding things about ourselves, so we wont want to 'leak' or express through eye contact either. I used to have to tell people how j felt in the dark lols. Didnt suppose this one would come up as an example 😂
Dear Jake, thank you for sharing your story, I am sure you are a big support for a lot of people. You finally made me realize what is going on with my loved one and it really touches me on a very deep level. I feel sorry because now I realize under how much pressure I put him at times. I now know that it’s not me that he isn’t sure of or the relationship. It’s himself on a profound level. I feel stupid for not having connected the dots earlier especially since I am a therapist myself. But I guess I was too much caught up in my own pain of loving him so much but at the same time feeling that distance that didn’t make sense to me. Well now it does and I hope there is still a way to turn this around and find a way to be with him without giving up my own needs. Thank you again and bless you!🙏
Thank you so much for sharing that, Tina :) I wish you both the absolute best of luck in working things out, and, without knowing you either but knowing myself, I would suppose your odds are very good :)
@@JakeAvPDthat’s sweet of you to say and gives me hope. I am just not ready to give up on him and us because I can see his beautiful soul underneath all of it. As for my profession I guess it’s a blessing and a curse (threat) at the same time. I will keep watching your videos and educate myself further, for sure!
Hate to not have any indepth thoughts in regard to this topic yet but stayed up all night so running on no brain juice anyway I like listening to your voice I'm wondering if you are from Arkansas? I can't pinpoint the accent
Hello Jake! The strategies that you mentioned to cope with loneliness aren't they what a CBT therapist would suggest? I remember in your first videos you had told that CBT didn't work for AvPD. I assume that now after a lot of work with yourself you are much more susceptible to CBT and other approaches! ❤
Hi Christina :) That's a great observation, there are definite similarities. I guess I had to get there on my own. I think there are a few things I was missing with CBT: 1) You need a real reason to push yourself; a social/emotional goal you actually want to achieve, not something you feel like you have to do, and 2) you have to be happy with taking miniscule baby steps; you can't just try to suddenly function like normal and expect to "get over it". When I was in CBT, my therapist and I had the goal of getting myself to a place where I could work. That's not only a very distant goal for someone who is a low-functioning AvPD; it's also more of a "have to" goal than a "want to" goal. It's also not a goal directly related to interpersonal development, which means that I was essentially skipping a step-I wasn't trying to get more comfortable talking to people; I was trying to figure out how to ignore that problem so I could work. I think a CBT therapist who's familiar with AvPD could certainly try to account for these factors :) Thank you for the encouragement and the insightful comment. I hope you're doing well!
Start with speaking to people at the grocery store! “Hello! How are you? Nice shirt! It’s been so hot lately, huh?!” Eye contact is hard for me too, but if you just try, then people can see you. Man! Women actually want to date you because you seem nice! No one is good at it with new people! We are trying to learn about them! It is naturally a little awkward!
Sometimes we over think things you need to find a hobby feel the fear and do it anyway try to stop over analysing things stop being too self aware use headphones when out in public take a book with you when you go out get a job in a cafe or food place join a gym do exersise take your mind off thinking do deep breathing exercises do distraction exercises bring fun into your life lifes too short stop putting labels on yourself your just human and flawed like everyone else in the world try and be interesting learn to find out about orher people ask questions look interested other people are shy nervous anxious too go to a concert get a life before its too late and you get to my age 44 and realise your life has gone get hobbys now!! Then you wont have time to think....stop thinking altogether try meditation try to laugh at yourself and try not to take your life too seriously has anybody told you life is short??? Its over in a blink of an eye.. self absorbtion needs to Stop.
Loneliness: it is interesting that loneliness is now rated as a real and serious risk to your health with increased rates of depression, suicide, reduced ability to fight off illness, dementia, etc. I have tried living by myself. NOT a good idea for me. The longer I was alone, the more powerful the AVPD got and the more i was pulled down into the mind games of AVPD. The only thing that prevented suicide was (literally) a hooker who cared and talked me through the holiday season when I was 62. By the way, a BIG warning. I am a survivor of suicide (my wife). After living through it, I realized that we are all just ripples in a pond and everyone goes on. That makes suicide easier to consider as a way out. What I have learned in the last year (now 72) is exactly what Jake is talking about. Small steps. For me, I first had to learn to recognize when AVPD was in control. Everything I say or do when AVPD is in control SEEMS perfectly normal TO ME. When I am not near (in time) to a trigger, I feel and view social interactions pretty much the same way everyone else does. That was may have been hardest for my daughters to understand. Not understanding the changes in me that occur as AVPD takes control, I never realized what was happening. Now I recognize AVPD when it starts to stir. My 1st small step was getting back into therapy. My next was when AVPD starts to stir, I consciously and simply tell "it" and myself that I was not going to go down that road. From my experiences, the biggest key to dealing with AVPD is having at 1 person who understands and can warn you when AVPD starts to change your behavior. Right now, for me, it is the therapist who does not hesitate to tell me when I am going off the "deep end". Jake, you can count me in if you get that group going. David
It’s amazing the progress you’ve done, don’t give up and keep doing what your doing. Many people care about you even people that don’t know you want you to do better. I got to your channel because of my son he is 17 and we don’t have en exact diagnosis but I feel he has a lot of trades of Avpd. It’s been a difficult journey but watching your videos has giving me a lot of hope that he will succeed and be happy at the best of his abilities.
Thank you so much for the kind words! I'm really happy to hear I could help you find hope for your son. Anxious people might have to work harder to find happiness, but we can do it :)
It feels so good to hear somebody talk about this. I feel so misunderstood often times.
I would like to know how you deal with looking in the eyes of the other person while thinking and speaking at the same time. Because its so hard for me to think, while looking at a person who is staring at me
Totally on the same page there, as soon as I'm even around other people my brain shuts off and my mouth hardly works. I still haven't figured it out completely. I guess I have a couple different approaches depending on the setting. When I'm in public and talking to complete strangers, I try to focus mostly on certain simple goals-make eye contact, say hi in a positive tone of voice, smile if my jaw is still working. When I have to have longer conversations with strangers there's nothing really to do but get through it. I apologize a lot for how slow I'm thinking/acting and explain that I'm really nervous.
When I'm talking with my support group, people who are basically new acquaintances, I find I do much better, simply because I know they're also anxious. But I do find myself separating eye contact and thinking. I look at the floor or off in the distance while formulating a thought, then make eye contact when I feel like I can finish speaking the sentence, haha. So no great solution, it's just a huge challenge for us, but it comes down to getting the practice with it we've missed throughout our lives, yet taking it at a pace that doesn't just make things worse (baby steps).
hey jake,
I found your channel through the video "Diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder (Avpd)".
There are hardly any videos where those affected by this disorder talk about it from their point of view
(Understandably)
First of all, I would like to thank you for that. 🙏
Unfortunately, I have not received a diagnosis, but I am 100% sure that I have this personality disorder.
My therapist has told me there is a good chance I have this disorder, however I have only been diagnosed with social phobia so far.
As a child, I was already different from the others. Ever since I was a child, I've actually always been excluded from other children and people made fun of me for many more years (from kindergarten to the 8th grade), that must have been the trigger.
I think people knew my weak point and therefore took advantage of me. They knew better. To this day I can't say "no" to Strangers, or classmates.
I have scraps of memory from criticism I received when I was 6 years old...
I was called ugly by a random group of guys half a year ago.
At least I think they meant me... I'm always so easily attacked that I'm paranoid. (I actually got screened for PPD too, but never got the result because I left the clinic early)
This condition is killing me.
I always have to compare myself to other people, try to find strengths in myself, but I only see my weaknesses.
I quitted school last year in november and doing nothing since, Just waiting for my time to therapy or that Something bad will happen.
I broke off a friendship today (my first, only one in 13 years) because it didn't feel right to have a friendship as I've lived without one for 13 years and feel like I don't deserve any at all.
This problem got so close to me that I actually wanted to end my life at the beginning of this year and came to a closed clinic for a short time.
To this day I still have these suicidal thoughts because of this personality disorder and it's only getting worse.
Every time I receive negative criticism, suicide is the first thought that comes to mind as a solution.
AVPD is underestimated and it's really sad to know that this disorder is/wasn't researched as well as other personality disorders.
I wish you a good recovery and a lot of strength :)
Greetings
Hi :)
I have been in a similar spot to how you feel now. It's awful. No one really understands what we have to go through. It feels like no one could ever possibly care. And one of the things I hated to hear the most was people telling me that "things will get better". It made me feel like I was doing yet *another* thing wrong when things inevitably didn't get better. Like I was a different species from all the people for whom things just "got better".
Imagine my disbelief now-things actually are turning around for me. I think you can literally see the difference between that first video and this one. What changed is that I realized that I am worth caring about, and I am able to be caring to others. I don't know exactly how I finally realized that, after years of constant self-hate and suicidal thoughts. I guess because I figured out where my anxiety came from. You're clearly very intelligent, self-aware, and deeply insightful. You know that your anxiety came from people treating you terribly unfairly. We find it impossible to see anything in ourselves except negative traits, not because there is no good, but because we've had negativity forced on us by others, again and again.
You absolutely do deserve to have friends. You are clearly a person worth befriending, as I can tell from one YT comment that you're smart, kind, and personable. Trust me, I know how hard it is to trust positivity. Even if you believe that I mean those things, that doesn't necessarily mean you can believe them yourself. I 100% get that. I'm saying these things anyway because I really mean them, and I really want you to know that. I also want you to know that I would be proud to consider myself your friend :) I would be very happy to talk to you anytime, about anything, whether in comments on any of my videos or over email (jakeavpd@gmail.com). Please stick around
@@JakeAvPD heya jake,
,,No one really understands, what we have to go trought " hits hard, but its the harsh truth.
My mother always would think, im just shy, that i have social phobia, and that i got the diagnosis for that, makes it worse, because im sure she wasnin her head like:,, i was so right."
And that she would'nt make a big deal about my perpective/fear.
She do understands me, but i feel like she dont set herself in my shoes, but tries to see herself in my situation in HER shoes, thats a huge diffrence.
Id told her, that i have AVPD, but she still says things like:,, you dont need to be so awkward" ,,You're always so uptight" just shows, that she never even read about this disorder.
I relate ALOT to your commentary, also the feeling of ,,being a diffrent species" (i should test myself vor autism too, i have alot of similar symtoms) i often dont even know, what my sexuality is. I know im female, but that doesnt kinds feels right.
Im really sorry, that you had to feel the same way...
Anyway, youre right about that too, thats pretty exhausting to keep heraring that everything gets better, but its kinda diffrent to hear that from someone with AVPD, thank you for that!
I really do cant imagine how you feel, because AVPD is a permanent condition that im feeling, its like its my personality and not just a "disorder" i feel this ,,sickness' is a part of me and always have been. Im really happy for you, that you found your way, really.
About the break up with my friend, it wasnt just the feeling of not deserving a friend, i just had the feeling that im constantly stressing her with my problems i dindt wanted that anymore.
I still dont believe in any kind of recovery right now to be honest, but still, thank you :)
Id be happy to see your recovery and life-perspective with this disorder, ill keep in touch.
New sub 😊
@@Rikamiza I actually completely agree-AvPD really feels like a permanent part of my personality, too. That's what's weird, I'm still just as anxious about everything, very little has changed there. I still can't go to my mailbox without feeling super self-conscious and terrified, much less work or go to school. But my depression has improved a lot, and so I actually have reasons I want to fight my anxiety, where before I felt like there was no point in trying to fight it. So my AvPD will stay with me, but I can slowly learn how to stop letting it control everything I do. And yeah, it's something that's impossible to believe until it happens. It's just a bit of hope, maybe :)
I've often felt like I was constantly stressing my friends out, too. Not as much with my school friends, because we mostly talked about video games, lol. But I feel that way with my brother often. When I apologize to him about that, he usually tells me I really wasn't stressing him out at all. That might be the case with your friend, too. We are so worried about making people uncomfortable that we don't always give them enough credit :) I can promise you won't stress me out-I love to talk to other people dealing with AvPD, and it feels like we can help each other quite a lot!
@@JakeAvPD Yeah, i read that. The huge diffrence between social phobia and AVPD is, that you see AVPD as a big part, or mostly, as your personality. Meanwhile people with social phobia know its just a temporary Problem to a specefic situation. They KNOW, theyre anxiety is triggered by something, while AVPD is kinda always there, like a part of your personality.
I always was thinking, this condition is ,, normal " for me, like its just a part of my Character and that there is not a name for this. I didnt even knew, there is a disorder for something like that three years ago.
People with AVPD usually find this out years later, when theyre realize, that theyre behavior isnt ,,normal" anymore.
It was okay to miss a day at school, or dont go to every party, but as soon as you grow up and have to be completely independent (that means, no instructions from your parents), that's when I really realized, my behavior is not normal. I wasn't even able to got myself Looking for a job, or doing important things, such as phone calls or appointments, on my own without help.
I can do simple things, like ask strangers, when i cant find something im looking for at the supermarket, or if im in the right train, but i feel nervous before asking and still ask myself :,, what were theyre thinking?", as i approached them.
,,Maybe i made them feel awkward "
something like this.
And youre right about that also. Depression makes it worse in believe in healing. I still kinda dont have a reason to make it all better, i dont even like myself, so why should i help myself.
Im so glad you got that focus, wish i had it.
I dont even think, AVPD is healable, but treatable.
It really is what i am, i dont know who i am without this disorder, i cant imagine.
Its like forgetting how to ride a bycicle, wich isnt possible, when you already know how to do it for years.
Im sorry that you feel the same way, it is probably the same concept, makes sense.
Im just too used to it to avoid people and relationships.
I hope my text arent too long, haha. Im just kinda happy to chat with someone about it, who understands it. Im pretty sure, we could kinda help each other too, thank you. :)
@@Rikamiza Sorry for the long delay in replying! I assure you it's not because your message was too long, haha. I love having in-depth conversations :) I've been moving into my new place. And I had the exact same experience. I thought AvPD was just me, because clearly social anxiety disorder as my diagnosis did not explain everything. And I also really began to realize just how bad it was just as I was finishing up with the required part of school and trying to start out on my own. I think it's true that AvPD isn't really healable, BUT that doesn't mean we as people are not healable. I hope and believe that you will find that focus one day too, my friend :) It will probably take years, but it's truly amazing how good it feels. I've experience a bigger change in my happiness than "normal" people ever will, haha. Thank you for being here :)
HI, Jake! Good video. In my case, having been subject to relentless parental control and criticism, led me to fear and
be overly concerned about public exposure and impression management. As AVD individuals, we have an unwillingness to reach out unless there is massive evidence that it is safe to take the risk. Practicing eye contact and reminding yourself you are an interesting person and a good person will eventually lower your inhibitions and allow you to be less protective of your imagined shortcomings. But you know that already. So many logical points in this video! You are focused on the right things. CHEERS!
Thank you, Noelle :)
Wow, this video is exactly what I'm going through right now too. Thank you for this open reflection.
I'm currently going to therapy, and I'm quite sure that I have AvPD. Here in England I am being referred to a specialist in personality disorders to see if I actually do have it.
I never considered myself lonely, as I actually like being alone, but recently I have been yearning more for social interaction and often fantasising about it too.
I write poetry on Instagram to help express myself, and that's my only form of social interaction.. which is not much at all. I'm wanting to write a poetry book about living a life of solitude.
I will be buying your book from Amazon 👍🏻
I felt very similarly. I said I liked being alone, and to a significant extent that is true-many of the things I enjoy tend to be pretty solitary, whether because they require a lot of concentration (writing books/music, gamedev) or for other miscellaneous reasons (for example, not everyone enjoys the sort of music I listen to constantly, and I also have habits like listening to the same song on loop for hours which would drive other people nuts). But to some extent, I said I liked being alone because I was so scared of being around others that it did not even occur to me that I might find great fulfillment in it.
I hope the diagnosis process is smooth and painless for you. I think that when you know you have AvPD, you know, but it is affirming to yourself and anyone close to you to make it official. I hope you write that poetry book someday, and I'd love to hear about it :)
@@JakeAvPD This really hits: "I was so scared of being around others that it did not even occur to me that I might find great fulfillment in it." 🙏🏻
thanks for these vids man
🙂
Always been terrible at eyecontact to the point i thought i might be autistic or it be an adhd thing. i realised i did it too little or sporadically but after I noticed i ended up sometimes looking at people too much because i dont know whats natural or appropriate ever, i wing it dependant on who im around, if the other person requires no eye contact i wont do it as.much as someone who does. Or its also.dependant.on how.i am feeling at the time. Im guessing its also connected to shame and hiding things about ourselves, so we wont want to 'leak' or express through eye contact either. I used to have to tell people how j felt in the dark lols. Didnt suppose this one would come up as an example 😂
I dont have AvPD but I noticed just by your thumbnails how much you have progressed.
Good video and good luck😊
Thank you ☺
Dear Jake, thank you for sharing your story, I am sure you are a big support for a lot of people. You finally made me realize what is going on with my loved one and it really touches me on a very deep level. I feel sorry because now I realize under how much pressure I put him at times. I now know that it’s not me that he isn’t sure of or the relationship. It’s himself on a profound level. I feel stupid for not having connected the dots earlier especially since I am a therapist myself. But I guess I was too much caught up in my own pain of loving him so much but at the same time feeling that distance that didn’t make sense to me. Well now it does and I hope there is still a way to turn this around and find a way to be with him without giving up my own needs. Thank you again and bless you!🙏
Thank you so much for sharing that, Tina :) I wish you both the absolute best of luck in working things out, and, without knowing you either but knowing myself, I would suppose your odds are very good :)
@@JakeAvPDthat’s sweet of you to say and gives me hope. I am just not ready to give up on him and us because I can see his beautiful soul underneath all of it. As for my profession I guess it’s a blessing and a curse (threat) at the same time. I will keep watching your videos and educate myself further, for sure!
Hate to not have any indepth thoughts in regard to this topic yet but stayed up all night so running on no brain juice anyway I like listening to your voice I'm wondering if you are from Arkansas? I can't pinpoint the accent
I'm from Georgia! A little farther east, but a pretty good guess :)
Hello Jake! The strategies that you mentioned to cope with loneliness aren't they what a CBT therapist would suggest? I remember in your first videos you had told that CBT didn't work for AvPD. I assume that now after a lot of work with yourself you are much more susceptible to CBT and other approaches! ❤
Hi Christina :) That's a great observation, there are definite similarities. I guess I had to get there on my own. I think there are a few things I was missing with CBT: 1) You need a real reason to push yourself; a social/emotional goal you actually want to achieve, not something you feel like you have to do, and 2) you have to be happy with taking miniscule baby steps; you can't just try to suddenly function like normal and expect to "get over it".
When I was in CBT, my therapist and I had the goal of getting myself to a place where I could work. That's not only a very distant goal for someone who is a low-functioning AvPD; it's also more of a "have to" goal than a "want to" goal. It's also not a goal directly related to interpersonal development, which means that I was essentially skipping a step-I wasn't trying to get more comfortable talking to people; I was trying to figure out how to ignore that problem so I could work.
I think a CBT therapist who's familiar with AvPD could certainly try to account for these factors :) Thank you for the encouragement and the insightful comment. I hope you're doing well!
@@JakeAvPD 😊😊😊
Start with speaking to people at the grocery store! “Hello! How are you? Nice shirt! It’s been so hot lately, huh?!” Eye contact is hard for me too, but if you just try, then people can see you. Man! Women actually want to date you because you seem nice! No one is good at it with new people! We are trying to learn about them! It is naturally a little awkward!
Thank you ☺
Sometimes we over think things you need to find a hobby feel the fear and do it anyway try to stop over analysing things stop being too self aware use headphones when out in public take a book with you when you go out get a job in a cafe or food place join a gym do exersise take your mind off thinking do deep breathing exercises do distraction exercises bring fun into your life lifes too short stop putting labels on yourself your just human and flawed like everyone else in the world try and be interesting learn to find out about orher people ask questions look interested other people are shy nervous anxious too go to a concert get a life before its too late and you get to my age 44 and realise your life has gone get hobbys now!! Then you wont have time to think....stop thinking altogether try meditation try to laugh at yourself and try not to take your life too seriously has anybody told you life is short??? Its over in a blink of an eye.. self absorbtion needs to Stop.
Off topic, you’re really cute
Aw thanks, you're sweet ☺ Honestly made my day to hear that ❤