How to give your Avoidant partner emotional freedom
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- Are you confused about what avoidant partners really need? In this video, we delve into the concept of emotional freedom and why it's not just about time and space. Discover the energetic intensity behind emotional freedom and how it can impact your relationship. Find out how to create moments of rest and give your partner the space they truly need. Don't forget to subscribe for more relationship insights!
It’s so much easier to find someone secure. 😉👍🏼
Preach!!!
Yeahhh this is too much work for me. I wish them well and healing but naw I'm good on that. Already had a hard enough life than to have the patience of a monk just for basic stuff I want and need in a relationship. 😅
Thank you for sharing your perspective. However, I would caution that we are not searching for secure partners, in order to feel secure within ourselves. Because that will create a certain energetic paradigm that will send you into the exact same relationship over and over again, with different people, and with different guises. Choosing a secure partner from a place of discernment, is different than choosing a secure partner to find emotional stability.
For BOTH sides
😂.. this is pretty funny ...Today our society has an epidemic of loneliness...Men are down for the A.I girlfriends and women don't have any patience for men as if they have no issues themselves
.. people quick to say ,I wouldn't or won't put up with this or that person like one is so easy to deal with themselves. Absolutely NO self responsibility, reflecting going on in most people. No self awareness, no communication because people are selfish more and more.. Must be nice to have it all figured out...
My avoidant only likes surface level conversations. Emotions or feelings are never present ☹️ it’s exhausting to please one side and neglect what makes you feel seen or heard. I’d say if you can’t be yourself, find someone else.
Yup pretty shallow conversations happening. My aviodant uses drugs and alcohol to numb some sort of pain. Don't know they won't talk about it. They are in total denial.
You can't fix them no matter how much you love them. It's best to let them work on themselves and you go on with your life.
Haha. I have disorganized attachment due to having both an emotionally avoidant parental figure, and an overly clingy parentifying parental figure, along with bad ADHD, and other mental health issues. Basically with me, if someone shows avoidant attachment, I become anxiously attatched. When someone becomes anxiously attatched to me, I become avoidant, and want to run. It has taken a decade of consistent therapy and good medication management, to be able to handle my thoughts and initial emotional reactions in relationships, and really understand what it means to be securely attatched. Currently with someone with anxious attachment, and though I want to marry the man, dealing with my impulse to jump ship has been work. Explaining needing some emotional freedom is a great way to communicate my needs ❤.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you have been a tremendous amount of self reflection and personal work. I appreciate the journey, and I’m glad this video is helpful.
Yiu sound very much like myself. My Dad was a narc and emotionally absent. Yet he was the one who provided me physical affection if I hurt myself as a child (fell over etc), and my Mum was a helicopter parent who wouldn't let us have a voice or opinion but was always too busy cuddling my codependent AA sister to notice me. If I went to her if I injured myself, she was always "busy" and would send me to my father. As an adult I would call her and she was always busy. I've ended up Fearful Avoidant as a result. I've only just come across all of this stuff and it's mind-blowing. I had started to notice patterns in my rships, and that compared to most others, my rships are very short (longest is only 4 years 😢) but I had no idea why I struggled so much, and particularly the past 2 years since I escaped a DA rship with a covert narc. Now I know what's going on, finally. Fixing it is another story though! I'm trying so hard. Currently in a situationship with a beautiful kind and selfless DA and hoping he will commit. But we shall see
How did you figure all of this out? Through therapy, or just self reflection?
Kudos to you for doing all that work and sharing your story. Conversations about avoidants are usually plagued with very negative comments 😢
You are speaking to me (partner of an avoidant). Surprisingly he had mentioned in the early days of dating that he needs someone who has her own thing going on with hobbies etc. I thought he meant that as something he found attractive, but now after years of being together, it’s not a nice to have for him- it’s a need to have so he can have his space
All i wanted was for my ex to honor his commitments. Hed make plans with me and then ditch me. On the plans HE made! Also wouldnt tell me certain things cuz he feared conflict. I need openness and transparency so his poor communication actually CAUSED conflicts. I am done with it. Im secure and i need to be respected.
I totally relate to this. We split up about a week and a half ago, and that was a part of the why. There wasn’t any kind of consistency to when and if she would show up, or in what mood she’d be in when or if she did. After quite a few encounters with that the last month before the breakup and stating my need for her to do what she said she would do, I finally told her that it wasn’t sustainable for me. My ask of basic relational and communication skills was causing her a lot of stress and making her feel like she wanted to run away even more. It sucks, because she really seemed to want a relationship, and also believed that she didn’t have the capacity to be in one with anyone. We had so much lined up together.
Totally relate to this. In fact, we agreed to communicate only twice a week at his request, but he would just go 10 days without saying anything. What a joke.
Right! Being with someone that has a constant need for reassurance is draining. Two whole people should come together for relationship.
Perfect description: energetic intensity. Yes! Whether the energy comes in the form of needs not being met or agendas not being followed, and the intensity can come in the form of repetition or in degree or both. As an avoidant, I instinctively sense the intensity or urgency of another's "wanting" of me, and if I don't have it to give, an equal and opposite energy arises in me of the feeling of being a disappointment--without having done anything, let alone anything wrong. Now that I'm aware of that pattern, it helps me communicate, but I went decades without having a clue why I was so triggered by how another expressed their "want/need energy." Hope that helps...
This happened with me (FA) and the DA I've been seeing. We had plans and he revealed (via text) that he was only just beginning something else right before I was basically expecting him. We had only loose plans for the day's timeline and admittedly what we were doing had a rather late start time. But when he told me I said, "you're only doing that now?".
He proceeded to shut down and I didn't hear from him for a few hours and I started thinking he wasn't coming. I realized that what I said wasn't helpful at all and sent him a text asking if he was still coming. He revealed he was basically trying his best to be ready to go but it was so much more than that. He now felt stressed and rushed and overwhelmed and judged by me and all sorts of negative shit. So I told him to stop rushing, take his time, that I was in no rush at all, timing was fine for later and I was looking forward to seeing him.
The conversation changed and our text banter went back to normal. When he picked me up it was normal and great and when we drove I told him that I want him to enjoy his day how he sees fit, but giving me a bit of an idea of how he will approach the day when we have plans would be useful, especially when our early conversation makes things sound like they're happening early! That if he decides to hit the gym later, for example just let me know that I basically have an extra few hours too. He totally understood and said he hadn't thought of it and he'd get better.
So we have upcoming plans and he's already done better.
All that to say that my energy completely impacts his responses to me and as much as people want to complain that it's so difficult to deal with DA's and I admit it is with us FAs as well, understanding and consideration of your partner really go a long way in all relationships.
Thank you for commenting and contributing your experience to the discussion. This is a lovely and insightful illustration, and I am sure will be very helpful to others to read as well.
@@Lorij24it depends to what extend he is DA. If it is severe DA, no kind of communication helps. Mild DA and willing to work on himself - yes, could (maybe) help in time.
@@Nika-je6zd severely anxious is just as much of a problem, and so busy focusing on fixing others it's easy to overlook the need to fix ourselves
So appreciate you insider perspective. I'm curious what brought you here, how common it is for an "avoidant" to be watching these. And I'd love to know about that intensity, which I presumably must project, but I feel it's necessary - being reassuring, loving, appreciative etc ... all the things I presume the avoidant is ultimately looking for?
Yes I do have all those things
I’m very independent, have a very fun and busy life
But the basic relationship needs are NOT met when you have an avoidant partner. Or it takes a very long time for them to feel “emotionally free”
It’s like pulling teeth then watching paint dry
I think avoidant people deserve love like anyone else, but some more self reflection and work needs to be done to equip them with the tools for successful relationships
It’s not fair on their partners who THEY make more anxious and we are left to bend ourselves out of shape to accommodate the emotional freedom of someone who is clearly not emotionally free in the first place
Over and over again.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. I think you bring up an important point. If we are contorting ourselves to accommodate someone else, then we are not emotionally free, are we? And there are choices that we are making in those circumstances, about what we are, and are not allowing into our experience. And so this is the gift of an avoidant partner, in their pursuit of emotional freedom, they show you where you are not emotionally free, yourself. And it’s true, we cannot persuade or cajole somebody to be somewhere that we would rather they be. And so in the recognition of that, we learn how to reclaim ourselves.
@brianamacwilliam.attachment Both the avoidant and anxious, if they are healing, will gather a lot of information about themselves from just being around each other. Conversations will be like opening wounds...it's like here comes the avoidant/anxious one "time to practice healing the hard way!!!"
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment: Not a great response. This is just a way of saying, "Hey, if it works it out, great; if not, they taught you something about yourself, so move on".
That's now what people are looking for: they're looking for answers on how, if they're doing all the right things, they can fix their relationship. I understand this is a video and you're making a sweeping statement that doesn't apply to everyone concerned, as there are always outliers, but that doesn't negate the fact avoidantly attached people do have trouble meeting their partners needs in relationships.
And avoidants aren't emotionally free: they're emotionally repressed. They just seem free because they run for obligation and commitments.
The most precious to me is: 'They can sense that energy'
Thank you for your words!
It helped me to reflect something really bothering to me.
I’m glad that was helpful! I think it’s often a misunderstanding to think that avoidant partners are uncaring or insensitive, it’s my experience that they’re actually highly sensitive, particularly to energy.
They sense it fast too...seconds.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment
Thank you!
Full agreement over here
I have been on both sides now
Lately, someone told me, that their needs can only be met by seeing me and I was so worried for that person and terrified at the same time for my independence and emotional safety
To the other person it looked like I did not care about her feelings at all and that I'm only thinking about myself, although I was seeing myself almost drowned in thinking about our situation
It was a lesson in empathy to me, helping to understand that I'm safe no matter what and that is a real treasure to me
@@godsproperty2167 Yes! That's my experience as well!
Thinking about it as inner energy really helped me grasping this sensation and put it into words
Thanks for sharing!
Completely agree with that. My DA knows EXACTLY when I am having an issue with something. He's immediately asking me if I'm okay. When I tell him about my issue, he doesn't always seem to know what he should be saying, and he absolutely cannot talk about how he feels or what he wants, but he's so thoughtful in his gestures, and his physical affection is something I've never experienced in my life @brianamacwilliam.attachment
The question is, what is your avoidant partner doing to address their avoidance?
You arent their parent, you are their partner. You should be able to support them without enabling their refusal to grow.
This video is good transitional advice for those of you in a long term relationship with or have children with an avoidant person.
In other words it is a band-aid for the relationship while the wound is healing. You should NOT be sacrificing yourself for your partner for the duration of your relationship. That is called codependency.
Thank you for commenting with your perspective. However, I think with this video is really pointing out, is how much responsibility we take for our own emotional needs and energy, and being able to sense into the subtleties of what needs are truly ours to meet and fulfill, versus appropriately shared in a relationship. This is applicable at any stage of relationship.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I think loving someone is about thinking about what they say they need. If we all going to focus on what we need ourselves, we create separation. What I think with those who convince themselves as “I don’t need anyone” are in love or loving the love their partner has. They need to give up this fake protection. In my experience (yes I know so many dismissive avoidant people) they just run away from themselves and responsibilities. It’s super self center behaviour. Till the moment they realize everybody is hurting, it doesn’t work. I gave freedom, then he came back (like asking about my feelings). I come closer, then he pulls away and then say that I am doing something wrong.
The avoidant partner is doing zero about working on their avoidance. They are avoiding all that and you. It’s basically a relationship based on 7 days a week freedom for them. And any difficult conversations are just deny, deflect and defend. Lots of fun 😢
I call that 'common playground' ... where all can exist ... a room where there is no clutter: no emotional clutter. I'm avoident. And that's what I'm dreaming of. To be with somebody and be me at the same time. And this is only possible if there is no overload of anticipation and stuff from one side.
Avoidant people need to be single. Trying to change that or work around it is the definition of insanity. It is very hard to get your human need for connection met with an unaware avoidant, which is their nature to be.
The best thing to do is to leave them alone and find someone with secure attachment. I did that and all those issues are gone now. Free yourself from these avoidant people
Holy shit !! Thank you for putting words to this. I never knew how to explain this to my partner.
I’m so glad that this video was helpful! Thank you for sharing your experience.
My DA actually hates my strength and security. He will find ways to subtlety criticize or withold to draw out an emotional need in me. It can be as simple as a shift in his choice of words. When.I begin to express a need for change that's when it begins to feel emotionally abusive. Then its my fault for going off or showing disrespect based on an emotional deficit he created. He recently discarded me. At first, I felt like trash. It was extremely important for me to not see it as a failure on my part but an invitation to greater self knowledge. As much as he was projecting on me in the beginning, I carried it out after his projection ended. I saw him as I wanted him to be and not as he truly was. In fact I maximized his ass. This was my gift to him. All it cost me was a valuable lesson, a little time and a few tears. I prayed for him and wish him to be a reflection of the healing that is happening within me.
This does not sound like a DA, but a narc that you're dealing with. See the list of things that are emotional a b u s e, and videos on narcissism, diffs from DA, etc. No-one should put up with mistreatment
Awesome thank you! This helps because lately I have been noticed how fixed my attention is on him and our connection and this is the affirmation I needed to confirm that yes-- Ive been too intense 😅 and yes it def pushes him away. Time to refocus on self to ultimately find more rich connection with my partner. ❤😊🙏
p.s. parallel play is the best!! 🥰🙃
What does that mean?
My 6 months was like a rollercoaster ride.
These are mind bending ways to see someone explaining. I showed this to my anxious partner and she understood. She has oretty depth in character but due to sense "encroachment of emotuonal space" I ended up saying she ia shallow 😮
Edit : I managed to show this to her and she undeestood. I Think it worked because she really loves me. Be always kind and open to your lover, however he/she is. It helps best.
This is so insightful I think it will help me bc as an anxious attachment style I am overthinking everything even while together however understanding the needs of an avoidant would put me at ease.
My takeaway from this is that they don't feel comfortable having a spotlight on them, maybe feeling like being seen, maybe even feeling judged? They are more sensitive to the feeling of being under scrutiny?
Yes in my experience. I'm a FA and my sister was shocked and extremely disappointed to find out that I have been observant about ways she parents her son (my nephew). I, in turn, was shocked by her negative reaction when I tried to bring it up and offer my perspective, trying to help. She literally said, "I didn't know I was being watched under a microscope".
This is soo incredibly true. I’ve seen it in my relationship..I can be very emotional and see how my intensity affects him..dialing it back a bit makes him feel more comfortable and at ease, which makes me feel more comfortable and secure.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. It seems as though you have been able to negotiate effectively with the energy exchanges in your relationship, and found a place of harmony and attunement.
He had plenty of emotional space. That didn't stop him from running away when things were real and serious 😢
The avoidant I know ignores my contacts and only calls me when they want something from me.
Put an end to that.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you established a boundary and advocated for yourself. Bravo.
This is my spouse. It is has been so hurtful to my self esteem.
Well you do call the person “they” and that says a lot
You are the only relationship content creator I trust
Very helpful! Thank you!
I noticed the difference when I started to pull back and do more of my own thing when we are together. He leaned in!
Run run run from avoidants who aren't working on themselves to become secure!
Basically
It sounds like you may have had some difficulty experiences in the past. My heart goes out to you, and the layers of self protection that we might inhabit when we feel the need to run away. Gently, however, I would caution against a strong energy of rejection, because it is a replication of the avoidant constricted energy. Instead, you want to try to inhabit an energy of allowance, and discernment. “ I see that you struggle with connection, and through my experiences, I have come to discern that it is simply not for me. But I can allow you to be where you are in your process, and still make good choices in service of my emotional well-being. I don’t have to push or pull away from you, in order to find my peace.”
Do you really have to run from avoidants tho
@@popejaimie😂
I feel avoidants are less empathetic and someone who needs reassurance needs empathetic partner ❤️
I practice law of attraction and my dog becomes less anxious or needy when I'm focused on my own pursuits instead needlessly worrying about her. It's crazy how clearly our subconscious interact with each other.
Never understood it like this.
It makes complete sense
I know that feeling of urge to meet someone's needs, sensing their wanting but it means I'm not fully attracted to them mentally and physically. If I appreciate and like someone I will never feel pressure...i may be busy do my things but I would never ignore them bc I feel like avoiding.
What if the dismissive avoidant doesn’t give you the “label” anymore, because I need to “deserve” it. If I tell something, he assumes that I try to teach him something. If I say something, he thinks I manipulate him. Like every time when I show love, he makes it bad in his head.
Thank you for this clarification. Yes, I get this. I'm also more aware that trap is a trap, and that if we don't get out of it, then we are not getting out of it, and it is a trap. Your videos are such an inspiration. Love you. :*
Thank you for sharing your perspective! I’m so glad that the videos have been helpful for you.
That makes sense
This lady's gorgeous
Excellent observation
I'm glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting. 🙏💕
Oh I see! Thank you! That make sense.
I’m glad that was helpful!
Is it normal for an avoidant partner to shut down almost every time they are going through something? It seems to be when I feel a way about something I voice it. And if he’s going through something, he gets distant and I get ignored. No reason, no communication. It’s so hard on me emotionally.
I don’t know if it’s normal, as I think I’ve only dated one avoidant seriously. I can tell you that she shut down so easily. It was very hard to witness and be close to, because it really looked and felt like some truth from past trauma was her present reality. She could see that basic relational boxes weren’t being checked due to how she responded to things, and that only served to push her further into her cocoon, as she called it. It was like watching someone drown themselves and not being able to do much to help. Unfortunately, the relationship ended after multiple encounters with last minute or during date plans ending abruptly, hot/cold treatment, and constantly bringing the relationship into question. It was so confusing and draining. I hope you’re in a much easier go of it now!
It is to protect you from their problem, they want to resolve it without putting it onto you. They just don't realize they affect us by doing that anyways...
Avoidants go into rotation and are great placeholders. That’s it though.
Thank u for the clarification!!!!! ❤ yesssss
Well said. Spot on. 100%
This resonates with me!
Wow...thank you! I get it.
This is good!
Yes.. all the bad things, i do. We are Anxious-avoidant classic toxic trainwreck. My core wound is adandonment and betrayal. Hers is cptsd from multiple sexual abuses, and having to cater to a narcissisitic christian alcoholic mother who dismissed and neglected her emotional needs. We are the worst combo. Still love and admire each other after the divorce.
Exactly! Thank you for explaining
wow... subscribed!
Yep it's not needing a thing from them. Got it
This really helps me as an anxious partner. Thank you so much
this really put things in perspective for me thank you
This is all very true for my DA and I.
I'm healing FA, so I have the anxiety intensive component but also completely get his avoidant parts. I need both but also I need to keep heading towards secure.
Thank you for watching in for sharing your experience. I’m glad it resonates.
Awesome videos
So useful. You're the best, thank you.
that's perfectly explained. Right !
Perfectly put!
So basically being okay with whatever is going on? Relax and let things be.
everyone is complaining about this type of attachment style.. understanding that two ppl shouldn’t be totally engulfed in each other is fairly mature and having your own goals, interests and motivation to pursue them is also mature lol. PLUS, you can always leave if it’s not right for you. no need to have a savior complex lol
Why does it have to be so complicated. If they are avoidant for whatever reason, they don't want to be with you emotionally. And that's not good. They are NOT for you. Why play games and be always extra careful. They will sense that also. It's best to just walk away detach let them be.
Funny how they don't need to avoid until they do something wrong and you offend them by setting a boundary.
I can't do all this emotional stuff. I feel like dying from having screwed up with my love
Avoidant attachment people don’t even know they are like that, the avoidant is scared to love or get close, they are not is most confident unattached, I USE TO BE ONE, avoidant attached hardly let themselves get close to people, I STILL HAVE SOME OF THE TRAITS WHERE I PURPOSELY keep people at a distance. The relationship I’m in now I was avoidant and worked on it and it seemed to make my partner to relaxed he went from chasing me to me chasing, never again. I wanna go back to being a avoidant it felt more safe there
what about when someone thinks they are "cool and collected" - even at times musing that they find a lot of "avoidant" traits relatable, but *they* are also bringing a lot of emotional intensity without realizing it? this has been my struggle in several relationships. i am cast as the more emotional one by the other persons denial of, I've often thought, their repressed shadow traits, meanwhile they are so agitated and silently fuming that the air could be cut with a knife .. my personal take is that this dynamic doesn't make them necessarily avoidant but.. it does make it tricky. i have had some positive results intentionally trying to give emotional space .. but this is a bit one sided when the other person, however anyone wants to type or not type them attachment style wise, isnt equally willing to consider the emotional space theyre taking up...
Yessss!! 💯
This doesnt work if the person is Dismissive Avoidant. Lol im avoidant myself so i need space and time alone but anyone with severe avoidance just cant function in a relationship
All I want from my partner is some quiet cuddle time
Thank you. Do they feel this energy even if they are in another city or not in contact for a while? I think that every time we have contact,i have expectations so it turns hem to shut down and get silent for a while. This silence causes me also to stay in silence mode,iam not always taking an action to reach out, only when i really feel i want to reach out, but how can i work through this with hem? How can i stabelish a more stable connection with hem ? How can i change my energy so he doesnt feel this intensity? ❤️
Energy is not affected by physical distance
If they want to avoid,
let them -
plenty of fish in the deep blue sea 🤔
Leave it alone people
What is Parallel play?
Ohhhh
Why can’t they just say that or express that themselves no one is a mind reader!😅
If you have to constantly and consistently ignore your own wants, needs, and desires from your partner than that’s not love. Stop denying what you know you deserve to be with someone who is incapable of being in a healthy relationship. The proof is in the pudding and you’ve ate it one too many times. You know what you have to do.
How about.... see yeah🎉😂
It usually happens organically if the two of ypu are in synch.
But what do you do when they actually don't make time for you and the avoidant partner is going out 7 days a week and every time you get home from a 13 hour shift she's never there either with family or friends or side gigs but when you do ask for more time now I'm caging her 😅 what the hell do I do??
@@thespaniard977 thank you for watching. I know that it can be incredibly painful and frustrating. But in this case, honestly, that sounds like an incompatible relationship. It’s not just about feelings, it’s about how you practically divide your time and share your time and the type of future you want to build together. It sounds you are not on the same page here with your values and priorities.
How can i tell when its safe for the other person to receive more intesity?
I think it starts with taking a personal inventory, and determining if your desires for a relationship in general, are compatible with this human being. And if they are, determining, how much of what you are wanting is really some thing that can be fulfilled in the relational space, or if it’s some thing that is more about reclaiming parts of yourself. For example, sometimes we might have a need for reassurance that is insatiable. And no matter how much our partners reassure us, that empty feeling doesn’t go away. That is not a need that can be fulfilled by even a secure relationship. It’s some thing that has to be worked on internally on the spiritual level, perhaps with the support of healthy relationships. On the other hand, a desire for open and direct communication is perfectly reasonable to want and expect, and if someone is unable to meet you there, that’s really a dealbreaker. Generally speaking, if you can create enough emotional freedom that somebody wants to move towards you instead of away from you, you are expanding into a new level of intimacy.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment wow you said a lot in such a small space! Thank you for your reply. so the just of it is not being dependent on another human being for my needs; finding what I need in myself and or God, then, as I heal and become whole, if this person wants to join me towards that healing life(if I can call it that), that’s wonderful. If not, the chasm will sooner or later become too large, a gap for the relationship to survive. Please correct me if there’s something I don’t get. Either way thank you so much! I really didn’t expect the quality return reply. I know that’s something I have to work lol.
Give them 100% freedom and show them the door. Avoidant is the first sign of a potential narcissist or psychopath.
Thank you for watching. However, it is a misconception that avoidance is a sign of narcissism or psychopathy. All of the attachment styles are equally susceptible to that possibility, depending on their conditioning and past experiences, I would invite you to watch my playlist on this topic, I think you will find it helpful. Narcissism and Attachment Theory
ruclips.net/p/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_
If you value your mental health, physical health and time, don’t date an avoidant that’s not in therapy.
Get rid of avoidant! Problem solved.
Break up.
Guilty.
Yeah nah
Ah, they don’t want space and time so they’re not einsteinian
Sounds like you are saying avoidants are not cut out for relationships, unless you yourself are a dysfunnctional co-dependent looking to coddle someone
What is Parallel play?