Powerful statement CK, simply powerful!..... "My Avoidant ex....she had a long history of not having her needs met. She was neglected. She has a mom who has narcissism and so now my ex has an Avoidant attachment style and she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants. She wants you to intuit what she wants. Now, she would even say, I remember this, "I want someone who knows when I want them to vacuum." Think about that... "I want someone who knows when I want them to vacuum." She expected her partner to know what she's thinking and give it to her, like a mind reader. So, that is a very early childhood wound, because she wants someone to care for her, like a parent takes care of a child. Why? Because her parents didn't do it, that's why. And she's looking for somebody to meet those needs that were neglected for so long. Now because she refused to work on her issues she can't make any of her relationships last. And she's probably going to spend years repeating the same cycle over and over again, until she finally realizes 'I'm the last one standing on the dance floor here'. It's tough because this is really typical with people who have an Avoidant attachment style. They're very hard to get through to. And when you try and get them to open up and help them, they feel like you're attacking them. Even if you're doing it in the most thought out way you can possibly think of, it feels like an attack. So, Avoidant attachment style people are very difficult to be in relationship with. Always keep that in mind. If you hear a girl tell you that she doesn't trust people, that stems from the first two years of life - not getting their needs met - they learned not to trust their parents, so now they don't trust their partners or anybody else. It's hard for them to trust, so how do you get close to somebody who doesn't trust? How do you get close to somebody when they have so many walls up? You can't. And that's why they can break up with you so much easier, because they were never really attached to begin with."
This is what a healthy person does. People with personal disorders do want you to fix their problems, because they are detached from themselves and ironically blame everyone but themselves for their problems, even at a moment they seem to be driven by guilt. They serve problems and challenges for you to handle, so they can avoid their inner pain.
So when the you are trying to communicate with the avoidant to resolve a challenge; their anxiety is actually increased causing them to manifest even more avoidance. Good luck dealing with that my friend. If they're not willing to do the work; you'll have to let them go.
Wow, this sounds just like my previous relationship. I thought I was the avoidant one and she was anxious. Now I realize that it was other way around. I love her still, she couldn't see it or empathize. I got burned out and withdrew from the missed communications and then subsequent emotional attacks.
I had this issue a lot. My ex would come to me with how she felt, and I kept trying to offer advice and fix things. I wish I can show her how better I am now.
Excellent video Coach! So are you saying that an Avoident never really attaches to you even though they express the word love & are physical - in my case for 2 years?
I knew it!! Even if there is a restraining order involved... she really desires to have such order against her neglectful parent! All the anger and hate towarda me and cakking me maniplauitve and a narcissist, shes describing her mother! Im just being a punch bag temporarily lol! If i knew all this attachment stuff last year we woukd never have broken up. ❤
If she comes with problems over and over and want you to be their psychologist, Its a much better solution to live HAPPY alone as a man and dont live with a woman with anxiety. Specially if she put all the problems on you. There are experts, psychologist for that.
I'm sorry but I've always had a problem with this whole "I don't want your help, I just want you to listen". Who goes to the doctor and gives symptoms, but when the doctor gives a diagnosis or prescription they say they don't want treatment, they just wanted them to listen. I'm not psychiatrist but it still doesn't make any sense to me.
You are projecting what you want on to what other people want. Just because you want someone to give you advice on how to a handle situation when you talk with them, does not mean they want the same thing. Men and women are wired differently. A woman feels better just by talking to someone and processing HER FEELINGS. She needs to know that you are there for her. You are complicating things. Just give her what she needs (after all this is about what SHE needs, not you). She doesn't need you to solve her problems, just listen to her when shes upset and she will feel close and connected to you. It can a lot of time and effort to really get this one (this one was really tough for me to finally get).
Yeah she may feel better but in the end the problem is still there. It almost sounds like your allowing her to just continue getting involved in problems (or making them worse) by providing her the comfort of making her feel better about the situation verses actually empowering her with the tools to make the situation go away so she won't have to worry about it anymore. I mean lets say (and lord forbid this happens) that you are in a relationship with a woman who found out she has some sort of cancer. Instead of saying "we need to find a doctor for you and find what treatment options are available" you say "that sounds really scary. You must be going through a very difficult time." This makes her feel better and gives her the sense that since she feels better she doesn't need to take action to address this medical problem with qualified doctors and seek treatment options. Every week she gets weaker and weaker from the cancer and whenever she confides in you, you approach it the same way by saying "that sounds really scary. You must be going through a very difficult time" and this pattern continues until she is in hospice with stage four cancer and the doctors can only tell you that the best they can do is make her as comfortable as possible until she passes (ironically what YOU were doing the entire time). obviously this is an extreme example but my point is, that sometimes the way a guy thinks (logically looking for solutions to solve the problem verses making someone feel safe and secure as the first priority) is something that really shouldn't be discounted.
Jungle D i think as a man i completely identify with what you said BUT as someone who is a problem solver and also recently got dumped for not understanding my role was to be a great PARTNER and not a great carpenter, problem solver, dog walker, etc etc etc, i would humbly suggest that you focud on what she wants and needs from a PARTNER!!!
As a woman... this cliche catch all phrase spewed in society might be case for some women...mental cases. Why would I want someone to listen to meor have gf goi on for hrs on nonsense...same thing repeating it in circle over and over on loop... I have gf does that. When I get upset and bring something up over and over.. it isn't cause I want him to listen it's cz my man can't see my emotional distress over it cz it's not solved and hea not done enough to show hes handled situations eg. In laws pushing their agenda , crossing boundaries and not standing up and being assertive enough...ain't my place to say something..he should be man enough deal w his obnoxious family friends etc. AMD same to mine .last thing I want is for him to nod his head and say ya I get it.. that's all I get?? * i get it*...where my action as a solution not just verbal nod.....then wtf..do something!!! Girls that want the * hear me out..let me talk for hrs and hrs on phone....stfu... ..its gossip nonsense waste space and time..
@@karlmeaner2624 I'm a male and for some reason I also just wanted my ex to listen and empathize and instead she always told me what to do. The problem is, that didn't make me feel understood. I always felt like I wasn't heard. Hell, I even felt like she took me for some fool who can't figure out what to do. I knew what to do, damn it. It's just not so easy to do it. For example our last fight was about me losing my job and having to move out of my apartment. Do you think I didn't know I should've got a new job asap? Do you think I didn't know I should've looked for a new apartment? Easy to say, hard to do. Doesn't fix my problem, just makes me mad. It's like when people tell you to "get over her". Thanks doc, I'm healed! Duh...
Powerful statement CK, simply powerful!.....
"My Avoidant ex....she had a long history of not having her needs met. She was neglected. She has a mom who has narcissism and so now my ex has an Avoidant attachment style and she doesn't know how to ask for what she wants. She wants you to intuit what she wants.
Now, she would even say, I remember this, "I want someone who knows when I want them to vacuum." Think about that... "I want someone who knows when I want them to vacuum." She expected her partner to know what she's thinking and give it to her, like a mind reader.
So, that is a very early childhood wound, because she wants someone to care for her, like a parent takes care of a child. Why? Because her parents didn't do it, that's why. And she's looking for somebody to meet those needs that were neglected for so long.
Now because she refused to work on her issues she can't make any of her relationships last. And she's probably going to spend years repeating the same cycle over and over again, until she finally realizes 'I'm the last one standing on the dance floor here'.
It's tough because this is really typical with people who have an Avoidant attachment style. They're very hard to get through to. And when you try and get them to open up and help them, they feel like you're attacking them. Even if you're doing it in the most thought out way you can possibly think of, it feels like an attack.
So, Avoidant attachment style people are very difficult to be in relationship with. Always keep that in mind. If you hear a girl tell you that she doesn't trust people, that stems from the first two years of life - not getting their needs met - they learned not to trust their parents, so now they don't trust their partners or anybody else.
It's hard for them to trust, so how do you get close to somebody who doesn't trust? How do you get close to somebody when they have so many walls up? You can't.
And that's why they can break up with you so much easier, because they were never really attached to begin with."
Relationship coaches are the shit. I learned a lot from him.
“Emotional attunement and responsiveness is the key to secure boding.” 🤯🤠
This is what a healthy person does. People with personal disorders do want you to fix their problems, because they are detached from themselves and ironically blame everyone but themselves for their problems, even at a moment they seem to be driven by guilt. They serve problems and challenges for you to handle, so they can avoid their inner pain.
So when the you are trying to communicate with the avoidant to resolve a challenge; their anxiety is actually increased causing them to manifest even more avoidance. Good luck dealing with that my friend.
If they're not willing to do the work; you'll have to let them go.
Wow, this sounds just like my previous relationship. I thought I was the avoidant one and she was anxious. Now I realize that it was other way around. I love her still, she couldn't see it or empathize. I got burned out and withdrew from the missed communications and then subsequent emotional attacks.
wow wow Craig you just mentioned my wife to the letter ......you are the best at what you do....just wish I came across of videos much earlier
I had this issue a lot. My ex would come to me with how she felt, and I kept trying to offer advice and fix things. I wish I can show her how better I am now.
Excellent video Coach! So are you saying that an Avoident never really attaches to you even though they express the word love & are physical - in my case for 2 years?
I knew it!! Even if there is a restraining order involved... she really desires to have such order against her neglectful parent! All the anger and hate towarda me and cakking me maniplauitve and a narcissist, shes describing her mother! Im just being a punch bag temporarily lol! If i knew all this attachment stuff last year we woukd never have broken up. ❤
Nice fantastic video coach
If she comes with problems over and over and want you to be their psychologist, Its a much better solution to live HAPPY alone as a man and dont live with a woman with anxiety.
Specially if she put all the problems on you. There are experts, psychologist for that.
Cool video CK.😁😁😁
Craig can you have little both attachments ztyles
epic video
Read the book 'men are from mars women are from venus' NOW!!
I'm sorry but I've always had a problem with this whole "I don't want your help, I just want you to listen". Who goes to the doctor and gives symptoms, but when the doctor gives a diagnosis or prescription they say they don't want treatment, they just wanted them to listen. I'm not psychiatrist but it still doesn't make any sense to me.
You are projecting what you want on to what other people want. Just because you want someone to give you advice on how to a handle situation when you talk with them, does not mean they want the same thing.
Men and women are wired differently. A woman feels better just by talking to someone and processing HER FEELINGS.
She needs to know that you are there for her. You are complicating things. Just give her what she needs (after all this is about what SHE needs, not you).
She doesn't need you to solve her problems, just listen to her when shes upset and she will feel close and connected to you.
It can a lot of time and effort to really get this one (this one was really tough for me to finally get).
Yeah she may feel better but in the end the problem is still there. It almost sounds like your allowing her to just continue getting involved in problems (or making them worse) by providing her the comfort of making her feel better about the situation verses actually empowering her with the tools to make the situation go away so she won't have to worry about it anymore.
I mean lets say (and lord forbid this happens) that you are in a relationship with a woman who found out she has some sort of cancer. Instead of saying "we need to find a doctor for you and find what treatment options are available" you say "that sounds really scary. You must be going through a very difficult time." This makes her feel better and gives her the sense that since she feels better she doesn't need to take action to address this medical problem with qualified doctors and seek treatment options. Every week she gets weaker and weaker from the cancer and whenever she confides in you, you approach it the same way by saying "that sounds really scary. You must be going through a very difficult time" and this pattern continues until she is in hospice with stage four cancer and the doctors can only tell you that the best they can do is make her as comfortable as possible until she passes (ironically what YOU were doing the entire time).
obviously this is an extreme example but my point is, that sometimes the way a guy thinks (logically looking for solutions to solve the problem verses making someone feel safe and secure as the first priority) is something that really shouldn't be discounted.
Jungle D i think as a man i completely identify with what you said BUT as someone who is a problem solver and also recently got dumped for not understanding my role was to be a great PARTNER and not a great carpenter, problem solver, dog walker, etc etc etc, i would humbly suggest that you focud on what she wants and needs from a PARTNER!!!
As a woman... this cliche catch all phrase spewed in society might be case for some women...mental cases. Why would I want someone to listen to meor have gf goi on for hrs on nonsense...same thing repeating it in circle over and over on loop... I have gf does that. When I get upset and bring something up over and over.. it isn't cause I want him to listen it's cz my man can't see my emotional distress over it cz it's not solved and hea not done enough to show hes handled situations eg. In laws pushing their agenda , crossing boundaries and not standing up and being assertive enough...ain't my place to say something..he should be man enough deal w his obnoxious family friends etc. AMD same to mine .last thing I want is for him to nod his head and say ya I get it.. that's all I get?? * i get it*...where my action as a solution not just verbal nod.....then wtf..do something!!! Girls that want the * hear me out..let me talk for hrs and hrs on phone....stfu... ..its gossip nonsense waste space and time..
@@karlmeaner2624 I'm a male and for some reason I also just wanted my ex to listen and empathize and instead she always told me what to do.
The problem is, that didn't make me feel understood. I always felt like I wasn't heard. Hell, I even felt like she took me for some fool who can't figure out what to do. I knew what to do, damn it. It's just not so easy to do it. For example our last fight was about me losing my job and having to move out of my apartment. Do you think I didn't know I should've got a new job asap? Do you think I didn't know I should've looked for a new apartment? Easy to say, hard to do. Doesn't fix my problem, just makes me mad.
It's like when people tell you to "get over her". Thanks doc, I'm healed!
Duh...
Got it, don't date an avoidant. Anxious I can deal with as long as I don't get accused of things I didn't do.
👌🏼
guys always make this mistake