All Attachment Styles & Breadcrumbing: Why Each Attachment Style Does It OR Puts Up With It
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- Опубликовано: 30 сен 2024
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In this video I go over some of the reasons fearful avoidants experience a disconnection core wound, the root causes and how to create change!
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.per...
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Thank you for watching!
I think the reason I am attracted to a particular DA is because the way he goes hot and cold, and breadcrumbs, is very closely related to the way my mother loved me throughout my life. I never know if he is going to be warm and loving or cold and distancing, and it just lights me up in a way that I cannot resist. I am like a gambling addict, going back again and again to see if I will get the prize. I never hit the jackpot, but I get enough small wins to keep me playing. All this is backed up by the way they once loved me so well, so I know it is possible. Even though intellectually I understand it, emotionally I just keep playing the game, believing and hoping the next lever pull is going to bring the jackpot of love.
Wow. Me too. Down to the relationship with my mother as well. I’m 19 and trying really hard
I read somewhere that this is true about trauma bonding, whenever we find someone who triggers our traumatic experiences, a bond is trigerred that feels like intense chemistry and you can feel intensely drawn to them. The chemistry you feel is simply due to the familiarity with a particular trauma and once you sense something similar, you feel attracted to that. Hope you find peace and gentleness within and heal to know you deserve a lot better, sending you love and light.
@@hetalrathore1135 How does one heal from Trauma bonding? My boyfriend keeps going back to his abusive ex because of this and I'm afraid she will kill him one day!
I really relate to your feelings. It is sad how we waste our lives for a tiny sign of love from them.
It’s so cool when you feel depressed and alone and you read a comment that feels like someone’s narrating your life to you. This insight is powerful I’m proud of you. You’re more than enough for not only yourself but for anyone. We have so much love
If someone is sending you bread crumbs, it's best to not play that game. My ex (FA) would send out bread crumbs all the time when we first broke up. Always in a state of "half-in, half-out" when engaging me. As a DA, that inconsistency really affected my ability to heal and move on essentially. However, now that I've been doing my own work and know how to set clear boundaries, I'm able to gain perspective on what she was doing and politely let her know that I will only engage in actual conversations. Love and respect yourself, your time and energy.
@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li "y'all"??? Actually, no, not anything like "y'all"!!!
"The magical bread of the unmet needs" what a phrase 😂 great video as always
Perhaps the most powerful word in our language NO. NO to toxic people. NO to breadcrumbs. I'll have the full double decker sandwich please... with the crust. Booting these people out of your life and observing their reaction is empowering. NO to breadcrumbs. YOU'RE FIRED.
So what is the difference between the narcissistic individual bread crumbing and dismissive avoidant bread crumbing...
Most people breadcrumb because they want to keep you in play while they look for someone "better." You are their backup plan always and are there to stroke their ego/self-esteem.
I've had this experience and felt that way, too, but it turns out they weren't actually looking for someone "better"; that's just the meaning we give to it. Years after I had moved on and was now married, I saw my ex's father and we discussed his take on why he never even let it get off the ground. Basically that my ex needed to be the breadwinner to feel secure. I'm independent and didn't rely on him but he had relied on me, even a bit in school. He had always struggled gaining real independence (living in other people's houses and having to borrow money). That viewpoint was confirmed later when he jabbed "You've always had money to throw around!". Money hasn't mattered to me, connection and understanding has. I didn't lack money but he did so he thought I couldn't need him so he kept choosing partners that had health issues and were more dependent. So I was actually too good for his ego to handle. Definitely showed me that not everything is as it seems, that's what I love about these videos.
@@Haley_Halo ya better can mean different things to different people: Money, looks, someone more controllable, needy, etc. Someone more fitting to their liking whatever that translates to in their mind. At the end of the day they are just stringing you along while they find "better" or grass is greener...and if they can't in time they will settle for you.
thomas pugh This happened to me but I couldn’t see it at the time for what it was. I fell for the lovebombing and projected my own beliefs of who I thought he was based on very little information. I hate being AP.
I put up with breadcrumbing because I really believed my special person doesnt have more time to spend.
When someone is truly interested there is no such thing as too busy. You will be a priority. Even the presidents used to find time for their mistresses, wives, gfs, and run the country lol
@@SK-no2pp NOW I know, too....but then...
Karla Shmeeda Vlasta excuses
Yeah me too
Admin, it seems Thais accidentally forgot to explain why fearful avoidant breadcrumbs. As she was about to explain it (@ around 5:49 minutes in) she instead explained what it looks like for FA( larger chunks of bread more infrequently) but didn't go back to why. Can you please ask Thais to do a video on why the FA breadcrumbs? Or explain it here? I'd find it SO HELPFUL! Thank you!
I'm an FA so I'll tell you my theory. (Obv my insight won't hold a candle to Thais.)
I consistently give other people less attention than I know I should because I'm subconsciously terrified that I'm unwanted and that my attention is a burden to them, even when I consciously know that's not true. Combine that with cultural messages saying that other people will be more interested if you are cold and aloof, and you got a recipe for massive avoidance.
Essentially, FAs breadcrumb for the same reason AAs do, as a strategy to create a gambler's addiction to our scarce* attention. But AAs do it consciously (Thais says) whereas for FAs it's very unconscious. It does not feel like a strategy from the inside, it feels more like a disability. We cannot do anything because of a crippling fear of being seen as needy. *It's not really scarce, we are desperate for attention but also desperately need to hide that desperation... what a curse.
We also breadcrumb for the reason DAs do. FAs waste a massive amount of energy trying to figure out if we're wanted, what is the best strategy, etc, and we also waste energy arguing with our subconscious to overcome anxiety or shame. That energy expense makes responding difficult, and it's so much easier to just shut down.
My pattern is usually (always) to just shut down entirely, so I don't breadcrumb myself (at least I'm not aware of it.) But if an FA can overcome their shutdown via willpower, they will send the minimum possible response to keep the relationship going. We feel guilty because we know our partner deserves someone who is fully present, and we can't give that to them. That guilt just makes everything worse, of course. It's such a mess.
Hope that helps you, and again my insight is an amateur so take it with a grain. If I may ask, what is your attachment style?
@@luciferluv753 wow! This is incredible! And incredibly helpful!
The other night actually a thought crossed my mind wondering if part of it is feeling like "they don't want to hear from me." Would you say that's also true?
I'm so so grateful for all your words!
Im secure with some fearful avoidant tendencies , leaning anxious.Im about 80 to 90% secure. Historically I was FA leaning anxious and I earned security. But I had no awareness of my attachment style or patterns while I was FA, so your insight is so helpful!
Thanks again!
@@pinkcactus "They don't want to hear from me" may well be the core of the whole thing for FAs. There's so many stories we tell ourselves like "They're just being polite" or "If I reach out, I'll seem needy."
I'm FA leaning avoidant, and I feel like I'm 50% secure but I don't know for sure. I've definitely come a long, long way in the last few years. I've only been watching Thais recently but I've already learned so much and had so many revelations.
@@luciferluv753 This is a fantastic explanation. Also totally devastating for the other person.
HA! didnt know 'breadcrumbing' was a real term- I've even used it before! and may i just add that it worked! A year after putting up with crumbs from my DA 'partner' I voiced in a phone call that the crumbs that used to make me SO excited were now they're just feeling more like crumby crumbs. next thing I knew he was asking me out on real dates and checking in on me throughout the week. Really sweet stuff. All because i told him i was done with the crumbs.
breathing me too, I used the analogy and then found the term was being used :(
Glad it is going well for you!
Any update?
@@FM-zg5hz oof. well let me start by apologizing for my horrible grammar. Didnt' think anyone would read it LOL! Truth be told.. He and I are still in the same situationship. It's been 3.5 years. If I had known better at the start of the relationship, things might have been different, but at this point we are just two people with a special connection. I am looking for a life partner elsewhere, but he thinks ill never actually move on. I was just thinking about it tonight. How if I WERE to really move on he would absolutely be DONE with me forvever. because thats what he did with his ex's. and thats why our 'relationship' has lasted to much longer than his previous real relationships; I never actually close the door and walk away. I don't even pretend like I have; not even a little bit to scare him.
WHO KNOWS. all i do know is that I think he is only becoming more and more DA, and I am happily dating other people. He will always hold a special place, but I want someone who loves me ACTIVELY.
Can you make a video about what attracts each attachment style and why?
Please make that video about how to tell if they're not interested or just dismissive ! I struggle with wanting to just move on and forget him or wait it out.
Thais put out a video a while back: ruclips.net/video/p-OwlEcatcE/видео.html
Either case, it’s not a good thing if you have a doubt 😂
Sorry it’s not to be mean, speaking seriously it’s not a good start because dismissive avoidants aren’t securely individuals, or you have a person really not interested in you, and I would say unless this person doesn’t know you well, then it’s almost like pursuing something that is going to be tough or end bad.. 😘
@@kate7932 Oh definitely. I've honestly given up and just want to move forward. I'll keep him as a friend, but romantically I need to invest elsewhere.
Kayleigh S I appreciate you were so honest with yourself cause I know it’s hard when we have to choose between heart and doing a good thing for us 💞💞 this is definitely an healthy way to take care for yourself! My compliments 👏
Wow! It felt like you were talking about my (ex)boyfriend when you described the situation with new job, working long hours, long commute, kids, an other things and me needing more attention. Oh bless him, he has tried to tell me countless times that he wants to be with me and that he's not good at showing how much I mean to him, but that he loves me, and feels like he can't give me what I need right now. I freak out when he breadcrumbs because part of me knows he's probably unwell (emotionally drained, and has very little energy to feed my needs), but at the same time I feel unloved, left out, not heard, not missed etc. I'm an FA so I just go into a mode like ok, this is it I can't take it anymore. And my friends all tell me to just move on. But I see the beauty in our relationship and I feel like if we could really understand each other and communicate better and try, we could be wonderful partners and actually help each other heal and become secure. Now I regret telling him I can't again! He's gone into deactivating mode since, and hasn't talked to me. I guess I will give him the time and space he needs, and perhaps we can meet and talk things over...Thank you so much for these videos it really helps and gives me a peace of mind!
Omg just run! I wasted 3 yrs on this type of relationship. Only when you move on will he magically have time for you.
I feel you! Did it work out in the end? giving him the time and space he needed?
Oh, the torturous breadcrumb. Good to know that some are not actually doing it on purpose to try and manipulate.
I thought the same thing! I'm glad she clarified that! In my case, I think my partner is literally not able to give more.
@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li You are so right. As a child, we learn patterns from our familyand they become familiar. As an adult, we have the power to choose our close relationships. I never needed to settle for breadcrumbs before and I am not going to start now or ever. 🙂✌❤
Yes yes! More of this please, Thais! This is one of the most transformational videos I've seen! I'd love to hear more about the psychology behind why fearful avoidant breadcrumbs. And what I'd also love is how to respond to breadcrumbing from a secure space. I.e. when they show up after a month of no communication and they didnt respond to your last message, what is the underlying need that needs to be addressed in communicating about it?
Any update? I’m going through something similar.
Video Starts @ 2:45
Thanks so much Thais! This was very eye opening for me, especially the last part where you talk about why someone might tolerate this kind of behavior. I have always wondered why the heck I tend to gravitate towards people who do this breadcrumbing. Also, It’s comforting to know that not everybody does this sort of thing with malicious intent.
Very informative, thanks so much for clarifying! Very well explained!
In my case, I believe my DA husband gives breadcrumbs simply because that's all he has to give. Of course, when we talk about attachment styles he doesn't see how it's concerning that I'm anxious and he's avoidant. He's happy so has a hard time understanding why I struggle and feel alone/unsatisfied in the relationship (classic DA, doesn't think there's an issue). I've done a lot of work in counseling over the past 5 years to become more secure. And I feel I've improved quite a bit, but still unsatisfied. It'd be heartbreaking to call it quits after 5 years of marriage, especially when he himself is happy and I know he loved me deeply...but not sure if there's hope for me to be fulfilled in this relationship.
Could these attachment styles show up in platonic relationships like friendships or family? Should the same methods be used to created a secure attachment?
@Jacqueline Gillespie thank you. I will check this out.
I didn't understand why fearful avoidant attachment do breadcrumbs. You said they do bigger crumbs then went straight into reinforcement. I didn't understand the reinforcement part. Is it because they get a reaction and that becomes addictive??
I had a Love Bomber who totally reeled me in, then spent the rest of the relationship being critical of my friends, my activities, my parenting, etc. I hung in there hoping to regain what we had in the beginning, but after 2 years it was too soul destroying. I was replaced very quickly and it's taken me a long time to feel confident about dating again. Thank you for sharing this Thais.
@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li yes, I am aware of that now. I am in a much better place and have learnt a lot since then.
This literally describes me and my GF. Im anxious. Pretty sure she is DA. I really struggle with thinking that shes just not that interested but now that I know DA's will breadcrumb it makes sense. Unfortunately because of her DA she also stonewalls me so thats super frustrating. How can I express my feelings without coming off as needy. WHich she already thinks I want too much and will always want more. haha might be true.
Yep spot on!!! A lot of people/partners so dont get this & even more........how painful it is for us taking crumbs.....
Thais this is SO helpful and informative. This has shed light on something I’ve struggled with frequently, and throughout the whole video I was nodding in full discovery and agreement. Thank you !
You're very welcome Joseph - PDS team
Can you make a video on how to respond to stop breadcrumbs? How to draw the boundary?
I'm not sure if I breadcrumb. We never really broke up, but have stayed friends. Every few weeks or so I might email him and chat, like he was sitting there with me. I'd like to think we're keeping in touch. He does respond back, almost always and sometimes he initiates them. But we are drifting away - fading. Maybe neither one of us wants to say good-bye. He's DA and I'm Secure. I wish it were more but know and respect he needs a lot of space.
Any update?
Video starts at 2:45
Thais, do you think you could maybe do a video on the enneagram and how it correlates to different attachments styles? I’ve heard you mention it before so me and my boyfriend took the test and I was by far a 4 as a fearful avoidant, and he was 98% a 6 and 95% a 1 as a dismissive avoidant. When reading about how the 6 and the 4 relate to each other it was very accurate and I feel like it really covered our attachment styles. Just an idea! We watch your videos almost every day and have never been healthier. You’re a game changer
I think people like DAs for the same reason people like cat's. You have to earn their affection by being a safe space for them to trust you. The problem is their not cat's, so even if you fully earn their trust, they don't always fully open and love you like a cat does. You're a giant alien to a cat so the fear is mainly physical fear so once you are show to not be a threat, there is no fear. DAs have more to fear if they open up due to it being psychological fear holding them back. The only people that can betray your trust are the people you trust 💔
Had never heard of the term breadcrumbing before. Once again, you're able to make so much sense of my experiences.
This is so funny because today I literally read about bread crumbs and I just laughed at the analogy.
Your videos are always seeping in at the right time. Perhaps it's all about LOA.. Thank you for what you do! 😊 ❤️
Thanks for taking the time to comment Tammy - PDS team
I too craved the magical bread of unmet needs. I've heard it referred to as Posca (the one they gave Jesus on the cross because it was given to him in tiny amounts on a sponge). I was profoundly missing in SO MANY unmet needs that I latched onto someone else who met those needs and craved his attention again and again, sending him double and triple texts! I'm so glad I understand why I did this and managed to ruin a perfectly good relationship (with someone who I suspect is a fellow FA but still).
Can you do a video on if the fearful avoidant is interested or not?
How do I know if a DA ex is ready to talk about reconciliation?
My DA ex is reaching out but she is hot and cold and Im unsure what her intention is.. Ive seen all Thais videos on DA but this havent bee covered in depth. Thank you!
ruclips.net/video/qrV4Uq9ysS0/видео.html
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you :) funny enough I've already commented on that video haha
"Hey :) you mentioned that there will be a video to figure out if a DA would like get back together for good, open for reconnection. Ive been looking for that video, Is there one out yet? Thank you!"
This is what is happening in my life, right now.
Yes please do the video of are they interested!
ruclips.net/video/p-OwlEcatcE/видео.html
He is definitely emotionally drained , he hardly sleeps
Super informative as always, thank you!
Thanks for the comment - PDS team
Dear Thais, thank you so much for this amazing video, this is what I am going through... I live in the past memories...my partner is a DA and today I said to him that I am about to giving up on us...he's breadcrumbing and I still don't know why...feel like he's holding me up...I am so hurtin.
Thank you so much for your very helpful videos that help me to process and understand...
Big hugs ❤️
Stay strong, I put up with this for 3 years. 3, years!!!!!!!!! As much as I love him dearly I know and knew deep down, nothing would ever change so long as I continued to allow it. Put yourself first.
He’s breadcrumbing simply because you let him. What we permit, we promote. It’s low investment on his end
Can you talk more about that last example? My ex went back to her verbally abusive ex after we ended she tends to be self-critical like that
I think she is more of FA and he is probably DA
So I ended it four months ago out of self respect. As you see below I was in the friend zone. So about a week ago I asked her for one of her recipes to which she replied with a video. Happy with that. Much too quickly - four days - much too quickly... I sent her a photograph of my cat nicely perched on a cushion gift she gave me for Christmas. To which I got this reply.
"Andy I wld appreciate if you wld refrain from sending me anymore texts. I am trying to move on from this painful period in my life and it does not help when you approach me and text me. Your wish was to end our friendship and I have honoured that and I only ask that you allow me to move on. Thank you."
Well I'm privileged that she admits it has been painful for her. She's an Avoidant and I'd been feeling ill treated for a long time. I actually felt she had done all but dump me. I think the best thing to do is to leave this for a few weeks even a month or so and come up with a reply. The question is... what reply. I love her dearly and have immense compassion for her. Stick around for further installments.
Thank you so much, Thais.
This answered many questions I had regarding my FA girlfriends behaviour that I could not understand.
We are broken up at the moment, but it might help her and hopefully us.
You frequently amaze me, Thais !
My ex DA has been breadcrumbing for 6 months. I thought he was stringing me along, but is this maybe his way of being open to reconcile? I've been ignoring him for 6 months and he still texts me and I feel a bit guilty
Just ask him what he wants or what his intentions are
@@SK-no2pp True, however, often times a DA either doesn't know, can't say, or both. So hard. I also feel like sometimes with some, just that they want a relationship but without having to say it, maybe because saying it scares them and then they retreat again...
militaryhorsegal the real question to ask is are you happy waiting for someone who doesn’t know what they want? Are you happy with someone who cannot express themselves fully to you? Are you happy with unmet emotional needs of your own? If you can not expect or want anything from him then perhaps it can work. But you’d be abandoning yourself and your own desires. Their behavior is hurtful for most people, even if they are coming from a wounded place. Usually it doesn’t make for healthy relationship dynamics unless the DA is self aware. I was AA, after years of work, I’m pretty secure. But my DA person hasn’t changed and I’m no longer attracted or satisfied with crumbs. I want to be seen and validated and need reciprocity. Give and take.
S K you are 💯% right. I was patient for months trying to help him while gently but honestly stating my needs. A lot of times he would make efforts that might seem tiny but were huge with his wounds. However, most recently he seems to have ghosted by letting me know he was going to an undisclosed location for an undetermined amount of time but it would be a lot longer than he originally thought...when I responded asking him if he wanted us to see each other before he left he ignored me. That was almost a week ago and I haven’t heard from him at all. I usually hear from him daily with maybe a day or two off after we have actually seen each other in person. I had wanted to break it off in person. I think he is too afraid to tell me in person.
militaryhorsegal I’m sorry you’re hurting. Also, are you sure he doesn’t have BPD (borderline personality disorder) their behavior is rather similar. You can’t help him or heal him. He has to be willing to do the inner work. What he said about going away is a mere excuse to get you off his back. Where is he going? Will he not have access to a phone and email?! Even prisons have phones. Save yourself and focus on becoming secure
Why does it feel like i'm bread crumming when i'm trying to give her some space when she seems like she needs space? I hope i didn't just answer my own question 🤣😭
I would love to see a show on my situation: My ex girlfreind after breakup now for many months has been texting me and is going though a lot of stress and school and kinda bread crumbing me and seems to every couple of weeks reach out and give me a couple of paragraphs of text. ( Bread crumb ? ) , A show on how to for the best results , Her being a Dismissive avoidant and me being a FA , how to aproach this in a way to give her what she needs to grow and see I am there for her and only want to help.
The AA one makes me think of the trail of Reese's in ET.
How to tell the difference between love bombing and fawning?
The end there was a call out of me personally. :P
Wowww! Such eye opening information. Thankyou Thais this is so valuable and I'll never forget it 💜
Great content
Thank you! - PDS team
Wow! I have more of an understanding about bread crumbing. So happy I have come across your videos. New subscriber here 😁
I know a lot of people have said this before but...I feel like Thais is spying on me and posts the most relevant vídeos o.0
Wow this is so trueee! I would like more videos on the topic of breadcrumbs
Could you please talk about trauma bonds as it relates to attachment styles/attachment trauma?
What is the Differences between narcissist and DA?
ruclips.net/video/juzU3XDblYQ/видео.html
Thank you !🙏🏻🌸
Larisa Albut Narcissist Cycle= Loveboming, Gaslighting, Devalue, Discard, Hoover. DA Cycle= Lovebombing, Deactivate, Devalue, Discard. One is abusive and the other is a subconscious way of protecting themselves from getting hurt. Both can feel a bit manipulative and both can be a means to getting certain needs met like attention, sex, ego boost.
TinyBrit32 thank you for your answer
This is so useful. Nobody has explained this.
Video on interested or not
Excellent video, as usual.
Great video as always...
Good video. My DA/FA ex did this. I told her she was doing this and she broke up with me a week later. But then she denied it was because it was anxieties and avoidance and that was a mind fuck.
Any update?
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I think many might like 2 see this topic expanded, in the context of stay-@-home, lockdown/shutdown traits of agoraphobia.
My love you are informative but you stress me thru talking too quick and quite hyper so I find it hard to continue watching you.
You could try using RUclips's ability to slow the video down
@Lucy, Alan Robarge is psychoanalyst who also talks about attachment styles and trauma and talks more slowly if that helps.