Wow, absolutely 100% spot-on. I relate to every single one of these reasons. I'd also add one more, which is that because FAs live in a constant state of fear-based ambivalence, with one foot in and one foot out ready to flee all the time, FAs may breadcrumb because while they want to continue being with the person they're with, they are also afraid of "misleading" that person into believing that they are fully committed to staying in the relationship long-term, and so they are trying to keep the other person at a slight distance so that if the FA does feel the need to bolt, the other person won't be too deeply hurt by that loss because they were never able to fully attach to the FA anyway. I think this has a lot to do with the FA tendency towards guilt, and towards feeling like they have to be responsible for managing everyone else's feelings all the time. I know that has been a major issue for me as an FA, no matter how much I like and am attracted to (and ultimately love) the person I'm with. Another aspect of that can be if the FA has either experienced or witnessed in their childhood domestic violence/intimate partner violence, they may be breadcrumbing their partner out of the (conscious or unconscious) fear that if they allow that person to become "too attached" and then have to break off the relationship for any reason, that person could become violent, so it's better to keep some chronic distance between them as a safeguard against that. (I know it's horrible to think that someone you love might be breadcrumbing you for that reason, but for those of us with violent pasts, it's really not about the person we're with in the present moment at all; it's purely about past trauma influencing how we engage in the present.) Also, for anyone who is with an FA who is doing this, pleeeeeeeeease don't skip the communication part before deciding that this is not the relationship for you!!! I only wish I had known how much I was hurting my exes by doing this to them. If I had understood that, especially if I'd had the chance to understand it from an integrated attachment theory perspective, I know I would have done things very differently. FAs are some of the most likely types to want to do the work if they know that's an option, so please do give them a chance to before deciding a relationship with them is not salvageable.
If I could hug you, I would (unless you have a boundary, of course 😅 I was just figuratively speaking). This is spot on. I didn’t know what it was and what the reasons are. I am 100% in a fear of some kind of hurt. I also did experience domestic abuse with my parents and other family members along with seeing other violence. It made me feel not so crazy. I also like that you added for people to give us a chance. I can’t heal if I don’t know why I am doing things because it was like auto pilot with a DA. So I am guessing he will dismiss that part but others will know. Thank you so much!
@@marcd2743 I just 'celebrated' 14 ys. with a FA. I'm still waiting for him to commit. We have had a million talks. He claims he wants a commitment but every single time we spend several days together, he 'breaks up' and it's always my fault. Of course!
Primarily secure. I ve opted out of these. What a relief! Jump off the rollercoaster. .Disrespect and abuse is closure. Game over. Texting is breadcrumbing. Classic avoidant behavior. Artificial intimacy. I choose peace, harmony, and stability over chaos.
Breadcrumbing is the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal social signals (i.e. "breadcrumbs") in order to lure a romantic partner in without expending much effort. In other words, it's leading someone on.
Breadcrumbing continuously makes me confused and anxious because I don't understand what the FA means, so I don't know how to react. Do I push? Do I pull? Are we moving forward? Are we at a stand still? Am I a placeholder for the next person? It's a lot of mental work, and it's exhausting.
Am a healed anxious preoccupied. I now have a secure attachment. My anxiety and depression has disappeared. It's the happiest I have ever been in my live. My energy is very positive am present for my children. My energy is affecting them in positive ways as well. Wonderful information Thais.
My FA ex once took a 2.5 hour detour on a 6 hour drive to see me for dinner (just dinner as we met at a restaurant and he had to drive for 6 hours straight after) but was not comfortable holding my hand or demonstrating any physical touch. It was extraordinary.
Similar, my FA early on met me an hour away to swim in a pool with me for only 30 min but on the drive back separately we were stopping to get a sandwich and I called him to get his order so it would be ready when we got there and he didn’t answer the phone. When we met at the spot he said he was on the phone! Proceeded to hug and touch me while we waited for the order, linked back up at my place and we had a nice night. Such BS. At the time I just thought him to be immature and rude, now I get he’s a severe FA. I’m a slight FA with a bit of secure baked in and very self aware, but knowing what I know now, I see how he pushed me anxious and why I stayed longer than I should’ve. I tried leaving 3x and let him pull me back with no change or improvement in his behavior or communication skills. Never again!
the more of these videos I watch, the more I realize that I cannot step into and replace someone else's healing journey. It is their journey and their task to own up to. I am not going to interpose into someone's karma. I wish them peace and healing on their own
The term “runner” for FA. Getting to close, triggers a panic response to run. When you have ran the approx distance away (not necessarily meaning physically) the immediate feeling is that you ran too far and wanting to run back, steps are taken to feel close. If the other person punishes or becomes immediately clingy because they feel neglected can again trigger this feeling to run again. It is exhausting for both parties. I have found once the FA does settle down mostly because the new partner forces you to stay, can temporarily “break” a FA defenses. However long term the FA will be unhappy but they might stay and end up a shell of themselves.
When I say the “partner forces you to stay”, I should reword it to mean, obligatory (children, finances, religious beliefs or ect.) commitments. Also commitments based on guilt, “they have done so much for me, when no one else has”. Deep down the FA really does want to be in a close and loving relationship, they tend to get spooked when too many commitments are piled on in the beginning. I think they like at times for the relationship to be long and slow. This can frustrate partners who have the “shit or get off the pot” urgency to start a life, rather than the wait and see what happens attitude. I also think the FA doesn’t trust themselves because they know deep down they are observers.
Most of us grew up with one sided conditional love. We expected others to love us who didn't know how to love unconditionally. It's a lifelong expectation and habit. Being feeling expressing love regardless of others loving you or not brings you to the source of love you already have within you. Loving=hello me 💗
@@seapeajones What about unconditional self love? Do you have conditions in order to love yourself? Do you have conditions to love pets and/or children that are in your life? Or is it only conditional in order to love a romantic partner?
I really like how Thais pointed out that getting rid of the attachment trauma conditioning helps you be SMARTER in life and in the relationship to yourself & other people :)
Thais! This hit home! Can you PLEASE do that video on the exhaustion of dating as an FA? Could you also please speak to differences between an FA leaning DA vs AP? Would also really appreciate a video on gender differences between the different attachment styles that you've observed 💚
Omg yes, I would LOVE a video on why these types of relationships are so exhausting to us FAs, how that is a key driver of our urge to avoid them, and what to do about that!!!
I feel part of that. I also feel like I would never be able to love and I start going down to the point of feeling like I don’t know and can’t love. Not able to love. It’s horrible
Thank you for this. It came at the right time, as many of your videos do. I'm currently the one doing the breadcrumbing with someone I genuinely care about. This helps me understand why and what direction to move in because I would like the relationship to work instead of having my fears drive my actions
@@Jackietreehorn-z5e I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she does too. Perhaps point her in the direction of PDS or even these videos if you haven't already. Thank you, and good luck to you too
@@Jackietreehorn-z5e Well I'm a little confused how she's breadcrumbing if you're official, so it's hard to say how much of your situation relates to mine. I'm not official with my person, but things have been getting serious since around spring. There's layers for me, but the long and short of it is I'm basically just afraid of getting into something official and it not working out. A lot of wounds and fears around all of that. For example, I've learned they aren't very good at communicating needs or feelings in real time. That reminds me of everyone else I've dated who it went wrong with. So I'm not stringing them along with no intention to pursue things seriously. It's more that I don't want to feel stuck with someone who's presenting unhealthy patterns. I also know I have my own unhealthy patterns. That's why we recently started doing weekly Sunday check-ins and have started PDS coursework together. I hope this helps
My FA would text me all day constantly, but never ring me to speak on the phone. I think that was only place he felt comfortable - I was close enough but not too close. I ended it as he just could not be in a relationship at all and found it really difficult
Me too!! 8 months and he only called me 2x and literally never answered if I even attempted to call him, the last time he called I was shocked and said wow, a phone call!? Big mistake, he came by and then disappeared for 2 weeks. Smh. Although he had noticed he forgot my birthday while he was uncharacteristically bringing me half his lunch in the middle of the day by spotting birthday cards on my table from 3 days before. He looked like he wanted to punch himself. I really just shrugged it off. Tried leaving after the 2 week disappearance, the next day he asked if we could talk.. talk never happened, a month later he text me that I deserve better and he needs to fix himself because he keeps hurting people. Ghost again, then some text back n forth once all day. Then I say, I miss you, can’t we talk? Silence. I have had to wash my hands, stopped trying about 30 days or so now. I can’t tango by myself..Mind you he pursued me for 2 years!!! Finally I decided to date him(I broke it off shortly after our great first date because he only text me) thinking maybe he’s grown up a bit..now I know it’s his fear of vulnerability. He thinks it’s because of his ex, but I know it’s a combo of her cheating on him and his chaotic upbringing that resulted in his dad leaving the home because of infidelity. So crazy, cause his brother is married with 2 kids.
At least he texted you. This one would make me work for that too but then she wouldnt stop when she started… maybe because i was getting her to express herself
Mine texted me all day constantly until the honeymoon period of our relationship was over (around month 5). It's like he's a shell of the man I fell in love with, and by month 8, I had to leave. We are still friends, but I'm about to let him go. It's been 5 hours since I have gotten a text from him and I know he's just home all day, unless he's lying about seeing someone. And he would do this when we were together too.
Why i breadcrump: either because i really like the person but not sure if he can be trusted/he’s inconsisted or because i’m terrified to hurt someone so ill say maybe to go out with people even though i don’t want to so that they won’t feel rejected when they ask. Not sure if the last one counts as breadcrumbing because i don’t reach out first
My husband started bread-crumbing after eight years of marriage. I’ve had a conversation with him about it three times now in a two month time frame. My last conversation was I can no longer stay in this marriage if this continues. He said he wanted us to continue in our marriage but the following day he punishes me with silent treatment. I feel like this is hopeless.
He's not punishing you, don't take it personally AT ALL, this is about how he feels, his fears and beliefs. I know its tempting to threaten and force a solution, but you need to be patience and give enough space for him to realize himself. Are you sure he is FA?
@@iamnow8why should she have to tiptoe around an avoidant? It’s time that avoidants take accountability for their actions, I get fear can be a scary emotion but sometimes they have to overcome the fear or else they will never change and constantly get triggered by emotionally healthy partners.
I had no idea this was a 'thing' until a few months ago from your video. I have lived with this and thought it was just the way some people relate, and I had to accept it if I wanted them in my life. Again I say, if only I had known. Now that I'm learning about my needs and wants, I have to decide what to do with this ...
@@blessed4500 ahhh, such a good question, a convicting question. I am still in this friendship/situationship, but in a more informed, wiser way. I see the bread crumbing when it happens. It doesn't suck me in the same as it did. This whole relationship is my PDS workbook. I'm in a much healthier place with it now, recognizing my needs, standing up for my boundaries. My heart is no longer attached, and I now see it as an ongoing exercise in growth. Thank you for asking and causing me to look at this a year later.
Please, please make the video on how exhausting it is to be an FA so people in my life can understand while I try to heal and do the work…because I do feel I have lost myself and work is hard with this inner conflict and lack of focus due to exhaustion and external conflicts. Thank you so much for this video, it helped me a lot and I learned about myself and I hope others I show will get an understanding. I just love your work. I wish I could afford a membership but I have no income 😢 so I so appreciate your videos
Oh my. I am FA and I do this. I have been breadcrumbed and it's so unfair, I really don't want to do that to anyone. I am doing this right now and also the deactivation, I don't want to! Why is it soo hard to change 😭 The push pull and being exhausted soooo resonates with me.
I totally relate to the ifvi love you, then I lose me. All of this resonates as a FA, but that losing myself happens after 5 months in. I am excited to reprogram myself with your courses so i don't feel this way any more!
Hey Thais, Your videos have provided tremendous value to developing compassion and understanding for myself and my partner. Thank you for your contributions. I wanted to take your personal development courses to heal my attachment style. I have Fearful-Avoidant tendencies which come up in romantic relationships. A long relationship of mine is coming to an end; this motivates me to look into my own insecurities and attachment patterns, take your course and do something about it, but I've noticed for myself, that I'm pretty stable when I'm single. Its only when I am in a relationship that these tendencies come up. Can I get the full benefit from the course even if I'm single? Can I heal from fearful avoidance tendencies even if I'm not in a relationship? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, and for anybody else whos taken the courses and has an opinion on this. Thank you!
Excellent!! I would add a BIG FA fear...I will invest my prescious time in an exclusive relationship and after the honeymoon period will realize this isn't the person I thought, but I will stay in the relationship to many years and it will eventually end, taking up a big chunk, again, of my time of my life... i dont have the time to do that anymore, so now i am more selective and hesitant to commit to someone exclusively. Have learned that need chemistry and compatibility..
Wasting time of YOUR life?! Wow! I feel for those other people. You show no empathy for the pain you have caused and now you say YOU don't have time to do that?
@@patriciajorgensen4728 This person doesn't realize that their partner can feel the energy shift after that honeymoon period, and it'll make the partner insecure and like an obligated burden because they likely know the FA is staying even though they're not into them anymore. It's a really selfish way of thinking. Relationships with FA is almost always on the FA's terms.
@@patriciajorgensen4728 i never said "wasting".. i said taking.. and funny thing.. even though I was not treated the best in some of those relationships, i dont have resentment and anger, spitefullness.. i choose to look at the good in each past relationship and learn from it.. but yes, im older and wiser now and have learned look for compatibility, not just the hot chemistry and sparks..
@@twentysevenand please read my response to the other commenter.. i didnt shift in energy, the others usually did, i wasnt selfish, i tried repeatedly.. many times when i shouldn't have.. a lot of people, in fact most, look back on their long term relationships and know they stayed in longer than should have, and it took up time you could have been available to meet the better match person... most important is to find someone you are compatible with on views and values from the start.. don't mainly connect because you have "Hot" chemistry.. you need both.. that is what I've learned..
I was "breadcrumbed" by a woman i genuinely liked whom I meet in Belgium, but I live in England. She was a dismissal avoidant and I'm anxious becoming secure. Initially very strong physical chemistry from the start after cocktails "maybe next time we'll have sex." then next time we saw each other was "my stomach hurts." Then we proceed to message for months, in which I would try to arrange a date got "maybe" "I'm with friends." "either that week or next week." I couldn't get a definite time or date, no showed, and once reluctantly showed up. Tried asking her would she be against us dating and got a vague answer. After trying for a dinner date I confronted her she doesn't want to see me then I was friendzoned. She messages back I assume she wants to see me nope same result "I don't when I will be back." So I wished her merry christmas with me and a new girl "Sorry things didn't work out. What you like or don't like isn't a reflection of me. As a friend I hope you find what your looking for." Made her jealous and haven't looked back because I don't have time to wait for her to be ready whenever that will be.
You are a beautiful person inside and out! I really appreciate you sharing your life experiences in an effort to help people and the most important way possible :-) thank you
Im being breadcrumbed right now... I stay up some nights waiting for his DMs cuz he said he would come thru but doesnt hit me up bout it. I get mad af and Everytime i say to myself "it's ALL about me " ... THERE HE GOES and im right back to being breadcrumbed . Im so sick of it and HIM !!!!!!
another instance of me watching a video thinking it will give me insight into the person on my mind, and i end up seeing myself in the descriptions 😬 i am a huge texter. i guess i need to work on overcoming my difficulty verbalizing vulnerable high anxiety feelings. i've been told for years not to send texts about emotional subjects but it feels like the only way i can get it out. but then my feelings get super hurt when i get no response and i silently withdraw into my loud, crowded second-guessing head again. sigh these vicious cycles!
Before I found out about attachment styles I was aware of my traits and also the others, I could feel them inside but I wasnt able to name them so to define them and sometimes I didnt know some of them are traits even and this unknown feelings could bring anxiety so I had to spent hours on searching based on symptoms and I never found key words and names of these traits like breadcrumb or limerence or deactivating, but then I found this channel and one of the many ways this channel helped me was finding out about these phrases and traits and deeper meaning of them then I felt less anxious so thank you alot for all these information
Same. Knowing my whole life something was off about me and sometimes even thought it was broken. I felt things weren't normal and heard others don't experience the same things either. But when I wanted to change ans understand it better and ask for advice people just said I was just unlucky and Mr. Perfect will show up. And I felt in my core that it won't work that way if you feel maybe you are selfsabotaging but don't know yet how especially the time that I couldn't even get a relationship was confusing why did I get rejected all the time? Wasn't I pretty, sweet or caring enough? No. Did I never went to therapy? Also no. Why could nobody tell me what I was doing wrong and what I was feeling was off. I am just deepdivibg in this subject now for maybe 3 months. And it's crazy how finally you understand youself and the patterns and experiences that always felt you knew there was something but it was invisible.
Sounds alot like FAs leaning DA qualities. But also maybe I'm more familiar with needs and feelings due to other studies. I was leaning anxious with DA but have always had a sense of self. I'm probably about 80% Secure now even though I've not been in intimate relating for a couple years.
This feels much more like a DA than an FA to me. As someone who is largely FA, I accept far less connection from my DA friend than I would like.....which is perhaps him breadcrumbing. I would connect much more if I wasn't afraid that it would make him run! So am I breadcrumbing him??
Call it out. They were breadcrummer as children. But they are not children now. So glad she has classes for people to change. So many people don't know about attachment( the people I know or work with) as a therapist it's obviously a slanted view. Untreated is pseudo- independent.
When they keep u at bay or at a distance or on the back burner. They can't fulfill ur needs. One foot out the door one foot in. They have too many core wounds or just not as into u due to red flags they won't overlook.. Someone correct if I'm wrong but that's what I dealt with who was an Fa& Da (dismissive avoidant)
So sorry.. maybe stop doing those things for her, remain loving, calm, and supportive but tell her you wouldn't be a healthy, loving, caring husband if you enabled her.. and you're willing to get her and your marriage help and will participate... God Bless you both.. xoxo
She literally depends on you like a parent, instead of reciprocating as the selfless, supportive partner that you're being. Sending you blessings & healing in hopes that you re-discover the home within yourself. 🙏🏽💯
Crazy because my husband doesn't do any of those thins. If I ask him to help me out with the dishes because I work too and do all the cooking when I get home and cleaning so every now and then it would be nice if he could wash the dishes but instead, he'll roll his eyes or he'll say I'm not the only one who dirties the dishes. And if I'm in the middle of cooking and I need 1 or 2 ingredients and it's extremely rare that I ask him anything because he's "trained" me not to ask anything of him or he'll roll his eyes and complain but I really needed these 2 ingredients and the store is only 7 mins away so what does he do, he throws a fit. We argue a lot because he doesn't want to do anything. He thinks just because he works and pays majority of the bills, that that's enough. But I work too AND I pay bills too!! And in his sick mind, he thinks just because he pays majority of the bills, that I Have to reward him with sex!! I told him, I am NOT your damn sex slave!! I did Not sign up for this when we married. If that's what you wanted, then you should've married a prostitute because I am Not gonna reward you with sex when you have Zero Respect for me.. you treat me as if I'm less than nothing. We've only been married for 2 1/2 years and it's going to be ending soon. I've tried and tried to talk to him and ask him why does he treat me like this but all he ever says is "Oh it's Always me".. and I said "Oh, so it's always me then huh? You never do any wrong? Is that what you're saying?" He Never wants to communicate. It's the same ol' same ol' every time. He picks a fight, he isolates me/"punishes" me and then when he wants sex, he starts acting all nice and asks if I need anything from the store so that I can later "reward" him with sex. I had forgotten who I was for a bit. I had to snap out of it and remember just Who I Am. I will be serving him with the divorce papers Soon. So Glad we have NO children together.. otherwise I would still have to see him for the rest of my life!! This marriage has caused me so much mental, emotional and physical damage. It's a Learned Behavior, his mother is the same way. We had to live with her for a while until our house was ready to move in and the things that woman put me through.. omg. So much emotional and mental damage. I feel like I just can't get away from it.. I feel like there's so many toxic people Everywhere. I know not everyone is toxic but sadly the majority of folks are.
@@LM-ol4wc I am SO sorry... ughhh.. unfortunately this is common in many relationships.. one of the reasons I never remarried after first short marriage when young... all 4 long term relationship men wanted to.. i was like.. i make a better committed girlfriend then a wife🤣... easy out!! There may be no hope for you with this man, but if you think there is the slightest of possibilities... leave and separate from him and see if he realizes how he's been and makes a real change... God Bless you.. xoxo
Could you do a video about DAs who had really good childhoods but there was an early divorce and/or romantic relationship that caused the attachment style later than childhood? No real history of trauma.
Wow, absolutely 100% spot-on. I relate to every single one of these reasons. I'd also add one more, which is that because FAs live in a constant state of fear-based ambivalence, with one foot in and one foot out ready to flee all the time, FAs may breadcrumb because while they want to continue being with the person they're with, they are also afraid of "misleading" that person into believing that they are fully committed to staying in the relationship long-term, and so they are trying to keep the other person at a slight distance so that if the FA does feel the need to bolt, the other person won't be too deeply hurt by that loss because they were never able to fully attach to the FA anyway. I think this has a lot to do with the FA tendency towards guilt, and towards feeling like they have to be responsible for managing everyone else's feelings all the time. I know that has been a major issue for me as an FA, no matter how much I like and am attracted to (and ultimately love) the person I'm with.
Another aspect of that can be if the FA has either experienced or witnessed in their childhood domestic violence/intimate partner violence, they may be breadcrumbing their partner out of the (conscious or unconscious) fear that if they allow that person to become "too attached" and then have to break off the relationship for any reason, that person could become violent, so it's better to keep some chronic distance between them as a safeguard against that. (I know it's horrible to think that someone you love might be breadcrumbing you for that reason, but for those of us with violent pasts, it's really not about the person we're with in the present moment at all; it's purely about past trauma influencing how we engage in the present.)
Also, for anyone who is with an FA who is doing this, pleeeeeeeeease don't skip the communication part before deciding that this is not the relationship for you!!! I only wish I had known how much I was hurting my exes by doing this to them. If I had understood that, especially if I'd had the chance to understand it from an integrated attachment theory perspective, I know I would have done things very differently. FAs are some of the most likely types to want to do the work if they know that's an option, so please do give them a chance to before deciding a relationship with them is not salvageable.
@@Nattleby She's banging other dudes. Walk away and work on why you would put up with this kind of treatment.
If I could hug you, I would (unless you have a boundary, of course 😅 I was just figuratively speaking). This is spot on. I didn’t know what it was and what the reasons are. I am 100% in a fear of some kind of hurt. I also did experience domestic abuse with my parents and other family members along with seeing other violence.
It made me feel not so crazy. I also like that you added for people to give us a chance. I can’t heal if I don’t know why I am doing things because it was like auto pilot with a DA. So I am guessing he will dismiss that part but others will know. Thank you so much!
@@Nattleby After getting out of a 16 year relationship you are completely blind to so many things and completely out of control.
@@marcd2743 I just 'celebrated' 14 ys. with a FA. I'm still waiting for him to commit. We have had a million talks. He claims he wants a commitment but every single time we spend several days together, he 'breaks up' and it's always my fault. Of course!
@@Nattleby Yeah bro, don't get sucked into this. The toxicity will become a drug. You're into her already more than you know.
Primarily secure.
I ve opted out of these. What a relief!
Jump off the rollercoaster.
.Disrespect and abuse is closure.
Game over.
Texting is breadcrumbing. Classic avoidant behavior. Artificial intimacy.
I choose peace, harmony, and stability over chaos.
Breadcrumbing is the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal social signals (i.e. "breadcrumbs") in order to lure a romantic partner in without expending much effort. In other words, it's leading someone on.
Thanks. I had no idea what she was talking about.
Breadcrumbing continuously makes me confused and anxious because I don't understand what the FA means, so I don't know how to react. Do I push? Do I pull? Are we moving forward? Are we at a stand still? Am I a placeholder for the next person? It's a lot of mental work, and it's exhausting.
It’s hell for anxious avoidants.
Totally, and this is even my own personal attachment style! I guess knowing how it feels somehow doesn’t make it easier.
Both attachment styles breadcrumb.
Not, leave!
you deserve better people and better things. move on if this gets too exhausted
Am a healed anxious preoccupied. I now have a secure attachment. My anxiety and depression has disappeared. It's the happiest I have ever been in my live. My energy is very positive am present for my children. My energy is affecting them in positive ways as well. Wonderful information Thais.
I am so happy for you! :))
My FA ex once took a 2.5 hour detour on a 6 hour drive to see me for dinner (just dinner as we met at a restaurant and he had to drive for 6 hours straight after) but was not comfortable holding my hand or demonstrating any physical touch. It was extraordinary.
Similar, my FA early on met me an hour away to swim in a pool with me for only 30 min but on the drive back separately we were stopping to get a sandwich and I called him to get his order so it would be ready when we got there and he didn’t answer the phone. When we met at the spot he said he was on the phone! Proceeded to hug and touch me while we waited for the order, linked back up at my place and we had a nice night. Such BS. At the time I just thought him to be immature and rude, now I get he’s a severe FA. I’m a slight FA with a bit of secure baked in and very self aware, but knowing what I know now, I see how he pushed me anxious and why I stayed longer than I should’ve. I tried leaving 3x and let him pull me back with no change or improvement in his behavior or communication skills. Never again!
the more of these videos I watch, the more I realize that I cannot step into and replace someone else's healing journey. It is their journey and their task to own up to. I am not going to interpose into someone's karma. I wish them peace and healing on their own
The term “runner” for FA. Getting to close, triggers a panic response to run. When you have ran the approx distance away (not necessarily meaning physically) the immediate feeling is that you ran too far and wanting to run back, steps are taken to feel close. If the other person punishes or becomes immediately clingy because they feel neglected can again trigger this feeling to run again. It is exhausting for both parties. I have found once the FA does settle down mostly because the new partner forces you to stay, can temporarily “break” a FA defenses. However long term the FA will be unhappy but they might stay and end up a shell of themselves.
When I say the “partner forces you to stay”, I should reword it to mean, obligatory (children, finances, religious beliefs or ect.) commitments. Also commitments based on guilt, “they have done so much for me, when no one else has”. Deep down the FA really does want to be in a close and loving relationship, they tend to get spooked when too many commitments are piled on in the beginning. I think they like at times for the relationship to be long and slow. This can frustrate partners who have the “shit or get off the pot” urgency to start a life, rather than the wait and see what happens attitude. I also think the FA doesn’t trust themselves because they know deep down they are observers.
Most of us grew up with one sided conditional love. We expected others to love us who didn't know how to love unconditionally. It's a lifelong expectation and habit. Being feeling expressing love regardless of others loving you or not brings you to the source of love you already have within you. Loving=hello me 💗
There's no such thing as unconditional love. Probably the silliest & most harmful expectation anyone could place on a relationship.
@@seapeajones What about unconditional self love? Do you have conditions in order to love yourself? Do you have conditions to love pets and/or children that are in your life? Or is it only conditional in order to love a romantic partner?
I usually save my bread crumbs for Thanksgiving as internal Turkey stuffing.
💀🤣🤣🤣
Lol I needed that laugh
😄😄😄
🤣🤣🤣👌 Good! Instead of sprinkling them on innocent people! 😇
😂😂😂
I really like how Thais pointed out that getting rid of the attachment trauma conditioning helps you be SMARTER in life and in the relationship to yourself & other people :)
Thais! This hit home! Can you PLEASE do that video on the exhaustion of dating as an FA? Could you also please speak to differences between an FA leaning DA vs AP? Would also really appreciate a video on gender differences between the different attachment styles that you've observed 💚
And thank you so much!
Omg yes, I would LOVE a video on why these types of relationships are so exhausting to us FAs, how that is a key driver of our urge to avoid them, and what to do about that!!!
Also on the gender component, as well!!
I feel part of that. I also feel like I would never be able to love and I start going down to the point of feeling like I don’t know and can’t love. Not able to love. It’s horrible
Thank you for this. It came at the right time, as many of your videos do. I'm currently the one doing the breadcrumbing with someone I genuinely care about. This helps me understand why and what direction to move in because I would like the relationship to work instead of having my fears drive my actions
@@Jackietreehorn-z5e I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she does too. Perhaps point her in the direction of PDS or even these videos if you haven't already. Thank you, and good luck to you too
@@Jackietreehorn-z5e Well I'm a little confused how she's breadcrumbing if you're official, so it's hard to say how much of your situation relates to mine. I'm not official with my person, but things have been getting serious since around spring.
There's layers for me, but the long and short of it is I'm basically just afraid of getting into something official and it not working out. A lot of wounds and fears around all of that. For example, I've learned they aren't very good at communicating needs or feelings in real time. That reminds me of everyone else I've dated who it went wrong with. So I'm not stringing them along with no intention to pursue things seriously. It's more that I don't want to feel stuck with someone who's presenting unhealthy patterns. I also know I have my own unhealthy patterns. That's why we recently started doing weekly Sunday check-ins and have started PDS coursework together. I hope this helps
Any update?
@@FM-zg5hz We're official now. Lots of communication
@@siritalis4956 Is there any way to contact you? I’m in the same boat and want to know how to move things forward
My FA would text me all day constantly, but never ring me to speak on the phone. I think that was only place he felt comfortable - I was close enough but not too close. I ended it as he just could not be in a relationship at all and found it really difficult
Me too!! 8 months and he only called me 2x and literally never answered if I even attempted to call him, the last time he called I was shocked and said wow, a phone call!? Big mistake, he came by and then disappeared for 2 weeks. Smh. Although he had noticed he forgot my birthday while he was uncharacteristically bringing me half his lunch in the middle of the day by spotting birthday cards on my table from 3 days before. He looked like he wanted to punch himself. I really just shrugged it off. Tried leaving after the 2 week disappearance, the next day he asked if we could talk.. talk never happened, a month later he text me that I deserve better and he needs to fix himself because he keeps hurting people. Ghost again, then some text back n forth once all day. Then I say, I miss you, can’t we talk? Silence. I have had to wash my hands, stopped trying about 30 days or so now. I can’t tango by myself..Mind you he pursued me for 2 years!!! Finally I decided to date him(I broke it off shortly after our great first date because he only text me) thinking maybe he’s grown up a bit..now I know it’s his fear of vulnerability. He thinks it’s because of his ex, but I know it’s a combo of her cheating on him and his chaotic upbringing that resulted in his dad leaving the home because of infidelity. So crazy, cause his brother is married with 2 kids.
At least he texted you. This one would make me work for that too but then she wouldnt stop when she started… maybe because i was getting her to express herself
That texting only thing makes other things difficult especially when times get tough.
Mine texted me all day constantly until the honeymoon period of our relationship was over (around month 5). It's like he's a shell of the man I fell in love with, and by month 8, I had to leave. We are still friends, but I'm about to let him go. It's been 5 hours since I have gotten a text from him and I know he's just home all day, unless he's lying about seeing someone. And he would do this when we were together too.
It's hell. These people belong in hell.
Why i breadcrump: either because i really like the person but not sure if he can be trusted/he’s inconsisted or because i’m terrified to hurt someone so ill say maybe to go out with people even though i don’t want to so that they won’t feel rejected when they ask. Not sure if the last one counts as breadcrumbing because i don’t reach out first
My husband started bread-crumbing after eight years of marriage. I’ve had a conversation with him about it three times now in a two month time frame. My last conversation was I can no longer stay in this marriage if this continues. He said he wanted us to continue in our marriage but the following day he punishes me with silent treatment. I feel like this is hopeless.
He's not punishing you, don't take it personally AT ALL, this is about how he feels, his fears and beliefs. I know its tempting to threaten and force a solution, but you need to be patience and give enough space for him to realize himself. Are you sure he is FA?
@@iamnow8why should she have to tiptoe around an avoidant? It’s time that avoidants take accountability for their actions, I get fear can be a scary emotion but sometimes they have to overcome the fear or else they will never change and constantly get triggered by emotionally healthy partners.
I had no idea this was a 'thing' until a few months ago from your video. I have lived with this and thought it was just the way some people relate, and I had to accept it if I wanted them in my life. Again I say, if only I had known. Now that I'm learning about my needs and wants, I have to decide what to do with this ...
Any update?
What did you do?
@@blessed4500 ahhh, such a good question, a convicting question. I am still in this friendship/situationship, but in a more informed, wiser way. I see the bread crumbing when it happens. It doesn't suck me in the same as it did. This whole relationship is my PDS workbook. I'm in a much healthier place with it now, recognizing my needs, standing up for my boundaries. My heart is no longer attached, and I now see it as an ongoing exercise in growth. Thank you for asking and causing me to look at this a year later.
Your content is always so helpful and informative. Thanks beauty ❤
Please, please make the video on how exhausting it is to be an FA so people in my life can understand while I try to heal and do the work…because I do feel I have lost myself and work is hard with this inner conflict and lack of focus due to exhaustion and external conflicts. Thank you so much for this video, it helped me a lot and I learned about myself and I hope others I show will get an understanding.
I just love your work. I wish I could afford a membership but I have no income 😢 so I so appreciate your videos
Hey how is your self work going?
I love how Thais always gets to the root of things!
Oh my. I am FA and I do this. I have been breadcrumbed and it's so unfair, I really don't want to do that to anyone. I am doing this right now and also the deactivation, I don't want to! Why is it soo hard to change 😭
The push pull and being exhausted soooo resonates with me.
You’re not alone 😩
Hi! Curious, if you really liked someone would you still do this? Maybe if you were scared of getting hurt ?
STAY SINGLE.
I totally relate to the ifvi love you, then I lose me. All of this resonates as a FA, but that losing myself happens after 5 months in. I am excited to reprogram myself with your courses so i don't feel this way any more!
Hey Thais,
Your videos have provided tremendous value to developing compassion and understanding for myself and my partner. Thank you for your contributions. I wanted to take your personal development courses to heal my attachment style. I have Fearful-Avoidant tendencies which come up in romantic relationships. A long relationship of mine is coming to an end; this motivates me to look into my own insecurities and attachment patterns, take your course and do something about it, but I've noticed for myself, that I'm pretty stable when I'm single. Its only when I am in a relationship that these tendencies come up. Can I get the full benefit from the course even if I'm single? Can I heal from fearful avoidance tendencies even if I'm not in a relationship? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts, and for anybody else whos taken the courses and has an opinion on this. Thank you!
Excellent!! I would add a BIG FA fear...I will invest my prescious time in an exclusive relationship and after the honeymoon period will realize this isn't the person I thought, but I will stay in the relationship to many years and it will eventually end, taking up a big chunk, again, of my time of my life... i dont have the time to do that anymore, so now i am more selective and hesitant to commit to someone exclusively. Have learned that need chemistry and compatibility..
Wasting time of YOUR life?! Wow! I feel for those other people. You show no empathy for the pain you have caused and now you say YOU don't have time to do that?
@@patriciajorgensen4728 lol they never think about that all that matters is them
@@patriciajorgensen4728 This person doesn't realize that their partner can feel the energy shift after that honeymoon period, and it'll make the partner insecure and like an obligated burden because they likely know the FA is staying even though they're not into them anymore. It's a really selfish way of thinking. Relationships with FA is almost always on the FA's terms.
@@patriciajorgensen4728 i never said "wasting".. i said taking.. and funny thing.. even though I was not treated the best in some of those relationships, i dont have resentment and anger, spitefullness.. i choose to look at the good in each past relationship and learn from it.. but yes, im older and wiser now and have learned look for compatibility, not just the hot chemistry and sparks..
@@twentysevenand please read my response to the other commenter.. i didnt shift in energy, the others usually did, i wasnt selfish, i tried repeatedly.. many times when i shouldn't have.. a lot of people, in fact most, look back on their long term relationships and know they stayed in longer than should have, and it took up time you could have been available to meet the better match person... most important is to find someone you are compatible with on views and values from the start.. don't mainly connect because you have "Hot" chemistry.. you need both.. that is what I've learned..
I was "breadcrumbed" by a woman i genuinely liked whom I meet in Belgium, but I live in England. She was a dismissal avoidant and I'm anxious becoming secure. Initially very strong physical chemistry from the start after cocktails "maybe next time we'll have sex." then next time we saw each other was "my stomach hurts." Then we proceed to message for months, in which I would try to arrange a date got "maybe" "I'm with friends." "either that week or next week." I couldn't get a definite time or date, no showed, and once reluctantly showed up. Tried asking her would she be against us dating and got a vague answer. After trying for a dinner date I confronted her she doesn't want to see me then I was friendzoned. She messages back I assume she wants to see me nope same result "I don't when I will be back." So I wished her merry christmas with me and a new girl "Sorry things didn't work out. What you like or don't like isn't a reflection of me. As a friend I hope you find what your looking for." Made her jealous and haven't looked back because I don't have time to wait for her to be ready whenever that will be.
You are a beautiful person inside and out! I really appreciate you sharing your life experiences in an effort to help people and the most important way possible :-) thank you
Im being breadcrumbed right now... I stay up some nights waiting for his DMs cuz he said he would come thru but doesnt hit me up bout it. I get mad af and Everytime i say to myself "it's ALL about me " ... THERE HE GOES and im right back to being breadcrumbed . Im so sick of it and HIM !!!!!!
another instance of me watching a video thinking it will give me insight into the person on my mind, and i end up seeing myself in the descriptions 😬 i am a huge texter. i guess i need to work on overcoming my difficulty verbalizing vulnerable high anxiety feelings. i've been told for years not to send texts about emotional subjects but it feels like the only way i can get it out. but then my feelings get super hurt when i get no response and i silently withdraw into my loud, crowded second-guessing head again. sigh these vicious cycles!
Wish I'd seen this 50 years ago!
Sometimes we breadcrumb because we don’t want to be a burden.
Can you explain this one??
Before I found out about attachment styles I was aware of my traits and also the others, I could feel them inside but I wasnt able to name them so to define them and sometimes I didnt know some of them are traits even and this unknown feelings could bring anxiety so I had to spent hours on searching based on symptoms and I never found key words and names of these traits like breadcrumb or limerence or deactivating, but then I found this channel and one of the many ways this channel helped me was finding out about these phrases and traits and deeper meaning of them then I felt less anxious so thank you alot for all these information
Same. Knowing my whole life something was off about me and sometimes even thought it was broken. I felt things weren't normal and heard others don't experience the same things either. But when I wanted to change ans understand it better and ask for advice people just said I was just unlucky and Mr. Perfect will show up. And I felt in my core that it won't work that way if you feel maybe you are selfsabotaging but don't know yet how especially the time that I couldn't even get a relationship was confusing why did I get rejected all the time? Wasn't I pretty, sweet or caring enough? No. Did I never went to therapy? Also no. Why could nobody tell me what I was doing wrong and what I was feeling was off. I am just deepdivibg in this subject now for maybe 3 months. And it's crazy how finally you understand youself and the patterns and experiences that always felt you knew there was something but it was invisible.
its exhausting to be a fearfully aware avoidant too
Sounds alot like FAs leaning DA qualities.
But also maybe I'm more familiar with needs and feelings due to other studies. I was leaning anxious with DA but have always had a sense of self. I'm probably about 80% Secure now even though I've not been in intimate relating for a couple years.
This feels much more like a DA than an FA to me. As someone who is largely FA, I accept far less connection from my DA friend than I would like.....which is perhaps him breadcrumbing. I would connect much more if I wasn't afraid that it would make him run!
So am I breadcrumbing him??
The one I been dealing with wouldn't let me end it. Several times I tried to walk away and she always got upset
7:18 - a conditioned belief system you acquired from attachment trauma
Beliefs - I will be abandoned.
❤ THAIS, THANK YOU, THIS IS SOOOOOOOOOOO ME, I FEEL HOPEFUL N ENCOURAGED......... THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROGRAM!!!!!!😂
Breadcrumbing is painful and should never be tolerated. Men do not breadcrumb women they like
But aren't there long-term outcomes and consequences to every relationship?
Call it out. They were breadcrummer as children. But they are not children now. So glad she has classes for people to change. So many people don't know about attachment( the people I know or work with) as a therapist it's obviously a slanted view. Untreated is pseudo- independent.
What
Did she tell us what "breadcrumbing" was? Did I miss it?
You have just described me!
I don't breadcrumb I give so much. To contribute and earn
Please define the term that you address. (breadcrumbing)
Hello Thasis. Do you have any credentials?
First like and comment. I'm so special 😂
I don’t know what bread crumbing is
When they keep u at bay or at a distance or on the back burner. They can't fulfill ur needs. One foot out the door one foot in. They have too many core wounds or just not as into u due to red flags they won't overlook.. Someone correct if I'm wrong but that's what I dealt with who was an Fa& Da (dismissive avoidant)
Bassically they dangle a carrot in your face and everytime you get near it, they move it, its BS Bassically you never get what you want.
Comment removed cus of trolls.
So sorry.. maybe stop doing those things for her, remain loving, calm, and supportive but tell her you wouldn't be a healthy, loving, caring husband if you enabled her.. and you're willing to get her and your marriage help and will participate... God Bless you both.. xoxo
She literally depends on you like a parent, instead of reciprocating as the selfless, supportive partner that you're being. Sending you blessings & healing in hopes that you re-discover the home within yourself. 🙏🏽💯
Crazy because my husband doesn't do any of those thins. If I ask him to help me out with the dishes because I work too and do all the cooking when I get home and cleaning so every now and then it would be nice if he could wash the dishes but instead, he'll roll his eyes or he'll say I'm not the only one who dirties the dishes. And if I'm in the middle of cooking and I need 1 or 2 ingredients and it's extremely rare that I ask him anything because he's "trained" me not to ask anything of him or he'll roll his eyes and complain but I really needed these 2 ingredients and the store is only 7 mins away so what does he do, he throws a fit.
We argue a lot because he doesn't want to do anything. He thinks just because he works and pays majority of the bills, that that's enough. But I work too AND I pay bills too!! And in his sick mind, he thinks just because he pays majority of the bills, that I Have to reward him with sex!!
I told him, I am NOT your damn sex slave!! I did Not sign up for this when we married. If that's what you wanted, then you should've married a prostitute because I am Not gonna reward you with sex when you have Zero Respect for me.. you treat me as if I'm less than nothing.
We've only been married for 2 1/2 years and it's going to be ending soon. I've tried and tried to talk to him and ask him why does he treat me like this but all he ever says is "Oh it's Always me".. and I said "Oh, so it's always me then huh? You never do any wrong? Is that what you're saying?" He Never wants to communicate. It's the same ol' same ol' every time. He picks a fight, he isolates me/"punishes" me and then when he wants sex, he starts acting all nice and asks if I need anything from the store so that I can later "reward" him with sex.
I had forgotten who I was for a bit. I had to snap out of it and remember just Who I Am. I will be serving him with the divorce papers Soon. So Glad we have NO children together.. otherwise I would still have to see him for the rest of my life!! This marriage has caused me so much mental, emotional and physical damage. It's a Learned Behavior, his mother is the same way. We had to live with her for a while until our house was ready to move in and the things that woman put me through.. omg. So much emotional and mental damage. I feel like I just can't get away from it.. I feel like there's so many toxic people Everywhere.
I know not everyone is toxic but sadly the majority of folks are.
@@LM-ol4wc you may be married to a narcissist. My partner just woke up so I will have to write my reply later
@@LM-ol4wc I am SO sorry... ughhh.. unfortunately this is common in many relationships.. one of the reasons I never remarried after first short marriage when young... all 4 long term relationship men wanted to.. i was like.. i make a better committed girlfriend then a wife🤣... easy out!! There may be no hope for you with this man, but if you think there is the slightest of possibilities... leave and separate from him and see if he realizes how he's been and makes a real change... God Bless you.. xoxo
Now please explain this without using the term "breadcrumb". Why make everything into this world of silly jargon?
Could you do a video about DAs who had really good childhoods but there was an early divorce and/or romantic relationship that caused the attachment style later than childhood? No real history of trauma.
You're seriously so awesome and amazing ❤️🙏🙏 what a beautiful legacy you will leave behind 👏👏❤️🫂