AITA for siding with my sister for refusing to name her son after her husband?
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AITA for siding with my sister for refusing to name her son after her husband?
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She's right. As someone with not only a legacy first name but middle name so I'm named after both parents, it is 1000% awful and hurtful to your child to name them after you. Any disappointment and failure gets amplified, and the parents tend to only see the child as an extension of themselves.
I have legacy middles I and yes it needs to be considered that the child might not feel good about that, my personal issue with it is such a common name, which left me with no way to avoid the top ten first name pit falls. But I might feel worse if the woman whos name I got was alive during my childhood.
So here is my anecdotal perception, when my mom was pregnant with me, she had a name picked out and has communicated with my dad. When my mom was incapacitated, my dad took advantage of it and filled the birth certificate out without her knowledge and named me after him. And soon became a pattern with my siblings. So my mom was deprived the joy of naming her own children which eventually contributed to resentment.
I'm so sorry. That's just terrible. My father bullied all of his baby-mommas into letting him name his kids. Thankfully, most of us ended up with decent names...my little brother, though? His first AND last name are really bad. He was picked on mercilessly as a result...because my dad had to be "the man."
@@anakaliaeastwood yeah it was a thing…my mom did get over it, but to me I felt it wasn’t fair to wait til she was unconscious to do that and not honor her wishes. Tbh my dad wasn’t there when I was born, and when he did finally show he pulled this stunt. We came together and spoken with him and we understand the excitement of being a new father and the continuation of “lineage” but my mom had family names she wanted to honor as well but didn’t get the chance.
What a dick. The father should get a say in the kid’s name, but going behind the mother’s back is completely different.
I feel like the husband is actually the one being a dictator, not the wife. He’s not willing to back down on naming a baby after himself, while the wife is trying to advocate for the personhood and autonomy of their child.
True. Also assuming the baby will take the husband’s last name, why give him his first name too. That’s just weird and selfish on the husband’s part.
Agreed and it sounds like that poor woman doesn't feel valued at all
There is also the phrasing of "someone who doesn't contribute" that to me says he is not stepping up but instead is doing what Dusty said which is sitting on the sofa doing nothing and that's concerning to me.
@@jenniferalberstein8057 Agreed that was my impression as well, poor things a single mother with a crap room mate
@@silentlyjudgingyou yeah and pregnancy hormones are definitely amplifying everything for her.
The phrasing of the sister's second statement is concerning to me because it makes it sound like the husband isn't doing as much as he could to help and her pregnancy hormones are making everything worse.
If she disapproves then it doesn't happen. If she is acting like this he probably isn't a very good husband.
He probably already gets his last name. Why do they need to give him his 1st name too?
"Her husband who does nothing but gets the snacks" 1:24 , so he's probably only in it for the legacy, this child would 100% be an extension of the father and not so much his own person, and even if the father wasn't useless I'd say it's still wrong to name your kids after yourselves because of the expectations it puts on them. NTA
Dusty, you're normally the first one to recognize the potential for pregnancy/hormones to be playing a factor. It is possible she didn't know she felt this way until she spent an amount of time pregnant and saw how her husband was while she was pregnant. It is also possible that her hormones are making her more strident in her beliefs. Either way, as you like to say, baby names take 2 yeses and they don't have one. Also, if she wanted to name a baby girl after her, how much of the family would be on her side, I wonder?
She's hormonal and it's unreasonable for the husband and his parents to act like this is the end of the world. That said I think the cracks in this marriage are starting to show, it sounds like she doesn't feel valued.
Any man who is insistent on his child being named after him is a raging narcissist.
Sounds like OP’s sis is just finding this out.
She’s now got that man baby in her life forever.
Yikes!
I agree completely. My husband wanted to name our son after him, I was not on board with that. 18 years later...I found out he was cheating on me the whole time and a complete narcissist.
My husband and I are a team. We discussed together what our babies would be called and everyone else found out after the babies were born what their names were.
I see her side, i was asleep after 20 hours labor. My ex named our son after himself, while ideas asleep. Military hospital, it was filed. He went on transplant my sons identity. Twice! My son legally changed his name.
My ex did that at a military hospital too.
“2 yes, 1 no” situation, this is her voting no. Not a dictator at all, but just using her no vote.
People glossed over the part where OP mentions the BIL and the family wanted to reach a compromise and choose a name that references him or a name they like but she doubled down and refused.
I found this on reddit and OP mentioned and confirmed that the sister thinks it's about the principle and has no issues about the husband's contributions.
Ironically enough, she's the one making their child "property" the way she thinks she is the only one worthy to naming their child.
Come on now, how is she a dictator when you need both parties to agree on the name. Both of them are literally at the opposite ends of a vote, which means they need to scrap that name and move onto a different name. His vote is that they only have one option and her vote is to pick another name, it doesn’t even seem like she has a specific one that she set on.
It’s hard for a child to be named after someone. I had the discussion with my husband before we married. We agreed that having a junior was a hard no.
If the family is behind the husband, why can't the sister be behind her sister? Sounds like the odds are pretty skewed, but that's what comes when family members butt in to each other's personal and private business. Naming a child is up to the parents; period. Everyone else should stay out of it even if asked. Politely decline to get involved in such a sensitive matter and never pick a side. No good can come from it. That being said, it almost sounds as if the mom-to-be resents not just the husband's desire to name the child after him, but resents the fact that she's pregnant at all. Maybe she wasn't ready, maybe she thinks *they're* not ready, maybe she was hoping for a daughter and not a son, maybe she's just hormonal, tired, uncertain and scared. The child will end up with a name sooner or later: hopefully, it will be one both parents eagerly agree upon. Everyone else, bow out of this conversation. It is none of your concern.
I had that thought as well, something is very wrong in that marriage it sounds like the wife is very cornered.
I felt the same about the sister. Sounds like husband wants everyone to gang up on her to change her mind.
The child will have his last name. Period. His family lime will be carried on regardless of the first name. So technically the baby is named after him.
Literally
I'm about to have my 3rd child, and while I've been very blessed and grateful to have a husband who has been supportive and helpful, I still can't imagine denying him the right to have a say in naming his own child. If we're married and he's taking care of us, he deserves to have a say in the name.
Also, all names are borrowed and contribute to everyones sense of identity. To me the whole "stealing the kids autonomy" is a load of BS. She sounds mad at her husband.
I also think, from experience, that the rest of the family need to back off and keep their 2 cents about baby names to themselves. That's between the parents to decide. I'm not sticking my nose in an active couples spat, especially about something so sensitive during such a difficult time 😂
Have you ever met a Jr? All they talk about is living up to, or living in their dad’s shadow 😵💫
Here's the thing, Dusty. Sometimes, there IS no compromise. I'm not saying it's right. It's just...true. If there's no compromise, there's no point in having a conversation with the intention of reaching one (unless you just want to go through the motions simply so you can say, "I TRIED to compromise.")
By insisting that the baby be named after him, hubby is technically doing the same thing to his wife as she's doing to him by refusing to comply. Neither of them is truly willing to compromise. Don't give her ALL the credit for this.
Also, if HIS opinion does not matter to her, why on Earth would anyone else's? I went through this with my husband and his family. There was a LOT more going on that nobody besides myself and my husband knew, but I still thought his family had some nerve when they tried to insert themselves into the situation.
I've said it before, I'll say again. I have a family member that got deeply taken advantage of when they were deployed because their father was SR, he was JR, and the dad knew enough obv of all his information to take a LOT of money and use his name and credit while he was deployed. I'd never be okay with a kid being named after their immediate biological or adoptive parent that will be raising them.
NTA. I’m not a fan of “juniors.” The kid will already have dad’s last name.
Chances are the baby is already taking his last name, so it kinda is already being named for him.
It definitely ought to be a compromise, but he's gonna have to let go of the baby being named after him.
That she doesn't want their kid after him will not say he has no say in any other name. Wanting to name your child after yourself is a narcissistic thing to do. You than say that your the most important person in the sons life. And Mum is right 5 min. work from his side doesn't need a lifelong reminder.
NTA. OP doesn't have any say so in naming the child. She is providing support. She understands at least part of her reasoning. To get upset that she isn't forcing her sister is a AH move. This is a problem shoulda stayed within their marriage and dang sure shoulda been discussed the moments they found out about the pregnancy. I think everyone should take their 2 cents out and let them figure it out.
The vehemence with which the sister is declaring that she doesn’t want to name the baby after the husband “after doing all the work” makes me wonder whether the husband IS actually lounging on the couch with Cheetos declaring that baby is going to have his name.
Who names their kid after themselves ? Lack of imagination or a narcissist. ??
Use the parents name as a middle name .
I’m kind of named after my mom, but also not. My mom named me after my great-great grandmother and my great-great-great grandmother (I don’t remember how many greats lol). My middle name is a derivative of my mom’s name (the vowel at the end is different). I never knew who I was named after or why my mom named me the way she did until high school when we were doing a project on names and I had to ask why she named me the way she did. I’ve never felt pressured to live up to a legacy or anything because my name has been in the family for generations.
That said, I understand where the sister is coming from. I think the best way to go about this would be to use the husband’s name as a middle name and choose a different first name.
Edit: I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to name kids after the parents. But as Dusty has said multiple times, it is a two yes, one no situation, and if you do choose to name kids after the parents, the parents shouldn’t place too many expectations on the kid
I'm totally against giving my kid the name of somebody else. But, I'd say it at the beginning of the relationship. Not once pregnant. That's crazy. How did they get married?
NTA. Hoping this is a case of mama gave input on name; hubby and families disregarded her side and kept pushing; and she felt she needed further justifications. Which sound not so good. Life would be so much simpler if people just accepted "No." as a complete sentence. And Reddit would be so boring.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years now and about year 2 or 3 into our relationship we sat down one night together on the couch and discussed more about having kids and decided how many we're wanting to have in the future and what their names will be. We even have their middle names picked out and if any name change was to be made we'd discuss it with each other first. It blows my mind how some couples don't have these important discussions with each other.
I've had this discussion with mine as well and I wish more would do the same.
The dad may not bear the burden & privilege of carrying and delivering a child, he will (or should) have an impactful and critical role in raising a child for the rest of its life.
Id be interested in what culture they're from. In some cases women are honestly just treated as an incubator. The name might be a way for her to reclaim something. Also, op isn't against naming the baby something other than the father's name so it's not like she's against compromise. Regardless, things could and should have been expressed better.
Women absolutely get treated like an incubator, this is why I don’t like when the grandmothers pester women into having babies because they do all of this work just for the family to parade their baby around. It’s almost like a toy for the family until they get tired and don’t want to babysit.
NTA for choosing to support her sister choice to not want to name the kid after her husband. I don't agree with the reasoning, but the not wanting to is fair. I feel bad for the husband, but as a sister, this isn't my decision and I don't have any sakes in this fight, but I wouldn't want to name my kid a Jr either, so yeah I would support that choice for my sister. I would also encourage her to be more fair to her husband and figure out a compromise. Let him name the son, anything but his name, if the real problem is that she just doesn't want to have a them named the same. If at that point, she is still drawing a hard line, then I would probably change my viewpoint. I support the not wanting to make the kid a Jr, I don't support the husband having no say at all if he's doing his part as father and partner.
It is the SISTER of the pregnant lady who is the OP here, right? I think OP/sister is NTA on this. She doesn't have to agree with all of the pregnant sister's reasoning on the question, she just wants to back up her ragingly hormonal sister's stand especially if her sister is being pressured by both sets of would-be grandparents. I'm guessing that the BIL is doing very little to support his wife during what sounds like may be a difficult pregnancy. Could be wrong about BIL, but pregnant sister does sound REALLY angry with her husband and probably has reasons for that. I think family has to backwards-moonwalk out of this discussion all together. Something else is going on here.
I was thinking the same thing about the BIL because of how the sister phrased her second comment of "I am not naming my child after someone who isn't doing anything to help" or something to that effect as I don't remember the exact wording.
@@jenniferalberstein8057 Yeah, I think she said something about all he gets is snacks.
@laurakerschenbaum4079 yeah something like that
If it’s “HER” child he shouldn’t be paying for shit
My input here for a totally different POV. I’m named first name after my mother’s maiden name in a slightly altered way, my middle name is my father’s name. It’s always been a very cool way to honour both families, and I know my parents didn’t disagree, and took it as a team decision.
However, the real reason I post is that my father died over 20yrs ago when I was just out of university. Now I have that link with him forever, and a, happy to carry a middle name that used to be “boring”. Everyone sucks here except the poor kid who no matter their name is coming into a fustercluck of a home.
I understand not wanting to name the baby after her husband, but if she were open to it, they could use Dad’s name as a middle name instead of the 1st name.
There needs to be a category called need more information. Perhaps a riddler emoji or motocon
People who want to name their kids after themselves despite their partner saying noooo waft of narcissistic behaviour. A child isn't a reflection of you they are a person that's a two yes system but she went overboard with the i'm lord and emperor of the baby maybe each come up with names you like and choose from that.
Call that baby Puddin!
Idk, where does this mentality come from. Husband and wife are a team. There are things she can do that he can’t and to weaponize that to her advantage is absolutely grotesque. She doesn’t care about her husband at all and it is very apparent. I know people are saying he is a narcissistic but he’s not. He’s a man that is excited to have a son. He wants to give his son something personal, his name. And she denies him because he’s getting his last name so that’s all. Absolutely controlling and manipulative, the wife is. He should divorce and start a new family elsewhere.
So now we're at the point of thinking men deserve rewards for staying with a pregnant partner? The bar is in hell. As someone who was named after both parents, I can say for certain it's insulting. My parents, and by extension, my grandparents thought I should embody my parents but be a level up from them. Well, what about my actual identity? When one of them was horribly abusive and the other started out controlling (and got better as she realized I wasn't going to be a carbon copy), this left me with so much trauma it's unfair. My grandparents literally said to my face that they just wanted to strangle me. I was 21 at the time and had just been forced to move to another city (for away from everyone I knew) because my dad signed my name on a house, said he would pay for it and then didn't, which put me in a lot of debt that no person can handle at 21. Meanwhile, he was fully aware that I didn't have a job because I was going to school. I ended up having to drop out (the school was actually one of those online scams anyway that my dad talked me into attending and also put me in some serious debt) because I couldn't stay in the house anyway (it was run down and covered in mold - I couldn't even shower; and I was literally starving because I had zero food and my dad wouldn't let me eat anything at his fancy new house) and couldn't really look for a job because I didn't have money to put gas in my car and therefore couldn't go apply for anything. I didn't have anything beyond a ged, so even when I could apply for something, I got rejected because I didn't have an education. My mom took me out to eat and meet with my grandparents and that's when they said they'd like to strangle me.
I told my husband I name whatever comes out of my body and he names whatever comes out of his body
Good plan
@@silentlyjudgingyou
It worked! However, I did give our eldest husband’s name because it made our baby, Paul N_____d M__n IV. He was going to be Wolfgang, but I changed my mind. My dad, as a joke, still called my belly Wolfie. When he was born he was covered in a lot of hair so Wolfie became his nickname. He’s 30 years old and still being called Wolfie
@@shandean8352 Wolfgang is the best name
The reason of letting her child have their own identity was enough reason to say no to naming the baby after dad. The rest is mom being an hormonal beeeotch & lashing out. Odds are she does not enjoy pregnancy. Just a guess.
.
I understand some of what the wife is saying. Specifically the part about naming a child after either parent is in a sense limiting to the kid. However, is attitude that only her view matters is toxic. As for OP when everyone around you is talking compromise and you're encouraging your sister to double down, YTA.
My understanding when it comes to why the father is "allowed" (using her worldview) to name the child is because he both offers care and support before the baby is born and shares in parental duties, support, etc after the baby is born. Otherwise she could just get sperm in a cup and do it all on her own.
I understand that some men really are awful and probably shouldn't have any naming rights to a child they aren't there for, but if her partner is stepping up as a spouse and soon-to-be father, then her argument is quite unfair. I mean, how else is a man supposed to make up for the fact that his biology doesn't allow for pregnancy? It's a no-win scenario when viewed like that and damages a potentially healthy relationship for no good reason.
ETA: Allowed as in allowed to cast a vote or have a say when picking names. Still needs 2 yes'.
Naw it’s really archaic. And I’m with her, that is a physical labor that some women never even survive. There isn’t enough support a man can give to truly be equal to toll of pregnancy. Back in the day they acted like women had to do all of the child rearing and didn’t even go into the room while she was giving birth, but expected and demanded to be paid homage naming the baby after him. After the baby is born sure they can support and do the work . But you are devoting a human to a person that had fun, and 9 months later gets to parade a baby.
@@funnyfoxbird that may be true, but not including fathers in taking part in naming the children (not letting them steamroll naming decisions, mind you) can cause resentment in relationships.
Fair or not, as men do not have an equivalent to pregnancy and birth of equal value, not including men in naming of their children can interfere with their bonding to such children and even bonding with their wives. (Inclusion here meaning a right to cast a vote)
In such situations, women will have to come to an agreement of something of lesser value than pregnancy and birth that men can do. Otherwise, they're perpetually indebted.
In OP's sister's case, she will need to come to terms with her husband or find another partner who will. My personal assumption is the husband in this scenario may have been neglectful of his spousal duties and the child naming was where the line was drawn as a result.
@@razredge07 Men should absolutely be involved in naming. That doesn’t mean we automatically name the child after them. He is just as stubborn as she is except he will only accept one name and she’s open to others. Naming a kid after yourself does mean you are doing any of the heaving lifting and isn’t just lesser value it takes nothing to do. It’s really more of an homage to the husband for, you little really don’t have to be a great dad or husband for someone to be named after you, plus the child will already take his last name.
@@funnyfoxbird agreed. This particular relationship seems unbalanced with a lot of tension. Also, it's quite arrogant to assume a child will be named after you without any input from your partner.
Dang does this lady even like her husband? It sounds like she’s got a lot of pent up resentment that she’s letting loose with this.
I smell trouble in paradise. I'm reminded of the guy crying his pregnant wife wasn't cleaning well enough and the woman who dumped her husband and moved in with her parents because she wasn't getting any help at home with the baby
@@silentlyjudgingyou yeah it’s giving off the same vibes.
💜
Naming a child basically requires two yes votes on the name by the parents. If one parent votes no, try another name. While I don't entirely agree with the sister (her reasons seems somewhat over the top) agreeing with a name is also her right. Given the sister's reaction though, I'm guessing there's some trouble in paradise. I would suggest a compromise of using the husband's name as a middle name, but something more is going on here. Given OP and her sister seem unwilling to make any kind of compromise, it's at least a mild YTA!
Naming a child doesn’t require two yeses, a democratic vote, or a committee meeting. It requires someone to fill out the birth certificate information at the hospital and quickly given to the nurse’s station. Naming rights are what corporations get to do if they’re bid by the city building a stadium accepts the company’s offer. If _you_ choose to name the baby _you_ carried by picking names written on folded pieces of paper drawn from a hat that’s _your_ choice. If _you_ follow the two yeses protocol that is _your_ choice. But until there is a federal law mandating a two yes policy the only person that has the right to name a newborn is the person that birthed the newborn
He's definatly not holding up his end of this relationship
Personally, I completely with sister completely. Naming a child after yourself brings so many legal issues. My had still gets my grandpa’s mail. Also, she’s seems to pick a name together. Her line is just that said name doesn’t connect to her husband’s name
You know what, everyone sucks here. OP really shouldn't be involved here - I get wanting to support sister, but OP really doesn't have a horse in this race and should stay out of it.
Sister's initial logic is valid: wanting the child to have a name that is unique to them, rather than being named after a family member, makes a lot of sense. But to belittle her husband like this, and erasing him from decision making about the baby because he only brings the snacks is just this woman being a martyr. Unless she had a date with a turkey baster, he hasn't done *nothing*. Yup, her body and mind are gonna go through a lot during a pregnancy; hopefully he's doing his part and being supportive. My husband didn't carry or birth our child, but he brought water when I was calling Ralph on the porcelain phone; he came to appointments and looked after my comfort. He supported me emotionally, even on my crazy days. And he was, and is, our child's FATHER - his opinion MATTERED. Sister is setting herself up to have an unsupportive partner during child rearing if she's freezing him out this hard now (I would be petty enough to remind her every time she wanted a decision from me that I don't get votes because I didn't carry/birth. But I'm hella petty).
I'd be curious as to why Dad is so set on having the baby named after him. Is it a family name? And would it really have been the end of the world to compromise and use his name as a middle name? I don't get any of this. We discussed baby names - we used the two yes system, and it needed to be two enthusiastic yeses. My husband's only real request was that we not consider two names that just about every male in his family on both sides has as either a first or middle name, and I was cool with that.
The power trip happening here is WILD!
My husband and I both agreed I name the girls he names the boys.. we had 2 girls and then we got our son. He couldn't decide if he wanted the first name he picked or if he wanted him named after him.. I could tell he really wanted a Jr so I told him when the time comes if he doesn't decide on a name he would be a jr, that was the go ahead he was waiting on. Now 3 years he looks and acts just like his dad, the name fits him well
Do you feel like he had a choice not to be like his dad?
Why not use the first name and a different middle name or just do it the other way? Easy fix.
Good grief. Op and her sister sound like people I would avoid as much as possible.
How is sister in the wrong? Children are individuals and deserve names that aren’t just their parents’.
So every child they have she will name because of all her hard work? She does realize HOW she got pregnant in the first place, correct? 🤷♀️🤦♀️
I think she is against her baby having her husband’s first name!! Not naming the child!
Is it his kid 😂😅? I dont ever understand why the other parents dont want to name thie babies after the babies dad like he has every right to name a kid after him unless if it isnt his kid it is anothers man who would get upset
This whole "I am going through all the pain, so I get to decide" seems it could get toxic. Is she going to use this when it comes to the child rearing? Is he going to have any input on this child's life? OP's sister is acting like pregnancy is a huge inconvenience. I actually loved being pregnant and even though I had to have 2 C-sections that were pretty painful, I would never hold that against my husband. The only time I pulled out that card was when we wanted permanent birth control. I told him since I was cut open twice, I wasn't having another procedure, so he had to get a vasectomy, which he happily did. 🤣😂
Just because you loved pregnancy doesn't mean this woman is having a good time. It sounds like she's being ganged up on and if that's the husbands normal she might not have had a say.
Good grief! What's wrong with being Jr. Wife is somewhat the AH. Husband should help with name. If it weren't for him she wouldn't be pregnant. Just my opinion.