Another important one... TALK ABOUT ALCOHOL! What is your relationship with alcohol? Do you struggle with self control? Have you ever experienced alcoholism in your home, in a parent, family member, or friend? If yes, has this left you with deep wounds? How do you expect me to treat/use alcohol?
mariberry06 Frauding your future spouse before marriage by hiding from him/her any sort of personal cronical illness, disability, infertility that was diagnosed before the marrige or even hiding that you're taking meds that can alterate in any way your personality, your sexuality or affect fertility is a valid canonical reason in Catholic Church to obtain the marriage annulment. Secrets like that can't be kept forever and they totaly blow up the relationship when they get out, even if you're atheist!
SUBSCRIBE! : bit.ly/2rx7crK Follow my IG: instagram.com/emwilss HERE IS THE LIST: How many children do you wish to have? What is your timeline for having children? Have there been any marriages you've witnessed that shape your view of marriage, either positively or negatively? Is being close to extended family important to you? What are your political priorities and hot-button issues that you are passionate about? What are the things your parents did well that you want to replicate in your marriage - and not-so-well that you wish to avoid in your marriage? How do you view the role and parameters of OUR parents in our relationship and with any future children we would have? Do you have debt? How much? Do you have savings? How much? What is your credit score? What are your financial priorities and do you want to have a joint bank account or separate bank accounts? Who do you expect to handle the actual act of paying bills? How much do you foresee it being ok to spend without consulting your spouse? What is your plan for home security? Are you ok with having guns in the house? Do you expect your wife to be a stay at home mom? Would you be ok with me working, even if we have children? How will holidays look with our families? What customs or traditions do you want to include in your marriage/family, especially if these are from childhood? Where do you want to live? Would you ever be okay with moving? What is your relationship with your father like? What do you think about fatherhood and what are your expectations for it? What kind of parent do you hope to be? How are you planning on providing for your family? How are you going to educate your children? i.e. Public vs. private school? What faith do you wish to raise your children in? How do you view NFP? Is it something you are willing to practice forever and always? What are your health/eating habits? Has sexual intimacy been a part of your previous relationships? What do you want to do if we can’t have children? How did your previous relationships end? Have you ever cheated on someone? Have you ever been violent toward a past girlfriend or to anyone in your life? How was conflict handled in your house growing up and what kinds of things would create conflict? In regards to truth or difficult situations - Were things buried? Were things confronted? Were there things or topics that were not talked allowed to be talked about in your house? (This is if his mother is living and a part of his life) If I ever express to you that your mother does something to upset me, crosses boundaries that we set for her, is being overbearing upon me or our potential children, what would you do? How did your parents treat you and your siblings? Was there abuse? How do you like to be supported? Do you use pornography or engage in masturbation? How often? How do you manage your emotions? Are you good at understanding them? Do you suppress them or bottle them up? How will we deal with aging or ill parents? Is there an expectation that they will ever live with us? What are your specific expectations when it comes to household chores and housework, cooking, cleaning, etc? Are you open to going to couples counseling before and/or during marriage, not only to identify problems, but to learn about how we can communicate most fruitfully? What do you expect of a spouse in times of sickness or suffering? What is your view on vacations - would we take them, how often? Describe to me in your own words what it means to have a personal relationship with Christ and how do cultivate your own with Him? When God’s word says to love your wife as Christ loves the Church, please explain what this means to you. What would you do if your child had a disability? What is your love language? What are the expectations for us having friends of the opposite gender? What is your life goal/at the end of your life what do you hope to have accomplished?
Thanks for your video, these are mostly really good questions for any serious relationship. But what are you going to do if your husband changes his mind on any of the questions or ignores your mutual agreements after marriage? What if he even won't listen if you confront him with that?
Fact: women marry men expecting they can change them and they can’t Fact: guys marry their girlfriends expecting them not to change, and they do. Been married for 27 years Fact: view “love” as a choice and you can exercise mercy grace and unconditional love View love as a feeling and you can fall out of love as fast as you fell in.
I agree with this completely. Although I chose the one man that hid his true self til after the marriage. I really wish I had this list before I got married although most of the important questions I did manage to ask he wasn't honest about. He admitted to me years later he essentially told me answers he thought I wanted to hear because if he told me the truth he was afraid I wouldn't marry him. He has abandonment issues and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year, something I'd never even heard of before. I now highly recommend to anyone considering marriage to have you and your partner take a full psychological evaluation test with a psychologist, it's something that may seem extreme or sound callus to others but it could have saved someone like me years of heartache, pain, and confusion.
This is perfect. My boyfriend recently mentioned/confessed to me that he had started thinking seriously about someday getting married (we would fantasize about our wedding day before) and I actually told him that marriage is more than just the proposal and the wedding day. it’s about becoming one for the rest of our life’s. And I actually talked more about financial and having kids. Now I have a clear idea of what else we should talk about next time we have a serious conversation :) thank you Emily love your videos God bless you ♥️
My husband and I lived in separate states while we were dating. We both were very upfront about stuff after our first date. We started a book called 1001 questions before you get engaged. We finished the book in a year and a week after we finished the book my husband asked me to marry him. A lot of the questions you started were in that book. It was amazing and these questions are so important! Thanks for sharing!
Amanda Wilson Did you sometimes feel like there were TOO many questions or it was overwhelming with how many questions there were? (When you were doing it with your husband)
Other questions to ask: 1. How do you expect tasks at home to be divided 2. What are your professional/academic goals and how will that be a priority in your life over other aspects (i.e. the relationship, children, quality time etc.) 3. What will happen if someone can't or won't find a job for a long period of time
I totally thought about this. I got scared while watching this cause I was like whoa I don't even know what exactly I expect or how I would respond. So yes, definitely this is the first thing to do.
Been dating my man for almost two years now, I don't wanna brag, but I feel like we've been over almost everything in this list;) To be honest, we are both in our early 20s but what I've learned is it really doesn't matter your age. It matters how respectful and thoughtful you are towards your partner. We can discuss literally anything and discuss it like we're two best friends just trying to figure out the world. We're on the same team, every day I realize how lucky I am
"Awkward" but necessary conversations. It's surprising how many couples don't talk about stuff like this before marriage. Little things, you can compromise on. But whether or not you want children is a bit of a deal breaker, like you can't meet someone halfway with that. Really good list!
Great questions! And remember if you do ask any of these questions: men often take longer to think and reply than we do so ask your question then - wait. And wait. Don't rephrase. Don't offer multiple choice answers. Just. Wait. And when he gives you his answer believe him. Don't think you can change his mind.
Very good points! Your comment also brings up a good point that if someone says, "I'd like to take some time to think about that question and then get back to you/respond/give you my answer," that is perfectly ok too. These don't need to all be answered immediately if asked because some of them are very sensitive and difficult!
As a guy, I will be completely honest and say that having children freaks the heck out of me. Why? Because I'm scared of having children with disabilities and not knowing how to react or care for said children. Some disabilities scare me and I don't know if I would be able to do a good enough job providing the love that said child deserves. I'm also scared of not doing a good job raising said children. Of failing as a father. I've never mentioned this to anyone. Don't know if anyone else has these fears and if others could share their experiences about something like this.
It really hit me when you mentioned settling because you feel like you won't find anyone else if you leave this one. I'm roughly three weeks post-breakup and just now able to really feel like there's someone better out there for me, even though I've known it all along. It's so hard to have found someone who seemed so close to perfect and have to walk away from that. I know God has someone waiting for me who's truly perfect for me, not just close to it, and watching your videos for years has been a big part of helping me understand that, so thank you!!
The number one question for a first date is are they dating for marriage. Saves so much time. Also, a lot of those serious questions are good first date ones, since again, it weeds out the wasting your time part.
Emily, thank you so very much for this. I am a ‘mature,’ divorced, female. If I had asked my ex husband even a few of these questions, before we were married, likely he would have run away screaming (a good thing) or at least I might have picked up on how very much he was hiding and telling just enough of the truth to appear guiltless. We were of the same faith, which I felt would help smooth out conflict. Because he and I felt very differently about our faith, it caused more of a rift than any healing. As the years passed in our marriage, I found out the answers to most of these questions and each new revelation caused cracks in the relationship to become a chasm. We sought counseling. He felt its sole purpose was to ‘fix’ me. Counseling helped me stop being a doormat and that was the beginning of the end of the marriage.
Thank you for sharing your story - I am so sorry to hear it ended that way but glad you see the value in sharing these questions with young women. Thank you for watching!
Me and my boyfriend recently had a conversation about birth control and we discovered we had different points of views. It is so important to talk about these things! Great video ❤
There were so many questions that I don’t know if this one was mentioned but another question to ask is: What are your expectations in our intimate life?
Exactly what I was thinking! Great question, even if you’re saving sex for marriage I think it would be ignorant to pretend like people don’t already have an idea or at least an opinion about intimacy and what role that will play in their marriage!
100% correct ... Granted, it's a touchy subject for people who are waiting for marriage... But hugely important to be on the same page about that area.
breakingthemasks My husband and I waited until marriage and it was an awkward topic to touch on but once we started talking about it, it became 10x easier and really gave us a perspective on each others views and expectations of sex. 💗
Ladies, these are great questions to ask! However, be prepared to be asked them in return. Some of these are very important to us guys who seek after the Lord, too!
A good question I would ask is do they like to have noise or lights on before or during sleep. Do they like to have a tv in the bedroom. Or music. It's extremely hard on your life if they're like this and you are not. Believe me they are people like this. They leave lights on and the tv all night. Never get involved. Big warning. You'll be tired all the time.
What I learned from the dysfunctional marriage of my parents - topics you should discuss beforehand (in no particular order of importance). Politics, finances, lifestyle, religion, children, physical intimacy, gender equality, house work, physical and mental health, in-laws and extended family. No topic should be taboo and always remember that you are a team, work together. Love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, support and mutual trust must be the pillars of your relationship. Anger, pettiness and jealousy are toxic. Grow together as you age. Be each other's best friend. Never forget your vows, love is not a choice, but marriage is. For better and worse.
This seems soo complicated. Relationships in general. I agree that all of these questions are beyond important. But oh man... so much work to do before marriage. 😅
Hehe, it's not complicated, but it definitely takes a LOT of effort to cultivate a healthy, joyful, communicative marriage! The effort, though, is WORTH IT!! :)
Hey Emily, married for one year and I think I'd still like to discuss some things I've missed that I believe are great and would have helped avoid some arguments along the way, just because it would have helped us understand more, where each of us is coming from. Sometimes, we tend to conveniently think that when a person's values are similar to ours, we should understand each other but we take for granted how they grew up with a different set of parents and how their family worked can be so different to ours and IS actually such a huge impact on how they view/respond to certain things despite the similarities in values and view of life. Thanks for taking the time to make this list :)
Asking many questions seems like a good idea, but what's more important than Q&A session is the couple's capabilities of working things out, building trust, and having faith in each other. Even after 50 questions are answered correctly, and you get married, there will be a new set of troubles in life that is going to affect the marriage, and without knowing how to talk it out in a real sense, the marriage is not going to have any substance. In marriage, questions and answers are not the most appropriate ways to communicate with each other. What matters is where your heart is, and not necessarily where your mind is.
I have been married to my wife for 36 years and am a practicing evangelical Christian. These questions are great. Marriage is until death do us part. I have been close to death once already. I would not have minded being asked these questions.
LizziesAnswers I also love her passion and intensity because I wish more people talked to me like that when mentioning this subject. I don’t have great catholic marriage role models so that might be it but I love how much some Catholics portray the importance and crucialness of being prepared and knowing the big deal this sacrament is. Even for non-believers some of this questions might be crucial and help them avoid suffering to a point they wouldn’t if they get the answers to some questions.
Hi, I really enjoy your videos as a traditional 21-year-old Swedish girl. I just wanted to ask if you could make a video where you actually answer all these questions and explaining them. Maybe a Q&A together with your husband! Your videos are always such an inspiration to me! Thank you for them!
Juli, can I make a suggestion as your 21 y/o and I think this is a good time, assuming you're not married, to ask yourself some questions before you ask "him" any questions. I read this one time from a Youth Pastor who taught teens and I thought it was the best advice ever (wish I had heard it as a teen). Anyway... write down 10 character traits you want in a husband, keep your list and then stick to it. Doesn't mean you can't settle for a guy who has 8 out of 10,, but I'm told when you have a better idea of exactly what you want, we're less likely to settle for less. :)
When my BFF was dating this guy that it appeared to be getting serious,, the 3 of us sat down & I asked him 20 questions. Ok, I was older than most of my friends & was married, most were single, so well guess I wanted to be sure they didn't make the same mistakes :) My first 7 questions were basics, his middle name, parents' names, siblings name/ages. Then I asked him how often he speaks to his parents, what he admires about his Mom & Dad, his fave & worst childhood memory, his most embarrassing humiliating situation he's endured, what character traits is he looking for in a wife, how many children does he want & does he expect to name them after family member? (it's a Greek thing most first born are named after their paternal grandparents with me being the exception) ;) Any special goals for the near future (personal & professional)? What was his fave Bible verse? Asked him to speak of his faith, then asked him if there was anything he wanted to share about himself that I didn't ask. I have to say the question about his most embarrassing humiliating situation was part of revealed what a sweet humble person he was & still is... they married and now have 2 teens.
Unpopular opinion: If you do not know all the answers to these questions through organic conversations and you have to straight up ask them, you probably aren't mature enough to get married. I'm still in the courting phase - not even the dating phase!!!- and I know the answers to all of these questions when it comes to my SO.
It was really nice to realize I actually know answers to many of the questions in my relationship already. And even nicer to see that we still have areas of our lives we need talked through. :) However, I recon with a lot of these one can never be sure about themselves until the time comes (disabled children, ill parents, extended family conflicts etc.) So in the end it's always a question of trust in your partner, and in God. :)
Loved every single question!! Thank you for this video! We did most of these naturally over time while dating. Some also came up through our marriage prep classes and our Engaged Encounter retreat. It was so good to share our different opinions and then so powerful to make decisions together on how we’d handle them as a married couple (ie: bank accounts, aging parents, moving, children and schooling options, etc). Great things to address and discuss with one another especially (if possible) before making a huge, lifelong commitment.
One question that I did not hear was concerning the guy's attitudes on divorce. For me, the *only* two justifications for divorce are adultery and physical abuse. However, I know that not everyone feels that way.
I'm not in a relationship yet but I know this will be very helpful in the future. And it reminds me how much needs to happen before I can actually marry 😅😂 But I understand most questions will come naturally. I'm excited though :)
Really good questions! Some of those should be been talk in marriage prep in my opinion (so many broken marriages because they were not clear in the kids aspect). I think we should know ourselves enough to be clear about what we would expect or need in our marriage. For example I have some health issues and I'm sure I would need some help or asistance in the future, and that would affect my husband (if marriage is my vocation of course). It's kind of hard to talk about those kind of things because marriage by itself it's hard enough, but we have to be honest and be clear about what could happend in the future. Thankfully God knows best 😄
Fireflycolor1 There's no marriage without honesty! I have a friend who's happily married to a tax evador, other 2 female friends with congenital heart issues that are happily married and their health problem is such that they could have a cardiac arrest even from one moment to another! Still, they had kids of their own! True love accepts flaws.
Yep. Mine did. Still married going on 18 years. He still asks me out of the blue questions. I can't get him to travel out the state, meanwhile my military family toured all over Europe. This year for our wedding anniversary, he asked if I wanted to go to Oklahoma, and we live in Louisiana. Sure! 18 years, and he's still asking questions he's never asked before. Guys should asks questions. It helps keep the relationship healthy.
I imagined what it would be like if I had to answer all these questions and that was one intense journey!! I mean I knew all these things mattered but hearing them asked out loud just elevated them to a whole new level. Love it Emily!! Thanks for shaking me up haha
Thank you so much! I'm not in a relationship right now but these are so great to know some good points for talking and knowing what is important to discuss
I appreciate that you note that although you are catholic and some of these are related to your specific faith or religion in general, you realize other women have different beliefs and their souls are all on different paths and openly say they are welcome to skip or modify them. I also appreciate how you don’t give the answers YOU think should be given but acknowledge these topics are important and it’s more important for two people to have the same beliefs then be made to feel like they should have the same stance as you or your partner. I am not on the same religious path as you, but I think your love for god and the sacredness of your marriage and love is beautiful and also respect that you still are a strong, opinionated woman, who strives to help other women and aren’t quick to judge those with different beliefs. People like you make others more open to religion, and faith and more willing to listen, and respect those with your or similar faith, and even decide to accept it into their life or be “saved”, so please keep doing what you do
If someone was unfortunate enough to have abuse in their family growing up, and they didn't have a good example of marriage in their family, do you think that they can still marry and relate to someone who didn't deal with those things? I've thought about this some, because I had to cut off contact with my dad. It's not my fault that he was abusive, and I've done my absolute best to rise above it. A lot of people can't understand because they had good fathers, and they think all dads have that fatherly love burried inside, but they don't all. Cutting off contact with my dad is the healthiest thing I've ever done for myself, but it kind of hurts that some people are turned away by a person with bad family relationships. I do feel like I'd be slower to trust that a guy truly loved me because of this; just being honest... but I'm aware of the ways my dad has effected me, and I focus on growing and learning from my experiences.
Yes I do believe that someone who has been through that can still marry and relate to someone who had a completely different family experience! I have witnessed it with my own eyes with one married couple I know - the wife came from a very broken family and the husband did not. The wife went into her marriage and family deciding that the abuse that had gone on for so many years in her family would not be a part of the one she was creating - and she and her husband cultivated a beautiful family with many loving children. It is possible and beautiful with much communication and effort, but I am grateful for this couple's example!
This seems like a pretty nice list. I like how most of these seem just as good for a man asking a woman he’s dating, not just for a woman asking a man.
If it's your first ever serious relationship, these are very VERY important to discuss. You don't want to find out the answers after you've said "I do/I will". Also, some guys will tell you whatever they think you want to hear, and then you watch their actions as time goes on and realize they've lied or been untruthful.
Love this video! I totally agree that these are important and needed questions to ask. Adding this to my channel under the “marriage” playlist. Thank you!!
Yes! And by that I mean if the answers have raised red flags, that you've communicated your concerns over those red flags, and either party is not willing to compromise or it is a deal-breaker for you. Very important, and yes, very deep!
Wow! Yes! I didn’t have these questions before we got married, but I did know the answers to many of them. So many red flags, everywhere, and yet I married him anyway. For example, I knew that he’d cheated on every single girlfriend he’d ever had before me. For some odd reason, The-Me-Of-20-Years-Ago decided that our relationship was somehow different. One guess what happened. :( Single ladies, please learn from my experience: WALK AWAY if you’re getting red flags.
But the thing is though, you say you should take your time asking these questions but if we wait too long feelings will come and it will be too difficult to walk away. So i think there r questions that need to be asked before the relationship goes any further.
These are issues that make pre-marital counseling a VERY wise choice. Work out these questions with an objective third party professional who can help you weigh their importance. A lot of great questions here to seriously ponder.
If they lie about one thing, such as previously cheating on a partner, you cannot take on board anything else they say. Aaaaand...you won't realize they're lying until you are in the depths of the relationship in the first place. So good luck everyone
Oh how I wish I had asked all of these and heeded the red flags I did encounter on some of these questions. I am divorced after a miserable 9 year marriage and determined not to make the same mistake twice. Thank you, Emily.
Thanks so much for this Emily, very practical as always :) But YIKES at the debt questions! The thought of me and my boyfriend having to pay off his medical school loans and my dental school loans makes me sick ://
My boyfriend and I met at church & we have been going out for over a year. We are still young and in college but have talked about marriage before. I do really want to ask him these questions & some we have already talked about. My question is what happens if we don’t see eye to eye on some of these questions now after we have been together for so long? Are we supposed to throw in the towel because it seems like we won’t have a successful marriage?
Madison Conway my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have talked extensively about our future and still haven’t gotten to every question on this list but most of them and I know there are some that we probably won’t see eye to eye on. No two people are exactly alike. You don’t need to be the same, but these questions help you discuss your differences. Even if you are different, if you can discuss your differences with respect that is huge in learning how to communicate. But I guess what you do depends on what he disagrees on- like say he never wants kids ever and you do. That’s too big of a lifestyle difference. Even if you love each other very much, some issues are too big. So i guess it depends on the issue and how much you care about that issue, and thinking about your future happiness and peace in your household. It’s so hard to make that decision though. It’s hard to know right now what will be challenging in the future
That's definitely a scary thought! It's important to go into it with a commitment to be honest to yourself and each other. Know what you can or cannot compromise on without losing what's most valuable to you. Part of the reason you ask these questions is to find out if you're compatible. The other part is preparing to cooperate and deal with the issues you may not see eye to eye on. Every couple disagrees on something, but if you don't agree on these points, you need to know how important they are to each of you, and have a plan to deal with them once you are married. Be open and honest and loving. Whatever happens will be for the best! Good luck
I'm not married yet but I'm in my mid 30s and engaged. I've learned that there is a big difference between red flags that indicate abuse or other things that aren't acceptable, vs just things that are different than you imagined. For example when I was 20 I thought for sure I'd marry a guy who had been homeschooled like me and lived near me. I'm engaged to a public school guy who lives across the country. I've discovered that we can share the same important goals even with different backgrounds and that the ways we are different make us stronger as a couple. There are things we know will be hard and are open about with each other. That's part of the key, I suspect, that if there is something that will strongly affect your marriage that it's in the open and a topic that is discussed, not something that is being hidden and avoided. Examples of things like this are serious health issues, or things like ADD, OCD, Asperger's, etc that will affect every day life. I think that while it's important to be willing to stick around when it's not your fairytale match, it's also important to know your own limitations. For example, I have serious health issues. If I end up with someone who can't handle that and will become resentful of me, I'd much rather they faced the possibility of being called shallow by dropping me than marrying me out of obligation and then adding more conflict and trouble on top of my health. Hope that helps a little!
Thank you so much for all these really great and helpful questions! And thank you for taking the time to write them down as well! I want to share them with friends and some of them don't speak English. So you saved me the time that I would need to write them down myself and then translating them.
There are also many, many books about this! There are things in my heart that are very important to me, but it's so good to have a list to remind me! Otherwise, I might not remember until too late!
I don't know... why … but my mind went straight to the quick little questionnaire time they do in the Walking Dead when they meet new people... How many walkers have you killed/how many people have you killed, etc. I mean... maybe those questions are necessary in todays dating/engagement game hahaha because if he hesitates when you ask 'how many people have you killed' … that's not a super solid start to a relationship :) lol
Ladies, take heart 💜 in my opinion, Emily (or whoever came up with this question) knows that students have debt. This actually came up in a talk before confession at a retreat I was at this weekend and I raised it with my priest (as I'm a student with a loan lol). He said that's ok and it's totally different to for example, an adult having lots and lots of debt because they were careless with their money. So don't worry! Hope this helps (and just my opinion) x
Ten years married and thank you for this list, even this far down the line for me. I’ve found the friends of opposite sex to be problematic most recently. I feel it’s only appropriate for a married man to have female friends who are “couple friends” and whom your wife and her partner can socialise. It is emotional infidelity for a woman to invest emotionally into another woman’s husband, or for a wife to invest emotionally into another man. To me, it takes away from the bond building of a marriage. My husband thinks it’s merely jealousy though. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he is, but regardless it can sometimes be cause for arguments to occur and neither one of us is willing to back down.
Growing up I’m a Christian home my parents avoided talking about sex like it wasn’t apart of natural life. I feel there is a way to discuss sex openly even in a Christian home. We avoided it like a plague and I feel that some er the right way to go about things. About the talk and maybe it will never happen
wow what a great tool to use when dating someone or looking for a future spouse! Especially the one about his mother, what he would do if she she interfered etc is very, very important. Thanks! This is a great idea and really practical.
So is a relationship a job interview? The only reason why you need a list is because you don’t actually try to take the time to get to know someone before committing to a marriage with them.
Mrs Jacobs some situations just don't happen before your getting really serious. For example everything about children and expectations about life as a family is worth being discussed beforehand
Love these! I probably won't be needing them for a while though! Could you do a video about abortion/birth control and how to defend that aspect of a catholic's life/how to help women to realize life as a gift from God? Kinda complicated way to put it, but basically just a pro life video for women! Love you?
27, 28 & 29!!!! Huge hitter questions. All Q’s are great btw! But I think those 3 questions depending on how they are answered would be the deal breaker/deal maker for me 👍
Most of these questions are actually very good ones. I don't find many of the religious questions useful as both my fiancé and I are atheists, but the questions about the ageing parents, one of us developing a disability or having a disabled child are very good ones.
That's was enlightening. I've always believed in talking about as much as you absolutely can before committing to marriage. True, it isn't everything because situations vary but this is great place to start.
All of these are really good questions! A good portion of them is stuff you can observe while dating. For some of the questions I think it’s hard to give an answer in theory without actually being in that situation. For example my partner and I talked about cheating. In theory I think I would eventually forgive him but in practice that might not be the case.
Why question isn't "do I have courage to stay?" God has taught me in my relationship that it's possible to have amazing relationship even though first there was some "red flags". Life isn't always easy and it's more difficult to some of us. For example my home is very caring and loving, but my boyfriend didn't have that kind of home. Of course that has impacted his life. Everything isn't always ideal - but we love each other and want to be together. I'd like to think that our relationship can be something that can also help us grow to be better. I think that before marriage you really should talk about everything, as Emily said. But if the answers are not "right ones" or what you first wished for, it doesn't automatically mean that "you should have courage to leave".
Yes, I think it's important to differentiate between red flags that indicate possible abuse or other unacceptable behavior vs. flags that mean maybe it's not exactly how you dreamed it would be or maybe some stuff that will be a bit challenging but that you'll be able to get through together.
Before asking these questions, pray for discernment because a dishonest man will tell you everything you want to hear.
Another important one... TALK ABOUT ALCOHOL! What is your relationship with alcohol? Do you struggle with self control? Have you ever experienced alcoholism in your home, in a parent, family member, or friend? If yes, has this left you with deep wounds? How do you expect me to treat/use alcohol?
Very wise question - definitely one to add for sure.
Yessss. and smoking
And also I think it’s important to ask if they ever struggled with mental health issues like depression or anxiety
mariberry06
Frauding your future spouse before marriage by hiding from him/her any sort of personal cronical illness, disability, infertility that was diagnosed before the marrige or even hiding that you're taking meds that can alterate in any way your personality, your sexuality or affect fertility is a valid canonical reason in Catholic Church to obtain the marriage annulment. Secrets like that can't be kept forever and they totaly blow up the relationship when they get out, even if you're atheist!
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HERE IS THE LIST:
How many children do you wish to have?
What is your timeline for having children?
Have there been any marriages you've witnessed that shape your view of marriage, either positively or negatively?
Is being close to extended family important to you?
What are your political priorities and hot-button issues that you are passionate about?
What are the things your parents did well that you want to replicate in your marriage - and not-so-well that you wish to avoid in your marriage?
How do you view the role and parameters of OUR parents in our relationship and with any future children we would have?
Do you have debt? How much? Do you have savings? How much?
What is your credit score?
What are your financial priorities and do you want to have a joint bank account or separate bank accounts?
Who do you expect to handle the actual act of paying bills?
How much do you foresee it being ok to spend without consulting your spouse?
What is your plan for home security? Are you ok with having guns in the house?
Do you expect your wife to be a stay at home mom? Would you be ok with me working, even if we have children?
How will holidays look with our families?
What customs or traditions do you want to include in your marriage/family, especially if these are from childhood?
Where do you want to live?
Would you ever be okay with moving?
What is your relationship with your father like?
What do you think about fatherhood and what are your expectations for it?
What kind of parent do you hope to be?
How are you planning on providing for your family?
How are you going to educate your children? i.e. Public vs. private school?
What faith do you wish to raise your children in?
How do you view NFP? Is it something you are willing to practice forever and always?
What are your health/eating habits?
Has sexual intimacy been a part of your previous relationships?
What do you want to do if we can’t have children?
How did your previous relationships end?
Have you ever cheated on someone?
Have you ever been violent toward a past girlfriend or to anyone in your life?
How was conflict handled in your house growing up and what kinds of things would create conflict?
In regards to truth or difficult situations - Were things buried? Were things confronted?
Were there things or topics that were not talked allowed to be talked about in your house?
(This is if his mother is living and a part of his life) If I ever express to you that your mother does something to upset me, crosses boundaries that we set for her, is being overbearing upon me or our potential children, what would you do?
How did your parents treat you and your siblings? Was there abuse?
How do you like to be supported?
Do you use pornography or engage in masturbation? How often?
How do you manage your emotions? Are you good at understanding them? Do you suppress them or bottle them up?
How will we deal with aging or ill parents? Is there an expectation that they will ever live with us?
What are your specific expectations when it comes to household chores and housework, cooking, cleaning, etc?
Are you open to going to couples counseling before and/or during marriage, not only to identify problems, but to learn about how we can communicate most fruitfully?
What do you expect of a spouse in times of sickness or suffering?
What is your view on vacations - would we take them, how often?
Describe to me in your own words what it means to have a personal relationship with Christ and how do cultivate your own with Him?
When God’s word says to love your wife as Christ loves the Church, please explain what this means to you.
What would you do if your child had a disability?
What is your love language?
What are the expectations for us having friends of the opposite gender?
What is your life goal/at the end of your life what do you hope to have accomplished?
Thanks, Emily☺️ God bless your family and ministry ☺️
Thanks for your video, these are mostly really good questions for any serious relationship.
But what are you going to do if your husband changes his mind on any of the questions or ignores your mutual agreements after marriage? What if he even won't listen if you confront him with that?
Was just about to ask, thanks!
These are great questions Emily!!
Thank you!!!🤗🤗
Fact: women marry men expecting they can change them and they can’t
Fact: guys marry their girlfriends expecting them not to change, and they do.
Been married for 27 years
Fact: view “love” as a choice and you can exercise mercy grace and unconditional love
View love as a feeling and you can fall out of love as fast as you fell in.
You nailed it, Sir. Perfect.
I agree with this completely. Although I chose the one man that hid his true self til after the marriage. I really wish I had this list before I got married although most of the important questions I did manage to ask he wasn't honest about. He admitted to me years later he essentially told me answers he thought I wanted to hear because if he told me the truth he was afraid I wouldn't marry him. He has abandonment issues and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year, something I'd never even heard of before. I now highly recommend to anyone considering marriage to have you and your partner take a full psychological evaluation test with a psychologist, it's something that may seem extreme or sound callus to others but it could have saved someone like me years of heartache, pain, and confusion.
This is perfect. My boyfriend recently mentioned/confessed to me that he had started thinking seriously about someday getting married (we would fantasize about our wedding day before) and I actually told him that marriage is more than just the proposal and the wedding day. it’s about becoming one for the rest of our life’s. And I actually talked more about financial and having kids. Now I have a clear idea of what else we should talk about next time we have a serious conversation :) thank you Emily love your videos God bless you ♥️
My husband and I lived in separate states while we were dating. We both were very upfront about stuff after our first date. We started a book called 1001 questions before you get engaged. We finished the book in a year and a week after we finished the book my husband asked me to marry him. A lot of the questions you started were in that book. It was amazing and these questions are so important! Thanks for sharing!
Amanda Wilson
Did you sometimes feel like there were TOO many questions or it was overwhelming with how many questions there were? (When you were doing it with your husband)
This literally sounds so amazing
this sounds both cheesy and cute and i definitely want to do it with my boyfriend lol
Can you please share where you found the questions?
Other questions to ask:
1. How do you expect tasks at home to be divided
2. What are your professional/academic goals and how will that be a priority in your life over other aspects (i.e. the relationship, children, quality time etc.)
3. What will happen if someone can't or won't find a job for a long period of time
Just realized I need to ask myself these questions! #stepone
Step one - an important step! Yes, so important for each of us to think about OUR answers before we ask someone else!
Hehe step one indeed!
I totally thought about this. I got scared while watching this cause I was like whoa I don't even know what exactly I expect or how I would respond. So yes, definitely this is the first thing to do.
Right, same here!
Been dating my man for almost two years now, I don't wanna brag, but I feel like we've been over almost everything in this list;) To be honest, we are both in our early 20s but what I've learned is it really doesn't matter your age. It matters how respectful and thoughtful you are towards your partner. We can discuss literally anything and discuss it like we're two best friends just trying to figure out the world. We're on the same team, every day I realize how lucky I am
"Awkward" but necessary conversations. It's surprising how many couples don't talk about stuff like this before marriage. Little things, you can compromise on. But whether or not you want children is a bit of a deal breaker, like you can't meet someone halfway with that. Really good list!
Totally agree. Thank you for watching!
Great questions! And remember if you do ask any of these questions: men often take longer to think and reply than we do so ask your question then - wait. And wait. Don't rephrase. Don't offer multiple choice answers. Just. Wait. And when he gives you his answer believe him. Don't think you can change his mind.
Very good points! Your comment also brings up a good point that if someone says, "I'd like to take some time to think about that question and then get back to you/respond/give you my answer," that is perfectly ok too. These don't need to all be answered immediately if asked because some of them are very sensitive and difficult!
As a guy, I will be completely honest and say that having children freaks the heck out of me. Why? Because I'm scared of having children with disabilities and not knowing how to react or care for said children. Some disabilities scare me and I don't know if I would be able to do a good enough job providing the love that said child deserves. I'm also scared of not doing a good job raising said children. Of failing as a father.
I've never mentioned this to anyone. Don't know if anyone else has these fears and if others could share their experiences about something like this.
It really hit me when you mentioned settling because you feel like you won't find anyone else if you leave this one. I'm roughly three weeks post-breakup and just now able to really feel like there's someone better out there for me, even though I've known it all along. It's so hard to have found someone who seemed so close to perfect and have to walk away from that. I know God has someone waiting for me who's truly perfect for me, not just close to it, and watching your videos for years has been a big part of helping me understand that, so thank you!!
The number one question for a first date is are they dating for marriage. Saves so much time. Also, a lot of those serious questions are good first date ones, since again, it weeds out the wasting your time part.
Emily, thank you so very much for this. I am a ‘mature,’ divorced, female. If I had asked my ex husband even a few of these questions, before we were married, likely he would have run away screaming (a good thing) or at least I might have picked up on how very much he was hiding and telling just enough of the truth to appear guiltless. We were of the same faith, which I felt would help smooth out conflict. Because he and I felt very differently about our faith, it caused more of a rift than any healing. As the years passed in our marriage, I found out the answers to most of these questions and each new revelation caused cracks in the relationship to become a chasm. We sought counseling. He felt its sole purpose was to ‘fix’ me. Counseling helped me stop being a doormat and that was the beginning of the end of the marriage.
Thank you for sharing your story - I am so sorry to hear it ended that way but glad you see the value in sharing these questions with young women. Thank you for watching!
I’m Muslim and I’m agreeing with everything here and already married I wished I had asked my husband all these things before 😕
Me and my boyfriend recently had a conversation about birth control and we discovered we had different points of views. It is so important to talk about these things! Great video ❤
There were so many questions that I don’t know if this one was mentioned but another question to ask is:
What are your expectations in our intimate life?
Such an important question!
Exactly what I was thinking! Great question, even if you’re saving sex for marriage I think it would be ignorant to pretend like people don’t already have an idea or at least an opinion about intimacy and what role that will play in their marriage!
Mind blown! Definitely taking notes
100% correct ... Granted, it's a touchy subject for people who are waiting for marriage... But hugely important to be on the same page about that area.
breakingthemasks My husband and I waited until marriage and it was an awkward topic to touch on but once we started talking about it, it became 10x easier and really gave us a perspective on each others views and expectations of sex. 💗
The list begins at 2:05. And I recommend slowing it down to .75 speed, otherwise it's way too fast.
Ladies, these are great questions to ask! However, be prepared to be asked them in return. Some of these are very important to us guys who seek after the Lord, too!
A good question I would ask is do they like to have noise or lights on before or during sleep. Do they like to have a tv in the bedroom. Or music. It's extremely hard on your life if they're like this and you are not. Believe me they are people like this. They leave lights on and the tv all night. Never get involved. Big warning. You'll be tired all the time.
Finally someone uploaded a video with these very helpful questions without chewing on every single one for 2 minutes! 🙌 Thank you!!!
Haha you're welcome! Short and sweet!
What I learned from the dysfunctional marriage of my parents - topics you should discuss beforehand (in no particular order of importance). Politics, finances, lifestyle, religion, children, physical intimacy, gender equality, house work, physical and mental health, in-laws and extended family. No topic should be taboo and always remember that you are a team, work together. Love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, support and mutual trust must be the pillars of your relationship. Anger, pettiness and jealousy are toxic. Grow together as you age. Be each other's best friend. Never forget your vows, love is not a choice, but marriage is. For better and worse.
This seems soo complicated. Relationships in general. I agree that all of these questions are beyond important. But oh man... so much work to do before marriage. 😅
Hehe, it's not complicated, but it definitely takes a LOT of effort to cultivate a healthy, joyful, communicative marriage! The effort, though, is WORTH IT!! :)
Emily Wilson Yes, I agree. 😊
We ended up naturally talking about most of these without purposefully trying to have Q&As.
MissMargaret That's ideal. 😊
Well, you can do the work beforehand, save the heartache. Or, you can wait til later, and face more work and heartache.
Hey Emily, married for one year and I think I'd still like to discuss some things I've missed that I believe are great and would have helped avoid some arguments along the way, just because it would have helped us understand more, where each of us is coming from.
Sometimes, we tend to conveniently think that when a person's values are similar to ours, we should understand each other but we take for granted how they grew up with a different set of parents and how their family worked can be so different to ours and IS actually such a huge impact on how they view/respond to certain things despite the similarities in values and view of life.
Thanks for taking the time to make this list :)
You cannot ask any of these questions and get an honest reply if your husband is dishonest ,manipulative or narcissistic.
Asking many questions seems like a good idea, but what's more important than Q&A session is the couple's capabilities of working things out, building trust, and having faith in each other. Even after 50 questions are answered correctly, and you get married, there will be a new set of troubles in life that is going to affect the marriage, and without knowing how to talk it out in a real sense, the marriage is not going to have any substance. In marriage, questions and answers are not the most appropriate ways to communicate with each other. What matters is where your heart is, and not necessarily where your mind is.
I have been married to my wife for 36 years and am a practicing evangelical Christian. These questions are great. Marriage is until death do us part. I have been close to death once already. I would not have minded being asked these questions.
I LOVE your personality soooo much!!!! The direct and intense way you share these questions is SO fun!!
I love both your personalities so much!
I love ur videos so much Lizzie
LizziesAnswers I also love her passion and intensity because I wish more people talked to me like that when mentioning this subject. I don’t have great catholic marriage role models so that might be it but I love how much some Catholics portray the importance and crucialness of being prepared and knowing the big deal this sacrament is. Even for non-believers some of this questions might be crucial and help them avoid suffering to a point they wouldn’t if they get the answers to some questions.
Hi, I really enjoy your videos as a traditional 21-year-old Swedish girl. I just wanted to ask if you could make a video where you actually answer all these questions and explaining them. Maybe a Q&A together with your husband! Your videos are always such an inspiration to me! Thank you for them!
Juli, can I make a suggestion as your 21 y/o and I think this is a good time, assuming you're not married, to ask yourself some questions before you ask "him" any questions. I read this one time from a Youth Pastor who taught teens and I thought it was the best advice ever (wish I had heard it as a teen). Anyway... write down 10 character traits you want in a husband, keep your list and then stick to it. Doesn't mean you can't settle for a guy who has 8 out of 10,, but I'm told when you have a better idea of exactly what you want, we're less likely to settle for less. :)
When my BFF was dating this guy that it appeared to be getting serious,, the 3 of us sat down & I asked him 20 questions. Ok, I was older than most of my friends & was married, most were single, so well guess I wanted to be sure they didn't make the same mistakes :)
My first 7 questions were basics, his middle name, parents' names, siblings name/ages. Then I asked him how often he speaks to his parents, what he admires about his Mom & Dad, his fave & worst childhood memory, his most embarrassing humiliating situation he's endured, what character traits is he looking for in a wife, how many children does he want & does he expect to name them after family member? (it's a Greek thing most first born are named after their paternal grandparents with me being the exception) ;) Any special goals for the near future (personal & professional)? What was his fave Bible verse? Asked him to speak of his faith, then asked him if there was anything he wanted to share about himself that I didn't ask. I have to say the question about his most embarrassing humiliating situation was part of revealed what a sweet humble person he was & still is... they married and now have 2 teens.
Unpopular opinion: If you do not know all the answers to these questions through organic conversations and you have to straight up ask them, you probably aren't mature enough to get married.
I'm still in the courting phase - not even the dating phase!!!- and I know the answers to all of these questions when it comes to my SO.
It was really nice to realize I actually know answers to many of the questions in my relationship already. And even nicer to see that we still have areas of our lives we need talked through. :)
However, I recon with a lot of these one can never be sure about themselves until the time comes (disabled children, ill parents, extended family conflicts etc.) So in the end it's always a question of trust in your partner, and in God. :)
Loved every single question!! Thank you for this video!
We did most of these naturally over time while dating. Some also came up through our marriage prep classes and our Engaged Encounter retreat. It was so good to share our different opinions and then so powerful to make decisions together on how we’d handle them as a married couple (ie: bank accounts, aging parents, moving, children and schooling options, etc).
Great things to address and discuss with one another especially (if possible) before making a huge, lifelong commitment.
One question that I did not hear was concerning the guy's attitudes on divorce. For me, the *only* two justifications for divorce are adultery and physical abuse. However, I know that not everyone feels that way.
what about mental abuse?
Great list! I'd also add the following question: Are you more career-oriented or family-oriented?
I've been married for close to 40 years. I wish I would have had a discussion including these questions long before our marriage.
perfectpitchtodd Can you talk a little more about this?
I'm not in a relationship yet but I know this will be very helpful in the future. And it reminds me how much needs to happen before I can actually marry 😅😂 But I understand most questions will come naturally. I'm excited though :)
Hey Emily! Is it possible for you to create a pdf or document will all these questions laid out? I’d love to save them for later☺️
Done! Sorry I didn't have it ready when I posted this. Check out the pinned comment I made just now!
Thank you so much!❤️🤗
Emily Wilson Hii Emily, unable to find your pinned comment. Where can I find the list of questions?
@@emwilss where can I find it? There's no pinned comment here :(
Really good questions! Some of those should be been talk in marriage prep in my opinion (so many broken marriages because they were not clear in the kids aspect).
I think we should know ourselves enough to be clear about what we would expect or need in our marriage. For example I have some health issues and I'm sure I would need some help or asistance in the future, and that would affect my husband (if marriage is my vocation of course).
It's kind of hard to talk about those kind of things because marriage by itself it's hard enough, but we have to be honest and be clear about what could happend in the future.
Thankfully God knows best 😄
Fireflycolor1
There's no marriage without honesty! I have a friend who's happily married to a tax evador, other 2 female friends with congenital heart issues that are happily married and their health problem is such that they could have a cardiac arrest even from one moment to another! Still, they had kids of their own! True love accepts flaws.
can men ask these same questions as well?
Yep.
You should!
They most definitely can and SHOULD.
Please do ask these questions so you don’t end up marrying the wrong one
Yep. Mine did. Still married going on 18 years. He still asks me out of the blue questions.
I can't get him to travel out the state, meanwhile my military family toured all over Europe. This year for our wedding anniversary, he asked if I wanted to go to Oklahoma, and we live in Louisiana.
Sure!
18 years, and he's still asking questions he's never asked before.
Guys should asks questions. It helps keep the relationship healthy.
I love this thanks for sharing! Can I add another? On the topic of marriage lasting forever I would ask “how do you feel about divorce?”
Watching this at 16 years old . Omgosh i grow up so quickly literally i was like 14yo yesterday
Oh my gosh Emily, as a 60 year old widow with 5 well developed Christian children, these questions are excellent!
I imagined what it would be like if I had to answer all these questions and that was one intense journey!! I mean I knew all these things mattered but hearing them asked out loud just elevated them to a whole new level. Love it Emily!! Thanks for shaking me up haha
Another important question is: Do you lie, how often and why?
Thank you so much! I'm not in a relationship right now but these are so great to know some good points for talking and knowing what is important to discuss
I appreciate that you note that although you are catholic and some of these are related to your specific faith or religion in general, you realize other women have different beliefs and their souls are all on different paths and openly say they are welcome to skip or modify them. I also appreciate how you don’t give the answers YOU think should be given but acknowledge these topics are important and it’s more important for two people to have the same beliefs then be made to feel like they should have the same stance as you or your partner. I am not on the same religious path as you, but I think your love for god and the sacredness of your marriage and love is beautiful and also respect that you still are a strong, opinionated woman, who strives to help other women and aren’t quick to judge those with different beliefs. People like you make others more open to religion, and faith and more willing to listen, and respect those with your or similar faith, and even decide to accept it into their life or be “saved”, so please keep doing what you do
If someone was unfortunate enough to have abuse in their family growing up, and they didn't have a good example of marriage in their family, do you think that they can still marry and relate to someone who didn't deal with those things? I've thought about this some, because I had to cut off contact with my dad. It's not my fault that he was abusive, and I've done my absolute best to rise above it. A lot of people can't understand because they had good fathers, and they think all dads have that fatherly love burried inside, but they don't all. Cutting off contact with my dad is the healthiest thing I've ever done for myself, but it kind of hurts that some people are turned away by a person with bad family relationships. I do feel like I'd be slower to trust that a guy truly loved me because of this; just being honest... but I'm aware of the ways my dad has effected me, and I focus on growing and learning from my experiences.
Yes I do believe that someone who has been through that can still marry and relate to someone who had a completely different family experience! I have witnessed it with my own eyes with one married couple I know - the wife came from a very broken family and the husband did not. The wife went into her marriage and family deciding that the abuse that had gone on for so many years in her family would not be a part of the one she was creating - and she and her husband cultivated a beautiful family with many loving children. It is possible and beautiful with much communication and effort, but I am grateful for this couple's example!
What is your relationship with God?
Another good question
This seems like a pretty nice list. I like how most of these seem just as good for a man asking a woman he’s dating, not just for a woman asking a man.
If it's your first ever serious relationship, these are very VERY important to discuss. You don't want to find out the answers after you've said "I do/I will". Also, some guys will tell you whatever they think you want to hear, and then you watch their actions as time goes on and realize they've lied or been untruthful.
Engaged and know the answer to all of these. It’s so important to really get to know your partner!
Love this video! I totally agree that these are important and needed questions to ask. Adding this to my channel under the “marriage” playlist. Thank you!!
WOW!!! deep. will you have the courage to walk away?
Yes! And by that I mean if the answers have raised red flags, that you've communicated your concerns over those red flags, and either party is not willing to compromise or it is a deal-breaker for you. Very important, and yes, very deep!
Wow! Yes! I didn’t have these questions before we got married, but I did know the answers to many of them. So many red flags, everywhere, and yet I married him anyway. For example, I knew that he’d cheated on every single girlfriend he’d ever had before me. For some odd reason, The-Me-Of-20-Years-Ago decided that our relationship was somehow different. One guess what happened. :( Single ladies, please learn from my experience: WALK AWAY if you’re getting red flags.
But the thing is though, you say you should take your time asking these questions but if we wait too long feelings will come and it will be too difficult to walk away. So i think there r questions that need to be asked before the relationship goes any further.
@@rovitra I think she just means that certain questions have their seasons
What an eye-opener! These questions were well put together and could save us from A LOT of unnecessary heartbreak. Thank you 💖
This actually opened my eyes up a lot. There are a lot of really important things to know about before tying the knot.
These are issues that make pre-marital counseling a VERY wise choice. Work out these questions with an objective third party professional who can help you weigh their importance. A lot of great questions here to seriously ponder.
This is so awesome!! Not only is this helpful to find out about your person, but also to think about for yourself!
If they lie about one thing, such as previously cheating on a partner, you cannot take on board anything else they say. Aaaaand...you won't realize they're lying until you are in the depths of the relationship in the first place. So good luck everyone
Oh how I wish I had asked all of these and heeded the red flags I did encounter on some of these questions. I am divorced after a miserable 9 year marriage and determined not to make the same mistake twice. Thank you, Emily.
How do you always come out with videos at just the right time for me to hear them? I’ll never know 🤷🏻♀️
Thanks so much for this Emily, very practical as always :) But YIKES at the debt questions! The thought of me and my boyfriend having to pay off his medical school loans and my dental school loans makes me sick ://
M Sheena my boyfriend is in pharmacy school- same deal over here!! Pretty nervous about that debt and affording a wedding
My boyfriend and I met at church & we have been going out for over a year. We are still young and in college but have talked about marriage before. I do really want to ask him these questions & some we have already talked about. My question is what happens if we don’t see eye to eye on some of these questions now after we have been together for so long? Are we supposed to throw in the towel because it seems like we won’t have a successful marriage?
Madison Conway my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have talked extensively about our future and still haven’t gotten to every question on this list but most of them and I know there are some that we probably won’t see eye to eye on. No two people are exactly alike. You don’t need to be the same, but these questions help you discuss your differences. Even if you are different, if you can discuss your differences with respect that is huge in learning how to communicate. But I guess what you do depends on what he disagrees on- like say he never wants kids ever and you do. That’s too big of a lifestyle difference. Even if you love each other very much, some issues are too big. So i guess it depends on the issue and how much you care about that issue, and thinking about your future happiness and peace in your household. It’s so hard to make that decision though. It’s hard to know right now what will be challenging in the future
She addresses it the best at the end of the video. Some aspects you cannot compromise on for the health of your potential marriage.
That's definitely a scary thought! It's important to go into it with a commitment to be honest to yourself and each other. Know what you can or cannot compromise on without losing what's most valuable to you.
Part of the reason you ask these questions is to find out if you're compatible. The other part is preparing to cooperate and deal with the issues you may not see eye to eye on. Every couple disagrees on something, but if you don't agree on these points, you need to know how important they are to each of you, and have a plan to deal with them once you are married. Be open and honest and loving. Whatever happens will be for the best! Good luck
I'm not married yet but I'm in my mid 30s and engaged. I've learned that there is a big difference between red flags that indicate abuse or other things that aren't acceptable, vs just things that are different than you imagined.
For example when I was 20 I thought for sure I'd marry a guy who had been homeschooled like me and lived near me. I'm engaged to a public school guy who lives across the country. I've discovered that we can share the same important goals even with different backgrounds and that the ways we are different make us stronger as a couple.
There are things we know will be hard and are open about with each other. That's part of the key, I suspect, that if there is something that will strongly affect your marriage that it's in the open and a topic that is discussed, not something that is being hidden and avoided. Examples of things like this are serious health issues, or things like ADD, OCD, Asperger's, etc that will affect every day life.
I think that while it's important to be willing to stick around when it's not your fairytale match, it's also important to know your own limitations. For example, I have serious health issues. If I end up with someone who can't handle that and will become resentful of me, I'd much rather they faced the possibility of being called shallow by dropping me than marrying me out of obligation and then adding more conflict and trouble on top of my health.
Hope that helps a little!
Thank you so much for all these really great and helpful questions! And thank you for taking the time to write them down as well! I want to share them with friends and some of them don't speak English. So you saved me the time that I would need to write them down myself and then translating them.
There are also many, many books about this! There are things in my heart that are very important to me, but it's so good to have a list to remind me! Otherwise, I might not remember until too late!
I don't know... why … but my mind went straight to the quick little questionnaire time they do in the Walking Dead when they meet new people... How many walkers have you killed/how many people have you killed, etc. I mean... maybe those questions are necessary in todays dating/engagement game hahaha because if he hesitates when you ask 'how many people have you killed' … that's not a super solid start to a relationship :) lol
You forgot one of the most important, Why do you love me?
Omg the debt one😩😂❤️
Team student loans!!!!
As a college student, that question hit me hard. 😂
As an upcoming vet student (yes! 8 years of college!) that one hit me too haha.
Ladies, take heart 💜 in my opinion, Emily (or whoever came up with this question) knows that students have debt. This actually came up in a talk before confession at a retreat I was at this weekend and I raised it with my priest (as I'm a student with a loan lol). He said that's ok and it's totally different to for example, an adult having lots and lots of debt because they were careless with their money. So don't worry! Hope this helps (and just my opinion) x
@@gracegochnauer7395 As a fellow upcoming vet student I can say vet school ain't cheap man lol Wishing you luck!
This is soooo insightful!!! Couples who take marriage seriously should definitely ask these questions!!
Ten years married and thank you for this list, even this far down the line for me. I’ve found the friends of opposite sex to be problematic most recently. I feel it’s only appropriate for a married man to have female friends who are “couple friends” and whom your wife and her partner can socialise. It is emotional infidelity for a woman to invest emotionally into another woman’s husband, or for a wife to invest emotionally into another man. To me, it takes away from the bond building of a marriage. My husband thinks it’s merely jealousy though. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he is, but regardless it can sometimes be cause for arguments to occur and neither one of us is willing to back down.
I agree. Wives shouldn't have guy friends either, especially not exes!
A huge thank you for encouraging girls to not compromise. God bless you, Emily!
Growing up I’m a Christian home my parents avoided talking about sex like it wasn’t apart of natural life. I feel there is a way to discuss sex openly even in a Christian home. We avoided it like a plague and I feel that some er the right way to go about things. About the talk and maybe it will never happen
wow what a great tool to use when dating someone or looking for a future spouse! Especially the one about his mother, what he would do if she she interfered etc is very, very important. Thanks! This is a great idea and really practical.
Lots of good journal prompts too.
So is a relationship a job interview? The only reason why you need a list is because you don’t actually try to take the time to get to know someone before committing to a marriage with them.
Mrs Jacobs some situations just don't happen before your getting really serious. For example everything about children and expectations about life as a family is worth being discussed beforehand
Mrs Jacobs I agree, all these things came up naturally as we got to know each other, not as a list
“What do you want to do if we can’t have children?”
Me instantly: “Declare & pray that we will in Jesus’ name!”
I love your shirt! Super fun and cute!
It's a dress - even better! I call it my "funfetti" dress :)
Emily Wilson how cool!!!!
Loved this, even though I am not in a relationship yet again, these are important!🙋♀️
Some of these I wouldn't have thought of but they're really important!
Great list! I don’t know my answer to some of these questions and That is something I’m probably going to do now.
Love these! I probably won't be needing them for a while though! Could you do a video about abortion/birth control and how to defend that aspect of a catholic's life/how to help women to realize life as a gift from God? Kinda complicated way to put it, but basically just a pro life video for women! Love you?
I absolute love all these questions!!! Even better than Love Define's list!
27, 28 & 29!!!! Huge hitter questions. All Q’s are great btw! But I think those 3 questions depending on how they are answered would be the deal breaker/deal maker for me 👍
Most of these questions are actually very good ones. I don't find many of the religious questions useful as both my fiancé and I are atheists, but the questions about the ageing parents, one of us developing a disability or having a disabled child are very good ones.
That's was enlightening. I've always believed in talking about as much as you absolutely can before committing to marriage. True, it isn't everything because situations vary but this is great place to start.
All of these are really good questions! A good portion of them is stuff you can observe while dating. For some of the questions I think it’s hard to give an answer in theory without actually being in that situation. For example my partner and I talked about cheating. In theory I think I would eventually forgive him but in practice that might not be the case.
I needed this video. Thank you so much for posting this
I knew all the answers about my hubby before marriage :)
Why question isn't "do I have courage to stay?" God has taught me in my relationship that it's possible to have amazing relationship even though first there was some "red flags". Life isn't always easy and it's more difficult to some of us. For example my home is very caring and loving, but my boyfriend didn't have that kind of home. Of course that has impacted his life. Everything isn't always ideal - but we love each other and want to be together. I'd like to think that our relationship can be something that can also help us grow to be better.
I think that before marriage you really should talk about everything, as Emily said. But if the answers are not "right ones" or what you first wished for, it doesn't automatically mean that "you should have courage to leave".
Yes, I think it's important to differentiate between red flags that indicate possible abuse or other unacceptable behavior vs. flags that mean maybe it's not exactly how you dreamed it would be or maybe some stuff that will be a bit challenging but that you'll be able to get through together.
Love this Emily!! These are really important questions
This is a wonderful, super helpful list Emily!
Can’t wait to watch!! I just wanted to say that I love your sweater haha
I would love it if you talked about where to find modest dresses or maybe a closet tour?
Excellent questions married 20 years ask theses questions before you date ... life is short ... get on this it ...
Emma! You are amazing! Thank you being a inspiration. I needed to hear this. Be blessed for sharing. Much love xx
This is such a great list. As someone who is going to start dating again many years after my divorce, this is excellent advice.
Congrats on 90k 💖
Thank you! Getting closer and closer to 100k - woo!
I'm happy my fiancé and I have talked about all these things. Thanks!
Hi Emily. Do you have this listed somewhere? Great questions and content as always!
This whole list is amazing. Yes, yes, and yes.