Disorganized Attachment 101[ AKA Fearful Avoidance]
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- Do you deeply yearn for love, only to feel desperately fearful of being abandoned or rejected? Do you sabotage your relationships, switching from hot to cold, before it can even get off the ground?
If so, you are going to want to watch this video. Because I am going to explore 3 strengths and weaknesses of individuals with disorganized attachment..what I call a Spice of Lifers...and how it impacts their struggles in relationships.
Today’s video is also in promotion of my attachment 101 courses. Including anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. This promotion has since passed, but you can still learn more through the following links...
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WHAT ATTACHMENT STYLE ARE YOU?
Take the quiz: bit.ly/4LuvStyl...
Website: BrianaMacWilliam.com
Instagram: @BrianaMacWilliam
Disorganized attachment 101:
bit.ly/Spiceof...
Anxious Attachment 101:
bit.ly/OpenHea...
Avoidant Attachment 101:
bit.ly/Rolling...
Secure Attachment 101:
bit.ly/Corners...
Hi Briana, “Spice-of-Lifer” here. I purchased your “Healing Attachment Wounds” course a couple of months ago and worked through the whole thing. I’m not on FB so I can’t join the group, but I just want to tell you that I found your course very helpful in my healing journey. Thank you. I was especially moved by the last meditation (reclaiming the sacred body) - it was like everything in the course before that prepared me to be able to get so much out of that meditation experience. It continues to haunt me in a beautiful way. ❤️
Wow, what a wonderful comment and feedback. Thank you so much for offering your experience. So glad the materials were helpful for you!
That's awesome!
When you realize you’re the toxic one in the relationship but you still want to fix it.
Yup. 💔😐
That's exactly how I use to feel.
You/We aren’t toxic. We just have unhealed wounds. The fact you’ve watched this video shows you are on the right track
Facts! 😂
you're not toxic, if you were toxic you wouldn't want to heal or even take accountability. You have trauma and you get flooded by emotions that wounded parts are carrying or there are other parts that dysregulate the nervous system and feel it is about survival. These vids are helpful but also check out IFS, it is the most helpful therapy I have found for healing trauma and it is so compassionate in recognizing that all these reactions are parts of us that are trying to help us but going about it the wrong way, so it helps neutralize the shame.
“ Do they love me for the mask, do they love me for me, and do you know what? I’m not even really sure what the difference is anyway”
I’ve never heard anyone articulate this same conclusion I’ve come to quite so well before.
Michael Adams thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I’m glad that you found it helpful. 🙏❤️
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment He is just trying to flatter you baby
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment you are gorgeous!
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I'm sure you relate to this very well.
You are the only person to have ever had that thought. Certainly the first. Give yourself another pat on the back, you seem to be very good at that. How could anyone ever love the real you when even you don't even love yourself. Look out Narc hunter on the loose, Lol!
“What is wrong with you that you’re that attracted to me?” is a summary of literally my entire romantic history.
At least persons have been attracted to you, which means that with a bit of work on yourself you have *real* hope at a future relationship even if it may not always feel that way (which I certainly understand!). I’m someone people (especially women) like immensely as a close and trusted best friend but none have ever felt any romantic attraction to me simply because my love is not at all physical in nature (due to trauma that leaves me unable to touch others or experience sexual attraction since I can not attach sexual desire to another human due to fundamentalist religious trauma, so I am effectively functionally asexual). It is painful to make it to 50 and realize that you have never found even one person who would even be interested in a first date (I have never encountered a “yes” when asking out anyone I am romantically attracted to, nor does anyone ask me out, but I do ask on occasion, though not so much these days as it is pretty well a foregone conclusion as to their answer at this point)! Likable but never lovable! What I would give for a world with far, far, less trauma in it as no child deserves to grow up traumatized, abused, or neglected by their fellow humans and institutions. We will always have natural disasters and death, which are still traumatizing to be sure, but we should not have to grow up in fear of our fellow humans and ought to be able to count upon the good nature of others in those times of crisis without real fear of being further victimized. I truly wish you all the very best and hope that you may eventually find a lasting love and joy in this life as I very much understand the nature of your haunting question as it is certainly one that I would ask myself IF there were ever someone who were actually attracted to me as a fellow human with disorganized attachment!
@@ethanpoole3443 ❤️🤗❤️
Oh, man, have I got in trouble for criticizing myself--sometimes viciously-in front of my wife, because it has that implication that she's dumb as a bag of rocks for loving me. I still don't get that she sticks by me, especially after my stroke, but I'm trying at least trying to not verbalize these negative critiques.
This reduced me into tears because it's like I'm finally being heard? Thank you.
Yes exactly
Same
Same here
What’s sad is this describes me to a T, but in relationships I can’t emote, just freeze and completely suppress the neediness and jealousy because I can’t bear it. I keep a cool distance while remaining secretly obsessed. They think I wasn’t as into them when finally they’re over the breakup while I’m ruminating for years.
I feel so sorry for you because that's just so sad.. I hope you're in a better place now?
Yeah this sounds exactly like me. I hope we can heal our attachment wounds and have healthy relationships
Oh my God hahaha why is this me 😂😢
"The greater your conflict, the greater your calling!" I LOVE that line! Thank you 😊 💓
Crying when I heard it😊❤
Every. Single. Word. Hit me in a way I never knew. I took an online test and it said I was the disorganized attachment style, which led me here. I was in tears for almost an hour realizing the child in me was oppressed and felt unloved. Hit me like an avalanche.
Exactly the same for me. Hope you are doing well, best wishes
Please make more videos on disorganized attachment! I’m a spice of life and have struggled SO MUCH in relationships that I fear I will never be happy. Now I’m getting married to a wonderful guy and I’m freaking out!! This video helped me so much! Thank you Briana!
I'm sending you a HUG
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I am glad it helps.
congrats on getting married
This is basicly me in a video. When I meet a posible partner I will send him this link and safe myself a dinner explaining why I am so hard on love lol
This made me cry... We learned about attachment styles in psychology class last month but we didn't really talk about disorganized attachment that much. I saw myself in both anxious and avoidant, but now I realize I'm probably disorganized.
Thank you for watching and for sharing. I am glad it helps.
I am Disorganized Attachment. Everyone names it differently...so fascinating how these videos for us are so long...because we are the most F'd up. Definitely trauma. Whats funny is that I have enough knowledge to know whats going on. But the pain and trauma is so great I cant help but run for the hills. Its like being seated in an automatic car about to crash but there's nothing you can do. You experience the failure of the relationship in slow motion even though intellectually you understand your trauma and can articulate it.
I used to THINK I was Anxious Preoccupied But NOW I see that I am an Empath/Disorganized Attachment Style .. UGH .. You Nailed me to a T!!!
Thank you for watching and for commenting with your experience. Much appreciated.
Samesies
Literally was thinking the same !!!!
"Variety is the spice of life" .... literally my motto for years now. Sheesh.
Yep Spice of Lifer is the most frustrating experience in relationships. Been working on it for 7 years and still running into similar issues.
The observation on the overidentification with helpless creatures and the projection of their own weak parts of themselves onto animals is spot on!
Thank you for sharing your comment. I’m glad it resonates.
This is me all over. It destroys online relationships especially, because their lack of physical presence makes me feel all the more confused.
I have been reading and watching a lot of videos about attachment styles in the last 6-7 months. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out whether I have an anxious or avoidant attachment style. At first it seemed like I had an anxious attachment style but then I read about avoidants and I was like “wow that resonates a lot with me too”. I’ve watched a few videos about disorganized attachment style and it seemed like that was more... me. This video however gives me chill bumps because you’ve perfectly described me in your explanation of the traits of someone with a disorganized attachment style.
From the unresolved trauma, the black and white thinking, the deep empathy and compassion to the opposite in almost numbness in feeling, and being scared of not knowing why someone would love me, wanting closeness and passion and also being completely scared to death of it, not being trusting of anyone... everything.
I feel ALL of that...
There’s one more thing though. I’m curious if anyone else with this attachment style has ever thought of or felt like they’re.... adaptable.
Like if I was to sum up how I see myself and predominantly feel into one word, it would be adaptable.
Jon Jon ha,
Yes...”malleable” is how i have described myself before
Absolutely adaptable. A chameleon. A driven desire to connect with another shaped by self-editing to forge the greatest connection. (I connect this to the mask talk and persona in this video.) This happens the most with others I don’t share values with.
Yes !!
"and being scared of not knowing why someone would love me" - This is what always makes me feel like crying.
I do, Jon. Adaptable, mutable, chameleon!
That video described me to a T. I feel like that in childhood i "attached" to nature. I am so burdened by climate change
I feel so exposed and so seen!!! Nobody has EVER broken down my relationship hangups so accurately before! THANK YOU FOR THIS!
Maya Renee Thank you for watching and for commenting. I am glad the material resonates. 🙏
I feel like you attacked me but didn't let me get hurt, and even helped me heal from the hurt I already had.
Good stuff.
RIP my life. Thank gawd I avoided all relationships before learning this.
As a FA, all I ask for is stability.
If I can't have it in a relationship, then I'm fine being alone ( with my cats in my garden)🐈🐈⬛
Wow, this gave me a lot of clarity. I see myself in so much of this. Craving love but avoiding it is the story of my life. I love that you focus on the strengths as well, I relate to those things so much too. Thank you.
And I love that you call it the Spice of lifer.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I am glad the video was helpful!
This is the most informative video I've watched about the Fearful Avoidant on RUclips so far. I feel like you were a fly on the walls of my most recent relationship that has now come to an end 6 weeks ago. I am going through a lot of pain and confusion, and I've come to realize my ex is probably even more confused than I am as she was the one that ended it. Thank you for this.
Michael Toscano Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
Really great content. I feel like you’re describing my bf. For a while I thought he was a narcissist but he has so much compassion and empathy at times, it didn’t add up. Disorganized fits his behavior patterns much better. I’m anxiously attached. I realised that what we have in common is a tremendous fear of vulnerability and intimacy as well as an intense longing for it. We love each other but navigating a relationship is so difficult.
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. Much appreciated and well wishes on your journey.
he might have bpd
@@TheOne-lo4lz That's so interesting. I've recently come to the same thought. Unfortunately it took two very dramatic weeks to come to this conclusion. Fingers crossed that now that I know what it is, it's something I cam work with.
@@TheOne-lo4lz at first I thought that as well. Even thought I had codependent narcissism. But cluster B is too extreme for Disorganised. Some traits are present but just having allot of empathy crushes that theory. But I come to believe that attachment stiles are root cause of all disorders. These are my 2 cents on the topic
never quite feeling like you fit in anywhere, that is me
Thank you for saying something good about me.
when she said intense... thats how people describe me lol
I experience high anxiety and panic attacks whenever theres a possibility of emotional closeness. I feel I'm trying to be this perfect person ( in order to be loved) end up doubting other persons feelings and waiting for shoe to drop.
I also try so hard to get attention of unavailable men, get almost high on desperately trying to win them over even though I don't feel I'm good enough.
I'm an arborist and I get that guy so much. But instead of running I started a tree preservation company and an urban farm. I realized watching this that maybe there's more 'disorganized' hope for us all than we realize. Thanks for helping me along on my healing path with your videos.
I was a groundsman that left to drive too lol
Wow, Briana, your perspective is so unique and refreshing. I love that you do not villainize nor victimize a person when discussing attachment styles. I appreciate your emphasis on judgment and the impact it has on ourselves and the way we perceive others. Thanks so much for your videos, they’re very helpful and insightful ♥️!
Em J thank you for watching and for sharing your feedback. I’m glad that you have enjoyed the content. Much appreciated! ❤️🙌
Can you please make a video about spice of lifers who attract other spice of lifers?
Holy shit this explains so much.
You're a very skilled clinician. I'm a lmhc who's disorganized in style. I don't even remember this is grad school- attachment yes, disorganized not. Thanks for this
while i relate a LOT to open heart, i can tell spice of life is the undercurrent of my journey. i can even feel my mind dismissing a lot of this (not being able to remember examples, even of being called out), but a nagging sense that they’re true. paradoxically, i sometimes have self-awareness over these tendencies and don’t feel compelled to act them out even if they frequently come up! thanks so much for this, briana. patterns are bridges to healing.
It's quite scary how spot on this is to me 😔 I'm currently self sabotaging my relationship with a rolling stone because of all of the reasons you stated. This video couldn't have come sooner, hopefully it's not too late because I'm 43 and so far have not been able to stop myself from repeating this behaviour 😥
I’ve never been big into psychology, always kind of taking the “everyone is unique with different thoughts and emotions” kind of thought process. But I’m in complete shock how perfectly this is describing me. It’s been awhile since my mouth has been this wide open. Wow
Spot on... The single biggest challenge in my life.
I feel what you said in the end is really what soul evolution on our human journey is all about. When someone chooses not to or is incapable of fully living an authentic life which they know is their truth and joy that it can make someone else want to live that kind of life fully. It's kinda sad that a closed heart is able to allow another to keep their heart open but they themselves cannot open their heart to one who shows them an open heart
THANK YOU! I feel like the skies opened to let the light in after a lifetime of cloudy weather. I just started looking into attachment styles and this is 100% me. I never knew why I did the things I did, or believed what I did. I appreciate you and your videos so very much.
Thank you so much... at the age of 48, after secluding myself quite entirely from close relationships for about 13 years now, after trying all i could (also therapy) with no distinct success- i'm starting to understand what the issue was all along.
What you, and others, share- is helping me allot with that process. Having insight isn't a "magic pill"- but helps none the less.
I'm considering taking your course...
Lilach Lavy thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. Much appreciated.🙏❤️
Has your therapist ruled out borderline personality disorder?
wow. this hit really close to home. helped me feel less alone, thank you
Interestingly enough I think I actually switched from being anxious preoccupied to disorganized when I was in a relationship with someone who had disorganized attachment
OH Briana....Your words have helped me sooo much! As a still vivid liver of life in my 60's, survivor of childhood sexual abuse by father, a loving mom who rescued me in my teens, immediately, when I finally revealed, I had mostly transcended the shame & guilt by my mid 30's. I've been successful in life, in businiess, in advocating for kids who endured similar & in the building of many lifelong deep friendships which have filled "most" of my needs for deep connection. But my yearning for a deeper connection in love, other than 1 that lasted a mostly satisfying15 years before it's slow death, has been a roller coaster. After a lifetime of trying to figure it out & much study/video watching of Attatchment styles, this video appeared with the ONLY descriptions that truly fit! Your vast articulate info & statement about approachining our qualities from a strength based attitude gave me an , onthe verge of crying, sense of comfort & relief & hope that I can move further onward. How can I thank you for that? Wow, girl 😌
This is too real. I'm feeling seen and slightly triggered. Thank you for this!
Thank you so much for your video. I've never liked the terminology (in my native Finnish they even call this chaotic..) - I love what you're doing with it!
Childhood trauma (domestic violence & neglect) caused me struggling with relationship all my life. Gradually working towards secure attachment- it's totally doable even from a multilayer trauma point of view such as myself.
I am determined to stop the violence. I was shocked to see my own reaction towards my dog in a stressful situation couple years ago (despite years of psychotherapy). That's when I knew I needed to do really work on it. I did an EMDR session with my therapist- that has helped me A LOT. My life has been steadier after that. Dating is still a struggle but small improvements; no more brain fog or dissonance at it's highest form.
Thank you for posting this video it has helped me understand myself more. I believe I am a spice of lifer. I am currently still healing from unresolved trauma from my past and my depression has gotten worse. I am now looking for therapy to help cope with my issues and I have been single for a long time because I struggle with something I call a push pull effect. I want a relationship but at the same time I don't I am wishy washy. I'm hoping one day to change this behavior. I know some people like to judge avoidants but you do not truly understand unless you have been in their shoes
Tami Moroz Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your experience.
I really appreciate that you don't villanize Fearful attachment; I've frequently felt put off by therapy because of the attitude that "you're broken and need to be fixed". It makes me feel even more isolated...and like I'm just a product and not a human being.
ugh it’s not even three minutes in and i’m already crying ✋✋✋✋😭😭😭
dont cry, youre special :)
The soul purpose transmission you offered in the last minute... Just wow!
The whole "Extention of Self" explanation, that was extremely helpful!
Good info! I wish more videos were as engaging as yours, Briana. Luckily I’m in therapy, but my therapist isn’t quick to put labels on me. I suppose that is a good thing because she helps me to discover who I am on my own. She’s the support I never had. I’m finally learning how to accept myself and gain clarity of the family dynamics in which I was raised. And who woulda thunk that not every single horrible thing that happens in this world ISN’T MY FAULT?!?!
While I’m just beginning to learn about attachment styles, it seems as though the disorganized personalities tend to have endured childhood trauma; which makes perfect sense, in my case. I wish there was more in depth videos about the types of trauma and other vulnerabilities one would have endured to become a “disorganized” personality. I guess I just want something more specific I can relate to. Then again, it ain’t called “disorganized” for nothing!
Jesus you actually read me like a book. I thought I was avoidant but Im definitely this one. I thought I was avoidant right up until a relationship was on the table, turns out I had just repressed my feelings
But yeah youre really just spelling out my whole life here, even the creativitt part. Its kinda all I have so Ive thrown myself 100% into it. I would rather sit in my room making music or designing something than see my friends 6/7 days of the week
I have a secure attachment style. My boyfriend has disorganized and it's really hard. He's broken up with me too many times to count but he always comes back. This video was really helpful to me in understanding what he's going through. I really want to help and make him feel better. I love him so much but I never know what I'm going to get.
Any advice for how to support your disorganized partner when they are withdrawing? …besides giving them lots of space and time, of course.
So grateful for you and this video especially. It really is amazing how so many of us feel so validated watching this. To me it’s a relief but at the same time I feel overpowered by this attachment style. I’ve been in therapy for 5 years some times twice a week. My therapist is amazing. I believe she saved my life. She’s all about the inner child work. I have worked so hard. I’m getting there it’s the overwhelming feeling of, am I really going to truly get past the part where I deserve love?! I can’t get away from this relationship. At times I can’t believe how obsessed I can be. I really believe he is disorganized as well. So my question is, can both parties be strongly disorganized? And could that be more complicated and harder for both to cut the cord. I can’t count how many times I’ve tried. I ended up blocking him for 6 months. I tried dating. So did he. One day I got weak and unblocked him. Here we go again and again. It’s like we’re torturing ourselves. I’m so tired. I wish he would just find a serious relationship so I can move on and do some real healing. 😞 but in the end it’s not about him.
Wow the information is timeless here. You can tell she is incredibly passionate about helping people achieve a higher potential. Relationships are so crucial to success and wellbeing.
When I’m with a group of people I feel like connecting with them but then when my words come out I feel like sometimes they aren’t enough and so I go back into my shell and sometimes I ask myself “ am I the one being judgmental or are they judging me?” And it’s a constant internal conflict. I have had a ex tell me that I just need to stop beating myself up. It’s hard. This video, though, has been very helpful. Thank you.
I had to chuckle as my almost relationship was with a DA and once he ghosted me I drew my conclusion he was a narcissist and it's probably the farthest thing from the truth. I do hate that when I have feelings for someone I can't think objectively about anything about the other person's intentions
Everyone has an attachment style, so it’s possible that person is a narcissist and has a DA style. But ghosting alone can’t determine whether someone is a narcissist.
same!!
Great, I am so like this. I can't maintain a long term romantic relationship :( I so badly want to fix it I hate being toxic. It's weird, outside of dating, I'm a pretty chill person, sad I turn into a crazy monster
I just don't understand hurting someone you love. Had to go no contact with my family for scapegoating me, we all have a breaking point. At least your aware, my family is in denial.
This is it. I am a different crazy person when it comes to a relationship and I fall for them.
The way you discuss spice-of-lifers has been so healing for me. Thank you!
What an accurate description. I thought im a mean person or thought I was narcissist and my soul refuses to be that because im extremely compassionate and care about not hurting but im understanding better whats been happening all these years. Im so tired of these emotions want to feel safe, secure and stable with a life partner.
Met a person and after 3 weeks of great relationship he backoff and told needed space and get used of being with me in a relationship and I started to learn about type of attachments. And now I identify myself as a anxious and some avoidant. Nothing very extrem, but have a litle bit of each depending on the exchange of the other side. I am not jealous at all, but when the person pulls a litle bit I need to reasure the love by fear of abandonement but at the same time I really enjoy being alone and have difficult to express my feelings and needs. Would like more materiel for " lighter" fearful attachment style 😂.
Word for word the entire thing… I’ve never been able to explain how I feel. And when I tell people how I feel like this sometimes it almost seems like they think I’m making it up. This is scary accurate. Even the mask part.. how I’m feeling right now. I learned social skills and got a good physique in the gym to hide my insecurities I know realize, but now I get lots of positive attention. But deep down exactly how u said it I almost distrust their affection because it’s not really me. It’s the new me? The mask? and recently after my last relationship since then I’ve been with many women and feel literally nothing inside anymore with them. It scares me kinda. Trying to learn how to fix all this.
My god,I've tought I was alone and crazy
17:55
I've never heard this talked about before but I've felt it a lot.
Finally! 🤦🏻♀️ I needed someone to explain me…to me. Thank you 😊
You get me! I sooo needed that! 🤗
I have never felt so seen or so well described... ever, until this video found me!!!
Hi Briana. Jade here from Cape Town South Africa. I found your video really helpful in understanding my self in Relationship ( Rolling stoner) and my younger sister ( Spice of Lifer). I was 2 when my Mom left us ( left not died) and my sister was 6 months old. I had to a 'big' girl and be strong and brave for my sister and the adults rewarded me for that...my sister was neglected and the abandonment hit her harder ( unresolved parenting right there). Both these styles have taken a real toll on our lives as adults but also brought many strengths. On the road to healing as I understand more.
Jade Khoury Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your story. I’m glad you find the content helpful. ❤️🙏
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thank you! I will continue to watch and learn :) It's a revelation to see how this has been dominating the way I relate to people and in Dating. Also seeing past 'failed' relationships in a whole new light.
After quizzes and research, I finally figured out I have a disorganized attachment style to male caretakers.
When I was a baby, I got a lot of love from my parents but as soon as I was 5, my father got distant, aggressive and had highs and lows. I never knew how to attach to any man later. I was afraid of any signs of aggression (mostly not toward me), even started imagining scenarios where my partner would be aggressive even when they never were (I was lucky enough to meet men who are soft spoken and sweet but I self manipulate the relationship). I realized I trust women and I trust man in friendships, especially gay men. But I never connect to hetero men and detach myself.
Oh wow for years I thought I was anxious, looks like I'm more disorganized... This makes so much sense, thank you...
I have a disorganized attachment style I think and when you say that our partners had to leave cause we pushed them in the corner to leave, does that mean that we are the main issue in the relationship? does their attachment style and their part not matter because disorganized people are just worse? i feel resistant to this because I feel like basically my partner just did what they did to because i forced them to. didn't they have a choice? is it mainly my fault? Brianna thank you for so much knowledge and wisdom. It has helped me cope with my attachment style better.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. This is a good and layered question. I will tackle it in a subsequent video.
Wow this video is me to a T 😅 I was just thinking I'm tired of people calling me too intense. I'm hoping i can heal from this but it's obviously a process ❤
Thank you, Briana.
We need more people like you on this planet to bring awareness because so many of us go through relationships in our lives unaware of other peoples emotions and feelings or thoughts.
Thank you so much for your comment! It means a lot to me that my video had an impact on you. I believe that bringing awareness to emotional intelligence in relationships is crucial, and I'm grateful for your support.
Omg!! Vilification!! Not that explained it! I didn’t think he was doing it on purpose.. and the hot&cold! Highly Charismatic yet always hyper vigilant!
Thank you so much for this! There's this girl i really like/love and this explains alot of the misunderstandings between me and her at times. Like i genuinely love her for her (not the mask), tbh at the even the vet beginning when i first met her i found her mask personality to be a HUGE turn off 😂. If she had kept that up with me feelings would've died completely, but every once in a while aspects of her "true self" would slip through and i became immediately fascinated with the inner beauty i saw and at the very least wanted to see what was there
And i think that definitely led to us getting closer and i can sense she has feelings for me but like... I sense she's scared of both the feelings and of herself in a way. That part i understand
But it's just in getting to know her more, some of the world views clash when when i speak to others it's not there at all. But I'm glad this is here because it's showing me that i think the way i see things is literally a completely different perspective than what she's used to for both herself and on life
Teaching me how to communicate better with her and to be patient
Thank you ❤️☀️😊
😂I’m a Dance Movement Psychotherapist with a fearful-avoidant attachment. oh boy it makes sense. very creative.
😞I’m so tired of the layers. Everytime I think hey I’ve got this I try another relationship just to get hurt and boom another trauma response I didn’t know I had. 😔I just want to be able to feel safe and loved. And love and be able to be safe for someone else 😢 I literally experienced so much of this recently and the amount of hurt I caused them and myself. 😢I truly just don’t want to deal with anymore relationships, my heart can’t take anymore.
This really helps me understand my wife more. You described her to a T. How does someone like me who grew up in a stable, loving, and secure environment love someone like this with compassion? How can I be a better communicator and not trigger her?
You might benefit from watching these videos. Thank you for watching and for commenting....
LIVE Q&A: 4 Steps to Effective Communication
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Live Q&A: Asking For What You Need [Anxious Attachment]
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Awwww, thats so cute u care about her😭🌻
Let her express herself, and VALIDATE VALIDATE VALIDATE. My husband invalidated me alot over the years . I have healed myself but my recovery could have began many years ago. Lots of love too. You got this. I wish my husband cared enough to learn this, so good for you dear one.
This is the best description of disorganized attachment I’ve ever heard! Thank you for sharing!
All this time I assumed I was an open heart or had anxious attachments. But what you’re saying here resonates even more.
Thank you for this! I was so excited to see your ad during a random video I was watching, been listening to you for a while. I’m trying to see if your course makes sense for me, based on where I am in life right now. Thank you for your great content on this channel! 🤗
"That wasn't why I said that. Not even close. I wasn't sure how to feel about that because I'd fallen in love with you and now feel the need to question all my choices and figure out how to reign in a whole lot of feelings I'd let out into the wild. What I'm not sure how to feel is worrying which will slip back in first, the excitement of having sampled the pure bliss of momentary unbridled love again, or the bitter taste of coupled happiness that always seems to taunt me just beyond my fingertips."
Everything in the first 10 minutes of this video was every bit me. This made so much sense to me on a whole different level. Thank you for this, I am going to bring this up at my next therapy session 🙏
I’m recognize so much of myself in these descriptions that I cringed a little watching but also felt seen by the trauma response comment. I was a parentified child with one anxious and one avoidantly attached parent. Recently I have been feeling like I was more anxiously attached but I think that’s because I have chosen emotionally unavailable men which makes me feel more reaction and use activating strategies but recently I’ve struggled with more avoidant tendencies like criticizing my partner in my head or feel this intense urge to break up and run away from intimacy. I so deeply want to belong and feel connection and intimacy. I’m working on shifting my deep seated fears and negative beliefs and am hopeful I can move towards secure feelings one day.
That video made me cry
for gratitude to understand better but also for reasons of realization.
Thank you so much
The comment sections of the disorganised attachment style feel like home when I am down like literally an AA meeting
I've done a lot of work on myself b/c of what I could figure out what needed to heal to be safe from what I would draw to me; but professionals, like yourself only talk about the found "disorganized attachment" & their state, but not what it looks like when someone is more healed from it; b/c healed rules to keep self healthy, can also look like charismatic masks & how do we tell the difference, and check, balance, space, when getting to know someone, if they have real red flags. Many that have learned to heal, like I have, can get frightened and become dangerous, like I've attracted. Speaking from what I had to recover from a sociopath that knew how to strip me down to my basic worst to survive, but oblivious that that was him until I was gone and took years to heal from ptsd. I'm not the only one out there that heals enough to meet others either healed more like me, or faking it. I also have autism, so that's a why I wanted a healing description of this and how it is different. I am in many groups, for trauma, co-dependency help, and peer specialist training to know more ways to filter myself. I have help to get healthier, but what about the danger that can mimic. I don't know if you check this anymore, but maybe I at least put to words what some come here to figure out, and can ask their own therapist too. Sometimes it is a matter of having the words. Thank you.
I mean, I've learned to love when a relationship gets "boring" to what an unhealthy person would feel, but does it mean I can never drop boundaries (and if they are unhealthy, would they "hide" that they don't like it "boring" and will hide their dissatisfaction until it blows)? I mean it seems realistic, to never drop a healthy boundary. So, if I want to "drop" a boundary, it may be a clue of unhelathy and go get professional advice?
Briana, thank you for sharing this information. I have recently begun probing into attachment styles and I identify as Disorganised. Not only were you a fly on the wall of my psyche and relationships, some of the things were so close that I have to come back to this messaging with notes......mostly, I feel so sad for my childhood self. As someone who cant pin point (remember) any severe points of trauma in my childhood, I am calling in healing for the parts of me that I cant get to. I will look into your offering more closely. The video was in some ways triggering but I am so grateful that you have articulated and given evidence to support my being at this time. Thank you!
So on point! I can really relate and after taking your quiz I came out as being a Spicer. I was interested in purchasing your coarse but 2 things stopped me. #1) that timer on the bottom of the page that threatens you that you only have 28 mins to make up your mind to purchase this coarse.... and the minutes are doing a countdown!!! Wow, it bugged the living life out of me. Feels so manipulating and dishonest. People are clicking on to your site because they feel they can trust you know what your talking about cause we relate. But your site feels like a trap...!
#2) the coarse is way to expensive! $200 for a digital download for doing work on yourself? Like I said, feels like the focus is big on getting people to relate and then trapping them cause they need help in a manipulative way. Wish your site and prices reflected more support for this community, like Thais work.
Thank you for this. I finally found my truth. ❤
I had no idea what was wrong with me. Thank you
Kristi Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
I take all the attachment quizzes but I keep getting anxious attachment when I so highly resonate with being fearful avoidant…
😢 this video reduced me to tears. I feel so validated
I’m 29 yr old man and honestly this brought tears to my eyes. Every relationship I’ve had where I extremely liked the person has ended in disaster. Me being too clingy, accusing of cheating and not trusting them at all. Jealousy being crazy. Unknown caller texts and message when they try and leave me. I’m not a bad person but I’m a different person in a relationship when it’s not going how I want it to. I don’t know what else to do. I’m scare away every girl. I’m not sure what to do.
Get a dog
@@CitiesOfAsh how will that help lol
It helped me immensely. Dogs are an ongoing source of consistent unconditional love. Bonds with animals are healing for folks who have attachment wounds.
Wow, your spice of lifer example is very similar to the one in my life. There are some strong themes.
I have been binge watching a few of your 101 videos and I am grateful for your ability to finally help me get past A) feeling judged and boxed by these classifications ("it's really a spectrum") and B) start to gain some value as to what repeatedly goes wrong in my relationships. I still don't know if I'm all dismissive avoidant, but the anxiety and feelings of insecurity is the common thread. The critical parent thing is such an amazing validation to hear. That that had more of an impact than I could have ever given credit to without hearing your teachings. Your ability to not only navigate this relationship science but speak it in such a cohesive way, like it's own language, has me in awe. A lot still goes over my head but I at least feel I can keep coming to your videos and learn more and more - hopefully finding the keys to unlocking my side of the dysfunctional dynamic. Breaking the cycle and having a lasting loving relationship that's free of the burdens of trauma. Relationships have been such a huge source of pain leading up to this point. Now maybe there's hope that a relationship can be a lasting source of healing and vitality.
I thought I was anxiously attached but this video is making me rethink that. I resonated with almost everything presented.
Oh Brianna God bless you, you have such compassion. Finally seeing a video about FAs that truly sees us, tears came rolling down my eyes at every stage of this video, never ever have I seen someone who speaks so highly of FAs and yes I agree about being polarizing I even remember a week ago when a colleague asked me if I enjoy antagonizing people, I was crashed because to me it felt like attack, anyway long story short this video has made me feel so much relief
Watching this, while feeling validated in many ways, I also feel like my attachment style is the most potentially criminal and dangerous of them all. Words like gaslighting, abusive, paranoid, malicious intent… While I get it, I also feel more ashamed and want to hide. I have been working through a lot of childhood trauma and have made great strides in healing. Can these more malevolent shadow sides reveal themselves during moments of weakness or if one enters into a triggering relationship, even after doing the hard work to heal? Are disorganized attachment styles doomed to be evil? My first reaction is to hate myself right now and wish I did not have this attachment style.. 😞
I felt exactly the same as you watching this and doing research on disorganised attachment! It scares me to death!!
No girls please don't be afraid of yourselves!! I bet you are wonderful people, otherwise you wouldn't be here watching this and working on yourselves!!
@ExpressYoSelf Thank you! I'm definitely not a bad person but I do want to get better at being in relationships! Thank you for your encouragement 💕
I feel this Jennifer....and we are all worthy of love and healing. It is scary to be unworthy and conditionally loved, but we can heal. I wish you your healing.
i feel a lot of this on such a deep level, i feel that i used to be so charismatic but my mental health has been deteriorating so bad i feel like i’ve lost a major sense of it and lost the energy to put effort into that charismatic mask as well :(
You have some good points, but,, personally, I think all attachment issues are trauma based. I really like your positive and hopeful viewpoint though. It's healing and hopeful.