Your parents aren't bad, they are autistic (growing up with undiagnosed autistic parents)
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- Опубликовано: 11 июл 2024
- Realize your parents aren't bad, they are autistic. Understanding their neurodivergence can bring healing and understanding to your family dynamic.
In this video, we explore how #autism and #adhd in parents can impact family dynamics. We'll offer tips for understanding their perspective, building stronger connections, and celebrating the unique strengths that neurodiversity brings to the table. #AutismAcceptance #Parenting #FamilyLife
It's important to add that it is possible for your parents to be autistic *and* bad or abusive. One does not negate the other.
Thanks @paulinejulien9191 for raising that important point.
Dealing with the same!
And that being autistic does not mean abuse or neglect it ok. It means they can then take accountability for their behaviour , now that they have more information. Learn how to manage their impact , and interactions so It’s not harming people they love. Ijs. And I say this as a just finding out myself audhd parent in recent last couple years … the second I realized what could be at play in a parenting context I immediately felt responsible to understsnd what could have been negatively impactful and to learn how and what , then try my best to heal those things and also change how to work with how I function , open up certain communication with my now young adult child and so on. Don’t lets these parents hide behind conditions and labels as if that means actual abuse and neglect or harm to ur emotional psychological or mental well being is somehow to be tolerated. NO.
@@NeurodivergentMom yes this!!
@@LelaBria taking accountability and having remorse is the key to healing from the parents side.
@@NeurodivergentMom amen!🙏🏽
Just adding a quick comment to say it’s also possible for your parents to be autistic *and* bad /abusive 👍 one doesn’t necessarily exclude the other, and be careful not to excuse abuse by saying ‘they were just autistic’. Not saying that’s what you implied in this video or that’s the case for your parents, I just wanted to share this little disclaimer because I’m in the situation of having an undiagnosed autistic dad who is also abusive and who isn’t in my life anymore, and it’s important not to confuse the two 😊
That’s a very important distinction. You’re right and I know many situations in which an autistic parent was physically and or emotionally abusive. I’ll put that in a comment and pin it. Thanks again for bringing this up.
Indeed, one can be autistic AND antisocial or alcoholic or be clueless about children and human interactions. It's helpful to be able to work out what is what.
Thank you for saying this! My father is diagnosed OCD and Tourette’s (although I believe that’s a misdiagnosis as his tics look more like Stims) and he was also abusive. Disabled people can be abusive or wonderful or everything in between because we are just people.
So yes thank you for the nuance in this!
Absolutely. Also, just because as adults we realize “Hey, my parent was/is neurodivergent, like me, and maybe even my kid(s)!”, doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt or deprive us as children who needed things and couldn’t get them on our own. My mother, for example, may not be able to help never thinking anything is “enough” and always assuming the worst that could possibly happen will, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t make it terribly difficult to grow up as her child, never being “enough” or permitted to take “risks”. 🫤
My parents being ND has explained a lot however they were still abusive. I'm autistic myself and I would never do the things my parents did, and I doubt I would do them even when I was undiagnosed. I understand how autism affected the way they treated me and understood things, but I have given my parents many chances and tried to talk to them about the abuse, but nothing ever comes of it except from aggression and denial. I have tried to help them understand autism and when my mother realised she was autistic she got better in a lot of ways, but she still went on to break my boundaries and then ultimately my trust regardless of how many times I confronted her about it. She parentified me, so I have spent a lot of time being her therapist, and I don't want to do that anymore.
My dad was diagnosed with autism at 48 after going to rehab four times. He was self medicating with extreme alcohol use. Once they figured out he was actually autistic and he got help he never drank again!
Similar for me to with adhd. It amazes and horrifies me as I wonder how many are suffering with addictions and mental illnesses and not realizing they have a treatable condition
I am 48 and am just realizing I probably have Autism and ADHD. I have struggled with alcohol since I was an adolescent. The times I have been able to not drink were when I had someone in my life who helped me keep my life organized, and it was someone I also felt a neurodivergent resonance with.
I want to emphasize how helpful a small explanation can be so that a kids understands why things are happening and doesn’t fill in the gaps with their own self shame.
“I want to play but I’m too tired” or “I want to _____ but I have a headache” or “I need to rest, do you want to take a nap with me?”
I am a very late autism diagnosed mother. My daughter is 30 and recently diagnosed with autism too. But we both had opposite coping strategies for stress. Now imagine how hard it was for both of us, while she was in school. Today, we love each other so much and there are no other people they understand us, as we understand each other. We also have the same humor, what is wonderful. That helps a lot.
#15 Oversharing. Telling absolute strangers intimate details about their children out loud and loudly. Absolutely horrifying.
How did I miss that!!! 🤣 this happened to me countless times. Or having to sit there when my dad overshred everything. Including his personal business 😣
My mom tells alot of her life and even me included.
@@NeurodivergentMom "including his personal business"
Yes. The many things we really don't need to know. 😄
Even if a parent is blunt that doesn't excuse the reason for some VERY damaging things said. Adults learn to apologize (just like they demand of their children) and own up and take responsibility regardless if they are ND or NT.
Agreed, a lot of this “not bad just autistic” rhetoric sounds like excusing to me. Maybe you were autistic and, though you couldn’t help it, your symptoms lead you to do things that were damaging to your child’s experience. That still happened and they still suffered.
*”Autism doesn’t count as a mental illness. It's a developmental condition that shapes how you see the world and how you connect with others.”* Adults (especially parents) they have npd and aspd if they don’t like to apologize and don’t take responsibility.
This is the difference between intentional and unintentional abuse. A parent who is intentionally abusive doesn’t care, so they won’t take responsibility, be remorseful, or validate the abuse. Both would experience shame, but the one will shift blame while the other will self hate.
@@Cat-it9kk I do not think ASD is a mental illness at all. It's a neurodevelopmental condition for sure..
Yet even if ASD they have the responsibility to find proper healthy communication techniques.
As for the latter two, I most definitely agree! I would know well, unfortunately.
@@autumnjacaranda106 Agreed and a responsible adult acknowledges that and apologize for the things that did that were harmful.
More than one thing can be true at the same time. I can hold space for them and their undiagnosed and untreated neurodivergence, while holding them accountable for the pain they have caused me.
They are good people AND awful parents.
Even if the four of us had no clue about the family neurotype, they were the adults, implying we don't share responsibilities. Children shouldn't be asked to be more "understanding" after they have been hurt. Neglect is a form of abuse, even if it's unintentional.
What a compassionate, inspiring video. For the parents who struggle and go down a negative spiral because of it, this is so supportive and helpful in the learned helplessness and hopelessness.
Thank you.
I was diagnosed audhd last year at 59. I was tangled with my mother all my life, confusion, dis belief , resentment, sadness, great emotional pain and anger. I am free now as I now know she was autistic.
I Have Autism type 2, ADHD type 2 , OCD, Hypersensitivity, Rejection sensitivity Dysphoria, Dyspraxia & Dyscalculia. I have 4 children. This video is fantastic and so true. It gives me an understanding to how my father was towards me as I believe he also is Autistic. I have sent it to all my children as it will help them understand. Thank you ❤
I’m a neurodivergent married to a neurodivergent with probably neurodivergent parents. Please please remember that even if an explanation might help our children understand us-it is never their job to take responsibility for US or to take leadership in healing the wounds between us. That is 100% always the parents’ job. While they may certainly lend us some help, it is on US. We do not require our children to adapt to us or fix us. We find ways to do better and not create a burden in their lives. If there are any ways we can’t, that does not mean we expect them to fill in the gaps. We take responsibility and take the pains to put up boundaries to protect them. US. Our parents should have done that for us, but even if they didn’t-it’s for us to break the cycle. We don’t keep passing this shit down.
Break the cycle. That’s the most important thing and through healing and boundaries it can be done.
So well put, thank you for this comment!
I love my children so much! I'm a hypersensitive autistic mom, I don't like being touched. I can hug if I initiate it, and because I'm not liking being touched I just always ask first "can I hug you?" I try really hard not to come off as cold.
I have misphonia, too, and don't like to be near others eating. I used to take the batteries out of noisy toys that talk and play music.
I have my own "love language" and I try to make up for anything else I'm not great at doing with them. I cook them their favorite foods, I make them cool things, I can draw them coloring pages and take requests, and we love to sing together. I hope I've created warm memories in those ways.
19:32 I'm glad you have found peace about your childhood.
I don't want to ruin your perception, but if I can share my experience, it might give another useful perspective.
I have ADHD, my husband has autism (neither of us realized that we were ND until long after our three children were born)
My ADHD doesn't seem to show up much for parenting, except for the chaos of forgetting things until the last minute. I think the "sound sensitivity" and "don't care much about social norms" apply to me. The kids are not so well groomed as some. I have a lot of checklists, and as soon as the kids are able to take over a task, I am delighted and will let them do it. So, that means that if my 7yo has sneakers and a fluffy pink skirt with green jogging shorts and an orange hoodie, my reaction won't be "go change, that's not acceptable" it will be "great, you're dressed!" I only interfere if it's weather inappropriate, and even then it's more "I think you might get hot later, please get a t-shirt and take it along just in case"
I feel like my "meltdowns " aren't as lacking in control as autistic meltdowns. I'm able to control my words, so even if I'm yelling, I'm going to say "I can't handle making this food, my brain is scrambled! Don't talk to me now, I can't listen! Actually, please go somewhere else" and I realize I'm hurting them so I add "because I am going to start talking to you and distract myself. Stop being interesting, get out of here!"
I have the kids as my top priority, and I don't let my ADHD harm them. I work very hard to make sure it doesn't. So many alarms, so many lists, and so many appointments. (Because you know they're also ND, with us as parents!)
My husband does most of your list. All of our fun or social or enriching activities have to be planned and executed by me. (He'll often help a little, but with "I am not the one who wanted this, why are you dragging me into it?" attitude. Even when he does participate, it's very much "I'm doing my duty, I will endure" which casts a cloud over what could have been a fun occasion)
I can't stand it, how much he is damaging the children😢. It's not okay to ignore them, neglect them, make them feel like they're too loud, too incompetent, too inconvenient. It's just not. Even though he's not cruel on purpose, I'm so tired from constantly being vigilant to protect them from this hurtful behaviour. A reason is not the same as an excuse.
He shouldn't have gotten married and had children if he hates being around people. Of course, he didn't know ahead of time how overwhelming he would find it. It's just heartbreaking.
Finding peace with the situation is a lifelong process... I'm not 100% there yet but working at it.
It's not fair... also to us that we have neurodivergent kids because that makes our experience as moms completely different from others.
And an autistic partner... I mean, I wonder what it was like for my mom to have my dad as her husband. They separated when I was 3. Maybe my life was better because I was separated from him. IDK...
It is not fair. You are right. I ask myself though whether I could have chosen differently... at some level I know I chose (like my soul chose) to be born to my parents with their neurodivergence and everything.
I don't know whether this helps you to read this...
Often we did not know ourselves. Same for my husband. And it goes for many neurotypical men as well. They did not want to be husbands or fathers.
This really describes my dynamic with my kids' dad. We're divorced now, and that's something that I had to come to terms with, but now that we've all gotten used to the new way of being, I can see that he's actually a much better parent living alone. When I was around, he blamed everything on me, or anything that he did, he saw it as him having to do it because I had already failed to do it. I wish we could've been happy as a whole family, but I'm glad that the kids are getting a better experience of their dad than they had in the first half of their childhoods.
@@emilybelzer5773 That must come as such a relief!
@@NeurodivergentMom That's true, I guess we are getting a different "mom" experience with neurodivergent kids. I hadn't really thought of it in that way.
It's true that I spent a LOT more time finding solutions for loud public washrooms than some parents! (the horror of self-flushing toilets and roaring air hand dryers, lol!)
My youngest is my only autistic one, and also the only one who didn't need a warning about my turning on the vacuum cleaner or blender. Which is 🤔 interesting, because sound sensitivity is associated with autism online. The other two have ADHD but not autism. (My guess. Only the oldest has an official diagnosis. I find my autistic child harder to parent than my ADHD children, because I have to learn her by trial and error, instead of just following my instincts. For example, leaving her alone when she's upset instead of hugging her tightly. That was a really hard one for me to learn. It's still hard. It feels like I'm abandoning her, so I just have to keep repeating to myself "this is how she prefers it" and we connect after she's calm.)
I disagree with the idea that babies pick their parents. Parents are given a good gift and tremendous responsibility, the baby has no responsibility for which family they get.
Im an AuOCD mom diagnosed at 35. My son was 1.5 at the time. Im so happy I got diagnosed early in his life because it helps me balance my overstimulation and meltdowns with my husbands support. I understand my triggers now and the phases to meltdowns
I am a diagnosed auADHD Bipolar mom. I have absolutely put the baby in a safe bassinet, locked the two year old in a safe Montessori style bedroom, and locked myself away from five to fifteen minutes in a separate room to calm down after a meltdown. It seems cruel from the out side. Sometimes my toddler and baby have screamed and cried the whole time.
but if more adults removed themselves from the situation when they feel anger we’d have less abuse. Know your limits. Listen to your body.
And apologize when things cool down.
Good job. Better you take a break and they cry for 10 minutes than something worse. Get a good snack or meal going and regroup.
I'm struggling with this right now. I'm also Autistic and ADHD and suspect both of my parents are as well, but I'm still feeling extremely hurt by some of the choices they made, like using corporal punishment and actually verbally abusing me, because that had a lasting impact on my life that I'm still dealing with. They are neurodivergent, yes, but they also lack the emotional maturity to hold themselves accountable and do some genuine repair on their side which is what hurts me the most. It does help me give them some grace, and I don't see them as evil or whatever, but I don't really trust them.
I love how much understanding this leads to so much healing. Especially when u can finally give yourself the grace and love u never could before
We made the simple decision with my wife to just miss the whole kids part. We are both ND and I had the experience you shared with my father during my childhood (I believe he is the one who set me up for life with this shit. Unfortunately in Bulgaria there is no way to diagnose so...). I am his exact copy in terms of ND traits, plus I have a massive need for special interrests, since I cannot practice them for more than 10 hours a day (I have to go to work and make the bread). I just don't want to make someone who had no choice in coming up to this world miserable, I've been miserable enough.
I know that my dad is probably on the spectrum, he loves music, has his own music room where he always goes to when in stress and where he always goes to before he goes to bed, it's his special interest. He also has been rather flat in emotions and tends to like spending time alone with his wife rather than going to parties or big events. He also often feels distant when he is doing something, everytime I try to talk to him, he usually has a hard time responding. He and me, we can be quite similar in that sense. But he is usually very generous and nice and I never felt like he was abusive or bad. It was actually the other (likely narcissist) parent who traumatized me, not him. In fact, my dad is one of the few people in my life who gave me slack or understands me in some way, even when most others just seemed to attack or criticize me for things I never understood.
I think successful autistic parenting comes down to whether the child felt loved or not. Many autistic traits lead to emotional negligence, in terms of what children need. Some autistic parents are warm and actively loving enough in other ways, that the negligent stuff doesn't matter so much. Others, like my mom, are just emotionally distant across the board (she may be very loving inside her heart, but she's unable to communicate it) and that's very damaging to kids. It also depends on the fit with how the parent expresses love and what kinds of love and attention the kid needs. Some kids can do okay with a non-cuddly parent who expresses love in other ways, other kids really need the physical affection. Unfortunately, neurodivergent kids are probably less flexible than NT kids in terms of what they need for emotional and nervous system regulation from their parents in order to feel safe and loved.
This sounds like my Dad explaining his Dad.
This video isn't as helpful as I had hoped ... but it isn't your fault! I have been wondering whether my Dad was autistic for some time now. I suspect he was, but I cannot talk with him because he passed away a few years ago, and had a stroke a few years before (which forced him into early retirement). I think the *biggest* problem is that I have known I'm autistic for a few months now, my brother has known *he* is autistic for a couple of years now, and I can't help but wonder about another sibling or three. I *cannot* help but wonder if it's so difficult to tell because being autistic is our "normal" -- and we don't really notice how different we are compared to the outside world!
At this point, I have even wondered if it's generational -- that my grandparents and great-grandparents, some of whom may have been autistic with autistic parents and children, just naturally adopted tactics (some helpful, some toxic) for dealing with some of the effects of autism -- and since some of them were farmers, it may have been easier to make use of autistic traits back then. (Ah, "simpler" times -- at the very least, times that didn't give you much time to think or worry about differences, because there were too many chores needing to be done, and a nice routine to make sure they get done!)
With regards to a few of the points -- the one where parents might not want to be touched, or hyperfocused, or overstimulated, etc -- I cannot help but wonder if the "refrigerator mom" theory on the cause of autism was the direct result of the likelihood of a parent being autistic themselves -- what's worse, I can easily imagine an autistic parent who "clams up" when talking to a stranger, thus seeming even *more* refrigerator-like than they really are! -- and thus mixing up cause and effect!
If someone reading this is the Autistic person who blows up with swears and insults at others on a regular basis, don’t become a parent until/unless you can either learn to walk away before getting to that point or not direct it at another person. Yelling in general isn’t preferred, but calling a child stupid and worthless and cursing and swearing at them or at someone else in their presence is traumatizing. If you are already a parent like this, find someone who can help you either recognize when you need to walk away or a way to direct it at objects instead of people.
I wish I’d known I was autistic before I had children. I feel like I would have been a better parent if I’d known & been able to make needed accommodations for myself
I have said this to myself dozens of times. There are some mistakes I’ve made that I wish I had known better and not made. I wish I had known my sons autism sooner so I could understand him better and my own so I could react less emotionally when he had triggered me. At least we know now and can ask for forgiveness for past mistakes and do better going forward. And lessen the stigma around autism!!! So that more doctors are willing to diagnose earlier.
Yes turns out my mother is most likely autistic. It explains a lot of my past experiences.
Awareness is so helpful. I wish she was aware and could see her behaviour or reactions through this lense too. Maybe some day.
Thank you for sharing this information
All of this is actually harmful, as you admit at times in the video. Just because they have a good reason for hurtful behavior, including neglect, doesn't make it less harmful. Autistic parents can and should learn ways to meet their needs without harming their children. "Just being autistic" is not an excuse for saying anything that is on your mind at any moment, however hurtful it might be, and especially if they don't validate the child's feelings of being hurt by it and apologize. You sound like you are enabling them in some ways. Children don't owe their autistic parents more consideration than they were given as kids.
You have no idea. Replies like yours is actually harmful. No way would an Autistic individual do what you are suggesting or using a better word accusing. We suffer prejudice, discrimination & stigma all the time. Your perception of this brilliant video is wrong.
@@paulasandfordangel45 hello! Autistic people can do all kinds of things because there are all kinds of us! I’m sorry their reply hurt you though and it is true. I am autistic, my parents are undiagnosed with some neurodivergency, and they were also abusive and neglectful to me. I’m sorry you’ve suffered with your stigmas on you as a parent, but please don’t invalidate other harmed autistic children with unbelief that an autistic parent could be abusive.
@@cwonderland6259 I agree it is a bit ableist to think that an autistic person (diagnosed or undiagnosed) cannot be abusive or harmful to their children.
But, I do understand how undiagnosed autistic parents who do not neglect or abuse their children can still pass on generational trauma, the trauma of being undiagnosed or masking or lacking support. And that is not their fault at all!
Undiagnosed autism or ADHD + childhood trauma often results in personality disorders like narcisstic personality disorder, ASPD or borderline etc. Neurodiverse people are often traumatized in some way. Neurodiverse people have a higher change to get personality disorders. Even people who had good childhoods.
I have autism, ADHD and PTSD.
I think my mom has autism and NPD and my dad ADHD and ASPD.
I often think that going nocontact was the wrong choice and that they are just neurodiverse. But I gave them lots of changes and they were still abusive. I blame myself and my feelings about it changes everyday.. that's the PTSD talking.
So don't let your parents in again if they are abusive, and you think their undiagnosed neurodiversity is to blame.
Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter why it happens.
Being abusive is a choice.
Just wanted to say this for the PTSD people here, who think they have to forgive their parents, because maybe they struggle with the same things you struggle with. You don't have to.
This is a bit scary... I had a suspicion my dad was asd and mom adhd, now you list these things I really think they were - and I unfortunately also recognize these traits in raising my own child (she was almost an adult before I got my AuDHD diagnosis)
I definitely believe my father has ADHD. My mother always supported me emotionally, but my father felt distant. But, of course, there are also generational and cultural factors. As a Chinese American, both my parents were heavily influenced by Chinese culture. With my father, he seemed to be unfocused a lot, often forgetful, didn’t complete most of his personal projects, and was a hoarder. I know my mother would have fights with him on just about anything. They loved each other, but my father had a difficult time telling her how he felt. My mother was the most supportive as I had difficulty with making friends, understanding what to say in specific situations, holding me when I had nightmares or had meltdowns. I was also very sensitive to criticism, and my father would criticize me with everything. I think a lot of neurodivergent adults have at least one neurodivergent parent.
I totally agree... "Estimates suggest somewhere between a 5% and a 20% chance of having an autistic child if a parent is autistic [NIH, Cleveland Clinic]." So working backwards, a neurodivergent person has a 20% chance of having a neurodivergent parent. Personally I think that statistic is more like 50% or even more.
I think it sounds more like he might have been autistic, not ADHD
@@kellyherrin He has no problems socially. He can communicate well and read body language, unlike me. He maintains eye contact. I have never seen meltdowns or shutdowns. He has no sensory overload issues.
Oh ok. The reason I theorized that, is that autistic people and those with ADHD both tend to have problems with executive functioning, so those signs don't help differentiate the two, but you mentioned your father was emotionally distant and reserved, and people I've known (including my own father) who have ADHD tend to be very emotionally open, and often physically demonstrable.
@@kellyherrin I see. He’s very open with people who are not his family.
Thank you for confirming what I have been thinking about my family situation when I was a child. I'm not a parent my self, so I don' t have that perspective. One thing I have been thinking about: my mother often decided what other family members needed based what she needed herself, having a hard time imagining that other people might have different needs/preferences. I think this might also be part of (undiagnosed) autism, do you or anyone else, recognize this?
this is my mother EXACTLY. She still does this to me
I definitely feel this with my parents and me as a parent, but my parents were definitely shitty and abusive people. Although it was great when I realized all this looking back over and over again, I still won't excuse their behaviour. I accept my childhood and don't expect anything from them in adulthood.
You can also do all the re-regulating actions while telling your kids that I need a time out, or I need some quiet time or I need some space to think about what you asked me so they don't feel abandoned as well. Communication is key including with your kids and letting them know that you just need some time for xyz and do it before you're about to meltdown, so it's not a scary thing for them. When I'm out of patience, I'll say, if you want mommy to be in a better mood, I just need a few minutes to myself, for example. My kids know I need my space at times and I need time to think through their requests, but I'll always get back to them and they know that and I love them regardless.
Also, earplugs are your friend or even AirPods in your ears, but not listening to anything to dampen the world around you.
As an autistic parent who was parented by autistic parents, they can also be both autistic and bad. Sometimes good parenting inherently necessitates putting one's children's needs before one's own comfort and wishes, and if 'not being bothered to care about what others think' includes not caring about what one's own children think about their own needs and bodies then that is bad parenting regardless of neurotype
Very good!
Thanks!
Being autistic is not an excuse for bad parenting. If they are autistic and can't take care of themselves properly, let alone another being, then they shouldn't have kids. If you want kids but you would be bad and dismissive, then go to therapy first.
It's not an excuse for the present or future, but it can ease the pain looking back at the past.
Therapy isn’t going to make a neurodivergent parent stop having shutdowns, etc. You can’t therapy autism or ADHD or whatever away.
@er6730 That's exactly my sentiment behind making this video. "It's not an excuse for the present or future, but it can ease the pain looking back at the past."
@WhyRUclipsWhy I agree that it's def not an excuse. The same applies to me. bc I've made mistakes too and continue to make them when I have meltdowns or get triggered by my kids. But it helps to come to forgiveness quicker to have this attitude. Otherwise the self-punishment can get extreme. Autistic people (incl.me) can self harm when they are in a state of self-pity and self-punishment. That's traumatizing for a child to witness. Better to have grace and forgiveness than pass on the trauma, generation to generation.
@@dm2836 It can help with stategising if you have self awareness and this probably also presupposes an average to above average IQ.
I'm pretty sure my parents are neurodivergent and that I am too. Getting assessed soon. I understand some of their behavior better now but I also do many things differently with my own kids, not wanting to repeat the violence and emotional neglect I experienced.
I am not diagnosed, but kinda sure I am on the spectrum. One reason I don't want kids is the fact I feel overwhelmed easily and wouldn't want to deal with the other parents and kids and also they are so sticky all the time and loud.....and lots of things you sad 😢😅
Yep, yep, yep and yep… dang my parent is so autistic!
Re: tactile sensitivity- I believe with my parent it also stemmed a lot from them as a kid not receiving physical affection from their (single) mother and therefore just never “learning” cuddling etc.
This is all true. However, it's a reason not an excuse for not being there for their children. I am 66 years old and was diagnosed as autistic level 2 when I was 64 years old. A parent can be both autistic and a bad parent. Both my parents were autistic. I am certain about one of them and almost sure of the other, but they were at least neurodivergent with something else going on. We need to remember abuse is abuse regardless of the neuro type.
My mother was intolerant of my autistic traits and was physically and emotionally very abusive. I live with complex trauma because of this and other traumas. My father was not violent or abusive, but he allowed my mother to behave this way, and did not put a stop to it so he was a bad parent because they knew it was wrong and did not try to protect me from it.
I didn’t want to have children because I knew I wasn't cut out for it. I had high anxiety, social anxiety and was living with complex trauma which isn't good parent material. I'm glad I didn't have them because I was an undiagnosed autisitc who had enough trouble taking care of myself. I was a trained nurse and really good with children but that doesn't equal being a parent nor is it the same, thus not an indication I would be a good parent.
I do think parents that are both autistic need support and help to be parents. I know couples where one is neurotypical and they do most of the heavy lifting. I wonder how many would have had children if they had known they were autistic. Please note that I am not saying autistic people should not have children, I am saying it isn’t that simple, and many need support they are not getting so the children will reap the consequences of this, and will likely grow up with trauma.
I feel conflicted about this whole topic. On the one hand, I appreciate how challenging it is to be a neurodivergent person in a world that isn't set up for autistic people to thrive. On the other hand, we can recognize that human infants and children require certain things in order to thrive themselves. And these things can be very very incompatible (needs of ND folks vs universal developmental needs of all infants and children).
I think that primacy needs to be given to the universal needs of children. They need caregivers who are well-regulated so that they can help teach the infant/child how to regulate themselves.
Children need caregivers who are emotionally attuned and can help them understand their experiences (ie soothing them and giving a framework to understand what is happening in their world. Like when a toddler hears a loud noise and goes running to the safety of the caregiver - they need a caregiver who is regulated, who can physically soothe them, and give words to their experience - 'oh you are feeling scared. You heard a loud noise and it scared you. It's okay, I'm here with you now. You're going to be okay.') This isn't just a "nice to have" of childhood. Skills like this are essential for a healthy nervous system and psyche of a developing child.
Switching gears quickly, reading subtleties, emotional attunement, reading social cues, being flexible etc etc are not well-known strengths of ND folks. But the absence of attuned, well-regulated, responsive, flexible, proactive caregivers is harmful to children. Survivable, yes. But no advice book for how to raise children would ever suggest implementing the 14 behaviors outlined in the video. Because it's harmful to children's development.
And blithely dismissing that impact on children as "it's just autism" is a real disservice, in my view. Substitute "alcoholic" for "autistic" and the minimization of the impact becomes apparent.
I'm not sure what the answer is. One thought is that we would all benefit from a move away from living as nuclear families to living in larger groups, where we could share responsibilities for managing households and raising children...hopefully the people most skilled and interested in raising children could have the greatest impact.
Speaking as a an autistic adult and a former autistic child who was raised by nuerotypical parents, I can say with confidence it isn't as simple as "autistic parents bad" (I know that's an oversimplification if your comment, but bear with me). There is a level of mutual misunderstanding between autsitic people and nuerotypical people. Based on conversations I've had in the past, there seems to be some level of shared frustration between autistic people raised by nuerotypical parents and nuerotypical people raised by autstic parents. Nuerotypical parents are just as clueless and often just as unintentionally harmful towards autistic children as autistic parents are towards nuerotypical children.
The other part of the problem is that autsitic parents are navigating parenting in a society that seems almost deliberately designed to have them fail. While failure to live up to the standard required of them as parents is something they have to take responsibility for and not something they can wave away with excuses, it doesn't change that expecting them to meet that standard is still unrealistic. It's similar to how single parents, parents trapped in a bad marriage, poor parents, sick parents, physically disabled parents, and immigrant parents (and nuerotypical parents with autistic children) often fail to meet that standard as well. The odds are stacked against them. It reminds me of that news story of the unemployed single mom who got arrested for leaving her kids in a hot car while she went inside to do a job interview. Her predicament doesn't change that her kids could've died in a hot car, but what alternatives did she have? Leaving her kids at home would also have been child neglect. As would failing to secure employment and not being able to feed them. Ultimately, a large amount of personal failings are the result of societal failings and addressing systemic failure often solves more problems in the long term. That doesn't absolve anyone of personal responsibility for their actions, but it does highlight an even greater societal responsibility that humanity has collectively ignored and the privileged have actively fought against.
And, while I don't think this is your intention, parts of your comment kinda reads like "Autistic people shouldn't have kids" which is technically a eugenics statement.
And the alcoholic comparison is also problematic. You're born autistic, you're not born an alcoholic. You can quit being an alcoholic (or rather, obtain sobriety) but you can't quit being autistic.
Again, not accusing you of anything, just saying what it sounds like. I always assume good intentions.
Great work hope to collaborate with you on RUclips one day ❤️ ❤❤Namibia 🇳🇦
Sure thing
We need to raise awareness all over the world
My father was an alcoholic and he allowed my stepmother to badly mistreat me. I now know he most likely has autism. Now i also have a 3 yr old w an undiagnosed autistic struggling w alcohol addiction. My dad recently forgot my 40th birthday. He felt so bad that as soon as he relized his mistake he left a long drunken apology on my voice mail.
What is it if a person does these things but is also a social butterfly. Perfectly happy to engage with strangers at great length, tell personal stories, but had no time for the ones most closely related to them? This person also never says “please help me _____”, “thank you”, or “I’m sorry”. The closest thing to an apology is entrenchment and endless self justification?
I’m trying really hard to not write this person off entirely as they tick the boxes in this video, and I score quite high on multiple assessment tests, but the reluctance to acknowledge the consequences of their actions, and their consistent stance of always being justified makes it very difficult to continue having empathy for them.
Incidentally we had a reasonably good relationship up until I was no longer a little child, at which point the distant affect became enormous.
It sounds like autism and adhd, or audhd as they call it which often appears different than autism by itself. I have audhd and there are a few differences. Or they could be an extroverted and sensory seeking autistic person.
My mother is like this and she is also audhd. She engages in endless self justification and has a big victim complex, can't face the prospect of ever being awful, and seems to have a selective memory. Though I wouldn't say all this is because of her audhd, but instead is related to traumas and life experiences, sometimes the traumas are a result of being audhd and sometimes they are not. It doesn't explain everything, she is still a complex person as I'm sure the person you're talking about also is.
6:08 My dad can be annoyingly unresponsive, but it's never bugged me too much because men who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones...
Wise comment
At what point are parents responsible for only deciding to have children if they’re able to be tolerant enough and give them enough attention and emotional support? In most cases, it’s a choice. (When I say enough, I’m recognising that all parents have limits and bad days, but if every day for you can be a bad day in terms of sensory overload, focus, personal interaction, touch and affection, I wonder why you would decide to have children?)
I can answer this from personal experience. Because your life up to the point of becoming a parent was so well managed that you had no ideas that's what would happen when things change. You're welcome. 😂 Had no idea I was so sensory sensitive until I was pregnant. But I spent most of my life in nature or at the barn only around horses (who are very big on personal space and avoiding conflict 😂). So I didn't have too many overload situations. Having kids really showed me how different I was from everyone else. Looking into why they are according to doctors "not right" made me find out about autism. (Now it's very obvious. My grandma, my mother, my father, my brother, my partner and all three of our kids...😅) That's how you end up in that situation.
Being told blood pressure will kill me doesn’t help.
It just makes the difficulty I’m having getting healthcare more stressful.
Bad health is a symptom of being denied care for some people. While caring for the “privileged” by feeding them poison.
Gardening for fun, despite the laws chipping away at those rights and seeing the introduction of GMO seeds into gardens works better. As long as I’m doing it for fun.
This talk just makes me feel worse about being poor and my diet being 1 fast meal a day. I can’t choose to NOT eat the only food available.
This video is the equivalent of telling someone tied to train tracks to get and telling them the dire consequences of not doing so, as if they don’t know the danger and are CHOOSING to be in that situation.
This is the same attitude of doctors who scream, “No one needs physicals, they just need 5 or 6 vitamins”. Or try to discharge a patient after taking an X-ray that shows a collapsed lung. Then trying to stop them from going to a better hospital even after the patient post a video of doctors yelling at them as they refuse to give direct answers about their diagnosis and prognosis.
You are ignoring the DOCUMENTED cases and proof of healthcare being denied to tell the lie that people Choose To follow doctors advice.
YOU’RE BLAMING THE VICTIM FOR THE RESULTS OF BEING DENIED CARE.
These are the same lies that say that black people only have high blood pressure because of genetics and can’t do anything about it. This ignores diet, stress, denial of healthcare, and the fact that other “races” has this problem. Just like you’re ignoring that the healthcare community is RESPONSIBLE for 40% of the population has high blood pressure. That’s WAY to much of the population and a drastic increase to be explained as the victim “doing it to themselves”.
Take in mind victim blaming is one of the ways you deny people’s rights and blame them for it. You then associate the problem as being the problem of marginalized people whose mistreatment is normalized. It tricks you into “helping” these people by criticizing them for widespread problems that are to big to be the fault of people being self- destructive.
This is why people focused on growing food for the joy of it are more helpful to me. Just having 1 spinach plant to hang out with, made me feel empowered. Choosing to ‘hang out with it instead of watching the news because it feels good helped. So does eating a couple of leaves and knowing it helped because I felt energized. It also made me feel less dependent on doctors as I realized my 30 plus year problem of a lack of health was drastically helped with vegetables and probiotics. Something that should have been discovered if I was listened to or even given a full physical the way you were at 16 years old.
Knowing I could trust myself after having my tiredness dismissed as lazy despite also having the nickname of pittbull because I’m so driven, helped the most. Take in mind the same people who treat me like I’m lazy call me things like PITTBULL to make it seem like I’m wrong for providing myself with basic necessities I need to survive. The fact that I’m denied care means I’m doing something wrong to deserve the inhumane treatment. But I’m also wrong for doing it myself. In both situations I’m wrong for trying to get healthcare and move out of a slum building that’s had 3 fires in 7 years. That’s in addition to to the firemen not telling us about these stage 3 fires that left people homeless. And the firemen getting upset to the degree of being physically aggressive when it was brought to their attention that the tenants weren’t evacuated or notified about the fire at all. I thought it was a mistake and they didn’t realize it. Even after I asked the first time despite the agressive response. I though the firemen hadn’t heard me because the anger was so weird. Until I asked again.
On the other hand, my studio apartment has grown into a garden with lettuce, kale, spinach, tomatoes, and squash. If I had been focused on the dire consequences that would have IMMOBILIZED me.
Ignoring people who “help” by fear mongering and victim blaming help. Those people have Stockholm syndrome that’s more deadly than cancer. They ignore the nature of the problem and everything being done to improve to, beat up on the survivor for not doing enough, and doing too much, IN THE SANE CONVERSATION.
I have thousands of hours of recordings of this abuse, having the fact that I can’t get straight answers or follow up blamed on the fact that I called someone who claimed they would call back with answers. Apparently waiting 2 months or more for a call before calling back is TOO proactive and justification for not being called back by someone who hasn’t set up their voicemail and lies to me.
If you want people to eat healthier food, acknowledge that there are obstacles and share information that will make it EASIER. Sharing resources like localharvest.org to buy food from local farmers and falling fruit.org for find public trees you can forage fruit, in addition to mentioning food pantries would be more helpful.
Telling people what NOT to do while only briefly mentioning money concerns before going back to a lecture that ignores how poverty connects to health is NOT useful. It’s a roundabout way of shaming people for being broke as you lecture them to not eat the food they can afford.
The fact that you didn’t mention gardening at all even though it’s the cheapest way to acquire food. Assuming everyone has a place to grow or can use someone’s land.
Talking to people with these problems would have also helped. You would have found out having insurance doesn’t help when it comes to being denied care. Anymore than following a doctors advice on lab reports for test you are DENIED.
Almost everything you says ignores the causes of the problem of getting healthcare, redlining that leads to spoiling produce that is more expensive than the same brand of food sold at whole foods that’s organic, but cheaper than the produce in the hood.
On one side I got doctors who get angry when I ask for care or even try to tell them what’s wrong. On the other side there’s people like you helping by stressing people out, making it seem like we CHOOSE to live miserable lives and die early. Meanwhile obvious problems and the simple actions that can help alleviate them many get ignored.
There’s no difference between denying somebody care and saying it’s their fault, and beating people up when I get in care and seeing that it’s their choice. All your information comes from an industry that’s blaming the patients in order to be able to keep denying care.
Being denied care and recording it and having proof and seeing people get upset about the proof while claiming that we are doing its ourselves but discouraging ing me from doing things to help myself including going to another better hospital in order to get my lung collapse lungs fixed is the environment that allows the problem to faster while pretending that they’re finding a solution. The point is is that not getting care is normalize blaming the victim is normalized. The idea of actually addressing the problems with the healthcare industry actually following their oath and doing things like physicals and giving you lab work and I’m getting an attitude because you’re asking for these things it’s not solving the problem. Neither is pretending that 40% of Americans are just in bad health because he choose to ignore the healthcare industry. It would make more sense that the problems that widespread because people were supposed to be helping prevent the problem and solve the problem are the ones who is creating that problem by refusing to do anything about it. That’s in addition to having segregated neighborhoods we’re who that is spoiled is censored those bad those black neighborhoods. And where you have to sit down there and take how long chip on the train in order to hunt down produce that is either not sold or sold in such bad condition that is improper producing. That’s in addition to this environment that’s toxic being so prevalent that I have to make a case would you say to people who aren’t affected by what I do but acts like me doing what I need to do to be healthy somehow takes away from their health. Or contradicts with the idea that was supposed to suffer Celine blame ourselves for it.
Way too long ..
You just described my Mother 😂 just she did not had any meltdowns.
i suspect my dad is autistic and likely cause of how easily he can get stressed out and overwhelmed, unfortunetly leading him to blaming shit on everyone else n all that
he doesnt socialise with me and the way he does socialise with ppl just screams "im doing it to be normal" and does no physical contact
idk if i should even try suggesting this to my parents, i wouldnt want my dad to become more upset or ig just simply denying the idea, but i wonder if knowing it could help him deal with his stress and not overwork himself so damn much
Do you think he would accept it if you made a suggestion? If not then it will only cause more frustration in him and you to have that conversation. That happened to me and I made a video about it too ruclips.net/video/RrFw7mB9NWE/видео.htmlsi=I4KrW6o3l6TQSoe-
Wow that sucks.. as a kid. Can ND just have strategies to not do this kind of shit.. like if they know they are going to forget to say happy birthday just put a damn alert in the cellphone to do it that day..
Yeah, no, my parents were bad. There is not an excuse for abuse.
They're bad because they brought you into existence
🙄