was on a "intergalactic larp" And told a grey to hold my beer (USS Interceptor 401, were you there? xD) Some commander with "vast experience interacting with humans" quickly ordered the complete evacuation of the mess hall for their safety... Following a brawl match between me and a (very muscular fighting oriented alien i can not remember the name of) Good times.
@@nuru666 Breaking news: Human tunnels through the dimensional barrier and makes it possible to use the ninth dimension to make what humans call submarines.
@@Kghammond852 Reports now coming in that humans have used this technology to spy on the galactic union and may know every affair currently occurring or having previously occurred. Advertisements may now predict things you want before you even register the feeling of want.
An additional footnote to human pets: Do not assume that a human's pet is a living thing. The phenomenon of "pet rocks" is well-documented in the human's information age and continues to this day. It is likely that a human can bond with anything, even a simple chunk of minerals, and as such extreme caution should be taken with a human's possessions.
And if the human has a card game called "dueling monsters" or "Magic" do not let them on the solid air holodeck. We still have not located the dark magician
Honestly, imagine having studied human history to find a weakness. Discovering a solution to finally defeat them. Only to be foiled by a Koribo and a well placed fire ferret
"never try to eat the animal companion of a human, even their weakest are dangerous when their 'pets' are in danger for any reason. Also, if you succeed in harming the 'pet', the owner will hold a grudge against you."
"Or summarily proceed to beat you to death with either their fists, a tool, or the ship's own bulkhead when they proceed to repeatedly throw you against."
but you know that when theres war to be done, there's going to be an awful lot of Sabaton being played.......and then an awful lot of explaining to be done
Do not be scared if a human bares its fangs a you, this is called a smile, and on all other species on their home world it is a sign of aggression, however on a human the baring of teeth indicates delight and that the human is in a good mood. Note when a human finds a situation particularly amusing they will laugh, this involves thier respiratory system convulsing and them making a strange noise. This is perfectly healthy. Please do not alert the medical team if a human is laughing
ANd is the start randomly screaming BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, its becasue they missed their morning cofee. this is an ideal time to drop them on a hostile planet to purge the threat there!
note that when a human smiles with a sign of rage in his eyes, an act of aggression has been enacted. laughing might also mean stuff such as choking or a sign of aggression, so take a close look at the signs
@@ballsacsincorp humans commonly show signs before and after they’ve past their”Breaking point” once a breaking point is reached they will become too unstable and can and will do things conventionally outside of their nature this includes Swearing,incoherent rambling,Lambasting ,xenocide,and other depraved actions Addendum:This is only a part of the population they can just as easily become self destructive if they are a high value individual this can be infinitely more detrimental than the hostile “Break”
I like the idea that someone was tired and a bit angry so they just modified one of the most advanced tools ever conceived and found a place consisting entirely and solely of pancakes.
Advice 5-A: if a human ask you to play a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, just say no, it hard to explain.
"Do NOT attempt to breed with one. If, and that's a BIG if, they're interested, let them make the first move. They react to unprovoked breeding attempts with lethal force."
@@thereynaldosan7695 i mean if an alien is an arthropod(bug)i would definitely react with lethal force to both,but yeah anyone who's straight would react with lethal force
Alien.whats this human? Human. Moonshine. Alien. Swig. Alien commander. How long has he been in the rafters? Human.about 2hrs Alien commander. How much did he have. Human. A swig
Elevated rates of fatigue amongst damage control teams have been reported on vessels that have taken on human crew members. Note that some captains have claimed that this trend can be mitigated if the human crew members are disproportionatly assigned to damage control, but so far analysis has been inconclusive.
Me, as the sleep deprived FTL tech: You woke me up at 2am because you "thought I was dead"? On top of that, you had me work _through breakfast time?_ To hell with this...if I can't get pancakes then _I will turn you all into pancakes instead!_
Do not touch humans in a way that they see as aggressive. Results of this action range from the human jumping, which risks injury, to the human pulling out a “firearm”, a kind of kinetic weapon powered by a violent chemical reaction. While very useful when fighting pirates, this device has been responsible for several deaths when the human holding it was startled unnecessarily. We do not need any more ships grounded for cleaning.
Wait hold on; a sleep deprived human engineer discovered a dimension that consists entirely of pancakes... And didn't get a commendation and a medla of some sort.
He actually won three medals and official Canadian citizenship. The whole thing made the Union diplomats' heads hurt, so they gave up and went home. Except for Junior Ambassador Thneek, who stayed for the awards banquet, and ate so much he entered hibernation. (The humans were highly impressed by this, and stated he "really had the spirit of the event".)
we need a spin off story from the Pancake people about these demons that rip open the fabric of the universe and devoured whole swaths of the population
Advice for safely interacting with humans: footnote Even though the Varieties of Human music played aboard ships are restricted, do not start a conversation regarding the quality of said music or what variety, genre, artist, group, holds the highest quality. This is particularly important with the presence of a larger number of humans as they can debate this almost ceaselessly -causing a decline in productivity and can even result in physical altercations. if the latter-most occurs, please get security personnel to intervene rather than doing so yourself; humans can withstand much more of what they inflict on each other than what you can withstand. If the security personel become invested in the brawl, please help with the cleanup.
Additional warning: Contrary to most union member species human do no have a sexual cycle and therefore have to be considered in permanent heat. Previously fleet command considered that fact irrelevant due to strongly dissimilar appearance of member species and therefore lack of attraction. 135 instances proved this hypothesis incorrect.
If one wishes to uncover some of the strange psychology behind this, one may ask the human about what is deemed “The 34th Rule” in human society and especially on the human internet. However, be warned that this may cause mass psychological damage and you should be wary when listening.
I know of several species who think we’re irresistibly cute. Please abstain from picking us up, coddling us, petting us or cooing at us. Please remember we are highly intelligent sentient animals and we consider such behavior disrespectful unless we are feeling playful. Some species may also wish to inform a Human of their physical and psychological vulnerabilities before engaging in play with them to avoid harm. Edit: I just learned the hard way that Norians can experience physiological damage from exhaustion while at the pool. Thankfully, Trills When Eating didn’t drown. And a xenophysician happened to be there. I recommend explaining to those with whom you play that Humans have a uniquely high endurance.
@@hdcandela5697 Please remember that idiots who think we need constant pets are people too. I just politely explain matters to them, and it never really gets out of hand.
Be advised that humans tend to use what would be considered vulgar language as expressions and most do not actually want to wish to engage in intercourse with other species. Keyword being 'most' so caution is recommended.
An additional footnote: due to it's generic coloration, human blood has, on occasion, been confused with that of other sapient species. The results were gruesome, as the immune system cells ate those who received the blood. The results were 12 comas and 87 fatalities. Always test blood samples to see which species it came from.
Side Note: Humans are most dangerous in one of three states; the, so called, "rage state" in which a human disregards self-preservation in order to eliminate the threat. The "cold state" in which a human becomes silent, patient, and maliciously ruthless. ...and finally, the "bored state" in which a human disregards self-preservation in the pursuit of entertainment. Addendum: Apparently, the "bored state" leads to more wanton destruction, in response all human quarters are to be fitted with monitors capable of reading human media. Addendum 2: Apparently, the humans have already solved the problem by re-engineering common ship monitors to be compatible with an entertainment device referred to as a "console." Also, out of boredom.
Addendum 3: various non human crew members have requested for these systems to also be retrofitted to there monitor after visit to human corters , do to current negotiations with union investors and human companies, this is being considered and will go into effect in the coming 30 solar rotation period
Never demand a human to put down their own personal weapons. Explain why they "should not" practice with them inside. Always knock, identify yourself, and ask to enter, before entering a human home for the same reason. When visiting more natural and less developed worlds on diplomatic and relief missions, remind humans that some beings are not for cooking on a fire and eating.
Should a human ever utter the phrases: "Hey y'all, watch this!", "Hold my Beer.", or anything remotely similar: Try to talk them out of it or failing that, Run! For all their advancement, Humans have a bizarre tendency to try to test firmly established scientific principles of physics in a ritual called "Showing off". The result can be something as relatively minor as a fall only effecting the human, but could very well be something as catastrophic as explosive drive failure and exposure to vacuum. Despite what a Human who has just proven that the Laws of Physics still apply may say about the activity being "Dumb", it is currently believed that the Ritual in question might in fact be partly responsible for large portions of Human Scientific development.1 1 Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to partake in this ritual yourself. It is poorly understood at this point and requires much further testing under controlled conditions.
@@SwordlordRoy note if any human says the phrase "what can go wrong" or "what's the worst that can happen?" assume the worst outcome and alert command at once
The ritual of showing off becomes even more problematic when females of the species are nearby. Early studies have suggested this may be a preliminary part of human mating rituals.
it didn't say how good their hardware is. Only what their software was like. Vista or not isn't going to be as important to how fast a system can run as what the hardware can do. Even if a bad OS could waste some of the processing power a computer could have used on something useful.
I think they were referring to the stability and security of the OS more than its capability. There are systems that can do a lot but are extremely fragile.
Addendum 1: If any crew feels a need to attend a human festival known as a "metal concert", please file a contract of inheritance before hand. For safety reasons avoid any festival rituals called "mosh pits", "walls of death", "circle pits", or "pogoing", do not be afraid to decline participating in these rituals the humans will not be offended, though they may tease you and call you a series of less than polite nicknames, usually associated with a human genitalia.
Addendum 2: There is also usage of psychoactive substances at these festivals, generally used through igniting a small cylinder of paper with a substance called "marijuana", "weed", "pot", "Mary Jane" and many other names inside of it. While the effects of this substance to our people is unknown, it is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED that you avoid it until it's effects can be studied more in depth, however if you are to partake of it please report to the nearest medical facility for medical study, especially if you feel ill because of it. Normal side effects, on Humans, include a feeling of happiness, calmness, increased apatite, dry mouth, coughing and uncontrolled bouts of "giggling".
@gearsfan6669 further addendum: this plant can also cause humans to entire a relaxed state which aids in sleep. This sleep is even deeper than what they attain normally and SHOULD NOT BE DISTURBED. Good gods I hate how groggy I get lol
If a human should identify themselves as an 'artist' know that they are a kind of astetic engineer, and it is wise to inquire what kind of artist they are. Visual and musical (auditory) artists are, physically speaking, safe to engage with (1). Motion, physical, and martial (yes, meaning war) artists are not (2). 1. This may not apply to those who perceive more than three dimensions, and/or with more than the standard five senses. 2. The human endoskeleton is far more durable than their fleshy exterior, and its structure affords the well-practiced a range of motion and elastic-kenetic power beyond what should be feasible for their size.
Furthermore, humans bodies are restrained by their own unconscious cognitive functions to maintain continued health. In times of great stress, the human brain releases several chemicals and hormones causing, among other things, unrestrained use of physical strength, increased cognitive speed, and reduction in instincts for self preservation. Caution is advised.
Such way to describe this phenomenon are either “adrenaline rush” or “hysterical strength”. Be aware the this activates 100% of a humans muscle strength, which can cause great harm to those they are against as even their own bodies can suffer injuries from such exertion. (Everyone must be made aware that on regular occasions, a human body only uses 65% of its muscle strength. Both to save energy and to protect themselves)
Visual and musical artists are not always that safe to engage with. Human visual artists often use a shocking amount of highly toxic compounds in the creation of their "art", often to the detriment of their own health and safety. As for musicians, see reference video: "Rammstein".
I can honestly picture an alien being confused as fuck when hearing this anouncement, to then being reminded of the anouncement when chased down the corridor screaming while something called 'bull-dog' is tear assing behind it
HQ wants to remind all military personnel that during combat situations humans will often laugh in the face of death. To avoid another Calorian Incident, Galactic Military Federation HQ is mandating that all Officers of Command level and all combat NCO's are reminded that humans have something they call "a sense of humor". This has caused some confusion from time to time... As we all know. If there are humans, even only one or two, under your command, do not be surprised to find a Slirean slime worm in your sleeping quarters. If you do find yourself the victim of human humor, do not retaliate! Smile and laugh like you mean it. Because, humans judge each other on their ability to "take a joke". If you survive(d) the joke, realize that you are now 'one of the gang' and the very same human(s) who joked you will now defend you to the death.
FOOTNOTE: For those inclined to retaliate in kind for such 'pranks' [sic], such is not forbidden, but the unit in question can and should be mindful that the human will see this as competitive action and escalate accordingly.
After becoming one of "The Gang", you may find yourself encouraged to engage in this same "pranking" behaviour. It is recommended to give a good natured attempt as humans dislike those who don't have any "sense of humour". However it is recommended that you consider the potential mental or physical harm of such activities and suggest minimally injurious jokes, as some humans struggle to identify when they are taking things to far. Some generally recommended jokes are: • Placing a balloon cushion which produces a sound and or smell when squeezed on the targets chair. • Giving a human a dessert beverage topped with dental paste in place of cream. • Attaching a piece of paper to the back of the target reading "I've just been pranked" without them noticing. While frustrating, these activities will prove minimally harmful and should allow the target to gain easy admittance to "The Gang". You should additionally expect the humans to encourage the target to prank you in retaliation. The correct response is to act like you don't expect it, and after it has happened, laugh it off, saying something to the effect of "Fair's fair", then show a sign of familial or close platonic affection to the one who pranked you (humans generally consider handshakes or hugs to be appropriate, but if these are inappropriate for either of you it is advised to use something amenable to both parties).
@@DinnerForkTonguebut it didn’t specify the terms of the retaliation, so don’t do pranks on aliens, because they could retaliate with an exterminatus on the entire planet.
2 qualities of Humans need to be kept in mind for any long-term dangerous mission. 1) Humans, despite their soft, fleshy exterior, are quite durable and can withstand injuries far beyond what most Galactic Union member species can. 2) Humans will pack bond with any group they are in contact with [side note: there are even recorded incidences of kidnappees & kidnappers bonding] for a sufficient time. Given these two facts it is quite possible that a Human will voluntarily place him or herself in a situation that will severely injure and even kill the Human, in order to ensure the safety of its "pack". Do not depend on your perceived invincibility of the Human to save the crew. He or she isn't invincible but will still sacrifice themselves for their new 'family'. You will discover that not only has the Human pack bonded with you, you have bonded with him or her. The emotional pain you experience will most likely be beyond anything you have ever suffered. If, however, the ship finds itself in dire circumstances expect the Human to sacrifice himself. Keep in mind that this is the highest expression of love the Human can honor you with. In turn honor the Human in your own cultural methods, and be proud that you became his family. And yes, it will still hurt.
Addendum Be aware that humans are the only member species of the Union which is known to continue fighting despite suffering 70%+ level of casualities. Because of that it is highly advised that humans should only be given command of the fleet in the direst of circumstances.
While such self-sacrificial behaviour is more common in male Humans than female, that does not mean that it is unheard of among females: especially when juveniles are involved. Addendum: male Humans are also stronger and tougher than female Humans - this is in contrast to many other species, and has to do with the high energy requirements of their brains combined with the beginning of their species' life cycle.
Additional avoid getting covered in any of their spices especially when they are under the effects of sleep deprivation they may eat you yes even if you do have poison/vemon in yourself humans like to intoxicate themselves for fun
@@Nopenguin4875 Humans also like the appeal of the dangerous chemical known as capsaicin, which is highly toxic to most other species. Please also note that humans regularly consume caffeine as a stimulant. They are able to a much larger quantity than any other species and medical staff may not be informed if a human is seen consuming this liquid that is otherwise used as a pesticide.
Please note, some humans are more eccentric than others, and once feeling comfortable can reveal themselves as being quite unusual in their practices and/or casual behavior and activity
Advice 4a: When Specialist Skippy has a bottle of "Cool Mint Listerine", management is advised to confiscate said bottle, as the last time Skippy had replaced the contents with green food coloring and the aforementioned colorless alcohol.
huh, wonder if thats how some underage students were able to smuggle alcohol onto my former Job Corps campus. Me? I just poured my cheap ass whiskey (or wine) into a giant mug and just strolled back on campus and just raised an eyebrow at campus security. . . . of course it helped that I was one of the few that didn't cause trouble so they let me get away with it XD They were too busy trying to get the 6 pack of beer from the guy that's over 6 ft tall and built like a linebacker.... there's a reason we called him Bear.
@@Cyroill Ah that was the Guthrie Job Corps, about 75 mi north of OKC. Bear is/was a tall native American, over 6 ft tall. One of the guards I'd talk to told me about the incident, Bear was in the boys restroom with a 6pack and a instructor called for the guard to take he booze away. Guard went in, looked at just how big Bear was, walked back out and said he wasn't paid enough to mess with him. Funny thing was that Bear was really laid back and not hostile guy, like a loveable oversized teddy bear. I can't remember which tribe he was from but one of his best friends was called Yellow Eyes. When someone asked why he was called that he replied that he was so drunk and full of piss it made his eyes yellow.
@@Katzztar I may be 10 months late to this, but a funny story about a guy from my former school, letting call him Steve: Steve was about 7 ft/2meters tall, absolute unit and build like the Mountain. This guy literally broke down a whole wooden wall in a classroom and landed on the hallway, beat up 2 guys at once while using their 3rd friend as a weapon and breaking the arm of another student during dodgeball by throwing the ball too hard. All in all, nobody wanted to mess with this guy, he was wholesome and friendly most of the time, but you really didn't want to mess with him. He would come drunk to class regularly and teachers just ignored it because he never made trouble during class, was a smart student and all. Well, except for one new teacher. It was his first day, the teacher being shorter than pretty much anyone in the class (like 5'2/1,6m) and the first thing he does is shout at Steve for smelling like alcohol. Steve just locks eyes with him, slowly stands up and remains like this for a second with a literal death stare. Alcohol can be a b*tch and I think it's reasonable schools ban it
@@Sharkakaka True, but we humans are at least aware of the "dangers" of the internet and approach it with some caution. Those poor intergalactic species wouldn't know what hit them if they were allowed unfiltered access. It is a rabbit hole they are not prepared for. Just the weird side of YT would be too much, I think. XD
heh they would have to change the things that say "are you 18+" to "are you at the age of maturity designated by your species and are willing to accept the risk of physiological damage to yourself"
Additional footnote: When investigating human history, please maintain some form of comfort nearby, and obtain the contact information of a reliable therapist beforehand. This is particularly recommended when studying colonialism, the world wars, slavery, the Mongols, Manifest Destiny, and the Aztecs. Actually, just avoid studying the Aztecs.
Advice #10 Some humans posses a something called a “Mental Disorder” which causes their brain to function in different ways. Some common ones you may encounter are OCD, basically they are perfectionists. ADD, essentially thay have some difficulty focusing on things they find boring or uninteresting. ADHD, same thing as before but they tend to get random bursts of energy and get hyper fixated on certain things. But also know that ADHD suffering humans are wild and unpredictable. Always be calm and cautious around them. You may encourage their Hyperactivity. We aren’t ready for that. Not after the last time where someone ended up trying to fight an ADHD human. The human walked away slightly bruised but left the instigator hospitalized for 3 “months” as the humans call it. Needless to say don’t mess with them. It’s not worth the risk.
Please be advised that humans are pack oriented, they will bond emotionally to fellow humans, animals outside their own species and even non living (assortments of items may vary) things. It is then that we remind everyone in a species whom may operate with limited emotional intentions that if a human A. Seeks to follow you outside mandatory operations and work hours B. Has their pitch increase in speed and tone around you specifically C. Initiate verbal communications with you or offer to share their personal time with your company Then it is not a sign of strategic information gathering or the human forgetting past experiences with you but rather the human has seemingly bonded to you and considers you “one of them” this is amongst humans a sign of companionship they call “friends” and is a honoured and cherished position amongst human societies. However if in any case the human makes you uncomfortable many will often comprehend your wishes and remove themselves from you(any refusal should be reported immediately to social resources) However if the initiation is in fact appreciated than please read these articles and material on how to cooperate and improve your interaction with any humans in your life.
Advice: Humans are known for being a species that gets attached easily and can bond with anything, however a human may bond too much with other species, in the case of an anatomy close to their own humans call them "furries", and develop attraction to an individual from another species, if the crewmember are willing there is no problem in engaging in a romantic relationship with a human, for the most part, but be warned that the majority of humans are territorial and may become highly jealous of their partners. Do not cheat on a human. They may seek revenge after this and the union will not intervene as more people would get hurt with this and we don't want THAT incident to repeat itself.
Human Relationships: While not strictly prohibited, it is highly unadvised if you are not a humanoid of a similar size. While genetic compatibility is still being researched, research into the human internet (See above for a refresher) shows that human imagination for interpersonal behavior can be odd. If you and a human partner wants to try something, ensure both parties are safe. Medical bills will be deducted from your and your partner's pay if either of you receive injuries. If one partner dies during private interpersonal relationship rituals, the survivor can face criminal charges. To understand why this needs to be stated, please refer to Incident V. Stomach acid is nothing to scoff at.
Advice: Management has concluded that due to the human's ability to weaponize almost anything, that any exotic materials requested by the human has to be approved by management. We would like to avoid another instance of a superbomb created by a human looking for smoothie recepies.
I can only imagine the excited techie who got his hands on the first copy of the translated alien BIOS, only to look at it for a few minutes, have a terrible epiphany, call his friend, and just say, "Dude, they're basically using Vista, running on _qubits"_
I mean if it has fur it will be instantly be seen as cute so yea. We will pact bond with the 6legged 4 eyed hyper preditor with 2 mouths. And yes it may have to do something that they look a bit like wolfs...
Addendum: While human engineers are very competent, do not leave them alone. Human engineers, especially if they are from the [countries] of Brazil or Russia. Somehow, even if their languages are completely different, they can understand each other and build. Let the last lab explosion be the LAST! the humans weren't even harmed by it and the explosion cost way too much in credits!
I would like to add a piece of advice to prevent further accidents involving miss-placed tooling. If you hold your races' equivalent to a QMED rating aboard ship, do not under ANY circumstances borrow or use any tool a human engineer has in their possession without first garnering EXPLICIT verbal permission from the individual, as many bring a personal assortment of maintenance tools and apparatus. It should be noted that many human personnel will react somewhat violently if they perceive a tool has gone missing. This state can only be fully rectified by both the immediate and unconditional return of the item in question, as well as the procurement of either a caffeinated or alcoholic beverage (as the situation permits) for the offended party.
I am a human and I can neither confirm or deny that following these guidelines will ensure your physical and/or psychological safety/wellbeing will be guaranteed.
Notice delta: Until further notice humans are not allowed to serve on vessel that have vulpi crews, due to the the similarities they share with a wild animal called a fox on their homeworld, & likewise humans shareing the looks of the apex super predator on the Vulpi homeworld.
advice 11: if you make a living off of doing art be warned of human commissioners , they may ask for you to draw porn unless you state otherwise somewhere ( even then they still may ask) , confirm that they can pay with money some will want to pay with "exposer" which is not a currency , either have them pay upfront or half before half after
I feel like these advices should also state how some Humans prefer Tea to Coffee. Waking someone like me early and then offering them a Liquid that tastes like burned dishwashing soap instead of a nice cup of tea would be a grave mistake.
@@geoshark12 I did not intend to insult anyone i was just a bit Hyperbolic for the sake of humour. A local brand makes a pretty good triple shot espresso which i quite like and which i drink sometimes but for normal consumption i try not to use sugar or sweetener and i also don't like drinks with warm milk in it (Except warm milk with honey) and i have yet to drink a black coffee that doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.
@@Jorakful I start with a darker roast and soften it for later consumption over the course of the day. Nothing wakes you up quite as effectively as the taste of glassed earth, but I'm a little bitch when it comes to bitterness in my food and drink.
Advise on the subject of human speech: Be advised that humans will occasionally engage in an activity known as "sarcasm". It is marked by deliberate changes to speech patterns, such as changes in tone and inflection, or beginning a sentence with phrases like "yeah, right". This is common behavior, motivated by frustration and/or disbelief. In such situations, what is said is opposite of what is meant to be understood. Do not submit humans for psychological evaluation when engaging in this behavior, as it will further provoke anger and frustration
Subject Omicron: To all Federation captains If your human crew member asks about Hollow-weed, tell them it is forbidden on ship, we are still having sliven priests trying to cleanse the Federation ship Grrkek of demons after Major Tom dressed up like a ghost for this Hollow-weed nearly killed the crew with pure fear.
If a human ever refers to you as "buddy" in an aggressive manner, you most certainly will not be actually considered as such (1). Instances where such a term has been uttered usually result in bodily harm to all those involved except for the human, who is almost always the instigator of such violence. (2) Just because they evolved without an exoskeleton and require garments to protect themselves doesn't mean they are harmless - far from it, actually. 1. Only assume that the human in question is using the term in a friendly manner if you are already acquainted with them and are on good terms. 2. This is to be of particular note if the location of the instance is within a terrestrial traffic zone, where a phenomenon among human drivers known as "road rage" is reported within certain individuals.
If a human says, "Hey, watch this!" Make sure that all safety protocols, and impact mitigation systems are online, and fully operational. Prayers for divine intervention are optional.
I have discovered that humans will commonly practice this technique of increasing muscle mass called exercise. This will commonly lead to the humans body heat increasing drastically and their breathing becoming very heavy. This is not the symptoms of a disease(though it can be if they haven’t been that active) and is just their body removing excess heat.
Add to advice 4. If you meet the human group calling themselfes as "Poles" it is highly recommendet to avoid drinking with them. By Union standards their alcohol is classified as short-range rocket fuel.
HQ would also advise that when a human asks you to pull their finger, you are advised to not do this - particularly if you are sensitive to smell. Humans can sometimes expel toxic gasses via some form of trigger in their finger. This has been proven to be exacerbated by some human foods being ingested - particularly what is called "Daves' curry". Fleet command would like to avoid a repitition of the gas warfare alert panic which recently resulted in many unecessary casualties.
Yeah, I read a ton as a kid but later on due to excessive partying and later on dealing with addiction and developing an anxiety disorder I had trouble focusing well enough to read for any long periods but HFY stories have been great thanks to usually being made up of smaller chapters so I've been able to steadily grow the length of the periods I read and yesterday I read for over four hours straight which was amazing! Maybe with a little more training I can get back to the book a day pace I had in my early teens (although I doubt I will be able to dedicate whole days to nothing but reading because of all the boring adulting I have to do now in my 30s but one can dream)
10:15 THEY AGREED TO NOT PLAY METAL?! What kind of "unholy confession" is this It really makes me want to "rage against the machine" you know I don't care what you do but i will fight for my right to listen to metal because "Nothing else matters" I am ready to take "alien weaponry" in my own hands for this"!
@@KenobiSon oh! ooooh you didn't! OH you "No Name" you did not just insult rap! you can freely do that "Without me" because you can be sure I'll do "All I can" to make sure that doesn't happen XD
Lying to the Galactic Federation that our most advanced computer is Windows Vista might be the most "human" thing possible. I can only imagine the impending chaos.
Sudden notice to all fellow human crew members. I don’t want to keep reminding you why we should be careful with our choice of words around the other members of the union crews. We’ve already had Phil and Dave turned into a dehydrated cubes after that incident. Fortunately they did give us instructions on how to reverse the process. I still want to remind you all that we should remain in good favor with them as I feel this could help not just ours but many other intelligent species moving forward that is all.
I know it's late, but just had to add that the acronym DAU is used in german(y) and stands for "Dummster anzunehmender User" roughly translates to stupidest expected user. It's used in the context of that the cause of errors is usually in front of the keyboard.
I don’t know what’s stranger: the fact that a space faring races operating system is comparable to windows vista, or that fact even with better operating systems, humanity still hadnt become a space faring race until this moment XD
Additional Addendums: 1) Humans of the tribe "Scotts" should be inducted into your warrior class without delay. Do not, on any account, deny them access to their traditional weapons in addition to whatever your standard deployment armament may be. Those "ancestral weapons" may include close-combat edged weapons which will rapidly become respected side-arms by your troops, as well as sonic weapons with a wide-field range--called "Pipes and Drums" which may induce psychological damage to enemy forces at a distance. 2) Humans of the sub-tribe "Rednecks" should be inducted into your engineering class--with proper supervision, of course. Those self-identifying as a deeper sub-class called "Farm-boys" may prove to be savants capable of intuitive leaps of logic and engineering which has proven to advance the arts of improvised munitions as well as ground vehicle design which may--in time of great need--spell the difference between inevitable defeat and almost inexplicable victory in a desperate surface engagement. However, those humans of the Redneck tribe with insufficient mechanical aptitude for engineering may include those individuals with a biographical notation including the terms "Hunting" and/or "Fishing." The "Hunters" may prove valuable additions to your Scouts or Snipers. The "Fishers" should be transferred to duties that involve patience coupled with advanced pattern recognition such as Sensor Techs. 3) ON NO ACCOUNT SHOULD YOU EVER TRUST ANY HUMAN WHO UTTERS THE PHRASE "Hold my beer and watch this" WITH ANY POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY! These have self-selected a condition of irresponsibility on the level of the most adolescent of any species we have encountered. No one wants a repeat of the Axos 5 "Stable" Wormhole Implosion EVER AGAIN! Unless it happens in enemy territory, THIS time!
Some humans will procreate with literally anything, regardless of size, shape or material makeup. The exposure of humans to the wider galactic community has cultivated the development of various (and disturbing) "Kinks". Evidence of this behaviour can be found in the unfiltered regions of their internet, and already a vast archives of digital imagery has come to include various members of the community.
"The union will not pay for any psychological damage" that means out there somewhere the union is paying for someone's therapy after they accidently went too deep
Humans, as the rest of the primates, their genetic family on their home planet, have evolved what they call 'hands', which are the end of their superior appendages, and which include fie small 'fingers'. They ue these so called hands to manage items in their daily life, and have evolved accuracy and sensitiveness on them far beyond those of their genetic cousins, which made them highly competent at building tools and weapons when they still weren't in control of their home planet. Today, however, they use their hands to pet creatures, mostly on their heads, from small humans to other fauna from Earth. And truly, the data we got from human researchers is astounding, as there have been reports from domestic animals, such as dogs and cats, to birds, crocodiles, and even some pond fish. They say that, as long as they animal seems 'cute' to them, they'll try to pet them. This research may have cost many humans a hand or two, but it helps us study the psychology of the human brain, as well as the behaviour of many of Earth's fauna. Thus, is recommended not to consider being pet from a human as a threat, as humans may consider certain members of the Union as 'cute'. While this term has not been defined in a definitive way, it seems that in most cases, creatures with large ocular organs, high-pitched voices, and less than 110cm tall fit this term. Beware, though, that humans tend to do this as a lack of respect to the receiver of their petting, as they cannot respect the authority of someone they consider 'cute'. So, HQ recommends that, unless the individual is very close to the human in question, take in mind that it's in the best of your interest to reject the human's petting you, as they may take advantage of you. This is despise how pleasant their petting may feel, as it had been reports of some cases where certain individuals would enjoy so much being pet, that they would start harrassing humans, saying stuff like 'C'mon, pet my head! I know you want to!'. HQ won't stand up with that kind of behavior from any of the Union's members, so we will repeat it to make it clear: DO NOT LET A HUMAN PET YOU.
"If a human pulls out a camera and says "Hi I'm [Insert human name here] And welcome to jackass" you are about to see something colossally insane. We recommend immediate evacuation. "
One advice the author neglected is this, "Never take an insult from a human seriously when delivered with a smile. It's probably just a sick jest, but if not it's too dangerous to accept the proffered offence."
Under no circumstances let a human take over the helm of your spacecraft. While the term "lets take her for a spinn" does not imply heavy rotation of the craft (though instances are reportet occasionaly) A human will most likely overload your engiens and reactos causing considreable damage. Furthermore "Trust me Bro" is not an approved answer if asked for flight license and must be disregarded
NEVER Insult a human or his/her capabilities. While humans have shown time and time again what their minds can accomplish, especially when grouped with other members, if they do perform worse than expected, they should NOT be insulted because of it. Humans have been shown to become quite aggressive when they are looked down upon. And, due to the violent nature of humans, it is generally noted that a violent human should be avoided at most costs.
Notice: don't tell a human they can't do something, it is exactly what they will try to do. Last time someone did that, they almost created a black hole by throwing some human food into the main reactor.
If you see a pair of humans talking about an action with one stating, "You won't," or "no balls," it may often lead to the other stating the word "bet" followed by said action. It is advised to politely excuse yourself from the area and immediately alert local security.
Additional Footnote: In regards to human body functions. We apologize in advance, however, some human bodily functions may be found disgusting or offensive. But please be sure to have your air filter mask available when co-habbing or working along side humans, as it is has been documented that some species may faint from the 'burp' or 'fart' gasses and is all around a terrible smell to experience. As these bodily functions are a normal part of human living, we can only request the humans to be as polite as possible and leaving the room before the bodily function erupts from them. But in some instances, humans may not be able to help the inevitability outcome. In these cases, we please ask that you refrain from inhaling too deeply, maybe leave the area for those of you who breath through your skin.
If a human tells you to, "Hold his/her beer," immediately vacate the area and find a reinforced bunker. Massive property damage is about to happen.
So true al bunker planet works too
was on a "intergalactic larp" And told a grey to hold my beer (USS Interceptor 401, were you there? xD)
Some commander with "vast experience interacting with humans" quickly ordered the complete evacuation of the mess hall for their safety...
Following a brawl match between me and a (very muscular fighting oriented alien i can not remember the name of)
Good times.
Contact a supervisor immediately.
addendum: if they also say "Watch this" call the medical team and security ASAP
not to forget about "aight bet"
Never tell a human that something is impossible, it will only motivate the human to do it faster
Also never try to tell a human it's a bad idea they will most likely want to do it even more
@@Thewanderinglibrary12 You can't POSSIBLY tunnel through the ninth dimension! It's impossible and suicidal!
Two Weeks Later...
@@nuru666 Breaking news: Human tunnels through the dimensional barrier and makes it possible to use the ninth dimension to make what humans call submarines.
@@Kghammond852 Reports now coming in that humans have used this technology to spy on the galactic union and may know every affair currently occurring or having previously occurred. Advertisements may now predict things you want before you even register the feeling of want.
@@nuru666 Banzai!!!
Some humans will see an apex predator and go "it's so cute!" instead of fearing for their life
Keep in mide that humans are an apex predator on their home planet and have a history of taming great beast from their homeworld.
Honestly, the way I see a bear only confirms this.
For blob’s sake, their most popular children’s toy is a stuffed version of a giant carnivore they call “the teddy bear”
The more lethal the predator, the cuter the name it will be given as a pet.
"We call him Sir Fluffymittens..."
The human might wonder: "How will it taste?" and invite you to a so called "Barbecue" later.
An additional footnote to human pets: Do not assume that a human's pet is a living thing. The phenomenon of "pet rocks" is well-documented in the human's information age and continues to this day. It is likely that a human can bond with anything, even a simple chunk of minerals, and as such extreme caution should be taken with a human's possessions.
9 months late, but it honestly amazes me how humans can pack bond with literally anything
Can attest to this, I had a pet rock when I was younger
Dorretta is a FINE Drilldozer! Why *wouldn't* I love 'er?
Testing cannot continue until your Companion Cube has been incinerated.
@@GnarledStaff nO
8:49 "up to the largest carnivores of their home planet"
...
Of course some space Russian brought his pet polar bear for cuddling.
Or a flordia man and his crocodiles
Or Tigers.
Or elephants
@@zoltanmeszaros4684 Elephants are herbavores.
When I move back to Russia I’m going to get a polar bear as a pet
And if the human has a card game called "dueling monsters" or "Magic" do not let them on the solid air holodeck. We still have not located the dark magician
Oh that is rich! Imagine an alien being scared shitless by a Blue-Eyes.
On a side note, the Federation has been considering this "Exodia" as a viable weapon for heavy ground combat.
Honestly, imagine having studied human history to find a weakness. Discovering a solution to finally defeat them. Only to be foiled by a Koribo and a well placed fire ferret
I like the implication that one of the characters came alive and is running around trolling people.
Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker
"never try to eat the animal companion of a human, even their weakest are dangerous when their 'pets' are in danger for any reason. Also, if you succeed in harming the 'pet', the owner will hold a grudge against you."
yup
"Or they will rip you in half"
"Or summarily proceed to beat you to death with either their fists, a tool, or the ship's own bulkhead when they proceed to repeatedly throw you against."
Or, they will attack in retaliation
@@tylerthomason9461 loading shotgun with malicious intent with bfg division in the background
Human: **blares rap god on alien ships speakers**
Aliens: **screams in what the fuck**
Imagine if you're an alien and a gang of teenage humans start singing rap god in sync.
"Screams in what the fuck" PPFFFFFFFFF XD
If that makes the go WTF I would love to see their reaction to Demolisher by Slaughter to Prevail 🤣
but you know that when theres war to be done, there's going to be an awful lot of Sabaton being played.......and then an awful lot of explaining to be done
@George Emme laughs in Meshuggahs "Bleed."
Do not be scared if a human bares its fangs a you, this is called a smile, and on all other species on their home world it is a sign of aggression, however on a human the baring of teeth indicates delight and that the human is in a good mood.
Note when a human finds a situation particularly amusing they will laugh, this involves thier respiratory system convulsing and them making a strange noise. This is perfectly healthy. Please do not alert the medical team if a human is laughing
Also note, whiile laughing a human will uncontrollably bare their teeth. Do not be alarmed.
Note that sometimes a smile is a warning. Please refer to the document labeled "Pranks: (Mostly) Harmless Human Bonding" for more detail
ANd is the start randomly screaming BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, its becasue they missed their morning cofee. this is an ideal time to drop them on a hostile planet to purge the threat there!
note that when a human smiles with a sign of rage in his eyes, an act of aggression has been enacted.
laughing might also mean stuff such as choking or a sign of aggression, so take a close look at the signs
@@ballsacsincorp humans commonly show signs before and after they’ve past their”Breaking point” once a breaking point is reached they will become too unstable and can and will do things conventionally outside of their nature this includes Swearing,incoherent rambling,Lambasting ,xenocide,and other depraved actions
Addendum:This is only a part of the population they can just as easily become self destructive if they are a high value individual this can be infinitely more detrimental than the hostile “Break”
If this "union" has no need for a pancake dimention, then it's not a union of mine!
Long ago the pancake people lived in harmony. Then everything changed when the great devourers attacked.
Agreed, The Pancake Dimension is of utmost importance.
so you want to become a pancake because of mailfunctioning ftl drive? XD
The waffle dimension is superior.
I like the idea that someone was tired and a bit angry so they just modified one of the most advanced tools ever conceived and found a place consisting entirely and solely of pancakes.
Advice 5-A: if a human ask you to play a game of Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Strip Poker, just say no, it hard to explain.
Trust in the spleen of the cards
Especially if that human is 9' tall and wearing gold colored armor.
Except if you need a quick way to the ultamar sector. Then, a children cards game is EXACTLY what you need.
Or 5d chess with multiverse timetravel
ALL HAIL TTS, THE COMING OF KITTEN
"Do NOT attempt to breed with one. If, and that's a BIG if, they're interested, let them make the first move. They react to unprovoked breeding attempts with lethal force."
especially the females.....
@@warrendesonia7924 and more specially the males if you also are a male
@@thereynaldosan7695 i mean if an alien is an arthropod(bug)i would definitely react with lethal force to both,but yeah anyone who's straight would react with lethal force
@@theicyphoenix_7745 Bug people I'd just nope out.. But.. like.. A Vulcan, or Asari or Quarians? Let's go.
trench gun go cht-cht, you get blown to shit.
Alien.whats this human?
Human. Moonshine.
Alien. Swig.
Alien commander. How long has he been in the rafters?
Human.about 2hrs
Alien commander. How much did he have.
Human. A swig
"See sir, I call this blend 'Jenny, Sharin, and Mimi' because it has three 'X's. This also means it is good as fuel for this ship."
Hahahaha fucking moonshine
The question is what type of moonshine
@@Thewanderinglibrary12 *Stares at captain* Yes
Human management officer: We might need to pump his stomach and filter his blood.
If an inebriated human ever asks you to hold his beer and watch this, exit the area immediately and notify ship security.
and a medical team
Elevated rates of fatigue amongst damage control teams have been reported on vessels that have taken on human crew members. Note that some captains have claimed that this trend can be mitigated if the human crew members are disproportionatly assigned to damage control, but so far analysis has been inconclusive.
Can confirm, Human told me to once "Hold my Beer and Watch this, Wimp" and then blew up a planetary system with the click of a button
Me, as the sleep deprived FTL tech: You woke me up at 2am because you "thought I was dead"? On top of that, you had me work _through breakfast time?_ To hell with this...if I can't get pancakes then _I will turn you all into pancakes instead!_
Wait, how do you do italics on youtube?
@@2kkl4wz You put underscores around the text you want to be italicized.
_Amazing_
_Amazing_
_Amazing_
"Never comment on the looks of a human hatchling in the presnce of its parents"
"Unless to say it is pleasing to the eye."
Do not touch humans in a way that they see as aggressive. Results of this action range from the human jumping, which risks injury, to the human pulling out a “firearm”, a kind of kinetic weapon powered by a violent chemical reaction. While very useful when fighting pirates, this device has been responsible for several deaths when the human holding it was startled unnecessarily. We do not need any more ships grounded for cleaning.
@Ford Prefect - GOOD ONE!
I am getting some hitchiker's guide to the galaxy vibes from both this comment and the person who sent it.
Wait hold on; a sleep deprived human engineer discovered a dimension that consists entirely of pancakes...
And didn't get a commendation and a medla of some sort.
Man accidentally solved world hunger by finding an entirely edible plane of existence
Plot twist: There's no other evidence BUT his own words
He actually won three medals and official Canadian citizenship.
The whole thing made the Union diplomats' heads hurt, so they gave up and went home.
Except for Junior Ambassador Thneek, who stayed for the awards banquet, and ate so much he entered hibernation.
(The humans were highly impressed by this, and stated he "really had the spirit of the event".)
They just dont get it
we need a spin off story from the Pancake people about these demons that rip open the fabric of the universe and devoured whole swaths of the population
FTA also: these "HR notes on humans always crack me up.
For the algorithm
Advice for safely interacting with humans: footnote
Even though the Varieties of Human music played aboard ships are restricted, do not start a conversation regarding the quality of said music or what variety, genre, artist, group, holds the highest quality. This is particularly important with the presence of a larger number of humans as they can debate this almost ceaselessly -causing a decline in productivity and can even result in physical altercations. if the latter-most occurs, please get security personnel to intervene rather than doing so yourself; humans can withstand much more of what they inflict on each other than what you can withstand. If the security personel become invested in the brawl, please help with the cleanup.
Additional warning: Contrary to most union member species human do no have a sexual cycle and therefore have to be considered in permanent heat. Previously fleet command considered that fact irrelevant due to strongly dissimilar appearance of member species and therefore lack of attraction. 135 instances proved this hypothesis incorrect.
If there's a hole then there's a way.
Humans will fuck everything
If there’s a whole there’s a goal
Subject one (1) of two (2) of instance 36 here, i have no regrets.
If one wishes to uncover some of the strange psychology behind this, one may ask the human about what is deemed “The 34th Rule” in human society and especially on the human internet. However, be warned that this may cause mass psychological damage and you should be wary when listening.
I know of several species who think we’re irresistibly cute. Please abstain from picking us up, coddling us, petting us or cooing at us. Please remember we are highly intelligent sentient animals and we consider such behavior disrespectful unless we are feeling playful. Some species may also wish to inform a Human of their physical and psychological vulnerabilities before engaging in play with them to avoid harm.
Edit: I just learned the hard way that Norians can experience physiological damage from exhaustion while at the pool. Thankfully, Trills When Eating didn’t drown. And a xenophysician happened to be there. I recommend explaining to those with whom you play that Humans have a uniquely high endurance.
Oh........he does not bite......yes I do.
@@hdcandela5697 Please remember that idiots who think we need constant pets are people too. I just politely explain matters to them, and it never really gets out of hand.
@@hdcandela5697 "He doesn't bite."
'Watch me.'
"HUMAN FRANK NO"
@@krel7160 HUMAN FRANK YES!!!
Frank: Note to self, the Crus'tasian taste like fermented crab fat.
Be advised that humans tend to use what would be considered vulgar language as expressions and most do not actually want to wish to engage in intercourse with other species. Keyword being 'most' so caution is recommended.
An additional footnote: due to it's generic coloration, human blood has, on occasion, been confused with that of other sapient species. The results were gruesome, as the immune system cells ate those who received the blood. The results were 12 comas and 87 fatalities. Always test blood samples to see which species it came from.
Side Note:
Humans are most dangerous in one of three states; the, so called, "rage state" in which a human disregards self-preservation in order to eliminate the threat.
The "cold state" in which a human becomes silent, patient, and maliciously ruthless.
...and finally, the "bored state" in which a human disregards self-preservation in the pursuit of entertainment.
Addendum:
Apparently, the "bored state" leads to more wanton destruction, in response all human quarters are to be fitted with monitors capable of reading human media.
Addendum 2:
Apparently, the humans have already solved the problem by re-engineering common ship monitors to be compatible with an entertainment device referred to as a "console." Also, out of boredom.
Boredom is a way to progress
Addendum 3: various non human crew members have requested for these systems to also be retrofitted to there monitor after visit to human corters , do to current negotiations with union investors and human companies, this is being considered and will go into effect in the coming 30 solar rotation period
Gamers are ETERNAL
Never demand a human to put down their own personal weapons. Explain why they "should not" practice with them inside. Always knock, identify yourself, and ask to enter, before entering a human home for the same reason. When visiting more natural and less developed worlds on diplomatic and relief missions, remind humans that some beings are not for cooking on a fire and eating.
Should a human ever utter the phrases: "Hey y'all, watch this!", "Hold my Beer.", or anything remotely similar: Try to talk them out of it or failing that, Run! For all their advancement, Humans have a bizarre tendency to try to test firmly established scientific principles of physics in a ritual called "Showing off". The result can be something as relatively minor as a fall only effecting the human, but could very well be something as catastrophic as explosive drive failure and exposure to vacuum. Despite what a Human who has just proven that the Laws of Physics still apply may say about the activity being "Dumb", it is currently believed that the Ritual in question might in fact be partly responsible for large portions of Human Scientific development.1
1 Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to partake in this ritual yourself. It is poorly understood at this point and requires much further testing under controlled conditions.
@@SwordlordRoy note if any human says the phrase "what can go wrong" or "what's the worst that can happen?" assume the worst outcome and alert command at once
The ritual of showing off becomes even more problematic when females of the species are nearby.
Early studies have suggested this may be a preliminary part of human mating rituals.
@@SwordlordRoy In addition, if they ask if you "wanna bet?" They are not actually asking and you should ensure that your will is up to date...
I'm pretty sure that this advice would apply only to humans who have migrated from an area formerly known as the United States of America.
They got FTL with vista? That is bloody impressive
"The Calculation of our FTL-coordinates will take roughly four standard days"
it didn't say how good their hardware is. Only what their software was like. Vista or not isn't going to be as important to how fast a system can run as what the hardware can do. Even if a bad OS could waste some of the processing power a computer could have used on something useful.
I think they were referring to the stability and security of the OS more than its capability. There are systems that can do a lot but are extremely fragile.
" 'what operating system does it use?' 'Vista' 'WERE GOING TO DIE ROY!' "
@@mr.k4918 Windows Vista.
Only marginally better than MS DOS.
Addendum 1: If any crew feels a need to attend a human festival known as a "metal concert", please file a contract of inheritance before hand. For safety reasons avoid any festival rituals called "mosh pits", "walls of death", "circle pits", or "pogoing", do not be afraid to decline participating in these rituals the humans will not be offended, though they may tease you and call you a series of less than polite nicknames, usually associated with a human genitalia.
Addendum 2: There is also usage of psychoactive substances at these festivals, generally used through igniting a small cylinder of paper with a substance called "marijuana", "weed", "pot", "Mary Jane" and many other names inside of it. While the effects of this substance to our people is unknown, it is STRONGLY RECOMMENDED that you avoid it until it's effects can be studied more in depth, however if you are to partake of it please report to the nearest medical facility for medical study, especially if you feel ill because of it. Normal side effects, on Humans, include a feeling of happiness, calmness, increased apatite, dry mouth, coughing and uncontrolled bouts of "giggling".
@gearsfan6669 further addendum: this plant can also cause humans to entire a relaxed state which aids in sleep. This sleep is even deeper than what they attain normally and SHOULD NOT BE DISTURBED.
Good gods I hate how groggy I get lol
@@Darqshadow facts
If a human should identify themselves as an 'artist' know that they are a kind of astetic engineer, and it is wise to inquire what kind of artist they are. Visual and musical (auditory) artists are, physically speaking, safe to engage with (1). Motion, physical, and martial (yes, meaning war) artists are not (2).
1. This may not apply to those who perceive more than three dimensions, and/or with more than the standard five senses.
2. The human endoskeleton is far more durable than their fleshy exterior, and its structure affords the well-practiced a range of motion and elastic-kenetic power beyond what should be feasible for their size.
Furthermore, humans bodies are restrained by their own unconscious cognitive functions to maintain continued health. In times of great stress, the human brain releases several chemicals and hormones causing, among other things, unrestrained use of physical strength, increased cognitive speed, and reduction in instincts for self preservation. Caution is advised.
Such way to describe this phenomenon are either “adrenaline rush” or “hysterical strength”.
Be aware the this activates 100% of a humans muscle strength, which can cause great harm to those they are against as even their own bodies can suffer injuries from such exertion.
(Everyone must be made aware that on regular occasions, a human body only uses 65% of its muscle strength. Both to save energy and to protect themselves)
Martial artists are usually safe to deal with as they consider it bad form to start fights.
Visual and musical artists are not always that safe to engage with. Human visual artists often use a shocking amount of highly toxic compounds in the creation of their "art", often to the detriment of their own health and safety. As for musicians, see reference video: "Rammstein".
I can honestly picture an alien being confused as fuck when hearing this anouncement, to then being reminded of the anouncement when chased down the corridor screaming while something called 'bull-dog' is tear assing behind it
oh the human who called his pet cat murder mittens. A Tiger.
HQ wants to remind all military personnel that during combat situations humans will often laugh in the face of death.
To avoid another Calorian Incident, Galactic Military Federation HQ is mandating that all Officers of Command level and all combat NCO's are reminded that humans have something they call "a sense of humor". This has caused some confusion from time to time... As we all know.
If there are humans, even only one or two, under your command, do not be surprised to find a Slirean slime worm in your sleeping quarters. If you do find yourself the victim of human humor, do not retaliate! Smile and laugh like you mean it. Because, humans judge each other on their ability to "take a joke". If you survive(d) the joke, realize that you are now 'one of the gang' and the very same human(s) who joked you will now defend you to the death.
FOOTNOTE: For those inclined to retaliate in kind for such 'pranks' [sic], such is not forbidden, but the unit in question can and should be mindful that the human will see this as competitive action and escalate accordingly.
After becoming one of "The Gang", you may find yourself encouraged to engage in this same "pranking" behaviour. It is recommended to give a good natured attempt as humans dislike those who don't have any "sense of humour". However it is recommended that you consider the potential mental or physical harm of such activities and suggest minimally injurious jokes, as some humans struggle to identify when they are taking things to far.
Some generally recommended jokes are:
• Placing a balloon cushion which produces a sound and or smell when squeezed on the targets chair.
• Giving a human a dessert beverage topped with dental paste in place of cream.
• Attaching a piece of paper to the back of the target reading "I've just been pranked" without them noticing.
While frustrating, these activities will prove minimally harmful and should allow the target to gain easy admittance to "The Gang". You should additionally expect the humans to encourage the target to prank you in retaliation. The correct response is to act like you don't expect it, and after it has happened, laugh it off, saying something to the effect of "Fair's fair", then show a sign of familial or close platonic affection to the one who pranked you (humans generally consider handshakes or hugs to be appropriate, but if these are inappropriate for either of you it is advised to use something amenable to both parties).
@@DinnerForkTonguebut it didn’t specify the terms of the retaliation, so don’t do pranks on aliens, because they could retaliate with an exterminatus on the entire planet.
2 qualities of Humans need to be kept in mind for any long-term dangerous mission.
1) Humans, despite their soft, fleshy exterior, are quite durable and can withstand injuries far beyond what most Galactic Union member species can.
2) Humans will pack bond with any group they are in contact with [side note: there are even recorded incidences of kidnappees & kidnappers bonding] for a sufficient time.
Given these two facts it is quite possible that a Human will voluntarily place him or herself in a situation that will severely injure and even kill the Human, in order to ensure the safety of its "pack". Do not depend on your perceived invincibility of the Human to save the crew. He or she isn't invincible but will still sacrifice themselves for their new 'family'. You will discover that not only has the Human pack bonded with you, you have bonded with him or her. The emotional pain you experience will most likely be beyond anything you have ever suffered.
If, however, the ship finds itself in dire circumstances expect the Human to sacrifice himself. Keep in mind that this is the highest expression of love the Human can honor you with. In turn honor the Human in your own cultural methods, and be proud that you became his family. And yes, it will still hurt.
Beutiful.
Addendum
Be aware that humans are the only member species of the Union which is known to continue fighting despite suffering 70%+ level of casualities. Because of that it is highly advised that humans should only be given command of the fleet in the direst of circumstances.
While such self-sacrificial behaviour is more common in male Humans than female, that does not mean that it is unheard of among females: especially when juveniles are involved.
Addendum: male Humans are also stronger and tougher than female Humans - this is in contrast to many other species, and has to do with the high energy requirements of their brains combined with the beginning of their species' life cycle.
Do you have some pseudo first hand experience? Are you ok?
Gotta admit, it made me tear up a bit
Yes, humans can eat everything, and given enough time and spices, might make it delicious. This doesn't mean you can eat it too. Sorry.
Additional avoid getting covered in any of their spices especially when they are under the effects of sleep deprivation they may eat you yes even if you do have poison/vemon in yourself humans like to intoxicate themselves for fun
No, not hakarl...
@@Nopenguin4875 Humans also like the appeal of the dangerous chemical known as capsaicin, which is highly toxic to most other species.
Please also note that humans regularly consume caffeine as a stimulant. They are able to a much larger quantity than any other species and medical staff may not be informed if a human is seen consuming this liquid that is otherwise used as a pesticide.
Please note, some humans are more eccentric than others, and once feeling comfortable can reveal themselves as being quite unusual in their practices and/or casual behavior and activity
I wonder what would be a alien’s reaction to the human’s wide scale pornography of many things.
Probably be traumatized
@@csmrookie9600 Especially one staring your mother
@@ryantomer4126 *TF2 INTENSIFIES*
Note on pets: The Terran lifeform known as an "alligator", while large, is perfectly harmless and you should cuddle it.
Similar to the alligator, crocodiles, bears, and most relatively large animals are safe to touch.
As long as you have food.
If you do not have food, it’s fine!
They see plenty regardless.
If a human says, "pull my finger". Don't!
the gases may be lethal to some species...
Advice 4a: When Specialist Skippy has a bottle of "Cool Mint Listerine", management is advised to confiscate said bottle, as the last time Skippy had replaced the contents with green food coloring and the aforementioned colorless alcohol.
huh, wonder if thats how some underage students were able to smuggle alcohol onto my former Job Corps campus. Me? I just poured my cheap ass whiskey (or wine) into a giant mug and just strolled back on campus and just raised an eyebrow at campus security.
.
.
.
of course it helped that I was one of the few that didn't cause trouble so they let me get away with it XD
They were too busy trying to get the 6 pack of beer from the guy that's over 6 ft tall and built like a linebacker.... there's a reason we called him Bear.
@@Katzztar Huh... which Campus did you go to?... I have a feeling I remember that incident.
@@Cyroill Ah that was the Guthrie Job Corps, about 75 mi north of OKC. Bear is/was a tall native American, over 6 ft tall. One of the guards I'd talk to told me about the incident, Bear was in the boys restroom with a 6pack and a instructor called for the guard to take he booze away. Guard went in, looked at just how big Bear was, walked back out and said he wasn't paid enough to mess with him. Funny thing was that Bear was really laid back and not hostile guy, like a loveable oversized teddy bear.
I can't remember which tribe he was from but one of his best friends was called Yellow Eyes. When someone asked why he was called that he replied that he was so drunk and full of piss it made his eyes yellow.
@@Katzztar I may be 10 months late to this, but a funny story about a guy from my former school, letting call him Steve:
Steve was about 7 ft/2meters tall, absolute unit and build like the Mountain. This guy literally broke down a whole wooden wall in a classroom and landed on the hallway, beat up 2 guys at once while using their 3rd friend as a weapon and breaking the arm of another student during dodgeball by throwing the ball too hard.
All in all, nobody wanted to mess with this guy, he was wholesome and friendly most of the time, but you really didn't want to mess with him.
He would come drunk to class regularly and teachers just ignored it because he never made trouble during class, was a smart student and all.
Well, except for one new teacher.
It was his first day, the teacher being shorter than pretty much anyone in the class (like 5'2/1,6m) and the first thing he does is shout at Steve for smelling like alcohol.
Steve just locks eyes with him, slowly stands up and remains like this for a second with a literal death stare.
Alcohol can be a b*tch and I think it's reasonable schools ban it
Unfiltered internet is too much for those innocent intergalactic eyes XD
It's not only for aliens...
@@Sharkakaka True, but we humans are at least aware of the "dangers" of the internet and approach it with some caution. Those poor intergalactic species wouldn't know what hit them if they were allowed unfiltered access. It is a rabbit hole they are not prepared for. Just the weird side of YT would be too much, I think. XD
heh they would have to change the things that say "are you 18+" to "are you at the age of maturity designated by your species and are willing to accept the risk of physiological damage to yourself"
@@geoshark12 hahahahhahaha that could work, yeah
I’m just scared of the rule 34 applying to this. Just seeing your species being depicted in that way by another. Poor aliens
The alcohol one just screams "I will drink your entire alien species under the Galactic table"
Sounds like they have done already.
@@JaxMerrick Clearly that's how we won out place at the table. 🤣
Additional footnote: When investigating human history, please maintain some form of comfort nearby, and obtain the contact information of a reliable therapist beforehand. This is particularly recommended when studying colonialism, the world wars, slavery, the Mongols, Manifest Destiny, and the Aztecs. Actually, just avoid studying the Aztecs.
What’s wrong with the aztecs?*
@@songatoredenscio2416 Just ask anyone ever conquered by the Aztecs.
difficult to ask someone who has had there heart expertly removed
@@songatoredenscio2416 There's a reason why 100,000 natives followed Cortez into conquering the Aztec Empire.
@@thehumanoddity envy
"I can't shut it down!" "What operating system is it?" "Uhhh... Vista" "WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"
Advice #10
Some humans posses a something called a “Mental Disorder” which causes their brain to function in different ways. Some common ones you may encounter are OCD, basically they are perfectionists. ADD, essentially thay have some difficulty focusing on things they find boring or uninteresting. ADHD, same thing as before but they tend to get random bursts of energy and get hyper fixated on certain things. But also know that ADHD suffering humans are wild and unpredictable. Always be calm and cautious around them. You may encourage their Hyperactivity. We aren’t ready for that. Not after the last time where someone ended up trying to fight an ADHD human. The human walked away slightly bruised but left the instigator hospitalized for 3 “months” as the humans call it. Needless to say don’t mess with them. It’s not worth the risk.
Please be advised that humans are pack oriented, they will bond emotionally to fellow humans, animals outside their own species and even non living (assortments of items may vary) things.
It is then that we remind everyone in a species whom may operate with limited emotional intentions that if a human
A. Seeks to follow you outside mandatory operations and work hours
B. Has their pitch increase in speed and tone around you specifically
C. Initiate verbal communications with you or offer to share their personal time with your company
Then it is not a sign of strategic information gathering or the human forgetting past experiences with you but rather the human has seemingly bonded to you and considers you “one of them” this is amongst humans a sign of companionship they call “friends” and is a honoured and cherished position amongst human societies.
However if in any case the human makes you uncomfortable many will often comprehend your wishes and remove themselves from you(any refusal should be reported immediately to social resources)
However if the initiation is in fact appreciated than please read these articles and material on how to cooperate and improve your interaction with any humans in your life.
Advice: Humans are known for being a species that gets attached easily and can bond with anything, however a human may bond too much with other species, in the case of an anatomy close to their own humans call them "furries", and develop attraction to an individual from another species, if the crewmember are willing there is no problem in engaging in a romantic relationship with a human, for the most part, but be warned that the majority of humans are territorial and may become highly jealous of their partners.
Do not cheat on a human. They may seek revenge after this and the union will not intervene as more people would get hurt with this and we don't want THAT incident to repeat itself.
johnny just beat someone to death over his catgirl girlfriend getting railed.
Oki
Haha XCOM Viper go ssss
This is so western-centric it's funny
@@joriankell1983 You know Asia has furries too.
Human Relationships: While not strictly prohibited, it is highly unadvised if you are not a humanoid of a similar size. While genetic compatibility is still being researched, research into the human internet (See above for a refresher) shows that human imagination for interpersonal behavior can be odd.
If you and a human partner wants to try something, ensure both parties are safe. Medical bills will be deducted from your and your partner's pay if either of you receive injuries. If one partner dies during private interpersonal relationship rituals, the survivor can face criminal charges.
To understand why this needs to be stated, please refer to Incident V. Stomach acid is nothing to scoff at.
Advice: Management has concluded that due to the human's ability to weaponize almost anything, that any exotic materials requested by the human has to be approved by management. We would like to avoid another instance of a superbomb created by a human looking for smoothie recepies.
Alien offers me coffee
Me a British person: *visible discust*
Imagine losing millions of credits because you challenged a human to a game of poker
I can only imagine the excited techie who got his hands on the first copy of the translated alien BIOS, only to look at it for a few minutes, have a terrible epiphany, call his friend, and just say, "Dude, they're basically using Vista, running on _qubits"_
Advice 7.
Christ, we really would turn any carnivorous monster into our own pets, wouldn't we?
yup
Not even a Question, Hell i can imagine we'll end up with a Giant pet Centipede almost as long as a croc and twice as wide
I mean if it has fur it will be instantly be seen as cute so yea. We will pact bond with the 6legged 4 eyed hyper preditor with 2 mouths.
And yes it may have to do something that they look a bit like wolfs...
Yes.
Hey…. If it likes pets, we pet!
Addendum: While human engineers are very competent, do not leave them alone. Human engineers, especially if they are from the [countries] of Brazil or Russia. Somehow, even if their languages are completely different, they can understand each other and build. Let the last lab explosion be the LAST! the humans weren't even harmed by it and the explosion cost way too much in credits!
I would like to add a piece of advice to prevent further accidents involving miss-placed tooling. If you hold your races' equivalent to a QMED rating aboard ship, do not under ANY circumstances borrow or use any tool a human engineer has in their possession without first garnering EXPLICIT verbal permission from the individual, as many bring a personal assortment of maintenance tools and apparatus. It should be noted that many human personnel will react somewhat violently if they perceive a tool has gone missing. This state can only be fully rectified by both the immediate and unconditional return of the item in question, as well as the procurement of either a caffeinated or alcoholic beverage (as the situation permits) for the offended party.
I am a human and I can neither confirm or deny that following these guidelines will ensure your physical and/or psychological safety/wellbeing will be guaranteed.
Notice delta: Until further notice humans are not allowed to serve on vessel that have vulpi crews, due to the the similarities they share with a wild animal called a fox on their homeworld, & likewise humans shareing the looks of the apex super predator on the Vulpi homeworld.
Finds out it's the same plant: face-palms
Furries about to go to a union ship with a vulpi crew:
Noooooooo!!!!!
Oh my goodness gracious
advice 11: if you make a living off of doing art be warned of human commissioners , they may ask for you to draw porn unless you state otherwise somewhere ( even then they still may ask) , confirm that they can pay with money some will want to pay with "exposer" which is not a currency , either have them pay upfront or half before half after
The aliens probably wouldn't think human porn is strange
Probably, but we have invented some many kinks, that even death is another kink of ours.
I feel like these advices should also state how some Humans prefer Tea to Coffee. Waking someone like me early and then offering them a Liquid that tastes like burned dishwashing soap instead of a nice cup of tea would be a grave mistake.
you clearly have never had a cup of good coffee, and while i can respect your choice of beverage i ask you refrain from insulting mine
@@geoshark12 I did not intend to insult anyone i was just a bit Hyperbolic for the sake of humour. A local brand makes a pretty good triple shot espresso which i quite like and which i drink sometimes but for normal consumption i try not to use sugar or sweetener and i also don't like drinks with warm milk in it (Except warm milk with honey) and i have yet to drink a black coffee that doesn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Coffee just tastes like someone steeped tree bark in boiling water to me. Weak tree bark, at that
Weak coffee is no better than burnt dish soap. Real ship's coffee must have the thickness of used engine oil and taste of diesel fuel.
@@Jorakful I start with a darker roast and soften it for later consumption over the course of the day.
Nothing wakes you up quite as effectively as the taste of glassed earth, but I'm a little bitch when it comes to bitterness in my food and drink.
Advise on the subject of human speech: Be advised that humans will occasionally engage in an activity known as "sarcasm". It is marked by deliberate changes to speech patterns, such as changes in tone and inflection, or beginning a sentence with phrases like "yeah, right". This is common behavior, motivated by frustration and/or disbelief. In such situations, what is said is opposite of what is meant to be understood. Do not submit humans for psychological evaluation when engaging in this behavior, as it will further provoke anger and frustration
Be sure any new regulations are as air tight as possible. Humans are experts at finding loopholes.
Subject Omicron: To all Federation captains If your human crew member asks about Hollow-weed, tell them it is forbidden on ship, we are still having sliven priests trying to cleanse the Federation ship Grrkek of demons after Major Tom dressed up like a ghost for this Hollow-weed nearly killed the crew with pure fear.
If a human ever refers to you as "buddy" in an aggressive manner, you most certainly will not be actually considered as such (1). Instances where such a term has been uttered usually result in bodily harm to all those involved except for the human, who is almost always the instigator of such violence. (2) Just because they evolved without an exoskeleton and require garments to protect themselves doesn't mean they are harmless - far from it, actually.
1. Only assume that the human in question is using the term in a friendly manner if you are already acquainted with them and are on good terms.
2. This is to be of particular note if the location of the instance is within a terrestrial traffic zone, where a phenomenon among human drivers known as "road rage" is reported within certain individuals.
If a human says, "Hey, watch this!" Make sure that all safety protocols, and impact mitigation systems are online, and fully operational.
Prayers for divine intervention are optional.
I have discovered that humans will commonly practice this technique of increasing muscle mass called exercise. This will commonly lead to the humans body heat increasing drastically and their breathing becoming very heavy. This is not the symptoms of a disease(though it can be if they haven’t been that active) and is just their body removing excess heat.
They got me with the comparison to the Windows Vista OS.
these aliens are soo doomed
lets just make sure they upgrade to windows 7 and no farther
Add to advice 4. If you meet the human group calling themselfes as "Poles" it is highly recommendet to avoid drinking with them. By Union standards their alcohol is classified as short-range rocket fuel.
As a human expert, I'd recommend teaching crewmembers about gestures and words/sentences, that humans dislike.
nah, lemme flip off the aliens that piss me off
Don't eat the humans pets
We lost a ship due to this
Only one ship?
That human must've hated that pet.
Probably he set off the self destruct as an act of revenge and suicide.
FOR FLUFFY!!!
Bartholomew chungass the 3 here i come my sweet prince (ninite bomb goes off)
the humans throwing the worst possible insult at alien os... nice
Well I for one can't wait for 1st contact. So many slurs to throw at some xeno politicians.
ms dos is the worst insult.
vista is a close second though.
@@electricheisenberg5723 windows ME is an insult too
10:17 this is just good advice over all, the internet is a Pandora's box just _begging_ to be opened
HQ would also advise that when a human asks you to pull their finger, you are advised to not do this - particularly if you are sensitive to smell. Humans can sometimes expel toxic gasses via some form of trigger in their finger. This has been proven to be exacerbated by some human foods being ingested - particularly what is called "Daves' curry". Fleet command would like to avoid a repitition of the gas warfare alert panic which recently resulted in many unecessary casualties.
Advice from human female to non-humans: if you smell blood on a human female but see no wounds don't ask directly.
that depends due to people not even noticing they have been hurt , but probably safer that way
@@geoshark12 true.
The correct question is "are you injured? Answer only with yes or no."
@@nullpoint3346 very true 👍.
Lol
recently found HFY stuff because of you and for sombody like me who barely reads i havent read so much in 2 weeks! thank you
It's like refinding your greatest fandom.
As fan of TF2, it is a LOT of flattery
Yeah, I read a ton as a kid but later on due to excessive partying and later on dealing with addiction and developing an anxiety disorder I had trouble focusing well enough to read for any long periods but HFY stories have been great thanks to usually being made up of smaller chapters so I've been able to steadily grow the length of the periods I read and yesterday I read for over four hours straight which was amazing!
Maybe with a little more training I can get back to the book a day pace I had in my early teens (although I doubt I will be able to dedicate whole days to nothing but reading because of all the boring adulting I have to do now in my 30s but one can dream)
10:15 THEY AGREED TO NOT PLAY METAL?!
What kind of "unholy confession" is this
It really makes me want to "rage against the machine" you know
I don't care what you do but i will fight for my right to listen to metal because "Nothing else matters"
I am ready to take "alien weaponry" in my own hands for this"!
key word in public , you would still be able to listen to in with earphones , just not a speaker when not on earth
@@geoshark12 well at least they left me "A little peace of heaven" But metal shall be "Avenged Sevenfold!"
I will take not listening to Metal if I never have to hear a Hip-Hop "song" every again.
@@KenobiSon oh! ooooh you didn't!
OH you "No Name" you did not just insult rap! you can freely do that "Without me"
because you can be sure I'll do "All I can" to make sure that doesn't happen
XD
Yeah, I made the mistake of playing The Hu whilst offworld. You ever seen a wall built between planets?
Idk why but all these videos or story’s that are just a list of rules (whether it be for humans or how to interact with them) are some of my favorite
Lying to the Galactic Federation that our most advanced computer is Windows Vista might be the most "human" thing possible. I can only imagine the impending chaos.
They have FTL travel on OS roughly the equivalent of Windows Vista? Lord have mercy on their IT crew smh.
lol
Crew member should never participate in a human drinking contest without a valid contract of inheritance XD this is the one that got me
Sudden notice to all fellow human crew members. I don’t want to keep reminding you why we should be careful with our choice of words around the other members of the union crews. We’ve already had Phil and Dave turned into a dehydrated cubes after that incident. Fortunately they did give us instructions on how to reverse the process. I still want to remind you all that we should remain in good favor with them as I feel this could help not just ours but many other intelligent species moving forward that is all.
I know it's late, but just had to add that the acronym DAU is used in german(y) and stands for "Dummster anzunehmender User" roughly translates to stupidest expected user. It's used in the context of that the cause of errors is usually in front of the keyboard.
I don’t know what’s stranger: the fact that a space faring races operating system is comparable to windows vista, or that fact even with better operating systems, humanity still hadnt become a space faring race until this moment XD
Additional Addendums:
1) Humans of the tribe "Scotts" should be inducted into your warrior class without delay. Do not, on any account, deny them access to their traditional weapons in addition to whatever your standard deployment armament may be. Those "ancestral weapons" may include close-combat edged weapons which will rapidly become respected side-arms by your troops, as well as sonic weapons with a wide-field range--called "Pipes and Drums" which may induce psychological damage to enemy forces at a distance.
2) Humans of the sub-tribe "Rednecks" should be inducted into your engineering class--with proper supervision, of course. Those self-identifying as a deeper sub-class called "Farm-boys" may prove to be savants capable of intuitive leaps of logic and engineering which has proven to advance the arts of improvised munitions as well as ground vehicle design which may--in time of great need--spell the difference between inevitable defeat and almost inexplicable victory in a desperate surface engagement. However, those humans of the Redneck tribe with insufficient mechanical aptitude for engineering may include those individuals with a biographical notation including the terms "Hunting" and/or "Fishing." The "Hunters" may prove valuable additions to your Scouts or Snipers. The "Fishers" should be transferred to duties that involve patience coupled with advanced pattern recognition such as Sensor Techs.
3) ON NO ACCOUNT SHOULD YOU EVER TRUST ANY HUMAN WHO UTTERS THE PHRASE "Hold my beer and watch this" WITH ANY POSITION OF RESPONSIBILITY! These have self-selected a condition of irresponsibility on the level of the most adolescent of any species we have encountered. No one wants a repeat of the Axos 5 "Stable" Wormhole Implosion EVER AGAIN! Unless it happens in enemy territory, THIS time!
Some humans will procreate with literally anything, regardless of size, shape or material makeup. The exposure of humans to the wider galactic community has cultivated the development of various (and disturbing) "Kinks".
Evidence of this behaviour can be found in the unfiltered regions of their internet, and already a vast archives of digital imagery has come to include various members of the community.
"The union will not pay for any psychological damage" that means out there somewhere the union is paying for someone's therapy after they accidently went too deep
Humans, as the rest of the primates, their genetic family on their home planet, have evolved what they call 'hands', which are the end of their superior appendages, and which include fie small 'fingers'. They ue these so called hands to manage items in their daily life, and have evolved accuracy and sensitiveness on them far beyond those of their genetic cousins, which made them highly competent at building tools and weapons when they still weren't in control of their home planet.
Today, however, they use their hands to pet creatures, mostly on their heads, from small humans to other fauna from Earth. And truly, the data we got from human researchers is astounding, as there have been reports from domestic animals, such as dogs and cats, to birds, crocodiles, and even some pond fish. They say that, as long as they animal seems 'cute' to them, they'll try to pet them. This research may have cost many humans a hand or two, but it helps us study the psychology of the human brain, as well as the behaviour of many of Earth's fauna.
Thus, is recommended not to consider being pet from a human as a threat, as humans may consider certain members of the Union as 'cute'. While this term has not been defined in a definitive way, it seems that in most cases, creatures with large ocular organs, high-pitched voices, and less than 110cm tall fit this term.
Beware, though, that humans tend to do this as a lack of respect to the receiver of their petting, as they cannot respect the authority of someone they consider 'cute'. So, HQ recommends that, unless the individual is very close to the human in question, take in mind that it's in the best of your interest to reject the human's petting you, as they may take advantage of you. This is despise how pleasant their petting may feel, as it had been reports of some cases where certain individuals would enjoy so much being pet, that they would start harrassing humans, saying stuff like 'C'mon, pet my head! I know you want to!'. HQ won't stand up with that kind of behavior from any of the Union's members, so we will repeat it to make it clear: DO NOT LET A HUMAN PET YOU.
oh my god
imagine turning a sapient being into your pet
Idk I respect bears but would still let them have my arm XD
"If a human pulls out a camera and says "Hi I'm [Insert human name here] And welcome to jackass" you are about to see something colossally insane. We recommend immediate evacuation. "
This reminded me when my little sister asked me to wake her early, never knew a human could throw a punch so quick and accuractly in their sleep 😂
Apparently, we keep even the largest predators of our home planet as pets. I'm off to the pet shop to aquire a pod of sperm whales.
The mess those would cause on a water bound species starship makes me think this is why they added that one.
If you hear a Human yell, "Hey y'all watch this" it is best to call medical staff immediately.
It’ll probably be smarter to evacuate the area and never return.
9) If a human says ' _I'll show you mine if you show me yours_ ' just DON'T.
One advice the author neglected is this, "Never take an insult from a human seriously when delivered with a smile. It's probably just a sick jest, but if not it's too dangerous to accept the proffered offence."
Under no circumstances let a human take over the helm of your spacecraft.
While the term "lets take her for a spinn" does not imply heavy rotation of the craft (though instances are reportet occasionaly) A human will most likely overload your engiens and reactos causing considreable damage.
Furthermore "Trust me Bro" is not an approved answer if asked for flight license and must be disregarded
NEVER Insult a human or his/her capabilities.
While humans have shown time and time again what their minds can accomplish, especially when grouped with other members, if they do perform worse than expected, they should NOT be insulted because of it. Humans have been shown to become quite aggressive when they are looked down upon. And, due to the violent nature of humans, it is generally noted that a violent human should be avoided at most costs.
Safe interaction with Humans. Footnote:
Do not attempt to make "a bigger stick".
Alien computer systems run on Vista?!
No wonder an I-mac caused the alien mothership to lock up in Independence Day!
3:15 I WANT THAT DIMENSION!!!!
the first one sounds like it was installed cuz humans werent getting enough sleep and were getting quite cranky
Freaking insectoid ships without concept of sleep! :D
Nodding along until number 8. This silence offends Slaneesh, tHiNgS wIlL gEt LoUdEr Now!
the DAU fee had me dying. Took about a half a second of thought to figure out what it meant now my coworkers are wondering what im cackling about.
Addicted to these! I love HFY, and your voice is perfect for storytelling!
Glad you are enjoying the content
Notice: don't tell a human they can't do something, it is exactly what they will try to do. Last time someone did that, they almost created a black hole by throwing some human food into the main reactor.
If you see a pair of humans talking about an action with one stating, "You won't," or "no balls," it may often lead to the other stating the word "bet" followed by said action. It is advised to politely excuse yourself from the area and immediately alert local security.
Additional Footnote: In regards to human body functions. We apologize in advance, however, some human bodily functions may be found disgusting or offensive. But please be sure to have your air filter mask available when co-habbing or working along side humans, as it is has been documented that some species may faint from the 'burp' or 'fart' gasses and is all around a terrible smell to experience. As these bodily functions are a normal part of human living, we can only request the humans to be as polite as possible and leaving the room before the bodily function erupts from them. But in some instances, humans may not be able to help the inevitability outcome. In these cases, we please ask that you refrain from inhaling too deeply, maybe leave the area for those of you who breath through your skin.
poor xenos
Warning, if a human gets upset while working on something and yells "Where is my hammer?" leave the area at once or risk injury.