This was my first thought, too. I was trapped in clutter long before I experienced narcissistic abuse. I grew up in trauma and chaos and have always been a mess.
@@jessiematthews6339 no worries.😉 We all get hit with baggage in our lives. Welcome to the human race. Good luck in your struggles. 🙂🍀👍🏼 Move closer to God 🕊🤍 and God will come closer to you 👩🏻🦰🕊
Its brutal , its criminal. Anyone whose been through this feels drained and lifeless. I find calm with nature , the stillness , the breeze , the sunshine and the rain helped me deep within. ❤
Bird watching, photographing flowers, sun exposure…good reading ( personally, I find reading best outside, possibly because I’m away from my clutter? )
As a 67 year old woman who was held in check by Narcississtic parents and then a husband, I always knew it was weird holding on to some of these old things... even the case of my favorite empty blue liquid eyeliner that I used Sr. Year in high school. That was the best year of my life. As I face my fears, my past, forgive those who hurt me, and gradually CLEAN OUT MY CLOSETS, I am finally healing. But with a lot of prayer for help too.
We can almost be twins. Same narc mom, narc grandma we lived with, then married a monster for 41 years. I’m doing the same, cleaning out boxes and closets and even entire rooms. I now have sunlight coming through the windows and birds singing (I buy sunflower 🌻 seed for them, because it makes ME HAPPY) God is good, finally. But I do wish for more friendships, I wish we could talk more 🥰
We can almost be twins. Same narc mom, narc grandma we lived with, then married a monster for 41 years. I’m doing the same, cleaning out boxes and closets and even entire rooms. I now have sunlight coming through the windows and birds singing (I buy sunflower 🌻 seed for them, because it makes ME HAPPY) God is good, finally. But I do wish for more friendships, I wish we could talk more 🥰
@susanwallcraft and keep a few items that are special to you. Maybe a shadow box with a few items behind glass, just for you, to look at when needed. As I heal more every day, I find I can let go of more and more things that don’t matter…. And keep those that give warmth and smiles. ( I happily burned my wedding album, I did keep a few pictures, what a glorious day!)
For me, it's a manifestation of the freeze response. Cleaning makes noise, it shows exactly where you are in the house. Clutter also makes noise. It warns you someone is coming. It slows them down. Another aspect is that if they call you a slob and demand you clean up, and you comply, this shows they've got you under their thumb and now the demands are going to skyrocket. Embracing the mask of lazy slob allows you to say no to them in a way they can't shred like they do every other attempt to stop the abuse.
Very clever! I sometimes wonder if my unusual sleep schedule (go to sleep when the sun comes up, get up between 3:00 - 5:00 PM) is similarly a type of freeze response or self-defense. I have a very hard time saying no to people when they ask something of me, but keeping such unusual waking hours seems to give me a reasonable excuse. This may also by why I avoid using or looking at my cell phone or email for days and sometimes even weeks on end. I'm just hiding and avoiding. I hope I can learn to start parenting myself and thus finally grow up into a full-fledged adult who can take accountability and responsibility for myself and others. I'm 47 now - I'd like to at least reach maturity before I die! As in being able to say no, being able to express anger in healthy ways, being able to accept rejection and failure without feeling worthless, etc.
Some of the things I struggle to let go of aren't connected to memories, but rather things I wanted to add to the dream life I envisioned one day having only to have it sit in a closet for years gathering dust, because I can't make it fit into my real life. It's of no use to me, but getting rid of it feels like letting go of a lifestyle I'll probably never achieve. It hurts too much to admit that my life is not how I wanted it to be.
Funny you said this. I also have stuff for a dream life that hasn't happened yet. As someone who has had to become my own best friend, I would say keep it. Take baby steps in the direction of making it useful. The world would suggest for you to get rid of It or give it to a NPC. I say don't do it. You deserve a slice of happiness just for you.
There are lots of hobbies and plans I once had that turned out to be part of a dream that was a lie. I've tried to go back, but the weight of the lie and the shattered dream is more than the lift of the joy and passion. It's like amputating big pieces of hope.
It’s difficult to ask for help from those who don’t understand that the clutter is a psychological response to trauma. Clutter creates a psychological barrier and a sense of security to deal with the pain and abuse. People assume that the clutter is because the person is dirty and messy. The person who has already been traumatized doesn’t need the additional judgement and scrutiny. It just activates the PTSD.
Yes. The first thing most of us people with mental health issues (meaning ALL people!) need to do is to stop judging and blaming ourselves for our conditions and circumstances. Guilt and shame only cause us greater trauma and greater disfunction. We must learn to sincerely love and appreciate ourselves as we are currently made before we work on improving. It's like removing a sick plant from contaminated soil before applying fertilizer, CO2, light, etc.
It's difficult to ask for help because alot of people are abusers and people have this itch for recording everything and posting it on social platforms.
I was in my 30s before I accepted that, rotten as my childhood was, it was the only one I was going to have in this lifetime and it was okay to have those memories. Before that, I had tried to escape it. In other words, I have felt your pain.
Survivors learn growing up that they can't depend on anyone. Things become an alternative to family: things never lie, when you need something it is usually there or easily findable (if you don't have it you probably threw it out the previous week), and they become a type of barricade or fortress.
Ive thought about the fortress/protection aspect, like building an impregnable wall around myself so i cant be hurt, your explanation is very good and insightful.
Clutter for me is also a form of survival instinct, if you keep everything at sight unconsciously you feel like you have more resources than what you actually have and it's only a matter of finding them, clutter feels like: "you can find everything you can imagine here, if you search enough and you really need it".
I had to organize everything into boxes, clean, and then make places to put things away. And my place is small, so I had to take out what I could, put one area into boxes, move everything to clean, and then put it back still in boxes. Then, after it was mostly all clean and organized into boxes (which took a year, through depression and avoidance and not pressing myself too hard), I worked on putting things away, one small area at a time, as I had developed intricate plans for how it should all take shape. It's been another year, and my life is in shape as is my apartment, and it feels like a permanent vacation in somebody else's AirB&B. I can't get over how easy and light I feel now, by comparison, how simple it is to get anything done. It's actually kinda confusing in many ways.
Oh my gosh, I appreciate you saying this. Exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't recognize that it causes me overwhelm and is depressing later. You are EXACTLY right. Thank you!
If i haven't used something more than once in a month, it goes in the trash, recycling, donation boxes("Hoarders" show). My place, with the help of my PCA, looks great! I make the decisions, she clears out the "clutter", it's been great since February of last year! I feel free!
Any time I've attempted just orgainize/tidy up/the clutter nightmare my mothers home has become... I'm immediately bullied and verbally assaultedl, suddenly I'm no longer a 58 yo adult, but an 8 yo child being scolded by "mommy." ... it's sick.
@@sperosversis3678Tell her to F off! Mother is a role, not an intrinsic quality. You're an adult, so now she no longer has that role! She's just a pushy woman (though disturbed and traumatized herself) that thinks you owe her some kind of blood debt!
@@sperosversis3678 You need to try to keep in mind the anger is not about you. I suggest watching some of those extreme hoarder rescue videos. They get into the psychology of what's behind the behavior. My mother would 'clean' my and my sister's room by gathering up EVERYTHING on the floor, putting it in trash bags and throwing it away. She threw away my Barbie Beach van (1970-ish), Madame Alexander dolls, books, Disney watches, jewelry my grandparents brought back from their travels. It was absolutely gut-wrenchingly devastating. She never touched the Mouse House dollhouse my aunt made for me, so she knew what she was doing. My aunt would've lost her sh*t if mom had touched that house. I once tried this with my first daughter, realized what I was doing, gave her back the trash bags and we went through them, one by one, and I TAUGHT her how to clean her room.
I find absolutely ZERO comfort in chaotic clutter. I understand the link, the result of the abuse is clutter, and clutter represents what has happened to our senses, our mind, but I get nothing good from my clutter. It makes everything worse. It makes feel useless to change it, and angry. Things I don't need, use, want, have too many of, been hauling from home to home. Things given, things I'm saving for someone else who probably will never want it, things bought I was going to "do something with", alter, paint, repair, it is a fantasy, it never happens. Grrr!
Hey guys, stopping the self gaslighting and naming what the parent did and saying it out loud to even one person helps a lot. As I unpack childhood memories I can actually get rid of the clutter little by little.
Yes, I do a daily practice where I write out my fears, ask them to be released with prayer for energy focus and inner calm, then tear the paper to shreds. It has helped me tremendously like speaking things out loud, but releasing and not holding on.
@@Sweetlyfe It came to me fra Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy ), she calls it "the daily practice". It has and still does help me a lot. ruclips.net/video/Jlccxj9vcq4/видео.htmlsi=83c4xbxZwXFN5fOj Resentments can be written out as well, but always followed by because "I have fear...". I'm resentful, because I have fear. The prayer/invocation I use is: "I am now ready and I hereby release these fears and resentments. I seek now a clear vision of what I am to do today and the energy, clarity and inner calm to do it well". Sign name on page, tear to shreds, then meditate for a bit until deep breathing occurs. Best of luck to you.
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Thank you for this video andexplanation. I have always kept a spotless home, but I actually had a series of traumatic events based on betrayal by my most trusted family person. Then stonewalled, gaslit, lied about, the whole 9 yards. My home is not dirty but it is cluttered, definitely certain items trigger me. Recently I began to throw out strange things. I bought new tableware and threw out the old. I literally couldnt eat off the memories of the old dishes. Same with my wardrobe! I am now in the process of donating a lot of things, buying new. I couldnt understand it, I felt crazy, unable to wrap my head around the betrayal, the discard, and the lies spread behind my back. Now Iknow I am actually getting well. Again my sincere thanks. I have spent 2 years learning everything I could about narc abuse. Physically, my normal bp shot up very high, meds werent working so I changed my diet to lower cortisol, it worked! These people will kill you if you let them. It is not you, it is them. This takes time to heal. You can never let them back into your world bcs they have no desire to change. God bless us all❤️
Your words made me cry, getting into resonance... wish you all the best, blessings and faces next to you, that make you smile from deep within . Big hug 🤗💞
I just went through a similar family betrayal situation and going through another one now and I was stuck in freeze mode and not able to function to accomplish much of anything in my house.
I’m now enjoying my greatest strengths: my creativity, honesty (not brutal), and generosity. What is the saying? Your yes is as good as your no? I can say no, yet enjoy my generosity which has more integrity - there’s a balance beyond the narc circle of death. Yeah, they’ll kill you if you let them..right it’s not you, it’s them. Reclaim yourself and move on..give it time too. Thanks kindred for your comment ❤!
It's especially fun when the abuser accuses you of being a hoarder in court. And that seems to be enough for the court to take away your home. Children, everything you own. To have the CAUSE of the "hoarding" blame you for something THEY CAUSED. But that's typical of their kind
I think its reversed, I think the "stuff" doesn't cause the anxiety. Rather the "stuff" or clutter is just a symptom of what the person is already feeling
Amen. It could be either way, or even both ways (as in each reinforces and pushes the other.) But I really don't like when someone mistakes correlation for causation. I mean, there's a correlation between birds chirping and singing and the sun coming up - does that mean the birds cause the sun to rise by their singing?? FFS!!
I don't have that "stuff" but understands what causes it. Dad can't be bothered, that hurts. He "doesn't give a shit" about my feeling. I stopped caring about him!
TYSM. I'm really really REALLY stuck in this. I'm getting older and scared I'll never be able to recover completely. I DON'T want to live with these feelings and constant confusing, conflicting, circling thinking...(I go back and forth on ALL THINGS now. I either deep clean, super categorize, 'spotless'..or (and more now as I aged/severe disabilities) general tidy but CAN'T get all the last finishings done: the organizing papers, the little objects, ESPECIALLY anything tech, i cant even begin to keep an address book/calendar... Everything like that gets grouped n dumped into a bin and never touched. And I mostly forget or don't know where I put it so I go buy more of the same- and the cycle begins again... I'm just so confused because I'm in the 'safest' environment I've ever been! So WHY are my symptoms worse 😢.... At times I miss the overdone super organized version of this symptom (which: I couldn't ever maintain, a pigsty would occur, then I'd do my 'one big clean/get my self together' episode; not eating not sleeping and "get it all done in one go" of a day and full night- until done... Which is NOT authentic healing either I guess 😭)... Sending support to all who suffer with this!!!
I completely relate to you and your situation in every way, support returned. It may take more time than we'd like but we'll still get this done eventually, one way or another!!! 🚀
When we are finally safe, our body/mind will begin processing what wasn't safe to process before. That's why our trauma can seem worse once we become safe.
What else is going on in your life that might be stressing you? Lack of close friends or relatives? Lack of meaning or purpose? Lack of exercise and time in nature? Poor diet and nutrition? How is your mental health otherwise? Are you experiencing any short term memory loss? Perhaps you are overwhelmed by the size of the task in front of you. Perhaps you never really built the skill of taking one bite at a time and chewing it thoroughly (metaphorically speaking.) And perhaps like me, you have a degree of learned helplessness operating. Perhaps the thoughts in your head tell you that you CAN'T do it (that is learned helplessness.)
@@brushstroke3733 short term memory loss was how I found out I had D.I.D. I was in a prayer line trying to get help and after the person prayed for an hour, she got my email and started to help me find myself through prayer and truth, and then I helped another Lady, who asked me to help her find herself. We both had migraines that we lost as we got healed of being split off.
What I have found over a long life is that I don't fall apart during a crisis: apparently I have to keep myself together to survive. It's after the stressful event is over and I'm in a "safe space" that my psyche will allow me to feel all of the fear and exhaustion that I have accumulated. I recently got into a safe place and I went into one of these phases. It is getting better. I had to practice a lot of compassion for myself during that phase. It probably will help you to recover from it more quickly.
I had no idea. Is this why I went from being a person who never wanted to hang on to anything to all of a sudden I'm a hoarder who struggles heavily with throwing anything away? 😢
Maybe it's a healthy form of processing what was previously avoided or swept under the rug. Maybe it will help you to reclaim yourself and autonomy. Maybe it's there to help you begin to be a better, more adult parent to your inner child. Maybe it is your inner child screaming for your attention.
Yes, as an adolescent and until I went the extreme opposite way as a teen... Strange how so many memories are returning to me recently because at the time I vowed not to let myself forget (cause if I forget: then I really am the only one who caused all my problems like I was told... )... TYSM for your comment... And sorry you had to protect yourself by forming a physical barrier with things 😭😢.
What about when you live alone and still have clutter, or have only ever lived with clutter when living alone? I used to live a very uncluttered life, but in the past few years it has become an issue. Same with my elderly mother.
I’ve noticed it’s to keep people away from my personal space….i threw out my couch because I got tired of having to tell people no they can’t live with me…now I say I don’t even own a couch….once my son is grown and out of my place…idk what I’m gonna do…he’s my reason for saying absolutely not…I find it odd that random people some how make their way to my door and want to befriend me and within a day of knowing me, ask me to help them find illegal stuff or a place to live etc as if I’m someone else..it’s odd that people would do that so of course my paranoia kicks in because I’ve recently discovered the biggest narcissist in my life has been my mother and my dad also at times….the narcissists in my life did make me finally realize I deserve much better then the treatment they’ve all given me.,.I’m just me and idc what anyone says or thinks… at least I’m not fake
I agree. My hoarding and cluttered home are what keep me from having company or guests in my home. My father was a hoarder, like the ppl on the show, “Hoarders.” When he died more than a year ago, we (his children) had to go in and clean out all the trash in his house. As he got older, things got so bad that we couldn’t get into his house. My brother stepped in and sorted through his junk to locate anything valuable before throwing out the junk. And his home and yard was so full of dangerous things that some of it had to be hauled away. He lived with mice in his house…many mice. We sold his home “as is” due to the disrepair of walls and ceiling from broken pipes. When the house was sold, some of his clutter remained. It was very sad. I’m beginning to clean out my clutter and have found things I purchased years ago that were hidden under other stuff. I take after my father, which frightens and motivates me to get cracking.
I'm not a bad hoarder, I can let things go. There was a point in my life I thought I could just toss things out and then just replace them later. Except some serious situations and abusive situations later that comfort never returned. I wonder if this is how others problems start or if it was just my life experience. I'm not a bad hoarder. I just collect things I feel I'll need. I also recognize shopping is a coping skill. Keep it cheap, because happiness isn't in the package for long. 😥
Im a survivor of NARC abuse for 35 years of my life, my house is packed to the rafters with stuff, i can barely move in some places, so yes, this video rings very true for me, 2 years " Free " of the toxic A-hole, it will be a long road of healing ahead, that's if i ever do..
This just came up on my feed and thank you very much for it! I have C-PTSD from childhood trauma which was caused in part by my mother using housework as a weapon against my sister and me (We got severely beaten for the least mistake, heavily overworked, and we were given adult responsibilities at a young age.) But there were other forms of abuse as well. Both my sister and I have problems with cluttered homes. I actually get an overwhelming painful constriction of the fascia in my lower back while doing housework or any task resembling it.
I watch these videos to try to understand my dad. He had a very difficult relationship with his father through his whole life. My grandfather passed in 2007 and my dad still keeps all of his father's stuff to this day, on top of hoarding random things too.
I've been thinking about this vid for several days. The thing that broke the dam for me, which allowed me to start organizing and cleaning, was putting up a string of lights. My place is small and was a bit dingy, with only a few stark overhead lights. I put up a cheap string of lights around my living area and the moonlight effect became very comforting. I had all sorts of plans for how to organize and improve my place, but until that one lighting change, I only wanted to give up. It was still difficult to form any momentum. I expected it to snowball once I got moving, but it never did and was a slog the whole way. Those string lights made me smile though, and that was enough to tip the balance for me. Trying is still the hardest thing when all you want to do is run and hide and cry.
When Covid hit, my moms mental health took a toll along with her relationship with my dad. They started fighting and he was truly mean to her, calling her fat, criticizing her, extreme contempt. I only witnessed small moments but I feel it was constant and worse when she was alone. She started hoarding stuff and was extremely messy. I had a feeling it was due to my dad. I too used to live in a clutter mess while living at home. Since moving away from home, I felt better and became a minimalist
I moved from my narcicist family home at a young age, my sister unfourtunately has stayed (financial reasons) and her room has been a clutter landfill for years. I struggle to understand, I struggle to help her, but this information helps a lot.
Thank you for sharing this video , it was enlightening to me even after ALL of the therapy that I have done . It brought to light several things to me that I could not figure out ! My dad is a narcissist from his trauma childhood, I am an empath , my sister is a people pleaser, and my brother is an avoider which is why he probably moved to the other side of the country . My sister cleans ALL DAY EVERYDAY, and I hoard “nice stuff “ , as my family would put it. She cleans her own house anxiously everyday , doing this over anything else ! This always comes first ! I went on to marry young probably to get away , and then married a narcissist my second marriage! I have never felt really loved by a man until now , my 3rd husband, my partner for life ! He is amazing. I had beautiful homes , and beautiful things and because my life didn’t work out as planned in my mind . This is why I believe to hang on to stuff because I’m hanging on to the life I always wanted . Through self love , therapy , and above everything else GOD is my healer 🙏🏻 I still and will struggle with life , but I am a healthier version of myself now . Thank you for this post !! Keep posting 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you for this post and for all the commentors who have given me more insight today. I have been healing for decades from extreme trauma and auto immune dramas. I have learned a lot and overcome a lot including D.I.D. and the lack of trust in myself. The clutter got worse as I was healing more. Now I see you have to make a mess to clean one up. I also learned these past few years that what you focus on gets bigger. So, if I think about how much something is a problem that problem gets larger as shame and helplessness gets attached to it. This year I am finding things I held onto to give to my kids and grands that they will benefit from or use. I also pray that I will not bring home anything I won't use or don't need. If I got this far , the rest will fall into place as I allow it to. Blessings to you all, may you find your peace. Amen
I will add to my post that when someone tries to clean my home around me, I go into a panic. My bipolar mother would be dangerous while the house was being cleaned and I had a lot of traumas done to me while the siblings and I were doing chores. As the D.I.D. has been healing I have to go in another room and distract myself if someone is cleaning, I forgive everyone involved that was out of their minds doing the devils work to hurt me. I repent of judging them and myself for not being healthier. amen
My clutter is the response of having all of my lifes belongings in one place which is a bit too small, sadly I am well settleed where I live so no move for me
Is there anything you don't really need? I have more stuff than I have room for currently as well. I remember an older co-worker of mine that had a incredible discipline. He and his wife would not keep anything they had not used in three months (maybe it was six) except perhaps a few things like seasonal decorations or clothes. I really admired that strategy but haven't come close to adopting it. I have boxes and trunks full of stuff I haven't used in 20 - 30 years!
And sometimes it is just so hard to make another decision. So much of my mess is too tired right now, can’t decide. I’ll get to it later…. But there is no later. The fear of making a mistake or messing up is overwhelming. The crappy childhood fairy had good advice- pick a dollar amount you can spend (I picked $10, but have since upped it to $20) without total duress. If the item is under that value get rid of it. You can buy another one if you made a mistake. As I get rid of more I have not needed to rebuy the items…. So I upped the price a little . Trying, trying. It is so hard.
I feel guilty if I throw good usable stuff but I don't have the energy to find new homes for everything. Waste not ,won't not hangs over my head even though I am financially secure I'm always waiting for the axe to fall,Things might change, I might need it in the future. Blah,blah.....
Pray for me lol. It's funny how people will cause things and be the reason behind it and then also blame you and hate on you for it and the effects of their doing since birth isn't it. 😅
I know I have issues with loss after having the 2 biggest narcissists in my life robbing me of precious personal things and disrespecting my personal things.
And yet: I can do so in full JOY for people. Especially the ones I love or care for.... AND: feel safe while doing it. My heart accelerated and my jaw, neck, spine, chest TIGHTEN, and my mind starts racing and I think I can't do this before I even TOUCH an object... I hate this...
Same! Came hère to write this. I definitely think a part of me only feels comfort when i experience large amounts of stress. Tackled a lot of my home, clothes but my room?! I can’t even let someone else clean it without having a Panic attack Sometimes
He died. My house was a disaster, been clearing it out, it's a year and a half, and still trying to clean. Sell, and donate his stuff. My healing is getting rid of all his stuff. Even burned some of his stuff. I still suffer from this clutter problem. I've come a long way. But it's a on going project. I let place to go for years. His controlling behavior, refusal to let me clean this place. Resulted in me shutting down. It was embarrasing to live like this. He self destructed. I just couldn't help him anymore. Seriously had to get therapy. GOD PLEASE ANUONE WHO LIVED THUS HELL.
For me clutter also represents financial security. There’s a lot of stuff I can sell if necessary to make some money, and also stuff that I already have now, so I don’t have to worry about being able to afford later. I am also still in an abusive relationship for over 25 years, and don’t know how to stop it.
Financial security has been my reason as well. I have gotten to the point where I need to sell most things, but I can not even do that. I am too overwhelmed and trapped in so many ways. I hope you are well. Stay strong!
@@joinacio5211 I’m still the same. I have found out about cheating and affairs and even prostitutes in the last 3 months, but I still don’t have enough money saved up for the lawyer, and I’m still so afraid of the future. I wish you all the best and stay strong, too.
Narcissist’s systematically undermine your sense of self. I keep things because I don’t know who I am anymore, and if I don’t know who I am, then I don’t know what I need in my space. The unknown me might need this or that item in the future. My clutter is also a physical barrier to keep him out of my art studio, my sacred space. Lastly, it serves as a way to keep him from monopolizing my every waking moment and setting my schedule to his liking. If I’m “busy” cleaning or organizing the clutter, then at least I have some say over my day and he won’t force me to traipse alongside him as his “mini me.”
Admittedly, I am ADD, however, my mother is a narcissist. Nothing I did was right.I married a narcissist, and left after taking “enough” abuse. Even though my struggle w/ clutter continues, I’m proud to say my two children don’t have that issue. They’ve grown into successful adults w/ awesome careers, and know their mother loves both unconditionally. We’ve broken that toxic, generational cycle. Narcissists are their own worst enemy: leave, and see how fast they sink.
You may have this backwards!!! "I love trash"-Oscar The Grouch. I think that I was pulled in by narcissists because I had unique things. I was born in an art gallery, and I am a professional picture framer and a props master at a historic play. The hoarding comes from my things being stolen from the narcissist. You know, for my own good!!! LoL 😵💫 So, after getting my own house everything has a place and everything in it's place. Brother James Kendall Moore OSB
While I may often disagree with Alphabet's ranking (and "AI NPD clutter" 😂,) You've done a great job on this video, and certainly deserve 50,000 views - maybe 5 million. Peace to ya.
When you give AI a prompt to make a video, it tends to stay within a very limited scope, as this video does. If it was made by a human with experience in treating mental health issues, it might have been much more nuanced and expansive.
I held on to my headphones because these special headphones.Are purchased as a kid on vacation.Picks up radio stations from the opposite side of other peoples.Another country's nation The narcissist in my life.On the other hand shows the throw out and trash my private property.When I finally got around to being able to purchase crazy glue. To remind the head piece of the headphones The narcissist self-centered.The evil destructive woman explained.You don't need they're broken All It Took was $3 crazy glue to fix the most superior Radiohead phones I've ever owned in my entire life These pair of headphones picked up radio stations in the west in addition to california texas new york boston and I'll never forget that While is inconsiderate idiot destructive worker of the satan. Never replace what she destroyed.She also threw out one of my most price possessions telling me again You don't need that As if it's hers I had a stitch kit that I purchased to cut.Find out that she threw out what I was coming to stitch up😡
When did you purchase and use those headphones? Is it possible their amazing reception was due to the strength of radio transmissions at the time? The FCC limits the amount of power stations can broadcast with these days and so their signals generally don't reach more than 50 - 100 miles.
Is this another 100% AI generated video? I am about half way through and it seems like one of those, filled with platitudes and generalizations, lacking specific examples, and generally feeling dull and lifeless. There's no life energy in anything AI produces - it's just a good facsimile of the real stuff. It feels like Las Vegas or Hollywood - it's all window dressing and cutouts and empty exteriors. It's like biting into a perfect looking plastic apple.
6:13 This kind of reasoning really annoys me. Correlation DOES NOT equal causation!!! Just because a study finds a "link" between cortisol levels and clutter does NOT mean the clutter causes the stress! It might, but it could just as easily be the reverse - that the stress causes the clutter. It's also possible that neither is a cause but rather that there is a third or fourth factor involved. Watch out for this unintentional (and sometimes intentional deception) that happens all over RUclips!!
You make it sound like an “art!” “Clutter” is not your fault, it is someone else’s. They have driven you to be that way… so take control of your own depressed life and do what the “narcissist” wanted… clean up this mess!
Bent, not broken. No one is broken - that's just learned helplessness. We can learn to help ourselves, parent ourselves, be a friend to ourselves, etc.
@@brushstroke3733 Perhaps you are bent, or someone you know is bent, only you know that. To say that "no one is broken", is a naive perspective. The human mind and nervous system does in fact become broken. If the stress is geat enough or prolonged enough, the brain goes through physical changes. People who experience shell shock are perhaps the extreme example. People diagnosed with true mental illness is another example. People with personality disorders have a better chance at modifying their behavior with professional help. However many are not self aware enough to seek help or even want to improve because they lack the self awarness. I do agree that the mind can recover in many cases, in others, their condition is more chronic.
@@nickf2170 If the brain can go through physical changes to "break" it, doesn't it seem logical the brain can go through physical changes that restore it? And wouldn't that mean it was never truly broken but only bent? Broken means a vegetable or dead, and for all we know, even the former may eventually be reversable at some point. I think we're just talking semantics and definitions here. Your response got into the substantial meat of the matter of mental illness which is much more useful than either of our simple descriptions of broken or bent.
Clutter as a trauma response is not just limited to this “narcissistic abuse” - - it can be from other types of trauma.
Nothing this video says is untrue,but it leaves out a huge amount of the picture.
Indeed. Warcrimes are in the picture....and states who committed them do not like that.......
This was my first thought, too. I was trapped in clutter long before I experienced narcissistic abuse. I grew up in trauma and chaos and have always been a mess.
@@jessiematthews6339 no worries.😉 We all get hit with baggage in our lives. Welcome to the human race. Good luck in your struggles. 🙂🍀👍🏼 Move closer to God 🕊🤍 and God will come closer to you 👩🏻🦰🕊
@@jessiematthews6339 Same 😔🙏
Its brutal , its criminal. Anyone whose been through this feels drained and lifeless. I find calm with nature , the stillness , the breeze , the sunshine and the rain helped me deep within. ❤
Same for me. I was happy and able to function better when I lived on five acres in the peace of nature.
That sounds amazing @@TeaRose9
Those are natural and beautiful things to lean on, happiness and peace to you, nature I definitely relate to ❤😊
Bird watching, photographing flowers, sun exposure…good reading ( personally, I find reading best outside, possibly because I’m away from my clutter? )
Pp😊 Li 😊😊😊p😊😊oo😅@@TeaRose9
As a 67 year old woman who was held in check by Narcississtic parents and then a husband, I always knew it was weird holding on to some of these old things... even the case of my favorite empty blue liquid eyeliner that I used Sr. Year in high school. That was the best year of my life. As I face my fears, my past, forgive those who hurt me, and gradually CLEAN OUT MY CLOSETS, I am finally healing. But with a lot of prayer for help too.
Sometimes I think we just need to tell our stories to someone, in order to let go of the object. Simple human connection
We can almost be twins. Same narc mom, narc grandma we lived with, then married a monster for 41 years. I’m doing the same, cleaning out boxes and closets and even entire rooms. I now have sunlight coming through the windows and birds singing (I buy sunflower 🌻 seed for them, because it makes ME HAPPY) God is good, finally. But I do wish for more friendships, I wish we could talk more 🥰
We can almost be twins. Same narc mom, narc grandma we lived with, then married a monster for 41 years. I’m doing the same, cleaning out boxes and closets and even entire rooms. I now have sunlight coming through the windows and birds singing (I buy sunflower 🌻 seed for them, because it makes ME HAPPY) God is good, finally. But I do wish for more friendships, I wish we could talk more 🥰
@susanwallcraft and keep a few items that are special to you. Maybe a shadow box with a few items behind glass, just for you, to look at when needed. As I heal more every day, I find I can let go of more and more things that don’t matter…. And keep those that give warmth and smiles. ( I happily burned my wedding album, I did keep a few pictures, what a glorious day!)
🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
For me, it's a manifestation of the freeze response. Cleaning makes noise, it shows exactly where you are in the house. Clutter also makes noise. It warns you someone is coming. It slows them down. Another aspect is that if they call you a slob and demand you clean up, and you comply, this shows they've got you under their thumb and now the demands are going to skyrocket. Embracing the mask of lazy slob allows you to say no to them in a way they can't shred like they do every other attempt to stop the abuse.
Very smart. I had been told that laziness is a form of subverted rage. It makes a lot of sense and clears up a lot of my habits too. Good luck.
Very clever! I sometimes wonder if my unusual sleep schedule (go to sleep when the sun comes up, get up between 3:00 - 5:00 PM) is similarly a type of freeze response or self-defense. I have a very hard time saying no to people when they ask something of me, but keeping such unusual waking hours seems to give me a reasonable excuse. This may also by why I avoid using or looking at my cell phone or email for days and sometimes even weeks on end. I'm just hiding and avoiding.
I hope I can learn to start parenting myself and thus finally grow up into a full-fledged adult who can take accountability and responsibility for myself and others. I'm 47 now - I'd like to at least reach maturity before I die! As in being able to say no, being able to express anger in healthy ways, being able to accept rejection and failure without feeling worthless, etc.
I also use clutter to hide things as a deterrent from stealing my stuff.
I know my own clutter best, and will notice if something is out of place :-)
There is a lot of astute observation in your comment, especially the "manifestation of the freeze response" idea.
Some of the things I struggle to let go of aren't connected to memories, but rather things I wanted to add to the dream life I envisioned one day having only to have it sit in a closet for years gathering dust, because I can't make it fit into my real life. It's of no use to me, but getting rid of it feels like letting go of a lifestyle I'll probably never achieve. It hurts too much to admit that my life is not how I wanted it to be.
Funny you said this. I also have stuff for a dream life that hasn't happened yet. As someone who has had to become my own best friend, I would say keep it. Take baby steps in the direction of making it useful. The world would suggest for you to get rid of It or give it to a NPC. I say don't do it. You deserve a slice of happiness just for you.
In hard, bitter & lonely times it filled a gap. In that way is my clutter a priceless memory with great value
There are lots of hobbies and plans I once had that turned out to be part of a dream that was a lie. I've tried to go back, but the weight of the lie and the shattered dream is more than the lift of the joy and passion. It's like amputating big pieces of hope.
I can relate.
It’s difficult to ask for help from those who don’t understand that the clutter is a psychological response to trauma. Clutter creates a psychological barrier and a sense of security to deal with the pain and abuse. People assume that the clutter is because the person is dirty and messy. The person who has already been traumatized doesn’t need the additional judgement and scrutiny. It just activates the PTSD.
Well said!
Yes. The first thing most of us people with mental health issues (meaning ALL people!) need to do is to stop judging and blaming ourselves for our conditions and circumstances. Guilt and shame only cause us greater trauma and greater disfunction. We must learn to sincerely love and appreciate ourselves as we are currently made before we work on improving. It's like removing a sick plant from contaminated soil before applying fertilizer, CO2, light, etc.
It's difficult to ask for help because alot of people are abusers and people have this itch for recording everything and posting it on social platforms.
@@Erica-cf1xbliterally. These compulsive freaks can't help themselves.
I've known this for a while, but I really need to overcome. I have to accept that I can't change the past. That is the hardest thing to accept.
I struggle with the same issue. I pray for us and for all the other survivors of these horrible creatures who harmed us.
I was in my 30s before I accepted that, rotten as my childhood was, it was the only one I was going to have in this lifetime and it was okay to have those memories.
Before that, I had tried to escape it.
In other words, I have felt your pain.
@@susanmercurio1060 Thank you.
I get this. I don't bother with my narc dad. He won't change and I won't bend over backwards to accomodate him.
You can't change your past. But you can definitely control your present, and future! I'm hearing you!
Survivors learn growing up that they can't depend on anyone. Things become an alternative to family: things never lie, when you need something it is usually there or easily findable (if you don't have it you probably threw it out the previous week), and they become a type of barricade or fortress.
Superb explanation!
Ive thought about the fortress/protection aspect, like building an impregnable wall around myself so i cant be hurt, your explanation is very good and insightful.
Oh, wow! This is deep and cuts too close to the bone.
@@samsmom1491 Is that good or bad or inbetween?
@@pikeflowed Thanks. One would almost think this was my story ;-)
Clutter for me is also a form of survival instinct, if you keep everything at sight unconsciously you feel like you have more resources than what you actually have and it's only a matter of finding them, clutter feels like: "you can find everything you can imagine here, if you search enough and you really need it".
I had to organize everything into boxes, clean, and then make places to put things away. And my place is small, so I had to take out what I could, put one area into boxes, move everything to clean, and then put it back still in boxes. Then, after it was mostly all clean and organized into boxes (which took a year, through depression and avoidance and not pressing myself too hard), I worked on putting things away, one small area at a time, as I had developed intricate plans for how it should all take shape. It's been another year, and my life is in shape as is my apartment, and it feels like a permanent vacation in somebody else's AirB&B. I can't get over how easy and light I feel now, by comparison, how simple it is to get anything done. It's actually kinda confusing in many ways.
My narcissist was the clutterer but blamed me and now I freak out internally over disorganized spaces
Keeping the objects for memories feels nice at first but when it becomes clutter, it feels overwhelming and depressing. It is not comforting.
Oh my gosh, I appreciate you saying this. Exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't recognize that it causes me overwhelm and is depressing later. You are EXACTLY right. Thank you!
If i haven't used something more than once in a month, it goes in the trash, recycling, donation boxes("Hoarders" show). My place, with the help of my PCA, looks great! I make the decisions, she clears out the "clutter", it's been great since February of last year! I feel free!
Living in my parent's cluttered home is really draining. I am not allowed to even clean it.
Why don't you get the heck out of there then?
Any time I've attempted just orgainize/tidy up/the clutter nightmare my mothers home has become... I'm immediately bullied and verbally assaultedl, suddenly I'm no longer a 58 yo adult, but an 8 yo child being scolded by "mommy." ... it's sick.
@@sperosversis3678Tell her to F off! Mother is a role, not an intrinsic quality. You're an adult, so now she no longer has that role! She's just a pushy woman (though disturbed and traumatized herself) that thinks you owe her some kind of blood debt!
@@sperosversis3678 You need to try to keep in mind the anger is not about you. I suggest watching some of those extreme hoarder rescue videos. They get into the psychology of what's behind the behavior. My mother would 'clean' my and my sister's room by gathering up EVERYTHING on the floor, putting it in trash bags and throwing it away. She threw away my Barbie Beach van (1970-ish), Madame Alexander dolls, books, Disney watches, jewelry my grandparents brought back from their travels. It was absolutely gut-wrenchingly devastating. She never touched the Mouse House dollhouse my aunt made for me, so she knew what she was doing. My aunt would've lost her sh*t if mom had touched that house. I once tried this with my first daughter, realized what I was doing, gave her back the trash bags and we went through them, one by one, and I TAUGHT her how to clean her room.
Same ❤ @@sperosversis3678
I find absolutely ZERO comfort in chaotic clutter. I understand the link, the result of the abuse is clutter, and clutter represents what has happened to our senses, our mind, but I get nothing good from my clutter. It makes everything worse. It makes feel useless to change it, and angry. Things I don't need, use, want, have too many of, been hauling from home to home. Things given, things I'm saving for someone else who probably will never want it, things bought I was going to "do something with", alter, paint, repair, it is a fantasy, it never happens. Grrr!
Omg this is ME !!! 40 years with a narcissistic husband and I have clutter!
Hey guys, stopping the self gaslighting and naming what the parent did and saying it out loud to even one person helps a lot. As I unpack childhood memories I can actually get rid of the clutter little by little.
Yes, I do a daily practice where I write out my fears, ask them to be released with prayer for energy focus and inner calm, then tear the paper to shreds.
It has helped me tremendously like speaking things out loud, but releasing and not holding on.
@@L6FTThat sounds like a really good tool to help keep anxiety at bay, and just clearing your mind for the day. I’m going to give it a try. Thank you.
@@Sweetlyfe It came to me fra Anna Runkle (Crappy Childhood Fairy ), she calls it "the daily practice". It has and still does help me a lot.
ruclips.net/video/Jlccxj9vcq4/видео.htmlsi=83c4xbxZwXFN5fOj
Resentments can be written out as well, but always followed by because "I have fear...". I'm resentful, because I have fear.
The prayer/invocation I use is:
"I am now ready and I hereby release these fears and resentments. I seek now a clear vision of what I am to do today and the energy, clarity and inner calm to do it well".
Sign name on page, tear to shreds, then meditate for a bit until deep breathing occurs.
Best of luck to you.
Excellent video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my marriage of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Suzanne ann walters , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Keep talking
Wherever you need to put these
Words
Thank you for this video andexplanation. I have always kept a spotless home, but I actually had a series of traumatic events based on betrayal by my most trusted family person. Then stonewalled, gaslit, lied about, the whole 9 yards. My home is not dirty but it is cluttered, definitely certain items trigger me. Recently I began to throw out strange things. I bought new tableware and threw out the old. I literally couldnt eat off the memories of the old dishes. Same with my wardrobe! I am now in the process of donating a lot of things, buying new. I couldnt understand it, I felt crazy, unable to wrap my head around the betrayal, the discard, and the lies spread behind my back. Now Iknow I am actually getting well. Again my sincere thanks. I have spent 2 years learning everything I could about narc abuse. Physically, my normal bp shot up very high, meds werent working so I changed my diet to lower cortisol, it worked! These people will kill you if you let them. It is not you, it is them. This takes time to heal. You can never let them back into your world bcs they have no desire to change. God bless us all❤️
Very good article
Your words made me cry, getting into resonance... wish you all the best, blessings and faces next to you, that make you smile from deep within .
Big hug 🤗💞
I just went through a similar family betrayal situation and going through another one now and I was stuck in freeze mode and not able to function to accomplish much of anything in my house.
I’m now enjoying my greatest strengths: my creativity, honesty (not brutal), and generosity. What is the saying? Your yes is as good as your no? I can say no, yet enjoy my generosity which has more integrity - there’s a balance beyond the narc circle of death. Yeah, they’ll kill you if you let them..right it’s not you, it’s them. Reclaim yourself and move on..give it time too. Thanks kindred for your comment ❤!
This sounds exactly like my home! It is clean but cluttered.
This is the best description of people who have gone through narcissistic abuse and the reasons for clutter.
It's especially fun when the abuser accuses you of being a hoarder in court. And that seems to be enough for the court to take away your home. Children, everything you own.
To have the CAUSE of the "hoarding" blame you for something THEY CAUSED. But that's typical of their kind
I respectfully disagree. I thought the descriptions and explanations given here lacked substance.
I agree, it’s spot on, it’s a why didn’t I think of that moment 🤔
I think its reversed, I think the "stuff" doesn't cause the anxiety. Rather the "stuff" or clutter is just a symptom of what the person is already feeling
Amen. It could be either way, or even both ways (as in each reinforces and pushes the other.) But I really don't like when someone mistakes correlation for causation. I mean, there's a correlation between birds chirping and singing and the sun coming up - does that mean the birds cause the sun to rise by their singing?? FFS!!
@@brushstroke3733 lol xD yeah. Definitely can become a downward spiral of sorts
Actually, studies have shown that looking at the "stuff" can cause anxiety. Too much "stuff"
I don't have that "stuff" but understands what causes it. Dad can't be bothered, that hurts. He "doesn't give a shit" about my feeling. I stopped caring about him!
TYSM. I'm really really REALLY stuck in this. I'm getting older and scared I'll never be able to recover completely. I DON'T want to live with these feelings and constant confusing, conflicting, circling thinking...(I go back and forth on ALL THINGS now. I either deep clean, super categorize, 'spotless'..or (and more now as I aged/severe disabilities) general tidy but CAN'T get all the last finishings done: the organizing papers, the little objects, ESPECIALLY anything tech, i cant even begin to keep an address book/calendar... Everything like that gets grouped n dumped into a bin and never touched. And I mostly forget or don't know where I put it so I go buy more of the same- and the cycle begins again... I'm just so confused because I'm in the 'safest' environment I've ever been! So WHY are my symptoms worse 😢.... At times I miss the overdone super organized version of this symptom (which: I couldn't ever maintain, a pigsty would occur, then I'd do my 'one big clean/get my self together' episode; not eating not sleeping and "get it all done in one go" of a day and full night- until done... Which is NOT authentic healing either I guess 😭)...
Sending support to all who suffer with this!!!
I completely relate to you and your situation in every way, support returned. It may take more time than we'd like but we'll still get this done eventually, one way or another!!! 🚀
When we are finally safe, our body/mind will begin processing what wasn't safe to process before. That's why our trauma can seem worse once we become safe.
What else is going on in your life that might be stressing you? Lack of close friends or relatives? Lack of meaning or purpose? Lack of exercise and time in nature? Poor diet and nutrition? How is your mental health otherwise? Are you experiencing any short term memory loss?
Perhaps you are overwhelmed by the size of the task in front of you. Perhaps you never really built the skill of taking one bite at a time and chewing it thoroughly (metaphorically speaking.) And perhaps like me, you have a degree of learned helplessness operating. Perhaps the thoughts in your head tell you that you CAN'T do it (that is learned helplessness.)
@@brushstroke3733 short term memory loss was how I found out I had D.I.D. I was in a prayer line trying to get help and after the person prayed for an hour, she got my email and started to help me find myself through prayer and truth, and then I helped another Lady, who asked me to help her find herself. We both had migraines that we lost as we got healed of being split off.
What I have found over a long life is that I don't fall apart during a crisis: apparently I have to keep myself together to survive.
It's after the stressful event is over and I'm in a "safe space" that my psyche will allow me to feel all of the fear and exhaustion that I have accumulated.
I recently got into a safe place and I went into one of these phases. It is getting better.
I had to practice a lot of compassion for myself during that phase. It probably will help you to recover from it more quickly.
Extreme minimalism could be attributed to trauma as well.
I had no idea. Is this why I went from being a person who never wanted to hang on to anything to all of a sudden I'm a hoarder who struggles heavily with throwing anything away? 😢
Maybe it's a healthy form of processing what was previously avoided or swept under the rug. Maybe it will help you to reclaim yourself and autonomy. Maybe it's there to help you begin to be a better, more adult parent to your inner child. Maybe it is your inner child screaming for your attention.
EXACTLY what I'm going through.
Also being overwhelmed with task
It sounds like it's a demonstration of hypervigilance. Also, maybe mess is kind of used as a shield against the narcissist.
Yes, as an adolescent and until I went the extreme opposite way as a teen... Strange how so many memories are returning to me recently because at the time I vowed not to let myself forget (cause if I forget: then I really am the only one who caused all my problems like I was told... )... TYSM for your comment... And sorry you had to protect yourself by forming a physical barrier with things 😭😢.
What about when you live alone and still have clutter, or have only ever lived with clutter when living alone? I used to live a very uncluttered life, but in the past few years it has become an issue. Same with my elderly mother.
I feel like my disorganization and constant struggle with time management are in correlation with each other somehow. I could be wrong, though.
I’ve noticed it’s to keep people away from my personal space….i threw out my couch because I got tired of having to tell people no they can’t live with me…now I say I don’t even own a couch….once my son is grown and out of my place…idk what I’m gonna do…he’s my reason for saying absolutely not…I find it odd that random people some how make their way to my door and want to befriend me and within a day of knowing me, ask me to help them find illegal stuff or a place to live etc as if I’m someone else..it’s odd that people would do that so of course my paranoia kicks in because I’ve recently discovered the biggest narcissist in my life has been my mother and my dad also at times….the narcissists in my life did make me finally realize I deserve much better then the treatment they’ve all given me.,.I’m just me and idc what anyone says or thinks… at least I’m not fake
I agree. My hoarding and cluttered home are what keep me from having company or guests in my home. My father was a hoarder, like the ppl on the show, “Hoarders.” When he died more than a year ago, we (his children) had to go in and clean out all the trash in his house. As he got older, things got so bad that we couldn’t get into his house. My brother stepped in and sorted through his junk to locate anything valuable before throwing out the junk. And his home and yard was so full of dangerous things that some of it had to be hauled away. He lived with mice in his house…many mice. We sold his home “as is” due to the disrepair of walls and ceiling from broken pipes. When the house was sold, some of his clutter remained. It was very sad.
I’m beginning to clean out my clutter and have found things I purchased years ago that were hidden under other stuff. I take after my father, which frightens and motivates me to get cracking.
I'm not a bad hoarder, I can let things go. There was a point in my life I thought I could just toss things out and then just replace them later. Except some serious situations and abusive situations later that comfort never returned. I wonder if this is how others problems start or if it was just my life experience. I'm not a bad hoarder. I just collect things I feel I'll need. I also recognize shopping is a coping skill. Keep it cheap, because happiness isn't in the package for long. 😥
Im a survivor of NARC abuse for 35 years of my life, my house is packed to the rafters with stuff, i can barely move in some places, so yes, this video rings very true for me, 2 years " Free " of the toxic A-hole, it will be a long road of healing ahead, that's if i ever do..
This just came up on my feed and thank you very much for it!
I have C-PTSD from childhood trauma which was caused in part by my mother using housework as a weapon against my sister and me (We got severely beaten for the least mistake, heavily overworked, and we were given adult responsibilities at a young age.) But there were other forms of abuse as well.
Both my sister and I have problems with cluttered homes. I actually get an overwhelming painful constriction of the fascia in my lower back while doing housework or any task resembling it.
I watch these videos to try to understand my dad. He had a very difficult relationship with his father through his whole life. My grandfather passed in 2007 and my dad still keeps all of his father's stuff to this day, on top of hoarding random things too.
Sounds like your dad had some form of Stockholm Syndrome (prisoners loving their captors.)
Clutter is also form of abuse used by narcissists for dominating the victims environment and sense of self.
Of course it is. It is a reflection of one's State of Mind. It's Elementary.
My dear Dr. Watson!
Thank you ❤
I've been thinking about this vid for several days. The thing that broke the dam for me, which allowed me to start organizing and cleaning, was putting up a string of lights. My place is small and was a bit dingy, with only a few stark overhead lights. I put up a cheap string of lights around my living area and the moonlight effect became very comforting. I had all sorts of plans for how to organize and improve my place, but until that one lighting change, I only wanted to give up. It was still difficult to form any momentum. I expected it to snowball once I got moving, but it never did and was a slog the whole way. Those string lights made me smile though, and that was enough to tip the balance for me. Trying is still the hardest thing when all you want to do is run and hide and cry.
When Covid hit, my moms mental health took a toll along with her relationship with my dad. They started fighting and he was truly mean to her, calling her fat, criticizing her, extreme contempt. I only witnessed small moments but I feel it was constant and worse when she was alone. She started hoarding stuff and was extremely messy. I had a feeling it was due to my dad. I too used to live in a clutter mess while living at home. Since moving away from home, I felt better and became a minimalist
I thought it was just owning more stuff than you have room to keep it.
I agree. I find it hard to attach paper clutter to atrachment.
That can also be part of the problem.
If you don't have it you won't understand it
Same here, though I could see the link between buying stuff I don't really need and emotional coping.
Well I guess this includes me. PTSD!!!
I moved from my narcicist family home at a young age, my sister unfourtunately has stayed (financial reasons) and her room has been a clutter landfill for years. I struggle to understand, I struggle to help her, but this information helps a lot.
Thank you for sharing this video , it was enlightening to me even after ALL of the therapy that I have done . It brought to light several things to me that I could not figure out ! My dad is a narcissist from his trauma childhood, I am an empath , my sister is a people pleaser, and my brother is an avoider which is why he probably moved to the other side of the country . My sister cleans ALL DAY EVERYDAY, and I hoard “nice stuff “ , as my family would put it. She cleans her own house anxiously everyday , doing this over anything else ! This always comes first ! I went on to marry young probably to get away , and then married a narcissist my second marriage! I have never felt really loved by a man until now , my 3rd husband, my partner for life ! He is amazing. I had beautiful homes , and beautiful things and because my life didn’t work out as planned in my mind . This is why I believe to hang on to stuff because I’m hanging on to the life I always wanted . Through self love , therapy , and above everything else GOD is my healer 🙏🏻 I still and will struggle with life , but I am a healthier version of myself now . Thank you for this post !! Keep posting 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you for this post and for all the commentors who have given me more insight today. I have been healing for decades from extreme trauma and auto immune dramas. I have learned a lot and overcome a lot including D.I.D. and the lack of trust in myself. The clutter got worse as I was healing more. Now I see you have to make a mess to clean one up. I also learned these past few years that what you focus on gets bigger. So, if I think about how much something is a problem that problem gets larger as shame and helplessness gets attached to it. This year I am finding things I held onto to give to my kids and grands that they will benefit from or use. I also pray that I will not bring home anything I won't use or don't need. If I got this far , the rest will fall into place as I allow it to. Blessings to you all, may you find your peace. Amen
Amen!
I will add to my post that when someone tries to clean my home around me, I go into a panic. My bipolar mother would be dangerous while the house was being cleaned and I had a lot of traumas done to me while the siblings and I were doing chores. As the D.I.D. has been healing I have to go in another room and distract myself if someone is cleaning, I forgive everyone involved that was out of their minds doing the devils work to hurt me. I repent of judging them and myself for not being healthier. amen
My clutter is the response of having all of my lifes belongings in one place which is a bit too small, sadly I am well settleed where I live so no move for me
Is there anything you don't really need? I have more stuff than I have room for currently as well. I remember an older co-worker of mine that had a incredible discipline. He and his wife would not keep anything they had not used in three months (maybe it was six) except perhaps a few things like seasonal decorations or clothes. I really admired that strategy but haven't come close to adopting it. I have boxes and trunks full of stuff I haven't used in 20 - 30 years!
@@brushstroke3733 Same here, but a lot of it is sentimental so it makes it a little harder for me
I'm thinking of replacing the clutter fortress with an electric fence. 😁
AI is already doing that.
Or they have verbally and emotionally abused you so much, your struggling physically to even be able to clean.
Or the brain fog. People can't empathize with why it takes so long to "snap out of it."
And sometimes it is just so hard to make another decision. So much of my mess is too tired right now, can’t decide. I’ll get to it later…. But there is no later. The fear of making a mistake or messing up is overwhelming. The crappy childhood fairy had good advice- pick a dollar amount you can spend (I picked $10, but have since upped it to $20) without total duress. If the item is under that value get rid of it. You can buy another one if you made a mistake. As I get rid of more I have not needed to rebuy the items…. So I upped the price a little . Trying, trying. It is so hard.
Definitely true for me.
Thanks, Dad.
I feel guilty if I throw good usable stuff but I don't have the energy to find new homes for everything. Waste not ,won't not hangs over my head even though I am financially secure I'm always waiting for the axe to fall,Things might change, I might need it in the future. Blah,blah.....
Pray for me lol. It's funny how people will cause things and be the reason behind it and then also blame you and hate on you for it and the effects of their doing since birth isn't it. 😅
I know I have issues with loss after having the 2 biggest narcissists in my life robbing me of precious personal things and disrespecting my personal things.
Childhood sexual abuse is also manifested as clutter in adulthood.
And yet: I can do so in full JOY for people. Especially the ones I love or care for.... AND: feel safe while doing it.
My heart accelerated and my jaw, neck, spine, chest TIGHTEN, and my mind starts racing and I think I can't do this before I even TOUCH an object... I hate this...
Same! Came hère to write this. I definitely think a part of me only feels comfort when i experience large amounts of stress. Tackled a lot of my home, clothes but my room?! I can’t even let someone else clean it without having a
Panic attack
Sometimes
He died. My house was a disaster, been clearing it out, it's a year and a half, and still trying to clean. Sell, and donate his stuff. My healing is getting rid of all his stuff. Even burned some of his stuff. I still suffer from this clutter problem. I've come a long way. But it's a on going project. I let place to go for years. His controlling behavior, refusal to let me clean this place. Resulted in me shutting down. It was embarrasing to live like this. He self destructed. I just couldn't help him anymore. Seriously had to get therapy. GOD PLEASE ANUONE WHO LIVED THUS HELL.
For me clutter also represents financial security. There’s a lot of stuff I can sell if necessary to make some money, and also stuff that I already have now, so I don’t have to worry about being able to afford later. I am also still in an abusive relationship for over 25 years, and don’t know how to stop it.
Financial security has been my reason as well. I have gotten to the point where I need to sell most things, but I can not even do that. I am too overwhelmed and trapped in so many ways. I hope you are well. Stay strong!
@@joinacio5211 I’m still the same. I have found out about cheating and affairs and even prostitutes in the last 3 months, but I still don’t have enough money saved up for the lawyer, and I’m still so afraid of the future.
I wish you all the best and stay strong, too.
Americans have a huge area for improvement on this. Sounds dumb but try to move often as it forces most people to purge.
Yes, we are a culture based upon consumerism. Moving does help to seperate the chaff from the wheat, but it's also hard.
hmmm. the only narcissist I can think of in my life is this uncivilized civilization and I spend half my time locating the tool or item I need 😅
My sister is like that; it is a tragedy. She never had competent psychological help and has been and currently is horrible to me.
Narcissist’s systematically undermine your sense of self. I keep things because I don’t know who I am anymore, and if I don’t know who I am, then I don’t know what I need in my space. The unknown me might need this or that item in the future.
My clutter is also a physical barrier to keep him out of my art studio, my sacred space. Lastly, it serves as a way to keep him from monopolizing my every waking moment and setting my schedule to his liking. If I’m “busy” cleaning or organizing the clutter, then at least I have some say over my day and he won’t force me to traipse alongside him as his “mini me.”
This makes total sense.
Admittedly, I am ADD, however, my mother is a narcissist. Nothing I did was right.I married a narcissist, and left after taking “enough” abuse. Even though my struggle w/ clutter continues, I’m proud to say my two children don’t have that issue. They’ve grown into successful adults w/ awesome careers, and know their mother loves both unconditionally. We’ve broken that toxic, generational cycle.
Narcissists are their own worst enemy: leave, and see how fast they sink.
STOP! I feel called out
Excellent video and very helpful
You may have this backwards!!! "I love trash"-Oscar The Grouch. I think that I was pulled in by narcissists because I had unique things. I was born in an art gallery, and I am a professional picture framer and a props master at a historic play. The hoarding comes from my things being stolen from the narcissist. You know, for my own good!!! LoL 😵💫 So, after getting my own house everything has a place and everything in it's place. Brother James Kendall Moore OSB
i have become ms. Havisham.
Very worthwhile thank you 🙏🏻
Glad it was helpful!
While I may often disagree with Alphabet's ranking (and "AI NPD clutter" 😂,) You've done a great job on this video, and certainly deserve 50,000 views - maybe 5 million. Peace to ya.
Pls Share the video with bullyies & abusers
gracias.
5:48 Which way does the correlation between clutter and cortisol go?
Holy smokes. Info might be good but AI text is 3:13 difficult to listen to.
Anything salient to the actual topic starts at 5:23.
Nah, my clutter is a result of OCD. It's important to remember that people are different.
When you give AI a prompt to make a video, it tends to stay within a very limited scope, as this video does. If it was made by a human with experience in treating mental health issues, it might have been much more nuanced and expansive.
Clutter and true CDO don't mix
@@virginiamelanin0510 It mixes quite well. Please don't say what you don't know. It's offensive to OCD sufferers like myself.
Clutter can also just simply be lack of space. Period, not necessarily a trauma reaction.
I held on to my headphones because these special headphones.Are purchased as a kid on vacation.Picks up radio stations from the opposite side of other peoples.Another country's nation
The narcissist in my life.On the other hand shows the throw out and trash my private property.When I finally got around to being able to purchase crazy glue.
To remind the head piece of the headphones
The narcissist self-centered.The evil destructive woman explained.You don't need they're broken
All
It Took was $3 crazy glue to fix the most superior Radiohead phones I've ever owned in my entire life These pair of headphones picked up radio stations in the west in addition to california texas new york boston and I'll never forget that
While is inconsiderate idiot destructive worker of the satan.
Never replace what she destroyed.She also threw out one of my most price possessions telling me again
You don't need that
As if it's hers
I had a stitch kit that I purchased to cut.Find out that she threw out what I was coming to stitch up😡
When did you purchase and use those headphones? Is it possible their amazing reception was due to the strength of radio transmissions at the time? The FCC limits the amount of power stations can broadcast with these days and so their signals generally don't reach more than 50 - 100 miles.
Is this another 100% AI generated video? I am about half way through and it seems like one of those, filled with platitudes and generalizations, lacking specific examples, and generally feeling dull and lifeless. There's no life energy in anything AI produces - it's just a good facsimile of the real stuff. It feels like Las Vegas or Hollywood - it's all window dressing and cutouts and empty exteriors. It's like biting into a perfect looking plastic apple.
I'm allowing all content creators to monetize off my struggle. 66/33 split - 1% to charity omc...
How's that?
😢 true. 😢
Sounds like he is talking about hoarding more so than clutter.
Oh poop another AI
So right. The flies are circling this channel!
Im pretty sure half the video was just repeating the same 3 sentences..
6:13 This kind of reasoning really annoys me. Correlation DOES NOT equal causation!!! Just because a study finds a "link" between cortisol levels and clutter does NOT mean the clutter causes the stress! It might, but it could just as easily be the reverse - that the stress causes the clutter. It's also possible that neither is a cause but rather that there is a third or fourth factor involved. Watch out for this unintentional (and sometimes intentional deception) that happens all over RUclips!!
Jordan Peterson:
I think ai wrote it. Important topic though
You make it sound like an “art!” “Clutter” is not your fault, it is someone else’s. They have driven you to be that way… so take control of your own depressed life and do what the “narcissist” wanted… clean up this mess!
My girlfriend doing this to me with help iv been asking for help
Why do you stay with her if she is abusing you? You are worthy of respect and love. There's no reason to tolerate someone putting you down.
There higher ppl here and they screwed my up
It's because you are broken.
Bent, not broken. No one is broken - that's just learned helplessness. We can learn to help ourselves, parent ourselves, be a friend to ourselves, etc.
@@brushstroke3733 Perhaps you are bent, or someone you know is bent, only you know that. To say that "no one is broken", is a naive perspective. The human mind and nervous system does in fact become broken. If the stress is geat enough or prolonged enough, the brain goes through physical changes. People who experience shell shock are perhaps the extreme example. People diagnosed with true mental illness is another example. People with personality disorders have a better chance at modifying their behavior with professional help. However many are not self aware enough to seek help or even want to improve because they lack the self awarness. I do agree that the mind can recover in many cases, in others, their condition is more chronic.
@@nickf2170 If the brain can go through physical changes to "break" it, doesn't it seem logical the brain can go through physical changes that restore it? And wouldn't that mean it was never truly broken but only bent? Broken means a vegetable or dead, and for all we know, even the former may eventually be reversable at some point. I think we're just talking semantics and definitions here. Your response got into the substantial meat of the matter of mental illness which is much more useful than either of our simple descriptions of broken or bent.
Is this A.I. generated?
Seems like it to me! 🙄
The audio sucks!
This is the worst A. I. Narrator I’ve ever heard, get a real person please.
At least "he" doesn't have a British accent!
lol! this is silly