Of all the YT channels focussing on autism, yours makes information the most accessible and digestible. Very good entry point for various issues. However, seeing the "real" side is also appreciated - it is more relatable when someone tells you they struggle with something, and then actually show you what it looks like when they struggle. A very vulnerable thing to do, yes.
I’m saving this video cause it explains my whole life experience perfectly, basically. I’ve been learning Japanese for the past 5 years and, surprisingly enough, I’ve been learning how to socially express myself through it better than through English! Of course the thing about vocabulary and grammar rings true as well though and in combination with the whole ‘fully developing an idea is invigorating/fulfilling/accessible’ thing it’s kind of discouraging to never be able to express what I fully think about something in Japanese. But again, surprisingly enough, I’m getting more of my incomplete ideas out in Japanese than in English simply because perfection isn’t an option. Also, completely relate to the ‘taking a week to make a 5 minute presentation’ as well! It’s painful and tiring but it’s my life, so. Even this message right now is getting too tiring for me to complete my train of thought in… it’s getting more and more vague- sorry if this isn’t making sense anymore lol. Thank you! Bye (:
It's tiring because you hold too many ideas in your head at the same time. Try writing everything down on a notepad or a sheet of paper, just write down keywords and write your texts or make your presentations afterwards. You need to do a brainstorming and connect your ideas and with that you can work
I have had a similar experience with Japanese (and living in Japan for a year)! For me, the fact that many Japanese people assume that non-Japanese (-looking) people will not understand the social customs was quite helpful, because it meant that a) such customs are frequently actually explained to you explicitly [also in... 教科書..] and that b) people are a lot more forgiving. I feel like doing an exchange year in Japan while I was a teenager had, in a way, taught me about how social customs work, which made things a lot easier afterwards (which on the downside probably increased masking a lot...). On the language level as well, I speak several languages but Japanese is the one I feel most relaxed in even though my level is not quite as high as in other languages and I think it's because I am very clearly a 外人, which means Japanese people are already impressed if I can say anything and don't usually get upset at me messing up, which means I don't need to worry as much about accidentally upsetting or offending people.
I used to read phrase books a bit obsessively in a similar way. Though I think it was more the idea of using than knowing or being confident that it was actually useful to me.
I write poetry. I write poetry in my head. As soon as words hit paper they crumble to ashes. There are perfect poems in my head. They are perfect. As soon as I lay them down they betray me. Like throwing out a fishing net and when I pull it it's heavy with fish and when I land it they are all gone. As soon as I open my mouth my heavy wordfish swim away from me and I'm left caught, tangled up in an empty fishing net that scars me in the shape of letters.
I can’t thank you enough for this video and you should be very proud of yourself. I have the exactly same problem with communicating with people. It’s all in my head but trying to get it out in a sensible manner is so hard. I am a 56 year old female. I have struggled my whole life with life, If that makes sense. When I was younger, I was often told by my teachers that I was slow, or I wasn’t trying hard enough. Someone once asked me why I was so thick. I was a day dreamer. I was labelled as being shy, which I hate. That label has stayed with me. I wasn’t shy, I was socially awkward. When people tell you these things constantly, you begin to believe them. I always thought I was just stupid. Then a few years ago I read something about inattentive ADHD and I suddenly realised I was reading about myself. I just sat and cried. I went to school in the uk in the 70s and I’m afraid the education system let me down badly. I discovered through watching you tube videos, such as your one, that I have Autistic traits. When I was younger I hated my mum holding my hand too slack. It made me feel angry to the point it would make me cry. If my socks were inside out or if my sleeves were too long, I cried and felt anger. I hate cardigans without buttons because they flap about too much. It all started to make sense in my head. I am in the process of being diagnosed. I feel like I have lost out in life in a few ways. But thanks to you and other you tubers I am hoping I can find the real me and not hide behind a mask anymore 😊 Thank you x
Thank you for sharing this 'half-formed' content. It's relatable to see your real-time struggle. I think most of us are watching your content because we feel unpolished in a world where we have such a high bar for ourselves. Seeing that we are not alone in that struggle is very powerful. Thank you.
I can soo relate to what you say. I look neuro-typical but, I struggle to communicate effectively with my own family, business colleagues etc. The only time I can communicate reasonably easily is with a good friend, someone I really trust. God Bless you Brother… 53 yr old Aspie.
Your super-meticulous approach makes sense whenever the recipient can't ask you anything. So basically for every text that's written in advance. Novels for example. I wished more novelists (or their editors) actually tried that more. Because half of the time you can't even be sure of what they wanted to say.
I don’t need the live stuff. I love being able to watch and rewatch your pre recorded videos. Also, half formed ideas are great to share. Often it can open the door to discussion and others can help you complete your ideas or even just keep exploring. Your videos have been the very best out there in how to deal with autism and ND relationships. Thank you so much for not only shedding some light, but for showing solutions and giving hope! Your autism channel is the best one out there!
Paul, you are really doing an amazing job! I have been watching your weekly videos for over a year now and they have been immensely helpful. I am autistic and share many of the communication issues and concerns that you encounter. I would like to say that I have nothing but respect for all your hard work. As you know, being autistic is tough, but I very much value your wisdom and encouragement to overcome challenges and thrive in such a complex world.
Very relatable honestly, especially the bit about sometimes struggling to communicate even with ourselves. I have a big fear of being misinterpreted too - for good reason because there's a painful history with that and it's quite triggering when it happens again. I do think there is value in having social space to process, ponder things, have those raw thoughts, consider things we may abandon later or may become a discovery. I really like closed autistic support groups for that - it's a good place to work things out. I find it easier with written communication than speech. Space to communicate imperfectly is so important, it takes away so much pressure.
Yes I've felt Like I was loosing my mind at how bad people would misinterpret things I say and do! The better I thought I do the worse it got I was so depressed over that for years and have been feeling better since finding thi channel I think like about 3 years ago. So grateful I am not alone in this anymore.
This is awesome and exactly the same problem I struggle with when trying to communicate with people - especially if the topic is a difficult subject. I struggle to know where to begin in the first place but then I also try (too hard) to make my communication as precise and perfect (easy to understand) as possible for the other person which just makes it stressful and harder for me. Thankfully I am learning that I don't need to be perfect and it is much less stressful (and more effective) to just say what I am thinking to 'let it out of my head' while the idea or thought is still small and managable and then expand on it later or explain deeper if it is needed. Ie. Let the other person decide if they understand or not and let them ask any questions they need to ask to clarify. Thankyou!!!
I rehearse what I'm going to say. It's why writing is so much easier, and why I have OCD and edit my comments. I've given into it again as you can see. 😅
This is very relatable… I am just at the very beginning of this journey of understanding and possibly seeking a diagnosis with autism…and I’m stressed about communicating correctly with my doctor about *why* I am seeking an assessment. I tend to do best ‘off the cuff’… and don’t follow my own notes very well. I am a ‘performer’ in that I’m great on stage without much script. I literally talk out loud to myself all day long {I’m a homemaker… meaning no job, kids raised}, and I always say ‘thanks for coming to my Ted talk’ …and consider this practice for actual conversations and discussions. I also suspect my very small circle of friends and my family are ND as well, so we go deep fast, and we ‘get’ each other and riff off each other’s comments and ideas pretty well. Doesn’t work as well with NT folks like my doctor Anyway, wordy way of saying i get you, i resonate, and happy to have stumbled upon your channel.
I know I've already commented, but I wanted to add something. Not being able to communicate complete ideas or thoughts to others has been an issue for me as well. I've found that keeping multiple RUclips playlists for various topics is extremely helpful for me because I can play a song or video or poem for the person I'm with, or I can send them a link to a video. That helps me to get my message across in a form that's been properly organized and makes sense.
Man, I appreciate your videos so much. I've been told by multiple friends who have autism that I seem autistic, but I've never been diagnosed with autism because it's hard to find a Dr in my area who is willing to diagnose adults. My therapist has been trying for awhile. Anyway, I appreciate your videos because I relate on so many levels. Thank you.
These days I find myself making speeches at people. On the whole I feel this is an improvement on decades making confused points or else saying nothing at all. I channeled a lot of my energies into writing poems and stories, but I was confused as a writer too. Even writing this comment has been a process of much untangling. Training as an artist helped me use my confusion in a positive way. When I was younger the part of my communication that I was missing was meaning. I think I borrowed what others meant and then arranged my own words to decorate it. But all the while I knew I had a meaning of my own but which was being received like I was from another country, if not another world. Now that I am remarkably old I am a member of a rather inarticulate age group, and for some reason I am arriving from solitude and silence while others in my generation are gradually heading into it. Art, again, has helped me understand there are many languages - of the heart and of the mind - and that social language (which I had no ability to use) was only one of them.
My son often agonizes over word choices and will often melt down when I paraphrase my understanding of what he said back to him. He stresses if it isn’t word for word. When you speak of your fears of saying things unclearly I understand his anxiety better. I like sharing 1/2 formed ideas because there is less stress on the other person to understand and repeat perfectly what has just been said. You are building an idea together. The people who communicate with autistic speakers have a great deal of stress and fear of speaking incorrectly too.
No we don't. We just communicate with them. Period. We're not fearing anything. We don't have to have problems to communicate with the Autistic. Probably people in our family behave like that so we're just used to it.
Boys who operate from their feelings and become men who operate from their feelings and emotions and up in the prison system gamma shot by police because they're misunderstood and they tend to act out their emotions even in adulthood and that is tragic. Boys need masculine mentors gamma to regulate their emotions and use their rationality. Don't turn your boy into a girl, he'll make you suffer for it and he will too. Please check out Rollo tomassi rational male
Hi Paul! You have come a long way since your early videos when you had to bounce a ball to hold a train of thought. You are an amazing speaker now. I am not autistic and I fear the same things.
You might find that he never "needed" to bounce a ball like a permanent thing, but in those moments that he did it simply felt good and helpful. Life is a dynamic journey and sometimes you bounce a ball because it helps you hold a train of thought and sometimes you don't.
You do explain this difficult issue we genuinely face so very well! As a fellow late diagnosed Autistic I can relate so well to all that you explained here. It is my lived experience!
Yes, the "fishing idea" is something I learned on my own to express myself - stressful around NTs but great when alone writing my thoughts or just thinking. I didn't know it had a name. Makes sense. When writing a paper, I would write all my thoughts on separate pages (word docs or whatever) and then look at them all and figure out how they go together in a cohesive and orderly way while embellishing.
Thank you for posting this!! You have changed my life...thank you for giving me words....my whole life I thought it was only me and then I found your videos...and I'm not the only one thank you!
I'm a freelance artist and I basically depend on communication to get gigs and therefore I'm facing a lot of difficulties in finding work because I cannot communicate and or share ideas :( people think I'm arrogant, I keep isolating myself because I fear they will misinterpret like they always do, if I try contacting again
I relate to so much of what you talked about. Love that bicycle speed analogy; and how you feel the need to express yourself perfectly to avoid misunderstanding only to find it fails. I get frustrated with online communication because, while it allows me to express my ideas succinctly and completely, it usually results in a wall of text that the recipient largely ignores. I have an enormous fear of being misinterpreted. Having said that, I basically only communicate online. When I have half-formed ideas I note them down for my own benefit and then I find I'm more likely to mull them over in my subconscious and build on them.
This is exactly what my experience is. I have tried so hard to articulate with as much clarity as I can, then probably over sharing in an effort to cover lots of information still trying to not be misunderstood. A recent experience really did my head in as I realised the person still totally missed the point I was trying to maker. I give up on that particular person now, but am doing battle with myself as to whether I need another new strategy or just give myself a break and don’t even bother with people I’m not close to. Socially I think I might feel better to just keep how I feel to myself and concentrate more on the type of person I’m trying to just get along with at a distance.
I would vote YES for you to more often have Lives, put on the camera the way you did today without a plan. I found this live to be really interesting, I read along what the chat said as well and even though I couldn't watch it live because of the time difference for me, I felt like I was present at a fascinating and wide-ranging conversation. It has been a valuable experience - thank you!!
At 25 minutes in, I said out loud “there’s the answer to your challenge!“ Record some of your idea beginnings, not necessarily live. Hold onto it until the idea becomes something interesting in any way. Then do a video where you introduce the half baked idea, show your initial recording that you had kept private until now, and finish with thoughts on how it turned out and how communication between others may have helped. You did it! I share your channel info often. Thanks!🌵
Thank you Paul. For expressing yourself and all your ideas/inner thoughts. You are just what the doctor ordered (I know you're not a "doctor diagnosing" 😊 so grateful for you and your presence. Thanks again for helping so many souls. ❤
I relate to ALL of this and the monkeys analogy and how your brain processes what you are trying to articulate! I don't even know if this is relevant buuuuuut taking my half-formed ideas to other ND folx or having them bring theirs to me, and then having that ND mind meld thing that happens not only helps finish the idea but we come up with 328 more ideas. It gives me SO MUCH DOPAMINE 😍😍😍😍 It's like, all of a sudden the imagination is turned all the way up for all of us, all the bees in our brains are coming together to create these layers of ideas that are modular and buildable, and entirely new worlds are created. It's my favorite ❤️
I agree wholeheartedly about the meshing of ideas and building out much greater concepts and experiences when talking with other ND people. It's an accelerated, exciting, fulfilling experience.
Just leave this unedited. We can understand the point and it stands on its own. Agree that talking while ideas are half formed can be symbiotic and draw out the ideas. Society places to much emphasis on articulate verbal prowess to the detriment of everything else. We are constantly bombarded with superficial images policticians, celebrities etc whose only real ability is in presenting a public chattering persona.
Dude Paul let me tell you how amazed you articulated and organized your videos!!!😳Now I understand how much work goes behind the scenes. Thank you so much you've helped me so much. As a women and a mother I have truly found common ground and understanding myself. Why not, not, putting to much pressure on your self and when you feel like it, freestyle, like your doing this time and I will have your back . For my part at least.This is nice too but don't feel bad if you want to structure up a more planned out video to as well! As those are amazing too. Also I love a lot of the points everyone is bringing out in the comments as well🤔!
Paul, I am enjoying your videos very much. Your calm and thoughtful delivery is to be commended. You did an excellent job in this first live video. Your videos are so helpful for us to understand those who are autistic. Thank you for your hard work. You are helping more people than you realize, autistic or not. God bless you and your mission in helping us ALL. ❤️
Hi Paul, I just recently found your channel and just want to say a big Thank you for showing up for all of us. Your videos are really needed! I recognize myself in mostly everything you’re talking about and that is so helpful. Thank you 🙏🏼
I vote yes to more live and just going with it. I like to see real as they say. Also, the more we can see ourselves reflected back at us, the better IMO.
I resonate so much with your sharing near the beginning of how difficult it is to communicate ideas to others and remember all that you've thought of that you want to communicate to others. I come to with things while I'm thinking about something, but then almost all of it "poofs" away from my mind as soon as I go to jot it down.
I have the same experience with most people, it's getting easier now as I get older. It takes a lot of practice, what you spoke of in the beginning, self acceptance of your own personal style and not have expectations. It's the same for me, the monkeys, one after the other, almost always now. But my memory is constantly changing. It's frustrating, I know. But it forces us to rethink the same ideas differently, that's how I look at it. Feedback is huge. Feedback is how we learn, we really need it now. I'm having the same realizations at 50. Many people still prefer to bully difference , instead of trying to understand that everyone is different and none of us are immaculate. If we try to understand each other by all making this effort, we'd all make a lot of progress.
I think your communication is great 🎉 I listen to several different podcasters on different subjects but I enjoys yours the most. I have not seen you “half baked” thoughts. 😊❤
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting this be online. It resonates so deeply. At 39 I am just beginning to see Autism as a puzzle piece that makes sense of so much of my life experience. Maybe I am autistic. Maybe not. But either way, hearing you and others online share about struggles or experiences - what life is like "on the inside" - makes a huge impact on people like me who never knew before now that there are others out there who relate to certain life experiences. It is amazingly helpful and inspiring.
My struggle (particularly at work) is when I suggest a useful idea, only to be ignored or misunderstood, and then several days later, or a week, someone else suggests the EXACT SAME IDEA based on fairly obvious observations for anyone with a brain - that I already suggested, and at that point it's a great idea, hey let's go with it. from someone else. But if suggest it. Forget about it. 🙃
Love you doing an live!! The visual contact is lacking even in the making of videos (things I notice in myself) thanks for the realness you put on RUclips.... I see myself in you... But I don't have the diagnosis 😒
I’ve become better at communication over the years. I attribute this to a working in sales. It isn’t a great career for a lot of people but it works for me. I still struggle with recognizing sarcasm, dominating conversation, oversharing (especially when someone asks “how are you” and expects a 1 word answer. It’s a work in progress.
Word! I love you, brother! Thank you so much for pushing the envelope and creating space where we can be heard. Your videos are so helpful and informative. You are a huge inspiration and I really appreciate what you are doing. Blessings
I appreciated this live stream of thought as it is closer to my lived experience than your fully prepared, recorded performances (which are also useful for succinctly communicating complex ideas). To overcome anxiety one approach is to gradually expose yourself to the source of the anxiety with appropriate support available. I hope that this public channel is that space so it can support more people, but I would understand if you wanted to keep it to Patrion supporters as a safer space. Love your work. Please keep it up (from the UK) 🙂
I tuned in too late to chat, but I watched the whole stream anyway! Paul, thank you SO MUCH for what you do!!! Having live steam and answering questions sounds amazing, so long as you’re not overloading yourself. I definitely would love to read a book written by you. You’re an amazing person, and I really appreciate everything you do!
One thing in my own journey that I discovered is that if you manage to get what you need to survive without having to compromise who you are (a rare thing I realise) all of this stress over miscommunication goes away. because you are no longer dependent on accurate communication with "neurotypicals" to keep fed and have a roof over your head. So you can gravitate towards those whom both understand you, and whom you understand. if you have to deal with normies all day, every day, it can be intensely stressful. But if you are left to your own devices and allowed to hang around with who you want to, it's a whole different ball game.
At the age of 71 I am just learning that I have asd. I have been watching your videos and others for a while now and I fully understand what you're saying. I have no trouble understanding what people with asd are trying to say. A big eye opener for me. Thanks for the videos.
Thank you Paul for sharing, don't remove this video. You've said that which I never know how to explain to people. Even if I write out a script, I tend to talk too fast and something will pop-up in my mind, but I don't know how to get it out there, so then I rather not say anything. And when I try to work from key words or phrases, I can't remember what I wanted to say originally. Also what I want to say never end up coming out right and it's created so much misunderstandings. It's difficult to be among people who just do not get you, but also don't make an effort to meet you halfway in the conversation.
I’m very impressed with your communication skills. You are so good at expressing feelings, experiences and presenting the information in a useful way. I appreciate that you’re working hard to present well but you really are quite articulate!
Collecting the partial thoughts and making them complete is also a major struggle, I like the monkey analogy but that takes coordination that I find difficult also
You made so much sense. If I talk like these-usually I do, and talk more about how I reached a particular idea or conclusion, and most NeuroTypical ppl would not bother. To the extent I have sometimes advised my son not to ramble when running short of time ..but I do it myself.
You are a great communicator! Completely crisyal clear and retable. Apply "less (of perfectionistic planning/prepping) can actually be more (successful communication)". Thank you so much for expressing my own experience in comunicating ideas!!!
Wow! Thank you so much for making this video! I think you explained it perfectly with your examples of the monkeys and riding a bicycle. When I was listening, I just thought "yes! That is my brain! This is how my mind works!"
Thank you for sharing this. I relate to it soo much... as an artist i often have a million ideas buzzing around my head. I do my best to get them out but sometimes it is overwhelming. If I do somehow share them with others or on paper it does not seem to justify the idea that was in my head at all if that makes sense. Yes to more live streams. 😀
I love you dude, im in the same boat. Ive always tried to organize my visions or mindacapes, but more than likely they are distorted words or feelings. After i have the thought/invisioned the scope of things ,then I soon talk myself out of the original topic. I want to connect so bad, but it never seems to hit home. It's always exciting learning new things, but people don't know what's best for themselves and its hard to tell humanity without seeming controlling.
28:19 - this is just 100% me :D Recently I also started doing that trick with telling others about my wip kind of ideas to get the motivation to actually get them done, as without it I may come up with a million of excuses at every moment of working on it to give it up if it turns out to be hard (and pretty much every creative stuff is easy to start but hard to finish). Thanks for sharing your ideas on this topic, rambling can sometimes be very helpful.
Thank you for doing this like this, your videos are always great and very helpful, but because they are so ‘polished’ we don’t see your real struggles. This video has show me how much like me you are, there is a real struggle to get out what I really think, what I really want to say. Maybe doing a mix, of ‘off hand raw stuff’ and videos of polished stuff as well. The well polished videos are for more education, but this raw chat is great because it’s so re assuring to see that although you struggled to put your thoughts into words, yet I got to see you and understand that you are able to function around this struggle. I haven’t put that into words well, so I hope you understand!
Thank you so much for your work and doing these videos. Yes, your communication is coming across loud and clear. I find that it is like you are trying to tell me about me. It helps me to understand many of the difficulties I have with people.
I love the way you analyze this, Paul. One of the things I resonate with.... where you say the person you're communicating with fills in the blanks. I've noticed if i don't plan a script word for word, but just think through a few ideas on a subject i want to talk about, and then present it off the top of my head spontaneously, there are a lot of blanks, sometimes big ones. One time I watched myself in a video, and those blanks seemed like chasms to me, but the people watching it with me said, that was fine, that was great! (Whaaaaat?) Maybe it's good to leave gaps for your listeners to fill, the bigger the better, leaving them more opportunity to participate in what you're trying to say. Their interpretation might not match your efforts, but the combination of both your efforts might create something even better, might create more questions, different ones. Which will mean your responsibility is lessened, but in fact you've ended up creating a space for deeper communication. More intuition, less logic involved. More genuine on both sides. Scarier though, I think, going in....
Accurate and effective communication requires full participation of all parties. Yes the onus is on the person communicating, to determine whether their communication has been effective. There is, though, a reliance of on effort by all parties concerned. Sometimes we can nail it, sometimes not. Words can often be inadequate, when the concepts go beyond normal understanding.
I can't imagine how unnerving it must be to speak on youtube. Let alone at a time where you feel your tongue is not flowing so to speak. I highly respect your willingness to be vulnerable. I know that I am not that courageous. I have such a fear of looking stupid. I think it's perfectly fine to share not fully developed ideas. Particularly if you are looking to develop it and are open to others insights and feedback. It's a think tank of sorts. I like your channel and the information you share. I am new to both. It makes so much sense. It only took 59 years of struggling, searching, loathing myself and feeling flawed. I think this is a safe place. I hope you're encouraged by my words. I have been marathoning on your videos! Thank you.
You are incredibly, have courage, ahead of your time for sure. I completely understand everything you shared. You speak my language clearly! Thank you ❤
Thanks for this video, it has helped me understand what is holding me back from taking action or executing my creative/ artistic/ business ideas. I now know how to go forward.
Thank you so much for sharing this! If you should come up with a receip for stopping the Research thing, please please make one more Video also like this, because the accindentally given side informations and thoughts can lead to more! Like little treasures on the way
i rlly enjoyed this!! its easier for me to take notes if its in the form of a live chat, if only say whats necessary &or most important its sometimes too much at once & i cant keep up so i dont rlly do it. i love the half ideas & i would really want to see more of these! "not everything has to be perfect"!
Same with the language barrier! My husband is deaf. When we met I didn’t know sign language. Condensing communication helped me understand how most other people interact better.
Also, when I used situations from movies or tv shows to express what I was trying to say, he didn’t find it weird. He started doing the same. With us struggling through the language barrier he welcomed this tool to use fewer words.
Excellent, thank you ❤❤❤. I totally identified with much of what was expressed in the video. I wish I had a bit of your eloquence and communicative power, for me it is complex and difficult to access certain information in my brain to express it, I get tangled up in wanting to do it better or to be understood a little.
This sounds very logical to me. And i think thats a very normal way of comunicating, that the other person tries to understand the idea and meet halfways.
You seem more together than me (58, undiagnosed) I have been learning to slow down and take a breath while talking so I will not lose the part that I have already (and also to calm the anxiety that I feel that my mind will go blank if I try to think too hard) and want to say and then possibly more will come as well. Sometimes it flows but that's more of a writing thing than a talking thing for the most part.
Hi Paul, I enjoyed your live video, and appreciated seeing you exposing your ideas in a genuine way. This way shoild be more natural for you and less time consuming for you don't need to prepare your presentation ahead of time ( probably jotting down some bullet points of your ideas to guide you along).
Thank you so much for doing this video!!! i am on the spectrum and have tried and tried to let my husband know these things. Turns out he is very likely on the spectrum as well only undiagnosed (he recently brought this idea up himself), and that is one of the things that makes our communication so impossibly difficult! We are finally (after 26 years of marriage starting to gradually learn to understand, accept and help each other more successfully! I regret that he would likely be unable to listen to this video because of it's length, but I am grateful for the great examples of delineation that your videos provide.... I think I'll come back to this one later with a notebook! Keep it up, you are awesome!!
Thanks Paul! To summarize: "There's a language barrier". This makes perfect sense. The foreiner analogy is apt. I love the chain of monkeys analogy as well. Mine are unruly monkeys as well! Gotta get 'em out of the box fast, or they they're off fighting or playing with each other while swinging through the trees! One way to think about the foreinger thing, is to imagine a native assumes you understand the language. They start talking to you for a minute straight, telling you about nuclear physics. That's exactly what I tend to do when speaking to nuerotypicals about my special interests. Strategey I'm gonna try now: Pretend they don't speak the same language - but a similar one. Assume they know nothing about what I want to discuss. Slow down. Wait to see how they respond. Make ajustments based on their responses. Don't blame self if not understood. Realize that I won't necessarily be able to share all my thoughts, or the same thoughts I might with a native (austistic) person. Because there's a language barrier!
Trying to share half formed ideas: Only with people who are patient and understanding and genuinely want to contribute Only when feeling calm and taking "breath breaks" to calm the mind and keep going (trying to avoid anxiety of mind going blank) I like to brainstorm alone so I can prove to myself that I can do it.
The fishing analogy is exactly what I experience. I'll be trying to remember something, so I'll take something that I hope will trigger the memory like something I've just watched, or read, or heard, or even an object I'm experiencing and cast that into the murky depths of my mind. Sometimes I catch 'the big one' and it's exactly what I was hoping I'd remember. Other times, I catch a carp of a similar idea but not what I was hoping for. Still other times, I'll catch a little minnow of another memory triggering image or sound that I'll just cast back in. Unfortunately, sometimes I don't catch anything in time and the whole chance to express what I'd hope to has passed. At those times, I just stammer, or change the subject, or wait for someone I'm trying to talk to change the subject. I even have conversations with my very best friend - my wife - in which I'll just run out of things to say on the subject at hand. Luckily, she understands and goes easy on me about it. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk live very much. I don't think I could do that myself.
I would say, the reason why you get surprizingly well understood in a foreign laguage is, the the other (!) people give more effort in understanding you, as they inderstand it is not easy for you to express exactly what you want to say.
I enjoy these videos. I have been diagnosed as autistic. I am always over or under communicating. I do not feel anxious about it, but I cannot get it "right" - wish it was just ok to alternate between being terse or verbose.
Perfect video for where I'm at right now, trying to build a business and not knowing how to explain myself on the About Me page as it's more my life and experience that have led to what I do. I don't want to mention the autism as in my head this would mean having to explain that too. I think when there's problems in worrying that I'll be misunderstood and I am very wordy and garrulous when "explaining" something to get to the point. I am much better in response or if speaking spontaneously where I seem to just channel. If I had to give a TED talk they would have to give me an hour's slot as I would find other little random interesting bits of information to share. I think the key is in really not caring - in just having the confidence to be myself. Excellent topic, Paul, and well done on the Live too.
I love the "next monkey" metaphor? I use it all the time now, interlocked with "idea bundle" with is my phrase for the chain of monkeys that comes out on paper when I write. My monkey chains often comes out in weird leaps of topics and circles back to the original thought from time to time.
You get to the nitty gritty of how I, too, struggle with vocal communication versus written. My housemates regularly roleplay (e.g. DnD) and I like the idea of it but personally find it absolutely exhausting. I also struggle to find words to express my thoughts because I mostly don't think in words but abstract images (broader than visual, what eyes do). I'd love to explore how this same language impedance might explain how I can have such a tremendous imagination with complicated (fictional) plots and sense of motives and conspiracies and characterization yet labor painfully over getting it into text. I wish I could record my thoughts, but again I don't really think in words most of the time-or at least not only in words. I DO have constant narration going on in my head. The most obvious "explanation" is that because small talk comes so hard to us (autistics) it must be hard to create realistic dialog. True, but insubstantial as explanation. In my train of thought, words comprise a minority of the elements of my thought stream; so I find even freewriting inadequate to what I'm trying to express. Likewise I have a super difficult time explaining my thoughts in debate or when I'm trying to express an abstract idea verbally. Does all this ring with any of you that like to write? Aspiring authors? Has anybody successfully published having found tools/methods that help them transcend that threshold?
I posted this as a "reply" to someone else, but i think it good to post it as a comment on it's own. I see where you are coming from with tending to think that people are just wanting to be nice, and I am certain that several of these comments are of that nature. However, If you have seen many of Paul's videos, the vast majority are "productive and structured" by neurotypical standards. As a neurotypical myself, married to someone very much like Paul, it was good for BOTH of us to "See the struggle" as it were. Truth is, this video was difficult for my husband to watch ( he needed to make the playback speed 1.5X to get thru it), but to see someone like himself go thru the struggle is very helpful. He was able to relate, in real time, to the struggle as he was watching it unfold live. I was able to see someone else like my husband struggle, in real time; which helps me understand and appreciate his condition more. I hope this explains how this is indeed very "productive" for many who watched. The nature of this video was too allow us to see the struggle, and allow Paul to tackle some fear. Yes, he was clearly anxious and yes some people felt empathy toward him and wanted to comfort and encourage him. Whether or not it was healthy for Paul is for Paul to assess; which he clearly has the intellect, knowledge, and ability to do. This was a great change of pace. No, most of his video output should not be in this format. Yes, on occasion... maybe once a month or so? ...this type of video is WELCOME and NEEDED as a reality check to see that even someone like Paul, who has made such strides with improvement in his areas of weakness, still struggles. After all... he is an Aspie, not a neurotypical.😊😉
I have been struggling with expressing myself lately too, but I discovered, because I'm good at drawing I also have an option to visually express myself and the drawings can communicate some things better than words do. Doesn't help much with talking with someone, but I found that if I really want to tell something, I try it that way and often once I do, then I know the next steps of expressing myself. Sometimes your head needs to be 'cleared' by already sharing something, to make space for the rest to come out, I guess!
Sharing half an idea gives us a chance to collaborate which is nice because then it feels like my contribution may be valuable to you. Then I feel validated as a person, like I matter too.
This reminds me of creating content about autism on my channel. As yet I have not been brave enough to talk to a camera or a microphone, so I write out my words beforehand. Although lately I have realized this may not be as efficient.
Of all the YT channels focussing on autism, yours makes information the most accessible and digestible. Very good entry point for various issues. However, seeing the "real" side is also appreciated - it is more relatable when someone tells you they struggle with something, and then actually show you what it looks like when they struggle. A very vulnerable thing to do, yes.
I’m saving this video cause it explains my whole life experience perfectly, basically. I’ve been learning Japanese for the past 5 years and, surprisingly enough, I’ve been learning how to socially express myself through it better than through English! Of course the thing about vocabulary and grammar rings true as well though and in combination with the whole ‘fully developing an idea is invigorating/fulfilling/accessible’ thing it’s kind of discouraging to never be able to express what I fully think about something in Japanese. But again, surprisingly enough, I’m getting more of my incomplete ideas out in Japanese than in English simply because perfection isn’t an option. Also, completely relate to the ‘taking a week to make a 5 minute presentation’ as well! It’s painful and tiring but it’s my life, so. Even this message right now is getting too tiring for me to complete my train of thought in… it’s getting more and more vague- sorry if this isn’t making sense anymore lol. Thank you! Bye (:
It's tiring because you hold too many ideas in your head at the same time. Try writing everything down on a notepad or a sheet of paper, just write down keywords and write your texts or make your presentations afterwards. You need to do a brainstorming and connect your ideas and with that you can work
I have had a similar experience with Japanese (and living in Japan for a year)! For me, the fact that many Japanese people assume that non-Japanese (-looking) people will not understand the social customs was quite helpful, because it meant that a) such customs are frequently actually explained to you explicitly [also in... 教科書..] and that b) people are a lot more forgiving. I feel like doing an exchange year in Japan while I was a teenager had, in a way, taught me about how social customs work, which made things a lot easier afterwards (which on the downside probably increased masking a lot...). On the language level as well, I speak several languages but Japanese is the one I feel most relaxed in even though my level is not quite as high as in other languages and I think it's because I am very clearly a 外人, which means Japanese people are already impressed if I can say anything and don't usually get upset at me messing up, which means I don't need to worry as much about accidentally upsetting or offending people.
いいですね、友達！私和ケビｲンです。よろしくおねがいします!
100 percent
I used to read phrase books a bit obsessively in a similar way. Though I think it was more the idea of using than knowing or being confident that it was actually useful to me.
I write poetry.
I write poetry in my head.
As soon as words hit paper they crumble to ashes. There are perfect poems in my head. They are perfect. As soon as I lay them down they betray me.
Like throwing out a fishing net and when I pull it it's heavy with fish and when I land it they are all gone.
As soon as I open my mouth my heavy wordfish swim away from me and I'm left caught, tangled up in an empty fishing net that scars me in the shape of letters.
Your writing IS poetry. Lovely.
I can’t thank you enough for this video and you should be very proud of yourself. I have the exactly same problem with communicating with people. It’s all in my head but trying to get it out in a sensible manner is so hard. I am a 56 year old female. I have struggled my whole life with life, If that makes sense. When I was younger, I was often told by my teachers that I was slow, or I wasn’t trying hard enough. Someone once asked me why I was so thick. I was a day dreamer. I was labelled as being shy, which I hate. That label has stayed with me. I wasn’t shy, I was socially awkward. When people tell you these things constantly, you begin to believe them. I always thought I was just stupid. Then a few years ago I read something about inattentive ADHD and I suddenly realised I was reading about myself. I just sat and cried. I went to school in the uk in the 70s and I’m afraid the education system let me down badly. I discovered through watching you tube videos, such as your one, that I have Autistic traits. When I was younger I hated my mum holding my hand too slack. It made me feel angry to the point it would make me cry. If my socks were inside out or if my sleeves were too long, I cried and felt anger. I hate cardigans without buttons because they flap about too much. It all started to make sense in my head. I am in the process of being diagnosed. I feel like I have lost out in life in a few ways. But thanks to you and other you tubers I am hoping I can find the real me and not hide behind a mask anymore 😊 Thank you x
Diagnosed at 58 here , a female who had no Idea I was autistic.makes sense now.
Thank you for sharing this 'half-formed' content. It's relatable to see your real-time struggle. I think most of us are watching your content because we feel unpolished in a world where we have such a high bar for ourselves. Seeing that we are not alone in that struggle is very powerful. Thank you.
I can soo relate to what you say. I look neuro-typical but, I struggle to communicate effectively with my own family, business colleagues etc. The only time I can communicate reasonably easily is with a good friend, someone I really trust. God Bless you Brother…
53 yr old Aspie.
Your super-meticulous approach makes sense whenever the recipient can't ask you anything.
So basically for every text that's written in advance. Novels for example.
I wished more novelists (or their editors) actually tried that more.
Because half of the time you can't even be sure of what they wanted to say.
I don’t need the live stuff. I love being able to watch and rewatch your pre recorded videos. Also, half formed ideas are great to share. Often it can open the door to discussion and others can help you complete your ideas or even just keep exploring.
Your videos have been the very best out there in how to deal with autism and ND relationships. Thank you so much for not only shedding some light, but for showing solutions and giving hope! Your autism channel is the best one out there!
Paul, you are really doing an amazing job! I have been watching your weekly videos for over a year now and they have been immensely helpful. I am autistic and share many of the communication issues and concerns that you encounter. I would like to say that I have nothing but respect for all your hard work. As you know, being autistic is tough, but I very much value your wisdom and encouragement to overcome challenges and thrive in such a complex world.
Very relatable honestly, especially the bit about sometimes struggling to communicate even with ourselves. I have a big fear of being misinterpreted too - for good reason because there's a painful history with that and it's quite triggering when it happens again.
I do think there is value in having social space to process, ponder things, have those raw thoughts, consider things we may abandon later or may become a discovery. I really like closed autistic support groups for that - it's a good place to work things out. I find it easier with written communication than speech. Space to communicate imperfectly is so important, it takes away so much pressure.
Yes I've felt Like I was loosing my mind at how bad people would misinterpret things I say and do! The better I thought I do the worse it got I was so depressed over that for years and have been feeling better since finding thi channel I think like about 3 years ago. So grateful I am not alone in this anymore.
I find it easier face to face
This is awesome and exactly the same problem I struggle with when trying to communicate with people - especially if the topic is a difficult subject. I struggle to know where to begin in the first place but then I also try (too hard) to make my communication as precise and perfect (easy to understand) as possible for the other person which just makes it stressful and harder for me. Thankfully I am learning that I don't need to be perfect and it is much less stressful (and more effective) to just say what I am thinking to 'let it out of my head' while the idea or thought is still small and managable and then expand on it later or explain deeper if it is needed. Ie. Let the other person decide if they understand or not and let them ask any questions they need to ask to clarify. Thankyou!!!
I agree with you 💯
I rehearse what I'm going to say. It's why writing is so much easier, and why I have OCD and edit my comments. I've given into it again as you can see. 😅
This is very relatable… I am just at the very beginning of this journey of understanding and possibly seeking a diagnosis with autism…and I’m stressed about communicating correctly with my doctor about *why* I am seeking an assessment. I tend to do best ‘off the cuff’… and don’t follow my own notes very well. I am a ‘performer’ in that I’m great on stage without much script. I literally talk out loud to myself all day long {I’m a homemaker… meaning no job, kids raised}, and I always say ‘thanks for coming to my Ted talk’ …and consider this practice for actual conversations and discussions. I also suspect my very small circle of friends and my family are ND as well, so we go deep fast, and we ‘get’ each other and riff off each other’s comments and ideas pretty well. Doesn’t work as well with NT folks like my doctor Anyway, wordy way of saying i get you, i resonate, and happy to have stumbled upon your channel.
I know I've already commented, but I wanted to add something. Not being able to communicate complete ideas or thoughts to others has been an issue for me as well. I've found that keeping multiple RUclips playlists for various topics is extremely helpful for me because I can play a song or video or poem for the person I'm with, or I can send them a link to a video. That helps me to get my message across in a form that's been properly organized and makes sense.
I do this also
This is how I communicated ideas with my GF
Man, I appreciate your videos so much. I've been told by multiple friends who have autism that I seem autistic, but I've never been diagnosed with autism because it's hard to find a Dr in my area who is willing to diagnose adults. My therapist has been trying for awhile. Anyway, I appreciate your videos because I relate on so many levels. Thank you.
Every part of this video was so healing for me! Yes, I relate to every point, so deeply! Ahhhhh, thank you =)
These days I find myself making speeches at people. On the whole I feel this is an improvement on decades making confused points or else saying nothing at all. I channeled a lot of my energies into writing poems and stories, but I was confused as a writer too. Even writing this comment has been a process of much untangling. Training as an artist helped me use my confusion in a positive way. When I was younger the part of my communication that I was missing was meaning. I think I borrowed what others meant and then arranged my own words to decorate it. But all the while I knew I had a meaning of my own but which was being received like I was from another country, if not another world. Now that I am remarkably old I am a member of a rather inarticulate age group, and for some reason I am arriving from solitude and silence while others in my generation are gradually heading into it. Art, again, has helped me understand there are many languages - of the heart and of the mind - and that social language (which I had no ability to use) was only one of them.
My son often agonizes over word choices and will often melt down when I paraphrase my understanding of what he said back to him. He stresses if it isn’t word for word. When you speak of your fears of saying things unclearly I understand his anxiety better.
I like sharing 1/2 formed ideas because there is less stress on the other person to understand and repeat perfectly what has just been said. You are building an idea together. The people who communicate with autistic speakers have a great deal of stress and fear of speaking incorrectly too.
He fears being misunderstood, and the possible consequences of being misunderstood.
No we don't. We just communicate with them. Period. We're not fearing anything. We don't have to have problems to communicate with the Autistic. Probably people in our family behave like that so we're just used to it.
Boys who operate from their feelings and become men who operate from their feelings and emotions and up in the prison system gamma shot by police because they're misunderstood and they tend to act out their emotions even in adulthood and that is tragic. Boys need masculine mentors gamma to regulate their emotions and use their rationality. Don't turn your boy into a girl, he'll make you suffer for it and he will too. Please check out Rollo tomassi rational male
Half formed ideas are excellent. You get to share your expertise & vice versa. Paul, it's empowering for all.👍
Hi Paul! You have come a long way since your early videos when you had to bounce a ball to hold a train of thought. You are an amazing speaker now. I am not autistic and I fear the same things.
I liked the ball bouncing!! Helped me concentrate. I can see how it may be distracting for others though!!
⁸
@@harrietwindebank6051 Me too
You might find that he never "needed" to bounce a ball like a permanent thing, but in those moments that he did it simply felt good and helpful. Life is a dynamic journey and sometimes you bounce a ball because it helps you hold a train of thought and sometimes you don't.
Interesting..
You do explain this difficult issue we genuinely face so very well! As a fellow late diagnosed Autistic I can relate so well to all that you explained here. It is my lived experience!
Yes, the "fishing idea" is something I learned on my own to express myself - stressful around NTs but great when alone writing my thoughts or just thinking. I didn't know it had a name. Makes sense.
When writing a paper, I would write all my thoughts on separate pages (word docs or whatever) and then look at them all and figure out how they go together in a cohesive and orderly way while embellishing.
Thank you for posting this!! You have changed my life...thank you for giving me words....my whole life I thought it was only me and then I found your videos...and I'm not the only one thank you!
I'm a freelance artist and I basically depend on communication to get gigs and therefore I'm facing a lot of difficulties in finding work because I cannot communicate and or share ideas :( people think I'm arrogant, I keep isolating myself because I fear they will misinterpret like they always do, if I try contacting again
Maybe tell them your autism
I relate to so much of what you talked about. Love that bicycle speed analogy; and how you feel the need to express yourself perfectly to avoid misunderstanding only to find it fails. I get frustrated with online communication because, while it allows me to express my ideas succinctly and completely, it usually results in a wall of text that the recipient largely ignores. I have an enormous fear of being misinterpreted. Having said that, I basically only communicate online. When I have half-formed ideas I note them down for my own benefit and then I find I'm more likely to mull them over in my subconscious and build on them.
This is exactly what my experience is. I have tried so hard to articulate with as much clarity as I can, then probably over sharing in an effort to cover lots of information still trying to not be misunderstood. A recent experience really did my head in as I realised the person still totally missed the point I was trying to maker. I give up on that particular person now, but am doing battle with myself as to whether I need another new strategy or just give myself a break and don’t even bother with people I’m not close to. Socially I think I might feel better to just keep how I feel to myself and concentrate more on the type of person I’m trying to just get along with at a distance.
I would vote YES for you to more often have Lives, put on the camera the way you did today without a plan. I found this live to be really interesting, I read along what the chat said as well and even though I couldn't watch it live because of the time difference for me, I felt like I was present at a fascinating and wide-ranging conversation. It has been a valuable experience - thank you!!
At 25 minutes in, I said out loud “there’s the answer to your challenge!“ Record some of your idea beginnings, not necessarily live. Hold onto it until the idea becomes something interesting in any way. Then do a video where you introduce the half baked idea, show your initial recording that you had kept private until now, and finish with thoughts on how it turned out and how communication between others may have helped. You did it! I share your channel info often. Thanks!🌵
Thank you Paul. For expressing yourself and all your ideas/inner thoughts. You are just what the doctor ordered (I know you're not a "doctor diagnosing" 😊 so grateful for you and your presence. Thanks again for helping so many souls. ❤
I relate to ALL of this and the monkeys analogy and how your brain processes what you are trying to articulate!
I don't even know if this is relevant buuuuuut taking my half-formed ideas to other ND folx or having them bring theirs to me, and then having that ND mind meld thing that happens not only helps finish the idea but we come up with 328 more ideas. It gives me SO MUCH DOPAMINE 😍😍😍😍 It's like, all of a sudden the imagination is turned all the way up for all of us, all the bees in our brains are coming together to create these layers of ideas that are modular and buildable, and entirely new worlds are created. It's my favorite ❤️
I agree wholeheartedly about the meshing of ideas and building out much greater concepts and experiences when talking with other ND people. It's an accelerated, exciting, fulfilling experience.
@@galamander_1327 YES! 'Accelerated' is a good way to put it, it's certainly a rapid-fire process!
Just leave this unedited. We can understand the point and it stands on its own. Agree that talking while ideas are half formed can be symbiotic and draw out the ideas. Society places to much emphasis on articulate verbal prowess to the detriment of everything else. We are constantly bombarded with superficial images policticians, celebrities etc whose only real ability is in presenting a public chattering persona.
Dude Paul let me tell you how amazed you articulated and organized your videos!!!😳Now I understand how much work goes behind the scenes. Thank you so much you've helped me so much. As a women and a mother I have truly found common ground and understanding myself. Why not, not, putting to much pressure on your self and when you feel like it, freestyle, like your doing this time and I will have your back . For my part at least.This is nice too but don't feel bad if you want to structure up a more planned out video to as well! As those are amazing too. Also I love a lot of the points everyone is bringing out in the comments as well🤔!
Paul, I am enjoying your videos very much. Your calm and thoughtful delivery is to be commended. You did an excellent job in this first live video.
Your videos are so helpful for us to understand those who are autistic. Thank you for your hard work. You are helping more people than you realize, autistic or not. God bless you and your mission in helping us ALL. ❤️
Your natural flow helps a lot in relating so well🙏🙏🙏 Please don’t delete anything of your as it can be exactly what we wanted to hear and validate🙏
Hi Paul, I just recently found your channel and just want to say a big Thank you for showing up for all of us. Your videos are really needed! I recognize myself in mostly everything you’re talking about and that is so helpful. Thank you 🙏🏼
I vote yes to more live and just going with it. I like to see real as they say. Also, the more we can see ourselves reflected back at us, the better IMO.
I resonate so much with your sharing near the beginning of how difficult it is to communicate ideas to others and remember all that you've thought of that you want to communicate to others. I come to with things while I'm thinking about something, but then almost all of it "poofs" away from my mind as soon as I go to jot it down.
I have the same experience with most people, it's getting easier now as I get older. It takes a lot of practice, what you spoke of in the beginning, self acceptance of your own personal style and not have expectations. It's the same for me, the monkeys, one after the other, almost always now. But my memory is constantly changing. It's frustrating, I know. But it forces us to rethink the same ideas differently, that's how I look at it. Feedback is huge. Feedback is how we learn, we really need it now. I'm having the same realizations at 50. Many people still prefer to bully difference , instead of trying to understand that everyone is different and none of us are immaculate. If we try to understand each other by all making this effort, we'd all make a lot of progress.
I think your communication is great 🎉 I listen to several different podcasters on different subjects but I enjoys yours the most. I have not seen you “half baked” thoughts. 😊❤
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting this be online. It resonates so deeply. At 39 I am just beginning to see Autism as a puzzle piece that makes sense of so much of my life experience. Maybe I am autistic. Maybe not. But either way, hearing you and others online share about struggles or experiences - what life is like "on the inside" - makes a huge impact on people like me who never knew before now that there are others out there who relate to certain life experiences. It is amazingly helpful and inspiring.
My struggle (particularly at work) is when I suggest a useful idea, only to be ignored or misunderstood, and then several days later, or a week, someone else suggests the EXACT SAME IDEA based on fairly obvious observations for anyone with a brain - that I already suggested, and at that point it's a great idea, hey let's go with it. from someone else. But if suggest it. Forget about it. 🙃
Love you doing an live!! The visual contact is lacking even in the making of videos (things I notice in myself) thanks for the realness you put on RUclips.... I see myself in you... But I don't have the diagnosis 😒
Hey there's nothing wrong with that either!☺
I’ve become better at communication over the years. I attribute this to a working in sales. It isn’t a great career for a lot of people but it works for me. I still struggle with recognizing sarcasm, dominating conversation, oversharing (especially when someone asks “how are you” and expects a 1 word answer. It’s a work in progress.
Word! I love you, brother! Thank you so much for pushing the envelope and creating space where we can be heard. Your videos are so helpful and informative. You are a huge inspiration and I really appreciate what you are doing. Blessings
Awesome....food for thought. you touch on something we all can work on. kinda like a think tank. Thankyou for coming up with this.
I appreciated this live stream of thought as it is closer to my lived experience than your fully prepared, recorded performances (which are also useful for succinctly communicating complex ideas). To overcome anxiety one approach is to gradually expose yourself to the source of the anxiety with appropriate support available. I hope that this public channel is that space so it can support more people, but I would understand if you wanted to keep it to Patrion supporters as a safer space. Love your work. Please keep it up (from the UK) 🙂
I tuned in too late to chat, but I watched the whole stream anyway! Paul, thank you SO MUCH for what you do!!! Having live steam and answering questions sounds amazing, so long as you’re not overloading yourself. I definitely would love to read a book written by you. You’re an amazing person, and I really appreciate everything you do!
One thing in my own journey that I discovered is that if you manage to get what you need to survive without having to compromise who you are (a rare thing I realise) all of this stress over miscommunication goes away. because you are no longer dependent on accurate communication with "neurotypicals" to keep fed and have a roof over your head. So you can gravitate towards those whom both understand you, and whom you understand.
if you have to deal with normies all day, every day, it can be intensely stressful.
But if you are left to your own devices and allowed to hang around with who you want to, it's a whole different ball game.
At the age of 71 I am just learning that I have asd. I have been watching your videos and others for a while now and I fully understand what you're saying. I have no trouble understanding what people with asd are trying to say. A big eye opener for me. Thanks for the videos.
Thank you Paul for sharing, don't remove this video. You've said that which I never know how to explain to people. Even if I write out a script, I tend to talk too fast and something will pop-up in my mind, but I don't know how to get it out there, so then I rather not say anything. And when I try to work from key words or phrases, I can't remember what I wanted to say originally. Also what I want to say never end up coming out right and it's created so much misunderstandings. It's difficult to be among people who just do not get you, but also don't make an effort to meet you halfway in the conversation.
I’m very impressed with your communication skills. You are so good at expressing feelings, experiences and presenting the information in a useful way. I appreciate that you’re working hard to present well but you really are quite articulate!
Hello how're you doing today hope you're doing great with your family may god bless you all 🙏🙏🙏
Collecting the partial thoughts and making them complete is also a major struggle, I like the monkey analogy but that takes coordination that I find difficult also
You made so much sense.
If I talk like these-usually I do, and talk more about how I reached a particular idea or conclusion, and most NeuroTypical ppl would not bother.
To the extent I have sometimes advised my son not to ramble when running short of time ..but I do it myself.
I love your illustrations you use it great for driving a point or making something more clear. I use them when I speak to others.
You are a great communicator! Completely crisyal clear and retable. Apply "less (of perfectionistic planning/prepping) can actually be more (successful communication)". Thank you so much for expressing my own experience in comunicating ideas!!!
Hello how're you doing today hope you're doing great with your family may god bless you all 🙏🙏🙏
Wow! Thank you so much for making this video! I think you explained it perfectly with your examples of the monkeys and riding a bicycle. When I was listening, I just thought "yes! That is my brain! This is how my mind works!"
Thank you for sharing this. I relate to it soo much... as an artist i often have a million ideas buzzing around my head. I do my best to get them out but sometimes it is overwhelming. If I do somehow share them with others or on paper it does not seem to justify the idea that was in my head at all if that makes sense. Yes to more live streams. 😀
I love you dude, im in the same boat. Ive always tried to organize my visions or mindacapes, but more than likely they are distorted words or feelings. After i have the thought/invisioned the scope of things ,then I soon talk myself out of the original topic. I want to connect so bad, but it never seems to hit home. It's always exciting learning new things, but people don't know what's best for themselves and its hard to tell humanity without seeming controlling.
28:19 - this is just 100% me :D Recently I also started doing that trick with telling others about my wip kind of ideas to get the motivation to actually get them done, as without it I may come up with a million of excuses at every moment of working on it to give it up if it turns out to be hard (and pretty much every creative stuff is easy to start but hard to finish). Thanks for sharing your ideas on this topic, rambling can sometimes be very helpful.
Thank you for doing this like this, your videos are always great and very helpful, but because they are so ‘polished’ we don’t see your real struggles. This video has show me how much like me you are, there is a real struggle to get out what I really think, what I really want to say. Maybe doing a mix, of ‘off hand raw stuff’ and videos of polished stuff as well. The well polished videos are for more education, but this raw chat is great because it’s so re assuring to see that although you struggled to put your thoughts into words, yet I got to see you and understand that you are able to function around this struggle. I haven’t put that into words well, so I hope you understand!
Thank you so much for your work and doing these videos. Yes, your communication is coming across loud and clear. I find that it is like you are trying to tell me about me. It helps me to understand many of the difficulties I have with people.
I love the way you analyze this, Paul. One of the things I resonate with.... where you say the person you're communicating with fills in the blanks. I've noticed if i don't plan a script word for word, but just think through a few ideas on a subject i want to talk about, and then present it off the top of my head spontaneously, there are a lot of blanks, sometimes big ones. One time I watched myself in a video, and those blanks seemed like chasms to me, but the people watching it with me said, that was fine, that was great! (Whaaaaat?) Maybe it's good to leave gaps for your listeners to fill, the bigger the better, leaving them more opportunity to participate in what you're trying to say. Their interpretation might not match your efforts, but the combination of both your efforts might create something even better, might create more questions, different ones. Which will mean your responsibility is lessened, but in fact you've ended up creating a space for deeper communication.
More intuition, less logic involved. More genuine on both sides. Scarier though, I think, going in....
Accurate and effective communication requires full participation of all parties. Yes the onus is on the person communicating, to determine whether their communication has been effective. There is, though, a reliance of on effort by all parties concerned. Sometimes we can nail it, sometimes not. Words can often be inadequate, when the concepts go beyond normal understanding.
Love the bike analogy. I think I often fall over 😂
I can't imagine how unnerving it must be to speak on youtube. Let alone at a time where you feel your tongue is not flowing so to speak. I highly respect your willingness to be vulnerable. I know that I am not that courageous. I have such a fear of looking stupid. I think it's perfectly fine to share not fully developed ideas. Particularly if you are looking to develop it and are open to others insights and feedback. It's a think tank of sorts. I like your channel and the information you share. I am new to both. It makes so much sense. It only took 59 years of struggling, searching, loathing myself and feeling flawed. I think this is a safe place. I hope you're encouraged by my words. I have been marathoning on your videos! Thank you.
You are incredibly, have courage, ahead of your time for sure. I completely understand everything you shared. You speak my language clearly! Thank you ❤
Thanks for this video, it has helped me understand what is holding me back from taking action or executing my creative/ artistic/ business ideas. I now know how to go forward.
Raw and wonderful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this! If you should come up with a receip for stopping the Research thing, please please make one more Video also like this, because the accindentally given side informations and thoughts can lead to more! Like little treasures on the way
Watching your videos makes me so happy 😊
To me you're an absolute legend 💖
I love the way he always describes my personal experiences so accurately😭💗
This resonated big time. Thank you! Love the monkeys image. Played with those growing up and absolutely think that way sometimes.
i rlly enjoyed this!! its easier for me to take notes if its in the form of a live chat, if only say whats necessary &or most important its sometimes too much at once & i cant keep up so i dont rlly do it. i love the half ideas & i would really want to see more of these!
"not everything has to be perfect"!
Same with the language barrier! My husband is deaf. When we met I didn’t know sign language. Condensing communication helped me understand how most other people interact better.
Also, when I used situations from movies or tv shows to express what I was trying to say, he didn’t find it weird. He started doing the same. With us struggling through the language barrier he welcomed this tool to use fewer words.
Also, do you know if there have been studies done of neurotypical and autistic people communicating with a language barrier?
Excellent, thank you ❤❤❤. I totally identified with much of what was expressed in the video. I wish I had a bit of your eloquence and communicative power, for me it is complex and difficult to access certain information in my brain to express it, I get tangled up in wanting to do it better or to be understood a little.
Thank you (again!) for putting ideas in my head into meaningful content! 😅😄🙏
very very relatable, thanks for sharing
I’ve used the bicycle analogy myself lots of times, especially about pedaling fast enough to maintain momentum so the bicycle doesn’t fall over.
This sounds very logical to me.
And i think thats a very normal way of comunicating, that the other person tries to understand the idea and meet halfways.
You seem more together than me (58, undiagnosed) I have been learning to slow down and take a breath while talking so I will not lose the part that I have already (and also to calm the anxiety that I feel that my mind will go blank if I try to think too hard) and want to say and then possibly more will come as well. Sometimes it flows but that's more of a writing thing than a talking thing for the most part.
Great video. I have been trying to express something for months, and finally figured out how to say it in the last few days. Thank you!
I remember what you're referring to, they were called A Barrel of Monkeys. A Blast from the past. Loved this video, made complete sense to me.
Hi Paul, I enjoyed your live video, and appreciated seeing you exposing your ideas in a genuine way. This way shoild be more natural for you and less time consuming for you don't need to prepare your presentation ahead of time ( probably jotting down some bullet points of your ideas to guide you along).
The record is always spinning friend, and It's upon each of us to drop the needle and get into to the groove!
Thank you so much for doing this video!!! i am on the spectrum and have tried and tried to let my husband know these things. Turns out he is very likely on the spectrum as well only undiagnosed (he recently brought this idea up himself), and that is one of the things that makes our communication so impossibly difficult! We are finally (after 26 years of marriage starting to gradually learn to understand, accept and help each other more successfully! I regret that he would likely be unable to listen to this video because of it's length, but I am grateful for the great examples of delineation that your videos provide.... I think I'll come back to this one later with a notebook! Keep it up, you are awesome!!
Thanks Paul! To summarize: "There's a language barrier". This makes perfect sense. The foreiner analogy is apt. I love the chain of monkeys analogy as well. Mine are unruly monkeys as well! Gotta get 'em out of the box fast, or they they're off fighting or playing with each other while swinging through the trees! One way to think about the foreinger thing, is to imagine a native assumes you understand the language. They start talking to you for a minute straight, telling you about nuclear physics. That's exactly what I tend to do when speaking to nuerotypicals about my special interests.
Strategey I'm gonna try now: Pretend they don't speak the same language - but a similar one. Assume they know nothing about what I want to discuss. Slow down. Wait to see how they respond. Make ajustments based on their responses. Don't blame self if not understood. Realize that I won't necessarily be able to share all my thoughts, or the same thoughts I might with a native (austistic) person.
Because there's a language barrier!
Trying to share half formed ideas:
Only with people who are patient and understanding and genuinely want to contribute
Only when feeling calm and taking "breath breaks" to calm the mind and keep going (trying to avoid anxiety of mind going blank)
I like to brainstorm alone so I can prove to myself that I can do it.
The fishing analogy is exactly what I experience. I'll be trying to remember something, so I'll take something that I hope will trigger the memory like something I've just watched, or read, or heard, or even an object I'm experiencing and cast that into the murky depths of my mind. Sometimes I catch 'the big one' and it's exactly what I was hoping I'd remember. Other times, I catch a carp of a similar idea but not what I was hoping for. Still other times, I'll catch a little minnow of another memory triggering image or sound that I'll just cast back in. Unfortunately, sometimes I don't catch anything in time and the whole chance to express what I'd hope to has passed. At those times, I just stammer, or change the subject, or wait for someone I'm trying to talk to change the subject. I even have conversations with my very best friend - my wife - in which I'll just run out of things to say on the subject at hand. Luckily, she understands and goes easy on me about it.
I don't blame you for not wanting to talk live very much. I don't think I could do that myself.
I would say, the reason why you get surprizingly well understood in a foreign laguage is, the the other (!) people give more effort in understanding you, as they inderstand it is not easy for you to express exactly what you want to say.
Spot on.
More forgiving anf more accommodating.
When I’m tired this happens to me. There are times when I go mute. It’s helpful to learn that many of us struggle with this!
I enjoy these videos. I have been diagnosed as autistic. I am always over or under communicating. I do not feel anxious about it, but I cannot get it "right" - wish it was just ok to alternate between being terse or verbose.
Perfect video for where I'm at right now, trying to build a business and not knowing how to explain myself on the About Me page as it's more my life and experience that have led to what I do. I don't want to mention the autism as in my head this would mean having to explain that too.
I think when there's problems in worrying that I'll be misunderstood and I am very wordy and garrulous when "explaining" something to get to the point. I am much better in response or if speaking spontaneously where I seem to just channel. If I had to give a TED talk they would have to give me an hour's slot as I would find other little random interesting bits of information to share.
I think the key is in really not caring - in just having the confidence to be myself.
Excellent topic, Paul, and well done on the Live too.
I love the "next monkey" metaphor? I use it all the time now, interlocked with "idea bundle" with is my phrase for the chain of monkeys that comes out on paper when I write. My monkey chains often comes out in weird leaps of topics and circles back to the original thought from time to time.
You get to the nitty gritty of how I, too, struggle with vocal communication versus written. My housemates regularly roleplay (e.g. DnD) and I like the idea of it but personally find it absolutely exhausting. I also struggle to find words to express my thoughts because I mostly don't think in words but abstract images (broader than visual, what eyes do). I'd love to explore how this same language impedance might explain how I can have such a tremendous imagination with complicated (fictional) plots and sense of motives and conspiracies and characterization yet labor painfully over getting it into text. I wish I could record my thoughts, but again I don't really think in words most of the time-or at least not only in words. I DO have constant narration going on in my head. The most obvious "explanation" is that because small talk comes so hard to us (autistics) it must be hard to create realistic dialog. True, but insubstantial as explanation. In my train of thought, words comprise a minority of the elements of my thought stream; so I find even freewriting inadequate to what I'm trying to express. Likewise I have a super difficult time explaining my thoughts in debate or when I'm trying to express an abstract idea verbally.
Does all this ring with any of you that like to write? Aspiring authors? Has anybody successfully published having found tools/methods that help them transcend that threshold?
Keep up these amazing videos - this helps me breakdown the way to help me figure out how to interact with people who are not like myself.
It is definitely good and worth it. Thank you.
I posted this as a "reply" to someone else, but i think it good to post it as a comment on it's own.
I see where you are coming from with tending to think that people are just wanting to be nice, and I am certain that several of these comments are of that nature. However, If you have seen many of Paul's videos, the vast majority are "productive and structured" by neurotypical standards. As a neurotypical myself, married to someone very much like Paul, it was good for BOTH of us to "See the struggle" as it were. Truth is, this video was difficult for my husband to watch ( he needed to make the playback speed 1.5X to get thru it), but to see someone like himself go thru the struggle is very helpful. He was able to relate, in real time, to the struggle as he was watching it unfold live. I was able to see someone else like my husband struggle, in real time; which helps me understand and appreciate his condition more. I hope this explains how this is indeed very "productive" for many who watched.
The nature of this video was too allow us to see the struggle, and allow Paul to tackle some fear. Yes, he was clearly anxious and yes some people felt empathy toward him and wanted to comfort and encourage him. Whether or not it was healthy for Paul is for Paul to assess; which he clearly has the intellect, knowledge, and ability to do.
This was a great change of pace. No, most of his video output should not be in this format. Yes, on occasion... maybe once a month or so? ...this type of video is WELCOME and NEEDED as a reality check to see that even someone like Paul, who has made such strides with improvement in his areas of weakness, still struggles. After all... he is an Aspie, not a neurotypical.😊😉
I have been struggling with expressing myself lately too, but I discovered, because I'm good at drawing I also have an option to visually express myself and the drawings can communicate some things better than words do. Doesn't help much with talking with someone, but I found that if I really want to tell something, I try it that way and often once I do, then I know the next steps of expressing myself.
Sometimes your head needs to be 'cleared' by already sharing something, to make space for the rest to come out, I guess!
We each hold half formed pieces of consciousness. And i would love to help complete these ideas. It feels like my purpose
Sharing half an idea gives us a chance to collaborate which is nice because then it feels like my contribution may be valuable to you. Then I feel validated as a person, like I matter too.
This reminds me of creating content about autism on my channel. As yet I have not been brave enough to talk to a camera or a microphone, so I write out my words beforehand. Although lately I have realized this may not be as efficient.