Tea party with yourself would not really be the worst way to decompress in a situation like this. Honestly this entire season feels like a newly married couple trying to get their shit together in roleplay therapy
That's not the fear of the domain. It is the fear that you had driven away everyone who could have cared about you and that because you've done that you will die alone and unknown. And. it. Is. All. Your. Fault.
I cannot express my LOVE for Martin! A poetry writing, therapy needing, silly little guy who CANONICALLY day dreams about saving the world and kissing Jon behind a huge explosion like in the movies!
god this is such delicious episode, what a good way to spend some time exploring martin's state of mind at this point. his guilt, his hope, and his fear all make perfect sense and have been inferred by the listeners over season 5, but having them all spelled out and talked about was really cathartic. (many people, myself included, have had the exact same daydream you have, martin.) also, rest in fucking pieces martin's mom, you were such a shit head that you gave martin a negative association with OOLONG!
On one hand, it’s comforting to know that even though this was a Lonely episode, the people who feel this way aren’t truly alone with this feeling, you know? On the other hand, OW. I felt so called out that I briefly wondered if my therapist was somehow involved in the writing process.
Because most people who would be in Martin's domain are already living in that manner. Eventually you numbly accept you'll live for eternity alone, and you'll probably convince yourself if was your fault. But honestly that beats riding carnival rides until your skin peels off, or a demented hospital that takes pride in your misery.
*reluctantly adds to the favorite episode pile* oh man my therapist would have a field day with this one- this episode was the audio version of that gif of david tennant standing in the rain- you know the one.
I didn't notice it the first time, but around 15:57 Replica Martin says he doesn't know the names of the prisoners, even though he just told us one of them is named Tim.
he says "i can't tell you their names," as part of a statement, which is more of a narrative designed to express the fear and horror than a fully accurate expression of what's happening, because 'what's happening' is the inaccurate fear and horror. "i can't tell you their names, because we don't know them" is an expression of how those isolated individuals don't get names in the statement, because of the general way that martin's domain exists
Out of everything in this series, this episode hit me the hardest. Sure I've been creeped out and unnerved by the descriptions of the phobias that were touched throughout, and I've cried at the ones that made me grieve for the characters suffering, but this one described me exactly. It didn't just hit close to home or touch on my fear, it was just me. What I've gone through and still going through as somebody who isn't anybody. Somebody who might never mean anything to anybody. The disconnection, the isolation, the loneliness- wanting to connect with someone but never managing to grasp that feeling of belonging. Fearing that I'll never be important to someone, that nobody will ever know me for who I am. That those who do would rather forget me, because I wasn't worth remembering. The fear that I'll live like this until the day I die, just wandering aimlessly in the cold, alone, never knowing the warmth that others have and never even managing to actually open up to someone. That I'll be forgotten by everyone, and I'll forget myself. I've never heard someone put to words what I feel, but Jon captured it exactly. The bit about the empty eyes and the fixed smile, the cold liquid rising from within, never feeling a presence even when next to other people.. this is the only episode that's given me genuine chills. It feels like someone read out my entire life onto an episode. Hopefully, it's not too late for me to escape that Domain.
The glorious thing is that every time I remember this episode, I will think of how much it felt like me, and how much I read that it felt like you to you and I will think of you, and know that I was not alone in that feeling and now you'll think of me. No matter how small, no one is ever truly forgotten. We'll make it out.
I felt this exact way, and there is so much comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this. Except I have one difference, I constantly throw who I am out at people and am so happy when they don’t leave and then I can be myself, but there’s a problem with constantly saying who I am. I am scared that by the time they get close enough, I’ll run out of things to say, so they’ll leave with mystery solved, nothing else to learn. And then I’ll be left a shell of who I was
I love and hate that we get to hear Martin weigh his options of having to try to kill Jon, or asking Jon to kill him. Apocalypse aside, Martin #2 is right that their relationship is still so new and its already being bent under the weight if their situation. Martin's had feelings for Jon for so long that for him to now consider either of their deaths at the hands of the other HURTS.
I feel like Martin survived his mother by cultivating a cold logic under his cinnamon roll desire for affection. Considering the extremes and deciding ahead of time how far he would be willing to go isn't that out of the ordinary for him. I think paranoids and anxiety prone can be like this sometimes too. As the joke goes, when the building is on fire, they're the ones who know where the fire exits are.
I mean that just sounds like a Tuesday evening actually haha. It's honestly extremely comforting to have my own psyche so completely understood that I could listen to it in podcast form. The rain, the talking to yourself, the tea, god even the mention of the ocean. This whole episode just feels so calm and cathartic. And it's sad, but in the 'clinically depressed but going on four years' kind of way. Like taking an evening to sob after a hard day but then taking a bath and getting to sleep in the next day. its just,,, so so good. I'm going to go make some tea now haha. Before the next episode :)
I have a love-hate realtion with this episode. I hate that it shows me clearly what I am most afraid of but also love that atleast in this way I get some closure
I... shed a few tears ?? This is the first time in years it has happened to me while consuming fiction !! Some parts were a bit too relatable, I suppose, but it was very cathartic. Made me reflect a bit. I like the existentialism the show can have
Ouch. Another one that hits close to home... I can't help but relate to Martin every time. Y'know, i would actually like to chat with myself like this. Would be an efficient way to sort out the mess that is my mind.
Martin talking to his clone or other self is really nice, I have to admit, the victims hits me hard, I built up a wall after being hurt and ignored again and again. Right now I'm slowly tearing down my walls and making friends.
Well didn't this episode just offer me a nice cup of oolong, and then land twelve consecutive shots right between my eyes huh Shadow Martin low-key slaps tho, can we keep him
Dear lord, that lady stuck in the Lonely is so me I’m convinced you just stole my soul. I could deal with all the other fears in this show, could be detached, but not when you play my soul back at me. The worst part about being that particular kind of lonely is when you try to stop, you try to contribute something and connect with the people around you by laying out everything you are and you are so very happy when some decide to stay. But there’s a catch, I am so incredibly afraid that one day, I’ll run out of things to say. So that person will look at me and see a mystery solved, a box checked off so they can move on, a show they finished so what’s the use in keeping it around, they already know everything there is to know. Ugh, and here I was listening to this podcast thinking that my worst fear was werewolves or the deep ocean. Absolutely immaculate storytelling.
for the fact that martin is not my favourite character episodes studying him hit me the most. "I'm here because you're trying very hard not to be alone" Like what if I just sobbed huh what then
Now that I'm up to speed on what's on RUclips at least, I want to voice a theory about the inevitable end of the series. I propose that Jon, however consciously, is "cultivating" Martin to become the first avatar to an entity of hope. Normally, what people hope for is so different from each other that a proper manifestation of it would be too scattered to properly exist, especially if it's forced to spawn in the same space that the entities of fear already reside (for those in the know it'd be like bringing forth a new positive Chaos God into the Immaterium.) With the world being in such a state however, it leaves that aforementioned space free for new entities to come forth, and with all the terror going on in the world, there's now only one, universal hope: that all of this horror will come to an end, one way or another. Martin is the only person who has been able to keep anything even approaching a positive attitude and has never lost true hope that things can go back to normal. I would wager that Jon is forging Martin into a "key" much in the same way that Elias/Jonah fashioned Jon into a key. This key, however, has the purpose of locking the door that they came out of, returning the world to its natural order & no doubt getting rid of a large percentage of the avatars & leaving a great many artifacts in their stead.
i feel that a happy ending in a series like this one with so much sadness would unless it was expertly crafted to perfection would feel like it was saying the suffering of the hundreds of people we've heard about through this whole thing would mean nothing it all just got fix and sure theres some trauma but its fine now and for me that sort of ending would be just like so many thing ive heard from people in my own life regaurding my trauma. im a first time lisner and still dont know the ending btw
I know this is forever ago, but as another first time listener, I don't think this theory is correct? But I really like the idea that the Fears abandoning the mental landscape opens it up to other entities. Somebody in the story said that there was no place to "put the fears back" but, the fears were born from humans, humans are still thinking, their random thoughts aren't popping into existence, so there IS an immaterial place where human mental energy congeals. It feels like poetic justice if something took advantage of the fears not maintaining their control of that zone.
this episode actually hits home for me... Not just in the way that i too fear of being forgotten and overlooked, but my mind keeps going back to all those times i looked at a old pictures of someone i was supposed to know but just couldnt remember their names and actually did frown and shrug it off... How many people did i myself forget?
Not me listening to this at the end of my first semester at college, away from home with one roommate in an empty apartment, where I kept to myself and made no friends almost on purpose. This hit way too close to home. Gah, I'm glad I'm going home for the holidays. This just might be the push that forces me to make friends next semester. Bravo, and ouch.
yknow .. martin's episode really hits deep. if I were in this universe I think I too will serve the lonely or something like that. the wall metaphor, it feels so similar to mine. I've been masking my whole life and all i can do is push people away, kept saying to myself that "they're a bad person anyway, I don't want them in my life." it hurts and it feels like I don't have any control over anything when I can control something. it's so out of reach yet I COULD reach it, but I didn't. I chose to be here and keep telling myself that I will be out of here once I've freed myself from my family. but honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to find someone I could fully trust ever again. I hope I could.
First time listener, first time commenter, obligatory "I made it until to this episode without crying". Thank you, TMA team. That was beautiful. Thank you so much.
Huh. I guess like many other in the comments this episode did hit close to home. Especially the second part. You know, with every statement the picture would play out vividly in my head. The places the people the monsters. But in this one I just saw myself. And all those times where it sit behind a computer screen, joined in a chatroom full of people, and tried so hard not to make a noise as I cried.
186 and there he have it, THAT one episode. But somehow is still find it oddly comforting that the two people are so close to each other despite being unable to see each other. There is just something hopefull about knowing that there are people that know this feeling, know this suffering being closer than you could anticipate. Yhe lonely makes it impossible for them to reach eachother but in the real world they would have a chance to
@@Badficwriter I think they could feel eachothers warmth or mabye just the present of the other and mabye, knowing that someone is close to you, mabye that's enough
man this is more relatable than i had expected. this was so much of my life for so long. awful to be alone even surrounded by genuine friends, awful to feel unable to broach the topic with someone safe to grope in the dark for connection, awful to find they dont understand what you're saying. just another person in quiet suffering, no one's a mind reader and so, they simply dont know while a black coal burns hollowing out one's chest year over years
This one hurt me so bad and made me feel so seen in such specific detail that I literally wept. Martin's story arc has been UNWARRANTEDLY relatable for me. Like damn, y'know? Jesus, TMA's really good you guys
This episode is weirdly comforting. The stories are horribly sad, yes, but at least people aren't screaming in agony or perpetually burning eating each others' faces. It's more of a sobbing sadness than outright horror. I like you Martin, you're mild even in your avatar form :3
woah.. man this ep was... it was something else, actually the only one that managed to make me cry a bit.. i- i just, this is exactly the shit i've been going through, just kinda not feeling that connection with others and feeling.. alone, i really thought i was always more into the darkness fear, because i never thought i would relate to the lonely, but just.. hearing this ep makes me.. idk it just kinda, brings something to me that i cannot explain, it's not good.. it's not good for sure, but i think i just.. i think i needed to hear this really, even tho it wasn't made for me or for health purposes, but.. man like, just great job you know? this ep was comforting and scary in a way.
This one should be associated with The Eye the way Rusty Quill is calling us all out and making us feel _seen._ "I felt so called out that I briefly wondered if my therapist was somehow involved with the writing process." -Brinara13
[CLICK] [FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL OR DIRT, AS A LIGHT RAIN FALLS] MARTIN So this is it, then. … How dreary. [FOOTSTEPS] [Calling] Hello!? Anybody!? John? Hello! … Big surprise. Well at least I can still remember everything this time. And no more bloody chairs. It’s weird, though. Never actually been anywhere like this. That said, it is kind of… huh… [STATIC RISES] [THERE IS A SLIGHT REVERB ON ALSO MARTIN’S FIRST WORDS AS HE APPROACHES] ALSO MARTIN Wuthering Heights. MARTIN Yeah. God, I hated studying that. It was all just so… ALSO MARTIN Overblown. MARTIN Yeah… ALSO MARTIN But that cover… those wide empty spaces. It felt right, didn’t it? MARTIN So what? That’s where we are? ALSO MARTIN Right down to the monochrome. MARTIN Hm. D’you have an umbrella? ALSO MARTIN No. But you don’t want one. We like the rain. MARTIN True. ALSO MARTIN Because it makes the sadness feel at home. It turns it from a burden into - MARTIN [Sigh] - an indulgence ALSO MARTIN That’s right. [PACING] MARTIN So what is this? You’re part of me so you know everything about me? Is that it? ALSO MARTIN Yes. MARTIN Because you’re part of my domain? ALSO MARTIN Also yes. MARTIN Some sort of cosmic joke about ‘being alone with my thoughts’, I assume? ALSO MARTIN I’m here because you’re trying very hard not to be alone. To resist the comfort. MARTIN So, instead I get to talk to myself? ALSO MARTIN Apparently. [PACING CONTINUES THEN STOPS] MARTIN Okay, so if I’m so desperate not to be alone, why isn’t John here? Hmm? He can find me anywhere. ALSO MARTIN I don’t know. MARTIN [Dubious] Oh yeah? ALSO MARTIN Look, I know what you know. Maybe I’m just a bit more… open about it. MARTIN And what do you mean by that? ALSO MARTIN Like how you don’t actually want him here? Maybe that has something to do with it? MARTIN You’ve no idea what you’re talking about! ALSO MARTIN I mean, you can argue with me if you like. Seems like a bit of a waste, though. MARTIN I - No, a - ALSO MARTIN It’s alright. It’s hard to be vulnerable. MARTIN [Resigned] It’s not that. ALSO MARTIN No? MARTIN No, I just… I’m ashamed to let him see this place, alright. To see what - I don’t know, what feeds me? ALSO MARTIN Sure, that’s part of it, but… it’s not the whole thing, is it? Not really. MARTIN What do you mean? ALSO MARTIN Well, if you don’t count ‘memory manor’, when was the last time you were even on your own? MARTIN Well I… hmm. ALSO MARTIN It has been a very long time since the Institute. MARTIN That’s… a good point. ALSO MARTIN It’s okay to want a bit of space now and then. New romance is hard. And armageddon makes it even harder, never mind the fact that you’re metaphorically joined at the hip thanks to the whole ‘eye-lord’ thing. It’s okay to want some space. MARTIN Ohhhhh, I see. ALSO MARTIN See what? MARTIN I get it. So that’s your deal. You tell me what I want to hear to try and get me to stay. ALSO MARTIN [Wearily] Seriously? Fine. If you don’t want to engage, if you want to pretend I’m just some… temptation ghost, you go ahead. Knock yourself out. Like I said, I’m not your enemy. MARTIN [Archly] Oh really? I thought you said you were me? ALSO MARTIN Right, yes. Very clever. MARTIN We have our moments, I guess. ALSO MARTIN Look, if you want to leave, you can. It’s not a problem. MARTIN You won’t try to stop me? ALSO MARTIN I mean, it really doesn’t matter to me. You leave and I’m just you again. It’s all the same to me, really. MARTIN So why do you want me to stay then? Hmm? ALSO MARTIN Because you want to stay. Because you want to have a real rest. To just breathe and … be quietly sad, I guess. [SILENCE AS THE RAIN GETS A LITTLE HEAVIER] MARTIN It’s not healthy. ALSO MARTIN Maybe not, but I’m not entirely sure what healthy options are even left, at this point. MARTIN We could talk to John about it. ALSO MARTIN We could. But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right? MARTIN There’s nothing wrong with comforting people. ALSO MARTIN A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster. At worst… a muzzle. MARTIN Yeah, yeah. Even so, I could murder a cuppa. I doubt you’ve got a kettle out here though. ALSO MARTIN As a matter of fact, I do have a thermos. MARTIN You’re joking? ALSO MARTIN This is our domain. You’re not supposed to suffer here. Well, not like the others… you know what I mean. [A METAL FLASK IS UNSCREWED] [ELONGATED SOUND OF TEA POURING] Here. [FLASK IS RESEALED] [MARTIN SIGHS DEEPLY AS HE SIPS] MARTIN Wait that’s… wait, is that…? ALSO MARTIN Yeah, sorry about that. There’s only so much we can do, what with the new world and everything. Even the good things get tinged with memory.
MARTIN Eurgh. Oolong. Of course. Of course! Whenever I asked a question she didn’t like, or she wanted to stop the conversation - ALSO MARTIN Off you’d go to put the kettle on. MARTIN And it always had to be that bloody oolong. Eurgh. [ANOTHER SIP] Blergh. ALSO MARTIN … It wasn’t your fault. MARTIN Yes, it was. ALSO MARTIN That’s just the guilt talking. MARTIN Oh, you think? ALSO MARTIN She was awful. MARTIN She wasn’t well. ALSO MARTIN Both things can be true. MARTIN She was still my mum! Our mum. Whatever! ALSO MARTIN [Emphatically] And we’re glad she’s dead. MARTIN Jesus… ALSO MARTIN Too much? Like I said, I’m a bit more open. MARTIN I - ALSO MARTIN Don’t lie. You don’t need to. Not here. It’s just us. [HEAVY SIGH FROM MARTIN] MARTIN If we’re glad, why do I feel so… ALSO MARTIN Guilty? Because you feel guilty about everything. MARTIN That’s… That’s not - ALSO MARTIN Your mother. MARTIN Stress is a proper factor in a stroke - ALSO MARTIN Everything that’s happened to John. MARTIN I brought Jane Prentiss to the Institute! ALSO MARTIN The end of the entire world? MARTIN If I’d done what Peter had asked… If I’d not chickened out, and just killed Elias when I had the chance… ALSO MARTIN Really? Really? That’s how you’re choosing to remember it? Chickening out? MARTIN I remember it was the wrong choice. ALSO MARTIN You choose to remember it that way, and so the guilt - MARTIN I get it, alright? But I need it. I-I choose the guilt, because… ALSO MARTIN [Leading] Because… MARTIN Because it motivates me to do better! ALSO MARTIN … Does it though? Or… does it just keep paralysing us, make us shrink back and wait, hoping things work out? Like with John, when we thought the worms had got him. MARTIN Hey, to be fair, he still kind of hated me back then. I’m really not sure it would have been the time to take my shot. ALSO MARTIN Fair. He was projecting hard. Between us, that guy’s got some real issues. MARTIN Hey! Pretty sure we love ‘that guy’. ALSO MARTIN Yeah, and all his many, many problems. MARTIN Fine. ALSO MARTIN But also, you know that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s this, this fantasy that you have, that whatever you find at the top of the Panopticon is just going to solve everything. MARTIN I don’t - ALSO MARTIN You do though. You daydream about it! The big climactic showdown with Elias, and then the two of you kiss, and push a button that just magically saves the world and makes everything better. MARTIN It’s actually not a button, so - ALSO MARTIN Stop. Deflecting. MARTIN [Angry] S-So what, okay? We should just give up? Hmm? Just stay here and curl up into a ball and just accept the world as is? Hmm? That’s your big solution? ALSO MARTIN I’m saying there aren’t any easy solutions. We have no idea what’s going to happen. Even if we make it to the tower, we don’t know there’ll be a fix. And if by some miracle there is, we both know the price will be awful. Just look at Melanie. MARTIN I - [A RESIGNED SIGH] ALSO MARTIN We are completely out of our depth. We’re responsible for everyone everywhere, and we have no idea what we’re doing. The last thing we need is self-indulgent guilt on top of that. MARTIN I can be a real manipulative prick, you know that? ALSO MARTIN Oh, yeah. [PAUSE FOR REFLECTION] [MARTIN FINISHES HIS CUPPA] MARTIN [Grimly] Tea. Please. [FLASK IS UNSCREWED AGAIN] [TEA SOUNDS ENSUE] So, this price. What do you think? Are we going to have to kill John? ALSO MARTIN I don’t know because you don’t know. But it seems like something we should at least consider. MARTIN I… have thought about it. And… I won’t. I don’t think I could. ALSO MARTIN Mmhmm. MARTIN But anything else? Any other price? I’ll pay it. ALSO MARTIN Even dying? MARTIN Yeah! ALSO MARTIN John’s as bad as we are. He wouldn’t let it happen. MARTIN It’s not his decision. ALSO MARTIN Fine. So flip that round, then. What are you going to do when he tries to sacrifice himself, because you know he’s going to try? MARTIN I don’t know, all right? I don’t know. ALSO MARTIN And that’s okay for now, but I just want us to have thought about this stuff properly before it comes up. Because even if that’s not it, chances are it’ll be something else you don’t want to do, and we need to make a proper choice. We can’t just react out of shame or fear or whatever. MARTIN What, like with Peter and Elias? ALSO MARTIN Yes. MARTIN That was a proper choice?! I chose wrong! ALSO MARTIN But you made a decision. Your own decision. Regardless of the outcome. MARTIN I… I’ll think about it. ALSO MARTIN We’ll think about it. MARTIN Sure.
[ANOTHER SIGH, ANOTHER SIP] What about the people here? ALSO MARTIN What people? MARTIN I don’t know. My… ‘prisoners’, I guess? ALSO MARTIN What about them? MARTIN Why haven’t we talked about them? ALSO MARTIN Because you didn’t want to think about them. So, we didn’t. MARTIN Yeah? Well, I want to now. Consider it a ‘proper choice’ if you like. ALSO MARTIN Okay. MARTIN Can I see them? ALSO MARTIN No. This place is about hidden, unnoticed suffering. MARTIN I can feel them, though. ALSO MARTIN Sure, you’re aware of it, dimly. A sort of far-off, lonely terror. But there’s no way for us to actually see or hear them. MARTIN Hmm. But… if this is my domain, can I fix that? Like, can I change things? ALSO MARTIN If you wanted to start actively tormenting them, I’m sure this place would oblige. But ‘fixing’ things? Making it easier on them, or freeing them… probably not. MARTIN Fine. … Can you tell me about them? ALSO MARTIN I can. Deep down, we do know what’s happening to them. MARTIN Do we know who they are? ALSO MARTIN We never met them in the old world. Although one of them is named Tim. Just a coincidence, I think, unless it was a subconscious thing on our part. MARTIN Tell me. Please. Like John would. ALSO MARTIN Why? Just so you can torture yourself? MARTIN I want to know the exact limits of my guilt. ALSO MARTIN Fair enough. ALSO MARTIN (STATEMENT) I can’t tell you their names, because we don’t know them. Who they are, who they were - these details are lost to us. But they’re also lost to them. Sometimes they get flashes, moments of people they might have been. Phantom pasts, the ghosts of happy futures. But they’re empty, and vanish if they try to hold them. One of them is young, though he has always felt old. He has always felt tired. He has stood apart from everyone who ever cared for him and never felt the distance. His family were cold, and so to keep that coldness at bay, he built a towering wall between them and him. He hid it in jokes and practiced smiles, but on a cloudy day, they could see it. And when he was able to leave his family behind, that wall came with him, following him, keeping out the world. He would walk the streets of the city at night and wish the world away, so it could be just him, with no-one to know him or judge him or hurt him. Sometimes, when the emptiness inside began to bite, he reached out for people, and took a friend or a lover. But when he did, it was only to watch them beat themselves again and again against that wall, until they finally relented, and he was alone once more. He told himself it was for the best. He told himself he liked it like that. And now he is here. The wall still surrounds him, though now it encircles all the fields where he staggers, wet from the rain, and cold from the wind. He calls out for somebody to see him, for somebody to know how achingly hollow he is. He walks and walks and walks, desperate for another voice, for someone to know where he is and what he’s going through. But he can’t shout too loud. If he does, he feels the thick grey mulch rising from where it has settled in the hollow of his chest. It pushes up his throat and streams from his mouth instead of words. It is clouded and so bitterly cold that where it lands, the scrubland grass turns brittle and crumbles away, leaving only ice, pulled from the deepest parts of him, hardened and crusted into a smooth, dark mirror, reflecting his lined and careworn face against the clouded sky. The rain pricks his skin, though there is no comfort in it. Because he knows he can never be warm and dry again. The wall is too high. But still he keeps walking, keeps crying out, though quieter now. Nobody knows he’s here, and if they did, they wouldn’t care. He has driven them all away, kept them so far from who he is that there is no-one now to see his suffering. No-one who cares. He falls to his knees, icy mud clinging to his legs, soaking through his threadbare trousers as tears and rain fall from his cheeks in equal measure. Next to him, a woman lies on her side, curled tight around herself, head tucked to her chest. He does not see her, cannot hear her wracking sobs, so close to his. She could reach out her hand, touch his arm, his face, his heart… and would feel nothing. Neither would ever know. Because at their core they are alone, and nothing can release them from that absolute knowledge. She stands, legs shaking from the cold and from the effort, her muscles locked in place, and joints protesting at the shift. How long has she been lying there? How long have the fingers of despair locked around her throat? She doesn’t know, and she feels in her bones that no one else does, either. Nobody knows she’s here, and she misses them all. She tries to picture her friends. A warm and smiling procession of faces, a technicolour memory that only makes the iron grey sky that much duller, the misty drizzle that much colder on her face. What is she recalling? There was music once, lights, laughter. A birthday, maybe, or a pub lunch? They sat around, on old chairs, comfortable chairs in the warm. The taste of wine was on her tongue, and her mouth was curled into a smile. The carefree chatter of her friends surrounded her and soothed her. Or did it? She wasn’t talking, wasn’t engaged with any of the bright and happy people. Her smile was fixed and deliberate, and it didn’t quite match her eyes. She was among this joy, yes, these sparkling friends, but she was not a part of it, not really. She tried to be, wanted so desperately to be a part of their easy warmth, and maybe they thought she was. But they hadn’t known her, not really. They hadn’t seen the empty ice that filled her, that kept her apart from them, that she desperately tried to thaw with each and every friendly face that smiled at her. The memory fades, and she shivers as her mind returns to the rain and the wind, tinged with the sting of salt, and the slight stench of rotten seaweed, though there was no ocean here. She feels the ice within her still, and knows she never found anyone to melt it. And now? She never will. Those who tried, she gripped so tightly that they couldn’t breathe, and so she lost them anyway. Now nobody remembers her name. If they should stumble upon an old photograph, some half-remembered birthday party that still brings up a smile, and then see her face, sat there amongst the revellers, they will frown, just for a moment, as they try to remember her name. Then they will shrug, and forget they were even curious. They will not think to wonder about her. And it is this that she is so deeply afraid of. Not the ache of her flesh from the bitter cold, not the cloying dampness of the rain, or the crushing fatigue from uncounted days or weeks or years without sleep. It is the sure knowledge that nobody remembers her existence enough to even wonder idly where she might be, or to ponder at her suffering. She screams her fear to the open air, but none beside her hear it. MARTIN Thank you. ALSO MARTIN I’m sorry. I know it’s hard. MARTIN Yeah. ALSO MARTIN So? What are we thinking? MARTIN I’m thinking that I didn’t ask for this. It’s not my fault they’re here. ALSO MARTIN True. MARTIN But I can’t keep existing like this at their expense. It’s not… it’s not right. Whatever happens with Elias, W-with the rest of the world… I can’t live on the misery of others. ALSO MARTIN They’ll suffer either way. MARTIN I get it, okay? I can’t decide what happens to them. But… I just might be able to decide what happens to me. And… And if it comes down to it… I’ll get John to destroy me like the others. ALSO MARTIN You don’t really believe he’d do it? MARTIN I don’t know. Maybe? ALSO MARTIN … This took a dark turn. MARTIN Yeah. But… this time, it doesn’t feel like despair. It feels like resolve. ALSO MARTIN Well, hopefully it won’t come to that. MARTIN Hopefully. [MARTIN SIPS REFLECTIVELY] Thanks for the tea. ALSO MARTIN We’re welcome. MARTIN Ha. [FLASK IS RESEALED WITH THE LID] So, how do I leave? ALSO MARTIN I think we just keep walking. MARTIN And John? [BAG IS ZIPPED UP] ALSO MARTIN I kind of expected him to have interrupted already. MARTIN I’m sure he’ll find us eventually. [FOOTSTEPS HEAD OFF] [CLICK]
This part... touched me. 9:31 ALSO MARTIN Really? Really? That’s how you’re choosing to remember it? Chickening out? MARTIN I remember it was the wrong choice. ALSO MARTIN You choose to remember it that way, and so the guilt - MARTIN I get it, alright? But I need it. I-I choose the guilt, because… ALSO MARTIN [Leading] Because… MARTIN Because it motivates me to do better! ALSO MARTIN … Does it though? Or… does it just keep paralysing us, make us shrink back and wait, hoping things work out?
Martin being willing to pay any price including his own life but not Jon's life. I really see Jon without Martin being way more destructive than Martin without Jon.
![The Magnus Protocol theories and thoughts [ep. 11-20]](/img/1.gif)
"I'm not your enemy." "I thought you said you were me?" Gods, that hits.
Martin Kwhat'saself-esteem Blackwood
Me @ myself
Oof
Honestly, more the "Yeah, yeah, very clever" - because you're always aware of your own bullshit.
Tea party with yourself would not really be the worst way to decompress in a situation like this. Honestly this entire season feels like a newly married couple trying to get their shit together in roleplay therapy
In this episode, Martin gives himself therapy and tea and concludes that having his boyfriend kill him is a good idea
he really said dialectical behavior therapy
More tomorrow at 6
yop prety match
The fact that this domain is about the fear of being forgotten and the avatar who's supposed to torture the people inside was almost never there
ikr👀
A demon showing up to the forgotten people and apologizing for forgetting to torture them 😄
That's not the fear of the domain. It is the fear that you had driven away everyone who could have cared about you and that because you've done that you will die alone and unknown. And. it. Is. All. Your. Fault.
@@bookworm3696 oh same
Domain of the Lonely: exists
Martin: it's free real estate
Martins a streas drinker but his drink of choice is tea and i can appreciate that
Martin, with a serious look on his face, holding a cup: "I drink to forget, but I always remember..."
Jon: ...
Jon: "...Martin that's tea"
This one and the Alzheimer manor really hurt in a special kind of way.
Martin's episodes hurt in an entirely different way than the rest.
rq loves our suffering and it’s been proved by the likes comment
@@emecartwright i imagine rq feeding on our suffering like an Entity
Jon: addicted to reading into others trauma
Martin: addicted to reading into his own trauma
This
This episode just laid out my entire life bare
And this episode reminds me why I would fall to The Lonely
same
Same, ast this point, I might aswell be an avatar of it.
ikr the lonely's entire thing is so relatable and so wrongly comforting to me
I like the lonely it nice in a weird sense
If anyone that comment above is reading this comment, know I'm reading your comments and you wont be forgotten.
Not me projecting onto a fictional character and his sad clone counterpart :')
david 7 vibes
why does martin have to be so dang relatable thooo
I want to know the exact limits of my guilt... that is terrible-beautiful line. The lonely is a weird form of masochism isn’t it?
For sure, markiplier might be a lonely avatar
@@Brumblebee5 This was exactly the reply i was hoping to see
I..it really is huh
Martin - I don't like being manipulated
Also Martin - I can be a real manipulative prick😅😅😅
Both can be true
me when I have depression but am too lazy to actually seek therapy or even another person to talk to
If it's depression, the answer is never laziness
me at 3am
me every second of the day more like
literally same... i even started talking to myself recently. this hits a little too close.
Idk what hurt worse- The episode or this comment, maybe both. Either or, both are relatable.
I cannot express my LOVE for Martin! A poetry writing, therapy needing, silly little guy who CANONICALLY day dreams about saving the world and kissing Jon behind a huge explosion like in the movies!
Aaahhhhh.... The one where I realize that I identify with Martin to a terrifying degree....
Yes... I suppose me to...
Of all the domains, this is the one I know I'd end up in.
Same
god this is such delicious episode, what a good way to spend some time exploring martin's state of mind at this point. his guilt, his hope, and his fear all make perfect sense and have been inferred by the listeners over season 5, but having them all spelled out and talked about was really cathartic. (many people, myself included, have had the exact same daydream you have, martin.) also, rest in fucking pieces martin's mom, you were such a shit head that you gave martin a negative association with OOLONG!
On one hand, it’s comforting to know that even though this was a Lonely episode, the people who feel this way aren’t truly alone with this feeling, you know?
On the other hand, OW. I felt so called out that I briefly wondered if my therapist was somehow involved in the writing process.
Why is knowing I’d be in Martin’s domain a comfort to me? 😂😂
lol. Is being alone/forgotten your greatest fear?
@@calimorale9880 idk what my greatest fear is. I fear a LOT of things
Because most people who would be in Martin's domain are already living in that manner. Eventually you numbly accept you'll live for eternity alone, and you'll probably convince yourself if was your fault. But honestly that beats riding carnival rides until your skin peels off, or a demented hospital that takes pride in your misery.
@@desimosi579 …jeez dude
i'd say see you there but we would ultimitlybe uterlly alone. the stinck of sea weed and persistant rain will suck but i know where i'm goin now
*reluctantly adds to the favorite episode pile*
oh man my therapist would have a field day with this one-
this episode was the audio version of that gif of david tennant standing in the rain- you know the one.
This episode forced me to confront the fact that Martin and Jon may have to kill each other :(
Welp.
why did you jinx us like this
I am almost sure Jon has been convinced since he was forced to enact the ritual that he has to die to do anything about the world.
I didn't notice it the first time, but around 15:57 Replica Martin says he doesn't know the names of the prisoners, even though he just told us one of them is named Tim.
:o
he says "i can't tell you their names," as part of a statement, which is more of a narrative designed to express the fear and horror than a fully accurate expression of what's happening, because 'what's happening' is the inaccurate fear and horror. "i can't tell you their names, because we don't know them" is an expression of how those isolated individuals don't get names in the statement, because of the general way that martin's domain exists
Yeah I was wondering why he contradicted himself like that.
@@cezar3169 translating this to English simply made it bigger
@@Brumblebee5 lmfao
Out of everything in this series, this episode hit me the hardest. Sure I've been creeped out and unnerved by the descriptions of the phobias that were touched throughout, and I've cried at the ones that made me grieve for the characters suffering, but this one described me exactly.
It didn't just hit close to home or touch on my fear, it was just me. What I've gone through and still going through as somebody who isn't anybody. Somebody who might never mean anything to anybody. The disconnection, the isolation, the loneliness- wanting to connect with someone but never managing to grasp that feeling of belonging. Fearing that I'll never be important to someone, that nobody will ever know me for who I am. That those who do would rather forget me, because I wasn't worth remembering. The fear that I'll live like this until the day I die, just wandering aimlessly in the cold, alone, never knowing the warmth that others have and never even managing to actually open up to someone. That I'll be forgotten by everyone, and I'll forget myself.
I've never heard someone put to words what I feel, but Jon captured it exactly. The bit about the empty eyes and the fixed smile, the cold liquid rising from within, never feeling a presence even when next to other people.. this is the only episode that's given me genuine chills. It feels like someone read out my entire life onto an episode. Hopefully, it's not too late for me to escape that Domain.
It's not too late.
The glorious thing is that every time I remember this episode, I will think of how much it felt like me, and how much I read that it felt like you to you and I will think of you, and know that I was not alone in that feeling and now you'll think of me. No matter how small, no one is ever truly forgotten. We'll make it out.
It's honestly nice knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings, even though we are isolated and feel alone
Reading your comment was like having a deeply introspective moment only put more eloquently than I ever could have.
I felt this exact way, and there is so much comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who feels like this. Except I have one difference, I constantly throw who I am out at people and am so happy when they don’t leave and then I can be myself, but there’s a problem with constantly saying who I am. I am scared that by the time they get close enough, I’ll run out of things to say, so they’ll leave with mystery solved, nothing else to learn. And then I’ll be left a shell of who I was
Favorite episode hands down. Can't tell me otherwise.
I'd explain why but I just can't put into words how much I adore this episode and it's contents
Same for me it just perfectly described my mental state like someone finally put it into words plus I love Martin so theres that
I love and hate that we get to hear Martin weigh his options of having to try to kill Jon, or asking Jon to kill him. Apocalypse aside, Martin #2 is right that their relationship is still so new and its already being bent under the weight if their situation. Martin's had feelings for Jon for so long that for him to now consider either of their deaths at the hands of the other HURTS.
I feel like Martin survived his mother by cultivating a cold logic under his cinnamon roll desire for affection. Considering the extremes and deciding ahead of time how far he would be willing to go isn't that out of the ordinary for him. I think paranoids and anxiety prone can be like this sometimes too. As the joke goes, when the building is on fire, they're the ones who know where the fire exits are.
Can you NOT @me so hard? Thanks. Well written episode Jon and well performed Alex
Martin’s domain sorta reminds me of the first circle of hell as described by Dante 👀👀
This is my favorite episode. It talks to me on a very personal level. This is such a good podcast
Always a pleasure to find another Malkavian in the wild. We tend to gravitate to the same type of content, don't we?
I’m the first guy that CloneMartin described being tortured. “He is young but he has always felt old. He feels tired.”
“are we going to have to kill jon?” UMMM 👀
IM SOBBING!
I always loved how good characters were written in TMA. But this is an entire new level.
Me: Ignoring the content warning because I want to hear the whole story
Me listening to the episode:
༼ つ ಥ_ಥ ༽つ
I mean that just sounds like a Tuesday evening actually haha.
It's honestly extremely comforting to have my own psyche so completely understood that I could listen to it in podcast form.
The rain, the talking to yourself, the tea, god even the mention of the ocean.
This whole episode just feels so calm and cathartic. And it's sad, but in the 'clinically depressed but going on four years' kind of way. Like taking an evening to sob after a hard day but then taking a bath and getting to sleep in the next day.
its just,,, so so good.
I'm going to go make some tea now haha. Before the next episode :)
this one hurts. I empathize a little too hard with the woman sitting alone surrounded by friends
Same :(
I have a love-hate realtion with this episode. I hate that it shows me clearly what I am most afraid of but also love that atleast in this way I get some closure
Martin giving himself therapy
I constantly forget to actually listen to the podcast, so when they go up on RUclips it reminds me to listen!
With the series ending in 8 days, I envy the weeks or months of additional magnus you're gonna have.
@@maryz9319 theres only 2 left, right?😭
@@maryz9319 didja like the end of s5?
I've been trying to figure out which domain of horrors I'd be thrown in during the end of the world. I think I found it.
... wait this is just a socratic dialogue regarding an individual's mental state. this is sanders sides again
I see I'm not the only one to relate very much to Martin. Which sure is a thing to be, uh, not alone about
I... shed a few tears ?? This is the first time in years it has happened to me while consuming fiction !!
Some parts were a bit too relatable, I suppose, but it was very cathartic. Made me reflect a bit. I like the existentialism the show can have
ahh yes sander sides but with more pin point accuracy
Virgil woulda LOVED the panopticon
Ouch. Another one that hits close to home... I can't help but relate to Martin every time.
Y'know, i would actually like to chat with myself like this. Would be an efficient way to sort out the mess that is my mind.
Martin talking to his clone or other self is really nice, I have to admit, the victims hits me hard, I built up a wall after being hurt and ignored again and again. Right now I'm slowly tearing down my walls and making friends.
Did a little cry because it hit a little too close to home. I love it so much. This has been such a good podcast, god damn
This is the domain id end up in. Literally the first one he describes is exactly me.
After a few days of binge watching I'm finally caught up. Time well spent 😊
Well didn't this episode just offer me a nice cup of oolong, and then land twelve consecutive shots right between my eyes huh
Shadow Martin low-key slaps tho, can we keep him
Dear lord, that lady stuck in the Lonely is so me I’m convinced you just stole my soul. I could deal with all the other fears in this show, could be detached, but not when you play my soul back at me. The worst part about being that particular kind of lonely is when you try to stop, you try to contribute something and connect with the people around you by laying out everything you are and you are so very happy when some decide to stay. But there’s a catch, I am so incredibly afraid that one day, I’ll run out of things to say. So that person will look at me and see a mystery solved, a box checked off so they can move on, a show they finished so what’s the use in keeping it around, they already know everything there is to know.
Ugh, and here I was listening to this podcast thinking that my worst fear was werewolves or the deep ocean. Absolutely immaculate storytelling.
Can I visit Martin's demesne? A chat with a more honest version of myself sounds lovely to wrangle my brain in line.
Only martin gets that. For everyone else, there's depression.
for the fact that martin is not my favourite character episodes studying him hit me the most. "I'm here because you're trying very hard not to be alone" Like what if I just sobbed huh what then
Learning that Martin hates oolong because of his trauma for his mum.
So this is what it feels like to have one of your deep rooted fears analyzed... It's like your pulling it out of my chest and holding it on display
Now that I'm up to speed on what's on RUclips at least, I want to voice a theory about the inevitable end of the series. I propose that Jon, however consciously, is "cultivating" Martin to become the first avatar to an entity of hope. Normally, what people hope for is so different from each other that a proper manifestation of it would be too scattered to properly exist, especially if it's forced to spawn in the same space that the entities of fear already reside (for those in the know it'd be like bringing forth a new positive Chaos God into the Immaterium.) With the world being in such a state however, it leaves that aforementioned space free for new entities to come forth, and with all the terror going on in the world, there's now only one, universal hope: that all of this horror will come to an end, one way or another.
Martin is the only person who has been able to keep anything even approaching a positive attitude and has never lost true hope that things can go back to normal. I would wager that Jon is forging Martin into a "key" much in the same way that Elias/Jonah fashioned Jon into a key. This key, however, has the purpose of locking the door that they came out of, returning the world to its natural order & no doubt getting rid of a large percentage of the avatars & leaving a great many artifacts in their stead.
Only comment I'll make on the accuracy of this theory is - TMA has been a tragedy throughout. Do you really think that they'll end it any other way?
@@pyrosianheir Yes. I have hope. :)
Damn, I wish this was true but I have the feeling it’s not…
i feel that a happy ending in a series like this one with so much sadness would unless it was expertly crafted to perfection would feel like it was saying the suffering of the hundreds of people we've heard about through this whole thing would mean nothing it all just got fix and sure theres some trauma but its fine now and for me that sort of ending would be just like so many thing ive heard from people in my own life regaurding my trauma. im a first time lisner and still dont know the ending btw
I know this is forever ago, but as another first time listener, I don't think this theory is correct? But I really like the idea that the Fears abandoning the mental landscape opens it up to other entities. Somebody in the story said that there was no place to "put the fears back" but, the fears were born from humans, humans are still thinking, their random thoughts aren't popping into existence, so there IS an immaterial place where human mental energy congeals. It feels like poetic justice if something took advantage of the fears not maintaining their control of that zone.
I come back to listen to this episode more than any of the others, absolutely is the peak of writing in the magnus archives
martin, to martin: want some tea?
Martin, to Martin: want a plaster for that gushing chest wound
this episode actually hits home for me... Not just in the way that i too fear of being forgotten and overlooked, but my mind keeps going back to all those times i looked at a old pictures of someone i was supposed to know but just couldnt remember their names and actually did frown and shrug it off... How many people did i myself forget?
Not me listening to this at the end of my first semester at college, away from home with one roommate in an empty apartment, where I kept to myself and made no friends almost on purpose. This hit way too close to home. Gah, I'm glad I'm going home for the holidays. This just might be the push that forces me to make friends next semester. Bravo, and ouch.
yknow .. martin's episode really hits deep. if I were in this universe I think I too will serve the lonely or something like that. the wall metaphor, it feels so similar to mine. I've been masking my whole life and all i can do is push people away, kept saying to myself that "they're a bad person anyway, I don't want them in my life." it hurts and it feels like I don't have any control over anything when I can control something. it's so out of reach yet I COULD reach it, but I didn't. I chose to be here and keep telling myself that I will be out of here once I've freed myself from my family. but honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to find someone I could fully trust ever again. I hope I could.
Nice tea party in the best company
I hate that I relate to this so much
First time listener, first time commenter, obligatory "I made it until to this episode without crying". Thank you, TMA team. That was beautiful. Thank you so much.
man. the first "statement" actually hitted a nerve in me. fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
didn't expect the Funky spooky podcast to call my trauma out, but here we are!!!!!!
Well I feel called out
Seeing Martin alone with himself, but also competing him, like stepping off a mirrors reflection into another world
Holy heck I didn't realized how similar I am to Martin until this episode. Now my inner thoughts are going to speak with Alex's voice...
anyway guess I kin Martin now because this episode hit a little too close to home
"I am a shadow. The true self".
Well... I'd be in Martin's domain. Little consolation, I suppose... Better than nothing
alternative title: Questionable Tearapy
The first episode to hit me personally, I'm weirdly enjoying this.
every line is pure gold...
MY FREAKING HEART...MARTIN!!!!!!
Huh. I guess like many other in the comments this episode did hit close to home. Especially the second part.
You know, with every statement the picture would play out vividly in my head. The places the people the monsters.
But in this one I just saw myself. And all those times where it sit behind a computer screen, joined in a chatroom full of people, and tried so hard not to make a noise as I cried.
:pets:
186 and there he have it, THAT one episode.
But somehow is still find it oddly comforting that the two people are so close to each other despite being unable to see each other. There is just something hopefull about knowing that there are people that know this feeling, know this suffering being closer than you could anticipate. Yhe lonely makes it impossible for them to reach eachother but in the real world they would have a chance to
You have me imagining two people, blind, deaf, and insensible to touch, who know each other is out there. How would they communicate?
@@Badficwriter I think they could feel eachothers warmth or mabye just the present of the other and mabye, knowing that someone is close to you, mabye that's enough
this made me realize that i would fall into the lonely and serve it- i wouldve been a avatar of the lonely-
Damn, I love this ep but the next one is really sad, for me atleast.
man this is more relatable than i had expected. this was so much of my life for so long. awful to be alone even surrounded by genuine friends, awful to feel unable to broach the topic with someone safe to grope in the dark for connection, awful to find they dont understand what you're saying. just another person in quiet suffering, no one's a mind reader and so, they simply dont know while a black coal burns hollowing out one's chest year over years
This one hurt me so bad and made me feel so seen in such specific detail that I literally wept. Martin's story arc has been UNWARRANTEDLY relatable for me. Like damn, y'know? Jesus, TMA's really good you guys
"it's actually not a button 🙄"
This episode is weirdly comforting. The stories are horribly sad, yes, but at least people aren't screaming in agony or perpetually burning eating each others' faces. It's more of a sobbing sadness than outright horror. I like you Martin, you're mild even in your avatar form :3
i think this is one of my favorite episodes
Dont get an umbrella Martin. John will bully it so hard
I think this episode may have just served as a form of therapy for me.
love this episode!!!
"Martin is such a crumpet, my favorite character, oh how I love him 🥰"
*Martin insults oolong*
"HOW DARE YOU 😤😤😤"
Ah yes, the episode that made me accept I'd fall for The Lonely in no time at all
Ah the domain of Nihilistic clinical depression. So good to be home
woah.. man this ep was... it was something else, actually the only one that managed to make me cry a bit.. i- i just, this is exactly the shit i've been going through, just kinda not feeling that connection with others and feeling.. alone, i really thought i was always more into the darkness fear, because i never thought i would relate to the lonely, but just.. hearing this ep makes me.. idk it just kinda, brings something to me that i cannot explain, it's not good.. it's not good for sure, but i think i just.. i think i needed to hear this really, even tho it wasn't made for me or for health purposes, but.. man like, just great job you know? this ep was comforting and scary in a way.
oh hey i think i found the domain that i would be a part of
This one should be associated with The Eye the way Rusty Quill is calling us all out and making us feel _seen._
"I felt so called out that I briefly wondered if my therapist was somehow involved with the writing process." -Brinara13
Oh I'm so clueless. It just clicked that Martin and Jon are actually an item and not just wholesome bros
I have never identified more with a character in my current phase of life as I do right now. The loneliness is getting to me and it's by my own hand.
“It’s not button soo” is wayyy too underated
[CLICK]
[FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL OR DIRT, AS A LIGHT RAIN FALLS]
MARTIN
So this is it, then.
…
How dreary.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[Calling] Hello!? Anybody!?
John?
Hello!
…
Big surprise.
Well at least I can still remember everything this time. And no more bloody chairs.
It’s weird, though. Never actually been anywhere like this. That said, it is kind of… huh…
[STATIC RISES]
[THERE IS A SLIGHT REVERB ON ALSO MARTIN’S FIRST WORDS AS HE APPROACHES]
ALSO MARTIN
Wuthering Heights.
MARTIN
Yeah. God, I hated studying that. It was all just so…
ALSO MARTIN
Overblown.
MARTIN
Yeah…
ALSO MARTIN
But that cover… those wide empty spaces. It felt right, didn’t it?
MARTIN
So what? That’s where we are?
ALSO MARTIN
Right down to the monochrome.
MARTIN
Hm.
D’you have an umbrella?
ALSO MARTIN
No.
But you don’t want one. We like the rain.
MARTIN
True.
ALSO MARTIN
Because it makes the sadness feel at home. It turns it from a burden into -
MARTIN
[Sigh] - an indulgence
ALSO MARTIN
That’s right.
[PACING]
MARTIN
So what is this? You’re part of me so you know everything about me? Is that it?
ALSO MARTIN
Yes.
MARTIN
Because you’re part of my domain?
ALSO MARTIN
Also yes.
MARTIN
Some sort of cosmic joke about ‘being alone with my thoughts’, I assume?
ALSO MARTIN
I’m here because you’re trying very hard not to be alone. To resist the comfort.
MARTIN
So, instead I get to talk to myself?
ALSO MARTIN
Apparently.
[PACING CONTINUES THEN STOPS]
MARTIN
Okay, so if I’m so desperate not to be alone, why isn’t John here? Hmm? He can find me anywhere.
ALSO MARTIN
I don’t know.
MARTIN
[Dubious] Oh yeah?
ALSO MARTIN
Look, I know what you know. Maybe I’m just a bit more… open about it.
MARTIN
And what do you mean by that?
ALSO MARTIN
Like how you don’t actually want him here? Maybe that has something to do with it?
MARTIN
You’ve no idea what you’re talking about!
ALSO MARTIN
I mean, you can argue with me if you like. Seems like a bit of a waste, though.
MARTIN
I - No, a -
ALSO MARTIN
It’s alright. It’s hard to be vulnerable.
MARTIN
[Resigned] It’s not that.
ALSO MARTIN
No?
MARTIN
No, I just… I’m ashamed to let him see this place, alright. To see what - I don’t know, what feeds me?
ALSO MARTIN
Sure, that’s part of it, but… it’s not the whole thing, is it? Not really.
MARTIN
What do you mean?
ALSO MARTIN
Well, if you don’t count ‘memory manor’, when was the last time you were even on your own?
MARTIN
Well I… hmm.
ALSO MARTIN
It has been a very long time since the Institute.
MARTIN
That’s… a good point.
ALSO MARTIN
It’s okay to want a bit of space now and then. New romance is hard. And armageddon makes it even harder, never mind the fact that you’re metaphorically joined at the hip thanks to the whole ‘eye-lord’ thing. It’s okay to want some space.
MARTIN
Ohhhhh, I see.
ALSO MARTIN
See what?
MARTIN
I get it. So that’s your deal. You tell me what I want to hear to try and get me to stay.
ALSO MARTIN
[Wearily] Seriously? Fine. If you don’t want to engage, if you want to pretend I’m just some… temptation ghost, you go ahead. Knock yourself out. Like I said, I’m not your enemy.
MARTIN
[Archly] Oh really? I thought you said you were me?
ALSO MARTIN
Right, yes. Very clever.
MARTIN
We have our moments, I guess.
ALSO MARTIN
Look, if you want to leave, you can. It’s not a problem.
MARTIN
You won’t try to stop me?
ALSO MARTIN
I mean, it really doesn’t matter to me. You leave and I’m just you again. It’s all the same to me, really.
MARTIN
So why do you want me to stay then? Hmm?
ALSO MARTIN
Because you want to stay. Because you want to have a real rest. To just breathe and … be quietly sad, I guess.
[SILENCE AS THE RAIN GETS A LITTLE HEAVIER]
MARTIN
It’s not healthy.
ALSO MARTIN
Maybe not, but I’m not entirely sure what healthy options are even left, at this point.
MARTIN
We could talk to John about it.
ALSO MARTIN
We could. But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting to actually help. But hey, we know all about that, am I right?
MARTIN
There’s nothing wrong with comforting people.
ALSO MARTIN
A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster. At worst… a muzzle.
MARTIN
Yeah, yeah.
Even so, I could murder a cuppa. I doubt you’ve got a kettle out here though.
ALSO MARTIN
As a matter of fact, I do have a thermos.
MARTIN
You’re joking?
ALSO MARTIN
This is our domain. You’re not supposed to suffer here. Well, not like the others… you know what I mean.
[A METAL FLASK IS UNSCREWED]
[ELONGATED SOUND OF TEA POURING]
Here.
[FLASK IS RESEALED]
[MARTIN SIGHS DEEPLY AS HE SIPS]
MARTIN
Wait that’s… wait, is that…?
ALSO MARTIN
Yeah, sorry about that. There’s only so much we can do, what with the new world and everything. Even the good things get tinged with memory.
MARTIN
Eurgh. Oolong. Of course. Of course! Whenever I asked a question she didn’t like, or she wanted to stop the conversation -
ALSO MARTIN
Off you’d go to put the kettle on.
MARTIN
And it always had to be that bloody oolong. Eurgh.
[ANOTHER SIP]
Blergh.
ALSO MARTIN
…
It wasn’t your fault.
MARTIN
Yes, it was.
ALSO MARTIN
That’s just the guilt talking.
MARTIN
Oh, you think?
ALSO MARTIN
She was awful.
MARTIN
She wasn’t well.
ALSO MARTIN
Both things can be true.
MARTIN
She was still my mum! Our mum. Whatever!
ALSO MARTIN
[Emphatically] And we’re glad she’s dead.
MARTIN
Jesus…
ALSO MARTIN
Too much? Like I said, I’m a bit more open.
MARTIN
I -
ALSO MARTIN
Don’t lie. You don’t need to. Not here. It’s just us.
[HEAVY SIGH FROM MARTIN]
MARTIN
If we’re glad, why do I feel so…
ALSO MARTIN
Guilty?
Because you feel guilty about everything.
MARTIN
That’s… That’s not -
ALSO MARTIN
Your mother.
MARTIN
Stress is a proper factor in a stroke -
ALSO MARTIN
Everything that’s happened to John.
MARTIN
I brought Jane Prentiss to the Institute!
ALSO MARTIN
The end of the entire world?
MARTIN
If I’d done what Peter had asked… If I’d not chickened out, and just killed Elias when I had the chance…
ALSO MARTIN
Really? Really? That’s how you’re choosing to remember it? Chickening out?
MARTIN
I remember it was the wrong choice.
ALSO MARTIN
You choose to remember it that way, and so the guilt -
MARTIN
I get it, alright? But I need it. I-I choose the guilt, because…
ALSO MARTIN
[Leading] Because…
MARTIN
Because it motivates me to do better!
ALSO MARTIN
…
Does it though? Or… does it just keep paralysing us, make us shrink back and wait, hoping things work out? Like with John, when we thought the worms had got him.
MARTIN
Hey, to be fair, he still kind of hated me back then. I’m really not sure it would have been the time to take my shot.
ALSO MARTIN
Fair. He was projecting hard. Between us, that guy’s got some real issues.
MARTIN
Hey! Pretty sure we love ‘that guy’.
ALSO MARTIN
Yeah, and all his many, many problems.
MARTIN
Fine.
ALSO MARTIN
But also, you know that’s not what I’m talking about. It’s this, this fantasy that you have, that whatever you find at the top of the Panopticon is just going to solve everything.
MARTIN
I don’t -
ALSO MARTIN
You do though. You daydream about it! The big climactic showdown with Elias, and then the two of you kiss, and push a button that just magically saves the world and makes everything better.
MARTIN
It’s actually not a button, so -
ALSO MARTIN
Stop. Deflecting.
MARTIN
[Angry] S-So what, okay? We should just give up? Hmm? Just stay here and curl up into a ball and just accept the world as is? Hmm? That’s your big solution?
ALSO MARTIN
I’m saying there aren’t any easy solutions. We have no idea what’s going to happen. Even if we make it to the tower, we don’t know there’ll be a fix. And if by some miracle there is, we both know the price will be awful. Just look at Melanie.
MARTIN
I -
[A RESIGNED SIGH]
ALSO MARTIN
We are completely out of our depth. We’re responsible for everyone everywhere, and we have no idea what we’re doing. The last thing we need is self-indulgent guilt on top of that.
MARTIN
I can be a real manipulative prick, you know that?
ALSO MARTIN
Oh, yeah.
[PAUSE FOR REFLECTION]
[MARTIN FINISHES HIS CUPPA]
MARTIN
[Grimly] Tea.
Please.
[FLASK IS UNSCREWED AGAIN]
[TEA SOUNDS ENSUE]
So, this price. What do you think?
Are we going to have to kill John?
ALSO MARTIN
I don’t know because you don’t know. But it seems like something we should at least consider.
MARTIN
I… have thought about it. And… I won’t. I don’t think I could.
ALSO MARTIN
Mmhmm.
MARTIN
But anything else? Any other price? I’ll pay it.
ALSO MARTIN
Even dying?
MARTIN
Yeah!
ALSO MARTIN
John’s as bad as we are. He wouldn’t let it happen.
MARTIN
It’s not his decision.
ALSO MARTIN
Fine. So flip that round, then. What are you going to do when he tries to sacrifice himself, because you know he’s going to try?
MARTIN
I don’t know, all right? I don’t know.
ALSO MARTIN
And that’s okay for now, but I just want us to have thought about this stuff properly before it comes up. Because even if that’s not it, chances are it’ll be something else you don’t want to do, and we need to make a proper choice. We can’t just react out of shame or fear or whatever.
MARTIN
What, like with Peter and Elias?
ALSO MARTIN
Yes.
MARTIN
That was a proper choice?! I chose wrong!
ALSO MARTIN
But you made a decision. Your own decision. Regardless of the outcome.
MARTIN
I… I’ll think about it.
ALSO MARTIN
We’ll think about it.
MARTIN
Sure.
[ANOTHER SIGH, ANOTHER SIP]
What about the people here?
ALSO MARTIN
What people?
MARTIN
I don’t know. My… ‘prisoners’, I guess?
ALSO MARTIN
What about them?
MARTIN
Why haven’t we talked about them?
ALSO MARTIN
Because you didn’t want to think about them. So, we didn’t.
MARTIN
Yeah? Well, I want to now. Consider it a ‘proper choice’ if you like.
ALSO MARTIN
Okay.
MARTIN
Can I see them?
ALSO MARTIN
No. This place is about hidden, unnoticed suffering.
MARTIN
I can feel them, though.
ALSO MARTIN
Sure, you’re aware of it, dimly. A sort of far-off, lonely terror. But there’s no way for us to actually see or hear them.
MARTIN
Hmm. But… if this is my domain, can I fix that? Like, can I change things?
ALSO MARTIN
If you wanted to start actively tormenting them, I’m sure this place would oblige. But ‘fixing’ things? Making it easier on them, or freeing them… probably not.
MARTIN
Fine.
…
Can you tell me about them?
ALSO MARTIN
I can. Deep down, we do know what’s happening to them.
MARTIN
Do we know who they are?
ALSO MARTIN
We never met them in the old world. Although one of them is named Tim. Just a coincidence, I think, unless it was a subconscious thing on our part.
MARTIN
Tell me. Please. Like John would.
ALSO MARTIN
Why? Just so you can torture yourself?
MARTIN
I want to know the exact limits of my guilt.
ALSO MARTIN
Fair enough.
ALSO MARTIN (STATEMENT)
I can’t tell you their names, because we don’t know them. Who they are, who they were - these details are lost to us. But they’re also lost to them. Sometimes they get flashes, moments of people they might have been. Phantom pasts, the ghosts of happy futures. But they’re empty, and vanish if they try to hold them.
One of them is young, though he has always felt old. He has always felt tired. He has stood apart from everyone who ever cared for him and never felt the distance. His family were cold, and so to keep that coldness at bay, he built a towering wall between them and him. He hid it in jokes and practiced smiles, but on a cloudy day, they could see it. And when he was able to leave his family behind, that wall came with him, following him, keeping out the world.
He would walk the streets of the city at night and wish the world away, so it could be just him, with no-one to know him or judge him or hurt him. Sometimes, when the emptiness inside began to bite, he reached out for people, and took a friend or a lover. But when he did, it was only to watch them beat themselves again and again against that wall, until they finally relented, and he was alone once more. He told himself it was for the best. He told himself he liked it like that.
And now he is here. The wall still surrounds him, though now it encircles all the fields where he staggers, wet from the rain, and cold from the wind. He calls out for somebody to see him, for somebody to know how achingly hollow he is. He walks and walks and walks, desperate for another voice, for someone to know where he is and what he’s going through. But he can’t shout too loud. If he does, he feels the thick grey mulch rising from where it has settled in the hollow of his chest. It pushes up his throat and streams from his mouth instead of words. It is clouded and so bitterly cold that where it lands, the scrubland grass turns brittle and crumbles away, leaving only ice, pulled from the deepest parts of him, hardened and crusted into a smooth, dark mirror, reflecting his lined and careworn face against the clouded sky. The rain pricks his skin, though there is no comfort in it. Because he knows he can never be warm and dry again. The wall is too high.
But still he keeps walking, keeps crying out, though quieter now. Nobody knows he’s here, and if they did, they wouldn’t care. He has driven them all away, kept them so far from who he is that there is no-one now to see his suffering. No-one who cares.
He falls to his knees, icy mud clinging to his legs, soaking through his threadbare trousers as tears and rain fall from his cheeks in equal measure. Next to him, a woman lies on her side, curled tight around herself, head tucked to her chest. He does not see her, cannot hear her wracking sobs, so close to his. She could reach out her hand, touch his arm, his face, his heart… and would feel nothing. Neither would ever know. Because at their core they are alone, and nothing can release them from that absolute knowledge.
She stands, legs shaking from the cold and from the effort, her muscles locked in place, and joints protesting at the shift. How long has she been lying there? How long have the fingers of despair locked around her throat? She doesn’t know, and she feels in her bones that no one else does, either. Nobody knows she’s here, and she misses them all.
She tries to picture her friends. A warm and smiling procession of faces, a technicolour memory that only makes the iron grey sky that much duller, the misty drizzle that much colder on her face. What is she recalling? There was music once, lights, laughter. A birthday, maybe, or a pub lunch? They sat around, on old chairs, comfortable chairs in the warm. The taste of wine was on her tongue, and her mouth was curled into a smile. The carefree chatter of her friends surrounded her and soothed her. Or did it?
She wasn’t talking, wasn’t engaged with any of the bright and happy people. Her smile was fixed and deliberate, and it didn’t quite match her eyes. She was among this joy, yes, these sparkling friends, but she was not a part of it, not really. She tried to be, wanted so desperately to be a part of their easy warmth, and maybe they thought she was. But they hadn’t known her, not really. They hadn’t seen the empty ice that filled her, that kept her apart from them, that she desperately tried to thaw with each and every friendly face that smiled at her.
The memory fades, and she shivers as her mind returns to the rain and the wind, tinged with the sting of salt, and the slight stench of rotten seaweed, though there was no ocean here. She feels the ice within her still, and knows she never found anyone to melt it. And now? She never will. Those who tried, she gripped so tightly that they couldn’t breathe, and so she lost them anyway. Now nobody remembers her name. If they should stumble upon an old photograph, some half-remembered birthday party that still brings up a smile, and then see her face, sat there amongst the revellers, they will frown, just for a moment, as they try to remember her name. Then they will shrug, and forget they were even curious. They will not think to wonder about her.
And it is this that she is so deeply afraid of. Not the ache of her flesh from the bitter cold, not the cloying dampness of the rain, or the crushing fatigue from uncounted days or weeks or years without sleep. It is the sure knowledge that nobody remembers her existence enough to even wonder idly where she might be, or to ponder at her suffering.
She screams her fear to the open air, but none beside her hear it.
MARTIN
Thank you.
ALSO MARTIN
I’m sorry. I know it’s hard.
MARTIN
Yeah.
ALSO MARTIN
So? What are we thinking?
MARTIN
I’m thinking that I didn’t ask for this. It’s not my fault they’re here.
ALSO MARTIN
True.
MARTIN
But I can’t keep existing like this at their expense. It’s not… it’s not right. Whatever happens with Elias, W-with the rest of the world… I can’t live on the misery of others.
ALSO MARTIN
They’ll suffer either way.
MARTIN
I get it, okay? I can’t decide what happens to them. But… I just might be able to decide what happens to me. And… And if it comes down to it…
I’ll get John to destroy me like the others.
ALSO MARTIN
You don’t really believe he’d do it?
MARTIN
I don’t know. Maybe?
ALSO MARTIN
…
This took a dark turn.
MARTIN
Yeah. But… this time, it doesn’t feel like despair.
It feels like resolve.
ALSO MARTIN
Well, hopefully it won’t come to that.
MARTIN
Hopefully.
[MARTIN SIPS REFLECTIVELY]
Thanks for the tea.
ALSO MARTIN
We’re welcome.
MARTIN
Ha.
[FLASK IS RESEALED WITH THE LID]
So, how do I leave?
ALSO MARTIN
I think we just keep walking.
MARTIN
And John?
[BAG IS ZIPPED UP]
ALSO MARTIN
I kind of expected him to have interrupted already.
MARTIN
I’m sure he’ll find us eventually.
[FOOTSTEPS HEAD OFF]
[CLICK]
Thank you!
This part... touched me.
9:31
ALSO MARTIN
Really? Really? That’s how you’re choosing to remember it? Chickening out?
MARTIN
I remember it was the wrong choice.
ALSO MARTIN
You choose to remember it that way, and so the guilt -
MARTIN
I get it, alright? But I need it. I-I choose the guilt, because…
ALSO MARTIN
[Leading] Because…
MARTIN
Because it motivates me to do better!
ALSO MARTIN
…
Does it though? Or… does it just keep paralysing us, make us shrink back and wait, hoping things work out?
Martin being willing to pay any price including his own life but not Jon's life. I really see Jon without Martin being way more destructive than Martin without Jon.
That tea pouring sfx was the most pleasant thing to hear in this apocalypse.
21:07 why is this girl such a mood
So nice to know I'm not the only one that's has a discussions with my more Frank double. She even has a name.
yeah I do that all the time. I think it comes as a result of growing up lonely
Bloody hell this domain calls to me like no other.
...I like this place~ I want to go there 💜