The Video I Regret Making (plus a quick life update)
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
- There's a video on my channel that I kinda wish I didn't make. Buuuut... it's complicated.
Also, did you know I'm moving? You did?? Big deal, everyone did.
#asmr #fatherhood #fathers #alienation
Music: Final Fantasy Mystic Quest - Beautiful Forest
It's okay parasocially surrogate Dad, I'm proud of you no matter what regrets you have.
I *really* like this. We can be dads/mothers/parents/aunties/uncles (hereafter just "dad") for each other. We can be proud and supportive in a non-hierarchical way, but still use comforting terms like "dad". Lets make "dad" anybody that is proud of you and supports you. @nefariouswan and @ThatDangDad ... I'm proud of you both and hope that you continue to love, support, and inspire those around you.
I agree
🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤
Thanks dad!
@@endTHEhegemony_TodayThanks Moon dad... I appreciate your affirming words!
@@endTHEhegemony_TodayI'm not your dad, son
@@shytendeakatamanoir9740 thats alright, 😃 thanks anyway, Dad
🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤
Drink Water!
Much Love!!!
TDD always reminds me of a customer I had once. Huge smile on his face whole time I was there, very friendly. He casually dropped a story where he was a police officer. I said, “You used to be a cop? But you seem so friendly!" He laughed a lot and said, “I didn’t used to be!"
honestly, other details aside, the ASMR video was just really effective at, y'know, being an ASMR video. It's very hilarious to me when someone does ASMR as a "joke" and then accidentally makes some of the best ASMR that exists.
Seconded. The same thing happened to me with, and I'm not joking, Sam's ASMR Critical Role Twitch advert. It is so clearly a joke but it is also just good ASMR.
You may feel like you're not good enough to be someone else's role model. You may feel like you're not ready to be someone's surrogate father figure, but I think you're doing great! I'm really proud of you, and I'm excited for whatever the next stage of your life has to bring you!
All joking aside, you can never know how people will receive your art. You can make something that you thought was a lighthearted joke, or that you think wasn't very good, and people can be deeply moved by it. In a sense, it doesn't really matter what you intended by it. They got something of value from it, and isn't that all that really matters?
This is exactly what I was thinking!
I've been aware of the ASMR video you did for quite some time, but have always been too damaged to receive the message. When my beloved partner first became my unintentional surrogate parent, any time he would say such validational things, I'd break down into a sobbing ball of pain in a puddle of trauma. And I was always amazed he never left me like that.
Thank you for seeing the value of your role here, and bearing the weight of the responsibility with compassion and humility. You are truly a good man, and we're glad to have you.
Wow what a wonderful and insightful message. There's for sure a pendulum effect here exemplified in your missive- seems like some who are damaged in the way you suggest you've been end up absorbing understanding of and emitting just what they lacked. Love to you.
Not gonna lie, when you started demoing the ASMR in this video, I was like, "This is going to be cringey." Then on the 3rd affirmation or so I started getting it. Quality. Don't be ashamed. There is always the possibility that you secretly wanted to make an ASMR video, but were subconsciously ashamed to, so you rationalized it to yourself by telling yourself it was a joke, then you moved forward thoroughly believing that. I that seems like a cop out (pun intended), but you'd be surprised by how many people broaden their horizons by attempting a new hobby or the like as a "joke" first. You can see this negatively in fascists too... The point here is that it is a normal human behavior, and you have nothing to be ashamed about for that.
Artists put our work out in the world, and it takes on a life of its own.
I'm an infrequent watcher. Everyone here has said anything I could have said. But I'll leave you with a thought.
You know the Nutcracker ballet, shown everywhere, every Christmas? The composer hated it. He thought it was terrible. But it's his most popular work.
If more people were willing to admit to their mistakes, this world would legitimately be a better place
lol i saw the background stuff and literally thought "yep, parents house"
real talk, if you had a second channel where you uploaded yourself reading a bedtime story every night, I would tune in to peacefully fall asleep
Lotr series let’s gooo
TDD just out here telling us we don't have to be perfect, then worrying about not being perfect. As an advice columnist that often fails at listening to my own self-care advice, I SEE YOU.
As someone who has 2 great loving parents it honestly surprised me how fortunate I am seeing a lot of hurt people online. Will never take them for granted. Thanks for the update (:
Yeah, right? I go camping with my father every year, but I would have never described us as particularly close.
He drove all of us to school for years, but it's just... normal to me.
The fact our parents will always be there for us as long as they can is something I always took for granted, and I have to be careful not to abuse that kindness.
As a Missourian with a young child, Minnesota is looking pretty nice these days.
I hope Minnesota treats you well! Much love for you and your content from this Minnesotan! Don't be too hard on yourself for any video regrets!
ay yo another minnesotan!! i feel like i never see others around in the comments when location is relevant to the video
Oh! Another Minnesotan, awesome!
Yeah! Minnesota party here in the comments! 🎉
I'm hoping to move there soon! Good to know there will be some pretty chill people there!
Phil, the way you take accountability and show compassion for others and yourself is a good reason why your channel is so aptly named. You are modeling good Dad behavior.
I'm almost certainly older than you, and have done so much good mental health work that I don't really need a surrogate parent, but as a survivor of severe childhood trauma and neglect, it warms my heart to see you out here doing your thing and being a positive force for good. I doubt anyone expects you to be perfect; we understand that we only have a small window into all that you are. But what we see is fantastic, and I for one am very happy to keep supporting you.
Have a safe and uneventful move!
I appreciate your honesty and soft approach. Take care and good luck on the moving stuff.
That proud Dad ASMR video is really sweet. It's interesting how sometimes art can hit people more deeply or in a different way than the artist intended.
Friendly reminder, for our friendly neighbourhood semi surrogate parental figure, seeing the growth and recognition from making it as a joke, to seeing the sincerity, to exploring and learning about this topic, is a core part of why you do get the respect you get. It isnt about being perfect, it is about the self awareness to listen and try to do better, which is at its core one of the big things that many of us lacked in our own parental figures. Glad to hear y'all are getting out of Kentucky, I don't know the specific states very well as a Canuckadin, but I know thats not one of the better ones to be in these days (I RUclips on a tablet so community posts arent available most of the time to me,).
being a human navigating an online space is a very unique phenomenon, despite the prevalence of it’s current saturation in digestible content, but you’re human. dads are human. dads aren’t perfect. humans aren’t perfect - nor should we, or others, should expect to be. which isn’t to dismiss the fact that RUclipsrs are people with as many human emotions as everyone else - but sincerely do appreciate all of the sincerity you put into your videos
but genuinely love the gentle soft voice (the asmr voice has also got game, but I’m picky about asmr) - gives a dose of the brain tinglies
hope the move goes well and would’ve also asked how you know that you can use a sock as a pop filter but i didn’t know wtf a pop filter was so i did a google and well.. now i know why a sock is effective at being a proper pop filter lol but you’re welcome to still share unless that’s been answered already
Edit, after looking at other comments: didn’t even realize there was a sock in the frame lol
Like actual fatherhood, you will make mistakes. All we can ask is that you try and learn from them when they happen
My comment for some reason got deleted, so hopefully this isn't a double-post?
I can see how having that role put on you can be stressful, because you want to feel like you're living up to it! For my take (if that has any value), I've considered you a friend I can go to for advice and share cool things with. It's definitely difficult when you feel like you've had to grow, because while growing is a great thing, it sucks to look back on sometimes haha. Thinking about my own older videos and how you can clearly tell it's a 16 year old baby anarchist. But it's been great to see how your opinions and values have changed over time and I'm proud of who you've become!
When you got all whispery, I melted a little. 😶🌫
My dad was horrible, but actually I don’t have a lot of issues because of it. I just listen to you because I like how you take down the fash.
Good luck with the move!!!
Sometimes the only thing you can do is do the best you can with the knowledge you have, and remember that your past self did the same.
Also, that was probably the video that got me to seek out ASMR XD, cuz before then in didn’t particularly care for it. Cuz ik you did it as a joke but just cuz something’s a joke doesn’t mean someone can’t get sincerity through it. Idk if that made sense lol.
(And thus are the issues with parasociality lmao. With great power comes great responsibility etc. etc.)
Good to hear from you, Phil, and good luck with the move. Looking forward to more content when you’re ready.
FF Mystic Quest, certified hood classic
I live in Saint Paul. Minnesota is wonderful. I hope you enjoy it too.
Welcome to Minnesota, Phil ❤I hope things will be better for you and your family, and that you'll enjoy it here despite the snow 😂
Also, many comments already said it, but I really appreciate when creators look back at what they've made and compare it to their current standards like you did here. It means a lot.
I know it doesn't mean much coming from a random stranger, but I think it's always nice to say from time to time regardless: I'm proud of you! Not only Phil, but everybody reading this! I hope you have a great day, great week, great month, great year, and great life, and I'll be sending lots of love your way ❤Be kind to yourself, and keep being a great person!
wishing you the best with your move!!
kinda glad ASMR squicks me out because that video probably would've pulled on my heartstrings real hard after growing up with a total deadbeat. genuinely love your honesty here, and i can totally understand how surprising it must be to see just how common shitty dads are. bet there's lots you could say on that if you ever wanted to, haha!
Glad to have you up in Minnesota. I really enjoy the twin cities, we're glad to have you ❤
It's kind of good that you did it as a joke because otherwise it never would have been made in the first place, if you tried to do it sincerely you would have overthought it if you even tried to do it at all.
It actually only works as it is, I'm glad to hear you didn't delete it because it does help a lot of people (I've never seen it or even knew it existed but those who needed it did find it and that's what's so important)
The thing about life is it never goes how you expect and that's why radical acceptance and optimistic authenticity are so important, things will happen that you don't expect, want or even think should have ever happened at all but the only way to move on is to accept things the way they are so you can move forward and do the best you can!
Perfection is impossible except in doing the best you can do, because whatever your best is (and it changes from day to day) is the best you can do, and you literally can't do better than your best, and you're only doing your best when you have the most positive attitude about things you can (without compromising authenticity because that's how things become toxicly positive)
The best you can do is THE BEST YOU CAN DO and no more. So let life do it's thing and do your best to make others lives (and your own!!) easier!
Keep up the good work! And I mean that to everyone reading this, treat others the way you want to be treated but treat YOURSELF the same way! Because you are a person deserving of happiness just like anyone else and if you aren't your best then you can't help others! It's all a big feedback loop! Lol
This kinda got away from me, but yeah like I said treat others the way you want to be treated and treat yourself the same, and always remember the best you can do is LITERALLY THE BEST YOU CAN DO so don't let "perfection" be the enemy of "progress"
No one has all the answers, but we all do, together ☺️👌
Best of luck with the move... and I have to say it's nice to see someone show a little love for the much-maligned Mystic Quest.
The improvised pop filter kept me thinking Adibisi from Oz was sitting in front of you the whole time. (hears the theme tune...)
That Dang Dad, always modelling how we can be better + do better while being chill in the world.
Sorry to hear that you're leaving Kentucky (without me getting a chance to "bend an elbow" with you), but I hope that the move goes well and that things improve. As a long-time resident of the Louisville area, I totally recognize the concerns over the fascism in Frankfort (not to ignore that closer to home).
No matter how things are going, I like for things to improve for people.
Missed you too Phil. And I hope Minnesota treats you and your family well 💜
Nice! I grew up in Minnesota. I really love my home state. There are so many cool places to go and people to see there. Hope y'all settle in nicely!
Back when I first had my scrappy little music recording set up, I slapped a sock on my Shure. All the cool kids are doing it. Safe travels, Mr. Dad.
This was really interesting and good to hear, maybe especially as someone in a similar place to you (decent parents, and until relatively recently not as aware as I maybe should be just _what_ a rarity even clearing that low bar is). Hope the move goes well! I hear Minnesota is nice, and one of my favourite bands (Low, RIP Mimi Parker) is out of Duluth.
Don't usually comment but I saw that video when it came out and seem to be the sort of person your talking about. My first reaction was that it was a good natured joke then I found it surprisingly comforting. I didn't/don't need to see you as a role model for that. A lot of people with bad parents have to grow up fast including emotionally and hopeful are able to process those feeling appropriately. No need to feel guilty in my book. Thanks for thinking of us in the disfunction parents having club. P.s. Minnesota is definitely one of the better states, enjoy.
Good luck on the move! 💜
Really interesting and thought-provoking, Phil. I hadn't seen the vid you refer to but your swift example I enjoyed very much and I can see why ASMR is a thing! Re parental stuff and all: I (kinda accidentally, certainly short-term detrimentally!) just re-watched all 5 series of The Wire, which, for those who haven't seen it, is (still) an enjoyable MUST and wonderful in its examination of power relations and community organization and all of the kinds of things you talk about very inspiringly I think. I came to this vid from rewatching your super interesting, eloquent and well-argued last vid that refers to Puritanism as "the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy"- a quote I absolutely LOVE. Anyhow, thanks and I hope you get up and running rapidly in Minnesota and put out more content especially in the run up to next election etc... Hugs and love.
Wish you were moving back to California! Safe travels Phil father of Lil. Keep fighting the good fight brother!
Take this as you will, considering I'm not even a subscriber. The algorithm just has been recommending your videos and I've thought "these seem alright", without deciding if I like them enough to subscribe. Though now I feel like it would be rude not to.
Nobody's perfect, and there's an inevitability that some people will develop an unhealthy parasocial attachment, but imo the most respectable thing for a content creator to do is remember that and still try to be the best version of themselves they can be. Putting people on a pedestal is bad, but sometimes it's just nice to have someone you can look up to. In the modern era, it's easier than ever to break the rule of "never meet your heroes", but I think it's a noble goal to present as the kind of person you want to see in the world, even if you can't live up to it for every second of every day.
PS: Shoutout to my incredible mother and my very flawed father who sincerely tries his best, both of whom I love warts and all. How wholesome for a youtube comment.
A pre-emptive welcome to Minnesota!
Woot woot! That dang dad is moving to MN!
you're great and your content is great. hope the move goes smoothly. :)
It's okay to make a harmless joke that everybody takes seriously for the better. That's pretty much Bo Burnham's whole gig, I guess.
Regret is all i have left
Just like me fr
This video really reminds me of zefrank's lesser-known second channel, zefrankenfriends. He explores a lot of similar topics ranging from personal anxieties and worries to the 'mentor figure/audience' dynamic you mention here. I just find it to be a funny coincidence that a similarly calm and collected creator has so many parallels with the ideas you express here.
Ha, I had no idea zefrank had a second channel where he's out of character? that's amazing, i love that channel
Don't be afraid to embrace the impostor syndrome, it's something pretty much everyone born after 1970 struggles with. On the subject of parents, there are a couple of channels (The Click most frequently) that do reaction videos about r/InsaneParents. It can be a bit disturbing but it also really puts into perspective for me just how minor my own parents' faults have been, as well as how my best friend's horrible experiences were not all that unusual.
Somewhat relevant to what I'm going through at the moment. Right in the middle of getting my dad with dementia into a care facility. Been lots of fighting with my family over how they have been or rather not been handling it.
But yeah great video Phil glad you're doing well
Sometimes I want to create stuff, but I have my own anxieties about that kind of responsibility it entails. Every time someone tells me their young kid really looks up to me and they hope their kid grows up to be like me... 😬 for their sake, I sure hope not! It's a lot of responsibility for a guy who spends his free time eating oreos and playing katamari damacy :/
Awww, Kentucky will miss you. Louisville over here… transplant from AZ - which was an interesting culture shock.
Anyway, good luck on the move!
As my parasocial brother, please remember that what you make is art. And like all good artists (just like good therapists) you ARE putting something “created” into the world and despite any intentions to make “good” things, people will interpret through their own lenses. All you can do is exactly what you are presenting in this video: make with love and be willing to interrogate your own reasons and motives beyond that.
Love ya parasocial-bro.Your aren’t perfect. But you do make things that make me and others think and then act in the real world. That’s something.
I struggle with something similar. I was on the set of my first movie last year, and it was honestly wild to be on a campus where 150 people were working their assess off all day every day for a few months to make an idea I helped to conceive become a reality. I realized just how much power I wield as a person who makes things in the media space, and the responsibility felt really intimidating.
We live at a time when everyone and everything is expected to be all things to all people, especially in media, and it makes sense to have misgivings about inhabiting a role where you're very prominent in a lot of one-sided relationships. And those of us who have a contentious relationship with capitalism, and our participation in it, are right to feel weird about that.
But I also think many people, myself included, need to see men admitting vulnerability and insecurity and self-doubt. My father, who used to be a conservative evangelical pastor, is the prime suspect in an infamous murder at a seminary, and he was such an abusive bastard in my childhood. I feel like so much of the personal work I've done in adulthood is shoveling boomer straight white men's emotional shit for them because they're too cowardly and proud to take accountability even for small things, and it's exhausting, frustrating, and crazymaking that their behavior is normalized throughout society.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of good!
I’m here in the video 7:43 and just want to say that even though you think you don’t live up to it, you still show up…. You’re still out here being That Dang Dad and I gotta say… That’s more than my father ever did for me. I don’t see you in that light, but I imagine for some younger generations that have been through similar things to myself, that’s really all that matters. Fathers are not meant to be perfect human beings. They are meant to show up and be there. And somewhere along that path, we all figure out life together. Or at least… That’s what I take away from people that have decent relationships with their parents. And how newer parent generations are trying to be with their kids now. Just keep showing up. 🖤
I'm glad you care about this.
I think of you more as "dang" than "Dad".
I love it when I get a like on a comment from the creator, it's not like he just gives them to EVERYBODY!
something about the music for this one hit me with all the pokemon R/S/E nostalgia.
A warm welcome from Fargo, North Dakota! The Minneapolis of western Minnesota!
Welcome to Minnesota! We have some bad PDs, but the rest of the politics here are decent. And the weather is fantastic!
Aaaaayye, welcome back to the neighborhood!
You're a good person!
Upvote 789 =D
Also, it was actually rather validating to hear you offhandedly mention you still have anger issues you're working through. It helps, as someone who is going through that journey as well.
much much love to y'all! safe travels !❤❤❤
Welcome (soon) to MN! I hope you settle in well.
Oh hey, you're comin' to my neck of the woods! Neat!
Don't worry, that dang dad, I'm definitely older than you and even if my parents were pretty terrible, I not once thought of you as my surrogate dad. I just like the content!
i did not know of the other video but i think about this subject which is that content creators are somewhat like mini stars IMO so in a way they are gonna probably take on some of that para social stuff but have less protections on how to deal with it. Sadly I cannot imagine how many people have had poor parenting. it's probably so many. and yeah. idk what to say about it. ;/ it does suck.. but i don't think it's like a pressure you have to take on, whether you live up to that image or not?
MN is where I've been for a while! I definitely enjoy things like the local music scene out here a lot.
Also definitely a good place to find like minded folks for your leftist lean.
You can get big city areas, suburbs, nice nature stuff and a decent range of four seasons even if the winter part overstaua it's welcome and is pretty tough, especially coming from Kentucky and California before that.
Blink 182's most successful single was written as a joke. Jokes that are more sincere then the writer intended are meaningful.
Not me watching until the end to see if he was going to bring up the sock.
Love the use of the Mystic Quest music.
I hope you really like it here in MN!
Completely off topic, but your into/outro music REALLY made me want to go back and replay Alone in the Dark (the 1992 one, obviously)
You know, today that game looks goofy and janky as hell, but there's still a kind of eerie charm to the camera angles weird animations and stuff
@@ThatDangDad I kinda love it actually. Like honestly it would be way less creepy if you tried to remake it with "better" more realistic graphics.
If you saw CCK Philosophy's video "Explaining Deleuze with Drum Machines" this game would be a great example of that idea.
I admit, I felt immediate hurt. Mostly cause I heard your preview of what these shorts were like, and even in that tiny second I also was affected. Just the idea of my dad saying those things... Anyway lol I was hurt. But I completely understand and forgive you. We all make those comments, we all have those moments, and you clearly hadn't realized that you weren't all of us anymore, you were kind of a special few, whether you liked it or not. I forgive you Dad, and I'm sure you'll keep improving, and being amazing. And if not, I'll be here to tell you you're being a dick...
Your voice is so nice, I wanna hire you to read theory books so I can listen to them when I try to go to sleep haha
Anyway you're so right about how we only see one side of you and I've only known you through a computer but I've found you to be a person with great values who cares about others and I'm very grateful for your internet presence. And I know I'm very late to the party as per uszh but I hope the move went well!
Welcome to MN!
Gonna miss having ya in Kentucky, Phill, but here's to good things coming your way in Minnesota!
takes a lot of wisdom and humility to recognize and reject it when you found yourself already in that spot. cheera. lot of people wouldn't be able to resist that stroke to the ego and start justifying it like you can be the good one who's Helping. it'll always overtake good intentions because the toxicity is as much emergent from the relationship as imposed by the abuser it's the dynamic that is toxic. it's like they say you can't use the oppressors tools to build the revolution or whatever the expression is precisely.
RUclips dad is human!?! No way!!!
(Seriously though, you do great)
Thanks, Dad!
🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤
Much Love!
Thanks ❤
If you're passing through Cincinnati and feel the good vibes, it's me.
Yeah been missing u congratulations on the Move.
2:31 crush solidified. Daddy status confirmed. 😅❤
Good to see you brother, have a good rest of your day and a safe travel.
Yeah I haven't seen the earlier video and I'm really conflicted about whether to go watch it and make it weird, or pretend that it doesn't exist and maintain plausible deniability about my latest parasocial crush. (I have crushes on like 90% of left tube, I have a real weakness for people who believe in basic human rights)
@@JadeStone00 sorry it took so long to respond. I turned off notifications when it came to replies, because I got tired of being 'owned' by maga chuds who always pick me to totally wrekt. But anyways, yeah, I feel that for sure. I could name a few others I've developed parasocial crushes on. Jessie Gender was one, Caelin was another, until I alluded to my crushes in comment form on a video one time or another and got tuned out by the whole viewership audience and the creators themselves. That hurt, but such is life for me. It's odd and saddening because others can be fully thirsty, while being more popular and more attractive than me....and especially white. But me? I gotta keep it all to myself no matter where I am, or risk being flattened as just another chud or thirsty troll, even if it's just a compliment and then moving on to share my thoughts in agreement or partial agreement of the points mentioned in said videos. Smh It's complicated and I feel even worse because they have full right to believe I'm objectifying them. But when I get the silent sign that I'm not welcome, I know it's time for me to go. It makes me ashamed for trying to be authentic about my love for some on left tube...and yes, knowing they support treating people decently is definitely a plus.
Mystic Quest has such underrated music!
❤️❤️❤️
That Mystic Quest music. 🥹
Hope we get to hear you attempt a Great Lakes accent once you've had some time in Minnesota.
oh yah, you betcha
!!! I live in Minnesota!
:o I live in Minnesota!!
Welcome, we're better than Kentucky, at least politically lol.
Good luck with the move!
My 3 siblings live in MN and although they've suggested (not exactly invited) me to move up there too, after being used to the weather in NM, I'm not really anxious to plunge into 6-8 month winters. (The weather here is awesome.)
I can see why you want to leave where you're at, but MN seems kinda drastic.
Why you going there, Dang?
i think it’s okay for That Dang Dad to be a father figure, instead of Phil. if that makes sense. i think it’s okay for ppl to have curated, or even fictional father figures, and i think it’s okay for u to not feel the need to live up to that curated self as ur actual self
No regerts! - Someone's tattoo probably
I've not been seeing you as a surrogate dad, but you are a role model for how to approach the issue of toxic masculinity and I learn a lot about how to guide others. I learn a lot about how to BE a good dad from you, even though I'm not one
It's okay, Parasocial ASMR Dad. It's not your fault that a lot of people had really shit fathers.
My own is very image conscious, and that was part of the abuse I went through. A lot of people who have abusive parents understand the presentations people put out on social media aren't neccessarily who you are full time. It's also important for us leftists to be conscious of hero worship and how it's unrealistic to put that on people. It's okay to search for feelings of safety and acceptance in others, even if it's carefully curated on youtube Parasocial ASMR Dad, but Parasocial ASMR Dad is also a real person. Expecting Parasocial ASMR Dad to conform to your beliefs (like "keyboards have to be supertidy") isn't great. We can appreciate That Dang Dad, even if his keyboard is messy.
Parasocial ASMR Dad, I wanna thank you for being the you that you have been on the channel. And the you that you will be in future as the political landscape continues to evolve.
I do want to point out, Parental Alienation is a very specific term. Psychologists are looking into it to see if it's a thing, or just an abuse tactic (and by abuse tactic, this can be real {ie. there are enough stories out there of parents of either side using their kids in an ugly divorce; but also a claim made by abusers to discredit the other parent when there is already mistrust of the abusive parent due to abuse, neglect, addiction, unreliability etc}). The term I have most heard is Justified Parental Rejection (or Justified Rejection). I have been on this Justified Parental Rejection path for a long time, and I am now in a place where I'm having to decide if I want to end my relationship with my father (which is the better option for my physical, mental, emotional health and stress levels) or re-engage and hope he treats me better and changes his behaviour towards me (which is really, really risky as I literally have all these stress caused health issues and have nearly died from being too stressed).
Thanks for being a chill space I can come to, and also having some great content I can point people at for them to get why things are the way they are (and why many people are scared of the police as very paranoid agents of the state; especially for those of us who started out with abusive authority figures [ie. Bad Dads]).
It's not either/or! Obviously I don't know your situation and this advice may not work or may need major modifications to work for you, but you can have a distant relationship with your father, or a relationship only on your terms. You can email with him and only reply to the emails that are okay, and only when you are okay. You can call him and chat only when you have to leave for work in twenty minutes, and if he gets nasty or you get stressed, it might be a real short twenty minutes. You are not required to offer him the kind of relationship he would design for himself. You can offer him the kind of relationship that works for you, and if he would prefer something different, too bad, it's still the only one on offer.
Ok father