Conquer Self-Sabotaging Behaviors and Break Free From Unhealthy Relationship Cycles
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- Опубликовано: 21 авг 2024
- In this empowering and insightful RUclips live video, we will delve into the crucial topic of confronting toxic behaviors and embracing positivity for personal growth. Join us as we explore the steps to break free from negative patterns and heal from self-sabotaging behaviors.
This discussion is especially relevant for individuals (and families) on the path to addiction recovery, as breaking free from toxic traits and behaviors is a fundamental aspect of the healing journey. By confronting these destructive patterns and embracing positivity, we can pave the way for lasting change and a brighter future.
Join us for an enlightening conversation that will inspire you to rise above negativity, cultivate positive change, and embrace a life filled with growth and healing. Let's embark on this transformative journey together!
Don't forget to tune in to our RUclips live video and engage with us in the chat as we explore ways to confront toxic traits and heal from negative patterns. See you there!
⚠️These are educational videos, NOT therapy or advice specific to your situation.
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I’m so glad and grateful to have found your channel. Your professionalism and knowledge is sustaining.Even your voice and accent are comforting. May God continue to bless your power to heal
Me me and me
Years of frustration
I have turned into someone I don’t recognize or like
Gottman's
4 "horsemen" of relationships:
(1.) Criticism
(2.) Contempt (Parent-Child Superiority)
(3.) Defensiveness
(4.) Stonewalling (not communicating)
after trying to support and cheerio for over 30 months, I definitely have arrived to the contempt space. it hurts because I'm not a contemptuous person. but being manipulated, used and demeaned over and over again- I have no hope or believe anymore
there's a book i'm just starting to listen to called Balm; it's about keeping your sanity and peace while emotionally supporting your addicted loved one. it's deep.
I try to do a good job of communicating my wants and needs for the most part, but sometimes I'm afraid to because I don't know how the other person is going to react. I guess what I'm most afraid of is the other person getting mad or upset and/or putting me down and ridiculing me for having those wants and needs, or refusing and saying that my wants and needs are unreasonable. If I don't tell them, then I can have this fantasy that if they knew my wants and needs, they would be understanding and willing to cooperate. But then sometimes I also doubt myself and think maybe I'm afraid to communicate my wants and needs because they actually are unreasonable. In that case, I don't want to ask someone to meet my unreasonable wants and needs because I don't want to ask for too much or I don't want them to know that I desire unreasonable things because then they might look down on me for it or maybe they wouldn't want to be with me
i was an addict of meth for approximately 10 years my question is what should a person do when they're doing what they need to do to make the necessary changes to overcome and be successful when quitting drugs through treatment, counseling, and aftercare programs but the one person they love the most is there to constantly remind you of the mistakes and things you've done to hurt them or others around you. it almost seems like it's hopeless bc that person won't seem to let you be anyone else but an addict. does this behavior mean that there's no hope for that relationship and the damage is far too great for them to let go of the past and let you be the better person you're so desperately striving to be?!
??? My girlfriend is currently in treatment and she calls me every chance she gets. I’ve been binge watching your videos, so I’ve been speaking to her with as much empathy and kindness as I can. However, I’m still struggling with a lot of built up anger and resentment over how I’ve been treated, is my best option to just stay quiet over this? I want to at least kindly express that I’m struggling with these feelings but I feel guilty doing so.
Therapy.
Could you say if she still calls you? My boyfriend used to call me every single day whenever he could but then he stopped and eventually he came back as a different person he came worse off and decided to blocked me without saying a word… what happened I am shocked
I’m sorry to hear that. She did continue to call me throughout her stay of 2 months but I went through a similar experience when she got out. The first week it was great seeing her sober but I could tell something was off and she eventually told me she didn’t think she could continue being in a relationship and that she needed to focus on her sobriety, which I understood and gave her space. She ended up coming back around in less than a week but I wasn’t counting on it. It was shocking when it happened but I stayed cool. If you really think about what they are going thru it’s understandable, especially if the whole relationship they were in addiction. I know it’s unfair but newly sober people usually aren’t in the best emotional state to handle the stress that can come with relationships, add the guilt, trauma and shame and it can be too much. My only advice would to take care of yourself, I’m sure you’ve been thru hell and back dealing with this stuff. Don’t put pressure on them but let them know you’re there to support them and that you’re just glad they were able to get sober, down the line they might remember that if they decide they want to come back around. Who knows you might not even want to get back in a relationship with them at that point. Anyways, sorry to hear you’re dealing with that I know how you feel it’s tough and really unfair.
@@cdc6294 thank you for your answer and yes it was a nightmare. Seems like your girlfriend was way more reasonable and at least she could communicate clearly cause my ex just discarded me without saying anything. No closure no clarity nothing
And I was like okay what have I done that suddenly he blocked me?
I am much younger than him and also he was saying I was too beautiful for him and too good to be true… I’ve been waiting for him for 3 months my life has been put on hold, I never understood why ye started hurting me so much during his rehab, blocking me giving me silent treatment…
I dropped contact for a while cause he couldn’t talk with people outside rehab the. He started messaging me first when he was going back home everything was ok
He got back he was always saying that I could call him now I could come to see him but only if I wanted he never said he wanted to see me…
Then he just started ignoring my texts and till he blocked me completely everywhere…
I must say that he is also dealing with ptsd anxiety and some other mental disorders
And it’s been now over 2 months he still hasn’t contacted me yet and even posted a pic of HIS NEW LOVE a girl clearly looking like a teenager, he is 42 yo and I am 31…
And she is much younger for sure snd looks like another junkie
I mean where did he meet her if he was always staying with his father and brother and honestly not trying to be mean or offensive but he downgraded so much
From a loving and supportive woman who was waiting around for him to a girl in her 20 who we don’t even know who she is…
He’s a massive red flag maybe he’s been to rehab but so what if he can’t even maintain a healthy relationship and punishes me for his lack of accountability…
Using the “soften” the super avoider by lessening your pursuit of interaction does NOT always work. He loves the distance. I’m leaving to save my soul 😌
I think there are elements of “all of the above” in many situations.
In our case, alcohol abuse was a factor, but so was the attachment styles. Amber’s videos helped me make changes, but to succeed it’s take both people.
My girl was nice & friendly, but detached, alcohol affected, and wasn’t sincere.
I’ve tried communicating my needs but nothing changes. That contributed to me becoming resentful and distancing.
I think that We all should stop labeling people based on opinions and false information . If your hearing and saying narcissist all day, your going to hyper focus and easily see those traits in everyone everywhere,. I call myself out on my own crap, I have had failed relationship after failed relationship and honestly, I am the common denominator so I AM THE PROBLEM . If everyone would just stop focusing on our negatives and stop trying to change OTHER people and focus on what we have developed habits of bad behavior and bad communication and being offended by every little thing. We are all guilty of narcissistic characteristics. Society as a whole is all about ourselves, selfish, greedy, and became victims of ourselves and projecting our insecurities. So Im working on not focusing on the bad or labels, im focusing on not being a POS human. I cant blame anyone for my failures or miatakes or struggles because I made poor choices, I did bad things, I took the easy wrong road and its on me to fix me not anyone else. I have to love myself before i love another person and I am not even there yet.
Wow! I love your willingness to take full accountability. Very impressive!
@@PutTheShovelDown thank you. I wish my addicted spouse would catch on to this but if I am actively working on myself, he will eventually start doing the work. I do not expect perfection, perfect does not exist, I just want him to attempt to take accpuntability for what he has done to our family and himself. Progress and actively trying is all I hope for. He was injured and got dependent on his pain medication and was forced to quit cold turkey when cut off, did not realize he had an addiction until withdrawl unlike the rest of us, we all knew and I take responsibility for enabling him. His moods would be unpredictable and hed become so angry withput them that I helped get them for him. So his issues are partly my fault but about a month ago I decided I love him too much to continue to contribute to his downfall and wont help him get them again. So I am to blame also, and I accept that and I sadly own up to it. He takes my ability to admit my part as its COMPLETELY my fault, which it is not.
Kudos to you Amber 👏 🙌 👍 👌 😀
My go-to bad guy Role is Overfunctioning
Better communication and connection:
Do not try to communicate when you're triggered. Go to bed mad. Self-regulate first. Join Invisible Intervention to learn how to create a safe environment for your relationship. "If you want to be understood, seek to understand (empathize) first." Use reflective listening with unreasonable people. Validate and table the conversation.
Spot on as usual,!
Attachment:
(1.) Pursue (Anxious) (Critical)(Obsession)(Overly Dependent)
(2.) Withdrawal (Avoidant)(Overly Independent)
Great video! Thank you😇
Thanks! So glad you liked it 😁
Very good questions: how to know what to do when the drinking is unpredictable how to plan .. and the defensive side to asking for your needs to be met
So true...I feel like that word is thrown around so badly 🤔
I’m familiar with the 4 horseman of the (relationship) apocalypse. Gottman lists them with such finality, like if they’re present, you’re on a one-way road to divorce. Is that true? What do you do if you notice these signs other than buckle up for the end?
If you're aware they're happening the first step is to try to stop the pattern.
Self-Sabotaging Disconnect:
(1.) Overfunctioning (Criticism) (Resentment)(Parent/Perfectionist/Boss Role)
(2.) Underfunctioning (Child Role)
You're such a great note-taker! 🤩🤩🤩
I agree with the self care aspect. I am going to get a referral for a therapist that specializes in ADHD, autism, and unhealed trauma. I made a blog post for after I have been in therapy for all those. I probably have some unhealed trauma of my own, cause I was neglected for a time when I was a baby. Up until I was put in foster care and then adopted back into the family I was born into. And then I found out about what happened years later. So I probably have some abandonment issues that I need to address.
I have always wound up liking guys who don’t like me back. So I want to find out why by working on myself.
what about co-conditions that run alongside an addiction? which should be addressed first?
Does it have to specifically be that you "grew up" with injustice and having to live with a persistent sense of unfairness? Admittedly, I'm a person who's become persistently angry at all times; I'm always on edge, always irritable, always impatient, always overly stressed. However, I haven't always been this way. In fact, I was a very naively optimistic and enthusiastic person (prime picking for abuse!), everything rolled off my back and I was always extremely idealistic and prone to naturally look for the silver lining in any situation. I am able to trace the origins of my transition to anger back to living under the influence of exploitative injustice, but it wasn't my childhood, it was my abusive marriage.
Im there too. I had a crummy childhood, but spent a lot it time working on myself and had many healthy relationship. I was happy, motivated, and felt a sense of purpose. I loved life. I liked myself pretty well. I had no idea this could happen. It happens slow and we don’t know what’s happening and so it’s hard to define and know what to ask for help on. It’s been the worst experience of my life. I feel I have regressed back to a scared and angry 14 year old.
💁🏽♀️💯👍🏾
Hey Amber great video I have a question so on trying to have a conversation with my husband about his addiction he says I change when he's using.which I do I automatically now put my guard up because I know he is going to change while he's using (how do I try and relax and concentrate on myself rather than what he's doing or saying)
One ups man ship. No matter what I say, very simple statements non blaming, he wants to disagree with me. Rather than try to see why my comment means the same as they want to say another way, I get challenged and cut off saying we do not see anything the same. Over time communication becomes less and less because do not understand each other at all...him passive, ADHD, alcohol. Me ..want to have a voice in some of the projects around the house. Neurological brain. Where can. We find common ground? Empathy/wanting to listen better to other so do not get in these unnecessary conflicts all day long if we are near each other
I leave the house trashed
Hey 👋 is it just me or are you losing weight 😊 ❤