This was such an honest, raw video. I struggle a lot with the fact that I've often (mostly) just wanted a cis body. It feels like there's a pressure nowadays to disavow dysphoria entirely (and I get why--it's wonderful to want to help people *not* feel bad about their bodies by normalizing difference, etc), but for me dysphoria is a huge and ongoing part of my trans experience. This is a big reason why, I think, I actually don't write a lot of trans male characters. I've been told by friends and CPs before that I should and felt pressure to, and I probably will write a trans male MC someday, but for me my transness enters my characters in different ways. I grew up freeform roleplaying with two of my childhood/teenage best friends and being able to play cis male characters was so freeing for me. It was absolutely both an escape from my body and a way for me to explore my gender identity. My fictional, written characters are, I think, fulfilling a similar role in way. It's frustrating, because so much support for trans writers is focused only on those of us who write trans protagonists (and that's obviously important and awesome), but I can't help but feel like if the support is intended for real trans people who exist in the world, it should also extend to trans (and queer) writers who don't. There's no right or wrong way to be trans, and thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. So much of what you said here resonated.
Holy crap.... I'm on the verge of tears in Walmart right now. I'm only in a couple of months from cracking open my MtF journey. Thank you so much for making this. It's exactly how I feel. I just want this all to go away. I want to go back to being happy as a MaB. And I think I really was. I used my wife of over 10 years and my 4 kids as an anchor and loved that life. I just don't think it's possible to go back... I must speak with her and get help together. I could speak for much longer on this but I wanted to keep this brief. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Exactly! I feel exactly the same way! So much so that I have just convinced myself that I am fine in the female body and never went through the transition because I just can't deal with it. To be honest my dysphoria really isn't that terrible, or I am just used to it, it's ways sort of the same level and it rarely spikes. I have had a period when it spiked few months ago, I just felt depressed all the time because I felt like there is no way out. I feel like transition wouldn't really fix any of my problems, it would just add more of them. So I am in this weird limbo. Also what you have said about internalized transphobia or homophobia, I might have problems with that too, because I can't see myself in any type of queer role, I see myself as the most stereotypical man and have mostly same dreams (wife, kids, normal life) and can't seem to fit with the other trans people. So anyway yeah... I feel you. I know how you feel, I feel the same way. And have also had hard time accepting that I was trans, and am still too ashamed to come out to anyone. Maybe because I feel like in my case it really is a choice, if I was suffering more maybe my thinking would be clearer. Pain sort of makes it simple- either you do whatever is necessary for it to stop or you keep suffering. Maybe I even need for my symptoms and condition to be terrible so I can justify transition to myself (actually to others), because who would do such a radical thing if they weren't on the verge of death. I still can't see transition as not radical move. Anyway, that's my position. Would love to chat more if you like. Maybe through some different media. I am under my real name on IG and no one knows I am trans so it is a little bit tricky.
Thank you for sharing! I felt the same way when I was pursuing transition, it was confusing and frustrating at the same time wondering if I was making it all up because other people had it worse. I think it comes down to the individual and what you’re needs are for you. Once I was on this crazy train I couldn’t seem to stop it. I’m always happy to chat my friend :) you’re welcome to DM me on Instagram anytime 😊
@@KrisSpeaking i always feel amazed how most of you guys seem to figure out what you want and start transitioning within 3 years max, and I am sitting and ruminating for last 8 years and haven't been able to make my decision... it probably isn't for me if I can't find the courage to do it. I am happy to chat, I will hit you up on IG :)
Im a trans guy, rn i really, really don’t want to be trans, i felt this way at the beginning of my journey. I recently joined theater for the first time. Ive had a lot of fun, met a lot of new, amazing people. I have a dressing rehearsal soon, requiring Plain white shirts to be worn. It’s so damn simple, so simple. But it isn’t at the same time. I have a binder that still reveals a good bit of my chest (lgbtunicorns) and i wear hoodies to layer and cover my chest. Im worried im gonna have to drop out of the play, because there’s no way im gonna show up to my school, surrounded by deeply homophobic/transphobic peers, and stand on stage at practice with the body of a girl. I feel like nothing is going to help me.
I think we are all in the same boat 😩. We are uncomfortable with everything because we can't achieve what we desire, that is to be a cis person of our inner gender 😢.
I am really unsure if i am a transguy or a girl.. the thing is i feel like i am not uncomfortable enough in my body to be trans ? And i dont wanna be trans.. i wish i would just be cis male or at least my mind be fine with being in a female body.... idk i feel so sensitive whenever this topic starts and even tho i already have a supporting bestie i feel like i al transphobic to myself... and i am scared that transitioning will be hard and i have always been told i am pretty and stuff and ik it sounds weird but what if i waste my female looks and what if i wouldnt even be pretty at all as a male? Like maybe thats a dumb concern but idkkkk
@@usoppsan7435 uh i am avoiding my feelings bc they are confusing, so nothing new 😭 my fam and school are keeping me busy enough- even tho i feel a lil reassured abt being trans but idkkk
@@cloudstattoos2338 that is cool, my friend reassured me in some ways telling me that "trans" is just an adjective. You can be just like a cis man, just that you're trans. Once you do a transition no one could know you're trans, they'll just see a cool man
This was such an honest, raw video. I struggle a lot with the fact that I've often (mostly) just wanted a cis body. It feels like there's a pressure nowadays to disavow dysphoria entirely (and I get why--it's wonderful to want to help people *not* feel bad about their bodies by normalizing difference, etc), but for me dysphoria is a huge and ongoing part of my trans experience. This is a big reason why, I think, I actually don't write a lot of trans male characters. I've been told by friends and CPs before that I should and felt pressure to, and I probably will write a trans male MC someday, but for me my transness enters my characters in different ways.
I grew up freeform roleplaying with two of my childhood/teenage best friends and being able to play cis male characters was so freeing for me. It was absolutely both an escape from my body and a way for me to explore my gender identity. My fictional, written characters are, I think, fulfilling a similar role in way. It's frustrating, because so much support for trans writers is focused only on those of us who write trans protagonists (and that's obviously important and awesome), but I can't help but feel like if the support is intended for real trans people who exist in the world, it should also extend to trans (and queer) writers who don't.
There's no right or wrong way to be trans, and thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. So much of what you said here resonated.
Holy crap.... I'm on the verge of tears in Walmart right now. I'm only in a couple of months from cracking open my MtF journey.
Thank you so much for making this. It's exactly how I feel. I just want this all to go away. I want to go back to being happy as a MaB. And I think I really was. I used my wife of over 10 years and my 4 kids as an anchor and loved that life. I just don't think it's possible to go back... I must speak with her and get help together. I could speak for much longer on this but I wanted to keep this brief. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Exactly! I feel exactly the same way! So much so that I have just convinced myself that I am fine in the female body and never went through the transition because I just can't deal with it. To be honest my dysphoria really isn't that terrible, or I am just used to it, it's ways sort of the same level and it rarely spikes. I have had a period when it spiked few months ago, I just felt depressed all the time because I felt like there is no way out. I feel like transition wouldn't really fix any of my problems, it would just add more of them. So I am in this weird limbo. Also what you have said about internalized transphobia or homophobia, I might have problems with that too, because I can't see myself in any type of queer role, I see myself as the most stereotypical man and have mostly same dreams (wife, kids, normal life) and can't seem to fit with the other trans people. So anyway yeah... I feel you. I know how you feel, I feel the same way. And have also had hard time accepting that I was trans, and am still too ashamed to come out to anyone. Maybe because I feel like in my case it really is a choice, if I was suffering more maybe my thinking would be clearer. Pain sort of makes it simple- either you do whatever is necessary for it to stop or you keep suffering. Maybe I even need for my symptoms and condition to be terrible so I can justify transition to myself (actually to others), because who would do such a radical thing if they weren't on the verge of death. I still can't see transition as not radical move. Anyway, that's my position. Would love to chat more if you like. Maybe through some different media. I am under my real name on IG and no one knows I am trans so it is a little bit tricky.
Thank you for sharing!
I felt the same way when I was pursuing transition, it was confusing and frustrating at the same time wondering if I was making it all up because other people had it worse.
I think it comes down to the individual and what you’re needs are for you. Once I was on this crazy train I couldn’t seem to stop it.
I’m always happy to chat my friend :) you’re welcome to DM me on Instagram anytime 😊
@@KrisSpeaking i always feel amazed how most of you guys seem to figure out what you want and start transitioning within 3 years max, and I am sitting and ruminating for last 8 years and haven't been able to make my decision... it probably isn't for me if I can't find the courage to do it. I am happy to chat, I will hit you up on IG :)
Im a trans guy, rn i really, really don’t want to be trans, i felt this way at the beginning of my journey. I recently joined theater for the first time. Ive had a lot of fun, met a lot of new, amazing people. I have a dressing rehearsal soon, requiring Plain white shirts to be worn. It’s so damn simple, so simple. But it isn’t at the same time. I have a binder that still reveals a good bit of my chest (lgbtunicorns) and i wear hoodies to layer and cover my chest. Im worried im gonna have to drop out of the play, because there’s no way im gonna show up to my school, surrounded by deeply homophobic/transphobic peers, and stand on stage at practice with the body of a girl. I feel like nothing is going to help me.
I think we are all in the same boat 😩. We are uncomfortable with everything because we can't achieve what we desire, that is to be a cis person of our inner gender 😢.
I am really unsure if i am a transguy or a girl.. the thing is i feel like i am not uncomfortable enough in my body to be trans ? And i dont wanna be trans.. i wish i would just be cis male or at least my mind be fine with being in a female body.... idk i feel so sensitive whenever this topic starts and even tho i already have a supporting bestie i feel like i al transphobic to myself... and i am scared that transitioning will be hard and i have always been told i am pretty and stuff and ik it sounds weird but what if i waste my female looks and what if i wouldnt even be pretty at all as a male? Like maybe thats a dumb concern but idkkkk
Damn I feel exactly the same, what's new now on your feelings now?
@@usoppsan7435 uh i am avoiding my feelings bc they are confusing, so nothing new 😭 my fam and school are keeping me busy enough- even tho i feel a lil reassured abt being trans but idkkk
@@cloudstattoos2338 that is cool, my friend reassured me in some ways telling me that "trans" is just an adjective. You can be just like a cis man, just that you're trans. Once you do a transition no one could know you're trans, they'll just see a cool man
@@usoppsan7435 i mean i am still confused but thanks C: also love ur pfp xD