If You Grew Up Feeling Invisible
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- Опубликовано: 1 окт 2023
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WHO AM I:
I'm a clinical psychologist. I am here to share insights from therapy and psychology research so that you can make use of it in your daily life to understand how your mind works and optimise your own mental health. I cover all things from confidence and motivation to mood and anxiety. I look forward to chatting with you in the comments.
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Can we get a video on how to deal with self harming thought’s because I dealt with this
@@LillieIRISyea I would also like that
How do u heal this
Oh, and Dr. Julie could you also do a video on how to come past thoughts of suicide?
Nice sharing this shot. It has helped improve my channel
The worst is when you have both.
You avoid people because you feel you have nothing to offer except wasting their time but when you are with people, you do everything they want because you want to be seen as a valued friend
It's exhausting...
This
Yes
yess
Yess
Can we get a video on how to deal with both of these? Because this hit toooo close to home.
Yes please !!!
I hope we do. That'd be amazing
yes please, I somehow feel like both of these at the same time
Oh yes please it would be so helpful 🙏
I was just asking the same & delete my question.
I try not being involved because i feel uninvited everytime
Me too
I've felt this since I was a child. I'm so lonely and at times I feel like my heart is broken and it has been for a very long time.
😢
Many philosophers have said we are lucky if we have one or two close true friends.
Just take time and find a few
Although I don't know you., please know that I care. I completely understand. Right now I have no friends, by choice. I've been through way too much in my life, and I am actually truly enjoying my peace and solitude, while I heal from a lifetime of horrific trauma. I wish you all the best. Remember, you do whatever it is you want to do, or not! It's your own life, don't you ever allow anyone at all to try to invade your own personal space with their annoying presence, or their toxic traits, ridiculous drama, etc.
It's so not worth wasting any of your own precious time.❤
I feel like I got both criteria
omg, me too. I either people please very hard or don't connect that deeply at all, because I don't want to disturb others. Or be a burden on them. I feel like my true self won't be accepted anywhere really. I don't accept myself, so I should definitely work on that. I was always someone who didn't do their own things in groups, but instead do what I think someone else would like. But I do wanna do my own stuff which fullfills me. I'm such a hanger-on, but don't want to be. I just don't know how to stop it.
Same.
Same, here 😅
And when you don't connect, some tell you stop trying and learn to be good alone with yourself. But God made us to be social people...not to be alone, but being a loner or introvert is so much a trend now everyone wants to be alone, even those that were popular in school all of a sudden.
Same here
The worst is when you avoid people and then you finally find someone, connect with them and then they find someone else.
yep, you feel like a placeholder, like people can only tolerate to talk to you when they don't have anyone else but as soon as someone else appears you no longer serve a purpose
Worse after you've married them! 😅 I can laugh about it now.
This is so true
Truth. I kinda felt like in some of my situations if people couldn't use me or use some sort of hidden agenda they didn't want to be bothered.
They find their romantic partners and then we are left alone
Sometimes, people or yourself treat you in such a way that you feel guilty even for breathing and existing...
I definitely was constantly treated like I was invisible and the only time I was acknowledged was to be reminded I was in the way, so that could definitely explain why I'm used to pulling away and being fine with the absence of ppl. I'm so used to no one ever staying around ever. Not family, not my parents, not my friends... So I do the same in relationships.
I was a people pleaser that got burnt-out and now I've pushed my friends and family away because I'M DONE dealing with it all. I want closeness. I want friendship. I'm just too tired for any of it. At 30, that's a really rough spot to be in.
Been there. It's because with people pleasing and always being there for others, being the steady rock, the empathic one, without requiring reciprocation, we neglect and abandon ourselves over and over. And therefore we allow others to do it so then you feel drained, exhausted, disappointed, let down. Then comes the resentment that others have not given you what you've given them. That they don't care the way you've cared. So then you're in such a negative state that the only thing that gives relief from all that is distance. Keeping everyone away from you, no more access. Funny how some of these same people start reaching out after some time has passed because they realize what you were for them. But by that time it's too late. If you didn't appreciate my positive, consistent presence, took it for granted, then why the eff would I care that you noticed my absence?? People are annoying.
Same
@@Darima2i can relate completely with that feeling, but i do want to raise som points i think are important to remember, especially when it's hard
Many times when people pleasing we tend to conceal and hide our emotions and struggles. The result is that people don't know that we are in need of help and support. That can lead to the feeling of not being noticed, loved or cared for, because you noticed without them telling you, so why can't they? But they haven't been hiding their needs, wich made it easier to notice. And after you disappear it's the first real sign they might have that something is wrong.
I'm not trying to diss your experience, and that doesn't apply for every scenario. But it is somthing i found helpful to keep in mind
You are not alone. Going through something very similar at 31.
I'm 28 and just reached my breakingpoint aswell. Feeling very tired and left alone all the time. While the constant pressure to keep up with the standard of being nice, helpful, being the anchor, so on.. And people just don't get it that im the one who need compassion now not scolding to get it together and being a "burden" . There is no option for us I have to stay calm, collected all the time to reduce the stress and discomfort others create around them and I just have to put up with it otherwise when I lash out just once from tiredness they take it so bad and it escalates their disaster adding in mine now. And they make it seem like its our fault because of the change in patience and mood... hopeless
I have both. I'm working on trying open up while not depend so much on others acceptance of me. It's very hard.
❤
I feel you, you are not alone
I stopped opening up and trying...it's gotten me hurt or used when I have.
@@Gunslinger_Disciple - I understand exactly how you feel man. I stepped away from others, and now think that belonging is impossible. I still endeavor.
I'm trying everything I can think of, and no community of people sticks around anymore nor any people from each community group I'm trying to belong to.
I think people like us should stick together because we truly know what loneliness is like for us.
There are days when I feel like not one single human individual understands me. Not family or anyone else for that matter. An empty void is all there is as a best friend.
Same
I grace myself with my absence. People stress me out. I love the serenity of being alone.
I’m sorry you all struggle with this but I’m also so glad that I’m not alone .so much love to you all. ❤
❤
💜🙏
Amen 🙏 ❤ Much love to you too🙏❤️
Alone usually so.....
I went from a people pleaser, to isolation. The effort and anxiety of maintaining relationships was way too much to handle
Same both wow
I am exactly the same. As a child I was ignored all the time. My parents paid attention to me only when they criticized/shamed/yelled at me. I am almost 40 and I struggle with connecting with people. I went no contact with good friends, which I regret immensely .
Me too
@@evilsensei8262 if you regret it, take little steps to repair it. if they're good friends they'll understand, be patient and give you help if you ask for it, then when you feel ready you can explain if you want to. it's awful that your parents did that but that's their behaviour, nothing you did as a child. it could even be as little as a phone call every 2 weeks, whatever is comfortable for you. big hug.
I totally have the same situation. It seems like isolation is better choice because it doesn’t take energy from you
wow i feel called out. i have both and combine that with social anxiety. it's literally the worst thing ever-you can't connect with anyone even though you want to.
At least you’re not alone. I am in your exact same situation. I don’t even play online games because speaking to people is difficult. I don’t communicate with anyone through voice if I don’t have to. I speak through text. I just type out something on my phone and hand it to the other person. People are way more understanding and helpful than I thought they would be.
All my childhood and teenage friends are gone. Even my work friends. I started getting worried when my extended family (Aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings) disappeared after my Husband and Mother died. It's like I died with them. Nobody pounded down the door to see if I was okay or even showed concern when I was in the hospital. I've given up trying to connect, even online. But, the dramas are also gone, too... and I really needed the peace of mind because it was just too exhausting.
@@Technicallyaddictedif I play video games I usually play the ones that you can play alone so then no one will talk to me
@@novreetosdoritos you’re talking to a huge fan of cyberpunk 2077. I totally understand.
@@CheriMichaels734 that’s actually a solid strategy, but beware of loneliness. It’s like a sandpaper slowly smoothing your brain over. Eventually it will do damage to your mental health. For context it took about 7 years for loneliness and isolation to take a noticeable toll on my mental health. Save yourself from this. This is not a fate you want.
I've just realised this now... I've been people pleasing all my life. I've always tried to be enough for other people, never for myself
You've been helping me in ways you cannot imagine. Thank you so much.
You're the only RUclipsr I've seen that truly seems to understand depression.
Dr. Scott Eilers is great too. He suffered with anxiety and depression himself too.
@@stephaniem2743 Thanks I'll checked him out.
Is this depression?
@@josiasjum6325depression, anxiety, childhood trauma, childhood neglect, etc.
I agree
How the hell can a short video like this leave me in tears in just a few seconds because someone suddenly appeared and put words to why my relationships are so complicated? I people please to woo people, then I get overwhelmed and withdraw because I think that they're better off without me.
As someone said above: if you have any advice on how to deal with this (aside from actually seeing a therapist), please do share it in a video!
I hope you are doing alright
I'm the same and have been seeing a therapist since the beginning of this year.
Still don't have a clue 🙃
I guess you have to become aware of how you function, try and figure out why and then work on it.
Start with self-loving activities. Find small things that you enjoy doing. Treat yourself on a spa day, learn to play the instrument you've always wanted to play, whatever it is, just do it for you. If you need to hear it: You are good, worthy, enough. ❤❤❤
Same
I decided to just embrace #2 and give up on people. I’m much happier.
dang.. everything she said really hit me on the spot.
God. This is so painful but so true. It breaks my heart to know that I am suffering this so much and came to a term where I just accepted it.
And in gracing people with my absence, I learned how to nourish myself, I learned that I really enjoy my own company, & I learned that my presence is a gift that people need to earn because, yes, I really am that awesome. ❤
Yes, some people did go out of their way to connect with me. It was mostly them, I couldn't pursue a friendship to save my life. Those people made it very clear they wanted me and I am very grateful to them.
I'm around you. I'm getting close to this mentality
I used to feel pretty invisible during my childhood, nobody really listened.
So now when I'm hanging out with friends or at family gatherings I'm just quiet. Whenever I do wanna talk or join a conversation, I cant because I'm too timid and quiet. I can try and talk but no-one will pay me any mind.
I understand. Try one on one then a small group 2-4 with people you trust. We don’t have to be great at bigger groups but it’s good to find our voice. When we think that no one values us or our opinion that reflects back to us in life. We are as equally valuable as everyone else so try working on knowing and believing that with every interaction. You’ll be amazed 😊
That’s exactly how I feel! I’ll talk here and there but only if it’s quiet enough for people to hear what I have to say because I’m soft spoken.
@@frugalisticFD💖
You Absolutely nailed my whole life , I'm 62 yrs old and you just touched my heart. I have both the illnesses SEVERLY .
I'm crying right now because this is what I actually feel. What worse is that the people you expect to understand you most knows what you feel yet refuse to actually believe it and will take advantage of you.
Now I feel guilt that I'm basically doing the same as narcissisticly ghosting people. But sincerely I AM NOT!! I just can't face people knowing I'll overshare, or dry up, or misread situations. If I successfully interact it's by accident almost. I don't know how to replicate that.
Oh, yes! Hence I rather have few close friends I can overshare to, safe, trusted people. And keep anyone other distant, so I don't need to worry as much. But still being crap in anything social, even with them, not being able to read the reactions, expressions and going for safer options (like they seemed annoyed, I must be bothering them and should shut up), too cowardly, too afraid to ask, when there's possibility they could confirm I'm too much. I was able to copy their social behaviour until pandemic hit, then everyone was closed at home and found stuff to do. Or found love, started family, got busier with life, job, whatever. I don't wanna be a bother. And now I cannot even talk to them anymore, I need to watch them more to replicate, but there's no time for meetings and I feel like a burden, everyone's life moved on in some way. With losing others I'm fine, I could survive that. But with some I'd love to stay in contact, just don't know how.
You may want to look into ASD.
Same , i might try my absolute hardest to approach smone but i just dont knw wht to even say after my name ur name ect and the convo just becomes dry
I've been ghosted so as a people pleaser I know how it feels but I'm also an avoider, so i make convincing excuses and make everyone think I'm fine and dandy so they don't give me a single thought. Usually works.
That being said, I don't know how to respond to "How are you"🤣
U know I'm starting to think it the psychological warfare tactics working on us. Seriously. Humans never had to force life it just worked.
I do tend to avoid people but when I HAVE TO be with people I tend to be a people pleaser
I'm learning not to and to be myself, thanks to therapy, it's worth it
how?
@@aprillsunthorsce5220 what do you mean by how ?
how you cope up of it? what did the therapy advice you ?
@@aprillsunthorsce5220 therapy helps you to learn that you have the right to be yourself. It's not just one thing you learn and then you're okay. Most of the time we act like this because of education, traumas... And so our brain learns that you have to please people to avoid troubles... So what you do in therapy is process all the traumas, learn what causes you to be this way and then help your brain to learn the right way to react. Most of the time therapist use some technics like EMDR do "deprogram/reprogram" your brain
(I'm not a therapist but if you wanna know more about it, the best way is to ask a professional)
Hope this helps 🙂
A few years ago I began to decide to step aside instead of trying and trying for my mental health and stop thinking about non-reciprocal relationships. And it only showed me that I was not wrong, but now it doesn't make me sad or stressed.
I struggled with this for years. I could barely look people in the eye when talking to them. Eventually, i just gave up and started not caring what people thought of me. because at the end of the day, they don't care. They just see you as another normal person getting through life. I stopped going out my way to please people who most of the time wouldn't do the same for me. Of course I keep my manners in check and I am never rude but i focused on myself for a while and did what I wanted to do. It was a breath of fresh air. I'm much happier. I'm able to interact better and I feel more assertive and able to say no to things.
I’ve been invisible for 56 years. It always felt safer as an adult to stay that way.
YES!
Heard.
I'm only 20 and I feel the same wau
@@PinwheelsystemI’m sorry. 😞
❤
I grace people with my absence.. thanks Dad
😂😂😂😂😂 ooof ... Right in the guts of my guts. If I wasn't crying i'd be lol rn xd
Like father like son? 😂 Bad joke i know
Humor is the best coping mechanism. 😅
That is such a great wording
I was both but now trying to stop people pleasing because I noticed that no one would do things to please me. No one will inconvenience themselves for me.
Thank you!
Wow. That just slapped me in the face most unexpectedly
I’m no longer a ppl pleaser & if ppl don’t want my company they will find my absence - but loving myself and my serenity ❤
If I don’t text or ring people and then I never hear from them it only confirms the belief that they weren’t that bothered about me anyway.
they could be thinking the same thing about the fact that you haven't contacted them too. self-fulfilling prophecy.
I have a mix of this depending on the situation. I never felt supported by my own family in my choices. I never realised my behaviour came forward out of this.
Transcript, because I love the way Julie puts this and I've been struggling to describe this effectively to others about how the world occurs for me and why...
"If you grew up feeling you were invisible or believing you were a burden I'm a psychologist and here are two common ways that could impact you as an adult.
You either people please your way through every interaction with that sense you need to earn your right to be present,
OR
you grace people with your absence. So you don't call, and you don't stay and chat because in your mind, nobody really wants to put up with you.
Now both of these carry a deep cost.
For the people pleaser you live with the anxiety of constantly trying so hard to be enough.
And for the other, your tendency to step back from people makes it hard to ever truly connect with anyone."
How can I feel both at the same time? 😭
You’re not alone 🤍🙏🏽
Same
Same! I feel like I alternate between the 2
Because you people-please when you think the people are worth the exhaustion, or if you can’t get out of spending time with people. You fear the consequences of failing, either way. I know. Me too.
Because they stem from the exact same root feeling. Scroll the comments we ALL have said both. I thought i was weird too for a sec, then comment after comment till i saw yours, and they all said the same damn thing.
Nothing describes my social life better than this does
You are speaking directly to my heart every time i see your shorts. The costs in my life have been and contunue to be, enormous... another Julie
i feel called out, but in a good way...
I just spend all my time alone 😭😭
me too but don't cry
Bless you ❤
me too but entirely by choice. energy is limited. rather not spread it everywhere. and when i do go out i spend it all quickly.
And you’re probably better off for it.👍🏻😘
@@TucoDog-ho6fwyou know we’re a social species right?
…and surely don’t know this chap’s life circumstances and what’s meaningful and fulfilling for them. . .
No- wait that actually makes sense, fr she's very realistic here. In school whenever i interact with people i always try to give them my 100% attention and reply to them as much as i can and just put up with them yk? Even when I'm not into that conversation coz to me i always felt like i have to reply and give reactions to whatever they say or I'm being rude to them. But i noticed people around me do not do the same thing- they cut off it they find it boring or make it more fun by changing the topic. It seems like they are free, they aren't forced to listen or react.
I can relate to this.
The only logical and self respecting solution is to stop giving attention to those that don't reciprocate.
Omg I only realized this recently. This is what's been happening to me for years. How do you cope with this?
@@formless4541i'm now trying to do this as well but i can't get over the fact that it may build into resentment years later. I even thought that I need to choose wisely, because there are times when not listening will be thought as too harsh and often tried my best to listen as much as i can even when the listener seems to only like the sound of their voice (I really suck at confrontation)
Honestly, some people have no communication skills. They aren't listening and it's always ever only about them. So they aren't doing it to just you, they do it to everyone. I think people like this also have issues
@@apriliahussna4561 fr, it's just- the idea of not listening seems too harsh, ig it's just us who thinks that way, it might be the other person is not even noticing or putting much though to it, it'll be better to just sometimes let it slide and slowly decide by ourselves if we wanna listen or not coz- choice is ours at the end of the day
That's me. I've isolated myself from literally everyone
This actually made me cry and i dont think i felt this way so much apparently
I wanted to be invisible because I felt so overwhelmed.
That's me too ❤ wow! I didn't think anyone else struggled with this.
I want to be invisible because I couldn't really handle great expectation and feeling anxious in social situations. Now I have no friends who can actually hear and understand me.
I’ve always felt comfort in being invisible. What’s heartbreaking is that I find myself with so much opportunity to excel in every aspect of my life but one after the other the chance goes by because I fail to make the most of it. Truly the anxiety of just being seen is insurmountable.
You just described my 2 modes. I just need to be useful or not be in your way. My mother had me when she was 15 and I always justified her anger with me because I ruined her life. I am 33 and have had 2 friends in my life, my husband and my sister. I constantly separate myself when I am struggling and apologize for the inconvenience that is having to listen to me.
Very similar circumstances, here.
I feel you.
Sending you lots of love and healing energy 🤍
I hope you heal 💕 and I'm sorry you had to go through that. We are truly enough just the way we are and it's a shame that our parent/s made us feel like a burden but that doesn't mean we can't heal from it. May you not let this experience harden you and turn you into someone you're not. Godbless
I hope you're healing. Hang in there!
So true. I’m only 24. But I have zero friends and I’ve never been in a relationship either. I work in the movie industry and I’m telling you how hard it is for me to talk with people in shoots because all I think is how much of an inconvenience I would be or that I would only waste their time.
Ditto
Actually better at last in my 70's.
Crappy Childhood Fairy & Dr Caroline Leaf
Dr Julie...you have an uncanny knack for making the invisible pain visible.❤
I'm definately the latter, I've always felt invisible and had nothing to offer anyone.
I didn't know anyone else knew about this state of mind. Thanks
This is me 😢 growing up with narcissist I never felt seen or heard .
Same! It's rough.
@alicial4857 stay strong friend 🙏
school gives me heavy social anxiety, and i never thought you'll be this relatable
Damn. This describes me and my sister exactly. My sister was the people pleaser, and I'm the one who stays invisible.
That was my situation few years ago then I realized " When the world turns it's back at you, you turn your back on the world"
This hits home :(
I have always been a people pleaser because I always thought I needed to put in extra effort for people to notice me and like me, however, over the years, I realized, I am never enough for anyone, and now, I have shut down myself. I try to maintain a distance with everyone which is definitely lonely, but now I know, people who genuinely care for me will stay and others won't, which has brought me peace.
Omg you’re legit describing me. It can be so exhausting. 😢
I just realized this is me. I always do my best and I never got into major trouble as a kid afraid of disappointing my parents. I realized that my family really knows nothing about what I am interested in and that I get nervous to share stuff that interests me. Ex. I listen to K-pop every day almost for the past 7 years and they don’t know that I listen to that type of music. Some of it is I get judged for being different my sister always calls me weird and quirky (doesn’t bother me because it just means I am more unique most of it comes because I don’t fallow trends and just do what I want) I recently realized my mom doesn’t say hi to me when she gets home. I am sometimes sewing in the basement with headphones in so I don’t hear the door open but she doesn’t come down and say hi. She will find my sister and say hi and talk about how she is doing and how her day was but not me. The other day she said less then 10 words to me on the way to violin lessons and my brother called so she talk with him for a bit but the rest of the way she said nothing but look pissed so I kept quite because I did not want to get yelled at for nothing (30min drive) didn’t ask how my day was how I was feeling (I was vomiting all night it’s normal because of health condition so that’s why I did violin still it subsided so was able to do my lessons). Another time I was crying next to her in the car frustrated about a medication I tried that was making me depressed and agitated and addressed it for 5 min then went on to something about my sister. She claimed she saw no change in me. My violin teacher saw me upset (I get red faced when crying) and asked me what was wrong and agreed that I was different she said that I never get down and bother like that and she kinda noticed it last week but was not sure if it was a rough day or what. I messaged my doc. and they told me I had to stop since it affected me like that. In a weeks time I felt better and back to my chirpy self. She also loves to forget when I offer help that she does not take too and then says “No one ever tries to help me”.
@@For-get-me-notsAndRosesI think you may have a mother with narcissistic tendencies which seems to have you as the target for her frustration and lack of understanding.
Maybe she finds she has nothing in common with you and that you're so clever she doesn't understand you.
It sounds like a disconnect between the two of you, and she likes the girly social side of her other children's personalities.
Just you carve out your own niche, be you and find others around you who like the things you do, and maybe you'll feel less isolated and inconvenient to others.
Thank you Dr.Julie.
So so true 😢😢
Wow, this is my life as a middle child. I’m still unraveling this after years of programming. Ty for sharing!
I'm the second one, I have only less than 5 people with whom I constantly communicate. People actually ask me whenever I pop up randomly at some gatherings " Oh, you were alive!"
I so HATE when people make such remarks, or when they ask why I didn't want to meet with them the last time
like, just be happy that I'm meeting you now and just make me feel welcomed instead of interrogating me and stirring all kinds of emotions and defense mechanisms in me
That's kind of rude of them. They didn't care enough to check on you back when but suddenly have comments to make. Most likely in front of others to gain a response. Sounds like they're more about themselves in that case.
I'm the one that stays to myself. I just don't feel like I belong
I felt invisible and I step back, I've healed and leaned I am enough. Thank you for sharing this message... ❤
TRUE. I do both. I'm wanting to change these behaviours!
This resonates so much
I recently learned that this is part of a fourth coping method (or trauma response) called fawn 🦌, the other three being fight, flight and freeze
I used to be both, but I have come a long way. Thanks for this video that reminded me that I have made progress.
I can't shake off the fealing the few people I interact with are just putting up with me
This is so true. I grew up in a household where I felt so invisible and I became a people pleaser.
I just learned about this and stopped being a people pleaser because I realized most of my relationships existed because I was always there for them. After I set boundaries, they were gone and I don't really care now. I know the right people will stay no matter what..
Same here💪I’m proud of everybody could stop it incl.myself
@@silviageregova3919 good for you 🙏
❤️❤️
This is everything I am. I didn’t know it was a thing.
I have both...just pray and trust Gid for everything😘🙏
I grew up feeling like I couldn't make decisions for myself. In making a decision, my brain automatically thought about what that person would say. I barely ever thought about what I wanted.
This is me, too
Now I’m teary eyed. Thanks.
I love your videos!! I learn so much just by watching you. I turn down the volume and just watch the lesson, and then I rewatch with the volume on. Mind blowing. Great job.
I do both. When I am forced to interact at work i people please and when I get home I don’t exist.
So relatable...having a narcissistic father had such lasting effects. Keep working toward healing no matter how long it takes. Also, Nuvole Bianche is one of my favorite songs, it's so soothing. ❤
With me it's my mother. She thinks she makes everything perfect though she keeps making all the worst decisions and you can't even tell her she's wrong, because then I am a "b*tch who doesn't want to see how much others to for her and who thinks she's better than everyone"
@@VanessaTheWriter I went no contact 10+ years ago. It's the only thing that saved me. Sending you much love and support.
@@scarletaudra82 Thank you, you too
I had a narcissistic mother and yep, feeling invisible is one of the results of being raised by this kind of people 😢
Currently more than one year no contact and feeling a whole lot better.
I can also kinda relate to that, because I feel that my mom is narcissistic and I feel invisible and like a burden to everyone. It just makes me worried about taking steps and improve my life. Thank god I’m not the only person that feels that.
I'm the 2nd girl-child in a Hispanic family, so of course I was ignored! I finally just moved across the country, and I'm almost grateful when someone strikes up a conversation.
That’s hit deep, it hurts.
I'm a people pleaser for sure. As a small child, adults would get impatient with me or lecture me when I made a mistake or didn't know what something was. I felt like I was always a burden to everyone just by being there, and so I slowly grew to become more quiet and closed off. I ended up not really doing anything on my own accord anymore in fear of getting in trouble, and so I only did what people told me to do, always trying to make sure that I didn't mishear them and understood what they were asking of me. Sure, I've still had a few "rebellious" moments, but I've always been doing my best to behave as well as I could. Many times, having fun meant I would get in trouble, so I didn't really let myself live out a full childhood.
I got an autism diagnosis 2 years ago when I had just turned 15 years old, and I realize more and more that I was incredibly misunderstood as a child because I'm different, always have been. My parents said they suspected I was neurodivergent but they never made an attempt to understand me, always just getting frustrated with me instead. Because of that, I believed that everything I did was wrong and made me a burden. I believed something was wrong with me, that I was a bad kid. It took me years to realize that all the pressure on me was trauma that I was too young to be aware of. It hurts knowing that something could've been done if I was diagnosed sooner, I would've suffered less.
I purchased your book and gave it to the oldest of 16 nieces and nephews to be passed around. Your book was a hit and several now have their own copy so they can refer to it when they feel the need. It is my opinion schools should have this book for the teens education. You are a super mentor Dr Julie
You hit a spot and answered the questions that were floating in my brain. thank you
Ive been deeply scared by the people who stalk me and invalidation i receive, its affected my view of myself.
I've been in the "people pleaser" zone growing up as a kid. I've always struggled to make friends, between me being an introvert, insecure and silent child, so I thought that pleasing others was the way to earn a place in the group. I couldn't have been more wrong, as I struggled to be something I was not.
So, from highschool, I distanced myself from people that I felt I couldn't be with anyway, and went down the "I'm just a burden" route. I'm now 26 and I still feel like a burden sometimes, I still struggle to make conversation or message people I'd like to speak with, but it's gotten much better than it was before, and I have to thank my friends for giving me the courage to act instead of cowering.
Is good that you found people who are supportive and willing to help you and didn't gi e up on you
I have been seeing your videos a lot recently and I know it’s not a coincidence, thank you so much you have helped me realize so many things about myself that I didn’t know. And you have helped me to deal with my pains
Yes, my family treated me like I was invisible my whole life
I do both. It leads to endless burnout and depression
I do both (less now that I'm on therapy). It's HORRIBLE to feel not wanted, only tolerated, by any group of friends you have. Feeling like nobody really care if you're there or not.
true, relieving to see many people relate:/
bro WTF this is Soo true, but what should I do,
you try so hard to be with them then you realize
when your absence doesn't really affect them meaning your presence never really mattered.
My sister is the people-pleaser and I “grace people with my absence,” although this is the first time I’m hearing someone talk about what I experience.
I genuinely feel like no one cares about me and to call or text anyone would be an annoyance for them… So I just keep to myself.
I don’t know why but watching your vids make me want to cry
I was a mix of both...trying to be enough for those that rejected me and backing off from those who accepted me cause I felt like I didn't deserve them😢
But now this year I finally started to change that❤
Good job for changing!!!!! Omg I'm changing a 38-yr old pattern myself, so...we're doing it 🤓
❤🌟🦋
@@MsTaLaiah🦋🌟💛
Yup yup yup just discovered this about myself. And all the time I thought I hated people, I actually envied not having those connections.
I grew up feeling conspicuous.
And I helped!
That sums up me more than I could put into words
I was abused for doing both. Stepping out of situations and trying to hard. Idk. I sometimes feel like disappearing altogether. And its so painful it hurts everytime i try to even believe in genuine connections.
This hits hard. Im the second one. I feel really invisible. I just started Uni, made 5 friends, but they are the ones who are doing the talking. I don't know what to talk about or how to talk. The way i speak my words usually jumble up. So now ive just given up. Whenever we get a break everyone is talking to the person next to them while im just sitting next to them look down at my shoes. Its really hard. And i just cant do it more . I have accepted that it ok if i don't know what to talk about. I have myself and my God and that enough. I don't always have to be talking to someone.
I don't know if im right or not but thats how i will be going on until i can talk about something
Glad I relearned talking in high school.
You should speak to them about some mental health issue or something. Not actually about yourself but about burn out, depression, and feeling useless over all.
Just things students can relate to. Then I think you can talk about food, like HOT CHOCOLATE!! It’s the best you know. Wish I could drink it all the time, especially in winter. Do you like one? What’s your favorite?
One thing I found really important in conversations is that you need to just flow into others talk. Always changing the topic can be a bit off putting and makes you seem nervous. And you don’t need to worry about them feeling weirded out when you come in uninvited, because most of the time as long as you show enough enthusiasm they welcome you.
Now, I know it can be uncomfortable, but you don’t need to turn into a social butterfly in a second, so just talk about things you are interested in.
@@Biology_Creativenessthanks that sounds like really helpful advice. Especially the joining in in the conversation uninvited. It just feels weird. Like what will the others think.
I will be following your advice and will let you know how it is going after a month.
Thank you for taking your time for a random person on the internet! Means alot ❤❤❤
@@name5418 I know how restarting socializing feels like, it’s very confusing.good luck!
Yep, and I do both depending on the situation. I still feel invisible because no matter what I say or do I get ignored.
Thank you for sharing…this is exactly myself
These messages are so important.
I always felt as a burden growing up, I'm the other kind - grace with Absence. I unfortunately do believe , nobody can put up with me and somehow always feel I'm too much
yeah and becasue I'm depressed it means ppl find me annoying and they DONT want me around which continues the cycle. I over heard people saying "ugh we have 2 more weeks with her, she's so annoying," which has scarred me and now I don't want to be around people. they always over watch and analyse me and nitpick at my personality, flaws and things I say and do.
More on this please! In my case I’m the people pleaser, i need some eye opening advice and some techniques to help me improve myself rather than be trapped in it. Thank you
this short made me cry. i feel i have both
She really makes me understand my troubles. Thank you.