Kurt Metzger - Jehovah's Witness Drama - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored
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- Опубликовано: 15 авг 2016
- Kurt Metzger tells a story about being raised as a Jehovah's Witness and working at a video game store with a friendly crack dealer.
Watch full episodes of This Is Not Happening now: www.cc.com/shows/this-is-not-h...
Follow Kurt Metzger on Twitter: / kurtmetzger
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Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here: ruclips.net/p/PLD7nPL1U-R5pl-EsIsmgZTuS0t3Tm6EV8
I'm an ex JW and this hits so close to home 🤣🤣🤣
@@johnclaudetaylor5224 same here
I have some great Drug Stories, definitely better than any I have seen so far....
OK the multiverse must be real ruclips.net/video/5L3qPE6Md9Q/видео.html more *facepalm*
Thanks Kurt. You're right on- love you on Dore- tough gig, be a comedian but don't interrupt.. haha you do it tho.
Someone should make a movie out of this. This story has compelling and deep characters, an amazing plot, and a plotwist at the end!
No u
The fuck's a "plotwist"?
@mellamosean ... Blow me
@mellamosean ... I insist...
@mellamosean ... Lol sweet!!
I haven't been assaulted in.... five years?...
The taste of blood in my mouth and ringing in my ears is super comparable to reading a post that says "... Fuck you, chump!..."
Yeah, I think a fight sounds great!
Where should we meet down for a beat down?
OK, so I did stand up for a living for about three years.
I was alright, but not great. Didn't have that spark of genius.
But this guy, who doesn't look particularly charismatic, kept an audience on the string for TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES while he told three different stories with just one tie up punch line at the end.
Freaking brilliant.
if you did it for a living and made enough money to stay that as your job, you did great.
i know dozens of people who will never escape san jose or ever get paid..
just cuz you gave up on it means nothing. you can do it again anytime you please. the rest of your life if you just grab a mic and tell one joke youre right back into it again. and open mics are always welcoming..
Kurt's a great comic.
Do you have a favourite joke that you wrote?
Carl Hicks Jr why don’t you start telling stories from your life on RUclips and have someone do animation of some drawling you do or something just on RUclips period you can make a killing and never have to leave your bathroom lol
Love everyone being so encouraging. Refreshing to see vs usual youtube bull.
Sam, maybe you could be his promoter ;-) Whatever you're doing now Carl, I hope it makes you happy.
It also takes a smart person to know their limitations as we all have'em.
His eyes. They tell stories on their own.
O_O
You tell a story all your own.
It's called pain. All of us exjw have it. 😔
Jeffrey martinez very true Jeffrey
chill
That guy admitted he might’ve accidentally murdered a guy in his job interview haha and he got hired. That’s epic
Gotta respect the honesty :D
Got hired by a Jehovah's Witness!
"yea he just kicked a guy in the chest, and he didn't get up". Im crying.
At EVERY show, there is this dude/girl who is laughing louder and longer, more distinctively than the others. Today I came to realize that it makes me so HAPPY to hear it and experience it. Cause that person is also probably touched in a way that for them is very unique and genuine.
or he found ari's breath strips
or is near the mic...
wow. amazing. true
Live life loudly!!!
@@jwm6314 off-worlders
This was not a polished bit. This was a talented man telling his story. Raw and real
No, For Kurt, this is polished!
@@bogovabatina Sign of the craft!
Just the way you like it!
"Other lies come easy once you know how to do that magic." Jesus, is that spot-on.
Kurt's right. I learned how to lie every weekend at Mormon church as a kid, then mastered it as a dope fiend.
real talk
Belial61 ♥♥♥ HONEST PEOPLE WHO NEVER LIE ARE THE BEST LIARS. ♥♥♥
Gad damn....
Me too :D
Matt? Is your online name Belial61? Is that you?
Was raised JW, me and my grandmother left, now I celebrate birthdays and she has 2 boyfriends. We're both living our best lives now, one more than the other.
I think this is one of the best comments I've ever seen. Kudos to you and your grandma!
Happy for you!
your familys dumb boiii
I used to drop bags full of water on JW's heads as a kid. I'm convinced the bad luck I have had in life is directly connected to said act. Any advice as how to break the Curse?
She has 2 boyfriends?
I was born into and raised a JW.This was one of the funniest most relatable comedy skits I have ever heard.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Same here I was dying of laughter lol
.me too
Same. Such a nasty cult.
So many of my friends who are currently shunning me listen to Joe rogan podcasts while they're working, and I look forward to every time Kurt is on.
Same. Just your regular doomsday cult.
an addition to an already impressive resume by nights he controls the streets as zumo xDxDxDXD lmfao
*Zoomo
That was my favorite line in the whole bit.
Haha, it was totally worth the wait 😂🤣😂
10:16 "In retail, you just wanna find someone you could hangout with"
Dude, that makes so much fucking sense.
At my very first job interview, the store manager and I talked about this music venue we both went to and after I was hired we would talk about music and other random shit on slow days.
He was pretty cool about me taking home some food.
+Ramiro Belmares so you stole food from your job ?? Shame on you, if you had been a Jehovah's Witness you would have been slapped with a dirty sock for hamburglerizing this business. You better not ever talk crap about Jehovah's Australian Royal Commission and be like all these other worldly apostates spreading lies about Jehovah's WItness child abuse scandals.
@@BobSmith-xk5fb lol wut
This is a kind of nepotism, and I like it.
I too was raised Jehovah's Witness... They call their religion "the Truth" but seriously Kurt here got the truth that I saw myself. 100% on point!!!
First Jehovah's witness jokes I've heard that I'm actually relating to.
Well, none of that story makes even remotely any sense. So.... same.
Zumo is that you?
My ex house speakers son had a kid at 16 and he just moved congregations overnight. Nobody acted like anything happened nor said anything about it ever. I stopped going at 15 tho. It was totally a cult
Devbo Slice BROOOO THIS IS TOO FUNNY. I relate to this I was one and I used to fuck with the JW girls. They were low key kinky cuz they couldn’t express sexuality. Fucked but true and hthe hats funny af
I grew up in that stupid crap and this shits HILARIOUS to me
Thats a really great piece, i love the way it all ties together. like the setup of going from religious to non at the start leading to having himself contending with his own religion and the shit going on around him. slowly developing from finding out about gossip to hanging out with someone with a more morally loose perspective. Then finally realizing someone else who started in the same place he did has gone down a much darker path than he could previously have imagined...
The whole thing is just this great, complex parable for loosing religion or any belief really. No rules are real, your perception of reality is flawed.
Awesome story, one of the best I've heard on this show.
agreed
true
1+ he was telling the stories good to
+ydin9 stop bashing Jehovah's WItnesses and spreading false hope of ever being saved at Armageddon you wicked worldly person! You are like all the others spreading false lies about Jehovah's Australian Royal Commission and child abuse scandals.
Oh, I'm so sorry Bob, I did not in anyway mean to imply Jehovah's Australian Royal Commission had become anything like Catholic Church. Absolutely nobody should google what any of that means.
I’m an ex-JW and this story truly hits home for me
I was Born a JW and was in for 28 years. This is amazing.
he looks like Russel Peters if he were white.
like if russel peters fucked mr. bean
Newton's Third Law omg yes...i was trying to place his look
Exactly what I thought!
@@xorovats kinky
@Pichkalu Pappita He doesn't look brown at all. Perhaps a little tan, but he's still European in origin.
This guy just told the plot to a Tarantino movie. What a crazy life!
"No, nobody knows."
I legitimately spit out the cereal I was eating. Hilarious.
OMG, I was raised a JW and my mother used to take the guns from my action figures too. 😂🤣😂
Same here my mom hate guns
me too
Are you still a witness?
Lol I didn’t play with action figures, but I couldn’t have a water gun as a kid growing up in the 90’s. Do you know how devastating that is????!!!🤬😭
Same here but my mom is atheist.
this guy is an awesome story teller.
Amy Schumer Joke Stealing Compilation ruclips.net/video/4eDxjxVl8S0/видео.html
Joe Rogan Argues Over Amy Schumer Joke Theft Accusations WITH Kurt Metzger ruclips.net/video/c_RBhZpJj7U/видео.html
He just needs to make them funny.
Omg So glad I saw this. JW's will follow you even when you try to quit. I know from experience.
Sounds like 'Deshawntenae' was the REAL story teller.
Thanks to the theocratic ministry school
"By nights he controls the streets as Zumo!!!!" Hahahaha perfect closing line to the story.
I love Kurt on the Jimmy Dore show and finally get to see him doing stand-up! He is so brilliant and quick with JD, doing mostly spontaneous one-liners. It's great to see this story-telling side of him as well.
@Stephanie Carrow. I also enjoy Kurt on Jimmy's show. Often Kurt will say something hilarious or pertinent and Jimmy might talk through it, probably not purposefully, but lessening the impact.
@@bh8365 jimmy is quite envious of kurt's wit. but they work together to push patriarchal mores, so they're buds. it's really pathetic. imagine them saying the things they say about girls/women about *your daughter*, if you can't just care about female humans out of general goodwill.
This guy has Rodney Dangerfield eyes.
He reminds me of Mr. Bean.
Those are his uncle an cousin. Rodney is his uncle. And "Mr. Bean" is his cousin... Or, they fucked and made him, one of the two.
Jaseeka Rawr that’s calling cocaine
@Jake Shattuck 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was trying o figure it out and your right his eyes were like Rodney's
That was one of the most beautiful stories that I've ever heard from this series. Rounded up perfectly and unexpectedly.
This is one of my favorite stories, by far.... because I studied with the Jehovah's Witnesses
the legend of Zumo
There was no way zumo was going to be Josh, but it was, how brilliant and a crazy coincidence
its gunna be like the nintendo game where everyone insists link's name is zelda. except people will call kurt zumo
Wow, raise your hand if youre an ex-JW born and raised and this shits amazing to you
“It’s just a regular doomsday cult!”
Phantom Alpha the reasons lie in the origins of the holidays, they started out as pagen celebrations adopted by early religious leaders to get bums on seats and try to blend in and build a following
Phantom Alpha Got damn right! I grew up as one. I left, shit I escaped. My family is still in.
It is though, thats true.
Dogmatically, it is just another christian cult (they're all cults btw), that involves a doomsday scenario that has nothing to do with reality.
The only thing that distinguishes JWs among other christian cults is that it is highly structured, deeply organized, and very insulated and controlling.
In other words, its the management and structured organization that makes it seem special, otherwise, its the same biblical shit, just way better enforced.
foxibot You are 100% correct. I was a Jehovah’s Witness the first 10 years of my life. The focus on “the could end at any minute” put me in a depression so bad I was seriously considering suicide at the age of 8.
Thank God for grandma for getting us out of that cult.
Stephanie S that sucks you contemplated suicide....My mother is JW....we lost the mother son connection....When I listen to her talk it sounds like she is brainwashed....How did your family act towards you when you left JW? And what made you decide to leave ?
That's pretty lenient that his mother let him have Star Wars men, even. *There's magic and witchcraft in that franchise!*
I literally said the same exact thing I was not even allowed to watch Star Wars because my parents said Demons will attach themselves and they will be brought our home
@@CuckooCulture we weren't allowed to watch Goosebumps for the same reason 🤣 frickin Goosebumps man
Yep. and the smurfs were little demons so no cute little blue characters either.
@@gracehaven5459 You laugh but the two talkin' puppet Goosebumps books scared me more than Chucky as a kid.
I'm probably more scared of dolls than my mom and she had some ancient ones she swears moved lol
Looking at Hollywood from the outside, you think jw's are the bad guys? Ok........
I LOVED these stories! I was riveted by this guy! Make these stories into a Netflix series immediately! ♥️
I was also raised a jehovahs witnesses and established a tight five at open mics around la. thanks for the inspiration dude!!!!
As a former JW I can relate exactly to this whole story
So to my understanding there is like only 50,000 spots in heaven but it’s been around for like 100 years now. How do they know they have spots even left looool. Genuinely curious
144k dude get it right lol 😂🤙
@@goodstuffohhyeahyeah!
You’ll never earn one of those highly coveted spots in heaven if you don’t even know how many there are.
Is that you DeShawntheny?
a natural comedic story teller. i hope this guy gets a special soon
He really is one of the best comics alive right now. His stories are just so amazing and fun to follow lol
Really? i just finally clicked on this vid cause it kept popping up in my recommendations probably cause I watch Jimmy Dore. Don't get me wrong the dudes funny, but "the best comic alive"? That's a heavy title. What are some of his best bits or special you can point me to?
This is definitely my favorite one of these so far
Mexicans got on boots..
Ali's is hilarious too
nah bro lol there's this amazing one about a bomb threat in sears it's hilarious
Francisco Rios Jim Brewer..Funny as hell too. All these are good though. A comedian telling a true story, You get the best of both worlds. We get a little insight as to their true character that's not really "An act" per se' but even more entertaining.. I guess because it's Truth.
This is the PERFECT way to tell a story, great job Kurt!
This storytelling type comedy really works for me. Kinda reminds me of Charlie Murphy
@tylerx2f01 that's Eddie Murphy
@@heineken24oz What? Charlie Murphy was one Eddie Murphy's brother, he was on the Chappelle show among other things and has a series of stories he's told - mainly about Rick James
heineken24oz You should look up Dave Chapelle’s version of the story Charlie Murphy told him about playing a game of basketball with Prince..... Hilarious!
Now that ending deserves the "This is not happening" title...
Now, this is truly great comedian! Fantastic set!
That one person laughing the entire time had me dying😂
sounds like Jason Nash's laugh
Being raised as a JW is so different man, Glad to see others who also went through this type of ish hahahahha.
me too!
I was raised a Witness and still am one, but I can still laugh about it!
@@snu3877 You have a great sense of humor, and that is golden
For some reason the joke about the star wars men had me dead 😂 "so I just had...MEN"
I have watched a heap of these in the last two days, this is outstanding.
Excellent. I felt this AND have my own story that could be inconceivable yet, truth can be really crazy. Glad I listened to this one. Tears....had a Jehovah's witness boyfriend once. Whew!
GREAT STORY! This one was awesome! Team Kurt!
Kurt is probably the best stand up comedian right know. Always aggresively funny
I LOVE that CC put this up and didn't bow down and shut the guy out due to his recent comments. Kudos CC and great story Kurt
What?
was he talking about a specific comedian or just making up a description?
GunslingingHavocHD yea CC gave his knife away
OMG! LOL!!! I was raised STRICT Pentecostal and they're a lot alike in the sense of strict rules and BS! I laughed my hole off!!!
I was raised in a strictct Christian family was all into it up until middle school when I started asking to many questions
... and thats where shit when sideways in the most epic of ways!
I was raised by the stop sign, no religion, I was getting saved by the glock 9
Pentecostals are my biggest fear. I accidentally attended a Pentecostal church as a teenager… I have never been more terrified in my LIFE! JW’s teach you that the speaking in tongues is demonic possession!!!!
who thinks this guy looks like mr.bean?? especially when we opens his eyes wide lol
Probably my favorite story so far!
This is one of the best sets i've ever seen, so much talent
Disfellowshipped JW here. This shit is hilarious.
THANKS... FOR MEN
still my favorite line out of this amazing story
the intros are completely unnecessary
spaceshipkhan they're awesome.
So is Ari Shaffir
They're like bonus content. Did I miss the memo about whining being cool? Because there sure are a lot of whiners on these videos about the intros.
Aru Srs Same thing every time? Nah. Seems to me they made a different intro for each episode. They have 3 or 4 guests, so if you watch the individual talks, you will see the same intro. You're watching free content, be grateful it is there and you have the ability to view it. If it's 1:30 of bullshit, then you know exactly where you can scrub to view the content you actually want. Or you can try to appreciate the work of others.
I like them, I think they're entertaining. 😁
I came across you while watching Kyle. I knew there was something special about you. Glad that you made it out relatively unharmed.
This guy fucking ruled on Horace and Pete
I stopped listening to race wars when kurt stopped showing up and his last podcast with joe had me laughing so much... I have realized I am a kurt metzger fan. I hope to hear from him a lot more than I currently do.
Joe Rogan interrupts Kurt Metzger far too much and spoils it. Kurt will be in the middle of saying something really funny off the cuff lots of times and then Joe blurts in. Really frustrating. The only good thing about Joe having Kurt on was that it introduced me to Kurt. I could see the guy was a genius comedian even being constantly interrupted and his flow halted half way through.
One of the best not happenings I've seen.
Every time I hear someone telling jokes like this about witnesses I'm like "Where tf was this when I was a witness?"
😂😂😂 every once in a while you'll have a scandal like that, my congregation had one like 4-5 years ago
@@titanoflight2930 what's it like to be a Jehovah's witnesses?
@@arteedeetoo3144 dull, boring and very sexuality frustrating also you kinda lowkey have to live with the constant fear that if get caught committing any sin you'll be shunned by everyone you've ever know. I think that pretty much sums it up for me 😂. Now if you have no such desires then its probably a very fulfilling life, generally the people you meet are good ones in terms of their moral character (yes there are some bad ones but any institution will have them) even with disputes generally they are solved quickly and in your time of need, from my experiences having lived in 2 countries, brothers will always unquestionably come to your aide. Because of the principals you're raised with mostly the kids will turn out alright in terms of avoiding drugs alchol and such vices as well as some criminal tendencies, conducts that some people struggle for years but can leave behind when they come into the congregation. That said it truly is a difficult life personally i don't see my self committing too it in the long run but i do understand the appeal it has for some people.
@@nadeen1111 bad timing. Better stay where you are. There is nothing good for you out here.
You were deep in it, so you didn't realize what a douchebag you were being while you were being one.
I was born and raised a Witness too, lmao
Ant from Channel 420 ~ me too! born & raised, beaten & molested- typical jw upbringing.
@@mymangobango65 really? what do you mean?
@@mymangobango65 sis yours got dark tho, i thought i had it bad
@@crosssection6289 2 witness rule look it up
I imagine Kurt to be an individual who is into autoerotic asphyxiation
IDK why, but I can see that.
yep
It's in the eyes, it's all in those eyes 0_0
Too tall
Vault0 All you need is a belt. No height requirement needed.
I used to cut my son’s guns off his toy soldiers, and we called them “guys”. I can’t believe how close to home it was. It made me realize that people raised as Witnesses, we all have a similar vernacular to each other!
Cults tend to have their own vocabulary.
A young boy (also a Witness) my mom used to babysit got a major spanking one day when his mom saw him use a stick like a gun. She beat him with a wooden spoon and shouted about how Jehovah didn't approve of violence.
Because, you know, logic.
Rambling yet tight,nice delivery, great characterizations and a nice twist at the end. Cool.
For real
I saw this on TV, when it 1st aired, & for some reason the whole story sank into my memory, & I thought it was such a funny story. Then I spent a lot of time searching YT for it, & finally here it is!
These stories are amazing.
this guys sense of humor is off the chain! ive never seen anything like this in my life....... this guy rocks
I've watched a lot of these and this might be my favorite one so far. Usually I watch them while doing other stuff but I actually felt like I had to pay attention the whole time.
This is like my 10th time watching this since they put it up. Its great everytime Metzger is really underrated hes one of my favorites I wish he had more stuff out.
I grew up a witness and this had me dying lol
i connect with the whole religous secret life thing its so strange
Omg....amazing stories man! This show is da bomb. haven't heard a boring story yet.
we need a new series of this.
Holy fuck. Great story. Had me laughing the whole time. Kurt seems like such a genuine dude, even while don't believe 100% of this tale. That's the sign of an great story teller
every time my dad sees a black car that isn't usually at our neighbors house, he comes in my room and says, "don't go into the living room because the witnesses are at Doug's. I'll be in my room."
Metzger is an underated genius : his undetectable delivery , setups & punchlines are delayed nuclear bombs. a fckg original
one of the best stories!
Calling it - Joe Rogan's in that crowd man. I know that laugh anywhere...
I was also catching hints of the old rogan laugh hahahahaha
My favorite story on this series.
This is one of the best stories i've heard, ever.. If not the best one
10:51 the on the verge crying happy tone while answering a phone at work is accurate.
"it's called Gamespot now" lmaoo
ANY Former witnesses here that have heard the urban legend about the Smurf walking out the Kingdom Hall? What’s the version you remember?
Lol wow I don't think I've heard that legend now I'm curious
We werent suppose to watch the Smurfs because it had magic in it. My family was more liberal JWs so we ignored a lot of non sense. We had worldly friends, listened to all music and watched the Smurfs. Lol. We just never celebrated holidays.
Sylant Stevens Yes I have heard this story growing up going to the meetings with my parents. The story would go that a young girl had brought a Smurf doll to a nightly meeting along with her. The doll actually stood up and ran off on its own. Actually was thinking about this story a few weeks back, crazy to just see it now lol
I remember that story.
It never ceases to amaze me at the flat-out lies let the faithful tell each other. It's like they just don't get any of the magic from their books anymore and worried the little put other people off of accepting whatever deity, then they tell themselves they're doing god's work or something. When Kurt said the thing about pretending that Moses was watching you really felt the wait there I think. He didn't seem I was joking about it and looked a bit annoyed. I wonder just how much he didn't live life when he was younger because of oppressive concept like that. :-( I grew up religious too and still have moments that I don't feel comfortable with myself.
Single-handedly the best intros on any RUclips channel!
This was the best one yet.
Okay, I need D'Shaunthani to come on this show and tell his story 🙏🙏🙏
As a guy who was raised a JW and forced into staying for most of my life, I can tell you this is sooo spot on.
Can confirm
These stories never disappoint.
This was one of the most entertaining stories I’ve ever heard
The truth is stranger than fiction, good story.
Dude as a former witness this shit hits home.
What did you see?
The genius/savant who became an enforcer is a testament to how much the people you are surrounded with lift or push you down
Frikkin Amazing! Well done Kurp!:)
This dude was great on Horace and Pete.
Dan Ham thaaaaat's where I remember him from
Anyone else wonders when his eyes are gonna pop out?
That was the best story by far on this channel.