The CURE for Narcissism? My (Possible) Method; 5 Points (Healing A Narcissist)
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- Опубликовано: 24 авг 2024
- Ive said for the past 6 years that I do not believe there could ever be a cure for narcissism. That position is something Ive maintained because of the NPD impulse to dismantle the therapeutic process.
If a narcissist could be convinced not to do that (and I explain a possible method of how this could be done in the video) then there is a CHANCE they could be healed.
But it would be very, very difficult and the Narcissist, NOT the therapist, would have to be willing to put in extremely challenging work, every day for a year or so.
In the video I explain why its akin to someone to someone being in a coma for a long time learning to walk again
Im not a clinician, Im not qualified to diagnose or do psychotherapy work with anyone.
Nor have I ever altered someone with full blown NPD in any but the most cosmetic ways through coaching.
But if there is a chance for full healing, I think it depends on these 5 key points.
Ive said for the past 6 years that I do not believe there could ever be a cure for narcissism. That position is something Ive maintained because of the NPD impulse to dismantle the therapeutic process.
If a narcissist could be convinced not to do that (and I explain a possible method of how this could be done in the video) then there is a CHANCE they could be healed.
But it would be very, very difficult and the Narcissist, NOT the therapist, would have to be willing to put in extremely challenging work, every day for a year or so.
In the video I explain why its akin to someone to someone being in a coma for a long time learning to walk again
Im not a clinician, Im not qualified to diagnose or do psychotherapy work with anyone.
Nor have I ever altered someone with full blown NPD in any but the most cosmetic ways through coaching.
But if there is a chance for full healing, I think it depends on these 5 key points.
@Richard Grannon - I feel like this may be a stupid question but it keeps coming up for me. If superego functions subconscious/unconscious & it controls us (codependents/narcs). How is all their manipulation and meanness conscious/intentional? How are they both a toddler AND a "cruel villain"?
@@KatyWithAWhyyy Its not a stupid question, its just a question of nuance. Superego controls the impulse, emotional flashback controls the "archetypal state" but there is still a choice to act or not act on an impulse or emotion.
It would be a huge mistake to make the logical leap to saying "they dont know what they are doing and they are blameless".
They DO not what they are doing and are not be absolved of guilt. The world couldnt function if we pardoned every criminal because "mental health" was a carte blanche to do whatever they wanted.
In fact that would make them worse.
RICHARD GRANNON Ok, that makes more sense. May be due to my over analyzing and black and white tendencies that I broke it down as I did initially. Your answer helps me to frame it up. Thank you, as always! ☺️
@@Gwen13061 with no offense intended: is your point that meds should be prescribed?
@@KatyWithAWhyyy I had some experience with toddlers and I must say they are cruel. I do not believe anymore in the myth of the child as a sweet good creature. They are perfectly able to be bad and vendicative. It is human nature I guess. So super ego can be a child and so it can be cruel
"Before you heal someone, ask him if he's willing to give up the things that make him sick." Hippocrates
That is as with many great truths both humorous and tragic.
Ooh that's good. I've never heard that before, thank you 👍
I found that most people don't really want to heal despite the fact that they say they do. I know several codependants whom I met in my teens (often through a mutual narc friend) who complained to me about their mental health. When I told them that I think that they have CPTSD and recommended them to read more about narc.abuse they all backed up. Narcs have also complained to me about mental health issues. I recommended one of them to read a book that helped me. This person read the book and said "the book does not say enough about how to actually heal the issue". That was it :)
Yes....however, that’s the second question that should be asked...the first question is , “Do you believe that you are sick?”🤔
lol good point
The narcissist inside me is very thankful for seeing this. I don't want to be like this. All the videos out there say we can't be helped , so to hear this is gives me hope. Thank you.
I am so grateful for this perspective. I am the narcissist who desperately wants to change for the sake of not perpetuating this cycle in my children's lives. This has been the most helpful video that doesn't focus on demonizing the narcissist. THANK YOU!
That is so great!! I’m hoping my husband will realize this too!
I believe anyone can change if they want it bad enough I wish you luck 😊
My thoughts exactly.. Thanks Richard!
That is great Hannah, be brave, you can do this.
You are not narc Hanna;) You are propably a victim of one or 2 parents
for all the people seeing this and wanting to heal from NPD, you're amazingly beautiful. thank you for taking this cure
@@victoriamarie35 it's rather tragic really. I feel mechanical emotion. I never had real love, while I am self aware I do not have emotional connection with people. I choose to spend my time alone where I have control over my environment, as soon as that is challenged I don't know how to respond other than manipulation for empathy so that someone may help me. Again that connection with attention and the need for love. Again those who are self aware can live relatively normal lives. HOWEVER, in some if not most cases, mechanical or mathematically driven or calculated emotions and not real, so I wouldn't know how it could be cured.
Peace✌️
@@victoriamarie35 I am sorry to say that are evil to the core save your prayer for someone else
@@jeffytodd4261 Prayers can provide the fertile ground for the seeds of change. The rest is up to them.
@@victoriamarie35 broad is the way narrow is the path Matthew 17:13
@@jeffytodd4261 KJV Romans 11:14
“If by any means I may provoke to emulation them which are my flesh, and might save some of them.”
Many people have been saved because someone prayed. I’m praying for them.
If anyone reading this has fallen down the RUclips rabbit hole on a quest to understanding their partner , let this one be your guiding light ...
What do you mean? Are you speaking on this particular video?
@@greygoose6531 beautiful one, just keep listening... I promise you will understand... Dear God i hate how painful this process is..
When I was a child and I hurt myself in a humiliating manner (fell off a trampoline into the mud at another person's house), I looked at the house and cried harder when I realised no one responded.
Zena Mason I don’t think Narcissism is cause by a sole event. I think it’s cause by continuous abuse throughout the whole childhood, also it’s cause how you react to it as an adult. If you take action to improve yourself or you bury urself down.
If you are researching why your partner is a narcissist I suggest running.. they will eat you alive. If you fall down this rabbit hole that they can be helped you will surely end up more broken. My narcissist played the “getting help” for 2 years. They have to want to get help and they are so egotistical they never do.
"your parents didn't love you" it was such a relief hearing those words. My first thought was thank goodness love isn't that messed-up manipulative guilt-inducing game
Yes her knew it was gonna hit, hence the long pause?
Camelia it also helped me when Richard said something about parents sometimes not even knowing "how"..
Same.
Im not saying its not true for you but I wouldn't be so quick to judge your parents. Life is complex as are people.
peri peri you can denounce the love from your parents as toxic/damaging without judging them as people, or demonizing them
I understand your point tho just wanted to think about it a bit
Thank you!! I didn’t quite understand how I was being a Narcissist or why. This video had a lot of great points. You basically described me. I had a dismissive father and my mom constantly told me I was the best and couldn’t do anything wrong. My relationship with my mom was transactional and I avoided my dad because nothing I ever did was right or good enough. 🤯 This video gave me a perspective that I may be able to work from, thank you!!
Thanks for this video. All of the videos on RUclips are how to torture, escape, avoid the narcissist.
How to torture? Are you kidding?
@joannaRB no that is one of the most common videos; torture, destroy, hurt, vengeance
Healing a narcissist - is it possible?
Yes. Conditions:
1. Acknowledging, understanding and accepting CPTSD in its totality (advice: read "CPTSD from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker). Approach the healing from this perspective.
2. Understand the four Fs (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) and how they develop from CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.
Accept that NPD:
- is codependency
- post-traumatic protective stress-response to childhood trauma
How to heal NPD:
Treat it as though it was a CPTSD:
1. Treat the emotional disregulation (moodiness). All they are trying to do is regulate their emotions, specifically they don't want to feel SHAME. (The behaviour is SHAMELESS, it is to avoid deep seated feelings of shame, that come from emotional flashbacks). They attack, provoke, lie, are predatory, hurt you - in order to avoid abandonment terror, shame and sadness.
(Grannon video: The CPTSD archetype of the sad baby)
The sum of these emotional flashbacks is that one feels a specific combination of 4-5 emotions that shows up almost as a new personality. (E.g. being confident, energized, giddy, supper optimistic, really happy, joyful).
A certain cluster of emotions creates a certain archetype. NPD shows up as a sad baby archetype:
- needs others to give things to them
- manipulative childhood behaviour, in order to recruit other people to do things for them
Angry baby archetype:
- crancky/rage/temper tantrum, when people don't want to help them
- selfish
- grumpy
- vindictive
- punitive
Children go trough a phase of narcissim and selfishness. NPD never grows out of it. It's a response to trauma. As a consequence they leave their body (in their mind) and create a "false self" . They create a new reality, where their pain doe not matter, they become their own god and "help themselves" .
2. Deal with the inappropriate archetype, showing up.
3. Overcome the super-ego. (The part of you regulating your moral behaviour, telling you what is right or wrong). The child looks to the parent to get a feedback on wether sth is good/bad etc.
An NPD is brought up by inconsistent/abusive parents. They then internalize an abusive/bad parent. And have an abusive super-ego. It goes up and down- that is why they are so emotionally unstable (moody).
- highly poor ego-boundaries
Abuse:
- can be silent
- being judgemental
- being too strict
- never saying to a child "well done!"
NPD:
- there is no ego, and no ego boundaries
- only super-ego (vicious)
When their super-ego attacks them, they have an outer critic.
There were 2 separate injunctions that created NPD:
- no ego, no ego boundaries
- an extreme amount of being spoilt or all bad
They need to be desperate to even start therapy.
thank you for this summary
@avgonyma1 - Great synopsis! I wish i could copy what you wrote & save it, but RUclips won't let me. :(
Jessica A. Take a screenshot
How can spoiling be part of the cause of someone becoming NPD? Is that actually considered traumatic to be spoiled?
On another note, a relative of mine was quite spoiled by one parent as a child. But also abused by the other. (I guess that would give her a very inconsistent message: one parent thinks she's perfect and can do now wrong, and the other expects perfection & she can do no right - so she he's doted on by one & beat on verbally, emotionally & physically by the other.)
I can't tell if she is NPD or BPD. The traits can be so similar. Does anybody know the difference?
@@jessicaa.6690 I will try to give you my thought, which are just small bits of what you're asking:
In terms of wether she is an NPD or a BPD: try to ask Elinor Greenberg, on Quora. She is an expert on these "adaptations" and has been for over 40 years. She has also written a book "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety", where she also discusses the differences.
As for spoiling:
1. Spoiling is a form of abuse, as far as i know. It is unhealthy and leaves you ill-prepared for life. I'd say it can be traumatic later on, when you face the real world, as a spoilt person, and have to realise (trauma) that the world is not what you thought it was....
2. I once read a book about spoilt children and how to fix that. They were describing 5 way of spoiling, amongst them: being spoilt by being given everything or excessive attention, but also "being spoilt by neglect" .....
And they all lead to similar results: a spoilt child.
I can copy and paste the synopsis either to a mail or a DM (but I am unaware of a DM-option within RUclips). Otherwise, a screenshot is your only option, yes.
I really don't care about PhDs, you are ON TO SOMETHING here. Out of all people I've listened to about this subject, you have been the most helpful by far. And there are so many points in this video that make me think about these dynamics differently. And isn't it interesting how society in general teaches you to think about ego in a very incorrect way? :/
👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Well said.
What he says is building on stuff PHD's have discovered: the whole thing how CPTSD and how trauma in childhood forms etc explains personality disorders so much better than previously understood, it comes from people like Bessel van der Kolk (read the Body Keeps the Score or listen to his lecture on RUclips). I'd like to Richard to attribute these pioneers of trauma research and not just RUclips celebs like Vaknin (who does has original and insightful points about malignant narcissism yeah). The stuff Richard here says is good synthesis of what therapists who also do academic researcher have found in past few decades. It makes sense that personality disorders are combined to one in ICD-11 and then describing what facets is has, as people can with little different environments portray stuff that was previously understood as totally different disorders (histrionic, borderline, antisocial) when they in fact have a lot of in common. Van der Kolk and others even seem to think a lot of psychiatric diagnoses will be replased more accurately with CPTSD, not limited to personality disorders.
This guy is just amazing. He gave me some Hope. My ex hurt me so much but i dont want him to suffer cause he is a victim too. We have two young children i need to fix him for them.
Richard has a fresh view, from his own reasoning and experience. Sometimes too much education takes away from this.
The crying and nobody's coming.. this is what worries me about the sleep training where parents allow baby to cry it out til they self sooth.
Most definitely a recipe for attachment injury of some kind.
YES! Not my babies, I soothed them so they could learn to trust and love. They've grown up beautifully
I know for sure that's a significant amount of my trauma. I remember being a baby in a few moments and just feeling like I was being tortured because I just felt invisible.
it's the absolute worst
Very popular in the Mexican culture.
i suffer from NPD. i first came across it (and other B-cluster personality types) in my 30s and spoke to a number of professionals about it, as such i've been clinically diagnosed 3 times, independently. since confirming this disorder, i've attempted to counter it and the damage it can cause as much as possible. this is honestly the first piece online that i've found where i felt like i wasn't being demonised. it's of extreme value for narcissists to see that there are people out there prepared to help, rather than 'survive' them and gain distance. thank you for this insight.
I want nothing more than to help my narc ex. He did things that forced me to choose between my love for myself and my love for him... and since I can't love him without loving myself (love for others is excess self love spilling out of its container), I chose to save myself. In doing so, I still love him. Had I stayed, I would've been codependent, which is abuse of the narcissist, not love for him.
So tragically, the very thing that would keep us together - my love - keeps us apart because of what he did. But apart I will love him for eternity, just as he is, but hoping and praying he becomes the beautiful soul I see trapped within, waiting to be set free and come alive.
Dr Daniel fox is a therapist on you tube who has effective treatments there's a few others also 🙏
Didn't you treat others badly for how many years, why its your right to treat people horribly and people can't demonize you ? 0 sympathy for you guys, go work on yourselves, and stop getting the sympathy and the care from others
He did work on himself, that is why he takes time to help others heal, he was a victim of NPD too, he knows how hard it is to recover, but is willing to train people how to live themselves again..Maybe you were not willing to recognize ,it has effected his self, look up ACES too high on line, it tells the outcome ...if you do not take the time to heal.
He was co dependant, not na-r cisisst, he did not hurt anyone, co -dependants hurt their own self, with self-doubt that was coerced in them by the NPD.
This video made me burst to tears, because no video has ever discribed all my problems and my internal world so perfect. I am a girl recovering from NPD and this video made my my mom agree to help me in my recovery!
I like your style of explaining a lot and thank you for uploading this free content, you are amazing!
Greetings from Greece 🇬🇷
Greetings from a Greek in NYC. I was born in Sparti.
How are you doing with this? Has it helped you?
Congratulations on admitting you needed help and reaching for help.
You are going to do well.
Na èise kalá koritsáki mou.
I came across this content by chance and it really spoke to me and made it understandable so thank you. Ive been struggling with the question of am i codependant or on the narcissist spectrum. Guess either way the recovery is the same.... self parenting could be my answer. The pendulum metaphor really hit home and i liked your straight talking. Ill be checking out more of your stuff.
My choices before seeing this were very bleak. I was really struggling with my inner self but now i have hope and a direction to investigate. Thank you
Good on you, "where there's a will, there's a chance "
So Proud of you (& Your Mom) Young Lady!! ❤❤❤❤❤🙌🙌🙏🙏👏👏👏😘
❤ just don’t give up therapy (if the therapist is good) (been there, done that). The shame is the worst thing ever in narcissism. Try also EMDR, it’s the best CPTSD treatment. Take care. We are special people-even though there is a bit of narcissism in the affirmation. 🫶🤗. One of the best..thank you Richard for creating this channel and sharing it with the world. 🙏❤
You are indeed a pioneer. No-one has given me as much as you in terms of insight. Well done.
Anneke Luijkenaar glad to have helped
YES!!!🎉
@@RICHARDGRANNON I feel exactly the same way. This video may have actually changed my life. I sat through through this 1 hour video like a freaking uni lecture, hahaha. Thanks for the efforts you've put into making this.
Thank you , no one has explained this way yo me , mostt want to push religion down my throat
That's either a high pedestal or a low bar
Hey. I'm not sure if you will see this. I am a 36 year old, single dad. I cringe when I call myself a victim, so instead, I say I was in a relationship with a narcissist. She is also a drug addict (in recovery, mandated by law to avoid prison). I have full custody of a beautiful 4 year old child who does not yet know his mother. She was so focused on herself that for a time, she admitted she didn't want to be a parent and left to go be the life of the party. Parenting came naturally to me. In a hypothetical, hyperbolic sense, I would allow the universe to burn if it meant saving my son. She couldn't understand it. Couldn't understand how i could move my gaze off of her to take care of anyone else but her.... But I believe recognizing it for what it is helps. I'm attending her counseling requests (ill emphasize it was brought on by state mandate to avoid prison) not for me, but the hope that our son will one day have a healthy relationship with his mom. As difficult as I'm sure it is, just try to keep those around you happy. Making my family happy gives me the greatest joy in the world.
I can't believe how well you analyzed the narcissist. Thank you! For many years I have been doing therapy that is supposed to help me deal with phases of depression. Now I have realized myself that I am a vulnerable narcissist. I understand why I have this hole in my soul. And it hurts so much. It's a shame it took so many years to develop this knowledge. And I think it's a shame that my therapist didn't have the interest or ability to guide me on this trail ... Now I'm looking for the quickest way out of the situation because I want to be a good mother.
Hi , did you see any progress ??
When I started looking to heal my own narcissistic tendencies I was saddened to find there is so much HATE for the abused child grown up, and NOTHING on healing those who SUFFER from npd. Thank you for what u do. It really means a lot
Update:
It's been 4 years since my original post. I've since adopted spirituality. Osho, Sadhguru, and Eckhardt Tolle are good places to start. All the solutions are there for you and your loved ones. Good luck on your healing. God bless us all🙏🏾
God bless you.
I hear you and agree wholeheartedly.
Eleazer Collins There is ‘hate’ because they immensely abuse people who have done nothing wrong and in most cases give a lot of energy, patience and love in order to help.... these people in most cases don’t know why they get abused, assaulted, smears and wrongly accused of the most awful things so please excuse BPD victims for been angry!
Let’s just be realistic here and not put the NPD on an abuse pedestal for being more of a victim than the people they abuse ;-)
@@ReformedWhiteKnight I'm making no excuses or comparisons. I understand where abuse victims are coming from and why they feel so strongly, but I can't agree with exercising hate against the npd anymore than I can agree with the npd doing what they do. What I'm saying is until we recognize that babies are all victims and essentially molded by their environment, we'll still blame people and not the systems that created them. Only once we recognize the situation for what it truly is can we being to make real, lasting changes.
@@TheeLetterL did you heal?
@@mweusimrembo890 hard to say. I don't have an official diagnosis. But I am aware now! It helps me understand myself and not react as much to "disrespect".
I don't ever remember getting a 'well done' for anything, I didn't realise that wasn't normal!
me too
@EmmaHarrop I totally get that. I remember being in a heated conversation with my mother and I blurted out, that for just once, she could tell me she was proud of me. She got quiet, looked into my eyes and said “but I am not”. I cut ties with her in 2008.
@@MsTygame Wow, she really laid her cards on the table there didn't she. I am proud of you for surviving being raised by someone so cold. You will do the opposite with your own family.
@@elharrop cold is the best description for her. I remember her crying one time during my entire childhood. Because she saw crying as weakness, she drilled that into me. I was scolded and usually punished for it. I am 48 years old and I have difficulty crying to this day. When you said you didn’t realize that you didn’t realize that wasn’t normal- I didn’t either. I was at my friend’s house and I blurted out that my mother would often say she wishes she never had me. The horror in everyone’s eyes were unforgettable. Luckily I spent most of my weekends with my best friend’s family and I was able to see normal functioning family dynamics and the unconditional love between mother and child.
@@MsTygame You didn't deserve any of that but it will probably help to see her as wounded rather than inherently evil. You have broken the cycle of generational abuse by choosing to heal rather than to harm, you are making the world a better place with your empathy and awareness
literally started to cry when you said "you're just a person" you're right. when the shit hits the fan I go to a very very dark place thinking every act I have ever done is horrid and beat myself up about everything. even the good by saying you've only done it because it serves you. when I feel a bit better in myself I then berate myself thinking of gone back into the narcissism and it feels like a vicious cycle which is very familiar for me.
Codependants feel the same
It is me, me, me. To cry is helping no one.
Sorry start to reflect and be empathetic with other persons.
I totally hear and feel you on this one.
I identify with just about everything you're saying.
This video really helped me understand how I got out of narcicissm on my own and it was studying success philosophies. I took me 10 years or reading books and learning on my own to develop a healthy ego. I still at times become narcissistic but I'm retaining my empathy really well. Personal development on the mind is what keeps my mind healthy after being abused for so many years.
Hi, do you have any resources?
This is beautiful to hear, brother!
What books did you read please?
@@twillsJKZhey sry to bother you have u found any sources that have helped?
@@plamenvasilev7980 Not really no, im in therapy though. how are you doing?
Thank you. It's like someone flipped the light switch on for me and made sense of my 57 years of this life time of mine. It's taken a lot of work, lifr choices, religions, therapies, reading watching you and others so that now...it's coming together in my senses all at once. Whew...I need to sit quiet here for a while and marinate and watch this again. 🙇♀️
Are you saying you are a narc?
Just
Thank God for people like you Now I can stop watching your videos It's a little late now after 33 years Of living with my spouse with 3 children 2 adults and one teenager and now I'm single And looking for answers of what happened in my relationship I never realized what I was doing to my family Now I really have to change watching your videos is going to be a great help in my life Thank you so much
When money is not our driver in life.... BRILLIANCE PREVAILS
Thankyou Richard.
Money is a bi product of your actions. Those actions might be helpful for you and your self esteem.
I don’t know who you are but you have saved me. I’m 25 years old and I realized that I can be a normal person. I have time to heal, to make peace with myself, to get back on track with my life and go out. A normal life, with bads and goods. Thank you.
What ways are you approaching to work on this ?
Hi , did you see any progress, any recovery ??
I'm 6 minutes into this video and I'm already crying. I finally feel like someone understands me, why I do the things I do. It took me so long to admit that I was narcissistic only to be confronted with mountains of people saying "narcissists can't change" or "narcissists are one step short of psychopaths" or things like that. I felt hopeless; like my options were either stay a narcissist and hurt others or recognise my faults and hate myself with no hope of healing. Thank you for recognising that narcissism develops from abuse, that we aren't heartless monsters, and thank you especially for giving me hope of change and recovery.
That's interesting to hear this. My brother is a covert narcissist, he has hit rock bottom, but I can see that if he saw this video he might feel offended because he is so sensitive.
Do you have any advice for what my family can do to help him? He lacks awareness of his own narcissism so much and in fact calls other people narcissists, so he has an awareness of what it is (roughly), but his narcissism is so deep that he can't see that he has it himself. His level of hypocrisy is honestly beyond insane that it's hard not to feel hopeless.
I just can't imagine my brother making the same comment you made, it's hard to believe you are a narcissist because a narcissist wouldn't think they are a narcissist, how did you come to that realisation?
Was it on your own? Were you forced to? Did you have to?
And if possible do you have any recommendations about how a covert narcissist can at least become aware they are one but at the same time do that in a sensitive way so they can accept it in a way which isn't too painful?
Also how painful was it for you to accept you were a narcissist?
And are you covert or malignant/grandiose?
Also my brother suffers from depression, anxiety etc, which makes him act out more in my opinion, makes his harmful behaviour worse, is that something you have also experienced?
Sorry for so many questions, I'm just desperate, my mother had a heart attack because of all the stress, we need to help him somehow, we need to help him find a way to help himself but he won't. He just continues blaming. It's very sad.
It's unfortunate you didn't get a response for your questions. I'm sorry for all the struggles you're having to deal with.
I have a friend that is a covert narcissist & have been searching for the answers to many of the questions you've asked.
I have to ask have you've found any helpful ways to try & get your brother to become aware? Or have any advice for me on things I could try (or things I should definitely avoid trying)
@@Freddie1MHi Freddie, Sorry to hear this for you. I’m pretty much in the same boat as you, only it’s my sister who was diagnosed with NPD & Bipolar 2 back in 2017. I have no answers for you; unfortunately me and my family are as lost as you are with how to help. I have watched hundreds of hours on RUclips about narcissism, and haven’t come across any way to help a narcissist see themselves and recognize their problems.
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.
No I haven't found a way to make him self aware, the problem is if I confront him and explain to him how he is a covert narcissist I am 99.99% sure he will deny it. That denial I believe will just make the situation worse because it will probably lead to more projection and he'd become worse and even start calling me a narcissist which I would find unbearable because he's the one doing all the abuse and I've spent years of my life bearing this pain, sacrificing friendships, job opportunities etc.
About your friend who is a covert narcissist, I'm curious how you came to this realisation? Having been subject to my brother's abuse for so long it's hard to be friends with him, I want to help him, but I don't think I can ever be good friends with him because he's too abusive and I'd never be able to trust him again until I'm 100% sure he's cured and to my knowledge it is an incurable disorder.
I am curious why you remain friends with him knowing that he is abusive to other people, it's a very brave and commendable thing for you to do because you could walk away (I assume). I can't think of a great analogy but to me it's close to choosing to remain friends with a murderer, I know this probably sounds like an exaggeration, but it's not, my mother nearly died because of all the stress he caused her, I'm having stress related health problems myself which have most likely significantly shortened my life. My mother is still subject to all this stress and my brother continues to abuse her knowing full well that stress was almost undoubtedly the main cause of her heart attack. My mother keeps telling him that this stress is going to give her another heart attack but he continues to be abusive and blame her for his own failures.
Do you know what kind of abuse your friend does to close family around him? Does he ever abuse you? My brother doesn't abuse his friends because he knows he can't get away with it. @@danp1471
@Freddie1M
TLDR Its a female I crushed hard for & only really been communicating with regularly for 6 months. She lives 3+hours away so I only know of her abuse towards me. I came to the realization by the amount of boxes she checked after I eventually stumbled across vulnerable Narcissist when searching for answers.*
Well for starters it's a female friend that I crushed hard for. I've known her for several years but would only see/talk to each other a handful of times a year. She seemed like a nice beautiful girl, but I always noticed a sense of entitlement about her.
It wasn't til a few months back that she reached out & we clicked. She made me feel desired & understood. She told me she was diagnosed with systematic scleroderma & it has been causing many problems, preventing her from working & whatnot.
The first few weeks went great. I'm a introvert with a kind heart, not much family & my circle of friends is small. She gave me her sob story talking about how all the people before me bailed on her. I ate up the attention she gave me & became bonded to her rather quickly. It wasn't long however before things started to feel off.
She didn't seem to be nearly as grateful as one would expect in her situation given the way I was treating her. She seemed very hit or miss in her efforts despite me giving my all. (Considering she was supposedly 'all alone with no one' that just didn't sit right with me.)
She seemingly did a 180 out of nowhere at one point. Essentially hitting me with the silent treatment. What was it for? I have no idea. I did nothing but love & look out for her. She came back around acted all lovingly & then she dipped again. Like wtf? That's when I started googling questions & it didn't take long to land on vulnerable Narcissist. The more I read on it, the more boxes were being checked.
I believe she has scleroderma because it lines up with what I've noticed about her from over the years when I met her previously. Conviently though thats a disease which conditions can vary a bit from patient to patient. So I'm forced to go off with how she paints the picture. She did have to go to the hospital for at least a few days, but seemed like she was playing it up a bit too much.
I even made a loving post essentially dedicated to her wearing the "my fight is her fight" gear, sharing her story of being diagnosed with systematic scleroderma. You know the type of post you make to spread awareness about something & you're practically begging everyone reading it to share it?
Well she actually replied to it asking if she could share it. Like what? That's the entire F'in purpose of it & it was being done for her. I essentially did a retelling of her story. Like who would ask that? [Sorry I almost forgot about that one. At the time that whole thing just blew my mind.]
One thing I do believe her on is she's living without family members & is renting out one room of her house to a ex-coworker she rarely sees.
I haven't been close enough to her to know how she treats her family. I know she has a son about to start college that she appears close to that we talked about a bit. I met him several times in the past previously when he traveled with her. She puts on the display of loving him dearly. That could be part of her image because I'd consider him the golden child. She doesn't have many accomplishments from what I've seen, so she boasts of him & seems to use him to get a good bit of her attention.
She's only open about certain things. Pretty much solely focused on the struggles she's had. I only know what she tells me, & there's not many ways I could truly verify what she does share. It's impossible to know how many lies she may have told me.
Why do I stick around? I guess it's because I feel I've invested a lot into her financially & emotionally. I made a vow not to bail on her & a personal commitment that I was going to be the person to show her there is someone that would always have her back. I don't like giving up on people without giving my best effort. There's always a spectrum so it has been me trying to guage if she has narcissistic tendencies or if she's just gone where theres no hope.
I've also never dealt with someone I considered a legit narcissist & have spent the past couple months trying to come to terms with the fact people like this not only exist, but that they will never change. I'm a fixer by nature so it's hard to just accept that.
Although at this current point I suppose the only question that should matter is how she makes me feel. Some days great other days awful. I've been pulling back since I first made my comment to you because the good days have been fewer & farther between. The anxiousness, trust issues, confusion, & stress she can bring out in me simply isn't worth it. If anything I'm usually too trusting of others so it's not me being overly paranoid.
She lives a good 3 hours away so I haven't visited her. I offered to go on my one day off to help out once. Her simple 3 word reply of "come on over" (followed by silence the rest of the day) as if she's just a few blocks away irritated me. I mean if she's alone, can't get around well from her condition, & has no vehichle (all of which she claimed) I would have been estatic someone offered to do that.
She knows damn well I live on the other side of the state. The reason I wanted to visit though was to one see if her condition is as bad as she makes it out to be & secondly to get a better sense of how she reacts if I start pushing her buttons. I wanted to know if she was going to be worth my effort. The fact I didn't even feel she was worth the drive to find that part out kind of told me all I needed to know. Respect to anyone who read all this. Sorry for the length.
[I'm very sorry to hear about your mother & all the stress you & the rest of your family is forced to deal with. I'm almost losing my mind dealing with someone who lives 3 hours from me & my experience pales in comparison to yours. So I can only imagine the turmoil you've been forced to deal with your entire life. I wish you & your family the very best.]
Remember When you talk to a narcissist your not communicating with the everyday person.
You are communicating to their super ego.
Don't treat them like a normal person.
Or a person at all, after all the word “humanity” describes more than the word “ human”…narcs qualify for “human” biologically but “humanity” is something they will never have “
1
: compassionate, sympathetic, or generous behavior or disposition : the quality or state of being humane” because they have no empathy and see themselves not as one of other humans but rather apart from, better than, godlike etc. They may as well be an alien or an intelligent trained animal waiting together someone alone to eat them because it makes them feel much more godlike. Well I hope the evil alien mothership comes for them soon because they aren’t human. A small part of them used to be, maybe a small scared, shriveled barely alive 5% of them that’s kept locked deep down….that part is horrific and sad. I mortified my family x once and it was the saddest 10 minutes of witnessing this remaining bit of humanity. It wanted to die and I wanted it for her…then the narc recovered and took everything I loved and had worked for, the people I loved most, my innocence and ignorance. Fuck em
1:00:56
Having grown up in a narcissistic, psychopathic and predatory environment this teaching is gold to me. 💜Magnificent. I agree on all points. So powerful, helpful and well done. Love your style of teaching and that you share your invaluable knowledge with humor.
to every person with npd, you got this i believe in you, progress isnt linear and takes time. you are deserving of recovery. you are loved and those people are willing to support you! ❤
thank you sir I am a full blown narcissist, I understood every second, I used to be such ah happy person but I had people trying to crush me, while at the same time my mom helping me be confident, it destroyed my personality and my ego, but I think I'm smart enough now to do this treatment myself ( spoken like a true narcissist) but I'm glad I realized the root of my issues and I will come out a better person eventually thank you :)
All too relatable my man. It’s one thing to admit being a narcissist but to seek treatment is a beast in and of itself. Don’t ever give up. That happiness isn’t gone forever.
I’m with ya Brother. I’ve just finally realised what’s going on. May I ask what paths to recovery you have found helpful?
@@kanemclaren5991 Jesus Christ became my patental guidance he talked about, in order to heal. Im still healing but its been a good ten years of slow but steady progress. Best of luck and God bless!
@@Fistfury42 thanks for responding. Agreed. Spiritual revelation and practice seems to be one of the very few remedies and solutions.
As they say “be careful what you wish for”
Well I prayed, meditated and asked to be shown the cause of my suffering and the suffering I cause others and bam! found my way to HG Tudor. Incredible (and to be honest, a bit relieving) to finally be able to comprehend and unpack this mysterious box of maladaptive behaviour. I wish you well on your Journey✌🏼
🙏🏻 praying for y’all ...it is brave to realize and then even braver to make the steps and do the work to heal 🙏🏻
"Don't rise too high" was a lightbulb moment for me.
Me too!!!
@@d.williams6783 Yes. Heaven forbid kids and their ideas/thoughts become too "lofty".
@@robinrevell5873 Oh dear! Exactly the same here! I am 54 and still my mother critizes that I have a Master in Biology. "You never knew where your place was." Her words. I never understood why I have parents who always wanted me small, unsuccessful, poor and stupid. Why the worst crap was still too good for me. Now I understand. They are both narcs who made my life miserable.
@@d.williams6783 Oh my, that was exactly the phrase in my family as well. For me it wasn't just my mom that kept pushing me back down but two much older sisters, that were more functionally like close aunts than sisters, as well... it was a real theme in our family.
Explains perfectly why my narc ex started getting the same probs she formerly had with me only now with our kids once they got to a "better" secondary school than she visited. 🙄
This is one of the clearest and actually, most compassionate descriptions of NPD I have come across. I work as a counsellor with, more specifically, women who struggle with codependency issues. They are often participants in online communities that demonise NPD, and have very split reactions to their "Narcs". Obviously relationship with NPD is painful and dangerous, but serves sometimes to deflect the attention from the cleints' own issues. Your description of point 5 is exactly the work I find myself doing with my clients- externalising the superego and building the ego through exploring philosophy and values. Also with myself! Thank you for sharing this.
"Nobody coming" hit hard. I have been diagnosed with CPTSD but I am having to be honest with everyone including myself that I am a narc. I need to be held accountable and cannot act out as a baby. THANK YOU for offering this information to help heal narcs and to stop further hurt towards their victims.
Everything is possible with God 🙏🏿😇
How can you label a person who has CPTSD BE A NARCISSIST?? They are simply wanting to heal in the place of non stop gaslighting and abuse. I walked away.. to heal and I have compassion towards them and I will no longer be a sacrificial lamb for their alter
@Flyfreenow I got assessed by a psychiatrist and in the end they said I had autism and cptsd. They said I don't have narcissistic personality disorder. The ego centric part of autism had me thinking I was a a hole
I realized today that I am a covert narcissist. And thanks to this video, I also realized that I have already, in a way, started my journey to healing. I cannot describe how it feels like to finally understand why you have been hurting all your life. My pendulum has been swinging so violently from one side to the other that even I myself haven´t been able to keep up with it. I don´t know if I can ever really recover, but I sure as hell will try my all. I am sick and tired of hurting myself and others over and over again.
KiwiStyle hy
This is wonderful ❣️❣️👍 good job
Did u manage to change any behaviour workout treatment
How’s your healing going ?
Hi , did you see any progress, any recovery ??
It’s makes a lot of sense as to why they don’t change their behaviour or feel remorse when they see how much they hurt you. A healthy person would feel awful if they acted badly, they’d want to make it better and never hurt that person again. A narc is unhealthy and usually feels more sorry for themselves when they’ve hurt someone and blames the other person for leaving. Thanks for clearing my head and making me see clearer!
Strangely, my ex called me today from a different phone number and asked "do you think we could start talking again"? That is something a teenager would say in my opinion. When I told him NO, he hung up on me. He is 38 years old and this tells me he is never going to grow up or change. You have helped me so much figuring out what the heck was wrong with this man I fell in love with and the healing process from a narcissist relationshit!
I always come back to this video and a few others when I’m slipping. I have high narcissistic traits but didn’t realise it until my relationship ended after almost 8 years and a LOT of fights. Working with my therapist I finally started to see the light. I can see what caused my traits, what has been keeping them there (strangely thought I got this from my dad but I’m 99% sure this is my mum now)
I’m also seeing how my ex ended up codependent with borderline traits, highly narcissistic mother who is constantly competing with her, treats her like a friend and isn’t emotionally there for her.
I really beat myself up for months and months thinking I was a terrible human and had no hope, I do think I have made massive strides towards improving and feel a lot more connected to other people. I see how when I reached out to family members when I was struggling they were actually keeping me where I was and as my therapist says “you’ll never heal that wound asking for it from your parents because they couldn’t do it the first time”
I’ve felt constant guilt throughout my life and when I started to improve each time I ended up running back to the family. I felt I owed them a debt, for being anxious and ill, I’ve had money taken from me when I wasn’t earning myself but as my dad said “you said this was my wage so I want paying” even though brexit had happened, he wasn’t working any hours and I wasn’t even taking a salary from my business at that time. I was often told “if it wasn’t for you we would be off doing other things and happy” and when I confronted my parents and said I needed you when I was a kid, I was shit scared, crying, anxious and you just threatened me and drove me to the middle of nowhere and threatened to abandon me if I didn’t stop crying and go to bed. It didn’t dawn on me some of the abuse that happened when I was a kid until about 8 years into therapy, I just thought I was a bad kid and a burden.
Anyone suffering on the cptsd spectrum hold tight and try to unravel all of the stuff that you went through as a kid, I didn’t even realise it was wrong. Only as I stepped back I saw how enmeshed and unhealthy my family was and for 38 years I thought I caused it.
Keep up the good work
Danny (recovering narcissist )
Wooow that sooo courageous of uuuu,,,, how u got convinced that’s there is something wrong with u and u need therapy,,, usually nars dont ever admit it nor see it 😢
Thank you for sharing this, man.
Hi Danny. I can relate a lot with your past childhood. Although never physically abandoned in a place or asked to go to bed, there was a hum of “if you don’t do..., this will happen”. I think I cowered most of my school days and only in college when I got a little more freedom to be myself.
Hope you’re doing well in therapy. Not sure when I’ll ever start mine.
Well done for being so advanced in your recovery.. debt, bad kid and burden... yeah, I believed it too
Keep up the good work
In my family, the narcissists have a severe fear of abandonment, and accuse people of being and doing what they hate about themselves, and shame is a big theme with them.
that's bpd i think (well sounds more like it)
Babies always look to adults to see if they should cry! That's so true. It's a challenge, but if the parent can chill even if an injury LOOKS bad, often it's not and the kid is fine. 😄
So glad you are making accessible what Institutions of Psychology hold as too mysterious and precious to be shared with the ordinary consumer. Based on your discussion of ego parts, I highly recommend Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems Therapy which identifies and integrates different parts of self. Would love your take on it. From a U.S. therapist in the trenches.
Hi Susan, when it comes to psychology I’m very much for the redistribution of (intellectual) wealth. Many have recommended him over the years and the snippets I’ve seen look great, if I get time I’ll look into it.
Well done for hanging in there. Your services will certainly be needed in the next few years we face!
There is no one like him on RUclips. Not even Dr. Ramani comes close to the wealth of information that Richard Grannon provides.
Omg I'm only 6 minutes in but so far a resounding yes. Since I started reading "From Surviving to Thriving" I felt that my former partner has CPTSD and his narcissist tendencies stemmed from his childhood trauma. My lack of self-love also comes from my own trauma. We are mirrors for one another's mental health issues. I cannot wait to listen to the rest. Thank you!
You're onto something!!! I've been watching video after video looking for the answers to what my narcissist has tried explaining to me about his rages....which is remarkable that this even takes place because narcissists are said not to ever question themselves.. After one of his rages which he usually snaps out of once he sees me finally break down and start crying. Its like he wakes up overwhelmed with emotions that to me seem like fear, confusion, and regret or shame. He says that he doesn't know why his mind works the way it does but its almost like OCD kicks in when he wants something and he becomes obsessed with whatever it is and he is unable to ignore it until he gets it. He says that his brain tortures him... these words mean that narcissists have the ability to fight for their true selves!
From 5 years of experience and continuing I can confirm that until he gets whatever I say no or set a boundary against he drives himself insane sometimes for days or within minutes depending on my emotional state and how long I can stand firm in my decision. There is a small amount of love bombing but mostly devaluing. In these moments its like a child throwing a temper tantrum but with a vulgar adult vocabulary. This goes hand in hand with what you said "I dont know why I want it but I want it and I want it from you" ....thanks for sharing, I'm headed for a breakthrough!
This has been the most insightful video about psychology I have recently seen.
Just by not framing a Narcissist as essentially a bad person who needs to be "gray stoned" or ignored/avoided like other experts say, but someone who needs help somehow from the bottom. Not implying that it will work, but everything starts with basic understanding of the other/self then we build up.
Like a comment I saw below, came here to discover more about my partner when, in reality, I learned way more about myself.
Plus, a personal confirmation (insight) that philosophy may be the essence of life.
Please, let us know how you went back and paid a price because of this video which appeals to the broken hearts of those on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse.
Thank you for this video. It was brilliant as was the last one on co dependency. Hats off to you , I can see the sincerity in you of wanting to help people. May you always be happy and at peace
As always Richard gives the most accurate, clearest and fairest explanations. We are in an age where we have access to information and can really start to learn and understand just what is going on for a lot of people and why. Thank goodness we can rely on an authentic source here.
This is by far the best video I have seen on this subject. I always felt sorry for my narc when he was at his worst. He wears his childhood wounds on his sleeve and doesn't even know it. I wish happiness and healing for him
"Sorry it was so long"...
...mmmmm...???...i could have watched this for hours.
Thank you Richard...terrific.
I hate to see it end also!
Yes excellent video, really engaging person.
I learned much later in life babies actually recognized facial expressions very early. Will always try to make mum and da feel better. Even joining their hands together to unite them. Babies are just pure love and know instinctively what it should not only appear to be, but the vibe/body language and also facial expressions even on the micro scale
I think that your video saved my life, thank you so so much Richard, I don't feel tormented anymore, I understand my problem and I believe that I can heal, thank you
I've lived with the narcissistic behavior of my mate for 13 yrs and I totally agree with you. It's so difficult! Thank you for sharing. Your helping me to break through the brick wall of victimization. There's so much gas lighting going on, it's sometimes hard to grasp. 👍 🌼
i feel i am the scape goat in my family . .I also like you have been co dependant , and had a string of bad relationships . God bless you for helping people it is so great to see a genuine person who is not appearing on you tube for his own ego
Now my favorite You tube video ever. It explains this better than anyone ever has to me. Takes away the anger, mine and helps me see what I felt in him all along.
I was so glad to see this because there are certain doctors and professionals on-line who have so much animosity towards them but no answers for them, although they admit that narcissism is a personality disorder. I refuse to listen to them - anyone can whine but if you are a trained professional, provide some solutions please.
This is a rare video that I need. I am a narcissist and I wanted to change my personality and behavior. Thank you for taking the time in making this video
You are the FIRST ever to speak the truth about what I have struggled to understand about being overweight as a form of protection (as in repulsive) from unwanted attention for my physical body.
Only today have I begun to have some sense of resignation that it is some form of "disordered" good (paradoxical/oxymoronic) state.
At my age and my state of physical decline I have not given up, but I am given out (exhausted) in the unrelenting struggle which is been so many times proven to beyond my ways and means.
Again and again, thank you and the gift you are and the gifts you are give which you give to us!!!
Jeanne I ve directly increases my weight after a sexual assault 18nonths ago. I knew in the bk of my mind I was doing it on some subconscious level, as for the same reasoning (unwanted attention socially. Mine was in shops, streets, etc) I would pick my skin or try to look awful in some manner of ways. I imagine it must have been hellish not knowing why we do these things to cover or hide our vulnerability until we feel better. Or acclimatise. Well done. I ve still got 2 dress sizes to drop. Just looks worse because I'm short lol. Take care and we'll done. ✌️❤️💪🙏🏴
If u havent, give clean keto a go
Takes 2 months of hell, but so worth it. Once i was fully adapted, i was nvr hungry n yet i started worrying about how fast i was losin weight! I was on the diet for medical reasons, paleoketo with AIP principles.
I just started it again
For me iv hidden myself n made myself unappealing baggy scruffy clothes hair no makeup masculine etc as well as picked my skin. Fullon self neglect xD
That too has had its long term consequences
I wont regrow my teeth xD
Yes, I did this too & also food seems to be the thing that made me feel good whilst eating. Now, at 52 went on Keto & fasting & it feels good. Such a shame, I wish I knew about it when I was younger.
This resonated deeply with me as well.
I had the same experience being overweight makes u look formidable and unappealing and is a form of protection. Oprah had an episode years ago about how more than 50% of abused children become overwt and obese adults. It has to do with the vagal inervation around mouth, the act of eating calms through the vagus, hence the subsequent drama in life. god bless you stay strong.
this video is absolutely amazing. A rare gem for truly helping those who have had childhood trauma.
This is where parenting education in society and the importance of early learning goes hand in hand I believe fond your video very informative thankyou.
Absolutely brilliant! It’s like demonic possession literally the evil super ego has to be exorcised.
Sometimes, its like music to listen to you Richard! This is such a video!
Great once again, and so good to listen to.
Ive met a lot of grownup "sad babys", really spoiled to have it their controlled ways, only, some parts of my life ;)
Got very tired on that. Co-deps and Narcs have had same sort of childhood wounds, but took it differently.
Its very clear, from all your vids. Great to listen, to someone, not so squared into one view only. Thanks
Thank you Richard: you are a pioneer in this area.
Absolutely
I firmly believe that narcissist behaviour can be altered. I have DID, and one of my personas is a narcissist. But that part of me has learned to „do the opposite of what she would naturally do“.
Thank you for this, you never see anything to help someone suffering from being a narcissist
While listening to what you were talking about philosophy, a thought came to my mind, that philosophy can be a form of reparenting yourself.
Love you Richard! I will never forget your buddy Sam Vaknin speaking of his early days of sadistic abuse at home - trying to make sense of it all attending University just a little child being put on the pe-dest'-al ....( what a total mind bender; I can not even imagine the pain & confusion) - Hell is for Children - and you're help in healing these traumas is more than this world can ever ask for. And we thank you!
I really appreciate the effort and thought that you put into this. In the first minutes of watching it I began to cry because I see myself on what you are describing. I know that I became a narcissist because I noticed this attitude from other people and I searched it before. I've been so cruel to other people, I notice myself doing it but I can't stop doing it for the past few months. I feel satisfied doing it and I feel that people don't deserve anything from me or in life. I get mad when they don't do what I wanted them to do, I will give them a cold shoulders. Always pointing fingers and never will be wrong. I love seeing people leaving no choice but to agree with me. I push them into their limits to get what I want. I see them as lower than I am and I put them down. I listen to respond. I get mad when being corrected because I feel that I am always right. I reflected it just today and I realize that I got this from constantly feeling that nobody appreciate for the things I do and no body helps me to do it. They're just watching me do it by myself. Especially my parents they give more thanks to my brother more than to me when in fact I did more chores in the house. I feel like nobody really understands me. I became agressive towards them. I tried to stop it but when if remember all the hurt that I once felt I can't stop myself from acting like it. Nevertheless, I just really want to say thank you for doing this kind of video just for free. You save someone's life by doing it. I'm glad that I found this. More power to you and your channel.
If you want to attempt healing get the book that he mentions (C-PTSD Surviving Through Thriving). It sounds like you have two very harsh critics (your “inner” and “outer” critics). You can learn to shrink these critics using the anger you were never allowed to express as a child, thought-stopping techniques, and grief work. You’re stuck in a critic-loop scenario. Your harsh inner critic causes you to strive for perfection, and because of this you resent those who don’t do this. Your outer critic is trying to save you from the dangerous feeling of socializing; your inner critic tells you how inadequate you are to socialize with people in the first place, which then causes the outer critic to remind you how horrible people are for causing you to feel so inadequate (when really it’s not others causing you to feel this way, it is coming from your outer critic). From you! But you blame others. This is why/how narcissists project their negative feelings on to others.
I'm 58 years old and have realized for the first time in my adult life that I have NPD. Someone recently told me I was narcissistic and of course anger kicked in, so I researched and yes , I am narcissistic. I cried and thought...is there a cure, what causes this and I've got to overcome this. Seeing this video has made me realize that growing up my siblings and I felt like burdens to our parents, and I realize this is why I long for flattery and attention, especially from my husband. I've always had low self esteem, and battled depression, moodiness and anger issues. I'm going to continue watching your videos and do some serious soul searching to overcome this yoyo of an existence. Thank you Richard.
Check out Dr. George Simon too then.
He's had great success with "character disturbed" individuals (as he calls them)
Good luck❤
Christi
You are not an NPD, NPD dont have self awareness whatsoever.
Not all narcissists are made by child trauma. There are many narcissists that just were praised all their life for artificial things and made to believe they deserve special treatment because they are better than everybody else.
that is trauma in and of itself. excessive praise is trauma. see Justin Bieber
@@CC-br9qg absolutely!
Honestly this was the most insightful helpful thing I've ever heard regarding my issues. As someone progressing through my cptsd/npd your insights on developing the ego are right on track with the therapy and self reflection I've been doing.
I've been experiencing a jealous attack from a supervisor at my job do to me persuing, only the idea, I shared with him, of a possible management position. After not understanding his, way overly, cruel and hurtful actions & words towards me, I researched possible reasons for these, unrealistic to me, actions & everything pointed to narcissism along with his hate for his parents & childhood. You are the first RUclipsr to address this issue like a good, decent human being who loves & wants to help others. I have not yet attempted to utilize your, angelic like hypothesis, but I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for trying help others to help & possibly save people's lives. 👍😎👍
Thank you for posting this video because it illustrates a lot of what I already know about my wife who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but never diagnosed as a narcissist for 32 years. I’ve been living with a narcissistic personality that she sometimes turns to from her normal personality, which is the most loving, kind woman, she is the most perfect wife and mother that you would ever want to meet but then this personality takes over and it is a narcissist personality. I never recognized this until now because I never knew what a narcissist was I have shared so much of her childhood trauma with her. And everybody tells me that I should just run away from her as fast as I can to get away from her and never go back. But I feel like nobody truly understands her the way I do.. and I know people will think it’s just because she has manipulated me and that she doesn’t truly care for me, but there is a part of her that I have seen beyond all the narcissistic and tendencies that she does and has. She was on medication for the borderline personality disorder.. and when she was on those medications, she did not switch over the personality. That is the narcissistic personality. And I think God that those medications work. But she hasn’t been medicated for quite a long time and there has been a lot that’s happened over the years. And she is currently separated from me with someone else and file divorce papers. Now I know people will say it’s time to leave. It’s time to give up and it’s time to walk away. But the thing is, I think she realizes how much pain that she has caused Used her family. And I also believe she is deliberately trying to move on and just because she doesn’t want to hurt her family any longer. Because she made the statement to one of our daughters that she was tired of hurting her family, and that was one of the reasons that she left.. she also stated the reason she left was because she was tired of all the arguing and fighting. Which she caused 99% of . And I’ve been watching a lot of these videos on RUclips about narcissist. And I’ve been reading and learning. And everything that I hear and I read immediately reminds me of my life with her. And it all starts to fall into place. I know the traumas that she sustained before me. I know that she has a borderline personality disorder, PTSD, anxiety disorder, bipolar, manic, depressive disorder. And now I know that she has a narcissistic personality disorder.. all the other disorders have been identified But I do not believe this narcissistic personality disorder has ever been documented on her. I so desperately want to help her. And I’m searching for ways to do so. Most people will probably call me crazy for even warning to try. Most everybody that knows me and her. Tells me I should just give it up. She is wanting to walk away from everything wants nothing. And to me, it is the greatest sacrifice and show of love that anyone can give to simply just walk away and cut ties because you are tired of hurting your family. Which is what she has expressed.
Let's say that as a kid, you're punished because you did something wrong but you don't understand what you did. No one ever talks to you about it or makes sure you understand it. The more you do "bad things" and get punished without understanding, you begin to feel that you're getting punished for being you and not what you did. No one tells you that making mistakes is human, and we all do it, you're just punished then life moves on like it never happened. Your family watches TV, laughs, goes to church, has dinner, no one apologizes (but you), no one asks how you're doing or what lesson you learned. On the flip side, you do something right and you're rewarded. This time you're talked to and time is given to explaining what you did right so you understand entirely. After years of the same, while your parents don't understand why you keep getting in trouble, you're being conditioned to believe that people are either all bad, or all good. You don't understand that there's a middle, that you can just be a normal, average person and you don't deserve to be abused for making mistakes. At the same time, you're being treated like you're both good and bad and at some point your brain can't take the cognitive dissonance and decides it has to choose. You obviously prefer the elation of doing the right thing over the shame of doing the wrong thing (who could blame you) so you decide you're good and that's that. This is one way, in my opinion, of course, narcissism is formed.
WOW. That got me thinking. Thank you.
I’m totally agree with your hypothesis. I do believe they can be healed .
I am sorry but I disagree. Lived with one for 28 years. Threw him out around 6-7 times, and they Never change
@Turquoise Cheetah yeah he changed for 3 or 4 months, then it was back to the old bullshit. This happened alot over the years. Had I known about narcissism back then, I would not have stayed in the marriage way back when. It's only when I filed last year, what I had been married to.
Richard, I am so grateful for discovering your work, it is a real gem for me. I was missing the "Part 3" in my awakening/healing journey so hard. Now everything has so much sense and logic. You have opened my eyes. Be more confident with your work, you are doing it really great. God bless you!
To everybody: Do not underestimate the power of the clear intention of someone to conscious/heal/grow.
Hey Alex. I'm from the Netherlands. Sorry for my bad English.. I hope you understand me. Buth do I understand it right that you are/were a narcist? And are you healed because of this video or something? Or am wrong?
Thanks for this video, I was diagnosed with narcissism some days ago so I've been looking for information about, and this video truly opened my eyes about this condition, also the last part was amazing, it's really not our desire to hurt others, it's just incidental, so it's time to stop all the shit that other videos and experts talk about us, and better try to find solutions for us and you are the only person in all RUclips that really brings an explanation that make sense and also show a path to find a solution that is actually posible to follow, I'm so thankful with you, from the bottom of my heart for this video, and I'm really committed to heal from this condition and really begin to have a real life experience, not the bizarre interpretations of my unregulated super ego.
how are you doing with the process? I think I'm a narcissist and I'm very scared
@@piagammariello3678 Did you experience hurting someone with words and only realize that is wrong after sometime? I can relate with the video. But I think if we fall in the na narc spectrum there is still a true feeling of guilt and shame. But toxic behavior sometimes seems automatic and it needs so much self awareness to do the right thing that we want to do.
Hi , did you see any progress, any recovery ??
Their parents never loved them. My God Richard, that's sad 😣. I have a 7 and a half year old boy who from day one for every day of his life I have kissed him and told him how much I love him. I cannot help myself, he is my boy 💙
Indeed. I don’t understand how parents don’t naturally love their children.
@@RICHARDGRANNON society
@@RICHARDGRANNON in my case it's inter-generational. don't know how it started though I wasn't around then.
That is so wonderful! I have a 7 year old boy and a girl who were abandoned by their father and I try to show and tell them I love them as much as I can. My boy is filled with so much love it amazes me...
@@vhayashi7369 👍❤💚💙
I have C-PTSD from having a narcissistic mother, and I have emotional flashbacks, that manifest as somatic pain, and I've had two episodes of dissociation, all of this was from information from my counselling sessions, that made me aware of what was happening, I was completely disconnected from my inner child, as I was never allowed to show any emotions, if I did I would be physically and mentally punished for doing so, so I pushed all of my emotions deep down inside myself, which then physically hurt myself instead, and they came back out as physical pain, somatic pain, so I had to learn my emotions, what each of them are as an adult, which was extremely difficult, but I have nearly completed all of that work. And in regards to right and wrong, when I was a very small child, I made the decision that whatever she did was wrong, then the opposite of that must be correct, and that's how I survived when I was a child.
you really get this stuff like no one else I've listened to. Thank you Richard
I totally love all of this. We can absolutely rebuild ourselves with mental discipline. I've done it - on my own, with the support of my spiritual community, over the last 4 years. Learning that I am not my emotions and that I get to choose how I respond to and think about things kept me from burning down my entire life.
This gave me more clarity as I have have been struggling with doubts about the turmoil in my 4 month marriage. I was discarded...he filed for divorce. I knew he had childhood trauma and struggled emotionally. I experienced the idealization and devaluation in such a short time. So confusing and disheartening...and I still feel bad for him...I know I need to focus on my own healing...
phenomenal, amazing, I now understand so much more about the ex and his behaviours. This is also so sad for the narcs, I didn't expect to feel sympathy but I do, whilst still being relieved I escaped :D
Omg same!
People must have told you , I reiterate, you've done your homework. Thank you for choosing this direction.👏
I hope narcissists listen this vlog so that they will heal and their life will become better and they won't hurt other people again.
Disinterested Mother that demanded to be called Dorothy and Father who confided in me at a young age that he didn't know how to deal with her, and then love was only about performance in anything, to the point that when I asked my sister in law she said I was a 'solutionist'. Now I have retired that doesn't work, as that expression of Love has no meaning to my very real wife. Thank you for this year's work which I take on. DP
What about the love between you and your father?
Brilliant: one comment I heard from a N: this therapy is for weak minded people, I laughed through the whole session of therapy’
My response: I nod and pay for the wasted session- but only once
This is brilliant thanks so much I thought there's no hope.. I'm cptsd and he's narcissist cptsd due to childhood trauma. We're both aware and trying to work on it to be together.
I really believe if I’m not a narcissist, I definitely have a lot of the tendencies. I can relate to almost everything he’s saying. I’ve been working so so hard to change the way I behave and treat others. Thank you for posting!!
That made a few puzzle pieces fall into place, Richard. Thanks very much for sharing this knowledge, appreciate it mate.
You are unbelievable right omg! I have started this "ego fixing" on my own intuition for a while now. Thank you so much for this video. I must say tiny improvement starts showing.
I watched this video without a blink of an eye, thinking that it cannot be longer than 20 minutes. I looked at the tab and it showed the 49th minute.. and I was already crying. I am the narcissist, not the victim. I started to laugh at some of the things you said for them being so much on point, but that laughter turned into a stressful shaking, then to breathing depression, and then to full blown crying. Richard, every sentence you utter in this video is unbelievably on point, and I believe watching this has already changed my life.. Thank you for all the efforts and the immense thinking you put in this video, I'm shocked and terrified at the same time. Still wiping my tears btw... Thank you
I'm so grateful that someone is looking at a narcissist from a place of compassion instead of all the others videos that just condemn them I am a narcissist in recovery and it's hard to find help like this.
This is one of your best videos! Thanks Richard, this is helping! Greets from Romania and Berlin
My mom never praised me no matter my accomplishments.. it's so anazing... it took me 16 years of great depression to finally heal...
Now I'm 44... I was in the dark for years...
Now I'm ready to be in my next chapter of books in my life... it took me so long.
Danielle S. blessings to you !!!
👍👏🙏🙏🙏
I remember when my Dad died, it was a car accident, very quick I was in so much trauma. I tried to comfort my Mom, she said, I loved my father more than I loved her. I remember being gobsmacked, it was so untrue and inappropriate at that moment, after the accident. I believe she couldn't understand the grief, she had just lost her codependent.
By far the BEST info on NPD I’ve ever heard. Thank you!
I cried when I found this video. I have 2 NPD's in my life, an ex and a current boyfriend and of course, being an empath, have never been able to just accept that they are sick, demonized people that I should just give up on. I suffer from C-Ptsd so I understand where they are coming from and your video just confirmed a lot of the things my intuition has told me about them and it gives me hope that I can at least live with a better understanding of their condition and act accordingly and maybe someday they will be open to learning how to heal themselves. In the meantime, this information will help me to act differently in response to their behaviors and with more compassion and understanding.
Yep. Our parents hated us. Sucks but it's true.
Yeah, I didn't feel good about that part, but it's true
@@yeswing10 yes. Sad but better to see them clearly for what they really are imo.
It's not the worst thing in the world... We don't need them.
Makes more sense than love provoking feelings of wanting to die.
@@junelledembroski9183 omg lol. Savage truth
Im a physcology major and my goal when I finally earn my degree is to put more focus on narcissism and make the world realize this is an issue and these people can be helped but they need to want help and need to realize they have an issue...
If you ever have a free moment I would love to maybe talk to you or communicate with you via email or how ever to get some of your ideas and veiw points for a thesis paper
My Vulnerable Narc made me realize that Narcissism is a more severe version of Codependency. Therefore, I think it can be treated similar way. I’m a Codependent and here is a list of similarities:
1) Damaged fragile self esteem/shame (afraid to say no, have to pretend for people to like and accept you)
2) Need love and validation for self esteem (external sourse)
3) Enmeshed relationship
4) Idealization and discard. Trying to change a person into your fantasy and then become disappointed (I know many codependents that idealized their parnter)
5) High sensitivity
6) Addictions
It’s the shame that needs to be addressed and cured in both cases
I know that Inner critic work definitely helped me with my self esteem
Richard, thanks for making this video. I’m three quarters the way through the video and feel I just have to say that so far you are describing me exactly.
After a traumatic experience a few days ago and a massive row with my wife of 46 years, I’m trying to find a way forward for my NPD.
Thanks again
I'm a codependent that was involved with a narcissist. I'm so glad I found these videos because I did connect with the narcissist on a human level. He did tell me after a 3 year passionate relationship that he wasn't going to lie to me and tell me he loved me, he couldn't even tell me he liked me. He also told me that he couldn't trust and he would never be happy. He done so much crap that I went no contact 8 months ago. If I ever have to seem him again, I'm wondering if he would want to know he's a narcissist. Some parts of my relationship with him was talking with him about his childhood trauma. When I went no contact I felt like I disowned my child. I should hate this person but instead I have pity on him. I won't take him back but I don't think it's fair that he was abused as a child. I don't know if it's wise to try and get him help buy I do think I should show and tell him about this video so maybe he can understand himself.
Thank you for theses wonderful video, I'm sure your education helps educate people on this disorder.
If you continue to help him it might hurt him if you truly have no intention of going back to him. Just an idea.
It’s not your job, it’s his. Women needs to stop giving too much.
It could help him, only if he trys to get you back in his life and tell him, you will only consider it if he watches some of these videos.. I don't know, that may sound like bribery or manipulation, but after the pain he caused you, it just may be the karmic lesson he needs.🙏💙☮️💕
Relationships with narcissists can work. But it has to be the right chemistry. I would say that my narcissism is a state of mind that gets triggered in certain situations. As long as your partner does not trigger you then it’s fine.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate someone else saying that. I don't know what's best in your case. In my case, it would probably be absolutely useless but I have the same instinct. Good luck.
Yes I’ve seen the pendulum swing with the grandiose narc. Wow, this made CPTSD, Codependency and Narcissism make so much sense now. Thank you!!!!!
Richard, you do not have any competition, your superlativety is unmatched, thank you so much.