What Not To Say To An Adoptee: Part 1
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
- Finally, a survey by an Adoptee for Adoptees!
The Adoptee Experience Survey was designed to bypass the typical bias inherent in surveys conducted by adoption agencies, their representatives, government agencies, and other nonadoptees to capture an accurate representation of the collective experience of participating Adoptees. The information gathered will be used to educate nonadoptees on what it means to grow up and live as an Adoptee and to empower the Adoptee community.
This survey, for Adoptees only, can be found here: crypticomega.t... - Works best in Chrome.
This survey is anonymous. At no time does it ask for identifying information such as names, email/ip/mailing addresses, etc. However, duplicate responses are made apparent in order to filter out manipulation attempts.
There is no age limit. The only limitation is the Adoptee must be willing and able to complete the survey on their own without interference.
This survey contains 45 questions. Some questions may not apply to you and are not required to complete the survey. There are "Other" answer selections available throughout the survey in which you are invited to provide more information about your individual experience.
So far over 750 Adoptees have participated in the survey. Open and closed adoptions; transracial and intraracial; transnational, domestic, and First Nations Adoptees have responded. Individuals from 30 different nations have expressed interest.
The results from the survey will be made public after the survey has run its course and the data has been sorted. At the end of the survey there are three comment questions. If you'd like to be contacted, please leave your contact information in your response to one of these questions.
The most recent survey update may be found here: crypticomega.tu...
Every Adoptee’s experience is important. Please take the time to let your voice be heard and share this survey with our fellow Adoptees.
Thanks!
About this video: I'm not talking about the loss of my birthmother in this video because, frankly, I'm tired of crying. That & after the show of support from so many people I really wanted to do something to give back. This video is the first in a series, hopefully, that will talk about situations & conversations from the perspective of an adoptee.
In this video:
- Dismissing an adoptee's narrative with religion
- Dismissing an adoptee's narrative in favor of their adoptive/birth parents
- Trips to the Doctor's office & the importance of medical histories
- Incest.... Really?
- Adoptees are not puppies
- Celebrating trauma: It's a no-no
- Adoptees being able to making their own decisions, associations, & have their own feelings
- Thinking less of an adoptee
Family history is 'a bigger risk factor than lifestyle' for some cancers: www.medicalnews....
REALLY appreciate adoptees who are out there telling our truth. We need our voices heard, not the adopters or everyone else who thinks they can speak for our experiences!
I second that.
"wow your parents went all the way to Russia to adopt you?! They must be such incredible people!" .....this always grinds my gears. My adoptive parents are fabulous, don't get me wrong, but I hate when people praise the adoptive parents as heroes who went out of their way to rescue a child, the adoptee. I HATE this.
Yeah, that sucks. Bottom line is, adoptive parents are just the same as other parents, they want a baby/ child and went and got one. It puts adoptees in this horrible position of having to be grateful for something that every child needs and deserves.
Also, on an even darker note, the idea that all adoptive parents are 'saints' covers up child abuse, in that people can't believe that an adoptive parent would abuse a child they 'wanted so much'.
It makes you feel like a second class citizen to be told that.
+leopard prints absolutely! Well said
Yeah it's missing the point. The real work of supporting and healing an adopted child just begins at that point, it's a long process and some of it is way more challenging than getting on a plane. A business trip doesn't make someone a hero for getting on a plane either. Adoption is acceptance, not doing a favour.
@@leopardprints true.
Im adopted, have been since i was born. I have had someone tell me,
"You don't have problems. You are in a great family. You're fine. There's nothing wrong with you."
Yeah, constantly battling severe depression, panicking all the time about it people like me, and always thinking my own loving fiance is going to leave me all the time because my own mother and father didn't want me, is totally not a problem. -_-
Its a big problem!!!!!
Thanks for your video.... much needed. There's soooo much ignorance around adoption pain And so much insensitivity by those who comment on it.
+enchantedwood I agree
I'm an adopted mother of a 34 yro who's now a father himself. " Some one that looks like me" he said.
Please have more videos like this. Adoptees need this, of course the mother & the adoptive parents too.
Their humans Not puppies. And people have said insane shit to my son growing up about " how lucky he was to have us for parents". Really messed up crap that takes it's toll in sO many ways.
Blessings to all. Peace
Thank you very much for your insight. We are foster parents heading down a possible adoption route with our current child...this has given us a lot of food for thought. Thanks for sharing and for starting a dialogue.
I remember my cousin (from my adoptive family) said: hey my daughter looks just like you.
And his mom said: WTH she's has nothing to do with your daughter, she doesn't have our blood.
It really hit me.. I'll never forget about it..
The quote of "I wish I were adopted," was one that I had heard people say to me also. At the time, I didn't think of it, but I can tell that it is very offensive to us adoptees. As for "being chosen," I have heard that so often!! That is probably the most common thing that people say to adoptees.
Hi all. As a 49 year old adoptie I've come to the understanding that all people have suffered or suffering trauma. They say and do things that can be pretty shity at times wether knowingly or not. Don't let someone else's judgement affect you unless you can truly believe their intentions have your best interests in mind. Don't bend to others will or spend your life being a people pleaser. You can be anything you want to be. Stop judgement and take responsibility for your own actions. You can reprogram. The coping skills that don't serve you any more and extreme emotional reactions you have can change. When you think or do something errational ask yourself to justify that action. Be honest with yourself and amazing things can happen over time. Don't ever think you are worthless. You have the ability to truly emperthise and help with others in simular situations. A gift I would never trade. Love to all.
Hi, I was adopted from Romania when I was a 1year and a half, I went their last year and met my family for the first time I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers.
If you would like to hear my story comment on this I might do a video.
I never Felt complete Buț Now i do
Love this...! Some of these people's experiences are mind blowing! Thank you for making this video! It's nice to have some things in common with a variety of other viewers!
God's plan is something people say when they don't know what to say. You can't have free will and a plan at the same time. Keep religion out of adoption and acknowledge that it is adults making decisions on what to do with kids who are not going to stay kids.
Yep
Brilliant, Cryptic Omega!! Well said!!
You’re awesome, fellow adoptee were all family
Thank you for making this!!!!
I really like this but just want to point out that not all adoptees are adopted at birth and do know some medical information about their families
Support the Adoptee Citizenship Act - S. 2275 action.18mr.org/aca-2015/
Ugh the double standard for adoptees is so insane. The things people say to adoptees or adoptive families they would NEVER say to birth families/biological children. The whole aren't you afraid something will be wrong? IDK aren't you afraid your bio child will have something wrong lol? Like you said, people are people and we are all a mix of both our genetics AND our environment. I agree too I hate the whole or is this your ADOPTED son? No, this is my SON. Family is family. Also parents are parents...there are no 'real' parents....there are birth parents and adoptive parents yes, but like....adoptees have two sets of parents (assuming the adoptive parents are a couple). both...and.
I'm a medical student, and I'm just wondering how I can be sensitive and supportive to adoptees will who come into my office with no family medical history?
I think we are fine with saying we don't know our history. it's a little embarrassing though.
That is not what he meant.
Keep speaking up about it. I have serious health issues and no family medical records. Well, I have maternal now but still not paternal. Keep bringing it up in board meetings. Make EVERYONE read A Hole in My Heart by Lorraine Dusky.
Just found out last week I have stage 2 brain cancer
As an adoptee, I can verify that I have had psychological issue for years. I have an MBA, served in the Army, a nice house and a wife, yet I feel like an outsider in most places. I did DNA research and paid investigators, until I found where I'm from. I felt awesome for an hour, then I started not sleeping, having panic attacks, etc. Peace
I was adopted when I was a few days old, and met my birth mother on my fifteenth birthday. I cut off communication with her about a year ago, but within the year before that sometime she told me that she thinks my self-esteem would be a lot stronger had she not given me up. I can't even begin to explain how that impacted me. It made me so angry that she had the nerve to acknowledge how her giving me up impacted me negatively in such a flippant way. I was so sad at how accurate and relevant her statement was, that it probably carried so much truth to it. If she hadn't given me up I definitely would have a stronger self-esteem, at least in the sense that I would have a stronger sense of self. It also made me upset to hear her say that because I felt as though she was invalidating or attacking my adoptive parents. And all at the same time I felt ashamed at myself for not having a higher self-esteem because I've been told so many times that adoption is a good thing. Really? This "good thing" has caused me nothing but identity issues, anger, and very serious relationship issues. I understand that my birth mother was acknowledging her own guilt and shame in relation to giving me up by accepting responsibility for my lack of self-esteem. She may have even felt it would have been a helpful thing for me to hear but, in all honesty, it just made me want to scream, "WELL IF YOU THINK THAT WHY DID YOU GIVE ME UP IN THE FIRST PLACE?" Adoption.....sigh.
Taniesha Catherine its really such a crap shot huh? Adoptees feel rejection and identity issues, birth mothers feel guilt and shame and adoptive parents think its "gods will" and a better life. The adoptee and birth mother get the short end of the stick while adoptive parents are disillusioned
I am sorry you went thru that! Thanks for sharing it hear. I can't even begin to imagine what that felt like to hear those words from her. Glad your lending YOUR unique voice to this conversation. IT iS Needed!
My adopted mom told me that my grandmother warned her not to adopt me because "There would be something wrong with my Genes."
That hurt! Don't ever say that to someone. Let us all show Love in action to one another.
I'm so sorry you had to hear that. I can't believe your mom TOLD you she said that. That is so crass and hurtful and there was no need for you to have that living in your head now. I'm sorry. If my mom said that about my child I think I would have a hard time not absolutely raging and keeping her from contact with my child.
Good thoughts...some I hadn't thought of. How about..."you were chosen". Yes...second choice feels great.
Smart adoptive parents weather the years of the child's healing, if they need to and one day they will be fully loved and accepted back as much as they loved the child that way. It's a longer payoff but it's very valuable. It's real human connection.
I was with an adoptive family and it was more like a boarding school, sadly this did not help my life.
"If I was aborted I wouldn't have known now would I?" is the answer I give when they ask me that stupid question about if I would have rather I had been aborted.
I am the mom of a magical 2year old who came home through adoption when he was 3weeks old. I could not love anyone or anything more and want more than anything for him to know how incredible he is (because he truly is). I cannot unadopt him and have his biological parents parent him so my question to adoptees is, how do I support his pain and trauma and yet not let him live solely in pain trauma. I do have to guide him along. Cryptic, to your point, I was raped as a child, physically abused for years, lost my dad to a car accident, lost my dearest sister to child birth and have had some really shitty things happen to me but I still look at my life as blessing by choice because I also did not watch everyone I know blown to bits in some war torn country or get blinded so I’d make for a better child begger or have acid thrown in my face for not wanting to be a child bride, which is the reality of some folks today.. I am not adopted and cannot relate to that particular loss or trauma and would love to know how to help my incredible 2year old son handle his loss so that IT doesn’t become the driver of his life. I’m humbled and cannot imagine the pain of an adoptee. I’ve found some great videos about what not to say and trying to learn what to say.
Thank you for this video. People need to know.
I found out I was adopted when I was 46yrs old.It has been such a shock. I have found out a lot about adoption since then and experienced the trite comments people make. I hate "you were better off" who knows really whether I would or would not have been.The fact is that my mother was drugged and tied to a hospital bed to extract an adoption consent /She didnt have a choice. I was taken straight to an adoptee ward on birth and she was taken to a diferent hospital. I was adopted under the 6 weeks that she was able to "change her mind" and my records were marked for adoption in Feb I was born in May and my mpther had no intention of having me adopted. Thaqnks for the videos I can relate to them
It's always a trauma to be taken away from your biological parents! That pain should never be minimized, even in cases where the parent is incapable or abusive and should not be raising that child, it's still traumatizing because, the child always loves the parent and there is nothing wrong with that!
I'm not an adoptee but I grew up in foster care and was very traumatized being taken away from my mom as well as abused in foster care. My mom was not abusive but was disabled. She sought help from the state and instead of helping my mom, they just took me! For whatever reason, they thought my mom had abused me and was shocked when I confronted them about why they thought I was afraid of her. I said, "why would I be afraid?"... and they never responded with an answer lol.
I am a Christian and do believe in a plan but sometimes, adults make bad decisions and things happen to children that AREN'T meant to happen however strength can come out of it! This doesn't mean I haven't had and still don't have a lot of anger at times with the state! Even as a 40 year old woman now, I go into angry modes and want to sue the hell out of them! Sometimes I go into deep suicidal depressions while other times, I go into homicidal modes LMAO but would never bring myself to the brink. I just hate that they had tunnel vision, taking me out of a non-abusive home and put me in abusive foster homes! They also thought my dad sexually molested me even though he hadn't yet, there wasn't any shortage of sexual abuse in the foster home!
I truly hope that you have the love and support you deserve despite the loss! I would never think that rape or an abusive childhood is a plan of God but it's the outcome that sometimes turns into something better such as us becoming stronger people or meeting people we would never have met such as friends/spouses. Of course, there's always the idea of having not met people we may have met in the other life too!
I know not everybody becomes stronger or, if they do, they struggle for years before they do! I am the latter! I am someone who although a Christian who does not blame God, still struggles with understanding reasons and trying to becoming stronger!
My journey is a daily battle and I understand both sides! I have severe depression, OCD and anxiety!
Maybe your mom could have raised you and should have or maybe putting you up for adoption saved your life somehow! Putting Christianity aside, I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that your life may be better for it, but only you can truly decide if your life is better for it! I hope you found strength in this life and that my post was respectful and uplifting for you! I love your personality and you seem artistic! Don't know if you are, but you just come across as such. Iam too! Sorry this was so long! I didn't plan it. I just couldn't stop thinking LMAO...... one of the downfalls to having clinical OCD haha
I'm a adoptee I was adopted at birth and abandoned at age 3 lived on the streets from age 3 to age 7 got rescued then went from foster home to foster home group home to group home then got adopted a second time then got abandoned again as a adult trying to get re-adopted all my adoptions were closed adoptions my faith is running I'm switching homes every two years right now at least I'm on my own two feet with a little bit of dignity
Fabulous video. Very insightful. i learned so much. You are brilliant snd well-spoken.
Thank you
from an adoptive mom
Thank you for putting this together and for your first video. I too found m Biological family last year and the fact that my BM had passed away of terminal cancer. She never told anyone in her family that I existed and she flew to the island of PR to give birth to me via C section at 7 months pregnant. She left me there and I was "adopted" by a Puerto Rican family that raised me. I was told about my adoption at age 26! I had lot's of questions growing up, not looking like anyone but it was a secret everyone kept from me.
Now that I found my biological family in the US and have 7 siblings I get a lot of "you're lucky you were adopted and did not have to grow up in this family!" Truly, what do you say to that? It seems it's all about them, and no thought or regard of what I have gone through.
thank you for sharing your story. I have a blog I have written if you are interested:
goldengirlchronicle.blogspot.com/2014/02/baby-lost-and-found.html
Thank you for your shares!
I'm a adopted my self since birth and still trying to cope with it I love all my fellow adopters all we have is each other
I am (a 49 year old) adoptee. We all know it's difficult to get our side of the story out, the issues we often face, the trauma we suffered and possibly denied half our lives (hello), to be listened to by a public that are more interested in the story and feelings of the adoptive parents, or the reason your biological mother had to 'give you up' (not 'place'). Or hear the phrases in our video. But rarely the complex reality of being the adoptee. Videos like this play a part in getting all of us better understood. Thanks for doing this.
Back in the day I wrote a piece called HINTS FOR THE NON-ADOPTED in RELATING TO THE ADOPTED. It's intense and I think funny and to the point. Let me know if you want to see it!
Wow.... I needed to watch this video & thank you for sharing your personal pain. We adopted two children at birth & went with an agency that is Pro-Open Adoption. We regularly keep in touch with both of our children's Birth Families..... I must admit when we first visited open adoption we were very very insecure about it all, but after being educated by our agency owner, whom has 3 adopted children, about how it is in the best interest of any adopted child to be given ALL information about their birth families. And we will support both of our adopted children's future wishes. We hope to establish the relationships with their birth families so our children will feel complete as they navigate through life..... The current movement towards Open Adoption is how it always should've been. My heart breaks for you cryptic omega. Thank you again !!!!!
Thank you. As a birthmother seeking answers that just aren't there I've discovered what you have about the triad, which is that two points of it are largely left out. I think what I hate the most as a feminist when it comes to this issue is why I made the choice I did you pointed out quite well perhaps without knowing it. This topic has fueled my schooling and career efforts and the craziest thing about it is that for good or bad, the research has NOT been done so I get to pioneer some much needed change and knowing there are women like you out there, gives me great comfort
Thank you for verbalizing so many thoughts and feelings I've never been articulate enough to put into words and for responding to the ignorance only adoptees are subjected to with empathy for everyone involved.
I was once told by a classmate that I was "lying about being adopted for attention". Welp, I'm black and my sister us black but my parents and little brother and the rest of my family are all white, so I showed said person a family picture and they then went on to say that I photoshopped the picture and I just facepalmed.
WOW! Just wow! Girl , that classmate was a mess! Face-palm was in order lol Sorry you had to prove yourself!
having people call my parents "foster" or "step"
SO So grateful for this video! OUCh to many of those cringe-worthy comments people made! You gave us something to think about and I appreciate the time you took to not only share painful things people said but to explain WHY those comments were so OFF! Sometimes non-adoptees, are coming from a good place when speaking, but we need to LISTEN to the voice of the adoptees! We need to think BEFORE we speak! You really laid this out well. So THANK YOU for educating us on what NOT to say! Your experiences and voice of other adoptees are VALUABLE!
I have one with in family dynamics : When I found my Biological Father First.
My Adoptive Parents mostly my Dad totally supportive and my Mom some what luke warm, but initially full support. When ever I spoke with my Mom about him even saying his name Wayne in discussion~ she would say "Ow how is he you know ....What's his name again?" I don't know how many times she would say this & I would have to Repeat his name... How would she forget knowing her own Husbands (My Adoptive Dad's) brother's name is Wayne. So my heart ached at times when we talked....
I grew up quick with being more the therapist to my own Adoptive Mom having a hard time emotionally with my Bio Parents Search and Find.
So as an Adoptee it was not just processing my own emotions finding my Bio Dad but also processing how my Mom was reacting too finding him too. It was like double emotional duty in ways initially. Yes she was going through her own life death rebirth as I was of our relationship, my finding Bio Dad and exploring the emotional terrain of healing~ coming to an understanding within the Triad .
She in a rational understanding why I needed to search and find closer being an adoptee, Yet in her own subconscious felt she failed as a parent and even triggered her in past that she could not conceive a child. I understood this even if she could not nor willing to discuss such. You can't push another if they are not wanting to.
These days my Mom and I have a better relationship but when I initially found my Bio Dad for a year or two ~ even point blank expressing to her over and over ~ You and Dad are my parents and stated from the get go even finding Bio Dad/Mom~ I am not searching for another set of Parents nor relive the past.
Those days were stressful dynamics emotionally but have learned alot about meeting each person were their at in life ,finding common ground and understanding each person has their own way of coping mechanism, ways of expressing and taking time to heal no matter any traumatic situation in life. ~ thanks for hearing my expression :)
I was told the other day that I should be grateful they adopted me when no one else wanted me. I felt like I was being compared to a pound puppy....
sorry that happened to you. I'm adopted too
I believe those that have never known how it feels to be adopted need to keep their opinions to themselves! Thank you for responding. Did you have a good adoption experience?
Yes they do. Its ok. The people who adopted me got divorced before I was ten. The "mother" took off and and the only memory I have of her is when she was abusive so I dont know what is like to have a mother. I dont really have a great connect with my so called father that well. I feel lonely some times. Sorry for the long response.
I estranged myself from my adoptive family. They never treated me like part of the family. I was there maid, punching bag, etc.
Completely agree. Nobody can speak for our experience as adoptees. Society thinks it can just speak to us however they want. No wonder we have a higher suicide rate and drug and alcohol problems. How can anyone build any self-esteem or self-worth if all you're hearing is 'Be grateful, you're second class;
Thank you for speaking out. From my perspective the pain and feelings to mother and child in adoption are normalized, minimized, and silenced as much as possible.
Thanks for saying all of this. I want to adopt and I am seeing how relating to the adopted parents in these situations could be hurtful. I also realize that by not trying avoid "over-relating" to someone who is adopted, it is possible to act like their needs and feelings do not matter. Interesting and honest. Much appreciated.
Wow! first time in all the years of suffering [apres reunion] that I've felt peace...thank you Cryptic Omega for posting this!! I'm so happy that I feel like sharing this on my FB wall...maybe my daughters will read...I hope and would like them to hear this I'm a nmom [natural mother, not birth mother] btw I was reunited with my 2nd oldest daughter in summer '88 and she found the older daughter in '90...since then communication has been difficult...both daughters have shown respect and desire to keep us in their lives...this video is so very educational...I can hardly wait to see Part 2 Thank you
Until I had reunion, I too would just right ADOPTED in the medical history, and I too had many Doctors say, "Oh thats ok it really doesn't matter"!! WTF.
Brilliant Cryptic ! ... My bbrother said to me you should have made a better go of your adoption ....
this video is so good. I have heard so many of these comments so many times. the incest thing, that I should be grateful to my adoptive parents and that I must take after my birth family. though only on the bad side of any issues. also I never though on the genetic issues. both my kids have disabilities. it appears not to be from birth mothers side. definitely would be worth considering getting genetic testing. though funny my child has just had this done due to their disabilities. obviously it will be massively helpful to get to the root of her problems but also may make me more aware of medical issues from my birth parents.
I'm adopted from China
Our voice is so ignored. Why?
I used to be a born again Christian. They will absolutely say those things to a parent who lost a child. I am one. A would venture to guess there is a rape victim who has experienced the same.
Once a colleague said to me "oh, you're a love child, how sweet!" Like really? Not having a baby picture or not being able to do a family tree for a classroom project.
Heyyyyy your name is awesomeness!!!!!!! I am so glad to have met you here :) well one example I have is I was at a family wedding and my older brother and sister were not adoptee's and this very rude woman said " is that the adopted one" like I was an alien or something and also in grade 5 I was called a bastard which I did not know what that meant ..... It was also the same year my father died and another child came up to me started to wave at the ground (as though we were in the grave yard) and whilst waving said his name to the ground followed by "see nobody wants you!" So not sure if you would like to add any of this however I found the above very hurtful........ Also adding to your doctors comment (which is often one of my bug bears) in Aussie land they tend to do the opposite.... Just look at you blankly and do nothing...... It means they have to really work much harder so most chose not to minus the standard blood test....... But the look they give you is almost like they are saying "well your useless because you don't have the info to help me!" The look gets me every time!!!! So THANK YOU AWESOMENESS :) you really are addressing what most adoptee's feel they can't due to 'hurting someone else' while we muffle our screams of anguish ....... Much health loads of love, truth and light to you and ALL ADOPTEES out there again THANKS HUGZZZZZZZZZZZZ
You listed some that I had never heard. There are some really insensitive people out here.
girl preach! this was amazing!
Wow .. very true ..
Very well staated. I'm an adoptee as well andyou are SO right. Non-adoptive people can be insensitive to the point of pain, which hurts a lot.
Thanks, another great video! I loved it, how true! Keep it up. Also, thanks for the survey.
I appreciate what you have to day and how you are saying it very much.
What's your thoughts on gotcha day??
I used to be against open adoption because I thought it was confusing to the child. I was clearly very wrong. Thank you for helping me understand that.
I'm sorry your birth parents passed away before you could meet them Were you able to meet any of your other biological relatives in your search for your biological parents? Brothers? Aunts? Uncles? Sisters? Just wondering. Thank you.
great video
Hi, we are planning on adopting from the foster system and I just want to give this kids the best experience that I can give them and I have been doing more research so I can learn more about what an adoptee goes through does and don't and your video are really helpful. Thanks a lot. I haven't checked all of your videos but if you haven't done one about the positive things that has been said to you that helped ease your pain/ suffering please do so. Thanks
I am turning 33 next month. I was adopted at 18 months from Thailand, and raised in Alaska until I was 16. It has been an interesting journey thus far. A lot can happen in 16 years. Thank you for this video. It helps me along with the conversation I am having with myself over many of these same ideas.