The Narcissistic Parent and Ownership - Role Play - 3 Ways
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- Опубликовано: 26 июн 2024
- The Narcissistic Parent and Ownership - Role Play - 3 Ways
Hi guys!
I wanted to do a role play to highlight some trauma survivors trying to get
a parent to come clean. I advocate that we don't do this with a parent unless the parent is safe.
I hope it's enlightening and helpful. At the end of the day it's about us moving on and letting go of being misunderstood.
Sure, the empowered daughter got a little snarky at the end there but whatevs.
Chapters:
0:00 Intro
2:58 Narcissistic Mother - Role-play
7:21 Healthy Mother - Role-play
10:00 Empowered Daughter (Abridged) - Role-play
12:46 Recap
14:34 Connect With Me
14:45 Outro
Learn more about Patrick Teahan,
Childhood Trauma Resources and Offerings
➡️ linktr.ee/patrickteahan
⚠️ Disclaimer
My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.
If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255
An unsafe parent doesn’t become safe because you want them to be. Ever.
Good to hear! I fall for this cycle for years...I keep breaking contact and then rekindling it hoping age has changed her..And at first its better and then it slowing morphs back to what is always was and I am crippled, down and full of guilt after EVERY conversation...It's so hard to loose this childish love for your parents and hope that they will FINALLY be able to love you...
Correct. You might as well talk to a sack of hair
@@jenaya_laila2442 once you learn to love and trust yourself, leaving behind things that don’t suit you gets easier. Good luck!
@@jenaya_laila2442 i have been thinking about breaking contact with my mother as well, but I am just too scared for the consequences... My aunt sometimes helps my mother out and she was mad at me for moving to my dad already... What would it be when I break full contact with my mother? As well- I don't know if I have the right to break contact bc 'was it that bad? I always had food and a bed to sleep in so, i got taken care of...' but then convos with my sister and dad and other people would be eye-opening and I would be like 'Yeh- imma do it' and then I lose confidence and am right back at the bottom and don't know what to do....
My Biggest mistake ever
My mom can NEVER admit or “remember” anything that was hurtful to me or impacted me as a child.
Fact!
I'm sorry Dayana!!!
My mom is the same way. I've brought up with her about how when I was a kid she would tell me on numerous occasions that she wished I would have died when I was born and that she never wanted me and her response was that she couldn't remember it and that I needed to let it go. There's a term for it. It's called toxic amnesia.
@jonesyO You're welcome, it helped me to make sense of things when I learned there was a term for it too.
Same here, it’s extremely frustrating
"you'll have kids someday."
Well I have kids now and I don't treat them like shit so 🤷♀️
Lol yup. Me having children really makes me realize how much more terrible things were.
Whew!
Yes. I never hit nor slapped my son ever. I screamed at him once, because it was an emergency. And I feel my motherhood was a gift from God, I want more children.
I chose not to have kids for that very reason.
Yes that's a decision most of make.
I will never know how it feels to have a mom that is emotionally supportive.
Don't worry you arent alone but you will find your way its hard I know I have not told my mother yet although she knew what happened and I have brought it up so many times about my trauma if you just say it then let that set in to that parent for your own peace
I hear you. The healthy mom conversation is so foreign, couldn't imagine having my mother validate and apologize like that. It hurts to know what we missed out on.
It's unfortunate. You still have you though, who can be emotionally supportive and nurturing to you, along with surrounding yourself with healthy minded, caring people.💜
Me neither. I'm determined to be that emotionally supportive 'mum' (and dad in my case) for my younger sisters. They deserve and need better.
You can , with Ideal Parent Figure Protocol , taken from the PhD Harvard Psuchology Professor Daniel P Brown´s book ´´ Attachment Disturbances In Adults ´´
Don’t bother telling your narcissist parent anything that means anything to you. They don’t care and they will change the story - gaslighting!!
Very true ive been through that with my parent you just go round in circles and dont get anywhere.👍
And if you make the mistake of crying in front of them while talking about something that bothers you, they’ll mock you the way Trump mocked that disabled reporter..
My mother thinks it's a sign of weakness and whiny when I bring up my abusive childhood, at best she puts it all on my father or she tells me to get over it already. Funny enough she herself likes to complain about past things, even if it was some minor disrespect that happened years ago..
@@DetectiveHouseIf you are able to watch more than Main stream media shows, you will know that he didn't actually mock the reporter. I was fooled, like you, for a long time.
@@goodintentions1302 I don’t watch MSM at all
“You will see one day when you have kids” the quote of my life
right? No I have a daughter. Doing the exact opposite of what my parents did worked pretty well till now.
I have a son and it’s glaringly obvious that I was raised in a crappy abusive environment!!! When you have kids it HITS HOME just how bad your own childhood was 🥴🥴
Yep. That's why I don't have kids. That how child birth almost killed my mother it was the worst labor in the universe and nobody will have labor ad bad as hers. Nope not having kids.
You know … I am going to stop using that phrase. I thought that it helped with “point of view” but perhaps 🤔 not.
same.
It’s honestly more difficult listening to the healthy mother because I know I’ll never have a conversation like that.
for real...like when i heard the healthy mother conversation i wondered "do people actually talk like this in real life with their kids??" i'm shook at how unhealthy my upbringing was and how 'natural' the narcissistic one sounded to me. really grateful to dr. teahan for these
I’m in tears listening to the healthy mother conversation… always wanted to hear that from my mother knowing that I never will :(
Im dreading seeing the healthy mum one.
💯
That felt heavy in my heart to hear that but...keep focusing on the Empowered Daughter...it’s for YOU even if your mom never “hears” it...being Empowered is a Win (for you AND everyone around you) regardless. Know that your REAL value cannot be quantified...and when you find that for your self, you’ll know why it’s ok for your mom to be the way she is-and you can Love her as you Love your own self (without the sadness).
Half the time I get narcissist mom, half the time I get healthy mom. It's a fun little surprise everytime!
facts
I’m glad someone else shares this too! Sometimes she says something surprisingly affirming or kind, other times not so much and sometimes both in the same conversation!
Look into bpd
Same
Yes same, 98% narcissistic, but then will have a random good day where she’s asking me questions and actually listening. I think that’s what made me think I could help her and she could change. I’ve finally given up hope though.
When one of my friends was in her early twenties, her mother said to her "if there is anything you need to talk to me about growing up, I'm here to listen." It blew my mind, I couldn't imagine having a parent that actually wanted to know how I felt.
i had a coworker that shared a bank account with his mom. i was like WOW bc my mom stole from me so i don't share ANYTHING with her 😂
My mother would say the same but from the moment we tried to seek for her help, she would scream to us she is busy. But a day ago she said 'You can come to me whenever, it doesn't matter how busy I am~'
Well
Ha. Jokes on me.
@@therealamybeard damn same! I would've got money for my birthday of family, put it in a box in my room and his it in my desk and when I was a weekend with my dad (they divorced) I came back to the box on my desk and the money was gone--
She didn't even hid her stealing but I just let it pass bc I wouldn't get anything back and I couldn't really prove anything 😅
i didnt know until just now. Wow... thank u, i guess? lololol
Mind blowing, I know, right?
Wow ... even the “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible mother” line I’m triggered lol
My mother regularly says that, but I don't really feel she is sorry, it's more like a defense, she turns herself into the victim. Hope you're okay 💪 and by the way Alayna is a really lovely name!
My mom is infallible. Not sure whats worse.
@@lindsaycooke361 seems like it could be used as a tool to use as a guilt trip.
@@silverliningsoap mine too, yet she sometimes says 'oh I'm the worst mother ever, right?' but in a 'ironic' tone, provocative. She becomes the victim. In the case she says she's infallible she puts the blame to you, because if sometimes went wrong then yet it's your 'fault' (indeed it's not). It's complicated 😕 but let's be strong and information like this video is very helpful to understand better 💪 I wish you good luck 👋
@@silverliningsoap by the way pardon my remark but wow, you do craft beautiful soaps on your channel! 😮
Listening to the “healthy mom” made me wanna cry. Such validation, selflessness, and compassion.
❤️
"So now you're saying I'm the worst mother ever!" Well that's far too familiar. No, I'm saying something bad happened that deserves discussion and resolution without descending into irrational catastrophizing and deflection.
It's to shut you down they have a monopoly on feeling bad to let you know you can't show them you feel bad
Agreed.
This happened to me last night!
I love that you here are words for what happens to me and for what iv done to others when the truth is presented. Thankyou for that.
With your permission, I'd like to borrow that last phrase - because you obviously know it goes SRAIGHT to the irrational catastrophizing and deflection
“I’m calling the therapist to explain my side of the story” - classic
The therapist 😳
😭
The therapist: 👁👄👁?
Yeah their need to seem like a better person or whatever image they wanna keep, disgusting narcissistic
it actually happened to me and the therapist told me about that! my mum didn’t even bother to tell me she went to talk to her and at least apologize (although her behaviour was extremely inappropriate)
I get chills watching how well this guy plays my mother.
It's creepy. I was like 'Wait- how- we don't even live in the same county'
Seriously...uncanny.
Chills and creepy were exactly what I was thinking while watching this. Mr. Teahan is extremely good at what he does. And the phrase he says at the end of his videos feels like the safe warm hug that I constantly so desperately need.
Same here!!
Sameee
I'm impressed the narc mom didn't say she was busy to listen to nonsense and then get up to do something more important like take out the trash.
The problem is that the moment most narcs sense emotion, they get up and leave. Emotion to a narc is like holy water on a demon.
I was telling my mom's friend my goal for some particular question and my mother right away got up and started making noise in the kitchen or doing busy work.
Every single time she "over hears" me doing any positive thing.
I hear you.
“Emotion to a narc is like holy water to a demon.” That’s a keeper.
It’s either like that, or it’s like blood to a vampire.....
Your positive emotion to a narc is like holy water to a demon. They can’t stand someone being happy when they can’t do anything about how miserable they are with themselves.
Your negative emotion to a narc is like blood to a vampire. They drink it up. Your misery is their narcissistic supply. It feeds their ego to feel powerful enough to impact you and get a rise out of you, and it feeds their ego to know that someone else is visibly miserable, so “I’m better off than them” because I can pretend that my life is happy.
Not all of them. Mine goads me Til I react then turns it all around and makes me The bag guy.
It is beginning to appear to me that we each attract different ones to ourselves depending on our wounds.
I'm learning. More and more how powerful grey rock is.
I by no means have perfected it, but when I REALLY focus on staying there, I'm learning that, because this is a spiritual emotional thing, no emotion means
there's nothing for them to attach to.
Exactly what I said my mom would do.
OR: ammo for her arsenal.
Jesus!! They NEVER remember the situations they were complicit in.
Every time you do these and I see the part with the healthy parent, I burst into tears. I can’t imagine how wonderful it would feel to have a parent that took responsibility for their own shit. I never realized how much that affected me until I hear an example of what healthy communication with a parent should sound like.
Omg same!!!
I hope you can find peace one day! 💛💛
@@kimberlyceulemans6015 likewise ♥️♥️♥️
And they “remember” good situations that weren’t.
I didn't understand until I was a mother myself. Then I looked back with horror at many of the things my parents did to me. To some small extent, you can win by not passing on the toxicity to the next generation. I became a teacher and raised two sons and every day I dig deep and try to come from the right place with every interaction. Sorry for the cliche, but I try [and fail and try again] to be the change I want to see in the world. I'm exhausted and still have anxiety attacks all the time, tho!!! But I've learned to live with them, to say, 'Oh, hello. Here you are again." RAIN: Recognize, Acknowledge, Investigate, and Nurture. Baby steps.
Hello. You know now. Be strong. You are the empowered daughter
The instant denial and dismissal is so typical. It's like they're not capable of self-reflection.
Absolutely not and if they act that they are, that is all it is-an ACT.💔
Yeah, I’d say it’s not LIKE they’re not capable, they AREN’T capable of self-reflection. Narcissists are often drowning in so much pain, they create this inflated sense of self and an unrealistic view of the world. Self-reflection would mean they might have to look honestly at their actions and they’re too fragile to do that.
@@MsJeanneMarie Are they really that fragile and in that much pain, or they just don't feel like it?
@@Shortstacksandticktacks Yes, they are really that fragile and in that much pain.
“I hope you weren’t talking about me”
Made my stomach and heart sink remembering the moment my mom said the same thing. I schedule my virtual appointments solely when I know she won’t be in the house because of this. And “according to you I’m the worst mother in the world” and “you had it better than I did” the trigger is too real lol
Oh mine told my brother she was a great mother.
Literally after my brother threatened to cut contact with her. Also it was also after he pointed out to her that I have been low contact with her for years but she never even caught on.
But yeah, great mother. According to her.
"You're scaring me" vs "I'm worried about you" they can mean different things.
Give this man an Oscar
Seriously!!
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
For a while I believed that I was unfairly putting my mom in the narcissist corner, until I watched your role plays and she did EXACTLY what the narcissist mother did every single time - it is like watching every conversation I have ever had with my mother for the last 47 years - it is both a relief that I am moving in the right direction so I can finally heal, and sad because I was holding out hope that I was overreacting and completely wrong. Thanks for making these, they are so helpful
These narc examples seem tame compared to what I've dealt with. Really makes me realized what I've really been going through.
Me too! I keep thinking I am over reacting.
Yup.
Literally the same.
Trying to explain reality to a narcissist is a waste of time. It's like you can't penetrate their fake world. I always have felt like I was alone in my family. I was never understood and I felt like they treated me as if I didn't matter. Your role playing example is the story of my life. Thank you!
I felt the same as you in my family, I went no contact and I found my voice. I am seen now and know what true happiness feels like. I am free ❤️☮️✨
Another hug from big, fluffy chicken
Well said, forget penetrating their fake world.
Same. I always felt like I was alone and never safe with my family. Let’s keep finding our voice and ourselves ❤️
@@amandaaustreng4676 Yes indeed!💟
🙁 to everyone who didn’t experience the proper love of a nurturing mother. I’m sorry and you deserved so much better! I love you ❤️💕
Thank you. It's very painful and hard to try to recover and learn how to be better for my own kids. I'm so hopeful to learn that there are healthy mothers out there!
That’s me...thank you! 🤗
Thank you
thx😭
❤️
What you do is so important. Many of us never find a therapist like you
Interface navigation question: How did you / what is the gold $10.00 symbol?
I was cleaning my bathroom and listening to this.... when the “healthy Mother” part came... I was beyond shocked.. I walked over to the phone and said “what the hell is this!” And I read the words “Healthy Mother”....I realized how insane my mother is 🤣
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I cried listening to the “healthy mother” portion. It’s amazing how our inner child just wants to be loved and heard, even after all these years.
The healthy mother part was how I act towards my kids, so it really reassured me that I'm nothing like my mother.
@@Queen_EL11 😢😢
@@Lifeszebarbie im 56, going through hell in my life and still they can't be there. They don't ever change. I actually hate them now which in reality is hurting me! They give physical things like food money as I'm reliant but still nasty angry invalidating passive aggressive gaslighting and don't give a damn how I feel
I recently had a similar discussion and I got “well there’s nothing I can do now” and “times were different back then.” It was very frustrating.
@@sarah06ish Exactly. It's the world's fault not bad parenting.
@@lindatakesitback8945 I know what you mean. Hearing, "well there's nothing I can do about it now," is very frustrating and dismissive. And often times its not even what you're trying to address. Acknowledging something, can always happen today.
Weirdly, I got that same response from my narc husband.
Right!?
Bitch. You. Can. Say. Sorry.
(Lmao they never apologize that would involve admitting they're wrong)
Same exact words were told to me!!!
The narcissist mother "I needed someone...you had it easier than me". Its an echo from my past
Same
Hearing the healthy mother made me want to cry, I've never had that kind of affirmation. It's like a foreign language.
Just had a conversation with my mom like this today, after she reached out to me after a year of not speaking. It blew my mind that she went right into blame shifting and zero empathy for me. Why am I shocked every time? It just reminds me why we dont have a relationship. I blocked her. It will never change. Ive done my mourning.
I feel you... it’s frustrating when she contacted you again and the 1st she says is what? Blaming you. And honestly, some tiny bit hope in me was like okay I will give her one more chance. And ya know what? Ya right. “Why are we even shocked anymore” no contact.
Bravo!! you are free of her now❤️❤️❤️
This comment resonated with me! You’re so right on - why I am I shocked every time? That’s exactly how I feel after giving her yet another chance. But this time, I’m committed to being done. Mourning is right. Best wishes in your healing journey.
@@marissaw1586 I always said "I'll just give her another chance." but then I realized thats what victims of domestic abuse say too. Also, its not really a second chance if they cant recognize any wrong doing in the first place. I remember one time I even said to my mom I was willing to give her another chance to be in my life, and she said "I dont need you to give me another chance." They really dont care.
@@AugustAdvice This was the third chance I’ve given her after she asked ME for a relationship (hoovered me) then hurt me again, takes no responsibility and invalidates me for being upset in the first place. No big deal to her but This was a big hurt for me! And there have just been too many. I am done for good now. Have to stay strong 💪
When the daughter's saying it's nothing medical, I get the point, but my goodness it's everything medical. It shows in every system in your body.
Yes!
that much cortisol throughout our lives can not end up in undisturbed wellbeing scenarios.
I'm chronically ill (pains/fatigue), and not even sure why.
First round of specialists ~6 years ago didn't find anything that will explain all symptoms
(some things off, without clear cause) and I was getting ready to give it another try when pandemic hit.
Good that you brought that up, people keep forgetting...
I told mine I was dealing with the early stages of kidney failure and she just made some snide remark about it.
Then a few weeks later was like "How come you never tell me what's going on in your life?"
Like seriously?
More weeks later, at a family reunion, my grandma was mentioning how awful it was for so and so to have epilepsy and that seizures are the absolute worst. My mother showing off waterworks about how awful that must be!
Me: Wow. Not like anyone else you know who suffers from epilepsy and you also never showed a gd hint of emotion about it.
Me. That other person is me.
The healthy conversation almost made me cry. Apparently, I'm still grieving the family relationships I've never had. Oh, well.
Sammee
It’s not so much about making them understand as it is about allowing your inner child to finally have a voice. I sent a firm text message to my narcissistic father, knowing that he would gas light and make the entire conversation about him, his needs, and his victimization. I got it all out. He read every word. He tried to respond but I didn’t feel the need to engage or continue. Finally getting all of these feelings out and explaining how my present day problems were a result of his abuse cured me of a lot of pain I was holding on to.
You are very much right, i did the same , expecting bad and worst is whatcame back 😂 but i took a risk for myself and gave myself a voice and no onecan take that away from me
So glad I saw this comment!! I'm tooing and froeing about just confronting my NM. I have so much anger towards her as her behavior towards me and my sister is so gaslighting and it infuriates me that she criticises us constantly with total lack of insight into her own behavior. In the past when I have bought up issues, it gets turned around to how she was affected. I don't expect her to take any accountability but really feel like I need to stick up for myself. I've just recently been diagnosed with CPTSD, which has been a revelation to me and has bought up so much pain for me realizing that I have an actual brain injury and my struggles with what seem to be basic things for other people are due to this. Not because I'm "lazy, fragile, don't try hard enough etc" and all the instances that are popping up in my memory of what was the behavior of an obviously very damaged child that were ignored or punished. My concern is that she will become more toxic towards my sister who I have a close relationship to. I hate that what I feel I need to do to heal will affect my poor dear sister, who also suffered and isn't really at the same point in her journey.
@@jessicajames3479 yes that is a tough one but hopefully your sister will understand where you're at in yours n neither is wrong or right. Your relationship with your sister is the healthier relationship n one that you actually will have far longer than the one you will have with your mother as she is 20-30 yrs older than you. You mom could be passed when you are 50 n your sister n you like still here. It will be nice to have someone who gets it when she does pass as no matter what the relationship you will be very affected by it. That said you n they sister have to allow each other to make your own choices
@@brandyk 👍 the comment you've replied to was from 7months ago!! It was really cool, your replying made me read my comment and it's just given me a great boost to see how far I've come 😁. I also got a diagnosis of BPD 3months ago. Ive found how to help my sister without making her "choose" between me or the mothership. I made the decision a while ago not to confront her. It's not safe at this point. Motherships life is in a spiral ATM, of her own doing, she recently returned from a 2month overseas holiday with her husband (not my father) and HE came to see me, hands shaking about how she ruined the holiday with her terrible behaviour. I'd warned him before they left what would happen. Her behaviour is so predictable 🙄
I hope she does go when I'm 50, that's only 9more years to have to manage with her 🤣🤣
Hearing a healthy mother speaking to their child feels like I'm watching a happy movie! Such beautiful insight. Thank you for these comparisons.
I know right! I almost got choked up because I knew it would never be the case for me.
@@anwensu4381 same....
I'm so sorry to hear that you guys went through the shit I went through too bc it is f*cked up-
Exactly
My narcissistic mother’s favorite phrase is “oh I don’t know” I finally figured out what she’s really saying is “I don’t care.”
Hearing two people tell the truth about how they feel to each other, even though it's a difficult conversation, is totally alien to me. The idea of emotions being useful tools in processing negative experiences, rather than weapons, is just...so different from what I observed growing up. It's nice to see healthy behavior modelled so that I can practice it myself and process my feelings in a healthy way, and tell the truth to those close to me so we can build better relationships.
My mom would *never* sit there quietly and listen to me like the example mother in the empowered daughter scenario. Lol she would be screaming like a banshee and crying the second she felt even the inkling of being confronted.
This sounds like my mother. The best thing to do is work on your own healing. Approaching a true narc about your trauma is just going to traumatize you all over again. Plus they will use your vulnerability against you. They won't ever change. Don't waste your precious life trying to change a narc. Move on and don't look back.❤️☮️✨
These role plays are very illuminating. When raised in a narcissistic home or marrying into one it can be so difficult to know what abuse vs healthy actually looks like. Thanks
Your words make so much sense.
YES! SO eye-opening, almost unbelievable that people could be so loving and caring..
You are so right
I don’t know right from wrong
This
I was doubtful if I was raised in narc family and if I might be a narc myself.
It became crystal clear when listening to the "healthy versions" (of any of the narc videos) , all I could think of is how manipulative their concern is and how that information can be used later.
The healthy versions are so bizzare I can't phantom anyone acting like this without the ulterior motive.
Yes, I spent so much time as a child trying to convince my mother to be a mother. I'm just now connecting this to me trying to explain how to be a decent partner to narcissistic men in adulthood. Wow.
Trying to convince my mother to be a mother…wow yes exactly
I bet you just expect to nudge and explain to everyone how to be decent.
Oh my goodness!!! 🤯 This is exactly it!!! Thanks for this realisation.
Damn as soon as I feel the need to explain how to be treated. I'm getting out from now on
Thank you for this relatable comment. Ive already heard CPTSD and CEN condition you to "crap-fit" (adapt) to bad relationships instead of cutting it off. But hearing it this way (your comment) helped me make more specific connections.
Wow. wow. wow. I honestly have had these exact conversations with my mother. I feel proud of myself from getting from the confused/angry/sad reaction to her behavior to my so-to-speak "glow-up" to the empowered daughter. I still often get pangs of guilt for being the "bad daughter", for calmly stating and upholding my boundaries, for feeling like I'm being "too harsh", etc. For anyone in my same shoes - keep true to your true north. Listen to that gut feeling. Trauma runs deep. For me, I get a real wake-up call from literal gut feelings when the emotional stress causes IBS flare-ups.
I feel this comment. Go you.
All of my adult relationships were based on my narcissistic mother. Every single one was my mother in another persons body. Thankfully, a brilliant therapist(much like you!) guided me to realisation and healing. I am now happy to say that I no longer date my mother.
This is my story! Took me a few years to figure out.
I for a second got so confused as to why you would ever want to date your mother 🤣
English isn't my 1st language but I can understand that it is extremely relieving to be finally free from the abuse!
I am super happy to hear that you are doing well!
Yes, my first husband had my mom's traits, too. I tried dating after divorce for about 5 years. None were right. I finally took a break from dating because it was so disappointing and somewhere in there, I realized that I had too much healing to do before I could date again. It took me years to sort it all out, to comprehend what my triggers were and why I attracted that type of person to me. Now happily married to a wonderful man.
@@kimbernard9250 Im going through your same situation right now. I tried dating after my divorce as well but like you said it just doesn’t feel right at all. Now i realize a lot of my past friends and relationships had similar traits to my parent’s and it was like the turning the page to the big reveal in a book. Cried for days 😔 i appreciate you being brave enough to post your story, it really helped me get some clarity on my journey. Thank you and congratulations on the marriage that is bringing you joy
@@awildclinton They always say that you marry what you're familiar with, and that was true in my case in my first marriage. I thought I was done with my self-work when I started dating again and met my now husband, but I wasn't. As we grew close, it revealed hidden scars that hadn't been exposed during my healing time. This time around I recognized my triggers, and while it was hard for him when we'd run into one, he allowed my request to sleep on it (he was more apt to want to talk it out then and there). That pause would allow me to 1) rest and regroup, as I find that to be mentally exhausting. 2) logically look at the root of the issue, with emotions set aside, which often has nothing to do with the topic that caused me to feel distressed or defensive. That was new for him, but he's ended up liking that method for himself too. I think the biggest triumph for my journey was, and is, to not go to a victim mentality. I look at it more as: I experienced this as a child. It sucked but I recognize how it formed my personality traits, both good and bad. It made me who I am. We, collectively as humans, whether having experienced bad parenting or not, launch into our adult lives somewhat unprepared for the big world. Those that had great, emotionally healthy parents have a huge leg up on those of us that had the opposite, but, it doesn't mean we're stuck in that stunted place. It's a matter of whether we want to do the hard work, recognize that this is holding us back in enjoying healthy relationships, and having access to a person like you that provides plausible, effective real life examples that can get us from point A to point B. Am I done with my work? Nope, but I'm a lifelong learner, both in an academic sense, and in a human relationship sense. The joy of discovery is deeply ingrained in me. I'm an engineer - gotta figure out how things work, including how my mind works, LOL. This is why I like and appreciate you and your channel. You've given me many 'AHA' moments in your posts, and I just found you a week ago. Thank you for what you do for all of your followers. I think you're helping an immense number of people. The world needs more people like you.
Here is how the role play would go with my ex-mother : "I'm seeing a therapist" "At last, you were always a difficult child" - "Andrew's amazing" "He is, I'm amazed he puts up with you" - "I do talk about you" "Bloody cheek! You've always been self-obsessed. Do not talk about me behind my back, how dare you!" - "We talk about how abusive Dennis was to me and Kelly" "You don't know the half of it. You were lucky, do you know how he treated ME?" - "Do you remember him screaming at us?" "Here we go, bringing up the past again. Can't you get over it for once? You don't know you're born. Life's hard and the sooner you realise it the better" - "I was worried about how Dennis treated you and how he treated us." - "Just wait till you have your own children. God help them that's all I can say. You do need therapy, that's for sure. I think you're mentally ill. Maybe your therapist and I can work on you together." (she actually did say that and I hadn't even mentioned therapy).
This sounds familiar 😟😢😭😡 Hope you're doing ok 💗 Love T
My mom would say, "It's going to take someone really special to marry you." She also let me know how much she liked my boyfriend who was perpetually cheating on me. Would say, "Nobody's perfect" if I complained about my husband. I remember clearly how my brother and I complained about our awful 6th-grade math teacher but she wouldn't hear it. It makes me wonder if any action would have been taken had I been sexually abused and went to her. Thank God I never had to deal with that. Holy moly, the stories could go on and on.
"Difficult" is the worst. It's a great cover-all when they want you to take all the blame.
@@barbaragremaud3499 In the 'family' in question, the sexual & other abuse is generational so no, no effective action was taken. Even though my mother had earlier told me specifically that she wanted us "to be able to talk about anything". I'm happy that you didn't have to go through that on top of everything else! Hope you're doing ok too! 💗 Love T
@@barbaragremaud3499 Oh yes, if anyone was abusive towards us, it was something we were doing wrong. Once I complained about a creepy teacher and I heard my narc parents talking late at night at how the teachers were now turning against me and what I problem I was becoming. The teacher was later imprisoned as a pedophile.
the empowered child role plays are always so inspiring. you do realize a lot of us would get horribly punished (silent treatment, phone hung up, being cut out of wills who knows) for even doing half of what those empowered kids do. we'd really have to be ready for anything to happen
The first one is definitely my mother, with the gaslighting and projection! I knew from the time I was about 9 years old that I couldn't feel safe or trust her with my vulnerability :(
Watching the empowered daughter is spectacular! ☀️✨ I still get told that I “live in the past” and “it’s eating you up isn’t it” and “the healthy mind forgets”. It’s chilling.
"You can't run the movies backwards" and "like water off a duck's back" the endless patter of stock phrases dismissing me and my siblings' voices.
Notice though that when you put a mirror in front of a narc (as in the empowered daughter example), the abuse is MUCH greater and overt (are you insane??). I used to do that when younger and it just fires up a pathological narc. Then I decided to just not react, ignore, leave the premises and cutt ties and conversations, much better 😌 !!
The only time I stood up to her like that she became hysterical and violent.
@@seekingthemiddleway4048 Ditto.
The healthy mind forgets?! I've never heard that one.
This felt exactly like how talking to my mom would be when she was alive. Crazy things happened growing up and she'd either act like they never happened, or act like it was worse for her and were "just kids" at the time. As if being kids somehow made us immune to the messed up stuff going on. 🤦🏻♀️
My mother just hung up the phone and told me never to call again. That’s what happened when I was brave enough to question her. I’m in my 50’s and in another country....
i started crying during the healthy role play. ive tried so many times and had the first outcome happen again and again
This narcissistic mother conversation is almost word for word the things my mother would say to me when I tried to talk about my feelings with her. The only things that were left out was deflecting things onto her "horrible" childhood (bc grandmother never gave her any hugs?), and some new age woo about "how everyone chooses how they respond and feel about things" so if was choosing to feel this way, that was my problem not hers. I have accepted that I will never be seen or heard by her. It's a hard pill to swallow. I have finally stopped re-traumatizing myself by not having these "going nowhere" conversations.
These role plays are so informative. The mom starts out seeming nice and concerned about her daughter's feelings (wondering if she was angry at her) and worried if the daughter was all right. Then the tone changes so subtly. That's what was always so confusing about growing up in a narcissistic family. If I didn't see this acted out, I would have a very hard time understanding the abusiveness. I would make excuses for the mom like maybe she did forget? Maybe the daughter's version of reality isn't true? Thank you for such a validating illustration. I know now that if you are left that confused about the past, it was almost certainly gaslighting.
Mommy is just being manipulative. As always.
Something I’ve learned about narcissistic people in general use that fake sympathy/empathy. My in laws, I had to record my convos with them and I listened to them here a week or so ago-and oh my word... all the fake sympathy, gaslighting and blame-shifting. So much manipulating. And the scary part is-they don’t do it bluntly. They do it so indirect. I wish my fiancée would watch these videos....
It's really interesting watching this because both the unhealthy and the healthy role play remind me of my mom. My mom kinda straddles the line between denial and accountability. She knows she made mistakes and sometimes she'll listen to us and apologize, and I can tell it is painful for her to confront that guilt, but she doesn't try to erase it. She sometimes comes up with "excuses" but I think she knows they're just excuses, because her mom and dad did much of the same and she knows it's a pattern she repeated in some ways. My mom and older sister both have borderline personality disorder, which I don't believe is the same as narcissist but, I feel like I read somewhere that they are in the same category of mental illness or disorders. Either way, she has made huge strides, though it's important to remember that sometimes people can admit when they have a disorder, but they can also start to use that disorder as an excuse for the behavior. It's important not to allow excuses to erase responsibility. Her disorder may be the reason for her actions and behaviors, but it doesn't heal the harm done. I'm grateful that my mom is much more relaxed and open to listening in her older age.
"I did no such thing."
Time just stopped for me.
So cringe. So many phrases that are WORD FOR WORD spot on. Neither one of my narc parents would have made it through the conversation. They would have gotten angry, stormed off and then given the silent treatment. They will never take responsibility. Wish I would have known as a child what I know decades later. But, better late than never. Your role-play videos are really helpful because they model a healthy parent and their responses, which is something I never experienced.
I'm so glad I found this channel!
I don’t remember this myself, but my paternal grandma told me a few years ago that when I was very young, probably 4 or 5, I was sitting in her lap, and I told her that in our home, no-one dared say anything because mom made the rules. My heart breaks when I think of how unsafe I must have felt, and how aware I must have been to be able to voice it that way at such a young age.
I’ve always felt a lot of guilt when trying to name my mom’s behavior as abusive, even in my own internal dialogue. I always had to protect her feelings and learn to predict what would trigger her anger, even though that was impossible, because to her, anything can be construed as an attack on her person.
I’m 29 and haven’t lived with my parents for 10 years, but still, even writing this comment feels like I’m somehow placing myself in the line of danger - like I'm betraying her, or being ungrateful, or talking about her behind her back. It's awful, because it's always been evident that there's a lot of pain behind her own reactions, and I'm struggling to let go of the sense of responsibility I've always felt for her well-being.
I’m only now starting to unpack the ways my upbringing affects me today, and it honestly feels like a bottomless pit of hurt and shame and confusion, but videos like these make me feel like I have permission to acknowledge that her behavior was not OK, and I’m allowed to start healing from it. I probably shouldn’t need permission, but I guess I have to start somewhere.
Thank you so much for your work! I think you are helping a lot of people, and I know you’re helping me.
I’m 60 and just learning it’s not all my fault. And everything you said here mirrors my relationship with my Mom. Please acknowledge it now and then you’ll be able to make peace with it and have a great life with healthy relationships.
Beautifully written. I think you describe perfectly how my daughter feels about her narcissistic father. It’s been a real struggle for both of us. I’m extremely grateful for resources like these videos and the comments from others who understand. Sending you love and blessings. You deserve to be happy. ✨🦋✨
Yes! Paragraph two is exactly how I feel but haven't been able to express as eloquently as you have here, about my mother. My son asked me once why I put her on such a pedestal. I said, I didn't but if you're a kid and someone tells you something your whole life, you tend to believe it. I was conditioned never to question. Now I can finally see it!
I can honestly say that you took so many of the words straight out of my mouth. The feeling of guilt or betrayal in naming the abuse... because you know that in many ways her abuse was in part from unresolved pain herself. But that still doesn't excuse it. I still feel guilt and sometimes shame when discussing it in therapy- like I need to even qualify- "but I really do love her and I know she loves me". These things can co-exist. I'm with you, thank you for sharing your story. You are NOT alone in unpacking all of these emotions.
"I don't remember that ever happened" damn. That hit. I dont feel like most of the narcissistic mother rroleplays relate to mine, but this one... This relates. I feel that. Thank you
Idunablack2592 yes they really do have selective amnesia. Not only that they will try to pathologize you for remembering. Now if you remembered the name of a character from an old TV show or movie that would perfectly fine but if you remember even a few of the hurtful n mean things they said n did, well then you are if course sick because you hold on to things. Lol
@@brandyk yes exactly :) actually going through this recently again. Hope you are doing well.
“You’ll understand when you have a daughter” was my whole life. I have a twin brother and we couldn’t of been treated more differenty
I feel this. My brother was the golden child
Wow. I remember crying telling my Dad I was going to start therapy and him getting angry right away and saying “Well it’s not my fault right?” That was one of the first things the nmom said in the role play. Thank you so much for this video.
This hits home. My ex- mother in law the narcissist. She actually asked to talk to my personal therapist because she was upset my therapist was only getting my side of the story. Therapist told me it was the first time in her 30 year practice this happened. She then fired me because she said if I couldn’t help myself by moving on from this unhealthy family she couldn’t help me. My advice: listen to your therapist & kick the narcissist to the curb.
Oh my gosh! Sound sadly like your therapist had issues too!!! Honestly that is crazy your parent did that but wow your therapist should have helped you! Who know what could have happened... some people! I am sorry you went thru that!
@@MegaMommaUlman therapists are not magicians. They can help you help yourself but if you're not doing the work it's unethical for a therapist to keep taking your money with no progress.
@@Juststudiothings I get it but she may have just needed some support and a little more time.
Plua that isn't what she said read her post....
I'm upset at how accurate the unhealthy mom discussion is.
She makes it about herself, how everything's fine/it's not her fault/you somehow traumatized yourself, random tangents, and it's circular conversation that goes nowhere.
I nearly cried when I heard the second "mom" said she's sorry..
These scenarios are so well done, he's such a good actor.
OH MY GOSH - THIS IS SPOT ON for NPD mothers. WOW. When I was going through therapy and still in contact with my mother, she reacted identical to this. She demanded to talk to my therapist to share her side. When she refused to accept the boundaries I was learning to put down, she would leave voicemails how "I guess I am just the worst mother in the world, I should slit my wrists if my daughter doesn't even answer the phone anymore." All about her, poor her.
Sigh. No contact is the best contact.
Yeah.... it’s funny how vulnerable they became the moment you start to stay boundaries. But became very abusive once you discard your boundaries.
Amen.
Oh. "See how you like it" "They only hear one side of the story you know"
Reasons I haven't tried to talk to my Mum like that in a very long time.
That first one totally sounds like my mom and it’s why I don’t even bother talking through this stuff anymore. It’s too emotionally draining and just gives her more opportunities to hurt me
I remember the moment I realized with full confidence that my mother was narcissistic and would never ever take accountability for her actions. My mom moved back to our home state, but a different town six hours away. I moved in to help her with bills, plus I had always wanted to live in this town(I know realized she moved there to get me to move in with her). She then would make trips SIX HOURS to our home town ONE WAY. I thought it was weird, but she has lots of friends there so I thought nothing of it.
Fast forward 6 months, I was doing some trauma healing and made the horrible decision to unblock my abuser on FB so that I could see what they look like now, and if he was near any children as he is not allowed to be as a sec offender. I know. Stupid. But imagine my disgusted shock, when I saw his profile picture, and my mother was in it. Arms around him. Smiling. Happier than I had ever seen her in a long time. Note: He is her brother.
I was furious. When she came home, I showed my phone to her with the photo. She asked “How did you get that?”
I proceeded to ask her what possessed her to go and be buddy buddy with a child predator, to go and hold the man that caused lasting and horrible trauma on your child? She was in the court room. She heard what he did to me. She was there and watched me fall apart, and nearly I alive myself for 7 years before I told my story, and to this day sees me struggles.
Her answer? “I miss my family. You don’t know what that feels like.”
She then shut me out, as punishment. I moved out and told her my move out date. To spite me, she moved out before me, and made me pay for the last months rent, and any additional damages that the apartment had. She then held my car as collateral as she had made ONE payment on it at the start of COVID. And to this day, she makes me feel like our relationship problems are because of me. Constantly gaslighting me with my own trauma and saying because I can’t “let it go and forgive” I am a sad sick person.
I have minimal contact with her now. Barely talking so I can send my sister whom is still a minor under her care gifts, and I talk to her often. I told her if she is ever in contact with our “Uncle” to call 911 and get away, and told her what he did to me. Something I never wanted to do because I wanted to shield her from that horror story. She then said they have weekly dinners, and he makes her feel uncomfortable. I nearly died hearing this, but she didn’t hesitate and reported him with my assistance. My mother is upset at me for doing this. But I had to protect her. No one did that for me, and clearly no one else was going to.
Shosho... (HUGS) tragic story. I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are a survivor and a warrior protecting you sister. You are my hero.
" Everything will be OK in the end.
If it's NOT OK it is not the end!" Love and light to you honey.
I am enraged for you while reading this
@@brennahasselmann8075 absolutely enraged also. errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh
I am so angry at your mother. That was such a noble thing you did in protecting your sister. It’s ashamed your mother couldn’t put you or your sister first in that way ❤
I‘m so sorry 😢. Thank you for sharing your story. I send you all the best wishes!
when you said "I don't remember that, and I'm not sure any of that happened" I burst out crying. I remember first confronting my mom about the emotional abuse and neglect at dinner and she said that over and over and over.
"I can't listen to this anymore, you'll have kids someday" Oh how my mother loved that line when I was a teenager. I came out as child free in high school. 10+ year later, still very child free. Do not want. Must break cycle. edit: To which it's become "I can't listen to this anymore" and "I'm just a bad mother, I gave up everything for you kids" instead.
Amazing how similar they all are.
Same lol, my mom must have said the following a million times: “you’ll have kids someday”. “Oh you will understand when you get married one day” “god damn! I sacrificed everything for you! After all I have done for you! This is how you are going to treat me?!” Me 23 years old, still no desire of having kids or getting married and not understanding an ounce of her logic. 🌚
It's CRAZY how they are all really the same! I had the same exact lines used on me!
Being disordered, they're full of excuses. Very immature people.
Thank you for illustrating the narcissistic interaction. It really is hard to spot, if this type of interaction is the norm for a person.
@@Hmy87 Exactly. I ended up with an abusive boss for the same reason.
Hearing the healthy mother made me cry because I never had a mother like that, who would at least have accountability and remorse for how damaging her actions were.
The conversation with the healthy mom had me in tears.
I got burned trying to get through to my narcissistic mother about something big and upsetting--it was traumatic but also hugely informative. It allowed me to see after the fact that something was indeed, really wrong, prompting me to read about toxic mothers, then learn about narcissism and finally understand that she IS narcissistic. I've been no contact with her for just three and a half months, firing my therapist in the process (more gaslighting and denial there). I'm about to get a new therapist and I want to be hopeful. Thank you for all that you do and all the wonderful content that you put on here--it's been life changing.
I had the same journey.. it was a shock for me to realise that she is a narcissist and was using me for her own benefit through manipulation, guilt tripping, and other tactics narcissists use to keep control over their children or partners ..
Wish you peace and happiness ❤️🙏🏼
@@Hmy87 I wish the same for you. I feel that our clarity is a really powerful catalyst for better quality of life, moving towards healing and wholeness.
@@sarahritt.creates Thank you 🙏🏼 ❤️ ..
I feel the same way .. I wish better future for both of us and everyone who’s been in this place ..
I wish you the best, Sarah, and hope you'll find a fine therapist! It may take some trials, but you'll surely find 😊👍 you're on the good path! 👋
So glad you realized the truth! You come across as really smart, you're gonna be an amazing warrior of light, now that you are aware!! ✊🏼❤️
I swear I want to skip the healthy mom part so bad, cause I keep thinking that I will never have that kind of support and it sucks. I went to therapy myself and she never even asked the reason why I went, even though she paid for it... Despite all of this, I really find these role plays super useful! Understanding her mind games is freeing! Thank you so much!
The things the narc mother says to gaslight are SPOT on. I have heard so many of those things from my own mother. "Just wait until you have kids", "You're fine" You had it better than I had"
I also appreciate how she comes off as "kind" and her tone is pretty gentle. The word Narcissist took me so long to apply to her because I always thought of the other, louder type.
"What about middle school? You never told me about middle school!!" I'm triggered 😂😂
It's really hard listening to the narc mother. So much of it is what she's told me over the years, with the same words, deflections, tone, gaslighting, projection and lack of accountability.
The level of my pathological narc mother understanding is limited at the level right before the "are you alright" question. Never happened, not even at 4 yo. She couldn't give a shit. She would just start talking about herself in 3 seconds straight. Zero empathy.
He really does a good job with these role plays.
Same
It's so familiar, it's eerie isn't it? Same here.
Exactly. Your comment is spot on. The “healthy” mother makes me tear up.
This is SO real. Years ago my children and I survived a major earthquake and the chaos following it. There were fires burning in our neighborhood, buildings and highways destroyed, and a number of friends and neighbors were missing. When my mother finally called she was panicked and crying, but what she said was, "Why did you have to move all the way out there and make ME go through all this worry?" Not "What's it like?" or "Was it scary?" or "Have you heard from your friends yet?" It was always all about her, and I knew then that it always would be. (What happened to your yellow pillows? I like to imagine if I was your client I would curl up in the corner of the couch and build a big safe pillow fort. :-)
Wow. That is unfortunately relatable. As a teenager I attempted suicide, and when my mom got to me the first thing she said was "How could you do this to me?"
@@16tangerines same 😭
@@jessicamusicslife465 First thing my mum said was, we've been through so much together
Omgosh I had my mom come to a therapy session with me and it was INSANE! I said well, you know, jumping from school to school sucked, I was in 8 schools by the time I was 10. My mom said “no you weren’t”
So I listed them. And she freaking LEFT the session! Wow 😳
hearing what a normal / healthy mother-daughter interaction sounded like....made me cry
I hope everyone reading this is having a blessed and productive day! 🙏
I have a question about the "empowered daughter example". When I put a mirror in front of her pathological behaviour the level of verbal abuse and manipulation just got amped up to a very dangerous level. Plus, if other people are witnessing this kind of discussion, the daughter is qualified as "the difficult and defiant one" in 90% of cases, by other people, friends, family. Especially if the daughter is still very young, like I was. Friends and extended family considered me just as combative as she was, which was not the case, I was only defending myself. They didn't get it. I chose to ignore the narc as much as possible and to cut ties,.but the double bind of people around us not getting it remains.
The Flying Monkeys
Yeah sadly many people don’t get it, even people growing up in healthy families. They just couldn’t understand how abusive parents can be. But there are many survivors being awakened that get it, and you will eventually come to a place of being so firm and trusting of your own reality that you don’t need those people who don’t get it to understand.
Th Narc mom can play the victim well... my mother could anyway.
Glennon Doyle in Untamed the chapter titled Island , was very helpful on my healing journey.
Best regards Cheetahs ✌❤
Yeah with narcs like that you can't confront them it really isn't a smart idea. It is better it just ignore them and don't give them any narc supply or ammo
I feel you. Part of my family does not talk to me because my narc mon told them I’m just angry all the time. The ones who have reached out to me are shocked. I still have the papers for when my mom charged me $567/mo in rent when I was 16. Just to prove to myself it did happen.
“hope your kids are as awful as you so you know what i have to go through” i was a straight a student who never got into any trouble… some people shouldn’t be parents
"I don't know what you want from me" after I tell her as it is. Classic 👌
It would be interesting to talk about our own codependency and or our narcissistic qualities that we have inherited from being shaped in such dysfunctional environments. I admit I have been controlling and aggressive, trying to prove my point to my narcissistic parents. I want to do the inner work so that I won't be as toxic in relationships. I don't think it is my true nature though.
@SomethingReallyStrange what you describes sounds like insecure attachment and fear of intimacy. The notion of "perfect" and what you think you "should" feel, may be related to your family system and not what you feel. As if you are not connected to your true feelings and so the relationship feels artificial? There's the "image" and what "should", and not really loving an imperfect person, just as you accept yourself as flawed but lovable. Or maybe a way to keep you safe and at arms length from your partner.
@SomethingReallyStrange Are these dismissive avoidant behaviors what you perceived as narcissistic and feel guilty about?
Everybody has an attachment style according to the theory, those who don't have the secure one (and can form healthy relationships and trust easily), all fall into the "insecure" ones (avoidant / anxious / disorganized styles).
People on the avoidant side may feel secure because of their high autonomy but it is defensive against fears around attachment. Fear of engulfment, Fear of abandonment, of being seen and rejected.
The adult attachment is directly connected to the blueprint left by the infant attachment to the caregivers. Attachment and survival were connected, so the strategies developed at the time (avoiding or clinging etc), remain in adulthood if not worked on.
Maybe once you got into a deep relationship, your avoidant side got triggered as the fears have risen.
As adult children from narcissistic families, we need to work on the communication styles and behaviors we have inherited. It is inevitable we have some narcissistic traits as well. Becoming self-aware is half the work.
@SomethingReallyStrange Like you said, the intention behind behaviors matters. Although for having been loved bombed a couple of times by men with NPD, I don't think it is as depicted by the channels on narcissism. I believe they idealize and are really into their new love object, that's why it is so contagious and intense (the cunning and plotting are rather psychopathic traits). And then they devalue, because no one is perfect and they see the flaws in the partner as an intolerable reflection. They can't focus on just one person, pretty much like addicts who need attention from multiple people.
The world is full of average joes who are commonly abusive to their partner and find nothing wrong about it. The fact you are capable of self-reflection is very positive. You might have narcissistic traits, like a lot of us, and you can work on it and change what you don't like that can impact others negatively. Don't forget your girlfriend has free will if she chooses to stay around. You seem pretty aware of your perfectionism, how much you'd wish to conform to a certain image, an "ideal partner" and you suffer from falling short. This could be part of your heritage from your narcissistic family. I struggle with that too, and accepting the darker sides as mine too.
You say it yourself, there are Hollywood or romantic relationship norms that make us feel inadequate if we don't fit in and our needs differ from this model. This might be a general "ideal" of romantic selflessness and generosity, but not the reality in most cases. What is important is to communicate on this with our partner, about our boundaries, our needs, and see if we can both benefit from being in the relationship. Ideally each partner should know themselves enough and their needs/boundaries to communicate them to the other, and create a recipe that would work for them both. Regardless of the "romantic norms".
It may also be from education, girls are taught to be caring and selfless, while boys are more often self-centered and "selfish". Ok that's a generalization just like girls tend to undermine their achievements and boys overestimate theirs. Don't beat up yourself if you think you're not naturally giving and generous. You can adopt these behaviors if you want to. It's not your natural disposition? Even better, when you'll be giving that will convey you're making a special effort and being mindful.
We can become better than we are. Once I have realized after family fall out, that I also participated in this dysfunctional mess and was not immune to selfish and entitled behaviors, I felt really bad and have decided to do the inner work. Starting with looking at the ugly aspects and accepting them as part of my current self.
It's interesting that you mention avoidant behaviors, shutting down and isolating and your thoughts and beliefs... It reminds me of someone I had a great beginning of relationship with but after something happened and fears got triggered, he fizzled out and ghosted me. He qualified for Avoidant personality disorder (cluster c) and maybe other issues. I studied it, the overanalyzing, the erroneous beliefs about being inadequate and the inevitable coming rejection, the struggle to be authentic, and the people pleasing instead... He had told me he would tend to run away and to isolate. Also had narcissistic parents. Recently, after I tried to reach out and he never replied. I was telling myself how callous he had been, not much better than my narcissistic ex. How much narcissism is across the board, at times, and when deep fears, unacknowledged trauma are triggered, empathy is not accessible anymore.
You ask what other option there is, apart from playing a role, overanalyzing the validity of your needs.. I guess there's getting to know and accepting yourself. You know the self-love speech.. that can change many things.
If you'd like we can chat privately
@SomethingReallyStrange I think the very fact that you are reflecting on whether you are being abusive or not to your partner is very good sign. A true narcissist doesn’t reflect on themselves or think there’s anything for them to work on themselves ever. You actually sound a lot normal than you think prolly. I believe “The Body Keeps the Score” talked about how 30-40% of the population had insecure attachments, it’s more common than people think. The very fact that you are reflecting and trying to get into therapy is good sign. I’d give yourself more credit than you think you deserve.
I can really relate to what you wrote! I’m struggling with the same thing. I applaud us both for being able to see how we are perpetuating the problem
"Oh Dennis. I think that guy ruined my life. Do you know he never paid me?" This is exactly my mom after telling her something important like how I felt after spending the night with my dying childhood friend while she was in Hospice care.
Deflecting to get us to feel sorry for them! (I’m learning!)
It’s funny to imagine how they’d like the convo to progress - “Wow mom, forget what I was saying - that’s so hard… you must be suffering so much, with the fact that he owes you money! You had such a rough lot with that guy, he really victimized you! Let’s talk more about that!”
Empowered daughter here...I realized it's more damaging to try and talk to my mother about things. I really like how you do the different role plays...clearly demonstrates things. ❤
I thought these roll plays were silly at first .... but they are OH-so-helpful. Thank you!! 🙏🏻💗
I grew up with a really angry dad. I was terrified of him. I became codependent, a people pleaser and didn't learn to look after myself. I became the fixer. I felt wholly responsible for my dads anger. Through counseling I discovered how much this harmed me. My counselor encouraged me to talk with my dad and share how horrible this was for me. I was so scared to talk to him, I was afraid he'd minimize what happened and not apologize. My dad listened, he gave me a heart felt apology and talked about what he was going through during that time...he also said if, in my healing, this came up again, he'd be open to talk more about it 💕💗
So helpful to actually see these scenarios. Makes me feel a bit relieved to know I am not crazy and the only person who experiences this.
Oh my... I was wondering if my mother was a narcissist for a while now, but this is exactly her (a softer version of her though).
Yeah my mom yells and cusses us out if we bring up trauma
This whole thing is my mother. When I started therapy my mother's first question was, "do you talk about me!?" That was a throw back. I told her I refused to discuss it because it was private. She never asked anything again - no, "is it helping?" Or "can I do anything to help", nup- just pretended like it wasn't happening.
I could cry just listening to the “healthy mother” role play. I can’t imagine having a normal conversation like this with my Mom.
me too...it was actually the hardest part for me to hear.....healthy moms like this exist??
This brings up so much. I have definitely been obsessed with trying to get through to family members - it comes up in my dreams. Your role plays are super helpful. Their familiarity makes me very sad but they are simultaneously validating.
@Barbara you put it best. The familiarity is sad, but it simultaneously validating. Completely agree!
Your comment is so relatable. The obsession you have trying to get through to your family shows how much you love them and the return gaslighting has caused deep trauma within you. I understand because I have experienced this as well. I hope life has gotten better for you🙏💕.
These roll plays are really helpful. Thanks for sharing. When I was diagnosed with cancer my mother was angry. She told me I was selfish for getting sick as she worked so hard all her life and I went and got sick and who would take care of her now?. Hurts still 5 years on after treatment.
Yup. Same thing happened to me w my mother. I got cancer and she was the victim
This was almost verbatim a conversation between me and my mom pre cut off. This was so helpful to me to maintain the cut off. Thank you for all that you do!
People should actually record any conversation they have and note the similarities. Obviously nobody likes to be made to feel like they hurt their kids in some way but denial does not change it. Whatever was done.. was done and cannot be undone. Whatever effect it has in the child/ grown child it has had. But here is where the continuing effect can either be increased or decreased. A parent accepting responsibility is so important in the health of the relationship moving forward. I have found n not just in myself, that most are willing to meet their parents part of the way. We are not looking to crush them n we have probably already made allowances ( usually too many) for their behavior based on their childhood or circumstances in life some of which they had little or no control over. But once parents lash out, start gaslighting n minimizing n trying to now make themselves the victim n you the ungrateful perpetrator who will understand when you have your own kids,it's difficult to come back from that. Besides while there are some mistakes any one with kids will likely make n theirs a grain of truth about judging people without having walked in their shoes that doesn't hold water for many behaviors that go far beyond innocent mistakes or well intentioned acts that didn't go well. My parents were frequently getting frustrated and my father at the age of 70 even yelling at a therapist" We're not perfect" as if anyone was exposed then to be. It's such an obvious deflection but what I couldn't see until several years later us that if everyone makes mistakes n nobody's perfect as they liked to say why are you so resistant to hearing what yours are. It should be no big deal. It was their own shame that prevented them from hearing n acknowledging. Sad.
Seeing the normal mother’s responses is somewhat painful because I know I will never get those responses. I was diagnosed with PTSD by my therapist and we’re actively working on my trauma, I’m finally at the point where I feel comfortable with cutting ties with my mother, so things are getting better! But damn, what a process it is! Thank you for making these videos, they’re very informative and enlightening!
Having adhd with a narcissistic parent sucks. I forget so much that I'm very easily gaslighted and its made me constantly question on perception of things. I ended up having to move and just create distance. I'm also in therapy to process stuff, but I can't talk to her about any of it, because I'll be accused of making up stories for attention.
Wow, my mum was number one and she’s soooo threatened by my development! At 45!
Nikki, my therapist recently had me do some reading on the "parentified daughter" and it was chilling. Not sure it's your dynamic with your mum but for me, it *really* helps to explain my mum's rage and fury with me. Just thought I'd mention in case you want to read!
Kacee Puzniak thank you sooooo much! I will check it out! Xxx
I deeply believe that narcissistic mothers DO NOT want their children to succeed...They are competitive and sould crushing. Block her and blossom!
@jonesyO I am so sorry too.. Go Team scapegoat! Lots of love to you from Australia x
@@jenaya_laila2442 it’s so true!
My mother and I are the 3rd situation, but when she feels "attacked" she starts screaming so she doesn't have to hear it. Just watching this was able to set me off just like she does. I have tried talking to get like a rational adult, and she tell me I don't have" the right to talk to her like" because she is my mom... I'm 30 and she has always been the biggest problem in my life because of this behavior.
I’m truly very sorry to hear that. I understand and sympathize with that. It’s very energy draining and exhausting. My mom uses the same BS by clinging to the mantra “But I’m your mother!” As if giving birth to someone trumps years of gaslighting, blame, shaming, abuse.
My mom will say “ you can talk to me,” but when I do talk to her she flips out and goes “How dare you!” I am sick of falling into her trap of acting like she cares about how I feel or what I have to say. She has zero self awareness.
Your role play are so pedagogical! It's as if I heard my narcissistic mom and me ... couldn't even imagine other people were living the same things as I did.
This. is. my. mom. I've been enlightened for a long time (aware of the cycles in my family). I still struggle though at 34, with wanting her to do the same and grow and own up to all of it. I yearn for things to be different.
IN like your self I had hoped th same for my family and sibs, yet here I am in my mid 50's , one having the innerstahnding, and accepting that Austin had hope for, the change, did not and was not going to happen.
They are lost in darkness on auto piolt , the lights are off and nobody's home.
They closed their hearts, and now the Light is gone, and they are walking "out of their minds" playing the role the ego made up when they were children, a person's to fit into this, world of trauma.
Closing their hearts down, shutting off their light as children, hearts broken, left empty broken vessels.
A vicious cycle that defiantly needs to be broken.
Turning back to the past, is the only way of life in the future.
Passing the foundation of the adult being the child, is that child.is stunted spiritually, the body grows within the Light of the Spirit, the ago/ mind is blind and looking for outside source to programme it.
My mother is 84 she still will not take responsibility for her cruel and aggressive treatment, and pyshical .emotional, metal torture
Throughout chikdhood.
"Oh anyone would think you were hard done by"
Best thing I ever did was break away from her in my early 20's my sibs, however did not get so lucky, there were to.scared of her, the type who would keep everything bottled up, not a good thing to do, at all.
The prob was I still thought, well at least I have my sibs, sadly they too, are narcs, and I had to face the face that my energy will always be low, if I continue putting them before my emotionally me and feelings, felt like I had been hit by a bus for a week, it was a right slap in the face to except.
Yet I feel free, and my creativity has been given a boost, so that helps.
Hope you heal your pain before you get to my age, it's a long time wasted on people who chose not to change a long time ago.
Me too... I wish we had a healthy mother/daughter relationship. But sadly I am not sure that’s possible? I have many older friends who are like a surrogate mother to me.
I love the healthy segments... It makes me feel so good and cozy and happy....I am glad that needing or wanting that healthiness in my life is normal, and that I'm not asking too much of others to want them to be like that..... The healthy segment is my dream family, my idealistic circumstance.... It feels so good to see that and hear what love is and what that looks like
Jannellyharrus5042. I agree n appreciate his videos. I wish someone had real example though as doing a role play of a so called healthy mother could seem a little far fetched and like a TV show and most of us n our parents could easily dismiss it as unrealistic and having too "high of expectations" something sure plenty of others have been accused of..I find talking with some honest people/friends about difficult situations they have had with their twenty something children can be helpful. Or conflict resolution with a friend or colleague. As a society we are very poor at conflict resolution even with people who are not even close to us n can't request hurt by and even though the close relationships like family or friends may be important or seems it's not important enough to some... actually many people to put their ego aside. So many walking wounded out there who never got the help they needed but function well enough in certain areas of their life that they think they're ok. Sometimes for awhile they can keep it all together.
I really enjoy these role-plays. They convey so well those Dynamics that are so hard to explain
The healthy mother made me cry. Wow, there are really some moms in the world like that.