YES! Such a marker when one can access reason, can slow down or access past the emotional reactions to reason, and then gets butted against the emotional, shaming and image behaviours/ reactions of the other. Like a role, or generation reversal.
Yes, this was very interesting to hear. My boyfriend has a narcissistic mother, and sometimes it seems like he's waiting for her to finally admit to her actions when he was a child (she was a crack addict and he went into care), but now he seems to be slowly realising that she never will, and although it hurts, he's slowly accepting it. I had to do the same with my brother, he discarded me fully over a year ago, and I was still holding out hope that he would speak to me again, but I have to except that he is stuck in his ways, he was extremely abusive when I was so young, and I am better off without him. I'm going to use the technique where you write down every abusive act they committed, in order to see it all in black and white, and not make excuses for them anymore, or tell myself "yeah, but he was nice when they did this...". Don't know the official name of it though 😅
They NEVER Will. I wish I had moved on from trying to find closure with my mother. I tried many times, but was shamed by my siblings and eventually returned to care for her. My siblings were like her flying monkeys.
You said “shallow parents think shopping, and having friends etc, arcs like an insurance policy to not be held accountable for emotional, physical and sexual abuse”. I ducked.🙇♀️ I’ve been gaslighting myself with that for a while, “well, it wasn’t that bad, at least they Fede or bought me food and clothes, blah blah blah”, which society often says as well. Thank you for another amazing and enlightening video, it brings clarity to some of my decades old self-denial.
Please do more videos like this about narcissistic mother/child communications. This is very helpful to see from an outside perspective. It’s hard as a child of a narcissistic mother to understand when gaslighting and other tactics are used in conversations. It’s easy to get confused and bogged down. And if I can’t avoid the parent it is so helpful to at least in my mind know, “oh that’s actually gaslighting, I’m not going crazy”
Yes. I 100% agree with Myris Steimer's comment. Even though this video was showing subtle and more obvious abuse, that communication style dominated my childhood. The more examples I see, the more I can believe that this upbringing was emotional abuse and not me being too sensitive. Also, the parts where you point out examples of codependency are encouraging. That's a response I can change.
Yes please these have been so helpful! For years I’ve been struggling to accept my mum has a lot of narcisstic traits. I just got off the phone to her again and I’ve been constantly thinking I’m too much but she shakes me so much and I’ve been so suicidal and struggling with things in my life and she still made it about her, that she had to go cause she was frustrated doing something. I always feel like I’m too much emotionally for her but it finally clicked for me today that’s it’s not me, any friend would never treat me like that, she just is emotionally immature and doesn’t have empathy for my emotions, I literally told her I rang lifeline last night to talk to someone too. But she said nothing, she just really care. It was all about how busy and stressed she is and her needs. I would love to see more of these also for boyfriends as well as I’m struggling with dating as I’ve always dating narcissisists as I haven’t known any different, thanks so much!! Thanks for helping me feel validated and I’m not crazy for having a need when I’m depressed and suicidal to talk to my mum, but she always shames me and makes me feel like I’m too much. It’s time to accept this reality finally and distant myself a bit as it’s messing with my mental health constantly every time I reach out to her for support I end up feeling worse. Thanks so much
@@tmw7550 Do not show "weakness" or "pain" to a narcissist. I gave my mother a special ring tone. It was that "Drive Alarm" in the movies when the submarine is going to go down. Whenever she called, it helped jack up my adrenaline, and put up my defensive boundaries. I have had several tragedies in my life including the death of my daughter. Also subsequently falsely accused and arrested for IPV, and child abuse of my other daughter by my covert narc ex. All accusations without foundation. Not a word to my mother, and not a word of comfort from her. (Although, this reminds me of the moment where she played the rescuer. Sick Bitch!) From your words, it seems like your mother sees you drowning and tosses you a barbell. The hard lesson to accept, but she is not, and never will be a source of comfort. I often wondered how I would feel when she died. I felt nothing except mild relief. I had grieved many years earlier. Learn to be kind to yourself.
This is scarily spot on. It took me so many years to recognize my father's narcissism (because he is such a "nice guy"). One very telling example though is when, around age 28, I told him about my brother's sexual abuse of me. His response was "I don't know what you want from me." At the time, I backed off because he played the victim card. Now I would say "I want you to apologize for not protecting me." Note, said father is a psychologist. Also, my mom, who was generally a more difficult character, said just that when I told her. "I'm so sorry, there were indications I ignored. I should have protected you." I took some time this year to process and focus on myself after getting out of a very scary abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist in 2019. I finally realized that my "nice guy" dad had indeed played a role in making me more susceptible to narcissistic abuse and I wanted to sit with my feelings and my family history. I just kept saying (through text) to my dad "I've been through a lot, I need some time." He got more and more upset at my non-communication and finally told me a few weeks ago that I had irreparably damaged our relationship and I could "have my space." I was less upset than I thought I would be because it felt like a release from the Golden Child role I had been playing for 40 years or so. Notice that me saying nothing unkind or even the least confrontational, just "I need some time" ultimately triggered rage.
Wow. That he was a psychologist is the kicker. So many psychologists I’ve been to that I didn’t like in the first appointment I actually wondered how they were to their own family. This is really eye opening.
That ‘what do you want from me’ victimy vibe I strongly relate to in a parent then being the hero child, with a caretaking role of them/the parents. This type of parent really does not have a clue/hasn’t accessed their deep shame or awareness. It feels so good for me at this point in my life to give them space and focus on me.
You are amazing! You owe nothing to your father, or anyone for that matter. Sitting with your grief and trauma, unravelling it all and processing it, is a great step. Stay strong, and don't feel guilt for taking care of yourself x
So familiar. My father used to complain (when he was alive) about how little attention my mother showed to him. On a couple of occasions I tried saying, "try having that for a MOTHER." - crickets - then back to complaining about how little attention she showed to him. It's hard having 2 narcissistic parents. I appreciate the suggestion to only tell the truth to safe people, and to give up on trying to make them "get it".
The cool thing about all these videos is that Patrick doesn't use any fancy camera tricks, and just uses his mental powers to create another instance of himself to act out in these scenarios.
My narcissistic mom actually moved her boyfriend into our home WHILE MY DAD WAS STILL LIVING THERE, during the divorce. I was 14 and it was absolute hell. I'm 28 now and to this day she refuses to acknowledge how abusive that was. She believes she is the victim and we all just ganged up on her for no reason. Its sick.
They’ll justify pretty much any behavior when they cast themselves as the victim all the while refusing to admit that you were actually the real victim, not them.
Oof! The “limited age specific view” is my parents. My mom sees me as the toddler who would sing songs that made her feel better and my dad prefers the elementary school kid who thought the sun rose and set with him and who didn’t have any opinions of my own.
This video helped me understand where most of my toxic shame comes from - I've been carrying my mother's own mountain of the stuff that she chose to offload onto me 😕
My mother has long since passed, but I did attempt to have a conversation with her about how hurtful & damaging some of her behaviors had been. It never got near this far with her. It was painful to face her inability to see or hear me, but it did allow me to accept the truth about where she was and grieve the limitations of our relationship. I had to seek understanding elsewhere & heal without her participation. Same held true for my dad. I wish we could have done it together but that remained a wish.They have both been gone a long time and I am grateful that healing has been possible for me without their participation.. Thank you for your work. These videos are so helpful & validating!
Dear Patrick, Not sure whether I told you this before, but I need you to know that you're a gift and treasure to this world! Your generosity shines! Having taken the time not only to prepare the roles play but also to clinically explain in detail so eloquently the numerous manipulation strategies shows how much you care about healing the world. For this pure heart of yours, I can't be grateful enough! 💙 Guess we all know deep inside who are those dislinking this gem 💎 of video...
My mom often said that " we used to be so close, when I was a child" It's like she doesn't want me to grow and develop my skills in my adult life. Like, psychology My mom is just as much as in your video. Non personal attachment or bonding
As English is not my native language, I'd like to apologize in advance. My mom said the same things: "We used to be so close, we had such a great relationship." Many years later, I understand that an emotionally abusive relationship isn't just "great", but "great for someone", just as "being close" with a narcissistic parent is not mutual, but directed towards the parent's needs.
I completely relate to this. I feel developmentally stunted and it’s very difficult. I am 27 now and just barely scratching the surface of understanding.
Nice moniker... I've had that license since my mother died. I was that same type of kid. When I drew the line on being parentified, my siblings saw it as my betrayal of her. I have been an outsider in my family for 30 years. Somehow, somewhere along the way, she convinced them that I betrayed her--AND was "trying to displace" my father. Being "close" to a narc not only isn't possible--it is dangerous.
This is so helpful. I'm on the autism spectrum and struggle with conversational cues, taking what people say at face value, believing them, giving too much credibility. Thank you so much, these videos are exactly the sort of exercise I've been wanting in order to wrap my head around these dynamics, and what they look like in real life. 👍👍👍!
@@loganplonski922 Yes, and going back to unpleasant memories, at least for me, they start to make sense in a new light once learning these things. Really helpful, even years or decades after the fact.
This is what it's like talking to my parents. After, the last incident of disrespect, I went completely no contact. 32 days now. It's like losing both of ur parents on the same day at the same time. I believe I've grieved them for years prior to this because I knew they could never fundamentally own ANY dysfunction they caused or enabled. I had to do it to move on with my life. I am not sorry the least. I feel free.
I stopped the contact with my family since August now. Is hard. Is super stupid but I still have the hope that they will show up and everything will be fine. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 30 than. First time without my family. I am not sure if I can go through this. My friends are there for me and I know they want to surprise me. I am just afraid that I will start crying and can not stop it. How you guys deal with it? When do it stop to hurt ?
@@Suzaku5hin it will be difficult at times. Cry and continue to move forward. This is a practice of self love. That's how we got in this position in the first place. Take back your power! God has always sent someone to fill the void left by someone I chose no longer to give my power to. Create your own family that you choose. Keep ur head up and open your heart for love and above all.. keep smiling! You got this!
You make this so crystal clear. Those of us who grew up with these parents and then go on to codependent relationships recognize every single part of this scenario.
My mother switched a lot. One point she witnessed my ex getting abusing towards her. She said if he does that with people here imagine what he does when it’s just my daughter and him. Then a month after I got out of the hospital from abuse my mother asked me if he really abused me. And she felt sorry for him. True story. 😢 So happy I’m done with her.
omg. my mom talks in korean but i heard her talk through this video. its a truly universal thing. she would constantly flip between "Youre the best in the world, no partner / employer should ever take advantage of you and I am here to protect you from them" and "Youre not good enough for any partner / employer thank god theres me to take care of you regardless of your many flaws and protect your partner / employer from you." She would say the former when I have a boyfriend/employer so that she could alienate me from them and prevent me from gaining independence through a relationship/job. She would say the latter when I dont have a partner/employer so that she could prevent me from trying to have one and also to justify any abuse she did to me in the name of "improving" myself through her methods. When I confront her with facts, saying that all my friends think I am a kind person and my teachers think my work is amazing, she persuades me into thinking that they are all lying to me just to be nice and that she is the only one being truly nice by being honest so that I can have a chance to improve. I tried an experiment on her recently and its astonishing how she flips from "youre too precious for this world" to "youre not good enough for this world" in a matter of seconds, within the same conversation! "two kids....who came out fine, by the way" seriously. every nice aspect about me = her making. every "negative" aspect (including natural things like getting pimples or wearing glasses) = me "ruining" her perfect creation. Shes always the VICTIM. she blames marrying my dad for Everything under the sun, including having me and therefore ruining her life. (i mean, she dated him for 3 years before deciding to marry him and specifically went to fertility clinics for months to conceive me so it was HER choice). and the doom prophecy that the terrible thing that happened to her will happen to me as well, and shes the only HERO that can save me from it. Its like a president that constantly claims they are being attacked so that he could have a perpetual state of martial law.
This is so much like most every conversation with my mother. :( I'm trying to keep boundaries this Christmas but she makes it hard. She ruins every holiday,birthday or achievement I've ever had.
Hang on there! Holiday season is hell for sure. 💪 It's going to be okay, take good care of yourself, give yourself some breaks and treats if you're with your mother or family for some time.
Christmas is so hard like that. It's just another day though, maybe organise something just afterwards with a trusted friend? Then when family speak to you, you are not really focusing on them, but on your trusted person.
I had a conversation very much like this with my mother recently. It was disappointing to listen to her gaslight and manipulate me, but after learning about my family system history, I had more realistic expectations which helped me process and understand the interaction better. Still surprised that I have such a hard time figuring out what is wrong when something abusive/manipulative is said; only get a feeling that it felt icky. It now makes so much sense to me now why I have a history of not being able to close doors on relationships and let people go! Next stop, codependency resources!
I'm in my 40s and learned from this analysis. I've always known and called her on her bs, it also explains why I never really let my guard down around her. I'm fortunate that I had enough sense to move out at 19 and my tolerance for her bs is practically 0 but I held out hope her older age would finally cure her, she's nowhere as crazy as years ago but her bag of tricks is always near so I reached my limit and had to ask her to move out apartment in my house
Such a great role play example. Wow...cannot access their shame and shame runs them unconsciously. Inside I knew this but seeing it articulated feels very affirming. More awareness to the subtle ways I’ve played the 3 roles.
This is so powerful and eye-opening. My mother would show some interest in my kids when they were very young but as soon as they grew old enough to have their own opinions and preferences she stopped being involved in their lives unless it was to get them to do favors for her. We can only get along if I agree with everything she says. I have previously attempted to let her know what my childhood experiences were but she cannot comprehend anyone else’s point of view. I want to go back to no contact but she manipulates my teenage children and I end up being the crazy bad guy so I feel trapped. My kids don’t see their grandma the same way and it makes me second guess my judgement of the situation which is why I’m back.
That sounds hard. I would like to say: Please protect your children from her by going NC again. Teenagers are old enough to learn about narcissistic abuse and narcissism. It would help them in life as well as to see her manipulation. I wish I was protected and taught about manipulation tactics and emotional abuse when I was a teenager. It would have saved me decades of pain and bad choices. I grew up with my parents making excuses for my grandparents and dismissing their behavior as normal. It was not normal, it was abusive. I didn’t see it at the time, I just thought my grandma was sometimes “mean” to my dad or brothers. So, I do think it would be best to teach your children that this kind of behavior is abusive and not acceptable. I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for you and your children. I am sorry you got sucked back into it and now have kids involved. I wish you all the best. Stay strong. Much love to you. 💕
Share these videos with them, and they can then make informed decisions for themselves. We should ALL be learning about narcissism as children, anyway.
Just an hour ago I discorvered your channel and, damn, my mother and my father were more abusive then I gave them credit for. I have tried to repair the relationship of my mom and me but got backstabbed after I set a boundary because she crossed a line (discussing a problem that got solved). This was a real milestone because I finally realized I had to learn to set more boundaries overall because I would often be codependent in my relationships. I would always try "to get" people, understand them and see what I can do, when in reality I should've protected myself from them. The biggest thing though was when my mom couldn't say a word when I told her my dad died. She was so emotionless that my havy rain of tears got soaked up again by my eyes. I went from horribly sad to totally irritated about the lack of emotions. It was really weird. Now she always tells me it's totally okay I need space but as soon as I text her, she says "why didn't you tell me" and "I am your mom, I should know that stuff". Like, yeah, mom, you should. You should be invested in my feelings. When the video said that children need to grieve about their lost connection to their parent, I first didn't understand what that meant but now as I'm writing this I STILL feel really angry about it because my mom, after 3 years, never said a word about her backstabbing me. Even when I told her I couldn't say that I loved her, she was just like "man, that hurts me". And I was there like: ?!?!?! you don't care about why that may be ?!?! The weird thing is that she still wants to hug me like crazy when I am visibly uncomfortable and I don't hug back ... but I'm really tired of being the grown up. I am tired of telling her how relationships should work and that I am not her adult friend but still her daughter. That I still need motherly care and love. I am so so tired of it ... So I just don't text her much and try to keep my distance. Also, yes, I am seeking out help and I can't wait for therapy to start so I can get better! Thank you for making these videos, they really help. Especially the role play helps me understand why I might not be behaving right (codependency) and how subtle abusing behaviour really can be. When you hear people talk about it, it's difficult to imagine what it would actually look like. Especially the one video where where there was one version with a supportive mom, it was so obvious what went wrong in the other versions.
I stopped talking to my dad for 4 years because of my narcissistic mother. Practically blamed him for her cheating and all when in fact he was nothing but good to her made me hate him with information I really shouldn’t of heard as a kid. Always played the victim always hides who she is as a person can’t admit when she’s in the wrong.
As someone who has tried to talk to my narc mom in a million different ways the bad end result is inevitable. I've learned that it is not about how I frame my honesty - my mother takes issue with the honesty itself. And that... I cant compromise on or fix. Love and peace to anyone out there dealing with this stuff! ❤️
Wow!! I always felt like i was a horrible daughter that blew things way outta proportion. And I've always been told that I'm a drama queen and way too sensitive. I've tried to tell her how it's affected me and my life and my children. She's an amazing grandmother to a couple of my kids. They still don't believe the woman that I see. What do I do when it comes to my own children? Do I allow the relationship or try to keep them away from her? My 25 year old daughter thinks she's a saint and I just nod my head usually and smile because I know my daughter loves her. Is it wrong for me to wish my mom was that good to me growing up??
No, it's absolutely not wrong to feel that way. I think it's part of the grief that you feel because you didn't have that connection. You have to keep in mind though that the connection between your daughter and your mom is totally different to yours. I could imagine that my mom can be great with children because they do need different psychological care than grown ups. Also, you and your mom have had much more time together and you were dependent on your mom - you daughter isn't. It's not as close as a relationship which probably makes it easier for both of them to connect and have a good time cause it is limited.
It's anything but wrong!!! Your emotions are beyond being valid and I would not be shocked she's being the fake "nice" grandma only for the sake of getting you to feel you are the crazy one! You know the truth and decided to get educated (our most powerful weapon against abusers) to protect your sanity! Keep going with your education and never doubt your narrative! I wish I could tell you to go no-contact with her but I'm guessing it's not that easy, given your daughter loves her... Sending much love in your direction 🤗
Yup. All of this. Everytime I stand up for myself, it's flipped on me that I'm being dramatic or making problems where there aren't any. My trauma counselor is amazing and is helping me work through all that.
Thanks for explaining exiled shame! I see this a lot in my own mom. While growing up, I was made to not reveal certain things she said and did to anyone else in the family, even though the whole family already knew how she was.
Yes! Thank you very much 🙏 looking forward to have some time to watch this. I am at my parents for the week, with my narcissistic mom being quite difficult as always, and I read the comments or re-watch some videos and it gives me strength... 💪 So thank you and also everyone here because it feels good to be understood and not feeling alone in this ❤️
This video is amazing--so many things felt so familiar in the mother's responses. I'd like to request that you do an analysis on the healthy and empowered daughter version--I'd love to be able to more fully understand the dynamics of a healthy and empowered response. I am learning so much from your videos--thank you!!
This is my mother's relationship with me down to a T. It's so surreal to see it role played out and realize how familiar it all is. I'm very grateful to see codependency exhibited this way. I've known that I've had codependency issues for a while, but this video gives me so much more clarity and comfort by helping me understand myself and my mother a little bit better. I'm not really sure how I will proceed with my own relationship with my parents (both have narcissistic traits), but it is good to know that my feelings can be validated.
Appreciated the role play. Was painful to hear the same dismissive words and blame shifting. However, it was so validating at the same time. I needed this exercise of truth, but you know what? The daughter had more patience than me LOL! I would have said, “forget it, I’ve got to go.” My mother and father were both shallow people. They would both use money as a means to shut you up. “You ungrateful child.” My father would pay bills purchase groceries and consider himself a good parent. Whatever. It takes a whole lot more to connect with your child in an emotionally, mature, accepting, loving, responsible manner-environment.
This video has been very helpful in processing a recent conversation between a parent and myself. Understanding the lack of responsibility as a parent, to the point where they have now lost complete communication from both of their children. I'm so grateful for the safe support network i have with the rest of my family and friends who I can discuss with and have no reservations. At the time i realised that i was experiencing verbal, mental and emotional abuse was in the middle of my parent financially supporting me with a house renovation after offering from a recent inheritance. Which made the abuse worse as they thought they had control over me and my partners general decisions. After a discussion on how I wasnt willing to continue with the abuse, they all of a sudden stopped the financial support (resulting in me having to get a loan for thousands), threatened me with court to retrieve the funds even after i demanded I pay back all money spent. They also tried to convince the builders not to work for me anymore (although they did continue as they wanted to get paid) and claimed that I "would be nothing" without them Their reaction to my suggestion of therapy, individually or as a family, as a way to move forward has been ignored and overtaken by denial and their need to feel entitled and superior. Therefore, I no longer engage. Sadly, I am battling guilt and heartbreak as they will not see their children for Christmas as normal and may just feel lonely on a day to day basis. They have a long term partner but don't see each other every day as they are more dedicated to their family. It's so hard reminding myself that its for the best for mine and my families mental health. I'm sending love to anyone who feels this video is reflective of something they have experienced 💕
Thank you for this video. I have tried for years to get my truth across in many different ways to my parents. It ends up in me getting distressed and then viewed as an unstable person. I end up feeling bad and ruminating and feeling down on myself. I never saw myself as codependent but as a daughter who causes trouble because I can't forget about the past and present and make peace. I think that it's time for me to accept my parents as unsafe(I didn't know this was an option because I felt like it was my mission to fix my parents) and grieve. It's triggering for me and heart breaking. I experience an intense feeling in my body that's hard to identify.
Thanks for these relatable and enlightening videos. When I was a teenager I tried to have these kind of conversations with my parents, but they went terribly. Stopped doing that, not only with them but with everybody, and thought I was somehow bad at them. A few years later a therapist I was seeing because I was depressed, explained the how to's on having these kind of conversations. Tried it again with my parents, but it failed again. Didn't have any 'real' conversations with anybody, struggled with saying no, putting boundairies etc. Being very lonely. Now I realise it's because my mother has NPD and my dad.. well I don't know what to make of him, he enables my mother, chooses her side, manipulates and lies to us as well. So now I'm learning to have these conversations with healthy people. Still struggling but also progressing a lot. My parents think we have a great relationship to each other, but we don't talk about anything real at all.
Yeah, went through this cycle with my Mom and Dad this past year. It was mostly related to how they were treating our kids and trying to act as if they got the final say on how to discipline them when we weren't immediately available. Worse still my Mom lied both times about how available we were. Once to me and once to my wife. She could have let us handle the disciplinary issue both times. But, instead she decided to gaslight and scapegoat our middle-child instead of include us in the discipline process. I'm not wasting energy trying to help her get it anymore, though.
These vids are so useful. When you're raised by a narcissist they bamboozle you with manipulative tactics for so long that you cant recognize how a healthy conversation ought to flow. They're really eye opening and helpful, im trying really hard to recognize the tactics employed during convo with my own mother... but sometimes they're not always so obvious or blatant. Its the subtleties, and the way they disarm you by honing in on your specific vulnerabilities and triggers that makes dealing with narcissists so harmful to a person - the danger lies in the way it frequently flies under the radar. Not only to outsiders, but to yourself as a victim. Thanks again 💗
I love this episode so so much. I also was brought to tears by it. You did such an amazing job resonating the dynamic of communicating with an unreachable mother. Thank you, as I go into my second year of no contact this truly fortified me by allowing me to grieve, introspectively, my relationship with my parents.
This really illustrates the dynamic of my own relationship with my mother and my repeated attempts to make her understand what I went through in my childhood, and how every time I’ve tried to the conversation gets shut down just like this. The manipulation, shaming, gaslighting, victimization. I’m glad in a way to be becoming wise to this now, in my twenties. It is unfortunate how common this behavior is, and it can be difficult to acknowledge when it’s your own family acting this way. Thank you for the video
This is the first time I have watched this video. It is great timing too because I recently recognized my continued need to try to discuss my feelings with my mom. What is that quote; " the definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result"? Something like that anyway. This has been me. Seeing this video is like being lost in the woods with just an intuition about where to go and then suddenly finding a map and realizing you were on the right path.
Thank you, these analyses are really enlightening. If you’re conditioned in these kinds of conversations, it can be hard to understand just what is going on, and you just get caught up in the frustration of hitting a brick wall. Being able to see familiar phrases from a distance is so helpful
Soooooo, I assume you were listening in on my many conversations with my narcissistic mother and mother-in-law. This is incredible! Will the narc parent ever see the light? Most likely on her deathbed
I appreciated the insight about how loyalty becomes more important than decency. That's part of what keeps that "engine" running of not wanting to abandon hope for the relationship. Just like in your video about how our healthy shame systems can get messed up, this shows me how a healthy loyalty system can get messed up. I want to think carefully about my loyalties and see where they've become more or less than is warranted.
Had a break down - ended up crying in front of my parents about my worries (which were plenty, my BF was in the hospital, mom had cancer, my sister was sick too and I felt completely alone).. I had to postpone my degree and I felt so stressed just contemplating telling them.. Ended up with me blurting out I was stressed about all their bickering and worried about them divorcing (I have since come to the conclusion, that it might have been better, although probably not).. Parent response: ARE YOU CRAZY???!!!!.. Both of them decided to start screaming at me...
@@bashisobsolete.pythonismyn6321 Better places, hopefully :D Planning on fixing my relationship with my sisters and getting my degree^^ And enjoying life with my supportive hubby^^ Not sure what I'll do about my relationship with my dad though... I think he might be a covert narc although I'm not sure...
I didn't get half way through the healthy conversation before the sobbing began. What a comfort to hear the words, even if my own mother is incapable of saying them.
This video was spot on and so 😢. I've lived these conversations for the last year and have went no contact to emotionally protect myself. I must grieve the loss and I'm struggling to know how....
Thank you for your videos! My therapist has me doing talks with my mother to break the trauma. It is hard!!!!! But these videos help me asking the way ❤️
This has been an eye opener for me. it’s amazing how you capture the very tones and fakeness so perfectly. The father son role play was also remarkable for myself and my brother in understanding our father. This one, is my mother-in-law. Does codependency seek out narcissism? I am riddled with these people in my business and personal life.
Absolutely wonderful. This was like hearing my broken record mother talk to me throughout my life. I’ve finally decided to stop speaking to her. Thank you for the validation!
This really hurts to watch. This could word for word be me and my mom. Even the marrying someone abusive right after divorcing my dad and then acting like *I* hurt her if I bring it up now because it was SO painful for her to live through. Thank you so much for this. I'm going to bring it into my therapist to talk about!
I stayed in contact with my mother longer because I just couldn't believe BOTH of my parents could be narc much less three (my stepmother) I still second guess myself sometimes like maybe there is something wrong with me. But I know what happened and videos like this validate my experience thank you so much!!
Once I tried to call my father out, by saying that I think that his behaviour is narcissistic... The next half hour of our conversation was me defending my statement and explaining to him, that I never said that he "was like Donald Trump", that I didn't think that "he's the worst person on earth", etc. All the things he thought I implied, but that I never, ever said or thought. I was just trying to show him what his behaviour in certain circumstances is like. :(
I cut contact with my Dad after a coversation like this. A lot of gaslighting and denial, trying to redirect who the victim was, and eventually trying to rescue me from an imagined cult (bcs I reccomended therapy). No contact for 3 yearsish. I don't keep track. Only just realising he's a narcissist. Not super surprised my mum ended up with him bcs /her/ mother is a narcissist. She sought out that same family dynamic again. Lucky me
Excellent video and spot on analysis. You make it easier to pinpoint why conversations with narcissist feel so wrong, but you just don't know why (especially, if you were abused for decades). Plus, they always deflect any guilt for talking like that with rational arguments like "I was only concerned for your safety, how can you blame me for that?" BTW: how do you get that video effect done with you twice in the image?
This conversation and the one with the healthy mother exemplified very accurately how my mother deals with my truth-telling and how I wish she would deal. Really hard to listen to, but helpful to witness. I am about to tell the truth to my father for the first time in as real a way as I always have with my mother. It is going to be very hard, but I am not duping myself into thinking he will respond well. I fully expect to be shot down, but not having false expectations is helping me to be prepared. I will not let the conversation continue if he is stuck in a dismissive mindset. My father is not narcissistic like my mother, but he is codependent with her and me, so I expect he will try to get me to pity him and take care of him. I have a close friend who will be present with me, though not participating, as support. I feel like I have been prepping for this conversation since I was a teenager. I know that this is the last olive branch I am extending. After this, it will be on them to reach out and rebuild relationship with me. I have been meeting them where they are at for much too long.
Oh - oh veeeyyy, Total mind explosion - I keep pausing and rewinding ( that means going back!) this video has SoMany Layers of truth! Will need to listen many times. So helpful to see the daughter’s codependent position. .... if I just state facts and responses, the disconnect will be resolved. The use of image and shame - two things that merit more understanding. And yet, on the other hand, one needs to monitor how much energy to put into that. That is my balancing act - understanding, and living in the present. Funny how the timeline and energy flow between intrusive thoughts, surviving, and at times thriving and moving on in a healthy, compassionate, and creative way while having compassion also, for shadow aspects. This video is like a rich chocolate truffle. All consuming, coveted, and inhaled small piece at a time. Gush time: Patrick Teahan creates these videos like a consummate conductor. He has the formal balance of Bach, and the flourishes and exuberance of Mozart.
i wish i had had these videos as a teenager so i could have seeked help about the way my mom was, and had a way to show my therapist how she treated me so they wouldn't allow her to brainwash them like she managed to every time. you are doing an amazing thing in spreading awareness and examples of this behavior for people to better understand things happening to them. please never stop with these
Super helpful to view the dynamic from an outside perspective. This is how most of my family relates, and I would have never seen it this clearly without a picture painted like this.
Love your role play videos. Think so often people can read about something, but visually seeing it in action brings it into focus. Helps us not to overlook the manipulations of others.
How do I stop myself from getting lassoed back , especially when my 5yr sister is used as bait , so far I've avoided contact at the expense of my relationship with my sister , but other family members constantly bring mum up and tell me I need to forgive her because she's 'done so much '
Ask yourself if she really were "doing so much" like others are saying.. then why would she use your sister as a pawn to manipulate you into filling the role she wants you to play. Family or acquaintance don't know the same person you know, narcissistic parents make sure of that, they know only what she shows them. I hope you can get a relationship with your sister while still holding onto the boundaries you set for your own health.
Funny... that sounds like the kind of manipulative reasons Christians give for why you need to ask Jesus to forgive you (besides the threat of eternal damnation, of course). "He died for you, you know. Are you just going to ignore him knocking at the door of your heart?"
@@suzannep thanks guys , lil update she has completely blocked me from seeing my lil sister and said I must get in contact with my dad to arrange a separate time and place , and she still refuses to let me see her , it's been tough so I decided to go full no contact, I think it's easier than the painfully back and fourth . Thanks again
@@Vivixl798 I feel you, it's very hard. I allways had a good relationship with my little sisters (10 years younger than me) and my mum did the same thing when they were 7 and 9 years old. Im NC with my mum and the relationship with my sisters is broken. Sorry English is not my first language. It's sad, but it's better than handle all the toxicity and drama. Take care
@@davi-dova1102 Sorry to hear that, it's honestly gut wrenching when it happens, i hope you took care of yourself and remember that you can always reach out when they're older x
OMG … chills down my spine, this is the exact conversation i always have with my mother captured perfectly… i feel for what you have overcome to make this youtube channel
This is so good! I love how you analyzed this conversation bit by bit to help the viewer understand what is really happening. Thank you for taking the time to make your videos. My friend shared one of your videos with me and now I am sharing with another friend. 😊
Thx for the role play. I think as a mom, or even anybody else, it's not always easy to hear of one's short comings. And shooting off at them is not the right way to try and get them to aknowledge a problem. Nobody would like that. One should prepare the discussion. We are all humans. Including those who have personality disorders. One should really be more compasionate and wise, in dealing with difficult matters. And if one knows that a person can't deal with a matter, then it's wiser not to continue to discuss that. Just hook off. Every single humsn being has one or another matter that is delicate withon themselves. It doesn't mean that they are Narcs. Nor perverts. Just humans!! Be nice and kind to each other, instead of firing out all the time. Namaste. 🙏
You're the best. You really get it. I'm just starting to be able to stand up for myself and describe how her actions effect me. She denies any culpability, of course. But you, you really do get it. Thank you for the validation.
It's all so subtle isn't it and quick. When you're in the convoy you're so confused. It's a volley of stuff coming at you and you get confused, angry, upset and then afterwards feel drained and guilty.
Sir, thank you for sharing these videos. I've become so much more aware of my own codependency cycles and how my father was exactly like this. These clinical analysis videos are extremely helpful in really getting a look at what's happening underneath and I'm grateful for this. Thank you again.
Omg, that last slide was so helpful. I’ve never seen codependency described so simply. Totally see myself needing and pushing through my “engine” in order to fix things with my narc husband. He barely ever tried to fix anything
This is exactly my mother! A few weeks later, I asked what her reflections were concerning this conversation. Her response, "Oh, you mean that day you were mean ans cruel to me!? Nothing, I put it out of my mind so I could forgive you. I'm too old for this". 😖
Thank you for these types of analyses. This is motivating me to reach out to someone about my family to find a way to handle it. My mother and grandmother both do all of these things, and even as an adult I’m so dependent on them. My mother expects to move in with me when I’m older and asks me for grandkids. Me, a lesbian, for grandkids. My grandmother treats it like a betrayal, pulling the victim card by crying and being “heartbroken” when I came out. Now, she says sweetly that she wants me to marry a boy. It took 5 years to do that, and I expected everything that happened beforehand. Neither of them truly care about me or my personal happiness. They care about making my life go their way, the way they think is right. I’m young so I “don’t understand”. Because of how they’ve raised me, I never cared about being happy. I only wanted to please everyone so nobody got upset. They wonder why I never tell them anything, and this clinical analysis sums up exactly why.
This was really hard to listen to because it's like a replay of every serious conversation with my mother. The amount of emotional trauma she gave me was unbelievable. I get that we were all going through a rough time but to gaslight and make me seem like the bad guy really messed me up. At one point I had mustered up the courage to actually start a conversation about how she neglected both my sister and I and her response was we had it better than her and that at least she didn't beat us. Needless to say the conversation did absolutely nothing. Now I don't really talk to my mother, but she came to the town My sister and I live in and my bf saw how I interact with her and he got really confused. Because when I'm actually infront of her I spill every ounce of what's happened in my life to get even the slightest feeling of actually having a mom
Love your role play + clinical analysis videos so much. They’re so helpful and dare I say it, entertaining to watch. Really appreciate the message and the medium. Thanks for your hard work!!
OMG This sincerely hurts so much. And I knew it but continued to persist in trying to get my mother (and other family members) to "get it" and "own it". And usually for the sake of other people feeling more comfortable, like my children who have a different relationship with my mother. The positive is the clinical points, though I hadn't seen through all of them, I had identified some of the strategies but when I try to tell others about them, they give excuses or somehow point out to me that I'm the problem and if I just did or said "this...(fill in the blank which ultimately means fall into line with the rest of us - continue to accept your role as family scapegoat). I spend so much energy or time either trying to convince others or obsess about who no one in my family believes me. This is so painful but I'm grateful for these videos.
Patrick thank you so so much for your videos. I've been in therapy for 7 months now and these videos are really helpful to see real life examples AND ALSO to see what healthy parenting looks like - its so foreign to me. Please continue making these videos, you are helping so so many people.
I feel so validated! Thank you! SO much makes more sense now, I love seeing the notes as to WHY my mom has turned things and said things she has said or done. Thank you!! I am working towards No Contact with her, I just need help breaking my trauma bond with her, first. Your videos have also helped me realize that its my inner child that gets stuck, and can't tell her no, and I feel like working on that, will work on my trauma bond. Also working through my insurance to find the right therapist for me, that is covered.
Patrick....... beautiful presentation on how such interactions actually look in experience with NARC parenting when the adult child is making efforts to work such issues through......... I’m noticing the triggers here for myself and I am one who has “done the work” over decades...... the primary NARC in my life died just under a year ago..... the relief is such a strong emotion theres even a tinge of guilt..... though clearly is progression and transformational once experienced. Thank you
Omg rings so true. Sadly, i cannot go anywhere conversationally with my mother. I just have to keep it totally superficial to avoid being re-wounded over again. Its very lonely
Eek I saw the video earlier but this really hammers home the issues. Others previously tried to indicate my issues with my parents were "that's all they're capable of" but didn't underscore the codependency and it seemed like a way to excuse their poor behavior instead of helping me break away (bc cutting them off was heavily discouraged). This is amazing wow...
I spent five months processing my 26 year old daughter's "truths." We were at a point where she had stopped talking to me on the phone and would only text, very long texts. I tried my best to be the "good mother" and told her I wanted to hear it all, but it was hard to remember some of the details of the issues she raised. I was defensive at times when she left out important details. I wasn't gaslighting, but it was tricky to draw the line between truth and accuracy. With daily prayer and reflection and the help of a therapist, I was able to finally face the truth. And it was like I was hit by a semi-truck of shame. I was unable to function for over a week as I wallowed in shame. I finally found self-forgiveness by seeing how all of the women in our family were victimes of generational abuse and that I was a child survivor of neglect, and I kept the focus on my daughter and sought help for myself. I acknowledged the impact my choices had on my daughter, and I apologized. She was grateful, but implied it came "too late." She will email me, but she is struggling with forgiving and trusting me again. Pray for us, and I pray everyone here will find peace.
The point about the daughter’s codependency in assuming that the mother will eventually own up really hit home. Thank you for these helpful videos
YES! Such a marker when one can access reason, can slow down or access past the emotional reactions to reason, and then gets butted against the emotional, shaming and image behaviours/ reactions of the other. Like a role, or generation reversal.
Me, too! So many times I tried to explain my feelings to my mom and my ex. It’s so good to have this awareness now.
Yes, this was very interesting to hear. My boyfriend has a narcissistic mother, and sometimes it seems like he's waiting for her to finally admit to her actions when he was a child (she was a crack addict and he went into care), but now he seems to be slowly realising that she never will, and although it hurts, he's slowly accepting it.
I had to do the same with my brother, he discarded me fully over a year ago, and I was still holding out hope that he would speak to me again, but I have to except that he is stuck in his ways, he was extremely abusive when I was so young, and I am better off without him. I'm going to use the technique where you write down every abusive act they committed, in order to see it all in black and white, and not make excuses for them anymore, or tell myself "yeah, but he was nice when they did this...". Don't know the official name of it though 😅
They NEVER Will. I wish I had moved on from trying to find closure with my mother. I tried many times, but was shamed by my siblings and eventually returned to care for her. My siblings were like her flying monkeys.
You said “shallow parents think shopping, and having friends etc, arcs like an insurance policy to not be held accountable for emotional, physical and sexual abuse”. I ducked.🙇♀️ I’ve been gaslighting myself with that for a while, “well, it wasn’t that bad, at least they Fede or bought me food and clothes, blah blah blah”, which society often says as well. Thank you for another amazing and enlightening video, it brings clarity to some of my decades old self-denial.
Please do more videos like this about narcissistic mother/child communications. This is very helpful to see from an outside perspective. It’s hard as a child of a narcissistic mother to understand when gaslighting and other tactics are used in conversations. It’s easy to get confused and bogged down. And if I can’t avoid the parent it is so helpful to at least in my mind know, “oh that’s actually gaslighting, I’m not going crazy”
Yes. I 100% agree with Myris Steimer's comment. Even though this video was showing subtle and more obvious abuse, that communication style dominated my childhood. The more examples I see, the more I can believe that this upbringing was emotional abuse and not me being too sensitive. Also, the parts where you point out examples of codependency are encouraging. That's a response I can change.
Yes please these have been so helpful! For years I’ve been struggling to accept my mum has a lot of narcisstic traits. I just got off the phone to her again and I’ve been constantly thinking I’m too much but she shakes me so much and I’ve been so suicidal and struggling with things in my life and she still made it about her, that she had to go cause she was frustrated doing something. I always feel like I’m too much emotionally for her but it finally clicked for me today that’s it’s not me, any friend would never treat me like that, she just is emotionally immature and doesn’t have empathy for my emotions, I literally told her I rang lifeline last night to talk to someone too. But she said nothing, she just really care. It was all about how busy and stressed she is and her needs. I would love to see more of these also for boyfriends as well as I’m struggling with dating as I’ve always dating narcissisists as I haven’t known any different, thanks so much!! Thanks for helping me feel validated and I’m not crazy for having a need when I’m depressed and suicidal to talk to my mum, but she always shames me and makes me feel like I’m too much. It’s time to accept this reality finally and distant myself a bit as it’s messing with my mental health constantly every time I reach out to her for support I end up feeling worse. Thanks so much
@@tmw7550 Do not show "weakness" or "pain" to a narcissist. I gave my mother a special ring tone. It was that "Drive Alarm" in the movies when the submarine is going to go down. Whenever she called, it helped jack up my adrenaline, and put up my defensive boundaries. I have had several tragedies in my life including the death of my daughter. Also subsequently falsely accused and arrested for IPV, and child abuse of my other daughter by my covert narc ex. All accusations without foundation. Not a word to my mother, and not a word of comfort from her. (Although, this reminds me of the moment where she played the rescuer. Sick Bitch!)
From your words, it seems like your mother sees you drowning and tosses you a barbell. The hard lesson to accept, but she is not, and never will be a source of comfort.
I often wondered how I would feel when she died. I felt nothing except mild relief. I had grieved many years earlier. Learn to be kind to yourself.
This all looks perfectly normal to me. No wonder I feel crazy!
This is scarily spot on. It took me so many years to recognize my father's narcissism (because he is such a "nice guy"). One very telling example though is when, around age 28, I told him about my brother's sexual abuse of me. His response was "I don't know what you want from me." At the time, I backed off because he played the victim card. Now I would say "I want you to apologize for not protecting me." Note, said father is a psychologist. Also, my mom, who was generally a more difficult character, said just that when I told her. "I'm so sorry, there were indications I ignored. I should have protected you."
I took some time this year to process and focus on myself after getting out of a very scary abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist in 2019. I finally realized that my "nice guy" dad had indeed played a role in making me more susceptible to narcissistic abuse and I wanted to sit with my feelings and my family history. I just kept saying (through text) to my dad "I've been through a lot, I need some time." He got more and more upset at my non-communication and finally told me a few weeks ago that I had irreparably damaged our relationship and I could "have my space." I was less upset than I thought I would be because it felt like a release from the Golden Child role I had been playing for 40 years or so. Notice that me saying nothing unkind or even the least confrontational, just "I need some time" ultimately triggered rage.
Wow, that's what mine said. He asked me what I wanted him to do now. My soul was crushed.
Praying for healing for you and all of the others here with similar histories.
Wow. That he was a psychologist is the kicker. So many psychologists I’ve been to that I didn’t like in the first appointment I actually wondered how they were to their own family. This is really eye opening.
That ‘what do you want from me’ victimy vibe I strongly relate to in a parent then being the hero child, with a caretaking role of them/the parents. This type of parent really does not have a clue/hasn’t accessed their deep shame or awareness. It feels so good for me at this point in my life to give them space and focus on me.
You are amazing! You owe nothing to your father, or anyone for that matter. Sitting with your grief and trauma, unravelling it all and processing it, is a great step. Stay strong, and don't feel guilt for taking care of yourself x
This is such a good lesson-to grieve the relationship and not expect them to change.
Loyalty before morals and decency. Omg it all makes sense now.
Really puts into perspective my ex who got abusive after I cut things off with them and was so proud of their own loyalty above everything
So familiar. My father used to complain (when he was alive) about how little attention my mother showed to him. On a couple of occasions I tried saying, "try having that for a MOTHER." - crickets - then back to complaining about how little attention she showed to him. It's hard having 2 narcissistic parents. I appreciate the suggestion to only tell the truth to safe people, and to give up on trying to make them "get it".
Amen to that!
The cool thing about all these videos is that Patrick doesn't use any fancy camera tricks, and just uses his mental powers to create another instance of himself to act out in these scenarios.
My narcissistic mom actually moved her boyfriend into our home WHILE MY DAD WAS STILL LIVING THERE, during the divorce. I was 14 and it was absolute hell. I'm 28 now and to this day she refuses to acknowledge how abusive that was. She believes she is the victim and we all just ganged up on her for no reason. Its sick.
They’ll justify pretty much any behavior when they cast themselves as the victim all the while refusing to admit that you were actually the real victim, not them.
Oof! The “limited age specific view” is my parents. My mom sees me as the toddler who would sing songs that made her feel better and my dad prefers the elementary school kid who thought the sun rose and set with him and who didn’t have any opinions of my own.
This video helped me understand where most of my toxic shame comes from - I've been carrying my mother's own mountain of the stuff that she chose to offload onto me 😕
My mother has long since passed, but I did attempt to have a conversation with her about how hurtful & damaging some of her behaviors had been. It never got near this far with her. It was painful to face her inability to see or hear me, but it did allow me to accept the truth about where she was and grieve the limitations of our relationship. I had to seek understanding elsewhere & heal without her participation. Same held true for my dad. I wish we could have done it together but that remained a wish.They have both been gone a long time and I am grateful that healing has been possible for me without their participation.. Thank you for your work. These videos are so helpful & validating!
Your story resonates with me. It is pointing to the path I must follow and gives me hope that healing is possible. Thank you for sharing!
Dear Patrick,
Not sure whether I told you this before, but I need you to know that you're a gift and treasure to this world! Your generosity shines! Having taken the time not only to prepare the roles play but also to clinically explain in detail so eloquently the numerous manipulation strategies shows how much you care about healing the world. For this pure heart of yours, I can't be grateful enough! 💙
Guess we all know deep inside who are those dislinking this gem 💎 of video...
Wow. This explains so much in my adult life and my long history of not recognizing this bad behavior in others. Thank you.
My mom often said that
" we used to be so close, when I was a child"
It's like she doesn't want me to grow and develop my skills in my adult life. Like, psychology
My mom is just as much as in your video. Non personal attachment or bonding
Of course, me as a child bonded with mom!
- it's the only relationship a child knows about 🤠👍
As English is not my native language, I'd like to apologize in advance.
My mom said the same things: "We used to be so close, we had such a great relationship." Many years later, I understand that an emotionally abusive relationship isn't just "great", but "great for someone", just as "being close" with a narcissistic parent is not mutual, but directed towards the parent's needs.
I completely relate to this. I feel developmentally stunted and it’s very difficult. I am 27 now and just barely scratching the surface of understanding.
@@michaellemmen Yeah, it's sad when I did realize that my life wasn't that important to my mom 👎
Nice moniker... I've had that license since my mother died. I was that same type of kid. When I drew the line on being parentified, my siblings saw it as my betrayal of her. I have been an outsider in my family for 30 years. Somehow, somewhere along the way, she convinced them that I betrayed her--AND was "trying to displace" my father. Being "close" to a narc not only isn't possible--it is dangerous.
This is so helpful. I'm on the autism spectrum and struggle with conversational cues, taking what people say at face value, believing them, giving too much credibility. Thank you so much, these videos are exactly the sort of exercise I've been wanting in order to wrap my head around these dynamics, and what they look like in real life. 👍👍👍!
💚💚💚
Same!! It really makes it that much harder 😕
Same
I'm also autistic and it took me so long to realize that my mom was a narcissist who emotionally abused me.
@@loganplonski922 Yes, and going back to unpleasant memories, at least for me, they start to make sense in a new light once learning these things. Really helpful, even years or decades after the fact.
This is what it's like talking to my parents. After, the last incident of disrespect, I went completely no contact. 32 days now. It's like losing both of ur parents on the same day at the same time. I believe I've grieved them for years prior to this because I knew they could never fundamentally own ANY dysfunction they caused or enabled. I had to do it to move on with my life. I am not sorry the least. I feel free.
I'm sooooooooo thrilled for you! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
I’m so happy for you! That’s an amazing feat. 🎉🎊🍾🥂
I stopped the contact with my family since August now. Is hard. Is super stupid but I still have the hope that they will show up and everything will be fine. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 30 than. First time without my family. I am not sure if I can go through this. My friends are there for me and I know they want to surprise me. I am just afraid that I will start crying and can not stop it.
How you guys deal with it? When do it stop to hurt ?
@@Suzaku5hin it will be difficult at times. Cry and continue to move forward. This is a practice of self love. That's how we got in this position in the first place. Take back your power! God has always sent someone to fill the void left by someone I chose no longer to give my power to. Create your own family that you choose. Keep ur head up and open your heart for love and above all.. keep smiling! You got this!
@@dtermnedone4872 thank you so much for your lovely words. Hopefully time will heal and a better way will come like you said. Wish you the best!
You make this so crystal clear. Those of us who grew up with these parents and then go on to codependent relationships recognize every single part of this scenario.
My mother switched a lot. One point she witnessed my ex getting abusing towards her. She said if he does that with people here imagine what he does when it’s just my daughter and him. Then a month after I got out of the hospital from abuse my mother asked me if he really abused me. And she felt sorry for him. True story. 😢 So happy I’m done with her.
omg. my mom talks in korean but i heard her talk through this video. its a truly universal thing. she would constantly flip between "Youre the best in the world, no partner / employer should ever take advantage of you and I am here to protect you from them" and "Youre not good enough for any partner / employer thank god theres me to take care of you regardless of your many flaws and protect your partner / employer from you." She would say the former when I have a boyfriend/employer so that she could alienate me from them and prevent me from gaining independence through a relationship/job. She would say the latter when I dont have a partner/employer so that she could prevent me from trying to have one and also to justify any abuse she did to me in the name of "improving" myself through her methods. When I confront her with facts, saying that all my friends think I am a kind person and my teachers think my work is amazing, she persuades me into thinking that they are all lying to me just to be nice and that she is the only one being truly nice by being honest so that I can have a chance to improve. I tried an experiment on her recently and its astonishing how she flips from "youre too precious for this world" to "youre not good enough for this world" in a matter of seconds, within the same conversation!
"two kids....who came out fine, by the way" seriously. every nice aspect about me = her making. every "negative" aspect (including natural things like getting pimples or wearing glasses) = me "ruining" her perfect creation.
Shes always the VICTIM. she blames marrying my dad for Everything under the sun, including having me and therefore ruining her life. (i mean, she dated him for 3 years before deciding to marry him and specifically went to fertility clinics for months to conceive me so it was HER choice). and the doom prophecy that the terrible thing that happened to her will happen to me as well, and shes the only HERO that can save me from it. Its like a president that constantly claims they are being attacked so that he could have a perpetual state of martial law.
This is so much like most every conversation with my mother. :( I'm trying to keep boundaries this Christmas but she makes it hard. She ruins every holiday,birthday or achievement I've ever had.
Hang on there! Holiday season is hell for sure. 💪 It's going to be okay, take good care of yourself, give yourself some breaks and treats if you're with your mother or family for some time.
Christmas is so hard like that. It's just another day though, maybe organise something just afterwards with a trusted friend? Then when family speak to you, you are not really focusing on them, but on your trusted person.
I hope you fared well this holiday season. They love ruining normally joyful events. I think it’s there MO.
Stay strong...you got this! 💕
I had a conversation very much like this with my mother recently. It was disappointing to listen to her gaslight and manipulate me, but after learning about my family system history, I had more realistic expectations which helped me process and understand the interaction better. Still surprised that I have such a hard time figuring out what is wrong when something abusive/manipulative is said; only get a feeling that it felt icky.
It now makes so much sense to me now why I have a history of not being able to close doors on relationships and let people go! Next stop, codependency resources!
I'm in my 40s and learned from this analysis. I've always known and called her on her bs, it also explains why I never really let my guard down around her. I'm fortunate that I had enough sense to move out at 19 and my tolerance for her bs is practically 0 but I held out hope her older age would finally cure her, she's nowhere as crazy as years ago but her bag of tricks is always near so I reached my limit and had to ask her to move out apartment in my house
Such a great role play example. Wow...cannot access their shame and shame runs them unconsciously. Inside I knew this but seeing it articulated feels very affirming. More awareness to the subtle ways I’ve played the 3 roles.
This is so powerful and eye-opening. My mother would show some interest in my kids when they were very young but as soon as they grew old enough to have their own opinions and preferences she stopped being involved in their lives unless it was to get them to do favors for her. We can only get along if I agree with everything she says.
I have previously attempted to let her know what my childhood experiences were but she cannot comprehend anyone else’s point of view. I want to go back to no contact but she manipulates my teenage children and I end up being the crazy bad guy so I feel trapped. My kids don’t see their grandma the same way and it makes me second guess my judgement of the situation which is why I’m back.
That sounds hard.
I would like to say: Please protect your children from her by going NC again. Teenagers are old enough to learn about narcissistic abuse and narcissism. It would help them in life as well as to see her manipulation. I wish I was protected and taught about manipulation tactics and emotional abuse when I was a teenager. It would have saved me decades of pain and bad choices. I grew up with my parents making excuses for my grandparents and dismissing their behavior as normal. It was not normal, it was abusive. I didn’t see it at the time, I just thought my grandma was sometimes “mean” to my dad or brothers. So, I do think it would be best to teach your children that this kind of behavior is abusive and not acceptable.
I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for you and your children. I am sorry you got sucked back into it and now have kids involved. I wish you all the best. Stay strong. Much love to you. 💕
You can let them have relationship with her as long it’s healthy, but you don’t have to.
Share these videos with them, and they can then make informed decisions for themselves.
We should ALL be learning about narcissism as children, anyway.
Some of the mothers statements are direct quotes from my abusive mother. I finally went no contact about 2 years ago. Life is so much better.
Just an hour ago I discorvered your channel and, damn, my mother and my father were more abusive then I gave them credit for. I have tried to repair the relationship of my mom and me but got backstabbed after I set a boundary because she crossed a line (discussing a problem that got solved). This was a real milestone because I finally realized I had to learn to set more boundaries overall because I would often be codependent in my relationships. I would always try "to get" people, understand them and see what I can do, when in reality I should've protected myself from them. The biggest thing though was when my mom couldn't say a word when I told her my dad died. She was so emotionless that my havy rain of tears got soaked up again by my eyes. I went from horribly sad to totally irritated about the lack of emotions. It was really weird. Now she always tells me it's totally okay I need space but as soon as I text her, she says "why didn't you tell me" and "I am your mom, I should know that stuff". Like, yeah, mom, you should. You should be invested in my feelings.
When the video said that children need to grieve about their lost connection to their parent, I first didn't understand what that meant but now as I'm writing this I STILL feel really angry about it because my mom, after 3 years, never said a word about her backstabbing me. Even when I told her I couldn't say that I loved her, she was just like "man, that hurts me". And I was there like: ?!?!?! you don't care about why that may be ?!?!
The weird thing is that she still wants to hug me like crazy when I am visibly uncomfortable and I don't hug back ... but I'm really tired of being the grown up. I am tired of telling her how relationships should work and that I am not her adult friend but still her daughter. That I still need motherly care and love. I am so so tired of it ... So I just don't text her much and try to keep my distance.
Also, yes, I am seeking out help and I can't wait for therapy to start so I can get better! Thank you for making these videos, they really help. Especially the role play helps me understand why I might not be behaving right (codependency) and how subtle abusing behaviour really can be. When you hear people talk about it, it's difficult to imagine what it would actually look like. Especially the one video where where there was one version with a supportive mom, it was so obvious what went wrong in the other versions.
Omg this is exactly my mom.
I stopped talking to my dad for 4 years because of my narcissistic mother. Practically blamed him for her cheating and all when in fact he was nothing but good to her made me hate him with information I really shouldn’t of heard as a kid. Always played the victim always hides who she is as a person can’t admit when she’s in the wrong.
As someone who has tried to talk to my narc mom in a million different ways the bad end result is inevitable. I've learned that it is not about how I frame my honesty - my mother takes issue with the honesty itself. And that... I cant compromise on or fix. Love and peace to anyone out there dealing with this stuff! ❤️
This is BRILLIANT! Wow!
Wow!! I always felt like i was a horrible daughter that blew things way outta proportion. And I've always been told that I'm a drama queen and way too sensitive. I've tried to tell her how it's affected me and my life and my children. She's an amazing grandmother to a couple of my kids. They still don't believe the woman that I see. What do I do when it comes to my own children? Do I allow the relationship or try to keep them away from her? My 25 year old daughter thinks she's a saint and I just nod my head usually and smile because I know my daughter loves her. Is it wrong for me to wish my mom was that good to me growing up??
No, it's absolutely not wrong to feel that way. I think it's part of the grief that you feel because you didn't have that connection. You have to keep in mind though that the connection between your daughter and your mom is totally different to yours. I could imagine that my mom can be great with children because they do need different psychological care than grown ups. Also, you and your mom have had much more time together and you were dependent on your mom - you daughter isn't. It's not as close as a relationship which probably makes it easier for both of them to connect and have a good time cause it is limited.
It's anything but wrong!!! Your emotions are beyond being valid and I would not be shocked she's being the fake "nice" grandma only for the sake of getting you to feel you are the crazy one! You know the truth and decided to get educated (our most powerful weapon against abusers) to protect your sanity! Keep going with your education and never doubt your narrative! I wish I could tell you to go no-contact with her but I'm guessing it's not that easy, given your daughter loves her... Sending much love in your direction 🤗
@@mariebella26 ^I second this!
Yup. All of this. Everytime I stand up for myself, it's flipped on me that I'm being dramatic or making problems where there aren't any. My trauma counselor is amazing and is helping me work through all that.
Thanks for explaining exiled shame! I see this a lot in my own mom. While growing up, I was made to not reveal certain things she said and did to anyone else in the family, even though the whole family already knew how she was.
Yes! Thank you very much 🙏 looking forward to have some time to watch this. I am at my parents for the week, with my narcissistic mom being quite difficult as always, and I read the comments or re-watch some videos and it gives me strength... 💪 So thank you and also everyone here because it feels good to be understood and not feeling alone in this ❤️
This video is amazing--so many things felt so familiar in the mother's responses. I'd like to request that you do an analysis on the healthy and empowered daughter version--I'd love to be able to more fully understand the dynamics of a healthy and empowered response. I am learning so much from your videos--thank you!!
This is my mother's relationship with me down to a T. It's so surreal to see it role played out and realize how familiar it all is. I'm very grateful to see codependency exhibited this way. I've known that I've had codependency issues for a while, but this video gives me so much more clarity and comfort by helping me understand myself and my mother a little bit better. I'm not really sure how I will proceed with my own relationship with my parents (both have narcissistic traits), but it is good to know that my feelings can be validated.
This comment is dedicated to everyone caught in between hope and
fear for the next year. Hugs.
Appreciated the role play. Was painful to hear the same dismissive words and blame shifting. However, it was so validating at the same time. I needed this exercise of truth, but you know what? The daughter had more patience than me LOL! I would have said, “forget it, I’ve got to go.” My mother and father were both shallow people. They would both use money as a means to shut you up. “You ungrateful child.” My father would pay bills purchase groceries and consider himself a good parent. Whatever.
It takes a whole lot more to connect with your child in an emotionally, mature, accepting, loving, responsible manner-environment.
This video has been very helpful in processing a recent conversation between a parent and myself. Understanding the lack of responsibility as a parent, to the point where they have now lost complete communication from both of their children.
I'm so grateful for the safe support network i have with the rest of my family and friends who I can discuss with and have no reservations.
At the time i realised that i was experiencing verbal, mental and emotional abuse was in the middle of my parent financially supporting me with a house renovation after offering from a recent inheritance. Which made the abuse worse as they thought they had control over me and my partners general decisions.
After a discussion on how I wasnt willing to continue with the abuse, they all of a sudden stopped the financial support (resulting in me having to get a loan for thousands), threatened me with court to retrieve the funds even after i demanded I pay back all money spent. They also tried to convince the builders not to work for me anymore (although they did continue as they wanted to get paid) and claimed that I "would be nothing" without them
Their reaction to my suggestion of therapy, individually or as a family, as a way to move forward has been ignored and overtaken by denial and their need to feel entitled and superior. Therefore, I no longer engage.
Sadly, I am battling guilt and heartbreak as they will not see their children for Christmas as normal and may just feel lonely on a day to day basis. They have a long term partner but don't see each other every day as they are more dedicated to their family.
It's so hard reminding myself that its for the best for mine and my families mental health.
I'm sending love to anyone who feels this video is reflective of something they have experienced 💕
Thank you for this video. I have tried for years to get my truth across in many different ways to my parents. It ends up in me getting distressed and then viewed as an unstable person. I end up feeling bad and ruminating and feeling down on myself. I never saw myself as codependent but as a daughter who causes trouble because I can't forget about the past and present and make peace. I think that it's time for me to accept my parents as unsafe(I didn't know this was an option because I felt like it was my mission to fix my parents) and grieve. It's triggering for me and heart breaking. I experience an intense feeling in my body that's hard to identify.
Thanks for these relatable and enlightening videos. When I was a teenager I tried to have these kind of conversations with my parents, but they went terribly. Stopped doing that, not only with them but with everybody, and thought I was somehow bad at them. A few years later a therapist I was seeing because I was depressed, explained the how to's on having these kind of conversations. Tried it again with my parents, but it failed again. Didn't have any 'real' conversations with anybody, struggled with saying no, putting boundairies etc. Being very lonely. Now I realise it's because my mother has NPD and my dad.. well I don't know what to make of him, he enables my mother, chooses her side, manipulates and lies to us as well. So now I'm learning to have these conversations with healthy people. Still struggling but also progressing a lot. My parents think we have a great relationship to each other, but we don't talk about anything real at all.
My mom, my aunt, and my grandmother ALL "disliked" this video. I loved it.
Yeah, went through this cycle with my Mom and Dad this past year. It was mostly related to how they were treating our kids and trying to act as if they got the final say on how to discipline them when we weren't immediately available. Worse still my Mom lied both times about how available we were. Once to me and once to my wife. She could have let us handle the disciplinary issue both times. But, instead she decided to gaslight and scapegoat our middle-child instead of include us in the discipline process. I'm not wasting energy trying to help her get it anymore, though.
This is chillingly recognisable
Your videos are so helpful!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼 I wish I found them 5 years ago. Please keep up the good work, it’s so helpful!!!
These vids are so useful. When you're raised by a narcissist they bamboozle you with manipulative tactics for so long that you cant recognize how a healthy conversation ought to flow.
They're really eye opening and helpful, im trying really hard to recognize the tactics employed during convo with my own mother... but sometimes they're not always so obvious or blatant. Its the subtleties, and the way they disarm you by honing in on your specific vulnerabilities and triggers that makes dealing with narcissists so harmful to a person - the danger lies in the way it frequently flies under the radar. Not only to outsiders, but to yourself as a victim.
Thanks again 💗
I love this episode so so much.
I also was brought to tears by it.
You did such an amazing job resonating the dynamic of communicating with an unreachable mother.
Thank you, as I go into my second year of no contact this truly fortified me by allowing me to grieve, introspectively, my relationship with my parents.
Feel free to grieve my friend. When my mother died all I felt was a vague sense of relief. You are not alone.
This really illustrates the dynamic of my own relationship with my mother and my repeated attempts to make her understand what I went through in my childhood, and how every time I’ve tried to the conversation gets shut down just like this. The manipulation, shaming, gaslighting, victimization. I’m glad in a way to be becoming wise to this now, in my twenties. It is unfortunate how common this behavior is, and it can be difficult to acknowledge when it’s your own family acting this way. Thank you for the video
My god... this is my mom to a goddamn tee. Thank you for your videos, they help significantly.
Thank you. I stumbled across your channel by chance a few days ago and these videos have been invaluable to my healing journey. Very grateful!
Thank you so much! This is literally my mother talking…
Mine third
This is the first time I have watched this video. It is great timing too because I recently recognized my continued need to try to discuss my feelings with my mom. What is that quote; " the definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing and expect a different result"? Something like that anyway. This has been me.
Seeing this video is like being lost in the woods with just an intuition about where to go and then suddenly finding a map and realizing you were on the right path.
Thank you, these analyses are really enlightening. If you’re conditioned in these kinds of conversations, it can be hard to understand just what is going on, and you just get caught up in the frustration of hitting a brick wall. Being able to see familiar phrases from a distance is so helpful
Soooooo, I assume you were listening in on my many conversations with my narcissistic mother and mother-in-law. This is incredible! Will the narc parent ever see the light? Most likely on her deathbed
Don't count on it
I appreciated the insight about how loyalty becomes more important than decency. That's part of what keeps that "engine" running of not wanting to abandon hope for the relationship. Just like in your video about how our healthy shame systems can get messed up, this shows me how a healthy loyalty system can get messed up. I want to think carefully about my loyalties and see where they've become more or less than is warranted.
FANTASTIC VIDEO! Thank you Patrick.
Had a break down - ended up crying in front of my parents about my worries (which were plenty, my BF was in the hospital, mom had cancer, my sister was sick too and I felt completely alone).. I had to postpone my degree and I felt so stressed just contemplating telling them..
Ended up with me blurting out I was stressed about all their bickering and worried about them divorcing (I have since come to the conclusion, that it might have been better, although probably not).. Parent response: ARE YOU CRAZY???!!!!.. Both of them decided to start screaming at me...
looks like you've outgrown your parents. where will you go now that you're all grown up?
@@bashisobsolete.pythonismyn6321 Better places, hopefully :D
Planning on fixing my relationship with my sisters and getting my degree^^ And enjoying life with my supportive hubby^^
Not sure what I'll do about my relationship with my dad though... I think he might be a covert narc although I'm not sure...
@@Cevalip "supportive hubby" that's wonderful. Looks like you know what to do. Wishing you a happy Christmas and New year!
The body language moment is exactly what happens. All very accurate.
I didn't get half way through the healthy conversation before the sobbing began. What a comfort to hear the words, even if my own mother is incapable of saying them.
This video was spot on and so 😢. I've lived these conversations for the last year and have went no contact to emotionally protect myself. I must grieve the loss and I'm struggling to know how....
Thank you for your videos! My therapist has me doing talks with my mother to break the trauma. It is hard!!!!! But these videos help me asking the way ❤️
This has been an eye opener for me. it’s amazing how you capture the very tones and fakeness so perfectly. The father son role play was also remarkable for myself and my brother in understanding our father. This one, is my mother-in-law.
Does codependency seek out narcissism?
I am riddled with these people in my business and personal life.
Fantastic! So informative and helpful!
Absolutely wonderful. This was like hearing my broken record mother talk to me throughout my life. I’ve finally decided to stop speaking to her. Thank you for the validation!
This really hurts to watch. This could word for word be me and my mom. Even the marrying someone abusive right after divorcing my dad and then acting like *I* hurt her if I bring it up now because it was SO painful for her to live through.
Thank you so much for this. I'm going to bring it into my therapist to talk about!
I stayed in contact with my mother longer because I just couldn't believe BOTH of my parents could be narc much less three (my stepmother) I still second guess myself sometimes like maybe there is something wrong with me. But I know what happened and videos like this validate my experience thank you so much!!
Once I tried to call my father out, by saying that I think that his behaviour is narcissistic... The next half hour of our conversation was me defending my statement and explaining to him, that I never said that he "was like Donald Trump", that I didn't think that "he's the worst person on earth", etc. All the things he thought I implied, but that I never, ever said or thought. I was just trying to show him what his behaviour in certain circumstances is like. :(
This is spot on, even down to their language usage! No contact literally saved my life.
I cut contact with my Dad after a coversation like this. A lot of gaslighting and denial, trying to redirect who the victim was, and eventually trying to rescue me from an imagined cult (bcs I reccomended therapy).
No contact for 3 yearsish. I don't keep track. Only just realising he's a narcissist.
Not super surprised my mum ended up with him bcs /her/ mother is a narcissist. She sought out that same family dynamic again. Lucky me
Excellent video and spot on analysis. You make it easier to pinpoint why conversations with narcissist feel so wrong, but you just don't know why (especially, if you were abused for decades). Plus, they always deflect any guilt for talking like that with rational arguments like "I was only concerned for your safety, how can you blame me for that?"
BTW: how do you get that video effect done with you twice in the image?
This conversation and the one with the healthy mother exemplified very accurately how my mother deals with my truth-telling and how I wish she would deal. Really hard to listen to, but helpful to witness. I am about to tell the truth to my father for the first time in as real a way as I always have with my mother. It is going to be very hard, but I am not duping myself into thinking he will respond well. I fully expect to be shot down, but not having false expectations is helping me to be prepared. I will not let the conversation continue if he is stuck in a dismissive mindset. My father is not narcissistic like my mother, but he is codependent with her and me, so I expect he will try to get me to pity him and take care of him. I have a close friend who will be present with me, though not participating, as support. I feel like I have been prepping for this conversation since I was a teenager. I know that this is the last olive branch I am extending. After this, it will be on them to reach out and rebuild relationship with me. I have been meeting them where they are at for much too long.
Oh - oh veeeyyy, Total mind explosion - I keep pausing and rewinding ( that means going back!) this video has SoMany Layers of truth! Will need to listen many times. So helpful to see the daughter’s codependent position. .... if I just state facts and responses, the disconnect will be resolved. The use of image and shame - two things that merit more understanding. And yet, on the other hand, one needs to monitor how much energy to put into that. That is my balancing act - understanding, and living in the present. Funny how the timeline and energy flow between intrusive thoughts, surviving, and at times thriving and moving on in a healthy, compassionate, and creative way while having compassion also, for shadow aspects. This video is like a rich chocolate truffle. All consuming, coveted, and inhaled small piece at a time. Gush time: Patrick Teahan creates these videos like a consummate conductor. He has the formal balance of Bach, and the flourishes and exuberance of Mozart.
💙💙💙
i wish i had had these videos as a teenager so i could have seeked help about the way my mom was, and had a way to show my therapist how she treated me so they wouldn't allow her to brainwash them like she managed to every time. you are doing an amazing thing in spreading awareness and examples of this behavior for people to better understand things happening to them. please never stop with these
Super helpful to view the dynamic from an outside perspective. This is how most of my family relates, and I would have never seen it this clearly without a picture painted like this.
Love your role play videos. Think so often people can read about something, but visually seeing it in action brings it into focus. Helps us not to overlook the manipulations of others.
How do I stop myself from getting lassoed back , especially when my 5yr sister is used as bait , so far I've avoided contact at the expense of my relationship with my sister , but other family members constantly bring mum up and tell me I need to forgive her because she's 'done so much '
Ask yourself if she really were "doing so much" like others are saying.. then why would she use your sister as a pawn to manipulate you into filling the role she wants you to play. Family or acquaintance don't know the same person you know, narcissistic parents make sure of that, they know only what she shows them. I hope you can get a relationship with your sister while still holding onto the boundaries you set for your own health.
Funny... that sounds like the kind of manipulative reasons Christians give for why you need to ask Jesus to forgive you (besides the threat of eternal damnation, of course). "He died for you, you know. Are you just going to ignore him knocking at the door of your heart?"
@@suzannep thanks guys , lil update she has completely blocked me from seeing my lil sister and said I must get in contact with my dad to arrange a separate time and place , and she still refuses to let me see her , it's been tough so I decided to go full no contact, I think it's easier than the painfully back and fourth . Thanks again
@@Vivixl798 I feel you, it's very hard. I allways had a good relationship with my little sisters (10 years younger than me) and my mum did the same thing when they were 7 and 9 years old. Im NC with my mum and the relationship with my sisters is broken. Sorry English is not my first language. It's sad, but it's better than handle all the toxicity and drama. Take care
@@davi-dova1102 Sorry to hear that, it's honestly gut wrenching when it happens, i hope you took care of yourself and remember that you can always reach out when they're older x
I've shown your channel to my mom and she loves it. I'm so happy that I found you! Keep up the good work😉
It’s exactly how my
Mom acts. Wow thank you for this video. And explaining how they roll.
OMG … chills down my spine, this is the exact conversation i always have with my mother captured perfectly… i feel for what you have overcome to make this youtube channel
This is so good! I love how you analyzed this conversation bit by bit to help the viewer understand what is really happening. Thank you for taking the time to make your videos. My friend shared one of your videos with me and now I am sharing with another friend. 😊
Thx for the role play. I think as a mom, or even anybody else, it's not always easy to hear of one's short comings. And shooting off at them is not the right way to try and get them to aknowledge a problem. Nobody would like that. One should prepare the discussion. We are all humans. Including those who have personality disorders. One should really be more compasionate and wise, in dealing with difficult matters. And if one knows that a person can't deal with a matter, then it's wiser not to continue to discuss that. Just hook off. Every single humsn being has one or another matter that is delicate withon themselves. It doesn't mean that they are Narcs. Nor perverts. Just humans!! Be nice and kind to each other, instead of firing out all the time. Namaste. 🙏
You're the best. You really get it. I'm just starting to be able to stand up for myself and describe how her actions effect me. She denies any culpability, of course. But you, you really do get it. Thank you for the validation.
It's all so subtle isn't it and quick. When you're in the convoy you're so confused. It's a volley of stuff coming at you and you get confused, angry, upset and then afterwards feel drained and guilty.
Sir, thank you for sharing these videos. I've become so much more aware of my own codependency cycles and how my father was exactly like this. These clinical analysis videos are extremely helpful in really getting a look at what's happening underneath and I'm grateful for this. Thank you again.
Omg, that last slide was so helpful. I’ve never seen codependency described so simply. Totally see myself needing and pushing through my “engine” in order to fix things with my narc husband. He barely ever tried to fix anything
This is exactly my mother! A few weeks later, I asked what her reflections were concerning this conversation. Her response, "Oh, you mean that day you were mean ans cruel to me!? Nothing, I put it out of my mind so I could forgive you. I'm too old for this". 😖
Thank you for these types of analyses. This is motivating me to reach out to someone about my family to find a way to handle it. My mother and grandmother both do all of these things, and even as an adult I’m so dependent on them. My mother expects to move in with me when I’m older and asks me for grandkids. Me, a lesbian, for grandkids. My grandmother treats it like a betrayal, pulling the victim card by crying and being “heartbroken” when I came out. Now, she says sweetly that she wants me to marry a boy. It took 5 years to do that, and I expected everything that happened beforehand. Neither of them truly care about me or my personal happiness. They care about making my life go their way, the way they think is right. I’m young so I “don’t understand”. Because of how they’ve raised me, I never cared about being happy. I only wanted to please everyone so nobody got upset. They wonder why I never tell them anything, and this clinical analysis sums up exactly why.
This was really hard to listen to because it's like a replay of every serious conversation with my mother. The amount of emotional trauma she gave me was unbelievable. I get that we were all going through a rough time but to gaslight and make me seem like the bad guy really messed me up. At one point I had mustered up the courage to actually start a conversation about how she neglected both my sister and I and her response was we had it better than her and that at least she didn't beat us. Needless to say the conversation did absolutely nothing. Now I don't really talk to my mother, but she came to the town My sister and I live in and my bf saw how I interact with her and he got really confused. Because when I'm actually infront of her I spill every ounce of what's happened in my life to get even the slightest feeling of actually having a mom
Yes i need to world to see this
Love your role play + clinical analysis videos so much. They’re so helpful and dare I say it, entertaining to watch. Really appreciate the message and the medium. Thanks for your hard work!!
OMG This sincerely hurts so much. And I knew it but continued to persist in trying to get my mother (and other family members) to "get it" and "own it". And usually for the sake of other people feeling more comfortable, like my children who have a different relationship with my mother. The positive is the clinical points, though I hadn't seen through all of them, I had identified some of the strategies but when I try to tell others about them, they give excuses or somehow point out to me that I'm the problem and if I just did or said "this...(fill in the blank which ultimately means fall into line with the rest of us - continue to accept your role as family scapegoat). I spend so much energy or time either trying to convince others or obsess about who no one in my family believes me. This is so painful but I'm grateful for these videos.
Patrick thank you so so much for your videos. I've been in therapy for 7 months now and these videos are really helpful to see real life examples AND ALSO to see what healthy parenting looks like - its so foreign to me. Please continue making these videos, you are helping so so many people.
I feel so validated! Thank you! SO much makes more sense now, I love seeing the notes as to WHY my mom has turned things and said things she has said or done. Thank you!! I am working towards No Contact with her, I just need help breaking my trauma bond with her, first. Your videos have also helped me realize that its my inner child that gets stuck, and can't tell her no, and I feel like working on that, will work on my trauma bond. Also working through my insurance to find the right therapist for me, that is covered.
Patrick....... beautiful presentation on how such interactions actually look in experience with
NARC parenting when the adult child is making efforts to work such issues through......... I’m noticing the triggers here for myself and I am one who has “done the work” over decades...... the primary NARC in my life died just under a year ago..... the relief is such a strong emotion theres even a tinge of guilt..... though clearly is progression and transformational once experienced.
Thank you
Omg rings so true. Sadly, i cannot go anywhere conversationally with my mother. I just have to keep it totally superficial to avoid being re-wounded over again. Its very lonely
Eek I saw the video earlier but this really hammers home the issues. Others previously tried to indicate my issues with my parents were "that's all they're capable of" but didn't underscore the codependency and it seemed like a way to excuse their poor behavior instead of helping me break away (bc cutting them off was heavily discouraged). This is amazing wow...
I spent five months processing my 26 year old daughter's "truths." We were at a point where she had stopped talking to me on the phone and would only text, very long texts. I tried my best to be the "good mother" and told her I wanted to hear it all, but it was hard to remember some of the details of the issues she raised. I was defensive at times when she left out important details. I wasn't gaslighting, but it was tricky to draw the line between truth and accuracy. With daily prayer and reflection and the help of a therapist, I was able to finally face the truth. And it was like I was hit by a semi-truck of shame. I was unable to function for over a week as I wallowed in shame. I finally found self-forgiveness by seeing how all of the women in our family were victimes of generational abuse and that I was a child survivor of neglect, and I kept the focus on my daughter and sought help for myself. I acknowledged the impact my choices had on my daughter, and I apologized. She was grateful, but implied it came "too late." She will email me, but she is struggling with forgiving and trusting me again. Pray for us, and I pray everyone here will find peace.
Wow! You really know your stuff Patrick.
Another deeply healing and informative video. Thank you so much. You are part of a new life for myself . Wishing you well-being, joy and peace