NO SMALL TALK IN FRANCE? HOW DO YOU GET TO KNOW THE FRENCH?
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- Опубликовано: 22 май 2024
- Over the years on my blog, I’ve talked about French social norms and mentioned that small talk isn’t as prevalent in France. The French make a distinction between the public versus private sphere and it can be confusing for outsiders. This unwritten rule is a big topic and I get questions like this one regularly, “If the French don’t do small talk, how do you get to know them?” My answer is… context is everything. I explain this French culture nuance in this video.
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Salut! I'm Diane, an American who has lived in France since 2012 and started the living abroad lifestyle blog Oui In France. My channel's focus is "Everyday French life and beyond." I make videos on French culture topics, food, travel, language, and give you my thoughts about what it's like living in France as an American in the Loire Valley. Thanks for being here and if you enjoy this sort of thing, please share with friends and subscribe!
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I hope you read this Diane. You have done me a great service. I recently (two weeks ago) got back from a European vacation that included a week long stay in Paris. My preparation for Paris included online French language app lessons and binging your videos. I applied your teachings throughout my stay and always tried to lead with, "Bonjour". I do not feel I was treated rudely at all. Some were more amused at my attempts to butcher their beautiful language than others, but I believe they all appreciated the attempt. I have several amusing stories of French people listening to my horrible French and immediately responding in English, and even a few proud moments when they responded in French. I ate well, I drank well (Although I may open a bourbon bar in Paris, there is a glaring need), and shared an epic experience with my wife and kids. I deeply thank you for your part in making the trip a success. Merci!
@@MichaelTheophilus906 As do I. Are you French?
@@MichaelTheophilus906 I share your same ethnicities, but am a proud American. I would love to live in France for a few years though. It's a great country that I have barely experienced. As I get older I have come to believe experience is much more valuable than material items. Here's to more travel!
Thank you for the attempt, i'm happy you had a nice journey in France 😉
Chris, my last trip to Paris (too long ago) I forgot to keep the address of my hotel in my purse so when I needed to give the taxi driver the address even though I have been there three or four times, I winged it…I told my friend now I’m going to have to speak to him in French so don’t be surprised…after a fifteen minute drive with me telling him the arrondissment, the rue and the hotel name also asking him to turn right here, etc. we got there!!👍 He got out to unload the luggage while I apologized for my bad French. He got out and gave me the French kisses to both cheeks and said “ oo la la la la, I would rather hear bad French than English any time!! I was so proud of myself and my friend said she didn’t understand a word I said the whole time!! Yippee
@@gail4101 That's great! I too came home with a few funny Paris taxi stories.
One of the first thing I learned as a child in a supermarket : "It's not polite to look what others customers have in their caddies and to comment on them" so I can understand your husband's confusion ;)
So true. As a French I would find it impolite and intrusif. (déplacé in French). In my mind I’d be like : « umm, mind your business ? » 😑
But a random compliment about something would both catch me off guard and I’d be like 🥹 thank you.
Born and raised American here. I agree with you both completely. I would never look into someone's cart and comment. I would be caught off guard if someone randomly complemented me on my leggings at the gym. I would never ask my pharmacist about his personal vacation, and don't appreciate those kinds of questions from people I don't know.
As an American who is often made uncomfortable by the social interactions in my own country that I find too invasive, I feel quite comfortable with the French division between private and public behavior. I’ve never found French people especially unfriendly or rude. I’ve experienced more rudeness in New York City than in Paris.
I love this about French culture. I absolutely hate small talk with strangers.
I would add that we complain instead. Our version of having a small conversation while waiting in line at the grocery store would be to complain about how long it is or about how expensive everything is. It's our way to pass time while we wait. I never initiate it with stangers because I'm shy and don't want to talk to strangers but it's not rare for a stranger to complain about the line and then having a conversation with them where all we do is complain. I don't think it's the best use of our time and I'm not sure it's healthy but it is part of our culture.
Complain is national sport in french.
Complaining is awesome! It leads to empathy with the person you agree with, and it's the first step of debate (and I mean, ok we like to complain, but I'd say it's because we just love a good debate, around a nice board of cheese and a little red wine bottle) :D
As it hapens, it CAN be healthy. Complaining is a way to dissipate something that annoys you. Supermarket lines in France is basically "frustrated anonymous".
factss i think french people small talk about the thing that's bringing them together in the moment like a long line a the store, weather or whatever
also we don't ask questions back bc we do not care
@@zeddazr9098 Thank you for replying that before I did. 😂
I would add another advice. French people are attached to their personal bubble it’s true but if 2 strangers won’t engage in a small talk in a queue or a waiting room it’s also because we don’t want to disturb people around with it,
And,if you ever start to chat with a stranger in public, it’s better to talk about not personal topics such as the weather, or some news or anything as long as you don’t ask personal questions.
@@MichaelTheophilus906 it depends on what you mean by in public. In the street it’s not a problem. But in a situation where we usually avoid to talk (queue, waiting room, public transport, cellphone isn’t usually used).
You can strike up a conversation by talking about the best way to make a salad dressing ! 😂
I totally related to this whole video! My husband and I have been living in France for a year, now, and we're finally at the chit-chat stage with people we see in our building, as well as the servers at our local café, although we still don't know most of their names. They guard their names as if we're the Fey, lol! I would just add to remember to always say "bonjour"- I give at least a nod when getting into line at the boulangerie, because odds are high that we all live in the same quartier, therefore neighbors. It's also nice not to know some random stranger's life story and deep therapy confessions just because Fate put us in the same waiting area.
Deep therapy confessions! 😳Cute! I like that. 😂
This easier to understand if you are aware of the difference between "vous" & "tu". The French are much more polite, especially in public, than Americans are. There are all kinds of differences I could cite, but in general "la politesse" is very important in France. It is actually somethng I respect & enjoy. I grew up in the American South where courtesy & manners were very important at that time. So my response to the French code of public behaviour was more "thank goodness" this still exits somewhere!
Bonjour.
South America was French until thé 7 years War (thé realy first World War).
Cordialement.
@@stephanevilboux1706 The American south and South America are 2 different areas of the world. From your comment I assume you are referring to the American south.
@ Sherrie Yes. I agree with you as I value politeness and manners as well. As adults it is my opinion we need to be a good example of this to our youth and young people.
@@luv2travel2000 yes. Thank you.
@luv
yes, two different areas of the world with Roman Catholic family traditions!
(However,
no
am not referring to slavery:
that Industry was sponsored & financed both by London City's Khazarian Jews and by Arab pooh bags ...an industry that both still promote, btw)
As a French, I find what you said very true ! The first story about the pharmacy : I would have found the questions very intrusive 🤣
The only way to do small talk is about non-personnal things, for example about the weather, or, of course, complaining about everything (as someone already said in the comments) ;)
hello,
I am French and I came across your video by chance. I like your style. Very nice video and unfortunately true.
Most French people don't necessarily like being approached and talking to someone they don't know. They are not used to being approached for discussion, can be suspicious, or do not want to be bothered by an unknown person.
If you want to chat with someone when you're in line, talk to them about the weather instead or talk to French people who are in the south of France like Marseille or in the North of France like Lille, they are more approachable for discussing.
Thank you for sharing. Good tip. :)
Wonderful, as always. Thanks Diane!
In Oz, we had a French neighbour for a number of years. Always pleasant and polite, but at a respectable distance. I went to school with his sons for a while, and over a space of a few years, our families became friends. Now, nearly 40yrs later, they're some of our dearest and most trusted friends. We dont see them often, as we've all moved away, but our lives are much more personally connected now through emails and a cuppa when either is in town.
I've only been to France once, but this topic makes me think I'm secretly French.
So true! When my mom visits she always asks me to complement and help her strike up conversations with people around her. For example, when we were waiting in line at Auchan one time my mom asked me to multiple times to tell the lady in front of us that she loved her shoes. I was so embarrassed to talk to the lady in front of us and my mom just could not understand why. In the end, we complemented her shoes and the lady was really happy! 😆
It is just different from the US... personal relationships may be slower to develop, but are all the deeper for it. Many years ago, we visited friends in Geneva, that we knew on-line for years. Our in-person interactions were personal and spontaneous. Due to an accident, he could not drive, so his elderly Mother stepped in to help. She was a bit formal, at first (also age difference), but gradually warmed up. She drove us all around the Swiss Riviera, insisted on escorting us to the Gare when we left. was so worried that we would miss our connections, made tea for us to take on our trip and insisted that I practice my rusty French in casual conversations! She was an absolute dear! But you had to meet her on her terms and respect them. Once, you did, you were practically family! I have to say, that works for me!!!
So sorry for your loss! I lost my sweet Forestt a few months ago and still cry when I think of him. Pets are truly sweet gifts from God.
Oh, Diane, I’m so sorry about Dagney. I lost my 17 1/2 year old pug in February. It’s now 5 months later and I had a good crying spell today about her. It hits me out of nowhere. It’s a beautiful sadness, though, and I hope you can find comfort in that.
It dépends on the région too. Small talks are very common in the north of France, where i come from. When i changed région, i missed it.
So sorry to hear about your loss 🙁 I had two experiences in the US where I heard people speaking French, which is unusual where I live, so I mentioned it to the people speaking French and they were very offended, probably because I spoke in English. I also was waiting at a McDonald's once and heard a mother talk to her toddler in French. I asked her in French if she was from France and she was not offended by my remark. So I think you're right, it depends on the French person and/or the context.
Folks in Québec get touchy, never the French 😂
@@truckerdaddy-akajohninqueb4793 These people were speaking French from France, but I know how touchy the Quebecois are about the French language, especially being surrounded by English-speaking Canadian provinces.
That was my issue in Paris; I didn't speak French. I tried to break the ice in the line for the Louvre the American way. All morning I was feeling quite gassy. While in the line I turned around to this young bloke and asked him to pull my finger quickly. He was confused at first but also curious, so after I insisted again, he pulled my index finger and I proceeded to break wind loudly. I laughed yet for unknown reasons he seemed revolved and even left the line! Can you imagine? That's when I realized I should have asked him in French. Lesson learned.
@@dunhill1 no man that's not only about speaking French or not.. Such a 'joke' (firstly won't be considered fun by French but anyway) would be considered too personal to be told to a stranger - that was just considered plain rude and unpolite in our culture
@@dunhill1 Oh my God! No, that's not a language problem at all. You made yourself look rude, stupid and possibly deranged for a French person. He left because he felt offended but also because he was worried you would lost it and start doing things really embarrassing or possibly violent. Like it was borderline harassment!
I had a different experience in the parc de la tête d’or Lyon. I had just come from Paris where i was so wary of pickpockets and scammers. In Lyon, i was sketching on an empty park bench and a group of 3 maybe 50-60- year old women sat beside me and started making small talk in french about where I was from, what fruits we had in our country, what french pastries i had tried, etc. Soon, some kids were also around me, one even leaning on my shoulder. He only stopped when his mom gave him a stern look. Meanwhile, i was very suspicious and conscious of my wallet and belongings but when i left, i was quite embarrassed to realize they were just being friendly.
Monsieur ou Madame , cette idée reçu , que les français sont détrousseurs de poches( pickpockets) ou des escrocs , n'est pas très agréable , dans 90 % des cas les voleurs ne sont pas français , sachez que je ne fais pas du prosélytisme raciste . ce genre d'individus existent dans tous les pays du monde . ce sont des idées préconçus par les étatsuniens , chinois , japonais . dans ce cas , nous pourrions dires : que nous français aller aux U.S.A. c'est très dangereux ! sachant qu'il y a dans ce pays environs 30 000 morts par armes à feux tous les ans ; cela fait plus de morts que sûr toute la durée de la guerre du Vietnam . Pourtant j'ai été de très nombreuses fois dans ce pays et jamais je ne pensais à cela .
Sachez que les gens du monde entier viennent à Paris , c'est la Capitale la plus visiter au monde donc cela attire une faune de gens malveillants , comme dans tous les grands lieux touristiques du monde . ensuite , Oui Paris est la capitale de la France ! mais la France ne se résume pas qu'à Paris .
A mon grand étonnement à Lubbok (Texas) on ma dit que Paris était la capitale de l'Angleterre ? suprême injure quand on sait la grande animosité qu'il y a entre les Français et les Anglais , après la lâche trahison des britanniques en Mai 1940 à Dunkerque . bonne journée
@@ybreton6593 i am so sorry, i meant no offense to France. I only wanted to share that I was paranoid and that the French people I met were very nice and friendly. Bonne journée.
@@momojacko Hello, don't be sorry, it is true that Paris has this bad reputation and we French are really furious about this delinquency which more than 90% are not French. but also of this city which is a veritable open-air trash can. it gives a very bad image of France, that's why I told you that Paris is the capital of the country but France is not just about Paris. the vast majority of French people are not unpleasant, all you have to do is say hello and please in French and there is a good chance that one of us will answer you in English. good generally our English is very bad because we learn this language with the college and high schools with English teachers who are French. in fact English is imposed, but we are generally multilingual: French, German, Spanish, then English or we are the worst. the next time you come to my country go ahead of the French with confidence. however, a recommendation, never to talk about money, but also about religions, more than 65% of French people are atheists; they will make you understand kindly, that it does not interest them. Good day to you
@@momojacko The thing is, being in a parc, you crossed paths with people in a leisure setting, which is already easier for social interaction than waiting in a line to buy stuff. And you were sketching, which is also considered as a leisure moment (unless you have a little sign saying you sell your art, in which case people would have most likely oberved your drawing from a distance, over your shoulder).
@@momojacko just avoid everyhing brown and you will be fine
Bonjour Diane, je suis abonné depuis longtemps, et j'ai laissé passer un peu de temps avant de t'adresser mes plus sincères condoléances. J'ai aussi perdu l'un de mes parents. Merci pour tout ce que tu fais, c'est important de connecter les gens, malgré leurs différences.
Si j'ai bien compris c'est son chien qu'elle a perdu, personnellement j'aime beaucoup mon chat mais je ne pense pas que soit la même chose.
As you say, small talk is not a thing in France but it is not rude nor inappropriate (except when a women commented on my bra at whole foods but it is another story.) It is just surprising. I owned a store in Paris and trust me, you have small talk champions that would come everyday to my store try to catch attention from anybody. As you say it is borderline suspicious if you don't know at all the person but if you see someone everyday start saying hello for a while and then the conversation will start naturally....
What a treat! People who respect your boundaries!
For me, being Swedish, the French level of small talk is just perfect! Swedish people are too reserved; to foreigners they (we) may even seem unfriendly, but Americans are on the other scale - easily “too outgoing” from my (the Swedish’) point of view. When living in the US (it was for one year’s studies) I always felt uneasy and afraid of being a boring person while in France I loved how strangers would talk to me in the grocery store, on the bus, while waiting in line etc, nicely without being private.
This is such great information. I am a total "friendly American" and would chit-chat with anyone! Good to know for our next trip :)
@@MichaelTheophilus906 «Bonjour» NOT «bon jour»
If you want to chit chat in French start the conversation about something mundane : the weather, the wait (if in a line) and see if the person is responding to you (if they are monosyllabic, leave them alone but if they engage, you can go on). Just don't ask personal questions. As a foreigner, you can explain that you are on a trip and demand where they are from in France. Then ask things about the region like what are the food specialties or that kind of things.
Also, French love to complain about pretty much every thing. If it is rainy, say something about it and you will bait people into small talk more easily XD.
Just, no questions about where they live in town, their marital status, their kids, their salary... That's very personal and would be very uncomfortable to be asked by a stranger.
It is indeed all about context and also about 'reading the room'. With practice, people's behaviour (posture, smile) will tell you whether they are open for chit-chat or not. But the unwritten rules are: don't talk about anything personal (this is considered as nosy or intrusive - and yes commenting on what is in someone's shopping cart can be considered personal !) and keep it short (give the other person the opportunity to get back in their bubble).
Sometimes, I like to have smalltalk with people. But I am very carefull. In France, you never ask something personal. You talk about the weather, the store, or you share your experience, and you wait to see if the other people are ready to share something.
Your example with the pharmacist is funny, because recently my pharmacist said that he was going on vacation. So I wished him very good vacations. And, that's all. He was pleased to see I was interested, he answered with a big smile but didn't want to continue. But sometimes, when there is no other client, I like to joke a little with him because I am going to his pharmacy since many years. But I know nothing about him, and he knows only my medical things.
Other shopkeepers talk a little more, it depends...
Born and raised American here. I would never look into someone's cart and comment on their items. I would find it jarring if someone ran up to me to complement my leggings. I would never ask personal questions of my pharmacist, and would not like to be asked about vacations etc. either.
I know it's been like 9 months but I'm very sorry for your loss of your dog. My condolences to you and your husband. I lost my 15 year old cat back in 2019, grew up with him and all together. I miss him so much. He's the one on my photo. Anyways thank you for what you do and your videos
I was living in Japan and ironically going to a Starbucks that was located in front of Carrefour. It was located in Harima-cho. Anywho it was raining and I was coming in hot on my bike and the tile in front of the store was slippery. So my bike slid out and my backpack containing my laptop hit the ground. I was immediately concerned about it; it turned out to be fine, but then I got a chance to realize my embarrassment. I looked at the overhand in front of the store and there were tons of Japanese taking refuge from the rain. I laughed it off and saw the barista I normally ordered from. She looked away and no one said anything. I thought it was so rude. Later I learned that by ignoring it, they were doing me a favor. I got a million of these stories. Culture is cool.
Note that social norms are different in countryside
thank you for this super video ( vraiment génial) . i will add me little grain of sand , i was visiting my american girlfriend and we went to the restaurent . she started talk to the waiter/serveur at the restaurent and she started telling him i was here visiting from MFrance and i came from Paris ect.... and i was shooked she was telling a stranger all these personnel and private things about me . after you video i now understand she was small talk only .
continue you videos
Always love your videos…I’ve been to Paris five or six times and always enjoyed it and have discovered new experiences each time I go…I have never met a rude person while there probably because I try to speak French each time but also try not be a “rude” American by my manners or my appearance…plus I try to be respectful of their privacy…all that being said, I have also enjoyed certain persons friendships each time I go back even if it is only the same personnel at my favorite hotel (hugs and kisses, Cecile!)or at my favorite cafes…thanks for all your tidbits…I learn something from you in each one!
Coming from Russia this is exactly what I found but the other way around. That French people use a lot of small talks and are more open to share their private life. It all depends on the perspective…
Thank you for all your great videos!
French people are open to share private things if it comes from us, not much when asked by someone else.
French here.
You can occasionally have small talk with French people (or Europeans in general) in the supermarket line or similar situations, but not out of the blue. It's generally prompted by something else happening nearby like a temper tantrum from a kid or whatever small incident or funny situation...
We have this expression in French for that kind of general small talk: "parler de la pluie et du beau temps" (lit. "talking about rain and good weather") because it often times relates to the weather or something equally neutral: a safe subject that everybody can relate to and very far from personally revealing. In any case, it's considered very rude to ask personal questions to perfect strangers right off of the bat like in your 'pharmacy mishap'.
;)
That expression for small talk also exist in English "Talking about the weather" but also has a somewhat negative connotation. Would mostly be used by introverts as we generally also despise small talk.
I so enjoy being educated by these types of clips. Plus people on here remark on the experiences as well and give other insight and experience. Thank you.
Your videos have helped me so much. I have never been to France but I have many French (from France) friends and some people who have authority over me are French so these help so much to understand and better adapt for them.
Very good perspective! 👍
This is pretty accurate and well articulated. Merci beaucoup!
Thank you very much for the video, very well explained. Also very sorry for your loss.
Excellent video ! I have experienced this cold behaviour many times in France. It is what it is but small talk can make the day more pleasant
Great video as always. Thank you. ❤️👍🌿⚘️
This is a excellent episode.
It actually makes perfect sense when you think about it. Americans don't have those public/private boundaries as much. One thing that drives me batty is when people comment on your clothing if they don't think you're dressed right for the weather....like, oh you look cold! Or that kind of thing. I guess they're expressing concern but I think it's none of their business.Do the French do that? Sounds like they don't... which I approve of!
I'm French, and for a decade I spent a lot of time in trains and trains stations, and actually you need to spend some time to start a conversation with someone you never saw before. But when you start talking you can talk for hours then. So I would say there is also a time to talk and a time to go your way. In a train you can't move for a few hours, so you can talk. But if you randomly tries to speak with someone who actually have another thing to do, he would probably try to short the conversation to continue what he was doing. Another thing to understand about French people is that we can't speak any other language than French most of the time, and we just fear someone with an accent, as we don't want to be impolite when asking him to repeat again and again. I noticed a similar behaviour when I went to Japan : japanese would flee most of the time, because they don't know how to speak with a foreigner. You'll see also many short minded French people who will just doesn't want to speak with anyone else than their friends.
Excellente vidéo Diane. J’ai beaucoup appris!
Love your glasses, very cool! Also, love your videos, thanks!
I come from a rural setting. I find people, the French especially, in Québec or France, are more standoffish the more urban they are.
I held a door for someone once, who gave me a suspicious look. Perfect example
Quebecers are not French. Comparing Quebecers with French people is like comparing Americans with Britons.
@@thomasharter8161 Says who? Troll somewhere else. We are French-speaking and valiantly proud of that French heritage. Be off with you. Find another bridge to troll
@@truckerdaddy-akajohninqueb4793 I never said that you weren't francophones. I said that you were obviously not French since you are North Americans. Americans speak English, are they English?
@@thomasharter8161 Yuup. But culturally Quebec has kept ties to what sometimes is called the mother country. For some. I think comparing Canada, or Australia to the UK is a better cultural reference. The USA had its revolution and did everything poss to shed itself of everything British.
@@thomasharter8161 There are regions in Newfoundland for example who still considered themselves English, or Irish. 170 plus years later, the Irish accent in Newfoundland is still verra Irish. In Québec, the accent still resonates something that has evolved since pre French Revolution period. Post Revolution, France turned in another direction. But Québec still holds on strongly to its cultural references and origins.
Merci
There are definitely regional differences in the US - I’m from New England and everything you describe about the French describes pretty much everything I grew up with. You just… mind your own business and let people mind theirs. Random conversations with strangers are *weird* and really just not done.
So sorry about the loss of your dog. We lost one last November and just weren't cut out to be dogless, so got another one. Which meant we were mourning while raising a puppy. In other words, there's no short cut for the mourning. It just hurts.
Love this channel. Separation of public private seems a little similar to the Japanese public private , a little similar.
Thank you!
We can do small talk but it is not the same style. Our small talk is "Ils ont de belles choses dans ce magasin and wait for the person to reply" "J'aime beaucoup leurs articles et vous? Wait for the other person to elaborate" "Alors parlez moi un peu de vous". We bond over complaining "Ah ben là on sera là jusqu'à mardi" ... I could easily do this and get an answer but my tone would imply that Francophone sensitivity and would match the occasion/timing/place. We don't do the pointing to objects on a person or asking personal questions like how much is your rent/car/whatever. When we talk we expect an immediate genuine connection or a formality.
I'm French and I love how people talk to strangers in the US. I like to be left alone most of the time but sometimes It's nice when strangers care enough for a quick chat.
Thank you so much for explaining this. I learned something! I could never understand why I had been so off-putting in French church coffee hours (it's a church, right? aren't we supposed to be friendly?) , etc. , when on the other hand I had quite a few fabulous, long conversations with French people on trains. I even told a woman on a train near Limoges that she looked like a particular movie star (which was true) and she loved it. But the small talk thing explains it.
Je pense aussi que cela dépends de la région. Ma mère a l'habitude de dire dans le sud on parlerai même à une m.... (Ca m'a toujours fait rire)
This is so true.
My boyfriend loves to do small talks when he shops and I am always so embarrassed, even after years knowing he'll do it. It is just how he is.
We even had fight together about it like "Why did you said stuff so personal?" "It was not personal! It was just about our holidays/ a detail at work/ what we like to prepare this dish."
This limit between private and public is really a strong thing in the French culture.
The last time I visited the US, I got the entire medical history of a cashier. Uhm, no thanks. I prefer Norway's style. Norwegians don't do smalltalk in line, either. But sometimes, like if the bus is a half hour late, shared misery can start a conversation. I'm actually a bit surprised that the French are so... Scandinavian. 😀
There is another reason why we avoid small-talk with the pharmacist or the supermarket cashier; there are people waiting behind! I admit that when I'm waiting at the pharmacy and a person (often very old) tells the pharmacist about their life and their ailments, I tend to find it annoying (even if I tell myself that this elderly person is perhaps lonely and needs to talk...)
About compliments: I'm French and when I lived in the US people would randomly and spontaneously say things like "Hey, nice shirt" or "That's a really cool shirt"
Me in France: "Euh, bonjour Madame, excusez-moi de vous déranger, mais j'adore vos boucles d'oreilles, elles sont très élégantes" :)
Granted, I said it to an older lady, but still, I don't think I would have changed anything. And yes, as in your legging story, she did look totally startled!
I've been to France many times and have had a mix of interesting interactions and conversations with people. I remember once an older lady at a bus stop chatting a bit with me one day and then the following day when I saw her again, I was initially happy to see her, she seemed a bit more reserved from when we first spoke. Another time at a crowded restaurant in Paris where all the tables were close together, a couple initiated a conversation and because I was dining alone, I enjoyed the chat with them. Once again, in Paris someone complimented me on the sneakers I was wearing and asked wear I bought them. So usually, and in each case, it was the French person that approached me to chit chat.
Where I live in the Northeast in the US, it is a bit more reserved here. Some folks don't even like to say hello while others can be very chatty. I personally don't mind a little chit chat but I understand it when those who don't whether that be in Boston or in Bordeaux.
I think we're like this in NY as well.
The first time we came to the USA a total stranger asked us in the shuttle from the airport to the car rental "Where are you guys from?" and he continued to ask about our holidays and where we will be going and stuff. Honestly I thought that was at least a bit nosy. I am not French but Austrian but I like the French way better, TBH.
The more you talk about the French I think I must have some French in my genes. TY for sharing.
Cette mentalité américaine (chacun ses codes sociaux) explique la notion d'amis sur FACEBOOK. Comme si un simple clic suffisait, pour un français un ami et une connaissance c'est différent, très différent. Il suffit de savoir comment fonctionnent les américains et ne pas s'offusquer de leur familiarités. Pour eux, c'est normal, comme pour nous la bise est normale.
▶I remember many years ago an editorial by Bill Maher in which at some point he said : "The French have weird ideas about privacy... They think it should be private !" Yeah, in France, we do have those kind of weird ideas... 😉
Tellement vrai!
Very interesting. As an American I’ve traveled the most in Mexico where this is the opposite. Mexicans will talk to anyone and then invite you over for dinner. No judgment either way just making observations.
I’d find this a challenge to adjust to, but then I’m the person who sees a someone hesitantly buying a can of tuna fish having never made tunafish salad before, and I tell them a simple recipe. Or I’m the person on the bridge at the campground that says if you look over there you can see a big blue heron. However, I didn’t tell the couple sitting on the bench at the Flowering Bridge that a turkey vulture was circling overhead so I guess I can be reserved sometimes.
Lol.
I'm from the US and just don't like small talk. It's about me, I'm just not good at conversing with people I don't know, though I'm much better at it than when I was younger. Anyway I just avoid small talk if I can. However if the person is really good at leading the conversation with me I actually enjoy it. If they are extremely warm and welcoming with it. If not I just want to get out of the situation as soon as possible. My one friend is really good at leading conversations and doing back and forth. I just am not.
This the French attitude ^^
I am French I am Iike you.
I am ok for small talk with stranger at shop or a the bus.
But short small talk and nothing about private life .
For small talk very private , it’s ok , I have my friends ^^
What a great explanation. Applies for so many European countries. Greetings from Germany.
So when you talked to the fellow gym member, it caught her off guard.
How would a convo within France been seen as typical/normal?
You mentioned meeting ppl at work … I’ve heard it’s just the opposite - ppl don’t mix personal and work lives.
Do not mix private life and professional life means that when you stop working you cut the relationship with your company. We don't go to see his professional emails, we don't answer professional calls. We even have a law protecting the employee allowing him to "disconnect". Disconnection in the literal sense, no email, no phone, and only figuratively, no work at home or meeting, seminar or anything else outside of work time.
We work to live, in the USA you live to work.
On the other hand, one can befriend a co-worker and this friendship can extend into the private sphere.
@@christianc9894 Thank you fot this explanation. This is fantastic that the French work to live. This is a much better way to live.
It is not the same every where, in France. We are having more small talk, or smiling to strangers, in the south. It was hard for me moving to Paris, to the "north"
Southern people smile in front but stab in black . Am from North east France and never you'll see me engage a talk . I observe , check details in people behavior and only After i may speak . With my best Friend it took 2 months before we start to have true talks , before we've been used to be only polite
Salute! As for my experience, we were in Paris during our honey moon in 1892, when we were married by then. It was an 11 day - stay, we could not really tell or notice the « small talk »! But Americans, bless their ❤️ heart, are do good in it. I am an Arab, when it comes to the small talk in the Arab culture, and this is in a very broad sense. It’s tricky, hard to explain! I guess it depends on the context, the body language, the subject, what the person is wearing, ect,,, but it’s faaaaaae much easier between the same sex, specially women toward women. But m’en toward men? Well…. Kinda! But still the question remains : what does he want from me ? What’s their intention? Even smiling to strangers will rais an internal question: what does he wants from me ? Ps; as I said : this is in a very general sense. Thank you.
1982?
@@CricketsBay maybe 1289 😄
I believe that small talk exists in every culture, but every culture has different forms of small talk for what people will talk and share with others.
I'll have to send you a DM Diane. As a Francais-Canadian ---- oy.
Watching your videos are going to help me not be an "ugly American" when I go to France in a couple of weeks. Thank you.
You're very welcome. Enjoy your trip!
2:50
"He did not ask me a single thing about my own vacation"
France sounds like my kind of place. I hate being expected to make conversation with everyone.
Yes, small talk rules are a bit different here. You can do small talk, but it has to be somewhat relevant to the situation and not coming out of the blue or getting too personal right ahead. For example, saying someone’s outfit his gorgeous in itself his weird but if you say it to ask the person where he/she bought it, that’s more logical. The premium rule still applies with small talk : you need first to start with « bonjour » or « excusez-moi ». From there, you can feel if the person will be responsive to small talk or not.
The other way is to say a little relevant joke or fun fact.
And paradoxically, if you’re from the US and can’t restrain yourself from doing small talk, just go all the way in to full jolly American mode. You’ll still sound weird, but in a positive fun way.
I remember you said everything closes kind of early and that they don't do much after dinner. So when does all this club stuff happen?
Lack of small talk is common throughout much of Europe, Germany, and all Scandinavian countries are very similar to France.
Personal space seams small in France in some ways, in other words, the space that is left is priceless to them! You need to know people before interacting with them that rules breaks when others break that rule and when you see that you can throw in a few words but don't think their will reciprocate it back to you! I live in a small village most people know of me some call me the American or the cowboy and many do say hello, but that is all I know of them it can take months before someone will ask me if I am French and I don't run around telling people I am French or American many can tell from the way I walk and dress that I am American! The French people are people watchers but don't overlook at people to see things happen, you see it but don't get into it even with your eyes! The rule is you can see it but don't look, keep on walking without talking about you saw! Many French understand English well and many have a hard time speaking English because in French most of the sounds are in the nose or mouth whereas in English lots of sound are much deeper all most from the gut the sound are hard and loud, in French it is soft and low! The French do not like loud talkers and I talk loud, and I live with lots of Spanish people (living near Spain)! The French are used to do things outside of their homes with little to no help from the world little to no talking get it done and go home from time to time you may see a lady hat blow off her head because of the wind and if you're, there yes catch it and give back to her, she may thank you but not like in the states it can be a very low-key thanks, and you move on! Now, some of what is common only is southern France, in part because of Spain I am a 40-minute drive to Spain!
My Finn dad 🇫🇮: Americans can never not run their to strangers. Lol They abhor silence XD
Finns can eat a whole meal, not saying more than 10 words, and are totally cool with it.
Thanks for the video.
The main topic when you small talk with French people is food: your favorite dish, how you cook it, where you buy the ingredients, in what restaurant you had a good one and so forth.
Regarding the pharmacy: some customers are known by the pharmacist and both of them can talk about the customer’s life for ages!
It can take years to become friends with people you meet at your children’s school, at your church and so on.
Most of my life I've heard that the French don't like Americans. However, the French aren't just not talk to Americans. They're not talking to eachother. It is considered rude to speak to someone without a formal introduction. Any of my French family or friends visit they make one comment for sure. Americans are friendly as we talk to total strangers. Ya know, on line at a food store or in an elevator, one may hear, "nice coat" or "cute kid". I usually get in trouble for talking to strangers.
the last 3 years have been full of sorrow and losses to you. I sympathise
Vous auriez pu rappeler ce que vous avez déjà souligné, en France on évite de parler argent.
Dans une association, un club sportif, etc il y a des gens de tous les milieux et de toutes les conditions sociales. Ces lieux sont faits pour faire tomber ces barrières c'est pourquoi on y parle jamais argent et on y étale pas ses richesses.
En tous cas, je constate une fois encore que vous êtes parmi vos compatriotes qui ont une chaine similaire, celle qui a le mieux compris la culture française.
You could have recalled what you have already underlined, in France we avoid talking about money.
In an association, a sports club, etc. there are people from all backgrounds and all social conditions. These places are made to break down these barriers, which is why we never talk about money and we don't show off our wealth.
Yes, spot on correct. I lived in France many years ago for about ten years…had an absolutely incredible experience.
Americans can blabber on with about any one…but as you well expressed, there needs to be context, commonality a substantive reason for personalizing closer personal interaction. Simply, the French, as with most Europeans, are not as superficial as are Americans. If you live in Europe long enough and then meet Americans you’ll see how obnoxiously superficial and self absorbed Americans are!
Might I ask how the personal/professional is handled. For example, the neighbour two doors down is a shop owner in town or a colleague, is there a structure to that? Is it dependent on context as well?
(french) A neighbor who is only a neighbor, is not a friend, just an acquaintance. So, they are off limits of my private sphere. Same for the shop owner. A shop owner who is also a neighbor is an acquaintance by two ways. Still not a friend !
@@jacquesverhaeghe7543 Very much appreciated. This clarifies the matter for me.
My condolences on your dog.
What is said at 9:25 is CRUCIAL ! Although what you said about small talk is true to a certain extent... I've been living in this country for 40 years now and yes, French are not into small talk as MUCH as Americans or Canadians BUT... IF you're waiting in line somewhere (train station, aeroport etc.) and you hear an announcement that says that your train (or plane or whatever...) is late, or even if you're already inside the train and you hear an announcement saying that there's been a technical problem and that the train will have a 20 or 30 minute delay... Well, this is EXACTLY the kind of situation where you can COMPLAIN out loud and, by doing so, START a small talk conversation with the french people next to you !😜 Because it's a situation where you're likely to be "in the same unfortunate situation" and French people (like myself) absolutely LOVE to complain ("râler" as we say) in unfortunate situations such as these. And chances are that most French people will be happy to strike a conversation when it starts on the "complaining mode" and you've got this "I-don't-know-you-but-we're-in-the-same-frustrating-situation-right-now" VIBE going on...😉
Haha, so true.
Funny, I dropped the habit of going to pharmacie because of Covid. I now buy my tooth brushes, toothpaste and shampoo in the local supermarkets as I rarely need medication. My Godmother doesn't ue her doliprane very often as well so to prevent it going past the experiation date, we share it together.
In shopping queues we usually hate to smalltalk because the other customers are waiting and you know how the French hate to wait...
But if there is no queue, the shop assistant/salor will be happy to oblige in small talks just to pass the time if they have nothing else to do, especially if they were working there for the past 20 years and know everybody in neighbourhood. Also, it will be easier in the countryside because they are less stressed.
Americans are so forward in nature naturally anyway, so I can imagine why they think what they do about the French. I live in the UK and would never make chit chat in a doctor’s waiting room - boundaries and people may be quite unwell.
As French guy ,
This video is very good ^^
I am waiter, so at work , I do a loooooooooot of big , small talk ^^
But when I don’t work , outside . If a stranger talk to me about perso la things about me I am going to look him and say to myself , why he talk to me about private stuff ???? Who is it? What he want ??? ^^
The good word is : suspicious ^^
Yes we are. Because in France they are a lot of people with bad behavior.
So we are suspicious when a stranger talk to us.
But.
Like is said , American or France or Italian , even if language and culture are different : the body don’t lie ^^ the face.
So if you start a small talk , you can see with the face of the person if you are in a good way or not .
There is a smile ? So it’s ok ^^
Body language reaction is universal and never lie ^^
Have fun.
It's true that French people respect your privacy and don't necessarily interact with you directly, except in a situation where you are doing something wrong. French people are really good at scolding you or telling you how you should do something.
I have just seen the beginning of this video...I had to laugh!!! 😂😂😂
Yes! Your pharmacist is typical...Americans can take offense at the French people's reticence in public.
I'm sorry about Dagny.❤️
Thank you ;-)
It depends where in France. I live in Brittany, it's not the same mentality^^
Dutch people can be like that, but my American accent puts them at ease (though I do speak decent Dutch). I could ask all kinds of things when I lived there. The happy go lucky American trick. Lol
I'm French.
And I'm rather shy, relative to the median Frenchman.
So small talk is NOT something I can even fathom. I can answer, but there's no way I can find words (even in French) to break ice.
And frankly I wish I was able to cause it's really incapacitating irl 😅
Chère Diane, je ne sais pas où vous vivez, peut être à Bordeaux ou Strasbourg mais dans le reste de la France, il est normal de discuter avec ses commerçants. J’ai même des discutions avec des inconnus à la terrasse.
Vous avez raison mais ce qu'elle veut dire c'est qu'il est rare que dans ce genre de conversations entre français soient abordés des sujets personnels. On va parler du temps qu'il fait, râler contre quelque chose, mais pas raconter sa nuit de noce. Et puis ce n'est pas une question de région, c'est une question de personnes. Deux pipelettes s'entendent de suite, deux taciturnes, c'est long. Les américains sont plus ouverts sur ce point, c'est comme ça.
When meeting a French person for the first time in the age of covid, is it appropriate to simply smile and say "Bonjour, good to meet you ," and avoid any physical contact including a handshake?
Sure 😊. "Bonjour" would be enough. And a smile is always appreciated, in (nearly) all countries.
@@MichaelTheophilus906 Well actually I can tell when someone is smiling, even with a mask 😉 (the eyes)