They never want you to feel you matter. No matter what you accomplish, do, or go through in life, they're sure to make you feel small. Something is very wrong with them.
@@valariecrebbs4751 my oldest sister did. I literally went no contact with her because she was blatantly obviously with her favoritism of another of my sisters 3 yrs older than me. She visited me one time and never after that.. but would fly 3 hrs to visit with her every chance she got. I live 30 minutes from her. Last time she flew to visit with my other sister she stayed there a month and went to places we'd talked about going. My sister she visited talked about how it was the visit from hell and she couldn't wait for her to go home. I never said one word to my oldest sister about what my other sister said about her lengthy visit experience. I could write a novel on the cruel backstabbing things I've been subject to all my life and just swallowed. I finally realized I wasn't the problem. My one sister wanted my oldest sister all to herself and manipulated things where she managed to do just that. 😢
Or they were traumatised by ongoing abuse by a situation they couldn't escape. Or they were simply spoiled. Or both. One of my parents had both the other had one.@@berealrb1496
1. Direct Rejection. They insult you to your face. 2. Covert insults disguised as “help”. 3. Crimes of Omission. Acting as if they don’t notice anything good about you and your accomplishments. 4. Projection of their shame. When you feel bad about yourself. 5. Scapegoating. It’s always your fault, disempower you. Ostracize you. 6. Gaslighting. Insult and erode your self esteem in one. Then deny they did it. Causes you to doubt yourself. 7. Always one-upping you. Compare you unfavorably to others. Goal to make you try harder to please them. 8. Back-handed compliments. 9. Act bored when you’re speaking. Animated when subject is them. You don’t matter to them. 10. The Silent Treatment. You called them out and they didn’t have an out, so they treat you as the living dead. Emotional torture. Strangely this helpful list made me recall an old roommate and how narcissistic their behavior was. More recent partners, bosses, friends, family touched in most; some seemed to specialize in one or two tactics.
Thank you. I would add 11. Making you feel like you are always behind, being not enough (developing an atmosphere of constant drama, unsecurity, etc). 12. Constantly saying you derogative remarks on your person to make you feel weak, inadequate.. pretending that it is just a humour and you are too sensitive and insecure if you think that these remarks are targeted insults.
@@johnton6488yes I agree with you. Thank for sharing you insight I really appreciate it. May the Lord Jesus Christ heal you and provide all your needs in a relationship with himself. Be well. And take it one day at a time. The Lord has a good purpose for your life. That can only be found in him.
I love the statement… “when someone shows you who they are; believe them the first time” and I live by that. Who they show you is who they are …. you just need to GET IT.
This is difficult to stick to, keep getting push to 'give them another chance', 'xxx wants to talk to you ' when 1st time was enough. No 2nd meets. All people no matter who.🤝
My sister was a "B" student. I got straight "A"s, which were ignored. I asked my mother why nothing was said about my straight "A"s She said "It's because we known you CAN". So because I could achieve A's, they weren't worth mentioning. Years later I bought a condo and all by myself, painted the entire thing including ceilings, walls, doors and trim. Mentioned it to my mother who immediately mentioned my older sister painted a 2 x 10 inch strip on a window frame they had repaired. I just stared at her wondering what planet she was from......
You can show them your LIKES or DISLIKES in life~ once they know something bothers you they will keep using it t o get a response~there all control freaks~most likely because there crazy trauma filled childhoods were so out of control.
And maybe it is more of my personality style, but I did not require my mom to "high-five" me. She knew and I knew that I was diligent at everything I did so from my perspective, I don’t think your mom was ignoring you. She knew that your sister required more attention because she saw that she was not quite up-to-par as you are. My mom did the same thing with my older brother. He is a complete screw-up and is on his 4th marriage, and his kids (from his 3rd marriage) want nothing to do with him. But me? I never needed my mom to tell me she loved me or that I did a great job at “whatever” I did. She saw me as diligent, hard-working, persistent, studied engineering at college, went to Iraq, now work for the Army, etc.. My success was her success. I think mom’s just naturally give some of their children more attention because those kids require it. Mom’s know what to do.
Never share with them anything , they will always find away to make you feel less then . Keep it all to your self the good and bad ! Give them nothing 😊
What I noticed about them also, is they ALWAYS REMEMBER what YOU DON"T LIKE and USE IT AGAINST YOU FOREVER. If you tell a narcissist that you don't like eating chocolate because it makes you break out~ Don't be surprised that they will now try to force chocolate onto you forever until you snap. The love to push buttons. ~ personally I feel they should all get a punch in the face. ~ but that would just wreck my own karma and make them relive there trauma based childhoods again making them even more nasty. ~Calgon take me away
That's why asserting yourself & setting up boundaries with a narcissist is so difficult as they will use that boundary as something to steamroll over at any & every opportunity & if you tactfully attempt to reassert yourself about that boundary they'll accuse you of being aggressive. It's like they want to drive us insane to the point of having to punch them in the face & then they'll go squealing to the authorities & anyone else stupid enough to believe them so that they can make out that we were the abusive one
@@carpathianken That's why people feel so helpless~what has helped me the most to actually feel like they have no power over me is my believe in the spiritual principle of Karma. Ive looked at the readings of Edgar Cayce, and without a doubt, I KNOW THEY WILL REAP WHAT THEY SOW. just knowing that in the back of my mind makes it possible for me to just stand there and let them yell all day long. It's when your ego kicks in that your screwed. That's when I have thoughts of choking them to death.
All 10...for decades! I am now free and healing from their abuse. I loved them. I doubted myself for years. With God's help I got free. I let them go emotionally and yet kept contact because I loved my family. The last thing that opened my eyes was that their flying monkey's were also covert Narcs and people I loved. Now I am walking free. I realized that who I loved and desperately needed love from hates me!
@@sandilardas5676 There is a poem by Mary Oliver called The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voice behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -- determined to save the only life that you could save.
Someone does something similar to me. I don't like cut up refrigerated fruit so when I freshly cut up like a watermelon or mango I eat it but this person decides to cut the whole thing up, eat from that bowl/plate and leave the leftovers for me in the fridge so not only the worst pieces are left for me but it's also put in the fridge for hours on end before I'm notified that it's been waiting for me in the fridge. When I express I'm not interested either this person throws a fit as "I went to the trouble to prep it for you and you are being ungrateful or this person conveniently puts it away for later for own consumption 😐 psychological move 💯
Mine will always deny anything you say they said or did to keep from having to be accountable for their wrong doings. Then will turn around and tell me I'm crazy. It's the most infuriating thing I've ever experienced.
I was constantly undermined - my cooking was too salty - my driving too scary - my approaches too mechanical - my cleaning was too manic - if i ignored something I was gaslighting, if i countered with annoyance i am always angry..
You just described my life for the past, 5 years and currently. I'm 56 yo and have never had anyone tell me I'm an angry person ever... When I told him this and that perhaps he should talk to the people who have known my whole life he said they'd just lie to cover for me ...I'm sorry, what??? Hypocritical, controlling, difficult(understatement) no accountability, gas lighting and the list goes on and on...
@@juliehurst3846 My narc step daughter was drying and I was washing dishes. She kept criticizing every dish as being 'still dirty' and returning it to me. So I said "You are clearly way more invested in this than I am. You can do them". I handed her the sponge and went and watched TV. She was stunned She was an adult by this time and did not live with us. 🤣
Their words and tone of voice do not make me THINK that they insulted me, they were actually teying to insult me. However, we do not have to accept their "present".
Yep! It’s so when you bring it up at a later time or even in the moment, they can defend themselves and make it your fault for “perceiving it wrong” because “that’s not what they meant.”🙄
Was married for 41 years and finally left with nothing but my dog. I was absolutely shattered. One of the things he said a lot was, “Nobody else loves you but, I love you. “ I am so glad I have stumbled on you. I know I have a long journey. Now, I am learning about myself.
@@brienneheustess3058 Nope, I had 3 dollars in my wallet. No plan, no place to go nothing. I went upstairs (don’t remember this part) and packed an overnight bag. In it I put 2 pairs of undies, a long sleeve shirt, a pair of jeans and, (don’t laugh) a formal gown. Didn’t make sense then or now. I put my Alaskan Malamute and her food and bowls in the back seat and left. It was a particularly cold January day with sleet and snow. Such a vivid memory. I drove around until almost dark just crying. No idea what to do or where to go. I was like a glass thrown on concrete. Shattered in so many tiny pieces. I have learned to start putting myself together knowing that I’m will not be able to find all of me. Learning to bridge the gaps by inserting turquoise into the open spots. (I love turquoise.) I know I may never be in the same design as I started out. I may not live long enough to finish me. That will have to be ok. Whatever the shape or how much is put together, will be stronger and beautiful. Of course it is s l o w progress. Some days I still cry and no progress is made. I have learned that it is ok. I know I am better and not ugly now.
I give my husband the silence treatment often because no matter how much I tell him he hurts me and makes me feel worthless, he doesn't listen and blames me for his behavior.
I think sometimes they’re talking to themselves and just using you as a proxy. Like they’re repeating what their parents told them and just turning it on you. And you’re like “What? That doesn’t even apply to me”.
they're so insecured deep down that they constantly need to project their own half-baked identity and mindset onto others, as if they were looking in a mirror to check whether they're vampires or not. Because they see no reflection, they need others to be a living reflection of themselves. It's both sickening and pathetic.
Yes, they will mouth off, sass off, vomit out of one side of the mouth and provoke an argument to get a reaction from you all the while they act like nothing happened.
10 out of 10. Having two narcissistic parents has made my life a real struggle. Hard to trust people, hard to be close to them, hard to feel happy. Lonesome every day.
me too but I've found that they were each trauma-based narcissist and understanding the details helped me understand but it is just hard work. They probably have never been exposed to the knowledge on this and we at least are able to overcome it with all the means available in this internet era, discovered the personality I thought was mine, was because they didn't allow any room for me to develop. my brother and sisters have not done any work on themselves and are therefore narcissists, gradually you will come out of the shadow of narcissism and eventually might even forgive them. If you do the latter it's because it's for you not for them. They are irrelevant. PS I escaped for decades from the age of 25 and went no contact, It drove them all mad. They responded by excluding me from their wills and spending all their money. So what, I always knew I was on my own. I have very little to do with my mother and my father is dead and I told. her point blank that I escaped for my own survival so she shouldn't take it personally. LOL!
Same here being bullied, mobbed, gaslighting, harassed at the hospital for over 12 years. I've happened to be the top worker for 38 years and have never been suspended. These bullies are jealous and miserable people. Union, manager, HR and the police are all totally useless. Bullies are lazy bums and stupid managers are scared of the bullies. They say about me I'm crazy, I drink, I'm a stalker all bs defamation of character. The biggest mistake since they removed disciplinary measures. They should arrest the bullies and fire the manager. Action speaks louder than nasty words. It destroyed my reputation. I will never quit to make these lazy bums ever win. If I decide to transfer to another hospital and may start mobbing once again, I don't know all the managers ect like in every department like now. So best to not change hospitals. I will never let bullies try to control me from quitting. Never let these low life lazy bums win ever win.
I am in the same boat. My parents were both narcissistic. The people I attract are often narcissists. I feel like giving up. I am always shocked at myself when I finally wake up to that and end the relationship. The one thing I did right after years of suffering was to marry a kind man! Somehow I managed that!
The one thing I would add that sort of fits into the omission category is they will purposefully exclude you from the other people in their lives which I think is because they talk behind your back when you're not around and don't want that revealed. Kind of like your not good enough to be around those other people or your behavior is unacceptable in some way. It's very covert. I've literally been verbally attacked by spouses of my brothers or friend and I know very well it's because they have given them a negative impression of me. I find myself wondering why the hell this person spoke to me in such a manner or even had the nerve to do so in the first place. It's because that brother or friend has instilled in their spouse that this is an okay way to treat me as they have very little respect for me when I'm not around or even when I am and that spouse actually takes those cues from them & thinks it's okay to treat me this way as well. How many of us have experienced those people who treat us very well, one on one, but then treat us much differently when that 3rd person enters the picture? I find this is a very good way to identify that someone is not genuinely who they appear to be. Good video overall.
100% I can relate, especially to that last bit you wrote. In private, I have been the Narc's "closest friend and confidant" until a third party enters the picture... Then I suddenly become like a mange-y stray dog they rescued and are tolerating out of sheer kindness!
I agree 💯 they keep you away from other people and other family members by spinning fake stories…… but they “ pretend” to care for you and to be there for you …just to keep you shackled to them for their own selfish needs !!!
Another neighbor story. I moved into an apartment from a house, to a State where people ftom parts of the US converge. A woman in my building and I seemed to be in a growing friendship right away, went to stores together, did errands, a couple of lunches. She was always telling me of the friends she made and the parties they got her onto and how a group went to lunch Saturdays. I expected to go to at least an occasional lunch with them and to meet them in some way. As weeks and months passed I realized I was not. Then it was her birthday. We were to go somewhere to pick up something around 1:30. She set it back that very day to later in the day because she was going to lunch with her friends to celebrate her birthday! I felt like I was whacked in the gut. I was home, dressed to go, when she showed up with this pack, and they passed my door chattering. Then I heard them laughing, from her balcony. I waited like Cinderella until they left and the phone rang and she said she was ready for the errand. That was the beginning of the end. We are cordial, but by now don't go anywhere together. There were criticisms and head games when we went out and about anyway. I would think during this that she couldn't have been interacting with her valued group in these ways. In time, I gave up.
Yes,I learned it's true they blame us play victim they de value us but than continue to stay in the relationship (I'm now ending) don't they see through them?it's insane, makes them feel like they should turn against you too!!flying monkeys possibly??
EXACTLY!!!! 💯 ! This narcissistic society that we live in has made it so that it is unlawful for us to get the justice that we deserve. Emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, all of it is abuse, and people literally will die because of it. Science has even proven that it can change our molecular structure and people can get really sick from all the toxicity and the way that we have to hold it all inside, because nobody else really understands. 🤷🏻♀️ It amazes me that in the 21st-century that we’re in that this plague of narcissism has been infiltrating our society slowly and more and more victims are showing up and telling their stories! TESTIMONIES!!!! And people can get really sick from all the toxicity and the way that we have to hold it all inside because nobody understands??!! 🤷🏻♀️ Some thing really needs to be done because if these people know that they can go to prison for this kind of stuff then maybe they’ll stop. But then again, maybe they won’t.
I mean this totally tongue in cheek, but if they're not prosecuted, is it really a crime? Now if you have that all in texts or email, that's another story, right?
All 10 were used on me. I got out of a marriage of 43 years and my recovery is consistent, I can laugh again and feel happy. You explain it so well. Thank you.
I’m happy you got out of it. I’ve been married almost 43 years too but I don’t try harder I just don’t care anymore about any of it. I never expect a you look pretty good or you’ve done good. I’m never enough and I just don’t care about my marriage anymore.
Omg, I was married 40 years and he made me feel exactly what your saying and I didn't even realize that I was being abused. My husband was covert and everybody else says oh he is so nice. Yeah right.. I am so glad I'm out of that marriage but I still have a low self esteem.
I have been married to my husband for 30 years. I didn't discover he was a covert narc until a couple of years ago. Looking back I knew something was wrong but I honestly thought it was me, like we all do when involved with these demons. Everything was great before we got married but with in weeks after being married the subtle abuses started like him rolling over in bed and acting like he was asleep when I got into bed. And then the gaslighting started. About weekly he tells me how much everyone he works with love him. Who says that? Only a Narcissist would. I just roll my eyes in secret because I know if I say anything the abuse will start about how ungrateful and mean and angry I am. Which I am actually none of the above.
@@swanbaby62 They take advantage of your kindness. Normal people are friendly. Not all friendly people are Normal. Kind people are Normal. Not all kind people are Normal. Kindness without Honesty is Manipulation. 💗💗💗
The fawning response is the absolute worst side effect of narcissistic abuse because like you said, you never really show up as yourself. I’ve heard it referred to as “anxious friendliness.” An acquaintance of mine took a noticeable distance for that very reason. What started out as a budding friendship, turned into her doing a complete 180. Instead of just being myself (less anxious to please), I fell into an all too familiar pattern. Becoming “painfully aware” of this tendency has helped me to avoid this alienating behavior, thanks to your videos and other RUclips channels. I can’t thank you enough.
Fawning is like when you change your own personality to try and be who they want you to be ? But then they call you fake and say they rather have someone who is real and doesn’t pretend to be someone they ain’t calls you a liar or says your “ acting “ 🤦🏻♀️ when you actually just want them to love you and crave their approval and acceptance … but they just point out everything you do wrong and anything and everything from the past that they can think of to it you down and make u feel worthless or unwanted and try n convince you everything is your fault even wrongs they did or do is somehow your responsibility/fault. It’s so hurtful because the more you try to uplift and compliment them so they don’t feel bad about themselves and feel loved af but it’s never enough and your just kissing ass because you know that you are the reason why , and are the worst person that they ever been with ect ect
I saw something heartbreaking on Love is Blind Brazil Season 3. One of the ladies took her (very narcissistic) mother to see her trying her wedding dress on. The woman cried watching all of the other ladies showing up with their wedding dresses but when her daughter came out, blank stare... When asked what she thought she said "meh, if she likes it...".
By choice my wedding was very low (actually I just wanted as few people there as possible but I did need a witness, never mind, total strangers stepped in) key and mom used that as an excuse not to attend, (I never even bothered meeting my 2nd step dad myself, 3rd times a charm aye Mom....)
I just happened to come across your videos when I was in the middle of losing my mind trying to figure out if he was really a narc. Thank you so very much!! I def needed to listen to these. Now I’m gonna be able to speak my mind without anymkre guilt.
Thank You Michele ❤ My sibling did all 10 of these insults. I have been no contact for over a year. I saw a msg he left in my " blocked msgs box". He wanted an explanation of why I went no contact. So I explained it is because the family has shown they're toxic for over 40 yrs. Got tired of the bickering, gossiping, misjudgments, hypocrisy, rivalries, lies, jealousy & envies directed at me by a narc mom & entitled sibling. He consulted with them & told me ....I am the selfish, weak, narc who needs to pray for humility. He denied any wrongdoing. He excused them, but accused me. Then he discounted the yrs of physical abuse I experienced from my abusive husband. He said he told me these things about me out of "love". He said he's " worried" about me. Glad I made the right decision to leave these people alone. I know my truth & I know who they are.
That's a classic DARVO move on his part. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Basically gaslighting you and accusing you of what they are guilty of. They cannot be reasoned with and they don't ever get better.
How incredible and so well written! There you re-opened the door and it's back bolted shut! That funny your sibling consulted with the low lives... My older overt coke head sis threatened to do a well-ness check on me via hosp or cops (she leaves nastiest messages) if I didn't get back to her, I sure feel sorry for whomever else she may have dealt with that day!
I experienced all 10 and probably 10 more. The narcissist that I dated for over 8 years was unbelievable. He would leave me alone in my darkest moments and when confronted, he would always turn it to be my fault.
Exactly. When my dad was dying and I was called home my ex said "if you go don't think you will get another holiday" and when I was in labour he said " if you were having the baby today the Dr would have told you yesterday when you saw him" ....and he just sat at the table and ignored me ... but then my waters broke
1. direct rejection (insult), 2. covert insults they make you think it's for your own good, 3. crimes of omission ...ignore your attributes or accomplishments ( I was the scapegoated child and black sheep), no compliments, say nothing nice to you , 4. projection of their shame to you 5. scapegoating, 6. gaslighting They say something nasty when you call it out they say they never said that or you took it wrong, make you doubt yourself and your reality, 7. one up, compare you to others and you are in the neg lite, 8. backhanded compliments, 9. they act bored when you talk to them but if you talk about them they come alive 10. silent treatment (blessing in disguise!!!)
This video is another relief to know we’re not “overthinking” their insults. Sorry not sorry to them to say they just choose to be awful people. They don’t care.
My narc family members have all 10 of these. It has been hard for me to have normal friendships throughout my life (other than one-sided friendships where I do all of the giving), and I think it may be due to the fact that I've never known anything else other than fawning responses/people-pleasing. I think others view my trauma responses as personality traits, and don't see me as having a strong identity.
33 yrs with my narcissist spouse.. He does them ALL... If only I had known he was just such a great actor prior to marrying him.. what I got before marriage & after = two completely different people...
Same. 30 years here. He was wonderful before we married. Soon after the little digs started and the neglect. It was so gradual. Now I know who he is and know where he gets his power from. Me. I give nothing. Anytime he tries to start a fight I know exactly what to say to cut it off immediately. He will never take my power away again and he knows it now. I just discovered who he is and what his problem is a couple of years ago due to youtube. So many years of confusion and chaos and lies. The lies he told.....and the gaslighting....horrible. If I ever brought up one of his stories/lies he would act like I was the crazy one and the one that was making lies up. he couldn't remember all the lies he has told and continues to tell. He's told some whoppers too.
I can relate,sorry we're going through this but I'm just learning after 8 years I was cheated on for 3 at lest his phone is sacred I can't touch it,he twisted my wrists & head butted me grabbed it back was a test,he's still wooing other women acting as if the crazy pathetic woman won't leave he's tried to throw me put the lies he tells are horrible 😢un loved as a child said he never heard I love you was abandoned, his mother was a alcoholic whom supposedly loved men cheated on his dad in front of him he said he waited outside a car while she was doing the dirty deed w some drunkard I think mommy issues & no love,iv tried to bring him to peace with the situation & closer to God but I'm leaving him once I get released from hospital after almost 2 months tomorrow the neglect & abuse is to much to explain here.pray & run while you can
I have been maintaining no contact with my narcissistic mother for the past two months. During the first month, she attempted to create conflict by involving everyone in the family and spreading false information about me. Recently, I received a text from a cousin, whom I rarely communicate with, asking me to keep my mother in my prayers and to update them on her surgery that took place last Wednesday. Despite the lack of communication, neither the doctor's office nor my mother herself has reached out to inform me about her condition. Therefore, I have decided not to involve myself in this matter, as I have no knowledge of her health status.
Stay strong and dont give in to all the tactics. Even attending their funeral isnt a must, so keeping informed of their health condition totally isnt necessary. We tend to be empathic and the narcissist parent knows this, this is part of the reason we are chosen as the scapegoat because of our emotional diligence and ability to be manipulated. We cant control the narrative of what people will think or say about us, and we have to release all of it and become self-focused to heal and put ourselves first without guilt.
Thank you for the support you have provided. The situation with my mother has been challenging, especially considering her age of 66. However, I can't help but remember the hurtful comment she made to me the last time we spoke, when she expressed hatred towards me and wished me dead. It was even more surprising when she mentioned that she had always harbored these feelings towards me since I was a baby. In addition to that, she attempted to involve other family members by triangulating them against me when I decided to cut off contact. Now, a month later, she has reached out through a cousin I don't speak to, claiming to be sick and in need of surgery. I find it perplexing that my mother, who lives just 10 minutes away, chose not to inform me directly if something serious was happening. If it truly was a serious situation, she would have contacted me herself instead of using a third party. I see through these tactics, which is why I have chosen to remove these individuals from my life. While I wish them the best, I refuse to subject myself to such chaotic behavior. What's even more bewildering is their reluctance to apologize for what happened, yet they expect me to come running back and serve them. I should mention that I am relieved my mother managed to secure $300,000 of my late father's money, as it can now be used for her health services. I advised her not to squander it on gambling and unnecessary expenses, as she may require it for future bills. She mistakenly believed that I wanted to take away all her money, when in reality, I only wanted to ensure she was taken care of after the passing of my brother and father. However, I have moved on from this situation and decided to distance myself for the sake of my own mental well-being and safety.
My mother would do this same thing. She would want to drag me into very unhealthy dynamics (for me) and then when i don't "play along" and appease her she would make me out to be terrible. She recently sent me a text about how DISSAPOINTED she is that i didn't check on her following a positive covid test and mild symptoms. She said she is VERY HAPPY she had all boosters 🤦♀️🤦♀️ I said sorry to hear you have covid. Hope you get well soon. Then she sent a text to me ..saying my nephew had appendicitis and is now fine. I just k ow her and she wants to make me look bad when it is actually she who is awful
I have to authorize taken away with a Section 10 covert mom's covid vacs, that sure doesn't make my day! Mom's in my prayers alright as are the other member of her cult but I xan guarantee it's not for anyone of thems recoveries! Her doc wouldn't even (she thought the world of him) acknowledge my existence, why would he, too busy keeping her overly sedated and a frequent customer!
Having these videos makes you realize these individuals have taken over your life. They have tried to make you see they are the center of the universe. The issue is taking back your power, experiencing joy - instead of hiding it; feeling you can accomplish what you set out to and more; which they have stifled. I have to repeat what everyone knows, you get manipulated, and don't recognize this for too long. Yes, you end up beating yourself up too.
I've actually come to appreciate the silent treatment. I know it hurts them waaaay more if they just leave me alone for a day or two. Unfortunately, they catch on and realize that I'm enjoying their absence.
Yesss one of my inlaws doesn't acknowledge me or other people when they are around but then when I do the same thing to him he gets all mad and says I hate him. 😂 so I purposely don't acknowledge him since he said that
It’s traumatizing! You nailed it! In my mind I crushed his being ‘cause I no longer love nor care for this abusive narcissist! Ignoring, working and abandoning this person is truly the payback!
It’s like I’ve become a narcissist detector. Trained by parents who did all 10, ex’es and bosses who hid it do well in the beginning to suddenly devaluing snd discarding. I’ve stopped fawning and now walk away completely from any sign of narcissism. If at work, rmr who I am and do my best. Like having a barrier of authenticity and strength.
I have been surrounded by narcisists all my life and they have done all of the 10 abusive tactics you have described. The way out is to break the trauma bonds and start honouring our true feelings, stop phoning to the narcisistic cruel people and tell ourselves the truth of how we feel and start living authentically and maturely.
I was with a Narc, I finally had the courage to leave even his daughter would treat me like that. Ignore me like I don’t exist and I have no idea why.. Everytime her Dad would tell her negative stuff about me; this 30 plus lady would act like I was a post in the house. It was sickening to be there, I also learned later that I was like in a soap opera who welcomed me with such a loving and realizing it was all an act and all watching what’s going to happen to me like all others. Such a sickening situation. You can’t really understand what’s it’s like to be with a true narcissist until you experienced the mind boggling confusing daily interaction. If you are not strong, you can lose your mind and so be strong and run for your life. It looks perfect on the outside but once you’re inside the horror house , you will question your mind. Not worth it, love yourself and do not let them manipulate you over and over again. Not worth living that miserable life.
I felt that. I was valedictorian in high school, and they didn’t even go to my college graduation, but she made sure to tell me that she went to the graduation of a granddaughter that she spoiled, who has no respect for her at all and treats her horribly. And she acted proud of that child. But she told me that I should just not let her lack of interest in my graduation bother me and if it did, it was my fault.
You’re talking about what I have just been beginning to figure out. My mother and siblings were sociopathic/narcissistic. Sadly, I involuntarily learned this behavior. I’m trying to unlearn this involuntary reaction and replacing it with my original person. The level of abuse I’ve endured I’ve not heard of anywhere. Mother and siblings. Then they try to slap psychological false narratives and labels to mask their roles.
All that you mentioned here is completely true. But in my case, in addition to what you said, my mom was physically aggressive and smart enough to hide her true colors from others. Pain and bruises are things I remember from her. I escaped my country, and I have no contact with that monster. She turned my siblings against me by her crocodile tears. The sad thing is that those narcissists are always good at brainwashing people and showing themselves like angels. I feel sad because she always gets away with whatever she did to me for many years. Where is justice?
It just takes time.... I have a narcissistic mom who was also physically abusive. And made me the scapegoat although I was her only child. I'm 56 and she is 76 years old. 10 years ago we got into a fight and had no contact for about 8 years. Until I accidentally ran into her. My dad left her after 36 years of marriage and fled to another country. By that time there was already no contact with her own family members or in-laws. Narcs are not as smart as they seem. Family figured her out way before I did. They refused to put up with her behavior Therefore I never had a chance to connect with aunts, uncles or nephews/nieces. They always find new people to fulfill they're every need: now only neighbour's... but because those people are not damaged like we are they quickly see their true colors. And run for the hills when they find out who they're dealing with. My mom initiated contact after the accidental ran into her at the mall. And I thought she had changed. She seemed softer and more friendly. But within a year the insults, the gossiping to neighbors, the direct insults started again and I felt trapped. My adult daughter who is well aware of her behavior started being the targeting point too. Even when her father (my ex husband) died there was NO empathy and actually "you're better of withouth him" right to her face and I witnessed that. Realizing she hadn't changed a bit. And lately she gave my daughter the silent treatment too because she set some boundaries because she was used as an employee to run arrents for my mom of which we know she can easily get it herself. And she lives a long drive away. I have had a stroke a couple of years ago (which my mom wishes not to believe) but as time progressed she could see by herself I could not be "of use" to her so her renewed interest in me declined. And made me realize that was her goal all together: me running arrents for her because her granddaughter will be emigrating/traveling and therefore not be able to serve her. And btw: if she gives my daughter the silent treatment I do the same to my mom. Or actually my mom is already giving me the silent treatment because I'm of no use to her. I hope contact will bleed to death automatically (without a big fight). And for my daughter I'm scared: my mom already disinheritated me when we broke up 10 years ago so what would stop her to do the same to my daughter and give inheritance to charity. Although I still feel empathy for my mom (what made her narcissistic... was she born that way? Bet she didn't ask for it?) I remove myself from her influence. It's noticeable my health physically and mentally declined in 2 years of being in contact again but I'll no longer expose myself to that or as least as possible and try to do some damage control concerning my daughter. My daughter will leed her own life and still has some contact with her but I know that comes with a price eventually and not just money wise. Sometimes I hope my mom just passes away and not grow into her 90'ties like most women in our family. Feel guilty about that thought but then and only then I think we can really have some freedom and start to heal. And as long as there will be new neighbors she will have people in her life. They last for a couple of years and then they become "enemies" too. Or she will get smarter and tone down a bit to not be totally alone and left to her own. I don't know.. it's hard.. wished that my health was better so I could be her caretaker when it becomes necessary and detache myself emotionally. But physically I'm not able and emotional detachment is also impossible. In 2 years she ruined the little bit of mental health I gained after 46 years of abuse. But still feel the obligation and if I was healthier and able to do what she demands I would fall I to that trap again. It's still you mom you know? Although you never had one!! Complicated. But in the end they'll get their "reward" for treating people the way they do. Which is still sad if there is no "golden child" or siblings who'll stay until the end...
I'm so thankful there are so many resources out here that can help us validate the emotional abuse we've suffered through for years. Thank you for this video!!
Knowing that that is deliberate when they don't notice anything you do now makes sense to me. I can stop shouting and realize that it is not going to happen while they are still enjoying a dominant position. Thank you for this one.
I've heard "that dress looks nice. I can take it in for you so you don't look so big". I used to be sad, anxious and apologize when getting the silent treatment. Now I know what it is and I enjoy the silence and peacefulness and go gray rock and train myself not to worry on it cause its not about me or anything I did.... I am learning and healing, better late than never.
I could Never be as Good as my husbands sisters! My husband fits everything you said! I was married to him for 32 years until my self-esteem was in the basement..but I had five children I Loved. He destroyed their self-esteem too. Two of them are dead..one at 30 and one at 44. God Saved me from him after 32 years. I have recovered somewhat..but circumstances have put us back together again! But I am stronger..but it is hard. I finally have information! Thank You! 😊❤
@@moyvuong7406 Because I am 79 and had a stroke and my daughter is taking care of us both in a house my son provided. The wife he married after me didn’t like him either.
I've said this once before and I'm going to say it again. I don't care who they are anyone who'd downgrade another person in any way is NOT worthy of your time attention or energy so you'd do well to dismiss them as the lost causes that they are.
I had two different people (same family) ask me how I’m doing and as soon as I started to respond, they would all of a sudden look away like something else was going on behind me. After a while, I would just tell them I’m fine, because I knew if I said any more what their response would be. I had someone move things or actually steal things from me and when I would call them on it, they, of course, would deny it. I began having panic attacks, because of these things. I got out.
I started using herbal tinctures such as lemon balm ( daytime) and skullcap ( night time) after l woke up to the narcissistic family. My body used to pour sweat, hands, feet and pits, after using these nervines ( for healing the nervous system) my body has become much more calm and relaxed, l don’t sweat nearly as much anymore and l feel like l have sat down into my body ( if that makes any sense). I also sleep much better.
Greetings from Oregon. Thank you Michele for speaking on this topic. I think it's important that people be educated that people like this are out there and, for people, who get caught up in having to endure their ways, to know that they are not, by any means, the only ones. You could say that I had to learn the hard way. Years ago, I was living in Madrid, Spain. At that time, I was a young man about a year out of college. During the first few months of my time there, I rented a room in the home of an lady in her late 50s who was both a widow and a grandmother. My choice to rent from her had purely to do with the fact that I had just arrived in town, I needed somewhere to live and this option was right basically right there in the social circle I arrived into. Looking back there were a couple of factors about me at the time that made me particularly vulnerable. One was of course that I was young and in a lot of ways inexperienced with certain realities when it comes to people. Then there was the fact that I was in the culture of a country that was distinct from what I'd grown up in. Then the third reason, interestingly enough, had to do with Christian faith. I had met this lady through a church of which we were both part. At that time, I had only been a Christian for a few years and was still under the rather naive impression that all who say they they so identify do not act selfishly and hurtful toward others, especially if the individual in question otherwise appears mature.. When I first moved in, I found her helpful and ready to provide me with anything I needed that she could and this was the way it was for the first few weeks. One of her passions was cooking and she was really big on making sure I always had enough to eat. In hindsight, I can now see ways this could of served earlier on as a warning of what was to come.. I gradually got the impression that, for her, favorable appearance publicly speaking, particularly in how she cared for others was everything. The big turning point came when I had some money disappear from a desk drawer in my room. I made the mistake of asking her if she might have done anything with it. She not only got nasty and defensive with me about it but, right up until I moved out, she keep bringing it up from time to time complete with reminders of how hurt I'd made her feel just by asking. However, after I purchased a small safe to keep my money in, it kept disappearing until I finally started keeping the spare key away from home in my desk at work. Though I'd said nothing to her about this, right after starting to do it, I had to endure from her, three weeks of silent treatment, exactly as you describe it here. The timing of it was was miserable also because during that time I developed a bad cough. And I dared not ask her what was wrong for fear she'd go ballistic on me. She got this way with me several other times including over things I was personally planning to do over the Christmas holidays. Finally, one morning she got nasty with me once again. This time, it was over where another American ex-patriot and I had gone for lunch the day before and what I'd ordered. (a sandwich) After her interrogating it out of me over breakfast, I guess it wasn't good enough for her when I could have come home instead to a more complete meal prepared by her, as I did normally. Three days later, I moved out. I'll leave it to you to guess how the final showdown went, except that one of the things she had to say for herself when I called her out on it initially was "Well I just want to be like a mother to you." But I'd realized that she was not going to change, had I stayed, I probably would have been in for more of it and, by that point, I was needing to take care of myself. But I learned a couple life skills as a result of this experience. First, whenever you enter into a any kind of arrangement of this type, especially with someone who is at best an acquaintance, never make a final decision to do so without first seeking out someone else who knows them well enough to give you a sort of character reference. Someone who can be trusted to tell it to you straight if there's anything about them that needs to be understood. I think it's also good, when possible as you get to know them, to pay attention to how they treat others including what they say about them when they're not around and to trust your gut feeling if something doesn't seem quite right.
I would think to myself when my ex would say this off the wall stuff; "what did she just say?", "how do I respond to this crazy talk?". I wouldn't say a word because the narc rage would come; if not that day, a few days later. One knew it was coming; not if, but when.
If you are in a narcissistic relationship and "break free" in the way that you understand the narcissistic mechanism and no longer reacts then it's over. The relationship is over. I came to that point. I told friends I have come to the point she is like a car where the second gear doesn't work. But I now know how to drive it, it's not comfortable but I'm used to it, it's not possible to fix it and it's no use get upset about it. A few months later she broke up and said "it isn't exciting seeing you anymore"
😢I have much healing to do from my recent break up from my alcoholic narcissist ex boyfriend. This is exactly what I went through but I’m glad I grew the strength to break away. Thank you Michelle
You look so beautiful Michelle! Thank you I've listened to your videos since 2018 and your voice feels so comforting and I truly feel I've learned something. I collect narcissists unconsciously my EX best friend of 17 years is one I could FEEL her boredom when I talked about me I actually felt guilty and would stop talking bc my purpose was to be HER support system 🙄
You hit it on the nail as to why we fall for a narcissist. My father was a narcissist but I didn’t know it then. He died with ALS and I loved him so much but never felt loved by him. I was his caretaker. This man is just like my father.
My ex wife keep mentioning, that at one point when my daughter was 2 I dropped her while lifting her.. Always bringing it up like it a fun story.. "Hey remember that time, where you dropped our daughter" and laughing - even though I have never found it even the slightest funny. Nothing happened to her, back then, but I felt really bad for it - and I think that is why it is so funny to my ex.. It is a story she always told our friends / mine and her family, and it would always make me feel bad.. I guess to her advantage..
@@brendarewan7441 someone like that it doesn't matter they know what they're doing. You have to check her but ultimately it's her nature and more will come.
Whenever my husband, kids, and I would go on vacation my mom would stop drinking/ taking her meds. So 2 days later we'd have to cut our vacation short and come home because she'd be hospitalized. She ruined so many vacations that my husband took me to Hawaii for our 25th anniversary. He told her to take care of herself because we WEREN'T coming back early. Amazingly enough, she did survive without me for a whole week.
I had a narc ex tell me that I was imagining her pulling away from me because I'd had it happen in previous relationships. She admitted later on that the situation was exactly as I read it. I've never had past partners pull away like that. I was being gaslit.
To minimize my opinion or hurt my husband tells me "I was in a good mood" ( until my comments/issue came along basically). Kills me more every time. I am trying to use a grey rock strategy to block his abuse. He has done several of these things. Nothing is of interest except what is going on in his life and work. Turning blame on to me. Telling me "no one helps me", guilt trips. Projecting his fear of being weak, trying to make me trauma bond all the time. I hope I am teaching my children what the love of a parent is supposed to be so they don't carry this onto adulthood. My low self esteem made me a target. I'm not proud to be in this relationship, but I am not going to give up on my life.
Thank you for this vid Michele - i'm realising my fawning has also turned so many people off and its funny because ultimately i'm showing up constantly to people thinking 'how can I be loved' (cc the courage to be happy). And then i'll get upset because i'm thinking i'm being 'nice' and I genuinely care about meeting these people but I'm becoming more and more aware of the driving force underneath. I'm also realising that some people in my life are just a hangover from that way of being and it's interesting interacting with some people now, I almost see their faces differently. It's like every conversation is them analysing literally everything - at times they almost forget to have normal face expressions they just zone into your face. In comparison with some new people who are beginning to enter into my life I can see the difference. My family is currently being commandeered by two covert narcs who don't have much going on in their lives. This year after my birthday receiving an after thought text from my mom and nothing since (2 months) I realised I have to cut my losses and just move forward, if I keep over-thinking it keeps me stuck. I do feel like i'm ready to move out of my head and into my body. I laughed outloud at the comment 'yes please fawn, please stifle you so that you can be there for me' LMAO it sums it up so perfectly. I'm so glad i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel x
Great list. I listen to this everyday, he does them all! It’s a reminder when I start doubting he is a problem and I’m thinking letting my guard down. Poor sick puppy.
Both my mother & partner are narcissists. I always wondered why my mother praised my brother’s work and not mine. My grades were always better than his grades. I now understand why she did it. And sadly, my partner has done all 10. I am in the process of leaving him. I will, also, look to get help for complex PTSD. Thank you.
I’ve listened to loads of videos about Narcissists, this has to be one of the best point by point summary. Spot on! And the advise to break the cycle of attracting the narcissist by stopping fawning. Not just saying get out but also how to recover. I’ve lived through 63 years of narcissistic abuse by a mother and two spouses. I needed to know how to stop fawning! Wow! thank you
I am sad to say I went through all of this in my marriage from both my former wife and her mother because the two of them came as a package deal. Out of it for two years now but still trying to repair the emotional damage they caused.
I grew up I a narcissistic family….. so when I met my first covert narcissist girlfriend…. It was a field day for her…. By the time I got discarded…… I was a mess on the floor…. I have to laugh about it now …. This was 1990 so I didn’t have a name for it back then…. I just knew she used my feelings against me
That’s basically the problem - as soon as you shut down one game - in a blink of an eye they are on to the next game. Alo-plastic is when they do something to hurt you that is so very subtle and when you call them on it they put on he innocent routine while all along they were purposefully plotting a way to hurt you and get away with it. (see Dr. Vaknin) My conclusion - they are posessed (Nefarious - movie) Exorcists recommend you don’t talk to them - (look at the trouble Eve got into!). They are capable of running circles around you. That’s why the only thing that works is “no contact”
Here's how my Dad did it: flatter and praise me about something I'm actually not good at, set up a situation where I have to do the thing in front of everyone, spend the prep time lowkey reminding me of all the weaknesses in my skills and repeatedly tell me how much he expects me to really excel "this time" despite it being a really big challenge I might not be ready for, but that he's trusting me to try harder "this time", implying how I didn't 'really' try last time and it was horribly disappointing. Sabotage my public performance any way possible and then shame me all month afterwards for being a loser who wastes his time and money on things I'm terrible at. Then gently suggest that I suck at basketball, but I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Over and over for 20 years. I can't wait until the bastard dies.
So very malicious and cruel - multi steps - very intricate and long lasting. He must be a psychopath. Ah - he has won even now. Unfortunately your hate keeps you trapped - hurt and unable to move on. So he’s still effecting you. Only forgiveness will set you free. See Fr Blount online.
I know what you mean by decades. I started seeing a psychiatrist in 2002 . After years of meds and then it seemed like they weren’t helping anymore I stopped taking them. I even remember sitting in my psychiatrist office thinking this will never do any good because my actual problem was my mother and her bread crumbing me. If she comes with me and I get her in here my Doctor will explain to her why and how she’s harming all of us. So I brought her with me one visit, but I just couldn’t get the words out. It’s like being deprogrammed from a cult.
I couldn’t bare that if she really loved us, and the doc was to get her to see, she’d be crushed. But now, I wish I was brave that day. But I just couldn’t say what I wanted. Because I was the scapegoat and treated in such ways it just comes out wrong and I scream.
They make you feel worthless and that gives them sick pleasure! Thank you for this video that helps victims of narcissistic people, parents and partners! 💛🖤🐝🖤💛😊👋
My mother often use the rhetorical question, "Do you think you're better than the rest of us?" This always made me feel so inferior. Of course I had to answer, "No." And I never understood how these interactions degraded me in so many ways. This is how she kicked me, knocked me down and stomped on me leaving me completely helpless and hopeless.
Years ago, I realized that he would tell me how wonderful I was and then days later, I'd do or say something (the "wrong" thing) and then be told how horrible, selfish, or any other word opposite of wonderful I was. When he "complements" me now, I take it with a grain of salt. I still never know what to say after 20 years that could set him off. I'm so drained. Truly drained :/
Yes NPD family system it is damaging to the point that we get caught up in unhealthy relationship cycles afterwards🤕💔. There is so much healing needed to do on us when you grew up like this. In my case slowly step by step I cut the family off because I saw they can't change and every time when I go back to them I've been attacked and humiliated. In my first relationships afterwards we were like war veterans helping each other to heal. I was choosing allways people who also needed to heal. Than I repeated the cycle with another NPD person and saw clearly that I am not healed and my anxious-avoidant attachment style will push me further in the same connections if I don't change and get out of the trauma bonding. There were a lot of beliefs inside of me left from my upbringing which I started to heal. It was very helpful to read my diaries and see that at age 12 I've been regularly emotionally abused and grew up scared believing I am worthless. I allways saw that my parents are crazy and wanted to run from them but I did internalized how they were seeing me💔🗡. I done 15 years therapy and became family therapist. It helped me to tell them how I felt. In letter I described all what they have done to me and in the end going no contact and changing my family name brought me to new life and peace finally. 💚🌱 Life is amazing when I feel myself and whole. I don't have to hide, be ashamed. I do what I love to do and is great to live like this.🌺❤
On august it will be 1 year of the silent treatment. At this point the ball is in my court! I caught him cheating and I forgave him. Things were going ok then I found out shady stuff and eventually found out he was still doing the same things and I realized he was not going to change. Sadly I’m one of those woman that depend on him financially( and by now we all know that they are the ones that put u in a situation where u depend on them)so it has been very hard for me to leave. But now he knows damn well that I know who he really is and that he can’t fool me anymore so yea he hasn’t tried talking to me anymore. I know he wants me to leave so that he can tell everyone I’m the one that left even though he hasn’t tried absolutely anything to try to fix our relationship in almost a year lol also my narcissistic husband insulted me in every single way you mentioned on this video
YEP ! All ten ! It was why I left. I didn’t even need to wait around to figure out “why” he was playing those games. I just recognised that he was nasty and so I gave up on the dream of being with a “nice” person … and so I left the relationship
All 10 as well as physical abuse. I was at the very least told I was a "3 dressed up as a 9". 43 years later that still goes around and around in my head! Help!!! My worst fear is that I have become a narcissist because of past trauma! 😢
I lived this life for 34 years. When I finally left my husband, l realized he was a narcissist. I tried so hard to please him. After 4 years on my own, I still think it was all my fault. I have to watch videos like this to remind myself that I am not at fault. I will never fall into another narcissist relationship. My trust issues may never allow me to get into another relationship. 😢
WOW!! That is all I can say. My mind is blown. Thank you for this video! I worked with a horrible narcissist for 8 years and it was awful, it was so traumatic. It’s been almost a year and a half since I finally had to leave that job bc of her and I’m still dealing with the fallout. I told ppl I feel like I’m dealing with PTSD from it, it’s traumatic, but I feel they would think that is silly; it wasn’t like it was an abusive boyfriend or something. But it was an abusive relationship. She was the senior teacher in our department and she just was awful to me. It was ALL you described. And it wasn’t all at once. It was subtle. And of course I would think maybe it’s me. She would get a little better, but then it would all go down the crapper again soon enough. And from what you said she was just changing tactics. She was horrible to some of her students too-those that were not her “golden children” or her favorites. I mean all the things you shouldn’t do as a teacher in showing favoritism to students, she does. I’m just so blown away by this. I’m still mad at her bc I loved that job but felt I had no other choice but to leave in order to save myself and my mental health. There had been so many meetings with the principal and others but nothing changed. Everyone complained about her and all she was doing, yet nothing was done. This is a video I will be sharing. And I did exactly what you described. I didn’t understand why. But it was my subconscious that was trying to make it better and prove myself. Just wow-so much insight there. I’m a lot better now but I still have nightmares with her and the anger comes up-toward her and myself for “falling” for all this and not getting out sooner. Thank you for the video.
16 years of marriage. Last 5 year’s punishment of no sex because I am “unsafe” (emotionally, because I dare to bring up the sh.t he does and get more profound in narcissism). Recently he offered me a “date” which made me think something changed but then he hit me with a hammer saying “I am not interested in relationships with you, just a one night stand with no strings attached. We know each other, right? You know me and I know you that we both are healthy and I won’t sneakily tape you and then blackmail you- why not?” 😳 I was shocked and felt insulted and like I never really knew him. He withholded the affection and closeness for all these years playing a victim and now he is saying that he can abstain and have 1-time sex with me?! WTF? Even professional pickupers giving the girls a chance for a future relationships but he said it straight that he is not interested in building relationships with me 😮 I felt totally broken now. Can’t leave because we have a son and I fully dependent on him financially but looking for ways to get up again and work again.
That whole "You know me and I know you that we both are healthy and I won’t sneakily tape you and then blackmail you- why not?” Part sounds suspicious. Why would he even think of something _that_ specific? Is that him telling you his plans? Please be careful.
The WORST THING THEY DO is during the Love Bombing they want to learn all about you and your past... what hurt you in your life... then their superior memory uses your painful memories to shame you and constantly remind you of that situation.
Small and constant covert insults. Example: we were re-doing the living room, and before I went to the store to pick out baseboards, he had called ahead and told them I was incapable of making decisions, so they had only 3 styles ready for me to choose from.
Both my parents have devalued me never even say they've ever thought I've accomplished anything ever. But will itemize every fault mistake and things that I donteven do .
NARCS does all these things to me,I educated myself years ago about these abuse tactics,it doesn't work with me all it shows is the narc is feeling so insecure around me so the power is with me without even trying
When I think of the narcissists I’ve come across in my life now, I think of the ways they were damaged before they even met me. Took me a long time and a couple of particularly horrendous experiences, but I see now that it’s not a reflection of me 🙏💚
I am on disability. One diagnosis is cptsd. Generalized anxiety disorder also. Since I was a child. I recently discovered what a narcissist is. In counseling by my therapist. She told me she thought I was a empath. I didn't know what that was. I am married now to s covert narcissist. And we live with his spiritual narcissist mother. ...I am still in disbelief. 4 yrs ago I started researching NPD. Currently taking trauma reboot course. It's heartbreaking.
I understand completely, I'm also a emath his mother was a abusive narcissistic whom cheated on his father regularly so I'm guessing he's learned from her idk I'm still fairly new to learning this stuff I'm young & 8 years I been in hospital for 6 weeks he's not bothered to come see me bit 4 times just NC I asked him to bring Me stuff I needed.hes never complimented me,said sorry I'm always the one doing these also I call him dear or hunny babe never he uses terms of endurment I thought he was someone else I now see he's a perverted bug kid that is greedy & too proud,attention seeking constantly from other women & I'm nothing but a statue to make other women think he's something bc I'm not bad to look at they think there's more than his looks that aren't that easy on eyes sadly I was looking at heart & personality but I see that he puts that on for all the not bad looking gals but he's abused me mentally but cheated & physically I won't even go there.
They never want you to feel you matter. No matter what you accomplish, do, or go through in life, they're sure to make you feel small. Something is very wrong with them.
We're the only ones which are right and they try to destroy that too!
My family litterly kept saying its not a dessert when i said it was a dessert,
this is a dessert,you can see the sand.
They are insecure, actually they are scared to lose you
@@valariecrebbs4751 my oldest sister did. I literally went no contact with her because she was blatantly obviously with her favoritism of another of my sisters 3 yrs older than me. She visited me one time and never after that.. but would fly 3 hrs to visit with her every chance she got. I live 30 minutes from her. Last time she flew to visit with my other sister she stayed there a month and went to places we'd talked about going. My sister she visited talked about how it was the visit from hell and she couldn't wait for her to go home. I never said one word to my oldest sister about what my other sister said about her lengthy visit experience. I could write a novel on the cruel backstabbing things I've been subject to all my life and just swallowed. I finally realized I wasn't the problem. My one sister wanted my oldest sister all to herself and manipulated things where she managed to do just that. 😢
feel this
These people are disgusting, will never change. Just run for your life, there’s no hope.
They aren’t available for a relationship. Just leave!
They have a relationship with them.
I believe narcistic people had a parent who was the same way.
Or they were traumatised by ongoing abuse by a situation they couldn't escape. Or they were simply spoiled. Or both. One of my parents had both the other had one.@@berealrb1496
😂 Made me LOL 👍
1. Direct Rejection. They insult you to your face.
2. Covert insults disguised as “help”.
3. Crimes of Omission. Acting as if they don’t notice anything good about you and your accomplishments.
4. Projection of their shame. When you feel bad about yourself.
5. Scapegoating. It’s always your fault, disempower you. Ostracize you.
6. Gaslighting. Insult and erode your self esteem in one. Then deny they did it. Causes you to doubt yourself.
7. Always one-upping you. Compare you unfavorably to others. Goal to make you try harder to please them.
8. Back-handed compliments.
9. Act bored when you’re speaking. Animated when subject is them. You don’t matter to them.
10. The Silent Treatment. You called them out and they didn’t have an out, so they treat you as the living dead. Emotional torture.
Strangely this helpful list made me recall an old roommate and how narcissistic their behavior was. More recent partners, bosses, friends, family touched in most; some seemed to specialize in one or two tactics.
Thank you for consolidating this into notes. Makes a good reference
Thank you. I would add 11. Making you feel like you are always behind, being not enough (developing an atmosphere of constant drama, unsecurity, etc). 12. Constantly saying you derogative remarks on your person to make you feel weak, inadequate.. pretending that it is just a humour and you are too sensitive and insecure if you think that these remarks are targeted insults.
@@johnton6488yes I agree with you. Thank for sharing you insight I really appreciate it. May the Lord Jesus Christ heal you and provide all your needs in a relationship with himself. Be well. And take it one day at a time. The Lord has a good purpose for your life. That can only be found in him.
I love the statement… “when someone shows you who they are; believe them the first time” and I live by that. Who they show you is who they are …. you just need to GET IT.
Amen!
This is difficult to stick to, keep getting push to 'give them another chance', 'xxx wants to talk to you ' when 1st time was enough. No 2nd meets. All people no matter who.🤝
@@Stardustpal25 of course they want another chance…. to duped the victim.
All men wear masks. Anything inconsistent pops out from them, that’s who they’ll be when they think you’re attached to them.
In the relationships with the 3 different narcissists I experienced 8 and 9 of these with each one!
My sister was a "B" student. I got straight "A"s, which were ignored. I asked my mother why nothing was said about my straight "A"s She said "It's because we known you CAN". So because I could achieve A's, they weren't worth mentioning. Years later I bought a condo and all by myself, painted the entire thing including ceilings, walls, doors and trim. Mentioned it to my mother who immediately mentioned my older sister painted a 2 x 10 inch strip on a window frame they had repaired. I just stared at her wondering what planet she was from......
Oh yeah! The old “so and so did this” Can’t they get more original than that?
You can show them your LIKES or DISLIKES in life~ once they know something bothers you they will keep using it t o get a response~there all control freaks~most likely because there crazy trauma filled childhoods were so out of control.
And maybe it is more of my personality style, but I did not require my mom to "high-five" me. She knew and I knew that I was diligent at everything I did so from my perspective, I don’t think your mom was ignoring you. She knew that your sister required more attention because she saw that she was not quite up-to-par as you are. My mom did the same thing with my older brother. He is a complete screw-up and is on his 4th marriage, and his kids (from his 3rd marriage) want nothing to do with him. But me? I never needed my mom to tell me she loved me or that I did a great job at “whatever” I did. She saw me as diligent, hard-working, persistent, studied engineering at college, went to Iraq, now work for the Army, etc.. My success was her success. I think mom’s just naturally give some of their children more attention because those kids require it. Mom’s know what to do.
@@veltonmeade1057 You didn't need your mom's support and love because you knew you already had it. BIG difference.
Never share with them anything , they will always find away to make you feel less then . Keep it all to your self the good and bad ! Give them nothing 😊
What I noticed about them also, is they ALWAYS REMEMBER what YOU DON"T LIKE and USE IT AGAINST YOU FOREVER. If you tell a narcissist that you don't like eating chocolate because it makes you break out~ Don't be surprised that they will now try to force chocolate onto you forever until you snap. The love to push buttons. ~ personally I feel they should all get a punch in the face. ~ but that would just wreck my own karma and make them relive there trauma based childhoods again making them even more nasty. ~Calgon take me away
That's why asserting yourself & setting up boundaries with a narcissist is so difficult as they will use that boundary as something to steamroll over at any & every opportunity & if you tactfully attempt to reassert yourself about that boundary they'll accuse you of being aggressive. It's like they want to drive us insane to the point of having to punch them in the face & then they'll go squealing to the authorities & anyone else stupid enough to believe them so that they can make out that we were the abusive one
@@carpathianken That's why people feel so helpless~what has helped me the most to actually feel like they have no power over me is my believe in the spiritual principle of Karma. Ive looked at the readings of Edgar Cayce, and without a doubt, I KNOW THEY WILL REAP WHAT THEY SOW. just knowing that in the back of my mind makes it possible for me to just stand there and let them yell all day long. It's when your ego kicks in that your screwed. That's when I have thoughts of choking them to death.
All 10...for decades! I am now free and healing from their abuse. I loved them. I doubted myself for years. With God's help I got free. I let them go emotionally and yet kept contact because I loved my family. The last thing that opened my eyes was that their flying monkey's were also covert Narcs and people I loved. Now I am walking free. I realized that who I loved and desperately needed love from hates me!
@@sandilardas5676 There is a poem by Mary Oliver called
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voice behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
Someone does something similar to me. I don't like cut up refrigerated fruit so when I freshly cut up like a watermelon or mango I eat it but this person decides to cut the whole thing up, eat from that bowl/plate and leave the leftovers for me in the fridge so not only the worst pieces are left for me but it's also put in the fridge for hours on end before I'm notified that it's been waiting for me in the fridge. When I express I'm not interested either this person throws a fit as "I went to the trouble to prep it for you and you are being ungrateful or this person conveniently puts it away for later for own consumption 😐 psychological move 💯
Everytime I try to call them out about the things they do, they say I'm playing a victim. Every. Single. Time.
'Victim' is EVERY narcs middle name!
Right, and that you don't take responsibility, then play victim.
Mine will always deny anything you say they said or did to keep from having to be accountable for their wrong doings. Then will turn around and tell me I'm crazy. It's the most infuriating thing I've ever experienced.
May I suggest wearing wireless headphones & tuning into a comedy channel & laughing as you tune him out. It works like magic every time.
Yes to this. I was called a "victim" or having a "victim mentality" whenever I call them on their b.s.
I was constantly undermined - my cooking was too salty - my driving too scary - my approaches too mechanical - my cleaning was too manic - if i ignored something I was gaslighting, if i countered with annoyance i am always angry..
Let him do the cooking, cleaning, driving himself then,
@@juliehurst3846 let her do the cooking - etc - yes that created a crisis and now we are separated -
@@bentriefus5961good
You just described my life for the past, 5 years and currently. I'm 56 yo and have never had anyone tell me I'm an angry person ever... When I told him this and that perhaps he should talk to the people who have known my whole life he said they'd just lie to cover for me ...I'm sorry, what??? Hypocritical, controlling, difficult(understatement) no accountability, gas lighting and the list goes on and on...
@@juliehurst3846 My narc step daughter was drying and I was washing dishes. She kept criticizing every dish as being 'still dirty' and returning it to me. So I said "You are clearly way more invested in this than I am. You can do them". I handed her the sponge and went and watched TV. She was stunned She was an adult by this time and did not live with us. 🤣
A lot of times they can insult you indirectly where the tone of their voice and their choice of words will make you feel like they’re insulting you.
Absolutely 👍
Their words and tone of voice do not make me THINK that they insulted me, they were actually teying to insult me. However, we do not have to accept their "present".
"Uhhh Ya Ah"
Yep! It’s so when you bring it up at a later time or even in the moment, they can defend themselves and make it your fault for “perceiving it wrong” because “that’s not what they meant.”🙄
Yes.. tone of voice.
Was married for 41 years and finally left with nothing but my dog. I was absolutely shattered. One of the things he said a lot was, “Nobody else loves you but, I love you. “ I am so glad I have stumbled on you. I know I have a long journey. Now, I am learning about myself.
I got that comment to but people do n will love you
How'd you leave? Did you have money saved up, etc? A plan?
@@brienneheustess3058 Nope, I had 3 dollars in my wallet. No plan, no place to go nothing. I went upstairs (don’t remember this part) and packed an overnight bag. In it I put 2 pairs of undies, a long sleeve shirt, a pair of jeans and, (don’t laugh) a formal gown. Didn’t make sense then or now. I put my Alaskan Malamute and her food and bowls in the back seat and left. It was a particularly cold January day with sleet and snow. Such a vivid memory. I drove around until almost dark just crying. No idea what to do or where to go. I was like a glass thrown on concrete. Shattered in so many tiny pieces. I have learned to start putting myself together knowing that I’m will not be able to find all of me. Learning to bridge the gaps by inserting turquoise into the open spots. (I love turquoise.) I know I may never be in the same design as I started out. I may not live long enough to finish me. That will have to be ok. Whatever the shape or how much is put together, will be stronger and beautiful. Of course it is s l o w progress. Some days I still cry and no progress is made. I have learned that it is ok. I know I am better and not ugly now.
Well done,
Same!! My ex told me nobody loves me, neither does my family. Very painful.
I give my husband the silence treatment often because no matter how much I tell him he hurts me and makes me feel worthless, he doesn't listen and blames me for his behavior.
Get a job and leave. It won't get better.
So awful!
This made me feel validated and reassured me that I wasn't dramatic or insane. Thank you so much!
Same for me!
Me also
What about when they tell you the rest of the family don’t want anything to do with you but they do and say they do
goodbye to the family. its been freeing
@@debbiemccormick1218
@@debbiemccormick1218 my nextdoor neighbor was like that. I heard he had c.o.d. Yeah, & one of his is Pathological Lying.
I so hid my personality. I was crushed at first . Now I am me again! I am grateful for that.
That's wonderful! I'm happy for you!
I think sometimes they’re talking to themselves and just using you as a proxy. Like they’re repeating what their parents told them and just turning it on you. And you’re like “What? That doesn’t even apply to me”.
they're so insecured deep down that they constantly need to project their own half-baked identity and mindset onto others, as if they were looking in a mirror to check whether they're vampires or not. Because they see no reflection, they need others to be a living reflection of themselves. It's both sickening and pathetic.
That’s deep wow
Yes, they will mouth off, sass off, vomit out of one side of the mouth and provoke an argument to get a reaction from you all the while they act like nothing happened.
10 out of 10.
Having two narcissistic parents has made my life a real struggle. Hard to trust people, hard to be close to them, hard to feel happy. Lonesome every day.
❤so sorry
me too but I've found that they were each trauma-based narcissist and understanding the details helped me understand but it is just hard work. They probably have never been exposed to the knowledge on this and we at least are able to overcome it with all the means available in this internet era,
discovered the personality I thought was mine, was because they didn't allow any room for me to develop. my brother and sisters have not done any work on themselves and are therefore narcissists,
gradually you will come out of the shadow of narcissism and eventually might even forgive them. If you do the latter it's because it's for you not for them. They are irrelevant.
PS I escaped for decades from the age of 25 and went no contact, It drove them all mad. They responded by excluding me from their wills and spending all their money. So what, I always knew I was on my own. I have very little to do with my mother and my father is dead and I told. her point blank that I escaped for my own survival so she shouldn't take it personally. LOL!
Same here being bullied, mobbed, gaslighting, harassed at the hospital for over 12 years. I've happened to be the top worker for 38 years and have never been suspended. These bullies are jealous and miserable people. Union, manager, HR and the police are all totally useless. Bullies are lazy bums and stupid managers are scared of the bullies. They say about me I'm crazy, I drink, I'm a stalker all bs defamation of character. The biggest mistake since they removed disciplinary measures. They should arrest the bullies and fire the manager. Action speaks louder than nasty words. It destroyed my reputation. I will never quit to make these lazy bums ever win. If I decide to transfer to another hospital and may start mobbing once again, I don't know all the managers ect like in every department like now. So best to not change hospitals. I will never let bullies try to control me from quitting. Never let these low life lazy bums win ever win.
Try hard not to live in the past. Every time a Negative thought comes to your mind, replace it with something positive. Pray ,God will help you. 😊
I am in the same boat. My parents were both narcissistic. The people I attract are often narcissists. I feel like giving up. I am always shocked at myself when I finally wake up to that and end the relationship. The one thing I did right after years of suffering was to marry a kind man! Somehow I managed that!
The one thing I would add that sort of fits into the omission category is they will purposefully exclude you from the other people in their lives which I think is because they talk behind your back when you're not around and don't want that revealed. Kind of like your not good enough to be around those other people or your behavior is unacceptable in some way. It's very covert. I've literally been verbally attacked by spouses of my brothers or friend and I know very well it's because they have given them a negative impression of me. I find myself wondering why the hell this person spoke to me in such a manner or even had the nerve to do so in the first place. It's because that brother or friend has instilled in their spouse that this is an okay way to treat me as they have very little respect for me when I'm not around or even when I am and that spouse actually takes those cues from them & thinks it's okay to treat me this way as well. How many of us have experienced those people who treat us very well, one on one, but then treat us much differently when that 3rd person enters the picture? I find this is a very good way to identify that someone is not genuinely who they appear to be. Good video overall.
100% I can relate, especially to that last bit you wrote. In private, I have been the Narc's "closest friend and confidant" until a third party enters the picture... Then I suddenly become like a mange-y stray dog they rescued and are tolerating out of sheer kindness!
I agree 💯 they keep you away from other people and other family members by spinning fake stories…… but they “ pretend” to care for you and to be there for you …just to keep you shackled to them for their own selfish needs !!!
Another neighbor story. I moved into an apartment from a house, to a State where people ftom parts of the US converge. A woman in my building and I seemed to be in a growing friendship right away, went to stores together, did errands, a couple of lunches. She was always telling me of the friends she made and the parties they got her onto and how a group went to lunch Saturdays. I expected to go to at least an occasional lunch with them and to meet them in some way. As weeks and months passed I realized I was not. Then it was her birthday. We were to go somewhere to pick up something around 1:30. She set it back that very day to later in the day because she was going to lunch with her friends to celebrate her birthday! I felt like I was whacked in the gut. I was home, dressed to go, when she showed up with this pack, and they passed my door chattering. Then I heard them laughing, from her balcony. I waited like Cinderella until they left and the phone rang and she said she was ready for the errand. That was the beginning of the end. We are cordial, but by now don't go anywhere together. There were criticisms and head games when we went out and about anyway. I would think during this that she couldn't have been interacting with her valued group in these ways. In time, I gave up.
Yes,I learned it's true they blame us play victim they de value us but than continue to stay in the relationship (I'm now ending) don't they see through them?it's insane, makes them feel like they should turn against you too!!flying monkeys possibly??
How can the law claim to protect victims of abuse when they don't allow us to charge and put these folks in prison for mental and emotional abuse?
Revilers will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Reviling is verbal/emotional abuse. Man is not just, but God is just.
I don't see the 1 reply?
EXACTLY!!!! 💯 ! This narcissistic society that we live in has made it so that it is unlawful for us to get the justice that we deserve. Emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, all of it is abuse, and people literally will die because of it.
Science has even proven that it can change our molecular structure and people can get really sick from all the toxicity and the way that we have to hold it all inside, because nobody else really understands. 🤷🏻♀️
It amazes me that in the 21st-century that we’re in that this plague of narcissism has been infiltrating our society slowly and more and more victims are showing up and telling their stories! TESTIMONIES!!!!
And people can get really sick from all the toxicity and the way that we have to hold it all inside because nobody understands??!! 🤷🏻♀️
Some thing really needs to be done because if these people know that they can go to prison for this kind of stuff then maybe they’ll stop. But then again, maybe they won’t.
I mean this totally tongue in cheek, but if they're not prosecuted, is it really a crime? Now if you have that all in texts or email, that's another story, right?
If you don't like it...leave
Always gonna flip it back on to you, whatever the situation.
Yep. Never want to work things out. Control matters, not the relationship.
All 10 were used on me. I got out of a marriage of 43 years and my recovery is consistent, I can laugh again and feel happy. You explain it so well. Thank you.
Yep 43 years for me too
Hey! We get a chance to live a wonderful, fun, peaceful life. They will just keep spinning in circles.
I'm happy for you@😊
I’m happy you got out of it. I’ve been married almost 43 years too but I don’t try harder I just don’t care anymore about any of it. I never expect a you look pretty good or you’ve done good. I’m never enough and I just don’t care about my marriage anymore.
Omg, I was married 40 years and he made me feel exactly what your saying and I didn't even realize that I was being abused. My husband was covert and everybody else says oh he is so nice. Yeah right.. I am so glad I'm out of that marriage but I still have a low self esteem.
I have been married to my husband for 30 years. I didn't discover he was a covert narc until a couple of years ago. Looking back I knew something was wrong but I honestly thought it was me, like we all do when involved with these demons. Everything was great before we got married but with in weeks after being married the subtle abuses started like him rolling over in bed and acting like he was asleep when I got into bed. And then the gaslighting started. About weekly he tells me how much everyone he works with love him. Who says that? Only a Narcissist would. I just roll my eyes in secret because I know if I say anything the abuse will start about how ungrateful and mean and angry I am. Which I am actually none of the above.
They do it so slowly, you don't notice what you have become.
I experienced all 10 narcistic traits for 23 years of a loveless marriage ... Wish i knew that narcs feed off empaths way back then
@@swanbaby62 They take advantage of your kindness. Normal people are friendly. Not all friendly people are Normal. Kind people are Normal. Not all kind people are Normal.
Kindness without Honesty is Manipulation. 💗💗💗
I almost started to cry at the example of the scapegoated child. I've been in these relationships for so long and finally just breaking free at 47!
Better late than never!
@@cathiwim I started doing the work a few years ago now but this stuff takes time, not easy but freedom is amazing!! Thank you!
Good for you🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
Me too! I'm 45!!
I hope you can find strength in reading the bible and seeking Jesus Christ in prayer. He wants a relationship with you. Be well.
The fawning response is the absolute worst side effect of narcissistic abuse because like you said, you never really show up as yourself. I’ve heard it referred to as “anxious friendliness.” An acquaintance of mine took a noticeable distance for that very reason. What started out as a budding friendship, turned into her doing a complete 180. Instead of just being myself (less anxious to please), I fell into an all too familiar pattern. Becoming “painfully aware” of this tendency has helped me to avoid this alienating behavior, thanks to your videos and other RUclips channels. I can’t thank you enough.
Fawning is like when you change your own personality to try and be who they want you to be ? But then they call you fake and say they rather have someone who is real and doesn’t pretend to be someone they ain’t calls you a liar or says your “ acting “ 🤦🏻♀️ when you actually just want them to love you and crave their approval and acceptance … but they just point out everything you do wrong and anything and everything from the past that they can think of to it you down and make u feel worthless or unwanted and try n convince you everything is your fault even wrongs they did or do is somehow your responsibility/fault. It’s so hurtful because the more you try to uplift and compliment them so they don’t feel bad about themselves and feel loved af but it’s never enough and your just kissing ass because you know that you are the reason why , and are the worst person that they ever been with ect ect
I saw something heartbreaking on Love is Blind Brazil Season 3. One of the ladies took her (very narcissistic) mother to see her trying her wedding dress on. The woman cried watching all of the other ladies showing up with their wedding dresses but when her daughter came out, blank stare... When asked what she thought she said "meh, if she likes it...".
By choice my wedding was very low (actually I just wanted as few people there as possible but I did need a witness, never mind, total strangers stepped in) key and mom used that as an excuse not to attend, (I never even bothered meeting my 2nd step dad myself, 3rd times a charm aye Mom....)
I just happened to come across your videos when I was in the middle of losing my mind trying to figure out if he was really a narc. Thank you so very much!! I def needed to listen to these. Now I’m gonna be able to speak my mind without anymkre guilt.
Thank You Michele ❤ My sibling did all 10 of these insults. I have been no contact for over a year. I saw a msg he left in my " blocked msgs box". He wanted an explanation of why I went no contact. So I explained it is because the family has shown they're toxic for over 40 yrs. Got tired of the bickering, gossiping, misjudgments, hypocrisy, rivalries, lies, jealousy & envies directed at me by a narc mom & entitled sibling. He consulted with them & told me ....I am the selfish, weak, narc who needs to pray for humility. He denied any wrongdoing. He excused them, but accused me. Then he discounted the yrs of physical abuse I experienced from my abusive husband. He said he told me these things about me out of "love". He said he's " worried" about me. Glad I made the right decision to leave these people alone. I know my truth & I know who they are.
That's a classic DARVO move on his part. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Basically gaslighting you and accusing you of what they are guilty of. They cannot be reasoned with and they don't ever get better.
How incredible and so well written! There you re-opened the door and it's back bolted shut! That funny your sibling consulted with the low lives... My older overt coke head sis threatened to do a well-ness check on me via hosp or cops (she leaves nastiest messages) if I didn't get back to her, I sure feel sorry for whomever else she may have dealt with that day!
Yup - that’s why there is the 3 No Nos. Don’t respond, explain or defend. They are evil incarnate!!!
They like to tell you to pray for yourself because somehow you are at fault.
Don't let them get to you, only your opinion of yourself's important!
I experienced all 10 and probably 10 more. The narcissist that I dated for over 8 years was unbelievable. He would leave me alone in my darkest moments and when confronted, he would always turn it to be my fault.
Exactly. When my dad was dying and I was called home my ex said "if you go don't think you will get another holiday" and when I was in labour he said " if you were having the baby today the Dr would have told you yesterday when you saw him" ....and he just sat at the table and ignored me ... but then my waters broke
1. direct rejection (insult), 2. covert insults they make you think it's for your own good, 3. crimes of omission ...ignore your attributes or accomplishments ( I was the scapegoated child and black sheep), no compliments, say nothing nice to you , 4. projection of their shame to you 5. scapegoating, 6. gaslighting They say something nasty when you call it out they say they never said that or you took it wrong, make you doubt yourself and your reality, 7. one up, compare you to others and you are in the neg lite, 8. backhanded compliments, 9. they act bored when you talk to them but if you talk about them they come alive 10. silent treatment (blessing in disguise!!!)
This video is another relief to know we’re not “overthinking” their insults. Sorry not sorry to them to say they just choose to be awful people. They don’t care.
My narc family members have all 10 of these. It has been hard for me to have normal friendships throughout my life (other than one-sided friendships where I do all of the giving), and I think it may be due to the fact that I've never known anything else other than fawning responses/people-pleasing. I think others view my trauma responses as personality traits, and don't see me as having a strong identity.
33 yrs with my narcissist spouse.. He does them ALL... If only I had known he was just such a great actor prior to marrying him.. what I got before marriage & after = two completely different people...
Same. 30 years here. He was wonderful before we married. Soon after the little digs started and the neglect. It was so gradual. Now I know who he is and know where he gets his power from. Me. I give nothing. Anytime he tries to start a fight I know exactly what to say to cut it off immediately. He will never take my power away again and he knows it now. I just discovered who he is and what his problem is a couple of years ago due to youtube. So many years of confusion and chaos and lies. The lies he told.....and the gaslighting....horrible. If I ever brought up one of his stories/lies he would act like I was the crazy one and the one that was making lies up. he couldn't remember all the lies he has told and continues to tell. He's told some whoppers too.
I can relate,sorry we're going through this but I'm just learning after 8 years I was cheated on for 3 at lest his phone is sacred I can't touch it,he twisted my wrists & head butted me grabbed it back was a test,he's still wooing other women acting as if the crazy pathetic woman won't leave he's tried to throw me put the lies he tells are horrible 😢un loved as a child said he never heard I love you was abandoned, his mother was a alcoholic whom supposedly loved men cheated on his dad in front of him he said he waited outside a car while she was doing the dirty deed w some drunkard I think mommy issues & no love,iv tried to bring him to peace with the situation & closer to God but I'm leaving him once I get released from hospital after almost 2 months tomorrow the neglect & abuse is to much to explain here.pray & run while you can
Prayers
I have been maintaining no contact with my narcissistic mother for the past two months. During the first month, she attempted to create conflict by involving everyone in the family and spreading false information about me. Recently, I received a text from a cousin, whom I rarely communicate with, asking me to keep my mother in my prayers and to update them on her surgery that took place last Wednesday. Despite the lack of communication, neither the doctor's office nor my mother herself has reached out to inform me about her condition. Therefore, I have decided not to involve myself in this matter, as I have no knowledge of her health status.
Stay strong and dont give in to all the tactics. Even attending their funeral isnt a must, so keeping informed of their health condition totally isnt necessary.
We tend to be empathic and the narcissist parent knows this, this is part of the reason we are chosen as the scapegoat because of our emotional diligence and ability to be manipulated. We cant control the narrative of what people will think or say about us, and we have to release all of it and become self-focused to heal and put ourselves first without guilt.
Thank you for the support you have provided. The situation with my mother has been challenging, especially considering her age of 66. However, I can't help but remember the hurtful comment she made to me the last time we spoke, when she expressed hatred towards me and wished me dead. It was even more surprising when she mentioned that she had always harbored these feelings towards me since I was a baby. In addition to that, she attempted to involve other family members by triangulating them against me when I decided to cut off contact.
Now, a month later, she has reached out through a cousin I don't speak to, claiming to be sick and in need of surgery. I find it perplexing that my mother, who lives just 10 minutes away, chose not to inform me directly if something serious was happening. If it truly was a serious situation, she would have contacted me herself instead of using a third party. I see through these tactics, which is why I have chosen to remove these individuals from my life. While I wish them the best, I refuse to subject myself to such chaotic behavior.
What's even more bewildering is their reluctance to apologize for what happened, yet they expect me to come running back and serve them. I should mention that I am relieved my mother managed to secure $300,000 of my late father's money, as it can now be used for her health services. I advised her not to squander it on gambling and unnecessary expenses, as she may require it for future bills. She mistakenly believed that I wanted to take away all her money, when in reality, I only wanted to ensure she was taken care of after the passing of my brother and father. However, I have moved on from this situation and decided to distance myself for the sake of my own mental well-being and safety.
My mother would do this same thing. She would want to drag me into very unhealthy dynamics (for me) and then when i don't "play along" and appease her she would make me out to be terrible. She recently sent me a text about how DISSAPOINTED she is that i didn't check on her following a positive covid test and mild symptoms. She said she is VERY HAPPY she had all boosters 🤦♀️🤦♀️
I said sorry to hear you have covid. Hope you get well soon.
Then she sent a text to me ..saying my nephew had appendicitis and is now fine. I just k ow her and she wants to make me look bad when it is actually she who is awful
I have to authorize taken away with a Section 10 covert mom's covid vacs, that sure doesn't make my day! Mom's in my prayers alright as are the other member of her cult but I xan guarantee it's not for anyone of thems recoveries! Her doc wouldn't even (she thought the world of him) acknowledge my existence, why would he, too busy keeping her overly sedated and a frequent customer!
Sounds like the middle of a set up
Having these videos makes you realize these individuals have taken over your life. They have tried to make you see they are the center of the universe. The issue is taking back your power, experiencing joy - instead of hiding it; feeling you can accomplish what you set out to and more; which they have stifled. I have to repeat what everyone knows, you get manipulated, and don't recognize this for too long. Yes, you end up beating yourself up too.
I've actually come to appreciate the silent treatment. I know it hurts them waaaay more if they just leave me alone for a day or two. Unfortunately, they catch on and realize that I'm enjoying their absence.
Yesss one of my inlaws doesn't acknowledge me or other people when they are around but then when I do the same thing to him he gets all mad and says I hate him. 😂 so I purposely don't acknowledge him since he said that
It’s traumatizing! You nailed it! In my mind I crushed his being ‘cause I no longer love nor care for this abusive narcissist! Ignoring, working and abandoning this person is truly the payback!
Great way to say it. Today I felt truly relaxed and happy, 3 months NC. 🤝🎉
It’s like I’ve become a narcissist detector. Trained by parents who did all 10, ex’es and bosses who hid it do well in the beginning to suddenly devaluing snd discarding. I’ve stopped fawning and now walk away completely from any sign of narcissism. If at work, rmr who I am and do my best. Like having a barrier of authenticity and strength.
I went through 12 years with a narcissist. I was at my lowest point.
It's difficult.
I have been surrounded by narcisists all my life and they have done all of the 10 abusive tactics you have described. The way out is to break the trauma bonds and start honouring our true feelings, stop phoning to the narcisistic cruel people and tell ourselves the truth of how we feel and start living authentically and maturely.
I was with a Narc, I finally had the courage to leave even his daughter would treat me like that. Ignore me like I don’t exist and I have no idea why.. Everytime her Dad would tell her negative stuff about me; this 30 plus lady would act like I was a post in the house. It was sickening to be there, I also learned later that I was like in a soap opera who welcomed me with such a loving and realizing it was all an act and all watching what’s going to happen to me like all others. Such a sickening situation. You can’t really understand what’s it’s like to be with a true narcissist until you experienced the mind boggling confusing daily interaction. If you are not strong, you can lose your mind and so be strong and run for your life. It looks perfect on the outside but once you’re inside the horror house , you will question your mind. Not worth it, love yourself and do not let them manipulate you over and over again. Not worth living that miserable life.
I felt that. I was valedictorian in high school, and they didn’t even go to my college graduation, but she made sure to tell me that she went to the graduation of a granddaughter that she spoiled, who has no respect for her at all and treats her horribly. And she acted proud of that child. But she told me that I should just not let her lack of interest in my graduation bother me and if it did, it was my fault.
Soo tell her you're not bothered she didn't go....she's successfully getting to you, ...you have done great all by yourself, well done,
I'm so sorry you went through that. God loves you❤
You have been successful. Good for you!🎉🎉🎉
You’re talking about what I have just been beginning to figure out. My mother and siblings were sociopathic/narcissistic. Sadly, I involuntarily learned this behavior. I’m trying to unlearn this involuntary reaction and replacing it with my original person. The level of abuse I’ve endured I’ve not heard of anywhere. Mother and siblings. Then they try to slap psychological false narratives and labels to mask their roles.
Me too. Mostly mom and sister.
All that you mentioned here is completely true. But in my case, in addition to what you said, my mom was physically aggressive and smart enough to hide her true colors from others. Pain and bruises are things I remember from her. I escaped my country, and I have no contact with that monster. She turned my siblings against me by her crocodile tears. The sad thing is that those narcissists are always good at brainwashing people and showing themselves like angels. I feel sad because she always gets away with whatever she did to me for many years. Where is justice?
I'm is sorry for what you went through.
Oh it'll come and vengeance belongs to God, with you gone (the scapegoat) she'll get her feed elsewhere, guaranteed!
G-d will hve justice for all the injustices that happened to people (his creation) and everything in this world
It just takes time.... I have a narcissistic mom who was also physically abusive.
And made me the scapegoat although I was her only child.
I'm 56 and she is 76 years old.
10 years ago we got into a fight and had no contact for about 8 years. Until I accidentally ran into her.
My dad left her after 36 years of marriage and fled to another country.
By that time there was already no contact with her own family members or in-laws.
Narcs are not as smart as they seem. Family figured her out way before I did. They refused to put up with her behavior
Therefore I never had a chance to connect with aunts, uncles or nephews/nieces. They always find new people to fulfill they're every need: now only neighbour's... but because those people are not damaged like we are they quickly see their true colors.
And run for the hills when they find out who they're dealing with.
My mom initiated contact after the accidental ran into her at the mall. And I thought she had changed. She seemed softer and more friendly.
But within a year the insults, the gossiping to neighbors, the direct insults started again and I felt trapped.
My adult daughter who is well aware of her behavior started being the targeting point too. Even when her father (my ex husband) died there was NO empathy and actually "you're better of withouth him" right to her face and I witnessed that.
Realizing she hadn't changed a bit.
And lately she gave my daughter the silent treatment too because she set some boundaries because she was used as an employee to run arrents for my mom of which we know she can easily get it herself. And she lives a long drive away.
I have had a stroke a couple of years ago (which my mom wishes not to believe) but as time progressed she could see by herself I could not be "of use" to her so her renewed interest in me declined.
And made me realize that was her goal all together: me running arrents for her because her granddaughter will be emigrating/traveling and therefore not be able to serve her.
And btw: if she gives my daughter the silent treatment I do the same to my mom.
Or actually my mom is already giving me the silent treatment because I'm of no use to her.
I hope contact will bleed to death automatically (without a big fight).
And for my daughter I'm scared: my mom already disinheritated me when we broke up 10 years ago so what would stop her to do the same to my daughter and give inheritance to charity.
Although I still feel empathy for my mom (what made her narcissistic... was she born that way? Bet she didn't ask for it?) I remove myself from her influence.
It's noticeable my health physically and mentally declined in 2 years of being in contact again but I'll no longer expose myself to that or as least as possible and try to do some damage control concerning my daughter.
My daughter will leed her own life and still has some contact with her but I know that comes with a price eventually and not just money wise.
Sometimes I hope my mom just passes away and not grow into her 90'ties like most women in our family.
Feel guilty about that thought but then and only then I think we can really have some freedom and start to heal.
And as long as there will be new neighbors she will have people in her life.
They last for a couple of years and then they become "enemies" too.
Or she will get smarter and tone down a bit to not be totally alone and left to her own.
I don't know.. it's hard.. wished that my health was better so I could be her caretaker when it becomes necessary and detache myself emotionally.
But physically I'm not able and emotional detachment is also impossible. In 2 years she ruined the little bit of mental health I gained after 46 years of abuse. But still feel the obligation and if I was healthier and able to do what she demands I would fall I to that trap again. It's still you mom you know? Although you never had one!! Complicated.
But in the end they'll get their "reward" for treating people the way they do. Which is still sad if there is no "golden child" or siblings who'll stay until the end...
I hear you. 35 years of mental abuse, he turned our son's against me with his lies. I don't even know my grandchildren. I'm alone
I'm so thankful there are so many resources out here that can help us validate the emotional abuse we've suffered through for years. Thank you for this video!!
We have to heal enough to SET OURSELVES FREE ❤😚👍
Knowing that that is deliberate when they don't notice anything you do now makes sense to me. I can stop shouting and realize that it is not going to happen while they are still enjoying a dominant position. Thank you for this one.
I've heard "that dress looks nice. I can take it in for you so you don't look so big". I used to be sad, anxious and apologize when getting the silent treatment. Now I know what it is and I enjoy the silence and peacefulness and go gray rock and train myself not to worry on it cause its not about me or anything I did.... I am learning and healing, better late than never.
A compliment and an insult at the same time. Sounds like a jealous, narcistic person.
I could Never be as Good as my husbands sisters! My husband fits everything you said! I was married to him for 32 years until my self-esteem was in the basement..but I had five children I Loved. He destroyed their self-esteem too. Two of them are dead..one at 30 and one at 44. God Saved me from him after 32 years. I have recovered somewhat..but circumstances have put us back together again! But I am stronger..but it is hard. I finally have information! Thank You! 😊❤
Sorry for your losses.
Why stay with a man who is abusive, uv poor choices, rather b poor
@@moyvuong7406
Because I am 79 and had a stroke and my daughter is taking care of us both in a house my son provided. The wife he married after me didn’t like him either.
@@kathleenwharton2139um so sorry for your losses, and the abuse you have endured. I pray you find peace 🙏
My mom had a stroke at 40 yrs old. She's 76 now. You will thrive and not just survive.
I've said this once before and I'm going to say it again. I don't care who they are anyone who'd downgrade another person in any way is NOT worthy of your time attention or energy so you'd do well to dismiss them as the lost causes that they are.
I had two different people (same family) ask me how I’m doing and as soon as I started to respond, they would all of a sudden look away like something else was going on behind me. After a while, I would just tell them I’m fine, because I knew if I said any more what their response would be. I had someone move things or actually steal things from me and when I would call them on it, they, of course, would deny it. I began having panic attacks, because of these things. I got out.
I started using herbal tinctures such as lemon balm ( daytime) and skullcap ( night time) after l woke up to the narcissistic family. My body used to pour sweat, hands, feet and pits, after using these nervines ( for healing the nervous system) my body has become much more calm and relaxed, l don’t sweat nearly as much anymore and l feel like l have sat down into my body ( if that makes any sense). I also sleep much better.
Thank you for sharing!
Yup that is so true. My girlfriend shows no interest and gets bored but once we start talking about her day she comes alive
Greetings from Oregon. Thank you Michele for speaking on this topic. I think it's important that people be educated that people like this are out there and, for people, who get caught up in having to endure their ways, to know that they are not, by any means, the only ones.
You could say that I had to learn the hard way. Years ago, I was living in Madrid, Spain. At that time, I was a young man about a year out of college. During the first few months of my time there, I rented a room in the home of an lady in her late 50s who was both a widow and a grandmother. My choice to rent from her had purely to do with the fact that I had just arrived in town, I needed somewhere to live and this option was right basically right there in the social circle I arrived into.
Looking back there were a couple of factors about me at the time that made me particularly vulnerable. One was of course that I was young and in a lot of ways inexperienced with certain realities when it comes to people. Then there was the fact that I was in the culture of a country that was distinct from what I'd grown up in. Then the third reason, interestingly enough, had to do with Christian faith. I had met this lady through a church of which we were both part. At that time, I had only been a Christian for a few years and was still under the rather naive impression that all who say they they so identify do not act selfishly and hurtful toward others, especially if the individual in question otherwise appears mature..
When I first moved in, I found her helpful and ready to provide me with anything I needed that she could and this was the way it was for the first few weeks. One of her passions was cooking and she was really big on making sure I always had enough to eat. In hindsight, I can now see ways this could of served earlier on as a warning of what was to come.. I gradually got the impression that, for her, favorable appearance publicly speaking, particularly in how she cared for others was everything. The big turning point came when I had some money disappear from a desk drawer in my room. I made the mistake of asking her if she might have done anything with it. She not only got nasty and defensive with me about it but, right up until I moved out, she keep bringing it up from time to time complete with reminders of how hurt I'd made her feel just by asking. However, after I purchased a small safe to keep my money in, it kept disappearing until I finally started keeping the spare key away from home in my desk at work. Though I'd said nothing to her about this, right after starting to do it, I had to endure from her, three weeks of silent treatment, exactly as you describe it here. The timing of it was was miserable also because during that time I developed a bad cough. And I dared not ask her what was wrong for fear she'd go ballistic on me. She got this way with me several other times including over things I was personally planning to do over the Christmas holidays. Finally, one morning she got nasty with me once again. This time, it was over where another American ex-patriot and I had gone for lunch the day before and what I'd ordered. (a sandwich) After her interrogating it out of me over breakfast, I guess it wasn't good enough for her when I could have come home instead to a more complete meal prepared by her, as I did normally. Three days later, I moved out. I'll leave it to you to guess how the final showdown went, except that one of the things she had to say for herself when I called her out on it initially was "Well I just want to be like a mother to you." But I'd realized that she was not going to change, had I stayed, I probably would have been in for more of it and, by that point, I was needing to take care of myself.
But I learned a couple life skills as a result of this experience. First, whenever you enter into a any kind of arrangement of this type, especially with someone who is at best an acquaintance, never make a final decision to do so without first seeking out someone else who knows them well enough to give you a sort of character reference. Someone who can be trusted to tell it to you straight if there's anything about them that needs to be understood. I think it's also good, when possible as you get to know them, to pay attention to how they treat others including what they say about them when they're not around and to trust your gut feeling if something doesn't seem quite right.
I would think to myself when my ex would say this off the wall stuff; "what did she just say?", "how do I respond to this crazy talk?". I wouldn't say a word because the narc rage would come; if not that day, a few days later. One knew it was coming; not if, but when.
Love the "living dead" comment - so spot on & true! Yes, all 10 ways I experienced with the narcissistic relationship I was in. Great video! Thanks!
Or they insult you infront of your friends.
Right and then you find out you have a real disorder, perhaps something they insulted you with, they get real defensive when they realize it is abuse.
If you are in a narcissistic relationship and "break free" in the way that you understand the narcissistic mechanism and no longer reacts then it's over. The relationship is over.
I came to that point. I told friends I have come to the point she is like a car where the second gear doesn't work. But I now know how to drive it, it's not comfortable but I'm used to it, it's not possible to fix it and it's no use get upset about it. A few months later she broke up and said "it isn't exciting seeing you anymore"
😢I have much healing to do from my recent break up from my alcoholic narcissist ex boyfriend. This is exactly what I went through but I’m glad I grew the strength to break away. Thank you Michelle
Thx for the videos, helping me stay no contact again staying away from my ex Covert Narcissist 😢
You look so beautiful Michelle! Thank you I've listened to your videos since 2018 and your voice feels so comforting and I truly feel I've learned something. I collect narcissists unconsciously my EX best friend of 17 years is one I could FEEL her boredom when I talked about me I actually felt guilty and would stop talking bc my purpose was to be HER support system 🙄
Thank you, Michele, yes, I have and I am currently experiencing such, I hope that you and your daughter are well and safe too, you are appreciated.
You hit it on the nail as to why we fall for a narcissist. My father was a narcissist but I didn’t know it then. He died with ALS and I loved him so much but never felt loved by him. I was his caretaker. This man is just like my father.
My parents have been giving me the silent treatment for one month. I feel better with pigeons ❤😂
😂
Ah, but silence IS golden. Better than them talking IMO
My ex wife keep mentioning, that at one point when my daughter was 2 I dropped her while lifting her..
Always bringing it up like it a fun story..
"Hey remember that time, where you dropped our daughter" and laughing - even though I have never found it even the slightest funny.
Nothing happened to her, back then, but I felt really bad for it - and I think that is why it is so funny to my ex..
It is a story she always told our friends / mine and her family, and it would always make me feel bad.. I guess to her advantage..
Glad you wrote ex wife
What is your response? That is the key.
@@brendarewan7441 someone like that it doesn't matter they know what they're doing. You have to check her but ultimately it's her nature and more will come.
Yes i have experienced something very similar with my brother
I appreciate You! Thank you and everyone who is sharing, posting, and commenting on their experiences.. ❤
Whenever my husband, kids, and I would go on vacation my mom would stop drinking/ taking her meds. So 2 days later we'd have to cut our vacation short and come home because she'd be hospitalized. She ruined so many vacations that my husband took me to Hawaii for our 25th anniversary. He told her to take care of herself because we WEREN'T coming back early. Amazingly enough, she did survive without me for a whole week.
I had a narc ex tell me that I was imagining her pulling away from me because I'd had it happen in previous relationships. She admitted later on that the situation was exactly as I read it.
I've never had past partners pull away like that. I was being gaslit.
This information is amazing, thank you. I’ve never heard anyone call out their behavior so clearly.
All 10 of them, but I’m out 8 years now, still healing and learning how to thrive! Thanks Michele❤
To minimize my opinion or hurt my husband tells me "I was in a good mood" ( until my comments/issue came along basically). Kills me more every time. I am trying to use a grey rock strategy to block his abuse. He has done several of these things. Nothing is of interest except what is going on in his life and work. Turning blame on to me. Telling me "no one helps me", guilt trips. Projecting his fear of being weak, trying to make me trauma bond all the time. I hope I am teaching my children what the love of a parent is supposed to be so they don't carry this onto adulthood. My low self esteem made me a target. I'm not proud to be in this relationship, but I am not going to give up on my life.
Thank you for this vid Michele - i'm realising my fawning has also turned so many people off and its funny because ultimately i'm showing up constantly to people thinking 'how can I be loved' (cc the courage to be happy). And then i'll get upset because i'm thinking i'm being 'nice' and I genuinely care about meeting these people but I'm becoming more and more aware of the driving force underneath. I'm also realising that some people in my life are just a hangover from that way of being and it's interesting interacting with some people now, I almost see their faces differently. It's like every conversation is them analysing literally everything - at times they almost forget to have normal face expressions they just zone into your face. In comparison with some new people who are beginning to enter into my life I can see the difference. My family is currently being commandeered by two covert narcs who don't have much going on in their lives. This year after my birthday receiving an after thought text from my mom and nothing since (2 months) I realised I have to cut my losses and just move forward, if I keep over-thinking it keeps me stuck. I do feel like i'm ready to move out of my head and into my body. I laughed outloud at the comment 'yes please fawn, please stifle you so that you can be there for me' LMAO it sums it up so perfectly. I'm so glad i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel x
Great list. I listen to this everyday, he does them all! It’s a reminder when I start doubting he is a problem and I’m thinking letting my guard down. Poor sick puppy.
Both my mother & partner are narcissists. I always wondered why my mother praised my brother’s work and not mine. My grades were always better than his grades. I now understand why she did it. And sadly, my partner has done all 10. I am in the process of leaving him. I will, also, look to get help for complex PTSD. Thank you.
I’ve listened to loads of videos about Narcissists, this has to be one of the best point by point summary. Spot on! And the advise to break the cycle of attracting the narcissist by stopping fawning. Not just saying get out but also how to recover. I’ve lived through 63 years of narcissistic abuse by a mother and two spouses. I needed to know how to stop fawning! Wow! thank you
I am sad to say I went through all of this in my marriage from both my former wife and her mother because the two of them came as a package deal. Out of it for two years now but still trying to repair the emotional damage they caused.
I grew up I a narcissistic family….. so when I met my first covert narcissist girlfriend…. It was a field day for her…. By the time I got discarded…… I was a mess on the floor…. I have to laugh about it now …. This was 1990 so I didn’t have a name for it back then…. I just knew she used my feelings against me
That’s basically the problem - as soon as you shut down one game - in a blink of an eye they are on to the next game. Alo-plastic is when they do something to hurt you that is so very subtle and when you call them on it they put on he innocent routine while all along they were purposefully plotting a way to hurt you and get away with it. (see Dr. Vaknin)
My conclusion - they are posessed (Nefarious - movie) Exorcists recommend you don’t talk to them - (look at the trouble Eve got into!). They are capable of running circles around you. That’s why the only thing that works is “no contact”
Here's how my Dad did it: flatter and praise me about something I'm actually not good at, set up a situation where I have to do the thing in front of everyone, spend the prep time lowkey reminding me of all the weaknesses in my skills and repeatedly tell me how much he expects me to really excel "this time" despite it being a really big challenge I might not be ready for, but that he's trusting me to try harder "this time", implying how I didn't 'really' try last time and it was horribly disappointing. Sabotage my public performance any way possible and then shame me all month afterwards for being a loser who wastes his time and money on things I'm terrible at. Then gently suggest that I suck at basketball, but I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Over and over for 20 years. I can't wait until the bastard dies.
Why not try getting a job, schooling, or joining the military to get away? Your mental health and self esteem are going to suffer if you stay.
Cruel
So very malicious and cruel - multi steps - very intricate and long lasting. He must be a psychopath.
Ah - he has won even now. Unfortunately your hate keeps you trapped - hurt and unable to move on. So he’s still effecting you.
Only forgiveness will set you free.
See Fr Blount online.
Awful.
Forgive and get away to heal. If you don't Forgive it will eat you alive. Sick people came from sick people.
I know what you mean by decades. I started seeing a psychiatrist in 2002 . After years of meds and then it seemed like they weren’t helping anymore I stopped taking them. I even remember sitting in my psychiatrist office thinking this will never do any good because my actual problem was my mother and her bread crumbing me. If she comes with me and I get her in here my Doctor will explain to her why and how she’s harming all of us. So I brought her with me one visit, but I just couldn’t get the words out. It’s like being deprogrammed from a cult.
I couldn’t bare that if she really loved us, and the doc was to get her to see, she’d be crushed. But now, I wish I was brave that day. But I just couldn’t say what I wanted. Because I was the scapegoat and treated in such ways it just comes out wrong and I scream.
They make you feel worthless and that gives them sick pleasure! Thank you for this video that helps victims of narcissistic people, parents and partners! 💛🖤🐝🖤💛😊👋
My mother often use the rhetorical question, "Do you think you're better than the rest of us?" This always made me feel so inferior. Of course I had to answer, "No." And I never understood how these interactions degraded me in so many ways. This is how she kicked me, knocked me down and stomped on me leaving me completely helpless and hopeless.
Years ago, I realized that he would tell me how wonderful I was and then days later, I'd do or say something (the "wrong" thing) and then be told how horrible, selfish, or any other word opposite of wonderful I was. When he "complements" me now, I take it with a grain of salt. I still never know what to say after 20 years that could set him off. I'm so drained. Truly drained :/
Yes NPD family system it is damaging to the point that we get caught up in unhealthy relationship cycles afterwards🤕💔. There is so much healing needed to do on us when you grew up like this. In my case slowly step by step I cut the family off because I saw they can't change and every time when I go back to them I've been attacked and humiliated.
In my first relationships afterwards we were like war veterans helping each other to heal. I was choosing allways people who also needed to heal. Than I repeated the cycle with another NPD person and saw clearly that I am not healed and my anxious-avoidant attachment style will push me further in the same connections if I don't change and get out of the trauma bonding. There were a lot of beliefs inside of me left from my upbringing which I started to heal. It was very helpful to read my diaries and see that at age 12 I've been regularly emotionally abused and grew up scared believing I am worthless. I allways saw that my parents are crazy and wanted to run from them but I did internalized how they were seeing me💔🗡.
I done 15 years therapy and became family therapist. It helped me to tell them how I felt. In letter I described all what they have done to me and in the end going no contact and changing my family name brought me to new life and peace finally. 💚🌱 Life is amazing when I feel myself and whole. I don't have to hide, be ashamed. I do what I love to do and is great to live like this.🌺❤
Yep, all of these. The message comes across loud and clear.
On august it will be 1 year of the silent treatment. At this point the ball is in my court! I caught him cheating and I forgave him. Things were going ok then I found out shady stuff and eventually found out he was still doing the same things and I realized he was not going to change. Sadly I’m one of those woman that depend on him financially( and by now we all know that they are the ones that put u in a situation where u depend on them)so it has been very hard for me to leave. But now he knows damn well that I know who he really is and that he can’t fool me anymore so yea he hasn’t tried talking to me anymore. I know he wants me to leave so that he can tell everyone I’m the one that left even though he hasn’t tried absolutely anything to try to fix our relationship in almost a year lol also my narcissistic husband insulted me in every single way you mentioned on this video
I’m so sorry. I’m praying God will lead you and help you make a way out. 🙏
YEP !
All ten !
It was why I left.
I didn’t even need to wait around to figure out “why” he was playing those games. I just recognised that he was nasty and so I gave up on the dream of being with a “nice” person … and so I left the relationship
All 10 as well as physical abuse. I was at the very least told I was a "3 dressed up as a 9". 43 years later that still goes around and around in my head! Help!!! My worst fear is that I have become a narcissist because of past trauma! 😢
I called him out on his sarcastic tone and got told it was my imagination. Story of my life.
I lived this life for 34 years. When I finally left my husband, l realized he was a narcissist. I tried so hard to please him. After 4 years on my own, I still think it was all my fault. I have to watch videos like this to remind myself that I am not at fault. I will never fall into another narcissist relationship. My trust issues may never allow me to get into another relationship. 😢
WOW!! That is all I can say. My mind is blown. Thank you for this video! I worked with a horrible narcissist for 8 years and it was awful, it was so traumatic. It’s been almost a year and a half since I finally had to leave that job bc of her and I’m still dealing with the fallout. I told ppl I feel like I’m dealing with PTSD from it, it’s traumatic, but I feel they would think that is silly; it wasn’t like it was an abusive boyfriend or something. But it was an abusive relationship. She was the senior teacher in our department and she just was awful to me. It was ALL you described. And it wasn’t all at once. It was subtle. And of course I would think maybe it’s me. She would get a little better, but then it would all go down the crapper again soon enough. And from what you said she was just changing tactics. She was horrible to some of her students too-those that were not her “golden children” or her favorites. I mean all the things you shouldn’t do as a teacher in showing favoritism to students, she does. I’m just so blown away by this. I’m still mad at her bc I loved that job but felt I had no other choice but to leave in order to save myself and my mental health. There had been so many meetings with the principal and others but nothing changed. Everyone complained about her and all she was doing, yet nothing was done. This is a video I will be sharing. And I did exactly what you described. I didn’t understand why. But it was my subconscious that was trying to make it better and prove myself. Just wow-so much insight there. I’m a lot better now but I still have nightmares with her and the anger comes up-toward her and myself for “falling” for all this and not getting out sooner. Thank you for the video.
16 years of marriage. Last 5 year’s punishment of no sex because I am “unsafe” (emotionally, because I dare to bring up the sh.t he does and get more profound in narcissism). Recently he offered me a “date” which made me think something changed but then he hit me with a hammer saying “I am not interested in relationships with you, just a one night stand with no strings attached. We know each other, right? You know me and I know you that we both are healthy and I won’t sneakily tape you and then blackmail you- why not?”
😳 I was shocked and felt insulted and like I never really knew him. He withholded the affection and closeness for all these years playing a victim and now he is saying that he can abstain and have 1-time sex with me?! WTF? Even professional pickupers giving the girls a chance for a future relationships but he said it straight that he is not interested in building relationships with me 😮 I felt totally broken now. Can’t leave because we have a son and I fully dependent on him financially but looking for ways to get up again and work again.
That whole "You know me and I know you that we both are healthy and I won’t sneakily tape you and then blackmail you- why not?” Part sounds suspicious. Why would he even think of something _that_ specific? Is that him telling you his plans? Please be careful.
The WORST THING THEY DO is during the Love Bombing they want to learn all about you and your past... what hurt you in your life... then their superior memory uses your painful memories to shame you and constantly remind you of that situation.
I stopped fawning over them and wonder of wonders, the relationship fizzled out ! Go figure !
Small and constant covert insults. Example: we were re-doing the living room, and before I went to the store to pick out baseboards, he had called ahead and told them I was incapable of making decisions, so they had only 3 styles ready for me to choose from.
Thank you for setting me free! I love your videos! You have taught me so much! 🙏❤️
Both my parents have devalued me never even say they've ever thought I've accomplished anything ever. But will itemize every fault mistake and things that I donteven do .
NARCS does all these things to me,I educated myself years ago about these abuse tactics,it doesn't work with me all it shows is the narc is feeling so insecure around me so the power is with me without even trying
When I think of the narcissists I’ve come across in my life now, I think of the ways they were damaged before they even met me. Took me a long time and a couple of particularly horrendous experiences, but I see now that it’s not a reflection of me 🙏💚
I am on disability. One diagnosis is cptsd. Generalized anxiety disorder also. Since I was a child. I recently discovered what a narcissist is. In counseling by my therapist. She told me she thought I was a empath.
I didn't know what that was.
I am married now to s covert narcissist. And we live with his spiritual narcissist mother. ...I am still in disbelief. 4 yrs ago I started researching NPD. Currently taking trauma reboot course. It's heartbreaking.
I’ve found that that healing my trauma helped me see the red flags in narcs before it’s too late.
@@carolbond6124 I had to drop the class. More curve balls from life.
I understand completely, I'm also a emath his mother was a abusive narcissistic whom cheated on his father regularly so I'm guessing he's learned from her idk I'm still fairly new to learning this stuff I'm young & 8 years I been in hospital for 6 weeks he's not bothered to come see me bit 4 times just NC I asked him to bring Me stuff I needed.hes never complimented me,said sorry I'm always the one doing these also I call him dear or hunny babe never he uses terms of endurment I thought he was someone else I now see he's a perverted bug kid that is greedy & too proud,attention seeking constantly from other women & I'm nothing but a statue to make other women think he's something bc I'm not bad to look at they think there's more than his looks that aren't that easy on eyes sadly I was looking at heart & personality but I see that he puts that on for all the not bad looking gals but he's abused me mentally but cheated & physically I won't even go there.
I’m beginning to think INFJ are made, not born.
Omg! He does this all the time.
You love to fight. I can set my clock by your desire to fight! You f n love it!