@@TheHolisticPsychologist Is passive aggressiveness only for not being able to be direct with your feelings or is pa about not being direct in anything at all? 😮
@@r011ing_thunder6assive aggressiveness is indirectly expressing "negative" feelings instead of addressing them directly. It may help to understand it in the context of other ways of reacting to "negative" feelings. Passive: You don't behave according to said feelings, you "hide" them. Aggressive: You uncontrollably behave according to said feelings, often producing harm unintentionally. Assertive: You express the feelings and act accordingly, but in a controlled manner. In this frame of reference, passive aggressive is someone who refuses to address the feelings openly (passive) but has uncontrollable, indirect expressions of them (aggresive). Hope it helps.
I learned that "Fine" really meant Frightened-Insecure-Nervous and Enraged. What took me time to do was trust myself and have the emotional verbal skills to advocate for myself.
And having an open source to talk to without judgements makes that so much easier... like I said in a prior comment, no need to make it so extra, simply say " just know that I'm here if you need to talk and I love you" simple... direct.... open.... and especially not passive aggressive
I’ve learned that people who are passive aggressive may not even realize that they are in fact not being direct or repressing there feelings. Modeling direct communication and assertiveness helps to provide to them how to engage. It’s up to them to decide to do the work to learn how to engage in a healthy way. I love the examples! Thank you for the visuals. Great work!
This is such a good point. My husband is a prime example of this-- his mother is the queen of passive aggression, and he never had anything else modeled for him. He didn't even know what passive aggressive meant before i explained it to him (while I was pissed because he was being passive aggressive lmao). After a few talks, he saw the problem and started making efforts to change. Someone having an issue that they're actively working on is fine, most people can extend a lot of grace to someone who is trying; it's the people who decide to make it everyone else's problem that you have to walk away from. Communication is about risk vs reward, and I'm not going to waste my time with emotionally lazy people.
My sister in law is the most passive aggressive person I've ever met, but constantly talks about how she's "not afraid to call people out or speak her mind". Reading this comment made me realize that in her mind she thinks being passive aggressive IS direct communication and being upfront. This was honestly eye opening. I've never understand how she could always brag about being okay with communication, and confrontation, but so opposite from that. It also makes sense now why she gets so angry when I can't figure out what she's being passive aggressive about, because to her it feels like I should know exactly why she's mad.
I think I've been doing that a lot. I didn't really think I was being passive aggressive, but I knew I wasn't sharing everything I was feeling. To me, it's really hard to get those words out, and then when you do, you end up feeling really stupid and hating yourself more. I think that's why I try to keep it inside, but then it turns into passive aggressive behavior. I don't want that, but I also don't want to feel what I'm feeling. I also just really wish I could trust myself enough to let it out and not turn to passive aggressiveness.
I just did that (called her out on it and asked what was the problem) to a friend who has been passive aggressive and dropping hints she was annoyed at me for quite a while. All I got was gaslighting back. That’s all you’ll generally get back from most passive aggressive communicators I think. That’s the whole point of them being passive aggressive. They want to attack you and express anger but get away with it by claiming they aren’t.
There's a huge difference between a passive-agressive person that doesn't know/has trouble with expressing feelings and a manipulative bitch that is passive-aggressive consciously and deliberately. This video was more of an advice for the first type. So sorry your friend acts like that. IF the relationship is worth it to you, my best guess is to find her in a good mood and, in the most compassionate way possible, ask her why she feels the need to do so. Is she worried you'll leave if she expresses openly? Is she worried you'll retaliate? Is she just uncomfortable with her own anger? Is she just trying to coerce you into compliance because she doesn't care about your feelings and opinions? Very difficult, very tricky, MAY not be worth it. Good luck.
@@guillermorelobalopez7553that’s true. I mostly use this approach as a litmus test to see whether the passive aggressive person just needs encouragement to share their feelings or is just set in their ways
I had to drop a friend like this. I tried to get through to her for over 6 years. I was tired of dealing with the blowback and pretending the friendship was fine when clearly it was not. I don't think I ever found out why. It was painful but worth my sanity.
I picked up the phrase "I don't respond to subtext." I had to have this convo with my Mom. If you tell me you are okay, but act like you aren't, I am going to believe what you tell me over anything else. If you want me to acknowledge something else, then tell me whatever it is. Without that, I'm not catering to your subtext. Edit: this is different than ignoring them, as other people are suggesting. That's not the same thing. People don't need to be punished for doing something you might find irritating... their feelings matter, too, even if they are being express indirectly in a way that annoys or rattles you. Just tell them outright "I see what you are doing and I cannot abide, so I won't. You are safe to tell me the real problem, and if you don't want to, that is your choice. Alternatively, it is my choice not to submit articles into a dynamic I disagree with." Simple as that. If they can't or won't learn the skills to be direct, rethink the depth of your involvement with them. Easy peasy
Do you follow this same logic in everything else like when people show you who they are believe them or do you just hang on to their words that you matter or they love you?
Makes me feel seen and validated as the direct communicator. Getting gaslit and passive aggressive communication at the same time has eroded my internal validation. Hurray for stay at home parenting in a new city with no support system 🎉
Unfortunately telling them this wont make them change. My husband is this way and after years of talking to him about it, i finally put my foot down and ignored him when he started the passive aggressiveness. Guess what happened? He gradually stopped it after he saw that it doesn't irk me anymore.
This right here!! Let me also say that I tell people, if we don’t talk about it before a certain time like before I go to sleep then it’s a dead issue to me and I’m moving on. Don’t keep bringing it up to me because if it was really important you would have said something then. I get if you wanna wait 24 hours to discuss something and get your words correct but say that so I can understand that this is something that is going to take time for you. I am not accepting 5 year old behavior.
So you figured out that, if you want someone to move, slowly pushing them with the tip of a knive makes them move faster. If that's what you had to do because you were out of options, then that's what you had to do, but I don't think you should be recommending it to people.
@TomikaKelly because marriages aren't a regular relationship, you made a commitment, til death do us part. You chose that person, it means sticking through tough times, even things you "don't like" about the other person.
@@saltandsriracha "Tough times" are external and/or uncontrollable challenges, NOT one of the marriage partners deliberately choosing to be blatantly passive aggressive. If marriage is supposed to not be a "regular relationship" then why is her husband CHOOSING to behave in a way that offers NO benefit yet brings his wife I'll feelings?
For me personally, I have learned to allow this person to sulk or pout as long as they wish, and absolve myself of the responsibility to MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER for them.
I have lived this - and this exact scenario and reaction usually led to the silent treatment. Which especially in the beginning was extremely painful for me as it felt like I was being abandoned and rejected. I would not know why. It would take days or weeks of being punished in this cruel way before there would finally be a giant screaming yelling fight that would finally bring whatever it was to light. I was never guilty is the thing - I was never actually being blamed or mad at for something that they had any right to be mad at me about - like for example being angry like that about my past relationship history, from decades ago, or any other number of crazy and ridiculous accusations that were very shame and suspicion based. And that was the only acceptable response they were looking for, my shame and admission of shame. Then after I would either convince them of me innocence or they would 'be able to forgive my previous relationship history, like legit so messed up, being angry at me for reason that I had been SA. Or that I had a journal from when I was a teenager that talked about other guys. Talk about a mind bender. This video is pretty triggering for me :( I just want others to know if you are experiencing the worst end of this kind of person - amnesia is a part of what keeps this toxic cycle going. Journal and start keeping track in any way that is secret and safe for you. For be it was on my phone and a simple app that all i had to do was assign a color to the type of day it was, and I could start to see just how often we were spending in good days versus bad days. I think it was called pixels. It was fast and easy and super helpful. Love to everyone and wishing you all healing and love!
When my bf does this I just say clearly u are not so just tell me whats wrong. Then if he doesnt I drop it and pretend like everything is ok and give him some space. Once he calms down he usually apologizes and tells me what was wrong and we talk it out. If then it seems like I was in the wrong I apologize too.
Yes! Mine can be like that sometimes too. In my case, I think he does it because he's too overwhelmed to express himself in that moment. If I give him a way to calm down, he'll come back and tell me properly what's bothering him and drop the act.
Hi, I really like your content, it gives me a lot of insight into some things that I have in my family/marriage. This roleplay is close to me because I have a lot of passive/agressive behavior in my surroundings, basically it is the way I was raised, we never adressed emotions because it was impolite to be loud or angry etc… so me and my siblings grew up with forms of passive agressive behavior, and for a long time I thought that it is a normal behavior. But here in the video, we only see one side of the communication, so if a person calls someone on their passive agressive behavior, in my experience that person doesn’t admit it or usually has a tantrum. In order to have a constructive confrontation I think that people with p/a behaviour need to work through that over time and maybe counceling, it’s not that easy to change.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I love how she said “I want a relationship where we can tell each other what we want and need directly!!! “ YEs. This is a boundary and the consequence is relationship is over! Or at least someone becomes willing to do the work into why they have a hard time being direct. It’s ok to say what I want and need in relationships.
@@r011ing_thunder6 I'm sorry you've experienced emotional blackmail like this. It can be hard when you've been burned before to diffentiate between genuine concern of an issue and emotional blackmail, but there is definitely a difference. How is a SO to express to you that, for them, this issue could be a deal breaker if it doesn't change? If you're lucky enough, your SO will be able to deal with it and give you two some time to figure things out, but they must clearly state that they're doing so. Otherwise, people would just up and quit relationship without ever giving them a chance to grow and develop.
The problem is that when we do speak our minds, the other person isn't open to talking about it & can't deal. They put you down and invalidate your feelings. So, we develop a passive-aggressive relationship over time.
This is one reason why I'm extremely hyper vigilant. I have to fight that hyper vigilant response daily. My mom did this a lot which is why I still struggle to believe anyone when they say they're ok. Sadly, I always assume they're lying because that's what I was trained to learn in my younger years.
It happens with my husband. My mom would give me the silent treatment after beating me and would blatantly ignore me. So when my husband is quiet, just cause he's quiet, sometimes I'll get on edge and feel like he's super mad at me. But I walk by him, give him a kiss on his shoulder or on the top of his head, and most of the time he'll return the sweet gesture, letting me know I'm just reacting to my past.
Good one! Seems like a better option than just “okay”. Sometimes you don’t want to pry the answer out. Gets really old. But can come across to other person as uncaring. Their problem yes, but tricky to be around. Hard not to let it effect your day. If I’m ever like this, I like hearing okay, I’ll be here if/when you need, take your time. Usually takes about 5 mins of trying to convince myself it’ll be okay to talk but also recognizing if I’ll be in a place where my emotion would outweigh my ability to keep a respectful tone or not. Sometimes I wait it out until I know I won’t say anything stupid. And the patience from the other person is incredible, and try to express that. Thanks for sharing again ❤
Now that's a very good tip. Express empathy and compassion, but let expectations and boundaries for the conversation clear. Let me be a little more explicit. When you say "I'll be there when you're ready to talk about it." means, at the same time, that: -If you're going to act like this, I can't/won't be here for you. -I care about you, so much so that I know I will want to be there for you whenever you're willing/able to communicate the way we both need.
Realizing that I can come off as passive aggressive, because I gaslight myself into not having a problem with things outside of myself apparently it’s my fav form of spiritual bypassing
Don't you just love it when you're super pissed over something and gaslight yourself that "It's no big deal, we shouldn't be so pissed about it, it's just a dumb thing" when it's something really friggin valid?! Read with sarcasm
This was me and my ex for 3 years. I had to pull out why he’s upset, yet he would demand that I share every detail of my emotions - positive or negative. Great times.
Mine has this habit as well. It seems to come from masking behavior as well as basic manipulation. Wanting to know all about you so they know how to press your buttons or avoid them I guess.
I love this direct communication but I’m scared to use it because passive aggression like this usually leads to me getting blasted/belittled/shamed. Would love to see more of what happens afterwards and how to keep that healthy boundary in place in the face those things I listed above.
@@ambermoon719 It is permanent…it’s my Mom and I’m her primary caregiver. 😅 She gets this way sometimes because she was never taught how to communicate in a healthy way. But my mental health is a hyper focus for me which is why I’m learning to put healthy boundaries in place. 😄
@@ambermoon719 It is permanent…it’s my Mom and I’m her primary caregiver. 😅 She gets this way sometimes because she was never taught how to communicate in a healthy way. But my mental health is a hyper focus for me which is why I’m learning to put healthy boundaries in place. 😄
This was EXTREMELY helpful. I have struggled for 20+ years with communicating with my father. Whenever I try to tell him how he makes me feel, he looks at me and says, “Just stop. Why do you always have to go so deep?!” It triggers me into anger because I try so hard to have a real connection with him. And he always shuts me down in the meanest ways. My mother has to intervene and tell us BOTH to stop arguing. Just thank you. I’m going to try and approach him like this and see what happens. I’m hopeful but, as per usual, I’m sure he will find a way to belittle me and make me wanna cry.
I think this is the better way to approach this. Most often when partners react passive aggressively it’s because that’s just how they’ve been raised to react. It doesn’t make them an awful person as long as they are open to doing better
This is giving the Passive aggressive partner what they want. The silent treatment and huffing is intended to elicit a pursuit by the partner. They are attempting to get you to react, this rewards the behavior. You can do this, but expect the behavior to continue. Better is to ignore the passive aggressive behavior and take what they say at face value. When they respect you enough to communicate like a mature adult, THEN you can address issues.
You do great. This is How youre Son can learn express his feelings and get in contact with his emotions. But sometimes, parents are also annoying and then let him. ;) He also need to learn to get his space respected. I think a good Balance of that is helpful. But in a nuthell, i like what you do. And sorry, when i gave you an un- questioned advice. Than tell me :) Dialogue is the way to figure out boundaries :) bless*
I feel grateful because I stumbled upon your channel. I'd been neglected emotionally from my childhood, ashamed, guilt trip, and what not. To make it worse, my spouse treats me to this kind of emotional abuse, silent treatment, very bad communication, 'you-do-you' treatment, and these really affect me terribly badly. And now, I'm kind of treating the same way to my child, and really upset for myself because i cannot be a good parent. I really failed them.
you are not a failure. 🙏 you didn't fail. if your childhood was the way you described it, it is no surprise that you would expectedly choose a partner who would treat you the same. It is not your fault. Never has been. I'm so sorry for the type of childhood you had. your caregivers failed you.. they programmed you to not know what you deserve, feel loved or feel capable.. and these are things you will continue to repeat until something changes. YOU. Fortunately, you survived all of the things you've been through and you are now an adult, capable of taking responsibility for your own self, for your inner child and for your child. You are no longer that powerless child they treated so poorly, you are now powerful. You may not feel like it yet, but you are. 👌 and will start to feel like it as your healing progresses. As you begin to love yourself, you automatically begin to treat your baby with the love you have for him/her in your heart because you'd then know how to. You are worthy and lovable. You are enough and capable, Fatimah. You can change the course of your life and that of your child. Learn about reparenting, trauma bonding, healing the inner child, types/forms of abuse and what to do when being abused, how to reprogram the mind... these are good places to start. You deserve a better life, Fatimah. So go for it cuz you can do it! 💪❤❤
This is another great video example. I have this problem in my relationship dynamic. I have C-PTSD as does my partner. He also suffers from ADHD and mild autism so gets overwhelmed for reasons he doesn't understand or isn't aware of. We go through silence and tension often. He is also quite codependent. I am too but it's more people pleasing than anything else. So we struggle. We also remind ourselves that our goal is to repair after a rupture and that we understand and learn to tolerate some of the random triggering that happens and let it go. We take time to let the other person re-regulate. We are working on ourselves and trust it to work out over the long run.We also know that despite needing to be better in relationship that we are good people with problems. I'm not giving up because I have someone who understands what I've been through and it's unlikely that a more balanced person would be able to be with me and continue to understand so they wouldn't be with me for long. I'll stick with my damaged partner for as long as we are both willing to keep trying to change and get better.
Well whats the situation? Are they a couple? If my partner just outright tell me that, then they aren’t anymore coz there’s no point in dealing with someone who doesn’t like me.
I think this approach only works with honest people with dishonest ppl it's good to mimic back their behavior to them or ignore them. Never dive in long explanations, if someone is dishonest their not worthy of you being vulnerable.
Oof. This very illustrative, but there should be TWO separate conversations. One where you try to address compassionately whatever the heck is wrong right now, or just sit with them and express compassion and empathy if they're unable to express what's bothering them. THEN, when they're not in a crisis, you should address how the inability to communicate makes you feel, how it's a burden on you and you want them to change if able, and to recognize they're unable if they are so you can decide how/if you want to move forward. I understand of that's too much to ask, of course you have needs as well and nobody's perfect, but we should aim for the best so we can give our best.
I directly communicated with my passive aggressive friend exactly like this. She responded by telling me we weren't friends anymore, and she hated me because I was too demanding. It was only after she was gone that I realized I was being emotionally abused.
What about you saying what's going on and them you can get a slap or a punishment to use what's triggering you and use against you to keep you mad. Does say what you don't like ii will be considered or respected if the person you're dealing with don't value your feelings and opinions? 🤔
@@aylex1974 Oh, that's exactly what happened actually. She proceeded to lie to all my friends that I'd been mean to her so that everyone would abandon me with her. My best friend of 6 years had just admitted she never actually liked me, and took everyone else away with her. When I inevitably, and VERY REASONABLY, had a massive panic attack and mental breakdown, she told everyone that my distress was the proof I was a bad person. I had an entire chat log's worth of damning evidence that she lied, and so SO many journals, but only one person out of them all bothered to ask for my perspective. I'm dead serious.
I feel i do this because i find it too draining to express how i feel and dont want to bother my partner. In the past ive been betlittled, mocked and shamed for for expressing my emotions and needs. The reaction to the expression of my feelings is too overwhelming to handle emotionally, and i prefer to keep peace. When i say im fine when im not im trying to deal with painful thoughts and feelings myself in hopes that they will pass- despite this the feelings still show on my face. Theres such a thin line to me of abuse- ive seen so many instances of people sharing how they feel to their partner that are more negative feelings and insecurities and then theyre labeled as abusive and crazy-- sometimes i dont think my thoughts and feelings are productive so i choose not to share in efforts to be a good partner, but i know it hurts my partner not to share. I opt to say 'im struggling with my thoughts' or 'im not feeling well today' instead. I dont know how to feel comfortable sharing otherwise when there is a threat of a fight or being shamed.
So educational in such a short time span. I really feel this. And also feel like being invalidated really fuels me being passive aggressive… it’s an ongoing cycle.
This is almost the exact same way my estranged sister started acting when we hang out after 2 years. Just when I started telling her about something. (Barely scratched the surface too) after listening to her talk about herself all day. It was crazy. Exact same body language and shitty grunts of annoyance. I was baffled. I said something like you don’t seem very receptive to what I’m saying.
Know that by being passive aggressive you are assuring that your needs won't be met and youre making it more difficult for others to do so in the future. I didn't learn about PA and how damaging it is for ALL parties until I started looking into codependency. Once I fully understood the mechanisms, how I was dishonoring myself and setting up others for failure, I was able to drop it. My family of origin never really modeled the healthy alternative, so that was something I had to learn.
Ahh, Invalidating Feelings, this is a really good one. They did make a video where someone was being called "too sensitive" and they gave a healthy response.
I love these shorts so much. Very informative but strangely humorous at the same time. Idk maybe it’s one of those “it’s funny cuz it’s true” things. You two should try sketch comedy if you ever get bored 😅
I live & breathe your videos!! 😊😊THANK YOU SO MUCH !!! 😊😊 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 i wish i could magically meet you , thank you in person. For showing functional communication tactics. 🎉🎉🎉🎉
My aunt is like this. She'll slam doors, grunt in annoyance when she sees you. And when you ask "what's wrong?" She yells "NOTHING! I'M FINE!" To which I always said "You're not fine, you're pouting, slamming doors and throwing things. A person that is fine doesn't do those tantrums. What's wrong?" 98% of the time it was that I took more than 5 seconds to answer, because according to her "You're supposed to answer, not think" I guess that's why she always spewed bs, cause she only spoke, and didn't think
This looks like classic feelings of resentment towards an event. Passive aggression is usually used by men as avoidance to problem because what ever they say to explain what they feel will either be turned back onto them or used in future situations. Read “No more Mr nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. It goes into depth on how men subconsciously develop ‘covert contracts’ e.g. They perform a task expecting an outcome of gratitude or reward. When that emotional need is not for filled it leads resentment and passive aggression. I know I was such a man for a long time , I had to hit rock bottom before accepting the fact I was a people pleaser in order to try and fill my emotional needs, wants and usefulness. Life got a whole lot better when I woke up and stopped trying to please others expecting something in return.
5-6 yrs ago my only moods were passive,, passive aggressive or aggressive. Nowadays i fluctuate between passive & assertive or semi assertive. Never aggressive anym but i do smt lose it in very stressful situation & i raise a bit the voice, get angry but zero agressivity. Been working for the past 6 yrs on myself alone. Therapy failed many yrs ago, i would mayb give it a try again but ain't got the finances now. I had many yrs of therapy in my 30s with zero results. After 6 yrs of working on myself i healed many stuff including visible results in Borderline & OCD which were extreme in me. I also worked as a coach to help pple heal & teach them Mindfullness & Kundalini stuff.
True, there are many reasons for grumpy feels and they're okay to feel. However, if the person can't or won't communicate directly about what's going on for them when asked and it's a pattern rather than a one time thing, it can definitely be/become a relationship problem.
@@rainbowconnected Personally I don’t see a reason to share if it’s not relevant for the other person, nor is anyone entitled to knowing someones every thought. If you’re mad at your SO obvs communicate, but if it’s just a headache a “I’m fine.” Is enough
Problem is some people constantly feel negative emotions and rather avoid people than drag them dow with our negativity. Nobody wants to be around negative people.
I’d love a video talking about how a parent who acted like this affects a child. Still trying to understand how my moms passive aggression affects my marriage today if that makes sense. I get so nervous about certain things.
A lot of adults have undiagnosed autism, and likely aren’t aware, in these cases they aren’t always aware of their feelings in the moment. Worth bearing in mind
Agreed. Some people are just preoccupied and aren’t trying to get attention at all and genuinely just want a bit of room to hear their own thoughts. Even if they are troubled about something, they might just need to process it themselves before finding the words to share it with others (if they ever do). I believe that some people really are passive-aggressive… but that certainly doesn’t apply to everybody who sighs, looks up to the side and folds their arms… And if they respond to questions with irritation, it might just be because they’re in the middle of figuring something out in their head and don’t want to be interrupted by folk who refuse to believe them.
But the example in the video is someone who is expecting the other to read a subtext into what they are saying with words by use of body language which displays the opposite of their words. In the vast majority of cases, an Autistic person would be direct and say what they mean and mean what they say, there would not be a contradictory subtext the other person was expected to read into it. Likewise, it would work the other way too, and the Autistic person would not always pick up or know how to respond to someone else’s inferred subtext.
I think this and direct communication Behavior comes from a lot of us learning in our childhoods that it's unsafe to express ourselves directly and the safest way to express ourselves ever while growing up was indirectly.
Grandparents did this. Though they did it a bit differently. Instead of talking to me about an incident that occurred where I upset them greatly they decided to not voice to me their feelings and let resentment and distrust grow towards me. I grew up in a family for my whole life till 16 where no one communicated their feelings and just kept it bottled up. I also grew up severely emotionally stunted. No one ever was there for me to explain to me and help me understand what emotions I was feeling. For example, I was very jealous of my two first cousins because they got to grow up a semi normal life and be able to be with my biological grandparents while my dad made sure I never knew they existed. At the time I thought it was anger I was feeling and it confused me greatly because I couldn't understand why I would feel angry towards my cousins as they had done nothing to me for me to feel angry. It wasn't till I learned about jealousy and it was like a lightbulb moment. I hadn't a clue the anger I was feeling was actually jealousy. Parents please please be there for your kids and give them emotional support. If mine had done that i wouldn't be struggling now to understand what I feel and how others feel and what is appropriate and not.
I got this from my mother after some kind of disagreement or something I did annoyed her, but also there is a point where she “reset to default” (my name for it) as if nothing happened at all. It wasn’t until my 20s I realised she did this and it was a pattern, and she still doesn’t now. I didn’t understand it for so long that it often felt like walking on eggshells. There’s other stuff but this really reminded me of it
Wow! As a chronically depressed person, I really hate the question, “are you okay?” I wanna respond with, “no im not ok, isn’t it obvious?” And I have felt that way my whole life but never had the words for it. I don’t understand why people even ask that question, especially when it’s obvious that I’m not ok.
Omg I havent had any training and after alot of life lessons/healing... I started to do this when faced with this situation instinctively ... like idk how I came to the conclusion but I guess when you start being able to handle your own shit it becomes easier to deal with things with others!!
Yup, this is my borderline personality disorder autistic daughter. Everyday is an experience and I'm trying to let her manage her life as she is 18 and technically an adult, but really she has a maturity level and emotional level of 12. She's smart, so she's good at manipulating, gas lighting, sabbotaging and avoiding issues. Now in college me and her father have to let her fail to learn. If i had a dime for everytime we had these discussions we wouldnt need to take out college loans.
Sadly, in my case, when I do try to share things with my partner, they're not very open to listening or making things better. So I become more closed off and quiet when I'm upset :( I guess it really depends on the dynamic of the relationship. Having to shut down and close off is never a good thing long term.
This is so my ex and me. It's validating to hear that it truly is exhausting being with someone that can't communicate directly and say what they need even when you hold space for them.
It’s sad though because I know my partner does this because he’s always been taught to be quiet and be ashamed of how he feels so he feels like he’s walking on eggshells , but the hard part is I’m not the one putting the eggshells down
Sometimes I shut down or disassociate when I’m overwhelmed and I’m always so worried that people will think I’m being passive aggressive when I’m really just trapped inside my body 😢
I'm going to remember this whole script in the heat of the moment. Can you make quick comebacks that shut down hurtful, passive aggressive comments in their tracks?
"When you can communicate clearly, like a mature adult, I'll gladly listen. But since you're being passive aggressive, I'm gonna give you your space, because I don't need this negativity in my life." And walk away Let em scream, let em throw tantrums. Pretend to be deaf. It's hard sometimes, but it's doable. Also, have a source of emotional support.
My ex said the exact same thing verbatim to me when he could sense something was off. I wasn’t trying to be passive aggressive, it’s just hard to hide my negative emotions and it’s been conditioned into me. But then when I’d be open and tell him what’s wrong, he would get defensive, attack and shame me for even being honest about what was wrong… make it all about himself. Feels to me like he read the “rules” of how to communicate directly somewhere (or was copying it from an ex) but he didn’t know how to actually do the work of reciprocal and receptive communication
I'm the direct person, but I do this and usually evoke an ANGERED defensive response. Thus, after a while, I learn to STOP trying to address the problems. When I recognize the other person isn't able to articulate their feelings, be direct, tell me their needs/expectations, or allow ME to express my vulnerabilities without it being met with frustration... it's almost like a brick wall getting in the way of intimacy... and most people think WITHHOLDING their feelings is "healthy" and see my inquiring as "toxic" or "manipulative"... so they leave me no real solution, since i can not make someone address something they aren't able or willing to address.
That doesn't work though. Especially if they've already determined what you're gonna say. I had a friend like that. They are much more comfortable making you feel bad than talking about it. When they do tell you the problem, they dont give you a chance to say anything. They've already got you "figured out" and don't want any other input but their own.
I have a friend like this. Or really, she’s more of an acquaintance. Being passive aggressive is an indirect way of controlling someone, usually because of low self esteem. I remember she’s told me things like, Don’t worry. And like this video shows, completely ignores my offer to always be there for her
I’ve been thinking he ladder happy to report growth There is much more reward in communicating once you understand what’s happening to be able to communicate
This reenactment is portrayed while associating passive aggressive behavior with men instead of addressing passive agressive behavior while simultaneously addressing it in anyone wether it's be men women children spouses friends OR family.... That being said I'm this specific portrayal men will say they're ok while possessing a semblance of frustration cause they're the ones who's emotions and concerns are being dismissed and overwritten.... and when people tell them "you know communication is important" and we need to talk about A or B they're only setting them up for more excuses and more invalidation which is for MORE dismissal and invalidation with a speech on everything they do wrong cause the issues are often built to revolve around the stigma that they're the toxic ones and the reason for a lot of the problems so everyone else can continue being the abusive ones without any fault or responsibility....(and usually the abusers in these unaccountable situations are family but MOST frequently they're wives) That's ACTUALLY how passive agressive abuse works.... and the worst part is that the therapy system we have today is constructed to feed that toxicity....
Yup. I was lucky to grow up in a household that taught direct communication. Even from a young age I heard phrases like “use your words.” “I don’t know what you need if you don’t tell me” “we aren’t mind readers”. So threw me for a bit of a curveball when I met people who did not handle conflict the same way. And yeah sometimes my direct communication approach made me some enemies. But at least it helped me weed out people who drained my energy.
@@alyssapinon9670 Same. We also had something said to us if we shook our heads instead of talking My parents would say “ I can’t hear your head rattle “.😂
The woman trying to pull out info is actually annoying. If I was the other one, I'd get up and leave; because if she was having a bad day, there might be tears. She should have said, "okay." (...Sam I am. I do not like that Sam I am.) It is okay to be pensive and even angry sometimes. Life is not always a bowl of cherries. I would give her all the space and time she needs to sort it out and leave my door open just in case she wanted to drop in. 🙂
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I find the role play educational! Thank you!
I'm so glad JanJan, thanks for tuning in
@@TheHolisticPsychologist Is passive aggressiveness only for not being able to be direct with your feelings or is pa about not being direct in anything at all? 😮
@@r011ing_thunder6assive aggressiveness is indirectly expressing "negative" feelings instead of addressing them directly.
It may help to understand it in the context of other ways of reacting to "negative" feelings.
Passive: You don't behave according to said feelings, you "hide" them.
Aggressive: You uncontrollably behave according to said feelings, often producing harm unintentionally.
Assertive: You express the feelings and act accordingly, but in a controlled manner.
In this frame of reference, passive aggressive is someone who refuses to address the feelings openly (passive) but has uncontrollable, indirect expressions of them (aggresive).
Hope it helps.
💯💯💯
It is like a role model for relationship
I learned that "Fine" really meant Frightened-Insecure-Nervous and Enraged. What took me time to do was trust myself and have the emotional verbal skills to advocate for myself.
Yes thank you
And having an open source to talk to without judgements makes that so much easier... like I said in a prior comment, no need to make it so extra, simply say " just know that I'm here if you need to talk and I love you" simple... direct.... open.... and especially not passive aggressive
This is so good!! That acronym is spot on!
The “Fine” acronym from the 90’s:
F’d up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional
🤷🏻♀️
Fine "really" means fantastic-accepting-nice and eager. So dumb.
I’ve learned that people who are passive aggressive may not even realize that they are in fact not being direct or repressing there feelings. Modeling direct communication and assertiveness helps to provide to them how to engage.
It’s up to them to decide to do the work to learn how to engage in a healthy way. I love the examples! Thank you for the visuals. Great work!
This is such a good point. My husband is a prime example of this-- his mother is the queen of passive aggression, and he never had anything else modeled for him. He didn't even know what passive aggressive meant before i explained it to him (while I was pissed because he was being passive aggressive lmao). After a few talks, he saw the problem and started making efforts to change. Someone having an issue that they're actively working on is fine, most people can extend a lot of grace to someone who is trying; it's the people who decide to make it everyone else's problem that you have to walk away from. Communication is about risk vs reward, and I'm not going to waste my time with emotionally lazy people.
Wow! You're right, some people lack the language to communicate their needs.
My sister in law is the most passive aggressive person I've ever met, but constantly talks about how she's "not afraid to call people out or speak her mind". Reading this comment made me realize that in her mind she thinks being passive aggressive IS direct communication and being upfront. This was honestly eye opening. I've never understand how she could always brag about being okay with communication, and confrontation, but so opposite from that. It also makes sense now why she gets so angry when I can't figure out what she's being passive aggressive about, because to her it feels like I should know exactly why she's mad.
I think I've been doing that a lot. I didn't really think I was being passive aggressive, but I knew I wasn't sharing everything I was feeling. To me, it's really hard to get those words out, and then when you do, you end up feeling really stupid and hating yourself more. I think that's why I try to keep it inside, but then it turns into passive aggressive behavior. I don't want that, but I also don't want to feel what I'm feeling. I also just really wish I could trust myself enough to let it out and not turn to passive aggressiveness.
I just did that (called her out on it and asked what was the problem) to a friend who has been passive aggressive and dropping hints she was annoyed at me for quite a while. All I got was gaslighting back. That’s all you’ll generally get back from most passive aggressive communicators I think. That’s the whole point of them being passive aggressive. They want to attack you and express anger but get away with it by claiming they aren’t.
There's a huge difference between a passive-agressive person that doesn't know/has trouble with expressing feelings and a manipulative bitch that is passive-aggressive consciously and deliberately. This video was more of an advice for the first type.
So sorry your friend acts like that. IF the relationship is worth it to you, my best guess is to find her in a good mood and, in the most compassionate way possible, ask her why she feels the need to do so. Is she worried you'll leave if she expresses openly? Is she worried you'll retaliate? Is she just uncomfortable with her own anger? Is she just trying to coerce you into compliance because she doesn't care about your feelings and opinions?
Very difficult, very tricky, MAY not be worth it. Good luck.
@@guillermorelobalopez7553that’s true. I mostly use this approach as a litmus test to see whether the passive aggressive person just needs encouragement to share their feelings or is just set in their ways
I had to drop a friend like this. I tried to get through to her for over 6 years. I was tired of dealing with the blowback and pretending the friendship was fine when clearly it was not. I don't think I ever found out why. It was painful but worth my sanity.
people like that are not worth the effort. life is too short!
@@Lauren-vd4qe100%...Life is too short...fill it with people who are builders not wreckers
I picked up the phrase "I don't respond to subtext." I had to have this convo with my Mom. If you tell me you are okay, but act like you aren't, I am going to believe what you tell me over anything else. If you want me to acknowledge something else, then tell me whatever it is. Without that, I'm not catering to your subtext. Edit: this is different than ignoring them, as other people are suggesting. That's not the same thing. People don't need to be punished for doing something you might find irritating... their feelings matter, too, even if they are being express indirectly in a way that annoys or rattles you. Just tell them outright "I see what you are doing and I cannot abide, so I won't. You are safe to tell me the real problem, and if you don't want to, that is your choice. Alternatively, it is my choice not to submit articles into a dynamic I disagree with." Simple as that. If they can't or won't learn the skills to be direct, rethink the depth of your involvement with them. Easy peasy
I love this
Do you follow this same logic in everything else like when people show you who they are believe them or do you just hang on to their words that you matter or they love you?
Man, I LOVE these example conversations ❤
So glad you're finding them helpful thejillykilly, thanks for tuning in
Makes me feel seen and validated as the direct communicator. Getting gaslit and passive aggressive communication at the same time has eroded my internal validation. Hurray for stay at home parenting in a new city with no support system 🎉
Keep these coming. Years of therapy in one minute.
Just need healthy responses displayed😊🎁
I thought the 'this what I've learned' bit was?
Unfortunately telling them this wont make them change. My husband is this way and after years of talking to him about it, i finally put my foot down and ignored him when he started the passive aggressiveness. Guess what happened? He gradually stopped it after he saw that it doesn't irk me anymore.
This right here!! Let me also say that I tell people, if we don’t talk about it before a certain time like before I go to sleep then it’s a dead issue to me and I’m moving on. Don’t keep bringing it up to me because if it was really important you would have said something then. I get if you wanna wait 24 hours to discuss something and get your words correct but say that so I can understand that this is something that is going to take time for you.
I am not accepting 5 year old behavior.
So you figured out that, if you want someone to move, slowly pushing them with the tip of a knive makes them move faster.
If that's what you had to do because you were out of options, then that's what you had to do, but I don't think you should be recommending it to people.
Why did you put your foot down and divorce him if this is how he chooses to behave?
@TomikaKelly because marriages aren't a regular relationship, you made a commitment, til death do us part. You chose that person, it means sticking through tough times, even things you "don't like" about the other person.
@@saltandsriracha "Tough times" are external and/or uncontrollable challenges, NOT one of the marriage partners deliberately choosing to be blatantly passive aggressive.
If marriage is supposed to not be a "regular relationship" then why is her husband CHOOSING to behave in a way that offers NO benefit yet brings his wife I'll feelings?
For me personally, I have learned to allow this person to sulk or pout as long as they wish, and absolve myself of the responsibility to MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER for them.
To these people I'd say, "You don't wanna tell me what's wrong? Okay, then sulk all you want, I'll be over here doing my stuff" and let them be.😊
I have lived this - and this exact scenario and reaction usually led to the silent treatment. Which especially in the beginning was extremely painful for me as it felt like I was being abandoned and rejected. I would not know why. It would take days or weeks of being punished in this cruel way before there would finally be a giant screaming yelling fight that would finally bring whatever it was to light. I was never guilty is the thing - I was never actually being blamed or mad at for something that they had any right to be mad at me about - like for example being angry like that about my past relationship history, from decades ago, or any other number of crazy and ridiculous accusations that were very shame and suspicion based. And that was the only acceptable response they were looking for, my shame and admission of shame. Then after I would either convince them of me innocence or they would 'be able to forgive my previous relationship history, like legit so messed up, being angry at me for reason that I had been SA. Or that I had a journal from when I was a teenager that talked about other guys. Talk about a mind bender. This video is pretty triggering for me :( I just want others to know if you are experiencing the worst end of this kind of person - amnesia is a part of what keeps this toxic cycle going. Journal and start keeping track in any way that is secret and safe for you. For be it was on my phone and a simple app that all i had to do was assign a color to the type of day it was, and I could start to see just how often we were spending in good days versus bad days. I think it was called pixels. It was fast and easy and super helpful. Love to everyone and wishing you all healing and love!
When my bf does this I just say clearly u are not so just tell me whats wrong. Then if he doesnt I drop it and pretend like everything is ok and give him some space. Once he calms down he usually apologizes and tells me what was wrong and we talk it out. If then it seems like I was in the wrong I apologize too.
Yes! Mine can be like that sometimes too. In my case, I think he does it because he's too overwhelmed to express himself in that moment. If I give him a way to calm down, he'll come back and tell me properly what's bothering him and drop the act.
@@AmbiambiSinistrous But your not his mother girl! He should just be mature about it without you having. Initiate.
Bwahahaha. The eye rolls! Love your channel, your content & your role playing! Body language speaks volumes!
Hi, I really like your content, it gives me a lot of insight into some things that I have in my family/marriage. This roleplay is close to me because I have a lot of passive/agressive behavior in my surroundings, basically it is the way I was raised, we never adressed emotions because it was impolite to be loud or angry etc… so me and my siblings grew up with forms of passive agressive behavior, and for a long time I thought that it is a normal behavior. But here in the video, we only see one side of the communication, so if a person calls someone on their passive agressive behavior, in my experience that person doesn’t admit it or usually has a tantrum. In order to have a constructive confrontation I think that people with p/a behaviour need to work through that over time and maybe counceling, it’s not that easy to change.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I love how she said “I want a relationship where we can tell each other what we want and need directly!!! “ YEs. This is a boundary and the consequence is relationship is over!
Or at least someone becomes willing to do the work into why they have a hard time being direct.
It’s ok to say what I want and need in relationships.
It sure is ok to say what we want + need in relationships Absolve40-- something I continue to remind myself in my own!
It sounds like making threats. Hey do this or else I'll do THIS
@@r011ing_thunder6 I'm sorry you've experienced emotional blackmail like this. It can be hard when you've been burned before to diffentiate between genuine concern of an issue and emotional blackmail, but there is definitely a difference.
How is a SO to express to you that, for them, this issue could be a deal breaker if it doesn't change? If you're lucky enough, your SO will be able to deal with it and give you two some time to figure things out, but they must clearly state that they're doing so. Otherwise, people would just up and quit relationship without ever giving them a chance to grow and develop.
Sometimes u said u fine because when u do nothing seems to done about it.
The problem is that when we do speak our minds, the other person isn't open to talking about it & can't deal. They put you down and invalidate your feelings. So, we develop a passive-aggressive relationship over time.
This is one reason why I'm extremely hyper vigilant. I have to fight that hyper vigilant response daily. My mom did this a lot which is why I still struggle to believe anyone when they say they're ok. Sadly, I always assume they're lying because that's what I was trained to learn in my younger years.
It happens with my husband.
My mom would give me the silent treatment after beating me and would blatantly ignore me.
So when my husband is quiet, just cause he's quiet, sometimes I'll get on edge and feel like he's super mad at me.
But I walk by him, give him a kiss on his shoulder or on the top of his head, and most of the time he'll return the sweet gesture, letting me know I'm just reacting to my past.
Good one! Seems like a better option than just “okay”. Sometimes you don’t want to pry the answer out. Gets really old. But can come across to other person as uncaring. Their problem yes, but tricky to be around. Hard not to let it effect your day. If I’m ever like this, I like hearing okay, I’ll be here if/when you need, take your time. Usually takes about 5 mins of trying to convince myself it’ll be okay to talk but also recognizing if I’ll be in a place where my emotion would outweigh my ability to keep a respectful tone or not. Sometimes I wait it out until I know I won’t say anything stupid. And the patience from the other person is incredible, and try to express that. Thanks for sharing again ❤
Thank you for tuning in + sharing your own experiences Salvador
Now that's a very good tip. Express empathy and compassion, but let expectations and boundaries for the conversation clear.
Let me be a little more explicit. When you say "I'll be there when you're ready to talk about it." means, at the same time, that:
-If you're going to act like this, I can't/won't be here for you.
-I care about you, so much so that I know I will want to be there for you whenever you're willing/able to communicate the way we both need.
@@guillermorelobalopez7553 yes!
my ~5 minutes is much less now :) progress 😃
Realizing that I can come off as passive aggressive, because I gaslight myself into not having a problem with things outside of myself apparently it’s my fav form of spiritual bypassing
Don't you just love it when you're super pissed over something and gaslight yourself that "It's no big deal, we shouldn't be so pissed about it, it's just a dumb thing" when it's something really friggin valid?!
Read with sarcasm
This was me and my ex for 3 years. I had to pull out why he’s upset, yet he would demand that I share every detail of my emotions - positive or negative. Great times.
Mine has this habit as well. It seems to come from masking behavior as well as basic manipulation. Wanting to know all about you so they know how to press your buttons or avoid them I guess.
I love this direct communication but I’m scared to use it because passive aggression like this usually leads to me getting blasted/belittled/shamed. Would love to see more of what happens afterwards and how to keep that healthy boundary in place in the face those things I listed above.
I’m sorry about that Carrieskully 🩷 Hopefully this isn’t a permanent relationship. At that level, it’s a whole other level.
@@ambermoon719 It is permanent…it’s my Mom and I’m her primary caregiver. 😅 She gets this way sometimes because she was never taught how to communicate in a healthy way. But my mental health is a hyper focus for me which is why I’m learning to put healthy boundaries in place. 😄
@@ambermoon719 It is permanent…it’s my Mom and I’m her primary caregiver. 😅 She gets this way sometimes because she was never taught how to communicate in a healthy way. But my mental health is a hyper focus for me which is why I’m learning to put healthy boundaries in place. 😄
This was EXTREMELY helpful. I have struggled for 20+ years with communicating with my father. Whenever I try to tell him how he makes me feel, he looks at me and says, “Just stop. Why do you always have to go so deep?!” It triggers me into anger because I try so hard to have a real connection with him. And he always shuts me down in the meanest ways. My mother has to intervene and tell us BOTH to stop arguing. Just thank you. I’m going to try and approach him like this and see what happens. I’m hopeful but, as per usual, I’m sure he will find a way to belittle me and make me wanna cry.
I think this is the better way to approach this. Most often when partners react passive aggressively it’s because that’s just how they’ve been raised to react. It doesn’t make them an awful person as long as they are open to doing better
This is giving the Passive aggressive partner what they want. The silent treatment and huffing is intended to elicit a pursuit by the partner. They are attempting to get you to react, this rewards the behavior. You can do this, but expect the behavior to continue. Better is to ignore the passive aggressive behavior and take what they say at face value. When they respect you enough to communicate like a mature adult, THEN you can address issues.
Please keep on going with the role play content! It’s truly helpful ! Much appreciated 😊
How to turn passive aggressiveness into aggressiveness:
Might want to uncork that bottle with some physical activity first, then talk it out.
Yeah :(
Try journling to get the words out . Try exercise for the aggression, but your aim should be to get better with direct communication...
Don't give them the outcome they want out of this behavior. Give them the opposite and they'll lose their mind
This is helpful for all relationships. My son is 7 and does this to me. Great tips of what to say to help him know I will always listen!!
You do great. This is How youre Son can learn express his feelings and get in contact with his emotions. But sometimes, parents are also annoying and then let him. ;) He also need to learn to get his space respected. I think a good Balance of that is helpful. But in a nuthell, i like what you do. And sorry, when i gave you an un- questioned advice. Than tell me :) Dialogue is the way to figure out boundaries :) bless*
I feel grateful because I stumbled upon your channel. I'd been neglected emotionally from my childhood, ashamed, guilt trip, and what not. To make it worse, my spouse treats me to this kind of emotional abuse, silent treatment, very bad communication, 'you-do-you' treatment, and these really affect me terribly badly. And now, I'm kind of treating the same way to my child, and really upset for myself because i cannot be a good parent. I really failed them.
you are not a failure. 🙏
you didn't fail.
if your childhood was the way you described it, it is no surprise that you would expectedly choose a partner who would treat you the same. It is not your fault. Never has been.
I'm so sorry for the type of childhood you had. your caregivers failed you.. they programmed you to not know what you deserve, feel loved or feel capable.. and these are things you will continue to repeat until something changes. YOU.
Fortunately, you survived all of the things you've been through and you are now an adult, capable of taking responsibility for your own self, for your inner child and for your child.
You are no longer that powerless child they treated so poorly, you are now powerful. You may not feel like it yet, but you are. 👌 and will start to feel like it as your healing progresses.
As you begin to love yourself, you automatically begin to treat your baby with the love you have for him/her in your heart because you'd then know how to.
You are worthy and lovable. You are enough and capable, Fatimah.
You can change the course of your life and that of your child.
Learn about reparenting, trauma bonding, healing the inner child, types/forms of abuse and what to do when being abused, how to reprogram the mind... these are good places to start.
You deserve a better life, Fatimah. So go for it cuz you can do it! 💪❤❤
Thank you! I was attacked for standing up or questioning. This helps better than reading.
The way that this loops feels too realistic.
So exhausting.
Every time I watch these, small interactions I’ve had over the years with people, suddenly make sense!!
This is another great video example. I have this problem in my relationship dynamic. I have C-PTSD as does my partner. He also suffers from ADHD and mild autism so gets overwhelmed for reasons he doesn't understand or isn't aware of. We go through silence and tension often. He is also quite codependent. I am too but it's more people pleasing than anything else. So we struggle. We also remind ourselves that our goal is to repair after a rupture and that we understand and learn to tolerate some of the random triggering that happens and let it go. We take time to let the other person re-regulate. We are working on ourselves and trust it to work out over the long run.We also know that despite needing to be better in relationship that we are good people with problems. I'm not giving up because I have someone who understands what I've been through and it's unlikely that a more balanced person would be able to be with me and continue to understand so they wouldn't be with me for long. I'll stick with my damaged partner for as long as we are both willing to keep trying to change and get better.
The role play is so helpful!! Thank you ❤
“I don’t like you b1tch”. I wonder what type of calm and collective reply she would give!? 🤣🤣
Well whats the situation? Are they a couple? If my partner just outright tell me that, then they aren’t anymore coz there’s no point in dealing with someone who doesn’t like me.
I think it would be more like a calm and collective walk away from the relationship then
I think this approach only works with honest people with dishonest ppl it's good to mimic back their behavior to them or ignore them. Never dive in long explanations, if someone is dishonest their not worthy of you being vulnerable.
Oof. This very illustrative, but there should be TWO separate conversations.
One where you try to address compassionately whatever the heck is wrong right now, or just sit with them and express compassion and empathy if they're unable to express what's bothering them.
THEN, when they're not in a crisis, you should address how the inability to communicate makes you feel, how it's a burden on you and you want them to change if able, and to recognize they're unable if they are so you can decide how/if you want to move forward.
I understand of that's too much to ask, of course you have needs as well and nobody's perfect, but we should aim for the best so we can give our best.
Thank you for these videos playing out different situations, they help so much! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
I deal with this every day. I get drained by this kind of behavior all the time
I directly communicated with my passive aggressive friend exactly like this.
She responded by telling me we weren't friends anymore, and she hated me because I was too demanding.
It was only after she was gone that I realized I was being emotionally abused.
As they say “the garbage took itself out”
What about you saying what's going on and them you can get a slap or a punishment to use what's triggering you and use against you to keep you mad. Does say what you don't like ii will be considered or respected if the person you're dealing with don't value your feelings and opinions? 🤔
@@aylex1974 Oh, that's exactly what happened actually. She proceeded to lie to all my friends that I'd been mean to her so that everyone would abandon me with her. My best friend of 6 years had just admitted she never actually liked me, and took everyone else away with her. When I inevitably, and VERY REASONABLY, had a massive panic attack and mental breakdown, she told everyone that my distress was the proof I was a bad person.
I had an entire chat log's worth of damning evidence that she lied, and so SO many journals, but only one person out of them all bothered to ask for my perspective. I'm dead serious.
Best vid yet. I can so relate. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I feel i do this because i find it too draining to express how i feel and dont want to bother my partner. In the past ive been betlittled, mocked and shamed for for expressing my emotions and needs. The reaction to the expression of my feelings is too overwhelming to handle emotionally, and i prefer to keep peace. When i say im fine when im not im trying to deal with painful thoughts and feelings myself in hopes that they will pass- despite this the feelings still show on my face. Theres such a thin line to me of abuse- ive seen so many instances of people sharing how they feel to their partner that are more negative feelings and insecurities and then theyre labeled as abusive and crazy-- sometimes i dont think my thoughts and feelings are productive so i choose not to share in efforts to be a good partner, but i know it hurts my partner not to share. I opt to say 'im struggling with my thoughts' or 'im not feeling well today' instead. I dont know how to feel comfortable sharing otherwise when there is a threat of a fight or being shamed.
So educational in such a short time span. I really feel this. And also feel like being invalidated really fuels me being passive aggressive… it’s an ongoing cycle.
This is almost the exact same way my estranged sister started acting when we hang out after 2 years. Just when I started telling her about something. (Barely scratched the surface too) after listening to her talk about herself all day. It was crazy. Exact same body language and shitty grunts of annoyance. I was baffled. I said something like you don’t seem very receptive to what I’m saying.
I can get very passive aggressive at times because i struggle with talking about my emotions
Know that by being passive aggressive you are assuring that your needs won't be met and youre making it more difficult for others to do so in the future. I didn't learn about PA and how damaging it is for ALL parties until I started looking into codependency. Once I fully understood the mechanisms, how I was dishonoring myself and setting up others for failure, I was able to drop it. My family of origin never really modeled the healthy alternative, so that was something I had to learn.
My gosh I’m so grateful I don’t communicate like this anymore 😂 I’ve worked so hard. Thank you for this content it’s SO HELPFUL. ❤
Can you do a role-play where someone opens up about how they’re feeling and is basically told that it’s not a big deal
Ahh, Invalidating Feelings, this is a really good one.
They did make a video where someone was being called "too sensitive" and they gave a healthy response.
I love these shorts so much. Very informative but strangely humorous at the same time. Idk maybe it’s one of those “it’s funny cuz it’s true” things.
You two should try sketch comedy if you ever get bored 😅
I live & breathe your videos!! 😊😊THANK YOU SO MUCH !!! 😊😊 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 i wish i could magically meet you , thank you in person.
For showing functional communication tactics. 🎉🎉🎉🎉
I am passive aggressive person I can relate to this 😢
This is me at times because ,nothing seems to be done about it ,
My aunt is like this. She'll slam doors, grunt in annoyance when she sees you. And when you ask "what's wrong?" She yells "NOTHING! I'M FINE!"
To which I always said "You're not fine, you're pouting, slamming doors and throwing things. A person that is fine doesn't do those tantrums. What's wrong?"
98% of the time it was that I took more than 5 seconds to answer, because according to her "You're supposed to answer, not think"
I guess that's why she always spewed bs, cause she only spoke, and didn't think
This looks like classic feelings of resentment towards an event. Passive aggression is usually used by men as avoidance to problem because what ever they say to explain what they feel will either be turned back onto them or used in future situations.
Read “No more Mr nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. It goes into depth on how men subconsciously develop ‘covert contracts’ e.g. They perform a task expecting an outcome of gratitude or reward. When that emotional need is not for filled it leads resentment and passive aggression.
I know I was such a man for a long time , I had to hit rock bottom before accepting the fact I was a people pleaser in order to try and fill my emotional needs, wants and usefulness.
Life got a whole lot better when I woke up and stopped trying to please others expecting something in return.
I NEEEEED A PART 2
What is the upset person suppose to do next?
Ooh the long sighs. Do one with the cabinet slams and huffy cleaning!!
😮😮
5-6 yrs ago my only moods were passive,, passive aggressive or aggressive. Nowadays i fluctuate between passive & assertive or semi assertive. Never aggressive anym but i do smt lose it in very stressful situation & i raise a bit the voice, get angry but zero agressivity. Been working for the past 6 yrs on myself alone. Therapy failed many yrs ago, i would mayb give it a try again but ain't got the finances now. I had many yrs of therapy in my 30s with zero results. After 6 yrs of working on myself i healed many stuff including visible results in Borderline & OCD which were extreme in me. I also worked as a coach to help pple heal & teach them Mindfullness & Kundalini stuff.
People can be grumpy cause they slept bad or something, doesn’t mean it’s a relationship issue
True, there are many reasons for grumpy feels and they're okay to feel. However, if the person can't or won't communicate directly about what's going on for them when asked and it's a pattern rather than a one time thing, it can definitely be/become a relationship problem.
@@rainbowconnected Personally I don’t see a reason to share if it’s not relevant for the other person, nor is anyone entitled to knowing someones every thought. If you’re mad at your SO obvs communicate, but if it’s just a headache a “I’m fine.” Is enough
So very true Alice -- our moods are impacted by many things so having this awareness is key
Being grumpy is not an excuse not to communicate fairly with your partner
Problem is some people constantly feel negative emotions and rather avoid people than drag them dow with our negativity. Nobody wants to be around negative people.
It's so ironic that this comment is seeping with pessimism 😅
Oh, this, this! This is so difficult to process and so hectic to handle for me.
I’d love a video talking about how a parent who acted like this affects a child. Still trying to understand how my moms passive aggression affects my marriage today if that makes sense. I get so nervous about certain things.
A lot of adults have undiagnosed autism, and likely aren’t aware, in these cases they aren’t always aware of their feelings in the moment. Worth bearing in mind
Agreed. Some people are just preoccupied and aren’t trying to get attention at all and genuinely just want a bit of room to hear their own thoughts. Even if they are troubled about something, they might just need to process it themselves before finding the words to share it with others (if they ever do).
I believe that some people really are passive-aggressive… but that certainly doesn’t apply to everybody who sighs, looks up to the side and folds their arms… And if they respond to questions with irritation, it might just be because they’re in the middle of figuring something out in their head and don’t want to be interrupted by folk who refuse to believe them.
But the example in the video is someone who is expecting the other to read a subtext into what they are saying with words by use of body language which displays the opposite of their words. In the vast majority of cases, an Autistic person would be direct and say what they mean and mean what they say, there would not be a contradictory subtext the other person was expected to read into it. Likewise, it would work the other way too, and the Autistic person would not always pick up or know how to respond to someone else’s inferred subtext.
I think this and direct communication Behavior comes from a lot of us learning in our childhoods that it's unsafe to express ourselves directly and the safest way to express ourselves ever while growing up was indirectly.
Grandparents did this. Though they did it a bit differently. Instead of talking to me about an incident that occurred where I upset them greatly they decided to not voice to me their feelings and let resentment and distrust grow towards me. I grew up in a family for my whole life till 16 where no one communicated their feelings and just kept it bottled up. I also grew up severely emotionally stunted. No one ever was there for me to explain to me and help me understand what emotions I was feeling. For example, I was very jealous of my two first cousins because they got to grow up a semi normal life and be able to be with my biological grandparents while my dad made sure I never knew they existed. At the time I thought it was anger I was feeling and it confused me greatly because I couldn't understand why I would feel angry towards my cousins as they had done nothing to me for me to feel angry. It wasn't till I learned about jealousy and it was like a lightbulb moment. I hadn't a clue the anger I was feeling was actually jealousy.
Parents please please be there for your kids and give them emotional support. If mine had done that i wouldn't be struggling now to understand what I feel and how others feel and what is appropriate and not.
It’s so exhausting!!!!😊
Trying to pull things out of people is really draining and i have tried to stop doing this even if it means to walk away
I got this from my mother after some kind of disagreement or something I did annoyed her, but also there is a point where she “reset to default” (my name for it) as if nothing happened at all. It wasn’t until my 20s I realised she did this and it was a pattern, and she still doesn’t now. I didn’t understand it for so long that it often felt like walking on eggshells. There’s other stuff but this really reminded me of it
Love this. So good
It's exhausting dealing with these people😮😅
They really want to communicate an issue to you but just don’t know how to articulate it. It’s not meant to be “passive aggressive”.
Wow! As a chronically depressed person, I really hate the question, “are you okay?”
I wanna respond with, “no im not ok, isn’t it obvious?” And I have felt that way my whole life but never had the words for it. I don’t understand why people even ask that question, especially when it’s obvious that I’m not ok.
Totally the story of my life! It’s draining alright and quite hmffffffffffffff!
I find this pattern of communicating with a passive aggressor very very interesting..
this is my usual demeanor even when I'm not being passive aggressive
Omg I havent had any training and after alot of life lessons/healing... I started to do this when faced with this situation instinctively ... like idk how I came to the conclusion but I guess when you start being able to handle your own shit it becomes easier to deal with things with others!!
Them: "I'm FINE"
Me: "Good, you better stay that way"
Wouldn't it b so nice if talking to family was this easy.
Yup, this is my borderline personality disorder autistic daughter. Everyday is an experience and I'm trying to let her manage her life as she is 18 and technically an adult, but really she has a maturity level and emotional level of 12.
She's smart, so she's good at manipulating, gas lighting, sabbotaging and avoiding issues.
Now in college me and her father have to let her fail to learn.
If i had a dime for everytime we had these discussions we wouldnt need to take out college loans.
Sadly, in my case, when I do try to share things with my partner, they're not very open to listening or making things better. So I become more closed off and quiet when I'm upset :( I guess it really depends on the dynamic of the relationship. Having to shut down and close off is never a good thing long term.
This is so my ex and me. It's validating to hear that it truly is exhausting being with someone that can't communicate directly and say what they need even when you hold space for them.
Wow I relate to this so much
It’s sad though because I know my partner does this because he’s always been taught to be quiet and be ashamed of how he feels so he feels like he’s walking on eggshells , but the hard part is I’m not the one putting the eggshells down
Sometimes I shut down or disassociate when I’m overwhelmed and I’m always so worried that people will think I’m being passive aggressive when I’m really just trapped inside my body 😢
I'm going to remember this whole script in the heat of the moment.
Can you make quick comebacks that shut down hurtful, passive aggressive comments in their tracks?
"When you can communicate clearly, like a mature adult, I'll gladly listen. But since you're being passive aggressive, I'm gonna give you your space, because I don't need this negativity in my life." And walk away
Let em scream, let em throw tantrums. Pretend to be deaf.
It's hard sometimes, but it's doable. Also, have a source of emotional support.
omg i couldn't be around anybody like that, i've no time for that kind of behaviour, great example of passive aggressive behaviour
Pushing to communicate, sounds aggressive, confrontational
My ex said the exact same thing verbatim to me when he could sense something was off. I wasn’t trying to be passive aggressive, it’s just hard to hide my negative emotions and it’s been conditioned into me. But then when I’d be open and tell him what’s wrong, he would get defensive, attack and shame me for even being honest about what was wrong… make it all about himself. Feels to me like he read the “rules” of how to communicate directly somewhere (or was copying it from an ex) but he didn’t know how to actually do the work of reciprocal and receptive communication
I'm the direct person, but I do this and usually evoke an ANGERED defensive response. Thus, after a while, I learn to STOP trying to address the problems. When I recognize the other person isn't able to articulate their feelings, be direct, tell me their needs/expectations, or allow ME to express my vulnerabilities without it being met with frustration... it's almost like a brick wall getting in the way of intimacy... and most people think WITHHOLDING their feelings is "healthy" and see my inquiring as "toxic" or "manipulative"... so they leave me no real solution, since i can not make someone address something they aren't able or willing to address.
That doesn't work though. Especially if they've already determined what you're gonna say. I had a friend like that. They are much more comfortable making you feel bad than talking about it. When they do tell you the problem, they dont give you a chance to say anything. They've already got you "figured out" and don't want any other input but their own.
This crap is so much worse when you're an empath and they tell you that they are "fine".
Maybe when you put down your educated feelings snake. ❤️🔥🙏
I have a friend like this. Or really, she’s more of an acquaintance. Being passive aggressive is an indirect way of controlling someone, usually because of low self esteem. I remember she’s told me things like, Don’t worry. And like this video shows, completely ignores my offer to always be there for her
I’ve been thinking he ladder happy to report growth
There is much more reward in communicating once you understand what’s happening to be able to communicate
This depends on safety all round. Both parties need past trust, etc. To even approach the sitch like this.
Definitely my reality when i talk to.....
Great videos with roleplay
This reenactment is portrayed while associating passive aggressive behavior with men instead of addressing passive agressive behavior while simultaneously addressing it in anyone wether it's be men women children spouses friends OR family.... That being said I'm this specific portrayal men will say they're ok while possessing a semblance of frustration cause they're the ones who's emotions and concerns are being dismissed and overwritten.... and when people tell them "you know communication is important" and we need to talk about A or B they're only setting them up for more excuses and more invalidation which is for MORE dismissal and invalidation with a speech on everything they do wrong cause the issues are often built to revolve around the stigma that they're the toxic ones and the reason for a lot of the problems so everyone else can continue being the abusive ones without any fault or responsibility....(and usually the abusers in these unaccountable situations are family but MOST frequently they're wives) That's ACTUALLY how passive agressive abuse works.... and the worst part is that the therapy system we have today is constructed to feed that toxicity....
The quickest way to deal with it…fuck it!😂
I’m very passive aggressive and I wish everyday I could be more assertive. I try here and there 😟
Yeah, I learned this in college. Unfortunately I’ve found that in real situations it doesn’t work very effectively.
Yup. I was lucky to grow up in a household that taught direct communication. Even from a young age I heard phrases like “use your words.” “I don’t know what you need if you don’t tell me” “we aren’t mind readers”. So threw me for a bit of a curveball when I met people who did not handle conflict the same way.
And yeah sometimes my direct communication approach made me some enemies. But at least it helped me weed out people who drained my energy.
@@alyssapinon9670 Same. We also had something said to us if we shook our heads instead of talking My parents would say “ I can’t hear your head rattle “.😂
Im gonna try this
Yeah, with my ex there was a point where i was so tired and drained that I just stopped trying... Its exhausting
This loops perfectly 😅
The woman trying to pull out info is actually annoying. If I was the other one, I'd get up and leave; because if she was having a bad day, there might be tears. She should have said, "okay." (...Sam I am. I do not like that Sam I am.) It is okay to be pensive and even angry sometimes. Life is not always a bowl of cherries. I would give her all the space and time she needs to sort it out and leave my door open just in case she wanted to drop in. 🙂
Use to be me. No surprise my parents were deadlock in an endless passive aggressive war.