Narcissists and Gifts
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- Опубликовано: 4 сен 2024
- Special occasions such as birthdays and Christmas can be an ideal opportunity for a narcissist to manipulate others and gain narcissistic supply. This video looks at some of the common motivations and attitudes around gift giving, and responses to and receiving gifts.
Part one of this video:
How Narcissists Behave during Special Occasions
• How Narcissists Ruin S...
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It’s extraordinary how they take something like gift giving and use it as yet another opportunity to play their games.
Because nothing is ever neutral communication with a narc. Neutral is the grown-up way, and they never reached that stage. They thrive on drama. Drama llamas.
Just another weapon in the arsenal
Yes to hurt you in some way
Gifts are not gifts.. they are methods to control & constantly brought up to remind of how much they have done for you! So many strings attached😢😢😢
Absolutely. I dated several that would use it as a subtle “diss”, like half dead flowers that were on sale; a cheap fashion ring when they know you are waiting to be engaged, last minute weird gifts they make it known they got on the way over for that holiday, then when you say something you’re “ungrateful”. It’s all a trap
I got a golden bracelet from my Narc mother. It was too small for her so she gave it to me as my birthday gift. She didn't want to spend additional money on me! When she gave me the thing she said - 'when you get tired of the bracelet I will give it to my granddaughter'. So I sold the bloody bracelet and bought me something I really liked. She hasn't spoken to me since! It's been 6 months of blissful silence and no contact.
So it was never really a gift
More like a loan. She thought she still owned it
That's like my mother in law. She did that to my wife with a Ford Maverick after my wife painted it and made it all nice.
I got a groupon for botox for my 30th😂
My narcissistic mother loved giving gifts as a form of manipulation. She would give me and my sisters jewelry so that 1) she would want us to feel eternally grateful to her and also cause a trauma bond between us 2)other people would see and say "oh wow! Lucky you! Your mom is so nice and generous ". It secured her place so that noone would beleive us if we said anything negative about her...and believe me it worked
Gifts were always so complicated and fraught with danger!
"Best" part is when you finally give up, after decades of trying everything.
Epic rage fits, whining for years to come and never ending attempts at emotional blackmail, because ... you know ... that one time you only got them a generic gift basket after they told you fifteen times they didn't want anything, really.
On the plus side, this can be a great learning experience. I think both my husband and I know how to give thoughtful gifts to each other and to appreciate the effort. We give when we think it's the right moment, we don't wait for special occasions or holidays.
I've learned that I cannot make a narcissist happy. But I now use the skills I developed (i.e. extreme sleuthing to find out what people like/dislike) to make those happy who can appreciate it.
@@thrivingnow7395 🤣🤣🤣 right, they are. I am literally afraid of gifts.
My husband hasn't actually purchased a gift for me in thirty four years. On our tenth anniversary we decided to get what we each wanted. He got his car custom painted and I got a ring with a small diamond. His car is long gone. I still have the ring. But in the thirty four years that followed, whenever a gift would be appropriate, he writes me a poem. He thinks he's a poet. The poems, always romantic, do not anyway reflect any part of our relationship. I don't know who he was thinking of as he was writing them. When I started going Gray Rock it was amusing to see the wording of his poetry go all haywire. He knew something was different in our relationship, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Anyway, as soon as he hands his poem to me, he considers his job done, and goes on with his day. I no longer put on birthday parties for him, with bakery made cakes, decorations, and guests. It was never reciprocated. All I got were poems that left me feeling lonely and hollow, because they had nothing to do with me or us.
Maybe the poems expressed his love for himself. So sorry that you have to live in this situation. I had to go no contact, but it is not always possible.
@@salmyrle1920 HA!! I thought my husband found his poems online as well! How funny/not funny. I actually typed some of the lines into the search bar to see if I could find the work he plagiarized it from. But then, the writing wasn't all that good, so it had to be his writing. Thank you for sharing that your husband writes poetry to. I don't feel like the only one now. I wish neither one of us was having to get these "presents." Big Hugs. We'll get through this and make our lives better eventually.
Wow
They really do live in a different world! I'm learning this myself. Sorry u had to go through that fornso long
Narcissist gifts are always a bit thoughtless... Or something they want to force upon you, like a style of clothing they know you dont like but they want for you.
I once got 3 boxes of nicotine gum nicely wrapped at Christmas from a doctor I was dating. This was when smoking cessation nicotine gum was by prescription only. No doubt drug reps had dropped them off at his office to hand out as samples to patients.
Omg ! This just happened again and I blew up ruined Mother’s Day for me
I received as a gift: A FRIDGE MAGNET WITH THEIR OWN FACE ON IT ✅😂😂😂⛔️
I cut it in half and binned it 🗑️📉
Ha! Wow.
Wow
I got a framed pic from my narc mom with the suggestion that it would look great on the wall of my room. It was huge lmao - like b- please, I see your face in my nightmares. I don't need a 10×12 formal portrait of you peering down from the wall over my bed.
lol that reminds me of when my boss gave everyone christmas gifts and she give me a little framed picture with the previous year on it (2014, when it was christmas, 2015) the fram had a bone on it, because it was for a dog. What was the picture of? It was a picture of myself from holiday party.! So my boss gave me a picture of myself in a novelty frame made for a dog, with the preceding year on it. I still can't understand whether the gift was just a result of stupidity or conscious malice.
Wow, epic ha ha
I'll never forget my N dad and his girlfriend told me they were "taking me on a trip for my 21st birthday" (but it was months after my birthday) and it wasn't really for me. They were already planning on the trip to visit the girlfriends kids, but they decided to invite me and say it was FOR me. L O L. and yes it was thrown in my face later on as something they "did for me."
My narc mother always at family gatherings (usually holidays) always cried while we said grace before the meal thus putting a whole damper on the event and getting everyone to feel sorry for her "sorrow".
She had 5 children and 1 stepson. When her children turned 30, she had a big party of each one EXCEPT 2 of us: me and my brother 1 year younger. Shortly before he died of cancer, that brother asked me if mom ever gave me that party. When we both learned that we were the outcasts, we understood.
In later years, she would celebrate Christmas at her house. She would tell me "no presents". When I would show up, of course, everyone brought presents and I looked like an idiot. That happened once. Never again did I not show up without presents. She seemed disappointed that I saw through her game.
I no longer speak to her or her children. She did this to us and our family.
I’m sorry you and your brother were made to feel like that, but remember you can’t change the past but can change the future - stepping away from your narc mother is the BEST thing you could have done. You can now move forward and make the best future possible without having someone so hurtful and destructive in your life. X
🤧
My mother loves giving insulting gifts. I could always count on teeth whitening products, diet drinks, clothes in comically large sizes...and how dare you have any reaction besides smiling gratitude!
"It's because I love you and want to help you".
No, dear narcissist, it's because you like to prod open wounds.
Oh yes... those were a regular feature in my life, too. I'm so sorry you got to experience this. I got makeup made for burn victims (because she was upset that some people had mentioned that I had nice skin), tooth whiteners (my teeth are whiter than hers), an XXXL onsie with feet (despite the fact that I was an adult, nowhere near that size and have hated anything on my feet since I was a baby), many clothes that were too small (but her size so she took them back and wore them regularly in front of me), diet pills (because if im jot her size, I'm clearly fat), chemical hair straightener (she hates my hair texture) and more. Once I figured out that the gifts were about her insecurities and were nothing to do with me, they stopped bothering me so much, but this kind of thing is a uniquely awful feature of narcissists. My mother eventually stopped most of it when I praised her gifts and told her how funny my friends found her 'gag gifts' and shared some of the mocking comments they made and pictures of three of us crammed into the giant onsie and my drag queen cousin using the burn victim makeup to flamboyant effect. I think she realized that I wasn't being put down by the gifts, so going this route wasn't inflicting the desired amount of pain, and so it wasn't fun for her anymore.
Give them back to her.... tell her, you need it more than me.
😢😢😢😢
It has become a real challenge to find someone who is not narcissistic. When I do find yet another, I turn and run . Not even give them a chance to start on me.
Yes, so true
absolutely
I'm reading the book, "You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother" by Danu Morrigan. She addresses this. In our current mindsets, those cultivated by a narcissistic mother, we attract more narcissists. When we learn how to heal from these mental and emotional wounds, we start attracting more healthy people. All the best to you!
@@jamiesdulcimer1 thanks for recommendation..God Bless.
@Jamie F thanks so much for the recommendation - that would explain a lot about my life, and why I keep most people at a distance.
My husband always has to ruin any opportunity of joy that I may find... This year, however, I was ready. I used your grey rock, Darren :-) Suddenly, from nowhere, Christmas Eve afternoon, he took to his bed so sick (he wasn't). Throughout Christmas Day, I was begged to take him to the doctor, the hospital, all sorts of nastiness and I just got on with my day. Miraculously, at lunchtime, on Boxing Day, he got up, washed and dressed and went out as normal. His feeling, that he had won and had ruined my Christmas, but he hadn't, as I had for sawn it and got on with it. Thank you Darren. Your tips and videos are soul savers!
My MIL now passed would hand out cards with large sums of money to family members to the favored while leaving out the ones she hated at the moment. It made a horrible Christmas family get together.
I think this is why gifts are my "love language." I love to give gifts, and I get incredibly hurt if someone doesn't give thought to a gift for me because this was a lifelong issue with my mother. She would deliberately give me thiings that were hurtful -- like a scale when she thought I should lose weight. She also would accuse me of "never being happy" with "anything she bought me" and would use this as triangulation to tell others about her ungrateful daughter.
When it came to gifts I bought for her, many were treated with disdain. She once asked me for an umbrella that would "come down on the sides" for her birthday. Knowing she loved her patio, I thought she meant a patio umbrella that would shield her table against the wind. I spent weeks looking for one. Then I drove two hours away to an IKEA, thinking I would find one there since the description of this was so unusual. I could not find it but discovered a beautiful white umbrella that was light and easy to open for her arthritic fingers. When she opened the gift, she fussed at me for misunderstanding. She had meant a regular umbrella that she had seen the Queen of England use. This was the first time I had heard that specificity. As for the umbrella, she stowed it in her garage and never used it. She also told her sisters how I had "not cared" about what she had wanted. Very hurtful.
After her death, the first Christmas I was actually relieved that I no longer had to shop for her or experience the hurt of her "gifts." I would rather have nothing under the tree than live with that again.
My narcissistic mother makes sure to include the receipt that has the price of the expensive gifts when she gifts me. And I've always felt that these expensive over the top gifts were an act of love bombing.
When I was a teen I worked in the women's department of a department store. On Christmas eve a man came in when the stock was depleted and he grabbed a blouse and said wrap it up. It wouldn't fit her and she wouldn't like it but he had to have something in the box. She could return it after Christmas. 50 years later that selfish bastard sticks in my mind.
I had a similar experience years ago working in a dept. store.
I spent so many years wondering why that "friend" always bought me expensive gifts while I know she hated me. of course she always gave me those gifts on friends gatherings... noticed it afterwards.... she always had harsh words and those gifts were the only reason why I didn't throw her out of my circle of friends sooner. I didn't know about narcissists back then, so I'll make a better job in the choice of my friends in the future.
Anyone ever had the narcissist in their life tell everyone what their gifts were days before they opened them to ruin the surprise???
I only got a decent present from the narc the first year, it was part of "love bombing". The next two Christmases were ruined, no presents, lame excuses he was sick etc, yet he bought lavish gifts for all his family (online) and bragged about it in my face.
I got him a gift that was laying on the floor of his truck for a week like trash.
That was the the last drop for me.
My top tip for narc messages: make sure you feel non-reactive, calm before (and if) messaging back. Let some day(s) pass if necessary. This is good because it sends them the message you are in no hurry. They use ‘urgency’ as a way to reel you in. Deep belly breaths. You are in control.
* If you are on WhatsApp: select the option where they can’t see your online status or ‘last seen’. If possible unselect the blue ticks for ‘read’. You can even select they don’t see your profile pic, just the grey image.
* check if they leave space and time for you to naturally respond in a reciprocal way. Narcs have a tendency to use your inbox as their personal monologue bin. If that’s the case, ask yourself if they see you for who you truly are or if they are ‘communicating’ with an image of you they’ve constructed.
Excellent advice. Just yesterday ny narc father got in contact with me. I have gone nc for years. After his first message "saying hello and demanding" he told me the times that are good for me to message him. You are so right about the urgency. My father was also trying to get me in his hamster wheel, running on his schedule, just a tiny bit. Control always. And we are talking about someone who the minute i divorced went immediately to my ex wife and has befriended her (him to the rescue), did the exact same to my brother too (he did not know either of our exs because we were nc during marriage). Zero loyalty and then tells me when the right time to message him is. Thanks for your comment it picked me up. I also loved the take your time to replying.. im in 100% agreement.. i am replying in 3 days.. im in no rush to reply to you. It is like your message came at exactly the right time for me.
@@LL-wc4wn you got this 💗
Thanks for this reminder - a casual ex from a couple of years ago recently got back in touch. We.didnt date long, but he showed a lot of narc tendencies so I ended it. No hard feelings, but too many red flags that reminded me of my parental units, so I'm just done with him and don't want to talk. He sent over 30 what's app messages and made a couple of 3am calls in less than 36 hours. I've left them all unread/unanswered, but was feeling presured to be polite and respond. After reading your post the pressure disappeared. I think I'm just going to block and continue being happily NC. I've have enough narcs in my life without recycling one I already got rid of once.
@@katem2411 great stuff!
Yes! So glad you said this, just turned off sharing read status🙌🙌🙌
Last Christmas we received a completely thoughtless gift from my MIL My husband and I were told to pick up a bunch of food party trays from our local grocery on a particular. We were not asked if we were going to even be home! I went to the store to see what is was: a deli meat/cheese tray for 40 sandwiches, a huge tray of shrimp and a huge fruit bowl. We were not having any guests over and in 2021 giving extra food to neighbors was not something most people would want to take due to COVID. (They knew we weren't having anyone over because they were supposed to be our houseguests and had to cancel.) We did not take the deli meat tray from the store. I explained to the nice deli clerk that there were only 2 people at my house for the holidays and we weren't going to be eating sandwiches 3 times a day for a week. We reluctantly took the other items and ate as much as we could. Would have preferred her to give to a food pantry, dog rescue, animal shelter. Help an organization who needs money and not burden me with such a ridiculous gift.
I Perfer Giving and Recieving UnBirthday Gifts These Days Authentically From the Heart Just Because We Love Each Other.
I love just getting people things I see and make me think of them just because! I've had to stop myself from doing this for my narc family and it's hard but they certainly don't deserve to be fed!!!
Just received a card from my narcissistic mother (to me happy christmas love mum) as ice cold as the snowy garden cover. No contact for 2 years now and in her head this must be a way of ticking off the list to SHOW that she’s done something. Thank mum *throws in bin.
I received a Christmas present this Christmas which was left at my door, despite 7 months of going no contact with a narcissistic friend. This was an ongoing campaign by them to provoke a reaction and to make me feel ungrateful. The 7 month period actually started on my birthday last May when I got a Happy Birthday message from them (which I duly acknowledged) only to get a an aggressive response stating that I hadn't responded to their previous message inviting me out for a birthday lunch. So I duly apologised stating that I had been busy putting in place critical carer arrangements for my 87 year old dad and that was my priority at the time. I also suggested a date and venue for the birthday lunch thanking them for the kind gesture. Despite being fully aware of my personal circumstances, I got an aggressive response advising that we might have been able to go out for my birthday if I had let them know in the first place. Their lack of empathy combined with the invite withdrawal was the final straw after several years of this type of behaviour and I knew I needed to end the friendship.
My mom takes gifts I’ve received for herself (often immediately after I’ve opened them). She gives me the silent treatment and refuses to look at me, if I protest. She has taken back gifts she’s given me, under the pretense that I won’t care for them properly, and then use them ostentatiously in front of me forever after 😢
Narc Mumster didn't buy me anything for Christmas when I was 6 years old. She did, however, shower her golden child son with everything he ever wanted and more: train set, bike and a puppy! Many years later I did the same to her and it felt so good. She was the most evil, cruel person I have ever met in my life. I walked away from all of them 25 years ago and never looked back. I bought her a big bunch of flowers for her birthday and I had very little money at the time. She looked at them with disdain and told me that she only liked long stem red roses.
I don't want a gift from any narcissist, i probably have to pay for it.
My mom also often takes me to shop for a special gift for me, and then decides at the last minute that she doesn’t approve of the item I chose and we leave without anything. Or she’ll ask me what I’d like, and when I give a thoughtful request, she will scold me for choosing whatever item it is, for some reason, or just get me something else (similar, yet not what I asked for). Oh, and she has bought a gift for someone else, while in my presence, and after I’ve stated that I would like that have it.
My sister went on for a while about how lame her gift was for me, then sat right in front of me as I opened it. Now let me preface that they have money and the night before I saw what she got my other sister and my mother who went on about how thoughtful a gift giver she is (she got them stuff off their lists and I had a list too). So I open it as she's starting at me reminding me with a smile how lame my gift is and it was. It wasn't the term dollar things on my list I really wanted and needed but two discount shirts that were the wrong size and not my style at all(which she knows). Come to find out that she didn't even spend half of what she spent on everyone else on me, but at least it's enough that I can return them and get something off my list. I grey rocked my reaction as much as I was hurt inside by the thoughtlessness. Just another reminder why I need to remove these people from my life!
My narc husband future faked me by saying our anniversary would always be a special romantic day , we would write a poem to each other and give gifts, well my first anniversary I was so shocked , when I presented him excitedly with his poem and gift , he had nothing for me , I was devastated, and sad , and then it was my fault that our day was ruined !! I wish I had know about covert narcissist then , I would have saved myself 17 years of suffering!
You remind me of a person who offered to let me stay at their home until I found an apartment.
I gratefully declined because I could tell that they were the type of person who, no matter what I contributed to their home while there, I would always be indebted to them, and that they would use it to secure whatever they desired regularly.
Thank you for the gift of knowledge and validation!
I find that gifts just complicate everything. I am learning to say no to them little by little....
The extravagant gifts left me feeling guilty for feeling ignored. Also because I didn't have the money to reciprocate. I had to put up with these feelings, otherwise be seen as unappreciative.
Have this issue with my MIL.. when you don't do something she likes she calls you ungrateful and starts talking about all the things she's done for you.. It's exhausting and makes me not want to be around her.
This is So Timely ...we were just talking about gift giving today, since the Holidays just passed - it’s about the Heart. I feel vindicated 😊 because I was explaining how a family member was not giving to be Loving but to get adoration, this has disgustingly been going on for decades. I only want gifts given with sincerity and only want to give that way as well. Let’s us authentic people set the standard and let those people alone with their games. 2023 🎉
I had a N take the gift that I had saved for and leave it on a cubicle at his work- someone else’s cubicle-and then tell me what he did, watching me as he did and for some minutes after to enjoy the hurt I felt because he “taught me a lesson” (I don’t remember what made him mad).
I hate that this guy has rent space in my head 25 years later.
This video really save me from feeling sorry for this person who I know it’s not good and I even went no contact with thank you I really appreciate it
For 20 years of marriage, when everyone in my husband's family exchanged gifts, my husband wouldn't give me anything and I felt deeply hurt by this, but at the same time chided myself for feeling hurt over not receiving a gift, even though I gave him one every year. In retrospect, I think it was cruel.
It was extra cruel, because he did it in front of his family, year after year.
incredible watching these covert -green- hulks this time of year. God Bless You Daren & commenter's .
😊✌🏼💖
"see people as extensions of themselves"- Now I understand why my father had issues with me and the successes my life:
Since my life turned out differently than his and my brothers, who spent more time with him, coupled with a great uncle and surrogate grandfather, who had greater sway on me, I wasn't being an extension of him, i.e., he didn't see himself in me.
Consequently, the criticism of my goals, the slighting of my accomplishments, the hurtful comments, the unwillingness to attend my high school graduation, and etc.
When I see his absentism from my life through my adult eyes and not those of the child who was abandoned and neglect by his father, his dereliction was the best thing that could have happened to me, especially when I look at its affect on all of my siblings.
Thank you.👍
Oh the insulting gift. Yes I got a dented, cheap tea strainer wrapped in old paper from mum today because, in her words, she did not like my silver plated antique tea strainer that I like. She had "noticed" this last time she visited my home. Plus I got a ceramic tile with two old women drinking wine and the word "Therapy" on it. She likes to put me down because I enjoy a drink. So passive aggressive. She knows that when I visit if she verbally abuses me I will leave but today I was with other family so no one else "gets" her nasty jibes. But she still gets a couple of insults in. I visited to fix her air con, Tv, curtains and house insurance at her request. She is spiteful and angry. LOL. 😅😢😂. Thankyou Darren and everyone else who is reading this. ❤
I'm poor and don't even like doing the gift giving. My father always gives me money and then insinuates that I really should buy stuff for him because, after all, he gives me money. I just can't afford christmas and don't like the whole gift giving thing. any time i get him something he acts dissatisfied and, besides, he has enough money to buy himself literally whatever he wants. I can barely afford rent. I call it the circle of shame. we sit in a circle and open up the same generic peripheral gifts every year and pass the garbage bag along with the gifts(so that we don't get the wrapping paper on the floor). It is a very controlled miserable and pointless ritual devoid of real meaning. Just a way for him to insinuate I'm selfish and will take the money. And if I don't show up, he doesn't give me the money because the money is really just payment for showing up and also a way to highlight that I didn't buy him anything(if i don't buy him anything) or a way to get me to buy him something(sort of a way to say "well, see, you only spend a little bit of money on me, but I gave you lots of money so in reality I just bought my own crappy gift. thanks for nothing, idiot"). But he doesn't really buy me anything, just gives me the money because I am a poor and desperate loser that just needs money. It is such a miserable and dead and empty ritual. And almost always, he ends up giving back the gift I bought him like "I don't want this, you can have it" basically making it pointless and empty, making me feel like my existence is irrelevant. He didn't even invite me this year because I told him off over the summer. first time that's ever happened. I actually feel better about it. People can say I'm the narc all they want, I know I'm not.
I feel so sad reading this post. You have great insight. Use it to get away from his miserable existence.
The circle of shame 😢 I’m so sorry. That sounds absolutely horrible.
Very familiar.....& you're not the Narc. Far from it.
My mil insisted on buying me a huge standing mixer that wasn’t on my registry. She insisted “every woman needs one” I hated it so much and sold it!after she passed ! Every woman does not need one and I use a whisk or hand mixer.
For my bridal shower, my MiL asked me what to bring. I told her a bottle of white wine would be fine. It didn’t have to be fancy or expensive. She bought me canned wine from Costco bc it was cheaper :/ I couldn’t even get wine in a bottle for a special occasion. I could’ve done it myself
They went out of the country to travel and bought all these shirts for my husband (which is great) and brought me a reusable shopping bag 😂 again, it’s not the money. It’s just so thoughtless. Even dogs get more value from a bone
Holidays are very hard for me. My late son was born on my birthday. My birthday is very hard for me. It’s his birthday too. My husband normally does nothing! Maybe a few times in 23 years has he even purchased a card. Most birthdays he might call me and wish me happy birthday. Christmas, anniversary ect go by with few words must less gifts. I have asked him many times to please put for a little effort to make me feel special on occasion. Nothing! Why won’t he acknowledge that I need this. I tell him I do!
My mother specialises in getting exactly what you wanted, but with a nasty twist so that you can't say out loud that it's wrong, you have to squirm and try to find grateful words while your brain is whirring What the heck just happened? I once suggested I'd like one of those towels with an animal head hood. A duck if possible. She sewed me a wishy washy pink bri-nylon one. Pink duck 🤮 and bri-nylon that can't absorb water. Another time she bought me a book she knew I already had, not one from the entire list I gave her that I actually wanted. And then you have to keep the gift because she **will** check up on it and ask about it in public so that you have to squirm all over again 😡
I once bought myself a present, unwrapped the one that was sitting under the tree and put mine in the box and rewrapped it. Then I acted surprised and thankful when I opened it up. I never got a present afterwards and it’s so much easier.
@@boxelder9167 🤣 that's brilliant. So funny! Great work 👍
My "favorite" gift from the narc was sexy lingerie in an impossibly small size.
I hope you are using it as a cleaning rag now 😂
My N would come home and enthusiastically say "I bought a surprise for you today" and literally show me either the lastest bottle of cleaning product or items that were clearly meant for him to use or pertaining to his hobbies/interests
Oh, it was much too tiny for that!
I knew these would be great comments! 😂 on my first Christmas with my very wealthy EX, he drew a fake plane ticket that said one way trip to Japan. In our 5 year relationship you can bet we never went, but we did visit his mother in Florida 5 times. The last 2 times we spent in the nursing home. (She was a lovely lady). During that time his really mean sister told me I was one of many “girlfriends” paraded about. It took me way too long to figure out I was just a beard…
It was my birthday on the 23rd and they once again made it a really bad day.
And Christmas Day was even worse .
Why do I keep treating him like he’s got an illness and he will wake up and be nice and pleasant.
He goes out of his way to make my life a living nightmare and a waking hell
Does he care ? Nope
It's always better to know more.
And this even reminded me of some things... My deceased grandpa used to help me by buying me some stuff I really needed, either for school or whatever, but sometimes, when we would get into an argument, he would shove it up my nose, saying: "I bought you that! Nobody else but me!" I always disliked it, but now I believe I recognize a pattern here. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Doctor, someone I was seeing offered to help out with a medical problem but knowing that he was insistent on marriage I was skeptical about accepting it and he stated: it’s not on condition that we marry”! However, he never gave me the money and would say “ oh i forgot, will bring tomorrow in an envelope” and never would. When he sent a breakup text, he never mentioned the money promised for my procedure. But he did list everything he had done for me including how much money he’d lost on things that were beneficial for him as well when we were a couple. It made me feel like him courting me was all about an objective and not about enjoying the time.
My narcissistic husband never likes anything you buy him no matter who buys it or where it comes from he got a radar detector for my mom one time It is really cool was really nice and it sat on the nightstand for seven months. They will let stuff sit around and I guess to say that’s not good enough for them nothing is ever good enough for him. I stop buying him gifts along time ago because it’s never good enough he expected gold bars or something and even that he would find fault with it because you could never be right you could never do anything right that’s how they play it but yet he would buy me the same gifts that I told him I didn’t want like don’t buy me any gold hoop earrings I don’t need anymore every Christmas that’s what he buys me and he does it repeatedly on purpose so one year I opened my gift secretly took it back to the store and replace it with something I did like from the jewelry store and he stopped doing that they love to give you gifts you don’t like or that disappoint you or that hurt you in someway my brother-in-law, his brother gave his niece, a toothbrush for Christmas one year an eight year old child he gave a toothbrush to this is their twisted idea of Christmas is to hurt somebody
Thank you Darren for this excellent video! I was interested when you mentioned the competition aspect of gift giving by the narcs and have been doing some reading on this subject. One author suggested it’s a power or dominance game centred around reciprocity; the narc buy you a gift with an expectation that you will return a gift of equal or greater value. The advice was don’t reciprocate.
Sometimes its to brag to everyone in earshot about all she has done for you…
wouldnt it be nice to have a gift without strings or conditions??
Thank you for this video - it was a much needed reminder of the games and how not to get sucked in. I'm also going to apologize for the long rant - apparently, years of therapy haven't erased the holiday trauma, and it was surprisingly cathartic just to type some of it out.
I just loathe the holidays and birthdays because of growing up in the narcissistic experience, and I doubt I'll ever get over that.
My parents both show some pretty severe narcissistic tendencies and holidays, and birthdays were an inconsistent nightmare - I never knew what to expect. No gifts? Thoughtful gifts? Subtly cruel gifts? Gifts for me that were things they wanted and promptly took for themselves? Endless permutations, but when they did get gifts, they always took lots of pics/artfully displayed the wrapped packages at parties so that it looked like there were a huge pile. Regardless of what was under the tree or in the package, failure to act 'appropriately grateful' = rage and/or passive aggressive games for months afterward. It was also mandatory for everyone else to give more to them than they gave - it was weird superiority maths, and it always made the holidays miserable for the rest of us. My mother decided that she was "no longer cooking" when I was around 10, so if I wanted more than iceberg lettuce topped with canned fish and ranch dressing, I'd have to do it myself. My mother threw her old New York Times cookbook at me, and I was just expected to figure out how to plan and cook meals from it. This meant that from about age 10 or 11 I was expected to cook most of the holiday meals (my mother invited lots of people so they could see how she "put me to work") and I can't remember ever getting a thank you - but after the guests left, my parents loved complaining about anything that went wrong (which was quite a bit esp in the first few years when i was figuing stuff out - and of course no cell phone or internet to help, just that bloody awful book).
I was also expected to celebrate 'labour day' and buy/cook my mother dinner and buy her gifts on the day before I was born. It was always a much bigger deal than my birthday which was often ignored or celebrated by some sort of insult gift and an unremarkable dinner that I usually cooked.
Occasionally one or both of the parents would just go AWOL for planned holidays. No one knew where they were or when/if they were coming back and how mad they'd be if there were or weren't gifts/dinner waiting for the AWOL adult(s) despite teenage me not having the resources to manage much of anything on my own. Once I figured out that whatever I did would be wrong, those holidays with AWOL parent(s) were usually the best lol
i hear you ... very similar to my christmas past,
sending you all best vibes of love, joy and Peace, this christmas day 2022. from Australia ... 🕷
@MzLiberty thanks and happy Christmas and new years to you as well.
Same thing happened to me and I was doing the meal planning at around 10. Then they started leaving and going on vacations without telling me they were leaving.
I was also being woken up every morning by being water boarded so at 15 I left home and never went back. Finally at the age of 50 I have been able to heal from most of it. Today I was doing my laundry, washing my dishes and enjoying myself with nobody to tell me how I was doing it wrong. Today I have a lot more joy than I thought was possible.
@Box Elder it's terrifying jow similar so many narcissists are, and I'm so sorry you went through that. It's great that you've found some joy in life - esp around this time of year - I hope one day I can have the same experience :) Wishing you a merry Christmas, and many more happier ones to come.
@@katem2411 - Same as they are spreading pain and evil I can do the opposite with my life and spread the good. I really had to look at all the lies that were spoken over me and realize that they were still controlling me if I kept believing them. I had to realize that they were sick people but I don’t have to be sick too. I recently took a young girl in from the foster care system and I am trying to give her a better life. It has brought back up a lot of memories of things I went through but each time is another opportunity to heal and another opportunity to choose love. Every bit of pain I went through is another opportunity to have compassion and understanding for others. Today I don’t have to waste my energy on the narcissist and I can put it somewhere where it makes a difference for the better.
Today I am grateful for the lessons I learned from the narcissist. I know firsthand that good and evil exist. How ever great the evil was that I experienced then good has an equal counterpart. God is good and in searching for good I found both. God has allowed me to have more depth of feeling love because of the contrast of the evil I have experienced. On top of that it doesn’t just benefit me but I am better able to help others. It’s really a beautiful reality now that it’s coming full circle. Definitely worth the journey although sometimes frustrating because it’s not something that I can share with everyone because it’s not something that everyone goes through to such extremes.
My two relatives almost never acknowledge when a package from me is delivered in their mail. I usually end up either calling the post office or the store that mailed an item to find out if my relatives received it.
My sister has a thing about refusing to open most of her Christmas presents for several days because she wants to take longer to enjoy opening them. I am lucky if she mentions opening 1 or 2 presents from me ,while not saying anything about the other presents). & If I email her 10 days later, she Continues to Not say anything about any of the other presents. & She usually never says anything about Using any of the presents that I give her. (books, etc.)
This is a good one Darren! 🙂
Love your closing quip-😂
Darren, one to add to the list. Giving extravagant and then costly gifts and not using them - then not also allow them to be used by others who may like them. Three years or more for me. New high end iPad, still in the box. New very good laptop, not used. This year, new iWatch that has not been on the wrist.
"The car refreshner....just what I needed. Thank you " ,😅
Happy Christmas Darren, hope you have a good time with your family and friends!!
Thank you. You too 👍
I care for my dad who is an aggressive narcissist and it is bloody hard work and at Christmas he is hell bent on ruining it by being an arsehole
Don’t let “an aggressive narcissist” treat you like that - just because he is your father, does NOT give him the right to treat you badly. Gain strength, insight and support from these kinds of videos and make decisions that are right for YOU.
@@pinkpaisley4520 These videos help, we used to think he was mad
I fell seriously ill a few years back, my son age 15 had to face me in an ICU bed, on life support and with multiple organ failure. He was told it was unlikely that I would survive. His biggest fear and as his main care giver, there's not a mental health professional that says he would not have been affected by this.
In the past few years he's been coached in Narcisstic behaviour from my X. I had held out hope that I could bring him round but it doesn't seem like it.
I've been struggling financially while he lives rent free in my house. He turned his nose up at his birthday gifts, 1 Dec, because they were small and of little value. Then Christmas they were put on the chair outside my room and left still wrapped. Still sitting there now. I was told he just wasn't feeling it.
My Christmas gift was apparently delayed in the post and my Birthday, 1Jan, non existent. No card and not even a happy birthday.
He did ask me late last night 1st Jan, if I was alright. He smelt me cooking, afyer Ignoring me in his way out to and in from work. I just turned round and said to him, "I don't know xxxx, am I supposed to feel alright?". His response was to just walk away. I wasn't cooking anything for him.
I suppose according to your list that's my fault because when given a gift there was no way I would like it, I am the narcissist for saying thank you for the effort, but this isn't something I will use. If you send it back I will use the voucher to get a CD or DvD. In that instance toiletries that would give me body odour if I used them. A bit like the razor to someone who has a beard!
Then there have been gifts I have put away in a memory box to keep safe. That got adverse comment when I explained that it was to keep it safe. Especially the last one which was glass in a house that's a mess.
If you cant explain to your partner that they are buying you gifts you will not use, dont fit, and dont like, without fear of being called a narcissist then what is the point. I have certainly tried to get them gifts they wanted, even asking them what they wanted. Ive NEVER left either of them without even a happy birthday or apology if I forgot the day.
Its just my birthday is New Years Day, pretty hard to forget!
I got a brand new dog cage for Christmas last year. He still insists that I am ungrateful for a quality gift. I hope Santa leaves me a matching collar and lead this Christmas. I have been a good girl after all.
Was this as terrifying as it sounds? My sincere sympathy!
Wow. This sounds really horrible and borderline threatening. I hope you're OK 💗
@@cynthiaolson2428 we actually do have a dog and were in need of a new cage. The dog is sort of an escape artist. I didn't need the cage though. It would have been a better gift for the dog. It wasn't terrifying, more humiliating.
@@katem2411 it was horrible but not really threatening. A bear trap would probably be more threatening. I felt humiliated and demeaned, which is his intention, I assume.
@@glizzard1894 Thanks for the reply. Happy New Year!
Birthday gift as something edible with a lot of sugar to a diabetic from a relative who knows you're a diabetic. Thoughtful.
Happy (belated) Christmas! I’ll have your light bulbs if you don’t want them😅; they’ve gotten gold plated lately
Thanks!
You're welcome and thank you so much for your amazing support
All the kids get the same amount of cash.
Its easy - its equitable - no fuss, no muss.
And universally accepted. 🤠
As always Darren you’re ticking all the boxes , timely reminder for us 😁👍🏻
Thx you 💖reassuring and insightful 💖💖💖
Sir, you enlighten me to so much. To some of the things that you reveal, I can only 😳 because such would never cross my mind to do, such as ask for the receipt so that I can go and exchange the gift.
makin a list, checkin it twice .... thanking you Mr Magee, for the many things you have taught me this year.
Merry Christmas .....from Australia 🕷
[notice u lookin pretty fly today too .... very nice mate ... smoooth]
Mine just took back the birthday gift he got me 😂
I wanted a simple stone walkway so i didn't have to walk in the mud. He brings over sand for a sandpit right where I walk with large rocks to outline it. Now I can't walk there.
Happy Christmas x
When you have secret Santa and everyone sticks to the budget but the narcissist spends way more than anyone else then tells everyone it was them 😅
We worked in the same department. We had separated but our birthday which is a day apart was about 15 days away. At work he said he wanted to take us on a trip in front of everyone. I knew it was a performance. Later on in the evening I called and declined the offer. I knew this wasn't going to happen. It was a set up so when it didn't happen he could say at work he offered and but I was difficult. The day before my birthday which was a work day he bombarded my phone with texts and I couldn't sleep all night. I called off like he knew I would and then made a big show by putting an envelope on my desk. A coworker called to tell me. I refused it. It was all a performance. I put in my two weeks and got a better job.
Good for you! That can be so hard, but we are strong!
My narc mother wouldnt get me anything unless it was to show me off. I was an accessory in public at home the slave. 12 birthday forgot, all day i waited finally before dinner she handed me and old card with $5.00 maybe 10 cant remember. No gifts no cake no dinner. My best friends mom took her snd i too a fancy restaurant for her 12, took me years later to see, i never had a birthday party and kicked me out at 15 very abusive in all ways from birth. She disowned me told neighbors i was killed.
When a narcissist steals your money and then they give it to someone else they are trying to get favor with, then they are called politicians.
Just out of the fifth discard, she's understanding, and buying me everything I need. But attitude and demeanor is starting to flip, waiting on the flip.. last special occasion example from my experience, she ditched me and stayed away our 5th anniversary. Before that was my birthday, I had to call her... Sigh. We'll figure this narcissism out. And put it in its place.
Well, that sums up my husband’s father very well, and of course, my eldest sister.
Thank you.
I have noted that gifts are never actually meant in the same sense as everyone else basically something that someone else can borrow until they can take it back. They always ask about the use of their gift? Why aren't you wearing the watch !!! Or even lend out that gift to others.
As I said to my narcissistic abuser when they spoke of how they have changed, "same song, different verse."
So, my mom is a narcissist… I’m Turning 30 this week. My mom was attempting to do a surprise zoom call with my whole family at 4 on my birthday through my husband. My husband knows how I tend to react when I get a phone call and see “mom” as the caller ID, and warned me, which I’m very thankful for. In the email my mom sent him, she was saying she was sending a package for my birthday, that also had presents for him. I was hoping things would actually be different when it came to my birthday this year, and I don’t know if it’s ok that I feel like this as a grown woman. But for the past 7 years my mom has used Birthdays and Christmas as an excuse to get rid of junk she doesn’t want anymore. So she gives it to me or my brothers, who all have a similar confused and slightly irritated response. Is it wrong for me to want her to actually care to put some thought into what she gets me for my birthday? I hate being a garbage disposal for the junk she doesn’t want anymore. Also, she will give me half of a present and keep the rest for herself as well. One Christmas in particular she got me a “full size” makeup Sampler that she got from Macy’s. But when I open it, 8 out of 10 things are missing, and I’m expected to be grateful… I would never do that to someone because that is just downright disrespectful on all levels. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
No you’re right to feel that way. Don’t question yourself, trust that you know. My mum is the same - I’m 45 and had five years of therapy after going no contact aged 40. She’s heard I am getting divorced from family members so has started sending odd gifts and old photos of my husband and I when we were dating, addressed to both of us. They do it to torture us - your mum’s behaviour is not well meaning and it is not a mistake. There are others out there going through it too, you are not alone and your instincts and feelings are totally correct!
Nope !!!!
Whenever my ex gave me or the kids anything, he would find a reason to take it back and then hide it when you weren't looking, or "accidentally" break it. That was his way of letting you know that you did something he disapproved of. Such a petty, miserable creature. Never again.
It's a disaster. They either do "future-faking" and don't actually give you a gift or they give something that they got for free as a promotional item, or they buy something used and pass it off as new. Or they have combined motives: They saw that I had picked out a new computer to replace mine that was broken and now powerful enough for what I planned to use it for. So, they told me "Don't buy a computer. I'll get you one for Christmas". Mind you, Christmas was months away and my online studies were being delayed. Then they informed me that they were building the computer themselves (they had ZERO experience doing such a thing. Anyway, Christmas rolled around and the unfinished computer was put under the tree, not wrapped, but with a bow stuck on it. I was told that it would be ready soon... (more sabotage of my studies and other projects). It was finally ready around April or May and didn't have all the specs that I needed (SD card reader, etc.) and I was told indignantly to go buy one myself (so they could accuse me of being ungrateful). They also refused multiple times to ask for help from my relatives who had a lot of experience building their own computers. ugh. And the thing never worked correctly (and of course there was no one to turn to, since there was no warranty).
What about the “I wanted to get you X gift but didn’t have time or some other excuse”
Sounds like these narcissistic parents should be so less deserving of absolutely anything in their lives, even love. God forbid if their adult children hadnt realised their worst ever gift the narc parent could bestow on them was the same narc traits. Is it possible? I mean, behavour is learnt at the knee isnt it? 😢
This has been bothering me, every Christmas my siblings and cousins gift each other. There are two cousin sisters whom I felt shared good bond, I make sure I gift something good that they'd like, I myself shop at H&M, Zara, or Marks and Spencer etc. So I have gifted them clothes, jewellery, and accessories from the same brands and even better. But both of them instead of gifting me something good they bought a shirt from Max, they didn't even get shirt from each of them, they both together bought one mediocre shirt of cheap quality. I spend 4 times more on each of those sisters but in return I get one cheap shirt. If they were in a bad place financially then I wouldn't even mind but I know they are both doing very well, even better than me. The younger one used to get good gifts but the elder one seems to be influencing her now. "It's the thought that counts" I know, but here the thought seems that I am not that important or good enough to be gifted something nice. What should I do?
Anyone have someone tell them repeatedly how much the gift costs and stress how expensive it was ?? My mom does this and it ends up making me feel terrible that she spent too much and it also makes me feel angry bc I’m not sure what reaction she wants. It also feels very rude to me to share how much it cost
I really don't like chocolate, the no thought gift, which melts straight away in the high temperatures we always get in Xmas Australia
I turned down the gift of a car from the narc and they died a couple of weeks after that and disinherited me..... I feel like I've made a major breakthrough......... Turns out the car was a Toyota that can have a stuck gas pedal and it's very dangerous....
Siblings !
Great 👍🤩😍💖❤💗
Is the Imperial Star trooper in the background a gift?
Anyway merry Christmas.
It was from a while ago
@@DarrenFMagee And a Galaxy far far away. Have an exceptionally fine Christmas ..breathe in the nice humid cold air and spare a though for one of your subscribers in hot dry Australia
I love the Enterprise model 🖖
LOL! I hope those bulbs were soft white, LEDs.
My ex N bought me a crowbar for christmas... I do work with wood, to make furniture, but never use a crowbar. He gave that to me at a family function, kind of embarrassing and not very romantic.
My kids are adults now, I think they both know that I picked out & wrapped all the gifts. Their dad's part in it was that he paid for it. That was something I guess. Maybe I shouldn't complain. He had nothing else to do with it though, & never asked about what I bought or helped in any other way. Every birthday party was a chance for him to show off, serving the food & taking away the dishes as though he always did that but of course he didnt! It was just so the women could make a fuss over how wonderful he is & they wished their husbands did that! This year I bought some gifts for him, he gave me 3 gifts. All were chocolate from the grocery store. I feel bad for even complaining. I have to admit though, after the 1st 2, I was hoping that the 3rd was not chocolate. I even feel ungrateful saying that. Also to sound like a really ungrateful shrew, I can't believe he doesn't even know what kind I like after all this time. Of course we both ate them, not all of them yet because it was too much. Yes, same hubby who has had me in tears many times over the years for insulting my weight & body. Sigh. Once I bought him a Chrome book & he yelled & was so angry. It put a horrible damper on the day. He's still using it currently. It wasn't about the money, I'm not even sure why he was so angry. The kids & I were so upset. What a lovely Christmas morning that was! He had a way of ruining every special occasion though.
Mommy Dearest.
Solve the problem and tell the narc you can buy your own present. Or tell them what you want in front of witnesses, or in an email. Give them the same opportunity at the same value, again with witnesses or in email.
Graduate on the day you are no longer on the present list. Give yourself the present of freedom.
Gift giving help -, find out what the person genuinely needs or wants. Buy it. If it's expensive make it a group present.