People say I look young for my age... I always say the secret is lots of sleep deprivation and drug use. The only trade off is that I have no short term memory and only long term memory for obscure novelists and filmmakers, indie games, and abstract philosophical concepts.
what the fuck. I paused the video midway to watch the entirety of the Hackenbush video. The end of this video blindsided me. I stared at the screen unblinking, mouth open as it seemed like you were about to tell me that the person I just felt I had met through the most personal and beautiful introduction was gone. Owen's Hackenbush video was so well made. there was so much care in the construction, so much excitement in the way he narrated it. The way the video went from a 3blue1brown style mathematics video to almost a Bill Wurts type goofy video about a funny book. It was so personal. I'm so upset.
I saw that video back when it came out for the summer of math expo and it remains one of my favourite youtube videos ever (and i've seen a lot). It's stellar coverage of a fascinating subject and while Owen's death is tragic he's left a great legacy on the platform for those curious/lucky enough to find it.
Yeah, I know what you mean. I even subscribed to him in case he changed his mind and uploaded something like that again. I don't have the heart to unsubscribe again
As a mathematician, one of my favorite things about these hard as nails puzzle games is the way they give non-mathematicians a view into the world we work in, and make math more accessible to everyone. The way they ask you not to read a math book but to learn and do mathematics in a very deep sense. To prove theorems and find new consequences of old ideas. Thank you to team RBOR, Owen Maitzen, and anyone else who helps to share the stupid, esoteric, academic things they love with the world.
I don't see anyone talking about it, but i found the statement that "even math becomes subjective at a high enough level" one the most profound and beautiful things I've ever heard
Btw it’s not even that high of a level that math becomes like this, just be a pure math major in college and you’ll get a taste of that sort of creative problem solving/puzzling. Depending on the school the first class is probably gonna have a name like “introduction to real analysis” or “elementary abstract algebra” or something like that
i disagree... only at the extremely low level where you define the most fundamental axioms of logic, math is not objective. after that it is completely objective assuming those basic axioms are true. yes there is creativity in problem solving and finding a proof to a theorem, but the theorem is either true, false, or unprovable. none of these are subjective. only at a very abstract level with something like statistics does it actually become subjective, as it has way more legroom compared to other areas of math (e.g. arithmetic vs geometric mean can both be used, it only depends on preference even though their values are not usually the same)
@@fioscotm Yeah I was about to say. Formulating formal systems require an implicit background theory or meta-theory, which in turn must be formulated in a meta-meta-theory and so on. Either a formal system rests circularly on its own existence to be formulated, or there is an infinite regress of meta-theories, or the meta-theory is simply left informal. Mathematicians seem to mostly go with the last option. This is the Münchhausen Trilemma in epistemology -- its turtles all the way down.
Like with any patricia taxxon video, i got really emotional watching this. Patricia talks about hackenbush and owen maitzen in almost the same way i think about her, and knowing that man isn't around anymore shatters my heart even though i didnt even know he existed until now. Patricia's videos and music changed my life, and inspire me to keep going every day, and i hope she understands how important she is to so many people
The ending truly felt so close to my heart, me from three years ago could've never imagined how painful it actually is to lose someone you looked up to in such a way, but it also feels weird because they aren't really that close to you in the regular sense of the word which kinda makes it feel even worse
I had the privilege of being a part of Owen's closest online friend group, and what you said about never getting to talk with him rang a bell for me, even if I've been suppressing those emotions - I did get to talk to him, almost every day until shortly before the end, but I never got to hang out with him in person. We met as speedrunners in the Marble Blast community. As an aspiring composer myself, his music has probably had more of a tangible influence on my own style than any other musician I've encountered thus far. He was a true genius of our time that deserved an audience of millions, and an even more amazing person with an infectious sense of humor. I want to thank you for shedding light on his life through this video. and feel free to reach out to me if you ever need anything.
I relentlessly hated math in school, i think only Patricia Taxxon could convincingly articulate to me its complex beauty and leave me completely heartbroken, completely sold and completely star-struck. From a random internet stranger you dont know, thank you so much for your art.
There was a really good video that made me love math in a similar way to this one. It was by a furry RUclipsr named Quartz Husky (formerly Fjord Frost) the video was titled something along the lines of "why I love math (and why most people hate it)" It explained and articulated in the best way possible why math is taught in a boring way and the real way to learn math is through the fun parts you practice and learning why math is so important. He also talked about how you wouldn't call yourself musically inclined if you only learned notation but instruments were something that you only get to try when you get your masters degree. I wish I could find that video but the person privated their entire channel and it's been impossible for me at least to find the video, but apparently it's supposed to be archived on the internet archives but I can't find it.
As someone who had already watched the Hackenbush video at least three to five times over the course of my adult life, I was incredibly excited to see you talk about it, and devastated to learn what happened to Owen. I had subscribed to his channel in the hopes that he might create more videos like that one. I knew nothing about him personally until today, but I feel a deep loss nonetheless. The world is worse off without his beautiful creative mind. I am also all too familiar with the sort of pain he was in, but moments like these, when I see the ripples left behind by a life cut short, make me appreciate life more. Thanks for the amazing video as always, Patricia.
That ending was an emotional one. It sucks to know the fate of Owen and that I too, am grasping on to the ever fading music in my life. I'm afraid that one day I will lose my own mental war, yet it's moments like these... filled with such raw, intense emotion... that drives me to continue living. Rest in peace Owen.
3:41 *me who’s dumb ass had to google the solution to the first puzzle in Skyward Sword last night after a considerable effort* I will do no such thing ma’am
I'm so excited for you!! You've been working on this for so long, it's cool to finally see it out. I've never been a big puzzle game player despite loving general problem solving, but you're always able to make anything engaging through your raw passion for the subject. This game reminds me a lot of how people seem to be in an endless search in all games to make a calculator based on anything they can muster. The "main function" becomes a sort of afterthought compared to the consequences of every other little property imbued into the object (likely without thinking by other devs, but intentionally with this one) and using those details to push a game to its logical limits. My brain does not have the stuff necessary to find this process enjoyable, but I respect the hell out of people that do, and this game feels like a playground that captures that exact feeling.
Thank you for introducing me to this great channel through your Perfect Video Essays playlist! I don't know I would have found it otherwise, and its absolutely fantastic
@@misterbig97 Patricia's Celeste video changed my brain chemistry when it comes to art, and I'm super happy that I could get more people (and dogs) into her work!
That hackenbush video was truly something else. I have gone back to it time and time again, but when I learned of Owen’s death, I felt a lot of conflicting emotions. I went through his back catalogue of music, and read ‘Winning ways for your Mathematical Plays’ for myself before researching the Authors. I felt like I had missed out on something amazing. I didn’t know Owen. I just really appreciate his work, and respect his translation of the concept into a new medium. Patricia, I hope you are doing okay. I don’t know you, but I really really love your work. Your video essays have stuck out in my brain almost as a thumbnail for that year. I remember the time of day I watched them, and have fond memories of just walking after finishing. You have opened up so many new pathways for me to explore, and I really appreciate that. Thank you
There was a time in my life when art faded from me, too. I could not draw for a long time. Art is love to me and while I struggled with life it became harder to love, then impossible. Without the love, my works became mechanical and empty and I stopped. But I healed, somehow, it is coming back. You... well I do not really know you, do I? But you are obviously very smart, honest and aware of what is going on inside you. No other artist here has earned this much respect from me. I think you can do this too. Oh and... this is probably inappropriate but my heart would not let my make this comment without this: If I can help, I gladly will.
While there were many monster bombs that were set in motion throughout this video, the warning at the start about suicide took the longest and had the biggest impact.
I forgot I seriously fucking forgot This video was so fucking good I needed this right now It’s been so long since I’ve felt actual emotions and not just this same day after day shit, I’ve gone so long without feeling anything I forgot how fucking beautiful life and creativity and passion is because I couldn’t see anything past all the crap in my head. For 20 straight minutes and cried like a little bitch and laughed like a maniac and it was so so nice. That was all though, it was a little taste of the opposite of not feeling anything for a little while and it’s gone again but it was enough to remind me of what I’m aiming for. I really hope I can get to the point where I can enjoy life again, see the beauty the enjoyment the little shit I used to like about it. Eventually, I’ll get there. I’m still depressed I didn’t magically get cured or anything I just had a moment that felt like what life is supposed to feel like and not the crap I deal with daily. Idk I felt like sharing, sorry if this is weird or cheesy or if it sounds dumb but it’s been so long since I’ve felt anything that wasn’t stress that this just kinda hit me really hard. I’ma post this as soon as I can cuz ik I’ma immediately think about all the reasons I shouldn’t or whatever idk this seems like the kind of thing I could only post in the middle of the night where I'm to tired to overthink things uh idk.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It reminded me of where I started, just over two years ago. It reminded me of my first glimpse at peace, just a few breaths long, this time last year. "I just had a moment that felt like what life is supposed to feel like"
Omg, it's me! Thanks for the reminder about that nightmare of a puzzle, haha. Bean and Nothingness is a great game and I'm really glad to see you highlighting it. It's possible you mentioned it in the video and I missed it, but I hope you try Alex Diener's new game, Leaf's Odyssey. It's a similar kind of game to Bean and Nothingness - turn-based with other characters/enemies that move as you move, sometimes called "stepping games". And it's excellent!
It’s weird to get to the end of a video and then see it’s thumbnail in your watch history and then cry over the image you thought was weird and quirky when you first saw it like 4 hours ago. Powerful stuff, thanks for the experience and sorry for our loss
I haven't cried while watching a RUclips video since I saw Owen's final upload and learned what happened to him. I also know what it's like for music to simply lose some of it's... lustre. I've been trying to get back into writing music for the las two years and all I have are a bunch of projects that don't lead anywhere, but I still want to keep writing. Listening to Owen's music might have just been the last bit of inspiration I needed to get back. I'm glad that even if his music didn't quite resonate with Owen anymore, it still managed to bring new life into me. This video was a beautiful tribute to him and the entire field of math. The Hackenbush video changed my life when I first saw it. Like you said, it was a vision of what could be my future and it inspired me to pursue an education in math. Getting to the end of this video and seeing the wonderful drawing of a hackenbush flower with the value up really was the perfect conclusion. Thank you for all you've done over the years. I might not have Owen to tell me about the wonderful world of math, but I still have you. Parasocial as it may be, I feel a deep connection listening to you talk about all my interests. Music, obscure puzzle games, marbles, echo. Thank you. I hope you stick around a while longer. I will try to as well.
I jumped to his video right after you finished recommending it and saw the comments about his passing underneath. It took a few minutes but I remembered your content warning and my heart utterly sank. It is a cruel irony of this world that those who are worth the very most can find themselves feeling worthless. It will always be a lie. For him, and for you, Patricia.
Thank you, Patty, for... everything you make. Genuinely, I don't think I'd be here to have this experience without the hope I somehow felt from your previous works. You're a phenomenal artist. I needed this today.
I can't say we have a lot in common, Patricia. Our interests and hobbies are very different, if your videos are anything to go by. But I can say we have shared similar thrills in coming up with obscure solutions to loosely defined problems. That sense that you've not only figured out how to build something, but what it is that you needed to build, even what tools you need to build to before you can even start never fails to send a rush down my spine. In a very fundamental way, I think that's what I was made for, in the way other people might feel they were meant to be artists, I was meant to be an engineer. That's the spark that keeps me going. I've felt it fade before and that empty guttering sensation in the soul is indescribable to anyone who hasn't felt it. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you hear the music again. I hope everyone who doesn't comes to hear it again one day. I love you
I have thought long and hard about what to write in this comment. I have written and deleted entire paragraphs, desperately trying to express my sheer appreciation for your work. So thank you. I do not know what it must feel like to have the music die - something that I am extremely grateful for - but I do want to let you know just how much your videos meant to me. Ever since your Marble Blast videos, I have tuned into your videos just to listen to your rants, that were somehow thoughtful and nuanced and deeply and intensly pashionate at the same time. So thank you! Thank you for your analysis, thank you for your time, thank you for all of the work and effort you put into making your Art. Because that what these videos are: Art. Thank you for the ways you made me feel: the tears I shed, the laughs you made bubble up from inside of me, the intense fascination you always seem to awaken in me. So thank you... I just wanted to say that I'm thankful, and if your music ever did die out completely, that I would miss you. You may not know me, and I may not really know you. But you made my life a little brighter... So thank you, and I hope you'll stick around!
I'd say that video's ending had tonal whiplash but you were eluding to something through the whole video. I can feel your grief, especially at a friend lost, now one that you'll never have the chance to connect with. But here's to you and all the friends you have yet to make. To the new relations forged and old flames rekindled. To everything on your way to the top. Wherever that leads you.
You should have heard me squeal when I saw “Hackenbush” pop up on the screen. As someone who wants to go far into math in my life, that is the video that I feel truly “gets it,” and it has been equal parts affirmational and inspirational since it first graced my brain. It’s wild to see that video connect back to MB (my favorite game) and now you (the objectively best video essayist on RUclips), weaving a special web through the internet that gives faith these things are more than a scattered set of interests but a way of thinking that I aspire to. Thank you for mentioning it… truly made my year. Rest in peace Owen. Edit: I finished the video, and it just turns out that it’s literally just you giving a thematic analysis of math. Patricia Taxxon made a math video. My life is tied in a circle now. What this video did for me is not that important though. I deeply hope making this helps you process. Do what you need to do to stay healthy girl.
this feels a little silly to say, and also quite parasocial, but your video essays always seem to make me cry. they touch on parts of my soul i've always been too scared to look at myself. you're very very skilled at what you do- this video was an incredible experience. thank you
What started as a simple review for a puzzle game that I will never play slowly cascaded into a venture through the supposedly simple seemingly rule defined path of most academic professions and passions, that reveal themselves to be more grand and complicated and beautiful than could have been imagined. Art. But then the story becomes a more personal reminiscing and self reflection that deeply hurt to think about given how oddly I relate to specific parts of your emotionally stimulating ramblings. Not of course with any intention on your part. I’m glad I am able to still feel such things so strongly, and I thank you for that.
Goodbye Owen. I too wish I could've know you. I'm also working on a reason to continue living. I'm relatively okay for now, and am getting more stable, but...I'm all too familiar with the existential dread of nothingness, the bitter self critisicm and, many other thoughts that make one suicidal. Take care Owen, wherever you are. You too Patricia. I don't know exactly how it is for you, but you are not alone with these kinds of struggles. I hope things get better for you, and you find some peace. You deserve some happiness.
Thank you for telling more people about hackenbush and showing the same reverence for Owen that I felt and making me weep for him again this morning. I hope your music doesn't stop
Seeing you stim over anything is always a treat ^ ^ i personally hate puzzles but your energy is so infectious, I felt like I could experience it with you! ... I'm sorry to hear there's tragedy to this too, along with the beauty. Hang in there please. And thank you.
What incredibly moving video. You articulated exactly the joy that's driving me to a math minor. It's an infinite field that you can explore in any direction with your operators. And what a display of personalization. The conclusion hit me hard. Even though I had not watched Hackenbush yet, you provided the perfect amount to hook me, and thus get hit by the conclusion and empathize with someone I'll never know. Really good video.
As a neuro divergent person i tend to feel very muted to my emotions. Watching this video got me on a rollercoaster of emotions. Joy from listening to someone's passion for a game that is franckly amazing in concept. Utter euphoria to when you mentioned, probably, the most enticing piece of maths i have encountered. And finally, despair as i related to your part about the tragedy of Owen because i related to all you said. I've had even less interaction with Owen than you did and yet they moved me. I keep quoting them. I keep sharing their love of the subject and their playfulness. Knowing what happened now makes me glad to be able to let them live on through what they made me feel. Thank you Patricia, for being such an amazing creator and making me fall down obssession holes. My life is better for having found you.
the ending SHATTERED me i was left speechless for 10 minutes with my mind running all over the place while being hit with several emotions not knowing what to feel this is an amazingly well put together video and is extremely powerful emotionally
I waited to watch this video until finishing Bean and Nothingness, and I'm glad I did because it has quickly become one of my favourite games. There was one thing nagging me about the story in the game, which this video ornamented in an incredibly poetic way that I'm still recovering from. Towards the end of the game it's revealed that Frank and Michelle built a whole new life and started a family in their new environment, and at the time this really tested my ability to suspend disbelief. I sympathised more with Karl: "The others seem so content with what we've built here, [...] but even after all this time I still wake up every morning expecting to hear my children in the next room." The idea of leaving the pressures and trappings of life behind and escaping to a fantastical world of endless research felt appealing but also unimaginable to me. As a maths PhD student myself, I could see it as a metaphor for the time spent lost in thought solving puzzles, but it felt like there was something else I was missing... But now I think of Owen, someone I naively thought of as similar to myself, but whose own experience of the pressures and trappings of life was clearly impossibly different, enough to leave that life behind completely. And it makes me question my own ego, and reveals that I don't truly understand anyone, that my images of others are just projections of my own obsessions and insecurities. Just as I need to make peace with Owen's passing, I need to accept that Michelle and Frank can be happy on their own terms. I don't think I had stomached either of those things until I watched this video, so thank you!
The ending hit me in a really raw spot. I also kinda feel like the "music", or in my case the "prose" is slowly fading from my life and my mind. I loved writing and making stories, and creating worlds, but after some stuff in mid 2012 I just... lost it. I found myself just unable to do it anymore. No more ideas or characters or places or things. Just small sparks that would promise something larger only to fade. It gives way to the unending tide of self criticism and loathing. I feel like I'm in a fight with my own mind and emotions at times. Sometimes it feels like i go on until my knuckles are raw and bloody. But in spite of that, i want to be here. Maybe I'll find my drive again after losing it. Thank you for this, Patty.
Yet another patricia taxxon video that makes me cry rivers over things whose existence I was completely oblivious of just some minutes ago. Thanks, Patricia THE Taxxon RIP Owen Maitzen
this video was so deeply impactful. not really described perfectly, but it vibed with me consistently throughout, from airy start to heavy finish. please never stop curating every inch of yourself, because you bring me and so many others a level of purely autistic joy and wonder, losing ourselves in a world where we can let our passion flow freely. i find myself coming back to your albums, soaking every piece of emotion youve wrote and using it to decompile my own feelings, and your essays always seem to touch further than so many others. stay bright, puppy. we've all got so much to share. thank you.
I love when one of a video's main goals seems to be for you to stop watching it (and go play the game, in this case). Hard puzzles are tough for me to get into, so I still might go play it later but some spoilers are necessary to convince me. However I got Excited at such a strong recommendation for a math essay that I tabbed out immediately. Only, how could I have doubted myself, I've already seen that video. It was as great as you say.
25:39 It is!! Please continue! I love your videos and enjoy hearing about your interests!! You consistently scratch an itch in my silly brain and I wish to continue listening to you infodump /pos 💚
There's something brilliant in comparing the mastery of a long-sought skill with body euphoria. As an incredibly bad artist, It's very rare for me to feel like anyone understands.
despite generally disliking playing puzzle games and having never even heard of this game before today, i did actually, factually, almost involuntarily let out a guttural shout upon hearing the mechanic for the 10th island
im pretty dumb so... seeing you be excited about very smart things makes me see the smart thing from the eyes of a smart person... i enjoy it. and i appreciate it. Thank you
that was such a good video and i had to do a double take at the end its nice that you made a final word for someone you cared about to give a final goodbye to someone you loved
there is nothing to be said that i feel can truly make life living, individually, from a stranger. but i hope you stick around. there's lots the world has to offer, good bad and everything inbetween, that is still worth experiencing
thank you for this video i remember seeing your almost daily tumblr posts about Bean and Nothingness while you were playing it the passion in which you just "explain the solutions to a puzzle game" as you reductively call it mimics how i feel passionatly describing how i performed an effective turn in a Tactical TTRPG something i incredibly relate to as a neurodivergent animal myself :p that ending felt like a real punch in the chest too to barely know someone and still feel grief at there passing is a very strange misfortune of our current age one i have also had to grapple with take care of yourself patty
Hey. I'm glad you're around. Sometimes I find your work a little intimidating, but in a good way, like how a roller coaster can be a little scary. I enjoy watching you talk about and play these games that are all way too brainy for me, this is probably the only way I'm going to see what you see in them. So I guess thanks, for bottling a little of that for us non-puzzle people. And also thanks for being a puppy. ur a good puppy!!!
after finishing this video and taking a break during it to question what it means to be art and how i like art and every other question about it under the sun i am saddled by feelings i didn't know i could feel. it feels like a punch to the get but the most loving embrace of someone that i only knew in passing but still cared for, it feels like i found a piece of me that i didn't know was there and will have to rethink everything i know again and again, it's warm and fuzzy and yet an endless pit in my gut that goes into an abyss. this is truly something special and i love that it exists and that you made it, i love a lot of things you make and this one is at home with all the other things i love dearly :3
On one hand, Patricia is BACK! On the other hand, WHAT HAVE U DONE TO MY BRAIN?! On the other, other hand, that ending was a beautiful piece of poetry.
The pre-video viewing comments: "Woohoo, Patricia is back!" The post-video viewing comments: "The emotional damage and whiplash I feel after such an escalation of passion for puzzling and pefroming stuff at high levels of skill; T H E F E E L S !!!
Video Essays have become one of my favourite forms of media over the years, and of the video essayists I've watched, only some make it the art that it deserves to be. Of all of those artists, you are one of the best. Every piece you create makes me feel like you've shared a piece of your soul, lets me see the world through new eyes. It is a truly beautiful experience to view your works. Thank you. There is no doubt in my mind that you are an artist.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you are more valuable than the things you make or do. Even if you accomplish nothing you are still valuable. Don’t give up.
I paused this video to go watch the Hackenbush one, and the sheer love of weird math, and the clear engagement, was my first and only knowledge of the creator before coming back and seeing the end of this and god Man. Fuck.
the sheer creativity is fucking wild, like it goes 'learn the ropes' -> 'apply your knowledge' -> 'screw the rules, go bend them'. Like the exact process of learning anything when super passionate. I don't think i've ever seen a game be able to pull this off before or quite to this extent, and the amount of work just establishing/concepting/testing all of this makes my brain hurt. Feel like most games end at the 'apply knowledge' step, and you don't really ask your players to go nutz like this.
this is why I love your art, from music where you can clearly feel the "you" in it to my favourite form your essays, and how much of you is really in them. I didnt know him I dont think any of us did but I know you would have made him happy, you made us all feel how you did. I love how you let your voice go tight and let us know your eyes aren't dry, you art is always so full of emotions I know im bad at putting it in words but that you for make this video :)
What I am about to write is rather strange and personal. I guarantee no value from reading other than my own, and engagement is neither desired nor requested. I've no desire for the parasocial anyhow. But having just heard your words regretting not reaching out sooner, and ruminating on such wishes from my personal experiences, I feel compelled to write nonetheless. Perhaps this is a sole gasping breath from a soul buried alive. Perhaps the outro music put me in a pensive mood. Who's to say. I can't claim to be to you what you were to Owen. I am not a scholar, nor a musician; no mathematician nor artist, close as the two may be. The passion you shared with him, the divine beauty found in the pursuit of knowledge, that which makes us human; it's just not something I can relate to. Generally speaking, I've been bereft of such passion. Oftentimes I'll find myself listening to friends and creators, full of love for the discovery and exploration of their fields of interests, and find myself envious in some regard. Perhaps I'm just not built for it. Not to say I pity myself, far from it; if passion is what bestows ur humanity, then I'm content to be something other than human. Either way I'll live, that much is sure. But I cannot claim to feel that camaraderie you felt with Owen, nor understand the pain. To speak to a more general truth, we have virtually nothing in common. We will never breathe the same air, nor look up and see the same blue sky. But when I watch your videos, I feel something. When I picked up your Don't Hug Me I'm Scared analysis, where you tossed aside any implications of generally accepted half-truths and 'lore implications' to speak to the emotional truth of the work; how this bizarre, violent world that made no sense spoke to the experiences of a neglected, abused autistic child, I felt like a strong gust of wind had blown away the dark smog inside my mind, like I could think clearly again and recognize old truths of the world long obscured. When dove into your heartfelt review of the Spring 2020 Celeste mod collab showcase, heard your explanation of how utilizing different mechanics and environment orderings to create new levels was basically just employing characters and settings to create stories, I felt like the candy coating and sugary frosting that were the game's story and music were now supported by a lovingly crafted mechanical cake, complimenting the former two but no less delicious in its own right. When I covered my eyes and skimmed through the final points of your Funny games video, a film I find myself too disturbed to engage with in full, I found myself vindicated in my choices (or perhaps not, my thoughts on the film are messy. I think your last line sums it up perfectly). Your furry video gave me a new, joyous appreciation of the life and culture of dog girls; your Marble Blast video enraptured me like jingling keys might a newborn babe; and this video, in turn, has left me enraptured with a novel puzzle game I would otherwise not be able to experience. That is all to say, I like your videos. I cannot call what I feel inspiration, but it is something. Your accomplishments in these videos are both novel and valuable, and for that you have my thanks. I will not attribute to this hulking comment some grand moral or imperative to deliver to you. My only goal with this is to speak my mind, which I hope I have adequately done. So, uh, good job.
Hey, I love your videos (and a lot of your music) but I can't always watch some of the more depressing stuff because of my anxiety. I bought Bean and Nothingness so that I could play it before watching the video. I've only played a little bit, but I haven't really played a lot of puzzle games before. I bounced off "Baba is You" pretty quickly, but B&N has really grabbed me so far!
Please. Stay for as long as you’re able. Please
this has to be so weird to see at the top of the comments for someone who hasn't seen the video yet. it is true asf tho
it's bean and nothingness... you bean and you
I’m not suprised by this
It’s you! (I like you)
Me when the jan is misali
it's the you from the things!
i too am an avid beaner and
also sorry for bothering you about the toki pona lesson video that one time
good news is that I have a shitty memory so I can play the game like new even after the video
based 🤝
same lmao just gotta wait a few days
Yoooooo shitty memory gang
People say I look young for my age... I always say the secret is lots of sleep deprivation and drug use. The only trade off is that I have no short term memory and only long term memory for obscure novelists and filmmakers, indie games, and abstract philosophical concepts.
Heartwarming: Grandpa with Alzheimer's gets to play Outer Wilds for the first time again
what the fuck. I paused the video midway to watch the entirety of the Hackenbush video. The end of this video blindsided me. I stared at the screen unblinking, mouth open as it seemed like you were about to tell me that the person I just felt I had met through the most personal and beautiful introduction was gone. Owen's Hackenbush video was so well made. there was so much care in the construction, so much excitement in the way he narrated it. The way the video went from a 3blue1brown style mathematics video to almost a Bill Wurts type goofy video about a funny book. It was so personal. I'm so upset.
I saw that video back when it came out for the summer of math expo and it remains one of my favourite youtube videos ever (and i've seen a lot). It's stellar coverage of a fascinating subject and while Owen's death is tragic he's left a great legacy on the platform for those curious/lucky enough to find it.
Thermograph of oof
Yeah, I know what you mean. I even subscribed to him in case he changed his mind and uploaded something like that again.
I don't have the heart to unsubscribe again
PATRICIA TAXXON VIDEO LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
YAY!!! YAY!!!
WOOOOOOOOO
YIPPPEEE
As a mathematician, one of my favorite things about these hard as nails puzzle games is the way they give non-mathematicians a view into the world we work in, and make math more accessible to everyone. The way they ask you not to read a math book but to learn and do mathematics in a very deep sense. To prove theorems and find new consequences of old ideas.
Thank you to team RBOR, Owen Maitzen, and anyone else who helps to share the stupid, esoteric, academic things they love with the world.
I don't see anyone talking about it, but i found the statement that "even math becomes subjective at a high enough level" one the most profound and beautiful things I've ever heard
That and "All things academic will eventually become art at a high enough level."
Btw it’s not even that high of a level that math becomes like this, just be a pure math major in college and you’ll get a taste of that sort of creative problem solving/puzzling. Depending on the school the first class is probably gonna have a name like “introduction to real analysis” or “elementary abstract algebra” or something like that
i disagree... only at the extremely low level where you define the most fundamental axioms of logic, math is not objective. after that it is completely objective assuming those basic axioms are true.
yes there is creativity in problem solving and finding a proof to a theorem, but the theorem is either true, false, or unprovable. none of these are subjective.
only at a very abstract level with something like statistics does it actually become subjective, as it has way more legroom compared to other areas of math (e.g. arithmetic vs geometric mean can both be used, it only depends on preference even though their values are not usually the same)
Yes, and this is true because the subjectivity arises from there existing multiple perspectives.
@@fioscotm Yeah I was about to say. Formulating formal systems require an implicit background theory or meta-theory, which in turn must be formulated in a meta-meta-theory and so on. Either a formal system rests circularly on its own existence to be formulated, or there is an infinite regress of meta-theories, or the meta-theory is simply left informal. Mathematicians seem to mostly go with the last option.
This is the Münchhausen Trilemma in epistemology -- its turtles all the way down.
Like with any patricia taxxon video, i got really emotional watching this. Patricia talks about hackenbush and owen maitzen in almost the same way i think about her, and knowing that man isn't around anymore shatters my heart even though i didnt even know he existed until now. Patricia's videos and music changed my life, and inspire me to keep going every day, and i hope she understands how important she is to so many people
The ending truly felt so close to my heart, me from three years ago could've never imagined how painful it actually is to lose someone you looked up to in such a way, but it also feels weird because they aren't really that close to you in the regular sense of the word which kinda makes it feel even worse
I had the privilege of being a part of Owen's closest online friend group, and what you said about never getting to talk with him rang a bell for me, even if I've been suppressing those emotions - I did get to talk to him, almost every day until shortly before the end, but I never got to hang out with him in person. We met as speedrunners in the Marble Blast community. As an aspiring composer myself, his music has probably had more of a tangible influence on my own style than any other musician I've encountered thus far. He was a true genius of our time that deserved an audience of millions, and an even more amazing person with an infectious sense of humor. I want to thank you for shedding light on his life through this video. and feel free to reach out to me if you ever need anything.
I relentlessly hated math in school, i think only Patricia Taxxon could convincingly articulate to me its complex beauty and leave me completely heartbroken, completely sold and completely star-struck. From a random internet stranger you dont know, thank you so much for your art.
There was a really good video that made me love math in a similar way to this one.
It was by a furry RUclipsr named Quartz Husky (formerly Fjord Frost) the video was titled something along the lines of "why I love math (and why most people hate it)"
It explained and articulated in the best way possible why math is taught in a boring way and the real way to learn math is through the fun parts you practice and learning why math is so important.
He also talked about how you wouldn't call yourself musically inclined if you only learned notation but instruments were something that you only get to try when you get your masters degree.
I wish I could find that video but the person privated their entire channel and it's been impossible for me at least to find the video, but apparently it's supposed to be archived on the internet archives but I can't find it.
love how everyone is yelling "babe wake up new patricia taxxon video" bc thats exactly the same thought I had
the ending was genuinely so beautiful for a analysis of a puzzle game 😭😭😭
As someone who had already watched the Hackenbush video at least three to five times over the course of my adult life, I was incredibly excited to see you talk about it, and devastated to learn what happened to Owen. I had subscribed to his channel in the hopes that he might create more videos like that one. I knew nothing about him personally until today, but I feel a deep loss nonetheless. The world is worse off without his beautiful creative mind.
I am also all too familiar with the sort of pain he was in, but moments like these, when I see the ripples left behind by a life cut short, make me appreciate life more. Thanks for the amazing video as always, Patricia.
That ending was an emotional one. It sucks to know the fate of Owen and that I too, am grasping on to the ever fading music in my life. I'm afraid that one day I will lose my own mental war, yet it's moments like these... filled with such raw, intense emotion... that drives me to continue living.
Rest in peace Owen.
GIRL ACTIVITY
GIRL ACTIVITY
Something something flicking beans you smart people figure out the joke
Vriska did nothing wrong
>>
Dog activity.
3:41 *me who’s dumb ass had to google the solution to the first puzzle in Skyward Sword last night after a considerable effort* I will do no such thing ma’am
i havent touched that game in years cause i couldnt get pastbthat puzzle and was too proud to look it up
@@odothedoll2738 me when I play any video game after two drinks
OMG HI WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
@@pbjwizard 👋🏻🫶🏻
@@pbjwizard hello friendo palo!
I'm so excited for you!! You've been working on this for so long, it's cool to finally see it out. I've never been a big puzzle game player despite loving general problem solving, but you're always able to make anything engaging through your raw passion for the subject. This game reminds me a lot of how people seem to be in an endless search in all games to make a calculator based on anything they can muster. The "main function" becomes a sort of afterthought compared to the consequences of every other little property imbued into the object (likely without thinking by other devs, but intentionally with this one) and using those details to push a game to its logical limits.
My brain does not have the stuff necessary to find this process enjoyable, but I respect the hell out of people that do, and this game feels like a playground that captures that exact feeling.
Hello TheCursedJudge (true)
Thank you for introducing me to this great channel through your Perfect Video Essays playlist! I don't know I would have found it otherwise, and its absolutely fantastic
@@misterbig97 Patricia's Celeste video changed my brain chemistry when it comes to art, and I'm super happy that I could get more people (and dogs) into her work!
I highly relate to not being able to get enough enjoyment out of puzzle games despite in theory having the kind of brain that is made for them.
That hackenbush video was truly something else. I have gone back to it time and time again, but when I learned of Owen’s death, I felt a lot of conflicting emotions. I went through his back catalogue of music, and read ‘Winning ways for your Mathematical Plays’ for myself before researching the Authors. I felt like I had missed out on something amazing. I didn’t know Owen. I just really appreciate his work, and respect his translation of the concept into a new medium.
Patricia, I hope you are doing okay. I don’t know you, but I really really love your work. Your video essays have stuck out in my brain almost as a thumbnail for that year. I remember the time of day I watched them, and have fond memories of just walking after finishing. You have opened up so many new pathways for me to explore, and I really appreciate that. Thank you
There was a time in my life when art faded from me, too. I could not draw for a long time. Art is love to me and while I struggled with life it became harder to love, then impossible. Without the love, my works became mechanical and empty and I stopped. But I healed, somehow, it is coming back. You... well I do not really know you, do I? But you are obviously very smart, honest and aware of what is going on inside you. No other artist here has earned this much respect from me. I think you can do this too.
Oh and... this is probably inappropriate but my heart would not let my make this comment without this: If I can help, I gladly will.
While there were many monster bombs that were set in motion throughout this video, the warning at the start about suicide took the longest and had the biggest impact.
tru
I forgot
I seriously fucking forgot
This video was so fucking good I needed this right now
It’s been so long since I’ve felt actual emotions and not just this same day after day shit, I’ve gone so long without feeling anything I forgot how fucking beautiful life and creativity and passion is because I couldn’t see anything past all the crap in my head. For 20 straight minutes and cried like a little bitch and laughed like a maniac and it was so so nice. That was all though, it was a little taste of the opposite of not feeling anything for a little while and it’s gone again but it was enough to remind me of what I’m aiming for. I really hope I can get to the point where I can enjoy life again, see the beauty the enjoyment the little shit I used to like about it. Eventually, I’ll get there. I’m still depressed I didn’t magically get cured or anything I just had a moment that felt like what life is supposed to feel like and not the crap I deal with daily. Idk I felt like sharing, sorry if this is weird or cheesy or if it sounds dumb but it’s been so long since I’ve felt anything that wasn’t stress that this just kinda hit me really hard.
I’ma post this as soon as I can cuz ik I’ma immediately think about all the reasons I shouldn’t or whatever idk this seems like the kind of thing I could only post in the middle of the night where I'm to tired to overthink things uh idk.
I'll cheer for you, internet stranger, cheer for you to find what you lost.
I wish you the strength to go on and the focus to never loose sight of your goal.
Here's hoping it comes back in a way that blindsides you as hard as this did, in a far more permanent fashion.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It reminded me of where I started, just over two years ago. It reminded me of my first glimpse at peace, just a few breaths long, this time last year. "I just had a moment that felt like what life is supposed to feel like"
wishing you hope, luck, discovery, and lasting positive feeling. we all wish you the best
Omg, it's me! Thanks for the reminder about that nightmare of a puzzle, haha. Bean and Nothingness is a great game and I'm really glad to see you highlighting it.
It's possible you mentioned it in the video and I missed it, but I hope you try Alex Diener's new game, Leaf's Odyssey. It's a similar kind of game to Bean and Nothingness - turn-based with other characters/enemies that move as you move, sometimes called "stepping games". And it's excellent!
She's played and recommended it on her tumblr! And on Alex Diener's developer commentaries she's left several comments on her thoughts
@@Person.1234 Ah, awesome!
It’s weird to get to the end of a video and then see it’s thumbnail in your watch history and then cry over the image you thought was weird and quirky when you first saw it like 4 hours ago. Powerful stuff, thanks for the experience and sorry for our loss
I haven't cried while watching a RUclips video since I saw Owen's final upload and learned what happened to him. I also know what it's like for music to simply lose some of it's... lustre. I've been trying to get back into writing music for the las two years and all I have are a bunch of projects that don't lead anywhere, but I still want to keep writing. Listening to Owen's music might have just been the last bit of inspiration I needed to get back. I'm glad that even if his music didn't quite resonate with Owen anymore, it still managed to bring new life into me. This video was a beautiful tribute to him and the entire field of math. The Hackenbush video changed my life when I first saw it. Like you said, it was a vision of what could be my future and it inspired me to pursue an education in math. Getting to the end of this video and seeing the wonderful drawing of a hackenbush flower with the value up really was the perfect conclusion. Thank you for all you've done over the years. I might not have Owen to tell me about the wonderful world of math, but I still have you. Parasocial as it may be, I feel a deep connection listening to you talk about all my interests. Music, obscure puzzle games, marbles, echo. Thank you. I hope you stick around a while longer. I will try to as well.
I jumped to his video right after you finished recommending it and saw the comments about his passing underneath. It took a few minutes but I remembered your content warning and my heart utterly sank.
It is a cruel irony of this world that those who are worth the very most can find themselves feeling worthless.
It will always be a lie. For him, and for you, Patricia.
Thank you, Patty, for... everything you make. Genuinely, I don't think I'd be here to have this experience without the hope I somehow felt from your previous works.
You're a phenomenal artist.
I needed this today.
I can't say we have a lot in common, Patricia. Our interests and hobbies are very different, if your videos are anything to go by. But I can say we have shared similar thrills in coming up with obscure solutions to loosely defined problems. That sense that you've not only figured out how to build something, but what it is that you needed to build, even what tools you need to build to before you can even start never fails to send a rush down my spine. In a very fundamental way, I think that's what I was made for, in the way other people might feel they were meant to be artists, I was meant to be an engineer. That's the spark that keeps me going. I've felt it fade before and that empty guttering sensation in the soul is indescribable to anyone who hasn't felt it.
From the bottom of my heart, I hope you hear the music again. I hope everyone who doesn't comes to hear it again one day. I love you
I have thought long and hard about what to write in this comment.
I have written and deleted entire paragraphs, desperately trying to express my sheer appreciation for your work.
So thank you.
I do not know what it must feel like to have the music die - something that I am extremely grateful for - but I do want to let you know just how much your videos meant to me. Ever since your Marble Blast videos, I have tuned into your videos just to listen to your rants, that were somehow thoughtful and nuanced and deeply and intensly pashionate at the same time.
So thank you!
Thank you for your analysis, thank you for your time, thank you for all of the work and effort you put into making your Art.
Because that what these videos are: Art.
Thank you for the ways you made me feel: the tears I shed, the laughs you made bubble up from inside of me, the intense fascination you always seem to awaken in me.
So thank you...
I just wanted to say that I'm thankful, and if your music ever did die out completely, that I would miss you.
You may not know me, and I may not really know you.
But you made my life a little brighter...
So thank you, and I hope you'll stick around!
I'd say that video's ending had tonal whiplash but you were eluding to something through the whole video. I can feel your grief, especially at a friend lost, now one that you'll never have the chance to connect with.
But here's to you and all the friends you have yet to make. To the new relations forged and old flames rekindled. To everything on your way to the top. Wherever that leads you.
You should have heard me squeal when I saw “Hackenbush” pop up on the screen. As someone who wants to go far into math in my life, that is the video that I feel truly “gets it,” and it has been equal parts affirmational and inspirational since it first graced my brain. It’s wild to see that video connect back to MB (my favorite game) and now you (the objectively best video essayist on RUclips), weaving a special web through the internet that gives faith these things are more than a scattered set of interests but a way of thinking that I aspire to. Thank you for mentioning it… truly made my year.
Rest in peace Owen.
Edit: I finished the video, and it just turns out that it’s literally just you giving a thematic analysis of math. Patricia Taxxon made a math video. My life is tied in a circle now. What this video did for me is not that important though. I deeply hope making this helps you process. Do what you need to do to stay healthy girl.
this feels a little silly to say, and also quite parasocial, but your video essays always seem to make me cry. they touch on parts of my soul i've always been too scared to look at myself. you're very very skilled at what you do- this video was an incredible experience. thank you
What started as a simple review for a puzzle game that I will never play slowly cascaded into a venture through the supposedly simple seemingly rule defined path of most academic professions and passions, that reveal themselves to be more grand and complicated and beautiful than could have been imagined. Art. But then the story becomes a more personal reminiscing and self reflection that deeply hurt to think about given how oddly I relate to specific parts of your emotionally stimulating ramblings. Not of course with any intention on your part. I’m glad I am able to still feel such things so strongly, and I thank you for that.
Goodbye Owen. I too wish I could've know you. I'm also working on a reason to continue living. I'm relatively okay for now, and am getting more stable, but...I'm all too familiar with the existential dread of nothingness, the bitter self critisicm and, many other thoughts that make one suicidal. Take care Owen, wherever you are. You too Patricia. I don't know exactly how it is for you, but you are not alone with these kinds of struggles. I hope things get better for you, and you find some peace. You deserve some happiness.
Thank you for telling more people about hackenbush and showing the same reverence for Owen that I felt and making me weep for him again this morning. I hope your music doesn't stop
Seeing you stim over anything is always a treat ^ ^ i personally hate puzzles but your energy is so infectious, I felt like I could experience it with you!
... I'm sorry to hear there's tragedy to this too, along with the beauty. Hang in there please. And thank you.
What incredibly moving video. You articulated exactly the joy that's driving me to a math minor. It's an infinite field that you can explore in any direction with your operators.
And what a display of personalization. The conclusion hit me hard. Even though I had not watched Hackenbush yet, you provided the perfect amount to hook me, and thus get hit by the conclusion and empathize with someone I'll never know.
Really good video.
As a neuro divergent person i tend to feel very muted to my emotions. Watching this video got me on a rollercoaster of emotions.
Joy from listening to someone's passion for a game that is franckly amazing in concept.
Utter euphoria to when you mentioned, probably, the most enticing piece of maths i have encountered.
And finally, despair as i related to your part about the tragedy of Owen because i related to all you said.
I've had even less interaction with Owen than you did and yet they moved me. I keep quoting them. I keep sharing their love of the subject and their playfulness.
Knowing what happened now makes me glad to be able to let them live on through what they made me feel.
Thank you Patricia, for being such an amazing creator and making me fall down obssession holes. My life is better for having found you.
Yes, I did enjoy your stim talk
deceptively simple description for yet another damn good patricia taxxon video. unexpected yet completely fitting personal gut punch at the end
the ending SHATTERED me
i was left speechless for 10 minutes with my mind running all over the place while being hit with several emotions not knowing what to feel
this is an amazingly well put together video and is extremely powerful emotionally
I waited to watch this video until finishing Bean and Nothingness, and I'm glad I did because it has quickly become one of my favourite games. There was one thing nagging me about the story in the game, which this video ornamented in an incredibly poetic way that I'm still recovering from.
Towards the end of the game it's revealed that Frank and Michelle built a whole new life and started a family in their new environment, and at the time this really tested my ability to suspend disbelief. I sympathised more with Karl: "The others seem so content with what we've built here, [...] but even after all this time I still wake up every morning expecting to hear my children in the next room." The idea of leaving the pressures and trappings of life behind and escaping to a fantastical world of endless research felt appealing but also unimaginable to me. As a maths PhD student myself, I could see it as a metaphor for the time spent lost in thought solving puzzles, but it felt like there was something else I was missing...
But now I think of Owen, someone I naively thought of as similar to myself, but whose own experience of the pressures and trappings of life was clearly impossibly different, enough to leave that life behind completely. And it makes me question my own ego, and reveals that I don't truly understand anyone, that my images of others are just projections of my own obsessions and insecurities. Just as I need to make peace with Owen's passing, I need to accept that Michelle and Frank can be happy on their own terms. I don't think I had stomached either of those things until I watched this video, so thank you!
Dang it! I've been tricked into watching a heartfelt and emotional tribute to a dead person again!
BABE WAKE UP NEW PATRICIA TAXXON VIDEO ESSAAAAYYYYY
The ending hit me in a really raw spot.
I also kinda feel like the "music", or in my case the "prose" is slowly fading from my life and my mind. I loved writing and making stories, and creating worlds, but after some stuff in mid 2012 I just... lost it.
I found myself just unable to do it anymore. No more ideas or characters or places or things. Just small sparks that would promise something larger only to fade.
It gives way to the unending tide of self criticism and loathing. I feel like I'm in a fight with my own mind and emotions at times. Sometimes it feels like i go on until my knuckles are raw and bloody.
But in spite of that, i want to be here. Maybe I'll find my drive again after losing it.
Thank you for this, Patty.
Yet another patricia taxxon video that makes me cry rivers over things whose existence I was completely oblivious of just some minutes ago. Thanks, Patricia THE Taxxon
RIP Owen Maitzen
I was a playtester for this game. It was a joy :)
Rest in Peace Owen, a great man I wished I knew.
I’m not a gamer，but I just love hearing you talk about things that you feel passionate about. Hope you’re well.
0:00 Never thought I'd see a content warning for suicide on a video essay about a puzzle game.
Welcome to the Patricia Taxxon experience™️
honestly i was surprised when it turned out the warning didn't apply to the game itself
I wish all the best for your mental health and your life. The ending hit a little too hard. I hope we both end up OK.
this video was so deeply impactful.
not really described perfectly, but it vibed with me consistently throughout, from airy start to heavy finish. please never stop curating every inch of yourself, because you bring me and so many others a level of purely autistic joy and wonder, losing ourselves in a world where we can let our passion flow freely. i find myself coming back to your albums, soaking every piece of emotion youve wrote and using it to decompile my own feelings, and your essays always seem to touch further than so many others. stay bright, puppy. we've all got so much to share. thank you.
I love when one of a video's main goals seems to be for you to stop watching it (and go play the game, in this case). Hard puzzles are tough for me to get into, so I still might go play it later but some spoilers are necessary to convince me. However I got Excited at such a strong recommendation for a math essay that I tabbed out immediately. Only, how could I have doubted myself, I've already seen that video. It was as great as you say.
Oh no
13:47 "All things academic will eventually become art at a high enough level." Ooh, that's a great quote and very true. I'm saving that.
Born to "OMG Puppy hai~!"
Forced to "Oh hey new video essay, I'll give it a watch."
Thank you for the video. I hope you continue to make this art as long as you have something to share. I want to listen to you.
Patricia always finds a way to make me cry at the end, I don't know how
25:39 It is!! Please continue! I love your videos and enjoy hearing about your interests!! You consistently scratch an itch in my silly brain and I wish to continue listening to you infodump /pos 💚
that ending was beautiful and emotional. hope you're doing okay, your music means a lot to me
There's something brilliant in comparing the mastery of a long-sought skill with body euphoria. As an incredibly bad artist, It's very rare for me to feel like anyone understands.
despite generally disliking playing puzzle games and having never even heard of this game before today, i did actually, factually, almost involuntarily let out a guttural shout upon hearing the mechanic for the 10th island
im pretty dumb so... seeing you be excited about very smart things makes me see the smart thing from the eyes of a smart person... i enjoy it. and i appreciate it. Thank you
that was such a good video and i had to do a double take at the end its nice that you made a final word for someone you cared about to give a final goodbye to someone you loved
there is nothing to be said that i feel can truly make life living, individually, from a stranger. but i hope you stick around. there's lots the world has to offer, good bad and everything inbetween, that is still worth experiencing
thank you for this video
i remember seeing your almost daily tumblr posts about Bean and Nothingness while you were playing it
the passion in which you just "explain the solutions to a puzzle game" as you reductively call it mimics how i feel passionatly describing how i performed an effective turn in a Tactical TTRPG
something i incredibly relate to as a neurodivergent animal myself :p
that ending felt like a real punch in the chest too
to barely know someone and still feel grief at there passing is a very strange misfortune of our current age one i have also had to grapple with
take care of yourself patty
Hey. I'm glad you're around. Sometimes I find your work a little intimidating, but in a good way, like how a roller coaster can be a little scary. I enjoy watching you talk about and play these games that are all way too brainy for me, this is probably the only way I'm going to see what you see in them. So I guess thanks, for bottling a little of that for us non-puzzle people.
And also thanks for being a puppy. ur a good puppy!!!
she hackin on my bush till i combinatorial game theory
[LOUD INCORRECT BUZZER]
after finishing this video and taking a break during it to question what it means to be art and how i like art and every other question about it under the sun i am saddled by feelings i didn't know i could feel. it feels like a punch to the get but the most loving embrace of someone that i only knew in passing but still cared for, it feels like i found a piece of me that i didn't know was there and will have to rethink everything i know again and again, it's warm and fuzzy and yet an endless pit in my gut that goes into an abyss.
this is truly something special and i love that it exists and that you made it, i love a lot of things you make and this one is at home with all the other things i love dearly :3
On one hand, Patricia is BACK!
On the other hand, WHAT HAVE U DONE TO MY BRAIN?!
On the other, other hand, that ending was a beautiful piece of poetry.
Great video. Hackenbush was also truly incredible; thank you Patricia
I love the idea of this getting an influx of view in like 2 months when we've all finished the game
Here after two months after finishing the game, providing the influx of view!
wait that ending, this is so sad and loving
The pre-video viewing comments:
"Woohoo, Patricia is back!"
The post-video viewing comments:
"The emotional damage and whiplash I feel after such an escalation of passion for puzzling and pefroming stuff at high levels of skill; T H E F E E L S !!!
Video Essays have become one of my favourite forms of media over the years, and of the video essayists I've watched, only some make it the art that it deserves to be.
Of all of those artists, you are one of the best. Every piece you create makes me feel like you've shared a piece of your soul, lets me see the world through new eyes. It is a truly beautiful experience to view your works. Thank you.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are an artist.
Finally
Patricia’s mean bean machine
Oh I just finished this, that’s a sad ending
Oh my gods the tail wagged 10:12 !!!!!!
Thats sooooo friginnnnn cute
That hackenbush video is a genuine work of art. Thank you so much for showing it to me.
I love, love, love when your tail wags when excited. That level of detail isn't necessary but adds soo much.
The closing speech is amazing. Ur a wonderful actress and writer
It's rare to have a video that I want to watch but feel like I cannot
I can't wait to see what the remaining 28 minutes of this video hold
“All things academic will eventually become art at a high enough level” that is the most beautiful thing I’ve heard a human say
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you are more valuable than the things you make or do. Even if you accomplish nothing you are still valuable. Don’t give up.
...the ending of this video was fucking crushing.
I wish I knew what to say other than Thank you. But thank you for these gifts.
I'm gonna go start the Hackenbush essay.
I paused this video to go watch the Hackenbush one, and the sheer love of weird math, and the clear engagement, was my first and only knowledge of the creator before coming back and seeing the end of this and god
Man.
Fuck.
The feeling of vertigo as you revealed that you were talking about the same guy from the other video
the sheer creativity is fucking wild, like it goes 'learn the ropes' -> 'apply your knowledge' -> 'screw the rules, go bend them'. Like the exact process of learning anything when super passionate. I don't think i've ever seen a game be able to pull this off before or quite to this extent, and the amount of work just establishing/concepting/testing all of this makes my brain hurt. Feel like most games end at the 'apply knowledge' step, and you don't really ask your players to go nutz like this.
You really know how to end a video. Putting tears in my gay little eyes and for what? You damned artist.
Commenting right here at the beginning to start playing this for myself whenever I’ve got my PC in my new place! I’ll be back!! /gen
i hope you are taking care of yourself, patricia. thank you for all the things you make.
I don’t think I’ve watched many video essays that genuinely had a more profound and meaningful ending than that.
absolutely no right to make me sob like this
you’ve got such a fantastic way of making learning sound so exciting!!! i cant wait to dig into hackenbush, and that ending was so touching :)
oh my god, the mechanic introduced on the final island is jaw dropping.
this is why I love your art, from music where you can clearly feel the "you" in it to my favourite form your essays, and how much of you is really in them. I didnt know him I dont think any of us did but I know you would have made him happy, you made us all feel how you did.
I love how you let your voice go tight and let us know your eyes aren't dry, you art is always so full of emotions
I know im bad at putting it in words but that you for make this video :)
What I am about to write is rather strange and personal. I guarantee no value from reading other than my own, and engagement is neither desired nor requested. I've no desire for the parasocial anyhow. But having just heard your words regretting not reaching out sooner, and ruminating on such wishes from my personal experiences, I feel compelled to write nonetheless. Perhaps this is a sole gasping breath from a soul buried alive. Perhaps the outro music put me in a pensive mood. Who's to say.
I can't claim to be to you what you were to Owen. I am not a scholar, nor a musician; no mathematician nor artist, close as the two may be. The passion you shared with him, the divine beauty found in the pursuit of knowledge, that which makes us human; it's just not something I can relate to. Generally speaking, I've been bereft of such passion. Oftentimes I'll find myself listening to friends and creators, full of love for the discovery and exploration of their fields of interests, and find myself envious in some regard. Perhaps I'm just not built for it. Not to say I pity myself, far from it; if passion is what bestows ur humanity, then I'm content to be something other than human. Either way I'll live, that much is sure. But I cannot claim to feel that camaraderie you felt with Owen, nor understand the pain. To speak to a more general truth, we have virtually nothing in common. We will never breathe the same air, nor look up and see the same blue sky.
But when I watch your videos, I feel something. When I picked up your Don't Hug Me I'm Scared analysis, where you tossed aside any implications of generally accepted half-truths and 'lore implications' to speak to the emotional truth of the work; how this bizarre, violent world that made no sense spoke to the experiences of a neglected, abused autistic child, I felt like a strong gust of wind had blown away the dark smog inside my mind, like I could think clearly again and recognize old truths of the world long obscured. When dove into your heartfelt review of the Spring 2020 Celeste mod collab showcase, heard your explanation of how utilizing different mechanics and environment orderings to create new levels was basically just employing characters and settings to create stories, I felt like the candy coating and sugary frosting that were the game's story and music were now supported by a lovingly crafted mechanical cake, complimenting the former two but no less delicious in its own right. When I covered my eyes and skimmed through the final points of your Funny games video, a film I find myself too disturbed to engage with in full, I found myself vindicated in my choices (or perhaps not, my thoughts on the film are messy. I think your last line sums it up perfectly). Your furry video gave me a new, joyous appreciation of the life and culture of dog girls; your Marble Blast video enraptured me like jingling keys might a newborn babe; and this video, in turn, has left me enraptured with a novel puzzle game I would otherwise not be able to experience.
That is all to say, I like your videos. I cannot call what I feel inspiration, but it is something. Your accomplishments in these videos are both novel and valuable, and for that you have my thanks. I will not attribute to this hulking comment some grand moral or imperative to deliver to you. My only goal with this is to speak my mind, which I hope I have adequately done. So, uh, good job.
This video contains the cutest little puppy tail waggle at 10:13 . I assume everyone wants easy access to seeing it.
Your voice makes me feel content
I actually bought and started playing Bean and Nothingness in order to watch this video, what the hell
Hey, I love your videos (and a lot of your music) but I can't always watch some of the more depressing stuff because of my anxiety. I bought Bean and Nothingness so that I could play it before watching the video. I've only played a little bit, but I haven't really played a lot of puzzle games before. I bounced off "Baba is You" pretty quickly, but B&N has really grabbed me so far!