Here's the thing though. You express a need. They are too busy for it until they run away. You express kindly, they ignore. You express firmly, they crumble. You're just at their mercy. That's toxic. They must openly admit they have a hard time being vulnerable. Then if a person chooses them anyway it's on them. They hide their true selves
Exactly and they're never like this in the beginning. When time passes and you become more emotionally invested, then they start all of these things. I honestly think they're selfish
@@alvpha it feels that way. It boggles my mind to no end that they don't know how their actions impact people nearest to them. It is selfish to only care about your own wellbeing I think that's still a polite way to put it.
@@alvpha and yet empathy is what I have because I learnt the hard way that that was never modeled in. It's so hard to watch someone you love stay in fight or flight. Especially when they have taught you that it's good to relax from time to time. I tend to have the "productivity" bug. Constantly need to be productive in my spare time too. She taught me to relax and enjoy the down time. But now she's not letting me return the favor.
*On-off relationship *Silent treatment *Stonewalling *Emotional Rollercoaster *Saying "Let's just go with the flow" *Easily getting overwhelmed *Conflict Avoidance * Feeling like you are "too much" for them *Future faking I think these are signs of a DA...
The bottom line is that hurt people - hurt people. Avoidants by their very nature are hurt or damaged as you will. Then they naturally hurt other people. I am trying to heal but the damage she has left behind is unimaginable
I can relate. 5 years with a FA and she bailed after a simple argument that could have been resolved with a 5 minute convo. I have never been this gutted by someone before.
@@Corebo agreed. My wife of 3.5 years started to do the slow fade. I knew something was wrong and we were working on it. Then all it took was me offering advice on a work issue and she took it as a criticism. She checked out and filed for divorce. It’s rough and at this point I wish I never met her, because dispute all the damage she’s caused, part of me still loves her.
@@Corebo same, he bailed out after a minor issue that could have been resolved with an open communication. Silent treatment for a week or two and then decided to end it afterwards. I don't understand how their brains are wired. A long-term relationship definitely needs to tackle these minor and major issues without needing to bail out.
Yes. You gotta tell it how it is. They deserve love and understanding, but, they are also some of the most toxic and selfish of them all. They need to take ownership. Turn to love Coach AJ - especially love of self. It is the ointment to your abrasions.
My avoidant came back 27 days after no contact. She was full or remorse and regret. So, they can miss us. And mine will miss me forever. I GLADLY and expeditiously escorted her out of my home. NEVER take them back. They come with lies and baggage . It's ALMOST inhuman !
Nothing works with a DA who is not actively working on himself. You leave because you're sick of the on/off relationship ? They feel relieved at first then they minimize the worth of the relationship like "It was not that good anyway" and finally weeks later they might find something that make them think about you and start thinking that it wasn't so bad after all, kind of miss you and might rekindle the relationship. Rinse and repeat. Do yourself a favor, stay away from avoidants except if they are actively working on themselves and if you truly love them but be aware of the possible consequences.
The bottom line is, nothing can be done about or with an avoidant unless they develop awareness about their serious conflicts and actually put in the time and effort to work on it. This process usually takes years, not even just weeks or months. Should you wait for something that may never happen or will take years? I wouldn't - and I DON'T anymore. This has been part of my own personal journey to recognize horrible behaviour and actively choose to NOT participate. Because it will stay hot and cold, or unsatisfactory, unless the underlying issues are dealt with. Look at Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez as classic examples of messed-up people who haven't recognized or dealt with their issues and therefore keep having disastrous relationships (including getting together and breaking up TWICE).
very very true. It took me years to overcome my own issues about being scared of commitment in a relationship. but i was more anxiously attached. avoidants are so tough because they can have the most amazing, gentle personalities, but they just can't seem to put in the same emotional work that secure people do for a relationship. they'll have their partners wondering what is wrong when in reality it's just who they are.
@@JustMeAndMyBoy love doesn’t concur all, that is misinformation and a fallacy. Love is two things. First, it's a feeling, the feeling is easy because it's black and white. It's there or it's not. It's automatic. Second, it's a choice. The choice is much different, it's not easy and it's not automatic. In order for a truly healthy and deep relationship to exist, your partner needs to provide both. It can't be I love you, but... It has to be. I love you more than doing life alone. I love you more than the way my childhood traumatized me. I love you more than my resistance that I have to be accountable to someone else. I love you more than the potential of finding someone attractive or hotter.
I gave him his distance and space, we talked about him needing that time. We also spoke about my needs and that was to see him in a weeks time after his withdrawal. The day before, I get a text saying he enjoyed his free time too much and broke up with me. Can't compromise if only one person shows up to the party😢
My DA ex and i have been friends but separated for 2 years now. I chased a long time until i grew and learned and moved on finally. She messages me the other day at like 11pm to randomly tell me that she locked her keys in her car and the pop-a-lock guy hit on her. So....ok....i ask "how'd that go?" And immediately got attacked with "WHY DO YOU CARE?!" wtf? So i say "Why'd you tell me if you didnt think id care?"....Ghosted for 2 weeks now 😂. Its funny looking back on how much time i wasted on emptiness. I imagine she hoped id be jealous, but im happy in my new relationship and she knows that. Because i answered in a nonchalant way, i guess it triggered her....oh well....i was actually hoping she gave the locksmith a fair chance for once 🤷
Yikes. Thought this kind of thing was BPD, didn't realise it could be described within attachment theory. Worst part, for her, is how her denial will only deepen her inner tension. Imagine going through life with a personality half-eaten by your own cognitive dissonance. Much better being honest and insecure than constantly angry at your own shadow.
I appreciate most of your videos on DA’s, but this one made it seem like entertain their never ending need for space and they will fall in love with you. I constantly showed my DA empathy, was non-judgmental, repeatedly asked about his wants and needs while he lied about his porn addiction for over a year, continuously bread crumbed me, discarded me more than once, only coming back around for validation and dopamine hits. I spoke to him about my feelings like we were in a board meeting and he was mostly defensive. I believe there’s a spectrum and some DA’s are decent where others seem to be manipulative. The decent ones are scared, but will work with you while the others drop you like you never meant anything to them. Let’s do a video about how if a DA isn’t in therapy, you should really be very hard pressed to believe space will do the trick. They will equate solitude with safety. It seems like many DA’s just wear a mask, people pleasing, not conveying their wants and needs until they finally build up resentment and discard or slow fade out for good.
Well thought out and written. It's a seemingly never ending cycle of 'what on God's earth just happened here - it makes no sense'! But to deny it will prolong the pain and suffering, these DA's can't/won't/don't care to change as long as they're in their safe 'cloud' of protections, then come out of it every now and then, turn on the charm, f*** someone else up or you again, and off they disappear... My fiance' jms x2 - '...I can't text about it...I can't talk about it...I only can curl up on the couch and merge into the clouds...' Yes, that's all you're capable of - good bye!!!
Wrong. Porn ADDICTION is a very real problem. And it works just like sny other addiction. Its incremental snd starts slow, but eventually requires more extreme images to get rhe same physical response. .
Very well written, and your thought processes are clear. I'm wondering if it's even ever possible for the DA to have a healthy relationship. I was with mine for two years, two engagements she ended, the second time after buying the rings...ouch. I've given her away to the universe, no more JMS ever, and am better off for it. No more guessing, no more of her disappearing, no more feeling like I'm in a relationship alone, I/we all deserve better - and to live our lives fully and deeply with communication and consistency for cripes' sake!!!
Dated one DA for 8 months. I went to another country for 2 months (he even came to visit), but when I got back he dumped me saying that we weren't on the same page. He realized he didn't really develop the feeling and/or wasn't ready for a more serious relationship because of the fear of losing his independence etc etc. I guess distance didn't work for us LoL Anyways, it was for the better: the relationship really triggered all of my deepest insecurities, fears and anxiety. I'm still trying to get my energy back. Exhausting, never dating one again tbh
@@Yorickfrijters He actually disclosed to me that he was gonna break up, one week before I got back. So he thought about it before we got close again. But anyways, I think it really was the best thing for me. I was a mess because of all the anxiety he caused me 🥲
Sounds like this is a spiritual connection and possible mirroring going on. Some of these connections are meant to bring those triggers up so you can see the issues within yourself that you need to work on. So much easier said than done. For sure!
I can say the content on this video seems very spot on. So much truth to what you’re saying, I can tell it’s coming both from the heart and mind. Very balanced
Block, Blocked, Blocketh … Today was my last day in the rollercoaster! I am NEVER going back I wish him the best I miss the romance, communication, empathy, vulnerability, honesty I’ve come to far in my journey to take 100 steps back. Thank you for all of your help, this was definitely another lesson xxx
Love blocketh! And I'm with you. Final breakup with my DA yesterday. Just so glad that roller-coaster ride of push-pull bully-sh*t is over. My body is going to thank me for not having to go through the stress hell of that. Here's to healing emotionally, physically and spiritually for both of us ❤
He said “I wish you the best” & those words I never want to hear ever again. I miss him even though we chat from time to time. I just feel like I need to heal emotionally and mentally and keep him at arms length. I won’t reach out. When he wants to chat, he can. I’m not writing him. Just too much to bear when he doesn’t respond.
This is really good info. I learned years ago that if someone pulls away, the best thing to do is let them and give them the space to miss you. When I started applying this concept, I'd always get the "I miss you" texts/calls from women who were initially lukewarm about me or had ghosted me altogether. Some warmed up to me, most didn't, but I was never concerned as I know I did my part. I always use the analogy of tennis, in that once you hit the ball, you have to wait for the other person to hit it back. 🤷🏿♂️ 🎾
So true. My DA left my texts on read for 8 days, then asks me if I'm done 'ignoring him'. Bruh, you gotta 'hit the ball back' or it's over. It's over anyway, bc at this point in my life I won't BEG for breadcrumbs.
@@nicholeb2746 and that's the best move you could've made. I never understood this "right way" of doing things because it only makes sense in business where someone is giving you money. The relationship 🎾 match starts out at "love/love" and when it becomes "40/love" it's time to bow out gracefully.
@@pattisymonette5024 I agree. If the game isn't to your liking, it's time to bow out gracefully. It's why I never chase, as doing so implies the other person is running away.
I've found that too but keep in mind they'll be playing around with new people before they reach that "miss you" stage. After they miss you, they'll end up disappearing again at some point. I've accepted they're only capable of casual arrangements, nothing long term or serious. Once you have that expectation it makes it much easier
Thank you so much. My friend wants so much to go beyond being just friends but has a huge wall up. Trust is lost and we need to build the foundation of trust first.
I had mistaken someone I was seeing for a dismissive avoidant when in fact they are a covert narcissist. I was too forgiving for this while she was manipulating me continuously. Once I realized she was a covert my mindset changed and left. Be careful to know the difference
@@frootypie I don't know if it was true for the person above, but in my opinion, the biggest difference is that a narcissist has ZERO emotional empathy. All about him or her. 100 percent.
Lol i got it mixed up the other way around. I hadnt heard of attachment styles yet. But i was married to a grandiose narcissist for 7 years so i am very familiar with those patterns. I was with an avoidant for 8 months. We got in our first fight and he gave me the silent treatment for over a week.....even when i texted him that i couldnt eat or sleep and i couldnt function after day 3. My ex husband used to use the silent treatment for weeks to punish me for any little thing he didnt like. I started watvhing youtube videos about the silent treatment and how its abusive which led to covert narcissism being mentioned and i honestly thought thats what i was dealing with for months. But it didnt quite fit. DA is probably closer to the truth but ill never know for sure because either way im not going back to someone who pushed me to that level of depression and anxiety and didnt care about my feelings at all. I dumped him bia text after 9 days of silent treatment. This was 3 years ago now. It took over a year to heal and then i met my fiance who is securely attached and a complete breath of peace and fresh air after what ive been through previously in my life. He loves me and never neglects me. I cant wait to be his wife!!! There is light on the other side of the horrible healing process from these emotional vampires.
Same here! Wasted five years trying to be forgiving with a covert narcissist. Life is just too short to be neglected and used by a person who only cares about themselves. I ended up having a heart attack from all the stress. With each discard and silent treatment I got stringer and finally it wasn't as hard to break free of him. It just hurts that he tells people that it was my fault, when I'm the one who put up with awful treatment continuously. 😢
I really wish I would have know about these attachment styles 2 years ago. My person broke up with me for the 3rd. Yes he came back 3 times. The last pause was 16 months. Had I know about this when he came back the 3rd time I would have been armed with more knowledge. Now he’s gone again because I pushed too hard. But 9 months into our next 1.5 years together he relocated to a different state so for the last 9 months it’s been long distance. Though we did see each other, it was about every two months. And now it’s over because he needs the space and he can’t meet my needs from 2000 miles away 😢
@@KD-hy3bi I wonder if you did No Contact during the 16-month pause before he came back. Mine broke up twice but I felt like I couldn't the 3rd time anymore. He's with a new person 3 months after our 2nd BU. It's tiring to have such an unhealthy pattern.
@@winterkai12 we did not speak. He asked for space so I gave it. He did not say goodbye. He simply pushed pause. It hurt. Tore me apart. But I went on a healing journey. We texted once or twice but I initiated it. He did respond then we were no contact again. It was about 6 months later that he came back. I was understanding, compassionate, loving, not hurt. I was always afraid he’d leave again. And we talked about that. And he left again. 11 days ago.
@@KD-hy3bi this definitely sounds like my ex too. Saying he won't leave the 1st time and 2nd time around we got together. It seems like they can't keep their words. It's hard keeping up with the emotional rollercoaster and it's triggering the nervous system so bad. You did your best, let him do the effort and realize what he lost. Space and time will speak for itself. I'm trying to do NC now, but somehow, we ended up reaching out at some point. But I'll leave it be since mine decided that a new relationship is the good thing to do instead of working out the issues in our relationship. Conflict avoidance is hard to deal with because it means they can't maintain a long and stable relationship. I know we deserve better.
All the comments here are accurate. Leave the avoidant fast. They have too much going on in their head for you to help or fix them. Too much childhood trauma unless you are a therapist like this lady who posted the video. I only wasted a few months and figured it out that something was wrong as she was stringing me along. Just say bye bye to the DA and move on. That’s the best advice. Don’t try to be a hero and fix them.
Avoidant should be left alone period! They shouldn’t having any relationship! Please stay away from them! If you can’t find a secure people, you better stay single! I’m divorcing my severe avoidant of 18 years relationship, it was hell! I had no choice that’s why I waited too long to divorce.
Most of us have had unstable, dysfunctional childhood experiences. As adults we are responsible for the way we show up in relationships. They DO NOT have a healthy relationship with themselves to begin with. They are obviously not equipped for " healthy " connections with others. Stop falling into delusions of " toxic hope" fantasizing they can make good partners.. They can't be if they are unhealed... ❤
If I end up marrying this Avoidant... I am sure I would end up having affairs with other men imagining him all the while! And when the other man is so good.. I would be very angry and jealous why can't the one I love connect .2% like these other men! And finally this avoidant would judge me saying, see you cheated on me like I said all women do it! Crazy idiot, I won't even be able to tell him back, 'it is you who drove me here, all the while I was imagining you'... Because he would be gone by then! No arguments, no explanations! He would have gone into his tortoise shell! Good Lord.. I wish I didn't love him this much to know what life with him is going to be and yet crave for him!
After 4 years as a partner and friends before that, we are no longer in contact. It's too bad, actually. Too bad I didn't know this before I crossed the line.I still love her, but I had to move on.
We are living in a safe and mostly wealthy world. Our primary needs are met, we can travel, have youtube and other blessing of civilization. And still we are strugling with having healthy relationships. Whenever I have a problem I often ask myself how would it be solved hundert years ago... How did ppl manage having families and rasing kids without electricity and painkillers? It seems to me we are loosing our ressilience to deal with problems... Am I wrong`? Were ppl happier back then? How did they deal with relationship problems?
Absolutely. You're not alone in thinking this. I feel that mental resilience is gone. It's part of the increased fixation on rights and entitlement but not the responsibilities and duties that come with each new phase of life. Everyone wants to take but they are not interested in giving. The old values are gone I'm afraid. We're in the "Kali yuga" age of hedonism.
Words like "responsibility" and "dependability" and "reliability" have become pejoratives. Interdependence is considered weakness rather than a necessary aspect of a social species. They conflate it with codependence
Happiness wasn’t the goal then. Survival was the goal. People regularly lost multiple children before the age of five. Died in childbirth. Where killed doing dangerous back breaking jobs. Don’t romanticize the past.
Okay so are dismissive avoidance and fearful avoidance also usually narcissists or covert narcissists or do the qualities of avoidance and narcissists just mimic each other??
I’ve had a former love disappear and come back anywhere from one year to 8 years. On 3rd time I ghosted him. He’s in another state and I have zero interest now. It felt weird, but I don’t ever want contact. Sex addict who won’t admit it. I’ve known him 47 years and through marriages and divorces too. I’m FREE at last.
I have been with a DA for a year and she just dumped me we had a conflict and she just disappeared.. just wanted to ask is it part of the traits of DA not to phone call?? We didn’t call over the phone over the last year only text messages or we physically meet
@JustMeAndMyBoy my DA takes calls from everyone but me, and does a lot of driving and will call people then but never me. He doesn't like being on the phone to a relationship person. We have just had the biggest conflict of our years long dating relationship, and I have had to work through it by text messaging because he won't phone call and is avoiding seeing me in person.
I just read the description of the Advanced Dismissive Course and thought: OMG, I'm dating that guy! At the moment, he has cut off communication because my feet swelled in hot weather and the shoes pinched that I had chosen to wear to a wedding. Some deal-breaker, eh? My avoidant fantasizes about other women and tells me about it, and seeks validation through drumming on open mic nights. He went haywire when those friends of ours told us they were getting married, disbelieving they could marry for love and companionship, not something material and transactional. In short, even though he has currently iced me out (third time), he drives me nuts! So I will look at the course, as the description fits my circumstances. It's the stuff you don't know that hurts you!
I don't think my ex will even think about coming back. She already villainized me to her friends and new BF. She was in a relationship with her BF for 1 year while we were still in a relationship as a live-in partner. She sabotaged our relationship and sabotaged my job with the help of her BF just to force me to help her get a Job. Then one day, she was gone, ended the 12 year relationship and left me jobless with 2 kids. She blamed me and left me puzzling what did i do that I deserve this from her. She treated me like her abuser childhood family.
It definitely has helped me. I’m more aware now, and I’m single and very open about what I need in a relationship. I’m still extremely independent; it hasn’t resolved it. I’m a DA, but I’m also an empath. Once I self-sabotage, I beat myself up, and I have tortured myself over messing things up. That’s when I seem to move into the more fearful-avoidant and get preoccupied space. It's already too late by that point and there’s no saving that relationship. Being a DA is no fun at all. But yes, EMDR helped. However, without acceptance and self-awareness from a DA, I would not continue with them. If they can’t tell you what they need and if you’re too scared to be open about your needs, it will never work. Good luck!
What if complete no contact is impossible? I work with a DA friend and he engages with me but he is pulling away due to me calling him out on it. He has deactivated and idk what to do.
The only way you can have an avoidant attachment style is if you had a childhood where your feelings were not recognized or acknowledged?…..there is no other way?
There's a lot of different ways to switch to a different attachment style actually. It can be due to childhood traumas or neglect, specific life events, relationships, life stressors, etc. Simple examples, an anxious can become FA after being with a DA, a secure person can become anxious with an avoidant.... Your attachment style can also be different with your family and friends compared to the one with your partner.
@@RubyLinewhy would an anxious become an FA after being with a DA? To leave as a form of self protection? Asking as I’ve just been with a DA (prolly not my first) but def one of the most hard to be with and I notice myself exhibiting some FA qualities like intense stuff that comes out that was bottled up but that could also just be bottled up resentment from stuffing to keep the peace. I also felt like I’ve become more avoidant over the years after so many relationships gone wrong, I start to expect abandonment / rejection / loss and don’t trust it. But I don’t do the breaking up constantly thing that some FA’s do
@@kevinkurgansky4479 I will use myself as an example, but might not be the case for everyone. Before being with my severe Da ex, I was Ap. But after being ghosted numerous times, given the silent treatments too, being ignored, lied to, neglected, taken for granted, the constant broken promises, all words and no actions, being emotionally abused for 2 years on and off (quite sure you know the typical cycle of unaware and unhealed Das). It triggered what's called protests behaviours, so if I remember well, instead of chasing them (a lot of Das say that they hate that, mine wanted me to chase him) I mirrored his behaviours. No contact, ignoring him (not that he reached out, too much of a coward), I then started setting boundaries since I knew I deserved at least what I constantly gave him, but never received. In a way, what he put me through made me realise that I deserved better than what he was offering me, so silence and nothing. After a while I broke up with him, a few times over the years actually. It's indeed for self-protection, to stop the emotional and mental turmoil, the overall harm due to that toxic dynamic. I'm not surprised that you feel more avoidant if you had multiple relationships with Das and you were Ap. I wonder if it's not linked to the repetitive and predictable patterns of behaviours from Das. You can nearly sense (I know I did) when the discard phase is looming. So out of self-protection towards those behaviours, you've coped by being more avoidant in hope to keep yourself "safe" no matter what happens. Because the Das you've dated have consistently shown you that they're not emotionally safe or reliable. You're right keeping things bottled up is an AP/FA thing. Usually it's indeed done to keep the peace, but that doesn't stop resentment from building over, it worsens the situation. I think that the constant breaking up thing for Fas really reflect how unstable they feel in a relationship. They never know what to expect, so in those instances they lean avoidant in hope to not feel the pain and feel relief. Same coping mechanism as a Da. The important thing imo is to never forget that attachment styles are on the spectrum too. Always remember that the only person you can change is yourself, and how you react or respond to what happens. The best way forward is to work on your own attachment style, to become secure, not ignore red flags, list your needs and dealbreakers, really learn to get to know someone before heading into a relationship and vet how things evolve. Learning to communicate neutrally and effectively, communicate the needs and boundaries, not tolerate disrespect or abusive behaviours, learn conflict resolution skills, etc. I know it's a lot and seems impossible to achieve, but it's doable. And the work has so much value, you'll be able to weed out the people who won't be good partners to you. Yeah it's long sorry. Hope it helps !
I appreciate the messages in these videos, but I can't help but get a bit repelled at times... Look up "loudermilk talk like that" video... the coffee shop scene.
Nor ALL, my DA likes to ENTERTAIN SITUATIONSHIPS & Future Fake about long term commitment leading to marriage. Along sex will be in the equation for REFUSING to FACE THEIR FEARS!
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
@@SK-no2pp are you serious.🧐 commenting something so ignorant to me might make you feel better. But you will not shame me into not being honest and sincere. Thank You…
@@petegallegos5097 i could see how thais could reply to your original comment using your response verbatim, lol, just because *you* feel she "really did oot explain this very well" does *not* mean she "fell short of what [she was] trying to convey or explain" 🤨 part of the whole point of pds is understanding we don't all see or process things the same way so frankly i agree with the other response
I know That's means well... however, DAs have to allow the Holy Spirit to prick their heart! Although the one I deal with is not high on the Richter scale of Narcissism (the DA I dealt w/would show Empathy at times) like my ex-husband, however, the DA that I love so dearly, has this in common w/a Narcissist, a spirit of STUBBORNNESS! It's a toddler type of stubbornness. It's the type of stubbornness when you deal w/a child, you have to break it off of the child & keep reinforcing consequences til they learn you stand on business. This time around I'm prepared to go no contact AS LONG AS I NEED TO FOR HIM TO CATCH A HINT & CATCH A VOWEL! DAs have to do the work! I dealt w/a DA since August 2021 & it's the SAME FREAKIN' MERRY GO ROUND! 🎠 I'm so TIRED to where I wipe my hands clean & pray Matthew 6 over him... "thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven". Tired of the Disrespect. Tired of the Lack of Accountability. Tired of him treated me low on the totem pole. Tired of him talking to me like a child. Tired of him being wreckless wit his mouth! Tired of him sulking into his wounds everyday, yet when I was share how my day was, he's very short, doesn't respond, &/or doesn't take the time to ask Clarifying Questions to let me know he's interested & want to LEARN MORE ABOUT ME... Tired of him being Easily Offended. Tored of him being Emotionally Unavailable! Tirrd of him being driggerrd when he tries to take shots at me with his words when I'm already in a VULNERABLE state! I'm TIRED OF HIS GASLIGHTING! I'M TIRED OF THE FAKE APOLOGIES WHEN HE USES BEING TIRED, SICK, OR A LOT GOING ON FOR WHY HE MOVES THE WAY HE MOVES! I TOLD Saturday, September 21, 2024 that you NEED JESUS & THERAPY & A BODY OF SOLUD GODLY MEN WHO CAN CHIN CHECK YOU WHEN YOU'RE OUTTA POCKET!
Avoid avoidants. You might get your sanity back eventually, but you'll never get back the time and effort you wasted on them.
Facts
Truth! 6 years wasted. Sucks
Amen 🙏 brother !!
So true. Took me 2 years to get over an avoidant after an 8 month relationship.....never again.
Right no matter what you do they will not make an effort
Here's the thing though. You express a need. They are too busy for it until they run away. You express kindly, they ignore. You express firmly, they crumble. You're just at their mercy. That's toxic. They must openly admit they have a hard time being vulnerable. Then if a person chooses them anyway it's on them. They hide their true selves
Exactly and they're never like this in the beginning. When time passes and you become more emotionally invested, then they start all of these things. I honestly think they're selfish
@@alvpha it feels that way. It boggles my mind to no end that they don't know how their actions impact people nearest to them. It is selfish to only care about your own wellbeing I think that's still a polite way to put it.
@@alvpha and yet empathy is what I have because I learnt the hard way that that was never modeled in. It's so hard to watch someone you love stay in fight or flight. Especially when they have taught you that it's good to relax from time to time. I tend to have the "productivity" bug. Constantly need to be productive in my spare time too. She taught me to relax and enjoy the down time. But now she's not letting me return the favor.
The avoidant in my life ONLY rekindles feelings for me when Im unavailable in any capacity. I cant entertain this.
*On-off relationship
*Silent treatment
*Stonewalling
*Emotional Rollercoaster
*Saying "Let's just go with the flow"
*Easily getting overwhelmed
*Conflict Avoidance
* Feeling like you are "too much" for them
*Future faking
I think these are signs of a DA...
Ghosting
@@PositiveFactsGallery impulsively ending relationships...
@@winterkai12 exactly what happened to me...
yeah, they are :/
All I can say: match their energy when they stonewall / ghost / avoid / silent treatment you.
The bottom line is that hurt people - hurt people. Avoidants by their very nature are hurt or damaged as you will. Then they naturally hurt other people. I am trying to heal but the damage she has left behind is unimaginable
I can relate. 5 years with a FA and she bailed after a simple argument that could have been resolved with a 5 minute convo. I have never been this gutted by someone before.
@@Corebo agreed. My wife of 3.5 years started to do the slow fade. I knew something was wrong and we were working on it. Then all it took was me offering advice on a work issue and she took it as a criticism. She checked out and filed for divorce. It’s rough and at this point I wish I never met her, because dispute all the damage she’s caused, part of me still loves her.
@@Corebo same, he bailed out after a minor issue that could have been resolved with an open communication. Silent treatment for a week or two and then decided to end it afterwards. I don't understand how their brains are wired. A long-term relationship definitely needs to tackle these minor and major issues without needing to bail out.
Yes. You gotta tell it how it is. They deserve love and understanding, but, they are also some of the most toxic and selfish of them all. They need to take ownership.
Turn to love Coach AJ - especially love of self. It is the ointment to your abrasions.
@@Corebosame 😢
DO THIS: leave, go no contact.
The end
Nothing harder than letting go of an Avoidant. They never miss you.
Nothing 😢I agree they don’t.
From what I’ve seen in tons of other videos they actually do end up missing you but it comes much later, once they realise you’re actually gone.
They do
They're still human. They miss you, they just have a fear of expressing it
My avoidant came back 27 days after no contact. She was full or remorse and regret. So, they can miss us. And mine will miss me forever. I GLADLY and expeditiously escorted her out of my home. NEVER take them back. They come with lies and baggage . It's ALMOST inhuman !
Trust me. Don’t date these people. They string you along and aren’t supportive.
Nothing works with a DA who is not actively working on himself.
You leave because you're sick of the on/off relationship ? They feel relieved at first then they minimize the worth of the relationship like "It was not that good anyway" and finally weeks later they might find something that make them think about you and start thinking that it wasn't so bad after all, kind of miss you and might rekindle the relationship.
Rinse and repeat.
Do yourself a favor, stay away from avoidants except if they are actively working on themselves and if you truly love them but be aware of the possible consequences.
Couldn't have put this better myself. We been on and off forever nearly 2 years. Nothing's going to change. She dumped me and I'm trying to move on
The bottom line is, nothing can be done about or with an avoidant unless they develop awareness about their serious conflicts and actually put in the time and effort to work on it. This process usually takes years, not even just weeks or months.
Should you wait for something that may never happen or will take years? I wouldn't - and I DON'T anymore. This has been part of my own personal journey to recognize horrible behaviour and actively choose to NOT participate. Because it will stay hot and cold, or unsatisfactory, unless the underlying issues are dealt with.
Look at Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez as classic examples of messed-up people who haven't recognized or dealt with their issues and therefore keep having disastrous relationships (including getting together and breaking up TWICE).
I wonder if Ben is avoidant lol
very very true. It took me years to overcome my own issues about being scared of commitment in a relationship. but i was more anxiously attached. avoidants are so tough because they can have the most amazing, gentle personalities, but they just can't seem to put in the same emotional work that secure people do for a relationship. they'll have their partners wondering what is wrong when in reality it's just who they are.
Definitely not a JLo fan but I’m sad to see that love doesn’t concur all. 😢
@@JustMeAndMyBoy love doesn’t concur all, that is misinformation and a fallacy. Love is two things. First, it's a feeling, the feeling is easy because it's black and white. It's there or it's not. It's automatic. Second, it's a choice. The choice is much different, it's not easy and it's not automatic. In order for a truly healthy and deep relationship to exist, your partner needs to provide both. It can't be I love you, but... It has to be. I love you more than doing life alone. I love you more than the way my childhood traumatized me. I love you more than my resistance that I have to be accountable to someone else. I love you more than the potential of finding someone attractive or hotter.
*conquer
I gave him his distance and space, we talked about him needing that time. We also spoke about my needs and that was to see him in a weeks time after his withdrawal. The day before, I get a text saying he enjoyed his free time too much and broke up with me. Can't compromise if only one person shows up to the party😢
Now you know! Don't waste your precious time! You'll be able to sniff out their stink quickly from now on....
My DA ex and i have been friends but separated for 2 years now. I chased a long time until i grew and learned and moved on finally. She messages me the other day at like 11pm to randomly tell me that she locked her keys in her car and the pop-a-lock guy hit on her. So....ok....i ask "how'd that go?" And immediately got attacked with "WHY DO YOU CARE?!" wtf? So i say "Why'd you tell me if you didnt think id care?"....Ghosted for 2 weeks now 😂. Its funny looking back on how much time i wasted on emptiness. I imagine she hoped id be jealous, but im happy in my new relationship and she knows that. Because i answered in a nonchalant way, i guess it triggered her....oh well....i was actually hoping she gave the locksmith a fair chance for once 🤷
Yikes. Thought this kind of thing was BPD, didn't realise it could be described within attachment theory. Worst part, for her, is how her denial will only deepen her inner tension. Imagine going through life with a personality half-eaten by your own cognitive dissonance. Much better being honest and insecure than constantly angry at your own shadow.
Fucking block her number and say good bye. Wtf. Boundaries
I appreciate most of your videos on DA’s, but this one made it seem like entertain their never ending need for space and they will fall in love with you. I constantly showed my DA empathy, was non-judgmental, repeatedly asked about his wants and needs while he lied about his porn addiction for over a year, continuously bread crumbed me, discarded me more than once, only coming back around for validation and dopamine hits. I spoke to him about my feelings like we were in a board meeting and he was mostly defensive. I believe there’s a spectrum and some DA’s are decent where others seem to be manipulative. The decent ones are scared, but will work with you while the others drop you like you never meant anything to them. Let’s do a video about how if a DA isn’t in therapy, you should really be very hard pressed to believe space will do the trick. They will equate solitude with safety. It seems like many DA’s just wear a mask, people pleasing, not conveying their wants and needs until they finally build up resentment and discard or slow fade out for good.
There’s no such thing as porn addiction, it’s just a symptom of other issues in their life. Not watching porn doesn’t produce withdrawal…
Well thought out and written. It's a seemingly never ending cycle of 'what on God's earth just happened here - it makes no sense'! But to deny it will prolong the pain and suffering, these DA's can't/won't/don't care to change as long as they're in their safe 'cloud' of protections, then come out of it every now and then, turn on the charm, f*** someone else up or you again, and off they disappear...
My fiance' jms x2 - '...I can't text about it...I can't talk about it...I only can curl up on the couch and merge into the clouds...' Yes, that's all you're capable of - good bye!!!
Wrong. Porn ADDICTION is a very real problem. And it works just like sny other addiction. Its incremental snd starts slow, but eventually requires more extreme images to get rhe same physical response. .
Very well written, and your thought processes are clear. I'm wondering if it's even ever possible for the DA to have a healthy relationship. I was with mine for two years, two engagements she ended, the second time after buying the rings...ouch. I've given her away to the universe, no more JMS ever, and am better off for it. No more guessing, no more of her disappearing, no more feeling like I'm in a relationship alone, I/we all deserve better - and to live our lives fully and deeply with communication and consistency for cripes' sake!!!
Dated one DA for 8 months. I went to another country for 2 months (he even came to visit), but when I got back he dumped me saying that we weren't on the same page. He realized he didn't really develop the feeling and/or wasn't ready for a more serious relationship because of the fear of losing his independence etc etc. I guess distance didn't work for us LoL Anyways, it was for the better: the relationship really triggered all of my deepest insecurities, fears and anxiety. I'm still trying to get my energy back. Exhausting, never dating one again tbh
I guess, if I may, that the distance actually DID work for you and that stopped working when you came to close (literally and figuratively 😅)
@@Yorickfrijters He actually disclosed to me that he was gonna break up, one week before I got back. So he thought about it before we got close again. But anyways, I think it really was the best thing for me. I was a mess because of all the anxiety he caused me 🥲
Sounds like this is a spiritual connection and possible mirroring going on. Some of these connections are meant to bring those triggers up so you can see the issues within yourself that you need to work on. So much easier said than done. For sure!
@@rebeccad5545 Yes I agree, he made me realize I still have some things I need to work on. I'm doing that :)
I can say the content on this video seems very spot on. So much truth to what you’re saying, I can tell it’s coming both from the heart and mind. Very balanced
Block, Blocked, Blocketh …
Today was my last day in the rollercoaster!
I am NEVER going back I wish him the best
I miss the romance, communication, empathy, vulnerability, honesty
I’ve come to far in my journey to take 100 steps back.
Thank you for all of your help, this was definitely another lesson xxx
Girl, NOT Blocketh... I Screamed!🤣🤣🤣 I feel you though!
Love blocketh! And I'm with you. Final breakup with my DA yesterday. Just so glad that roller-coaster ride of push-pull bully-sh*t is over. My body is going to thank me for not having to go through the stress hell of that.
Here's to healing emotionally, physically and spiritually for both of us ❤
And they will take you back through it I've been there
@@sheliasmith2884 yes they always take you back because they are toxic !!!
He said “I wish you the best” & those words I never want to hear ever again. I miss him even though we chat from time to time. I just feel like I need to heal emotionally and mentally and keep him at arms length. I won’t reach out. When he wants to chat, he can. I’m not writing him. Just too much to bear when he doesn’t respond.
This is really good info. I learned years ago that if someone pulls away, the best thing to do is let them and give them the space to miss you. When I started applying this concept, I'd always get the "I miss you" texts/calls from women who were initially lukewarm about me or had ghosted me altogether. Some warmed up to me, most didn't, but I was never concerned as I know I did my part. I always use the analogy of tennis, in that once you hit the ball, you have to wait for the other person to hit it back. 🤷🏿♂️ 🎾
So true. My DA left my texts on read for 8 days, then asks me if I'm done 'ignoring him'. Bruh, you gotta 'hit the ball back' or it's over. It's over anyway, bc at this point in my life I won't BEG for breadcrumbs.
And they want you to play on their terms and by their rules. Never know when they'll quit in the middle of the match. Best to get another partner.
@@nicholeb2746 and that's the best move you could've made. I never understood this "right way" of doing things because it only makes sense in business where someone is giving you money. The relationship 🎾 match starts out at "love/love" and when it becomes "40/love" it's time to bow out gracefully.
@@pattisymonette5024 I agree. If the game isn't to your liking, it's time to bow out gracefully. It's why I never chase, as doing so implies the other person is running away.
I've found that too but keep in mind they'll be playing around with new people before they reach that "miss you" stage. After they miss you, they'll end up disappearing again at some point. I've accepted they're only capable of casual arrangements, nothing long term or serious. Once you have that expectation it makes it much easier
Thank you so much. My friend wants so much to go beyond being just friends but has a huge wall up. Trust is lost and we need to build the foundation of trust first.
I would add 'spiritual' as a pillar. But your analysis is amazing. I always appreciate your insight and education.
Avoidants never love anyone but themselves
I had mistaken someone I was seeing for a dismissive avoidant when in fact they are a covert narcissist. I was too forgiving for this while she was manipulating me continuously. Once I realized she was a covert my mindset changed and left.
Be careful to know the difference
What was the trait that stuck out as her being narc?
@@frootypie I don't know if it was true for the person above, but in my opinion, the biggest difference is that a narcissist has ZERO emotional empathy. All about him or her. 100 percent.
@@linnie14 Sounds like most avoidants
Lol i got it mixed up the other way around. I hadnt heard of attachment styles yet. But i was married to a grandiose narcissist for 7 years so i am very familiar with those patterns. I was with an avoidant for 8 months. We got in our first fight and he gave me the silent treatment for over a week.....even when i texted him that i couldnt eat or sleep and i couldnt function after day 3. My ex husband used to use the silent treatment for weeks to punish me for any little thing he didnt like. I started watvhing youtube videos about the silent treatment and how its abusive which led to covert narcissism being mentioned and i honestly thought thats what i was dealing with for months. But it didnt quite fit. DA is probably closer to the truth but ill never know for sure because either way im not going back to someone who pushed me to that level of depression and anxiety and didnt care about my feelings at all. I dumped him bia text after 9 days of silent treatment. This was 3 years ago now. It took over a year to heal and then i met my fiance who is securely attached and a complete breath of peace and fresh air after what ive been through previously in my life. He loves me and never neglects me. I cant wait to be his wife!!! There is light on the other side of the horrible healing process from these emotional vampires.
Same here! Wasted five years trying to be forgiving with a covert narcissist. Life is just too short to be neglected and used by a person who only cares about themselves. I ended up having a heart attack from all the stress. With each discard and silent treatment I got stringer and finally it wasn't as hard to break free of him. It just hurts that he tells people that it was my fault, when I'm the one who put up with awful treatment continuously. 😢
I really wish I would have know about these attachment styles 2 years ago. My person broke up with me for the 3rd. Yes he came back 3 times. The last pause was 16 months. Had I know about this when he came back the 3rd time I would have been armed with more knowledge. Now he’s gone again because I pushed too hard. But 9 months into our next 1.5 years together he relocated to a different state so for the last 9 months it’s been long distance. Though we did see each other, it was about every two months. And now it’s over because he needs the space and he can’t meet my needs from 2000 miles away 😢
Did he get into another relationship during the time you're apart?
@@winterkai12 no. Either did I.
@@KD-hy3bi I wonder if you did No Contact during the 16-month pause before he came back. Mine broke up twice but I felt like I couldn't the 3rd time anymore. He's with a new person 3 months after our 2nd BU. It's tiring to have such an unhealthy pattern.
@@winterkai12 we did not speak. He asked for space so I gave it. He did not say goodbye. He simply pushed pause. It hurt. Tore me apart. But I went on a healing journey. We texted once or twice but I initiated it. He did respond then we were no contact again. It was about 6 months later that he came back. I was understanding, compassionate, loving, not hurt. I was always afraid he’d leave again. And we talked about that. And he left again. 11 days ago.
@@KD-hy3bi this definitely sounds like my ex too. Saying he won't leave the 1st time and 2nd time around we got together. It seems like they can't keep their words. It's hard keeping up with the emotional rollercoaster and it's triggering the nervous system so bad. You did your best, let him do the effort and realize what he lost. Space and time will speak for itself. I'm trying to do NC now, but somehow, we ended up reaching out at some point. But I'll leave it be since mine decided that a new relationship is the good thing to do instead of working out the issues in our relationship. Conflict avoidance is hard to deal with because it means they can't maintain a long and stable relationship. I know we deserve better.
7:58 “We have to normalize the discussion about needs in a relationships for them to work.” Yes, there’s hope if this happens. Time will tell. 💚
All the comments here are accurate. Leave the avoidant fast. They have too much going on in their head for you to help or fix them. Too much childhood trauma unless you are a therapist like this lady who posted the video. I only wasted a few months and figured it out that something was wrong as she was stringing me along.
Just say bye bye to the DA and move on. That’s the best advice. Don’t try to be a hero and fix them.
Thank you for all the knowledge that you share with us. It’s always very insightful and helpful 🙏🏻
I’m sick to death of coddling my 2 yr relationship with FA. I’ve been working on healing my core wounds, why can’t he?
They behave like scammers
FEARS MINUS FEELINGS, rather. As there's always that currency in the account, fear, while the other one, feelings, has been depleted.
Yes I always thought it didn't make sense when she says feelings minus fears
Avoidant should be left alone period! They shouldn’t having any relationship! Please stay away from them! If you can’t find a secure people, you better stay single! I’m divorcing my severe avoidant of 18 years relationship, it was hell! I had no choice that’s why I waited too long to divorce.
Most of us have had unstable, dysfunctional childhood experiences. As adults we are responsible for the way we show up in relationships. They DO NOT have a healthy relationship with themselves to begin with. They are obviously not equipped for " healthy " connections with others. Stop falling into delusions of " toxic hope" fantasizing they can make good partners.. They can't be if they are unhealed... ❤
But DAs can be very shaming when they want to distance
@@sophiafara5997 Then they show up as if nothing ever happened. No apology for the damage they leave behind. It’s insane !!
Right it almost sounds like a mental illness
If I end up marrying this Avoidant... I am sure I would end up having affairs with other men imagining him all the while! And when the other man is so good.. I would be very angry and jealous why can't the one I love connect .2% like these other men! And finally this avoidant would judge me saying, see you cheated on me like I said all women do it! Crazy idiot, I won't even be able to tell him back, 'it is you who drove me here, all the while I was imagining you'... Because he would be gone by then! No arguments, no explanations! He would have gone into his tortoise shell! Good Lord.. I wish I didn't love him this much to know what life with him is going to be and yet crave for him!
So do they fall in love when you leave ?
They have no idea what love is
@@harry-james-books Exactly!! 💯
After 4 years as a partner and friends before that, we are no longer in contact. It's too bad, actually. Too bad I didn't know this before I crossed the line.I still love her, but I had to move on.
We are living in a safe and mostly wealthy world. Our primary needs are met, we can travel, have youtube and other blessing of civilization. And still we are strugling with having healthy relationships.
Whenever I have a problem I often ask myself how would it be solved hundert years ago... How did ppl manage having families and rasing kids without electricity and painkillers?
It seems to me we are loosing our ressilience to deal with problems... Am I wrong`? Were ppl happier back then? How did they deal with relationship problems?
Absolutely. You're not alone in thinking this. I feel that mental resilience is gone. It's part of the increased fixation on rights and entitlement but not the responsibilities and duties that come with each new phase of life. Everyone wants to take but they are not interested in giving. The old values are gone I'm afraid. We're in the "Kali yuga" age of hedonism.
Words like "responsibility" and "dependability" and "reliability" have become pejoratives. Interdependence is considered weakness rather than a necessary aspect of a social species. They conflate it with codependence
Happiness wasn’t the goal then. Survival was the goal. People regularly lost multiple children before the age of five. Died in childbirth. Where killed doing dangerous back breaking jobs. Don’t romanticize the past.
Okay so are dismissive avoidance and fearful avoidance also usually narcissists or covert narcissists or do the qualities of avoidance and narcissists just mimic each other??
I’ve had a former love disappear and come back anywhere from one year to 8 years. On 3rd time I ghosted him. He’s in another state and I have zero interest now. It felt weird, but I don’t ever want contact. Sex addict who won’t admit it. I’ve known him 47 years and through marriages and divorces too. I’m FREE at last.
Leave these losers alone thats best for everyone Once a jerk always a jerk!!!!
GOODBYE!
this format really suits me
thank you, Thais!
I have been with a DA for a year and she just dumped me we had a conflict and she just disappeared.. just wanted to ask is it part of the traits of DA not to phone call?? We didn’t call over the phone over the last year only text messages or we physically meet
100%. No phone calls, only texts.
The phone call thing has surprised me. He will happily have phone calls with friends and family, but restricts our communication to text messages.
@@yellowtheresunshine wow that I didn’t know, that they talk to friends and family over the phone.
@JustMeAndMyBoy my DA takes calls from everyone but me, and does a lot of driving and will call people then but never me. He doesn't like being on the phone to a relationship person. We have just had the biggest conflict of our years long dating relationship, and I have had to work through it by text messaging because he won't phone call and is avoiding seeing me in person.
My DA would call me on occasions, but she wasn’t a severe avoidant for most of the relationship. Typically messaging though.
ARCADE- LOSING GAME
read the forbidden book Magnetic Aura on Borlest, and you'll see the secrets they're keeping from us.
...who are they? And why would...lawd, nevermind.
I just read the description of the Advanced Dismissive Course and thought: OMG, I'm dating that guy! At the moment, he has cut off communication because my feet swelled in hot weather and the shoes pinched that I had chosen to wear to a wedding. Some deal-breaker, eh? My avoidant fantasizes about other women and tells me about it, and seeks validation through drumming on open mic nights. He went haywire when those friends of ours told us they were getting married, disbelieving they could marry for love and companionship, not something material and transactional. In short, even though he has currently iced me out (third time), he drives me nuts! So I will look at the course, as the description fits my circumstances. It's the stuff you don't know that hurts you!
I don't think my ex will even think about coming back. She already villainized me to her friends and new BF. She was in a relationship with her BF for 1 year while we were still in a relationship as a live-in partner. She sabotaged our relationship and sabotaged my job with the help of her BF just to force me to help her get a Job. Then one day, she was gone, ended the 12 year relationship and left me jobless with 2 kids. She blamed me and left me puzzling what did i do that I deserve this from her. She treated me like her abuser childhood family.
really liked this video
Does EMDR cure an avoidant attachment ?
It can
They have to be willing
It definitely has helped me. I’m more aware now, and I’m single and very open about what I need in a relationship. I’m still extremely independent; it hasn’t resolved it.
I’m a DA, but I’m also an empath. Once I self-sabotage, I beat myself up, and I have tortured myself over messing things up. That’s when I seem to move into the more fearful-avoidant and get preoccupied space. It's already too late by that point and there’s no saving that relationship.
Being a DA is no fun at all. But yes, EMDR helped. However, without acceptance and self-awareness from a DA, I would not continue with them. If they can’t tell you what they need and if you’re too scared to be open about your needs, it will never work.
Good luck!
Am I the only one that can’t keep up with the speed of these videos ?? 🥴
Is your hearing slow? She’s just talking🤷♂️ you know if you need to slow it down, youtube has that function, look in the settings on the player.
Yeah. I watch her videos on 2x and enjoy it
What if complete no contact is impossible? I work with a DA friend and he engages with me but he is pulling away due to me calling him out on it. He has deactivated and idk what to do.
Live yo LIFE to DA FULLEST!!!
My DA was a former sex worker who had numerous red flags, so I dumped her after a long distance relationship that lasted about 10 yrs
The only way you can have an avoidant attachment style is if you had a childhood where your feelings were not recognized or acknowledged?…..there is no other way?
There's a lot of different ways to switch to a different attachment style actually. It can be due to childhood traumas or neglect, specific life events, relationships, life stressors, etc.
Simple examples, an anxious can become FA after being with a DA, a secure person can become anxious with an avoidant....
Your attachment style can also be different with your family and friends compared to the one with your partner.
@@RubyLinewhy would an anxious become an FA after being with a DA? To leave as a form of self protection? Asking as I’ve just been with a DA (prolly not my first) but def one of the most hard to be with and I notice myself exhibiting some FA qualities like intense stuff that comes out that was bottled up but that could also just be bottled up resentment from stuffing to keep the peace. I also felt like I’ve become more avoidant over the years after so many relationships gone wrong, I start to expect abandonment / rejection / loss and don’t trust it. But I don’t do the breaking up constantly thing that some FA’s do
@@kevinkurgansky4479 I will use myself as an example, but might not be the case for everyone.
Before being with my severe Da ex, I was Ap. But after being ghosted numerous times, given the silent treatments too, being ignored, lied to, neglected, taken for granted, the constant broken promises, all words and no actions, being emotionally abused for 2 years on and off (quite sure you know the typical cycle of unaware and unhealed Das). It triggered what's called protests behaviours, so if I remember well, instead of chasing them (a lot of Das say that they hate that, mine wanted me to chase him) I mirrored his behaviours.
No contact, ignoring him (not that he reached out, too much of a coward), I then started setting boundaries since I knew I deserved at least what I constantly gave him, but never received.
In a way, what he put me through made me realise that I deserved better than what he was offering me, so silence and nothing. After a while I broke up with him, a few times over the years actually. It's indeed for self-protection, to stop the emotional and mental turmoil, the overall harm due to that toxic dynamic.
I'm not surprised that you feel more avoidant if you had multiple relationships with Das and you were Ap. I wonder if it's not linked to the repetitive and predictable patterns of behaviours from Das. You can nearly sense (I know I did) when the discard phase is looming. So out of self-protection towards those behaviours, you've coped by being more avoidant in hope to keep yourself "safe" no matter what happens. Because the Das you've dated have consistently shown you that they're not emotionally safe or reliable.
You're right keeping things bottled up is an AP/FA thing. Usually it's indeed done to keep the peace, but that doesn't stop resentment from building over, it worsens the situation. I think that the constant breaking up thing for Fas really reflect how unstable they feel in a relationship. They never know what to expect, so in those instances they lean avoidant in hope to not feel the pain and feel relief. Same coping mechanism as a Da.
The important thing imo is to never forget that attachment styles are on the spectrum too.
Always remember that the only person you can change is yourself, and how you react or respond to what happens. The best way forward is to work on your own attachment style, to become secure, not ignore red flags, list your needs and dealbreakers, really learn to get to know someone before heading into a relationship and vet how things evolve. Learning to communicate neutrally and effectively, communicate the needs and boundaries, not tolerate disrespect or abusive behaviours, learn conflict resolution skills, etc.
I know it's a lot and seems impossible to achieve, but it's doable. And the work has so much value, you'll be able to weed out the people who won't be good partners to you.
Yeah it's long sorry. Hope it helps !
Not worth it honestly.
best!!!
I appreciate the messages in these videos, but I can't help but get a bit repelled at times... Look up "loudermilk talk like that" video... the coffee shop scene.
3 months now ... Of breaking up. What will happen
Be succinct and make your points imnediately.
Are they use sex so they won't fall in love?
Nor ALL, my DA likes to ENTERTAIN SITUATIONSHIPS & Future Fake about long term commitment leading to marriage. Along sex will be in the equation for REFUSING to FACE THEIR FEARS!
an instance where an a dismissive pulls the rug out on an avoidant
ruclips.net/video/RGV7cjjWetM/видео.htmlsi=0QwYi5xK5cys5ZwB
727
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really loved him so much I can’t stop thinking about him, I’ve tried my very best to get him back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of him, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss him and just can’t stop thinking about him
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Just done with a man who came and went over 47 years !! I think I had to love myself enough to show him the door.
Boring Nigerian scammers
👍
You really did not explain this very well. I enjoy listening to your talk.
But this one really fell short of what you were trying to convey or explain
Why don’t you create a channel and video and explain it better lol
@@SK-no2pp are you serious.🧐
commenting something so ignorant to me might make you feel better.
But you will not shame me into not being honest and sincere.
Thank You…
@@petegallegos5097 i could see how thais could reply to your original comment using your response verbatim, lol, just because *you* feel she "really did oot explain this very well" does *not* mean she "fell short of what [she was] trying to convey or explain" 🤨 part of the whole point of pds is understanding we don't all see or process things the same way so frankly i agree with the other response
@@r_and_a well I appreciate that you feel the need to respond.
But I’m confused why..?
You don’t seem to have said anything that would be appropriate
@@petegallegos5097 so defensive are we. 😂 you already feel shame
I know That's means well... however, DAs have to allow the Holy Spirit to prick their heart! Although the one I deal with is not high on the Richter scale of Narcissism (the DA I dealt w/would show Empathy at times) like my ex-husband, however, the DA that I love so dearly, has this in common w/a Narcissist, a spirit of STUBBORNNESS! It's a toddler type of stubbornness. It's the type of stubbornness when you deal w/a child, you have to break it off of the child & keep reinforcing consequences til they learn you stand on business.
This time around I'm prepared to go no contact AS LONG AS I NEED TO FOR HIM TO CATCH A HINT & CATCH A VOWEL!
DAs have to do the work! I dealt w/a DA since August 2021 & it's the SAME FREAKIN' MERRY GO ROUND! 🎠 I'm so TIRED to where I wipe my hands clean & pray Matthew 6 over him... "thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven". Tired of the Disrespect. Tired of the Lack of Accountability. Tired of him treated me low on the totem pole. Tired of him talking to me like a child. Tired of him being wreckless wit his mouth! Tired of him sulking into his wounds everyday, yet when I was share how my day was, he's very short, doesn't respond, &/or doesn't take the time to ask Clarifying Questions to let me know he's interested & want to LEARN MORE ABOUT ME... Tired of him being Easily Offended. Tored of him being Emotionally Unavailable! Tirrd of him being driggerrd when he tries to take shots at me with his words when I'm already in a VULNERABLE state! I'm TIRED OF HIS GASLIGHTING! I'M TIRED OF THE FAKE APOLOGIES WHEN HE USES BEING TIRED, SICK, OR A LOT GOING ON FOR WHY HE MOVES THE WAY HE MOVES!
I TOLD Saturday, September 21, 2024 that you NEED JESUS & THERAPY & A BODY OF SOLUD GODLY MEN WHO CAN CHIN CHECK YOU WHEN YOU'RE OUTTA POCKET!
So true
This is so me in relationships and life… 9:37
You gotta read Magnetic Aura from Borlest. Don't look it up or read anything about it. Just pick it up and read :D happy reading!