00:00 Download the Conscious Spending Plan so you can use your money GUILT-FREE: iwt.com/csp-youtube Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize.
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. I grew up and was taught that the man should take care of his family. I made most of the money in the family for years. She raised 2 kids with my help and she worked full time. We both had to be responsible spending money because there wasn't a bunch to go around for years. I finally got a life changing job and making 6 figures for the last 22 years. I put her through nursing school, bought a house, several cars for us and the kids over time, vacations every year. We built our savings and retirement and now I'm 55 and my body is shot and breaking down. I'm unable to keep doing what I'm doing. So I'm basically ready to retire and she's making the money now. Shes basically having to take care of me now. Maybe I had a crystal ball years ago or we just got lucky but we've always had a joint account and almost always never fought about who's spending what. We were a responsible team. It wasn't me against her. But we had a plan.
@@zalizine2153 Then they have the wrong partner. Don't stay with people who you can't trust. Some people only pick their partners for their looks and they get what they deserve in the end.
It sounds to me like he's just trying to be financially responsible....if she wants the money then she needs to be financially responsible as well and I don't believe he's asking too much... maybe if she were more financially responsible then she wouldn't need any money from him since he's paying all the bills
Everyone in the comments picking sides like the other partner is a monster. These two seems like good people and although they have some issues (who the hell doesn't), they're working through it. Props to them, I'm rooting for them and I think that they'll make it.
The podcast is discussing their morals though. Good people make really bad decisions when it comes to money. Neither of them is a monster, but it's obvious that some mindsets are really harmful.
A lot of the comments this time don't pass the vibe check for sure. Like the comment section has been invaded by a subset of icky people. Ramit was so right - they were sucked into certain stories and just cycling back through them over and over.
Because usually the female will pretend to be on the same page for as long as it takes to get the commitment, marriage and kids. Then the bait and switch after she has accomplished her goals.
@@tunde275that's absurd. If you look through sociological assertions, it makes sense that women will spend more on the family. Women are more concerned with the distribution of resources because it is often their role as they are more attuned to the needs of each individual family member. If you look around at your own life, you will probably see that this tracks. Did your father make sure to buy grandma new pajamas when she needed them? Or was it mom? Do you have male friends picking out the gifts for a friend's wedding or do the women take over that task? Is mom the one assuring the kids have new school clothes or is it dad? Does Dad buy all the necessary ingredients for dinner or was it mom?
saaaaaammmme sister. i started with the podcast when they didnt do footage. im in 2022 still but I cant wait to get back to these. ramit changed my financial life, its been great
I think this would be quite complex, but would add great value. Totally agree with you, as good as Ramith is now it now depends on the people and how they are at sticking with spending habits
I watched this episode, then I jumped to Tim Ferris's channel to listen to Ramit talk about pre-nups, and then I came to read the comments on this episode. I think what Tim was struggling with about pre-nups and what some commenters are struggling with in this episode (and other episodes with major financial imbalance) is Ramit starts with the assumption that couples love and respect each other. LOL. Many of you want Ramit to "call them out" or "bring down the hammer" on one person or the other. Find fault and blame, or worse tell the one you think is "right" to cut and run! But it's clear from how Ramit speaks that his own relationship brings him tremendous joy and that he really truly believes challenges can be address TOGETHER from a place of mutual love and respect. Ramit's Rich Life includes his wife and he presumes that when couples come on here their Rich Life includes each other. With that perspective, he's never gonna be a cut-throat jerk to the guests.
Ramit doesn't have kids. Having kids changes the relationship with your spouse, I don't care what anyone says, it's the truth. The couples that don't have kids definitely focus more on developing and growing their relationship. There's not a lot of time for that with littles around.
Like many things in the US of A people are made to believe pre-nups are bad and you are awful and “don’t trust” your partner, “thinking of divorce before you even marry”, etc. if you suggest it but really, I love the phrase “making a prenup is taking control of your prenup, if. Ot the government chooses it for you” and this is soooo real. Love that Ramit always talks about it and shares that he did it and how t has been an important aspect of his marriage
Come one is obvious that money is not something to be used without a plan. She should be mature enough to ask how much and when or on what, and if it makes sense. Notice how when is about money that benefits her is "we", but when is about the family is "he needs to give more".
The biggest decisions we make in our lives, getting married and having children, we go into, necessarily, when we are young, which is when we have no experience.
Buying “treats” and unnecessary things from Amazon everyday is childish when you can’t afford a $400 class. Also, if you can’t afford to take a $400 class RIGHT NOW then just save up for it until you can it’s not complicated.
@@vulpixelfulIdeally yes but I know plenty of couples that have separate finances because of spending issues. For example one partner has a gambling problem so the other does not allow them access to their savings account or checking out of fear they will spend it all. It happens
@@jackb616 If you think this is on par to a gambling problem, you have lost all form of nuance...framing a wife as wrong for thinking their finances are combined is wild
Watching these couples makes me feel like my husband and i set things up right from the begin. We each get 15% for our personal spending (no questions asked), investments/401k come straight out of our checks. We have automated savings for big purchases and family fun. We have not once fought about money.
This sounds like what my wife and I have. We use separate spending accounts for our 'no questions asked' spending that we automatically contribute to each other every month (we use Square Cash accounts, fyi, because they have debit cards linked to the accounts). On all other spending, it's a joint account that we share and budget with.
These two are very brave sharing their situation and trying to work through it. Ive always been curious about others financial situation as couples. I cant fathom how this works. I can see however, how important a discussion around this is. Never ever considered this...thanks for sharing ❤
This couple reminds me of what a gift it was for us to be dirt poor college students when we married. We worked together as a team to grow our marriage and financial life. 52 years later we are so successful in both our marriage and financial life.
I feel the same way! We met in college. We were broke as a couple. We made financial mistakes as a couple. We learned about finances as a couple. Now we have dreams and goals as a couple. There were definitely bumps in the road but there isn't that difference in power/parenting dynamic between us
Congrats on your long marriage! Meeting a partner early is both wonderful and a bit of a gamble because they haven't yet developed into the responsible/irresponsible adult they will become. Sounds like you found a "winner". That's fantastic!
My husband and I were the same. Broke college students living off ramen. Rode a bike to class together with me sitting on the handle bar. We both had very successful careers with me making a little more (both over 6figures) within a few years of working. We had a joint account but also personal ones. I was always very generous…. would buy gifts for him and his family. Nice clothes and toys for our daughter. He always said “cheap clothes will do… buy them with your money if it’s that important to you.” I didn’t mind cause I had a lot. It all changed when I became a stay-at-home mom. I couldn’t maintain my career in Finance. The belittling and accusations started quickly. That I was never able to save and “bad” with money. When in truth he enjoyed and benefitted from my generosity. I made the down payment for our home and contributed equally to our mortgage. Like the woman in this episode I had to ask for money. 20 bucks, 50 bucks to meet up with friends for drinks. My parents were furious. My friends started paying for my drinks and meals when going out, shocked at my situation. All my SAHM friends were getting allowances, no questions asked. I learned my lesson the hard way, now a decade later trying to get back to work.
Same for me. I got married during the lowest point of my life (in terms of career and finance). After a few tough years of struggling, our marriage got stronger. We stuck it through the tough times and now reaping the rewards of our good times. Never had a single fight about money. I feel the struggle years are so important to really stress test a couple.
I think it's telling that she feels resentment over her perception of him treating her "like a child" when he's just asking basic financial questions. I think she understands on some level that she is acting childishly towards money and is projecting that insecurity back out at him.
While I don’t disagree, on the flip side he clearly doesn’t know how to properly communicate his needs and feelings, so he just feeds on the resentment from her not doing exactly what’s in his head the way he deems it should be done. He’s not acting like a partner any more than she is, and the whole thing is just maddening.
Yes, definitely insecurity and defensiveness. I can kind of relate, not about money, but when I know I should or should not be doing something, if my husband called me out on it, getting defensive and turning it back on him as if it's his fault I feel bad.
@@BrandonBamesI love that there's a lot of nuance in Ramit's episodes. Usually there's no one "bad guy" in the relationship - they each have room to grow. Except that girl who was earning twice her boyfriend's salary and wanted him to treat her to dinner more often!
But frankly, I don't ask my husband when I want to buy something, unless I want his opinion on whether I should buy it or not. I don't need his permission to buy anything, not even with money from our joint account. Just like he can buy whatever he thinks we need from the joint account without getting my permission. We both discuss things that will affect the other person (like if he wants to buy a bike and it might be in my way, or if I want to buy a cabinet to store my craft stuff that'll take up some of our guest bedroom. If we think it won't work well, we'll figure out how to make it work for both of us. If he wanted me to ask him every time I wanted to do something, I'd feel micromanaged. This couple needs two things: 1 - communication, and 2 - mutual trust. The main problem here is she thinks he's going to look down on her for not having enough money, and by asking questions to determine whether or not to give her money he's reinforcing that feeling she has that he's looking down on her choices. So she doesn't give him the benefit of the doubt and he doesn't give her reason to think that she's wrong about not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Eh honestly I'm in the camp of 3 accounts, his hers and joint. Joint is for the family, your individual you can spend whatever as long as you are responsible and don't get into debt
This sounds so strange to me. You want a joint account but you don't feel like you should need to "prove" that you are financially responsible? Ina discussion about sharing finances, both of them should have been asking the questions he was asking her. The fact that she feels belittled and patronized is a really bad mindset, and I'm not surprised that it turned him way off the idea.
She’s not a child, and it’s not even clear she’s acting like one. Notably, she’s responsible for variable expenses and he is responsible for fixed expenses. Being in charge of the mortgage payment and daycare is easier than being in charge of groceries. He clearly thinks she is childlike, and he seems to have contempt for her. There’s also no opportunity to “prove” anything if he never tries putting some money in a joint account and handling expenses that way. It’s not like he has to give her access to every penny of his accounts and savings to start working as a team and sharing expenses. Personally I don’t think they’ll last as a couple. Contempt is the most predictable sign of relationship failure. He’s not opening up about his fears or worries. He seems to think he’s better than her, and therefore should be in control of this aspect of their relationship (whether she likes it or not). He’s using terms that show his distain for her reactions. It’s too bad. They could be much stronger working together - and even if he’s right about her spending, he could help her instead of just restricting her.
Prospective couples need to watch Ramit’s videos before tying the knot….. he really exposes real life issues in marriages that are tied to money! Knowledge of financial does and don’ts would save a lot of relationships
My husband and I sat down and created a budget for our household and our savings goals. This includes everything related to our household: groceries, medical bills, mortgage payment, debt payments, gas for both cars, kid expenses, vacations, dinners out, savings, retirement etc etc. We then both agreed on amounts that we were going to both put into our joint checking and savings account each month to achieve our joint goals. What each of us have left beyond that goes into our personal accounts and that's money for each of us to spend on guilt-free stuff as we please. My husband uses his money to feed his hobbies and most of mine goes to fancy coffee and a gym membership. My husband makes 4x what I make but I never feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
The husband feels the wife doesn't have a plan. When he asks her about it, she feels attacked because she knows she doesn't have a plan, and she thinks it's working. He is trying to consider her feelings but objectively thinks something needs to change. The funny part is she feels like a child and he is asking her to be an adult. Hopefully, the therapy helps.
At minute 32ish you see the point of the matter. She said something impulsive and frightening, "I stopped saving because that's my money" and "I didn't tell you because I wanted to see if I could do it". She knows she needs help so she feels insecure when he questions her and she deflects the problems to her husband. It's a circle and he's not allowed to say she is out of control.
I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to the wife, but the more listening the more I realized that, even though the husband is not doing the right thing, per se, he certainly has a reason to not trust his wife she is not acting like an adult and I can totally see why he’s making the mistakes he’s doing such a Difficult situation to be
I kind of feel like neither one of them have much of a plan. Which I think is part of the problem. I can def. see how they got to where they are at...but. the best way to get on the same page might be a struggle.
I agree with the husband on this one. He pays a majority of the bills, and also takes care of all the other 'surpise' things that come up. She doesn't mind when he pays for her tires without question but gets upset because he doesnt trust her when she cant even save $100. Also he makes no bones about the condo being hers entirely. Hopefully they can get on the same page
@@vulpixelful He probably drives their kids too in his own vehicle. It's not about getting a moralitiy medal, its the fact he's responsible enough to make sure the money to take care of it. She wasn't understanding that his financial goals allow for that where hers do not and she's not seeing that
@@kelseyoakes8287 They are in a marriage, they shouldn't have separate financial goals (for joint expenses). That's their problem. She overspends but he's not opening up either. But in the meantime, him phrasing it like it was paying for _her_ when it was a joint expense that was 100% necessary for the safety of his family...lmao no
Blindly combining accounts with someone who can't be financially responsible puts the entire family at risk. What happens when she spends the new-found surplus money on unnecessary stuff, then an emergency hits, and they don't have the savings for it? He is right to be cautious and wanting to see discipline before taking that plunge. In a marriage, you do what's beat for the family, not simply what makes a person feel good. Given their current situation, what's best for the family is separate accounts since he's the responsible one who plans for emergencies. He doesn't seem opposed to the idea of combining, but it's fair that he wants reassurance that she too prioritizes the financial safety of the family (and you don't do that by buying $400 classes and a bunch of trinkets on Amazon when you run out of money for groceries at the end of the month)
@@vulpixelful he was paying for her because she called it HER car. HER condo. Not our second car, condo, etc. It is in the interest of the family indeed, but how come SHE doesn't prioritize having funds to take care of the car for the sake of taking care of the family? Why is HE the only one in the duo thinking about those what-ifs scenarios and planning for them? That's the issue, and it's completely understandable he fears combining finances.
Thank you Ramit! I'm so grateful videos like this exists on the internet. These conversations are so insightful and you handle them with so much empathy. Ive learned so much from listening to these videos and reading your book. Best content on RUclips ❤
I am wondering what episode people in the comment watched, but I do not see a lot of unnecessary spending here. You are not building up 600k in net assets under 40 by being an excessive spender. I also do not see that the "fun spending" is that one-sided; it looks relatively balanced. The problem is that everything is very convoluted, so both parties are likely not fully aware of how much they spend on what.
The thing I didn’t hear is “why” does she need the money to be shared? If it’s to spend more, say it. He does treat her like a child but honesty, he might have to do this. I’ve seen a number of couples go down the drain due to one person’s overspending. Not saying it will happen to them but that’s his fear.
💯 he says he asks clarifying questions and she gets frustrated and only replies that she feels like a child when asking for money. If she wants to do a class then don't overspend on junk (like chocolate, house decor) track your own guilt-free spend money by saving for luxury things or big expenses like a class
Because they are partners and she has no idea about their finances. He spends as he chooses, but she has to go to him and plead her case for every expenditure, exactly like a child. Ironically, I suspect that he'd have much less anxiety over money if he was more open with her and they shared the burden and set their priorities together. In no universe is one spouse justified in treating the other as a child.
@@SheilaR.08exactly. I would guess as well that she is expected to handle all the finances which he doesn't deem necessary but are absolutely a part of daily living with children.
We are older than this couple, and had always had separate finances. He gives me a fixed amount each month. I pay all the bills, and I pay for all my nonessential stuff. For this couple, I feel he is correct to be cautious financially. She is a spender. She spent all her money and then she wants his.
It’s really strange to me when pple who are married separate their finances especially when they have kids together.. “I pay for everything for the kids” (mother).. WTF, that’s pretty wild
Right it’s so odd and extra confusing and more work and stress. Just pool it then transfer your own $$ for spending etc. if u don’t have kids I guess it’s fine.
Why even bother being married if you're "covering" each others expenses when they're both of your children. If you wanted to be separate people with separate finances, you shouldn't have legally become one entity in the eyes of the law.
The husband is absolutely right!! He makes absolute sense. One person in a relationship can be a reckless spender while the other person is focused on the current and future financial situation.
Disagree that wife is "reckless spender" but the confusion about rental income & what/when bills get paid out of that income fund was VERY CHAOTIC. If you paid attention, you would realize wife was the partner with a large asset PRIOR to marriage, which she could have opted to protect with a Pre-Nuptial Agreement. She got the down payment for condo from her 401K. That doesn't sound like a "reckless spender".
@@jeromehenry4484 The couple has a net worth of 600k, of which 200k is the apartment once we subtract the debt. As mentioned, there was a significant increase in value during the time of their marriage. Very likely, she had also contributed towards her 401k during the marriage. As such, I would expect that at the time of the marriage, she had relatively little net assets.
Why does she need to be ordering anything off of Amazon stop that right now, I'm a woman and I don't order anything off of Amazon. Make her stop spending.
@@jeromehenry4484I agree she's reckless and why does she have credit cards in the first place and why is she spending money on Amazon she's got a problem
I found this one fascinating on a few points mainly aimed at the wife. The husband is far from perfect - but it looks like he's read the book and implemented some of the techniques. 1. I think the wife has a fixed amount that she wants to sell the condo for rather than basing it on the market and lack of investment and clearing debt. With 80% fixed costs that should be the priority. She's lucky she has this get out of jail card. She also needs to realise if she holds out too long with no tenant it could end up with it costing more ,than taking an offer slightly lower than she would ideally like. 2. They didn't really address where she is spending her 1500 a month that's an insane amount of money based on their costs rather than their income. Ramit hinted that it's not small items - there will be certain things that she's spending it and but she didn't seem to want to be transparent about it 3. In the follow up she talked about "trying" to do a lot of things/changes but I couldn't really hear commitment and when she talked about what she learned it was more related to what to do with they money from the condo and less with applying the strategies and changes in behaviour that need to be made. Having said all of this - what I love about these podcasts is the bravery of the people who participate and how much we can ALL learn from them. For example, I have a number of habits in my life that I am getting away with that don't really serve me and episodes like this give me time to self reflect and remind me to take action to address them.
Yeah the 1500 on just food is crazy, but 1500 in food, clothes, kids toys, cleaning supplies, toothpastes and such is not crazy. Would have love to have seen a break down
If you've been to Bozeman, you'd understand. It's now referred to as "Bozeangeles". They could raise their income greatly just by moving to another town. The housing market there is crazy. That's why she can list her condo at that price.
I was wondering if part of the groceries was household items such as cleaners and paper products. Dan mentioned "stuff appreaing in the house" I'm willing to bet she buys house decor bc it's cute.
@Allison - Don't put that condo sale money into his account only for retirement. Make sure if he's not combining finances with you, you keep money in your own retirement account. He hasn't shared his house title with you? You are putting yourself into a very precarious situation. Trust your instincts.
Why are they using descriptions like “random chunk of money” when they’re talking about her condo investment and the huge contribution it’s brought to the marriage? I don’t think she ever gets acknowledged for this.
The context is that it's something that will only happen once and is not a part of any ongoing income. So although it's a big help now, it's not a sustainable solution to any ongoing budget challenges they have to face in the future.This is what they mean by "random" (won't happen again).
A lot of people in the comments are hard on the wife, but I think both of them are responsible for the major trust issues in their relationship. She wants joined accounts, he does not, and instead of telling her plainly "I do not want to join our accounts," he keeps setting vague goals for her to achieve - but these are not SMART goals - so they cannot really be achieved; his criterion is his own nebulous "when I will feel better". The wife has low agency and acts like a teenager, her overspending seems like a teenage rebellion because she feels disempowered. Meanwhile the husband says he does not spend on himself and yet buys a gigantic truck for his hunting (which is a hobby). He says he is a saver, yet the savings rate is too low. Wife should have done a prenup to protect her premarital asset (condo), which she is now selling to pay off the husband's hobby truck. Both of them are responsible for their situation. They earn well and are actually in a strong position just based on their income and net worth. This should not be an issue, and yet it is. Both of them should take responsibility and come together as a team.
After her 30% contribution and his 70% contribution, she's actually left with more money than he is and yet she still wants more. God knows how she's spending $1.5K on groceries a month, it's 2 adults and 2 babies. That leaves her $3.5K a month and she even has to bring up the fact that she has to pay for her own petrol. He also now covers all of the daycare costs. She's a child, she wants access to the rest of the money and she's using manipulation tactics to try and get access. She wants to live a life of luxury, it's that simple. Regarding his savings, it's on point. They've been married i think just over 2 years and he puts $250 a month into the savings account, which is at $7.5K. I can guarantee 100%, if he gives her access, the savings will go down and she will put both of them into debt.
@@MadDog_Rules 1500 is very reasonable in groceries with the cost of food now. 🤷 If you want to make decent meals for the family, it definitely costs like that.
The goals are perfectly clear. Nothing vague about it at all. She's acting like a child, maxing out credit cards. You CANNOT be a responsible adult and give people like that access to unstable income. The guy mentioned he can pretty much go two months sometimes without a paycheck. Imagine having all your money gone on non-essentials and then having six weeks of taking out bad debt to get by. That is actually what would happen if he put his money in a joint account with her.
This started out so tense… When Allison called Dan the “breadwinner“ I just about died! Doing finances together with your mate is imperative sit down once a month and have a “financial meeting“. Both of you bringing numbers to the table. Not one person the other. My husband and I have separate accounts and one joint account, but we are on each others Accounts. I handle all of our personal and business finances because my husband hates paperwork. We went for years fighting because he was in the “parental“ role… Same as Dan. It does not work! It must to be partnership. we have accomplished SO much more working together. I’m excited for this couple.❤❤
As a single woman who purchased a condo before the marriage, she should not intermingle the proceeds of her condo sale. If they happen to divorce later down the line, he's going to get half of what was her sole and separate property, leaving her with her lower income and two kids to care for. It happens.
It is beyond refreshing how empathetic Ramit is and he tries to understand the nuances and origins of the issues and how people got to the place they are at. He is respectful of the guests who have shown tremendous courage to come on the show and help everyone learn from them. Love to see couples light up during the conversations and find their way back to each other.
According to the interwebz food costs 10% more where they live than in my area. $1500 a month can be lowered probably reasonably by $250 a month or more. $1000 i know from experience would be a stretch in that area for family of 4 especially as they get older.
It’s pretty unfair that the wife is categorized as the “spender”. He gets to be the hero paying for the fixed costs and she is the villain as the spender. Buying food, toilet paper, diapers, wipes, detergent for the family is necessary and expensive. He’s a big guy that requires a lot of calories I’m sure. That is a family expense that she pays for. I think he should do the grocery shopping for 2 months. If he can reduce the cost that’s great but $1500 a month for a family with young kids is not a lot. She’s also setting up the family’s financial future with the asset she brought in.
Yea no accountability spending her whole salary plus the condo income With little savings. You can't get everything you want like a toddler in the store I'd say I'd say she earned that but that doesn't make her a bad person
I’m with the husband. It seams like the wife wants to spend without consequence. Husband see the consequences and keeps tight to keep the family safe. And she doesn’t see that
at the end of the day you married her. You should know her personality and how she handles things. There's probably good she brings too so you gotta deal with her bad.
This episode has emphasized how important it is to marry someone who has the same financial outlook as you. I asked my wife before we were engaged about her debt and spending (shared mine as well) we created a separate budgets. She had to work n update it herself until we got married and she said she would rather I do it and update her regularly. It worked for us, she has access to all accounts and spends how she wants, she knows the goals and plans. We shared a lot and discussed a lot so the trust is there. If you are reluctant to have that conversation then you won’t have a successful financial partnership. Personally, maybe his approach needs improvement but he has the right idea and she fought it. Trust is earned, not given. I handle the budget because I earned that from my wife, I earned her trust.
I completely understand her. It does feel like she is not the partner and not an equal. So having kids and whole lives together is ok but not shared finances? Makes no sense!
I personally wouldn't feel threatened or demeaned if my partner wanted to know about my spending. Accountablilty and guardrails are healthy in a relationship. Because of their weird division of bills , Dan didnt have a clear picture of the expenses of running the home. Also there's a false sense of trust since their relationship progressed really fast.
Loved this episode, resonated with me because their numbers are very similar to my own family's, down to the income and number of kids. I always felt like my numbers were bad, but I struggled to see a way to improve them with the expense of daycare. It's nice to know that it's ok for the number to look not great for a number of years before the daycare ends and the numbers will fix themselves. Daycare alone takes my family's fixed costs from 58% without them, to 73% with them.
I'm in the exact same place with two kids in daycare! It costs more than our mortgage! They're moving to a full day preschool in the fall and we'll be saving $1200 per month but right now our fixed costs are 78%.
In this episode feels like Rammit is blindsided. He is not saying she cannot spend money, he is protecting the family by saving in advance because of past events. He is paying all the bills and she is buying everyday new things in Amazon. lol of course he wants an explanation of why she does not have money and wants more, I would want to! It’s not about one person needs, it’s about the family needs as they are 4 people!
It is also about control. Why can they not save together for an emergency fund? Why does he have to keep it away from her? Is she an alcoholic he has to hide alcohol from?
They decided not to combine finances! He's keeping his money from her ,she has her money which she has spent so she can wait until payday for her money.
Its not lost on me though that his expenses are clear cut and exact. He knows exactly how much he’s going to be paying each month. This makes it much easier for him to budget. She is paying for all THEIR kids variable stuff. Groceries are very variable, kids medial stuff SUPER variable. I bet a bunch of the stuff she buys on Amazon are for the FAMILY and thus should be a shared cost. He is able to save so easily because she is taking on the hard stuff. They also need some more transparency. He should be able to see what she is buying! And she should be able to see how much money is in savings. He says he has to cover expenses even though they are FAMILY expenses.
@@angelikalaser7778 she said she don’t want to save because is her money lol. And then when asked to review the expenses in the Walmart app she was highlighting the $1 ones… and about her condo he said, it’s yours so you can decide… it’s that control? Their fix cost are 77%… I mean… I can understand why he is concerned
She literally has more free spending money than he does at the end of every month while making half as much and saving nothing because he is covering all the largest bills.
Wait…she saved all the money from the condo rental and used a portion to make her car payments while she was on maternity leave. Did you see the total amount of his savings!? He has almost NO savings and admitted to putting aside only $250/mo…for apparently a very short time. That, my friend, does mot describe a saver ….
WHY do they need to have all of their money combined? If they have such a different approach to money they are better off not fully combining finances, imo. Why don't they each keep their own individual accounts and open 1 joint account so that they can draw from there for joint expenses in a way that is fair. Not 50/50 but more like 60/40 if he brings in more money than her. Why does it have to be all or nothing?
That's my thinking. Everyone is assuming that combining means combining all of it, when it could be portioned so that part goes into shared expenses (I.e. housing) and part goes into their respective "me" money.
I can see why he’s cautious about combining finances as she doesn’t have a good track record of her managing her own finances and overspending. Like she said, the only reason that’s she saving money is to get his trust and not really because she wants to save money. I feel like she doesn’t get the big picture and understand the whole importance of saving money like he does which is to prepare for the future and help protect the family while she only wants to save money to please her husband and gain his trust. Like others have said here, doesn’t sound like she’s mature enough for them to combine finances.
Love it! This is the best “sermon” I heard today! We will go through this lesson for as long as we need to learn it. Thank you for sharing this experience Tim.
Ramit, what is happening. They have 3k a month in guilt free spending and you are talking about their daycare and their home sale? They have money to allocate, why are they saying they dont have money at the end of the month???
I have a friend who when newly married we discussed finances and I found out that she was responsible for all fixed costs related to the home. It was 90% of her salary. This was because when they bought the home, her husband paid the downpayment. They came to an agreement that they would review this again in 3 years. She went into debt paying for everything else she needed. Her husband saw this and didnt help because of separate finances and would tell her to work more spend less. All the while he was buying anything he wanted. Fast forward to 3 years she finds out that the downpayment was a gift from his parents. He didnt disclose that to her.... shes still with him btw smh now with a baby. Its gotten worse and shes trapped.
My relationship was like theirs, my ex managed all the finances and I gave him all my money then I had to ask for grocery money and money for our 4 kids. 20 years later he left me with 850k in IRS tax debt for using my social security number for his business, and he only saved cash and took it all when I told him I wanted a divorce. I ended up with no money and 850k in tax debt and 60k in collections. Ladies, never never never let this happen. Become involved in the finances. She should have signed a prenup and also paid off her car and saved the remainder in HER retirement. I hope they are able to figure things out.
Am I the only one noticing that he agrees to mutual accounts only after she talks about pouring $200K of HER money into THEIR retirement account, college funds for their children and HIS truck? I was in a similar situation in the past and this is something I'd tell my younger Self: "Find a reason to go somewhere for a week. Let him pick up where you left off, learn the price of groceries and all the things the children need as well as the amount of time and effort it takes to parent and run the household. Don't worry, they will all survive. If by the time you are back he hasn't developed a whole new level of appreciation of You and everything that you do daily for the family, RUN! If he understands, but it is short lived and everything goes back to the way it was, RUN. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache." I can not wait for Ramit to have children and realise what it takes to make and raise a human. Allison, why haven't you talked about diapers and wet wipes, diaper rash lotions, clothes and shoes, and endless laundry and cleaning (which takes supplies) etc. when asked questions about your outrageous grocery shopping? You don't buy just groceries at Costco and Walmart, do you? I think this is my first time ever commenting on a RUclips video, lol.
Yea, Ramit is also irresponsible in this because he does not have a family. Men often don't realize what it takes to provide for the family because they don't handle the daily distribution with the kids and meals.
This is why women are single and divorced and can't find any good men, because men will sacrifice their happiness for their family, but women will sacrifice their family for their happiness.
He criticized her money management skills because he doesn’t want the financial responsibility of his family. But she turned out to be smarter than him and is making a huge profit from her condo sale and is planning to use it on their family he is quiet. He doesn’t deserve her as a wife.
My husband and I have joint accounts and if there is a large purchase we anticipate to make we sit down and discuss it. We have been married for thirty three years but know each other thirty five years never in our marriage have we had separate accounts. We make purchases like food and clothes and other things we buy together and if I want to buy anything for myself I look at our finances to see if it’s a doable thing. If not I wait till the money is there. I never ask my husband for money. I’m not a child and he’s not my parent. We are a team
I’m 20 minutes in and struggling. She does look and present herself as a teenager. It would help if she presented money topics from a more mature perspective as a team member of the family.
I have to agree…as a woman with ADHD, I wonder if Allison might have ADHD as well because it would explain the impulsive purchases, lack of cohesive plan and thinking ahead, and also her communication style. But either way, she would do well to gain some confidence and assertiveness in how she communicates, because it really does give off a parent-teenager dynamic at times
My wife and I have separate accounts. Wow, seeing this shows me how childish I used to be. I’ve been on both sides of the fence, but more on hers and I filled with the lottery regret, especially seeing and hearing it from somebody else, just think of all the money I’ve spent. Now I make a little over 100% more than my wife and I’m starting to try to show her to save the majority of it.
I understand couples who want to keep accounts separate, but that’s where the CSP comes in. Both people save 10% regardless of how much they make. How much you save will be relative to your CSP
Yeah, I was thinking this too. With a CSP they'd have a clear amount for guilt free spending too. The problem of 'I can't afford this' can be answered with 'Well, that's what we budgeted for'.
Love that, according to this comment section, its *his* money when it comes to monthly income but *their* money when it comes to asset allocation of the condo sale. She's brining a lot to the table asset wise and that contribution shouldn't be ignored. Ramit is spot on that they need to combine and get on the same page with their rich life.
Married couples don't need to combine their accounts. They don't even need to have a separate, joint account. All they need to do is have individual accounts and 1) agree on a budget, 2) agree how much each partner contributes to the budget, and 3) which partner will actually pay the bills. Here is the magic...beyond the monthly transfer to the bill paying partner, whatever is left over in each partner's individual account, they are free to spend at their own discretion. This provides an optimal combination of responsibility, security, and individual freedom.
Ramit talks about it. This is option 1 of 2. He doesn’t prefer this method because ppl don’t generally reassess changes in financial situations. ie raises, new bills, increases in utilities etc. Option 2, and Ramits preferred method is combining accounts
@@lizRomrell What I am saying is combining accounts is not only unnecessary, in this case and many others like it, I believe it is a mistake. It gives the spender too much freedom, at the expense of the saver's peace of mind, and is only likely to increase tension. For combined accounts to work long term, it requires a single mindedness towards finances that is a rare quality in today's relationships. Practically speaking, for most couples, it is better to disagree over where to spend the money (budget changes) than where it was spent (combined account).
My husband is bad with money and doesn't really want to be involved. His entire check is deposited into my account and on the first of each month I put money in his account and he can spend it any way he wants to. My only request for him is that if he needs something or wants something, he needs to give me a 30 to 60 day notice to put it in our budget. For example he wanted a new winter coat last year so he needed to give me advance notice and an approximation on how much it was going to cost. He doesn't have to spend his money on things like that, it comes from our budget. We're both happy with the arrangement and will have 40 years this year. I do make him look at our retirement accounts, stock and bank accounts once a year just so he knows where we are financially and the only debt we have is the house.
There’s no point taking sides here. They’re both right and they’re both wrong. What they have in common is that they love each other. They came to Ramit expecting financial advice and were happier by the end of the session. What they got was couples therapy without even knowing it.
Totally agree, too many people being hypercritical towards wife. As far as we know based on information provided to audience, wife was the one that had Assets PRIOR to marriage, but these negative commenters are ignoring that fact.
Blows my mind how many married couples I know that don't combine finances. I'm married and we combined ours right when we started living together pre-marriage even. It's never been an issue. If you don't trust your spouse enough to combine finances, you probably shouldn't be getting married in the first place is how I look at it.
The husband is paying all the major bills. And the wife pays for some things like food and feels she can spend what she wants afterward... Right? Thats the way it works. The husband makes more therefore the burden falls on him to 'cover' whatever the wife needs/ wants after using all the play money beyond her bills. This is all because he makes more so it falls on him. I get it I really do. This is not fair. And correct he said, 'I want to spend too and I can't.' Again not fair to the husband.
He does spend on himself. In his own words, he goes hunting a lot. Hunting incurs costs. It's a luxury. He justifies the big truck because he needs it to go hunting. Maybe his self-pity was masking his own self-indulgence.
Wish Ramit had suggested setting up a savings account for set-aside expenses that show one or twice a year & divide by 12 months to get the monthly amount to hit that goal. Husband mentioned that his income fluctuates; there should be another fund to put aside "extra funds" in prosperous months to cover down months.
@@SuzanneUhunting can be expensive or it can be basically free it really depends on the situation he probably but you only need one gun to hunt, bullets are relatively cheep, there are free places to go hunt just a tag fee is about it. If you butcher the animal it’s basically another source of income/providing sooooo how is it a problem.
I love these videos. This is relatable and personal. It’s real. I appreciate those that put their lives out there for us to relate to. Great learning material.
I am not working right now because of a move. I have taken a career break in life too. My husband always ensures that I have enough in my account for whatever I need and never questions where I spent the money. I am also not reckless spender of course. But, this setup has been pretty much unsaid. Listening to this conversation, I feel blessed. Couples need to take care of each other's needs. People first, then money. I don't understand how such basic problems or personality differences go unchecked before getting married.
I’d max out your Roth IRAs this year and max out your 401ks through work, then use some of the condo cash to live on. For the kids: Montana allows you to deduct $6k/year as a couple for 529 contributions, so I’d spread those out over a few years. Finally, make sure you’re maxing out your medical FSAs and Dependent care FSAs. Good luck to you both!
My husband and I have shared accounts. We agreed early on that if either of us wanted to buy something over $100 that we would discuss with each other. Anything under that is no discussion. We both see what we have at any given time. We have never fought over money. 20 years of mutual respect has worked well for us.
People don't need to combine the accounts simply because they are married, but people need to have a plan. Deciding to keep the incomes separate STILL means they need a plan for the shared expenses. Often I think one party is the foolish one, sometimes it's the saver, usually the spender, but in this case they are both fools and they should really get a new therapist who can make them work better together as a team.
I liked this episode a lot! It really felt like both of them wanted to be a team with money, they just didn't know how to do that effectively. It was nice to hear an episode where both parties really seemed to care about each other and their future together as a family.
My partner and I don't fully combine finances but we pay in the same amount to a joint account and that pays for all shared things such as food and bills. This way there is still an incentive to manage your own spending outside of necessities. The woman in this video is deluded thinking that her husband should pay for her $400 classes or whatever she fritters money away on. She makes plenty to contribute to a comfortable lifestyle but she obviously wants more than that and it's not fair that he should fund her expenses. The fact he is paying way more of the fixed costs and she is spending way more on 'guilt free' just shows how unequal it currently is - yet she wants even more!
I love couples, it’s so interesting watching both sides be the victim and the aggressor, neither is perfect and they have co created this dynamic, it’s a good reminder to take a breath and make sure we approach situations with mutual respect and love
I would never combine finances with anyone at all for any reason. I don't care how wonderful you are, I've had a first-row seat to watch people fight over money for a decade. Last thing I would do is willingly put myself in that spot.
Prenups can never take into account all the unpaid for labor that women undertake in having children and handling almost all the logistics of the household. If you check the statistics on this, women still do over ninety percent of childcare.
Let’s be real taking care of kids at home is much more easy than working a 9-5/9-7 day in and out to support your family. With out the social stigma of men being stay at home dads looked at as feminine and lazy I think a lot more men would opt to stay home while the wife is the breadwinner. It’s not even a question that sitting at home with your kid watching Elmo and making a grilled cheese is as difficult as running a business. It’s a joke and a Delulu one at that.
Where was the bit where we ask 'How much of the condo money does Allison get to keep for HERSELF?' Has Dan though about asking her if he can have some?! This one blew my mind but I think Ramit navigated it skillfully so they we're able to come to a conclusion. I'm just glad I'm not married to someone like Dan.
@@janefinance He is not at all hoarding the money he is trying to do right and keep them stable. He pays for all the big ticket items that come up like $1500 for tires and what ever else on top of paying all the big bills like mortgage car insurance and utilities. Did you even watch this or are you just ignorant?
They're in very good shape! And although they both had their challenges, is great that they seem to be working well together and going to therapy. They're heading in a better direction. And its also no surprise that she didn't have anything left at the end of the month if she was paying 2k a month for daycare, all of the food and childrens things. Im glad that they found a way to make it more evenly split.
I am proud of this couple and I am rooting for them and hoping that therapy works for them. The husband is a saver and planner and thinks about the future. The wife is a spender and just thinks about the now. If she were married to a spender like herself they’ll be a much bigger hole. Likewise if the husband were married to a saver like himself, he’ll be much further savings wise. Honestly I first I thought the wife wasn’t earning any money. She’s not managing her money well tbh and the husband is afraid that if they combine finances, all the money would be gone and they will have nothing to pay their bills. The wife feels like a child because she exhibited some childlike behaviors in this podcast.
This was a great episode. Especially near the end talking about Big decisions having such a huge impact (like selling the condo). Looking back, my husband (I’m a widow since 2020) and I used to love to buy houses, always that we wanted to use, or would want to use- such as on the lake (4 houses over the years), in the Florida Keys on the water, and now my primary residence in Cocoa Beach, which we purchased in 2006- way overpriced) intending to rent out until we could eventually retire there. None of these except to Cocoa Beach condo did we own for more than 2-5 years, never deemed any of them our primary residence. But all them gave us enormous profit when we sold. Always on our own without a broker (even though I was in real estate). And with all of the sales fairly high in value, you can see where the profit came from. But the real reason I’m writing was to say I subscribed to Masterclass after hearing your ad, even though I was out on the water rowing at the time. Thank you, Ramit.
I respect them a lot for going through couples therapy and financial counseling. They are putting in the work they need to as a new couple and they just need a mediator
Groceries are $300 a week laundry detergent toilet paper paper towels body wash shampoo cleaning supplies and food is easy 1500 a month. You have to replace things like kids clothes shoes etc. single moms struggle because of this go on strike don’t buy toilet paper cleaning supplies and toothpaste just say I’m saving money if you want toothpaste buy it it’s 6 a tube right now want toilet paper buy it it’s 22 for a pack of a family of four want to eat serve cheaper meals etc. I’m glad you took over daycare.
really interesting! lucky they had that condo. I just hope she can actually stick to the plan going forward - she kept using the word 'try' in her follow up which usually means someone is not fully committed.
I am not going to be accountable for my own spending behavior (So act like a child) but I am mad when he, who spends all of his time making most of the money won't let me be irresponsible.
Watching Ramit's channel it starts to seem more and more impractical for couples, especially parents, to have separate accounts. Even though I see where Dan is coming from. I feel like in their case it more a matter of framing it better, improving the communication style.
It’s WILD to me that people are married and have kids and don’t share back accounts. It’s so weird to me unless they are like an addict or have something serious going on like I’m truly confused by this. You are married.
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Please remember: These are real people who had the courage to come on my podcast and ask for help. Would you be willing to come on this podcast and share every detail of your financial life? Feel free to leave comments based on what you think, but remember that we are here to help in a supportive way, not to demean and criticize.
Agreed
Monthly budget meeting solves this whole thing
That'd called a narcissit
My wife and I have been married for 32 years. I grew up and was taught that the man should take care of his family. I made most of the money in the family for years. She raised 2 kids with my help and she worked full time. We both had to be responsible spending money because there wasn't a bunch to go around for years. I finally got a life changing job and making 6 figures for the last 22 years. I put her through nursing school, bought a house, several cars for us and the kids over time, vacations every year. We built our savings and retirement and now I'm 55 and my body is shot and breaking down. I'm unable to keep doing what I'm doing. So I'm basically ready to retire and she's making the money now. Shes basically having to take care of me now. Maybe I had a crystal ball years ago or we just got lucky but we've always had a joint account and almost always never fought about who's spending what. We were a responsible team. It wasn't me against her. But we had a plan.
You got lucky. A lot of men in your situation in today’s day and age would be taken advantage of by their partner.
@@zalizine2153
Then they have the wrong partner. Don't stay with people who you can't trust. Some people only pick their partners for their looks and they get what they deserve in the end.
It sounds to me like he's just trying to be financially responsible....if she wants the money then she needs to be financially responsible as well and I don't believe he's asking too much... maybe if she were more financially responsible then she wouldn't need any money from him since he's paying all the bills
Exactly
100% well done the couple on the video have no idea how to be a team
Everyone in the comments picking sides like the other partner is a monster. These two seems like good people and although they have some issues (who the hell doesn't), they're working through it. Props to them, I'm rooting for them and I think that they'll make it.
Thank you for bringing an ounce of humility to this comment section.
The podcast is discussing their morals though. Good people make really bad decisions when it comes to money. Neither of them is a monster, but it's obvious that some mindsets are really harmful.
A lot of the comments this time don't pass the vibe check for sure. Like the comment section has been invaded by a subset of icky people. Ramit was so right - they were sucked into certain stories and just cycling back through them over and over.
I agree with you, they are trying to come together as a team, which will help for their future. I think they will do great
You see the tender moments despite the tension in the discussions. I have hope for them
The biggest lesson I take away from each of these shows is that Ramit is an excellent communicator.
I always wonder how grown adults manage to be married and have kids without first being on the same page as far as finances go.
Biological clock ticking
Too many, hence why money is listed as a common cause for divorce.
Because usually the female will pretend to be on the same page for as long as it takes to get the commitment, marriage and kids. Then the bait and switch after she has accomplished her goals.
@@tunde275someone's got a chip on their shoulder lol
@@tunde275that's absurd. If you look through sociological assertions, it makes sense that women will spend more on the family. Women are more concerned with the distribution of resources because it is often their role as they are more attuned to the needs of each individual family member. If you look around at your own life, you will probably see that this tracks. Did your father make sure to buy grandma new pajamas when she needed them? Or was it mom? Do you have male friends picking out the gifts for a friend's wedding or do the women take over that task? Is mom the one assuring the kids have new school clothes or is it dad? Does Dad buy all the necessary ingredients for dinner or was it mom?
Ive been binge watching all of your past episodes for months. I'd love to see annual follow-ups with the couples to gauge what stuck and what didn’t
saaaaaammmme sister. i started with the podcast when they didnt do footage. im in 2022 still but I cant wait to get back to these. ramit changed my financial life, its been great
That would be amazing
I think this would be quite complex, but would add great value. Totally agree with you, as good as Ramith is now it now depends on the people and how they are at sticking with spending habits
I watched this episode, then I jumped to Tim Ferris's channel to listen to Ramit talk about pre-nups, and then I came to read the comments on this episode. I think what Tim was struggling with about pre-nups and what some commenters are struggling with in this episode (and other episodes with major financial imbalance) is Ramit starts with the assumption that couples love and respect each other. LOL.
Many of you want Ramit to "call them out" or "bring down the hammer" on one person or the other. Find fault and blame, or worse tell the one you think is "right" to cut and run! But it's clear from how Ramit speaks that his own relationship brings him tremendous joy and that he really truly believes challenges can be address TOGETHER from a place of mutual love and respect. Ramit's Rich Life includes his wife and he presumes that when couples come on here their Rich Life includes each other. With that perspective, he's never gonna be a cut-throat jerk to the guests.
Ramit doesn't have kids. Having kids changes the relationship with your spouse, I don't care what anyone says, it's the truth. The couples that don't have kids definitely focus more on developing and growing their relationship. There's not a lot of time for that with littles around.
Just like a good couple's therapist tries not to pick sides, Ramit does the same. He's not licensed but he's quite a good therapist anyway.
@@pfifltriggI agree, Ramit speaks like a therapist. I believe his major was psychology.
I agree, and I also don't think there would be anything wrong with gently asking why she can share the spending list with him, but not her partner.
Like many things in the US of A people are made to believe pre-nups are bad and you are awful and “don’t trust” your partner, “thinking of divorce before you even marry”, etc. if you suggest it but really, I love the phrase “making a prenup is taking control of your prenup, if. Ot the government chooses it for you” and this is soooo real. Love that Ramit always talks about it and shares that he did it and how t has been an important aspect of his marriage
I feel they should have talked about this before they got married.
Yes, or even before the kids
She knew this before she married
Come one is obvious that money is not something to be used without a plan. She should be mature enough to ask how much and when or on what, and if it makes sense.
Notice how when is about money that benefits her is "we", but when is about the family is "he needs to give more".
Maybe they did. And women say whatever to get the ring, thinking that they can change him.
The biggest decisions we make in our lives, getting married and having children, we go into, necessarily, when we are young, which is when we have no experience.
Buying “treats” and unnecessary things from Amazon everyday is childish when you can’t afford a $400 class. Also, if you can’t afford to take a $400 class RIGHT NOW then just save up for it until you can it’s not complicated.
THIS
In a marriage you _do_ functionally combine finances. What a weird point
@@vulpixelfulIdeally yes but I know plenty of couples that have separate finances because of spending issues. For example one partner has a gambling problem so the other does not allow them access to their savings account or checking out of fear they will spend it all. It happens
@@jackb616 If you think this is on par to a gambling problem, you have lost all form of nuance...framing a wife as wrong for thinking their finances are combined is wild
Nice edit 👍🏾
Watching these couples makes me feel like my husband and i set things up right from the begin. We each get 15% for our personal spending (no questions asked), investments/401k come straight out of our checks. We have automated savings for big purchases and family fun. We have not once fought about money.
This sounds like what my wife and I have. We use separate spending accounts for our 'no questions asked' spending that we automatically contribute to each other every month (we use Square Cash accounts, fyi, because they have debit cards linked to the accounts). On all other spending, it's a joint account that we share and budget with.
You did it correctly.
Excellent.
Same my husband and i do 7% each but budget family activities from the joint money 401k set up and joint savings
15% of the aggregate or each person gets 15% of their own paycheck?
These two are very brave sharing their situation and trying to work through it. Ive always been curious about others financial situation as couples. I cant fathom how this works. I can see however, how important a discussion around this is. Never ever considered this...thanks for sharing ❤
This couple reminds me of what a gift it was for us to be dirt poor college students when we married. We worked together as a team to grow our marriage and financial life. 52 years later we are so successful in both our marriage and financial life.
I feel the same way! We met in college. We were broke as a couple. We made financial mistakes as a couple. We learned about finances as a couple. Now we have dreams and goals as a couple. There were definitely bumps in the road but there isn't that difference in power/parenting dynamic between us
@@sarahb8073 Same high school sweethearts everything we have we worked our butts off together ..so it's all in one big pot. 38 yrs this year
Congrats on your long marriage!
Meeting a partner early is both wonderful and a bit of a gamble because they haven't yet developed into the responsible/irresponsible adult they will become.
Sounds like you found a "winner". That's fantastic!
My husband and I were the same. Broke college students living off ramen. Rode a bike to class together with me sitting on the handle bar. We both had very successful careers with me making a little more (both over 6figures) within a few years of working. We had a joint account but also personal ones. I was always very generous…. would buy gifts for him and his family. Nice clothes and toys for our daughter. He always said “cheap clothes will do… buy them with your money if it’s that important to you.” I didn’t mind cause I had a lot. It all changed when I became a stay-at-home mom. I couldn’t maintain my career in Finance. The belittling and accusations started quickly. That I was never able to save and “bad” with money. When in truth he enjoyed and benefitted from my generosity. I made the down payment for our home and contributed equally to our mortgage. Like the woman in this episode I had to ask for money. 20 bucks, 50 bucks to meet up with friends for drinks. My parents were furious. My friends started paying for my drinks and meals when going out, shocked at my situation. All my SAHM friends were getting allowances, no questions asked.
I learned my lesson the hard way, now a decade later trying to get back to work.
Same for me. I got married during the lowest point of my life (in terms of career and finance). After a few tough years of struggling, our marriage got stronger. We stuck it through the tough times and now reaping the rewards of our good times. Never had a single fight about money. I feel the struggle years are so important to really stress test a couple.
I think it's telling that she feels resentment over her perception of him treating her "like a child" when he's just asking basic financial questions. I think she understands on some level that she is acting childishly towards money and is projecting that insecurity back out at him.
While I don’t disagree, on the flip side he clearly doesn’t know how to properly communicate his needs and feelings, so he just feeds on the resentment from her not doing exactly what’s in his head the way he deems it should be done. He’s not acting like a partner any more than she is, and the whole thing is just maddening.
Yes, definitely insecurity and defensiveness. I can kind of relate, not about money, but when I know I should or should not be doing something, if my husband called me out on it, getting defensive and turning it back on him as if it's his fault I feel bad.
@@BrandonBamesI love that there's a lot of nuance in Ramit's episodes. Usually there's no one "bad guy" in the relationship - they each have room to grow. Except that girl who was earning twice her boyfriend's salary and wanted him to treat her to dinner more often!
But frankly, I don't ask my husband when I want to buy something, unless I want his opinion on whether I should buy it or not. I don't need his permission to buy anything, not even with money from our joint account. Just like he can buy whatever he thinks we need from the joint account without getting my permission. We both discuss things that will affect the other person (like if he wants to buy a bike and it might be in my way, or if I want to buy a cabinet to store my craft stuff that'll take up some of our guest bedroom. If we think it won't work well, we'll figure out how to make it work for both of us. If he wanted me to ask him every time I wanted to do something, I'd feel micromanaged. This couple needs two things: 1 - communication, and 2 - mutual trust. The main problem here is she thinks he's going to look down on her for not having enough money, and by asking questions to determine whether or not to give her money he's reinforcing that feeling she has that he's looking down on her choices. So she doesn't give him the benefit of the doubt and he doesn't give her reason to think that she's wrong about not giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Eh honestly I'm in the camp of 3 accounts, his hers and joint. Joint is for the family, your individual you can spend whatever as long as you are responsible and don't get into debt
This sounds so strange to me. You want a joint account but you don't feel like you should need to "prove" that you are financially responsible? Ina discussion about sharing finances, both of them should have been asking the questions he was asking her. The fact that she feels belittled and patronized is a really bad mindset, and I'm not surprised that it turned him way off the idea.
sounds like gaslighting
She’s not a child, and it’s not even clear she’s acting like one. Notably, she’s responsible for variable expenses and he is responsible for fixed expenses. Being in charge of the mortgage payment and daycare is easier than being in charge of groceries.
He clearly thinks she is childlike, and he seems to have contempt for her.
There’s also no opportunity to “prove” anything if he never tries putting some money in a joint account and handling expenses that way. It’s not like he has to give her access to every penny of his accounts and savings to start working as a team and sharing expenses.
Personally I don’t think they’ll last as a couple. Contempt is the most predictable sign of relationship failure.
He’s not opening up about his fears or worries. He seems to think he’s better than her, and therefore should be in control of this aspect of their relationship (whether she likes it or not).
He’s using terms that show his distain for her reactions.
It’s too bad. They could be much stronger working together - and even if he’s right about her spending, he could help her instead of just restricting her.
Prospective couples need to watch Ramit’s videos before tying the knot….. he really exposes real life issues in marriages that are tied to money! Knowledge of financial does and don’ts would save a lot of relationships
My husband and I sat down and created a budget for our household and our savings goals. This includes everything related to our household: groceries, medical bills, mortgage payment, debt payments, gas for both cars, kid expenses, vacations, dinners out, savings, retirement etc etc. We then both agreed on amounts that we were going to both put into our joint checking and savings account each month to achieve our joint goals.
What each of us have left beyond that goes into our personal accounts and that's money for each of us to spend on guilt-free stuff as we please. My husband uses his money to feed his hobbies and most of mine goes to fancy coffee and a gym membership. My husband makes 4x what I make but I never feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick.
I don't understand why anyone would do any differently to that.
Beautiful ❤
so does he contribute 80% of household budget since he makes 4 times you
A mutually agrred on budget seems like a great solution...
The husband feels the wife doesn't have a plan. When he asks her about it, she feels attacked because she knows she doesn't have a plan, and she thinks it's working. He is trying to consider her feelings but objectively thinks something needs to change. The funny part is she feels like a child and he is asking her to be an adult. Hopefully, the therapy helps.
At minute 32ish you see the point of the matter. She said something impulsive and frightening, "I stopped saving because that's my money" and "I didn't tell you because I wanted to see if I could do it". She knows she needs help so she feels insecure when he questions her and she deflects the problems to her husband. It's a circle and he's not allowed to say she is out of control.
I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to the wife, but the more listening the more I realized that, even though the husband is not doing the right thing, per se, he certainly has a reason to not trust his wife she is not acting like an adult and I can totally see why he’s making the mistakes he’s doing such a Difficult situation to be
YESSS! This is the perfect summary of the episode.
I kind of feel like neither one of them have much of a plan. Which I think is part of the problem. I can def. see how they got to where they are at...but. the best way to get on the same page might be a struggle.
@@BethAnnesBestno he definitely has a plan. While it’s not perfect, he is able to cover all the surprise expenses because he does plan.
I agree with the husband on this one. He pays a majority of the bills, and also takes care of all the other 'surpise' things that come up. She doesn't mind when he pays for her tires without question but gets upset because he doesnt trust her when she cant even save $100. Also he makes no bones about the condo being hers entirely.
Hopefully they can get on the same page
She drives their children in that car. They should have planned better but in the moment, he shouldn't get a medal for replacing the tires 🙄
@@vulpixelful He probably drives their kids too in his own vehicle. It's not about getting a moralitiy medal, its the fact he's responsible enough to make sure the money to take care of it. She wasn't understanding that his financial goals allow for that where hers do not and she's not seeing that
@@kelseyoakes8287 They are in a marriage, they shouldn't have separate financial goals (for joint expenses). That's their problem. She overspends but he's not opening up either. But in the meantime, him phrasing it like it was paying for _her_ when it was a joint expense that was 100% necessary for the safety of his family...lmao no
Blindly combining accounts with someone who can't be financially responsible puts the entire family at risk. What happens when she spends the new-found surplus money on unnecessary stuff, then an emergency hits, and they don't have the savings for it? He is right to be cautious and wanting to see discipline before taking that plunge. In a marriage, you do what's beat for the family, not simply what makes a person feel good. Given their current situation, what's best for the family is separate accounts since he's the responsible one who plans for emergencies. He doesn't seem opposed to the idea of combining, but it's fair that he wants reassurance that she too prioritizes the financial safety of the family (and you don't do that by buying $400 classes and a bunch of trinkets on Amazon when you run out of money for groceries at the end of the month)
@@vulpixelful he was paying for her because she called it HER car. HER condo. Not our second car, condo, etc. It is in the interest of the family indeed, but how come SHE doesn't prioritize having funds to take care of the car for the sake of taking care of the family? Why is HE the only one in the duo thinking about those what-ifs scenarios and planning for them? That's the issue, and it's completely understandable he fears combining finances.
Thank you Ramit! I'm so grateful videos like this exists on the internet. These conversations are so insightful and you handle them with so much empathy. Ive learned so much from listening to these videos and reading your book. Best content on RUclips ❤
I am wondering what episode people in the comment watched, but I do not see a lot of unnecessary spending here. You are not building up 600k in net assets under 40 by being an excessive spender. I also do not see that the "fun spending" is that one-sided; it looks relatively balanced. The problem is that everything is very convoluted, so both parties are likely not fully aware of how much they spend on what.
The thing I didn’t hear is “why” does she need the money to be shared? If it’s to spend more, say it. He does treat her like a child but honesty, he might have to do this. I’ve seen a number of couples go down the drain due to one person’s overspending. Not saying it will happen to them but that’s his fear.
💯 he says he asks clarifying questions and she gets frustrated and only replies that she feels like a child when asking for money. If she wants to do a class then don't overspend on junk (like chocolate, house decor) track your own guilt-free spend money by saving for luxury things or big expenses like a class
Because they are partners and she has no idea about their finances. He spends as he chooses, but she has to go to him and plead her case for every expenditure, exactly like a child. Ironically, I suspect that he'd have much less anxiety over money if he was more open with her and they shared the burden and set their priorities together. In no universe is one spouse justified in treating the other as a child.
@@SheilaR.08exactly. I would guess as well that she is expected to handle all the finances which he doesn't deem necessary but are absolutely a part of daily living with children.
She doesn’t want to be accountable for the money she wastes.
This marriage will not survive if they don't solve this. She isn't very articulate about what she needs the $ for.
We are older than this couple, and had always had separate finances. He gives me a fixed amount each month. I pay all the bills, and I pay for all my nonessential stuff.
For this couple, I feel he is correct to be cautious financially. She is a spender. She spent all her money and then she wants his.
It’s really strange to me when pple who are married separate their finances especially when they have kids together.. “I pay for everything for the kids” (mother).. WTF, that’s pretty wild
You’d be surprised how easily it is to overspend on kids. Having one parent take care of extracurriculars and clothes just works for some.
Right it’s so odd and extra confusing and more work and stress. Just pool it then transfer your own $$ for spending etc. if u don’t have kids I guess it’s fine.
Why even bother being married if you're "covering" each others expenses when they're both of your children. If you wanted to be separate people with separate finances, you shouldn't have legally become one entity in the eyes of the law.
But if one partner isn’t good with money and can get you in debt it’s important to separate accounts if someone is irresponsible
@@carolellamuch9571Or maybe get on the same page? Make a budget and stick to it. Ridiculous for married couples with kids to have separate finances.
important point missed: she bought the condo with her money and when selling it will split the profits jointly.
The husband is absolutely right!! He makes absolute sense. One person in a relationship can be a reckless spender while the other person is focused on the current and future financial situation.
Disagree that wife is "reckless spender" but the confusion about rental income & what/when bills get paid out of that income fund was VERY CHAOTIC. If you paid attention, you would realize wife was the partner with a large asset PRIOR to marriage, which she could have opted to protect with a Pre-Nuptial Agreement. She got the down payment for condo from her 401K. That doesn't sound like a "reckless spender".
@@jeromehenry4484 The couple has a net worth of 600k, of which 200k is the apartment once we subtract the debt. As mentioned, there was a significant increase in value during the time of their marriage. Very likely, she had also contributed towards her 401k during the marriage. As such, I would expect that at the time of the marriage, she had relatively little net assets.
Why does she need to be ordering anything off of Amazon stop that right now, I'm a woman and I don't order anything off of Amazon. Make her stop spending.
@@jeromehenry4484I agree she's reckless and why does she have credit cards in the first place and why is she spending money on Amazon she's got a problem
@@reginafisher9919🙄 they make quite a bit of money, when accounting for their liabilities, they absolutely can afford to spend on pleasantries
I found this one fascinating on a few points mainly aimed at the wife. The husband is far from perfect - but it looks like he's read the book and implemented some of the techniques.
1. I think the wife has a fixed amount that she wants to sell the condo for rather than basing it on the market and lack of investment and clearing debt. With 80% fixed costs that should be the priority. She's lucky she has this get out of jail card. She also needs to realise if she holds out too long with no tenant it could end up with it costing more ,than taking an offer slightly lower than she would ideally like.
2. They didn't really address where she is spending her 1500 a month that's an insane amount of money based on their costs rather than their income. Ramit hinted that it's not small items - there will be certain things that she's spending it and but she didn't seem to want to be transparent about it
3. In the follow up she talked about "trying" to do a lot of things/changes but I couldn't really hear commitment and when she talked about what she learned it was more related to what to do with they money from the condo and less with applying the strategies and changes in behaviour that need to be made.
Having said all of this - what I love about these podcasts is the bravery of the people who participate and how much we can ALL learn from them. For example, I have a number of habits in my life that I am getting away with that don't really serve me and episodes like this give me time to self reflect and remind me to take action to address them.
Yeah the 1500 on just food is crazy, but 1500 in food, clothes, kids toys, cleaning supplies, toothpastes and such is not crazy. Would have love to have seen a break down
If you've been to Bozeman, you'd understand. It's now referred to as "Bozeangeles". They could raise their income greatly just by moving to another town. The housing market there is crazy. That's why she can list her condo at that price.
Me too
@@BlueScarob agreed. We know it wasn't just food.
I was wondering if part of the groceries was household items such as cleaners and paper products. Dan mentioned "stuff appreaing in the house" I'm willing to bet she buys house decor bc it's cute.
@Allison - Don't put that condo sale money into his account only for retirement. Make sure if he's not combining finances with you, you keep money in your own retirement account. He hasn't shared his house title with you? You are putting yourself into a very precarious situation. Trust your instincts.
I agree. She should also look into a post nup.
@@Sugarbella10For his sake 😂
Girl power!!!
Why are they using descriptions like “random chunk of money” when they’re talking about her condo investment and the huge contribution it’s brought to the marriage? I don’t think she ever gets acknowledged for this.
Exactly. They make it sound like she’s hardly contributing anything. Smh.
The context is that it's something that will only happen once and is not a part of any ongoing income. So although it's a big help now, it's not a sustainable solution to any ongoing budget challenges they have to face in the future.This is what they mean by "random" (won't happen again).
She also said the rental income just sat on an account and they used it to pay for a car and appliances. Yet he said he has to cover all big expenses.
Girl keep that condo! Especially since it cash flows beautifully
A lot of people in the comments are hard on the wife, but I think both of them are responsible for the major trust issues in their relationship. She wants joined accounts, he does not, and instead of telling her plainly "I do not want to join our accounts," he keeps setting vague goals for her to achieve - but these are not SMART goals - so they cannot really be achieved; his criterion is his own nebulous "when I will feel better". The wife has low agency and acts like a teenager, her overspending seems like a teenage rebellion because she feels disempowered. Meanwhile the husband says he does not spend on himself and yet buys a gigantic truck for his hunting (which is a hobby). He says he is a saver, yet the savings rate is too low. Wife should have done a prenup to protect her premarital asset (condo), which she is now selling to pay off the husband's hobby truck. Both of them are responsible for their situation. They earn well and are actually in a strong position just based on their income and net worth. This should not be an issue, and yet it is. Both of them should take responsibility and come together as a team.
After her 30% contribution and his 70% contribution, she's actually left with more money than he is and yet she still wants more. God knows how she's spending $1.5K on groceries a month, it's 2 adults and 2 babies. That leaves her $3.5K a month and she even has to bring up the fact that she has to pay for her own petrol. He also now covers all of the daycare costs.
She's a child, she wants access to the rest of the money and she's using manipulation tactics to try and get access. She wants to live a life of luxury, it's that simple.
Regarding his savings, it's on point. They've been married i think just over 2 years and he puts $250 a month into the savings account, which is at $7.5K.
I can guarantee 100%, if he gives her access, the savings will go down and she will put both of them into debt.
No she has a spending problem
@@MadDog_Rules 1500 is very reasonable in groceries with the cost of food now. 🤷 If you want to make decent meals for the family, it definitely costs like that.
@@CS-mf5un Both of them work, so they're not home during the day. She's over spending if she's spending $1,500 a month just on groceries.
The goals are perfectly clear. Nothing vague about it at all.
She's acting like a child, maxing out credit cards.
You CANNOT be a responsible adult and give people like that access to unstable income.
The guy mentioned he can pretty much go two months sometimes without a paycheck.
Imagine having all your money gone on non-essentials and then having six weeks of taking out bad debt to get by.
That is actually what would happen if he put his money in a joint account with her.
I’m at the beginning of the podcast, and I would agree to keep accounts separate when the partners have completely different approaches to spending.
This started out so tense… When Allison called Dan the “breadwinner“ I just about died! Doing finances together with your mate is imperative sit down once a month and have a “financial meeting“. Both of you bringing numbers to the table. Not one person the other. My husband and I have separate accounts and one joint account, but we are on each others Accounts. I handle all of our personal and business finances because my husband hates paperwork. We went for years fighting because he was in the “parental“ role… Same as Dan. It does not work! It must to be partnership. we have accomplished SO much more working together. I’m excited for this couple.❤❤
I am rooting for this couple! I hope they get their exact real estate profit and get on the same page to live harmoniously with their children ❤
As a single woman who purchased a condo before the marriage, she should not intermingle the proceeds of her condo sale. If they happen to divorce later down the line, he's going to get half of what was her sole and separate property, leaving her with her lower income and two kids to care for. It happens.
Depends on Montana law. In some states, the condo was half his anyway the moment they got married.
Because of this podcast I look forward to Tuesdays
It is beyond refreshing how empathetic Ramit is and he tries to understand the nuances and origins of the issues and how people got to the place they are at. He is respectful of the guests who have shown tremendous courage to come on the show and help everyone learn from them. Love to see couples light up during the conversations and find their way back to each other.
According to the interwebz food costs 10% more where they live than in my area. $1500 a month can be lowered probably reasonably by $250 a month or more. $1000 i know from experience would be a stretch in that area for family of 4 especially as they get older.
It’s pretty unfair that the wife is categorized as the “spender”. He gets to be the hero paying for the fixed costs and she is the villain as the spender. Buying food, toilet paper, diapers, wipes, detergent for the family is necessary and expensive. He’s a big guy that requires a lot of calories I’m sure. That is a family expense that she pays for. I think he should do the grocery shopping for 2 months. If he can reduce the cost that’s great but $1500 a month for a family with young kids is not a lot. She’s also setting up the family’s financial future with the asset she brought in.
Yea no accountability spending her whole salary plus the condo income With little savings. You can't get everything you want like a toddler in the store I'd say I'd say she earned that but that doesn't make her a bad person
I’m with the husband. It seams like the wife wants to spend without consequence. Husband see the consequences and keeps tight to keep the family safe. And she doesn’t see that
at the end of the day you married her. You should know her personality and how she handles things. There's probably good she brings too so you gotta deal with her bad.
@@stuff4232 she brought a condo that has brought in some money.
@@stuff4232 he deals with her bad but not giving her money.
dealing with her bad doesnt mean you make one account and she spends everything on shit.
Definitely one of the best channels on RUclips! Great episode 💯👍
This episode has emphasized how important it is to marry someone who has the same financial outlook as you. I asked my wife before we were engaged about her debt and spending (shared mine as well) we created a separate budgets. She had to work n update it herself until we got married and she said she would rather I do it and update her regularly. It worked for us, she has access to all accounts and spends how she wants, she knows the goals and plans. We shared a lot and discussed a lot so the trust is there. If you are reluctant to have that conversation then you won’t have a successful financial partnership. Personally, maybe his approach needs improvement but he has the right idea and she fought it. Trust is earned, not given. I handle the budget because I earned that from my wife, I earned her trust.
I completely understand her. It does feel like she is not the partner and not an equal. So having kids and whole lives together is ok but not shared finances? Makes no sense!
I personally wouldn't feel threatened or demeaned if my partner wanted to know about my spending. Accountablilty and guardrails are healthy in a relationship. Because of their weird division of bills , Dan didnt have a clear picture of the expenses of running the home. Also there's a false sense of trust since their relationship progressed really fast.
I love this couple. Respectful communication and they think of each other's feelings. They're going to be okay. Wishing them the best!
Loved this episode, resonated with me because their numbers are very similar to my own family's, down to the income and number of kids. I always felt like my numbers were bad, but I struggled to see a way to improve them with the expense of daycare. It's nice to know that it's ok for the number to look not great for a number of years before the daycare ends and the numbers will fix themselves. Daycare alone takes my family's fixed costs from 58% without them, to 73% with them.
I'm in the exact same place with two kids in daycare! It costs more than our mortgage! They're moving to a full day preschool in the fall and we'll be saving $1200 per month but right now our fixed costs are 78%.
In this episode feels like Rammit is blindsided. He is not saying she cannot spend money, he is protecting the family by saving in advance because of past events. He is paying all the bills and she is buying everyday new things in Amazon. lol of course he wants an explanation of why she does not have money and wants more, I would want to! It’s not about one person needs, it’s about the family needs as they are 4 people!
It is also about control.
Why can they not save together for an emergency fund? Why does he have to keep it away from her?
Is she an alcoholic he has to hide alcohol from?
They decided not to combine finances! He's keeping his money from her ,she has her money which she has spent so she can wait until payday for her money.
Its not lost on me though that his expenses are clear cut and exact. He knows exactly how much he’s going to be paying each month. This makes it much easier for him to budget. She is paying for all THEIR kids variable stuff. Groceries are very variable, kids medial stuff SUPER variable. I bet a bunch of the stuff she buys on Amazon are for the FAMILY and thus should be a shared cost. He is able to save so easily because she is taking on the hard stuff. They also need some more transparency. He should be able to see what she is buying! And she should be able to see how much money is in savings. He says he has to cover expenses even though they are FAMILY expenses.
@@angelikalaser7778thank u….control.
@@angelikalaser7778 she said she don’t want to save because is her money lol. And then when asked to review the expenses in the Walmart app she was highlighting the $1 ones… and about her condo he said, it’s yours so you can decide… it’s that control? Their fix cost are 77%… I mean… I can understand why he is concerned
He is a saver, she is a spender.. it is very hard to come to an agreement with such different personalities…
She literally has more free spending money than he does at the end of every month while making half as much and saving nothing because he is covering all the largest bills.
Wait…she saved all the money from the condo rental and used a portion to make her car payments while she was on maternity leave.
Did you see the total amount of his savings!? He has almost NO savings and admitted to putting aside only $250/mo…for apparently a very short time.
That, my friend, does mot describe a saver ….
WHY do they need to have all of their money combined? If they have such a different approach to money they are better off not fully combining finances, imo. Why don't they each keep their own individual accounts and open 1 joint account so that they can draw from there for joint expenses in a way that is fair. Not 50/50 but more like 60/40 if he brings in more money than her. Why does it have to be all or nothing?
That's my thinking. Everyone is assuming that combining means combining all of it, when it could be portioned so that part goes into shared expenses (I.e. housing) and part goes into their respective "me" money.
This is the way, this is what me and my wife does, it works great.
Dan sure did start using the words “we” and “our” when talking about Alisons condo money!
I can see why he’s cautious about combining finances as she doesn’t have a good track record of her managing her own finances and overspending. Like she said, the only reason that’s she saving money is to get his trust and not really because she wants to save money. I feel like she doesn’t get the big picture and understand the whole importance of saving money like he does which is to prepare for the future and help protect the family while she only wants to save money to please her husband and gain his trust. Like others have said here, doesn’t sound like she’s mature enough for them to combine finances.
Love it! This is the best “sermon” I heard today! We will go through this lesson for as long as we need to learn it. Thank you for sharing this experience Tim.
Ramit, what is happening. They have 3k a month in guilt free spending and you are talking about their daycare and their home sale? They have money to allocate, why are they saying they dont have money at the end of the month???
I’m a single female going on 4yrs now but this was very much good information for me and my future husband. 😊❤ Thank you! 🙏🏾
I have a friend who when newly married we discussed finances and I found out that she was responsible for all fixed costs related to the home. It was 90% of her salary. This was because when they bought the home, her husband paid the downpayment. They came to an agreement that they would review this again in 3 years. She went into debt paying for everything else she needed. Her husband saw this and didnt help because of separate finances and would tell her to work more spend less. All the while he was buying anything he wanted. Fast forward to 3 years she finds out that the downpayment was a gift from his parents. He didnt disclose that to her.... shes still with him btw smh now with a baby. Its gotten worse and shes trapped.
😮
My relationship was like theirs, my ex managed all the finances and I gave him all my money then I had to ask for grocery money and money for our 4 kids. 20 years later he left me with 850k in IRS tax debt for using my social security number for his business, and he only saved cash and took it all when I told him I wanted a divorce. I ended up with no money and 850k in tax debt and 60k in collections. Ladies, never never never let this happen. Become involved in the finances. She should have signed a prenup and also paid off her car and saved the remainder in HER retirement. I hope they are able to figure things out.
Am I the only one noticing that he agrees to mutual accounts only after she talks about pouring $200K of HER money into THEIR retirement account, college funds for their children and HIS truck?
I was in a similar situation in the past and this is something I'd tell my younger Self: "Find a reason to go somewhere for a week. Let him pick up where you left off, learn the price of groceries and all the things the children need as well as the amount of time and effort it takes to parent and run the household. Don't worry, they will all survive. If by the time you are back he hasn't developed a whole new level of appreciation of You and everything that you do daily for the family, RUN! If he understands, but it is short lived and everything goes back to the way it was, RUN. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache."
I can not wait for Ramit to have children and realise what it takes to make and raise a human.
Allison, why haven't you talked about diapers and wet wipes, diaper rash lotions, clothes and shoes, and endless laundry and cleaning (which takes supplies) etc. when asked questions about your outrageous grocery shopping?
You don't buy just groceries at Costco and Walmart, do you?
I think this is my first time ever commenting on a RUclips video, lol.
Exactly, that man begrudges having to provide for her and their growing kids but he sees no problem using her condo money to pay for his hobby truck
Yea, Ramit is also irresponsible in this because he does not have a family. Men often don't realize what it takes to provide for the family because they don't handle the daily distribution with the kids and meals.
This is why women are single and divorced and can't find any good men, because men will sacrifice their happiness for their family, but women will sacrifice their family for their happiness.
He criticized her money management skills because he doesn’t want the financial responsibility of his family. But she turned out to be smarter than him and is making a huge profit from her condo sale and is planning to use it on their family he is quiet. He doesn’t deserve her as a wife.
So true!
Ramit is talented at encouraging calm and effective communication between partners. It is very impressive.
My husband and I have joint accounts and if there is a large purchase we anticipate to make we sit down and discuss it. We have been married for thirty three years but know each other thirty five years never in our marriage have we had separate accounts. We make purchases like food and clothes and other things we buy together and if I want to buy anything for myself I look at our finances to see if it’s a doable thing. If not I wait till the money is there. I never ask my husband for money. I’m not a child and he’s not my parent. We are a team
100%
They dont trust one another for a reason. Throwing money at a problem doesnt fix it. Be accurate in your accountability.
Don't you want to be trustworthy ? Put every cent you spend down on paper, and why you spent $ on it
I’m 20 minutes in and struggling. She does look and present herself as a teenager. It would help if she presented money topics from a more mature perspective as a team member of the family.
I have to agree…as a woman with ADHD, I wonder if Allison might have ADHD as well because it would explain the impulsive purchases, lack of cohesive plan and thinking ahead, and also her communication style. But either way, she would do well to gain some confidence and assertiveness in how she communicates, because it really does give off a parent-teenager dynamic at times
My wife and I have separate accounts. Wow, seeing this shows me how childish I used to be. I’ve been on both sides of the fence, but more on hers and I filled with the lottery regret, especially seeing and hearing it from somebody else, just think of all the money I’ve spent. Now I make a little over 100% more than my wife and I’m starting to try to show her to save the majority of it.
I understand couples who want to keep accounts separate, but that’s where the CSP comes in. Both people save 10% regardless of how much they make. How much you save will be relative to your CSP
Women live longer so he’s literally setting her up for a comfortable future and she resents him for it.
Yeah, I was thinking this too. With a CSP they'd have a clear amount for guilt free spending too. The problem of 'I can't afford this' can be answered with 'Well, that's what we budgeted for'.
Her money is her money. And his money is their money.
Love that, according to this comment section, its *his* money when it comes to monthly income but *their* money when it comes to asset allocation of the condo sale. She's brining a lot to the table asset wise and that contribution shouldn't be ignored. Ramit is spot on that they need to combine and get on the same page with their rich life.
So his money is his, her is hers, but the her condo money is "theirs"?
i felt that
No, because he pays for the mortgage and bills and childcare
He did say "it's her condo, whatever she wants to do with it is up to her"
Yup, that's how I see it 😅
Selective hearing is prevalent I see
By the way she talks about not having any money, I was expecting her to be making $30,000 a year 😂 sounds like she just needs to hire a CFP
Right 😂😂😂 like wtf?!
makes 15k a month and can't afford to spend $400 in a class 😂 child woman
@@CALIRedHood it was 15k together
@at143tv 🫠 too late i commented before I found that out, but 15k together is still a lot.
@@at143tvwhich is crazy high
They don’t have a money problem that have a communication problem. They need a vision and a mission for their marriage
Married couples don't need to combine their accounts. They don't even need to have a separate, joint account. All they need to do is have individual accounts and 1) agree on a budget, 2) agree how much each partner contributes to the budget, and 3) which partner will actually pay the bills. Here is the magic...beyond the monthly transfer to the bill paying partner, whatever is left over in each partner's individual account, they are free to spend at their own discretion. This provides an optimal combination of responsibility, security, and individual freedom.
Ramit talks about it. This is option 1 of 2. He doesn’t prefer this method because ppl don’t generally reassess changes in financial situations. ie raises, new bills, increases in utilities etc.
Option 2, and Ramits preferred method is combining accounts
@@lizRomrell What I am saying is combining accounts is not only unnecessary, in this case and many others like it, I believe it is a mistake. It gives the spender too much freedom, at the expense of the saver's peace of mind, and is only likely to increase tension. For combined accounts to work long term, it requires a single mindedness towards finances that is a rare quality in today's relationships. Practically speaking, for most couples, it is better to disagree over where to spend the money (budget changes) than where it was spent (combined account).
My husband is bad with money and doesn't really want to be involved. His entire check is deposited into my account and on the first of each month I put money in his account and he can spend it any way he wants to. My only request for him is that if he needs something or wants something, he needs to give me a 30 to 60 day notice to put it in our budget. For example he wanted a new winter coat last year so he needed to give me advance notice and an approximation on how much it was going to cost. He doesn't have to spend his money on things like that, it comes from our budget. We're both happy with the arrangement and will have 40 years this year. I do make him look at our retirement accounts, stock and bank accounts once a year just so he knows where we are financially and the only debt we have is the house.
@@josephmarinucci9073best thing I ever done was combine finances. We do have a shared vision and outlook on things though so that helps.
There’s no point taking sides here. They’re both right and they’re both wrong. What they have in common is that they love each other. They came to Ramit expecting financial advice and were happier by the end of the session. What they got was couples therapy without even knowing it.
Ok! She sounds as if she’s seeing the profits from the condo in a way that helps the unit. This is a big thing!
Totally agree, too many people being hypercritical towards wife. As far as we know based on information provided to audience, wife was the one that had Assets PRIOR to marriage, but these negative commenters are ignoring that fact.
Blows my mind how many married couples I know that don't combine finances. I'm married and we combined ours right when we started living together pre-marriage even. It's never been an issue. If you don't trust your spouse enough to combine finances, you probably shouldn't be getting married in the first place is how I look at it.
The husband is paying all the major bills. And the wife pays for some things like food and feels she can spend what she wants afterward... Right? Thats the way it works. The husband makes more therefore the burden falls on him to 'cover' whatever the wife needs/ wants after using all the play money beyond her bills. This is all because he makes more so it falls on him. I get it I really do. This is not fair. And correct he said, 'I want to spend too and I can't.' Again not fair to the husband.
He does spend on himself. In his own words, he goes hunting a lot. Hunting incurs costs. It's a luxury. He justifies the big truck because he needs it to go hunting. Maybe his self-pity was masking his own self-indulgence.
@@SuzanneUHunting can be expensive, but it can also be going out to the woods with a tent from Walmart and a $200 .22.
So they should both talk about how to jointly save and spend. you act like he has no agency and he's just a victim
Wish Ramit had suggested setting up a savings account for set-aside expenses that show one or twice a year & divide by 12 months to get the monthly amount to hit that goal. Husband mentioned that his income fluctuates; there should be another fund to put aside "extra funds" in prosperous months to cover down months.
@@SuzanneUhunting can be expensive or it can be basically free it really depends on the situation he probably but you only need one gun to hunt, bullets are relatively cheep, there are free places to go hunt just a tag fee is about it. If you butcher the animal it’s basically another source of income/providing sooooo how is it a problem.
I love these videos. This is relatable and personal. It’s real. I appreciate those that put their lives out there for us to relate to.
Great learning material.
I am not working right now because of a move. I have taken a career break in life too. My husband always ensures that I have enough in my account for whatever I need and never questions where I spent the money. I am also not reckless spender of course. But, this setup has been pretty much unsaid. Listening to this conversation, I feel blessed. Couples need to take care of each other's needs. People first, then money. I don't understand how such basic problems or personality differences go unchecked before getting married.
Seriously... Paying for her own mat leave and feeling broke about it 😢
I’d max out your Roth IRAs this year and max out your 401ks through work, then use some of the condo cash to live on. For the kids: Montana allows you to deduct $6k/year as a couple for 529 contributions, so I’d spread those out over a few years. Finally, make sure you’re maxing out your medical FSAs and Dependent care FSAs. Good luck to you both!
I'm just started but he doesn't pay for the food he eats or his children...hmmmm thinks bills is enough. What about her free labour?
The bills he pays provides a home for them to live in 🤷♀️
My husband and I have shared accounts. We agreed early on that if either of us wanted to buy something over $100 that we would discuss with each other. Anything under that is no discussion. We both see what we have at any given time. We have never fought over money. 20 years of mutual respect has worked well for us.
People don't need to combine the accounts simply because they are married, but people need to have a plan. Deciding to keep the incomes separate STILL means they need a plan for the shared expenses.
Often I think one party is the foolish one, sometimes it's the saver, usually the spender, but in this case they are both fools and they should really get a new therapist who can make them work better together as a team.
I liked this episode a lot! It really felt like both of them wanted to be a team with money, they just didn't know how to do that effectively. It was nice to hear an episode where both parties really seemed to care about each other and their future together as a family.
My partner and I don't fully combine finances but we pay in the same amount to a joint account and that pays for all shared things such as food and bills. This way there is still an incentive to manage your own spending outside of necessities. The woman in this video is deluded thinking that her husband should pay for her $400 classes or whatever she fritters money away on. She makes plenty to contribute to a comfortable lifestyle but she obviously wants more than that and it's not fair that he should fund her expenses. The fact he is paying way more of the fixed costs and she is spending way more on 'guilt free' just shows how unequal it currently is - yet she wants even more!
We haven’t combined our finances yet…almost 18 years.. this was the worst decision ever. Combined as soon as possible.
I love couples, it’s so interesting watching both sides be the victim and the aggressor, neither is perfect and they have co created this dynamic, it’s a good reminder to take a breath and make sure we approach situations with mutual respect and love
I would never combine finances with anyone at all for any reason.
I don't care how wonderful you are, I've had a first-row seat to watch people fight over money for a decade. Last thing I would do is willingly put myself in that spot.
Prenups can never take into account all the unpaid for labor that women undertake in having children and handling almost all the logistics of the household. If you check the statistics on this, women still do over ninety percent of childcare.
Let’s be real taking care of kids at home is much more easy than working a 9-5/9-7 day in and out to support your family. With out the social stigma of men being stay at home dads looked at as feminine and lazy I think a lot more men would opt to stay home while the wife is the breadwinner. It’s not even a question that sitting at home with your kid watching Elmo and making a grilled cheese is as difficult as running a business. It’s a joke and a Delulu one at that.
Parent and child dynamic is often sub conscious, the "child" can resent the "parent" for not providing unconditionally.
Where was the bit where we ask 'How much of the condo money does Allison get to keep for HERSELF?' Has Dan though about asking her if he can have some?! This one blew my mind but I think Ramit navigated it skillfully so they we're able to come to a conclusion. I'm just glad I'm not married to someone like Dan.
100% it's her money but apparently she is not hoarding it like him
@@janefinance He is not at all hoarding the money he is trying to do right and keep them stable. He pays for all the big ticket items that come up like $1500 for tires and what ever else on top of paying all the big bills like mortgage car insurance and utilities. Did you even watch this or are you just ignorant?
They're in very good shape! And although they both had their challenges, is great that they seem to be working well together and going to therapy. They're heading in a better direction.
And its also no surprise that she didn't have anything left at the end of the month if she was paying 2k a month for daycare, all of the food and childrens things. Im glad that they found a way to make it more evenly split.
I am proud of this couple and I am rooting for them and hoping that therapy works for them. The husband is a saver and planner and thinks about the future. The wife is a spender and just thinks about the now. If she were married to a spender like herself they’ll be a much bigger hole. Likewise if the husband were married to a saver like himself, he’ll be much further savings wise. Honestly I first I thought the wife wasn’t earning any money. She’s not managing her money well tbh and the husband is afraid that if they combine finances, all the money would be gone and they will have nothing to pay their bills. The wife feels like a child because she exhibited some childlike behaviors in this podcast.
This was a great episode. Especially near the end talking about Big decisions having such a huge impact (like selling the condo). Looking back, my husband (I’m a widow since 2020) and I used to love to buy houses, always that we wanted to use, or would want to use- such as on the lake (4 houses over the years), in the Florida Keys on the water, and now my primary residence in Cocoa Beach, which we purchased in 2006- way overpriced) intending to rent out until we could eventually retire there. None of these except to Cocoa Beach condo did we own for more than 2-5 years, never deemed any of them our primary residence. But all them gave us enormous profit when we sold. Always on our own without a broker (even though I was in real estate). And with all of the sales fairly high in value, you can see where the profit came from.
But the real reason I’m writing was to say I subscribed to Masterclass after hearing your ad, even though I was out on the water rowing at the time.
Thank you, Ramit.
i just wish when he talked about HVAC and wanting to be warm, he had said i want my babies to be warm.
Right now I spend 400/wk in groceries for 5 adults (2 parents and 3 adults kids). Thats 1600$ a month. Groceries are priced crazy right now.
Best part of the episode 23.8 in when Ramit says No, no, no…
I respect them a lot for going through couples therapy and financial counseling. They are putting in the work they need to as a new couple and they just need a mediator
Love what you do, you are my new favorite person for financial advise. Looking forward to watching your couples video with my wife.
Thanks for another great episode. Her reply was filled with lots of "trys", but it seems they're on the right path
Groceries are $300 a week laundry detergent toilet paper paper towels body wash shampoo cleaning supplies and food is easy 1500 a month. You have to replace things like kids clothes shoes etc. single moms struggle because of this go on strike don’t buy toilet paper cleaning supplies and toothpaste just say I’m saving money if you want toothpaste buy it it’s 6 a tube right now want toilet paper buy it it’s 22 for a pack of a family of four want to eat serve cheaper meals etc. I’m glad you took over daycare.
really interesting! lucky they had that condo. I just hope she can actually stick to the plan going forward - she kept using the word 'try' in her follow up which usually means someone is not fully committed.
I am not going to be accountable for my own spending behavior (So act like a child) but I am mad when he, who spends all of his time making most of the money won't let me be irresponsible.
Watching Ramit's channel it starts to seem more and more impractical for couples, especially parents, to have separate accounts. Even though I see where Dan is coming from. I feel like in their case it more a matter of framing it better, improving the communication style.
It’s WILD to me that people are married and have kids and don’t share back accounts. It’s so weird to me unless they are like an addict or have something serious going on like I’m truly confused by this. You are married.