It’s been my understanding that “blood is thicker than water” is actually misunderstood and misused by people. The original is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. Which implies that the original means the exact opposite of how people misuse it to justify family loyalty in toxic relationships.
Women in religious settings are taught to be nice, assume everyone is doing their best, and to serve. No one tells you about the narcissists and the takers out there that will gladly let you assume that they are nice, well intentioned, and use you.
The enablers and the idea that someone else’s hidden mal-intent is the biggest way we are set up for a never ending cycle of gaslighting, victimization, isolation, shame, and failure. They should be looked at as being as bad or even worse than the narcissistic victimizers.
I USED TO THINK I WAS AN INTROVERT. But then I realized that what I wanted all along was peace of mind. Because I am perfectly extroverted with the people that bring me joy and peace of mind. But I'm extremely introverted to the people that bring drama and tension in my life.
Yeah it's amazing how much you can start to "bloom" once you start healing.Toxic people make us uncomfortable &/or even downright fearful so it makes sense why we can be extra wary of others before healing begins.Always trust that "gut feeling" when you don't feel too good around a person, it's usually right👍🏻.
@@malwads1836 I agree. Family and friends are very toxic nowadays because they use their relationship with you to get what they want. When you become successful, the first people to watch out for are family and friends. Their entitlement towards your success can lead to resentment and envy.
This Made Me Vulnerable To My Abuser/Narcissist. 1/ Being To Trusting 2/. Treating Others With Respect 3 / Loving The Narcissist Unconditionally 4/. Being Honest And Compassionate. 5/. Have The Desire To Heal Others/Fix The Narcissists 6/. Having Trouble Setting Boundaries.
These are the traits that my friend has. Her narc ex husband was emotionally abusive and became physically abusive when she decided to divorce him. Thank god their kid is smart enough to not trust what the ex says (he tells a very different story, of course).
“Blood is thicker than water” is a great way for a family member to treat other family members like sh*t and not accept any accountability and responsibility for that thoughtless, unconscious, irresponsible, disrespectful, tone deaf behavior
Totally! I have been helping out a narc relative. Trying to be the better person, but it stresses the hell out of me at the same time. Life is not easy.
My opinion: Toxic blood and toxic water are both bad for you. Choose wisely when engaging with anything or anyone toxic. Knowing the difference between healthy and toxicity is wisdom. Disengage when necessary for your peace of mind. Thank you Dr. Ramani
This is why they are so dangerous to your psyche. You wish to get that attention back. You end up feeling robbed and mournful. You can and should never never let them back in. Your very life depends on you avoiding them. This was so well articulated, Dr. Ramani.
I keep thinking that I want to write a letter letting them know I’m not a loser, look what I have accomplished you know? I was the scapegoat and truth teller! I ruined my family’s lives! I’m over 60 and still feel like a loser! Don’t have children if you can’t be a good parent! I got myself fixed because I never wanted to be responsible for any human to feel the deep pain and struggles I have been through.
@@AlisMarsaili1351 I understand. I think we all want to write that letter.. Tell them who we are, how we are, we know what they’ve done, & we’re not theirs to play with anymore. But it would be of no use. They’d twist it & hurt us even more. It’s just fuel for them. Remember, “Your very life depends on it!” Staying true to yourself, loving yourself & continued healing. Virtual hug, if I may Bonnie. I am so sorry they hurt you so badly. We understand. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself. You certainly deserve that gentleness. I’m very proud of you!! Excellent job, you made it out, & you’re here with your people to continue your healing.🥹 Thank you for being here. I appreciate your comment. 🫶🏻+☮️
I find the silver lining in everything BUT my narcissistic family. Lots of good things can await you when you live far away and go no contact. Peace. Contentment. Self preservation.
I am a happy and grateful and positive person but the narc mother and passive aggressive covert narcissist ex husband really tried soooo hard to destroy these qualities and often won. No contact with them both. I am happy and grateful. Sometimes I feel resentful about the way these people treated me but hey ... the hell with family. It's hugely over rated. I have wonderful friends who love me the way my mother was incapable of
I was married for 28 years to a covert narcisst. I asked for help and consulted professionell psychological help. I was told - it takes two to Tango. I should be more patient, tolerant, not demanding! I lost so much time…. But now separated and living alone, time after time I recover!
I get it! Iv heard that by professionals including my physician! I always come back around too but it’s exhausting and I’m to old and won’t be able to start my life over again its sad but I do better by myself and just NOW I realized my mother would say this to me when ever I would go to her for help wow lol! I can’t believe I just said that and my mother’s voice was in my head!
Yep & that foolish attitude is exactly why more than a few mental health professionals have THEMSELVES ended up being scammed into marriages & whatnot by narcs.I'm so glad this info is finally getting out to EVERYONE whether professional or not because we ALL need to learn this stuff carefully if we expect to protect ourselves & our loved ones, help others,etc.🙂👍🏻
If she’s popular on youtube, she’s already leading many people from all over the world. Therefore, you do not have to imagine that world, it already exists.
In Romanian, my mother language, the saying "it takes two to tango" means that you cannot be the only one giving love, respect, time (all the positive things) in a relationship, as you need both partners to make it work 😊❤❤❤
My own attorney could not come to grips. He kept using "two to tango," "he said, she said," "I'm sure you've both done things you regret." Uh, no dude. I did not pathologically lie, sleep around (and around, and around), gaslight daily, or hit my spouse. SHE did those things. By the way, it is genetic. Her father was the King of narcissists, and my two younger children are narcissistic MONSTERS.
Reflecting on my past, I've come to realize that holding on to hope made me vulnerable to the toxic dynamics of my narcissistic family and spouse. However, now that I've seen the light, I've vowed to never let my guard down again. It's essential to stay vigilant, my friends, and prioritize our own well-being above all else. Trusting our instincts and surrounding ourselves with positivity is the key to breaking free from such harmful relationships.
I remember my mother frowning at me telling me there’s a school counselor when I asked to go to a psychologist, after I got sexually harassed at 14 by a 44 year old taxi driver. My grades began to crash and burn while an abundance of screaming that I’ll become a garbage lady if I don’t do better was all the aid I was left with. To this day she’ll say she’s “Always been there and always will be” for me, but today I’m strong enough to know the truth about why her memory starts to get foggy looking back. May we all heal ❤
I always hated this saying… until I heard the full version. “The Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. The relationships we form with people around us in friends who shed blood and tears together striving for the same goals is stronger than familial ties. I’m 30 years old about to get married and it was only through Dr. Ramanis videos did I come to realize I was the product of 2 narcissistic parents… after being called a disgrace of a son and ridiculed repeatedly. Trust in your friends and the people who chose to spend time with you for you, not just because you’re related. Wish I knew this 10 years ago…
Wonderful!They need to teach kids this stuff in school,it would help SO many of us dealing with narc parents.Congrats on your wisdom & getting married soon,if you have kids remember to teach them this important info too & don't sugar-coat telling them about your own experiences👍🏻👍🏻.
The "it takes two to tango" actually DID keep me in my narcissistic relationship for years. Nowadays whenever someone uses it in my vincinity I get really angry and tell them not to use it. (I'm not screeming at them or anything just explaining how this proverb can be taken advantage of) People will usually react really surprised like "it's not that serious bro" but still I feel it's important to try to change peoples attitudes.
“It’s not that serious, chill” is also something some narcissists say when you call them out on things like that. After all, why face/acknowledge that you might have a point? Or have experiences that invalidate what they’re trying to tell someone?
My mother used to say this to me all the time, when I felt that I was getting abused by anyone, whether it was when I was a child or when I had a boyfriend. Instead of being an mother that heard me out and showed me how to assert myself, I would just get confused and quiet feeling like I was doing something wrong. I used to go to counseling to see how I could change myself. I didn't know that my mother was a narcissist. Now I get it. Of course she would say that. She never took accountability for her negative words and actions, and being a narcissist they love battles. As long as you get back up and strike back, they attack back. They live that. So she was saying, just shut up and you win. (Imagine...there was a lot of silence in my home.)
Yeah it's like my personal saying...It takes 2 to have 1 person hit the other with a darn baseball bat for no reason whatsoever🙄.We as a society need to stop trying to hold folks accountable for (OTHER) people's dysfunctional 💩.
I actually used it with a narcissist. He was telling me about his ex (whether that was true or not) and that's what I said to him. So I guess it can also be used against a narcissist in a way even though it wasn't malicious on my part.
The whole quote is: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The irony is that the original quote means the exact opposite, that those who have been loyal and walked through the fire with you are closer than those who are related to you- people from the same womb, the mother who bore you. Irony indeed.
Dr.Ramani you are my silver lining, Found you last year after 22 years not knowing what I was dealing with, Once I got it that they are not redeemable was I able to fully walk away, It's been like removing layers, I literally felt him leave my heart when I finally understood, It wasn't me, he really could not do nice, I have my me back happier than I ever thought possible, Bless you❤
Dr Ramani...You are...A Lightworker! Sending out sparks all over the World! I have read alot of comments and you are saving lives. You are a Silver Lining! ⛅️ 🕊
My partner and I 'celebrated' our 10th year wedding anniversary on the 5th of August, but I left home 3 days later. I just felt I'd had enough of what you so well describe: gaslight, control, humiliation, jealousy, deliberate aggression, manipulation, etc, etc. All of these were admitted and confessed. It used to hurt when we were together and still does, due to the memories, but the sensation of freedom and the joy for being able to get rid of the pressure from abusive language and behaviour are amazing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and knowledge.
I believed in fairytales and lived by these proverbs and suffered one narc relationship after the other.. and stayed way too long. Thank you Dr Ramani. Your work is freeing people from staying with these toxic people.
My mother would put a record on every night when I went to bed to help me sleep. Rumplestiltskin! The sky is falling! I have NEVER had a decent relationship in my life. I got used, lied to and after I was drained in every way I would have to start over again.
Yes, “grief”! The grief is like constantly mourning the undead. With 2 narcissists for parents, my life has been like living in a lovely land knowing there is a huge river of lava constantly and dangerously passing underneath. Actively working to not mention it or think about it, except with my therapist, is exhausting.
@@kittykat632It depends on situation, sometime is not safe to speak about it. Because other people around you can be narcs/enablers/flying monkeys. They can take advantage of you because you are vulnerable. So I think that OP is doing great job with their therapist.
When I was a kid my best friend was the outcast of the school and my sister was going to ambush her and beat her up one day after school simply because of this. I found out about it and warned her. I also walked with her to her aunt's house, which was the opposite direction of her home, where she was able to call her mother to pick her up. When I got home I was in trouble for putting my best friend ahead of my sister because blood is thicker than water. Nevermind about protecting an innocent person from being beaten up. That didn't matter to my parents. I still shake my head today.
Sometimes, I do wish I never got educated about narcissistic people because you're right Dr. Ramani, "once you see it, you can't unsee it" but your videos and techniques have helped me be more confident that I am not crazy and not everything is my fault. Thank you!
Intersting that you highligted the fact that narcissistic families don't like that you succeed or even that you display competence in areas that they often criticize you for. For them competence and success is an insult.
The last lines of denial made me so emotional bcoz I have been raised by a convert narc mom and I know as a kid my survival strategy was to stay in denial of my moms Narcissm...Which continued for too long a time...I got lost ..now healing at 41 is lot of grief and pain...Things are much better at 43...Breaking the cycle ...
For me I was lonely when I met her and was duped easily. It's only in hindsight,after listening to you and another channel,that I realised what happened to me. I have moments where I just feel so much heartache that it's crushing although, after four months since being discarded, those moments are becoming less frequent.
And now you won't fall for a hoover, so you will be safe from getting more of the same and you can be careful to find real love next time, which will come to you for sure!
I was caught up in the "forgive your enemies " ideology" until I had a major awakening one day and realized whether one makes the personal choice to forgive Or not, Safety First so Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries are MUST . As we get to Know Ourselves, We Have Every Right to Protect Ourselves , Our Personal Sense of Safety, Our Bolongings and our Loved Ones ! WhatEver That Looks Like
If only I knew what I know then. Thank you Dr.Ramani. You’ve taught me that I have value. My feelings matter. I’m important as an individual. And I don’t stand alone. These are the sturdy beliefs necessary for healing.
I really like the way you respect those that choose to stay. I cannot, it messed me up for a very long time, but I like the way you give us the information for whatever we choose to do. Thank you Dr. Ramani for understanding so much about these situations & the patterns in life that so many of us were born into. I believe with knowledge & therapy, we can break the cycle & heal. ☮️
Hang in there. Maybe a belief in a pure and comforting guardian angel made only for you. Or go inside for the peace that does live within you. Writing feeling or anxiety is great too. Finding someone to help. All your wisdom to help lift up another person struggling to regain their interest right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness without unhealthy fear. Love bless you on your journey.
Ive had narcs in all areas of my life, friends work and family. Really hard to get an anchor when in that situation. Went on to have a narc relationship for three years that scarred for the next twenty years because my friend were narcs. Finally now have gotten them all out of my life!!
Love you Ramani❤ ! 😊 In the end, it’s not what you have been through that defines who you are; it’s how you got through it that has made you the person you are today, and the person you are capable of being tomorrow! 👏🏻😊 😊👏😊👏😊
I LOOOOOVE that! A way to not be defined by the “voices” which have stuck with us even after the abuser is gone! We are SO much stronger and wiser from our lessons…💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 To be frank, I am grateful, so grateful, for what I’ve learned, because I know better the One Who truly loves me!
I've got another" saying" that my grandma used to repeat a lot back in a day : " Punishment is slow , but it comes" The only problem is you can wait for it to come forever being stuck in a narcissistic, toxic vicious circle Regatding the knowledge I've gain about narcissism it could feel like a bit of a burden at times but at the same time I know there's no way back now, even though some of my friend keep telling me "You know enough about rarcissism already, stop researching it, it almost became your obsession, it triggers you coz you focus on it so much and that it's an extremely dark, depressing stuff and it never ends..." In that case I'm not even sure whether "knowledge is power" but at least I can recognise all the narcissistic personality traits and their tactics such as : love bombing, devaluation, discard, invalidation and more...I've never seen it so clearly like I do now I can almost sense it coming even before it happens ...
Yes, totally! After a while you can sometimes intuitively feel the toxic vibe at first sight. Like the cold emptiness in the eyes, or that little dismissive gesture which, before, would have gone unnoticed. And for those that are harmless enough, that they are allowed to remain in my life, I can develop the compassion and understanding to give them what they really need: Super-firm boundaries.
@@tshaika9165 I personally 💭 of it as being like they've got a "stench" on them🤔...A lot like a very full dirty diaper pail that doesn't quite close all the way.
I have severed narcissist relationships with family and friends, hardest part was the rest of the family trying to guilt me and lie to me to re-engage.
Yep because of the over culture, my mom never threw that bulgy-eyed, fire breathing gilled, gaping lying mouthed fish back. He died when she was 89 and she did not shed a single tear, didn't spare a moment ditching all of his stuff, and finally let the truth out after 60 years. She had 2 years of freedom before she died and for most of that had debilitating dementia. Dont wait.
I went through this stuff, didn't understand and then I caught your conversation. The real suffering was essential in my ability to hear deeply what you were saying. Your ability to touch the human spirit is remarkable. Thank you again..
You give such a calming energy like my favorite person, my grandma. She never uses narc tactics like other people in my family, now I understand why I love her so much
It does take two to tango. The narcissist can’t do any abusing if there isn’t someone there to abuse. This does not mean the narcissist’s “victim” is the cause of his/her narc behavior. I definitely would not be blaming myself for someone else’s mindset if I heard this comment.
Yup. The narcissist will say it to blame the victim though - it’s the victims fault they got abused because they ‘were there’, even if the person is trapped due to age, economics, a difficult legal situation, etc. even though the abuse itself is never ok, regardless of the circumstances!
I didn't understand what pathological narcissism was until I moved next-door to a dangerous woman. At 60 years old, I taught myself a crash course in personality disorders. As an empath, I forgave myself for being duped by narcissists most of my life. BUT NOW I KNOW BETTER. I am responsible for erecting and defending my boundaries. Life is Earth School. We are here to learn. I aced this course and don't plan on retaking it.
Dr. Ramani ~ You have helped me in ways I didn't imagine when I found your videos a couple months ago. While these parables can be problematic, "honor your father and mother" is so hard with narcissistic parent(s). Have you done or would you do a video on "honor your father and mother"?
Hi. That's both a Jewish and Christian thing... (I mean, I am VERY interested as a Christian, but not all people could be interested in that). I think this would be the perfect meeting point for a great conversation between dr. Ramani and bishop Robert Barron. Hope they can do an in-depth video one day. Actually, I hope they will do a series of in-depht videos about narcissism. They - dr. Ramani and bishop Barron - are both great and "life savers". It could be the beginning of a collaboration between dr. Ramani and the leaders of different religions. This is one of my dreams as a survivor...
I have had an interesting life probably largely in part because I was fleeing narcissists, I can't believe I accidentally moved back in with my narcissistic family again. After living in several different countries and moving to the Amazon and living with the natives to detox from drugs and alcohol, but now I am stuck again with my toxic family, hopefully, am no longer tangoing and am in the process of finding somewhere else to live but it sucks being tricked, I even got a tattoo so I would remember to be wary of narcissists and my broken family. But here I am again! F***! LOL! Thank you, Doctor Ramani!
@@workingtoseethelight8244 it's a good movie! it's depressing, but i meant that to help--it's helpful to see sometimes what's not the most 'ideal' situation, it helps me dissect it . . .
I’ve been free for awhile now and I’m learning all I can so I don’t make yet another mistake in choosing the wrong person. But I feel like I woke up and popped my head out of a groundhog hole! This is what’s happening at work. The goalposts constantly move, and I keep hearing “if you just do a little more work…that raise might come!” Meanwhile I haven’t gotten more than anyone else in years. I’m a conscientious worker and I can’t be lazy, it’s just not me. Time flies faster when you’re busy. But I’ve been doing too much for too long and still they want more. I have zero faith in my workplace anymore. The main reason I stay is the vacation time I’ve accumulated. Not that I can afford to go anywhere anyways, it’s just that at least if my arthritis or back flares up, I can take a day off to rest. Not that anyone is hiring anyone seemingly over 30 anymore anyway. I hate feeling stuck!
Of these 6, #1 is most spot on when the NPD person in your life is a parent. I would add a permutation (that my enabling sister threw out at me): the Bible says to honor your father and mother. Basically, no matter what. So, no matter what mom has done, you're a bad daughter if you don't honor her. Um, no. No, I'm not buying that guilt trip ticket to Gaslightingville. I can and will "honor her" by *forgiving her* AND wanting nothing further to do with her or her abuse.
Thank you for your selfless teaching. I am sharing your wisdom with everyone I know. The issue I have with sharing my wisdom with family is they tend to confirm my knowledge before they accept or acknowledge that I do understand and know what I explained. These family members are not educated beyond HS. But still will not accept that my higher education is worth their time. So, when they listen to you, I'm "that's what I said." I now have clarity. These individuals behave in an unhealthy way. I no longer feel bad for staying away from them, even though I know they are angry about the distance I keep. They gossip about me. Where have you been? Please post all the books you have published.
Going through this now. Unsure how to approach the narc/addicts sister & brother who have shown me empathy. I did consider them family for 20 yrs. I have written to them,not sent, many pages. Not accusing the narc . I do feel the need to let them know my perspective on the end. I discarded him, relapse,social media, new supply. It was all on his phone. As the days go by I will find the right thing to say. I am not a victim,I have been released from things that were never mine. I’m grateful for an opportunity to live a new life at 72.
What you mention about your Church is widespread, whether one is a believer or not. My mother in law is a Catholic zealot who goes to church everytime she can. A few years ago on a Christmas where the family was gathered, she was rude towards me, asking me to cover my legs (I was recently amputated both legs due to an accident). Her reasoning was not to hurt my niece's sensitivity. On top of that she insistently criticizes her daughter (my wife) about her looks, her clothes,etc. Long story short, my interaction is now limited to my wife and our little daughter. As long as I'm alive, I will never interact again with her. And she's well aware of the reason why.
@@VitorMonteiroPT I'm sorry that you are dealing with someone so unkind in your family but I can relate because I have a Son who's very angry and I don't speak to him anymore because of how he spoke to me the last time I visited with him 😔 I think that when others talk about me it's manipulative and I find a way to get out of the relationship. I'm the only person who knows myself best and when others try to tell me they know me better than I know myself I know it's manipulation. I'm also Catholic but I would not talk to anyone unless I have something nice to say. I chose my words carefully because they have weight to them and despite what some people say they can hurt others if they are unkind.
You are so intelligent and articulate, and you are helping me immeasurably. Thank you. The guilt of having severely reduced contact with my mother, which by default limits my contact with my dad, is a big weight at present. Not to mention the waste of it all--all the time and energy I've spent trying to help them has ended in what can feel like a failure on my part. Another failure in my life brings me down! After removing myself, I was first angry and felt strong and motivated (cuz my exit was preceded by an awful incident). Then, when the anger subsided, I felt failure and sadness--like losing 2 friends cuz we had some good moments amidst the horror. Today, after more than a week since the split, I finally feel like doing something again, like playing some music and cleaning up the kitchen. Your guidance this past week, Dr. Ramani, has been a lifeline. I know I need to establish myself in a group and make some new friends. That is one of my goals.
Exact scenario here. I have been in a toxic situation for decades and finally said enough at Christmas. I miss my dear dad, but not the rest. It has been months of your week you've described, but I am determined to draw my boundaries. Proceed with the knowledge that the abuse is real. Do not let them get back where you have made headway.
Very helpful. I was married to narcissist man 9 years. Violent both psy and Fys. My daughter now 28 years has turned her back to me. I don’t know her Address now for 7 years I went through years with grief Shame and guilt as you describe it. My doctor has put the angle to it all that she has a dyssocial personality disorder. I am fine and much better after listening to RUclips. Taking Care of myself not drinking alcohol. Lots of sports and listening to RUclips ❤
I appreciate your videos very much. Very helpful for setting boundaries, understanding, ignoring, and healing from narcissistic immediate family and others.
I am with a toddler, yesterday he had a meltdown in a hardware store. I said to the observers, look at him lol they all laughed as one said, I’d run honey!❤😂❤😂 I got my sneakers and my rain hat. 😊
Ignorance may be blissful, but knowledge is power. Power to create real bliss for ourselves and others. The knowledge you share on your channel helped me to see things for what they are, so I can stay away from those dangers in the future. Your advice actually helped me to go no contact with a covert abuser who otherwise would have kept gaslighting me for much longer! Bless you Dr. Ramani! 💗
I'm a huge fan of absence when it comes to toxic people. The more absent they are, the easier they are to forget, the happier I am. So, for me, this saying is true. 😅
I'm going to say something... uncommon maybe, but I'm always glad to learn about things, no matter how hurtful they are. Because knowledge gives me power to do something about it and when you spend 2/3 of your life not knowing how your parent will behave the next minute and why they can be so nice and so cruel at times it can drive you mad. Learning that my mother is narcissistic made me aware of her behaviours and even though I can't cut her out of my life I don't beat up myself about the mean things she says to me. They still hurt but I know where they com e from and I can brush them off more easily. Learning that the close person is not the ideal one you thought they were can be devastating but in the long run it can be liberating from the very harm that made the person question the things. And it's not about you, your choice of them - it's entirely about them.
The Takes two to tango reminds me of Princess Diana and Prince Charles. I read her biography and she was the scapegoat of the marriage. I felt so heartbroken for her.
Unfortunately most of us first still "need" to go through one or more romantic toxic relationships as well to experience and learn as a grown up what has actually been happening in childhood...😢"not fair"!, my inner child cries out...😢
Right now, I'm in the middle of the divorce with my narcissistic wife. I'm basically at an emotional rock bottom from all the emotional abuse from my wife. I have PTSD and depression from all the emotional abuse. It seems like every time I get slightly off rock bottom, I get emotionally abused by my wife again. I fall back to the rock bottom, and it takes a couple of weeks for me to get off the rock bottom again. I literally don't know how to prevent the abuse from affecting me. I also have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Intelligently, I understand how abuse affects me, but emotionally, I collapse anyway. I don't know how to prevent it or how to deal with it. I feel like Humpty Dumpty except I'm being pushed off the wall many times.
The way to not be affected by the abuse is to stay tf away from the abuser. This is why you have a lawyer who's on your side in a divorce. Use them to communicate as much as possible and blame the lawyer for it. "My lawyer has said that all communication has to go through them. Here's their phone number and email address." Lawyers have seen it all. If yours isn't helpful, find another who is. It's time to make YOUR mental health and wellbeing your number one priority.
Step one for me was to give myself compassion for hitting rock bottom due to the abuse. I kept thinking things like "why does this effect me so much. I should be stronger" but it started to get better when I started thinking " of course I'm reacting like this in this incredibly difficult situation". Then slowly I started to identify things I could do to feel better, like self care actions. Ultimately the only real solution is to get away. Which of course you are already trying to do. Until you get away you deserve all the kindness and comfort you can give yourself.
Your not alone in the emotional abuse of female fakes. Seems like your already cutting bait by divorcing. That no contact state seems to be the way. Again, it's easy to say and not so easy to do. Best of luck. Follow your inner truth.
How bout this proverb, “IF YOU DONT HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY DONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL” I’m the truth teller in the family and have gotten the knuckles on my fathers backhanded swing against my face as he stated this proverb to justify his action against my face.
Same. But it wasn't limited to words - if i had the wrong look on my face, was crying, was angry, was singing or "too loud", the "wrong tone"...anything he didn't like in any given moment, not just truthful things being said or called out
I have been brought up by a narcissistic parents and brothers. Then I forced into a marriage with a narcissistic too. All the abuse including physical and emotional i thought i deserve it at a very young age and gave birth to sons too. I continued to attract abusive relationships after i divorced my ex but didn't realise my self worth or self love although I was well educated and confident in many other areas. After going through on going therapy and listening to pod cast like how to value your self and reading many books although now I am in my 60s I was still going through the cycle of narcissistic characters including my sons abuse. Listening constantly to Ramani i learnt a lot about this personality styles and characters. 1st time I am learning about self compassion and self love. By doing so I am ready to cut the crap of blood is thicker than water phrase. It's a journey as years of putting up with abusive people around you, not easy to switch off everything. But meditation, yoga, reading and therapy beyond all self realisation and reflection is what I am following now. I sleep better. I am not guilty anymore. I value my self. Nothing is too late.
This lesson reminds me of what I found out about myself that made me vulnerable to the narcissist that I spent twenty years with. One of the “benefits” of being with him, was that I had someone to blame for all my personal emotional problems, for my lack of “achievements” which others expected of me (because I had nothing left to give those others). The reason this was so immobilizing, was because the original “contract” I had unwittingly been manipulated into, was that I was this “hero” of amazing moral achievement, so very “kind and giving”. He “valued” in me what I wanted to be seen for. (And I was always told I was ugly, so I felt I didn’t have THAT to offer, because moral people don’t use their looks to manipulate others, because it’s dishonest.) i wasn’t going to divorce and traumatize my children, like was done to me as a child. So, I was wholly owned and operated by someone who didn’t care about ME at all. ( “What you allow is what will continue” and get worse.)
I hear the "kind and giving" a lot from men who claim they want that in a woman, just before they go on a vile misogynistic rant about "women are this, and women are that." These men don't want actual kindness and giving. What they want is someone who will put up with their bullsh*t. If someone is actually kind and giving, they don't EVER announce that that is what they want because their world already reflects plenty of "kind and giving" people because they themselves are like that so they can actually SEE it in others. If you don't have those qualities yourself, then you won't see it in others. They have to look for it, and they won't find it. I'm not saying that kind and giving people only have others like that in their lives. Of course not. The point I'm making is that people who claim to want "kind and giving" people in their lives can't see it even when it's right there in front of them. They use those people because no matter how much kindness and giving comes their way, it's never enough, so they claim that they can't find it.
@@rtphotos4691 I see what you’re saying there, about blindness. Now, what I’m saying by the above, is that he “seduced” me into a shared fantasy of my idealized self, where I would be a liar and fraud if I held him to account or acted on my anger. I wasn’t in love with HIM, only this picture he painted of me. My ex never said he expected this, only that he saw that in ME (in unguarded moments). In fact, he was very critical of just about everything, which he used to spur me to greater effort. I think we hold ourselves hostage, by trying to maintain what we thought we had, in the beginning of the relationship. And, yes, many men may want only someone they can take advantage of, that they can “trust.” That is why I’ve come to believe that a woman must be the moral standard in a relationship, if only for their own protection. Women must have their own expectations. The only man who’s ever loved me for who I am (and proved it) is Jesus.
So true ..and sometimes it takes a while to understand the behaviour that seems 'odd' or incomprehensible is just an attempt at manipulation. But once you see it, you see it. The only tango that then results is their attempts to manipulate -- and your attempts to resist! Basically a silent battle - in my experience anyway!
I used to be the person who urged quarreling couples to stay together, though I tried to help them be aware of red flags. I feel I have an obligation now to look at the red flags first, when I'm asked. It's one of the very few areas where people ask my opinion. Maybe I'll earn the bonus of people not asking me anymore if I do this.
"Every cloud has a silver lining." I went through an extremely difficult time with mental illness. Later, one of my children manifested the same symptoms and we were able to get early treatment. A family member said, "Aren't you glad you have it? You were able to spot it early in her!" I observed dryly that the disorder has a genetic component and that if I didn't have it, she probably wouldn't have it either. Did that particular cloud have a silver lining? Not where my child was concerned. For me, yes, because I did a lot of hard emotional and mental work to cope and as a result I grew. But the growth came from the work, not the illness. Rain is great, but if you don't plant seeds, it won't do anything but get you wet.
The day that I realized and acepted that my parents are both Narcissist, It did feel like I woke Up from a nightmare. It's like I wasen't in reality. I'm curious if people did feel The same wen they realized The abuse.
My experience was that when a heard what a narcissist is, I thought, “So THAT is what is wrong with my spouse!” I just couldn’t understand why my spouse would rage when they could be reasonable.
I'm glad to hear Dr ramani point. out that this can be found in people in positions of power.. often your poisonous parent is the byproduct of the toxic place they live and the people in positions of power in those places
Hello Dr. Ramani. Your videos have helped me a lot. My mom has changed in many ways since after I needed treatment for an eating disorder. She listens to me and doesn't blame/rage like before. It is like a dream come true that I can actually set a boundary now. I call it a miracle. If I'm not careful and dissolve in the relationship or if I'm stressed out same old patterns show up, however despite having this love and acceptance I never had from my parents, firstly I can't believe they really are happy with who I am, specially because it feels like now she is taking on the rescuer role (or I'm too paranoid and see everything as manipulation) and second I feel so confused who to blame for my lost childhood! I love my mom and never stopped. I know I resisted it so much when she shamed me for not moving on and forgiving her before she changed. Now she apologizes and feels shame for the ways she's hurt me. Still I'm as insecure in all my relationships and can't create the feelings of safety and trust. How can I move on and process these two very contradicting moms I now have? How can I stop seeing manipulation in others behaviors and why do I constantly attract psychopaths or is it in my head when I think they enjoy seeing me hurt?
😮 I’ve always believed “it takes two to tango” so deeply I might as well have it tattooed. Still listening you you I’m feeling so confused thinking, “But I AM to blame!” My brain can’t process what you’re saying but it sounds right lol! Yikes.
46:37 when someone acts this way they have no intention of confronting any kind of hardship or struggle to even begin the process of fixing the problem
The original saying is pre-Christian, more appropriately translating to "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb," relating to practices of cutting hands to share blood when entering into groups, and the blood that you would be willing to shed to protect those you love. The idea would be to value these relationships that you choose to shed blood to keep strong and close over the weak ties to those you were born to
I've been doing so well - managed to silence the narc and her flying monkey. However, we are 3 sisters who need to take care of our 96 year old mother. I did it again though - lost my mind when the narc did something abusive to my mother mentally. She is now engaging her husband as her current flying monkey. My response to him was ...well foul words doesn't begin to describe it. Now - they have a voicemail from me she can pass around to her friends to show how crazy I am and what she has put up with....ARGH!
1:11 the original proverb ACTUALLY is: “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. Meaning relationships you create (ie blood brothers) are stronger than the relationship that birthed you. This proverb is mostly misquoted.
Actually, in Romanian we have "we forget the eyes we don't see" as a testament to NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE EVER be apart from someone you want to have a relationship with, which comes with its own poison
I appreciate you helping break these toxic cycles. People have often said i say sorry for things that weren't intentional or weren't my own fault(caused by third parties)
My stepfather seems to get more resentful when I pull away. He becomes more sarcastic and condescending when I'm around him. I've cut way back on my interaction with him. I only see him on our weekly family zoom calls. He always seems to throw some derogatory comment my way, but I'm learning to ignore him and keep talking to the other members of my family. I only get on the call to see them anyway. It still hurts though and it's very uncomfortable even being on a virtual call with him. The anxiety I feel whenever I'm in his presence never gets any better. I wish I could just not be on the calls at all and totally disengage from him, but I don't want to let go of seeing my family and keep in touch with them. It's hard no matter what. I haven't been told to be patient, but rather to have empathy for my stepfather and show him love even when he isn't loving toward me. I've been told it's the people that are unlovable that we need to show love most, to show them what love looks like, and hopefully, they'll see and make a turn around. I've been doing this my whole life with my stepfather, and just as you've said so many times, he doesn't change. Each time I'm around him it's like ripping the wound open over and over again. I feel like I've become a much more cynical person and don't trust people like I used to because of the verbal and emotional abuse I received from him over the years and the way my mother and siblings have enabled him. I'm not as empathetic with people as I used to be as I've come across more people in my life that have similar traits and do hurtful things. I've lost much of my hope in the goodness of people.
"It takes two to tango" can be a proverb that EMPOWERS YOU... If you are "caught" in that "dance", you have the option to disengage thus ending the "tango/tangle". But sure, I see what you mean in your interpretation.
“It’s not fun to play hard to get in a relationship for years” 1000%! 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 oh my gosh I HATED that I had to act nonchalant or even be kind of a jerk in order to get his attention back! At one point I even told him that I can easily lose interest 😬 I became reactively toxic and I hated it. It worked, but for what? A relationship should be a safe space to just relax and enjoy yourselves. Nope. Not here ahah here you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to maintain/show off your hotness, and acting hella cold half of the time just to finally get a little attention again. Did I mention I hated it?? Lmao I spent some time questioning the hell out of myself- am I the narc??? But thank god for content like this! You’re a life saver Dr.Ramani! Idk where I’d be without all of this awareness of NPD!
Don't expect loyalty from someone who can't or won't give you honesty.
Dr. Ramani should run for president.
Well said💯💯💯 🤜🏻❤🤛🏻🔥🔥🔥
“Won’t” rather than “can’t”.
No! Bc then she will be busy doing president duties and will not be able to create videos for us lol 😂
And when someone claims to value honesty and sincerity, do not assume that they are honest or sincere. Liars hate being lied to.
Dr ramni for presedent would be wild
It’s been my understanding that “blood is thicker than water” is actually misunderstood and misused by people. The original is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. Which implies that the original means the exact opposite of how people misuse it to justify family loyalty in toxic relationships.
Interesting!
Excellent!
Wow-
This is the true quote ❤
I wish there was truth in, “out of sight out of mind “.
Women in religious settings are taught to be nice, assume everyone is doing their best, and to serve. No one tells you about the narcissists and the takers out there that will gladly let you assume that they are nice, well intentioned, and use you.
The Christian command to forgive is used against abuse victims when in a religion. Especially the sects which are male dominated.
Yes, and the family that is probably within this dynamic including enablers.
Exactly!
THIS.🎯
The enablers and the idea that someone else’s hidden mal-intent is the biggest way we are set up for a never ending cycle of gaslighting, victimization, isolation, shame, and failure. They should be looked at as being as bad or even worse than the narcissistic victimizers.
I USED TO THINK I WAS AN INTROVERT. But then I realized that what I wanted all along was peace of mind. Because I am perfectly extroverted with the people that bring me joy and peace of mind. But I'm extremely introverted to the people that bring drama and tension in my life.
Yeah it's amazing how much you can start to "bloom" once you start healing.Toxic people make us uncomfortable &/or even downright fearful so it makes sense why we can be extra wary of others before healing begins.Always trust that "gut feeling" when you don't feel too good around a person, it's usually right👍🏻.
@@malwads1836 I agree. Family and friends are very toxic nowadays because they use their relationship with you to get what they want. When you become successful, the first people to watch out for are family and friends. Their entitlement towards your success can lead to resentment and envy.
Do whatever you can to leave, your health depends on it.
Absolutely 💯💯💯
And your safety
This Made Me Vulnerable To My Abuser/Narcissist.
1/ Being To Trusting
2/. Treating Others With Respect
3 / Loving The Narcissist Unconditionally
4/. Being Honest And Compassionate.
5/. Have The Desire To Heal Others/Fix The Narcissists
6/. Having Trouble Setting Boundaries.
These are the traits that my friend has. Her narc ex husband was emotionally abusive and became physically abusive when she decided to divorce him. Thank god their kid is smart enough to not trust what the ex says (he tells a very different story, of course).
@@cb9825 🙏
“Blood is thicker than water” is a great way for a family member to treat other family members like sh*t and not accept any accountability and responsibility for that thoughtless, unconscious, irresponsible, disrespectful, tone deaf behavior
"You always hurt the ones you love" is another twisted proverb.
Totally! I have been helping out a narc relative. Trying to be the better person, but it stresses the hell out of me at the same time. Life is not easy.
My opinion: Toxic blood and toxic water are both bad for you. Choose wisely when engaging with anything or anyone toxic. Knowing the difference between healthy and toxicity is wisdom. Disengage when necessary for your peace of mind. Thank you Dr. Ramani
Excellent 💯 💯 💯
Exactly.The saying SHOULD be that toxic blood is JUST as bad as toxic water....Not blood is thicker than water🙄.
Blood may be thicker than water, but not than shit.
Good point! ❤
Dr. Ramani should just continue doing, what she already does❤😊🎉.
This is why they are so dangerous to your psyche. You wish to get that attention back. You end up feeling robbed and mournful. You can and should never never let them back in. Your very life depends on you avoiding them.
This was so well articulated, Dr. Ramani.
"You're very life depends on you avoiding them" 🎯🎯🎯 OMG SO TRUE!!! 💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥
Yep!
My life depends on it.
Now I get to see who I really am when not surrounded by this toxicity.
It’s quite exciting.😊☮️
Literally, my life depended on getting away. For anyone dealing with a malignant narcissist getting and staying away is critical.
I keep thinking that I want to write a letter letting them know I’m not a loser, look what I have accomplished you know? I was the scapegoat and truth teller! I ruined my family’s lives! I’m over 60 and still feel like a loser! Don’t have children if you can’t be a good parent! I got myself fixed because I never wanted to be responsible for any human to feel the deep pain and struggles I have been through.
@@AlisMarsaili1351
I understand.
I think we all want to write that letter..
Tell them who we are, how we are, we know what they’ve done, & we’re not theirs to play with anymore.
But it would be of no use.
They’d twist it & hurt us even more.
It’s just fuel for them.
Remember,
“Your very life depends on it!” Staying true to yourself, loving yourself & continued healing.
Virtual hug, if I may Bonnie.
I am so sorry they hurt you so badly.
We understand.
You are not alone.
Be kind to yourself.
You certainly deserve that gentleness.
I’m very proud of you!!
Excellent job, you made it out, & you’re here with your people to continue your healing.🥹
Thank you for being here.
I appreciate your comment.
🫶🏻+☮️
I find the silver lining in everything BUT my narcissistic family. Lots of good things can await you when you live far away and go no contact. Peace. Contentment. Self preservation.
My brother left to San Francisco to help a friend after the last earthquake and he never came back lol!
I am a happy and grateful and positive person but the narc mother and passive aggressive covert narcissist ex husband really tried soooo hard to destroy these qualities and often won. No contact with them both. I am happy and grateful. Sometimes I feel resentful about the way these people treated me but hey ... the hell with family. It's hugely over rated. I have wonderful friends who love me the way my mother was incapable of
I was married for 28 years to a covert narcisst. I asked for help and consulted professionell psychological help. I was told - it takes two to Tango. I should be more patient, tolerant, not demanding! I lost so much time…. But now separated and living alone, time after time I recover!
I get it! Iv heard that by professionals including my physician! I always come back around too but it’s exhausting and I’m to old and won’t be able to start my life over again its sad but I do better by myself and just NOW I realized my mother would say this to me when ever I would go to her for help wow lol! I can’t believe I just said that and my mother’s voice was in my head!
Yep & that foolish attitude is exactly why more than a few mental health professionals have THEMSELVES ended up being scammed into marriages & whatnot by narcs.I'm so glad this info is finally getting out to EVERYONE whether professional or not because we ALL need to learn this stuff carefully if we expect to protect ourselves & our loved ones, help others,etc.🙂👍🏻
Imagine a world where leaders of countries were like Dr.Ramani.
If she’s popular on youtube, she’s already leading many people from all over the world. Therefore, you do not have to imagine that world, it already exists.
Once enough people want such a world, it will come into being.
It would be such a better place.
In Romanian, my mother language, the saying "it takes two to tango" means that you cannot be the only one giving love, respect, time (all the positive things) in a relationship, as you need both partners to make it work 😊❤❤❤
My own attorney could not come to grips. He kept using "two to tango," "he said, she said," "I'm sure you've both done things you regret." Uh, no dude. I did not pathologically lie, sleep around (and around, and around), gaslight daily, or hit my spouse. SHE did those things. By the way, it is genetic. Her father was the King of narcissists, and my two younger children are narcissistic MONSTERS.
Exactly. The phrase wasn’t intended to cover good AND bad intentions. Just positive ones.
Family Courts believe "It takes two to tango" and are quick to blame the victim.
Reflecting on my past, I've come to realize that holding on to hope made me vulnerable to the toxic dynamics of my narcissistic family and spouse. However, now that I've seen the light, I've vowed to never let my guard down again. It's essential to stay vigilant, my friends, and prioritize our own well-being above all else. Trusting our instincts and surrounding ourselves with positivity is the key to breaking free from such harmful relationships.
Well stated and true. Same here...
I pray it works out for you, now….
I remember my mother frowning at me telling me there’s a school counselor when I asked to go to a psychologist, after I got sexually harassed at 14 by a 44 year old taxi driver. My grades began to crash and burn while an abundance of screaming that I’ll become a garbage lady if I don’t do better was all the aid I was left with. To this day she’ll say she’s “Always been there and always will be” for me, but today I’m strong enough to know the truth about why her memory starts to get foggy looking back. May we all heal ❤
I'm so sorry, that's terrible
I always hated this saying… until I heard the full version. “The Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”.
The relationships we form with people around us in friends who shed blood and tears together striving for the same goals is stronger than familial ties. I’m 30 years old about to get married and it was only through Dr. Ramanis videos did I come to realize I was the product of 2 narcissistic parents… after being called a disgrace of a son and ridiculed repeatedly.
Trust in your friends and the people who chose to spend time with you for you, not just because you’re related. Wish I knew this 10 years ago…
Wonderful!They need to teach kids this stuff in school,it would help SO many of us dealing with narc parents.Congrats on your wisdom & getting married soon,if you have kids remember to teach them this important info too & don't sugar-coat telling them about your own experiences👍🏻👍🏻.
Wow!
I absolutely agree with you. A couple of my friends are more than family to me. Unconditional love and respect is more important than blood ties.
I wish I had dr. Ramani's channel 10 years ago. 😢
"Respect the elderly" has also put A Whole Lot of people in distress.
The "it takes two to tango" actually DID keep me in my narcissistic relationship for years. Nowadays whenever someone uses it in my vincinity I get really angry and tell them not to use it. (I'm not screeming at them or anything just explaining how this proverb can be taken advantage of)
People will usually react really surprised like "it's not that serious bro" but still I feel it's important to try to change peoples attitudes.
“It’s not that serious, chill” is also something some narcissists say when you call them out on things like that. After all, why face/acknowledge that you might have a point? Or have experiences that invalidate what they’re trying to tell someone?
My mother used to say this to me all the time, when I felt that I was getting abused by anyone, whether it was when I was a child or when I had a boyfriend. Instead of being an mother that heard me out and showed me how to assert myself, I would just get confused and quiet feeling like I was doing something wrong. I used to go to counseling to see how I could change myself. I didn't know that my mother was a narcissist. Now I get it. Of course she would say that. She never took accountability for her negative words and actions, and being a narcissist they love battles. As long as you get back up and strike back, they attack back. They live that.
So she was saying, just shut up and you win. (Imagine...there was a lot of silence in my home.)
Yeah it's like my personal saying...It takes 2 to have 1 person hit the other with a darn baseball bat for no reason whatsoever🙄.We as a society need to stop trying to hold folks accountable for (OTHER) people's dysfunctional 💩.
This is the narcissists' favorite.
I actually used it with a narcissist. He was telling me about his ex (whether that was true or not) and that's what I said to him. So I guess it can also be used against a narcissist in a way even though it wasn't malicious on my part.
The whole quote is: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." The irony is that the original quote means the exact opposite, that those who have been loyal and walked through the fire with you are closer than those who are related to you- people from the same womb, the mother who bore you. Irony indeed.
Dr.Ramani you are my silver lining, Found you last year after 22 years not knowing what I was dealing with, Once I got it that they are not redeemable was I able to fully walk away, It's been like removing layers, I literally felt him leave my heart when I finally understood, It wasn't me, he really could not do nice, I have my me back happier than I ever thought possible, Bless you❤
Dr Ramani...You are...A Lightworker! Sending out sparks all over the World! I have read alot of comments and you are saving lives. You are a Silver Lining! ⛅️ 🕊
The more I listen, the more I understand my life. Thank you Dr. R❤
My partner and I 'celebrated' our 10th year wedding anniversary on the 5th of August, but I left home 3 days later. I just felt I'd had enough of what you so well describe: gaslight, control, humiliation, jealousy, deliberate aggression, manipulation, etc, etc. All of these were admitted and confessed. It used to hurt when we were together and still does, due to the memories, but the sensation of freedom and the joy for being able to get rid of the pressure from abusive language and behaviour are amazing. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and knowledge.
I’m so proud of you ❤ now you can celebrate your freedom 🎉
I believed in fairytales and lived by these proverbs and suffered one narc relationship after the other.. and stayed way too long. Thank you Dr Ramani. Your work is freeing people from staying with these toxic people.
My mother would put a record on every night when I went to bed to help me sleep. Rumplestiltskin! The sky is falling! I have NEVER had a decent relationship in my life. I got used, lied to and after I was drained in every way I would have to start over again.
Honestly the only thing that feels like a true "fairytale" to me in it's own imperfectly charming sort of way is...Genuine nontoxic folks☺️.
Yes, “grief”! The grief is like constantly mourning the undead. With 2 narcissists for parents, my life has been like living in a lovely land knowing there is a huge river of lava constantly and dangerously passing underneath. Actively working to not mention it or think about it, except with my therapist, is exhausting.
You SHOULD mention it! Start speaking the truth out loud!!! Part of the problem is that we don't speak up and expose these a holes.
One parent is now dead and the other one is too old and miserable for any reasonable conversation.@@kittykat632
@@kittykat632It depends on situation, sometime is not safe to speak about it. Because other people around you can be narcs/enablers/flying monkeys. They can take advantage of you because you are vulnerable. So I think that OP is doing great job with their therapist.
When I was a kid my best friend was the outcast of the school and my sister was going to ambush her and beat her up one day after school simply because of this. I found out about it and warned her. I also walked with her to her aunt's house, which was the opposite direction of her home, where she was able to call her mother to pick her up. When I got home I was in trouble for putting my best friend ahead of my sister because blood is thicker than water. Nevermind about protecting an innocent person from being beaten up. That didn't matter to my parents. I still shake my head today.
You're a good person. I can bet that you made a real impression on that persons life
@@bereal6590 thank you!
Sometimes, I do wish I never got educated about narcissistic people because you're right Dr. Ramani, "once you see it, you can't unsee it" but your videos and techniques have helped me be more confident that I am not crazy and not everything is my fault. Thank you!
Intersting that you highligted the fact that narcissistic families don't like that you succeed or even that you display competence in areas that they often criticize you for. For them competence and success is an insult.
The last lines of denial made me so emotional bcoz I have been raised by a convert narc mom and I know as a kid my survival strategy was to stay in denial of my moms Narcissm...Which continued for too long a time...I got lost ..now healing at 41 is lot of grief and pain...Things are much better at 43...Breaking the cycle ...
For me I was lonely when I met her and was duped easily. It's only in hindsight,after listening to you and another channel,that I realised what happened to me. I have moments where I just feel so much heartache that it's crushing although, after four months since being discarded, those moments are becoming less frequent.
Me too and Iv been waiting for a Therapist for over 2 years! I’m angry!
it's painful when you realize that you were disposable to someone you trusted and loved very much.
And now you won't fall for a hoover, so you will be safe from getting more of the same and you can be careful to find real love next time, which will come to you for sure!
Sometimes growth can take a lot of effort & time...But eventually it allows flowers to bloom🙂.
I was caught up in the "forgive your enemies " ideology" until I had a major awakening one day and realized whether one makes the personal choice to forgive Or not, Safety First so Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries are MUST . As we get to Know Ourselves, We Have Every Right to Protect Ourselves , Our Personal Sense of Safety, Our Bolongings and our Loved Ones ! WhatEver That Looks Like
I have to stop and take break every few minutes when watching this video, because so much pain and bad memories from my family and childhood pop up.
Ask the spirit of love and truth to consume those abusive memories.
If only I knew what I know then. Thank you Dr.Ramani. You’ve taught me that I have value. My feelings matter. I’m important as an individual. And I don’t stand alone. These are the sturdy beliefs necessary for healing.
I really like the way you respect those that choose to stay.
I cannot, it messed me up for a very long time, but I like the way you give us the information for whatever we choose to do.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for understanding so much about these situations & the patterns in life that so many of us were born into.
I believe with knowledge & therapy,
we can break the cycle & heal.
☮️
I live far from family and I still get so much anxiety.
Hang in there. Maybe a belief in a pure and comforting guardian angel made only for you. Or go inside for the peace that does live within you. Writing feeling or anxiety is great too. Finding someone to help. All your wisdom to help lift up another person struggling to regain their interest right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness without unhealthy fear. Love bless you on your journey.
Practice vipassana meditation and pranayam it will deprograme you regulate your nervous system reduce your stress and anxiety greatly.
Ive had narcs in all areas of my life, friends work and family. Really hard to get an anchor when in that situation. Went on to have a narc relationship for three years that scarred for the next twenty years because my friend were narcs. Finally now have gotten them all out of my life!!
Love you Ramani❤ ! 😊
In the end, it’s not what you have been through that defines who you are; it’s how you got through it that has made you the person you are today, and the person you are capable of being tomorrow! 👏🏻😊
😊👏😊👏😊
I LOOOOOVE that! A way to not be defined by the “voices” which have stuck with us even after the abuser is gone! We are SO much stronger and wiser from our lessons…💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻 To be frank, I am grateful, so grateful, for what I’ve learned, because I know better the One Who truly loves me!
I've got another" saying" that my grandma used to repeat a lot back in a day : " Punishment is slow , but it comes" The only problem is you can wait for it to come forever being stuck in a narcissistic, toxic vicious circle Regatding the knowledge I've gain about narcissism it could feel like a bit of a burden at times but at the same time I know there's no way back now, even though some of my friend keep telling me "You know enough about rarcissism already, stop researching it, it almost became your obsession, it triggers you coz you focus on it so much and that it's an extremely dark, depressing stuff and it never ends..." In that case I'm not even sure whether "knowledge is power" but at least I can recognise all the narcissistic personality traits and their tactics such as : love bombing, devaluation, discard, invalidation and more...I've never seen it so clearly like I do now I can almost sense it coming even before it happens ...
Yes, totally! After a while you can sometimes intuitively feel the toxic vibe at first sight. Like the cold emptiness in the eyes, or that little dismissive gesture which, before, would have gone unnoticed. And for those that are harmless enough, that they are allowed to remain in my life, I can develop the compassion and understanding to give them what they really need: Super-firm boundaries.
@@tshaika9165 I personally 💭 of it as being like they've got a "stench" on them🤔...A lot like a very full dirty diaper pail that doesn't quite close all the way.
@@malwads1836 😂 I wish it was that obvious, would make navigating them much easier!
I have severed narcissist relationships with family and friends, hardest part was the rest of the family trying to guilt me and lie to me to re-engage.
Ambrose Bearce wrote that patience is a minor form of despair disguised as a virtue.
Wirh a narcissist this is spot on
Parental Alienation more common in family courts than you can imagine and usually the better parent gets hurt the most.
narcissistic is a devil please run for your life ❤
Yep because of the over culture, my mom never threw that bulgy-eyed, fire breathing gilled, gaping lying mouthed fish back. He died when she was 89 and she did not shed a single tear, didn't spare a moment ditching all of his stuff, and finally let the truth out after 60 years. She had 2 years of freedom before she died and for most of that had debilitating dementia. Dont wait.
I went through this stuff, didn't understand and then I caught your conversation. The real suffering was essential in my ability to hear deeply what you were saying. Your ability to touch the human spirit is remarkable. Thank you again..
You give such a calming energy like my favorite person, my grandma. She never uses narc tactics like other people in my family, now I understand why I love her so much
It does take two to tango. The narcissist can’t do any abusing if there isn’t someone there to abuse.
This does not mean the narcissist’s “victim” is the cause of his/her narc behavior. I definitely would not be blaming myself for someone else’s mindset if I heard this comment.
Yup. The narcissist will say it to blame the victim though - it’s the victims fault they got abused because they ‘were there’, even if the person is trapped due to age, economics, a difficult legal situation, etc. even though the abuse itself is never ok, regardless of the circumstances!
I didn't understand what pathological narcissism was until I moved next-door to a dangerous woman.
At 60 years old, I taught myself a crash course in personality disorders. As an empath, I forgave myself for being duped by narcissists most of my life. BUT NOW I KNOW BETTER. I am responsible for erecting and defending my boundaries. Life is Earth School. We are here to learn. I aced this course and don't plan on retaking it.
Most of the abuse is done since childhood, so expecting children to have proper boundaries is ludicrous. This "dance" doesn't happen overnight.
Yeah blood thicker than water is notorious especially in organized crime families and they scapegoat and nearly kill the truth seeker 💔
Dr. Ramani ~ You have helped me in ways I didn't imagine when I found your videos a couple months ago. While these parables can be problematic, "honor your father and mother" is so hard with narcissistic parent(s). Have you done or would you do a video on "honor your father and mother"?
Hi. That's both a Jewish and Christian thing...
(I mean, I am VERY interested as a Christian, but not all people could be interested in that).
I think this would be the perfect meeting point for a great conversation between dr. Ramani and bishop Robert Barron.
Hope they can do an in-depth video one day. Actually, I hope they will do a series of in-depht videos about narcissism.
They - dr. Ramani and bishop Barron - are both great and "life savers".
It could be the beginning of a collaboration between dr. Ramani and the leaders of different religions.
This is one of my dreams as a survivor...
Being apart makes the heart grow fonder, of someone else ~ Dolly Parton.
Lol….Dolly the realist…🤗🤗😝😝
We dance around the Narcissist, story of my life
I have had an interesting life probably largely in part because I was fleeing narcissists, I can't believe I accidentally moved back in with my narcissistic family again. After living in several different countries and moving to the Amazon and living with the natives to detox from drugs and alcohol, but now I am stuck again with my toxic family, hopefully, am no longer tangoing and am in the process of finding somewhere else to live but it sucks being tricked, I even got a tattoo so I would remember to be wary of narcissists and my broken family. But here I am again! F***! LOL! Thank you, Doctor Ramani!
watch 'Frances!' true story. movie star who gets bamboozled into moving back home w/fam. we all take 'breaks' or are in a 'patch,' sometimes . . .
@@rundbaum thanks
@@workingtoseethelight8244 it's a good movie! it's depressing, but i meant that to help--it's helpful to see sometimes what's not the most 'ideal' situation, it helps me dissect it . . .
I wish I had known about narcissism in my late teens and early twenties ... before I got sucked in with all the love-bombing!
Doctor Ramani, you are saving me, little by little. Thank you so much.
I’ve been free for awhile now and I’m learning all I can so I don’t make yet another mistake in choosing the wrong person. But I feel like I woke up and popped my head out of a groundhog hole! This is what’s happening at work. The goalposts constantly move, and I keep hearing “if you just do a little more work…that raise might come!” Meanwhile I haven’t gotten more than anyone else in years. I’m a conscientious worker and I can’t be lazy, it’s just not me. Time flies faster when you’re busy. But I’ve been doing too much for too long and still they want more. I have zero faith in my workplace anymore. The main reason I stay is the vacation time I’ve accumulated. Not that I can afford to go anywhere anyways, it’s just that at least if my arthritis or back flares up, I can take a day off to rest. Not that anyone is hiring anyone seemingly over 30 anymore anyway. I hate feeling stuck!
Of these 6, #1 is most spot on when the NPD person in your life is a parent.
I would add a permutation (that my enabling sister threw out at me): the Bible says to honor your father and mother.
Basically, no matter what. So, no matter what mom has done, you're a bad daughter if you don't honor her.
Um, no. No, I'm not buying that guilt trip ticket to Gaslightingville.
I can and will "honor her" by *forgiving her* AND wanting nothing further to do with her or her abuse.
Thank you for your selfless teaching. I am sharing your wisdom with everyone I know. The issue I have with sharing my wisdom with family is they tend to confirm my knowledge before they accept or acknowledge that I do understand and know what I explained. These family members are not educated beyond HS. But still will not accept that my higher education is worth their time. So, when they listen to you, I'm "that's what I said." I now have clarity. These individuals behave in an unhealthy way. I no longer feel bad for staying away from them, even though I know they are angry about the distance I keep. They gossip about me.
Where have you been?
Please post all the books you have published.
Going through this now. Unsure how to approach the narc/addicts sister & brother who have shown me empathy. I did consider them family for 20 yrs.
I have written to them,not sent, many pages. Not accusing the narc . I do feel the need to let them know my perspective on the end.
I discarded him, relapse,social media, new supply. It was all on his phone.
As the days go by I will find the right thing to say. I am not a victim,I have been released from things that were never mine. I’m grateful for an opportunity
to live a new life at 72.
I see some of this around me in my Church and I when I do I recognize it for what it is. Thank you for pointing it out here.
What you mention about your Church is widespread, whether one is a believer or not. My mother in law is a Catholic zealot who goes to church everytime she can. A few years ago on a Christmas where the family was gathered, she was rude towards me, asking me to cover my legs (I was recently amputated both legs due to an accident). Her reasoning was not to hurt my niece's sensitivity. On top of that she insistently criticizes her daughter (my wife) about her looks, her clothes,etc. Long story short, my interaction is now limited to my wife and our little daughter. As long as I'm alive, I will never interact again with her. And she's well aware of the reason why.
@@VitorMonteiroPT I'm sorry that you are dealing with someone so unkind in your family but I can relate because I have a Son who's very angry and I don't speak to him anymore because of how he spoke to me the last time I visited with him 😔 I think that when others talk about me it's manipulative and I find a way to get out of the relationship. I'm the only person who knows myself best and when others try to tell me they know me better than I know myself I know it's manipulation.
I'm also Catholic but I would not talk to anyone unless I have something nice to say. I chose my words carefully because they have weight to them and despite what some people say they can hurt others if they are unkind.
You are so intelligent and articulate, and you are helping me immeasurably. Thank you. The guilt of having severely reduced contact with my mother, which by default limits my contact with my dad, is a big weight at present. Not to mention the waste of it all--all the time and energy I've spent trying to help them has ended in what can feel like a failure on my part. Another failure in my life brings me down! After removing myself, I was first angry and felt strong and motivated (cuz my exit was preceded by an awful incident). Then, when the anger subsided, I felt failure and sadness--like losing 2 friends cuz we had some good moments amidst the horror. Today, after more than a week since the split, I finally feel like doing something again, like playing some music and cleaning up the kitchen. Your guidance this past week, Dr. Ramani, has been a lifeline. I know I need to establish myself in a group and make some new friends. That is one of my goals.
Exact scenario here. I have been in a toxic situation for decades and finally said enough at Christmas.
I miss my dear dad, but not the rest. It has been months of your week you've described, but I am determined to draw my boundaries.
Proceed with the knowledge that the abuse is real. Do not let them get back where you have made headway.
@@DebbieLee-dr3hr Thank you for writing this. We are stronger together!
It's impossible to maintain a relationship with a narc that doesn't make you feel like a failure. A true "It's not you, it's them" sort of situation.
Very helpful. I was married to narcissist man 9 years. Violent both psy and Fys. My daughter now 28 years has turned her back to me. I don’t know her Address now for 7 years
I went through years with grief Shame and guilt as you describe it.
My doctor has put the angle to it all that she has a dyssocial personality disorder.
I am fine and much better after listening to RUclips. Taking Care of myself not drinking alcohol. Lots of sports and listening to RUclips ❤
I appreciate your videos very much. Very helpful for setting boundaries, understanding, ignoring, and healing from narcissistic immediate family and others.
This is a great piece Dr R , I lived with these sayings from my childhood in the wrong context waiting for good things from the wrong source
I am with a toddler, yesterday he had a meltdown in a hardware store. I said to the observers, look at him lol they all laughed as one said, I’d run honey!❤😂❤😂 I got my sneakers and my rain hat. 😊
Thank you sister ❤ you always make extraordinary sense
Ignorance may be blissful, but knowledge is power. Power to create real bliss for ourselves and others. The knowledge you share on your channel helped me to see things for what they are, so I can stay away from those dangers in the future. Your advice actually helped me to go no contact with a covert abuser who otherwise would have kept gaslighting me for much longer! Bless you Dr. Ramani! 💗
Absence does not make the narcs heart fonder! It gives them the opportunity to cheat!
I'm a huge fan of absence when it comes to toxic people. The more absent they are, the easier they are to forget, the happier I am. So, for me, this saying is true. 😅
I'm going to say something... uncommon maybe, but I'm always glad to learn about things, no matter how hurtful they are. Because knowledge gives me power to do something about it and when you spend 2/3 of your life not knowing how your parent will behave the next minute and why they can be so nice and so cruel at times it can drive you mad. Learning that my mother is narcissistic made me aware of her behaviours and even though I can't cut her out of my life I don't beat up myself about the mean things she says to me. They still hurt but I know where they com e from and I can brush them off more easily.
Learning that the close person is not the ideal one you thought they were can be devastating but in the long run it can be liberating from the very harm that made the person question the things. And it's not about you, your choice of them - it's entirely about them.
The Takes two to tango reminds me of Princess Diana and Prince Charles.
I read her biography and she was the scapegoat of the marriage.
I felt so heartbroken for her.
Unfortunately most of us first still "need" to go through one or more romantic toxic relationships as well to experience and learn as a grown up what has actually been happening in childhood...😢"not fair"!, my inner child cries out...😢
Right now, I'm in the middle of the divorce with my narcissistic wife. I'm basically at an emotional rock bottom from all the emotional abuse from my wife. I have PTSD and depression from all the emotional abuse. It seems like every time I get slightly off rock bottom, I get emotionally abused by my wife again. I fall back to the rock bottom, and it takes a couple of weeks for me to get off the rock bottom again. I literally don't know how to prevent the abuse from affecting me. I also have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD. Intelligently, I understand how abuse affects me, but emotionally, I collapse anyway. I don't know how to prevent it or how to deal with it. I feel like Humpty Dumpty except I'm being pushed off the wall many times.
The way to not be affected by the abuse is to stay tf away from the abuser. This is why you have a lawyer who's on your side in a divorce. Use them to communicate as much as possible and blame the lawyer for it. "My lawyer has said that all communication has to go through them. Here's their phone number and email address." Lawyers have seen it all. If yours isn't helpful, find another who is. It's time to make YOUR mental health and wellbeing your number one priority.
Step one for me was to give myself compassion for hitting rock bottom due to the abuse. I kept thinking things like "why does this effect me so much. I should be stronger" but it started to get better when I started thinking " of course I'm reacting like this in this incredibly difficult situation". Then slowly I started to identify things I could do to feel better, like self care actions.
Ultimately the only real solution is to get away. Which of course you are already trying to do. Until you get away you deserve all the kindness and comfort you can give yourself.
Your not alone in the emotional abuse of female fakes. Seems like your already cutting bait by divorcing. That no contact state seems to be the way. Again, it's easy to say and not so easy to do. Best of luck. Follow your inner truth.
How bout this proverb, “IF YOU DONT HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY DONT SAY ANYTHING AT ALL” I’m the truth teller in the family and have gotten the knuckles on my fathers backhanded swing against my face as he stated this proverb to justify his action against my face.
Same. But it wasn't limited to words - if i had the wrong look on my face, was crying, was angry, was singing or "too loud", the "wrong tone"...anything he didn't like in any given moment, not just truthful things being said or called out
I have been brought up by a narcissistic parents and brothers. Then I forced into a marriage with a narcissistic too. All the abuse including physical and emotional i thought i deserve it at a very young age and gave birth to sons too. I continued to attract abusive relationships after i divorced my ex but didn't realise my self worth or self love although I was well educated and confident in many other areas. After going through on going therapy and listening to pod cast like how to value your self and reading many books although now I am in my 60s I was still going through the cycle of narcissistic characters including my sons abuse. Listening constantly to Ramani i learnt a lot about this personality styles and characters. 1st time I am learning about self compassion and self love. By doing so I am ready to cut the crap of blood is thicker than water phrase. It's a journey as years of putting up with abusive people around you, not easy to switch off everything. But meditation, yoga, reading and therapy beyond all self realisation and reflection is what I am following now. I sleep better. I am not guilty anymore. I value my self. Nothing is too late.
Oh my goodness, I 100% agree , thank you Dr Ramani... Peace and love from the 🇬🇧 Xx
Dr.Ramani you are a rare gem.Your words seem to flow from an everlasting fresh water spring.Thanks for guiding us out of the darkness into light❤❤❤🎉🎉🎉
This lesson reminds me of what I found out about myself that made me vulnerable to the narcissist that I spent twenty years with. One of the “benefits” of being with him, was that I had someone to blame for all my personal emotional problems, for my lack of “achievements” which others expected of me (because I had nothing left to give those others). The reason this was so immobilizing, was because the original “contract” I had unwittingly been manipulated into, was that I was this “hero” of amazing moral achievement, so very “kind and giving”. He “valued” in me what I wanted to be seen for. (And I was always told I was ugly, so I felt I didn’t have THAT to offer, because moral people don’t use their looks to manipulate others, because it’s dishonest.) i wasn’t going to divorce and traumatize my children, like was done to me as a child. So, I was wholly owned and operated by someone who didn’t care about ME at all. ( “What you allow is what will continue” and get worse.)
I hear the "kind and giving" a lot from men who claim they want that in a woman, just before they go on a vile misogynistic rant about "women are this, and women are that." These men don't want actual kindness and giving. What they want is someone who will put up with their bullsh*t.
If someone is actually kind and giving, they don't EVER announce that that is what they want because their world already reflects plenty of "kind and giving" people because they themselves are like that so they can actually SEE it in others. If you don't have those qualities yourself, then you won't see it in others. They have to look for it, and they won't find it.
I'm not saying that kind and giving people only have others like that in their lives. Of course not. The point I'm making is that people who claim to want "kind and giving" people in their lives can't see it even when it's right there in front of them. They use those people because no matter how much kindness and giving comes their way, it's never enough, so they claim that they can't find it.
@@rtphotos4691 I see what you’re saying there, about blindness. Now, what I’m saying by the above, is that he “seduced” me into a shared fantasy of my idealized self, where I would be a liar and fraud if I held him to account or acted on my anger. I wasn’t in love with HIM, only this picture he painted of me. My ex never said he expected this, only that he saw that in ME (in unguarded moments). In fact, he was very critical of just about everything, which he used to spur me to greater effort. I think we hold ourselves hostage, by trying to maintain what we thought we had, in the beginning of the relationship. And, yes, many men may want only someone they can take advantage of, that they can “trust.” That is why I’ve come to believe that a woman must be the moral standard in a relationship, if only for their own protection. Women must have their own expectations. The only man who’s ever loved me for who I am (and proved it) is Jesus.
So true ..and sometimes it takes a while to understand the behaviour that seems 'odd' or incomprehensible is just an attempt at manipulation. But once you see it, you see it. The only tango that then results is their attempts to manipulate -- and your attempts to resist! Basically a silent battle - in my experience anyway!
They are liars who believed lies and didn't bother checking with the source.
Your opening line set it all. Thank you
Each of us has a role to play in protecting our planet 🌍
??? Narcissists aren't protecting the planet and will never protect the planet. Narcissists protect *only*,,,, themselves. themselves
God this women is a divine savior! And what would WE do without her wisdom, dedication, and knowledge on these topics! God bless.
I used to be the person who urged quarreling couples to stay together, though I tried to help them be aware of red flags. I feel I have an obligation now to look at the red flags first, when I'm asked. It's one of the very few areas where people ask my opinion. Maybe I'll earn the bonus of people not asking me anymore if I do this.
Just refer people to psychologist. You know now it's not your job to advice. Save yourself and other's.
"Every cloud has a silver lining." I went through an extremely difficult time with mental illness. Later, one of my children manifested the same symptoms and we were able to get early treatment. A family member said, "Aren't you glad you have it? You were able to spot it early in her!" I observed dryly that the disorder has a genetic component and that if I didn't have it, she probably wouldn't have it either. Did that particular cloud have a silver lining? Not where my child was concerned. For me, yes, because I did a lot of hard emotional and mental work to cope and as a result I grew. But the growth came from the work, not the illness. Rain is great, but if you don't plant seeds, it won't do anything but get you wet.
"Authentic ties thicker than water"💯
The day that I realized and acepted that my parents are both Narcissist, It did feel like I woke Up from a nightmare. It's like I wasen't in reality. I'm curious if people did feel The same wen they realized The abuse.
My experience was that when a heard what a narcissist is, I thought, “So THAT is what is wrong with my spouse!” I just couldn’t understand why my spouse would rage when they could be reasonable.
I'm glad to hear Dr ramani point. out that this can be found in people in positions of power.. often your poisonous parent is the byproduct of the toxic place they live and the people in positions of power in those places
Hello Dr. Ramani. Your videos have helped me a lot. My mom has changed in many ways since after I needed treatment for an eating disorder. She listens to me and doesn't blame/rage like before. It is like a dream come true that I can actually set a boundary now. I call it a miracle. If I'm not careful and dissolve in the relationship or if I'm stressed out same old patterns show up, however despite having this love and acceptance I never had from my parents, firstly I can't believe they really are happy with who I am, specially because it feels like now she is taking on the rescuer role (or I'm too paranoid and see everything as manipulation) and second I feel so confused who to blame for my lost childhood! I love my mom and never stopped. I know I resisted it so much when she shamed me for not moving on and forgiving her before she changed. Now she apologizes and feels shame for the ways she's hurt me. Still I'm as insecure in all my relationships and can't create the feelings of safety and trust. How can I move on and process these two very contradicting moms I now have? How can I stop seeing manipulation in others behaviors and why do I constantly attract psychopaths or is it in my head when I think they enjoy seeing me hurt?
😮 I’ve always believed “it takes two to tango” so deeply I might as well have it tattooed. Still listening you you I’m feeling so confused thinking, “But I AM to blame!” My brain can’t process what you’re saying but it sounds right lol! Yikes.
Beautiful Dr. Ramani, beautiful jewelry.
46:37 when someone acts this way they have no intention of confronting any kind of hardship or struggle to even begin the process of fixing the problem
The original saying is pre-Christian, more appropriately translating to "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb," relating to practices of cutting hands to share blood when entering into groups, and the blood that you would be willing to shed to protect those you love. The idea would be to value these relationships that you choose to shed blood to keep strong and close over the weak ties to those you were born to
I've been doing so well - managed to silence the narc and her flying monkey. However, we are 3 sisters who need to take care of our 96 year old mother. I did it again though - lost my mind when the narc did something abusive to my mother mentally. She is now engaging her husband as her current flying monkey. My response to him was ...well foul words doesn't begin to describe it. Now - they have a voicemail from me she can pass around to her friends to show how crazy I am and what she has put up with....ARGH!
1:11 the original proverb ACTUALLY is: “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. Meaning relationships you create (ie blood brothers) are stronger than the relationship that birthed you. This proverb is mostly misquoted.
Actually, in Romanian we have "we forget the eyes we don't see" as a testament to NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE EVER be apart from someone you want to have a relationship with, which comes with its own poison
I appreciate you helping break these toxic cycles. People have often said i say sorry for things that weren't intentional or weren't my own fault(caused by third parties)
My stepfather seems to get more resentful when I pull away. He becomes more sarcastic and condescending when I'm around him. I've cut way back on my interaction with him. I only see him on our weekly family zoom calls. He always seems to throw some derogatory comment my way, but I'm learning to ignore him and keep talking to the other members of my family. I only get on the call to see them anyway. It still hurts though and it's very uncomfortable even being on a virtual call with him. The anxiety I feel whenever I'm in his presence never gets any better. I wish I could just not be on the calls at all and totally disengage from him, but I don't want to let go of seeing my family and keep in touch with them. It's hard no matter what. I haven't been told to be patient, but rather to have empathy for my stepfather and show him love even when he isn't loving toward me. I've been told it's the people that are unlovable that we need to show love most, to show them what love looks like, and hopefully, they'll see and make a turn around. I've been doing this my whole life with my stepfather, and just as you've said so many times, he doesn't change. Each time I'm around him it's like ripping the wound open over and over again. I feel like I've become a much more cynical person and don't trust people like I used to because of the verbal and emotional abuse I received from him over the years and the way my mother and siblings have enabled him. I'm not as empathetic with people as I used to be as I've come across more people in my life that have similar traits and do hurtful things. I've lost much of my hope in the goodness of people.
Really needed to hear it today. Thank you! ❤
"It takes two to tango" can be a proverb that EMPOWERS YOU... If you are "caught" in that "dance", you have the option to disengage thus ending the "tango/tangle".
But sure, I see what you mean in your interpretation.
“It’s not fun to play hard to get in a relationship for years” 1000%! 🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 oh my gosh I HATED that I had to act nonchalant or even be kind of a jerk in order to get his attention back! At one point I even told him that I can easily lose interest 😬 I became reactively toxic and I hated it. It worked, but for what? A relationship should be a safe space to just relax and enjoy yourselves. Nope. Not here ahah here you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to maintain/show off your hotness, and acting hella cold half of the time just to finally get a little attention again. Did I mention I hated it?? Lmao I spent some time questioning the hell out of myself- am I the narc??? But thank god for content like this! You’re a life saver Dr.Ramani! Idk where I’d be without all of this awareness of NPD!