I work with a guy who's been "quitting" his jobs for 12 years. All he talks about is how unfair life is, race, religion, the government, and women. It's at a point where no one at the job likes being around him because all he does is talk about irrelevant matters and complain.
I really want to thank you for giving me the words to say to my friend who constantly plays victim and regurgitates the same phrases every week. Ironically, I’m a recovering chronic complainer who now is attracting that same shadow from others. I feel empowered and validated by your concise wisdom. Bless you and thanks again ❤
Chronic complainers don't want solutions. They generally never change and if you fix the problem, they just find something new to complain about. They are generally people with too much time on their hands.
Exactly, they always want someone else to solve their problems while they constantly moan about them and if someone by chance solves one of their problems they’ll quickly move onto the next problem.
They are more about the problem than the solution. Let that sink in. By solving their problem, they no longer get the attention they are seeking. By manufacturing problems, they get the spotlight on them.
I was a friend to a Chronic Complainer for about 30 years. I ended the friendship last year, and it really rewired my brain for the better. A few thoughts I have: 1. The complainer is more about the problem than the solution. They will call it "venting", but it really is not. 2. The complaining will rub off on you. You will also complain just to maintain rapport. In a sense, it becomes a "pity" party. 3. I think the Dr. made this point. The complainer DOES NOT care about your problems. They show NO EMPATHY for you. After 30 years of this....I had enough. After years of being exhausted and having my time wasted, I left. This is not what the Dr. recommends, but this needed to happen. It has changed my life for the better.
It's really true that the biggest complainers RARELY give a shit about YOUR life. They typically have NO IDEA who YOU are, or anything about YOUR life. They never ask. If you start an interaction with "How are you doing?" they will go ON and ON about themselves and NEVER ask how you're doing.
I left a depressing constant complainer years ago…couldn’t do it any longer….about 5 years i cut a judgy person out of my life, I don’t have time for these ppl draining me. I leave them to God to heal.
@@Kate98755 I am sure with you, there were red flags from the beginning. Problem is we hold on to them thinking we can fix them. They don't want to be fixed, they want the attention.
Everything you said validated my own experiences with a chronic complainer. I also tried going the empathizing and solving her problems route. But it never ended. And she was going through a lot and have been through a lot of trauma in her past so it wasn't like her complaints was uncalled for. But still, it's draining and leads nowhere. In the end it got turned on me as well, where she would find reasons to ruin her mood/day from an innocent comment or action and then act very demeaning. We just recently cut contact and I couldn't be happier.
My mom is a pathological complainer, or, a great and accurate term, "hen-pecker." She is also an interesting case study. Never worked a day in her life and by most measurements highly privileged. My father was for most people a catch: 6f3, pretty good looking, highly accomplished, even-tempered and kind to a fault. He was a way above average provider. Her 2 kids are "good" by most standards. Yet my mom cannot go 60 full minutes without bitching, bad-mouthing or complaining. EVER. The restaurant sucks or the food sucks or the waiters suck or the service sucks or the MANNER in which they take the credit card sucks or the noise of other customers sucks or the lighting sucks or there is a weird smell or it's too quiet or too noisy or the chairs suck. Rinse and repeat for EVERY situation. If she was a movie character, the director would likely tell the actress to tone it down to remain believable.
@@bluecoffee8414 Been there man. My dad used to be exactly like your mom. Even at expensive vacations it didn't change his mood one bit. He could snap if you spilled a few crumbs of your plate onto the table. It doesn't exactly set a good example for the kids. Even when he's not there and my sister spills something I can see fear in her eyes like she's expecting to be barked at. Weirdly enough later years he calmed down when no one expected him to. He actually seems happy now. It's really strange.
Same. My friend keeps sabotaging herself at every turn. Half the time the world is out to get her. I stopped helping her out after a month and told her to get her shitt together. She hasn't buy the way. The world is still out to get her to. It's like God himself wants her to fail. I have never in my life seen a person with this much bad luck in my life.
My father has used me as a sounding board for years, but it got worse a year ago when my mother had some significant medical issues. I've really struggled to not say, "you have to stop complaining about Mom. This isn't how you imagined your life would be? I'm sure she didn't either. Oh, and maybe ask me how I'm doing? Maybe you can be the parent?" I feel guilty about even WANTING to say this. So I've been saying the opposite. Watching this video helped me to see that it isn't my responsibility to change my father's attitude but I can change the way he interacts with me. Thank you.
I just realized that for the sake of my overall health, I have to just plain and simple NOT put up with this kind of behaviour anymore! So I tell them that I am trying to think positively so that I can feel happy because I noticed that complaints and negativity have a really bad effect on me, therefore I am not willing to talk in this manner. If they don't get it, which usually is the case, then I follow up and change the subject to a good feeling one or if this does not work then I just avoid them as much as possible and whenever I interact with them, I keep the conversation short and simple, trying not to put gas on fire. This is always a great exercise for me for my self awareness because of the empathetic side of me I find myself pulled into these downward discussions again and again so I have to be very attentive to catch myself before entering their game of self pity.
When you have to work for a living you have earned the right to complain from time to time. However, do NOT do it in front of your boss! When your BOSS is around it's time to shut up and WORK :)
Love your suggestion of asking “what are you going to do about it” because it really throws them when you ask them! Sometimes people are willing to help themselves and some aren’t. But love this and going to use this for those people who are chronic complainers.
Yep I made a suggestion to my chronic complaining coworker just the other day as to how to deal with another co-worker she was bashing. She basically told me that she wasn't going to do anything. That's all the confirmation I needed to know that she wasn't interested in problem solving
I have used this technique and it works! I say if you come to me w/ the complaint you also have to come to me w/ the solution or don’t come to me at all. I said it kindly and consistently. It works! Either I hear from them differently with a different perspective and they finally grew out of that segment of their life or other constant complainers have moved on. Peace to you all ❤
I have the same thing at work! This lady complains about everything! Even the other people at work who just stand around and do nothing! If you try to talk too she talks over you! If you say something let’s say about the weather then she says no it’s not going to rain and I said yes I saw it on my phone. Then she gets angry and yells no it’s not it’s not going to rain. Then I try to say something then she cuts me off again. So annoying! I don’t need this crap!
I am evicting a young man who rents a room in my house. He’s exhausting everyone. Ex. He found a hair on a bathroom counter and photographed it. And it was his hair!
Absolutely agree I am a complainer! And I am aware and have been trying to learn how to move out of this. Being aware does not mean answers come. So sir honestly thank you
I like your honesty. I complain as well and it does feel good to vent. If you truly want to fix it, be all about the solution…not feed into the problem
Good tip! I was just considering my options for responding to a friend who has been complaining about the same/similar issue 1000 times. Option A Validate her. Option B Give advice. Option C Ignore her. After watching the clip, I replied "Hum, so waht do you plan to do?" We'll see how she replies 😬
I needed this. Ppl gotta get cut off sometimes. If you healed and did the work you deserve to be around others who have done so or are at least taking accountability and are in the process
Complainers hate me because I’ll tell them how to solve their problems and if they don’t make steps to improve, I’ll leave them in a flash with no remorse. Some just like to complain
I used to be chronical complainers, and all of this man is talking is nothing but truth. I was miserable back then and i don't know yet how world really works because all the thing that my single-parent mom told to me is complaint. Now when i lived by myself out of my mom's environment, i'm quite shock about how bug amount of negativity i had radiate throughout my life.
My brother is exactly what you described. I am really sad about him wasting his life but at the same time I have no energy and motivation for my life anymore. This video helped me to see the reason and I will definitely try to follow your recommendations. Thank you so much
I am dealing with this with my manager, I cried the whole way home from work because I was so exhausted from listening to her complaining all day after months of managing it- I really cannot take it any more and will have to get another job.
I want to get a another job my job is cool I’m in program job and they have wonderful benefits and resources that I can use. But I try to tune out with all of the complaining and do stuff for me their at work and not for other people. 😊
My neighbour who’ve I’ve known for 5 years now, we hang out occasionally and her life is complaining, and bitching. The only time she text is to complain, I redirected the conversation and said “Hey you must be happy to be going on vacation” this summer. She instantly went into victim mentality and gave a huge rant, the said GOOD NIGHT!” She is the definition of an emotional vampire. It’s not my job to elevate her or make her feel better, that’s why there’s therapists. She’s toxic and I’m letting her go. There is a point one needs to remove themselves from negative energy and boy I’m going to the happier for it!!
You just need to find other people to waste your time with besides your neighbour. I recommend wasting your time by YOURSELF. That way, you aren't wasting your time on other people's stupid bullshit, just your own. This will make your life much better and easier to manage.
Two different energy fields (complainer vs optimist). Where focus goes energy flows.. Silence is dimensidn that exists between the complainer and the optimist. Ask the open ended question regarding what changes they would like to see in their life and than remain quiet (just as the presenter of this video recommends). Complainers often times live in the past where optimists stay present and are focused on their future. Complainers draw down like the funnel of a tornado (going into the past) and optimists raise up (hope, faith, staying present and bright future).
The energy spent complaining is the same energy it would take to change your situation. I have a friend who only complains about her life, and I always suggest so many options for her and she always has a problem for every solution. It's extraordinary. She's not willing to work online or offline. She is expressing her fears and needs, but she is complaining her way into me solving her problems, and yes, she's been beaten down by life, exactly, and she has experienced abuse, trauma, and neglect, etc... you nailed it.
I think my dad is a chronic complainer and I'm afraid that I am going down the same path. I realized that I mirror his actions a lot and that I came into the conclusion that I don't like my everyday situation with him and that it became difficult for me to handle both his complains and my complains. So, I thought to myself that if I can't help him then maybe I can teach myself how to deal with him and how not to be a chronic complainer too. So, thanks for your video, it was truly helpful and informative.
I truly appreciate how you explained how people can become chronic complainers - that background was spot on. Mostly I enjoyed the practical advices you gave on how to deal with them so that their negative energy does not affect you
I’ve often fallen into the role of complainer. I HATE it when I do. I prayed for help in changing the situation. Am doing much better now I believe. Also I set some boundaries with the people I complained about and found that helped hugely. No point having lax boundaries then hating it when they are trampled!
I agree I use to kinda complain to my cousin about my looks a lot and just about life in general I notice she didn’t like that cause it draining to constantly hear someone complains and certain things I stop complaining to her.
You hit it right on the nose. Ive "tested" (i.e. lived) the advice typically given in ultra conservative religious groups where the blame always lays squarly on the backs of the wife no matter what...:being positive, upbeat etc are just the kind of person I am by nature and was more of back then for nearly 2 decade). Some people wallow in negativity, cannot see it and no amount of being positive FOR them/us, controlling our mood, creating a productive environment etc can help. What I've learned is that an adult's joy/ability to be appreciative and positive is their own responsibility and there comes a point where we have to detach emotionally and very likely physically to save our sanity and what little joy hasn't yet been smothered by their own demons. This then frees our energy up to at least keep from drowning *with* them which doesnt help anyone at all. Thanks for your take on this subject 🌻
I am currently dealing with this situation with my mother. She is so bad that it literally sucks the life out of me when I talk to her. I always dread when she calls because she is bad to keep a person on the phone for an hour while she explains every little detail of the disaster she is dealing with. She will ask me a question about it in what I think about resolving it, but then doesn't allow me to respond before interrupting. I feel bad because she lives alone, but it is just so difficult to talk to her and it affects my kids the same way. She is always asking why no one call her. I hope some of your suggestions here will help me to push her in the right direction. Though I have been doing that some already without realizing it.
Dude me too! I love her and wanna be there cos it’s my mum but when she starts complaining I just wanna rip my hair out it’s like well wtf you want me to do ?!
I searched “how to deal with complainers” and found this. In my experience, I’ve seen characteristics of the chronic complainer but a full fledged chronic complainer wouldn’t survive around me. Or maybe that generous to say because I know for sure i wouldn’t survive around them. I don’t pacify myself or passively allow a chronic complainer to do what they do best. That being said, I do see symptoms of what’s been described in greatly in some of the people closest to me and I wanted to know how yo better handle those situations so I can be considerate of them and where they might be coming from because living in complaint is a foreign idea for me. Looking more into it I absolutely have experienced these emotions and usually they come and then they go. I found sometimes our actions will lead someone to complain or search for a problems, but my experience has shown for one, if you see someone complain about everybody, know that you are next, slow cooking in the oven marinating and bathing in what feels like the role of “help” but you are actually perpetuating the problem and sadly when they eventually turn on you, because nobody is perfect, especially to the complainer, it will hurt, you might feel betrayed, but most importantly you cannot control how your actions influence the manifestation of emotions. For example, I might step on your foot and make you angry and you might want to complain about that, but if you are angry and punch me in my face for stepping on your foot, I was responsible for your anger, I was not responsible for your anger influencing your fist to ball and find momentum in the direction of my face. You hitting me was your decision after what I did made you feel a way and people generally try to attach ownership of each decision after the initial emotion to the emotional trigger and that is where accountability fades and complaining finds iron legs to stand on. Be wary and be brave and always act in love. If you lived the life they lived you might act the same way, so have grace because who knows what life will throw at us? Let’s be considerate, cautious, and always a respected of others but most importantly ourselves.
Man! I praise God about searching videos about Complaining. Im the person who is persistent with life. But my wife is the opposite of me. Im sad not because she complains a lot. But im sad because I don’t know how to handle her. And this video helps me. I want to learn more coz i love my wife. And i wanted her to feel that i could understand her sentiments and complains in life.
I had this exact situation with a long time friend, who kept talking about all the problems he had with women, and one in particular. But really--every woman--he would be with, took the spot of complaint after complaint after complaint. I fielded it for a while, and used empathy, but it started to color our relationship. I would realize that because I gave him an outlet for the complaining, it became the standard in our interactions. After a while of receiving phone calls where the complaining just started from the very first greeting, I chose to have a literal exact conversation as Connor described towards the end of the video. "listen, dude, I love you but seriously I feel like i'm being used as an emotional pillow, and it is affecting our relationship. It makes me not want to hang out with you anymore." After that, we went a few months without talking, but when we spoke again he did ultimately thank me because he said I was right - I am not his therapist. so these conversations do pay off-as hard as they are to have. He has been much more respectful since, but I still stay vigilant, and make sure to respect my own serenity.
A friend of mine constantly complains, about her stepmom, her job, her roommate, her neighbors and how “nobody wants to date her” because she’s convinced that nobody would want to be with someone with her job and body type. She’s sent me about 5 videos over the last year of her in her apartment complaining her neighbor’s music was too loud. The last one was last night and I ignored it and went to bed. This morning I sent her an audio message that said “I love you and you’re one of my best friends. And I want really good things for you and believe you can have them, which is why being a vessel for your complaints is something I don’t want to be in our friendship anymore. If you need to vent while you process a problem, I’m here to help or offer support but I don’t know what you want me to do or say when you repeatedly show me the same offense toward you. I don’t think it helps you, I think it hurts you, and the problems you’re not facing are taking over your life and bleeding into our friendship. And as your friend I don’t want you or our friendship to be hurt.” I sent the text 12 hours ago. Nothing. I just watched this video and I’m glad I saw that I did some things right. But I think it’s pretty likely that the conditions of her friendship would be that I not challenge her commitment to victimhood
I think you did the right thing and in the nicest possible way. If they can't deal with your boundaries at this time than that's okay but it doesn't have to be your problem
Excellent advice: it’s helped me decide how to respond to a dedicated victim. Have boundaries, ask them what they are going to do about it Do not give advice, then be quiet! Simple yet effective. And if that doesn’t work, quit get to de-know them.🙂
I am the complainer myself but i worked on it last year and my negativity stops. But now it is coming back since i start happening adin and i just notice i am acting like a victim which is bad my life. Thanks for this video it really snap me back to reality
I'm a chronic complainer and I get fed up of listening to myself, no joke. And I do find it difficult to empathise with others. The simple question "what are you going to do about it?" sounds like a good thing to ask myself. I don't just complain about external factors though, a lot of it is internal stuff, frustration with myself for not taking the steps I know would benefit me, it's easier to use excuses and complaints I guess, but maybe by following your advice will be the thing I need to actually kick myself into gear. Thanks for the vid!
I needed that. I’m dating a person long distance who is exactly like that and I do exactly what you said not to do… the sad part is I know this person is exactly the way you described and I don’t think they will change because I’ve also asked them what they will do to fix the issues and they have no solution. I know for certain I need to end this relationship but I feel so bad because it’s like I’m the only thing that makes this person happy which is also unattractive on top of the constant complaining. But I’m an optimist and this person is a pessimist and it does drain me to my core. Thank you for this video it was very relatable for me and gave me further clarity on what I need to do so that I can maintain a fulfilling, positive and motivated life thank you thank you
Yes thank you, this has been very useful. I am in a relationship, married actually, to a chronic complainer. I know she had trauma in her early life but really there is only so much you can take from a chronic complainer. I have tried to be empathetic, sympathetic but that just encourages it as you see. I have had to just isolate myself from her and ignore the complaints. Because I have children and grand children at my home. I cannot think about divorce, so myself and the family just have to put up with it. Interesting your comments about how to deal with it. Thank you very much. Good speech
Have a best friend for years now consult complaining and I've only realised recently that i was exhausting myself trying to slove all his issues. Last few year or so he's gotten really bad as his victimisation gotten to the point where he down plays or devalues anything good i achieve. Really hard to share any good news as its instant "its easy for you because of ...". This video help but finding it difficult to not just walk away.
I was so angry after my conversation with a friend so I couldn't work well next day. But thank you for this video. You just gave me the tool to deal with a complainer friend. Thank you man!
Excellent video, great explanation and actionable advice for all of us: young, middle, old, women and men. Helps us try to act before we get into chronic complaints about being chronically complained at! Priceless. Thank you very much.
Thank you for the tool! It’s important to know ‘how to deal’. My person is always complaining and it’s exhausting! I make his coffee, breakfast before he gets up in the morning, make him dinner as soon as I get home, do his laundry, fold and put way. I put a fresh towel out for him every morning in the bathroom and yet .. he complains if his towel is not there or that I lost one of his socks. Nothing can be right for him and it’s hurtful. If I don’t do any of those things, he complains. I can’t win… yet he says he will try and do better and it never happens. Then I shut down. I don’t want to do that. As a people pleaser, he met the match but in reality, I need to learn how to set those boundaries and help him get over his chief complaints in life. He’s a good person and has strong family core value yet, compliant, complain, complain!!!
This is a conversation that is soooo needed! I have been on all sides of this topic. Your honesty and empathy are coming from a good place and advice I am willing to try to save my health. Thank you!
I loved this video. It helped me to see where I need to set boundaries with a couple people and that I need to make sure I'm not being a chronic complainer myself. I'm pretty sure I've dumped on people too.
You validated and confirmed the path that I actually took. I didn’t find this till afterwards and we’re still really good friends so it looks like he’s actually taking care of some things on his own, but I swear to Word for Word that was a conversation that I had about three months ago, maybe four months ago so thank you.
This is excellent. Usually the advice is just to listen. I can actually relate to what you're saying here. It becomes unrelentingly negative and unbearable. Thanks. Even if you love them or it's family they are sucking the life out of you
So true. Constantly being inundated with a stream of negativity in your ear DOES affect your own energy. The drainage also starts making YOU feel negative about your own world and life. You walk away from each tirade needing a BATH. It feels like someone just shoved their crap down your throat. It is, in short, a method of DUMPING on us when someone (who has decided to NOT correct their own thought patterns) chooses to dump all of that crap onto another person. And trying to persuade them to see things any differently than they do, (let alone take any corrective ACTION) does no good. They are ADDICTED to a negative life, negative outcomes, negative and destructive thoughts and actions. In short, they are addicted to being a victim of life, the world, other people, etc.. And they LOVE the chaos (and the consequence loss and failure) of thinking and ACTING in a negative and destructive manner. These types cannot be "saved" from their own choices, which are fueled by their own negative thoughts. Almost everyone I know with health problems, and/or problems in business, are people I can EASILY SEE have caused their own dramas via their CHOICES.
I am married to one. He just woke up 5 minutes ago and complained for 2 things already. I don't know how i'm going to put up with this for the rest of my life.
I have a cousin who b*tches and complains a lot about things and to people so whenever she overly complains to me I say something firmly to her but not in a mean way so I can get her to stop, calm down, and relax.
I know what you mean. I had a coworker who thought she was going to whine and cry about her boyfriend playing video games after work. (He played 2 hour's of games just to wine down) I lost it one day and yield at her. WILL YOU SHUT UP! NO ONE HERE CARE'S! IM AMAZED HE'S STILL COMING HOME TO YOUR WINNING AT ALL! Everyone cheared in the break room. She shut up and went home. Couple week's later she told me she went home crying and her boyfriend changed his ways. He wasn't playing as much afterwork and spending time with her more. Sometimes you just need to kick them in the pants.
I have a cousin that I love very much but she has had a lot of trauma, abuse, physical pain and has lost a son, she has very few family members and estranged from her mother and siblings. She is a chronic complainer. I am 12:42 having a difficult time listening to her. I do not want to hurt her but feel I need to have the hard conversation with her. This issue pushes people away from her. It is a very negative thing to deal with on a daily basis. She is the victim architect
I am an empath and live with ASD. I could complain about my woes but choose not to. When I encounter these complainers who dont want to resolve their complaints it really turns me off. The friend who doesn't work lives with mom and dad sits around for all but 3 hrs a day and is sooo tired. I appreciate the advice at the end that you told your friend. You can't continue like this. I cant either I absorb too much of other's emotions to put myself in this environment. Blessings ❤
Fellow empath. The drain is real. Being an empath, it usually isn't too hard to understand WHY are like that at times, and I try to be patient. But I am ADHD myself....it becomes PHYSICALLY painful...
Beautifully put I can recall a conversation I had with my mother being a chronic complainer and I was challenged with the exact same question. What am I going to do about it She told me to get off her phone line and call her back when I have a solution in place
I find that when I ask the chronic complainer in my life how he can solve his issue himself, he gets very defensive and tends to victimise himself even further. He will often find ways to manipulate our interactions so that he can play the victim. Personally I've never found a way to help or advise him in a way that he will accept, so I have gradually learned to detach myself (as much as I can at least) from needing an outcome or a fix for the situation myself. This does help me in some ways, but it takes quite a lot of energy to not get sucked into his negativity, and so I often have to try and find ways to recharge away from his company, which is sad for the both of us. But it's worth mentioning that he's not a 'bad' person or doing it on purpose, he just can't see himself from another perspective, which is a common predicament.
Your chronic complainer sounds similar to mine. It's very difficult. I'm not going to abandon this person, but I don't think I have any choice but to create a bit more distance.
I found this video after an episode with a college friend. It was someone I hadn't spoken to much in 5 years and then suddenly requested a last minute dinner and dropped a tornado of problems and for the finale, shared a health issue. If it were me, I would have waited after we left the restaurant but this was done before a 150 bill came. I felt so guilty, I just paid for it. I feel like I was used and manipulated and so angry at myself for getting sucked into this.
Thank you for this video. My situation is that I work closely with my best friend. We are both in management and she complains about her work load. She says,”you all know I’m in the department by myself.” We are nurses! We cannot wait in her! I’ve offered all the things you mentioned. I just had to hear it from someone reportable. Just like you said she ran from a solution and then immediately stated she didn’t want to talk about work. It’s draining me because I like my position and I take nursing very serious. She just cry’s and blames everyone else
@willbowen “a complaint free world” is a good book. My eyes are open to the effects of complaining and what we manifest as a result. The root is that we all should take responsibility for the things we don’t like - remove yourself, change it or accept it. I have just had a long rant from my sister about something she has ranted about a lot! I am just going to be present and wait for an answer to come to me, I don’t want to get involved in the rant so this is a great question to ask. What are YOU going to do about it?
Sometimes people confuse people with a lack of filter and chronic complainers, and sometimes they are addressing real problems that need to be addressed that others may push under the rug. If it is way too much then it is a chronic compainer, however there is a real and healthy balance between positive comments and necessary critical feedback to improve. If you express your needs and boundaries you will see the people with a lack of filter or who are very open who genuinely care about others will be more receptive while the selfish chronic complainer will not listen or accept feedback.
First video that i got about this topic and it's very important to get in touch with this point and to know how to deal with this topic. Thank u and greeting from morocco 🇲🇦
I’m married to one… if I say “what are you going to do about it?” I know his reply would be why is it up to him… he would expect help from me. What would I do in this case? He sounds a lot like your friend… complaining about all people and family we know, government, who did him wrong, why I don’t help him enough, etc. it’s been really hard for me and it almost ended our marriage twice. We have been together 14 years and have kids.
Had a conversation with my dad and brother about this today. I work with them, so it is exhausting. My bro ran away and my dad tried to gaslight making me think I am crazy, I am distorted, and that I should have more empathy. I have been the dumpster for their drama for decades, I am so tired of their negativity. It drains the life out of me. I want to have a happy, positive outlook on life and I grew up with these fucked up dudes who think they are above any kind of therapy.
My mom is that chronic complainer. She happens to live with us (she’s in her 80s). It hurts my health, and I catch myself murmuring, too. Her complaining has caused my siblings to cut ties with her completely. She complains to us about everyone else, and then goes and complains about us to other people. It is exhausting. I feel like I’m complaining right now, geeesh
It depends but generally your options are: - set healthy boundaries - enforce your boundaries - keep your distance until the other person sorts their stuff out (which may be never if they're stuck in victim mode) - repeat as necessary E.g. 10:26 & 12:06
Good to reinforce this. I wonder if the questions you recommend will work, without also pausing contact, given you had asked the guy those same questions before doing so.
This literally my experience 10 mins ago with my childs mother. Complaining bout our 4 year old not wanting to clean her room. I swear i never have any of the problems that she says she has with our daughter. She complains tirelessly
I am dealing with this with my grandmother. I had to move in with her due to financial reasons. She just constantly complaints and it's starting to seriously affect my mental health andmy outlook on life. I don't know what to do because I am unable to remove myself from the situation. Besides, I don't see her ever overcoming this behavour as it is so deeply rooted in her. We tried a therapist but she claims they were no good. I just came from a trip abroad and when she first saw me it took 10 minutes of complaining about her problems first before she asked me if I had a nice time :(
What makes people think they are in pain, I know someone since they were little and they had a fine life, and the truth is they are not in pain, they just WANT their way
I just realised I was/ am from time to time a chronic complainer and I did it alot with people but there was one person who really stuck by my side while I was and slowing coming out of being a chronic complainer... I'm slowly stopping but I noticed they are beginning to do it they didn't before but now and I feel so guilty because he was not that person and now I've rubbed off on him and I feel so wrong to leave him when he was always there for me.... I said I would adapt and change for future strength our relationship
Let me know how you deal with chronic complainers in your life.
Ignore them. Wish there was a mute button for whiners
I work with a guy who's been "quitting" his jobs for 12 years. All he talks about is how unfair life is, race, religion, the government, and women. It's at a point where no one at the job likes being around him because all he does is talk about irrelevant matters and complain.
Hi
Thanks✨
I really want to thank you for giving me the words to say to my friend who constantly plays victim and regurgitates the same phrases every week. Ironically, I’m a recovering chronic complainer who now is attracting that same shadow from others. I feel empowered and validated by your concise wisdom. Bless you and thanks again ❤
Chronic complainers don't want solutions. They generally never change and if you fix the problem, they just find something new to complain about. They are generally people with too much time on their hands.
Exactly, they always want someone else to solve their problems while they constantly moan about them and if someone by chance solves one of their problems they’ll quickly move onto the next problem.
They are more about the problem than the solution. Let that sink in. By solving their problem, they no longer get the attention they are seeking. By manufacturing problems, they get the spotlight on them.
True that!
They repeat the same self-defeating behavior that they complain about
Yep they are narcissists because in their world everything is always about them. And they are more toxic than the problems they are complaining about.
I was a friend to a Chronic Complainer for about 30 years. I ended the friendship last year, and it really rewired my brain for the better. A few thoughts I have: 1. The complainer is more about the problem than the solution. They will call it "venting", but it really is not. 2. The complaining will rub off on you. You will also complain just to maintain rapport. In a sense, it becomes a "pity" party. 3. I think the Dr. made this point. The complainer DOES NOT care about your problems. They show NO EMPATHY for you. After 30 years of this....I had enough. After years of being exhausted and having my time wasted, I left. This is not what the Dr. recommends, but this needed to happen. It has changed my life for the better.
It's really true that the biggest complainers RARELY give a shit about YOUR life. They typically have NO IDEA who YOU are, or anything about YOUR life. They never ask. If you start an interaction with "How are you doing?" they will go ON and ON about themselves and NEVER ask how you're doing.
@@strangetimes5724 Watch their eyes when you shift from them to you. There is a disinterest a coldness.
I left a depressing constant complainer years ago…couldn’t do it any longer….about 5 years i cut a judgy person out of my life, I don’t have time for these ppl draining me. I leave them to God to heal.
@@Kate98755 I am sure with you, there were red flags from the beginning. Problem is we hold on to them thinking we can fix them. They don't want to be fixed, they want the attention.
@@randombutrelevant Good point. Holding onto the problem allows them to get the attention they need.
Energy drainers. I think their inner turmoil or anger wants to monopolize your time and energy.
Amen
Narcissic ppl can be energy drainers too, they abuse ppl around them and then act surprised when ppl complain.
💯
Exactly I’m dealing with it right now as I type, constant moaning and complaining never satisfied.
It’s not really energy draining if you either don’t engage or find the humor in how ridiculous they are, in that sense it can be energizing.
"Healthy people who complain need empathy. Chronic complainers need boundaries." - oh man, that's some good wisdom right there. Thanks for the vid!
Everything you said validated my own experiences with a chronic complainer. I also tried going the empathizing and solving her problems route. But it never ended. And she was going through a lot and have been through a lot of trauma in her past so it wasn't like her complaints was uncalled for. But still, it's draining and leads nowhere. In the end it got turned on me as well, where she would find reasons to ruin her mood/day from an innocent comment or action and then act very demeaning. We just recently cut contact and I couldn't be happier.
Glad the video resonated for you.
My mom is a pathological complainer, or, a great and accurate term, "hen-pecker." She is also an interesting case study. Never worked a day in her life and by most measurements highly privileged. My father was for most people a catch: 6f3, pretty good looking, highly accomplished, even-tempered and kind to a fault. He was a way above average provider. Her 2 kids are "good" by most standards. Yet my mom cannot go 60 full minutes without bitching, bad-mouthing or complaining. EVER. The restaurant sucks or the food sucks or the waiters suck or the service sucks or the MANNER in which they take the credit card sucks or the noise of other customers sucks or the lighting sucks or there is a weird smell or it's too quiet or too noisy or the chairs suck. Rinse and repeat for EVERY situation. If she was a movie character, the director would likely tell the actress to tone it down to remain believable.
@@bluecoffee8414 Been there man. My dad used to be exactly like your mom. Even at expensive vacations it didn't change his mood one bit. He could snap if you spilled a few crumbs of your plate onto the table. It doesn't exactly set a good example for the kids. Even when he's not there and my sister spills something I can see fear in her eyes like she's expecting to be barked at.
Weirdly enough later years he calmed down when no one expected him to. He actually seems happy now. It's really strange.
Same. My friend keeps sabotaging herself at every turn. Half the time the world is out to get her. I stopped helping her out after a month and told her to get her shitt together.
She hasn't buy the way. The world is still out to get her to. It's like God himself wants her to fail. I have never in my life seen a person with this much bad luck in my life.
I get it, they take all the oxygen away. It's good to move on in life. Good, healthy, move.
My father has used me as a sounding board for years, but it got worse a year ago when my mother had some significant medical issues. I've really struggled to not say, "you have to stop complaining about Mom. This isn't how you imagined your life would be? I'm sure she didn't either. Oh, and maybe ask me how I'm doing? Maybe you can be the parent?" I feel guilty about even WANTING to say this. So I've been saying the opposite. Watching this video helped me to see that it isn't my responsibility to change my father's attitude but I can change the way he interacts with me. Thank you.
Perhaps the very thing youre struggling not to say is *exactly* what he needs to hear...ive encountered that type. Best wishes.
I just realized that for the sake of my overall health, I have to just plain and simple NOT put up with this kind of behaviour anymore! So I tell them that I am trying to think positively so that I can feel happy because I noticed that complaints and negativity have a really bad effect on me, therefore I am not willing to talk in this manner.
If they don't get it, which usually is the case, then I follow up and change the subject to a good feeling one or if this does not work then I just avoid them as much as possible and whenever I interact with them, I keep the conversation short and simple, trying not to put gas on fire.
This is always a great exercise for me for my self awareness because of the empathetic side of me I find myself pulled into these downward discussions again and again so I have to be very attentive to catch myself before entering their game of self pity.
I am that chronic complainer you see in the office, that is why I am watching this video
When you have to work for a living you have earned the right to complain from time to time.
However, do NOT do it in front of your boss! When your BOSS is around it's time to shut up and WORK :)
Good. Happy you are aware of your actions and behaviors and want to change. :)
@@devilsoffspring5519true , bosses don’t want complainer and lazy people
Just think you’re gay if you complain, you’ll get fixed
@@JafarSadiq-x7sthe reason why i’m watching this is bc i have a coworker who complains about everythingggg and he’s gay😂
Love your suggestion of asking “what are you going to do about it” because it really throws them when you ask them! Sometimes people are willing to help themselves and some aren’t. But love this and going to use this for those people who are chronic complainers.
Yep I made a suggestion to my chronic complaining coworker just the other day as to how to deal with another co-worker she was bashing. She basically told me that she wasn't going to do anything. That's all the confirmation I needed to know that she wasn't interested in problem solving
I have used this technique and it works! I say if you come to me w/ the complaint you also have to come to me w/ the solution or don’t come to me at all. I said it kindly and consistently. It works! Either I hear from them differently with a different perspective and they finally grew out of that segment of their life or other constant complainers have moved on.
Peace to you all ❤
I have a coworker who complains ALL the time, but she gets upset with me when I ignore her 😂
They’re usually the same kinda people. Annoying. They’re just looking for attention.
I have the same thing at work! This lady complains about everything! Even the other people at work who just stand around and do nothing! If you try to talk too she talks over you! If you say something let’s say about the weather then she says no it’s not going to rain and I said yes I saw it on my phone. Then she gets angry and yells no it’s not it’s not going to rain. Then I try to say something then she cuts me off again. So annoying! I don’t need this crap!
Keep ignoring her
I am evicting a young man who rents a room in my house. He’s exhausting everyone.
Ex. He found a hair on a bathroom counter and photographed it. And it was his hair!
Lol! This is so funny!
😂
Oh my lord!! That's awful. They want attention, for some deep rason that belond to their pasts.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I fucking hate those people
Absolutely agree I am a complainer! And I am aware and have been trying to learn how to move out of this. Being aware does not mean answers come. So sir honestly thank you
I like your honesty. I complain as well and it does feel good to vent. If you truly want to fix it, be all about the solution…not feed into the problem
Huge thing is that u recognise u have an issue. That commendable 👍🏾 kudos to u.
Good tip! I was just considering my options for responding to a friend who has been complaining about the same/similar issue 1000 times. Option A Validate her. Option B Give advice. Option C Ignore her. After watching the clip, I replied "Hum, so waht do you plan to do?" We'll see how she replies 😬
I needed this. Ppl gotta get cut off sometimes. If you healed and did the work you deserve to be around others who have done so or are at least taking accountability and are in the process
Complainers hate me because I’ll tell them how to solve their problems and if they don’t make steps to improve, I’ll leave them in a flash with no remorse. Some just like to complain
I used to be chronical complainers, and all of this man is talking is nothing but truth. I was miserable back then and i don't know yet how world really works because all the thing that my single-parent mom told to me is complaint. Now when i lived by myself out of my mom's environment, i'm quite shock about how bug amount of negativity i had radiate throughout my life.
My brother is exactly what you described. I am really sad about him wasting his life but at the same time I have no energy and motivation for my life anymore. This video helped me to see the reason and I will definitely try to follow your recommendations. Thank you so much
I am dealing with a co-worker who is a constant complainer and it is emotionally exhausting dealing with this person. An "energy vampire".
I tend to just laugh. Not laugh "at: them, but just laugh in general. Don't take life so seriously.
I am dealing with this with my manager, I cried the whole way home from work because I was so exhausted from listening to her complaining all day after months of managing it- I really cannot take it any more and will have to get another job.
same here. Good luck to us😊
My wife is the moaner, work is great no wonder I work 12-14 hour days 6 days a week, Sunday the day I’ve off is draining.
I want to get a another job my job is cool I’m in program job and they have wonderful benefits and resources that I can use. But I try to tune out with all of the complaining and do stuff for me their at work and not for other people. 😊
My neighbour who’ve I’ve known for 5 years now, we hang out occasionally and her life is complaining, and bitching. The only time she text is to complain, I redirected the conversation and said “Hey you must be happy to be going on vacation” this summer. She instantly went into victim mentality and gave a huge rant, the said GOOD NIGHT!” She is the definition of an emotional vampire.
It’s not my job to elevate her or make her feel better, that’s why there’s therapists. She’s toxic and I’m letting her go.
There is a point one needs to remove themselves from negative energy and boy I’m going to the happier for it!!
You just need to find other people to waste your time with besides your neighbour.
I recommend wasting your time by YOURSELF. That way, you aren't wasting your time on other people's stupid bullshit, just your own. This will make your life much better and easier to manage.
Two different energy fields (complainer vs optimist). Where focus goes energy flows.. Silence is dimensidn that exists between the complainer and the optimist. Ask the open ended question regarding what changes they would like to see in their life and than remain quiet (just as the presenter of this video recommends). Complainers often times live in the past where optimists stay present and are focused on their future. Complainers draw down like the funnel of a tornado (going into the past) and optimists raise up (hope, faith, staying present and bright future).
The sky is falling…..with millions of dollars…hearts…sunshine…and positivity ❤️🌹🌺😆
Cool, I could use some, have a lovely week as well
The energy spent complaining is the same energy it would take to change your situation. I have a friend who only complains about her life, and I always suggest so many options for her and she always has a problem for every solution. It's extraordinary. She's not willing to work online or offline. She is expressing her fears and needs, but she is complaining her way into me solving her problems, and yes, she's been beaten down by life, exactly, and she has experienced abuse, trauma, and neglect, etc... you nailed it.
I think my dad is a chronic complainer and I'm afraid that I am going down the same path. I realized that I mirror his actions a lot and that I came into the conclusion that I don't like my everyday situation with him and that it became difficult for me to handle both his complains and my complains. So, I thought to myself that if I can't help him then maybe I can teach myself how to deal with him and how not to be a chronic complainer too. So, thanks for your video, it was truly helpful and informative.
I truly appreciate how you explained how people can become chronic complainers - that background was spot on. Mostly I enjoyed the practical advices you gave on how to deal with them so that their negative energy does not affect you
I’ve often fallen into the role of complainer. I HATE it when I do. I prayed for help in changing the situation. Am doing much better now I believe. Also I set some boundaries with the people I complained about and found that helped hugely. No point having lax boundaries then hating it when they are trampled!
I agree I use to kinda complain to my cousin about my looks a lot and just about life in general I notice she didn’t like that cause it draining to constantly hear someone complains and certain things I stop complaining to her.
You hit it right on the nose. Ive "tested" (i.e. lived) the advice typically given in ultra conservative religious groups where the blame always lays squarly on the backs of the wife no matter what...:being positive, upbeat etc are just the kind of person I am by nature and was more of back then for nearly 2 decade). Some people wallow in negativity, cannot see it and no amount of being positive FOR them/us, controlling our mood, creating a productive environment etc can help.
What I've learned is that an adult's joy/ability to be appreciative and positive is their own responsibility and there comes a point where we have to detach emotionally and very likely physically to save our sanity and what little joy hasn't yet been smothered by their own demons.
This then frees our energy up to at least keep from drowning *with* them which doesnt help anyone at all. Thanks for your take on this subject 🌻
I am currently dealing with this situation with my mother. She is so bad that it literally sucks the life out of me when I talk to her. I always dread when she calls because she is bad to keep a person on the phone for an hour while she explains every little detail of the disaster she is dealing with. She will ask me a question about it in what I think about resolving it, but then doesn't allow me to respond before interrupting. I feel bad because she lives alone, but it is just so difficult to talk to her and it affects my kids the same way. She is always asking why no one call her. I hope some of your suggestions here will help me to push her in the right direction. Though I have been doing that some already without realizing it.
Dude me too! I love her and wanna be there cos it’s my mum but when she starts complaining I just wanna rip my hair out it’s like well wtf you want me to do ?!
I am dealing with this as well😢
Same here, it's maddening!
I searched “how to deal with complainers” and found this. In my experience, I’ve seen characteristics of the chronic complainer but a full fledged chronic complainer wouldn’t survive around me. Or maybe that generous to say because I know for sure i wouldn’t survive around them. I don’t pacify myself or passively allow a chronic complainer to do what they do best. That being said, I do see symptoms of what’s been described in greatly in some of the people closest to me and I wanted to know how yo better handle those situations so I can be considerate of them and where they might be coming from because living in complaint is a foreign idea for me. Looking more into it I absolutely have experienced these emotions and usually they come and then they go. I found sometimes our actions will lead someone to complain or search for a problems, but my experience has shown for one, if you see someone complain about everybody, know that you are next, slow cooking in the oven marinating and bathing in what feels like the role of “help” but you are actually perpetuating the problem and sadly when they eventually turn on you, because nobody is perfect, especially to the complainer, it will hurt, you might feel betrayed, but most importantly you cannot control how your actions influence the manifestation of emotions. For example, I might step on your foot and make you angry and you might want to complain about that, but if you are angry and punch me in my face for stepping on your foot, I was responsible for your anger, I was not responsible for your anger influencing your fist to ball and find momentum in the direction of my face. You hitting me was your decision after what I did made you feel a way and people generally try to attach ownership of each decision after the initial emotion to the emotional trigger and that is where accountability fades and complaining finds iron legs to stand on.
Be wary and be brave and always act in love. If you lived the life they lived you might act the same way, so have grace because who knows what life will throw at us? Let’s be considerate, cautious, and always a respected of others but most importantly ourselves.
Man! I praise God about searching videos about Complaining.
Im the person who is persistent with life. But my wife is the opposite of me. Im sad not because she complains a lot. But im sad because I don’t know how to handle her.
And this video helps me. I want to learn more coz i love my wife. And i wanted her to feel that i could understand her sentiments and complains in life.
I had this exact situation with a long time friend, who kept talking about all the problems he had with women, and one in particular. But really--every woman--he would be with, took the spot of complaint after complaint after complaint. I fielded it for a while, and used empathy, but it started to color our relationship. I would realize that because I gave him an outlet for the complaining, it became the standard in our interactions. After a while of receiving phone calls where the complaining just started from the very first greeting, I chose to have a literal exact conversation as Connor described towards the end of the video. "listen, dude, I love you but seriously I feel like i'm being used as an emotional pillow, and it is affecting our relationship. It makes me not want to hang out with you anymore." After that, we went a few months without talking, but when we spoke again he did ultimately thank me because he said I was right - I am not his therapist. so these conversations do pay off-as hard as they are to have. He has been much more respectful since, but I still stay vigilant, and make sure to respect my own serenity.
A friend of mine constantly complains, about her stepmom, her job, her roommate, her neighbors and how “nobody wants to date her” because she’s convinced that nobody would want to be with someone with her job and body type.
She’s sent me about 5 videos over the last year of her in her apartment complaining her neighbor’s music was too loud. The last one was last night and I ignored it and went to bed.
This morning I sent her an audio message that said “I love you and you’re one of my best friends. And I want really good things for you and believe you can have them, which is why being a vessel for your complaints is something I don’t want to be in our friendship anymore. If you need to vent while you process a problem, I’m here to help or offer support but I don’t know what you want me to do or say when you repeatedly show me the same offense toward you. I don’t think it helps you, I think it hurts you, and the problems you’re not facing are taking over your life and bleeding into our friendship. And as your friend I don’t want you or our friendship to be hurt.” I sent the text 12 hours ago. Nothing.
I just watched this video and I’m glad I saw that I did some things right. But I think it’s pretty likely that the conditions of her friendship would be that I not challenge her commitment to victimhood
I think you did the right thing and in the nicest possible way. If they can't deal with your boundaries at this time than that's okay but it doesn't have to be your problem
Excellent advice: it’s helped me decide how to respond to a dedicated victim. Have boundaries, ask them what they are going to do about it Do not give advice, then be quiet! Simple yet effective. And if that doesn’t work, quit get to de-know them.🙂
I am the complainer myself but i worked on it last year and my negativity stops. But now it is coming back since i start happening adin and i just notice i am acting like a victim which is bad my life. Thanks for this video it really snap me back to reality
I'm a chronic complainer and I get fed up of listening to myself, no joke. And I do find it difficult to empathise with others. The simple question "what are you going to do about it?" sounds like a good thing to ask myself. I don't just complain about external factors though, a lot of it is internal stuff, frustration with myself for not taking the steps I know would benefit me, it's easier to use excuses and complaints I guess, but maybe by following your advice will be the thing I need to actually kick myself into gear. Thanks for the vid!
I needed that. I’m dating a person long distance who is exactly like that and I do exactly what you said not to do… the sad part is I know this person is exactly the way you described and I don’t think they will change because I’ve also asked them what they will do to fix the issues and they have no solution. I know for certain I need to end this relationship but I feel so bad because it’s like I’m the only thing that makes this person happy which is also unattractive on top of the constant complaining. But I’m an optimist and this person is a pessimist and it does drain me to my core. Thank you for this video it was very relatable for me and gave me further clarity on what I need to do so that I can maintain a fulfilling, positive and motivated life thank you thank you
Thanks for this video, the chronic complainer in my life is my teenage son, it's so hard, at my wits end.
Yes thank you, this has been very useful. I am in a relationship, married actually, to a chronic complainer. I know she had trauma in her early life but really there is only so much you can take from a chronic complainer. I have tried to be empathetic, sympathetic but that just encourages it as you see. I have had to just isolate myself from her and ignore the complaints. Because I have children and grand children at my home. I cannot think about divorce, so myself and the family just have to put up with it. Interesting your comments about how to deal with it. Thank you very much. Good speech
Have a best friend for years now consult complaining and I've only realised recently that i was exhausting myself trying to slove all his issues.
Last few year or so he's gotten really bad as his victimisation gotten to the point where he down plays or devalues anything good i achieve. Really hard to share any good news as its instant "its easy for you because of ...".
This video help but finding it difficult to not just walk away.
I gotta say, first time came across your channel and I was highly amazed by how you put things together. Liked and subscribed!
Awesome, thank you! Appreciate you following the channel
I was so angry after my conversation with a friend so I couldn't work well next day. But thank you for this video. You just gave me the tool to deal with a complainer friend. Thank you man!
This is the most valuable video on chronic complainers that I have found yet. Great content!
Excellent video, great explanation and actionable advice for all of us: young, middle, old, women and men. Helps us try to act before we get into chronic complaints about being chronically complained at! Priceless. Thank you very much.
Thank you for the tool! It’s important to know ‘how to deal’. My person is always complaining and it’s exhausting! I make his coffee, breakfast before he gets up in the morning, make him dinner as soon as I get home, do his laundry, fold and put way. I put a fresh towel out for him every morning in the bathroom and yet .. he complains if his towel is not there or that I lost one of his socks. Nothing can be right for him and it’s hurtful. If I don’t do any of those things, he complains. I can’t win… yet he says he will try and do better and it never happens. Then I shut down. I don’t want to do that. As a people pleaser, he met the match but in reality, I need to learn how to set those boundaries and help him get over his chief complaints in life. He’s a good person and has strong family core value yet, compliant, complain, complain!!!
Thank you so much for making this wonderful video. I’m trying to deal with my mother who is a constant complainer. This really helped.
This is a conversation that is soooo needed! I have been on all sides of this topic. Your honesty and empathy are coming from a good place and advice I am willing to try to save my health. Thank you!
I loved this video. It helped me to see where I need to set boundaries with a couple people and that I need to make sure I'm not being a chronic complainer myself. I'm pretty sure I've dumped on people too.
You validated and confirmed the path that I actually took. I didn’t find this till afterwards and we’re still really good friends so it looks like he’s actually taking care of some things on his own, but I swear to Word for Word that was a conversation that I had about three months ago, maybe four months ago so thank you.
This is excellent. Usually the advice is just to listen. I can actually relate to what you're saying here. It becomes unrelentingly negative and unbearable. Thanks. Even if you love them or it's family they are sucking the life out of you
So true. Constantly being inundated with a stream of negativity in your ear DOES affect your own energy. The drainage also starts making YOU feel negative about your own world and life. You walk away from each tirade needing a BATH. It feels like someone just shoved their crap down your throat. It is, in short, a method of DUMPING on us when someone (who has decided to NOT correct their own thought patterns) chooses to dump all of that crap onto another person.
And trying to persuade them to see things any differently than they do, (let alone take any corrective ACTION) does no good. They are ADDICTED to a negative life, negative outcomes, negative and destructive thoughts and actions. In short, they are addicted to being a victim of life, the world, other people, etc.. And they LOVE the chaos (and the consequence loss and failure) of thinking and ACTING in a negative and destructive manner.
These types cannot be "saved" from their own choices, which are fueled by their own negative thoughts. Almost everyone I know with health problems, and/or problems in business, are people I can EASILY SEE have caused their own dramas via their CHOICES.
Simple yet very effective advice. Thank you!
This video was spot on. I really appreciate all the advice and I was so surprised to know that so many other people have encountered this issue.
My mom is a chronic complainer still is to this day, didn't even realize I do exactly what she does until my boyfriend pointed it out
Omg, you have explained the closest person in my life exactly. It brings me down so much that I have to shut myself away but wow can it be depressing.
I am married to one. He just woke up 5 minutes ago and complained for 2 things already. I don't know how i'm going to put up with this for the rest of my life.
I have a cousin who b*tches and complains a lot about things and to people so whenever she overly complains to me I say something firmly to her but not in a mean way so I can get her to stop, calm down, and relax.
I know what you mean. I had a coworker who thought she was going to whine and cry about her boyfriend playing video games after work. (He played 2 hour's of games just to wine down)
I lost it one day and yield at her. WILL YOU SHUT UP! NO ONE HERE CARE'S! IM AMAZED HE'S STILL COMING HOME TO YOUR WINNING AT ALL! Everyone cheared in the break room.
She shut up and went home.
Couple week's later she told me she went home crying and her boyfriend changed his ways. He wasn't playing as much afterwork and spending time with her more. Sometimes you just need to kick them in the pants.
Thanks for your hard work; that was such a conscious and meaningful mental health video
I have a cousin that I love very much but she has had a lot of trauma, abuse, physical pain and has lost a son, she has very few family members and estranged from her mother and siblings. She is a chronic complainer. I am 12:42 having a difficult time listening to her. I do not want to hurt her but feel I need to have the hard conversation with her. This issue pushes people away from her. It is a very negative thing to deal with on a daily basis. She is the victim architect
I am an empath and live with ASD. I could complain about my woes but choose not to. When I encounter these complainers who dont want to resolve their complaints it really turns me off. The friend who doesn't work lives with mom and dad sits around for all but 3 hrs a day and is sooo tired. I appreciate the advice at the end that you told your friend. You can't continue like this. I cant either I absorb too much of other's emotions to put myself in this environment. Blessings ❤
Fellow empath. The drain is real. Being an empath, it usually isn't too hard to understand WHY are like that at times, and I try to be patient. But I am ADHD myself....it becomes PHYSICALLY painful...
Beautifully put I can recall a conversation I had with my mother being a chronic complainer and I was challenged with the exact same question. What am I going to do about it She told me to get off her phone line and call her back when I have a solution in place
I find that when I ask the chronic complainer in my life how he can solve his issue himself, he gets very defensive and tends to victimise himself even further. He will often find ways to manipulate our interactions so that he can play the victim. Personally I've never found a way to help or advise him in a way that he will accept, so I have gradually learned to detach myself (as much as I can at least) from needing an outcome or a fix for the situation myself. This does help me in some ways, but it takes quite a lot of energy to not get sucked into his negativity, and so I often have to try and find ways to recharge away from his company, which is sad for the both of us. But it's worth mentioning that he's not a 'bad' person or doing it on purpose, he just can't see himself from another perspective, which is a common predicament.
Your chronic complainer sounds similar to mine. It's very difficult. I'm not going to abandon this person, but I don't think I have any choice but to create a bit more distance.
Thank you very much for the video. Im happy that I got to see this when I'm in need.
I found this video after an episode with a college friend. It was someone I hadn't spoken to much in 5 years and then suddenly requested a last minute dinner and dropped a tornado of problems and for the finale, shared a health issue. If it were me, I would have waited after we left the restaurant but this was done before a 150 bill came. I felt so guilty, I just paid for it. I feel like I was used and manipulated and so angry at myself for getting sucked into this.
Thank you for this video. My situation is that I work closely with my best friend. We are both in management and she complains about her work load. She says,”you all know I’m in the department by myself.” We are nurses! We cannot wait in her! I’ve offered all the things you mentioned. I just had to hear it from someone reportable. Just like you said she ran from a solution and then immediately stated she didn’t want to talk about work. It’s draining me because I like my position and I take nursing very serious. She just cry’s and blames everyone else
Excellent breakdown of this dynamic.
This is really helpful information, ty🙏
@willbowen “a complaint free world” is a good book. My eyes are open to the effects of complaining and what we manifest as a result. The root is that we all should take responsibility for the things we don’t like - remove yourself, change it or accept it. I have just had a long rant from my sister about something she has ranted about a lot! I am just going to be present and wait for an answer to come to me, I don’t want to get involved in the rant so this is a great question to ask. What are YOU going to do about it?
I agree with you, thank you very much for this video! 💖💖💖
Great content. Thank you.
Great advice!
Sometimes people confuse people with a lack of filter and chronic complainers, and sometimes they are addressing real problems that need to be addressed that others may push under the rug. If it is way too much then it is a chronic compainer, however there is a real and healthy balance between positive comments and necessary critical feedback to improve. If you express your needs and boundaries you will see the people with a lack of filter or who are very open who genuinely care about others will be more receptive while the selfish chronic complainer will not listen or accept feedback.
First video that i got about this topic and it's very important to get in touch with this point and to know how to deal with this topic.
Thank u and greeting from morocco 🇲🇦
This was VERY HELPFUL!
Thank YOU!! 🙏
This really helped me THANK YOU!!! I need to break up with a friend TODAY!
Her friendship is bringing me down.
Good advices man, thank you
Thank you for this video
My older sister is the GOAT When it comes to complaining I just straight up ignore her because I don’t have time to argue with her
So much truth here. I wish more people could hear this. Thank you for sharing.
This video is amazing it helped me alot
Can you do a video on how to stop complaining? Your video was awesome… thank you!
This is perfect! thank you!!!!! I have a "but" hole in my life who can sometimes be an "ask" hole as well.
Thank you. This is what I needed to hear.
I’m married to one… if I say “what are you going to do about it?” I know his reply would be why is it up to him… he would expect help from me. What would I do in this case? He sounds a lot like your friend… complaining about all people and family we know, government, who did him wrong, why I don’t help him enough, etc. it’s been really hard for me and it almost ended our marriage twice. We have been together 14 years and have kids.
Thank you so much for this video. 🙏
Had a conversation with my dad and brother about this today. I work with them, so it is exhausting.
My bro ran away and my dad tried to gaslight making me think I am crazy, I am distorted, and that I should have more empathy.
I have been the dumpster for their drama for decades, I am so tired of their negativity. It drains the life out of me. I want to have a happy, positive outlook on life and I grew up with these fucked up dudes who think they are above any kind of therapy.
Its hardest when you have such people at home… having the same struggle hence i am here
Time to find another job & home AWAY from them
nice lecture. i had experience with chronical leer and complainer 'friend' who try to use you every way and plus backstab you...
My mom is that chronic complainer. She happens to live with us (she’s in her 80s). It hurts my health, and I catch myself murmuring, too. Her complaining has caused my siblings to cut ties with her completely. She complains to us about everyone else, and then goes and complains about us to other people. It is exhausting. I feel like I’m complaining right now, geeesh
Please, what camera are you using on your video?
Wow I do this and my daughter also we need to work on this
What to do if that is a roommate like a bestfriend, spouse, or better yet your parent... ??? Any tips on that separation aspect...
It depends but generally your options are:
- set healthy boundaries
- enforce your boundaries
- keep your distance until the other person sorts their stuff out (which may be never if they're stuck in victim mode)
- repeat as necessary
E.g. 10:26 & 12:06
Good to reinforce this. I wonder if the questions you recommend will work, without also pausing contact, given you had asked the guy those same questions before doing so.
That was awesome 👌
Nice perspective, thanks!
This literally my experience 10 mins ago with my childs mother. Complaining bout our 4 year old not wanting to clean her room. I swear i never have any of the problems that she says she has with our daughter. She complains tirelessly
I am dealing with this with my grandmother. I had to move in with her due to financial reasons. She just constantly complaints and it's starting to seriously affect my mental health andmy outlook on life. I don't know what to do because I am unable to remove myself from the situation. Besides, I don't see her ever overcoming this behavour as it is so deeply rooted in her. We tried a therapist but she claims they were no good.
I just came from a trip abroad and when she first saw me it took 10 minutes of complaining about her problems first before she asked me if I had a nice time :(
What makes people think they are in pain, I know someone since they were little and they had a fine life, and the truth is they are not in pain, they just WANT their way
I just realised I was/ am from time to time a chronic complainer and I did it alot with people but there was one person who really stuck by my side while I was and slowing coming out of being a chronic complainer... I'm slowly stopping but I noticed they are beginning to do it they didn't before but now and I feel so guilty because he was not that person and now I've rubbed off on him and I feel so wrong to leave him when he was always there for me.... I said I would adapt and change for future strength our relationship
great advise