The worst part about this is that the Narcissist and the flying monkeys will destroy the relationships you have with people you love dearly. Losing them is crushing.
Behind your back, they say, “I’m really worried about them.” And proceed to trash talk, exaggerate and confabulate about you until everyone around you has false perceptions about you.
Ohh my god the same thing happened with me they spread rumors all over about me that i am a characterless person made sure that everyone gossip about me .how can people be so evil to hurt others i just can't believe this
Privately, he ignores my health needs. I've heard him exaggerating my illnesses to his daughters and to others. Is this so that they feel sorry for HIM?
Before I ever heard about narcissists I used to call what my husband does as "psychological warfare ". Never tell them anything because they will use it against you as ammunition.
I have experienced all that Dr. Carter has explained here , I have been depressed by a particular " friend " whom I recently have discovered has been slandering me in my local neighborhood, and has been telling lies to long lost friends, whom I trusted him to trace on my behalf. ( A foolish move on my own part ) I just feel now that my contacts in the Internet etc have all been infiltrated , and have been monitored by this objectionable character. I've found it necessary recently to contact Google about what has been happening on my Internet. And it's obvious there has been a lot of attack against me by that person . I now have blocked him on my phones and email , but still wonder if I am secure to use Internet Search etc .
Oh my goodness, I wish I would’ve known this a long time ago. Every single intimate secret of my life I shared in trust with my wife then boom every single one has been thrown back in my face in a fit of rage…these videos reassure me that I’m not alone or crazy…
@@jram8555 Spot on!! I’ve learnt (albeit rather late in the day) that I fell into the needs of child with arrested development that resides in an adult man. Still, knowledge is power, it has helped. Plenty of stone-walling since🤐. No more compliance with the narc manipulation. 😘
One of the hardest things is the unfair character assassination. I've kept deep secrets of theirs but my own are public fodder. All we can do is live in such a way to make them the liar. Thank you for your encouraging words Dr. C.
I’ve kept the secrets too, but got beat up with mine and laughed at, even by their flying monkeys. It’s disgusting when you’re struggling and they laugh and chuckle at you.
This is most certainly the most frustrating part. The last time we talked mine said "I hope you aren't telling my business because I certainly haven't told yours." Just lie after lie while I am here being a loyal friend.
Yes! Their lies are made public and spread far and wide but our truth remains hidden in silence. The narcissist is a tricky devil! They train you to keep quiet as they brainwash you and everyone else. We need to talk about them and expose them when necessary and for our own healing.
Miranda rights as read by the narcissist: "You have the right to remain inferior in my eyes. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of my opinion. You have the right to degradation. If you cannot afford condescension, it will be provided to you at no cost other than your self-esteem."
@@loveoneanother881 Thank you for the compliment! There is a third version, though, one that you're more deserving of. It goes like this: "You have the right to remain a decent, good person. Anything you say can and will be used in your defense in a court of moral character. You have the right to retain a a form of emotional and moral support. If you are unable to acquire said support through immediate family or friends, it will therefore be provided to you free of charge (or any other expectations) with the intent of preserving your mental well-being, confidence and self-worth. This support is made possible through the empathy of your local online community. ❤️
"The best defence you can have is a good character." Detach emotionally from those who believe the smear campaigner and treat you with contempt. See them for who they are and "hold on to your self respect" as Dr C encourages us.
my 3 relatives Excluded me from invitations & parties, yet CAME TO MY HOME TO (bulimia) vomit, Purge and sober up& use & ridicule ME: "it was nice knowing you, Cousin Bulimia"!(ugh)
Yes but some don't know about our dr. C. & they are in the dark & need to be taught shown if we get stronger & have nothing to lose & bring heavenly aid the spirit that gives us dr. C to begin with
It took decades to realize my "friend" was a narcissist. All I can say is be aware of how people treat you. If it doesn't sit right with you, you need to really examine the situation and how toxic they really are and get away.
They love to set traps to make you look bad, don't fall into their evil scheme. Keep cool.. be a bystander, be witty to counter the diabolical behaviour of the narcissist.
I wonder if people who have such psychological problem described by this psychologist watch these videos, and what they can possibly learn or recognize in themselves. I guess inability to self-reflect would make narcissist at best see "narcissists" in others.
My aunt seems to have this psychological problem and no amount of argumentation with her can change anything in her grumpy and demeaning attitude in the slightest. Once I asked her what she thinks is most important in life. She answered she would keep that (the answer) to herself.
this is really what MUST be understood about narcissists... they believe their false reality (lies) because its a reality that makes them the center of the universe.. and a reality that Deflects the Truth that they actually are not.
OMG yes....she did that the moment a new member entered the family...my mil ...started character assassination from day 1 ...i even told her NOT to compare us
Yes, this is what I believe my ex did. He chose me because I was “broken” at the time, going through some really rough times. It was the perfect time for him to move in and get what he wanted. He would get me to open up to him, but almost everything about him that he told me was a lie, I never really knew who he was. His mother raised two sociopathic narcissists who have both tried to control and manipulate women.
@@Maria_9789 I use to think maybe that was the only time he was interested because it made him feel better about his own life. Other than that, when I started to talk about myself I could hear the distracted/frustration in his huffing for me to hurry up and stop talking. After awhile, I just stopped talking about myself which led him to eventually calling me boring. I had felt silenced for so long I too insecure to talk about myself.
@@Calmerthanyouare17 i am noticing this happening to me or has happened. I come form very passive aggressive communication type of family, therefore I don't feel heard. But here with these videos i am noticing things. Thanks for responding. And I send you strength and hope.
Yes it’s true - and most likely he could expertly find the fault in your good days and uplifting moments and not be shy about letting you know they weren’t actually good and uplifting at all ! Thanks for sharing
I’ve had that happen to me. How they build a case: - by scorekeeping - misrepresenting the truth - projecting - data mining. Then they cherry-pick what they want
OMG!! This is EXACTLY what I went through! I can’t believe I let someone treat me this way. The love bombing literally lasted a few months. I spent 2 1/2 years trying to do whatever I could to get my ex to be the way she was when we first started dating. I started to believe the hurtful things she said and that I was the problem in our relationship. I attempted suicide on my birthday when she told me she wasn’t in love with me and didn’t think she ever had been. On my birthday!! Thank God I wasn’t successful and I finally realized how toxic that relationship was. Don’t be like me. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are enough. If you’re watching these videos you already know deep down you’re not the problem. Start planning your escape NOW.
Blessings to you for enduring and making it through. I've come to realize, sadly, that narcissists often pounce on Birthdays and any other ostensibly joyous, special occasions for those they abuse. They understand the pain they cause you on such days will cut much deeper. Wishing you continued strength!
I can feel you. My ex has been so mean to me on my last birthday. Hurtful, despising me. We ended our 13 year relationship a few months after. It's been 6 months. I finally feel free from his constant manipulation.
@@AvecPoesie thank you. So true about birthdays! That’s something I noticed when I started to come to my senses that every birthday she started an unnecessary argument. It was so weird! She did extravagant things then seemed to ruin my day on purpose. She is truly an evil person.
@@vp5134 congrats! Good for you for realizing you deserve better. When I left I had nothing but my clothes when I moved into my apartment. I was happy to sleep on the floor that first night knowing I didn’t have to deal with her anymore.
What's devastating is when your own attorney has seen every awful thing go on amd they still seem to be on the narcissists side, people that are normal and don't cause a bunch of drama are the ones that get dumped on. It's almost like they would rather keep the narcissist happy to shut them up rather than do what's right.
It’s sad you confide in them with your deepest problems looking for advice, support, and concern, only to find out later all you did was help them build their case and provide them with more ammo.
Yep that is one of the truths that come to sting the most. It like going to the devil and asking him for mercy and understanding. ! We were trusting in a wolf in sheeps clothing. !
Yes, sharing personal stuff only for it to be thrown in your face in an argument or even in a passing conversation. Word salad as Dr.Ramani says. Things that absolutely hurt to know they never empathized but just held on to your data to later hurt you with it.
The trust, love and now the humility and pain I suffer after realizing my wife of 15 years was a total sham. Her true colors really popped once I caught her cheating.
Highly competitive people seem to disproportionately be narcissists. Anytime I meet people driven by winning, think that person super into Crossfit or the arrogant Exec in a business, I run, not walk, away!
Oh, and the invalidations! Over time I've heard, or not heard, countless instances of invalidation. Often they are not spoken at all, a silent sneer, a furtive look, staring at the wall or the floor in response to my expressing my unique perspective. Their contempt is palpable, it pervades the very air.
@@kerribarclay5976 i understand you but from my experience you are going to see a rage attack against you, take care because narcisist know exactly where to punch you or they will on and on till they do.
Even more hurtful is when that narc is your own mother. Drove me at some point to taking my own life. I just needed to have a real, genuine mother. I hope to have one in heaven when it’s time
Same thing here. My narcissistic mother repeatedly told me to kill my self and so I kept trying. I’d like to talk to people like you because no one I know understands the pain we have.
my mother is also a narc and i just finished a relathionship with a narc boyfriend,... he was the one who finally made me go search for narcisism help. At least now i understand. Trying to recover but still remember a lot of complicated situations that my mother put me in, she was like vodoo puppeteer me...It's not fair but we have to live with it. I really think the best way to get out of it is to live a meaningful life, discovering what we like to do and go for it. Hope all of us can heal, it's really a burden.
It starts with a child who learned to manipulate its parent(s) who never set or maintained limits. They didn't have to deal with learning that they aren't the center of the world. They continue manipulating into adulthood because that is the only way they learned to cope and because it always worked. A child gathers data on how to manipulate parents until the parents refuse to be manipulated.
I was horrified watching the narcissist attempting to build cases against me diabolically, with total sinisterism in recent court situations with her.... gosh, it was ugly! 😈
Court is awful with these people. Not only do they make up stuff about you but they will do the same about the kids if you have any with them. I found that the best way to deal with the onslaught in court is to expect it, only focus on the legal stuff the courts care about, and don’t even bother addressing any of it. Judges don’t care, especially if they see that you are not phased by it
@@robinbelliveau1818 Thank you for your comment! I tried to be composed but I couldn't! There are more court dates coming up and I hope I will be able to do what you suggested! Thank you so much!
@@peterknyk1942 I know how infuriating it is! If your judge doesn’t care and ignores the lies, then follow their lead. From my experience, they tend to ignore the drama. So many of us have had to deal with it so know you’re not alone. Make sure you get support elsewhere. You are going to need to vent to someone you can trust implicitly. Just don’t get stuck there!
OMG. I’ve just spent 30 years with a narcissist without really understanding WTF was going on. Your explanations have made my head explode. I’m so embarrassed that it’s taken this long to finally understand.
I’ve spent 48 and always thought it was emotional abuse. Then I thought it was just me. That I was the narcissist. After much research and reading I’ve discovered I’m not. It’s him. A covert narcissist. Gaslighter. But of course everyone thinks he’s the calm lovely person. I’m the crazy one.
Don't either of you be embarrassed or feel guilty. You couldn't have known in the beginning and by the time you started catching on you were already entrenched. That's how it works. By the time you realized something was wrong you were struggling just to keep your head above water and that takes all your effort. Chins up, lovelies, and carry on.
@@omarra6781 thank you for your kind words I am still learning and now I know what it’s all about it’s become a challenge to deal with it. I can and will do it.
@@cathy14cs I have a feeling you will be just fine. You have a name for "it" now and can research it and put the information to good use. And you WANT to succeed. Not sure if you've heard of these people, but for a few years I watched a lot of Richard Grannon, and plenty of Dr. Ramani and Dr. Grande as well. I had a pretty good foundation of info already, but they helped seal the deal and got me over that last hump. Good luck to you! I wish you every success.
If the narcissist is your superior in any way at work: rank, or just been there longer so they know more, then they're in the driver's seat. They can withhold information, give you wrong information, get you flustered or nervous (such as by ridicule or false accusation), complain about you behind your back to management, and if they have enough evil finesse, your performance will never be what it could have been.
Take 1 part lack of empathy, 2 parts of i’me ALLWAYS right, 3 parts of i’me in charge and don’t you forget it, 4 parts of manipulation of those who will listen mix all together and then add as many other negative ingredients that you can dream up give a slice to all you think will eat and even ask for more!
Building a case against you is the only way they can accept you leaving them too. Its also why you cant keep any friends close to them, they will have that story in thier head conflicting with your relationship with them. Its mass abandonment when you finally go because it's becomes a fight with everyone for who you really are and what really happened. It's awful. When I tell people my ex is dangerous, they don't get it. It can ruin you life to get wrapped up a relationship with one. Literally.
yep all kinds of people thought he was the victim, even though I've been trying to get away (nor for years) from a man who smashed my bones in and went to prison for it, and helped him stalk me! all educated, "nice" people
That’s exactly what happened. I was destroyed emotionally and not one person that was in our group of friends called to ask if I was ok. They all thought he was the victim. It’s so unfair. So unjust. I’m still devastated
@@michellek2946 i just decided they were all morons and likely to beat their wives...it's a bitter truth but most people aren't really that good and they have been manipulated by those people to feel like they are justified. so we can only build our own lives.
Yes, it's true that the best and only thing you can do, is show good character. Narcissists do their best to destroy your reputation in order to keep you on the downside and elevate themselves. But in the end, it's best to keep your integrity and know who you are despite the lies they spread.
After meeting a few Narcissistic people, your trust and safety is shot. Now I can’t help but wonder if someone is gathering data to use against me later.
I feel the same. From being a total extrovert and being repeatedly burned by narcs I now live a hermit life - and to be honest in many ways I prefer it. Humans are too creepy for me now
Most often sentences I have used in a relationship with a narc. " "No I am not!", "No I haven´t!", "No, that is not true!"...."Please, stop it!".... :(
Same. “That’s not true” would send him into a rage. If I interjected one of his 3 hours rants it would send him over the edge and I would be accused of being problematic. I had trouble letting him make up things so I know I made things worse when I tried to tell him what he was saying wasn’t true.
@@Calmerthanyouare17 Exactly! I was lucky, because I had a long-distance-relationship and we chatted mostly. So could show him evidence: his own messages. He became extremely suspicious and started to watch, what he is writing. Did you also had a behavior from your partner, that he was telling you what YOU want, need, dream of, but you have never mentioned that? Mine said, he knows, because he is studying me!
@@danieladeutsch1708 my ex would always make me feel like I needed to different or better than I am. He was not content with me being ordinary and called me boring and dead weight. He always made me feel like I was never doing enough with myself or the relationship no matter what I did. So, yes he would tell me what I needed to be doing and how I should be.
Dealing with this now. My mother told me not to come visit and said she wasn't going to have a funeral for my father. Now my uncles are calling me and telling me she has been crying to them that she doesn't know if I'm going to come or not. I just can't win.
@@AmyMichelleMosier solved this time by telling everyone I would go and then she couldn't back out since she told all of them I should be there. I will keep your idea in mind going forward, thanks.
There are so many layers to this insidiousness! Their manipulative tactics will seep up through the cracks before you even realize what just happened! I'm looking back on the last decade of my life in total disgust. I ALLOWED this person (I really want to call him something else), to manipulate the day lights out of me. I have even noticed that I have anger issues now. I am very aware of my own behaviors. I observe myself and how I behave/respond/react and I just cannot understand how someone can't even look at their own reflection. They can't own shit. They want you to be the container for their bullshit. Im seriously scratching my head as to how people can be this way. And its like they are programmers or "seeders" of every bad emotion or behavior there is. You'll see that if you have children with them. Before you know it, your looking for the pieces of your soul and trying to figure out what the hell you're going to do now.
Chrissy Lou Who?, I scratch my head at these types also. You're right that they are programmers. Where I worked, there was a married couple as co-workers. They were very calculating in instigating divisions between people. They seemed to relish the idea that a fight might break out (that they caused behind the scenes) Sometimes among new hires who were young, their tactics would work. Then you could see them turn all gleeful while they were enjoying the show! Those of us who witnessed it over and over, thought that they really didn't have much of a home life together if this is what they needed to feel powerful and have something to gossip about at the dinner table. It was awful! Two of us older employees started to warn new hires, and it seemed to shut them down a bit over time, as the message ran "through the grapevine" of employees. Soon, no one trusted them. I hope you'll be feeling better soon. Dr. Carter is a fantastic resource in learning to understand these types of people.
They are like hackers of the mind and soul, you will need Gods help and knowledge from this channel to process and overcome it. Just be careful not to punish innocent ppl with the anger issues..
Ppl get ptsd after narcisstic, bcs it is so stressful, others even get Fatique, that's an total burn out ‼️Nature are healing, be where there are trees and grass, it can do a lot‼️👍
Yeah. He used my addiction issues against me to cover up the fact that he has more addiction issues. He purposely baited me and degraded me by making comments about my struggles in front of his friends.
I said to one covert narcissist in a very kind voice. : 'I understand you can't understand things from other people's perspectives'. After the normal paranoid venom- attack, which I didn't interrupt, I then proceeded to let him know that - he believed I had placed a layer of interpretation on his actions. - And he had placed a layer of interpretation on my actions and that we would never agree. HE wanted to go no contact, to which I agreed with alacrity!! Hadn't gone far in that friendship before my eyes were opened.
It is interesting that narcissists build a case against you behind your back, because you always wish people knew what the narcissist was really like behind everyone's back. The covert narcissist is completely charming to others, but will talk about all the people they convinced of their charm behind those people's backs as soon as those people are out of the room. Yet, you look bad trying to convince others of what the narcissist is really like in private, so you never can say anything. The Snuffleupagusness is astounding when dealing with the covert narcissist.
Dr. Les is 100% correct about their little database. My stupidity for opening up to one conniving narcissist. It's unfortunate I had to do my own documentation on this person. My difference is my truth versus their lies. Always on my guard. Stay away and they will never have anything on you!
@@cassiebrown9786 Not stupidity. Not your fault. They are EXTREMELY good at manipulating people and at hiding their true selves initially. It can happen to anyone. They don't start out the way they end. It's easy to be fooled the same way everyone is fooled by them. For the same reason I look bad saying what abusive things he did, I get the "Oh, well, maybe he's changed." or "That's hard to believe. He was so charming at the party, so funny.", is why you fell for them. I wanted to tell this woman who said exactly that to me, "Well, of course he's charming and funny. He wouldn't get more prey if he weren't charming and funny initially. That is NOT how people with NPD end." They start out funny and smiling, showing up every day, walking you home, seeming to care, but they end up with a cold, dead look in their eyes and can't be bothered to take a photo with you on your birthday. Then, they literally shut a door in your face as if you don't exist anymore until you get a shiny, new feeling again in their mind years later and they show up as if nothing ever happened. Psychotic.
@@dcg31free I decided not to expose a Narc in front of their flying monkeys, I knew it would look bad for me. It was Mr Charming around everyone so if I spoke up against it the blame would be directed towards me. I went no contact, avoided the flying monkeys and smiled and said 'no comment'. Showing that you're happy and living your best life without them is what makes them try to destroy your character. They end up looking nasty and vindictive, stupid and peeps see the real them. The fake them disappears, they self destruct. They can't get revenge on silence. Love life again it's the best revenge.
Lori Natarius That's exactly right and I've noticed that highly narcissistic individuals tend to take their masks off, so to speak, earlier with me, hence why I feel even MORE less than! I mean they get angry with me, or are rude, or criticise other people to me, yet it seems like they treat others much better and are VERY popular too. I totally understand why people have trouble acknowledging that all is not as it seems though, then blame their behaviour on their difficult job, or other issues, which can be the case, especially with stressful jobs involving abuse. Mind you, I feel like saying that I'm not their punching bag, or it's not okay to take it out on me, no matter what! Another point is that I've experienced extreme trauma throughout my life and, going by that logic, it means that I can take it out on everyone else. I'm certainly not going to that though. I'm learning that it's best not to say anything to anyone and I've ended up being validated more than once, even though it can take a long time before it happens. I'm staying away from and stopping contact with a lot of people, including family members, as well, but it seems like I don't have one single empathetic friend who cares, except myself, in my life now! I've been disappointed so many times when I've met people who've turned out to be narcissistic, rather than empathetic. However, I do understand that most of it is caused by childhood trauma and I've had huge issues in that area, so I'm far from perfect. Hopefully, I'll be able to meet new ones eventually and these extremely helpful videos and comments are keeping me going in the meantime. ❤
@@dcg31free True and that’s why I never tried. The flying monkeys are narcissistic themselves and are invested in the false reality. It’s a frustration that I put behind me as I left the “relationships” I had with so many of them. They don’t want to know what’s true and what isn’t. They think it’s too much work. They bore me now.
Excellent. One of the ways that a narcissist positions themselves as the "better" person is through religion, portraying themselves as the more righteous and religious person. Even though they are, in fact, hypocritical in practice, and know little about religion, they take shelter in hardline puritanical outward appearances so they look beyond reproach to outsiders. Decency and goodness, which religion actually teaches, is totally out of the equation.
Also out of the question is the Bible description of Love in I Cor 13. I also realized at age 67 that my "Christian" covert N mother did not have the true Bible description of the "fruit of the Spirit".
_"Try to keep you confused about who you are."_ *EXACTLY!* Calling you evil. Yu as a moral person who takes accountability start to question who you know yourself to be.
I know such narcissists and the suffering they cause over tens of years, that it takes us to be able to appreciate Dr. Les Carter's observations, wow! A younger person needs a quicker rule of thumb to save time. So listen carefully to what Dr. Les says and when you find these people, just avoid their shadow (dark side).
yes their recall is amazing. my narc's discard speech was so specific. he said (paraphrasing) you have been always angry because 22 years ago that thing happened that made you angry. Huh? I was so caught up in the specific reference to "22 years ago" that I didn't quite catch the rest of his speech.
I have left what I truly believe now is an authoritarian, covert narcissist husband. I believe if not for your channel I would have stayed in a completely broken down state. Thank you for providing this information to help find healing!!
Today's the 4 year anniversary that a covert narcissist completely ignored that a friend of mine died as a result of the healthcare system in her country misinterpreting her rare condition. That was an eye-opener! I quickly let it go but I didn't forget. Almost 2 years later, the covert narcissist attempted to gaslight me about that rare condition. Fortunately, I love truth, reality and myself far more than any narcissist or their flying monkeys. I burned bridges with both which was definitely worth doing. If they think/say anything about me, that's frankly none of my business. There's no space in my head, heart or day for that. The only reason I gave that any thought whatsoever was I watched this video. Life goes on with dignity, respect and civility. As the script from "Fiddler on the Roof" said, "Rabbi, Is there a blessing for the Czar?" and the rabbi's response was, "May the Lord God bless and keep the Czar far away from us!"
I've been criticized for not maintaining connections with people... You hurt me once bad on me you hurt me twice okay what's up I don't give you a third time you're done you're history I don't talk to you again I don't bother with you again as far as I'm concerned if someone's going to be a narcissist they don't exist I burn Bridges not only do I burn the bridges but I make sure that they can't be rebuilt.
@@TheAngelaoddone yeah the ex husband walked around nude each day I told 5he ex husband that it's disrespectful to our children. He told me it was his house and he could do what he want he cared nothing of us.
I found it to be extremely painful when some of my loved ones believed the smears made by the narcissist in my life. I couldn’t understand how those who had never seen the behaviour attributed to me, could so easily fall for such blatant lies. I came to the conclusion that the only solution is to stay away from them as much as is possible, and not engage. As for the narcissist, no contact gives me the greater peace of mind ☮️
"Ongoing manipulation" so exhausting! Thank you Dr. Carter for helping those of us who are in these relationships. At least I know what I am dealing with now. First I must stop discarding and devaluing myself...
This has happened to me in the workplace. I became very ill (PTSD) as a result. Workplace has agreed to reasonable adjustments, but I don't trust them at all and am VERY on my guard.
When you’re finally hip to their games and you’re standing there knowing full well they’re in the middle of a Manipulation of you it’s Totally surreal. You’re staring down the beast realizing that this person isn’t who you thought they were and you just can’t wait to remove yourself from the situation. It’s bitter sweet too because on 1 hand you’ve grown as a person and it’s something to be proud of and on the other hand you could never see this person same way you used to or let your guard down around them unless some reconciliation is made by their effort.
But you simultaneously realize they're not really prone to self-conscious apologies or shame. And they don't look comfortable thanking people either, it tends to be a weak attempt.
But after learning about narcissism for about a year, I recognize most of the tricks, do not get baited, talked in circles or gaslighted. The arrogance of the narcissist still annoys me and I notice his ongoing need for creating chaos and confusion clearly now.
Everything is not a competition. It is very difficult with parents who are narcissistic. They think if you set a boundary or consequences for their actions, they isolate. You have to have resolve to end the supply to the narcissist.
I never dared set a boundary with mine. I just walked the tightrope, especially after they divorced. Wish I had been stronger and let it all end decades ago, instead of prolonging the agony, only to have it end anyway.
@@tallguy8937 I had two narcissistic parents and stayed with them for around 59 years. I wish I’d left home at 14. They hook you with some little (positive) things and you don’t realize the huge negative impact they’re really having on you until much later in life. At least that’s how it was for me. I guess them telling me to kill my self should have clued me in but all of them had made me so sick that I didn’t know up from down. Sorry for rambling..
@@kerribarclay5976 Agree wholeheartedly. I am dealing with a very jealous narcissist who is upset that my career path differed. They view you as inferior and you literally have to cut off supply because everything is about manipulation. They think you need to associate with the people they associate with. You have to set boundaries and if you feel uncomfortable being around them, then you must isolate physically from them. You can communicate in other ways, face time.
I’m so glad that I watched this video tonight. I felt like you knew what is going on with me. My Narcissistic husband is never and I mean NEVER , ever been wrong or sorry . The daily ongoing verbal abuse and stressed caused by it, has honestly hit my health like a cannon ball. I washed my hair today and 2- clumps of hair just fell out. And for basically 2 months now I cannot eat, it makes me so sick! Which is just as well since most of the time there’s no food in the fridge. He tries to make believe we’re poor, but we aren’t! We don’t need carpet in our house, because we have eggshells on the floors. All I have to do is say the wrong thing or ask question about him and the verbal abuse starts. And he gets, mean. And like you mentioned Dr. Carter, he keeps any and all things I’ve told him and uses them as weapons against me. And since I quit my job to take care of the kids, all the money is his. I buy groceries, big mistake. One of the worst things he throws at me is bringing up my Mother, my best friend who I lost 4 years ago, I still miss her everyday. He then starts calling her a bitch. He then says one of the meanest, cruelest things he says is, because you and your mother were mean and bitches, that that’s why my father (the best ever), had a drinking problem. There’s so much more, but I’ve said more than I should have. With a narcissist, it’s always your (me) fault. This house is in no way a home. If anyone reads this then thank you. Please don’t post mean comments, I already get more than I can handle
You are not alone. I heard you when I read your message & swear I was reading my own story. Sending you blessings & thanking you for your honest outpouring. May your darkness pass and you find that part of yourself again...in freedom✨♥️✨
How I wish you could just ditch him without noticing him ! An escape route through the window .... there must be a way , if you could dream one up & make your dream a reality we'd all support you 100% & be glad to hear of how it went down ! If there be any life in you yet, he's so not deserving .... all your energies save to find a new dwelling ! Good luck & a prayer 🙏
That business with sharing your personal info and having the narc wield it against you for years and years is just so classic. They will remind you of those traumas just to keep you trauma bound and shackled, keeping you in the state of loser. They loathe you having good relationships and insist whatever you are into is lame and so are you. Toxic individuals with tons of entities attachments. You are awesome and so are your children, they love you. ✝️
My exes smear campaign began 2 weeks after the beginning of the relationship which lasted 20 years-so 20 years of gathering fake info against me and persuading everyone I knew that I was a terrible person
@@harleyanne3720 I did too! not worth wasting the energy on. I have gone "no contact" with everyone who believed the lies. Obviously they weren't "my tribe"!
Yep mine had his family friends exes & all associations & all my family and friends & associations convinced I was bad so I was isolated being abused 24.7 with no help Everyone turned on me.
It is important to pay attention to how we give our time, energy and resources. When around the damaged souls, it is natural to engage and defend ourselves, but it is a waste of our time and energy and is a drain on our soul. Over the years, accepting this reality has given me a space/barrier that feels like I am wearing an invisible coat of peace in their restless presence. I am empowered with choice and it is beautiful.
My older sister us a narcissist. My mother enabled her behavior all our lives and suffered mightily by being bullied and manipulated. After our mother passed (long after) I tried very hard to keep a relationship with my sister despite the horrific verbal and emotional and physical abuse I endured from her growing up. Finally, I had enough and told her I would no longer tolerate her disrespect. If she was unwilling to treat me with the respect I deserve, then there is nothing to talk about. Since then she hasn't spoken to me, and has been working to destroy my relationships with remaining family members. I feel I have no recourse. No one to speak on my behalf. I refuse to "defend " myself and simply distance myself from family otherwise the situation is too too painful to carry every day. These people are in it for the long game. My sister is cunning. And I refuse to acknowledge her efforts by trying to "right" things. I have no hope of being able to enjoy time with what little family I have left. Narcissists are dangerousand, in my mind, evil people who take immense pleasure in exacting revenge. I tend to think it's more than a "disorder" and believe some day it will be classified as a true mental illness.
Dr. Carter, today has been major breakthrough for me after years of searching for answers and to be set free. I have been pursuing my freedom to be me for years. The information required to change takes time and persistence. These videos have been instrumental to me going deeper to resolve inner conflicts I have had from past experiences. Today I received the insight that the first experience I had as a young child was infact Narrastic and it was at this point I started carrying their twisted inverted thinking onto me. Everything makes sense now. Almost every relationship since then was Narrastic. In fact whats happening in many parts of the world, communication is Narrastic. What a revelation!! At 58 I am beginning to step out and to become the real me and accepting and coming out of agreement with these thoughts I have been using as self defeating. OMG what day it is today!! I hope this encourages someone to keep going and see how you can be set free. Thanks Dr. Carter for your benevolence and being strong and gentle at the same time. We need your voice of truth. Thank you so much❤❤❤
My first experience as a very young child was with a very narcissistic person too and it shaped me into a narcissist magnet until I was about 59. It was with my mother and actually my father as well. I didn’t know who I was aside from the horrible, “mental patient “ that my family and others taught me I was. Now I know the real me who’s nothing like that! Thank goodness for the people online and here on YT such as Dr. Carter who devote their time and energy for free to help us who would otherwise be lost or even dead because of the narcissists.
I don't know how else I would've gotten through the excruciating pain & confusion from my recent narcissistic relationship & discard, if not for you, Dr. C! Thank you!!!
It’s sad when mutual friends find out you broke up and don’t call to see how you are or what happened. I miss the good times but won’t ever mix them with controlling times.
I FEEL what you're about to speak on, this is exactly correct. They're always gathering evidence in case you start thinking for yourself. They love to go for "they were/are doing drugs" and then paint whatever you were doing as crazy and hateful and blame it on drugs. Then, if you ever came back to them, they would tell everyone they were helping you get better, you're getting "clean".
Or they bait you over and over until you finally respond, then they step back down, tell you you're being too sensitive, and tell others you have anger problems or emotional problems, mental problems. Horribly manipulative from people who claim to love you. People that love you don't treat you like that.
I experienced evrey bit of whats said here..sad but true. Much healing needed after these toxic people discard us, being left in their dust as too inferior to be with. They seek out good people to slowly terrorize emotionally under the desguise of love. TY Dr. C. for helping us unravel the narcs patterns and move forward.
My x Narc framed me and lied in court about why I lost everything 9 years. I am slowly building my life again but still not fully at peace as I have not forgotten and the lies still hurt today as nothing can be done to change what he did as it went through court and signed so despite clearing my name I still live under his shadow of lies and decent of impact into my future. It was brutal as I left with children due to uncontrol violence and abuse. I still pray one day this be all over
Hi, Ivy-- Family court can really be maddening! The court can be really slow to see what is going on. I know how it hurts, and it is hard not to ruminate on the injustices over and over again. Hang in there, it gets better, especially if you can spend some time with emotionally healthy friends to "deprogram" from the poison!
Stay strong and focused. It will be over in time and you’ll have survived something many others could not. Your whole mindset has grown because of this and you’ll be sure to trust self far better before trusting in others.
Thank you so much Dr. Carter. My soon to be ex-wife is a cemented covert narcissist, and a self avowed “data collector”. She has said that with glee as she has been surrounded by people who affirm that in her as a “gifted” way of learning or at the very least, unique. It has been a hellish 11 years for me though as my deepest fears, vulnerabilities and failures have been recorded in her mind devoid of empathy but complete with an agenda- exactly as you said; to showcase the worst in me and compel her audience to see her self designated victim status as justified. It seems she will always inject somewhere in the description of me some fake humanitarian effort in collecting that data, such as “I really did try and understand him and his condition, but he really has some deep -seeded dysfunctions that I can’t help him with, not sure anyone can”. It has gaslighted me into a horrible place that I’m coming out of where I have to defend fictitious assumptions about me before I can even state the truth about her. It has wrecked a marriage that I am beginning to understand was never real in the first place. Sorry for the novel, but thank you so much for giving validation to my mind that the true dysfunction is across from me, not within me. I take your videos as a tool to heal from within so I can address my misgivings and mistakes with compassion and empathy towards myself, not data that’s used as supply by a covert to justify martial crimes that she has gotten away with. Thanks again.
I am sorry for your current discomfort. But I am several months into living by myself after ending my 10 year relationship in June. In short time, you will be breathing in fresh air.... and enjoying the peace that comes from no longer having to defend or explain yourself in exhausting conversations that never lead to resolution. I wish you the best on your healing path...:)
@@Calmerthanyouare17 OMG an actual journal??!! My daughter & I say her dad keeps a little "Book of Injustices" because he brings up mess from the 1970s to complain about.
It is so frustrating since you cannot do or change anything. One can only move away and make no contact. But these people are everywhere. Hopefully one day all people know about this topic and nobody accepts these people anymore
Took me awhile, but once you get past the confusion and the pain, peace will be found. Knowledge is power and not reacting with emotion to manipulation is key for me. Thank you Dr. C………not to say getting to this point is easy, but you will get there. Believe in your own decency….
I was able to find a local therapist but I still get so much out of these videos. Sometimes a struggle to stay on Team Healthy (at the holidays especially) but it's a good place to be. Thank you! Blessings
Dr Judy Rosenberg have good videos about Narcissism and Narcissistic mothers, Narc Survivor is a channel wt good videos and he help ppl who has suffered from Narcissistic abuse ‼️💎
Oh I was just in the court 🙄 with my jealous younger brother the otherday on Thanksgiving an open attack where he brought up everything from childhood n beyond & once he got 0 emotions or reactions from any of it he threatened to throw me down the stairs. Complete sidewinder By court I mean the court of delusional where he was the judge lawyer & jury lol
He accused me of cheating they entire marriage. Called me every single disgusting names you can think of. Trash me to people he know I don't communicate with. Call me broke and lazy, while doing everything he can to sabotage my wfh job. He's constantly being loud and argumentative, while I am working. He pay for investigation companies to track me online. And he used me for a green card and constantly try to accused me of usinv him. Everything I have told him have been used against me
The odd thing is as a victim of a narcissist - I too have been keeping a log and verbal abusive recordings, nasty text messages and a log mainly to keep my sanity. And I too have been explaining to my close family and friends that the person they see is not the person I live with. 😕
I have lived for more years with my narcissist than without…married way too young. And now that I finally left, I am sad snd shocked to find narc behaviors in myself! I need to get healthy quick, healing my thinking, having more integrity in my behavior and being genuinely a better role model for my kids. They deserve that…I am so sad that I had been raising them in dysfunction (as a codependent) so far.
I’ve commented recently, because this is our older daughter. I was always the target, albeit unknown to me! Every time I think there is no way she could hurt us more, she is able to up the ante. We are now raising her oldest daughter (13 yes) which has been a long term agenda of hers. Our granddaughter has been with us 9 months-she told me last night that we had saved her life by taking her out of that horrible, abusive, toxic environment. My heart aches for her every time she randomly tells us another thing about how she was treated. I would like to ask this group, if you are so inclined, to pray for us, our family, and especially our GD. Thank you, Dr. C.🙏
I will pray for you. I'm sort of in the same boat. It is my niece and she is emotionally abusive to her daughter. Her daughter is with other carers but the amount of damage that gets down on visits is rough. I really will pray ❤️
@@manbearpig7521 God Bless your heart-and Good Bless that poor child. No one, no matter how intelligent they claim to be, can possibly understand how fundamentally wrong these actions are and how there are so many people affected. I will pray for you also. 🙏🏻😇 Edit: is your greatniece (?) in therapy? I don’t think our GD would have made anywhere near the progress she has made since she came to us. She is a totally different child, but still is working through so many bad memories-worst part is-she THINKS it is somehow HER fault! It’s unbelievable what lengths selfish, narcissistic ppl will inflict on others.
I am so comfortable knowing what narcs think of me is only their opinion. It's dillusion. Thank you Dr. C for this knowledge. Now I can be around them, without being phazed by their I'll mind set. I experience the world from my own perception, experiences and understanding. If I have to become distant from a narc, because she can not pick up on subtle clues, and because she only understands black and white I don't have to feel any guilt. I tried healthy communication before I went that way.
I have to admit, when I meet new people, I've now begun making a case for (or against, when applicable) them being narcissistic. I don't stop to think about comparisons (don't care), but I really pay very close to people's words, actions, an off-handed comments, their jokes, and how their behavior changes (if at all) when other people come around. I don't care about enlightenment, or better-than, and certainly not about admiration, but I really DO care about pathological individuals and keeping them out of my life. So, I keep my own tally sheet...but not about favors, but about concerning comments, behavior, and what I now call narcissistic tells. This really takes time and close observation and, I so very much wish I'd acquired this knowledge 3 decades ago instead of middle age. ...and if you have children, you might want to consider keeping them away from a narcissist, and especially not allowing them to be alone with a narcissist...even if you only suspect they might be a narcissist. Better safe than sorry when it comes to children.
le th This is excellent and I'm pleased that I've been doing exactly what you've mentioned as well, which is extremely important! I don't like to label people; however, I can take notice of their words and behaviours, then the main takeaway is that they're harming me, so I need to stop contact, if possible. Unfortunately, my life has been destroyed and I very nearly lost my life, due to narcissistic, or worse, individuals, including family members, hence why it's vital for me to be vigilant from now on. Mind you, I don't have any empathetic people in my life at present, except for myself, and the incredible people like Dr Carter, who make these excellent videos, not to mention the ones who write very helpful comments. I want to add that I'm aware that I still have unhealthy behaviours to work on, which is totally understandable, given my background. ❤
This video is confirming to thoughts I've had about folks with high narcissistic traits. They have a high penchant for creating a false/negative narrative about their target. Sadly, many of us have multiple people with this behavior in our lives at once. Thank you.
So true, so true. Our narc Neighbor from Hell (NFH) was building a case against us from the moment we moved into our house. He introduced himself as the President of our HOA (nope!); as a professional real estate agent and developer (nope!); offered us his ‘expert’ skills on landscaping our property (no thanks, as he wanted our landscape to match his), etc. We distanced ourselves and went silent, and then the barrage of rage behavior began. The shouting, swearing, loud parties, lights and blaring music pointed toward our house through 2am every other night. Then, the gaslighting, followed by gathering his ‘flying monkeys’ (our neighbors), claiming we were the problem, making his life miserable. We were away from our home for weeks, often months, at a time, yet he believed we were home, making him miserable by calling the police to break up his parties. Note: We have a Smart home, where we can open and close window draperies, blinds, shades wherever we are. We can operate lights, inside and outside, at will, too. We have security cameras that are strategically placed to monitor all entrances, and front and back yard activity for trespassing, while also respecting our neighbors’ right to privacy (no cameras capture their yards). He reported us to the police for vandalism, destruction, and theft of his property items; however, our security cameras caught him trespassing our property as he transported stolen material, and then tossed his broken materials (landscape lights) onto our property. When faced with irrefutable evidence of where we were 800 miles away, NFH tried claiming he got his dates confused. FINALLY, his flying monkeys began questioning his ‘stories’, did some investigating, and realized HE was the problem. Yeah, the absolute terror inflicted by this narc, and the degree of deliberate planning involved, was something we’d never encountered before meeting him. Here’s what flipped his switch: Unbeknownst to me, the narc offered my husband the use of his wheelbarrow one Sunday afternoon for use in transporting some rocks. Knowing that it was an unstable device, my husband thanked him for the offer, politely declined (explaining that a garden wagon was more stable), and continued moving rock at a pace he was comfortable with. The narc took it as a personal affront and began his ‘campaign’ against us two weeks later, yelling at me about my husband’s negative attitude. My husband later explained to me that since NFH had already misrepresented himself to us, he didn’t want to be beholden to the guy for anything because these type of people (whom we later learned are narcs) hold onto you like a hungry dog on a ham bone. So glad he moved a year ago, but we’ll not soon forget his personal blend of torment. Our new neighbors are truly a blessing.
@@juliechurch1799 Although he’s been gone for a year, I still wake up from nightmares of the NFH on our property. Within months of our first exposure to this monster, I took self defense and weapon handling instruction from a retired police officer. I was insulted, sworn at, photographed and filmed in my own back yard by this guy standing on his balcony, and also by his father when he was in town. He watched when I left the house to do a lot of his dirty work, stealing our landscape material, transporting stolen property across our back yard (this stopped with our fence installation). Even before we moved in and met him, he’d spent an entire weekend trenching onto our property, burying drainage pipes, removing dirt to add to his yard, and changing the slope of our land so that he could drain his property onto ours. Our builder tore everything out and regraded/restored our property. He ‘invited’ himself into our home when cabinets, tile, flooring, faucets, security system, etc. was installed, taking photographs of everything and telling the subs that he was our real estate agent, “just checking up on the progress for my clients”. The subs reported him to the builder, who threatened him with charges of trespassing. We didn’t know about the trespass and photography until a few months after we moved in and had some of the finish carpenters in to make a few adjustments. When we met NFH, it didn’t take too long for us to figure out how he’d misrepresented himself, and that he was trying to use us, and our connections, for ‘social climbing’. Why would we introduce a demon to our friends and associates? After one awful backyard verbal assault from NFH, where he actually threatened a defamation of character lawsuit if we uttered one word of his behavior to the other neighbors, NFH suggested that “we work together to become better neighbors to me.” I’m so happy that he moved away; however, there’s something that feels ‘broken’ in me. I can’t bring myself to talk with more than a couple of neighbors. Although the others discovered that NFH was/is the problem (he still drives by the neighborhood, flipping people off), and they shunned us while he lived here, believing we were raining hell down on him, I think they’re now too embarrassed to do much more than wave and smile at us. My advise to you is to very quietly begin to document every instance of your neighbor’s trespass, damage, verbal assault, late-night music, etc. and provide it to your police department. When our NFH had called the police on us, for vandalism and theft that we could not have done, the police officer sat in our home and listened to the litany of torment NFH had inflicted for a year. Yep, no charges filed; however a file was opened by the police department on our NFH, with instructions that if he EVER trespassed, threatened us again, or even made us feel unsafe in our home, to call the police ASAP, as they saw the potential for this spinning way out of control for us. It scares me a bit that I now know how to use a weapon to defend myself, and the exact words, actions, and a lawyer to call before and after I fire the weapon.
The last few minutes of this video was "head on the nail" regarding talking with my narc mother for the first time in 8 YEARS. Her loaded, gas-lighting comment to me came unexpectedly, as I was engaged in a different conversation. I was telling this other person how blessed I am and so grateful for what Yehovah has done in our lives, when my mother said out-of-the-blue "I'm not going to confess to lies just to have a relationship." [I had gone No Contact with her & my enabling father 8 years prior after confronting them with childhood abuse] I held my tongue, because I was attending the Celebration of Life event for my sister's husband-- not the place or time for this. Thank you, Dr. C, for helping me understand what triggered her to say those words she was waiting to say to me. She was jealous I was living a life filled with gratitude! Probably more so because she wasn't a part of it. I think I might be able to put this interaction from last week to rest, and carry on with my blessed life now; you helped me identify the puzzle piece I was struggling with.
A narcs smear campaigns are affective enough to turn your own family against you. It's hard to fathom until you've experienced it.
Opening-eye phrase: "They don´t think with respect to mutuality, they think in terms of comparison..."
Very succinct
The worst part about this is that the Narcissist and the flying monkeys will destroy the relationships you have with people you love dearly. Losing them is crushing.
Behind your back, they say, “I’m really worried about them.” And proceed to trash talk, exaggerate and confabulate about you until everyone around you has false perceptions about you.
Apsaultly my life!!
Ohh my god the same thing happened with me they spread rumors all over about me that i am a characterless person made sure that everyone gossip about me .how can people be so evil to hurt others i just can't believe this
👍👍
Privately, he ignores my health needs. I've heard him exaggerating my illnesses to his daughters and to others. Is this so that they feel sorry for HIM?
@@swirlingbutterfly3031 yeah I just realized MY OWN FUCKIN MOTHER is doing this to me wrf!?!?!?!
Before I ever heard about narcissists I used to call what my husband does as "psychological warfare ". Never tell them anything because they will use it against you as ammunition.
Your vulnerability will be weaponized
I have experienced all that Dr. Carter has explained here , I have been depressed by a particular " friend " whom I recently have discovered has been slandering me in my local neighborhood, and has been telling lies to long lost friends, whom I trusted him to trace on my behalf. ( A foolish move on my own part )
I just feel now that my contacts in the Internet etc have all been infiltrated , and have been monitored by this objectionable character. I've found it necessary recently to contact Google about what has been happening on my Internet. And it's obvious there has been a lot of attack against me by that person . I now have blocked him on my phones and email , but still wonder if I am secure to use Internet Search etc .
😔😔
Thank you so much I didn't know this
Oh my goodness, I wish I would’ve known this a long time ago. Every single intimate secret of my life I shared in trust with my wife then boom every single one has been thrown back in my face in a fit of rage…these videos reassure me that I’m not alone or crazy…
"A relationship with a narcissist is one extended manipulation." That is the most accurate and succinct explanation. Thanks for the videos!
Just like Cancel CULTure?
One never ending argument over dumb shit !!!!
@@jram8555
Spot on!! I’ve learnt (albeit rather late in the day) that I fell into the needs of child with arrested development that resides in an adult man. Still, knowledge is power, it has helped. Plenty of stone-walling since🤐. No more compliance with the narc manipulation. 😘
He has Wisdom; thanks for Valudation.
@@3ittybittypiggiesstorytime547 👍
This is exactly what is happening to me. They sabotage the relationship and blame you.
Mhm.
Ditto
Indeed
And the enabler(Dad's girlfriend) makes excuses for him, He blames me for abusing me. The two of them tank!
My mother has all my life used me, making snide comments about others. I was so trauma bonded to her, protective of her that I took it all on board!
"They constantly invalidate you" Yep.
One of the hardest things is the unfair character assassination. I've kept deep secrets of theirs but my own are public fodder. All we can do is live in such a way to make them the liar. Thank you for your encouraging words Dr. C.
I’ve kept the secrets too, but got beat up with mine and laughed at, even by their flying monkeys. It’s disgusting when you’re struggling and they laugh and chuckle at you.
This is most certainly the most frustrating part. The last time we talked mine said "I hope you aren't telling my business because I certainly haven't told yours." Just lie after lie while I am here being a loyal friend.
Still there. determination resolve & courage also needed ...D R C
Yes! Their lies are made public and spread far and wide but our truth remains hidden in silence. The narcissist is a tricky devil! They train you to keep quiet as they brainwash you and everyone else. We need to talk about them and expose them when necessary and for our own healing.
@@tallguy8937 Oh yes. I’ve lived through that and it’s very hard. They love to kick and laugh at you when you’re down.
Miranda rights as read by the narcissist: "You have the right to remain inferior in my eyes. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of my opinion. You have the right to degradation. If you cannot afford condescension, it will be provided to you at no cost other than your self-esteem."
That's how it would read if they had the chance! Dr. C
Is this your original? I must have a copy and will credit you. Fabulous!
@@loveoneanother881 Thank you for the compliment! There is a third version, though, one that you're more deserving of. It goes like this: "You have the right to remain a decent, good person. Anything you say can and will be used in your defense in a court of moral character. You have the right to retain a a form of emotional and moral support. If you are unable to acquire said support through immediate family or friends, it will therefore be provided to you free of charge (or any other expectations) with the intent of preserving your mental well-being, confidence and self-worth. This support is made possible through the empathy of your local online community. ❤️
"The best defence you can have is a good character."
Detach emotionally from those who believe the smear campaigner and treat you with contempt.
See them for who they are and "hold on to your self respect" as Dr C encourages us.
Yes we must move from those that believe them, because they don’t mean us any good either
@@mittiejohnson1354 absolutely, go low to no contact
my 3 relatives Excluded me from invitations & parties, yet CAME TO MY HOME TO (bulimia) vomit, Purge and sober up& use & ridicule ME: "it was nice knowing you, Cousin Bulimia"!(ugh)
@@carolnahigian9518 wishing you a full recovery and happy life
Yes but some don't know about our dr. C. & they are in the dark & need to be taught shown if we get stronger & have nothing to lose & bring heavenly aid the spirit that gives us dr. C to begin with
It took decades to realize my "friend" was a narcissist. All I can say is be aware of how people treat you. If it doesn't sit right with you, you need to really examine the situation and how toxic they really are and get away.
Too late for me...😔😔
They love to set traps to make you look bad, don't fall into their evil scheme. Keep cool.. be a bystander, be witty to counter the diabolical behaviour of the narcissist.
Traps, set ups, ambush.
It is heartbreaking when it's a family member you love.
I wonder if people who have such psychological problem described by this psychologist watch these videos, and what they can possibly learn or recognize in themselves.
I guess inability to self-reflect would make narcissist at best see "narcissists" in others.
My aunt seems to have this psychological problem and no amount of argumentation with her can change anything in her grumpy and demeaning attitude in the slightest.
Once I asked her what she thinks is most important in life. She answered she would keep that (the answer) to herself.
Also I wonder how lying and then lying more to cover up or justify previous lies is not an obvious alarm calling for change to narcissists.
A narc is a constant thorn in your side.
The world is full of narcissists. Fight them with integrity. Great video!
Indeed they are everywhere 😔
Yes...💖💖🙌
this is really what MUST be understood about narcissists... they believe their false reality (lies) because its a reality that makes them the center of the universe.. and a reality that Deflects the Truth that they actually are not.
You get it. Dr. C
They start building a case the minute they meet someone. Always looking for anything that can be reconstructed as a slight.
OMG yes....she did that the moment a new member entered the family...my mil ...started character assassination from day 1 ...i even told her NOT to compare us
Yes, this is what I believe my ex did. He chose me because I was “broken” at the time, going through some really rough times. It was the perfect time for him to move in and get what he wanted. He would get me to open up to him, but almost everything about him that he told me was a lie, I never really knew who he was. His mother raised two sociopathic narcissists who have both tried to control and manipulate women.
So so true.
This is so true. My ex would only pay attention when I’m talking about my faults. He couldn’t stand to hear about my good days or uplifted moments.
They are DEMON Posessed Leaving that POS was one of the BEST Decisions you Have EVER MADE.
This resonates with me.
@@Maria_9789 I use to think maybe that was the only time he was interested because it made him feel better about his own life. Other than that, when I started to talk about myself I could hear the distracted/frustration in his huffing for me to hurry up and stop talking. After awhile, I just stopped talking about myself which led him to eventually calling me boring. I had felt silenced for so long I too insecure to talk about myself.
@@Calmerthanyouare17 i am noticing this happening to me or has happened. I come form very passive aggressive communication type of family, therefore I don't feel heard. But here with these videos i am noticing things. Thanks for responding. And I send you strength and hope.
Yes it’s true - and most likely he could expertly find the fault in your good days and uplifting moments and not be shy about letting you know they weren’t actually good and uplifting at all !
Thanks for sharing
I’ve had that happen to me. How they build a case:
- by scorekeeping
- misrepresenting the truth
- projecting
- data mining. Then they cherry-pick what they want
My ex did exactly this. Shame they can be so endearing and charismatic as they ruin your life!
Asking how much money you have in savings and 401ks. Lol data mining
OMG!! This is EXACTLY what I went through! I can’t believe I let someone treat me this way. The love bombing literally lasted a few months. I spent 2 1/2 years trying to do whatever I could to get my ex to be the way she was when we first started dating. I started to believe the hurtful things she said and that I was the problem in our relationship. I attempted suicide on my birthday when she told me she wasn’t in love with me and didn’t think she ever had been. On my birthday!! Thank God I wasn’t successful and I finally realized how toxic that relationship was. Don’t be like me. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are enough. If you’re watching these videos you already know deep down you’re not the problem. Start planning your escape NOW.
Blessings to you for enduring and making it through. I've come to realize, sadly, that narcissists often pounce on Birthdays and any other ostensibly joyous, special occasions for those they abuse. They understand the pain they cause you on such days will cut much deeper. Wishing you continued strength!
I can feel you. My ex has been so mean to me on my last birthday. Hurtful, despising me. We ended our 13 year relationship a few months after. It's been 6 months. I finally feel free from his constant manipulation.
@@AvecPoesie thank you. So true about birthdays! That’s something I noticed when I started to come to my senses that every birthday she started an unnecessary argument. It was so weird! She did extravagant things then seemed to ruin my day on purpose. She is truly an evil person.
@@vp5134 congrats! Good for you for realizing you deserve better. When I left I had nothing but my clothes when I moved into my apartment. I was happy to sleep on the floor that first night knowing I didn’t have to deal with her anymore.
I Know. This GOOD doctor is VERY Very accurate!
What's devastating is when your own attorney has seen every awful thing go on amd they still seem to be on the narcissists side, people that are normal and don't cause a bunch of drama are the ones that get dumped on. It's almost like they would rather keep the narcissist happy to shut them up rather than do what's right.
It doesn't help that our twisted & sick society encourages & promotes loud mouth narcissists too I reckon
It’s sad you confide in them with your deepest problems looking for advice, support, and concern, only to find out later all you did was help them build their case and provide them with more ammo.
Yep that is one of the truths that come to sting the most. It like going to the devil and asking him for mercy and understanding. ! We were trusting in a wolf in sheeps clothing. !
My own fucking mom!....I'm completely disillusioned and heartbroken
@@etphonehome4511 mine too. My dad and brother are no better. Probably worse. Sorry you experienced that.
Yes, sharing personal stuff only for it to be thrown in your face in an argument or even in a passing conversation. Word salad as Dr.Ramani says. Things that absolutely hurt to know they never empathized but just held on to your data to later hurt you with it.
I share nothing personal to coworkers, nothing. Anything one says can and will be used against you. Save yourself as it happens often.
The trust, love and now the humility and pain I suffer after realizing my wife of 15 years was a total sham. Her true colors really popped once I caught her cheating.
Highly competitive people seem to disproportionately be narcissists. Anytime I meet people driven by winning, think that person super into Crossfit or the arrogant Exec in a business, I run, not walk, away!
I don't believe it, it can't be true especially if Hillary spouted it- which I recall Hillary lied for a living
@@jennyanderson4796 You mean her being an attorney?
Oh um with really really really low opinion of HRC from documentaries she was quite the villian, but it doesn't sound like we get the same info.
Except the vulnerable narcissist. They do the opposite.
Oh, and the invalidations! Over time I've heard, or not heard, countless instances of invalidation. Often they are not spoken at all, a silent sneer, a furtive look, staring at the wall or the floor in response to my expressing my unique perspective. Their contempt is palpable, it pervades the very air.
@@kerribarclay5976 i understand you but from my experience you are going to see a rage attack against you, take care because narcisist know exactly where to punch you or they will on and on till they do.
Even more hurtful is when that narc is your own mother. Drove me at some point to taking my own life. I just needed to have a real, genuine mother. I hope to have one in heaven when it’s time
Sorry to hear that, one day we all will want no more in the Kingdom of The Most High..God bless you sis
Same thing here. My narcissistic mother repeatedly told me to kill my self and so I kept trying. I’d like to talk to people like you because no one I know understands the pain we have.
Wow I hope you don't kill yourself!!!! Try reading the New Testament just 3 minutes every morning🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 My mother is the same❤️ Stay strong
Yep
my mother is also a narc and i just finished a relathionship with a narc boyfriend,... he was the one who finally made me go search for narcisism help. At least now i understand. Trying to recover but still remember a lot of complicated situations that my mother put me in, she was like vodoo puppeteer me...It's not fair but we have to live with it. I really think the best way to get out of it is to live a meaningful life, discovering what we like to do and go for it. Hope all of us can heal, it's really a burden.
Your best defence is a good character
Once they do something for you they never let it go, especially once you get into a disagreement or don’t bend to their every whim. 🙃
Then punish you for bending. Bottomfeeders is what they are
By leaving out the relevant details.
Disclosing opinions as though mere facts.
Helping others with gaslighting to rush to faster outcomes.
It starts with a child who learned to manipulate its parent(s) who never set or maintained limits. They didn't have to deal with learning that they aren't the center of the world. They continue manipulating into adulthood because that is the only way they learned to cope and because it always worked.
A child gathers data on how to manipulate parents until the parents refuse to be manipulated.
Regretfully, what you say has accuracy. Dr. C
it starts with childhood abuse and shaming. they find power in their darkness and they rot there forever
I was horrified watching the narcissist attempting to build cases against me diabolically, with total sinisterism in recent court situations with her.... gosh, it was ugly! 😈
I pray that you are totally and completely free of this 🙏 person. They have nothing but destructive energy. 🙏🙏🙏
Court is awful with these people. Not only do they make up stuff about you but they will do the same about the kids if you have any with them. I found that the best way to deal with the onslaught in court is to expect it, only focus on the legal stuff the courts care about, and don’t even bother addressing any of it. Judges don’t care, especially if they see that you are not phased by it
@@robinbelliveau1818 Thank you for your comment! I tried to be composed but I couldn't! There are more court dates coming up and I hope I will be able to do what you suggested! Thank you so much!
@@peterknyk1942 I know how infuriating it is! If your judge doesn’t care and ignores the lies, then follow their lead. From my experience, they tend to ignore the drama. So many of us have had to deal with it so know you’re not alone. Make sure you get support elsewhere. You are going to need to vent to someone you can trust implicitly. Just don’t get stuck there!
@@Gef143 same is true when they cheat!
I wonder how people are in prison, falsely accused by a Narcissist Sociopath or Pychopath? To cover up, for their own crimes?
If not literally, MIE MarTine, certainly metaphorically.
It happens a lot. I know 2 that have put me ruff situation. Smear campaign. Threats etc
Many, I'm sure.
@Yeshua E. Godbless you.
@@karenstanislaw8912 In Actuality - Literally! No Metaphors!
OMG. I’ve just spent 30 years with a narcissist without really understanding WTF was going on. Your explanations have made my head explode. I’m so embarrassed that it’s taken this long to finally understand.
I’ve spent 48 and always thought it was emotional abuse. Then I thought it was just me. That I was the narcissist. After much research and reading I’ve discovered I’m not. It’s him. A covert narcissist. Gaslighter.
But of course everyone thinks he’s the calm lovely person. I’m the crazy one.
Don't either of you be embarrassed or feel guilty. You couldn't have known in the beginning and by the time you started catching on you were already entrenched. That's how it works. By the time you realized something was wrong you were struggling just to keep your head above water and that takes all your effort. Chins up, lovelies, and carry on.
@@omarra6781 thank you for your kind words I am still learning and now I know what it’s all about it’s become a challenge to deal with it.
I can and will do it.
@@cathy14cs I have a feeling you will be just fine. You have a name for "it" now and can research it and put the information to good use. And you WANT to succeed. Not sure if you've heard of these people, but for a few years I watched a lot of Richard Grannon, and plenty of Dr. Ramani and Dr. Grande as well. I had a pretty good foundation of info already, but they helped seal the deal and got me over that last hump. Good luck to you! I wish you every success.
@@cathy14cs took me 25 years. brutal
Nothing but an ongoing manipulation. That is the simplest, best description of these relationships.
So very true. I was married to a dentist for 20 years. Believe me when I say he is a textbook case.
If the narcissist is your superior in any way at work: rank, or just been there longer so they know more, then they're in the driver's seat. They can withhold information, give you wrong information, get you flustered or nervous (such as by ridicule or false accusation), complain about you behind your back to management, and if they have enough evil finesse, your performance will never be what it could have been.
Take 1 part lack of empathy, 2 parts of i’me ALLWAYS right, 3 parts of i’me in charge and don’t you forget it, 4 parts of manipulation of those who will listen mix all together and then add as many other negative ingredients that you can dream up give a slice to all you think will eat and even ask for more!
Building a case against you is the only way they can accept you leaving them too. Its also why you cant keep any friends close to them, they will have that story in thier head conflicting with your relationship with them. Its mass abandonment when you finally go because it's becomes a fight with everyone for who you really are and what really happened. It's awful. When I tell people my ex is dangerous, they don't get it. It can ruin you life to get wrapped up a relationship with one. Literally.
yep all kinds of people thought he was the victim, even though I've been trying to get away (nor for years) from a man who smashed my bones in and went to prison for it, and helped him stalk me! all educated, "nice" people
That’s exactly what happened. I was destroyed emotionally and not one person that was in our group of friends called to ask if I was ok. They all thought he was the victim. It’s so unfair. So unjust. I’m still devastated
@@michellek2946 i just decided they were all morons and likely to beat their wives...it's a bitter truth but most people aren't really that good and they have been manipulated by those people to feel like they are justified. so we can only build our own lives.
I agree. I needed to hear this. Thank you. 💖💖
Yes. Im in this boat right fucking now. Unreal....😔💖
Yes, it's true that the best and only thing you can do, is show good character. Narcissists do their best to destroy your reputation in order to keep you on the downside and elevate themselves. But in the end, it's best to keep your integrity and know who you are despite the lies they spread.
It's really devastating I'm not sure if I'll be okay I feel devastated
@@exlesoesYes. I have felt devastated for over a year. It has slowly gotten better for me, but the healing for me is a very slow process.
After meeting a few Narcissistic people, your trust and safety is shot. Now I can’t help but wonder if someone is gathering data to use against me later.
Be careful and don't reveal yourself with new people. That's my takeaway. Wait and let them reveal themselves. Trust your instincts too.
I feel the same. From being a total extrovert and being repeatedly burned by narcs I now live a hermit life - and to be honest in many ways I prefer it. Humans are too creepy for me now
Most often sentences I have used in a relationship with a narc. " "No I am not!", "No I haven´t!", "No, that is not true!"...."Please, stop it!".... :(
EXACTLY 💯
Same. “That’s not true” would send him into a rage. If I interjected one of his 3 hours rants it would send him over the edge and I would be accused of being problematic. I had trouble letting him make up things so I know I made things worse when I tried to tell him what he was saying wasn’t true.
@@Calmerthanyouare17 Exactly! I was lucky, because I had a long-distance-relationship and we chatted mostly. So could show him evidence: his own messages. He became extremely suspicious and started to watch, what he is writing. Did you also had a behavior from your partner, that he was telling you what YOU want, need, dream of, but you have never mentioned that? Mine said, he knows, because he is studying me!
@@danieladeutsch1708 my ex would always make me feel like I needed to different or better than I am. He was not content with me being ordinary and called me boring and dead weight. He always made me feel like I was never doing enough with myself or the relationship no matter what I did. So, yes he would tell me what I needed to be doing and how I should be.
I do find that saying "Whatever!" helps. He doesn't know what to say next. LOL. Tried laughing at him but that doesn't work.
Ah, the tally sheet... But it's not just how many nice things they have done for you, it can be how many bad things you have (allegedly) done to them!
Once a narcissist has been identified the goal is to get them out of your life as fast as possible.
Dealing with this now. My mother told me not to come visit and said she wasn't going to have a funeral for my father. Now my uncles are calling me and telling me she has been crying to them that she doesn't know if I'm going to come or not.
I just can't win.
Have you thought about recording conversations? A good digital voice recorder is about $50.
@@AmyMichelleMosier solved this time by telling everyone I would go and then she couldn't back out since she told all of them I should be there.
I will keep your idea in mind going forward, thanks.
There are so many layers to this insidiousness! Their manipulative tactics will seep up through the cracks before you even realize what just happened! I'm looking back on the last decade of my life in total disgust. I ALLOWED this person (I really want to call him something else), to manipulate the day lights out of me. I have even noticed that I have anger issues now. I am very aware of my own behaviors. I observe myself and how I behave/respond/react and I just cannot understand how someone can't even look at their own reflection. They can't own shit. They want you to be the container for their bullshit. Im seriously scratching my head as to how people can be this way. And its like they are programmers or "seeders" of every bad emotion or behavior there is. You'll see that if you have children with them. Before you know it, your looking for the pieces of your soul and trying to figure out what the hell you're going to do now.
Chrissy Lou Who?, I scratch my head at these types also. You're right that they are programmers. Where I worked, there was a married couple as co-workers. They were very calculating in instigating divisions between people. They seemed to relish the idea that a fight might break out (that they caused behind the scenes) Sometimes among new hires who were young, their tactics would work. Then you could see them turn all gleeful while they were enjoying the show! Those of us who witnessed it over and over, thought that they really didn't have much of a home life together if this is what they needed to feel powerful and have something to gossip about at the dinner table. It was awful! Two of us older employees started to warn new hires, and it seemed to shut them down a bit over time, as the message ran "through the grapevine" of employees. Soon, no one trusted them. I hope you'll be feeling better soon. Dr. Carter is a fantastic resource in learning to understand these types of people.
They are like hackers of the mind and soul, you will need Gods help and knowledge from this channel to process and overcome it. Just be careful not to punish innocent ppl with the anger issues..
@Chrissy Lou Who? Yes, that is exactly it in a nutshell: "They can't own shit. They want you to be the container for their bullshit."
I agree with you TOTALLY…Spending soo much time trying to heal the damage..
Ppl get ptsd after narcisstic, bcs it is so stressful, others even get Fatique, that's an total burn out ‼️Nature are healing, be where there are trees and grass, it can do a lot‼️👍
Yeah. He used my addiction issues against me to cover up the fact that he has more addiction issues. He purposely baited me and degraded me by making comments about my struggles in front of his friends.
I said to one covert narcissist in a very kind voice. : 'I understand you can't understand things from other people's perspectives'. After the normal paranoid venom- attack, which I didn't interrupt, I then proceeded to let him know that
- he believed I had placed a layer of interpretation on his actions.
- And he had placed a layer of interpretation on my actions and that we would never agree.
HE wanted to go no contact, to which I agreed with alacrity!! Hadn't gone far in that friendship before my eyes were opened.
Did you have to explain alacrity to him, or did you just illustrate it?!!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 😂. Just illustrated it!!
It is interesting that narcissists build a case against you behind your back, because you always wish people knew what the narcissist was really like behind everyone's back. The covert narcissist is completely charming to others, but will talk about all the people they convinced of their charm behind those people's backs as soon as those people are out of the room. Yet, you look bad trying to convince others of what the narcissist is really like in private, so you never can say anything. The Snuffleupagusness is astounding when dealing with the covert narcissist.
Dr. Les is 100% correct about their little database. My stupidity for opening up to one conniving narcissist. It's unfortunate I had to do my own documentation on this person. My difference is my truth versus their lies. Always on my guard. Stay away and they will never have anything on you!
@@cassiebrown9786 Not stupidity. Not your fault. They are EXTREMELY good at manipulating people and at hiding their true selves initially. It can happen to anyone. They don't start out the way they end. It's easy to be fooled the same way everyone is fooled by them. For the same reason I look bad saying what abusive things he did, I get the "Oh, well, maybe he's changed." or "That's hard to believe. He was so charming at the party, so funny.", is why you fell for them. I wanted to tell this woman who said exactly that to me, "Well, of course he's charming and funny. He wouldn't get more prey if he weren't charming and funny initially. That is NOT how people with NPD end." They start out funny and smiling, showing up every day, walking you home, seeming to care, but they end up with a cold, dead look in their eyes and can't be bothered to take a photo with you on your birthday. Then, they literally shut a door in your face as if you don't exist anymore until you get a shiny, new feeling again in their mind years later and they show up as if nothing ever happened. Psychotic.
@@dcg31free I decided not to expose a Narc in front of their flying monkeys, I knew it would look bad for me. It was Mr Charming around everyone so if I spoke up against it the blame would be directed towards me. I went no contact, avoided the flying monkeys and smiled and said 'no comment'. Showing that you're happy and living your best life without them is what makes them try to destroy your character. They end up looking nasty and vindictive, stupid and peeps see the real them. The fake them disappears, they self destruct. They can't get revenge on silence. Love life again it's the best revenge.
Lori Natarius That's exactly right and I've noticed that highly narcissistic individuals tend to take their masks off, so to speak, earlier with me, hence why I feel even MORE less than!
I mean they get angry with me, or are rude, or criticise other people to me, yet it seems like they treat others much better and are VERY popular too.
I totally understand why people have trouble acknowledging that all is not as it seems though, then blame their behaviour on their difficult job, or other issues, which can be the case, especially with stressful jobs involving abuse.
Mind you, I feel like saying that I'm not their punching bag, or it's not okay to take it out on me, no matter what! Another point is that I've experienced extreme trauma throughout my life and, going by that logic, it means that I can take it out on everyone else. I'm certainly not going to that though.
I'm learning that it's best not to say anything to anyone and I've ended up being validated more than once, even though it can take a long time before it happens.
I'm staying away from and stopping contact with a lot of people, including family members, as well, but it seems like I don't have one single empathetic friend who cares, except myself, in my life now!
I've been disappointed so many times when I've met people who've turned out to be narcissistic, rather than empathetic. However, I do understand that most of it is caused by childhood trauma and I've had huge issues in that area, so I'm far from perfect.
Hopefully, I'll be able to meet new ones eventually and these extremely helpful videos and comments are keeping me going in the meantime. ❤
@@dcg31free True and that’s why I never tried. The flying monkeys are narcissistic themselves and are invested in the false reality. It’s a frustration that I put behind me as I left the “relationships” I had with so many of them. They don’t want to know what’s true and what isn’t. They think it’s too much work. They bore me now.
Excellent. One of the ways that a narcissist positions themselves as the "better" person is through religion, portraying themselves as the more righteous and religious person. Even though they are, in fact, hypocritical in practice, and know little about religion, they take shelter in hardline puritanical outward appearances so they look beyond reproach to outsiders. Decency and goodness, which religion actually teaches, is totally out of the equation.
Soooooo right ....infuriating
I believe all narcissists go to hell. They make their victims lives hell on earth so it's only fair that they spend eternity burning 🥵
Also out of the question is the Bible description of Love in I Cor 13. I also realized at age 67 that my "Christian" covert N mother did not have the true Bible description of the "fruit of the Spirit".
_"Try to keep you confused about who you are."_ *EXACTLY!* Calling you evil. Yu as a moral person who takes accountability start to question who you know yourself to be.
Think in terms of 'comparison' and you become subordinate and undermined!
I’ve heard that before: “You don’t really know what she’s like; I know who you really are.” We could never resolve conflict well.
👍💯They always live in conflicts
I know such narcissists and the suffering they cause over tens of years, that it takes us to be able to appreciate Dr. Les Carter's observations, wow! A younger person needs a quicker rule of thumb to save time. So listen carefully to what Dr. Les says and when you find these people, just avoid their shadow (dark side).
My ex,a nsrc told any & everybody who woukd listen that I was crazy! He went as fsr asvto make stuff up!
My nar-sister would say, "Everybody knows you," as if I had some character glitch when in reality SHE was the flawed one. SMH
@@kamicrum4408 They do stuff like that‼️Evil do evil‼️Leave them alone, never go back, they get worse and some kill their partner ‼️
The more you defend yourself, the less they will believe you!
It's actually sad how someone who actually never did anything wrong gets pulled into bullshit and lies and drama uggh.
Absolutely. And/or is the only one who has done the internal work - recovery, therapy, spirituality etc. just stay away from their toxic BS
@@MJ-qb5ph thanks kind soul. 🌸 True.
20 + C + B + M + 21
@@apekshajairajpillai Melanie Tonia Evans calls it spiritual warfare. I think she is right
Man you are so right! They hold info beyond 20 years and throw it in your face. Couldn't remember that far back lol
yes their recall is amazing. my narc's discard speech was so specific. he said (paraphrasing) you have been always angry because 22 years ago that thing happened that made you angry. Huh? I was so caught up in the specific reference to "22 years ago" that I didn't quite catch the rest of his speech.
I have left what I truly believe now is an authoritarian, covert narcissist husband. I believe if not for your channel I would have stayed in a completely broken down state. Thank you for providing this information to help find healing!!
Dr Judy Rosenberg have good videos about Narcissism and Narcissistic mothers, Narc Survivor is a channel to learn from, too‼️
Today's the 4 year anniversary that a covert narcissist completely ignored that a friend of mine died as a result of the healthcare system in her country misinterpreting her rare condition. That was an eye-opener! I quickly let it go but I didn't forget. Almost 2 years later, the covert narcissist attempted to gaslight me about that rare condition. Fortunately, I love truth, reality and myself far more than any narcissist or their flying monkeys. I burned bridges with both which was definitely worth doing. If they think/say anything about me, that's frankly none of my business. There's no space in my head, heart or day for that. The only reason I gave that any thought whatsoever was I watched this video. Life goes on with dignity, respect and civility. As the script from "Fiddler on the Roof" said, "Rabbi, Is there a blessing for the Czar?" and the rabbi's response was, "May the Lord God bless and keep the Czar far away from us!"
I've been criticized for not maintaining connections with people... You hurt me once bad on me you hurt me twice okay what's up I don't give you a third time you're done you're history I don't talk to you again I don't bother with you again as far as I'm concerned if someone's going to be a narcissist they don't exist I burn Bridges not only do I burn the bridges but I make sure that they can't be rebuilt.
@@moebanshee healthy boundaries are key.
@@TheAngelaoddone the ex husband did not think it applied to him.
@@kellyleighread807 "ex" = boundary. What he thinks doesn't matter. What matters is what you think.
@@TheAngelaoddone yeah the ex husband walked around nude each day I told 5he ex husband that it's disrespectful to our children. He told me it was his house and he could do what he want he cared nothing of us.
I don't need other people's validation. I am my own validation!
I found it to be extremely painful when some of my loved ones believed the smears made by the narcissist in my life. I couldn’t understand how those who had never seen the behaviour attributed to me, could so easily fall for such blatant lies. I came to the conclusion that the only solution is to stay away from them as much as is possible, and not engage. As for the narcissist, no contact gives me the greater peace of mind ☮️
"Ongoing manipulation" so exhausting! Thank you Dr. Carter for helping those of us who are in these relationships. At least I know what I am dealing with now. First I must stop discarding and devaluing myself...
This has happened to me in the workplace. I became very ill (PTSD) as a result. Workplace has agreed to reasonable adjustments, but I don't trust them at all and am VERY on my guard.
When you’re finally hip to their games and you’re standing there knowing full well they’re in the middle of a Manipulation of you it’s Totally surreal. You’re staring down the beast realizing that this person isn’t who you thought they were and you just can’t wait to remove yourself from the situation. It’s bitter sweet too because on 1 hand you’ve grown as a person and it’s something to be proud of and on the other hand you could never see this person same way you used to or let your guard down around them unless some reconciliation is made by their effort.
But you simultaneously realize they're not really prone to self-conscious apologies or shame. And they don't look comfortable thanking people either, it tends to be a weak attempt.
Yeah it's my mom....who I confided in....not knowing her I was handing her a loaded gun
Exactly
There is no reconciliation with them. Never let your guard down even if they seem like they are trying to reconcile. It's a trap!
This is so sick that someone would do this to someone their supposed to love !!! It’s disgusting!!
Yes. And they act as thou they have done NOTHING🤮 and in reality they are the crazy one.
But after learning about narcissism for about a year, I recognize most of the tricks, do not get baited, talked in circles or gaslighted. The arrogance of the narcissist still annoys me and I notice his ongoing need for creating chaos and confusion clearly now.
Everything is not a competition. It is very difficult with parents who are narcissistic. They think if you set a boundary or consequences for their actions, they isolate. You have to have resolve to end the supply to the narcissist.
I never dared set a boundary with mine. I just walked the tightrope, especially after they divorced. Wish I had been stronger and let it all end decades ago, instead of prolonging the agony, only to have it end anyway.
@@tallguy8937 I had two narcissistic parents and stayed with them for around 59 years. I wish I’d left home at 14. They hook you with some little (positive) things and you don’t realize the huge negative impact they’re really having on you until much later in life. At least that’s how it was for me. I guess them telling me to kill my self should have clued me in but all of them had made me so sick that I didn’t know up from down. Sorry for rambling..
@@kerribarclay5976 Agree wholeheartedly. I am dealing with a very jealous narcissist who is upset that my career path differed. They view you as inferior and you literally have to cut off supply because everything is about manipulation. They think you need to associate with the people they associate with. You have to set boundaries and if you feel uncomfortable being around them, then you must isolate physically from them. You can communicate in other ways, face time.
I’m so glad that I watched this video tonight. I felt like you knew what is going on with me. My Narcissistic husband is never and I mean NEVER , ever been wrong or sorry . The daily ongoing verbal abuse and stressed caused by it, has honestly hit my health like a cannon ball. I washed my hair today and 2- clumps of hair just fell out. And for basically 2 months now I cannot eat, it makes me so sick! Which is just as well since most of the time there’s no food in the fridge. He tries to make believe we’re poor, but we aren’t! We don’t need carpet in our house, because we have eggshells on the floors. All I have to do is say the wrong thing or ask question about him and the verbal abuse starts. And he gets, mean. And like you mentioned Dr. Carter, he keeps any and all things I’ve told him and uses them as weapons against me. And since I quit my job to take care of the kids, all the money is his. I buy groceries, big mistake. One of the worst things he throws at me is bringing up my Mother, my best friend who I lost 4 years ago, I still miss her everyday. He then starts calling her a bitch. He then says one of the meanest, cruelest things he says is, because you and your mother were mean and bitches, that that’s why my father (the best ever), had a drinking problem. There’s so much more, but I’ve said more than I should have. With a narcissist, it’s always your (me) fault. This house is in no way a home. If anyone reads this then thank you. Please don’t post mean comments, I already get more than I can handle
Absolutely💯
You are not alone. I heard you when I read your message & swear I was reading my own story. Sending you blessings & thanking you for your honest outpouring. May your darkness pass and you find that part of yourself again...in freedom✨♥️✨
❤️😢❤️
How I wish you could just ditch him without noticing him ! An escape route through the window .... there must be a way , if you could dream one up & make your dream a reality we'd all support you 100% & be glad to hear of how it went down ! If there be any life in you yet, he's so not deserving .... all your energies save to find a new dwelling ! Good luck & a prayer 🙏
That business with sharing your personal info and having the narc wield it against you for years and years is just so classic. They will remind you of those traumas just to keep you trauma bound and shackled, keeping you in the state of loser. They loathe you having good relationships and insist whatever you are into is lame and so are you. Toxic individuals with tons of entities attachments. You are awesome and so are your children, they love you. ✝️
My exes smear campaign began 2 weeks after the beginning of the relationship which lasted 20 years-so 20 years of gathering fake info against me and persuading everyone I knew that I was a terrible person
Same here! You cannot defend yourself either. They will not believe you. I saved my breathe.
@@harleyanne3720 I did too! not worth wasting the energy on. I have gone "no contact" with everyone who believed the lies. Obviously they weren't "my tribe"!
@@catherinewholey3630 Absolutely not my tribe. !
Yep mine had his family friends exes & all associations & all my family and friends & associations convinced I was bad so I was isolated being abused 24.7 with no help
Everyone turned on me.
@@katalynbabe Glad you are out. They are sick people.
It is important to pay attention to how we give our time, energy and resources. When around the damaged souls, it is natural to engage and defend ourselves, but it is a waste of our time and energy and is a drain on our soul. Over the years, accepting this reality has given me a space/barrier that feels like I am wearing an invisible coat of peace in their restless presence. I am empowered with choice and it is beautiful.
beautiful comment
My older sister us a narcissist. My mother enabled her behavior all our lives and suffered mightily by being bullied and manipulated. After our mother passed (long after) I tried very hard to keep a relationship with my sister despite the horrific verbal and emotional and physical abuse I endured from her growing up. Finally, I had enough and told her I would no longer tolerate her disrespect. If she was unwilling to treat me with the respect I deserve, then there is nothing to talk about. Since then she hasn't spoken to me, and has been working to destroy my relationships with remaining family members. I feel I have no recourse. No one to speak on my behalf. I refuse to "defend " myself and simply distance myself from family otherwise the situation is too too painful to carry every day. These people are in it for the long game. My sister is cunning. And I refuse to acknowledge her efforts by trying to "right" things. I have no hope of being able to enjoy time with what little family I have left. Narcissists are dangerousand, in my mind, evil people who take immense pleasure in exacting revenge. I tend to think it's more than a "disorder" and believe some day it will be classified as a true mental illness.
Thanks Dr. C. Hello to Gus in the corner there!
Woof!
My favorite was how they messed up every holiday, every year!
Dr. Carter, today has been major breakthrough for me after years of searching for answers and to be set free. I have been pursuing my freedom to be me for years. The information required to change takes time and persistence. These videos have been instrumental to me going deeper to resolve inner conflicts I have had from past experiences. Today I received the insight that the first experience I had as a young child was infact Narrastic and it was at this point I started carrying their twisted inverted thinking onto me. Everything makes sense now. Almost every relationship since then was Narrastic. In fact whats happening in many parts of the world, communication is Narrastic. What a revelation!! At 58 I am beginning to step out and to become the real me and accepting and coming out of agreement with these thoughts I have been using as self defeating. OMG what day it is today!! I hope this encourages someone to keep going and see how you can be set free. Thanks Dr. Carter for your benevolence and being strong and gentle at the same time. We need your voice of truth. Thank you so much❤❤❤
So very pleased, Yvonne! Dr. C
Congratulations 🎊. I'm older too doing the same. We got this❤
Yes, "strong and gentle" about Dr. C, and always with actionable steps, so we don't feel helpless.
My first experience as a very young child was with a very narcissistic person too and it shaped me into a narcissist magnet until I was about 59. It was with my mother and actually my father as well. I didn’t know who I was aside from the horrible, “mental patient “ that my family and others taught me I was. Now I know the real me who’s nothing like that! Thank goodness for the people online and here on YT such as Dr. Carter who devote their time and energy for free to help us who would otherwise be lost or even dead because of the narcissists.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I agree with Yvonne. "Strong and gentle." That's exactly how you come across.
A case of you for the “ just in case” people who are afraid of their criminal behavior
I don't know how else I would've gotten through the excruciating pain & confusion from my recent narcissistic relationship & discard, if not for you, Dr. C! Thank you!!!
You're why I do the videos! Dr. C
It’s sad when mutual friends find out you broke up and don’t call to see how you are or what happened. I miss the good times but won’t ever mix them with controlling times.
I FEEL what you're about to speak on, this is exactly correct. They're always gathering evidence in case you start thinking for yourself. They love to go for "they were/are doing drugs" and then paint whatever you were doing as crazy and hateful and blame it on drugs. Then, if you ever came back to them, they would tell everyone they were helping you get better, you're getting "clean".
Or they bait you over and over until you finally respond, then they step back down, tell you you're being too sensitive, and tell others you have anger problems or emotional problems, mental problems. Horribly manipulative from people who claim to love you. People that love you don't treat you like that.
@@MsYogiCat This is my experience exactly.. thank you
@@MsYogiCat exactly 💯😫
Even though they are/have been the drug abuser, not you.
@@grammamarth6681 oh yeah that's a common tactic - deny accuse reverse victim offender, darvo
I experienced evrey bit of whats said here..sad but true. Much healing needed after these toxic people discard us, being left in their dust as too inferior to be with. They seek out good people to slowly terrorize emotionally under the desguise of love. TY Dr. C. for helping us unravel the narcs patterns and move forward.
My x Narc framed me and lied in court about why I lost everything 9 years. I am slowly building my life again but still not fully at peace as I have not forgotten and the lies still hurt today as nothing can be done to change what he did as it went through court and signed so despite clearing my name I still live under his shadow of lies and decent of impact into my future. It was brutal as I left with children due to uncontrol violence and abuse. I still pray one day this be all over
Hi, Ivy-- Family court can really be maddening! The court can be really slow to see what is going on. I know how it hurts, and it is hard not to ruminate on the injustices over and over again. Hang in there, it gets better, especially if you can spend some time with emotionally healthy friends to "deprogram" from the poison!
Stay strong and focused. It will be over in time and you’ll have survived something many others could not. Your whole mindset has grown because of this and you’ll be sure to trust self far better before trusting in others.
Awesome video! Once you’ve been “gaslighted” by a narcissist, you never forget it. Hi to Gus!
Thank you so much Dr. Carter. My soon to be ex-wife is a cemented covert narcissist, and a self avowed “data collector”. She has said that with glee as she has been surrounded by people who affirm that in her as a “gifted” way of learning or at the very least, unique. It has been a hellish 11 years for me though as my deepest fears, vulnerabilities and failures have been recorded in her mind devoid of empathy but complete with an agenda- exactly as you said; to showcase the worst in me and compel her audience to see her self designated victim status as justified. It seems she will always inject somewhere in the description of me some fake humanitarian effort in collecting that data, such as “I really did try and understand him and his condition, but he really has some deep -seeded dysfunctions that I can’t help him with, not sure anyone can”. It has gaslighted me into a horrible place that I’m coming out of where I have to defend fictitious assumptions about me before I can even state the truth about her. It has wrecked a marriage that I am beginning to understand was never real in the first place.
Sorry for the novel, but thank you so much for giving validation to my mind that the true dysfunction is across from me, not within me. I take your videos as a tool to heal from within so I can address my misgivings and mistakes with compassion and empathy towards myself, not data that’s used as supply by a covert to justify martial crimes that she has gotten away with.
Thanks again.
They always keep at least one scapegoat on hand. Sorry, hoping for healing for you.
I am sorry for your current discomfort. But I am several months into living by myself after ending my 10 year relationship in June. In short time, you will be breathing in fresh air.... and enjoying the peace that comes from no longer having to defend or explain yourself in exhausting conversations that never lead to resolution. I wish you the best on your healing path...:)
My gracious you have described my relationship to a T. The confusion coming out of such a relationship is debilitating at times.
My ex would always refer back to his journals where he had written everything. It was always “ you can see in my journals where you have done …”
@@Calmerthanyouare17 OMG an actual journal??!! My daughter & I say her dad keeps a little "Book of Injustices" because he brings up mess from the 1970s to complain about.
It is so frustrating since you cannot do or change anything. One can only move away and make no contact. But these people are everywhere. Hopefully one day all people know about this topic and nobody accepts these people anymore
"..They would gaslight the daylight out of you" 🥺 So true!
it’s heart breaking what they do to you
Took me awhile, but once you get past the confusion and the pain, peace will be found. Knowledge is power and not reacting with emotion to manipulation is key for me. Thank you Dr. C………not to say getting to this point is easy, but you will get there. Believe in your own decency….
I was able to find a local therapist but I still get so much out of these videos. Sometimes a struggle to stay on Team Healthy (at the holidays especially) but it's a good place to be. Thank you! Blessings
Know how it is and are rooting for you !!
Dr Judy Rosenberg have good videos about Narcissism and Narcissistic mothers, Narc Survivor is a channel wt good videos and he help ppl who has suffered from Narcissistic abuse ‼️💎
This is especially hard when they are older siblings. They start keeping a tally from when you were just a child.
Oh I was just in the court 🙄 with my jealous younger brother the otherday on Thanksgiving an open attack where he brought up everything from childhood n beyond & once he got 0 emotions or reactions from any of it he threatened to throw me down the stairs.
Complete sidewinder
By court I mean the court of delusional where he was the judge lawyer & jury lol
He accused me of cheating they entire marriage. Called me every single disgusting names you can think of. Trash me to people he know I don't communicate with. Call me broke and lazy, while doing everything he can to sabotage my wfh job. He's constantly being loud and argumentative, while I am working. He pay for investigation companies to track me online. And he used me for a green card and constantly try to accused me of usinv him. Everything I have told him have been used against me
I sincerely hope you have left this person and now are enjoying respect and happines
The odd thing is as a victim of a narcissist - I too have been keeping a log and verbal abusive recordings, nasty text messages and a log mainly to keep my sanity. And I too have been explaining to my close family and friends that the person they see is not the person I live with. 😕
I have lived for more years with my narcissist than without…married way too young. And now that I finally left, I am sad snd shocked to find narc behaviors in myself! I need to get healthy quick, healing my thinking, having more integrity in my behavior and being genuinely a better role model for my kids. They deserve that…I am so sad that I had been raising them in dysfunction (as a codependent) so far.
I have too. It goes on for pages.
It’s survival mode. Just remember that you can change. Just focus on being the best you
I’ve commented recently, because this is our older daughter. I was always the target, albeit unknown to me! Every time I think there is no way she could hurt us more, she is able to up the ante. We are now raising her oldest daughter (13 yes) which has been a long term agenda of hers. Our granddaughter has been with us 9 months-she told me last night that we had saved her life by taking her out of that horrible, abusive, toxic environment. My heart aches for her every time she randomly tells us another thing about how she was treated. I would like to ask this group, if you are so inclined, to pray for us, our family, and especially our GD. Thank you, Dr. C.🙏
Prayers for you and your family...keep the faith that your granddaughter will overcome the early-life trauma
Hugs and prayer
I will pray for you. I'm sort of in the same boat. It is my niece and she is emotionally abusive to her daughter. Her daughter is with other carers but the amount of damage that gets down on visits is rough. I really will pray ❤️
@@manbearpig7521 God Bless your heart-and Good Bless that poor child. No one, no matter how intelligent they claim to be, can possibly understand how fundamentally wrong these actions are and how there are so many people affected. I will pray for you also. 🙏🏻😇
Edit: is your greatniece (?) in therapy? I don’t think our GD would have made anywhere near the progress she has made since she came to us. She is a totally different child, but still is working through so many bad memories-worst part is-she THINKS it is somehow HER fault! It’s unbelievable what lengths selfish, narcissistic ppl will inflict on others.
@@southernborn1358 no, we are working on it. Thank you 😊 I will pray for both of them tonight 💕
I am so comfortable knowing what narcs think of me is only their opinion. It's dillusion. Thank you Dr. C for this knowledge. Now I can be around them, without being phazed by their I'll mind set. I experience the world from my own perception, experiences and understanding. If I have to become distant from a narc, because she can not pick up on subtle clues, and because she only understands black and white I don't have to feel any guilt. I tried healthy communication before I went that way.
Yep this is my daughter for sure! Praying she changes. So do they ever change?
I have to admit, when I meet new people, I've now begun making a case for (or against, when applicable) them being narcissistic. I don't stop to think about comparisons (don't care), but I really pay very close to people's words, actions, an off-handed comments, their jokes, and how their behavior changes (if at all) when other people come around.
I don't care about enlightenment, or better-than, and certainly not about admiration, but I really DO care about pathological individuals and keeping them out of my life.
So, I keep my own tally sheet...but not about favors, but about concerning comments, behavior, and what I now call narcissistic tells. This really takes time and close observation and, I so very much wish I'd acquired this knowledge 3 decades ago instead of middle age.
...and if you have children, you might want to consider keeping them away from a narcissist, and especially not allowing them to be alone with a narcissist...even if you only suspect they might be a narcissist. Better safe than sorry when it comes to children.
le th This is excellent and I'm pleased that I've been doing exactly what you've mentioned as well, which is extremely important! I don't like to label people; however, I can take notice of their words and behaviours, then the main takeaway is that they're harming me, so I need to stop contact, if possible.
Unfortunately, my life has been destroyed and I very nearly lost my life, due to narcissistic, or worse, individuals, including family members, hence why it's vital for me to be vigilant from now on.
Mind you, I don't have any empathetic people in my life at present, except for myself, and the incredible people like Dr Carter, who make these excellent videos, not to mention the ones who write very helpful comments.
I want to add that I'm aware that I still have unhealthy behaviours to work on, which is totally understandable, given my background. ❤
@@cyndigooch1162 Ditto.🤗
@@cyndigooch1162 I wish you well along your path to healing. It's a process, that's for sure.
It all comes out in the laundry..patience is a virtue..PEACE
I did it! It took a long time to get out and move on from that fraud. I am now in a loving, conflict free relationship. It's like getting out of jail😁
Best wishes! Dr. C
Stand on your own as a “person of peace”… I’ll take that advice. Thanks.
This video is confirming to thoughts I've had about folks with high narcissistic traits. They have a high penchant for creating a false/negative narrative about their target. Sadly, many of us have multiple people with this behavior in our lives at once. Thank you.
Thank you Dr. Carter for your healing words and to Gus for being Gus
So true, so true. Our narc Neighbor from Hell (NFH) was building a case against us from the moment we moved into our house. He introduced himself as the President of our HOA (nope!); as a professional real estate agent and developer (nope!); offered us his ‘expert’ skills on landscaping our property (no thanks, as he wanted our landscape to match his), etc. We distanced ourselves and went silent, and then the barrage of rage behavior began. The shouting, swearing, loud parties, lights and blaring music pointed toward our house through 2am every other night. Then, the gaslighting, followed by gathering his ‘flying monkeys’ (our neighbors), claiming we were the problem, making his life miserable. We were away from our home for weeks, often months, at a time, yet he believed we were home, making him miserable by calling the police to break up his parties. Note: We have a Smart home, where we can open and close window draperies, blinds, shades wherever we are. We can operate lights, inside and outside, at will, too. We have security cameras that are strategically placed to monitor all entrances, and front and back yard activity for trespassing, while also respecting our neighbors’ right to privacy (no cameras capture their yards). He reported us to the police for vandalism, destruction, and theft of his property items; however, our security cameras caught him trespassing our property as he transported stolen material, and then tossed his broken materials (landscape lights) onto our property. When faced with irrefutable evidence of where we were 800 miles away, NFH tried claiming he got his dates confused. FINALLY, his flying monkeys began questioning his ‘stories’, did some investigating, and realized HE was the problem. Yeah, the absolute terror inflicted by this narc, and the degree of deliberate planning involved, was something we’d never encountered before meeting him. Here’s what flipped his switch: Unbeknownst to me, the narc offered my husband the use of his wheelbarrow one Sunday afternoon for use in transporting some rocks. Knowing that it was an unstable device, my husband thanked him for the offer, politely declined (explaining that a garden wagon was more stable), and continued moving rock at a pace he was comfortable with. The narc took it as a personal affront and began his ‘campaign’ against us two weeks later, yelling at me about my husband’s negative attitude. My husband later explained to me that since NFH had already misrepresented himself to us, he didn’t want to be beholden to the guy for anything because these type of people (whom we later learned are narcs) hold onto you like a hungry dog on a ham bone. So glad he moved a year ago, but we’ll not soon forget his personal blend of torment. Our new neighbors are truly a blessing.
P Robinson. Situation I'm in now . Its hell
@@juliechurch1799 Although he’s been gone for a year, I still wake up from nightmares of the NFH on our property. Within months of our first exposure to this monster, I took self defense and weapon handling instruction from a retired police officer. I was insulted, sworn at, photographed and filmed in my own back yard by this guy standing on his balcony, and also by his father when he was in town. He watched when I left the house to do a lot of his dirty work, stealing our landscape material, transporting stolen property across our back yard (this stopped with our fence installation). Even before we moved in and met him, he’d spent an entire weekend trenching onto our property, burying drainage pipes, removing dirt to add to his yard, and changing the slope of our land so that he could drain his property onto ours. Our builder tore everything out and regraded/restored our property. He ‘invited’ himself into our home when cabinets, tile, flooring, faucets, security system, etc. was installed, taking photographs of everything and telling the subs that he was our real estate agent, “just checking up on the progress for my clients”. The subs reported him to the builder, who threatened him with charges of trespassing. We didn’t know about the trespass and photography until a few months after we moved in and had some of the finish carpenters in to make a few adjustments. When we met NFH, it didn’t take too long for us to figure out how he’d misrepresented himself, and that he was trying to use us, and our connections, for ‘social climbing’. Why would we introduce a demon to our friends and associates? After one awful backyard verbal assault from NFH, where he actually threatened a defamation of character lawsuit if we uttered one word of his behavior to the other neighbors, NFH suggested that “we work together to become better neighbors to me.” I’m so happy that he moved away; however, there’s something that feels ‘broken’ in me. I can’t bring myself to talk with more than a couple of neighbors. Although the others discovered that NFH was/is the problem (he still drives by the neighborhood, flipping people off), and they shunned us while he lived here, believing we were raining hell down on him, I think they’re now too embarrassed to do much more than wave and smile at us. My advise to you is to very quietly begin to document every instance of your neighbor’s trespass, damage, verbal assault, late-night music, etc. and provide it to your police department. When our NFH had called the police on us, for vandalism and theft that we could not have done, the police officer sat in our home and listened to the litany of torment NFH had inflicted for a year. Yep, no charges filed; however a file was opened by the police department on our NFH, with instructions that if he EVER trespassed, threatened us again, or even made us feel unsafe in our home, to call the police ASAP, as they saw the potential for this spinning way out of control for us. It scares me a bit that I now know how to use a weapon to defend myself, and the exact words, actions, and a lawyer to call before and after I fire the weapon.
The last few minutes of this video was "head on the nail" regarding talking with my narc mother for the first time in 8 YEARS. Her loaded, gas-lighting comment to me came unexpectedly, as I was engaged in a different conversation. I was telling this other person how blessed I am and so grateful for what Yehovah has done in our lives, when my mother said out-of-the-blue "I'm not going to confess to lies just to have a relationship." [I had gone No Contact with her & my enabling father 8 years prior after confronting them with childhood abuse]
I held my tongue, because I was attending the Celebration of Life event for my sister's husband-- not the place or time for this.
Thank you, Dr. C, for helping me understand what triggered her to say those words she was waiting to say to me. She was jealous I was living a life filled with gratitude! Probably more so because she wasn't a part of it.
I think I might be able to put this interaction from last week to rest, and carry on with my blessed life now; you helped me identify the puzzle piece I was struggling with.