What are Daddy Issues? What causes them & how to fix them
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- Опубликовано: 12 июн 2024
- Daddy issues is not a diagnosable mental illness, it’s not even a term that was ever used in any of my psychology classes, or continuing education courses. The reason for this is because any “issues” we may have with our caregivers (like our mother or father or even aunt or grandparent) is boiled down to attachment. So instead of calling these struggles “daddy issues” we should really call them attachment issues, because that’s what they are. Unfortunately when it comes to attachment and parental research, it tends to focus on our mothers and their role in our development, but fathers play an important role as well. When we are children they teach us about boundaries, by being more of the risk takers or rougher when it comes to play, they show us what we can and cannot do or what we are okay and not okay with. They help us understand risk, fear, and hopefully be reminded that they are there to catch us, or pick us up if we fall down. Fathers also represent the role of a male adult member of the family. This can affect us no matter what gender we are. If we identify as male, our father can show us how male’s act in certain situations. We can mimic their behavior and find ourselves acting just like they did. Our relationship with our father’s also plays a huge role in our self esteem and confidence. Because mothers tend to be (but not always) the more nurturing, consistent, and home sustaining caregiver, we can take them for granted. They are around more, give more support and positive reinforcement. Whereas fathers tend to be away from home more often. Anyways, because fathers are away from home more, when they are around, we can seek out their approval most. Many children can grow up believing that if they please their father then he will stay around more often, or that his approval just means more.
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"Daddy Issues" is a cruel moniker for the pain of a lack of a father figure, or having an abusive father.
Very well put, like victim blaming
More accurate statements have never been made
What would be an abusive Father?
Thank God I have never been called someone with daddy issues because I have lied compulsively to everyone in my life who isn't aware of the truth on my life. :)
@@rakata1987 You're a bad person
*Me, trying to identify if I have daddy issues, not having close relationships with any male at any point of my life* 👺
Of course this effects a person! Same for me...
Me too in some ways..
+ Molly Moon if you werent close to your parents especially your father then yes you might have daddy issues
at least you realize this could be a problem thats a start
you can get help to work though and over come those issues and go onto lead a long happy for fulling life
I'm currently on the process of 'mothering myself' and the thought of having to do this with my paternal relationship as well makes me feel exhausted. It's so unfair having to do the work that people responsible for me never did. Anyone else?
ugh, yes very exhausting. Please continue to take care of you and be gentle to yourself. Show compassion and you will be okay friend
I am with you on that
Good to kniw you are like me on that and there are people feeling like me
Yeah, Same here. I don’t really feel like it’s my job, and I tend to try to put it onto others or supply the need with substances, music or
Social media.
I Am Totally with You Sis🥺💔!!!!
Yes and also society makes me feel bad to "blame others"
For the re-father ourselves part, I know a RUclips channel that might help. It's called Dad, How do I? This man teaches you a bunch of stuff that Dads usually teach their kids. Its very wholesome. I think he started it because his Dad left when he was a kid or something like that. It has helped me a lot.
Absolutely, I have seen his channel
Thank you!
Thank you a lot ❤
Sounds cool!
Thank you❤
My father was totally inconsistent and even abusive sometimes. I cut ties with him and I've been doing a lot better ever since. I think I also re-fathered myself doing and learning what I wanted to do or learn. Still a part of me is mad at him because I think that that child who bears the scars of his behaviour is now still struggling to heal didn't deserve that. I can move one but not forgive. Also, when a much older man figure is nice with me I tend to trust them more easily because I'm still looking for the figure I never had.
youre so strong and you will get through this!!
@@naevillera Thank you ♥️
I am so sorry you had to go through that.. and I hope that understanding and therapy you are able to heal :) xoxox
@@Katimorton Thank you! ♥️ Your videos and podcasts are also helping a lot in the process!
You'll struggle until things are made right with your Father. As tough as it may be.....not nearly as tough as what you will be facing.
I found myself becoming my GF's "daddy" in place of her absent and gaslighting father. It's a task that takes a lot of responsibility, but she has grown so much more stronger with my consistent support and sturdy base. Support system is very important to heal from these past scares. Consistency is paramount. And remind them that they are doing the work, you're just providing the workbook.
do u not feel like that’s the burden on u that u never asked for? i have daddy issues but i refuse relationships as i don’t want to overwhelm a guy with my past traumatic experiences and feel guilty about it. would like to hear a make perspective from u.
@@KP-el7wk Great question. Because I think it's a natural part of the human experience, I DO feel like it is a burden that I didn't ask for, but because I'm so self-aware, I realize, we came together for a greater reason so it's a burden worth bearing. Where she is weak, I am strong and vice-versa. So all the energy I expend is worth it to me. She pours into my cup as much as I pour into her cup. I can be a bit of a "white knight" and I find comfort in being able to help and emotionally support the woman I love. That's how I am able to show love to her. That actually makes me happy that I can prove to her that I'll be there. I know she needs that consistency and stability to provide her the space to combat her attachment style. That's how I'm able to reconcile the stress it causes for me. She doesn't have to be a finished product and the right might won't think you have to be a finished product to deserve this time and effort either.
I know she doesn't want to be in these traumatic spots. I know and trust she is not taking advantage of me. So I think I'm just playing my role towards a healthy relationship. Sometimes we have to give our partner a chance to heal with us instead of letting them heal on their own in the same conditions that we found them in.
@@LEEeveryday Just reading through this message explaining how you're there for your gf was comforting and calmed me down from the break down I was already going through while watching this video.
I was losing faith in myself and in God (when I searched for this video) that someone understanding and supportive would come into my life and replace the role of my father and mother or rather lack of but also be a good partner and best friend to me because once that person has gained my trust I would give so much of myself to them as I have a lot of love to give. Unfortunately I find it hard to love myself, though I can admit I'm doing better than my previous years.
I'm trying to do things that make me happy and trying to romanticize my own life because waiting for a man is painful already and to die not doing some things I wish i had experienced in life I wouldn't have known what happiness was would just be double the pain.
I hope your relationship is going well with your gf and you both only get stronger together and as individuals. It's unfair for another man to do the work of what a father should have done... but I guess love makes you do those kind of things 🤷🏽♀️ I hope I will receive that love one day too. You're definitely someone rare.
That was the most beautiful thing I've ever read. Thank you so much for putting that out to the world
@@flyingpanda4678 Thank you. This inspires me because now I'm realizing my close experience and success with having a healthy relationship with someone with such a traumatic background could show others it's possible if the support has the right mindset.
You got me when term " re-father yourself" came. And when you said, - "go do those things which you counted on your father for!" It was a ahha moment for me.
Almost every male relationship I’ve had has been abusive or neglectful, starting with my dad. I know I have complicated relationships with men and I tend to favor and find more comfort in women. It’s definitely something I want to work through in therapy.
Mine too! I'm staying single because I know my choice in men is terrible. I can figure out why I do it, but my heart just overtakes the situation everytime. I can't trust myself in romantic relationships in that sense. Best of luck to you!
If everywhere you go smells like 💩 maybe it’s time to check the bottom of your shoe
This IS NOT the blame game. Its not his fault anymore than it is hers.
You have said that you remain single???
Understandable but NOT necessary. Study your trauma, learn about yourself. I bet you enter into relationships with an expectation, with your guards up, awaiting the inevitable. When you throw that energy out, that is exactly the same energy that will come back to you. Trust me. Learn to love yourself, care for yourself, learn to be vulnerable and have the coping skills if things went pear shaped. By doing this, you leave yourself wide open to endless possibilities of true pure happiness.
Meeting other people with similar childhood's than mine. Group theraphy was one of the most intimidating experiences of my life but also the most rewarding
Nice 👍 , could you recommend any online platform
"I like your sleeves- they're real big" - Napoleon Dynamite
I LOVE that movie! And Katie's sleeves, too.🙂
@@sunshine9122 what movie is it?
@@cosmicgiggler1044 napoleon dynamite
LMAO 😂
How do you always read my mind exactly when I'm wanting something? Once again, perfect timing on a perfect topic
Right !
Exactlyyy!
I try ;) haha! I hope this was helpful!! xoxo
same omg!!!
I didn’t realize how many “daddy issues” I have until my dad passed away last year. Almost harder than his death has been trying to mend my relationship with him by myself because he’s not here. To work through the grief and the guilt at the same time. And to recognize that I didn’t always have the most positive thoughts about him. It’s easy to want to idolize someone when they pass so his passing has really amplified my attachment injuries.
I'm going through the same thing, thanks for sharing your experience. I hope you're doing well and get better 💕
Going through the same thing as well
I've been dealing with the same thing since my mom and grandpa died so I know what you mean and it's a lot. Of course, none of this is your fault and it's not your burden to carry. I've come to this realization: I didn't ask to be born and it's not my fault my parents weren't up to the job of raising me. I don't need to feel bad for not loving my abusers enough. I got away and looked out for my own well being and I'm never going to regret that.
Having overshared all that , I realize you wrote this comment 9 months ago. Are you feeling any better now? Hopefully the worst of that wave of grief and confusion has mostly passed over? 💙
@@bunnykatsoracle3275 Yes, doing much better. I’ve been working on my grief for 2 years now which is helping a lot. ❤️ Sending you love
@@jaelynrae8836 oh that's good to hear! Thank you so much for replying. 😊 sending some love right back! 🤗💙
I think it’s interesting, too, to talk about how “mommy issues” is not nearly as prevalent a phrase, and “daddy issues” is almost always thrown around for women more than men. It’s very rooted in sexism.
To me the idea sounds like maybe a misnomer for Freud's concept of the Oedipus and Electra complex. Not that I think his ideas are correct in any way, but emphasized the importance of parents in development and had an influence on much of popular culture when it came to how people then thought the human mind worked.
Lack of structure shows more in women and that's why this saying it's applied to them
I'm not sure if I understood your comment correctly but also "daddy issues" is used to insult women while in reality its a result of male failure to show up
@@harleyquiinnnn failure to show up bc women have been subconsciously Trained to no fault divorce for no reason. It's not an insult when we make women accountable with labels.
@@MindRevVing84 jesus wtf.. talk about living in a bubble
I've major daddy issues. My dad was 37 when I was born. He wasn't really around that much, and was out with his friends all the time. Either gambling or just living as if he was a bachelor man. My mother was home with us 24/7. We use to always ask when he was coming home. He use to promise and say he'd be home at this time. And id stay by the window hoping to see him pull up in the driveway. But he never came home 🥺 it didn't help that a lot of times he could be verbally abuse and yell at me. But I always made excuses and wanted to love him. It's the reason why I have BPD. He's in his 60s now and tries to make up for lost time, but I can't help but feel resentment towards him. I can't forgive him no matter how hard I try because my inner child still is hurt.
Omg I can't imagine how torn I'd feel if there was this strange element of a 'redemption arc' that would suddenly come into play after all these years of being a human fuckup... My father's might be an abusive a**hole, but at least he's a consistent one O.O
@NessieTM. Forgiveness is hard. But in the end it heals you. It's better for you. You can forgive. That doesn't mean you have to re- embrace him as your father.
Your mother is one of a plague of women who went for the bad boy, and the children paid the price. It's politically correct to lionise these women as being salt of the earth, valiant single parents, when they are actually the core problem in society. No forward thinking, no ability to wisely select a partner, and child be damned. But yeah, it is so easy to blame the man.
I completely understand🙏🏾🙏🏾 it’s hard to forgive someone who let us down so much. I try to remember we all are imperfect and deserve forgiveness but you never forget what happen the trust is broken possibly forever
@@northernlights5481 it's true. And she even admits that. She was quiet and he was a big personality. He was also 9 years older than her. She use to bitch a lot about him to US, as young children. It's no wonder I've poor relationships with men. Both my parents were screw ups.
Having an abusive father taught me to choose kind men as my friends. I've been very lucky with males in my adult life as I know what I don't ever want, and will never accept.
I have ptsd from severe childhood trama, I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now. Therapy has brought to the surface so much, and this video makes a lot of sense and gave me a journal prompt. Thank you for the upload, I needed this video.
This is so true, my father was a narcissistic and never was there for me.
Mine too. Hugs.
same here
Just found out mine is a narcissist too. Never knew it. I knew things were not normal.
Mine too
We’re all on the same boat then…
This is so helpful?? My dad was always around, and never abusive, so it took me ages to accept that I could have any trauma related to him. What I've come to realise is that he has a lot of mental health issues, which have kind of made him incapable of being a father. He was here and trying his best, and it was never his fault, so I never thought there could be an issue. Turns out as a kid, I was seeking his validation; I thought if I was good enough he would become better. When the video talked about how it affects out everyday relationship with men, I was in awe. I'm constantly seeking affirmation from any man I see as an authority figure. There's barely any men I dislike; I blamed myself for my dad's issues, and I now blame myself for every man's issue. 'He's not a bad person, he's just struggling'. Truly enlightening, tysm
Ohhh yes! Emotionally unavailable, due to his own father dying young and probably also being unavailable. Resulted in Mum mothering him to try and fill the gap. Resulted in the whole family trying to 'keep him happy'. When he never WAS happy, but at the same time was sufficiently 'happily unhappy' to do nothing about it.
Yes, I continually seek validation too. Prefer male company, yet am afraid of men. Lots of fawn response and buried anger. I need to do positive self-talk that Dad didn't do.
My dad was absent and my relationship with my boyfriend highlight that I have a lot of daddy issues. I subconsciously want him to do things my dad didn’t do for me and it sucks because I end up crying all the time
If you ever want to see how valuable a good father is in a child's life, just look at the lifestyles of kids who grew up without a father or with a deadbeat father. They are more likely to drop out of high school, end up in the criminal justice system, and overall have less self-control and discipline controlling their emotions or in their lives in general. Every child deserves a good mother and father in the home, as it is the backbone for a healthy society.
No, people growing up in poverty and violence are more likely to get into trouble. Plenty of shitty fathers and mothers out there cause more problems.
No one needs a dad to survive but we do need our moms. Our moms are literally more important and this shitty republican talking point only serves to put men on a pedestal that don't deserve it.
Agreed! Every child deserves to have good parents and consistent support at home :) xoxo
@@zr1129 There’s nothing inherently conservative about saying that fathers are important. They are! An affectionate, compassionate, and responsible dad will give his kids a template for what it means to be an honorable man, someone who respects and appreciate others, including women. Mothers and fathers are of equal importance, but in different ways.
signal moms / two moms families: 👁👄👁
@@claramoura872 homophobic BS!
Thank you for the acknowledgement that not every family is traditional. It goes a long way when so many sources seem to want to pretend that non-traditional families and identities don't exist.
Of course!! I always do my best to be as inclusive as I can :) xoxo
I made a list of all the things I didn't get from my father. I realized I had been treating myself the same way! So now I'm actively making choices to give those things to myself. It's very soothing and self loving
The realationship with my Father was always hard for me to explain. We're not close, but also we're not like far away from each other. I think my Father tried his best to be a great father, he was but he also failed. When I grew up it faded, and it was like I got left alone emotionally.
I always felt a certain hate or anger to him, maybe because of that. And it hurts to see people who their dads are their best friends. My dad had a traumatic childhood, so I tried to tell myself he can't to anything about it, and for his conditions it's the best father he can be.
He shows his love with material things, but it's nothing when you get this by a Person you're not very close with. I don't even know if he's buying us so much for his inner child, or because of US.
As his daughter I hate him, but I love him as a Person. Not the best father, but a good father for his conditions... at least he wasn't abusive. Could've been worse....
i really relate about what u said i respect my father but i just cant pretend anymore to have a good relationship with him he trying his best to be father for us but even so i still never feel like close to him to tell him everthing,spend time with him having fun or be his best friend i never experience that with him...sometimes my dad will bcome abusive if he get mad mybe the last i felt close with him when i was little child i dont know about my older sister or lil brother idk if they feel the same way like me
Emotionally unavailable. Probably because he was brought up to 'be a man' and not even admit to emotions. So he never processed them, just vented them occasionally and mocked them in others.
It's tough because basically you can't know the person. All you can do is be respectful towards them, and work on giving yourself the self-talk they never gave you.
Thank you. My father was emotionally abusive to my mother and I. It took me years of therapy and self-help books to realise I had moved from that to an unhealthy defacto relationship (I left home young) where my partner drank excessively, sulked (same as dad) and refused to socialise with my friends or family. I was mid 30s by the time I broke free. 17 years later and I still feel some shame at times. Domestic violence doesn't need to be physical and it happens in EVERY socioeconomic group and culture.
This video is perfectly timed . I’ve noticed by going to therapy that I have severe daddy issues and have been wanting a I know how to overcome this problem. Thank you for addressing this Kati !
Of course!! I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
I have 2 little girls, ages 4 and 2. I take my role as their father extremely seriously. The most important function in my life
I honour you for that. That is amazing. May you continue to be a steady light in their lives. Your girls are blessed to have you 🙏
Yes it's that freakin pattern . It not my parents fault entirely ( because I believe our destiny is in our own hand ) . It's the society . I have analysed all the patterns and you know I am not going to follow that same path . Thanks to youtube that I was able to understand that my father and mother was actually toxic ... I think internet has helped me realise what a healthy family looks like . My mom she has filed a divorce . And she has changed and my father he will never change He still tries to manipulate us but me and my mom have said no . We are now going to therepy . And you know now I am feeling much more better now . I am happy and I feel blessed now. Thank you very much Kati for giving us more awareness about mental health . You know in India( because I am Indian and I don't know much about the other cultures but India is not the country that have this mindset ) mental health is always associated with being insane . They believe that if you work hard then all your problems will be gone . So I want to spread awareness about mental health and I want to help people who are abusive relationships and the teenagers who are stuck in a toxic household .
I am so glad you have found my videos helpful, and I am so glad you are spreading awareness too!! xoxo
Good for you and your Mom for getting away and realizing that it's not on you to change him.
I definitely have attachment issues with both of my parents. I was under-malnourished and at some point my mom ignored her children. Both parents made me believed my step dad was my real dad until he told me around 6 years old. Then things started to get weird. I told my mom at some point but he gave me a look and I lied. Eventually, my mom walks in and the ambulance and cops were called. After about a few weeks my mom had a psychosis episode and we had to go to another family member's house. After about a few months, we went into foster care. To be honest, I have grown up and been a kid in a short period of time. Except, I had to grow up once in highschool. Which was only a year after getting into the home. Just before school ended I finally got tested for a learning disability and I was so pissed off. This could of helped me in school to get extra help. Although, because of Virtual Reality, I have been teaching myself stuff that I haven't learned from school. Like the basics of the solar system and their make up and stuff. Playing educational games for math and other subjects that I missed. Except, english because I hated it. I still struggle day to day but I somehow manage. I am on the way to recovery with the help of an EMDR counselor/therapist.
For anyone who might be going through a similar but different situation, always know that there is light at the end of the tunnel no matter how many steps you have to do to get there.
Be really, really proud of yourself 😍
Narratami, I'm so proud of you! I send you a big hug and a smile.❤😊
Can you make a video about mommy issues. I get “mommy crushes” on woman all the time. Since I was a toddler due to abuse and neglect
This was so helpful Kati thank you. "Re-fathering" is a lot less frequently used than re-parenting - which can often seem vague/broad. Thank you for breaking it down and giving examples of how we can help ourselves. Such a deep deep wound but it is possible to heal it gradually x
Today is Fathers Day in the US and I’m up watching this video and crying in the car. I never knew how to identify my issue, and something just came to me and I typed “How to deal with Daddy Issues “ into the search bar. My dad died in 2016, but I’m still having problems in life, relationships, friendships, etc. This video made me very emotional so I know it’s resonating on a deeper level. Thank you for the video. Now I know where to start.
girl you just gave me better advice then any therapist i had in the past 13 years
I had a great dad, he just isn’t a great boyfriend/husband so grasping healthy relationships has been hard plus no emotional boundaries with me so now I have trouble creating them with someone else. Parents really are just big children trying to navigate like us
Thank you!! You've just reminded me that my next partner MUST be 'emotionally available' as a priority. I need to break the cycle I have been in. My 2nd husband turned out to be a Narcissist & I now realise my dad was too. I'm currently learning about looking after myself & having a positive internal voice. I've spent my life 'managing' my relationships to avoid negative behaviour (a result of my relationship with my dad) & it's exhausting. It's been a long lesson but I'm making great progress in identifying the patterns I must change to break the unhealthy attachments I have made in the past. I'm learning that I have choices! Onwards & upwards.
Thanks. Inspiring!
I honestly will not see a therapist again. I told the first that my dad used to say I am: good for nothing would amount to nothing. That I am an error. I even told her about all the abuse. She asked if it really happened or if it was all in my head.
I found another and she said "oh. that is just how men are but you are still alive now. He tried but didn't manage to actually kill you, so it's okay. Past is past". It's honestly been more hurtful looking for that understanding. It brings up the past more than I would like it to. Initially, I was afraid to go to a male therapist, afraid that I might latch on to a caring male figure, i purposefully sought out women. That didn't do much good🤔
These tips have been way more helpful and I honestly already went through some of the points in an effort to understand the past. I am now in the process of being my own daddy😂
hm... what you have been told by therapists does not sounds right, that a real therapist will say such staff..what were these therapists? I am sure there are pretty proper therapists, who can help you...google about therapy and how it should look like, also signs for good and bad therapists..
Therapists will never do the work for you. In the end, it is up to you to do what needs to be done in your life. I’ve had unsuccessful relationships with therapists too. Once I decided to tell myself that im too tired to worry about the past, I was able to live my life the way I want. I am not my parents. Their actions are not an excuse for my actions. I may have a flashback to a bad memory from time to time, but who cares. I don’t. They aren’t worrying about me. I rather pour that energy into something worthwhile. I’m sure that there are good therapists out there. I went through three of them, and they didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already. I suggest reading The Law Of Human Nature by Robert Greene. It changed my life.
@@purpessenceentertainment9759 i do agree that I have to do the work. I am working on a DBT workbook on my own. I do not have an extrinsic locus of control so that isn't the bother. It can just get overwhelming when the memories spring up. While I do direct the energy into positivity/ doing things that will build me, it is still mentally draining.
Edit: ps: i will look into that book. Thanks for the suggestion :)
I can definitely understand that. Good luck!!!
Sounds like what you need is a therapist like Kati...
Kati's thinking clock exactly runs with ours ! Thanks a lot ! Much needed one coz just yesterday I ran into problems with my dad. I wished he'd rub my back but he didn't. Just as my dad feels ashamed to show affection for me publicly so does my boy friend !
And now I get why this is with this video !
Happy Father’s Day!
(thanks!😊, but it's on 20th actually)
Lol.. I honestly didn't even think about that. Omg.. haha
Guys what you don’t control my life anymore
It's really comforting to hear that "daddy issues" isn't a phrase that is commonly used by therapists. My very first therapist in our first session laughed and said "oh so you have daddy issues" when I told him that I grew up never even knowing who my dad was. That made me immediately uncomfortable. Even more so because the event that triggered me finally going to to therapy was the fact that my spouse was transitioning from male to female. He then spun those two tidbits about me to spin this elaborate narrative about me, my life, and my marriage. I barely got a word in after that.
I was so anxious about getting help in the first place that I nearly quit therapy then and there, especially after a terrible group session the next week that left me in tears. It's very lucky that my wife spoke with her therapist at the time who got me a recommendation to a therapist she knew would be much more understanding, who I've been seeing for 3 years now.
Just got in an argument with my dad after a very long time, so this was rather timely.
We both apologized.
I think I'm gonna apply this to both of my parents bc i got some trust and attachment issues from when they got divorced and my mom's religion (the religion resulted in intimacy issues and just lack of education about my body since it was so taboo)
Yay parental issues
I find this topic on attachment styles super interesting! I had an ex of three years, who had an absent father. He left when she was 4. Her mother had a really distorted view on males in general: "i.e. men are assholes, they either leave you, die or something like that." which was really hard to navigate for me, cause she had a hard time opening up. Once you set a boundary, like a father would have done, she just gave you the cold shoulder approach. It was the most toxic relationship I've been in, but I've learned so much about myself in and after that relationship through therapy! If you have a relationship with a an individual with attachment issues (or at least think you can save them like I used to do) then it's time to look inwards people!
Thank you so much for this, I never thought about it being attachment issues, but it makes so much sense.
I most definitely have attachment issues. My father was passively present in the house not active. Never did anything with us( children) occasionally dropped us off or picked us up from school. Treated my mother horribly they should of divorced. Let her with multiple times to go back to our home country Nigeria. Left her pregnant with no money. Cheated on her multiple times the mistresses even called our house. To cut a long story short I have been left with very traumatic experiences of my father and it has translated into my relationship life. I’ve been with men who have treated me horribly, disrespected me, lied cheated, ect. Glad I’ve found the root of the cause and I’m learning to forgive my father the pain he has caused
I had a nightmare last night (and I say nightmare because this is one of my personal worst fears) that I had a baby and I felt no love for him. I was nursing him taking care of him, but I couldn't even look him in the eye. This is literally what my mother did with me and I'm terrified that I'll find myself doing this with my own babies because I have to be honest, I don't know how to love. I don't know how to be emotionally close to other people. It's like this barrier I can't break down. My mother put this barrier in me. She didn't love me, she didn't want me, but she did do her "duty" by me: feeding me, clothing me, educating me, etc. I don't want children at all if I can't give them genuine, open, maternal love as a strong foundation for their future lives.
literally perfect timing. thank you for this insight and information
My father was absent for many periods in my life, only seeing him every so often. Haven't seen him in 10 years, so I don't know him well. Ive had to learn to love him in my own way. I imagined that the small amount of love he showed, grew more and more. That helped with feeling that love inside, and imagining that it was inside me. I have remembered all the men I met growing up who were kind and cared, and I sort morphed that into one whole fatherly love in my heart.
thank you Kati! as always, so helpful and considerate
Great imma send this to my best friend
I remember asking my dad where he was going, since he was gone so much and wasn't working.. I don't remember exactly when I figured out that when my dad said he's "going to see a man about a dog" really meant he was going to the tavern and wouldn't be back till late. Maybe it was when I was 6 and he left me in the car alone for 3 hours while he was in the tavern.
I wonder now, when he left so often for his 'man/dog runs, why he bothered coming back at all. Eventually, when we needed him most, he disappeared. Thankfully, I'm more like my mom was that I am like him. 30 years sober :)
Super solid insights and effective tips, as always.
Yay! So glad you felt it was helpful :) xoxo
I’ve never found myself absent of anything. I just wish I could remove all the toxic things my father forced onto my life and continues to.
Thank you for posting this. This explanation makes me understand a long term, past lover more; we went through a lot over 5 years: acting out, unfaithfulness, complete abandonment on my behalf (only making it worse each time), her family reaching out to me from out of state, therapy, a period of placidity, and cycle repeating. Sufficing males' requests as a compensation was mentioned in therapy, met her father when he vacationed and she did plan his trip out down to the 15min blocks
I am so glad my video was helpful! xoxo
I really really love that this video is solution oriented. Thank you so much.
So much good info. Watching a number of times to hear what you are saying. Thank you.
I REALIZED THAT PLEASING MEN FOR ME WAS A SUBCONSCIOUS EFFORT TO PLEASE MY FATHER .... AND IF I WAS A GOOD ENOUGH GIRL..... MAYBE MY DADDY WON'T LEAVE ME...
LIKE MY FATHER DID..
Yes Katie, I did find this video helpful. You always do a great job going through these topics. I always learn something new and find new ways to look at things. 👍🙂
Sees title of video...👀
Sees first comment of video...👀
@@Hajdew I always wondered if I had "daddy issues" even though I didn't know my father. 🤔 It's like that phrase "if a tree fell in the forest and nobody is around does it make a sound?" She does make some really good points in this video that answer my question.
@@angelmarie2281 The fact that you didn't know your dad does effect you for sure. It's just hard to grab that nothingness, that void. It might show as a deep, inner emptiness. (Just my experience.)
My dad was very young when I was born, (Dad: 23 / Mom: 20 at the time of birth) and I was being raised by kids. Mom was overworked and in college. Dad was out, up late, verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to me. I remember one time he looked me in the face and said "I wish you were never my daughter." He used to constantly beat me and my brother for stupid things. But then he'd change his mood next time I saw him and be all nice. I'm not sure what to do, should I break it off? I'm just confused, I wish he loved me.
I took a while to get my head around the superego when it was cool to talk like you knew who Freud was.
It's funny how much sense you make if you just explain it like this.
I have mommy issues as much as I hate to admit it, so this video helped me. Gracias!
I’m tired of the term being lobbed against women with attachment issues or used to minimize women’s mistreatment by men.
Amen to that!
Have had an abusive father and still blaming him for my mental health problems. Recently I realized that I'm falling for my therapist (they are similar age) because he gave me love and support I've always needed from my father
sorry but a romantic relationship is not possible.....
it happened to my too with my therapist, just it won't happen
Thanks for this. You don't have to apologise or explain after every tip. Like you don't have to say get to know your dad and then explain to make your audience's imagined discomfort easier. If people are still uncomfortable in this high school way of labelling things as weird, they aren't your audience.
This was insanely helpful. Thank you.
Hey Kati,
Thanks for the video. The information is really helpful & I definately intend to look into DBT more.
Thanks for all the great content. xx
It doesn't matter what year or what century we are in, the truth is what it is. Mothers and fathers both have a role in raising children and when one is absent or even present but not active, it can have harmful effects on children. Don't get me wrong, once the child is an adult, he/she needs to find ways to heal and move forward, to be accountable for his/her own actions and choices onward, otherwise they stifle themselves, becoming a perpetual victim never achieving success or true happiness. It could take years or even a lifetime before they take responsibility for their own actions and stop blaming their parents for their own an adequacies or mistakes in life.
Sadly not everyone has the insight required to overcome their pasts.
Gosh I had a friend who completely minimized my traumas from my dad and called them just “daddy issues”. I’ve healed from everything but that comment really affected me.
when you mentioned relationships patterns i was like 👀!!! I'm currently seeing a therapist and, slowly, talking about this. thank you, kati!
Thankyou for breaking down this
I just realized that I've not just been chasing after father figures my entire life (I'm a teen still), but I've been chasing after any parent figure. My dad wasn't in my life at all except on a few occasions. My mom wasn't very good at meeting my needs. And I would be very cheerful around teachers and such. I would want to be as close as I could, I would hug my teachers a lot when I was little, and I was generally described as just a sweet child. In reality, I was just anxious and wanted someone to take care of me.
Me thinking about the Lucifer show, how the problems he had and has faced usually stems from his issues with his Dad. And how he has grown emotionally through therapy and working with the detective.
My dad had to work multiple jobs when I was little so mom could be home with us. Unfortunately, mom was abusive. I wish daddy could have afforded to only work one job during those years. He was a wonderful man. The best parts of me are from him. I miss him so much.
I was very close with my father, I'm a middle child and my mom's attention was always on my elder brother and youngest sister, so my father tend to give me more attention, he was a very strong figure for me, someone I heavily rely on. Then when I was 13, he got Alzheimer's, and he became very vulnerable, losing some of his ability as an adult, and I have to take care of him. It really felt like my great wall has collapsed, all these years I knew I have some attachment issue with my father, but I never really acknowledge it until last year he passed. And I'm suffering so much from this attachment issue right now, I try to date some guys, and it all failed horribly. I feel like some parts of me are broken.
That is very sad to know. May your father RIP and wish you a happier life.
I enjoy your videos, Kati. ❤ This video makes me realize that I do have attachment issues because of my father. When I was younger, he was very physically and emotionally abusive to my mom and constantly cheated on her. My brother and I never saw it happen, and I remember my dad wasn't there for me at all really. When my mom was pregnant with me, he told her I wasn't his.
My mom eventually told me everything she went through when I became old enough. It's very difficult to deal with because I feel a more secure attachment to my mom than I do with my dad. My dad never makes time for me, even though I've had a lot of past trauma. And now I'm starting to realize that my past relationships with men (even my current one) go down the same road my parents' relationship went on.
Do you have any journaling prompts to help me (and many others possibly) dive deeper into this? I'm not exactly too sure where to start.
Thank you, Kati. ❤
Very helpful. I'm struggling with this right now.
Reading all this comments makes my heart ache. All of us people sharing our stories and pain that that will never see the light of day IRL.
Best wishes to you all, I hope you become a better parent for your child one day and break the cycle.
Thank you Kati, you are brilliant!!!
Thank you for making this video! I related to a lot of what you had to say
Thank you for this.
NEXT WEEK IS FATHER'S DAY! SO, #RIP! DAD! 💔❤️🩹🥺😭
💐😟😞
Appreciate your information and style
Needed this right now!
I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
There is an excellent documentary about the removal of older male Elephants in Africa and how, some years later, it resulted in the destruction of properties in villages and attacks on people by younger male elephants due to the juveniles not having the older males to learn from.
The humans and elephants had coexisted rather harmoniously for a long time before the removal of the elders.
Really fascinating correlation that I believe is seen in the prevalence of crime and troubled male youth and the broken, fatherless homes so prevalent in modern societies.
Had a guy from my high school rotc who had the same job as my dad, was from the same place, and was basically like my dad if he’d figured out how to be a good parent. I couldn’t help but go to him and get really attached to him and he ended up being really good to me. Sadly, because of our relationship there was weird things thrown around like I had a crush on him, we were doing things, etc. That really put me off since it literally was just someone stepping up and being that kind of dad that I needed. Still think about it a lot
Thanks for this video, Kati; you brought up a whole ton of issues I'd like to look at more carefully...
Thank you for all you do. Got Cori Lee's book, and it really helped as do you. Bless you, child. :)
I never really had a father. Had a father-like friend who was kind, but didn't really understand me. So I basically was solo on the manhood thing lol. But I made it through ok. Hard, but made it. 😌
Happy to read that you made it, Victor!🙂
@@sunshine9122 thanks 😊
Thanks for the link to the older attachment video too. That was 3 years ago and before I'd ever found you.
I wouldn't mind seeing an update on that, maybe with a little more detail about the
Different styles and how they manifest in adulthood.
Going on 3yrs with mine it’s the way they are. Ups and downs, hot n cold. Remember you will frustrate and exhaust yourself into the ground trying to change her, to be happy accept who they are. Quicker you understand that the better
Does attachment style have any connection with being an introvert, extrovert or ambivert?
I am autistic and have been shamed, belittled and bullied by my father ever since I got the diagnose.
So yeah, I have daddy issues(trauma)
Hi Kati! I was wondering if you could possibly make a video about getting rid of sentimental objects. I will have to get rid of my deceased grandfather's car soon. It is hurting me very much and I don't know how to deal with it.
I appreciate the videos! Thanks for helping us.🙂
Dont know if it'll help but it can help to take a picture of the object to be able to look at it whenever you want to and to get rid of the object. You can also do a little funeral for the object. I hope i didnt trigger you or anything in my response. Stay strong!
@@tetsusumu That's a great idea. I didn't even think of this. Thank you ☺️ I'll definitely try this.
@@aimeekeyes8004 You're welcome. I'm glad i could help!
I would sIt in the car and have a talk with it and my grandpa..... and just say everything on my mind ... even non related issues .... yeah.... that what would make me feel better... you could try it if you want.
Oh, I am living in a mobile home- inherited-tried to fix things-spent $ I should not have touched-all of her videos relate to everything I am experiencing.
Thank you, Kati. ❤
thank you, this was really helpful!
My dad was weird. He was kinda mean. Did the basics but he enjoys hurting people. I got older and realized I don’t like him very much. Growing up he did the bare minimums.
Thank you so much for this
Thank you for the video❤️
great video, thank you!
My dad wasn’t abusive to me but definitely had some neglectful behavior. He wasn’t affectionate or loving toward me at all. The things that were important to me (pompon squad, swing choir, etc) were not important to him. I feel like my mom made him go to my school events. So of course, when it came to boys, I only fell for the ones that didn’t want me. Shocker.
What if I never had a father? Nor brothers or any masculine figure.. I've always been in relationships with either narcissists or abusive partners. Would be awesome if you make a video on that
You just obviously have no self respect. Nothing to discuss lmao
@@bubblysunset4366how is that her fault when she has no male figures to look up to? 😂 you're embarrassing!