If you’re looking for healthier attachment, I’m hosting a 2 part live attachment workshop (both live and pre recorded). Visit here to learn more & sign up: katimorton.com/the-shop
Hey Kati, can you please explain why I've been daydreaming and creating this fake life in my head for 4 years? I saw your video on dissociation, but I don''t think it's maladaptive daydreaming because I recognize what I'm doing in daily life and I'm still kinda connected. I've been making up this fake life in my head where I pretend to be somebody else who has a better life, but it doesn't get disrupted like maladaptive daydreaming. I can just go around what would otherwise disrupt it because it's all just in my head. Is this still maladaptive daydreaming, or do you think it's something else?
Just want to say that Anxious ppl are so sweet and kind and giving. I wish all Anxiously Attached people the best of luck in their healing because I know they can struggle with rejection, exclusion and abandonment wounds pretty badly ❤
Thank you, it really is hard having anxious attachment. I really have a hard time keeping relationships. I’m actually taking this year to myself for the first time in 19 years, so I’m hoping that with this alone time and really learning and educating myself that I’ll really have a better relationship next time.
Hi, we are the same person. I hope things get better for you. I’ve always chose to just stay single for the most part because it’s easier and I’m happier, but I’m 35 now and feeling like I’m getting old and need to find someone soon. I recently got into a new relationship 3 months ago and I’ve been so stressed and depressed a lot of the time
You're truly an amazing and remarkable person. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend ended things. He said he needed space, and while it broke my heart, I couldn’t blame him. There were no big arguments just… over. I’m struggling to accept that it’s really the end and that I might never hear from him again. I miss him so much.
Oh, sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been in your shoes, and I know how deeply painful this can be. But I want you to remember there is hope, and healing is possible. Would you be open to speaking with a spiritual counselor, Father Abulu? He helped me so much, and I truly believe he could make a difference for you too.
A spiritual counselor? That’s something I’ve never considered. But if it worked for you, I’m willing to give it a try. Can you tell me more about what to expect and how it helped you?
A spiritual counselor? That’s something I’ve never considered. But if it worked for you, I’m willing to give it a try. Can you tell me more about what to expect and how it helped you?
I was emotionally neglected as a child. I've had depression since I was 4. Dad was always working and my mom was always taking care one of my siblings. I became a people pleaser because I couldn't develop any kind of relationships with anyone. As I got older I was desperate to be in a relationship. I wanted to count on someone so badly. I basically had to grow up and understand the world by myself.
I 100% understand. I didn't have a father. My mother was a good woman but a terrible mother. She never hit us or abused us. She gave us food, clothes, and shelter, but that's it. Everything else I had to learn on my own. There was no support. My problems were my problems and no one seemed to give a shit if I haven't said a word in weeks. If I was missing, no one came looking for me. I, too, became a people-pleaser. I, too, had to understand the world on my own. I, too, became love-starved and desperate for love and affection. My mom died a few years ago. I told her I loved her before she passed. But the truth is... I still hate her sometimes.
@@sirdopaminesjournal3292 I understand parents are people too, and nobody is perfect but I'm 35 and I'm barely finding someone who is actually helping me. I've lost so much of my life to these problems. I don't hate my parents but Im not close with them. All my siblings are married and have kids of their own so naturally they want to spend time with their grandkids. I feel like I've just been forgotten.
When I was little my mom would leave me with a family member for an extended period of time then take me back,but then one day she left me with my aunt and her husband to live with her boyfriend.we've made up after many years but I feel like that messed me up and caused my abandonment isssues,I'm scared to let people get too close and push away because I've been hurt so many times,trying to work through it but it's a struggle
This video hurt a lot and also made me realise that my whole character, and the way I interact with others, is because I am so petrified of being abandoned. I am overly loving and helpful - and although I always want to be caring, I want the fear to go away now as its been too long.
I knew I had anxious attachment already and I can confirm all of these points are indicators of anxious attachment. The only thing I would note about these points in the video is that attachment is more of a thing that occurs in a relationship between 2 people and not something that specific person has on its own. That means that you can have relationships where you are anxious but others where you are avoidant or safe and don't experience the anxious signs.
Wow. I'm middle-aged and entering into a new relationship, possibly the first healthy one I've ever had (I seem to be a target for narcissists). And I hit all of these. I get so angry at myself for needing constant reassurances (to be fair at my age there are no uncomplicated relationships and credit as due, she does an amazing job of reassuring me). The intrusive, catastrophic thoughts drive me mad. Having anxiety attacks because I fully expect at any moment to find out she's flipped personalities and is not the woman I love. Again, to her credit (her past is more painful than mine) she gets that and we made an agreement to openly and honestly discuss our feelings and she does very well for me. I heard about this Anxious Attachment Syndrome and this explains it perfectly. Time to get well.
😮 This is soooo me! Wow. I'm blown away bc I always thought I was just too broken. I feel this so strongly. I panic and go down a rabbit hole if I'm not texted/called back right away from close friends/family. I then start stalker texting numerous messages. I also tell myself stories about how these people are just not good people ... they're selfish, jerks, etc. As soon as they get back to me, I totally switch and feel relaxed and calm ... almost like I imagine needing a hit from a drug would be! I have often thought I would rather be needed than loved because then it's a guarantee that I wouldn't be abandoned or replaced. I have numerous good friends who love me unconditionally. However, I dismiss that fact and obsess about family members that I feel don't -- bc they no longer need me. I am definitely going to do this work shop! Thank you for all you do!
I did EMDR for my emotional neglect and anxious attachment style and it worked wonders. People think EMDR is largely designed for cases of acute, single-event PTSD but it honestly changed my life and me as a person. I feel like I have a strong voice in my dating life now, and very firm boundaries of what I will and won't accept. I would really recommend those with an anxious attachment to try and find an EMDR therapist who is capable of this, if you're finding dating and relationships way too much of an anxiety-filled experience (just like I did).
I suspect my girlfriend of 2 months has this anxious attachment. Trauma dumping, asking me if I miss her, making it her mission to sort out my life (I don't have addictions but my life is messed up in other ways,) getting offended when I need to end a call after 2 hours. I'm concerned whether what we have is "real" or just desperation for it to be real
I'm sorry that this is happening between you guys. Have you brought up this issue up with her? If already, how did she respond? Keep up the expressing boundaries and needs. Communication and especially learning how to is key.
I can swing from anxious to avoidant depending on the person or situation. I had a dad who worked all the time and wasn’t loving at all. And my mom parentified and used me as her emotional support system all the damn time. Growing up my parents always fought. I simply did not have an emotionally safe home. Now after a divorce and being abandoned, always being the people pleaser, I’m dating again. I have done a lot of therapy and knew I was a codependent. But it was until recently that I realized I have an anxious attachment and fear of rejection and abandonment. I have been dating a woman for 6 months and realized I’m hyper sensitive to small changes in behavior. If she doesn’t text, or send memes, regularly I get anxious and ruminate. Which is a strange feeling as it’s completely unwarranted of no fault of her own. She’s literally one of the easiest people to be around and has a calming demeanor. I of course am aware of these feelings and do not bother her with my anxiousness as I do not want to ruin this relationship. So I’m practicing mindfulness and trying to address my core wounds that cause this. It’s easier said than done.
Hey, that sounds like a disorganised or fearful avoidant attachment. That is tough. The struggle can feel endless. Mindfulness can be very helpful indeed. I wish you good luck on your healing journey.❤️🩹
@@ERYInTrance For me it depends on the person. I definitely fell more anxious because I have abandonment issues that can make me feel insecure or seek validation. But I’m really good at burying it and keeping it to myself. God forbid I project that on anyone I care about. Probably that best way to tell imo of you’re anxious is recognizing how you feel. Do you get anxious when they don’t respond right away. Do you seek and need their attention and validation. Do you get jealous. Are you hyper vigilant with the slightest changes in how they act and then catastrophize in your mind.
@ Oh I didn’t know our attachment can be switched depends on who we meet!??? Yes, I get anxious when there’s no response for some time and will overthink if they went out with someone else or if they are upset or angry with me, also when the communications patterns break I will overthink if they don’t feel much for me anymore (maybe if they say good morning daily and didn’t do it once), will think of the worst scenario to get myself prepared, get jealous easily, feel depressed when they leave and will try to get them back, blame myself, get clingy, and more. Definitely anxious. But at the same time I’m not sure if I’m both anxious and avoidant. My psychologist told me she couldn’t tell yet as we only did 3 sessions. She said maybe both.
1. Constantly needing reassurance and validation from others. 2. We think we can only count on ourselves. 3. We have an intense fear of abandonment. 4. Emotional closeness - we people please, put others first, and take on a 'caretaker' role. 5. We struggle to place and uphold boundaries. 6. We can struggle with being alone. 7. We find ourselves jealous a lot.
I know that I have this attachment style but where it came from is a little different. Both my parents, especially my mom, were always there for me physically and emotionally. It almost got to the point that I didn’t care because I was so used to it. Whenever I moved to college and moved into a long distance relationship, I started really feeling the things mentioned in this video. It’s like I developed it because I was so used to overly focused and affectionate family that when I had significantly less of that, I felt this way.
Absolutely amazing video - this really helped me as i didnt know what was bothering me in my new relationship, (6 months on) i want it to work but before he went away for 5 weeks (he will be back in 3 weeks time) I was fine but feeling drained and worried - he became clingy, i had no energy left, and then when he went away i started to feel heartbroken and insecure, alcohol doesnt work for me. i came across anxiety attachment and your video was the first to appear - thank you , i now can start a healing journey again and make use of the next 3 weeks for myself to find myself again. This relationship is the first after a 10 year break from a previous one. I seen so much about myself in your video - Thank you
This has really shown me why I am the way I am. I am very self aware and knew that the way I feel emotions couldn’t be right. I also knew that I hated being alone and needed to hear from my partner every few seconds and it made me nervous when they hadn’t replied or called back, to the point where my heart would physically beat out of my chest when I’d see my partner online without him having replied my messages. I see now how unhealthy this is. And if I could fix my attachment style it might make me more secure in my relationship.
My anxious attachment shows up in school. I feel like I need to contribute more in class and go above and beyond to make the teachers and other students see my value. I'm in a counseling masters degree program, and I love your videos!
Kati this was wonderful! I'm moving in with my long time long distance gf and I've noticed my anxious attachment issues flaring. I know this is due to the instability moving causes, and I'm able to "reel it in". Thank you for being part of the community and support system I have in place to help me grow into who I want to be❤
I'm in a new relationship and she is so incredible and pretty, like...wayyyy out of my league, so I find myself getting anxious when she doesn't answer my texts quickly or if I think she's not enjoying herself every second, because I worry she won't stick around. So I'm trying to learn how to stop doing this so I don't mess this up.
This is speaking volumes. I can't take criticism or verbal abuse, & I have a history of getting too attached to certain people . I've even been labelled a "stalker" by people I've been in relationships with. Strangely enough, I do enjoy my own company, my solitude. Having said that, I tend to shy away from relationships to prevent from getting hurt. My dad was away a lot, in the RN, & my mother had an affair with a US Airforce guy, my current stepfather. In the US, was in a relationship with an older woman as a teenager, that ended badly.
Wow, you described me. I'm working on myself and in therapy to become more secure, especially because I'm hoping I don't screw up with a girl I'm currently dating.
Thanks! You’re the first one who at least talks in a normal and human way 😂 but it remains a draining experience realizing one has this anxious attachment style…in heavy limerence too and trying to start coping with cptsd again…❤️🙏🏽🍀✊🏽👍🏽
Thank you for this! Had a very “interesting” past weekend with a friend (longtime family friend) and this helped me answer some bothersome questions I had in my head. Have a great week everyone 🩷
I’m curious about specifically Anxious-Avoidant attachment style because that’s what my test came up with for me. I feel connected with a lot of these points but less so in the clinginess, I’ll cling when I’m a little manic but usually I will accidentally ghost everyone because I can’t tell if they want to hear from me, I feel like my life updates are boring or stressful or redundant and idk how to connect with people when that’s happening so I just don’t bother them but then they rarely ever reach out to me even if we are in good terms and want to talk.
Thank you for this video. I experience every point except being afraid to be alone actually, I prefer that maybe that’s because I’m used to it being an only child.
I was only recently introduced to the concept of forms of attachment. I did an assessment and disorganized is mine. As I read through it, it fit me perfectly. It's helpful to get insights into what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and the impact it can have. Thanks for all of your videos!
My biggest issue is the jealousy part, i dont have evidence but all these horrible thoughts come into my head which usually are worst case scenarios but now that i have found this as a "thing" im excited to dive in and do my research
Wow! I never knew this excisted until a couple of months ago. This video is on point and i can relate to most of these, especially #7!! 😭 Past experiences with my parents make sense too. How the heck do i heal from this? I'm in a romantic relationship and most of the time i am a mess. I hate it 😢
7/7 :) Altough number 6 is tricky for me, I like being alone, as in seeking solitude and being able to process everything around me. But I don't like to be alone for too long or when I think it's my place to gather people around me and they don't come; but this also ties in to number 1 and 7, too.
Thank you Kati. I had a moment today when I realized “this feeling or thought isn’t okay..but why?” And after researching I find your video. You literally described me, my actions and thoughts. Now I can start working on this. Thank you!
im an AA. i learned to improve my patience waiting for my DA ex to reply. initially it was an hour or two..slowly longer and longer till i couldnt take it. im out. im not an AA in other relationships. But strangely, i dont fear being alone. thank God!
If someone is anxiously attached, how much attention should they be given? They may say they always want more, but does this make their life better overall?
I ve been digging through attachment theories we learnt during our Psychology academic studies.Before I found this video I did think about the codependency issues tied to anxious attachment and it makes perfect sense.I do get why others would be getting jealous on coming in contact with me.Also, the same type of attachment explains it!
I'll let you know how many of these are my own traits for sure. #1. This used to be me before YEARS of therapy! It still comes through in my cleaning business for sure though. #2. For sure. Still working on my toxic independence. #3. Used to be me for sure. I still do it from time to time. To be continued...
I have all of these but I love my alone time. I need it. I get sooo burnt out after a while with people. They're like plants I feel I have to water 24/7.
I had to skip an ad lol. #4. I started working on this when I got into recovery. I believe most addicts are also codependent. #5. I'm getting so much better at upholding my boundaries. They used to be anything goes until nothing goes. #6. I finally crave alone time but was so bad before. #7. I used to think every guy was going to cheat. I didn't get jelious of friends having other friends because I had a friend show me how hurtful that was early on.
This video felt as if you were talking about me. I've never had a positive relationship with my mother and my father died when I was only 11. I married someone who was completely wrong for me but stayed for 30 years because I was afraid of being alone and unloved. When I divorced him he turned my (adult) children against me as retribution. Now I'm living the nightmare of being alone. I'm fighting to stay alive but I don't know why
This is excellent information, and my partner strongly identified with a lot of what you said here. We were wondering if you were planning a video focusing on avoidant attachment as well? I think that tends to be more my style and I'm looking to better understand and improve. Thanks for your great content.
Im not the jealous type. I love when my partner is their for friends. But now that you mention it. I did get a little upset that he consecutively chose a over b. I think it took a lot for me to get their though. The discomfort some people have doesn't bother me, it's when I'm not shown consecutive effort that they care I get scared. And sadly I haven't had the best responses from partners in the past when I bring up my feelings. Switching over to today. I saw some effort to bring me out of my shell that the new person cares. Im not used to getting calm caring replies back when I'm hurt and want to run away. My last partner would always belittle me in conflicts. If I was upset he'd do his best to become overly sweet and funny to skip over addressing his behavior and fixing problems. The relationship was also abusive at points so that made me scared to address relationship problems too.
You can absolutely change your life, even if you have an anxious attachment style; self-awareness and the right strategies can help you build secure, balanced relationships
I wanna share this to be better understood by family. But I honestly don't feel like anyone would take the time to even listen to it. I'm at that point now 😕 Maybe they would take the time but something inside me is like it doesn't matter. Man! It's so fun to deal with!! 😒
Thank you for your 7 Signs of Anxious Attachment. Is this different from Avoidant Attachment? I got the impression they are highly related if not the same. If different, that would make a great video...
Same. Can’t fix what u don’t see n it’s only ur fault once u know it and don’t change it. The fact that you’re like this is bc of ur survival from dysfunctional relationships. So don’t beat urself up
Thank you so much for this video. I never realized how badly my childhood had affected me, even now as a 35-year-old. My mother and father both have undiagnosed mental illness, and they have substance abuse as well. I've recently had to distance myself from my family because my mother and sister have been invalidating me and trying to manipulate me. But in the meantime, I really do struggle with a lot of anxious attachment (every one of the 7) and I tend to take it out on my friends... even though a lot of the time it feels like I have no friends at all because they just don't get back to me when I am upset. I don't have anyone besides the Crisis Line to reach out to when I'm feeling out of control, and that thought scares me. Because it feels like, if they're my friends, then they should be there for me. You know? Isn't that what friends do? Instead, I just get ghosted a lot. Luckily enough, I have therapy this morning so I will bring up what I learned in this video to her. Thanks again for the great video, looking forward to the next ones. And sorry this is so long! XOXO
I know I'm an anxious attachment but I prefer to be alone the majority of the time unless the person I'm co dependent on is close by, then I can have the tendency to suffocate them by not giving them time alone and personal space it so bad that if they are leaving the room I find an excuse to follow them to that room or be in that room or I will start a conversation or try to get hugs or something so they don't leave immediately.
I love being alone and single, but the second I get into a relationship my anxious attachment comes surging to the surface. I’m very picky with who me I date so once I pick someone I feel like they’re perfect and I can’t lose them.
I got every kind of validation and reassurance from my parents, growing up. They praised me when they should have, encouraged me to pursue whatever I felt like, never made me feel ashamed for not being able to do as well as those other kids etc. They are the most supportive set of parents a person could get. But I STILL am an anxiously attached person in romantic relationships. What could possibly explain that ? Could a lack of all these from the very first serious romantic partner in life be the reason ?
Is it normal to feel or identify as a person with an anxious attachment style? But with only a specific person? I liked being alone before i fell for a romantic partner. I only find myself attaching to romantic partners. It takes me a long time to get over a person. It drains me 😢
I certainly know I'm struggling with this. I made a new friend 8 months or so ago. Definitely did the dump thing very early into the friendship. They were very understanding and have stuck around but at times I panic because they give me mixed messages like, one day they tell me they want to hang out more often but then a week later I barely hear from them and when I reach out to connect, they take hours to respond and give vague answers, as if they don't have the time for me. This is happening currently and I'm so confused as worried I did something wrong but I'm trying to remind myself it's all in my head and I'm over thinking things.
Same-a friend seemed like she was ghosting me, but figured she was probably going through stuff. I sent her an encouraging text or two then let her be and put my focus on other things. Weeks later she called me and let me know she was going through a tough time at work and didn’t want to be a drama Queen-I told her it was okay and that she can tell me that next time and I will be sure to give her that space she needs, but let her know I’m here for her. She agreed and we’re good. Not rocket science, but if you find someone who’s willing to meet you halfway and communicate with you-hold on to them!
My gf is a fearful Avoidant and i'm Anxious, it's to difficult to maintain a healthy relationship since i'm the only trying to work on myself and fixing the issues...it's exhausting!!!
I have a quick question about codependency with an addicted partner. What if the addiction came before your relationship or you didn't find out about it until after you started the relationship with them? Was it still codependent?
I was in a long distance relationship. My partner told me I have anxious attachment because I wanted us to talk to each everyday when possible. We broke up because I felt like he didn't wanted to spend any time with me. I'd be lucky if he called once a week ( even though he had plenty free time) i don't know if my expectations are unreasonable or was he just emotionally Avoidant and were Gaslighting me
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 this is a long distance relationship. You get to meet your husband once a week. We meet once a year. There were times when he didn't call or text for a month. I wouldn't even know if he is alive.
@@HARI25ablefuck that ! There has to be a conversation about meeting in the middle. You are expected to just adjust to their form of no communication and thats that?
If you’re looking for healthier attachment, I’m hosting a 2 part live attachment workshop (both live and pre recorded). Visit here to learn more & sign up: katimorton.com/the-shop
Hey Kati, can you please explain why I've been daydreaming and creating this fake life in my head for 4 years? I saw your video on dissociation, but I don''t think it's maladaptive daydreaming because I recognize what I'm doing in daily life and I'm still kinda connected. I've been making up this fake life in my head where I pretend to be somebody else who has a better life, but it doesn't get disrupted like maladaptive daydreaming. I can just go around what would otherwise disrupt it because it's all just in my head. Is this still maladaptive daydreaming, or do you think it's something else?
She didn't answer @@dishsoap-zj3pf
Just want to say that Anxious ppl are so sweet and kind and giving. I wish all Anxiously Attached people the best of luck in their healing because I know they can struggle with rejection, exclusion and abandonment wounds pretty badly ❤
Thank you. Yes it is a bad feeling.
Thank you, it really is hard having anxious attachment. I really have a hard time keeping relationships. I’m actually taking this year to myself for the first time in 19 years, so I’m hoping that with this alone time and really learning and educating myself that I’ll really have a better relationship next time.
Thank you for valuing rather than rejecting us anxiously attached people.
Anxious gang let's go! 🙃
Thank you. This was such a loving thing to say
I’m fine with being alone. What throws me off is when I relent and let someone in and it doesn’t work out…then, I become a mess!
Same
Sameee 🥹🫠
Me too
Same here
Hi, we are the same person. I hope things get better for you. I’ve always chose to just stay single for the most part because it’s easier and I’m happier, but I’m 35 now and feeling like I’m getting old and need to find someone soon. I recently got into a new relationship 3 months ago and I’ve been so stressed and depressed a lot of the time
Its the most horrible feeling, you finally let someone into your life & then the whole time you're worried that they'll walk out of it.
And you can hardly enjoy your time together because of all that worry.
But then you walk out instead
You're truly an amazing and remarkable person. A few weeks ago, my boyfriend ended things. He said he needed space, and while it broke my heart, I couldn’t blame him. There were no big arguments just… over. I’m struggling to accept that it’s really the end and that I might never hear from him again. I miss him so much.
Oh, sweetheart, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been in your shoes, and I know how deeply painful this can be. But I want you to remember there is hope, and healing is possible. Would you be open to speaking with a spiritual counselor, Father Abulu? He helped me so much, and I truly believe he could make a difference for you too.
A spiritual counselor? That’s something I’ve never considered. But if it worked for you, I’m willing to give it a try. Can you tell me more about what to expect and how it helped you?
A spiritual counselor? That’s something I’ve never considered. But if it worked for you, I’m willing to give it a try. Can you tell me more about what to expect and how it helped you?
Thank you so much for connecting me with him. I’m truly grateful, and I’m looking forward to seeing how this can help me.
I was emotionally neglected as a child. I've had depression since I was 4.
Dad was always working and my mom was always taking care one of my siblings.
I became a people pleaser because I couldn't develop any kind of relationships with anyone.
As I got older I was desperate to be in a relationship. I wanted to count on someone so badly.
I basically had to grow up and understand the world by myself.
I 100% understand.
I didn't have a father. My mother was a good woman but a terrible mother. She never hit us or abused us. She gave us food, clothes, and shelter, but that's it. Everything else I had to learn on my own. There was no support. My problems were my problems and no one seemed to give a shit if I haven't said a word in weeks. If I was missing, no one came looking for me.
I, too, became a people-pleaser. I, too, had to understand the world on my own. I, too, became love-starved and desperate for love and affection. My mom died a few years ago. I told her I loved her before she passed. But the truth is... I still hate her sometimes.
@@sirdopaminesjournal3292 I understand parents are people too, and nobody is perfect but I'm 35 and I'm barely finding someone who is actually helping me. I've lost so much of my life to these problems. I don't hate my parents but Im not close with them. All my siblings are married and have kids of their own so naturally they want to spend time with their grandkids. I feel like I've just been forgotten.
@@Diogenes741I hope you find your person and in the meantime I hope you find peace ❤
When I was little my mom would leave me with a family member for an extended period of time then take me back,but then one day she left me with my aunt and her husband to live with her boyfriend.we've made up after many years but I feel like that messed me up and caused my abandonment isssues,I'm scared to let people get too close and push away because I've been hurt so many times,trying to work through it but it's a struggle
In the same boat here! I was the older brother and i had to become my mother and father for my little brother... Not an easy childhood 😅
This video hurt a lot and also made me realise that my whole character, and the way I interact with others, is because I am so petrified of being abandoned. I am overly loving and helpful - and although I always want to be caring, I want the fear to go away now as its been too long.
Me too😊
Relatable
I have a big issue with Ruminating. It hurts me all the time. It’s difficult to stop. I’d love to see a video on how to beat that cycle.
Me too!
I have a solution use maybe maybe not statement
Hi! It’s just an idea but hiking is proven to help specifically with rumination.
@@merebelrose677 thanks!
Omg, yes
I cried watching this video 💔 I hate that I was neglected as a child
I’d love to see a video specifically on how to manage a relationship when one (or both) people have an anxious attachment!
Yes , i would love to see one too
Me too!
I knew I had anxious attachment already and I can confirm all of these points are indicators of anxious attachment. The only thing I would note about these points in the video is that attachment is more of a thing that occurs in a relationship between 2 people and not something that specific person has on its own. That means that you can have relationships where you are anxious but others where you are avoidant or safe and don't experience the anxious signs.
True!!!
Agree different people bring out different attachments styles in me. I find I am a mixture depending on partner in my life.
I relate to this.
Wow. I'm middle-aged and entering into a new relationship, possibly the first healthy one I've ever had (I seem to be a target for narcissists). And I hit all of these. I get so angry at myself for needing constant reassurances (to be fair at my age there are no uncomplicated relationships and credit as due, she does an amazing job of reassuring me). The intrusive, catastrophic thoughts drive me mad. Having anxiety attacks because I fully expect at any moment to find out she's flipped personalities and is not the woman I love. Again, to her credit (her past is more painful than mine) she gets that and we made an agreement to openly and honestly discuss our feelings and she does very well for me. I heard about this Anxious Attachment Syndrome and this explains it perfectly. Time to get well.
I could relate to some of that
😮 This is soooo me! Wow. I'm blown away bc I always thought I was just too broken. I feel this so strongly. I panic and go down a rabbit hole if I'm not texted/called back right away from close friends/family. I then start stalker texting numerous messages. I also tell myself stories about how these people are just not good people ... they're selfish, jerks, etc. As soon as they get back to me, I totally switch and feel relaxed and calm ... almost like I imagine needing a hit from a drug would be! I have often thought I would rather be needed than loved because then it's a guarantee that I wouldn't be abandoned or replaced. I have numerous good friends who love me unconditionally. However, I dismiss that fact and obsess about family members that I feel don't -- bc they no longer need me. I am definitely going to do this work shop! Thank you for all you do!
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your own story ❤
Knowing that im not alone gives me some bit of comfort. I find myself resonating with these comments
I did EMDR for my emotional neglect and anxious attachment style and it worked wonders. People think EMDR is largely designed for cases of acute, single-event PTSD but it honestly changed my life and me as a person. I feel like I have a strong voice in my dating life now, and very firm boundaries of what I will and won't accept. I would really recommend those with an anxious attachment to try and find an EMDR therapist who is capable of this, if you're finding dating and relationships way too much of an anxiety-filled experience (just like I did).
Can you share the website / email of your therapist please ?
I suspect my girlfriend of 2 months has this anxious attachment. Trauma dumping, asking me if I miss her, making it her mission to sort out my life (I don't have addictions but my life is messed up in other ways,) getting offended when I need to end a call after 2 hours. I'm concerned whether what we have is "real" or just desperation for it to be real
Me right now. I’m so exhausted and worn out.
Me too 🤦🏼♀️@@missexotic
I'm sorry that this is happening between you guys. Have you brought up this issue up with her? If already, how did she respond? Keep up the expressing boundaries and needs. Communication and especially learning how to is key.
Just express that and decide if it's something you want to work to make healthy or something you need to step back from
I can swing from anxious to avoidant depending on the person or situation. I had a dad who worked all the time and wasn’t loving at all. And my mom parentified and used me as her emotional support system all the damn time. Growing up my parents always fought. I simply did not have an emotionally safe home.
Now after a divorce and being abandoned, always being the people pleaser, I’m dating again. I have done a lot of therapy and knew I was a codependent. But it was until recently that I realized I have an anxious attachment and fear of rejection and abandonment.
I have been dating a woman for 6 months and realized I’m hyper sensitive to small changes in behavior. If she doesn’t text, or send memes, regularly I get anxious and ruminate. Which is a strange feeling as it’s completely unwarranted of no fault of her own. She’s literally one of the easiest people to be around and has a calming demeanor.
I of course am aware of these feelings and do not bother her with my anxiousness as I do not want to ruin this relationship. So I’m practicing mindfulness and trying to address my core wounds that cause this. It’s easier said than done.
Hey, that sounds like a disorganised or fearful avoidant attachment. That is tough. The struggle can feel endless. Mindfulness can be very helpful indeed. I wish you good luck on your healing journey.❤️🩹
Hey, im confused... so you can be both at the same time? Is that disorganized attachment style? I'm trying to figure out if im anxious, or both...
@@ERYInTrance For me it depends on the person. I definitely fell more anxious because I have abandonment issues that can make me feel insecure or seek validation. But I’m really good at burying it and keeping it to myself. God forbid I project that on anyone I care about.
Probably that best way to tell imo of you’re anxious is recognizing how you feel. Do you get anxious when they don’t respond right away. Do you seek and need their attention and validation. Do you get jealous. Are you hyper vigilant with the slightest changes in how they act and then catastrophize in your mind.
@ Oh I didn’t know our attachment can be switched depends on who we meet!??? Yes, I get anxious when there’s no response for some time and will overthink if they went out with someone else or if they are upset or angry with me, also when the communications patterns break I will overthink if they don’t feel much for me anymore (maybe if they say good morning daily and didn’t do it once), will think of the worst scenario to get myself prepared, get jealous easily, feel depressed when they leave and will try to get them back, blame myself, get clingy, and more.
Definitely anxious. But at the same time I’m not sure if I’m both anxious and avoidant. My psychologist told me she couldn’t tell yet as we only did 3 sessions. She said maybe both.
1. Constantly needing reassurance and validation from others.
2. We think we can only count on ourselves.
3. We have an intense fear of abandonment.
4. Emotional closeness - we people please, put others first, and take on a 'caretaker' role.
5. We struggle to place and uphold boundaries.
6. We can struggle with being alone.
7. We find ourselves jealous a lot.
I know that I have this attachment style but where it came from is a little different. Both my parents, especially my mom, were always there for me physically and emotionally. It almost got to the point that I didn’t care because I was so used to it. Whenever I moved to college and moved into a long distance relationship, I started really feeling the things mentioned in this video. It’s like I developed it because I was so used to overly focused and affectionate family that when I had significantly less of that, I felt this way.
Absolutely amazing video - this really helped me as i didnt know what was bothering me in my new relationship, (6 months on) i want it to work but before he went away for 5 weeks (he will be back in 3 weeks time) I was fine but feeling drained and worried - he became clingy, i had no energy left, and then when he went away i started to feel heartbroken and insecure, alcohol doesnt work for me. i came across anxiety attachment and your video was the first to appear - thank you , i now can start a healing journey again and make use of the next 3 weeks for myself to find myself again. This relationship is the first after a 10 year break from a previous one. I seen so much about myself in your video - Thank you
This has really shown me why I am the way I am. I am very self aware and knew that the way I feel emotions couldn’t be right. I also knew that I hated being alone and needed to hear from my partner every few seconds and it made me nervous when they hadn’t replied or called back, to the point where my heart would physically beat out of my chest when I’d see my partner online without him having replied my messages. I see now how unhealthy this is. And if I could fix my attachment style it might make me more secure in my relationship.
Are you good now??? This is literally me... kindly let me know....
This video is timely because I was researching anxious attachment and how to heal from it just yesterday.
My anxious attachment shows up in school. I feel like I need to contribute more in class and go above and beyond to make the teachers and other students see my value. I'm in a counseling masters degree program, and I love your videos!
Kati this was wonderful! I'm moving in with my long time long distance gf and I've noticed my anxious attachment issues flaring. I know this is due to the instability moving causes, and I'm able to "reel it in". Thank you for being part of the community and support system I have in place to help me grow into who I want to be❤
I'm in a new relationship and she is so incredible and pretty, like...wayyyy out of my league, so I find myself getting anxious when she doesn't answer my texts quickly or if I think she's not enjoying herself every second, because I worry she won't stick around. So I'm trying to learn how to stop doing this so I don't mess this up.
Totally unrelated to the video but love your blouse Kati!
I have never felt so seen, thank you.
This resonates big time. Thank you, this video was really eye opening.
Yes X 5 of 7- especially in needing a mother figure to replace mine. Someone I can be vulnerable with and on a positive side go on special trips with.
This is speaking volumes. I can't take criticism or verbal abuse, & I have a history of getting too attached to certain people . I've even been labelled a "stalker" by people I've been in relationships with. Strangely enough, I do enjoy my own company, my solitude. Having said that, I tend to shy away from relationships to prevent from getting hurt. My dad was away a lot, in the RN, & my mother had an affair with a US Airforce guy, my current stepfather. In the US, was in a relationship with an older woman as a teenager, that ended badly.
Could you be fearful avoidant?
I love you better than my therapist!! Thank god there is people like you ❤️❤️
Wow, you described me. I'm working on myself and in therapy to become more secure, especially because I'm hoping I don't screw up with a girl I'm currently dating.
Thanks! You’re the first one who at least talks in a normal and human way 😂 but it remains a draining experience realizing one has this anxious attachment style…in heavy limerence too and trying to start coping with cptsd again…❤️🙏🏽🍀✊🏽👍🏽
This video made me realize a lot about myself
Thank you for this! Had a very “interesting” past weekend with a friend (longtime family friend) and this helped me answer some bothersome questions I had in my head. Have a great week everyone 🩷
Just really wanted to say. Your videos have helped me so much since I was in college. Now I have graduated and still find your videos super helpful.
I’m curious about specifically Anxious-Avoidant attachment style because that’s what my test came up with for me. I feel connected with a lot of these points but less so in the clinginess, I’ll cling when I’m a little manic but usually I will accidentally ghost everyone because I can’t tell if they want to hear from me, I feel like my life updates are boring or stressful or redundant and idk how to connect with people when that’s happening so I just don’t bother them but then they rarely ever reach out to me even if we are in good terms and want to talk.
Your cadence is perfect and this video was simple and lovely.
Thank you.
Thank you for this video. I experience every point except being afraid to be alone actually, I prefer that maybe that’s because I’m used to it being an only child.
This describes me well and my ex to some extent.. I wish I had worked through this new information when we were together. 😢😢😢😢😢
I was only recently introduced to the concept of forms of attachment. I did an assessment and disorganized is mine. As I read through it, it fit me perfectly. It's helpful to get insights into what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and the impact it can have. Thanks for all of your videos!
You always hit the nail on the head with me. Thank you for saving lives! ❤❤❤
My biggest issue is the jealousy part, i dont have evidence but all these horrible thoughts come into my head which usually are worst case scenarios but now that i have found this as a "thing" im excited to dive in and do my research
I literally resonate to all of those "signs"
I never knew this existed and realise i had this in my relationship its hard to understand but i want to, heal and do better for myself
I'm glad inn not alone inn this I'm 62. Lost many friends because of this
Wow! I never knew this excisted until a couple of months ago. This video is on point and i can relate to most of these, especially #7!! 😭 Past experiences with my parents make sense too. How the heck do i heal from this? I'm in a romantic relationship and most of the time i am a mess. I hate it 😢
This found me today for a good reason. I feel I go through this.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for posting this. it made me feel less anxious to get some clarity as to the cause.
7/7 :) Altough number 6 is tricky for me, I like being alone, as in seeking solitude and being able to process everything around me. But I don't like to be alone for too long or when I think it's my place to gather people around me and they don't come; but this also ties in to number 1 and 7, too.
My parents were always there for me … very caring and supportive …. How did i become an anxious lover
This is really helpful!❤
Katie, could you please do a vid on avoidant attachment?
Yeah I identify with most of these. I still struggle with 3 of these. 3 others I have healed from. This stuff is a lot of work.
Thank you so much for this video. It has been quite eye-opening.
Thank you Kati. I had a moment today when I realized “this feeling or thought isn’t okay..but why?” And after researching I find your video. You literally described me, my actions and thoughts. Now I can start working on this. Thank you!
im an AA. i learned to improve my patience waiting for my DA ex to reply. initially it was an hour or two..slowly longer and longer till i couldnt take it. im out. im not an AA in other relationships. But strangely, i dont fear being alone. thank God!
Phew me in a nut shell! Im going to definitely seek therapy 🙏🏽💯 thanks for the information
If someone is anxiously attached, how much attention should they be given? They may say they always want more, but does this make their life better overall?
I ve been digging through attachment theories we learnt during our Psychology academic studies.Before I found this video I did think about the codependency issues tied to anxious attachment and it makes perfect sense.I do get why others would be getting jealous on coming in contact with me.Also, the same type of attachment explains it!
Thank you for this video and all the information in it. It feels like wake up call.
I'll let you know how many of these are my own traits for sure.
#1. This used to be me before YEARS of therapy! It still comes through in my cleaning business for sure though.
#2. For sure. Still working on my toxic independence.
#3. Used to be me for sure. I still do it from time to time.
To be continued...
You’re the best thanks for being there for me always
I have all of these but I love my alone time. I need it. I get sooo burnt out after a while with people. They're like plants I feel I have to water 24/7.
anxious attachment style: a phobia disorder including dysfunctional responsibility and socializing ineffective and inefficient.
I guess I am afraid to need people because they would abandon me or let me down.
I had to skip an ad lol.
#4. I started working on this when I got into recovery. I believe most addicts are also codependent.
#5. I'm getting so much better at upholding my boundaries. They used to be anything goes until nothing goes.
#6. I finally crave alone time but was so bad before.
#7. I used to think every guy was going to cheat. I didn't get jelious of friends having other friends because I had a friend show me how hurtful that was early on.
This video felt as if you were talking about me. I've never had a positive relationship with my mother and my father died when I was only 11. I married someone who was completely wrong for me but stayed for 30 years because I was afraid of being alone and unloved. When I divorced him he turned my (adult) children against me as retribution. Now I'm living the nightmare of being alone. I'm fighting to stay alive but I don't know why
Hi, how are you?
This is excellent information, and my partner strongly identified with a lot of what you said here. We were wondering if you were planning a video focusing on avoidant attachment as well? I think that tends to be more my style and I'm looking to better understand and improve. Thanks for your great content.
Im not the jealous type. I love when my partner is their for friends. But now that you mention it. I did get a little upset that he consecutively chose a over b. I think it took a lot for me to get their though. The discomfort some people have doesn't bother me, it's when I'm not shown consecutive effort that they care I get scared. And sadly I haven't had the best responses from partners in the past when I bring up my feelings. Switching over to today. I saw some effort to bring me out of my shell that the new person cares. Im not used to getting calm caring replies back when I'm hurt and want to run away. My last partner would always belittle me in conflicts. If I was upset he'd do his best to become overly sweet and funny to skip over addressing his behavior and fixing problems. The relationship was also abusive at points so that made me scared to address relationship problems too.
You can absolutely change your life, even if you have an anxious attachment style; self-awareness and the right strategies can help you build secure, balanced relationships
I wanna share this to be better understood by family. But I honestly don't feel like anyone would take the time to even listen to it. I'm at that point now 😕 Maybe they would take the time but something inside me is like it doesn't matter.
Man! It's so fun to deal with!! 😒
This is definitely true about me .
Feeling too called out lol. great video
Thank you for your 7 Signs of Anxious Attachment. Is this different from Avoidant Attachment? I got the impression they are highly related if not the same. If different, that would make a great video...
Youre so beautiful Kati! & Thank you for this excellent video.
Is it possible to have both anxious and fearful avoidant attachments? I can relate to both of those so I’m not sure which one I have or if it’s both
Woww i was looking for something else but i watched this video and i can see everything here in my self. It made me kind of sad to realise
My anxious attachment contributes to the imaginary friends I have as an adult! Bc I cannot be left alone. 👍
I just talk to myself or be goofy all by myself, I guess it's a coping mechanism. It's a mess 😒
Dang… this just felt like a giant call out post for me because most of this I’ve experienced on some level 😭
Same. Can’t fix what u don’t see n it’s only ur fault once u know it and don’t change it. The fact that you’re like this is bc of ur survival from dysfunctional relationships. So don’t beat urself up
🤗
Thank you so much for this video. I never realized how badly my childhood had affected me, even now as a 35-year-old. My mother and father both have undiagnosed mental illness, and they have substance abuse as well. I've recently had to distance myself from my family because my mother and sister have been invalidating me and trying to manipulate me. But in the meantime, I really do struggle with a lot of anxious attachment (every one of the 7) and I tend to take it out on my friends... even though a lot of the time it feels like I have no friends at all because they just don't get back to me when I am upset. I don't have anyone besides the Crisis Line to reach out to when I'm feeling out of control, and that thought scares me. Because it feels like, if they're my friends, then they should be there for me. You know? Isn't that what friends do? Instead, I just get ghosted a lot. Luckily enough, I have therapy this morning so I will bring up what I learned in this video to her. Thanks again for the great video, looking forward to the next ones. And sorry this is so long! XOXO
Whoa. I just realized that I relate too much to keep telling myself that I’m secure.
Lol same
I know I'm an anxious attachment but I prefer to be alone the majority of the time unless the person I'm co dependent on is close by, then I can have the tendency to suffocate them by not giving them time alone and personal space it so bad that if they are leaving the room I find an excuse to follow them to that room or be in that room or I will start a conversation or try to get hugs or something so they don't leave immediately.
Great video. I learned a lot.
Related so much with what you described💝
I love being alone and single, but the second I get into a relationship my anxious attachment comes surging to the surface. I’m very picky with who me I date so once I pick someone I feel like they’re perfect and I can’t lose them.
I got every kind of validation and reassurance from my parents, growing up. They praised me when they should have, encouraged me to pursue whatever I felt like, never made me feel ashamed for not being able to do as well as those other kids etc. They are the most supportive set of parents a person could get.
But I STILL am an anxiously attached person in romantic relationships. What could possibly explain that ? Could a lack of all these from the very first serious romantic partner in life be the reason ?
Thank you Kati.
Is it normal to feel or identify as a person with an anxious attachment style? But with only a specific person? I liked being alone before i fell for a romantic partner. I only find myself attaching to romantic partners. It takes me a long time to get over a person. It drains me 😢
I certainly know I'm struggling with this. I made a new friend 8 months or so ago. Definitely did the dump thing very early into the friendship. They were very understanding and have stuck around but at times I panic because they give me mixed messages like, one day they tell me they want to hang out more often but then a week later I barely hear from them and when I reach out to connect, they take hours to respond and give vague answers, as if they don't have the time for me. This is happening currently and I'm so confused as worried I did something wrong but I'm trying to remind myself it's all in my head and I'm over thinking things.
Same-a friend seemed like she was ghosting me, but figured she was probably going through stuff. I sent her an encouraging text or two then let her be and put my focus on other things. Weeks later she called me and let me know she was going through a tough time at work and didn’t want to be a drama Queen-I told her it was okay and that she can tell me that next time and I will be sure to give her that space she needs, but let her know I’m here for her. She agreed and we’re good. Not rocket science, but if you find someone who’s willing to meet you halfway and communicate with you-hold on to them!
Very helpful video
Glad you think so!
Please do a video on codependence and the friend zone
I just love you! Thank you for all what you do. 💜💜💜
super helpful
My gf is a fearful Avoidant and i'm Anxious, it's to difficult to maintain a healthy relationship since i'm the only trying to work on myself and fixing the issues...it's exhausting!!!
Great video ❤
I have a quick question about codependency with an addicted partner. What if the addiction came before your relationship or you didn't find out about it until after you started the relationship with them? Was it still codependent?
I was in a long distance relationship. My partner told me I have anxious attachment because I wanted us to talk to each everyday when possible. We broke up because I felt like he didn't wanted to spend any time with me. I'd be lucky if he called once a week ( even though he had plenty free time) i don't know if my expectations are unreasonable or was he just emotionally Avoidant and were Gaslighting me
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 this is a long distance relationship. You get to meet your husband once a week. We meet once a year. There were times when he didn't call or text for a month. I wouldn't even know if he is alive.
@@HARI25ablefuck that ! There has to be a conversation about meeting in the middle. You are expected to just adjust to their form of no communication and thats that?
I have a talent of ditching new friends I have.