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Hey Kati, can you please explain why I've been daydreaming and creating this fake life in my head for 4 years? I saw your video on dissociation, but I don''t think it's maladaptive daydreaming because I recognize what I'm doing in daily life and I'm still kinda connected. I've been making up this fake life in my head where I pretend to be somebody else who has a better life, but it doesn't get disrupted like maladaptive daydreaming. I can just go around what would otherwise disrupt it because it's all just in my head. Is this still maladaptive daydreaming, or do you think it's something else?
Just want to say that Anxious ppl are so sweet and kind and giving. I wish all Anxiously Attached people the best of luck in their healing because I know they can struggle with rejection, exclusion and abandonment wounds pretty badly ❤
Thank you, it really is hard having anxious attachment. I really have a hard time keeping relationships. I’m actually taking this year to myself for the first time in 19 years, so I’m hoping that with this alone time and really learning and educating myself that I’ll really have a better relationship next time.
I was emotionally neglected as a child. I've had depression since I was 4. Dad was always working and my mom was always taking care one of my siblings. I became a people pleaser because I couldn't develop any kind of relationships with anyone. As I got older I was desperate to be in a relationship. I wanted to count on someone so badly. I basically had to grow up and understand the world by myself.
I 100% understand. I didn't have a father. My mother was a good woman but a terrible mother. She never hit us or abused us. She gave us food, clothes, and shelter, but that's it. Everything else I had to learn on my own. There was no support. My problems were my problems and no one seemed to give a shit if I haven't said a word in weeks. If I was missing, no one came looking for me. I, too, became a people-pleaser. I, too, had to understand the world on my own. I, too, became love-starved and desperate for love and affection. My mom died a few years ago. I told her I loved her before she passed. But the truth is... I still hate her sometimes.
@@sirdopaminesjournal3292 I understand parents are people too, and nobody is perfect but I'm 35 and I'm barely finding someone who is actually helping me. I've lost so much of my life to these problems. I don't hate my parents but Im not close with them. All my siblings are married and have kids of their own so naturally they want to spend time with their grandkids. I feel like I've just been forgotten.
When I was little my mom would leave me with a family member for an extended period of time then take me back,but then one day she left me with my aunt and her husband to live with her boyfriend.we've made up after many years but I feel like that messed me up and caused my abandonment isssues,I'm scared to let people get too close and push away because I've been hurt so many times,trying to work through it but it's a struggle
This video hurt a lot and also made me realise that my whole character, and the way I interact with others, is because I am so petrified of being abandoned. I am overly loving and helpful - and although I always want to be caring, I want the fear to go away now as its been too long.
I knew I had anxious attachment already and I can confirm all of these points are indicators of anxious attachment. The only thing I would note about these points in the video is that attachment is more of a thing that occurs in a relationship between 2 people and not something that specific person has on its own. That means that you can have relationships where you are anxious but others where you are avoidant or safe and don't experience the anxious signs.
😮 This is soooo me! Wow. I'm blown away bc I always thought I was just too broken. I feel this so strongly. I panic and go down a rabbit hole if I'm not texted/called back right away from close friends/family. I then start stalker texting numerous messages. I also tell myself stories about how these people are just not good people ... they're selfish, jerks, etc. As soon as they get back to me, I totally switch and feel relaxed and calm ... almost like I imagine needing a hit from a drug would be! I have often thought I would rather be needed than loved because then it's a guarantee that I wouldn't be abandoned or replaced. I have numerous good friends who love me unconditionally. However, I dismiss that fact and obsess about family members that I feel don't -- bc they no longer need me. I am definitely going to do this work shop! Thank you for all you do!
Wow. I'm middle-aged and entering into a new relationship, possibly the first healthy one I've ever had (I seem to be a target for narcissists). And I hit all of these. I get so angry at myself for needing constant reassurances (to be fair at my age there are no uncomplicated relationships and credit as due, she does an amazing job of reassuring me). The intrusive, catastrophic thoughts drive me mad. Having anxiety attacks because I fully expect at any moment to find out she's flipped personalities and is not the woman I love. Again, to her credit (her past is more painful than mine) she gets that and we made an agreement to openly and honestly discuss our feelings and she does very well for me. I heard about this Anxious Attachment Syndrome and this explains it perfectly. Time to get well.
I did EMDR for my emotional neglect and anxious attachment style and it worked wonders. People think EMDR is largely designed for cases of acute, single-event PTSD but it honestly changed my life and me as a person. I feel like I have a strong voice in my dating life now, and very firm boundaries of what I will and won't accept. I would really recommend those with an anxious attachment to try and find an EMDR therapist who is capable of this, if you're finding dating and relationships way too much of an anxiety-filled experience (just like I did).
I suspect my girlfriend of 2 months has this anxious attachment. Trauma dumping, asking me if I miss her, making it her mission to sort out my life (I don't have addictions but my life is messed up in other ways,) getting offended when I need to end a call after 2 hours. I'm concerned whether what we have is "real" or just desperation for it to be real
I'm sorry that this is happening between you guys. Have you brought up this issue up with her? If already, how did she respond? Keep up the expressing boundaries and needs. Communication and especially learning how to is key.
I can swing from anxious to avoidant depending on the person or situation. I had a dad who worked all the time and wasn’t loving at all. And my mom parentified and used me as her emotional support system all the damn time. Growing up my parents always fought. I simply did not have an emotionally safe home. Now after a divorce and being abandoned, always being the people pleaser, I’m dating again. I have done a lot of therapy and knew I was a codependent. But it was until recently that I realized I have an anxious attachment and fear of rejection and abandonment. I have been dating a woman for 6 months and realized I’m hyper sensitive to small changes in behavior. If she doesn’t text, or send memes, regularly I get anxious and ruminate. Which is a strange feeling as it’s completely unwarranted of no fault of her own. She’s literally one of the easiest people to be around and has a calming demeanor. I of course am aware of these feelings and do not bother her with my anxiousness as I do not want to ruin this relationship. So I’m practicing mindfulness and trying to address my core wounds that cause this. It’s easier said than done.
Hey, that sounds like a disorganised or fearful avoidant attachment. That is tough. The struggle can feel endless. Mindfulness can be very helpful indeed. I wish you good luck on your healing journey.❤️🩹
I just met a new friend and was invited to her house for lunch and to do art. She had two other people there and I wound up over sharing my medical past, which is truly horrible. I promised myself that I would not over share about anything before I went, but I wound up doing it anyways. It was my first social engagement in many years(due to the medical issues). I am kind of mad at myself for letting myself down, and will try harder if (and when) I am invited ever again.
I would not have found it horrible, personally. I guess it depends on the person, maybe I'm weird, I don't know... I would have listened, maybe you don't have people to talk to ?? So it's normal to need to talk to someone. Don't feel SO bad about it , nothing horrible about it :) Have a good day أَتَمَنّى لَكَ يَوْماً سَعيداً!
This has really shown me why I am the way I am. I am very self aware and knew that the way I feel emotions couldn’t be right. I also knew that I hated being alone and needed to hear from my partner every few seconds and it made me nervous when they hadn’t replied or called back, to the point where my heart would physically beat out of my chest when I’d see my partner online without him having replied my messages. I see now how unhealthy this is. And if I could fix my attachment style it might make me more secure in my relationship.
Kati this was wonderful! I'm moving in with my long time long distance gf and I've noticed my anxious attachment issues flaring. I know this is due to the instability moving causes, and I'm able to "reel it in". Thank you for being part of the community and support system I have in place to help me grow into who I want to be❤
Absolutely amazing video - this really helped me as i didnt know what was bothering me in my new relationship, (6 months on) i want it to work but before he went away for 5 weeks (he will be back in 3 weeks time) I was fine but feeling drained and worried - he became clingy, i had no energy left, and then when he went away i started to feel heartbroken and insecure, alcohol doesnt work for me. i came across anxiety attachment and your video was the first to appear - thank you , i now can start a healing journey again and make use of the next 3 weeks for myself to find myself again. This relationship is the first after a 10 year break from a previous one. I seen so much about myself in your video - Thank you
I know that I have this attachment style but where it came from is a little different. Both my parents, especially my mom, were always there for me physically and emotionally. It almost got to the point that I didn’t care because I was so used to it. Whenever I moved to college and moved into a long distance relationship, I started really feeling the things mentioned in this video. It’s like I developed it because I was so used to overly focused and affectionate family that when I had significantly less of that, I felt this way.
My anxious attachment shows up in school. I feel like I need to contribute more in class and go above and beyond to make the teachers and other students see my value. I'm in a counseling masters degree program, and I love your videos!
This is speaking volumes. I can't take criticism or verbal abuse, & I have a history of getting too attached to certain people . I've even been labelled a "stalker" by people I've been in relationships with. Strangely enough, I do enjoy my own company, my solitude. Having said that, I tend to shy away from relationships to prevent from getting hurt. My dad was away a lot, in the RN, & my mother had an affair with a US Airforce guy, my current stepfather. In the US, was in a relationship with an older woman as a teenager, that ended badly.
I'm in a new relationship and she is so incredible and pretty, like...wayyyy out of my league, so I find myself getting anxious when she doesn't answer my texts quickly or if I think she's not enjoying herself every second, because I worry she won't stick around. So I'm trying to learn how to stop doing this so I don't mess this up.
Same. Can’t fix what u don’t see n it’s only ur fault once u know it and don’t change it. The fact that you’re like this is bc of ur survival from dysfunctional relationships. So don’t beat urself up
Thank you for this! Had a very “interesting” past weekend with a friend (longtime family friend) and this helped me answer some bothersome questions I had in my head. Have a great week everyone 🩷
I have all of these but I love my alone time. I need it. I get sooo burnt out after a while with people. They're like plants I feel I have to water 24/7.
Thanks! You’re the first one who at least talks in a normal and human way 😂 but it remains a draining experience realizing one has this anxious attachment style…in heavy limerence too and trying to start coping with cptsd again…❤️🙏🏽🍀✊🏽👍🏽
I’m curious about specifically Anxious-Avoidant attachment style because that’s what my test came up with for me. I feel connected with a lot of these points but less so in the clinginess, I’ll cling when I’m a little manic but usually I will accidentally ghost everyone because I can’t tell if they want to hear from me, I feel like my life updates are boring or stressful or redundant and idk how to connect with people when that’s happening so I just don’t bother them but then they rarely ever reach out to me even if we are in good terms and want to talk.
I can definitely relate to #6 "We struggle to be alone". I can be just fine during the day, but at night, I don't like being alone and wish I had a partner with me. Does anyone else get nighttime loneliness?
If someone is anxiously attached, how much attention should they be given? They may say they always want more, but does this make their life better overall?
Thank you Kati. I had a moment today when I realized “this feeling or thought isn’t okay..but why?” And after researching I find your video. You literally described me, my actions and thoughts. Now I can start working on this. Thank you!
im an AA. i learned to improve my patience waiting for my DA ex to reply. initially it was an hour or two..slowly longer and longer till i couldnt take it. im out. im not an AA in other relationships. But strangely, i dont fear being alone. thank God!
I have this anxious style of attachment. It hurt me alot. I do extremely pleasing to others due to my fear of loneliness but in return I got hurt against my feelings of love
I'll let you know how many of these are my own traits for sure. #1. This used to be me before YEARS of therapy! It still comes through in my cleaning business for sure though. #2. For sure. Still working on my toxic independence. #3. Used to be me for sure. I still do it from time to time. To be continued...
I was in a long distance relationship. My partner told me I have anxious attachment because I wanted us to talk to each everyday when possible. We broke up because I felt like he didn't wanted to spend any time with me. I'd be lucky if he called once a week ( even though he had plenty free time) i don't know if my expectations are unreasonable or was he just emotionally Avoidant and were Gaslighting me
I think some people just like their space to do their own thing. I live down the hill from my husband and we only hang out once a week.He is a hermit and likes to be alone, so I am making my own new life and doing my own thing.I hope that you find someone who matches your attachment syle. In the old days, my current relationship never would have worked for me, but because of my husband, I have become more independent, because I didn't have a choice,LOL
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 this is a long distance relationship. You get to meet your husband once a week. We meet once a year. There were times when he didn't call or text for a month. I wouldn't even know if he is alive.
@@HARI25ablefuck that ! There has to be a conversation about meeting in the middle. You are expected to just adjust to their form of no communication and thats that?
This video felt as if you were talking about me. I've never had a positive relationship with my mother and my father died when I was only 11. I married someone who was completely wrong for me but stayed for 30 years because I was afraid of being alone and unloved. When I divorced him he turned my (adult) children against me as retribution. Now I'm living the nightmare of being alone. I'm fighting to stay alive but I don't know why
I ve been digging through attachment theories we learnt during our Psychology academic studies.Before I found this video I did think about the codependency issues tied to anxious attachment and it makes perfect sense.I do get why others would be getting jealous on coming in contact with me.Also, the same type of attachment explains it!
Thank you for this video. I experience every point except being afraid to be alone actually, I prefer that maybe that’s because I’m used to it being an only child.
When love feels like waterboarding, you realize what you've always feared. You're fundamentally unlovable and it would be best for the world if you were left alone, lest you infect the good people. Same as it ever was.
7/7 :) Altough number 6 is tricky for me, I like being alone, as in seeking solitude and being able to process everything around me. But I don't like to be alone for too long or when I think it's my place to gather people around me and they don't come; but this also ties in to number 1 and 7, too.
I wanna share this to be better understood by family. But I honestly don't feel like anyone would take the time to even listen to it. I'm at that point now 😕 Maybe they would take the time but something inside me is like it doesn't matter. Man! It's so fun to deal with!! 😒
This sounds a lot like me, except I don't feel like it developed from parental trauma at all. It feels like a much more recent developement resulting from previous relationships.
I have a quick question about codependency with an addicted partner. What if the addiction came before your relationship or you didn't find out about it until after you started the relationship with them? Was it still codependent?
Thank you for your 7 Signs of Anxious Attachment. Is this different from Avoidant Attachment? I got the impression they are highly related if not the same. If different, that would make a great video...
I don't use to believe in this things.. until a girl talk to me for 1 day nicely and then I expect her to continue talking nicely. Then I knew something is off.
I know I'm an anxious attachment but I prefer to be alone the majority of the time unless the person I'm co dependent on is close by, then I can have the tendency to suffocate them by not giving them time alone and personal space it so bad that if they are leaving the room I find an excuse to follow them to that room or be in that room or I will start a conversation or try to get hugs or something so they don't leave immediately.
Oversharing about trauma is a way to reach rejection quickly. Not a bid to intensify connection. Ig look at it either way you want. But it's intended to reach rejection quickly.
This is excellent information, and my partner strongly identified with a lot of what you said here. We were wondering if you were planning a video focusing on avoidant attachment as well? I think that tends to be more my style and I'm looking to better understand and improve. Thanks for your great content.
I had to skip an ad lol. #4. I started working on this when I got into recovery. I believe most addicts are also codependent. #5. I'm getting so much better at upholding my boundaries. They used to be anything goes until nothing goes. #6. I finally crave alone time but was so bad before. #7. I used to think every guy was going to cheat. I didn't get jelious of friends having other friends because I had a friend show me how hurtful that was early on.
I get attached to someone and then the closeness scares me because I'm afraid of being clingy or needy that I try to push them away. Though I eventually get lonely or jealous that I attach again. This turns into a vicious cycle.
As somone who has just been through the trauma (I think) of having a loved one nearly die last week, and maybe facing long term health consequences, I think attachment gets affected by this as well. I have been the care giver before with my mom, and watched her decline. Now, I'm sometimes wondering if the same is happening with my brother-he was the one that almost died from a staph infection last week, resulting in having open heart surgery, and now he may be facing life long dialysis, and has been having seizures. My dad is also dead from a heart attack in 2020 (source of my PTSD), and part of me wonders if this cycle is just repeating itself in some way. I never really considered myself "close" to my brother, but he's still my brother. It's complicated......
Thank you so much for this video. I never realized how badly my childhood had affected me, even now as a 35-year-old. My mother and father both have undiagnosed mental illness, and they have substance abuse as well. I've recently had to distance myself from my family because my mother and sister have been invalidating me and trying to manipulate me. But in the meantime, I really do struggle with a lot of anxious attachment (every one of the 7) and I tend to take it out on my friends... even though a lot of the time it feels like I have no friends at all because they just don't get back to me when I am upset. I don't have anyone besides the Crisis Line to reach out to when I'm feeling out of control, and that thought scares me. Because it feels like, if they're my friends, then they should be there for me. You know? Isn't that what friends do? Instead, I just get ghosted a lot. Luckily enough, I have therapy this morning so I will bring up what I learned in this video to her. Thanks again for the great video, looking forward to the next ones. And sorry this is so long! XOXO
I don’t understand you’re saying anxious attachments makes people tend to be more independent, but next you’re saying they act needy I don’t understand
When i told my ex about my other ex what he did and how he was abusive and cheated on me with his ex..wasnt to speed up any form of connection..it was just to put the cards on the table..and surely enough he never told me about how he was talking to his ex. Idk man i feel like he shouldve told me about that relationship with his ex. So it wouldnt have cause misinterpretation later. Which it did.
I got every kind of validation and reassurance from my parents, growing up. They praised me when they should have, encouraged me to pursue whatever I felt like, never made me feel ashamed for not being able to do as well as those other kids etc. They are the most supportive set of parents a person could get. But I STILL am an anxiously attached person in romantic relationships. What could possibly explain that ? Could a lack of all these from the very first serious romantic partner in life be the reason ?
I'm thinking leaving my family because they have abuse me in the past. I have money now but I'm worried about their well-being and safety.i have only told my therapists, what should I do, should I I leave or go?
HOW DO I HELP MY 14 YEAR OLD change this attachment style ..I feel like it's a constant in her life and I want her to be able to be happy and healthy as an adult I don't understand how one of my kids has this attachment style ( she is 14) and the other has a secure attachment style. She is a HSP so I get it but I was always there for her and still am so Can this happen because her other parent wasn't consistent or dependable or she was ghosted by a very close family member at a young age and it took her a long time to get "over it" ( she never really did)? I feel so guilty that I did something wrong but regardless I want to help her
I certainly know I'm struggling with this. I made a new friend 8 months or so ago. Definitely did the dump thing very early into the friendship. They were very understanding and have stuck around but at times I panic because they give me mixed messages like, one day they tell me they want to hang out more often but then a week later I barely hear from them and when I reach out to connect, they take hours to respond and give vague answers, as if they don't have the time for me. This is happening currently and I'm so confused as worried I did something wrong but I'm trying to remind myself it's all in my head and I'm over thinking things.
If I think I am doing something wrong in a relationship, I come out and ask. Yesterday I found out that someone who had been ghosting me was doing it because of her own stuff going on.I thought it had something to do with me, but it didn't.
Same-a friend seemed like she was ghosting me, but figured she was probably going through stuff. I sent her an encouraging text or two then let her be and put my focus on other things. Weeks later she called me and let me know she was going through a tough time at work and didn’t want to be a drama Queen-I told her it was okay and that she can tell me that next time and I will be sure to give her that space she needs, but let her know I’m here for her. She agreed and we’re good. Not rocket science, but if you find someone who’s willing to meet you halfway and communicate with you-hold on to them!
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If you’re looking for healthier attachment, I’m hosting a 2 part live attachment workshop (both live and pre recorded). Visit here to learn more & sign up: katimorton.com/the-shop
Hey Kati, can you please explain why I've been daydreaming and creating this fake life in my head for 4 years? I saw your video on dissociation, but I don''t think it's maladaptive daydreaming because I recognize what I'm doing in daily life and I'm still kinda connected. I've been making up this fake life in my head where I pretend to be somebody else who has a better life, but it doesn't get disrupted like maladaptive daydreaming. I can just go around what would otherwise disrupt it because it's all just in my head. Is this still maladaptive daydreaming, or do you think it's something else?
Just want to say that Anxious ppl are so sweet and kind and giving. I wish all Anxiously Attached people the best of luck in their healing because I know they can struggle with rejection, exclusion and abandonment wounds pretty badly ❤
Thank you. Yes it is a bad feeling.
Thank you, it really is hard having anxious attachment. I really have a hard time keeping relationships. I’m actually taking this year to myself for the first time in 19 years, so I’m hoping that with this alone time and really learning and educating myself that I’ll really have a better relationship next time.
Thank you for valuing rather than rejecting us anxiously attached people.
Anxious gang let's go! 🙃
Thank you. This was such a loving thing to say
I’m fine with being alone. What throws me off is when I relent and let someone in and it doesn’t work out…then, I become a mess!
Same
Sameee 🥹🫠
Me too
Same here
I was emotionally neglected as a child. I've had depression since I was 4.
Dad was always working and my mom was always taking care one of my siblings.
I became a people pleaser because I couldn't develop any kind of relationships with anyone.
As I got older I was desperate to be in a relationship. I wanted to count on someone so badly.
I basically had to grow up and understand the world by myself.
I 100% understand.
I didn't have a father. My mother was a good woman but a terrible mother. She never hit us or abused us. She gave us food, clothes, and shelter, but that's it. Everything else I had to learn on my own. There was no support. My problems were my problems and no one seemed to give a shit if I haven't said a word in weeks. If I was missing, no one came looking for me.
I, too, became a people-pleaser. I, too, had to understand the world on my own. I, too, became love-starved and desperate for love and affection. My mom died a few years ago. I told her I loved her before she passed. But the truth is... I still hate her sometimes.
@@sirdopaminesjournal3292 I understand parents are people too, and nobody is perfect but I'm 35 and I'm barely finding someone who is actually helping me. I've lost so much of my life to these problems. I don't hate my parents but Im not close with them. All my siblings are married and have kids of their own so naturally they want to spend time with their grandkids. I feel like I've just been forgotten.
@@Diogenes741I hope you find your person and in the meantime I hope you find peace ❤
When I was little my mom would leave me with a family member for an extended period of time then take me back,but then one day she left me with my aunt and her husband to live with her boyfriend.we've made up after many years but I feel like that messed me up and caused my abandonment isssues,I'm scared to let people get too close and push away because I've been hurt so many times,trying to work through it but it's a struggle
This video hurt a lot and also made me realise that my whole character, and the way I interact with others, is because I am so petrified of being abandoned. I am overly loving and helpful - and although I always want to be caring, I want the fear to go away now as its been too long.
Me too😊
I knew I had anxious attachment already and I can confirm all of these points are indicators of anxious attachment. The only thing I would note about these points in the video is that attachment is more of a thing that occurs in a relationship between 2 people and not something that specific person has on its own. That means that you can have relationships where you are anxious but others where you are avoidant or safe and don't experience the anxious signs.
True!!!
Agree different people bring out different attachments styles in me. I find I am a mixture depending on partner in my life.
I relate to this.
I cried watching this video 💔 I hate that I was neglected as a child
I have a big issue with Ruminating. It hurts me all the time. It’s difficult to stop. I’d love to see a video on how to beat that cycle.
Me too!
I have a solution use maybe maybe not statement
Hi! It’s just an idea but hiking is proven to help specifically with rumination.
@@merebelrose677 thanks!
Omg, yes
I’d love to see a video specifically on how to manage a relationship when one (or both) people have an anxious attachment!
Yes , i would love to see one too
😮 This is soooo me! Wow. I'm blown away bc I always thought I was just too broken. I feel this so strongly. I panic and go down a rabbit hole if I'm not texted/called back right away from close friends/family. I then start stalker texting numerous messages. I also tell myself stories about how these people are just not good people ... they're selfish, jerks, etc. As soon as they get back to me, I totally switch and feel relaxed and calm ... almost like I imagine needing a hit from a drug would be! I have often thought I would rather be needed than loved because then it's a guarantee that I wouldn't be abandoned or replaced. I have numerous good friends who love me unconditionally. However, I dismiss that fact and obsess about family members that I feel don't -- bc they no longer need me. I am definitely going to do this work shop! Thank you for all you do!
Wow. I'm middle-aged and entering into a new relationship, possibly the first healthy one I've ever had (I seem to be a target for narcissists). And I hit all of these. I get so angry at myself for needing constant reassurances (to be fair at my age there are no uncomplicated relationships and credit as due, she does an amazing job of reassuring me). The intrusive, catastrophic thoughts drive me mad. Having anxiety attacks because I fully expect at any moment to find out she's flipped personalities and is not the woman I love. Again, to her credit (her past is more painful than mine) she gets that and we made an agreement to openly and honestly discuss our feelings and she does very well for me. I heard about this Anxious Attachment Syndrome and this explains it perfectly. Time to get well.
I could relate to some of that
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your own story ❤
I did EMDR for my emotional neglect and anxious attachment style and it worked wonders. People think EMDR is largely designed for cases of acute, single-event PTSD but it honestly changed my life and me as a person. I feel like I have a strong voice in my dating life now, and very firm boundaries of what I will and won't accept. I would really recommend those with an anxious attachment to try and find an EMDR therapist who is capable of this, if you're finding dating and relationships way too much of an anxiety-filled experience (just like I did).
Can you share the website / email of your therapist please ?
I suspect my girlfriend of 2 months has this anxious attachment. Trauma dumping, asking me if I miss her, making it her mission to sort out my life (I don't have addictions but my life is messed up in other ways,) getting offended when I need to end a call after 2 hours. I'm concerned whether what we have is "real" or just desperation for it to be real
Me right now. I’m so exhausted and worn out.
Me too 🤦🏼♀️@@missexotic
I'm sorry that this is happening between you guys. Have you brought up this issue up with her? If already, how did she respond? Keep up the expressing boundaries and needs. Communication and especially learning how to is key.
My anxious attachment contributes to the imaginary friends I have as an adult! Bc I cannot be left alone. 👍
I just talk to myself or be goofy all by myself, I guess it's a coping mechanism. It's a mess 😒
I can swing from anxious to avoidant depending on the person or situation. I had a dad who worked all the time and wasn’t loving at all. And my mom parentified and used me as her emotional support system all the damn time. Growing up my parents always fought. I simply did not have an emotionally safe home.
Now after a divorce and being abandoned, always being the people pleaser, I’m dating again. I have done a lot of therapy and knew I was a codependent. But it was until recently that I realized I have an anxious attachment and fear of rejection and abandonment.
I have been dating a woman for 6 months and realized I’m hyper sensitive to small changes in behavior. If she doesn’t text, or send memes, regularly I get anxious and ruminate. Which is a strange feeling as it’s completely unwarranted of no fault of her own. She’s literally one of the easiest people to be around and has a calming demeanor.
I of course am aware of these feelings and do not bother her with my anxiousness as I do not want to ruin this relationship. So I’m practicing mindfulness and trying to address my core wounds that cause this. It’s easier said than done.
Hey, that sounds like a disorganised or fearful avoidant attachment. That is tough. The struggle can feel endless. Mindfulness can be very helpful indeed. I wish you good luck on your healing journey.❤️🩹
Knowing that im not alone gives me some bit of comfort. I find myself resonating with these comments
I just met a new friend and was invited to her house for lunch and to do art. She had two other people there and I wound up over sharing my medical past, which is truly horrible. I promised myself that I would not over share about anything before I went, but I wound up doing it anyways. It was my first social engagement in many years(due to the medical issues). I am kind of mad at myself for letting myself down, and will try harder if (and when) I am invited ever again.
I would not have found it horrible, personally. I guess it depends on the person, maybe I'm weird, I don't know... I would have listened, maybe you don't have people to talk to ?? So it's normal to need to talk to someone. Don't feel SO bad about it , nothing horrible about it :) Have a good day أَتَمَنّى لَكَ يَوْماً سَعيداً!
Its the most horrible feeling, you finally let someone into your life & then the whole time you're worried that they'll walk out of it.
And you can hardly enjoy your time together because of all that worry.
This has really shown me why I am the way I am. I am very self aware and knew that the way I feel emotions couldn’t be right. I also knew that I hated being alone and needed to hear from my partner every few seconds and it made me nervous when they hadn’t replied or called back, to the point where my heart would physically beat out of my chest when I’d see my partner online without him having replied my messages. I see now how unhealthy this is. And if I could fix my attachment style it might make me more secure in my relationship.
Kati this was wonderful! I'm moving in with my long time long distance gf and I've noticed my anxious attachment issues flaring. I know this is due to the instability moving causes, and I'm able to "reel it in". Thank you for being part of the community and support system I have in place to help me grow into who I want to be❤
Absolutely amazing video - this really helped me as i didnt know what was bothering me in my new relationship, (6 months on) i want it to work but before he went away for 5 weeks (he will be back in 3 weeks time) I was fine but feeling drained and worried - he became clingy, i had no energy left, and then when he went away i started to feel heartbroken and insecure, alcohol doesnt work for me. i came across anxiety attachment and your video was the first to appear - thank you , i now can start a healing journey again and make use of the next 3 weeks for myself to find myself again. This relationship is the first after a 10 year break from a previous one. I seen so much about myself in your video - Thank you
I know that I have this attachment style but where it came from is a little different. Both my parents, especially my mom, were always there for me physically and emotionally. It almost got to the point that I didn’t care because I was so used to it. Whenever I moved to college and moved into a long distance relationship, I started really feeling the things mentioned in this video. It’s like I developed it because I was so used to overly focused and affectionate family that when I had significantly less of that, I felt this way.
This video is timely because I was researching anxious attachment and how to heal from it just yesterday.
I guess I am afraid to need people because they would abandon me or let me down.
I have never felt so seen, thank you.
My anxious attachment shows up in school. I feel like I need to contribute more in class and go above and beyond to make the teachers and other students see my value. I'm in a counseling masters degree program, and I love your videos!
This is speaking volumes. I can't take criticism or verbal abuse, & I have a history of getting too attached to certain people . I've even been labelled a "stalker" by people I've been in relationships with. Strangely enough, I do enjoy my own company, my solitude. Having said that, I tend to shy away from relationships to prevent from getting hurt. My dad was away a lot, in the RN, & my mother had an affair with a US Airforce guy, my current stepfather. In the US, was in a relationship with an older woman as a teenager, that ended badly.
I'm in a new relationship and she is so incredible and pretty, like...wayyyy out of my league, so I find myself getting anxious when she doesn't answer my texts quickly or if I think she's not enjoying herself every second, because I worry she won't stick around. So I'm trying to learn how to stop doing this so I don't mess this up.
anxious attachment style: a phobia disorder including dysfunctional responsibility and socializing ineffective and inefficient.
Totally unrelated to the video but love your blouse Kati!
This resonates big time. Thank you, this video was really eye opening.
Dang… this just felt like a giant call out post for me because most of this I’ve experienced on some level 😭
Same. Can’t fix what u don’t see n it’s only ur fault once u know it and don’t change it. The fact that you’re like this is bc of ur survival from dysfunctional relationships. So don’t beat urself up
🤗
I love you better than my therapist!! Thank god there is people like you ❤️❤️
Thank you for this! Had a very “interesting” past weekend with a friend (longtime family friend) and this helped me answer some bothersome questions I had in my head. Have a great week everyone 🩷
Yes X 5 of 7- especially in needing a mother figure to replace mine. Someone I can be vulnerable with and on a positive side go on special trips with.
I have all of these but I love my alone time. I need it. I get sooo burnt out after a while with people. They're like plants I feel I have to water 24/7.
Thanks! You’re the first one who at least talks in a normal and human way 😂 but it remains a draining experience realizing one has this anxious attachment style…in heavy limerence too and trying to start coping with cptsd again…❤️🙏🏽🍀✊🏽👍🏽
I'm glad inn not alone inn this I'm 62. Lost many friends because of this
I’m curious about specifically Anxious-Avoidant attachment style because that’s what my test came up with for me. I feel connected with a lot of these points but less so in the clinginess, I’ll cling when I’m a little manic but usually I will accidentally ghost everyone because I can’t tell if they want to hear from me, I feel like my life updates are boring or stressful or redundant and idk how to connect with people when that’s happening so I just don’t bother them but then they rarely ever reach out to me even if we are in good terms and want to talk.
Phew me in a nut shell! Im going to definitely seek therapy 🙏🏽💯 thanks for the information
You always hit the nail on the head with me. Thank you for saving lives! ❤❤❤
This video made me realize a lot about myself
Katie, could you please do a vid on avoidant attachment?
I can definitely relate to #6 "We struggle to be alone". I can be just fine during the day, but at night, I don't like being alone and wish I had a partner with me. Does anyone else get nighttime loneliness?
Just really wanted to say. Your videos have helped me so much since I was in college. Now I have graduated and still find your videos super helpful.
This is really helpful!❤
This describes me well and my ex to some extent.. I wish I had worked through this new information when we were together. 😢😢😢😢😢
This found me today for a good reason. I feel I go through this.
Thank you!
If someone is anxiously attached, how much attention should they be given? They may say they always want more, but does this make their life better overall?
Thank you for this video and all the information in it. It feels like wake up call.
Thank you Kati. I had a moment today when I realized “this feeling or thought isn’t okay..but why?” And after researching I find your video. You literally described me, my actions and thoughts. Now I can start working on this. Thank you!
im an AA. i learned to improve my patience waiting for my DA ex to reply. initially it was an hour or two..slowly longer and longer till i couldnt take it. im out. im not an AA in other relationships. But strangely, i dont fear being alone. thank God!
Yeah I identify with most of these. I still struggle with 3 of these. 3 others I have healed from. This stuff is a lot of work.
Your cadence is perfect and this video was simple and lovely.
Thank you.
I have this anxious style of attachment. It hurt me alot. I do extremely pleasing to others due to my fear of loneliness but in return I got hurt against my feelings of love
I just love you! Thank you for all what you do. 💜💜💜
I'll let you know how many of these are my own traits for sure.
#1. This used to be me before YEARS of therapy! It still comes through in my cleaning business for sure though.
#2. For sure. Still working on my toxic independence.
#3. Used to be me for sure. I still do it from time to time.
To be continued...
I was in a long distance relationship. My partner told me I have anxious attachment because I wanted us to talk to each everyday when possible. We broke up because I felt like he didn't wanted to spend any time with me. I'd be lucky if he called once a week ( even though he had plenty free time) i don't know if my expectations are unreasonable or was he just emotionally Avoidant and were Gaslighting me
I think some people just like their space to do their own thing. I live down the hill from my husband and we only hang out once a week.He is a hermit and likes to be alone, so I am making my own new life and doing my own thing.I hope that you find someone who matches your attachment syle. In the old days, my current relationship never would have worked for me, but because of my husband, I have become more independent, because I didn't have a choice,LOL
@@smallhouseinthemeadow6131 this is a long distance relationship. You get to meet your husband once a week. We meet once a year. There were times when he didn't call or text for a month. I wouldn't even know if he is alive.
@@HARI25ablefuck that ! There has to be a conversation about meeting in the middle. You are expected to just adjust to their form of no communication and thats that?
I literally resonate to all of those "signs"
This video felt as if you were talking about me. I've never had a positive relationship with my mother and my father died when I was only 11. I married someone who was completely wrong for me but stayed for 30 years because I was afraid of being alone and unloved. When I divorced him he turned my (adult) children against me as retribution. Now I'm living the nightmare of being alone. I'm fighting to stay alive but I don't know why
Hi, how are you?
Whoa. I just realized that I relate too much to keep telling myself that I’m secure.
Lol same
I ve been digging through attachment theories we learnt during our Psychology academic studies.Before I found this video I did think about the codependency issues tied to anxious attachment and it makes perfect sense.I do get why others would be getting jealous on coming in contact with me.Also, the same type of attachment explains it!
My attachment style is nonexistent. I avoid everyone. I do not even have friends.
You’re the best thanks for being there for me always
Thank you for this video. I experience every point except being afraid to be alone actually, I prefer that maybe that’s because I’m used to it being an only child.
When love feels like waterboarding, you realize what you've always feared.
You're fundamentally unlovable and it would be best for the world if you were left alone, lest you infect the good people.
Same as it ever was.
7/7 :) Altough number 6 is tricky for me, I like being alone, as in seeking solitude and being able to process everything around me. But I don't like to be alone for too long or when I think it's my place to gather people around me and they don't come; but this also ties in to number 1 and 7, too.
Thank you so much for posting this. it made me feel less anxious to get some clarity as to the cause.
Thank you so much for this video. It has been quite eye-opening.
I wanna share this to be better understood by family. But I honestly don't feel like anyone would take the time to even listen to it. I'm at that point now 😕 Maybe they would take the time but something inside me is like it doesn't matter.
Man! It's so fun to deal with!! 😒
This sounds a lot like me, except I don't feel like it developed from parental trauma at all. It feels like a much more recent developement resulting from previous relationships.
Is it possible to have both anxious and fearful avoidant attachments? I can relate to both of those so I’m not sure which one I have or if it’s both
I have a quick question about codependency with an addicted partner. What if the addiction came before your relationship or you didn't find out about it until after you started the relationship with them? Was it still codependent?
Thank you for your 7 Signs of Anxious Attachment. Is this different from Avoidant Attachment? I got the impression they are highly related if not the same. If different, that would make a great video...
I don't use to believe in this things.. until a girl talk to me for 1 day nicely and then I expect her to continue talking nicely. Then I knew something is off.
Please do a video on codependence and the friend zone
I know I'm an anxious attachment but I prefer to be alone the majority of the time unless the person I'm co dependent on is close by, then I can have the tendency to suffocate them by not giving them time alone and personal space it so bad that if they are leaving the room I find an excuse to follow them to that room or be in that room or I will start a conversation or try to get hugs or something so they don't leave immediately.
Oversharing about trauma is a way to reach rejection quickly. Not a bid to intensify connection. Ig look at it either way you want. But it's intended to reach rejection quickly.
This is excellent information, and my partner strongly identified with a lot of what you said here. We were wondering if you were planning a video focusing on avoidant attachment as well? I think that tends to be more my style and I'm looking to better understand and improve. Thanks for your great content.
Do you think anxious attachment is particularly high in kids who’ve been in the foster care system?
I had to skip an ad lol.
#4. I started working on this when I got into recovery. I believe most addicts are also codependent.
#5. I'm getting so much better at upholding my boundaries. They used to be anything goes until nothing goes.
#6. I finally crave alone time but was so bad before.
#7. I used to think every guy was going to cheat. I didn't get jelious of friends having other friends because I had a friend show me how hurtful that was early on.
Youre so beautiful Kati! & Thank you for this excellent video.
I get attached to someone and then the closeness scares me because I'm afraid of being clingy or needy that I try to push them away. Though I eventually get lonely or jealous that I attach again. This turns into a vicious cycle.
As somone who has just been through the trauma (I think) of having a loved one nearly die last week, and maybe facing long term health consequences, I think attachment gets affected by this as well. I have been the care giver before with my mom, and watched her decline. Now, I'm sometimes wondering if the same is happening with my brother-he was the one that almost died from a staph infection last week, resulting in having open heart surgery, and now he may be facing life long dialysis, and has been having seizures. My dad is also dead from a heart attack in 2020 (source of my PTSD), and part of me wonders if this cycle is just repeating itself in some way. I never really considered myself "close" to my brother, but he's still my brother. It's complicated......
Thank you so much for this video. I never realized how badly my childhood had affected me, even now as a 35-year-old. My mother and father both have undiagnosed mental illness, and they have substance abuse as well. I've recently had to distance myself from my family because my mother and sister have been invalidating me and trying to manipulate me. But in the meantime, I really do struggle with a lot of anxious attachment (every one of the 7) and I tend to take it out on my friends... even though a lot of the time it feels like I have no friends at all because they just don't get back to me when I am upset. I don't have anyone besides the Crisis Line to reach out to when I'm feeling out of control, and that thought scares me. Because it feels like, if they're my friends, then they should be there for me. You know? Isn't that what friends do? Instead, I just get ghosted a lot. Luckily enough, I have therapy this morning so I will bring up what I learned in this video to her. Thanks again for the great video, looking forward to the next ones. And sorry this is so long! XOXO
My parents were always there for me … very caring and supportive …. How did i become an anxious lover
I don’t understand you’re saying anxious attachments makes people tend to be more independent, but next you’re saying they act needy I don’t understand
Related so much with what you described💝
This is the first time I've heard it called this.ever
When i told my ex about my other ex what he did and how he was abusive and cheated on me with his ex..wasnt to speed up any form of connection..it was just to put the cards on the table..and surely enough he never told me about how he was talking to his ex. Idk man i feel like he shouldve told me about that relationship with his ex. So it wouldnt have cause misinterpretation later. Which it did.
I have anxious attachment in romantic relationships, but I’m kinda avoidant with my friends and family 🤔
100% same
This is definitely true about me .
I got every kind of validation and reassurance from my parents, growing up. They praised me when they should have, encouraged me to pursue whatever I felt like, never made me feel ashamed for not being able to do as well as those other kids etc. They are the most supportive set of parents a person could get.
But I STILL am an anxiously attached person in romantic relationships. What could possibly explain that ? Could a lack of all these from the very first serious romantic partner in life be the reason ?
I'm thinking leaving my family because they have abuse me in the past. I have money now but I'm worried about their well-being and safety.i have only told my therapists, what should I do, should I I leave or go?
Nailed me......yup
Thank you Kati.
Great video. I learned a lot.
HOW DO I HELP MY 14 YEAR OLD change this attachment style ..I feel like it's a constant in her life and I want her to be able to be happy and healthy as an adult
I don't understand how one of my kids has this attachment style ( she is 14) and the other has a secure attachment style. She is a HSP so I get it but I was always there for her and still am so
Can this happen because her other parent wasn't consistent or dependable or she was ghosted by a very close family member at a young age and it took her a long time to get "over it" ( she never really did)?
I feel so guilty that I did something wrong but regardless I want to help her
I certainly know I'm struggling with this. I made a new friend 8 months or so ago. Definitely did the dump thing very early into the friendship. They were very understanding and have stuck around but at times I panic because they give me mixed messages like, one day they tell me they want to hang out more often but then a week later I barely hear from them and when I reach out to connect, they take hours to respond and give vague answers, as if they don't have the time for me. This is happening currently and I'm so confused as worried I did something wrong but I'm trying to remind myself it's all in my head and I'm over thinking things.
If I think I am doing something wrong in a relationship, I come out and ask. Yesterday I found out that someone who had been ghosting me was doing it because of her own stuff going on.I thought it had something to do with me, but it didn't.
Same-a friend seemed like she was ghosting me, but figured she was probably going through stuff. I sent her an encouraging text or two then let her be and put my focus on other things. Weeks later she called me and let me know she was going through a tough time at work and didn’t want to be a drama Queen-I told her it was okay and that she can tell me that next time and I will be sure to give her that space she needs, but let her know I’m here for her. She agreed and we’re good. Not rocket science, but if you find someone who’s willing to meet you halfway and communicate with you-hold on to them!