The worst thing than being lonely is being married to the wrong person I would rather be lonely and fill it up with my own happiness in my own good friends than to be married with an Narc. Did you know it's well-known documented that if you married the wrong person it shortens your life by about one-third wow isn't that crazy
Silence is the best weapon against narcissism. Information is ammunition for the narcissist, by continously replying and talking to a narcissist you give them ammunition. Silence makes them malfunction.
The best weapon again a narcissist is to once you identify that you are dealing with one (and this is the most difficult part ...it's like finding what is making you sick ,once you know what you are dealing with you get empowered to start making changes, everything start making sense) pack your bags and live without warning and never look back .
My boundaries came naturally with healing even still in the relationship. He was unable to get his fix even though my body was still there. He left. No contact a consequence without drama.
I left my husband after 44 years. New friends I have made do not understand what he was like and I couldn't explain. After seeing this video I feel vindicated and can now explain what a NPD does to a person without laying a hand on them.
I’m so sorry, but so glad you are out. I got a divorce after 32 years. It was personality disorder throughout the family. My husband would see and hear his siblings being rude or lying and he would believe them over me.....the last year of my own realization, I found he would hug his sisters, but never touched, hugged or kissed me....thank God for strength to get out. Blessings be yours, I hope you can love yourself now and find a new chapter in your life💕
Family would be sitting at dinner table and time after time my mother would waltz in and announce I would be schizophrenics before she would because it skips generations. Needless to say my grandmother was manicdepressive. But she called her schizophrenics. My mother was a narc to the core spoiled by her father
@@dawnanderson4967 But remember you did not make them the creatures they are. You do not deserve their abuse. No-one does. Keep away from them. I do not care that they didn't do it to themselves. No-one deserves their abuse.
In my experience with narcissists they know they have no self esteem but their ego will not let them experience insecurity. And them insulting people isn't necessarily true. In fact the narcissists I knew will call someone ugly when they weren't ugly...call them fat when they weren't. It's like they invent flaws.
I find it amazing to try to talk to someone that's a narcissist. Their lack of empathy makes them boring, also there's something missing when a person is a know-it-all and thinks they have the answers when all they are is obnoxious and don't know where they are missing it! If you try to explain it only makes them angry and it hurts their ego! They don't have time they're too busy being important which is only one dimension. It feels like they're missing the dimensions it takes to connect with people
It took half my life to realize I was a victim, enabler and now a survivor of 3 extreme pathological narcissists. One after the other. From Childhood into Adulthood into Motherhood. I'm a magnet to narcissists because of my own naivety, wounds and patterns. It has nearly destroyed me a few times...but lucky for me ...I am a warrior. Now, my Narsism radar is getting stronger every day, I have a lot of compassion for them but iron fast boundaries. They are charming, magnetic and talented. Every bad thing that's ever happened to them is someone else's fault. It's always the other person that is crazy, the ex that was pshyco, and they remain looking quite innocent. They get cold or angry when called out and attack when being held accountable. They always turn it around so you crazy or wrong for bringing the issue up. They are always boosting themselves up and putting others down. Always looking for roles where they are the best. They orchestrate scenarios to be the one praised. Sometimes the most subtle of ways. They seem so loving, giving, kind ... and the deception begins. You'll find they try and divide people from different parts or stages in their lives rather than bring them together which might result in their cover being blown. Divide to conquer. When you're eyes are open you can't un-see. When the soul spies the danger it can not rest. No one will believe you. To fight it is to cause more harm because these guys will stop at nothing to save face. Do not beg, do not run but rather...raise your head and gracefully walk away. You may be wounded but you have already won by having a life free-er from them.
Ac76543211 ....... its impossible to compete with a third person in a relationship.......you were the third person (hope you can laugh about my comment) ...... i was with one 14 years (rollercoaster ride)
+Aishwarya Reddy Actually, I was not in love with him by the time I showed him the door due to his cheating on me, stealing from me, lying to me, He chipped away at my love for him, However, I still do not understand your reasoning and if you would care to expound upon it, I would love to hear it.
The narcissist in my life was able to recall every traumatizing event in their life. Even from childhood. They want to be the victim and I think that is one way to pull in empathizers into their game.
mariel campos I agree who hasn’t had some type of trauma or neglect in their childhood I think they use it as an excuse andthey don’t give a damn about trying to get help It’s always someone else’s fault
Wow you commentators are so smart (since you know for sure every thing and every reason for everyone else's behavior I don't know why your hanging around and hanging on to a.ross Rosenberg awesome evaluation of narccisitic core shame and reason albeit dysfunction
How do you avoid getting into arguments with a narcissist?? They will leave you feeling insane because they will never take ownership of their faults. It's extremely frustrating!!
Broken record technique. Keep your comments trimmed down to a soundbite and don't allow the narc to derail you from it. When you start going crazy the narc views this as a sign that you love them. (It's really weird and twisted but the easiest way to understand it is to think of a child who acts out to get their parent's attention). You can also read "I'm Ok, You're Ok," a book about transactional analysis. Everyone communicates with others from the perspective of a parent/child/adult.. Depending on who they are in communication with. A narc will act like a child to get a reaction out of you. After you give them the "right reaction" they will think they have turned the tables (usually after you blow up) making them "the parent" and you "the dependent". Its super convoluted logic that I believe there might also be ties to ADD because people with that disorder will also engender fights to trigger their prefrontal cortex (via an adrenaline and cortisol rush). You also have to ask yourself what kind of narc you are dealing with? Is their narcissism fueled by an extreme underlying fear of abandonment? If so, there might be some level of an identity disorder at play which will keep the parent/child/adult roles ceaselessly shifting. In other words, if there is comorbidity involved, dealing with the narc (especially if they do not want any help) can get VERY complicated. It may even be time to move on if you are not equipped to A. handle it or B. Accept the position of lifetime narcissistic supplier/enabler.
The truth is that bullies are bullies simply because it works for them, and people who hurt others will make up any excuse in order to deflect responsibility. Character disordered people are not victims. And codependent people don't need psychologists to help them feel sorry for their abusers, they already are quite good at that.
To promote the fact the all bullies are bullies because they are hurt is simply wrong. The idea of a bully's motives come can come many different roots. It can be pottenttialy because they are hurt and they are continuing the cycle of bullying, or it can be just the rush of pursiing the seat of authority which does feel great. It can also be just because they enjoy themselves and an individual with a fixed personality and they assume there seat of authority. It can also be that they are just mean people, naturally. Bullying comes from many roots and it is wrong to just assume that all blullies come from the same incorrect origin.
I was in part-time therapy for 16 years. My therapist once asked my parents to come & do 6 sessions so he could help them better understand me. My narcissistic father said, "No, I don't need a professional to tell me about my daughter. I know her [he did not]." My mother, who was afraid of him, agreed & said No. I never had a chance at reconciliation because my father was so invested in his view of me & would not let a professional educate him. I was a Bad Daughter & a Disappointment to him until his death because his narcissism would allow nothing else. Narcissism is extremely damaging to the people around them. Please don't give people false hope that a narcissist can be cured.
Xander Taylor thanks. beautifully expressed. There is no hope they'll change. Amputees don't grow new limbs. prosthetic empathy is what they already have and it's what makes them dangerous
People can change for the better I feel sorry for anybody who thinks it's impossible. If your granddaddy abuse you sexually why does somebody else have to bear the brunch of it. Why is this story void of hope it's of hope and change change with Is God's help. There hasn't been one word about contacting interacting the partner just getting rid of them. Why not give them at least a If chance and keep Compromise instead of conflict in mind. Everyone needs to look at their own Problems and be responsible For their part. Compromise compromise compromise.
@@outofthegoldfishbowletcete762 Sam Vaknin has a modal for npd people he's gotta long list now, but it only cures the supply side so far.. Just saying incase anyone needs any further help with npd people..
I think a narcissist despises weak people because they feel like they have conquered their own weakness. This is really detrimental when the narcissist is a parent and their victim is a child, because a child can't help being weak and vulnerable.
+barbara henninger This comment honestly perfectly descibes me as a person. If someone isnt outgoing or is shy, i just would rather to want to be around them.
An example of malignant narcissism: I went to the doctor with my husband; he is a narcissist. I was given bad news; possible systemic cancer. We went from the facility to the car, at which time he stated: "I have to get a death policy for you." There was no support at all; there never is, but that was especially cold. I don't think he can begin to understand this problem he has; it hurts others. He has continually buried me before a final diagnosis. It is about him, not me. If anything, I can take the cancer better than I can the negative, selfish concern for himself and how it is "affecting him." Don't absorb; ignore, as Dr. Ross says. Thank God I have the faith I do.
the physical cancer is an outpicturing of his emotional abuse. He is a cancer on you.....just eating you alive....feeding off of your emotional responses to his cold remarks.
Dear Denise I hope you are recovering from the cancer you wrote of in your post of four months ago. I wish there was a cure for that and for narcissists like your hard hearted husband. I do hope you are doing much better and will be blessed with good health again soon. May God keep you in his care.
I have a father who would of respond like your husband. I’m so sorry you must be in shock. Remember it has nothing to do with you. Keep your faith in god strong ... 🙏they are the most cold hearted, non compassion people alive.
Denise Horn I hope you found physical healing and left that relationship. 💕 A metaphysical cause of cancer or chronic illness can come from emotional trauma. I hope you left your emotional abuser & have since healed both physically & emotionally.
I have just broken up with a covert narcissist. At least I believe she was. I have been watching many videos on the disorder and what happens to people involved with a narcissist. I am amazed at how easily I was sucked in but also when I was shown the patterns it has given me great comfort to know I am not crazy.
What really shocked me about the pathological covert narcissist in my life is the degree of passive-aggressive retribution when I SLIGHTLY called out on his inappropriate behavior. He looked for his chance, waited for the right opportunity to wreck my reputation and esteem in the eyes of the group (in this case, family) and went for it as hard as he could. No empathy, no loyalty.... revenge. Stunning contrast to his kind facade.
I have a mother who is narcissistic. She takes over my entire life literally. Always putting me into false hope, denial, self-shame and guilt. She would claim to offer me support, only to put me down the next minute. Any friends and lovers I have are perceived as enemies to her. She always thinks I am plotting with someone against her, and I should oblige to the duty as a daughter to fulfill her entitled position as a divine mother. I have lost my childhood, my youth, my education and my social networks to my mother because I believe in her getting better and I trust her. However, years of lies and belittlement beat me to the rock bottom, where I decide to see light within the darkest of days. I am going to survive this. I hope anyone of you who is facing narcissism would not give up. You have so much to offer to this world. Narcissists are not your entire world.
I feel you. Literally everything you have said is what I am going through. My mom is the same as yours. Maybe we can chat? Add me on Facebook or something, Bergen Clifford. Im from South Africa.
You can be confident without ego, narcissists are completely based on ego. You can be observant, intelligent, and moral with FULL CAPABILITIES to see low self esteem, manipulation, deceit, WITHOUT being any of those things. Narcissists are always self serving and are social, which means they are always competing, manipulating, self serving, so NO there is no such thing as a healthy benign narc. Go towards self acceptance, self love, and being who you are- you'll find your morals, you'll become sensitive to what is Just and Good, opposed to unbalanced and insecure people. And NO, it does not mean your a negative person because you can spot it. ( just as you can spot an obvious hustler, doesn't mean you are one ) Work on your character, have integrity in everything you do cause YOU did it, be proud of yourself when you make balanced choices, be honest (at least with yourself), don't be afraid of humility (it happens to everyone all day, everyday) and trust yourself.
So spot on! my wife of 25 years is a narcissist. Multiple times she practiced infidelity and each time it was my fault. I kept feeling sorry for her and took her back 4 different times. The last and final time I set boundaries. Basically told her that she has sailed the ship for 20 plus years. Her ship has sunk and I'm the captain now. After about a week of that speech she baited me onto a verbal argument. Called the police to try and have me arrested. The officers told her no arrest and she freaked out. She left and obtained a protective order. my daughter and I were removed from the home. I challenged the order and in her testimony said how o broke a stick across her leg, constant physical abuse as well as mental abuse. my retort to this was I have no arrest record what so ever, while she has multiple. I told the judge do you believe that she would not have called the police if I was ever physical? I mean, she called the police for a verbal. The protective order was dropped. She moved out and back to one of her flings (who I might add successfully obtained a long term protective order against her). Good luck and good riddance to her! No more... I'm done!
Susan, there are two sides to each coin. Stop looking at him already (no sense in that anyway) and start the heck looking at Your part - the only part You can rightfully influence.
jumping jobs is not a characteristic of all narcs.-- the ones i met stay in high money jobs, and flash their money around, and drive fancy cars. materialism is the focus.
YES!!!! Materialism IS the whole focus.my sis-who is the narcissist - has always had a good job.she has invested 40 yrs ' crafting' a FACADE (at her work). I'm seriously am thinking about exposing her publicly.and I think she will disintegrate.
Gorilla Twist....I've experienced two narcissists with two job histories. My ex-husband, ex narcissist, has had the same job for 16 years. He's good at what he does. This narc was the work a holic type and material positions were always important. He wanted to have the best of the best in some things. Buying things to buy someone's love was also something he did. He also over extended himself financially. The second narcissist has had multiple jobs all of his life. He loves money sure and material items are of importance. But when one has a job you have to be on time and work under some management, rules need to be followed. This type of narc gets fired or gets offended if they're singled out over an issue at work. This type of narc burns bridges. They over extend themselves fincially. If possible they become reliant on someone that will cater to their financial needs.
Marie Halsey I have also met both types. My mother in law is the latter you were talking about. She never keeps a job for long and is horrible at managing money. She's always trying to get money from her ex and children.
I have been listening a lot to you and Lisa Romano and am encouraged to get proper coaching from a life coach/counselor. I am a single mom with two kids and i still have to live with my mom and siblings since i still need to save for my own place. I am continually challenged to make ends meet for my kids but I manage to provide for their needs like school and their needs in the home.Since we live with my mom, she is the one who apparently provides the food for us in the house and she buys some of the kids's food but this isnt something i impose on her or ask her to do. For years and years, she manages to make me feel like i owe her so much for taking care of me and my kids, for allowing me to move back in with her (since i tried to live on my own for awhile), for basically just living in her house and breathing in it. She and my sister consistently look at how I take care of my kids and just keep finding fault or look at what is missing in what i do. And if they help, it's like i owe them the world for it. They are constantly in my face and stepping on my boundaries--sometimes even taking my kids out without my permission, or doing things with the kids and not telling me. When i happen to do things i am passioante about like hike or go out with my friends , they make me feel bad for spending money on myself. I do allot almost all of what i earn for my kids but there is a good amount i allow myself to spend and they make me feel bad for it. Every time i manage to defend myself or state my side, I am shut down and none of what I feel is validated. My siblings , those who are blind to what is happening, think im the black sheep of the family and that i need help or something is wrong with me. I have managed to hold on to myself and do things i am passionate about for myself like singing and hiking. And i have managed to keep sane.But I am glad that i have come across your youtube channel because for the longest time i was made to feel that something was wrong with me. and that i need fixing. I guess i do need therapy but i am just glad that im aware that it isnt me and that I would know proper coaching from whoever will be doing it. and thank you.
Praying for you. My parents mad it unbearable. I went from a narcissistic husband to a malignant and covert parents. They drove me out of the house and I chose to live in my car and their outdoor shed. Thank God I am in a domestic crisis shelter and am receiving help. You are worth loving ❤️
Thank you for this wonderful information. I have completely healed after much counseling and study in this area over a few years after being involved with one of these extremely ill types of people. I can spot it now a mile away, the love bombing, obsessive behavior and overreacting to tiny issues. Thank God for this exposure!
Thank you for being the first person to explain this without all the hurling of weird insults. You don't say NO CONTACT NO CONTACT. You don't say all the evil things I found on the Danu Morrigan site. You actually really do talk about what a narcissist is. THANK YOU. You truly have my respect.
+Ross Rosenberg Well thank you, my family needed a no nonsense video to understand what my daughter is feeling. We all appreciate it. She liked it too. Thanks again.
+Lavender Dorie I am sad that it comes to that but only if both sides don't give a little, if just one side of the equation would give in, in the name of love, there could pe peace but sadly it seems it is a case of no compromise when I hear of this "no contact"
+Heather Holt That is not the way it worked in my case, or that of many others I've read about. I begged and pleaded several times with my narc to get counseling with me so we could work out a reasonable relationship. Otherwise, I was under doctors and counselors orders to break off all ties for the sake of my sanity and serenity, as he also fits into the definition of psychopath, and this involved a family partnership that ended up involving corporate crimes that I wouldn't be part of. Every contact was toxic and disabling for me, and always threw me into a tailspin. I did everything possible, and I was the child, he was the adult, so it shouldn't even have needed to be me who went to him. He always said no, that he didn't need any counseling, but apparently I did, so I should continue getting it. He said he's never done anything to hurt anybody, and who in their right mind could ever claim such a perfect record? I eventually learned it's impossible to reason with an unreasonable person. So yes, there are cases when even though one side is willing to bend over backwards, no contact is the only recourse. I tried it in increments of less and less contact, until there was no other choice.
Can you be my therapist? This video is so eye opening. My wife just finally made me realize this morning that I suffer from NPD. I had no idea, I thought i was slightly normal and everyone else just couldn't see it from my point of view. I always knew something was wrong just couldn't pin point it. It's not easy for me to admit, but I would really like to be able fight this. I don't think i'm imprisoned to it. I refuse to let this run my life that I now know what's wrong with me. Thank you again for making this video. Im going to start looking for therapists that deal with type of personally disorder.
salute for recognizing it and your desire and will to do something about it. just that alone...you're healed and don't even know it. it's just a process to progress, from here on out. good luck to you and your family.
Wicked Moto. Hi, I think you are the first person (and I have heard many) who I saw acknowledge a problem with this. You have taken a big step toward healing....God bless you. Jesus will help you!
I am also coming to see that I am too. I am so in awe to see myself in such a different light. I feel hope that I can change and be happy. Good luck!!!
It's very rare that someone admits to being a narcissist, because most that are called out on it, deny deny deny that they have anything wrong with them..It's one of the their more prevelent character traits ; denial, blame & shame. Maybe you do have it, maybe you dont. You may have a different personality disorder that needs to be diagnosed and treated. Great to hear that you want to address your issues.. I commend you. Good luck
Good news! We are all narcissist in one way or another, but it doesn’t mean that you are bad. In fact, I’d dare say that if you were truly a narcissist you wouldn’t acknowledge that you have a problem. True narcissists do not admit fault, guilt, or that they have a problem. We, of course, could all use a little more concern for the needs of others over our own needs, but that is natural and self preservation is a normal part of the evolutionary process.
He fooled me for almost three years wow!!!!! I believe I was a co-dependent I am just starting to recovery. I fell into a deep seated depression, Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
All my ex could do was point out my flaws. All the time. And he always considered it an issue. He, however, downplayed or downright denied any flaw I pointed out to him. I never made an issue of his flaws, or commanded him to do something about it. I asked, but I didn't push it because I accept someone's flaws. He was constantly projecting. Called me a liar several times, and I remember so vividly I always thought "A liar? But... I'm not lying? Why does he try so hard to make me 'admit' I'm a liar while I'm not?" And many other things I didn't recognize he pushed onto me, things I couldn't even relate to or didn't match my viewpoints. But he genuinely believed that was what I was thinking or doing. He had zero reflection. I was constantly changing myself, improving myself, constantly doubting myself but trying my best. He had no hardships. He was thriving off my issues. But his lack of reflection tells me he isn't going to chance. Probably never. It sucks. I miss him. But he treated me like trash. He cheated on me and dared to blame me for it. I know there are better people out there. I hope someday I will meet someone. Because right now I feel kind of lonely. I'm sure that's part of why he managed to conquer me. Sigh.
Calling the narcissist a drug of choice for the co-dependent , I like that. They can be as destructive and leave you as broke as some kind of hard drug. Now, that I think about it, far more people have probably lost families, homes, cars, jobs due to the drug of choice being a narcissist than to cocaine or heroin.
Thanks for the video. Only recently I realized my brother was a narcissist and that I was his main victim/target. He has been out of my life for quite a while now and since separating myself from him I have flourished far more than before. Unfortunately, my brother will never see that he suffers from NPD so he will never change. I can only recommend that in the vast majority of relationships with a narcissist, the best thing to do would be to remove yourself from the narcissist, they truly are toxic people that will leech the life out of you. I bought your book and will definitely enjoy reading it. I think you offer some great insights that will help many people.
Quite accurate and very articulate. I went through love-bombing and then agreed to be there for my narc ex as she was going through divorce. But I didn't subscribe to be a codependent, and when she insisted I started establishing boundaries. She couldn't handle that. Totally caustic and destructive incarnation of evil. Cost me three years of my life, my job, a big portion of my money and mental and physical health. I don't care if they don't see where the problem lies, they are the problem and it's not fixable. Stay away from narcs, whatever stories they sell. Run for the hill. Let them deal with it. Let them rot.
Brilliant and concise. I am currently legally separating from my narcissist husband of 30 years so I know first hand much of what you say in this video to be true. The part about sucking the life out of you over time is precisely what I feel at this point. However, I have been in therapy, and read and researched extensively about NPD. I am looking forward to peace of mind and just living a simple life, one that is fulfilling but without all of the drama and uncertainty and pain that living with a narcissist will surely bring. I am also working on my codependent issues because I know If I don't I am pretty much destined to fall prey again to another narcissist personality. Thank you for sharing your videos. I truly believe you know and understand the personality of the narcissist.
I saw someone else thank you, and I want to thank you for being able to separate your emotions from your message. Many I've seen who call themselves helping other people in this situation often sound like they have yet to be much better themselves - hurling insults and more. Thank you for being rational, practical, and neutral.
Thank you again, Dr. Ross. It's amazing how unfathomable the Narcissistic mindset is to the non-personality-disordered mind. I know all of what you've shared ( THANK YOU for helping to educate me throughout your videos and materials available in your store ), yet it still blows me away hearing it all again. Thank you again for helping me ( and SO MANY ) heal, normalize and then move on after Narcissistic abuse ( and THRIVE again ). Bless you Dr. Ross. And THANK YOU !!!!
I just recently heard someone say, “ I realize, you have put me in position of power to make you happy, but that is not a course I intend to follow. Not my job, not my responsibility to make anyone else happy. That comes from within. All the manipulation and control they do to make another person behave to make them happy. They act like they have power, but truly the power is inside of you, and they fear that. That is why they try to destroy it in you ( or their victims). What sad persons they are. Thank you for your wise words, and empathy to help others see the light. Thank you 🙏.
This guy is the BEST I have come across in explaining the addictive dynamic between codependent and narcissist! And in general, describing the narcissist.
Narcissist's project their wrong doings onto others. So, they are victimizers who play victim. I would suspect anyone blaming a narcissists bad behavior on trauma either is or is being manipulated by a narcissist.
This was so HELPFUL....I am dealing with my sister who has destroyed our relationship and I've always searched for a reason why? I love her with all my heart however, I realize now what the issues is....she is a narcissist! I just pray the Lord will heal her and our relationship....
If she is anything like my narc sister, she will shift as she gets older. For 25 years my narc sister didn't speak to me. She triangulated her children and grand children against me. Very hurtful. Now that she is sick, older and feeble she needs someone to talk to. She needs someone to TRY and fall back on financially. I'm sort of okay with lending her an ear from time to time. But there will be no money exchanges because I do not know what is truth and what is a lie. Does she need my little money, or is she just lying. When I do talk to her, her conversation is always so strange and full of false memories. So I only allow it to go on just so long. I do love my nutty sister. But now I understand what the problem is. So thanks to Ross Rosenberg I only put up with her in small increments. Because she triangulated her family against me (I never retaliated), they as grown ups don't quite know what to make of me, right today. Her grandson made it out of her damaging clutches to become a Christian.
Truly great video! Only people who had personal experience to deal with a narcissist can fully understand all of this. I had a narcissistic boss on my first job. Very elegant woman, great looking for her age (she was in her 50s), very fun, good sense for humor, intelligent..clients of her office liked her,then also neighbors (people who lived in flats near her office) liked her a lot since she always talked and joked with them,helped them..etc. So,in eyes of people who didn't Share Their Everydays and their Lives with her,she was an angel. But for us,her workers, she was worse from a devil. Same like for her family, children, son in law..She was never satisfied with her any worker. And she had tones of them,nobody stayed long to work for her. Working for her meant to go to home in tears, stressed, coming on job nervous, occupied with thinking in what mood she'll be when you enter the door in morning..For her,all her workers were overpaid since they didn't deserve that money, they were always stupid, slow, superficial, mean, ugly.. The same way she treated her children,son and daughter, her husband, her sister..nobody was ever good enough for her. Nobody ever had enough of courage to confront to her since she was too dominate,too manipulative and too bastard to break them. And in situations when she saw that she made them too pissed,she started to play a poor victim..and it worked every time. The worst problem of all is that most of people,victims of a narcissist, Never Realize who they deal with,they don't even know for that "diagnose" and whole their lives they desperately try to find the right way for dealing with that person using the power of arguments, trying to prove and explain them things..but it is all useless. The only right way is; to Run Away and Don't Turn Around!
Ross, you are nailing all the most important aspects of the NPD individual. Thank you. I grew up in the long shadow of narcissistic abuse because of my mother. At a very, very young age I knew there was something terribly wrong in our home, and it was my mother. Three of my earliest memories are of my mother chasing my poor dad through the living room, pounding her fists on the backs of his shoulders and I remember her bitter, foul words to this day, "You goddamned shit-ass bastard!", as we three children sat on the floor playing, suddenly watching this horrific, live drama play out. The other time was when my mother for some reason cried, hollered and wailed for a short time, then gathered us kids and my dad all together to have us children make up our minds who we wanted to go with. Why? SHE had decided that the family was breaking up and so she sat us down for us little kids to make our decisions there and then. I could not have been any more than 3 or 4 years old. I remember the whole family were all crying, including my father, traumatizing us children deeply. I spoke up and said in my young voice, "I don't want to go with anybody", meaning I didn't want this to happen, I was frightened, and I was incapable of making such a heavy decision at that age. She was trying to force us to choose between parents. How can you do that to a small child? A third example of her abusive and shocking behavior was when she physically attacked my aunt, her youngest sister in front of the whole family who were sitting in the living room. The large country kitchen was in the room right before our eyes, and she pounded on my aunt until she cried and cowered from my mothers blows. All for being mouthy to my grandmother. I was so young, I thought this was a "spanking" and I remember saying "mommy spanked aunt Sheila", to which she snarled, "Yeah, mommy spanked aunt Sheila" in a tone very inappropriate to use when addressing a little child. But I still hear that voice. That was my early introduction to family life and it only grew worse and worse as time went by. I eventually went NC about 8 years ago. I'm 67. Many deep and painful wounds were buried but I've done the work to uncover all of it and I continue to heal from the damage. I now recognize that I had developed C-PTSD at least by the time I was 20 years old. I suffered from migraine headaches, self-consciousness, shyness, generalized anxiety, social anxieties, depression by age 16 or so, nervous body rashes, stiff muscles, bad nerves, tension, fears, lack of confidence, panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, mild agoraphobia, mistrust of others, failed relationships, a difficult job record for a few years, dissociative disorder and deep shame. I wanted to be invisible and I became quite a loner when I was young. To me, strangers were too threatening to be around and I thought no one liked me. I thought I was stupid and worthless. How could they like a person like me, right? I finally, finally felt whole again in the past several years but still, it's a battle to keep that "mother-in-my-head" out of my consciousness because her words still invade and attack. Thank God I have a wonderful, supportive, understanding man now and it's the first time in my entire life I've felt genuinely understood, validated and emotionally supported. He is my great love. I wish healing for all survivors of narcissistic abuse. My parents finally went their separate ways with a divorce when I was about 23 y.o., and my mother was to end up marrying 4 more times. She is still alive, in a retirement home, aged 94 in October this year. I miss her and love her, but I must stay away for the rage I feel inside still. I feel agonizingly sorry for her because I know she was abused but she will never speak of it. Never. She'll tragically take her secret pain to her grave.
This is so spot on!! Thank you. I thought I was going crazy and I finally realised my partner is a narcissist with bpd. You described everything perfectly. My life is a nightmare with him, yet it’s so hard to leave.
Love your videos. Thank you so much. I just left a relationship with a narc who is 70 years old. I find it so difficult to understand how someone who has been on this earth for that long and is a very intelligent person, would not have picked up "some" insight along the way into their hurtful behavior. After so many failed relationships, people telling them over & over how hurtful they are and having heard the same critisism woudn't they have to have gained something? Apparently not.
This is the most accurate effective and helpful explanation. I love the humane way this video is done. So much better than the hateful vengeful videos that I have seen. Kudos to you for such a great explanation.
A must watch!! I think what makes codependents like me value videos such as this is, is for every question answered I can relate with numerous instances for such tendencies from the narc. Videos such as this validate a couple of things... That I am not insane, that there is hope and recovery from the damages inflected, and we can put an end to this form of abuse - with boundaries and departure; because it is abuse in its true sense. Thanks once again for the re-enforcement and enlightenment.
It took me 13 years to realize what was going on. I really thought I just wasn't good enough. And he still years later is destroying us most importantly the child he begged me for. He has destroyed my whole way of thinking. I can't wrap my mind around it.
how are you doing now? Im just learning this about my wife, STBX wife. 14yrs of fake. Not sure sociopathy or what. I guess just plain old malignant narcissism. cheated on me the whole marriage.
Maybe they were lacking a vitamins for the brain , but the point is that when they are like that , we better run as far as possible like we see the devil.
I totally agree with Michael. The narc I know SWEARS he had an amazing childhood. He talks about his childhood like it was heaven on earth and even expresses sympathy for those who did not experience a childhood as great as his. The narc I know also claims that he had an amazing relationship with his father and that they were very close. Listening to him talk about these things gave me no reason to disbelieve him. Only to find out from his mother that his life and his father was the complete opposite of his recollection. Had I never spoke to his mother I would've totally believed him. This video helped me understand so much about npd
Projection. Ugh! Everything he (falsely) accused me of; stealing, sneaking, cheating, etc. he was doing. Every. Single. Thing. When Satan can't get to you, he sends a narcissist. Signed. (former) co-dependant empath with daddy issues
They are wounded children that never grew up and you can never love them through it. Would love to see a video about 2 siblings growing up in an abusive relationship and why one ends up a covert and the other sibling does not.
@@bonitasmith6064 Bless you & thank you. May I ask how old were you when you made that decision? I ask because I have heard on these videos that that type of decision is made very early on--before 7. Thank you if you allow me to pry.
@@adimeter I was raised as a Christian, and when the abuse started that opened my eyes to evil and never wanted to be a part of that. I'm an empathy and always wanted to help and make people happy from kindergarten until now at 61. Blessings to you 💯💪🙏
My ex-mother in law was atrocious, she was conniving, evil and malicious. Not only has she got a few people wrapped around her finger she had me intertwined in it all. She used to betray me, rape me spiritually and connivingly trick me to do things I didn’t want to do out of pure fear. She’s evil. I’ve never met anyone more eviler than her. Just wanted to share this with everyone so everyone knows what I went through. Thanks
My husband has poor relationships; no true bond. He immediately went to every person he could and told them of my situation. He needed the "pity"" for himself. Not one of them called me; they never have and never will because the family is torn down. But, he needed the "supply" for himself. It is terribly inappropriate and short-sighted of him. Prayer; a positive attitude; not hovering with constant comments as though I will die today would be nice! They cannot see because they are so busy spinning within themselves with constant worry about themselves. It is truly sad.
Above everything I truly feel empathy for them. I am not going to change my empathetic nature, I am not going to hold hate or grudge within me. I wish with my heart to help them, but I know they won’t accept it. I can only feel empathy because I know I will be over this, but they will never get over the misery of their soul. When I see them fight, when I see them agitated, when I see them trying to bring me down.... it doesn’t hurt me anymore, I don’t take it personal, bc I know is not about me, its about them being so vulnerable inside. I see them in rage or pretending and I just stare in silence and I think: I am sorry you can’t understand I want to help you, I am sorry you are not able to accept your weaknesses and yourself as a whole, I am not mad, I feel sorry for you. But I can’t play this game with you, I don’t want to harm you, I know you are already harmed inside. Sorry, But I can’t let you change me for the worse, I must keep loyal to what is right, you don’t need me acceptance, you need your acceptance, and that is something I can’t give you.
I have just become aware that my 45 year old daughter suffers from NPD after 30+ years of horrendous abuse from her. I believe that this personality disorder was initially the result of being severely burned as a baby and seperated from me at that time for 3 months while she underwent treatment and surgery. However, her behaviour towards me has become so severe that I believe she will not be happy until she kills me - spiritually, psychologically and probably physically. This has led to my decision to break contact with her permanently. I have asked her to get help but...as you outline in your video...this enraged her more! A tragedy...wish I had known about this 44 years ago. Thank you for your video.
Eurovision 2015 mad complex post traumatic stress disorder. complex because it's multilayered. childhood injuries compounded by the choices those injuries caused you to make. like marrying an abuser working for an abusive employer putting up instead of walking away. these are all choices stemming from learned helplessness acquired due to trauma and neglectful parents
You hate us? Well we fucking hate you. Probably too weak to keep up or something. Don't feel sorry for us because we'll probably be your boss for the rest of your life. You're the one who sounds like they have a poor self-esteem and are "empty" inside. My childhood was perfect and I'm still this way. Just because humans have the ability to feel empathy doesn't mean we have to. Why would I feel sorry for someone who means nothing to me when I could disregard your existence and keep on moving up in life? You should study how alpha-wolves are established. I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't happen by being a pussy ahah. This shit is just too easy man. Y'all are dumb and misinformed af.
Somehow I feel calling, labelling someone as being narcissistic is only half the story. People need to recognise that they are attracted to the traits of a narcissist which is why they're in a less than desirable relationship. The other half of the story is exploring yourself.
Greencheese of course. they are what RR calls the SLDDs. Rappoport and I call them co-narcissists. they're JUST as fucked up and they damage their kids just as much. Cos the real thing is ALL OF THEM narc and co-narc alike had fucked up parents who provided the environment in which their respective disorders flourished
Tia Haeuss but why are You attracted to them, hmmm? that's the real question. or take so long to leave and putting up with degrading treatment lack of love dishonesty etc instead of seeing eats going on, referring to your gut instinct and refusing to NOT justify and rationalise unacceptable behaviour
outofthegoldfishbowl etcetera Not attracted to them. They are drawn to me because I'm an empath, and a kind, generous person. Got duped twice by narcs, but it will never happen again, because now I'm aware. Hmmmmm??
Greencheese it's called codependency. You need to do your own work but take care not to minimize the negative character traits of the Narcissist in your life. I know a person who was dumped but the guy keeps coming back for a "booty call" emotionally or literally. The person being used cannot see it for what it is. They make endless excuses for the negative behavior but also can't make the leap that this Narcissist is like her attention seeking. mother and her deadbeat Dad. She's sees her upbringing as normal when it was unstable and chaotic at times.
Hi Ross, great video. Your comments on 'how it is never enough' and 'they always want more', are very recognizable. I refer to this as him being a 'black hole'. All love, time and attention (and also money) is being sucked in, nothing comes out in return. Also i recognize that shame/emotional pain is a very big issue for narcistic persons, they have no clue what to do with this feeling. While anger is alway ready available. I do disagree with you on the origin of narcistic behaviour. It cannot be only psychological trauma. If my ex husband had a trauma, it is really well hidden. His whole childhood he was catered for by his mom for everything he wanted and everything he possibly might need. Although they were not whealty, he got what he wanted. He had a very succesfull schoolcareer with many friends, was really good at sports. There were many many successes in his young life that could have healed the two events that he is still memorating as being hurtfull and shamefull. One of them was a disagreement with a teacher over what was the biggest star our milkyway (he was 10 or so). The other one a quarrel with some neighbor children that he and his friend could not win themselves and his father had to settle it. I think that most of us a have had to deal with a little more than this and yet we are empathic, giving human beings. To what i have seen, there is a strong genetic component also. His grandpa had it. His mom has it. The ex fits all definitions of a covert. And also our youngest daughter shows many many signs of narcistic behaviour too. For my daughter I want to believe that there is both a genetic component and behaviorial component in this. I hope i can learn her how to deal with shame and emotional pain in a way that it does not hurt the people around her.
Kareltje, have you read my book The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap? You can find it on my website www.SelfLoveRecovery.com. It would be helpful to you. In it, I go into detail of the previous 4 generations of my own family explaining the transgenerational forces. I think you might find it enlightening. Best, Ross
As I started getting healthier & realized my lack of boundaries & codependent tendency, I started setting boundaries on a unhealthy narcissist friend and he just basically quit communicating. okay then.
I just figured out my sister is a narcissist, she has abused me my entire life,I feel so completely idiotic that I’m just now figuring it out. Growing up I was taught to NEVER stand up to her, I was the bad one, I wasn’t ever as good as she was, I am not saying that as a negative, it was just fact, I was ungrateful and mean and ugly and she was a beautiful person.. I could never hope to be as wonderful as her. I began to see the truth when I caught her verbally abusing our elderly mother, and she was trying to abuse my grandchildren (not physically) and that’s what woke me up.. after all these years.. I don’t know exactly how to deal with everything but these videos are a big blessing, they are helping me understand. So think you so much.
Best video Ive seen with NPD. It doesnt shame people but gives understanding to why they act the way they do. I think we are all have Narcissm in some way. Nobody has a perfect childhood. I like the understanding of why people act the way they do.
This dis order has to have some type of cure? Are there medical treatments out there? I feel so bad about my narcissistic family member. They are so totally lost. Makes me sad. Thank you for this video.
The narc in my life is simply draining. That's the best way of describing it. I'm in IT and he often calls me seeking tech help. I get to his apartment and almost immediately I am overwhelmed by his insistence on intruding and telling me what I'm doing is wrong or to not bother because he tried that already. I'm usually overjoyed when someone plays an active role with me in troubleshooting tech but my narc friend leaves me vibrating with utter frustration almost to the point where I feel sick. It's so bad, I end up crossing my arms and watch him further ruin the configuration or stumble his way through trying to fix it and if I interject with, "I think we should follow the instructions. That's how I approach my work" he flies off the handle and says, "what kind of tech are you? You should know all this already." It is very insulting and hurtful and infuriating. But I've managed to appear calm, cool, and poised while explaining to him, "if you think a techy person was born with their tech knowledge and Google isn't their best friend, then you best stay far away from the tech field as you'll go in circles trying to fix something that you think your brilliant and genius brain will figure out along the way. " It was said in obvious lighthearted tone although I was serious. He then responded in a typical narc fashion, "What on earth are you going on about? I have no idea what you just babbled about." I am often there for hours trying to sneak my way of doing things in when he's not looking but he always pounces on me when he thinks I am close to fixing it. He cannot give me the satisfaction of knowing I actually helped and helped doing it my way. On two occasions he eventually gave up only after I put on this act where I declared defeat and announced, "I am officially stumped!" That seemed to please him long enough to become distracted and allow me to fix the darn printer. He then tried as hard as he could to not notice I had fixed it and basically forget why I was even there. When I explained what the issue was, I said, "Part of the problem was your IP wasn't set to static, causing the connection to break when your printer was assigned a new IP. And about 90% of the problem was you." I then made it a point to chuckle in a very "I'm kidding!!" fashion. I'm not kidding when I say he then looked as if he were ready to murder me. He then proceeded to treat me like shit for the next week or so. Patience is my middle name.
ii never heard about narississic until 4 months ago i could save my son and myself from the devil year ago if i had known.from a life of pure living hell.
Mr. Rosenberg...you have NO IDEA how ecstatic I am to have ran across you on here. I have had pieces of you literature since 2001 when I put myself through rehab and are my treasures in life I always felt. Even to the point of pure panic mode if I thought anything had happened to them. Lol I have spent most of my life searching for what is wrong with me. Why I felt the way I did. Why my marriage failed after 17 years to my best friend...my high school sweetheart...the father to my 3 beautiful children. Why my mother always would tell me "Carrie Lynn, you ought to be plumb damn ashamed of yourself" and to this day still does. I am almost 50 yrs. old. Three years from it. I have been single ever since my divorce in 2001 or 2, I can't really remember. How embarrassing is that? I honestly thought I was going to die from a broken heart. The one that I thought would NEVER leave me had left me. And sent me and my children back to the place I had ran away from when I was 17 years old. And to the person I ran away from. It took me 5 years to get away from there with my babies which were not babies anymore. And I was having a hard time excepting the fact the I couldn't turn back time to get any of those years back with them. But we did it. We got us a place and stayed for a little over 5 years. Till my Daddy got diagnosed with 3 different types of cancer at 75 and shortly after he totally retires. He asked me one day why my Momma would not come down stairs to be with him. I had no idea of anything comforting to tell my darling Daddy. And it hurt me to the core of my being. Not long after that he tells me that he don't know how he is going to pay his bills an all with the new medical expenses. It threw me. And with no hesitation what so ever. With no acknowledgement of myself or my babies. I said "Daddy, as hard as you worked for this family I cannot let you worry about money your last days on this earth. I will move back home and take care of things. " Anyway...That was 2012...and my Daddy passed away 2012. I am still here where I ran away from WITH THE PERSON I RAN AWAY FROM.....where I was born and raised...where I was the youngest of 4 children with severe asthma...where I was molested by several ppl..........WITH MY SEVENTEEN year old son.....my baby. I have to recover....I have to get away from here...I have to know what it is liked to be loved. ...to li e myself SO I CAN DEMONSTRATE THIS TO MY BABIES THAT GOD GAVE ME....SO I CAN SHOW MY 4 GRANDBABIES HOW TO LOVE THEMSELF TOO. I am stuck in these 4 walls and I feel as if I am loosing my mind forreal.
from Greek mythology, a man named Narcissius spent all his time gazing at his reflection in the water of a pond so the god zeus turned him into a flower - that is how we get the english word and meaning.
I think the quote "if you spot it you got it" is interesting, except that it would apply to everyone, including therapists. So I don't know where to go next with that knowledge.
woodsprout i thought the same thing, but i think this may be more about projection. Narcissists hate in others what they see in themselves that they hate.
That's how projection works and we all do it, which allows us to be aware about our own shortcomings. We can't change people, only work on our own dear selves.
Wow. As a co-dependent who has been with someone with NPD for several years, I can say this video is spot on, and the last part describing the pain of leaving the narcissist without seeking therapeutic support is completely accurate. As someone who has a history of addiction and recovery, your analogy to withdrawal from an addiction was extremely resonant to me. Even though I knew the person I was with was making me suffer and lacked empathy completely, I still felt empty and lonely when she was no longer there. This is a great video that was helpful for me in learning about myself and my recent experiences.
After spouse picks a fight over something stupid. I tell spouse: you are fighting over something stupid. spouse reply: no you are fighting over something stupid. I tell spouse : don't you see???? your throwing our marriage out the window!!!! He responds: no you are throwing the marriage out the window. I tell spouse: what you are doing is wrong. Spouse responds: no what you are doing is wrong. I tell spouse: I no longer matter to you? Spouse reply: no, I no longer matter to you. So basically he just repeats everything i say against me. :(:(:(
Oh when you have been chewed up by a narcissist, you have a sense of self. A worthless, pathetic, down-trodden sense of self. The only way out of that is all the way OUT. ALL of the sages spoke of letting go of the personal self, moving into our God Self...the place where our identity is given by God and cannot be touched by man who's breath is in his nostrils.
Great explanation on all levels. I personally am a narcissist and use resonance repatterning to get to the source of my behavior. I’m 110% committed. And It’s been the Most beneficial treatment that I’ve been doing for 4 year’s. Never felt better and happier. My life and people connections are becoming beautiful.
I've found success with walking away from the narcissist (even if they're in mid-sentence), because I feel like trying to reason with a narcissists is like riding on a train that has no destination and it's pointless trying to reason and use logic with anyone who is determined to derail you. I find this method works the best: I don't have to say anything in response and it says all that needs to be said, "I'm not engaging in the nonsense you're trying to stir up." Setting verbal boundaries definitely never works with narcissists, so I don't even dignify their behavior with a response, I just walk away or pretend they're not there.
This is the most perfect video on narcissism I have ever seen, and I'm still only half way through it. Videos like this make me feel I'm not alone and more importantly, that I'm not imagining what I'm going through, just like I've been made to believe that I imagine everything I think is wrong in my marriage. Yet I still hold hope, and am counting down the minutes till I get a call back from the marriage therapist to book us in. I'd like to ask, is it a good idea to show videos like these to the narc in your life, in the hope that they may begin to understand what's happening, or is it best to wait for therapy?
For all of you who keep insisting that the Narcissist you know was "spoiled rotten and came from a perfect family with a perfect childhood" are completely missing the point. If you pay attention, Dr. Rosenburg mentions that these traumatic memories are repressed and inaccessible! So you don't know if that N with that perfect childhood who was always showered with gifts was also getting molested (maybe even only once) but never spoke about it. What if that same kid saw his own sibling get hit by a car because he playfully pushed him into oncoming traffic but nobody ever knew that piece of the story, they just know he was run over and killed. You don't know the secrets N's have buried in their heads and you never will!!
LinkII08 i completely agree with you as I am in a relationship, or should say trying to have a relationship with someone that has this behavior. He experienced trauma in childhood watching a sibling supposedly commit suicide, but I feel that was not the real cause of death. I always had a gut feeling that he may have accidently killed his sibling as a child and suicide was used to cover this family secret. This childhood trauma has caused a narcissistic behavior, which includes no empathy towards others, never wrong and will always blame others, a know it all, gossips, belittle's others, lies, large ego, and he will hate & ignore me for weeks if i tell him he has don't something wrong, no consideration, doesn't care about how i feel. I always forgive him, because what i really see deep down when i look into his eyes is a sad, hurt, broken little boy. I am just learning about narcissitism & it makes so much sense now. I have been hurt, heart broken, and confused the past 2 years, but now I understand the reason for his behavior. I care for this man & will not give up on him. He is a child of God and we can not judge others because we have no idea what kind of trauma they may have experienced. This could happen to any of us. I don't know if i am strong enough to continue our relationship, but i will always be his friend and will try to see that he gets the help needed.
bke fh I know this is hard to accept .....But sometimes you have to love from afar .....pray .....and have faith God will heal them .....when/if they ever accept there behavior......your presence only ends up feeding and enabling there behaviors......there is nothing you can do ......he has to be willing to see it ,acknowledge it and change on his own. You cant keep putting someones needs over your own .......especially if they have no regards to yours.....youll end up lost with time pass you will never get back. Trust me I know.
Linkll08: We are all allowed to make our assumptions, based on what the know about the families of a narcissistic person. I personally believe that a single traumatic experience is not that important, unless it is covered up by the parents. In the example you have given (child playfully pushing sibling into oncoming traffic), the child is either too little, so that the repression works ( I mean by "works" that it works well!), or big enough to experience guilt, and then the question would be, why he did not tell the parents (or why the parents covered it up). As for my narcissist, I would say that his childhood was far from perfect, but also not that bad: his mother is not a very warm-hearted person, surely had some problematic educational methods (including trying to convince the child that what he wants is actually not what he wants), but she is not a complete jerk either, his father pressured him into taking over the family business which he refused to, but could have been worse, too, he had a grandmother who was apparently quite caring. He has trouble in relationships with people in general and with women, in particular. He tried to find some answers through therapies, and he found them: a traumatic delivery by forceps, a mother who threatened the kids with smashing them against the wall ... I think the real problem is a different one: he is ADD with autistic traits (and therefore took his mother's threats more seriously than they were meant), at the same time he has a sense of entitlement and a lot of envy against people who have it easier. His parents and the environment haven't teached him modesty and to accept his handicap. It is his autistic traits that make him egocentric, and the rest that makes him a psychopath. I think it is the ambivalence between running down and nourrishing the ego that leads to narcissism. He experienced this ambivalence in his family, in school, in his job and in his relationships with women - because there is not enough awareness about neurodiversity. People will be more narcissistic / psychopathic, the lower their self-awareness is (the closer they get to detection), the more ambivalent the feedback they get and the less inappropriate they address the envy issue.
@@evamartin8732 we are all allowed our assumptions even based on nothing at all. I found the statement about a single traumatic event not mattering really activated my sense of offense.
[Begin sarcasm transmission] What if the forty odd year old man who controls everything his 11y/o step daughter does, molests, shoots up with dope, and abuses in every way defined, as well as some new ways, was the victim of neglect and bullying as a child?! We simply must consider his feelings and excuse his horrendous behavior. [Insert sarcasm end] This pisses me off no end ppl excusing abusers. The only abusers who should be considered for redemption are those who help themselves. Making up stories of abuse to excuse the abuse. Arrrgh. Sometimes it's so hard for me to see the areas I don't stand my grounded truth. But man can I see it in others. I said that bit about seeing a hurt person and not giving up on them because underneath it all is a person in need. (Reality is more like: I want to keep looking away from myself I mustn't give up on other ppl and drama bs. Or God forbid I'll have to feel the feeling). So long as I allow myself to be treated poorly I am giving up on myself. Really I don't have a hold of myself as is. So there's nothing to give up. I must needs hold on to the narcissistic flower so as to feel I have something of value. Giving me reason to live. Not just to live but to create and grow and live everyday with purpose. The protection and growth of my flower. The only thing we have to test our reality on is that which we sense.
my sister and i both experienced the same horrific abuse. she is now a full blown narcissist. the difference between us is that i used that pain to vow to never inflict ANY shade of that on anyone else, whereas she embraced it as a 'defense.' Saying narcissists can't fight there background somehow is a big 'screw you' to those of us who chose differently (I know you're being empathetic and caring, but really reallly look at someone's power of choice... if anything narcs who suffered abuse should know BETTER, not be less culpable). I think they're self esteem is JUST FINE. I'm not being unenlightened, quite the contrary, i've seen too much
i don't negate that you've seen the dysfunction and turned it around, good for you. but how can you put 'begging for love' on the same playing field as the narcissists' or narcissistically defended inflicting intense pain and damage to meet their "needs?" ("needs" often being for power or just sheer joy of seeing others' suffer, whereas the other's need is for love). far from the same thing.
I'm talking about core reactions, not core circumstances and need for defense. And I'm not talking about any 'fight' responses you had as a result of being raised as a narc. I don't know you and your situation. All The Best to You.....
Lay Low i never called you a narc. I'm talking about core REACTIONS, not core experiences. Don't put words in my mouth. But to address your words, a person needs to choose one way to respond or another. Your insistence on justifying hurtful actions based on a similar driving force, need for love, does not serve as a leveling of the playing field for the cruelty inflicted and kindness offered by different people "in need." And it decidedly does not take two to tango, Kathy Krajco said it best: "Narc Attack: Simple Case of Bad Guy Attacking Good Guy Did you ever hear the saying "It takes two to Tango"? That's a common saying here in the United States, at least some parts of it. But I'll bet every language has a figure of speech that means the same thing. It takes two to Tango: That's what you're supposed to say when gossipping about interpersonal problems between two other people. The only interest is in coming to agreement with your gossips on who is to blame for it. Because then you are bestowing judgement on people, and that feels good. The doctrine firmly to be believed is that, no matter what the bad guy did, the good guy is partly to blame. I think this is construed as (of all things) "fairness" = unfairly (arbitrarily) placing blame on a person without one bit of evidence - just this almost religiously held slogan "It takes two to Tango." As in the ballroom dance called the Tango. End of discussion. Case closed. Victim is (at least partly) to blame. Ah, wisdom! A word to the "wise" - Yes, it takes two to Tango. And it takes two to have sex. But haven't you ever heard of rape, you empty-headed ventriloquist's dummies! I hate cliches like It takes two to Tango. Many are as wrong and stupid as that one. Yet people eagerly gobble them up and swallow them hook, line, and sinker. These stupid platitudes are just SLOGANS. Catchy catch phrases. They SOUND clever. That's all. Whenever you hear slogans instead of reason and evidence brought forth in VALID arguments, look out. Because intellectually honest people don't have to fake thinking by parroting empty slogans. Narcs are predators. Predators do not attack in self defense. They attack to eat others. They target easy prey, not anyone they have anything against. The CAUSE of their attack is a vulnerable target of opportunity. Therefore, the only "blame" you can give the victim is for just being there as a vulnerable target of opportunity. Which is absurd. As someone noted yesterday, it's like blaming a bank teller for getting shot by a robber because she was on the wrong side of the counter. I don't care if that teller is a drug addict, an embezzler, or just plain obnoxious - he or she is wholly innocent in this matter. The victim doesn't have to be a saint to blameless when it is a PREDATOR that attacks. The victim is wholly blameless, and the narcissist or psychopath is wholly in the wrong. Of course narcs try to conceal what they really are by claiming that they were striking back at some perceived offense. They don't want you to know that they are predators. That's the Big Chill, man. If people knew that they just attack any defenseless prey caught in their sights, they'd soon find themselves in the Desert of Humankind. So, of course narcs try to bullshit bystanders and therapists into thinking they were just striking back at some perceived offense. But you have to be a complete idiot to fall for that lie. Duh, just look at who and when they attack. Then notice how obsequiously they bend over for insult from anyone they fear. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to add that up. What's more, narcissists are pathological liars you can't trust to tell you the time of day. So it's irrational to believe them about this, especially since there's an obvious potential motive for them to be lying. Therefore, for this lie to work, it DOES take two to Tango. The believer of the lie is partly to blame, because he or she is being irrational to believe a known pathological liar on a matter in which he has powerful motive to lie. No victim there. Just a liar and a glutton for being lied to. narc-attack.blogspot.com/search?q=it+takes+two+to+tango
I didn't see your response until now. Don't be sorry. All of this information is intense and it's easy to go places faster in emotions than our minds can keep up with. It's a big mess for all of us to untangle, thank you for your kind response, and for the suggestions. xo G.
After watching over 1000 + videos on Narcissism this video gives the most precise and concise definition of what Narcissism is I use it as my #1 abuse counseling video in my Ministry! Thanks
I loved this video and all the comments.I needed this today.I've been dealing with narcissists- in my family all my life.I was abused they weren't.I always thought' man it must be nice not to have been beat down etc.' You know, to have some self esteem etc.NOW I know it was more than good self esteem.
Loneliness is sweet heaven compared to life with the narc. I’ll take it over them any day.
I hope you are well. I know this is true. God help me to be strong in boundaries and Hope.
Absolutely agree
Well shit some of us are trying.
The worst thing than being lonely is being married to the wrong person I would rather be lonely and fill it up with my own happiness in my own good friends than to be married with an Narc.
Did you know it's well-known documented that if you married the wrong person it shortens your life by about one-third wow isn't that crazy
BB BB however you do shoulder some of the responsibility of who you marry
A narcissist will start a fire, blame someone else and then come back as a fireman to put the fire out. 🔥👤
Just like our government does
Sooooooo true
I just read yesterday, a narcissist will wet the bed and blame the sheets. I believe that!!!!
Damn
The Hegelian Dialectic!
Silence is the best weapon against narcissism. Information is ammunition for the narcissist, by continously replying and talking to a narcissist you give them ammunition. Silence makes them malfunction.
Al Haymon Thanks
The silent treatment is psychological torture. Don't cause more pain...
@@SunderBlue22 we are not sentenced to a lifetime of dealing with them just because we dealt with them in the past. Done is done.
The best weapon again a narcissist is to once you identify that you are dealing with one (and this is the most difficult part ...it's like finding what is making you sick ,once you know what you are dealing with you get empowered to start making changes, everything start making sense) pack your bags and live without warning and never look back .
Exactly 👍 👍
“The persons with NPD can’t bear to think there something wrong with themselves.” You got that right.
They knew what wrong they'd done but never admitted.
That's why you see them blaming their parents for their evil abuse of others. They refuse to take responsibility for their own nasty behaviour
"The narcissist will never get why you set a boundary." If this doesn't show clearly that no contact is the only way to go, I don't know what will.
My boundaries came naturally with healing even still in the relationship. He was unable to get his fix even though my body was still there. He left. No contact a consequence without drama.
Boundaries means respect of which they don't have
I left my husband after 44 years. New friends I have made do not understand what he was like and I couldn't explain. After seeing this video I feel vindicated and can now explain what a NPD does to a person without laying a hand on them.
Good for you!!! 👍👍👍👍👍😘😸😸😸😸
I’m so sorry, but so glad you are out. I got a divorce after 32 years. It was personality disorder throughout the family. My husband would see and hear his siblings being rude or lying and he would believe them over me.....the last year of my own realization, I found he would hug his sisters, but never touched, hugged or kissed me....thank God for strength to get out.
Blessings be yours, I hope you can love yourself now and find a new chapter in your life💕
Family would be sitting at dinner table and time after time my mother would waltz in and announce I would be schizophrenics before she would because it skips generations. Needless to say my grandmother was manicdepressive. But she called her schizophrenics. My mother was a narc to the core spoiled by her father
never ever feel sorry for a narcissist! They do it all to themselves.
Kareltje I feel sorry for my husband because is stuck in his own creation of a false reality just to survive himself!
@@nancyclark-gaines6856 It’s not their fault it’s their parents.👀
They don't feel sorry for anyone.
@@dawnanderson4967 take your narcissist pity party elsewhere. Nobody's parents made them them be evil
@@dawnanderson4967 But remember you did not make them the creatures they are. You do not deserve their abuse. No-one does. Keep away from them. I do not care that they didn't do it to themselves. No-one deserves their abuse.
I believe a narcissist can also be formed by being spoiled as a child
A child that had no consequences for their actions
@@scinformation7229 sorry, they're awful
So true...
Like a neglected child, a spoiled child also is invisible,.
You just described my mother, and sister, keep that cycle going! Rip
@@Megamitchism surreal right?
They don't end up as your soulmate just your cell mate. I like that.
wound mates.
That was a slaaaam dunk!😂😂😂🐷’s
😂😂😂😂😂
My narc might actually end up being a cell mate if he can't obey his restraining order!
@@the_eerie_faerie_tales 😲
In my experience with narcissists they know they have no self esteem but their ego will not let them experience insecurity. And them insulting people isn't necessarily true. In fact the narcissists I knew will call someone ugly when they weren't ugly...call them fat when they weren't. It's like they invent flaws.
I find it amazing to try to talk to someone that's a narcissist. Their lack of empathy makes them boring, also there's something missing when a person is a know-it-all and thinks they have the answers when all they are is obnoxious and don't know where they are missing it! If you try to explain it only makes them angry and it hurts their ego! They don't have time they're too busy being important which is only one dimension. It feels like they're missing the dimensions it takes to connect with people
It took half my life to realize I was a victim, enabler and now a survivor of 3 extreme pathological narcissists. One after the other. From Childhood into Adulthood into Motherhood. I'm a magnet to narcissists because of my own naivety, wounds and patterns. It has nearly destroyed me a few times...but lucky for me ...I am a warrior. Now, my Narsism radar is getting stronger every day, I have a lot of compassion for them but iron fast boundaries.
They are charming, magnetic and talented. Every bad thing that's ever happened to them is someone else's fault. It's always the other person that is crazy, the ex that was pshyco, and they remain looking quite innocent. They get cold or angry when called out and attack when being held accountable. They always turn it around so you crazy or wrong for bringing the issue up. They are always boosting themselves up and putting others down. Always looking for roles where they are the best. They orchestrate scenarios to be the one praised. Sometimes the most subtle of ways. They seem so loving, giving, kind ... and the deception begins.
You'll find they try and divide people from different parts or stages in their lives rather than bring them together which might result in their cover being blown. Divide to conquer.
When you're eyes are open you can't un-see. When the soul spies the danger it can not rest. No one will believe you. To fight it is to cause more harm because these guys will stop at nothing to save face. Do not beg, do not run but rather...raise your head and gracefully walk away. You may be wounded but you have already won by having a life free-er from them.
Me too
"I am a warrior"
Head held high, chin up,heart broken, walked away.
🙌💯👊
Me to
My ex husband and I were both in love. I was in love with him and he was in love with himself. That is why the marriage failed.
Ac76543211 ....... its impossible to compete with a third person in a relationship.......you were the third person (hope you can laugh about my comment) ...... i was with one 14 years (rollercoaster ride)
Ac76543211 That is just so true. I was married to one 2 months short of 35 years.
+Aishwarya Reddy Actually, I was not in love with him by the time I showed him the door due to his cheating on me, stealing from me, lying to me, He chipped away at my love for him, However, I still do not understand your reasoning and if you would care to expound upon it, I would love to hear it.
Yes, Denise G. You are entirely correct. I had to come to the realization that he did not love me to get the strength to leave him.
+Denise G I came to that conclusion too in my relationship, he hated me, to be honest i think he hates all women.
The narcissist in my life was able to recall every traumatizing event in their life. Even from childhood. They want to be the victim and I think that is one way to pull in empathizers into their game.
mariel campos
becareful they recreate history
mariel campos I agree who hasn’t had some type of trauma or neglect in their childhood I think they use it as an excuse andthey don’t give a damn about trying to get help It’s always someone else’s fault
Yup and their pain is always worse than yours
Wow you commentators are so smart (since you know for sure every thing and every reason for everyone else's behavior I don't know why your hanging around and hanging on to a.ross Rosenberg awesome evaluation of narccisitic core shame and reason albeit dysfunction
Lonjemarieswisdom Aina llllllll
How do you avoid getting into arguments with a narcissist?? They will leave you feeling insane because they will never take ownership of their faults. It's extremely frustrating!!
Refuse to have the conversation.
Broken record technique. Keep your comments trimmed down to a soundbite and don't allow the narc to derail you from it. When you start going crazy the narc views this as a sign that you love them. (It's really weird and twisted but the easiest way to understand it is to think of a child who acts out to get their parent's attention). You can also read "I'm Ok, You're Ok," a book about transactional analysis. Everyone communicates with others from the perspective of a parent/child/adult.. Depending on who they are in communication with. A narc will act like a child to get a reaction out of you. After you give them the "right reaction" they will think they have turned the tables (usually after you blow up) making them "the parent" and you "the dependent". Its super convoluted logic that I believe there might also be ties to ADD because people with that disorder will also engender fights to trigger their prefrontal cortex (via an adrenaline and cortisol rush). You also have to ask yourself what kind of narc you are dealing with? Is their narcissism fueled by an extreme underlying fear of abandonment? If so, there might be some level of an identity disorder at play which will keep the parent/child/adult roles ceaselessly shifting. In other words, if there is comorbidity involved, dealing with the narc (especially if they do not want any help) can get VERY complicated. It may even be time to move on if you are not equipped to A. handle it or B. Accept the position of lifetime narcissistic supplier/enabler.
Stop trying to prove your point.
Stop trying to prove your point.
Stop trying to prove your point.
The truth is that bullies are bullies simply because it works for them, and people who hurt others will make up any excuse in order to deflect responsibility. Character disordered people are not victims. And codependent people don't need psychologists to help them feel sorry for their abusers, they already are quite good at that.
To promote the fact the all bullies are bullies because they are hurt is simply wrong. The idea of a bully's motives come can come many different roots. It can be pottenttialy because they are hurt and they are continuing the cycle of bullying, or it can be just the rush of pursiing the seat of authority which does feel great. It can also be just because they enjoy themselves and an individual with a fixed personality and they assume there seat of authority. It can also be that they are just mean people, naturally. Bullying comes from many roots and it is wrong to just assume that all blullies come from the same incorrect origin.
Amen. He's overanalyzing Narcissists. Some ppl are BORN evil, bad seeds.
I was in part-time therapy for 16 years. My therapist once asked my parents to come & do 6 sessions so he could help them better understand me. My narcissistic father said, "No, I don't need a professional to tell me about my daughter. I know her [he did not]." My mother, who was afraid of him, agreed & said No. I never had a chance at reconciliation because my father was so invested in his view of me & would not let a professional educate him. I was a Bad Daughter & a Disappointment to him until his death because his narcissism would allow nothing else. Narcissism is extremely damaging to the people around them. Please don't give people false hope that a narcissist can be cured.
Xander Taylor thanks. beautifully expressed. There is no hope they'll change. Amputees don't grow new limbs. prosthetic empathy is what they already have and it's what makes them dangerous
People can change for the better I feel sorry for anybody who thinks it's impossible. If your granddaddy abuse you sexually why does somebody else have to bear the brunch of it. Why is this story void of hope it's of hope and change change with Is God's help. There hasn't been one word about contacting interacting the partner just getting rid of them. Why not give them at least a If chance and keep Compromise instead of conflict in mind. Everyone needs to look at their own Problems and be responsible For their part. Compromise compromise compromise.
@@outofthegoldfishbowletcete762 Sam Vaknin has a modal for npd people he's gotta long list now, but it only cures the supply side so far.. Just saying incase anyone needs any further help with npd people..
I think a narcissist despises weak people because they feel like they have conquered their own weakness. This is really detrimental when the narcissist is a parent and their victim is a child, because a child can't help being weak and vulnerable.
+barbara henninger This comment honestly perfectly descibes me as a person. If someone isnt outgoing or is shy, i just would rather to want to be around them.
barbara henninger Beautifully said.
They despise happy/joyful people as well.
Thanks Ross at 62 I'm just beginning my journey away from NPD. I appreciate your calmness and directness when you speak. No judgement.
In my opinion, this is one of the better, more accurate, videos dealing with narcissism.
I fully agree
Agreed, Jamie and Jay. This is more informative and seemingly without the personal baggage of some of the other posts.
@@metacomet2066 Very true, no personal baggage. Another channel with a similar approach is Vital Mind Psychology, worth checking out!
Thank you Jamie!
Absolutely agree 100%
An example of malignant narcissism: I went to the doctor with my husband; he is a narcissist. I was given bad news; possible systemic cancer. We went from the facility to the car, at which time he stated: "I have to get a death policy for you." There was no support at all; there never is, but that was especially cold. I don't think he can begin to understand this problem he has; it hurts others. He has continually buried me before a final diagnosis. It is about him, not me. If anything, I can take the cancer better than I can the negative, selfish concern for himself and how it is "affecting him." Don't absorb; ignore, as Dr. Ross says. Thank God I have the faith I do.
the physical cancer is an outpicturing of his emotional abuse. He is a cancer on you.....just eating you alive....feeding off of your emotional responses to his cold remarks.
Dear Denise
I hope you are recovering from the cancer you wrote of in your post of four months ago. I wish there was a cure for that and for narcissists like your hard hearted husband. I do hope you are doing much better and will be blessed with good health again soon. May God keep you in his care.
Denise Horn Denise I hope you are recovering well. That is such a sad story.. truly heartbreaking. I hope you stay strong. May God be with you always
I have a father who would of respond like your husband. I’m so sorry you must be in shock. Remember it has nothing to do with you. Keep your faith in god strong ... 🙏they are the most cold hearted, non compassion people alive.
Denise Horn I hope you found physical healing and left that relationship. 💕 A metaphysical cause of cancer or chronic illness can come from emotional trauma. I hope you left your emotional abuser & have since healed both physically & emotionally.
I have just broken up with a covert narcissist. At least I believe she was. I have been watching many videos on the disorder and what happens to people involved with a narcissist. I am amazed at how easily I was sucked in but also when I was shown the patterns it has given me great comfort to know I am not crazy.
What really shocked me about the pathological covert narcissist in my life is the degree of passive-aggressive retribution when I SLIGHTLY called out on his inappropriate behavior. He looked for his chance, waited for the right opportunity to wreck my reputation and esteem in the eyes of the group (in this case, family) and went for it as hard as he could. No empathy, no loyalty.... revenge. Stunning contrast to his kind facade.
You are not crazy they are !
How long did you take to get over the abuse?
Music to my ears - the narcissist will eventually face the music and fall from grace!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, for this hope, Ross.
I have a mother who is narcissistic. She takes over my entire life literally. Always putting me into false hope, denial, self-shame and guilt. She would claim to offer me support, only to put me down the next minute. Any friends and lovers I have are perceived as enemies to her. She always thinks I am plotting with someone against her, and I should oblige to the duty as a daughter to fulfill her entitled position as a divine mother.
I have lost my childhood, my youth, my education and my social networks to my mother because I believe in her getting better and I trust her. However, years of lies and belittlement beat me to the rock bottom, where I decide to see light within the darkest of days.
I am going to survive this.
I hope anyone of you who is facing narcissism would not give up. You have so much to offer to this world. Narcissists are not your entire world.
I feel you. Literally everything you have said is what I am going through. My mom is the same as yours. Maybe we can chat? Add me on Facebook or something, Bergen Clifford. Im from South Africa.
Helen Cheng
You are a wonderful person and the world needs you. Embrace the happiness and know this is not your fault.
Helen Cheng Thanks for sharing. I’m working on a plan to get away. I hope you have done that successfully.
I am a much stronger person now after going no contact. I hope you are going ok now.
How many narcissists dose it take to change a lightbulb
NON...they use Gaslighting
😂😂😂
It's rare to be able to see humour in a situation that is so grim - but you made me laugh, thanks!
Oh bloody hell. 💡💡💡💡
Good one! I came up with a joke about narcissists as well. But its not worth mentioning :D
i like this one!
Good one
You can be confident without ego, narcissists are completely based on ego. You can be observant, intelligent, and moral with FULL CAPABILITIES to see low self esteem, manipulation, deceit, WITHOUT being any of those things. Narcissists are always self serving and are social, which means they are always competing, manipulating, self serving, so NO there is no such thing as a healthy benign narc. Go towards self acceptance, self love, and being who you are- you'll find your morals, you'll become sensitive to what is Just and Good, opposed to unbalanced and insecure people. And NO, it does not mean your a negative person because you can spot it. ( just as you can spot an obvious hustler, doesn't mean you are one ) Work on your character, have integrity in everything you do cause YOU did it, be proud of yourself when you make balanced choices, be honest (at least with yourself), don't be afraid of humility (it happens to everyone all day, everyday) and trust yourself.
Well said! 🙂
But why the- “be honest (at least with yourself)”
Just - be honest. Period.
So spot on! my wife of 25 years is a narcissist. Multiple times she practiced infidelity and each time it was my fault. I kept feeling sorry for her and took her back 4 different times. The last and final time I set boundaries. Basically told her that she has sailed the ship for 20 plus years. Her ship has sunk and I'm the captain now. After about a week of that speech she baited me onto a verbal argument. Called the police to try and have me arrested. The officers told her no arrest and she freaked out. She left and obtained a protective order. my daughter and I were removed from the home. I challenged the order and in her testimony said how o broke a stick across her leg, constant physical abuse as well as mental abuse. my retort to this was I have no arrest record what so ever, while she has multiple. I told the judge do you believe that she would not have called the police if I was ever physical? I mean, she called the police for a verbal. The protective order was dropped. She moved out and back to one of her flings (who I might add successfully obtained a long term protective order against her). Good luck and good riddance to her! No more... I'm done!
i feel bad for her. if she keeps up, she'll end up alone for the rest of her time on this planet.
Still "done"? Hows it going now?
Joe Caruso wow that’s crazy good for you for getting your life back, wish you all the best to you and your daughter
Susan, there are two sides to each coin. Stop looking at him already (no sense in that anyway) and start the heck looking at Your part - the only part You can rightfully influence.
hello find a woman who truly loves the CREATOR and that has a personal relationship with him and dont settle 4 less than that
jumping jobs is not a characteristic of all narcs.-- the ones i met stay in high money jobs, and flash their money around, and drive fancy cars. materialism is the focus.
YES!!!! Materialism IS the whole focus.my sis-who is the narcissist - has always had a good job.she has invested 40 yrs ' crafting' a FACADE (at her work). I'm seriously am thinking about exposing her publicly.and I think she will disintegrate.
Gorilla Twist....I've experienced two narcissists with two job histories. My ex-husband, ex narcissist, has had the same job for 16 years. He's good at what he does. This narc was the work a holic type and material positions were always important. He wanted to have the best of the best in some things. Buying things to buy someone's love was also something he did. He also over extended himself financially.
The second narcissist has had multiple jobs all of his life. He loves money sure and material items are of importance. But when one has a job you have to be on time and work under some management, rules need to be followed. This type of narc gets fired or gets offended if they're singled out over an issue at work. This type of narc burns bridges. They over extend themselves fincially. If possible they become reliant on someone that will cater to their financial needs.
Marie Halsey I have also met both types. My mother in law is the latter you were talking about. She never keeps a job for long and is horrible at managing money. She's always trying to get money from her ex and children.
Yes I agree I was the one changing jobs to try and find a sane place to live
Yes that s been my experience too
I have been listening a lot to you and Lisa Romano and am encouraged to get proper coaching from a life coach/counselor. I am a single mom with two kids and i still have to live with my mom and siblings since i still need to save for my own place. I am continually challenged to make ends meet for my kids but I manage to provide for their needs like school and their needs in the home.Since we live with my mom, she is the one who apparently provides the food for us in the house and she buys some of the kids's food but this isnt something i impose on her or ask her to do. For years and years, she manages to make me feel like i owe her so much for taking care of me and my kids, for allowing me to move back in with her (since i tried to live on my own for awhile), for basically just living in her house and breathing in it. She and my sister consistently look at how I take care of my kids and just keep finding fault or look at what is missing in what i do. And if they help, it's like i owe them the world for it. They are constantly in my face and stepping on my boundaries--sometimes even taking my kids out without my permission, or doing things with the kids and not telling me. When i happen to do things i am passioante about like hike or go out with my friends , they make me feel bad for spending money on myself. I do allot almost all of what i earn for my kids but there is a good amount i allow myself to spend and they make me feel bad for it. Every time i manage to defend myself or state my side, I am shut down and none of what I feel is validated. My siblings , those who are blind to what is happening, think im the black sheep of the family and that i need help or something is wrong with me. I have managed to hold on to myself and do things i am passionate about for myself like singing and hiking. And i have managed to keep sane.But I am glad that i have come across your youtube channel because for the longest time i was made to feel that something was wrong with me. and that i need fixing. I guess i do need therapy but i am just glad that im aware that it isnt me and that I would know proper coaching from whoever will be doing it. and thank you.
Praying for you. My parents mad it unbearable. I went from a narcissistic husband to a malignant and covert parents.
They drove me out of the house and I chose to live in my car and their outdoor shed. Thank God I am in a domestic crisis shelter and am receiving help.
You are worth loving ❤️
Thank you for this wonderful information. I have completely healed after much counseling and study in this area over a few years after being involved with one of these extremely ill types of people. I can spot it now a mile away, the love bombing, obsessive behavior and overreacting to tiny issues. Thank God for this exposure!
Thank you for being the first person to explain this without all the hurling of weird insults. You don't say NO CONTACT NO CONTACT. You don't say all the evil things I found on the Danu Morrigan site. You actually really do talk about what a narcissist is. THANK YOU. You truly have my respect.
Thank you Heather. My goal is to educate, not to demonize.
+Ross Rosenberg Well thank you, my family needed a no nonsense video to understand what my daughter is feeling. We all appreciate it. She liked it too. Thanks again.
+Heather Holt Sometimes no contact is the only option.
+Lavender Dorie I am sad that it comes to that but only if both sides don't give a little, if just one side of the equation would give in, in the name of love, there could pe peace but sadly it seems it is a case of no compromise when I hear of this "no contact"
+Heather Holt That is not the way it worked in my case, or that of many others I've read about. I begged and pleaded several times with my narc to get counseling with me so we could work out a reasonable relationship. Otherwise, I was under doctors and counselors orders to break off all ties for the sake of my sanity and serenity, as he also fits into the definition of psychopath, and this involved a family partnership that ended up involving corporate crimes that I wouldn't be part of. Every contact was toxic and disabling for me, and always threw me into a tailspin. I did everything possible, and I was the child, he was the adult, so it shouldn't even have needed to be me who went to him. He always said no, that he didn't need any counseling, but apparently I did, so I should continue getting it. He said he's never done anything to hurt anybody, and who in their right mind could ever claim such a perfect record? I eventually learned it's impossible to reason with an unreasonable person. So yes, there are cases when even though one side is willing to bend over backwards, no contact is the only recourse. I tried it in increments of less and less contact, until there was no other choice.
Can you be my therapist? This video is so eye opening. My wife just finally made me realize this morning that I suffer from NPD. I had no idea, I thought i was slightly normal and everyone else just couldn't see it from my point of view. I always knew something was wrong just couldn't pin point it. It's not easy for me to admit, but I would really like to be able fight this. I don't think i'm imprisoned to it. I refuse to let this run my life that I now know what's wrong with me. Thank you again for making this video. Im going to start looking for therapists that deal with type of personally disorder.
salute for recognizing it and your desire and will to do something about it. just that alone...you're healed and don't even know it. it's just a process to progress, from here on out. good luck to you and your family.
Wicked Moto. Hi, I think you are the first person (and I have heard many) who I saw acknowledge a problem with this. You have taken a big step toward healing....God bless you. Jesus will help you!
I am also coming to see that I am too. I am so in awe to see myself in such a different light. I feel hope that I can change and be happy. Good luck!!!
It's very rare that someone admits to being a narcissist, because most that are called out on it, deny deny deny that they have anything wrong with them..It's one of the their more prevelent character traits ; denial, blame & shame.
Maybe you do have it, maybe you dont. You may have a different personality disorder that needs to be diagnosed and treated.
Great to hear that you want to address your issues.. I commend you.
Good luck
Good news! We are all narcissist in one way or another, but it doesn’t mean that you are bad. In fact, I’d dare say that if you were truly a narcissist you wouldn’t acknowledge that you have a problem. True narcissists do not admit fault, guilt, or that they have a problem. We, of course, could all use a little more concern for the needs of others over our own needs, but that is natural and self preservation is a normal part of the evolutionary process.
He fooled me for almost three years wow!!!!! I believe I was a co-dependent I am just starting to recovery. I fell into a deep seated depression, Mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Seven years of marriage . Finally I have a name to everything happened to me . I am free.
Been watching every video on this topic since facing my moms NPD. . . This is a very balanced perspective, quite factual. Thank you sir.
All my ex could do was point out my flaws. All the time. And he always considered it an issue. He, however, downplayed or downright denied any flaw I pointed out to him. I never made an issue of his flaws, or commanded him to do something about it. I asked, but I didn't push it because I accept someone's flaws.
He was constantly projecting. Called me a liar several times, and I remember so vividly I always thought "A liar? But... I'm not lying? Why does he try so hard to make me 'admit' I'm a liar while I'm not?" And many other things I didn't recognize he pushed onto me, things I couldn't even relate to or didn't match my viewpoints. But he genuinely believed that was what I was thinking or doing.
He had zero reflection. I was constantly changing myself, improving myself, constantly doubting myself but trying my best. He had no hardships. He was thriving off my issues. But his lack of reflection tells me he isn't going to chance. Probably never.
It sucks. I miss him. But he treated me like trash. He cheated on me and dared to blame me for it. I know there are better people out there. I hope someday I will meet someone. Because right now I feel kind of lonely. I'm sure that's part of why he managed to conquer me. Sigh.
Omg, this is my mom. I need to have my sisters watch this
Same here . She conditioned me to be in relationships with narcassistic men unknowlingy. Look up narcassistic mother / daughter relationships.
Calling the narcissist a drug of choice for the co-dependent , I like that. They can be as destructive and leave you as broke as some kind of hard drug. Now, that I think about it, far more people have probably lost families, homes, cars, jobs due to the drug of choice being a narcissist than to cocaine or heroin.
Yes. My narc was my drug of choice. That just turns my stomach. I am so glad to be 8 months NC.
Whoa
Thanks for the video. Only recently I realized my brother was a narcissist and that I was his main victim/target. He has been out of my life for quite a while now and since separating myself from him I have flourished far more than before.
Unfortunately, my brother will never see that he suffers from NPD so he will never change. I can only recommend that in the vast majority of relationships with a narcissist, the best thing to do would be to remove yourself from the narcissist, they truly are toxic people that will leech the life out of you.
I bought your book and will definitely enjoy reading it. I think you offer some great insights that will help many people.
I have the same situation. Thanks for sharing.
DID YOU GET MY EX GIRLFRIEND'S PERMISSION TO MAKE THIS VIDEO ABOUT HER?
TheCalifbozo funny
lol lol lol :)
The comment was funny, but it was extra funny because of the all caps!
Don't be silly Califbozo - Ross didn't make this video about your ex - girlfriend, he made it about my sister!
TheCalifbozo lol
Quite accurate and very articulate.
I went through love-bombing and then agreed to be there for my narc ex as she was going through divorce.
But I didn't subscribe to be a codependent, and when she insisted I started establishing boundaries.
She couldn't handle that.
Totally caustic and destructive incarnation of evil.
Cost me three years of my life, my job, a big portion of my money and mental and physical health.
I don't care if they don't see where the problem lies, they are the problem and it's not fixable.
Stay away from narcs, whatever stories they sell.
Run for the hill.
Let them deal with it. Let them rot.
Brilliant and concise. I am currently legally separating from my narcissist husband of 30 years so I know first hand much of what you say in this video to be true. The part about sucking the life out of you over time is precisely what I feel at this point. However, I have been in therapy, and read and researched extensively about NPD. I am looking forward to peace of mind and just living a simple life, one that is fulfilling but without all of the drama and uncertainty and pain that living with a narcissist will surely bring. I am also working on my codependent issues because I know If I don't I am pretty much destined to fall prey again to another narcissist personality. Thank you for sharing your videos. I truly believe you know and understand the personality of the narcissist.
Isn't it great to be free of the uncertainty?
I saw someone else thank you, and I want to thank you for being able to separate your emotions from your message. Many I've seen who call themselves helping other people in this situation often sound like they have yet to be much better themselves - hurling insults and more.
Thank you for being rational, practical, and neutral.
This is the best talk I have ever heard about narcissism. Empaths are at risk, as are the naive.
Thank you again, Dr. Ross. It's amazing how unfathomable the Narcissistic mindset is to the non-personality-disordered mind. I know all of what you've shared ( THANK YOU for helping to educate me throughout your videos and materials available in your store ), yet it still blows me away hearing it all again. Thank you again for helping me ( and SO MANY ) heal, normalize and then move on after Narcissistic abuse ( and THRIVE again ). Bless you Dr. Ross. And THANK YOU !!!!
Thank you very much for sharing your knowledge on this subject. 🙏
This video just set me free! Thank you, Ross!
I just recently heard someone say, “ I realize, you have put me in position of power to make you happy, but that is not a course I intend to follow. Not my job, not my responsibility to make anyone else happy. That comes from within.
All the manipulation and control they do to make another person behave to make them happy.
They act like they have power, but truly the power is inside of you, and they fear that. That is why they try to destroy it in you ( or their victims).
What sad persons they are.
Thank you for your wise words, and empathy to help others see the light.
Thank you 🙏.
This guy is the BEST I have come across in explaining the addictive dynamic between codependent and narcissist! And in general, describing the narcissist.
Thank you!
Narcissist's project their wrong doings onto others. So, they are victimizers who play victim. I would suspect anyone blaming a narcissists bad behavior on trauma either is or is being manipulated by a narcissist.
Truth Toby! I agree.
Toby Linville So True
Yep soo true
It is most likely caused by an attachment disruption in early childhood- please look into it
This was so HELPFUL....I am dealing with my sister who has destroyed our relationship and I've always searched for a reason why? I love her with all my heart however, I realize now what the issues is....she is a narcissist! I just pray the Lord will heal her and our relationship....
If she is anything like my narc sister, she will shift as she gets older. For 25 years my narc sister didn't speak to me. She triangulated her children and grand children against me. Very hurtful. Now that she is sick, older and feeble she needs someone to talk to. She needs someone to TRY and fall back on financially. I'm sort of okay with lending her an ear from time to time. But there will be no money exchanges because I do not know what is truth and what is a lie. Does she need my little money, or is she just lying. When I do talk to her, her conversation is always so strange and full of false memories. So I only allow it to go on just so long. I do love my nutty sister. But now I understand what the problem is. So thanks to Ross Rosenberg I only put up with her in small increments. Because she triangulated her family against me (I never retaliated), they as grown ups don't quite know what to make of me, right today. Her grandson made it out of her damaging clutches to become a Christian.
Truly great video! Only people who had personal experience to deal with a narcissist can fully understand all of this. I had a narcissistic boss on my first job. Very elegant woman, great looking for her age (she was in her 50s), very fun, good sense for humor, intelligent..clients of her office liked her,then also neighbors (people who lived in flats near her office) liked her a lot since she always talked and joked with them,helped them..etc. So,in eyes of people who didn't Share Their Everydays and their Lives with her,she was an angel. But for us,her workers, she was worse from a devil. Same like for her family, children, son in law..She was never satisfied with her any worker. And she had tones of them,nobody stayed long to work for her. Working for her meant to go to home in tears, stressed, coming on job nervous, occupied with thinking in what mood she'll be when you enter the door in morning..For her,all her workers were overpaid since they didn't deserve that money, they were always stupid, slow, superficial, mean, ugly.. The same way she treated her children,son and daughter, her husband, her sister..nobody was ever good enough for her. Nobody ever had enough of courage to confront to her since she was too dominate,too manipulative and too bastard to break them. And in situations when she saw that she made them too pissed,she started to play a poor victim..and it worked every time.
The worst problem of all is that most of people,victims of a narcissist, Never Realize who they deal with,they don't even know for that "diagnose" and whole their lives they desperately try to find the right way for dealing with that person using the power of arguments, trying to prove and explain them things..but it is all useless. The only right way is; to Run Away and Don't Turn Around!
Profound statement and observation.
Ross, you are nailing all the most important aspects of the NPD individual. Thank you. I grew up in the long shadow of narcissistic abuse because of my mother. At a very, very young age I knew there was something terribly wrong in our home, and it was my mother. Three of my earliest memories are of my mother chasing my poor dad through the living room, pounding her fists on the backs of his shoulders and I remember her bitter, foul words to this day, "You goddamned shit-ass bastard!", as we three children sat on the floor playing, suddenly watching this horrific, live drama play out. The other time was when my mother for some reason cried, hollered and wailed for a short time, then gathered us kids and my dad all together to have us children make up our minds who we wanted to go with. Why? SHE had decided that the family was breaking up and so she sat us down for us little kids to make our decisions there and then. I could not have been any more than 3 or 4 years old. I remember the whole family were all crying, including my father, traumatizing us children deeply. I spoke up and said in my young voice, "I don't want to go with anybody", meaning I didn't want this to happen, I was frightened, and I was incapable of making such a heavy decision at that age. She was trying to force us to choose between parents. How can you do that to a small child? A third example of her abusive and shocking behavior was when she physically attacked my aunt, her youngest sister in front of the whole family who were sitting in the living room. The large country kitchen was in the room right before our eyes, and she pounded on my aunt until she cried and cowered from my mothers blows. All for being mouthy to my grandmother. I was so young, I thought this was a "spanking" and I remember saying "mommy spanked aunt Sheila", to which she snarled, "Yeah, mommy spanked aunt Sheila" in a tone very inappropriate to use when addressing a little child. But I still hear that voice. That was my early introduction to family life and it only grew worse and worse as time went by. I eventually went NC about 8 years ago. I'm 67. Many deep and painful wounds were buried but I've done the work to uncover all of it and I continue to heal from the damage. I now recognize that I had developed C-PTSD at least by the time I was 20 years old. I suffered from migraine headaches, self-consciousness, shyness, generalized anxiety, social anxieties, depression by age 16 or so, nervous body rashes, stiff muscles, bad nerves, tension, fears, lack of confidence, panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, mild agoraphobia, mistrust of others, failed relationships, a difficult job record for a few years, dissociative disorder and deep shame. I wanted to be invisible and I became quite a loner when I was young. To me, strangers were too threatening to be around and I thought no one liked me. I thought I was stupid and worthless. How could they like a person like me, right? I finally, finally felt whole again in the past several years but still, it's a battle to keep that "mother-in-my-head" out of my consciousness because her words still invade and attack. Thank God I have a wonderful, supportive, understanding man now and it's the first time in my entire life I've felt genuinely understood, validated and emotionally supported. He is my great love. I wish healing for all survivors of narcissistic abuse. My parents finally went their separate ways with a divorce when I was about 23 y.o., and my mother was to end up marrying 4 more times. She is still alive, in a retirement home, aged 94 in October this year. I miss her and love her, but I must stay away for the rage I feel inside still. I feel agonizingly sorry for her because I know she was abused but she will never speak of it. Never. She'll tragically take her secret pain to her grave.
This is so spot on!! Thank you. I thought I was going crazy and I finally realised my partner is a narcissist with bpd. You described everything perfectly. My life is a nightmare with him, yet it’s so hard to leave.
Love your videos. Thank you so much.
I just left a relationship with a narc who is 70 years old. I find it so difficult to understand how someone who has been on this earth for that long and is a very intelligent person, would not have picked up "some" insight along the way into their hurtful behavior. After so many failed relationships, people telling them over & over how hurtful they are and having heard the same critisism woudn't they have to have gained something? Apparently not.
This is the most accurate effective and helpful explanation. I love the humane way this video is done. So much better than the hateful vengeful videos that I have seen. Kudos to you for such a great explanation.
A must watch!! I think what makes codependents like me value videos such as this is, is for every question answered I can relate with numerous instances for such tendencies from the narc. Videos such as this validate a couple of things... That I am not insane, that there is hope and recovery from the damages inflected, and we can put an end to this form of abuse - with boundaries and departure; because it is abuse in its true sense. Thanks once again for the re-enforcement and enlightenment.
I like what your dad says cellmate not soulmate.
It took me 13 years to realize what was going on. I really thought I just wasn't good enough. And he still years later is destroying us most importantly the child he begged me for. He has destroyed my whole way of thinking. I can't wrap my mind around it.
It will take time. Keep educating yourself
how are you doing now? Im just learning this about my wife, STBX wife. 14yrs of fake. Not sure sociopathy or what. I guess just plain old malignant narcissism. cheated on me the whole marriage.
The narcs I've known did NOT suffer in their families of origin. And they're from families wherein everyone else came out with healthy personalities.
+MB Stephens Thats true , some narcisist have no excuse, they just are born fuck up and defective.
Maybe they were lacking a vitamins for the brain , but the point is that when they are like that , we better run as far as possible like we see the devil.
+Michael Self I agree. family dynamics are complex and often it's the one that carries the role of the scapegoat.
I totally agree with Michael. The narc I know SWEARS he had an amazing childhood. He talks about his childhood like it was heaven on earth and even expresses sympathy for those who did not experience a childhood as great as his. The narc I know also claims that he had an amazing relationship with his father and that they were very close. Listening to him talk about these things gave me no reason to disbelieve him. Only to find out from his mother that his life and his father was the complete opposite of his recollection. Had I never spoke to his mother I would've totally believed him. This video helped me understand so much about npd
The few narcs I know DID suffer in their family environments to varying degrees. In some cases, a lot of abuse.
Wow.......I’ve been looking for your wisdom for most of my life, dear Ross.
Projection. Ugh! Everything he (falsely) accused me of; stealing, sneaking, cheating, etc. he was doing. Every. Single. Thing. When Satan can't get to you, he sends a narcissist.
Signed.
(former) co-dependant empath with daddy issues
They are wounded children that never grew up and you can never love them through it. Would love to see a video about 2 siblings growing up in an abusive relationship and why one ends up a covert and the other sibling does not.
Excellent recommendation. We are taking notes... thanks!
I was very wounded during childhood. Quite a bit, but I chose not to sell my soul to the 👿 Devil.
@@bonitasmith6064 Bless you & thank you. May I ask how old were you when you made that decision? I ask because I have heard on these videos that that type of decision is made very early on--before 7. Thank you if you allow me to pry.
@@adimeter I was raised as a Christian, and when the abuse started that opened my eyes to evil and never wanted to be a part of that. I'm an empathy and always wanted to help and make people happy from kindergarten until now at 61. Blessings to you 💯💪🙏
@@bonitasmith6064 Thank you for responding. That is so interesting. You made the choice at such a young age. God bless you.
Our culture celebrates narcissism 100%. Spot on and well said. Very informative video, thank you.
The world is getting darker.
My ex-mother in law was atrocious, she was conniving, evil and malicious. Not only has she got a few people wrapped around her finger she had me intertwined in it all. She used to betray me, rape me spiritually and connivingly trick me to do things I didn’t want to do out of pure fear. She’s evil. I’ve never met anyone more eviler than her.
Just wanted to share this with everyone so everyone knows what I went through. Thanks
+ Tu. I knew one like that. An evil parasite - hiding behind motherhood as if it made her a saint.
thank you - very informative - your efforts are much appreciated. Please don't stop making these.
My husband has poor relationships; no true bond. He immediately went to every person he could and told them of my situation. He needed the "pity"" for himself. Not one of them called me; they never have and never will because the family is torn down. But, he needed the "supply" for himself. It is terribly inappropriate and short-sighted of him. Prayer; a positive attitude; not hovering with constant comments as though I will die today would be nice! They cannot see because they are so busy spinning within themselves with constant worry about themselves. It is truly sad.
Above everything I truly feel empathy for them. I am not going to change my empathetic nature, I am not going to hold hate or grudge within me. I wish with my heart to help them, but I know they won’t accept it. I can only feel empathy because I know I will be over this, but they will never get over the misery of their soul.
When I see them fight, when I see them agitated, when I see them trying to bring me down.... it doesn’t hurt me anymore, I don’t take it personal, bc I know is not about me, its about them being so vulnerable inside.
I see them in rage or pretending and I just stare in silence and I think: I am sorry you can’t understand I want to help you, I am sorry you are not able to accept your weaknesses and yourself as a whole, I am not mad, I feel sorry for you.
But I can’t play this game with you, I don’t
want to harm you, I know you are already harmed inside.
Sorry, But I can’t let you change me for the worse, I must keep loyal to what is right, you don’t need me acceptance, you need your acceptance, and that is something I can’t give you.
I have just become aware that my 45 year old daughter suffers from NPD after 30+ years of horrendous abuse from her. I believe that this personality disorder was initially the result of being severely burned as a baby and seperated from me at that time for 3 months while she underwent treatment and surgery. However, her behaviour towards me has become so severe that I believe she will not be happy until she kills me - spiritually, psychologically and probably physically. This has led to my decision to break contact with her permanently. I have asked her to get help but...as you outline in your video...this enraged her more! A tragedy...wish I had known about this 44 years ago. Thank you for your video.
I hate who they are, but I do feel sorry for them. Its so sad that as a child, they were so damaged, that this develops.
that's the thing - giving up compassion altogether for them - its like being dragged two different ways at the same time
Eurovision 2015 mad suggest that you check out EMDR. most bpds stem from CPDST
Eurovision 2015 mad complex post traumatic stress disorder. complex because it's multilayered. childhood injuries compounded by the choices those injuries caused you to make. like marrying an abuser working for an abusive employer putting up instead of walking away. these are all choices stemming from learned helplessness acquired due to trauma and neglectful parents
Eurovision 2015 mad You might just be a psychopath or sociopath, with narc traits ...
You hate us? Well we fucking hate you. Probably too weak to keep up or something. Don't feel sorry for us because we'll probably be your boss for the rest of your life. You're the one who sounds like they have a poor self-esteem and are "empty" inside. My childhood was perfect and I'm still this way. Just because humans have the ability to feel empathy doesn't mean we have to. Why would I feel sorry for someone who means nothing to me when I could disregard your existence and keep on moving up in life? You should study how alpha-wolves are established. I'll tell you one thing, it doesn't happen by being a pussy ahah. This shit is just too easy man. Y'all are dumb and misinformed af.
Thank you for putting out a video that finally defines narcissism the way it is
Somehow I feel calling, labelling someone as being narcissistic is only half the story. People need to recognise that they are attracted to the traits of a narcissist which is why they're in a less than desirable relationship. The other half of the story is exploring yourself.
Greencheese The narcs are attracted to US, our empathic nature, etc ...
Greencheese of course. they are what RR calls the SLDDs. Rappoport and I call them co-narcissists. they're JUST as fucked up and they damage their kids just as much. Cos the real thing is ALL OF THEM narc and co-narc alike had fucked up parents who provided the environment in which their respective disorders flourished
Tia Haeuss but why are You attracted to them, hmmm? that's the real question.
or take so long to leave and putting up with degrading treatment lack of love dishonesty etc instead of seeing eats going on, referring to your gut instinct and refusing to NOT justify and rationalise unacceptable behaviour
outofthegoldfishbowl etcetera Not attracted to them. They are drawn to me because I'm an empath, and a kind, generous person. Got duped twice by narcs, but it will never happen again, because now I'm aware. Hmmmmm??
Greencheese it's called codependency. You need to do your own work but take care not to minimize the negative character traits of the Narcissist in your life. I know a person who was dumped but the guy keeps coming back for a "booty call" emotionally or literally. The person being used cannot see it for what it is. They make endless excuses for the negative behavior but also can't make the leap that this Narcissist is like her attention seeking. mother and her deadbeat Dad. She's sees her upbringing as normal when it was unstable and chaotic at times.
this is beyond TRUE, he hits the nail right on the head. hes good
I love how you deliver your videos, easy to understand, no complex terms and words we cant understand, thank you for your video.
Hi Ross, great video. Your comments on 'how it is never enough' and 'they always want more', are very recognizable. I refer to this as him being a 'black hole'. All love, time and attention (and also money) is being sucked in, nothing comes out in return. Also i recognize that shame/emotional pain is a very big issue for narcistic persons, they have no clue what to do with this feeling. While anger is alway ready available.
I do disagree with you on the origin of narcistic behaviour. It cannot be only psychological trauma. If my ex husband had a trauma, it is really well hidden. His whole childhood he was catered for by his mom for everything he wanted and everything he possibly might need. Although they were not whealty, he got what he wanted. He had a very succesfull schoolcareer with many friends, was really good at sports. There were many many successes in his young life that could have healed the two events that he is still memorating as being hurtfull and shamefull. One of them was a disagreement with a teacher over what was the biggest star our milkyway (he was 10 or so). The other one a quarrel with some neighbor children that he and his friend could not win themselves and his father had to settle it. I think that most of us a have had to deal with a little more than this and yet we are empathic, giving human beings.
To what i have seen, there is a strong genetic component also. His grandpa had it. His mom has it. The ex fits all definitions of a covert. And also our youngest daughter shows many many signs of narcistic behaviour too.
For my daughter I want to believe that there is both a genetic component and behaviorial component in this. I hope i can learn her how to deal with shame and emotional pain in a way that it does not hurt the people around her.
Kareltje, have you read my book The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap? You can find it on my website www.SelfLoveRecovery.com. It would be helpful to you. In it, I go into detail of the previous 4 generations of my own family explaining the transgenerational forces. I think you might find it enlightening. Best, Ross
As I started getting healthier & realized my lack of boundaries & codependent tendency, I started setting boundaries on a unhealthy narcissist friend and he just basically quit communicating. okay then.
This message is ABSOLUTELY GREAT! TRUTH REVEALED! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
I just figured out my sister is a narcissist, she has abused me my entire life,I feel so completely idiotic that I’m just now figuring it out.
Growing up I was taught to NEVER stand up to her, I was the bad one, I wasn’t ever as good as she was, I am not saying that as a negative, it was just fact, I was ungrateful and mean and ugly and she was a beautiful person.. I could never hope to be as wonderful as her.
I began to see the truth when I caught her verbally abusing our elderly mother, and she was trying to abuse my grandchildren (not physically) and that’s what woke me up.. after all these years.. I don’t know exactly how to deal with everything but these videos are a big blessing, they are helping me understand. So think you so much.
Best video Ive seen with NPD. It doesnt shame people but gives understanding to why they act the way they do. I think we are all have Narcissm in some way. Nobody has a perfect childhood. I like the understanding of why people act the way they do.
Excellent content. The best i have ever found about narcissistic traits so far. Thank you.
Thank you, Thiago. Please check out my other work at www.selfloverecovery.com
This dis order has to have some type of cure? Are there medical treatments out there? I feel so bad about my narcissistic family member. They are so totally lost. Makes me sad. Thank you for this video.
The narc in my life is simply draining. That's the best way of describing it. I'm in IT and he often calls me seeking tech help. I get to his apartment and almost immediately I am overwhelmed by his insistence on intruding and telling me what I'm doing is wrong or to not bother because he tried that already. I'm usually overjoyed when someone plays an active role with me in troubleshooting tech but my narc friend leaves me vibrating with utter frustration almost to the point where I feel sick. It's so bad, I end up crossing my arms and watch him further ruin the configuration or stumble his way through trying to fix it and if I interject with, "I think we should follow the instructions. That's how I approach my work" he flies off the handle and says, "what kind of tech are you? You should know all this already." It is very insulting and hurtful and infuriating. But I've managed to appear calm, cool, and poised while explaining to him, "if you think a techy person was born with their tech knowledge and Google isn't their best friend, then you best stay far away from the tech field as you'll go in circles trying to fix something that you think your brilliant and genius brain will figure out along the way. " It was said in obvious lighthearted tone although I was serious. He then responded in a typical narc fashion, "What on earth are you going on about? I have no idea what you just babbled about." I am often there for hours trying to sneak my way of doing things in when he's not looking but he always pounces on me when he thinks I am close to fixing it. He cannot give me the satisfaction of knowing I actually helped and helped doing it my way. On two occasions he eventually gave up only after I put on this act where I declared defeat and announced, "I am officially stumped!" That seemed to please him long enough to become distracted and allow me to fix the darn printer. He then tried as hard as he could to not notice I had fixed it and basically forget why I was even there. When I explained what the issue was, I said, "Part of the problem was your IP wasn't set to static, causing the connection to break when your printer was assigned a new IP. And about 90% of the problem was you." I then made it a point to chuckle in a very "I'm kidding!!" fashion. I'm not kidding when I say he then looked as if he were ready to murder me. He then proceeded to treat me like shit for the next week or so. Patience is my middle name.
ii never heard about narississic until 4 months ago i could save my son and myself from the devil year ago if i had known.from a life of pure living hell.
Mr. Rosenberg...you have NO IDEA how ecstatic I am to have ran across you on here. I have had pieces of you literature since 2001 when I put myself through rehab and are my treasures in life I always felt. Even to the point of pure panic mode if I thought anything had happened to them. Lol
I have spent most of my life searching for what is wrong with me. Why I felt the way I did. Why my marriage failed after 17 years to my best friend...my high school sweetheart...the father to my 3 beautiful children. Why my mother always would tell me "Carrie Lynn, you ought to be plumb damn ashamed of yourself" and to this day still does. I am almost 50 yrs. old. Three years from it. I have been single ever since my divorce in 2001 or 2, I can't really remember. How embarrassing is that? I honestly thought I was going to die from a broken heart. The one that I thought would NEVER leave me had left me. And sent me and my children back to the place I had ran away from when I was 17 years old. And to the person I ran away from. It took me 5 years to get away from there with my babies which were not babies anymore. And I was having a hard time excepting the fact the I couldn't turn back time to get any of those years back with them. But we did it. We got us a place and stayed for a little over 5 years. Till my Daddy got diagnosed with 3 different types of cancer at 75 and shortly after he totally retires. He asked me one day why my Momma would not come down stairs to be with him. I had no idea of anything comforting to tell my darling Daddy. And it hurt me to the core of my being. Not long after that he tells me that he don't know how he is going to pay his bills an all with the new medical expenses. It threw me. And with no hesitation what so ever. With no acknowledgement of myself or my babies. I said "Daddy, as hard as you worked for this family I cannot let you worry about money your last days on this earth. I will move back home and take care of things. "
Anyway...That was 2012...and my Daddy passed away 2012. I am still here where I ran away from WITH THE PERSON I RAN AWAY FROM.....where I was born and raised...where I was the youngest of 4 children with severe asthma...where I was molested by several ppl..........WITH MY SEVENTEEN year old son.....my baby.
I have to recover....I have to get away from here...I have to know what it is liked to be loved. ...to li e myself SO I CAN DEMONSTRATE THIS TO MY BABIES THAT GOD GAVE ME....SO I CAN SHOW MY 4 GRANDBABIES HOW TO LOVE THEMSELF TOO.
I am stuck in these 4 walls and I feel as if I am loosing my mind forreal.
So far, this is the best at explaining the narcissist to me. I thank you for sharing.
from Greek mythology, a man named Narcissius spent all his time gazing at his reflection in the water of a pond so the god zeus turned him into a flower - that is how we get the english word and meaning.
I think the quote "if you spot it you got it" is interesting, except that it would apply to everyone, including therapists. So I don't know where to go next with that knowledge.
woodsprout i thought the same thing, but i think this may be more about projection. Narcissists hate in others what they see in themselves that they hate.
That's how projection works and we all do it, which allows us to be aware about our own shortcomings. We can't change people, only work on our own dear selves.
Ross... You da man on this subject! You've helped save my life. Thank you Mr. Rosenberg! Xoxo blessings and continued success!
Truth, my husband does not remember his childhood and has very few memories. Suppressed memories for sure!
Wow. As a co-dependent who has been with someone with NPD for several years, I can say this video is spot on, and the last part describing the pain of leaving the narcissist without seeking therapeutic support is completely accurate. As someone who has a history of addiction and recovery, your analogy to withdrawal from an addiction was extremely resonant to me. Even though I knew the person I was with was making me suffer and lacked empathy completely, I still felt empty and lonely when she was no longer there. This is a great video that was helpful for me in learning about myself and my recent experiences.
Great educational information doctor! Thank you.
After spouse picks a fight over something stupid.
I tell spouse: you are fighting over something stupid.
spouse reply: no you are fighting over something stupid.
I tell spouse : don't you see???? your throwing our marriage out the window!!!!
He responds: no you are throwing the marriage out the window.
I tell spouse: what you are doing is wrong.
Spouse responds: no what you are doing is wrong.
I tell spouse: I no longer matter to you?
Spouse reply: no, I no longer matter to you.
So basically he just repeats everything i say against me. :(:(:(
nova rise omg! This hits home
I knew a guy like this also. Thank God we didn't last.
No such thing as "healthy" narcissism. Happiness comes from being selfless.
Oh when you have been chewed up by a narcissist, you have a sense of self. A worthless, pathetic, down-trodden sense of self. The only way out of that is all the way OUT. ALL of the sages spoke of letting go of the personal self, moving into our God Self...the place where our identity is given by God and cannot be touched by man who's breath is in his nostrils.
As long as you aren't being selfless - with a narcissist. No Happiness there...
Great explanation on all levels. I personally am a narcissist and use resonance repatterning to get to the source of my behavior. I’m 110% committed. And It’s been the Most beneficial treatment that I’ve been doing for 4 year’s. Never felt better and happier. My life and people connections are becoming beautiful.
Thanks for sharing Gabriele.
I've found success with walking away from the narcissist (even if they're in mid-sentence), because I feel like trying to reason with a narcissists is like riding on a train that has no destination and it's pointless trying to reason and use logic with anyone who is determined to derail you. I find this method works the best: I don't have to say anything in response and it says all that needs to be said, "I'm not engaging in the nonsense you're trying to stir up." Setting verbal boundaries definitely never works with narcissists, so I don't even dignify their behavior with a response, I just walk away or pretend they're not there.
This is the most perfect video on narcissism I have ever seen, and I'm still only half way through it. Videos like this make me feel I'm not alone and more importantly, that I'm not imagining what I'm going through, just like I've been made to believe that I imagine everything I think is wrong in my marriage. Yet I still hold hope, and am counting down the minutes till I get a call back from the marriage therapist to book us in. I'd like to ask, is it a good idea to show videos like these to the narc in your life, in the hope that they may begin to understand what's happening, or is it best to wait for therapy?
In case you haven't watched it yet, this other video may be helpful: ruclips.net/video/g_CgbkY87ps/видео.html
For all of you who keep insisting that the Narcissist you know was "spoiled rotten and came from a perfect family with a perfect childhood" are completely missing the point. If you pay attention, Dr. Rosenburg mentions that these traumatic memories are repressed and inaccessible! So you don't know if that N with that perfect childhood who was always showered with gifts was also getting molested (maybe even only once) but never spoke about it. What if that same kid saw his own sibling get hit by a car because he playfully pushed him into oncoming traffic but nobody ever knew that piece of the story, they just know he was run over and killed. You don't know the secrets N's have buried in their heads and you never will!!
LinkII08 i completely agree with you as I am in a relationship, or should say trying to have a relationship with someone that has this behavior. He experienced trauma in childhood watching a sibling supposedly commit suicide, but I feel that was not the real cause of death. I always had a gut feeling that he may have accidently killed his sibling as a child and suicide was used to cover this family secret. This childhood trauma has caused a narcissistic behavior, which includes no empathy towards others, never wrong and will always blame others, a know it all, gossips, belittle's others, lies, large ego, and he will hate & ignore me for weeks if i tell him he has don't something wrong, no consideration, doesn't care about how i feel. I always forgive him, because what i really see deep down when i look into his eyes is a sad, hurt, broken little boy. I am just learning about narcissitism & it makes so much sense now. I have been hurt, heart broken, and confused the past 2 years, but now I understand the reason for his behavior. I care for this man & will not give up on him. He is a child of God and we can not judge others because we have no idea what kind of trauma they may have experienced. This could happen to any of us. I don't know if i am strong enough to continue our relationship, but i will always be his friend and will try to see that he gets the help needed.
bke fh I know this is hard to accept .....But sometimes you have to love from afar .....pray .....and have faith God will heal them .....when/if they ever accept there behavior......your presence only ends up feeding and enabling there behaviors......there is nothing you can do ......he has to be willing to see it ,acknowledge it and change on his own. You cant keep putting someones needs over your own .......especially if they have no regards to yours.....youll end up lost with time pass you will never get back. Trust me I know.
Linkll08: We are all allowed to make our assumptions, based on what the know about the families of a narcissistic person. I personally believe that a single traumatic experience is not that important, unless it is covered up by the parents. In the example you have given (child playfully pushing sibling into oncoming traffic), the child is either too little, so that the repression works ( I mean by "works" that it works well!), or big enough to experience guilt, and then the question would be, why he did not tell the parents (or why the parents covered it up).
As for my narcissist, I would say that his childhood was far from perfect, but also not that bad: his mother is not a very warm-hearted person, surely had some problematic educational methods (including trying to convince the child that what he wants is actually not what he wants), but she is not a complete jerk either, his father pressured him into taking over the family business which he refused to, but could have been worse, too, he had a grandmother who was apparently quite caring. He has trouble in relationships with people in general and with women, in particular. He tried to find some answers through therapies, and he found them: a traumatic delivery by forceps, a mother who threatened the kids with smashing them against the wall ...
I think the real problem is a different one: he is ADD with autistic traits (and therefore took his mother's threats more seriously than they were meant), at the same time he has a sense of entitlement and a lot of envy against people who have it easier. His parents and the environment haven't teached him modesty and to accept his handicap. It is his autistic traits that make him egocentric, and the rest that makes him a psychopath. I think it is the ambivalence between running down and nourrishing the ego that leads to narcissism. He experienced this ambivalence in his family, in school, in his job and in his relationships with women - because there is not enough awareness about neurodiversity. People will be more narcissistic / psychopathic, the lower their self-awareness is (the closer they get to detection), the more ambivalent the feedback they get and the less inappropriate they address the envy issue.
@@evamartin8732 we are all allowed our assumptions even based on nothing at all.
I found the statement about a single traumatic event not mattering really activated my sense of offense.
[Begin sarcasm transmission]
What if the forty odd year old man who controls everything his 11y/o step daughter does, molests, shoots up with dope, and abuses in every way defined, as well as some new ways, was the victim of neglect and bullying as a child?! We simply must consider his feelings and excuse his horrendous behavior. [Insert sarcasm end]
This pisses me off no end ppl excusing abusers. The only abusers who should be considered for redemption are those who help themselves. Making up stories of abuse to excuse the abuse. Arrrgh. Sometimes it's so hard for me to see the areas I don't stand my grounded truth. But man can I see it in others. I said that bit about seeing a hurt person and not giving up on them because underneath it all is a person in need.
(Reality is more like: I want to keep looking away from myself I mustn't give up on other ppl and drama bs. Or God forbid I'll have to feel the feeling).
So long as I allow myself to be treated poorly I am giving up on myself. Really I don't have a hold of myself as is. So there's nothing to give up. I must needs hold on to the narcissistic flower so as to feel I have something of value. Giving me reason to live. Not just to live but to create and grow and live everyday with purpose. The protection and growth of my flower. The only thing we have to test our reality on is that which we sense.
my sister and i both experienced the same horrific abuse. she is now a full blown narcissist. the difference between us is that i used that pain to vow to never inflict ANY shade of that on anyone else, whereas she embraced it as a 'defense.' Saying narcissists can't fight there background somehow is a big 'screw you' to those of us who chose differently (I know you're being empathetic and caring, but really reallly look at someone's power of choice... if anything narcs who suffered abuse should know BETTER, not be less culpable). I think they're self esteem is JUST FINE. I'm not being unenlightened, quite the contrary, i've seen too much
i don't negate that you've seen the dysfunction and turned it around, good for you. but how can you put 'begging for love' on the same playing field as the narcissists' or narcissistically defended inflicting intense pain and damage to meet their "needs?" ("needs" often being for power or just sheer joy of seeing others' suffer, whereas the other's need is for love). far from the same thing.
I'm talking about core reactions, not core circumstances and need for defense. And I'm not talking about any 'fight' responses you had as a result of being raised as a narc. I don't know you and your situation. All The Best to You.....
Lay Low i never called you a narc. I'm talking about core REACTIONS, not core experiences. Don't put words in my mouth. But to address your words, a person needs to choose one way to respond or another. Your insistence on justifying hurtful actions based on a similar driving force, need for love, does not serve as a leveling of the playing field for the cruelty inflicted and kindness offered by different people "in need." And it decidedly does not take two to tango, Kathy Krajco said it best: "Narc Attack: Simple Case of Bad Guy Attacking Good Guy
Did you ever hear the saying "It takes two to Tango"? That's a common saying here in the United States, at least some parts of it. But I'll bet every language has a figure of speech that means the same thing.
It takes two to Tango: That's what you're supposed to say when gossipping about interpersonal problems between two other people. The only interest is in coming to agreement with your gossips on who is to blame for it. Because then you are bestowing judgement on people, and that feels good.
The doctrine firmly to be believed is that, no matter what the bad guy did, the good guy is partly to blame. I think this is construed as (of all things) "fairness" = unfairly (arbitrarily) placing blame on a person without one bit of evidence - just this almost religiously held slogan "It takes two to Tango."
As in the ballroom dance called the Tango.
End of discussion. Case closed. Victim is (at least partly) to blame.
Ah, wisdom!
A word to the "wise" - Yes, it takes two to Tango. And it takes two to have sex. But haven't you ever heard of rape, you empty-headed ventriloquist's dummies!
I hate cliches like It takes two to Tango. Many are as wrong and stupid as that one. Yet people eagerly gobble them up and swallow them hook, line, and sinker.
These stupid platitudes are just SLOGANS. Catchy catch phrases. They SOUND clever. That's all.
Whenever you hear slogans instead of reason and evidence brought forth in VALID arguments, look out. Because intellectually honest people don't have to fake thinking by parroting empty slogans.
Narcs are predators. Predators do not attack in self defense. They attack to eat others. They target easy prey, not anyone they have anything against. The CAUSE of their attack is a vulnerable target of opportunity.
Therefore, the only "blame" you can give the victim is for just being there as a vulnerable target of opportunity. Which is absurd. As someone noted yesterday, it's like blaming a bank teller for getting shot by a robber because she was on the wrong side of the counter. I don't care if that teller is a drug addict, an embezzler, or just plain obnoxious - he or she is wholly innocent in this matter.
The victim doesn't have to be a saint to blameless when it is a PREDATOR that attacks. The victim is wholly blameless, and the narcissist or psychopath is wholly in the wrong.
Of course narcs try to conceal what they really are by claiming that they were striking back at some perceived offense. They don't want you to know that they are predators. That's the Big Chill, man. If people knew that they just attack any defenseless prey caught in their sights, they'd soon find themselves in the Desert of Humankind.
So, of course narcs try to bullshit bystanders and therapists into thinking they were just striking back at some perceived offense. But you have to be a complete idiot to fall for that lie. Duh, just look at who and when they attack.
Then notice how obsequiously they bend over for insult from anyone they fear.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to add that up.
What's more, narcissists are pathological liars you can't trust to tell you the time of day. So it's irrational to believe them about this, especially since there's an obvious potential motive for them to be lying.
Therefore, for this lie to work, it DOES take two to Tango. The believer of the lie is partly to blame, because he or she is being irrational to believe a known pathological liar on a matter in which he has powerful motive to lie. No victim there. Just a liar and a glutton for being lied to. narc-attack.blogspot.com/search?q=it+takes+two+to+tango
I didn't see your response until now. Don't be sorry. All of this information is intense and it's easy to go places faster in emotions than our minds can keep up with. It's a big mess for all of us to untangle, thank you for your kind response, and for the suggestions. xo G.
Lay Low See you 'around', take care :)
After watching over 1000 + videos on Narcissism this video gives the most precise and concise definition of what Narcissism is I use it as my #1 abuse counseling video in my Ministry! Thanks
I loved this video and all the comments.I needed this today.I've been dealing with narcissists- in my family all my life.I was abused they weren't.I always thought' man it must be nice not to have been beat down etc.' You know, to have some self esteem etc.NOW I know it was more than good self esteem.