Everytime I caught him in a lie or some other mischievous endeavor, he would tell me if I didn't like it here, I could leave. Either he was bluffing or he was serious. One day when he said that again, and told me I could leave, I told him, "its already been arranged" and I left within the week. He wasn't expecting that I would actually do it! The look on his face alone was well worth it! Been narc free going on 6 years now. Never been more at peace and happy!
I did a similar thing! In truth I’m sure they never actually saw it coming as I’d gone back five times, every time I went back it gave them free license to up the mistreatment! One Christmas Day I decided I’d had enough and just played the waiting game while I sorted out organisations to help me. Within six months I’d left! I’m now living a fulfilling life with genuine purpose and friends. 🙏🙏🙏
@@mamabear3887 EXACTLY RIGHT MOMMA BEAR...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY🔥💫💗💛🔥💗💘💛💫💎💛💫💎💛💫❤💚💙🙏😎🙏😎😇😇😇😇😇🎼🎵🎧🎤🎧🎶🎼🎤🎧🎵🎼FROM YOUR FAVORITE SEXY ASS DJ'S🎤🎧🎶🎼🎶🎤🐯🐾🐯🐾🐯🐾🎤🎧🎵🎼🎵🎼😇😇😇😇😇😇ALWAYS BELIEVE IN :(** ANGELS😇😇😇😇😇😇 ,& DJ'S,🎼🎶🎧🎤🎤🎶🎵🎼🎶🎼🎶🎧🎵🎥🎥😎😎😎😎💎🙏& UNICORNS💎💍💎💘💛💛💎💍💘🔥💫💗💚💜💗🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥THANKS ROSS ROSENBERG
Same for me. I had no one. A good thing about having no one was that I could see through all the disfunction in the world and I reached out to God and I really worked at knowing God and knowing God makes it all worth it.
This explains why SLDD and narcissists feel so connected to one another. My former narcissist used to say that we were just alike. I disagree, but in some ways we struggle with the same emotions and trauma. And come to think of it, he was more needy than I was. I used to think he had everything together, but at the end I realized how deeply disturbed he was.
@@tammyfitzgerald5336 The devil actually doesn't take care of his representatives. He uses them and offers them superficial things for their cooperation, but he destroys their soul just like everyone else.
Yes, mine did the same with me, we both went thru alot of trauma with our Xs, he convinced me of so many things that didn't sit right with me, the red flags, but as we all no these types of ppl are good at making you feel sorry for them, they come across as if they No what their doing, they make you trust them, but once they conquer you they change, now everything they said they loved about you they now hate you for it, and then instead of any kind of love they look for anything to hate u for, I never knew about these types of toxic people as when I married 20 yrs ago and before I phones I was in deep and didn't no what the heck was going on, cuz again we all no how up and down they are, I minute they love you, then the next minute they hate you, ghost you rage at you and all it takes is u not answering the phone on time!!!! But oh they such nice ppl to outsiders to anyone they don't have to answer too, and it's truly pathetic their Ego keeps them stunted they bring nothing into a relationship but hate anger and caous, they only marry so they can have someone to blame when you react to their crazy, which over time can really make you go crazy, very dangerous ppl
They are more co-dependent than we are. They can move from one victim to another but they need people... whoever. They have a hard time living alone since they need a trash 🗑️. Besides, they are no one without an audience.
The more you learn about narcissism, the more you feel sorry for the people who suffer from it (as well as their victims of course). Having said that, people need to take responsibility for their healing, and seek therapy if needed. Thanks Ross!
I don't feel sorry for them at all. 2 years out with total NO CONTACT. I constantly told my narc that I loved myself. He was pure evil and I wanted AWAY from him.
YES! I am the scapegoat of my mother. My brother was the golden child. Everything you have said about dissociation is so true. My mother set me up for further abuse from a narcissist male. I am finally healing at the age of 30 and I have never been in a healthy relationship. I am finally getting to know myself, unapologetically.
@@tracyross5831 I figured out that my mom was my first abuser and everything else about toxic relationships and narcissists at 54! Still better than never!
Well this makes me feel better. I DID have loving people in my life, but over the years they all passed away leaving me with narc husband, narc mother and narc sister. Left the abusive husband and as soon as I did that, narc mom and sister turned on me and sided with HIM! Up until then they didn't like him. So I wrote them off too. Dumped all 3 narcs leaving me with absolutely no one. They did a good job of turning any casual friends against me. Been three years now and I'm just starting to feel stronger and getting my real personality back.
For years I was told that I was the source of the problem in the relationship. I was subjected to hours and hours of psychological “analysis” by my N wife, who told me I was selfish and arrogant and abusive; that when I said I love you, she’d say “but you don't know how”; that I was cold hearted; that I was controlling, (when in reality I couldn’t make myself a cup of tea without her permission!). And loads of other things. When my daughter put me on to this word narcissism, suddenly the lights came on. ALL the things I was being accused of were HER problems projected onto me! It was a great relief to discover the truth, for it is only the truth that sets you free. Good stuff here from Ross Rosenberg. Thank you for posting.
It's not often that I like being called literally crazy via the term "PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS." Yet that's exactly what it is if I continue on with some folks. Thanks for the virtual wake-up cup of joe, Dr Ross!
Same here...I grew up with two golden children...one from the marriage and one from outside. And I am oldest from marriage. A female...not the male heir...and a disappointment because of my empathy/sensitive nature and I was a sick child most of the time because stress affected me. Was expected to grow up quickly because all the other children came quickly and I needed to help mama and be the sitter, dish washer, bathroom cleaner, cook, and go to school. I am human NARC magnet. I'm in therapy for years and trying so hard to overcome... especially the last 4 years. I'm getting better educated to understand the Dynamics of this and not fall for it as much but I still do find myself struggling especially with the early stages of the BS. Once I'm already dealing with it I recognize it. But by then we are snagged aren't we? It just all then depends on how we react to it and how we handle it. I do my best to avoid the family troublemakers, but then it is hard there are always those family get togethers...yes, the golden children are NARCS...and I'm the black sheep. The scapegoat. And I've learned staying to myself is easiest way to deal with them...and this twisted world. It has only become worse.
It’s like you are living your whole life in a dark room and then comes Dr. Rosenberg and puts on the light 💡💡💡💡💡💡💡💡. Thank you so much! You are a gift! God bless you 💝
You’re the only one I’ve found so far who talks about how painful the pathological loneliness can be. It feels like you’re drowning and you will do anything to get some air (the drug).
Thanks for sharing Valerie. Hopefully you can look into more of Ross's resources to help you heal and grow. Blog: humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/ Website: www.selfloverecovery.com/
It’s good that you know this. That the problem has nothing to do with the narcissist magnetized to you (along with his fused family system cloud). Not being individuated from your family of origin means spontaneously seeking narcissists to medicate attachment trauma.
The loneliness makes us prone to enmeshment. Sometimes while I am waiting for a train, I feel that dull ache of loneliness, then I ring my mother...and then come away feeling worse than before. And on it goes. Its like a bird flying into a plate glass window over and over again.
At 21:01… so knowing that the narcissist will experience extremely more severe bone, aching loneliness than I will only makes it harder for me to leave because I feel bad. I know how much he will hurt.
I honestly wish I could find any therapist with a fraction of the understanding this man has of these dynamics, and how totally destructive they can be.
This is such a good explanation of what the sld is up against. Although I have gone "no contact".. There is the possibility that the narc will still try discredit me, smear campaign me or destroy me. I am doing therapy (healing the lost inner child). I have to master not to react to my emotions when triggered and learn to have abuntant self love so as to NEVER be attracted to any Narcissist. Thank you Ross Rossenberg for ALL your valuable contributions to helping me and others.
Now I have a clearer understanding of my issue. I suffer from SLDD. My mother was a narcissist. I was her target and the black sheep. She programmed nearly everyone in our family to loathe me. Years later, I ended up in an extremely toxic relationship with a full-blown pathological narcissist. It was very clear that this man was trying to destroy my life but in spite of that, I stayed with him until I landed in prison on account of him. Because of this video, I can finally began to heal. Thank you for sharing this awesome knowledge. It's truly a blessing for me. I am going to order your book today.
Thanks for sharing Vanessa. Knowledge is power! You can find Ross's book in different formats here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/human-magnet-syndrome-books You may also benefit from this interesting video: ruclips.net/video/csk_Mv5DJFY/видео.html
Run away and don’t look back like Lot’s wife did in Genesis 19. I fell into the trap of trying to get equity in a dispute with a narcissist. That just gave the narcissist more time to plan revenge. For a narcissist, any dispute is a matter of life and death and every encounter is a likely dispute.
This is the first time I have EVER felt more powerful than a narcissist. The way you explain it!! I had no idea just how broken these people are until watching this. It now makes more sense why they’re unable to change their behavior
OMG- still in stage 5 almost 2 years! He destroyed all my friendships and even family he went to with lies and turnt them against me by “ throwing me under the bus”
The narcissist only speaks to the 85% that Ross Rosenberg refers to in the Surgeon General’s Warning. You would have lost all those people anyway, just by healing. Healing (self love) means individuation from your family of origin (breaking the fantasy bond with your family system, and all the triangles that go with keeping that going). Imagine, just “being” would chase away that 85%. The narcissist and their smear campaign is secondary. A distraction. Connecting the dots on this one is really, really important. Narcissists can only operate in a cloud. The “Karpman Cloud” (Karpman Drama Triangle). The handoffs from Persecutor to Victim to Victim round and round create “dopamine spurts” where they imagine they are in control. Control is required so as not to decompensate. Even if they decompensated, restoring dopamine (such as you being enraged by smearing) takes that away sometimes in a couple of hours. It’s a horrendous illness. The video shows us how we share in the process.
You have answered so many deep lessons I learned after a 30 year relationship. This is so incredibly important for me to move forward, I am in my 70, Thank you for helping me come to terms with some of my incredible pain. I returned to my partner who was terminally ill and has since passed away.....it’s so difficult especially with this virus that also isolates us. If I have any chance of understanding and finding happiness it’s because of the help and understanding from you
It's just so comforting to hear someone that understands. Everyone thinks that I'm crazy, but is known for a very long time that although I processed things differently than others in similar situations, there was nothing wrong with me other than adapting to dysfunction in childhood and repeating the pattern in adulthood. Also good to know that this one special guy isn't really who and what I'm searching for.
I was codependent but now I am proud “black sheep”. I don’t search my worth in people’s opinions anymore because no one is perfect. Only God can judge me. And I don’t feel alone, I love to be in peace and with true friends.
What a wonderful achievement! I too have decided to be the black sheep and live in peace with and around those who truely appreciate and care for me. It’s a whole different life and so grateful for the lesson because I know How to protect my life and live in peace
Greta Brown Big hug to you. I am glad you give your life meaning to be loved, appreciated and to have people around you who truly respect you and making your life beautiful.
I left and divorced my narcissistic husband of 20 years. Had to endure smear campaign, turned one of my sons against me and he sure tried to destroy me. I see things a lot clearer now, and I am trying to get my two sons to understand the situations that we went through (one of the the victim golden child). Thank you Ross for your thorough and much needed work on this complex subject!
Exactly I'm going thru this now, he turned my son against me just so he can look like the hero behind my back, everything this man and his family has done has been behind my back, I love my son but becuz he's caught in the middle of a toxic girlfriend and her family and his dad and his family I was gained up on and discarded as if I'm nothing to them just so they all can walk around like superficial big shots, relationships don't matter to these ppl unless the relationship gives them the materialistic needs they so desperately need,
Wow. Profound description of my parent and being the black sheep, gaslite, the disappointment child because I left home very very early. Still, at 55, I’m invisible despite being self made, not owned or controlled like the siblings, I work on healing SLD. The need to be in a relationship. I got over that one. Took 50 years. Now dealing with aging cruel mother who sulks because narc brother of mine is non existent now that she needs him. It’s SO SICK. But I observe, like I was taught, and not ABSORB. It saved me. Thanks for the talk
Thanks for sharing Becky. We are glad to know Ross's resources are of help. Please check out the complete ODA video seminar: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique
I was very lucky to have a loving older sister and brother and supportive father to protect us. The golden child is a covert narc, her son is a narc and I pray for her daughter and grandchild. My dad sent us away to another state for college, sister was a famous model and lived in Japan, my brother went into the army and traveled the world. Golden child stay home. Thank God for my Daddy 💞
They will do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING to try to suck you back in. The ex-narc smeared, hoovered, stalked me, and destroyed my car 4 times to try to suck me back in. I had to change my number and move from the place I moved to when I left him. I kept working with the police/courts to file charges. He still kept coming after me with charges filed on him until he got an ankle monitor, which he has now had for 6 mos. He is still going through court hearings a year and a half since I've been complete no contact through all his punishment. It's pathetic and sad for someone to go to such lengths to try to destroy someone who loved them and was good to them, but left for their own sanity and peace. They don't mind destroying themselves in the process...
This is the best explanation for Narcissism that I have found. My daughter is married and in the process of leaving a malignant Narcissist after 8 years of marriage and one child. I wish there were more addressing the children of a Narcissist to prevent them from becoming one!!!
I have BPD & NPD and for the longest time I told everyone how great my childhood was. I was a scapegoat child who was parentified. I wasnt emotionally mature enough to consciously see the truth. Once I started facing the truth, I felt almost su*cidal for the first time in my life. The illusion was falling apart. I finally admitted it wasnt "all perfect". The next part of healing, which took years to get to, was to realize my childhood attachment issues caused personality disorders in myself. I suddenly realized how I was manipulating ppl to get my needs met, because I didnt feel valuable enough to get them met in a healthy way. Im still working on that. Healing is such a roller coaster ride, but God, when you make progress, you finally feel true joy, love, and accpetance of life and yourself.
That’s why revenge seekers are idiots cuz they haven’t fully grasp wat they’re dealing with, u can’t hurt a war machine that’s designed to destroy u and loves pain.
The external pain has to be worse than the internal. That's the only reason I can see they would be so mean is to release all their tension and anxiety.
Sometimes you need to apply pressure to some critical pain nerves to get the narcissist to lose his grip on you just enough to extricate yourself from his power. If you've gotten out, don't go back for revenge. It's as dumb as escaping a crocodile attack, and then going back to pet the crocodile.
This is what i teach. The pain we endure is monumental but it pales in comparison to the pain they are in and have endured. I hate it when people call them evil and speak of revenge. If we are as loving as we claim why, even in our pain, would we wish that on another? Especially on the one we claimed to love.
Actually! Living n Catching On And Leaving Same Is REVENGE! People Act Like They Scared Of Revenge 😂 It's Either U or Whoever It's Just That Simple... Anything Else Is Sugar Coated.
You sure nailed it in full detail, thank you for your in depth explanation of there disorder !! For an empath as I am, I’ve lost years from recovery but thank god I had enough of her bullshit lying, cheat and repeat circus act and found peace of mind being away from their mental abuse I never knew was right in front of me the whole 2 yr torture I endured and as you’ve said, she blamed me for her full circle mental mind fuk abuse !! It’s one hell of a black hole to be caught up in without knowing wtf was happening !! I do feel for her pain but because I went through the abuse it’s mind altering and took years to break free !! I wished she was the awesome person I am as she stole my traits and faked it all but now know she’s beyond help and why ? Because she will never change and doesn’t want to because blaming me for her illness is her game !! It’s sad and don’t wish this hell on anyone, don’t walk, run like you’ve got dbbl barrel carbarators fueled by airplane fuel, trust me if you think you can help them, your fooling yourself, get out and find someone else who cares about you and will stand by you not stab you in the back like a narcissist will do months, years later, thanks for this so important intel, it’s needed for the masses who never knew this mental illness existed !!
From years ago your content saved my life in this part of the globe doc...where there is no rehab or proper understanding of SLDD... I thank you and I thank God for having found you. Please never stop spreading your knowledge. God bless you.
I find it all extremely sad. Such destruction for generations because of how people were treated. My ex husband's dad was a prisoner of war which must had been so destructive for him, he then treated my ex really harmfully when he was a child and now he treats my children in destructive ways. I have taken years to find healing for myself and therefore also hopefully for our children. I left after14 years of marriage. What a long, challenging, painful road it has been. How sad for everyone. So grateful now for healing & hope for me & my children. So sad for that little boy trapped inside my ex who may never find healing & hope. This is where I pray that God can intervene & help at a level that people can't face going. I certainly won't ever think I can help someone who can't/won't face their pain. I would just fall back into the trap.
Totally agree with you, it is Soo SAD it ruins the family unit. I wish you the best for you and your children, it takes years to heal but has made me a much stronger woman, I actually at times feel sorry for ex husband he was abused and had an alcoholic father that never participated in any of their lives, my ex never spoke about it but tiny tiny words would slip every now and again, it is just SAD.
@@susanmcmahon4733 Thanks so much Susan. I understand what you are saying about your ex husband. Really Sad. Somatic Experiencing & The Polyvagal Theory have been so helpful to me in dealing with all this. I'm currently reading The pocket guide to the Polyvagal Theory by Dr Porges, which is so fascinating to me.
I appreciate this video because it prepared me. I didn't believe that I'd lose 85%-90% of my relatives/friends after drawing my boundaries against my mother's financial abuse and emotional blackmail using my dying dad. But because of this video, I wasn't completely floored. Just slightly floored. :) It's true. You wind up losing a LOT of the people whom you THOUGHT had your back. But... it's actually no big loss, because they never had your back, right? It just hurts to know that they deceived you for so long.... :( But the good side is... I discovered who my real friends and "family" are.... it's a blessing and a curse. And although my circle is smaller... it is super strong now. No enemies in my circle, you know? Blessings to everyone going through this healing process. It's so hard. But.... once you cut these people out of your life, things slowly improve. Always learning. That's the key.
Thank you for this vey insightful video. Based on your video I believe I am an SLD. My biological primary parent I believe, is a malignant narc.I left home at 15 due to neglect/abuse (emotional/physical) and then some. I have always attracted narc male counterparts, namely, my last relationship. I am always the person that "rescues" people and it ends up hurting me and I feel more alone. It's a vicious cycle. This is the first time someone has described the gut wrenching pain I feel. My entire family of origin is a disaster and I am definitely "the black sheep," even though I am an accomplished lawyer. ty.
I wish I could find a lawyer who understands these dynamics. Some Narcs are truly dangerous and destructive and should be locked up. Imagine a narc who is a cop. That's a community you really don't want to come up against
Out of the hundreds of videos I’ve watched on this topic, this is one of the absolute best... it makes things click! Such a deep and confusing topic. 🙏🏼
Very Illuminating! Your explanation of a narcissists attachment addiction explains many many comments my exnarc has made over the years. For example, He even said he had planned to quit college until he met me, but our relationship helped him. Of course back then I thought he was trying to say he loved me, but now I can see it was exactly how he stated it. He was suffering profound loneliness and I took that away. In my SLDD I needed him to need me. But there was never any caring about me, not in 40 years Just the ‘Needing’. Excellent video.. Now I’m awaiting the wave of destruction that must be the next step. Cannot say I’m looking forward to it, but.... it’s part of the price I must pay for freedom. Right?
Yes, pay the price, its worth it!! No contact for 16 mo after a 16 yr marriage. I'm 65 and not too healthy, but I moved 500 miles away and started over. I received a fair settlement i can live on. Best of luck, many people helped me, and God had my back. You can do this.
I am terrified to take that step. I know I will be separate from my children and grandchildren. I know the shame he will put on me with all my good friends. I don’t know when I will be ready. Meanwhile I live with him in this hell. Everyday I dread when he comes home after work.
Insc : 😢 It’s a tough decision, and we always seem to make the wrong one. I found out about my spouses lying 35 years ago, but stayed for the children. Now that I’ve moved on, the children don’t speak to me. Staying for the children turns them into golden children or SLDD people. My therapist told me, “ You know your daughter is your (x) spouses Golden Child?” So my 35 years of gritting my teeth served no purpose. I’m saying this because it’s not my place to give advice but to support you in your angst. Ultimately it’s your life and your decision- I know it’s tough. My divorce is fresh, and it’s very quiet here, no spouse, no kids, no company because of this virus, but my gut doesn’t tighten every day when it’s time for him to come home. I have supportive friends and a few relatives who haven’t bailed. Life is good. God only gives us so many days, I’m taking what I have and treasuring it.
@@insc8262 Leaving my ex husband was like a thriller, 25 years ago. Even though I have left homeland, friends and family I still have stalkers following me. He has done what ever he could to destroy me. Turned everybody against me : family, police, friends, employers, neighburs. All those people represent him, they seem happy to make me suffer. They came up to torture me, it seems never enough cruel, for example kill my cat. So many things who hurt to much to remember like collective rape with trespassing, employed dentist to pierce my theets so I would loose them to be less beautiful. This situation is still ruining my life, how come he got all this people to believe him ? He got a good chance to turn a pretentious cop against me and the avalance came rolling. With this, most part of my family, police and other disturbed personalitys which may have personal interest like proxenetes. I'm here now, at rock bottom. Still better than continue in this sick relationship which may have killed me anyway. I was sick of him, had irritable colon, it was nearby colon cancer. Since years those followers try to starve me now to death. I'm not far, no job, no help from society, unsufficient help from my son. Still searching and hoping for justice, truth help and peace. Of course, it was easy for him to turn my narcissic father against me, the bigger part of my siblings, a pretentious cop and my codepending bipolar mother. It is quite a lot, too much to be exact. I'm working on my healing everyday since years. Wish me luck. Thanks for the video dear, very instructive
I was the golden child, then the truth-teller, then the scapegoat! That order pretty much aligned with my awakening and healing! My siblings ended up being narcissists. I thought I was too, then I realized I have empathy, I acknowledge my trauma, & my need to grow and seek feedback from healthy people b/c I need a non-toxic frame of reference. I feel compassion for narcs, their world is dark but I go no contact b/c you can't help them and they try to ruin your life!!
Ditto. After becoming the truth teller you become the enemy of the narcissist and of course the Black sheep and then you leave and they try to destroy you, lie about you and then before they die expect them to disinherit you .But you have saved yourself by becoming the truth teller and by refusing to play their game and partake of their lies .You have set yourself free and broken the generational curse . It stops with you !❤
There might be SLDDs but not everyone who is targeted by narcissistic people come under that blanket name, narcissists target open loving people and bombard then with love, or at least the outer expression of love, then when the target has opened their heart fully they are in love!!! This is a real state of being!!
I am of the belief that this isn’t possible. Narcissists vibe off of the attachment trauma of a person. The trauma of the person means that the reaction to trauma has been to cut that part off. To fit into their family system, they create a false, compartmentalized self. The narcissist is like the SLD person, but with exponentially more attachment trauma. And they are “emotionally autistic” because of it. The narcissist targeting “open, loving people” is surely a myth. They are going for holes in the identity (boundary). People who either say they had “loving parents” or that they have “forgiven” those that traumatized them. Not so, and the narcissists is attracted to the lie. That’s the re-formation of the unhealed trauma bond of the SLD. Beyond all that, the narcissist isn’t even really “a person”. He/she is undifferentiated at the infant level, and is stuck collecting “objects” (object relations) in the “all good/all bad” world of a baby. Your comment suggests that the narcissist’s view of the all good/all bad world is true. The narcissist is wrong, and the traumatized targets of this mentally ill person can correct the error they share with the narcissist. The narcissist remains fused and cannot. Not understanding this just keeps the flow of dopamine (narcissistic supply) to the narcissist going.
Ooh yes! I have finally got it. Now I have a healthy relationship with a person who is able to communicate at a deep and and empathic level. I had to go through loneliness and face my SLD. Now I am not ashamed of my shame. Thank you so much Ross! My mission is to break this cycle with regards to my adult son. I'm managing to be unconditionally loving while retaining my self-respect. 💚💙 I still struggle with fear of abandonment but I know that it has a cause which has nothing to do with who I am or with my worth. Now I can breathe, and stop before trying to get relief from the pain through being validated by anyone else. Much gratitude 💚
“Stop before trying to get relief from the pain through being validated by anyone else”. Wonderful. That’s breaking the “using” part of addiction, so that healing can happen. Thank you for this success story.
This makes me think of why the hoover attempts feel so negative -- because they make me feel guilty, which could actually be shame that's already there. Also, the narcissist acts clueless (cut off from bad feelings), so it makes you look like you're making it all up , as if you are crazy or vindictive -- hence, more shame.
It's necessary gives to oneself time to heal. The whole healing process is challenging. Channels like yours are saving lives. Narcisism is a serious mental illness. The next generations repeat the trauma. Your book is wonderfull! Highly recommended.
I had a breakdown then i put the full puzzle together. It was very hard after i was brought up by parents who were Narcs and i married one. There was a lot of inner work to do but it was worth it, i like my own company now and solitude to make my own decisions and live out my life how i want and not how other people expect it should be. Looking at relatives and past friends, a lot are Narcs whom i got rid of. I hate being anywhere near toxic people. Thank you for you video.
Ross, I am your number one fan. I tell everyone about the ‘Human Magnet Syndrome’ such as other RUclips sites and even work colleagues - I showed a few colleagues your book at lunch time the other day (which I’m reading for the second time). It’s changed my life. My favourite saying of yours is ‘of course’. I’ve learnt to take things less personally because of this. I’m forever grateful to you, more than you’ll ever know (and other RUclipsrs who are also empowering us on the topic of narcissism). Thank you🌻
Thank you for this clear explanation about the pathological narcissist, how much more intense their deep pain is, and why they seek with tremendous focus and determination to annihilate and destroy their supposed 'foes'. I now better understand why my father has done, and continues to do all in his immense power to annihilate me, why my mother worked with him to do so even after her death 2 years ago, and why my sister so masterfully manipulated them (and the situation) so "exquisitely" to gain all that she did and has from them, and to "finish me off" in the family; and why no matter how much love I express as a daughter (from a non verbal, non physical contact, only emails and notes), my love will never find a loving "soft spot" within my father. "Thank god for God" in my life, and thank you Ross, and other teachers who help us to understand that it's not us so-to-speak, and to know the what and the why so that we can keep working on healing with all that we've got, because we deserve wholeness, healing and freedom. Thank you for writing your book, and for your teachings, and this message.
This was so extra good the second time around. It's also a little bit frightening. So far I have dumped 4 narcs. I had had moderate hovering, a bit of stalking. The 3rd narc decided to slink away but it remains to be seen how that 4th narc is going to react. Hopefully the others will not return. Thank you for this wonderful teaching Ross Rosenberg.
Best explanation ever on WHY narcissists can't accept responsibility or feel shame. I feel sad to a certain degree that this has happened to them, but at the same time I know that for the normal human being or even the SLDD's it's really hard to comprehend their complex personality disorders under the normal human eye level of comprehension. I just know that's they pass on or project everything they feel on you and it's extremely difficult to deal with.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am the daughter of a narcisstic father and an SLDD mother. I had to break free from my father, and I have had so much confusion about it. This video helped me gain clarity.
You are amazing! Thank you for providing valuable information. I’m an SLD, trying desperately to recover from a 2 year on & off relationship with a narcissist that is addicted to BDSM, has no desire to reciprocate emotional / physical attention & gets off on inflicting pain, deprived me of emotional & sexual happiness! I was just a source 🥺😢
When are your brethren gonna get together again to update the DSM? Dang is that thing behind the times. Your pyramid is BRILLIANT, and SLDD oughta be included as a legitimate diagnosis for people like me who grew up as you described. Seems the perpetrators who cause the trauma get all of the attention in the DSM, while those of us who suffer the trauma they cause can't even get C-PTSD listed in there. Time for a revolution in the field of psychology, eh? Oh, and this is the second video of yours that I watched and now I'm a new subscriber. Looking forward to your future vids, and will take the time to watch your previous ones. Thank you for breaking everything down in a scientific way, and for knowing that your audience is intelligent enough to hear this information as if we are your colleagues. Much respect for that.
Thank you so much for your comment. You can find Ross's work on this subject in this seminar: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
I'm so thankful for this video. The loss of 75 to 80 percent of people has been in my experience. This information and framework has been the missing link to my recovery. Seriously, thank you for your work.
Ross that was the best presentation and explanation of cause of self love deficit dynamic vs narcissistic behavior dynamic disorders of the pyramid scope of pain, brokenness & loneliness of codependents & narcopaths traumabond child/adult dysfunction. It is beyond the understanding of why the narcissist behaves in such destructive patterns & is incapable to love the codependent/ healthy people. This repression of the narcissist child is absolutely so fragile to what the narc parent created in the child it more deplorable than the narcissist itself. Such sadness and the cycle continues.
that surgeon general warning is SO accurate. i escaped and lost a huge chunk of my friendships + more after i started setting boundaries. yikes. i feel a lot less shame now. Thank you.
I am so grateful to you that you placed the proper name to codependency. This “light” helped so much in my healing journey. It makes so much sense now!
Soooooo very helpful as I'm pulling away from my 28 year narcissistic husband! God bless you for trying to help! #strugglinginoklahoma #runningtowardsfreedom
As I’m watching your video... my jaw is literally on the floor. I just wish I had seen some of your videos before I called him out. I now realize the losing battle and then making my plan. You are absolutely AMAZING!!
Thank you Ross. It’s so interesting. I’ve read your book and have it on audible. I’ve been working on detachment for nearly 2 years. I started a full time job and am now keeping my salary for the first time in 30 years. My husband who I believe is a narcissist says he wants to be a better person and is sickly nice to me. Thanks to your work and others I recognise the manipulation. I thought your book was spot on. It made me feel sad because I knew it was true of my childhood.
Did your husband start being sickly nice to you, when you started to detach? Because as soon as i started to detach and have made a determined decision...it is time to leave for real....he has been being sickly nice to me. Its like...insanity. but it's all just a manipulation right? Because he senses the detachment...and is working on his manipulations to reel me back in.....???
@@pegasusgenesis360 It’s desperation. It has nothing to do with you at all. There is no “you”. Only the safety of your family system. Narcissists attach to clouds, not people. He feels your attachment trauma like a Wifi. Just as you feel his complete and utter emotional unavailability. It’s a transaction. Fusional family system cloud to fusional family system cloud. By detaching from the family system repetition (him), he feels his own abandonment trauma.
@@WDBDWK wow. That's an amazing analogy. What you said is completely true...and well said. Thank you. I will use this in my thoughts. Clouds/wifi.....I mean....that is spot on.
27:14 with my parents the scapegoat held the parents accountable from age twenty one and on, because the scapegoat was made aware at that time by another person that the upbringing was extraordinarily severe. The rest of the siblings then turned on the scapegoat once again. From age seventeen to twenty one the scapegoat nearly reached the level of the poster boy. That explains the word "again" in the previous sentence. From age seventeen to twenty one the scapegoat was the oldest child at home and the rest of the older siblings were in a different continent. The scapegoat was also a very capable worker at home. Now, thirty some years on, the scapegoat is once more the sought after child by the surviving parent. Holding on to the same childhood religious values plays a very big role in the scapegoat becoming accepted again. The parent also most likely seeks validation from the scapegoat who rendered accountability at age twenty one.
WOW this video explained in HD details my previous relationship with a narcissist (abuser partner) and how he somehow managed to make me feel guilty about everything that went wrong in the world. Even the physical abuse somehow became my fault, and I for some time believed it. I was scared to death to leave him, inside of me I knew there would be consequences... and there were. I had to leave my house, I traveled from country to country for almost a year running from him... from me... from everything. But watching this video made me realized how much I needed to break free from the loneliness syndrome... and forcing myself to be alone gave me clarity about who I was/am. I had an instinct to film all this journey of running away, and turned it into a film. Every time I watch it, it's like watching someone else going through all that... crazy! Also had flashes about my childhood. Very interesting.
Just found your channel and fasinated by your explaination of the dynamic between the narc and sld, which is excellent. Have never heard the term sld before - its a perfect description of the condition. The calm way you talk and the feeling of having time (not rushed when speaking) is amazing! You have a demeanor that nothing would shock or surprise you, as you've heard and seen it all. Have thought about going on a program and will look into yours. This is my first time on channel - lookin forward to watching more:) Thank You, Denel Barak
At one point for SLDD it becomes a habit to automatically divert attention from his/her own needs to the people (even animals) around them. Taking care of others, having pets and plants, following celebrities etc.
This all happened to me, co-dependency with narcissist. It all makes sense. Thank you. It was a prison sentence ending the relationship and traum. 17 years and still emotionally healing. To say what a journey, is understatement.
Very sobering video. A frightening but extremely clear exposé of the dangerous storm that is behind a narcissist's "I miss you" . It shows the reality of the terrible vista continually faced by SLDs, especially a parent, who must retain some contact. This raging storm of destruction, because it is so controlled, so expertly manipulated, so "impression managed" is not picked up on by onlookers , leaving the SLD exposed , alone and in harm's way. The SLD suffers the terror of this storm at every contact. The narcissist is deliberate and unrelenting and made powerful through this ability to destroy undercover. Society should do more to protect SLDs. The rules of society force many SLDs to remain in some contact. Legislators, lawyers, social workers, general educators need to learn the lesson of this video and play their part. Narcissists get away with too much. They are sneaky because they know what they do is wrong and to avoid accountability. Society as it stands gives narcissists who ruin peoples lives permission to hide, to remain unaccountable and to cause destruction. No wonder they feel so owerdul, no wonder they are so unrelenting. Something needs to be done about that. "Relationship" should be irrelevant - society should hold a person whose actions destroy others accountable, no matter who they are. Thank you for highlighting the force which is behind the narcissists interactions with an SLD who wants to go. You really get the reality across very well, I wish this was more widely understood.
I had only heard recently of the term 'gas lighting' I am understand more now what drives others to behave the way they do and my part in the attraction to like wise. Thank you Ross I enjoy watching your videos, learning and hopefully healing.
Finally makes sense, Dr.Ross. Now, I know the road I must take...the answers and healing is here. When I can afford it...hopefully soon...I am walking this path. Recovery is possible, after all I now see. TYSM for everything. You are saving lives.
So glad this is helpful Angela. For more of Ross's resources, please consider visiting his blog humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/ and website www.selfloverecovery.com/
The study of narcissism/narcissists..who they are..how they process things mentally ( or the lack thereof )..why they do things the way they do..their logic..is totally maddening. Might sound a little insensitive, but having dealt with them both the grandiose and covert narcissists I personally think the "chip" that makes them normal rational thinking beings has been lost/removed or was never inputted at childhood.
One year ago the ex narcissist asked me to move out, complete shock. He gave me 90 days to move but then became paranoid and delusional and then wanted me out ASAP saying I was his renter & he my landlord. This after living together for 4 yrs. No lease, just what I thought was a romantic relationship. . He behaved as if I was the one who wanted to move out. He hid his toothbrush, laptop, towels, toothpaste, medications & more in his locked bedroom. I slept in the basement. He would get up at night to use the bathroom & lock the door behind him. ???? He hid our rescue dog at his moms until I moved out, saying I made the dog nervous by crying. He packed up my personal items saying he had a right to touch my stuff. He followed me around the house filming me crying and yelling at him threatening to send it to my children and put on FB. He forbid me to go into parts of his house & garage. But he had moments where he would hold me and cry, saying it was all for the best. Crazy behavior. Last moving day found me going into the forbidden garage to retrieve my items. He went into a rage like I never saw before. I ran as I thought I was going to be killed. Later that day as the movers were there, the constable served me. The ex tried to sue me for back rent. Of course he didn’t win. There was no lease and the judge told him to grow up. Also, he said he didn’t know what to file against me that day. He also upgraded his security cameras exterior of the house a few months prior. Wonder if he knew this discard was coming. Think the cameras he always had were his way of protecting himself from being exposed. I do not understand how he could be so upset and angry during all this. Why did his adult daughter and ex wife show up in the last day I moved? Ex wife actually helped load stuff!!! ???? They always got along well but divorced over 25 yrs ago. Neither ever remarried. I don’t contact him at all. He started contacting me during Covid texting me stay safe, stay well. Never responded. Just last month he text he would not be texting me anymore. What is that all about? I have healed via ptsd therapy & happy and content being alone. Gone are my abandonment issues. But, I don’t dwell on these questions I have but as a RN, I just wonder why narcissists behave in this abusive, crazy way.
This video has been thorough in helping me understand pathological narcissism and SLDD. The narcissist I have been with for about 4 months over the Internet is a celebrity and has shared so much with me. I know I am giving far more than he, but he cannot change who he is. My heart breaks for what he and my brothers went through compared to me and my sisters. All I can do is pray for them. Thank you so much for your programs and videos. This person goes just so far in a program to help him reflect on his abuse, shame and how he has treated others, but then cannot take anymore. I want so much to help him understand that the pain will eventually end if he can complete the program, but I cannot make any promises. I am now calling my sister to have her watch this and your other videos. Thank you so much.
It has been difficult for me to understand the lack of insight by the narcissist. And why they must always be right as their position. I will listen again because I believe you said they can't work in therapy because of disassociation of the painful event they experienced. which is now in their subconscious. Thank you Dr. Ross for your expert knowledge of this disorder.
I knew something has happened to my narc in his childhood. I used to think it is strange there are quite a few parts of his childhood he doesn’t have memories of.
@@RossRosenberg you're most welcome! I hear others on social media say all the time, ..and I agree, it's challenging to find an in-person counselor who understands this disorder However, social media with videos such as this, is so very helpful.Much appreciated Dr. Ross! Have a great weekend! fondly, Trish
It’s almost always years of sexual abuse. That shit warps a males mind cuz they often nevr speak about it or do and use it as manipulation. But to be wrong means they could be wrong about everything. It’s like a fat cartoon character that is always saying she’s skinny, but will lash out at the slightest hint that she’s fat.
Great video Ross. Your videos have been a tremendous support for me over the last two years. During this time I have weathered ridicule, rejection, criticism and abandonment due to breaking free of my SLDD role in my family of origin unit. The personal power breaking free has given me has been worth every second of pain. 💪💪💪 Thank you! 😊🎉
Dr. Rosenberg, I have followed your channel for years. Your teaching has been helping me to survive and endure this life with the narc. I still don’t have the courage to get out of it. One day your teaching and encouragement will help me walk out of it. Thank you.
Immaculate Doc Nato how do you set firm boundary? I have tried for couple of years now. He still do that same things. I know better to not feel hurt. How do protect my rights?
@@insc8262 do you share a bank account? Do you have mutual friends? Projects? Etc? This is what has helped me in the 18 years I have been with a narcissist. 1. I have my own money. And my own bank accounts because I realized he was exploiting me financially. 2. I have gone grey rock. I don't chat with him nor feed his emotions, because this is how they drain your energy. Limit the emotional effort you are putting into the relationship. 3. I don't tell him my plans. 4. I don't care what he does. Remember narcissism is a disorder. If you take everything personal, you are gonna break. 5. I do things that make me happy. I don't depend on him. 6. I don't answer him back when I sense anger and rage. 7. I pray to God that he may help me cope till it is time to leave. I can't leave now because covid 19 rendered me jobless. 8. I don't spend much time with him. If he is in the living room, I keep our conversations short, then go to the bedroom. It is a lonely relationship but boundaries will help you keep your energy. Remember narcissists don't have empathy. If you allow them to access everything you have, they will exploit you. I have tolerated the lies, the silent treatment, the manipulation and cheating. Now, after keeping these boundaries, it no longer hurts. I know he won't change but he can't destroy me. I have protected my energy and soul. I hope this helps. Good luck.
Ross, your explanation makes total sense, the hoovers, the notes on my truck, the drive by she did yesterday 9 months later(brash), after me being away for a week on vacation, like it was no big deal. Yes it is totally explained craziness, in this video. So my life is in full bloom mode, I gather my recovery in the rooms/family/god have protected me from the loneliness, as The Journey Continues.. 75-80% dead on with regards to the family and zero contact. Thanks
Perfectly explains myself as the CoDependent, Ex Covert Narc, whom I divorced....and he uses our children, ages 36 and 39 to continue to try to gaslight and manipulate my life. Whatever I do that is good normal, healthy in my own life....rather than getting out of the sick relationship.....now 3 of them are involved in destroying me for good I do for my own life. Adult daughter is very very Covert like her Dad. Son is more so Overtly abusive to me....yet the Covert Dad/Covert Daughter....look down on him, and all problems in all their lives....they use me as the Scapegoat. Now, I see 42 years of a pattern of their abuse to my life. Now...I cut them all off, and gave up on trying to Show and teach them Love. That only sets myself up to continue in their games and be abused again and again. I remarried, and we have a great relationship together....he is like me. We both have Empathy. The Narc Family is furious over this. We bought a house on a mountain, 800 miles away....it was almost a Divine Inspiration that made me find this mountain house, and it's wonderful....now they no longer have access to my home. They were egging my house, cutting Xmas lights, keying my vehicle...destroying my property. They are horrifying. They want me punished for divorcing their lying/cheating Narc Dad. They have an attitude of "how dare someone like her, that's not good enough for us....divorce wonderful Dad"....They know he lies and they lie for him and they lie to him to get his attention. Whew....they are Draining to be around them. And on top of this abuse for 42 years.....We are Senior Citizens.....they don't care. I may have to file charges for Senior Citizen Abuse if they refuse to leave us alone. They also make decisions for me and for my husband....they decide how we feel about each other, and then become so hateful over it. They refuse to look within and say "I don't own rights to how other people feel".....it's like dealing with 4th grade bullies in adult situations.....it's hopeless.
Wow this spells out everything. I understand this clearly. I just didn’t have proper terminology for it. My mother was a very harsh narcissist. Snd I just told a friend I became a co dependent bc of her narcissism and abuse towards me. This was awesome and so enlightening to hear.
My goodness! You've described so much of what I've experienced as an adult, beginning in young adulthood. I was an only child, born to I believe two narcissists. This is crazy.
For the first time someone explain to me my problem, SLDD. Now I know why I have been suffering like this for so long. Thank you so much. This helped me so much understand my self.
Everytime I caught him in a lie or some other mischievous endeavor, he would tell me if I didn't like it here, I could leave. Either he was bluffing or he was serious. One day when he said that again, and told me I could leave, I told him, "its already been arranged" and I left within the week. He wasn't expecting that I would actually do it! The look on his face alone was well worth it! Been narc free going on 6 years now. Never been more at peace and happy!
Yup
I did a similar thing! In truth I’m sure they never actually saw it coming as I’d gone back five times, every time I went back it gave them free license to up the mistreatment! One Christmas Day I decided I’d had enough and just played the waiting game while I sorted out organisations to help me. Within six months I’d left! I’m now living a fulfilling life with genuine purpose and friends. 🙏🙏🙏
I agree. When I started my healing, all of my friends broke my new boundaries and I ended almost all of my friendships.
Right?
Had to die to it all. Oddly enough. Lol
YOU DESERVE BETTER FRIENDS
@@mamabear3887 EXACTLY RIGHT MOMMA BEAR...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY🔥💫💗💛🔥💗💘💛💫💎💛💫💎💛💫❤💚💙🙏😎🙏😎😇😇😇😇😇🎼🎵🎧🎤🎧🎶🎼🎤🎧🎵🎼FROM YOUR FAVORITE SEXY ASS DJ'S🎤🎧🎶🎼🎶🎤🐯🐾🐯🐾🐯🐾🎤🎧🎵🎼🎵🎼😇😇😇😇😇😇ALWAYS BELIEVE IN :(** ANGELS😇😇😇😇😇😇 ,& DJ'S,🎼🎶🎧🎤🎤🎶🎵🎼🎶🎼🎶🎧🎵🎥🎥😎😎😎😎💎🙏& UNICORNS💎💍💎💘💛💛💎💍💘🔥💫💗💚💜💗🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥THANKS ROSS ROSENBERG
I lost a lot of people but kept some excellent souls.
Same for me. I had no one. A good thing about having no one was that I could see through all the disfunction in the world and I reached out to God and I really worked at knowing God and knowing God makes it all worth it.
This explains why SLDD and narcissists feel so connected to one another. My former narcissist used to say that we were just alike. I disagree, but in some ways we struggle with the same emotions and trauma. And come to think of it, he was more needy than I was. I used to think he had everything together, but at the end I realized how deeply disturbed he was.
Thanks for sharing Kellie.
They protect each other Devil always takes care of the people representing them 🙏🏽🙌💯✊🏽
@@tammyfitzgerald5336 The devil actually doesn't take care of his representatives. He uses them and offers them superficial things for their cooperation, but he destroys their soul just like everyone else.
Yes, mine did the same with me, we both went thru alot of trauma with our Xs, he convinced me of so many things that didn't sit right with me, the red flags, but as we all no these types of ppl are good at making you feel sorry for them, they come across as if they No what their doing, they make you trust them, but once they conquer you they change, now everything they said they loved about you they now hate you for it, and then instead of any kind of love they look for anything to hate u for, I never knew about these types of toxic people as when I married 20 yrs ago and before I phones I was in deep and didn't no what the heck was going on, cuz again we all no how up and down they are, I minute they love you, then the next minute they hate you, ghost you rage at you and all it takes is u not answering the phone on time!!!! But oh they such nice ppl to outsiders to anyone they don't have to answer too, and it's truly pathetic their Ego keeps them stunted they bring nothing into a relationship but hate anger and caous, they only marry so they can have someone to blame when you react to their crazy, which over time can really make you go crazy, very dangerous ppl
They are more co-dependent than we are. They can move from one victim to another but they need people... whoever. They have a hard time living alone since they need a trash 🗑️.
Besides, they are no one without an audience.
Narcissists MUST win, even if they have to destroy themselves in the process!
The more you learn about narcissism, the more you feel sorry for the people who suffer from it (as well as their victims of course). Having said that, people need to take responsibility for their healing, and seek therapy if needed. Thanks Ross!
Amen DITTO...XOXO💘💎💎🐾🐯🐾🐯😇😇😇😇😇📸🎥📸🎥🙏😎🙏😎🙏🎵🎶🎧🎧🎤🎧🎵🎼🎵🎶🎶🎧🎤🎤🎧🎶🎵🎼
Feeling sorry for him is what got me hooked.....then as soon as they see you're hooked....BAM!! Their hate and abuse begins.
@Sbeast you won't feel sorry if you every have to tangle with a malignant vicous one....the kind that try to unalienable you.
I don't feel sorry for them at all. 2 years out with total NO CONTACT. I constantly told my narc that I loved myself. He was pure evil and I wanted AWAY from him.
🎉🎉🎉🎉
YES! I am the scapegoat of my mother. My brother was the golden child. Everything you have said about dissociation is so true. My mother set me up for further abuse from a narcissist male. I am finally healing at the age of 30 and I have never been in a healthy relationship. I am finally getting to know myself, unapologetically.
Thanks for sharing.
Well done!
at least you're self aware
I escaped at 50, from Mother and EX.......Wishing YOU all the BEST..... STAY STRONG ❤️👍💪💪💪💪💪💪👍
@@tracyross5831 I figured out that my mom was my first abuser and everything else about toxic relationships and narcissists at 54! Still better than never!
Well this makes me feel better. I DID have loving people in my life, but over the years they all passed away leaving me with narc husband, narc mother and narc sister. Left the abusive husband and as soon as I did that, narc mom and sister turned on me and sided with HIM! Up until then they didn't like him. So I wrote them off too. Dumped all 3 narcs leaving me with absolutely no one. They did a good job of turning any casual friends against me. Been three years now and I'm just starting to feel stronger and getting my real personality back.
Linda R, am so happy for you! You are strong, valuable and worthy of a good life.
Linda R. Sounds like my life. Glad to hear you are getting better.
Thanks for sharing this and wishing you lovely people in your life.
Thanks for sharing Linda.
Good Lord🙏
Are you okay?
For years I was told that I was the source of the problem in the relationship. I was subjected to hours and hours of psychological “analysis” by my N wife, who told me I was selfish and arrogant and abusive; that when I said I love you, she’d say “but you don't know how”; that I was cold hearted; that I was controlling, (when in reality I couldn’t make myself a cup of tea without her permission!). And loads of other things. When my daughter put me on to this word narcissism, suddenly the lights came on. ALL the things I was being accused of were HER problems projected onto me! It was a great relief to discover the truth, for it is only the truth that sets you free. Good stuff here from Ross Rosenberg. Thank you for posting.
Thanks for sharing. So glad this was helpful.
Thank you for sharing. Much appreciated. ❤
Yes, this is very similar to my situation, and I also have been shocked to learn about this thing
It's not often that I like being called literally crazy via the term "PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS." Yet that's exactly what it is if I continue on with some folks. Thanks for the virtual wake-up cup of joe, Dr Ross!
In my family the trophy children grew up to be narcissistics and the scapegoats became codependents
Same here. Worse, I was schitzo in my childhood then at twenty I had a breakdown that which took many many many years to recover
True in my case
Sounds about right!
Same with mine
Same here...I grew up with two golden children...one from the marriage and one from outside. And I am oldest from marriage. A female...not the male heir...and a disappointment because of my empathy/sensitive nature and I was a sick child most of the time because stress affected me. Was expected to grow up quickly because all the other children came quickly and I needed to help mama and be the sitter, dish washer, bathroom cleaner, cook, and go to school. I am human NARC magnet. I'm in therapy for years and trying so hard to overcome... especially the last 4 years. I'm getting better educated to understand the Dynamics of this and not fall for it as much but I still do find myself struggling especially with the early stages of the BS. Once I'm already dealing with it I recognize it. But by then we are snagged aren't we? It just all then depends on how we react to it and how we handle it. I do my best to avoid the family troublemakers, but then it is hard there are always those family get togethers...yes, the golden children are NARCS...and I'm the black sheep. The scapegoat. And I've learned staying to myself is easiest way to deal with them...and this twisted world. It has only become worse.
They will do everything to keep you from leaving except stop abusing!
It’s like you are living your whole life in a dark room and then comes Dr. Rosenberg and puts on the light 💡💡💡💡💡💡💡💡. Thank you so much! You are a gift! God bless you 💝
Thank you! Glad this is helpful.
Ross Rosenberg it really is 💝!
Dr. R is a true gift, sent to us, from God. 🙏🙏🙏😇
Wow /what wisdom-!!!!!!’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree with this. Dr. R was the game changer. I had no idea about all this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You’re the only one I’ve found so far who talks about how painful the pathological loneliness can be. It feels like you’re drowning and you will do anything to get some air (the drug).
Thanks for sharing Valerie. Hopefully you can look into more of Ross's resources to help you heal and grow.
Blog: humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/
Website: www.selfloverecovery.com/
its a beautiful thing to be self aware
It’s good that you know this. That the problem has nothing to do with the narcissist magnetized to you (along with his fused family system cloud). Not being individuated from your family of origin means spontaneously seeking narcissists to medicate attachment trauma.
The loneliness makes us prone to enmeshment. Sometimes while I am waiting for a train, I feel that dull ache of loneliness, then I ring my mother...and then come away feeling worse than before. And on it goes. Its like a bird flying into a plate glass window over and over again.
At 21:01… so knowing that the narcissist will experience extremely more severe bone, aching loneliness than I will only makes it harder for me to leave because I feel bad. I know how much he will hurt.
When I was very young my grandmother taught me gratitude and to say thank you when people do something for you, I still do to this day.
I honestly wish I could find any therapist with a fraction of the understanding this man has of these dynamics, and how totally destructive they can be.
He is on another level.
I don't trust most therapists So many are there because of their own problems
I tried finding one. Waste of time.
This is such a good explanation of what the sld is up against. Although I have gone "no contact".. There is the possibility that the narc will still try discredit me, smear campaign me or destroy me. I am doing therapy (healing the lost inner child). I have to master not to react to my emotions when triggered and learn to have abuntant self love so as to NEVER be attracted to any Narcissist. Thank you Ross Rossenberg for ALL your valuable contributions to helping me and others.
Now I have a clearer understanding of my issue. I suffer from SLDD. My mother was a narcissist. I was her target and the black sheep. She programmed nearly everyone in our family to loathe me. Years later, I ended up in an extremely toxic relationship with a full-blown pathological narcissist. It was very clear that this man was trying to destroy my life but in spite of that, I stayed with him until I landed in prison on account of him. Because of this video, I can finally began to heal. Thank you for sharing this awesome knowledge. It's truly a blessing for me. I am going to order your book today.
Thanks for sharing Vanessa. Knowledge is power! You can find Ross's book in different formats here: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/human-magnet-syndrome-books
You may also benefit from this interesting video: ruclips.net/video/csk_Mv5DJFY/видео.html
@@RossRosenberg cool beans. Thank you.
Me too 🎯
The best thing you can do, if you can, is to walk away and never look back. It's easier said than done, I know, I know!
Run away and don’t look back like Lot’s wife did in Genesis 19.
I fell into the trap of trying to get equity in a dispute with a narcissist. That just gave the narcissist more time to plan revenge. For a narcissist, any dispute is a matter of life and death and every encounter is a likely dispute.
This is the first time I have EVER felt more powerful than a narcissist. The way you explain it!! I had no idea just how broken these people are until watching this. It now makes more sense why they’re unable to change their behavior
The stonewalling torture I was subject to for trying to leave, the coldness like a switch still haunts me
OMG- still in stage 5 almost 2 years! He destroyed all my friendships and even family he went to with lies and turnt them against me by “ throwing me under the bus”
I get you... Girl
Wow my ex did that to me
The narcissist only speaks to the 85% that Ross Rosenberg refers to in the Surgeon General’s Warning. You would have lost all those people anyway, just by healing. Healing (self love) means individuation from your family of origin (breaking the fantasy bond with your family system, and all the triangles that go with keeping that going).
Imagine, just “being” would chase away that 85%. The narcissist and their smear campaign is secondary. A distraction. Connecting the dots on this one is really, really important. Narcissists can only operate in a cloud. The “Karpman Cloud” (Karpman Drama Triangle). The handoffs from Persecutor to Victim to Victim round and round create “dopamine spurts” where they imagine they are in control.
Control is required so as not to decompensate. Even if they decompensated, restoring dopamine (such as you being enraged by smearing) takes that away sometimes in a couple of hours.
It’s a horrendous illness. The video shows us how we share in the process.
Same here.
I'm an SLD to the core. Thanks mom. You did a great job.
In my case, thanks dad.
Ross, alltogether it feels like a big healing process for the whole world.
Narcissism is the pandemic
Oh it is I make content on it too cause I had to deal with this my whole life with zero help until God came through
Wow!
@@RachelNicole and still it ain't easy. Keep on keeping on. Somehow it seems part of God's healing process . The truth shall set you free.
@@RachelNicole im struggling immensely and I've been praying and asking for guidance, truth and help for months...I'm terrified it isn't helping...
You have answered so many deep lessons I learned after a 30 year relationship. This is so incredibly important for me to move forward, I am in my 70, Thank you for helping me come to terms with some of my incredible pain. I returned to my partner who was terminally ill and has since passed away.....it’s so difficult especially with this virus that also isolates us. If I have any chance of understanding and finding happiness it’s because of the help and understanding from you
It's just so comforting to hear someone that understands. Everyone thinks that I'm crazy, but is known for a very long time that although I processed things differently than others in similar situations, there was nothing wrong with me other than adapting to dysfunction in childhood and repeating the pattern in adulthood. Also good to know that this one special guy isn't really who and what I'm searching for.
I was codependent but now I am proud “black sheep”. I don’t search my worth in people’s opinions anymore because no one is perfect. Only God can judge me. And I don’t feel alone, I love to be in peace and with true friends.
What a wonderful achievement! I too have decided to be the black sheep and live in peace with and around those who truely appreciate and care for me. It’s a whole different life and so grateful for the lesson because I know How to protect my life and live in peace
Greta Brown Big hug to you. I am glad you give your life meaning to be loved, appreciated and to have people around you who truly respect you and making your life beautiful.
How do you find true friends?
Harshawardhan A friend in need is a friend indeed. Animals are also true friends. I know it is hard to find true friend whom you can count on.
@New Beginnings sending lots and lots.. of love. Take care. ❤️
I respect Mr. Rossenberg because he speaks with authenticity & transparency. Great video.
Thank you.
Are you available for conaultations? Of course I expect to compensate you. @@RossRosenberg
I left and divorced my narcissistic husband of 20 years. Had to endure smear campaign, turned one of my sons against me and he sure tried to destroy me. I see things a lot clearer now, and I am trying to get my two sons to understand the situations that we went through (one of the the victim golden child). Thank you Ross for your thorough and much needed work on this complex subject!
Thanks for sharing Maria. Glad this is helpful.
Exactly I'm going thru this now, he turned my son against me just so he can look like the hero behind my back, everything this man and his family has done has been behind my back, I love my son but becuz he's caught in the middle of a toxic girlfriend and her family and his dad and his family I was gained up on and discarded as if I'm nothing to them just so they all can walk around like superficial big shots, relationships don't matter to these ppl unless the relationship gives them the materialistic needs they so desperately need,
Wow. Profound description of my parent and being the black sheep, gaslite, the disappointment child because I left home very very early. Still, at 55, I’m invisible despite being self made, not owned or controlled like the siblings, I work on healing SLD. The need to be in a relationship. I got over that one. Took 50 years. Now dealing with aging cruel mother who sulks because narc brother of mine is non existent now that she needs him. It’s SO SICK. But I observe, like I was taught, and not ABSORB. It saved me. Thanks for the talk
Thanks for sharing Becky. We are glad to know Ross's resources are of help. Please check out the complete ODA video seminar: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-observe-don-t-absorb-technique
I was very lucky to have a loving older sister and brother and supportive father to protect us. The golden child is a covert narc, her son is a narc and I pray for her daughter and grandchild. My dad sent us away to another state for college, sister was a famous model and lived in Japan, my brother went into the army and traveled the world. Golden child stay home. Thank God for my Daddy 💞
I concur. 🙌🏾
They will do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING to try to suck you back in. The ex-narc smeared, hoovered, stalked me, and destroyed my car 4 times to try to suck me back in. I had to change my number and move from the place I moved to when I left him. I kept working with the police/courts to file charges. He still kept coming after me with charges filed on him until he got an ankle monitor, which he has now had for 6 mos. He is still going through court hearings a year and a half since I've been complete no contact through all his punishment. It's pathetic and sad for someone to go to such lengths to try to destroy someone who loved them and was good to them, but left for their own sanity and peace. They don't mind destroying themselves in the process...
That must have been really scary for you to go through...
Ms Brown it was very scary...u love this person and then have to worry about them trying to destroy you and hurt you...just sad..
This is the best explanation for Narcissism that I have found. My daughter is married and in the process of leaving a malignant Narcissist after 8 years of marriage and one child. I wish there were more addressing the children of a Narcissist to prevent them from becoming one!!!
Thanks for sharing Linda!
I have BPD & NPD and for the longest time I told everyone how great my childhood was. I was a scapegoat child who was parentified. I wasnt emotionally mature enough to consciously see the truth. Once I started facing the truth, I felt almost su*cidal for the first time in my life. The illusion was falling apart. I finally admitted it wasnt "all perfect". The next part of healing, which took years to get to, was to realize my childhood attachment issues caused personality disorders in myself. I suddenly realized how I was manipulating ppl to get my needs met, because I didnt feel valuable enough to get them met in a healthy way. Im still working on that. Healing is such a roller coaster ride, but God, when you make progress, you finally feel true joy, love, and accpetance of life and yourself.
If all of this is true (it is!), then we know that we never need to take revenge! Their internal lives are worse and that is revenge enough for me!
That’s why revenge seekers are idiots cuz they haven’t fully grasp wat they’re dealing with, u can’t hurt a war machine that’s designed to destroy u and loves pain.
The external pain has to be worse than the internal. That's the only reason I can see they would be so mean is to release all their tension and anxiety.
Sometimes you need to apply pressure to some critical pain nerves to get the narcissist to lose his grip on you just enough to extricate yourself from his power. If you've gotten out, don't go back for revenge. It's as dumb as escaping a crocodile attack, and then going back to pet the crocodile.
This is what i teach. The pain we endure is monumental but it pales in comparison to the pain they are in and have endured. I hate it when people call them evil and speak of revenge. If we are as loving as we claim why, even in our pain, would we wish that on another? Especially on the one we claimed to love.
Actually! Living n Catching On And Leaving Same Is REVENGE! People Act Like They Scared Of Revenge 😂 It's Either U or Whoever It's Just That Simple... Anything Else Is Sugar Coated.
You sure nailed it in full detail, thank you for your in depth explanation of there disorder !! For an empath as I am, I’ve lost years from recovery but thank god I had enough of her bullshit lying, cheat and repeat circus act and found peace of mind being away from their mental abuse I never knew was right in front of me the whole 2 yr torture I endured and as you’ve said, she blamed me for her full circle mental mind fuk abuse !! It’s one hell of a black hole to be caught up in without knowing wtf was happening !! I do feel for her pain but because I went through the abuse it’s mind altering and took years to break free !! I wished she was the awesome person I am as she stole my traits and faked it all but now know she’s beyond help and why ? Because she will never change and doesn’t want to because blaming me for her illness is her game !! It’s sad and don’t wish this hell on anyone, don’t walk, run like you’ve got dbbl barrel carbarators fueled by airplane fuel, trust me if you think you can help them, your fooling yourself, get out and find someone else who cares about you and will stand by you not stab you in the back like a narcissist will do months, years later, thanks for this so important intel, it’s needed for the masses who never knew this mental illness existed !!
Right on right on!
When you just watch, you’re a BIG part of the problem.
From years ago your content saved my life in this part of the globe doc...where there is no rehab or proper understanding of SLDD... I thank you and I thank God for having found you. Please never stop spreading your knowledge. God bless you.
I find it all extremely sad. Such destruction for generations because of how people were treated. My ex husband's dad was a prisoner of war which must had been so destructive for him, he then treated my ex really harmfully when he was a child and now he treats my children in destructive ways. I have taken years to find healing for myself and therefore also hopefully for our children.
I left after14 years of marriage. What a long, challenging, painful road it has been. How sad for everyone. So grateful now for healing & hope for me & my children. So sad for that little boy trapped inside my ex who may never find healing & hope. This is where I pray that God can intervene & help at a level that people can't face going. I certainly won't ever think I can help someone who can't/won't face their pain. I would just fall back into the trap.
Totally agree with you, it is Soo SAD it ruins the family unit. I wish you the best for you and your children, it takes years to heal but has made me a much stronger woman, I actually at times feel sorry for ex husband he was abused and had an alcoholic father that never participated in any of their lives, my ex never spoke about it but tiny tiny words would slip every now and again, it is just SAD.
Amen!! Suzi...Thank you for sharing your story. We all have one and they all seem to sound so familiar.
@@susanmcmahon4733 Thanks so much Susan. I understand what you are saying about your ex husband. Really Sad. Somatic Experiencing & The Polyvagal Theory have been so helpful to me in dealing with all this. I'm currently reading The pocket guide to the Polyvagal Theory by Dr Porges, which is so fascinating to me.
@@jacquelineford5503 Sadly so true. Thank you Jacqueline.
I appreciate this video because it prepared me. I didn't believe that I'd lose 85%-90% of my relatives/friends after drawing my boundaries against my mother's financial abuse and emotional blackmail using my dying dad. But because of this video, I wasn't completely floored. Just slightly floored. :) It's true. You wind up losing a LOT of the people whom you THOUGHT had your back. But... it's actually no big loss, because they never had your back, right? It just hurts to know that they deceived you for so long.... :( But the good side is... I discovered who my real friends and "family" are.... it's a blessing and a curse. And although my circle is smaller... it is super strong now. No enemies in my circle, you know? Blessings to everyone going through this healing process. It's so hard. But.... once you cut these people out of your life, things slowly improve. Always learning. That's the key.
Thank you for this vey insightful video. Based on your video I believe I am an SLD. My biological primary parent I believe, is a malignant narc.I left home at 15 due to neglect/abuse (emotional/physical) and then some. I have always attracted narc male counterparts, namely, my last relationship. I am always the person that "rescues" people and it ends up hurting me and I feel more alone. It's a vicious cycle. This is the first time someone has described the gut wrenching pain I feel. My entire family of origin is a disaster and I am definitely "the black sheep," even though I am an accomplished lawyer. ty.
Thanks for sharing Victoria.
I wish I could find a lawyer who understands these dynamics. Some Narcs are truly dangerous and destructive and should be locked up. Imagine a narc who is a cop. That's a community you really don't want to come up against
Out of the hundreds of videos I’ve watched on this topic, this is one of the absolute best... it makes things click! Such a deep and confusing topic. 🙏🏼
So glad it was helpful. Thanks for the support. 🙏
Very Illuminating! Your explanation of a narcissists attachment addiction explains many many comments my exnarc has made over the years. For example, He even said he had planned to quit college until he met me, but our relationship helped him. Of course back then I thought he was trying to say he loved me, but now I can see it was exactly how he stated it. He was suffering profound loneliness and I took that away. In my SLDD I needed him to need me. But there was never any caring about me, not in 40 years Just the ‘Needing’. Excellent video.. Now I’m awaiting the wave of destruction that must be the next step. Cannot say I’m looking forward to it, but.... it’s part of the price I must pay for freedom. Right?
Yes, pay the price, its worth it!! No contact for 16 mo after a 16 yr marriage. I'm 65 and not too healthy, but I moved 500 miles away and started over. I received a fair settlement i can live on. Best of luck, many people helped me, and God had my back. You can do this.
I am terrified to take that step. I know I will be separate from my children and grandchildren. I know the shame he will put on me with all my good friends. I don’t know when I will be ready. Meanwhile I live with him in this hell. Everyday I dread when he comes home after work.
Insc : 😢 It’s a tough decision, and we always seem to make the wrong one. I found out about my spouses lying 35 years ago, but stayed for the children. Now that I’ve moved on, the children don’t speak to me. Staying for the children turns them into golden children or SLDD people. My therapist told me, “ You know your daughter is your (x) spouses Golden Child?” So my 35 years of gritting my teeth served no purpose. I’m saying this because it’s not my place to give advice but to support you in your angst. Ultimately it’s your life and your decision- I know it’s tough. My divorce is fresh, and it’s very quiet here, no spouse, no kids, no company because of this virus, but my gut doesn’t tighten every day when it’s time for him to come home. I have supportive friends and a few relatives who haven’t bailed. Life is good. God only gives us so many days, I’m taking what I have and treasuring it.
The price is high, but you must pay it!!!
@@insc8262 Leaving my ex husband was like a thriller, 25 years ago. Even though I have left homeland, friends and family I still have stalkers following me. He has done what ever he could to destroy me. Turned everybody against me : family, police, friends, employers, neighburs. All those people represent him, they seem happy to make me suffer. They came up to torture me, it seems never enough cruel, for example kill my cat. So many things who hurt to much to remember like collective rape with trespassing, employed dentist to pierce my theets so I would loose them to be less beautiful. This situation is still ruining my life, how come he got all this people to believe him ? He got a good chance to turn a pretentious cop against me and the avalance came rolling. With this, most part of my family, police and other disturbed personalitys which may have personal interest like proxenetes. I'm here now, at rock bottom. Still better than continue in this sick relationship which may have killed me anyway. I was sick of him, had irritable colon, it was nearby colon cancer. Since years those followers try to starve me now to death. I'm not far, no job, no help from society, unsufficient help from my son. Still searching and hoping for justice, truth help and peace. Of course, it was easy for him to turn my narcissic father against me, the bigger part of my siblings, a pretentious cop and my codepending bipolar mother. It is quite a lot, too much to be exact. I'm working on my healing everyday since years. Wish me luck. Thanks for the video dear, very instructive
I was the golden child, then the truth-teller, then the scapegoat! That order pretty much aligned with my awakening and healing! My siblings ended up being narcissists. I thought I was too, then I realized I have empathy, I acknowledge my trauma, & my need to grow and seek feedback from healthy people b/c I need a non-toxic frame of reference. I feel compassion for narcs, their world is dark but I go no contact b/c you can't help them and they try to ruin your life!!
This is about as clear as it gets. Experience is the best teacher.
Me too, in that order as well❤️
Ditto. After becoming the truth teller you become the enemy of the narcissist and of course the Black sheep and then you leave and they try to destroy you, lie about you and then before they die expect them to disinherit you .But you have saved yourself by becoming the truth teller and by refusing to play their game and partake of their lies
.You have set yourself free and broken the generational curse .
It stops with you !❤
There might be SLDDs but not everyone who is targeted by narcissistic people come under that blanket name, narcissists target open loving people and bombard then with love, or at least the outer expression of love, then when the target has opened their heart fully they are in love!!! This is a real state of being!!
I am of the belief that this isn’t possible. Narcissists vibe off of the attachment trauma of a person. The trauma of the person means that the reaction to trauma has been to cut that part off. To fit into their family system, they create a false, compartmentalized self.
The narcissist is like the SLD person, but with exponentially more attachment trauma. And they are “emotionally autistic” because of it.
The narcissist targeting “open, loving people” is surely a myth. They are going for holes in the identity (boundary). People who either say they had “loving parents” or that they have “forgiven” those that traumatized them. Not so, and the narcissists is attracted to the lie. That’s the re-formation of the unhealed trauma bond of the SLD.
Beyond all that, the narcissist isn’t even really “a person”. He/she is undifferentiated at the infant level, and is stuck collecting “objects” (object relations) in the “all good/all bad” world of a baby.
Your comment suggests that the narcissist’s view of the all good/all bad world is true. The narcissist is wrong, and the traumatized targets of this mentally ill person can correct the error they share with the narcissist. The narcissist remains fused and cannot. Not understanding this just keeps the flow of dopamine (narcissistic supply) to the narcissist going.
Ooh yes! I have finally got it. Now I have a healthy relationship with a person who is able to communicate at a deep and and empathic level. I had to go through loneliness and face my SLD. Now I am not ashamed of my shame. Thank you so much Ross! My mission is to break this cycle with regards to my adult son. I'm managing to be unconditionally loving while retaining my self-respect. 💚💙 I still struggle with fear of abandonment but I know that it has a cause which has nothing to do with who I am or with my worth. Now I can breathe, and stop before trying to get relief from the pain through being validated by anyone else. Much gratitude 💚
You are so welcome Pauline.
“Stop before trying to get relief from the pain through being validated by anyone else”. Wonderful. That’s breaking the “using” part of addiction, so that healing can happen. Thank you for this success story.
This makes me think of why the hoover attempts feel so negative -- because they make me feel guilty, which could actually be shame that's already there. Also, the narcissist acts clueless (cut off from bad feelings), so it makes you look like you're making it all up , as if you are crazy or vindictive -- hence, more shame.
It's necessary gives to oneself time to heal. The whole healing process is challenging. Channels like yours are saving lives. Narcisism is a serious mental illness. The next generations repeat the trauma. Your book is wonderfull! Highly recommended.
Thanks so much for the support! 🙏
I had a breakdown then i put the full puzzle together. It was very hard after i was brought up by parents who were Narcs and i married one. There was a lot of inner work to do but it was worth it, i like my own company now and solitude to make my own decisions and live out my life how i want and not how other people expect it should be. Looking at relatives and past friends, a lot are Narcs whom i got rid of. I hate being anywhere near toxic people. Thank you for you video.
Thanks for sharing. Glad this is helpful.
Ross, I am your number one fan. I tell everyone about the ‘Human Magnet Syndrome’ such as other RUclips sites and even work colleagues - I showed a few colleagues your book at lunch time the other day (which I’m reading for the second time). It’s changed my life. My favourite saying of yours is ‘of course’. I’ve learnt to take things less personally because of this. I’m forever grateful to you, more than you’ll ever know (and other RUclipsrs who are also empowering us on the topic of narcissism). Thank you🌻
Thank you for this clear explanation about the pathological narcissist, how much more intense their deep pain is, and why they seek with tremendous focus and determination to annihilate and destroy their supposed 'foes'. I now better understand why my father has done, and continues to do all in his immense power to annihilate me, why my mother worked with him to do so even after her death 2 years ago, and why my sister so masterfully manipulated them (and the situation) so "exquisitely" to gain all that she did and has from them, and to "finish me off" in the family; and why no matter how much love I express as a daughter (from a non verbal, non physical contact, only emails and notes), my love will never find a loving "soft spot" within my father. "Thank god for God" in my life, and thank you Ross, and other teachers who help us to understand that it's not us so-to-speak, and to know the what and the why so that we can keep working on healing with all that we've got, because we deserve wholeness, healing and freedom. Thank you for writing your book, and for your teachings, and this message.
You are very welcome Wendy. So glad this is helpful.
This was so extra good the second time around. It's also a little bit frightening. So far I have dumped 4 narcs. I had had moderate hovering, a bit of stalking. The 3rd narc decided to slink away but it remains to be seen how that 4th narc is going to react. Hopefully the others will not return. Thank you for this wonderful teaching Ross Rosenberg.
Best explanation ever on WHY narcissists can't accept responsibility or feel shame. I feel sad to a certain degree that this has happened to them, but at the same time I know that for the normal human being or even the SLDD's it's really hard to comprehend their complex personality disorders under the normal human eye level of comprehension. I just know that's they pass on or project everything they feel on you and it's extremely difficult to deal with.
Thanks for sharing Isabel.
Absolutely addiction. Still addicted. Currently in no contact. Not likely to resolve. … … SO MUCH PAIN. - but not going to bend the knee
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am the daughter of a narcisstic father and an SLDD mother. I had to break free from my father, and I have had so much confusion about it. This video helped me gain clarity.
You are so welcome Kathleen.
This was so helpful the way you talked about how the pyramid related both to the sldd and the narcissist...thank you Ross...regards from New Zealand
You are so welcome Rosalind.
Rosalind Millar I'm also a Kiwi and grew up in New Plymouth! I've been living in Aussie for many years though. 🙂
@@cyndigooch1162 hi! Great to connect
Sadly ... Even after all the pain & betrayal
A part or my Soul feels deep pain for them. Forgive but never forget 🧘🏽♀️✨🤍Love Live & Laugh ✨🙏🏽
You are amazing! Thank you for providing valuable information. I’m an SLD, trying desperately to recover from a 2 year on & off relationship with a narcissist that is addicted to BDSM, has no desire to reciprocate emotional / physical attention & gets off on inflicting pain, deprived me of emotional & sexual happiness! I was just a source 🥺😢
I know this pathological lonliness. I'm on the other side of it now. But I know it and it's the worst. Words can't describe it.
Thanks for sharing Jane.
Ross thank you for all you've shared to help people.
What treatment did help you?
I've been following your work for a long time and it has helped me through a lot of my recovery work. Thank you❤️
Thank you so much for sharing. For more information on Ross's resources, please visit: www.selfloverecovery.com/ and humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/
When are your brethren gonna get together again to update the DSM? Dang is that thing behind the times. Your pyramid is BRILLIANT, and SLDD oughta be included as a legitimate diagnosis for people like me who grew up as you described. Seems the perpetrators who cause the trauma get all of the attention in the DSM, while those of us who suffer the trauma they cause can't even get C-PTSD listed in there. Time for a revolution in the field of psychology, eh? Oh, and this is the second video of yours that I watched and now I'm a new subscriber. Looking forward to your future vids, and will take the time to watch your previous ones. Thank you for breaking everything down in a scientific way, and for knowing that your audience is intelligent enough to hear this information as if we are your colleagues. Much respect for that.
Thank you so much for your comment. You can find Ross's work on this subject in this seminar: www.selfloverecovery.com/collections/video-seminars-downloads/products/the-codependency-cure
Please heed "Surgeon General's Warning" at 12:07 or so. Its nearly unbelievable. It happenned to me. I got through it. Tonight finds me pretty happy.
I'm so thankful for this video. The loss of 75 to 80 percent of people has been in my experience. This information and framework has been the missing link to my recovery. Seriously, thank you for your work.
You are very welcome Annanda.
Ross that was the best presentation and explanation of cause of self love deficit dynamic vs narcissistic behavior dynamic disorders of the pyramid scope of pain, brokenness & loneliness of codependents & narcopaths traumabond child/adult dysfunction. It is beyond the understanding of why the narcissist behaves in such destructive patterns & is incapable to love the codependent/ healthy people. This repression of the narcissist child is absolutely so fragile to what the narc parent created in the child it more deplorable than the narcissist itself. Such sadness and the cycle continues.
that surgeon general warning is SO accurate. i escaped and lost a huge chunk of my friendships + more after i started setting boundaries. yikes. i feel a lot less shame now. Thank you.
This video should be mandatory for judges to view before taking the bench daily. Great video.
I am so grateful to you that you placed the proper name to codependency. This “light” helped so much in my healing journey. It makes so much sense now!
Soooooo very helpful as I'm pulling away from my 28 year narcissistic husband! God bless you for trying to help! #strugglinginoklahoma #runningtowardsfreedom
As I’m watching your video... my jaw is literally on the floor. I just wish I had seen some of your videos before I called him out. I now realize the losing battle and then making my plan. You are absolutely AMAZING!!
Glad this is helpful. Thanks for watching.
Thank you Ross. It’s so interesting. I’ve read your book and have it on audible. I’ve been working on detachment for nearly 2 years. I started a full time job and am now keeping my salary for the first time in 30 years. My husband who I believe is a narcissist says he wants to be a better person and is sickly nice to me. Thanks to your work and others I recognise the manipulation.
I thought your book was spot on. It made me feel sad because I knew it was true of my childhood.
Did your husband start being sickly nice to you, when you started to detach? Because as soon as i started to detach and have made a determined decision...it is time to leave for real....he has been being sickly nice to me. Its like...insanity. but it's all just a manipulation right? Because he senses the detachment...and is working on his manipulations to reel me back in.....???
Thanks for sharing Joanie!
@@pegasusgenesis360 It’s desperation. It has nothing to do with you at all. There is no “you”. Only the safety of your family system. Narcissists attach to clouds, not people. He feels your attachment trauma like a Wifi. Just as you feel his complete and utter emotional unavailability. It’s a transaction. Fusional family system cloud to fusional family system cloud. By detaching from the family system repetition (him), he feels his own abandonment trauma.
@@WDBDWK wow. That's an amazing analogy. What you said is completely true...and well said. Thank you. I will use this in my thoughts. Clouds/wifi.....I mean....that is spot on.
27:14 with my parents the scapegoat held the parents accountable from age twenty one and on, because the scapegoat was made aware at that time by another person that the upbringing was extraordinarily severe. The rest of the siblings then turned on the scapegoat once again. From age seventeen to twenty one the scapegoat nearly reached the level of the poster boy. That explains the word "again" in the previous sentence. From age seventeen to twenty one the scapegoat was the oldest child at home and the rest of the older siblings were in a different continent. The scapegoat was also a very capable worker at home. Now, thirty some years on, the scapegoat is once more the sought after child by the surviving parent. Holding on to the same childhood religious values plays a very big role in the scapegoat becoming accepted again. The parent also most likely seeks validation from the scapegoat who rendered accountability at age twenty one.
One of the best explanations I’ve heard.... thank you.
You're very welcome Laura!
WOW this video explained in HD details my previous relationship with a narcissist (abuser partner) and how he somehow managed to make me feel guilty about everything that went wrong in the world. Even the physical abuse somehow became my fault, and I for some time believed it. I was scared to death to leave him, inside of me I knew there would be consequences... and there were. I had to leave my house, I traveled from country to country for almost a year running from him... from me... from everything. But watching this video made me realized how much I needed to break free from the loneliness syndrome... and forcing myself to be alone gave me clarity about who I was/am. I had an instinct to film all this journey of running away, and turned it into a film. Every time I watch it, it's like watching someone else going through all that... crazy! Also had flashes about my childhood. Very interesting.
Where can I watch the film? What is it called?
running away sounds familiar :(
It's really crazy that we can always track it back to childhood.
@@allykjoy8030 It's called Quest for Beauty. We are doing online screenings ;) There are more info on my channel if you like. Thank you for asking 🙏🏻
Thanks for sharing.
Just found your channel and fasinated by your explaination of the dynamic between the narc and sld, which is excellent. Have never heard the term sld before - its a perfect description of the condition. The calm way you talk and the feeling of having time (not rushed when speaking) is amazing! You have a demeanor that nothing would shock or surprise you, as you've heard and seen it all. Have thought about going on a program and will look into yours.
This is my first time on channel - lookin forward to watching more:) Thank You,
Denel Barak
At one point for SLDD it becomes a habit to automatically divert attention from his/her own needs to the people (even animals) around them. Taking care of others, having pets and plants, following celebrities etc.
This all happened to me, co-dependency with narcissist. It all makes sense. Thank you. It was a prison sentence ending the relationship and traum. 17 years and still emotionally healing. To say what a journey, is understatement.
Very sobering video. A frightening but extremely clear exposé of the dangerous storm that is behind a narcissist's "I miss you" . It shows the reality of the terrible vista continually faced by SLDs, especially a parent, who must retain some contact. This raging storm of destruction, because it is so controlled, so expertly manipulated, so "impression managed" is not picked up on by onlookers , leaving the SLD exposed , alone and in harm's way. The SLD suffers the terror of this storm at every contact. The narcissist is deliberate and unrelenting and made powerful through this ability to destroy undercover. Society should do more to protect SLDs. The rules of society force many SLDs to remain in some contact. Legislators, lawyers, social workers, general educators need to learn the lesson of this video and play their part. Narcissists get away with too much. They are sneaky because they know what they do is wrong and to avoid accountability. Society as it stands gives narcissists who ruin peoples lives permission to hide, to remain unaccountable and to cause destruction. No wonder they feel so owerdul, no wonder they are so unrelenting. Something needs to be done about that. "Relationship" should be irrelevant - society should hold a person whose actions destroy others accountable, no matter who they are. Thank you for highlighting the force which is behind the narcissists interactions with an SLD who wants to go. You really get the reality across very well, I wish this was more widely understood.
I had only heard recently of the term 'gas lighting' I am understand more now what drives others to behave the way they do and my part in the attraction to like wise. Thank you Ross I enjoy watching your videos, learning and hopefully healing.
Glad this is helping Jane.
Finally makes sense, Dr.Ross. Now, I know the road I must take...the answers and healing is here. When I can afford it...hopefully soon...I am walking this path. Recovery is possible, after all I now see. TYSM for everything. You are saving lives.
So glad this is helpful Angela. For more of Ross's resources, please consider visiting his blog humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/ and website www.selfloverecovery.com/
The study of narcissism/narcissists..who they are..how they process things mentally
( or the lack thereof )..why they do things the way they do..their logic..is totally maddening. Might sound a little insensitive, but having dealt with them both the grandiose and covert narcissists I personally think the "chip" that makes them normal rational thinking beings has been lost/removed or was never inputted at childhood.
One year ago the ex narcissist asked me to move out, complete shock. He gave me 90 days to move but then became paranoid and delusional and then wanted me out ASAP saying I was his renter & he my landlord. This after living together for 4 yrs. No lease, just what I thought was a romantic relationship. . He behaved as if I was the one who wanted to move out. He hid his toothbrush, laptop, towels, toothpaste, medications & more in his locked bedroom. I slept in the basement. He would get up at night to use the bathroom & lock the door behind him. ???? He hid our rescue dog at his moms until I moved out, saying I made the dog nervous by crying. He packed up my personal items saying he had a right to touch my stuff. He followed me around the house filming me crying and yelling at him threatening to send it to my children and put on FB. He forbid me to go into parts of his house & garage. But he had moments where he would hold me and cry, saying it was all for the best. Crazy behavior. Last moving day found me going into the forbidden garage to retrieve my items. He went into a rage like I never saw before. I ran as I thought I was going to be killed. Later that day as the movers were there, the constable served me. The ex tried to sue me for back rent. Of course he didn’t win. There was no lease and the judge told him to grow up. Also, he said he didn’t know what to file against me that day. He also upgraded his security cameras exterior of the house a few months prior. Wonder if he knew this discard was coming. Think the cameras he always had were his way of protecting himself from being exposed. I do not understand how he could be so upset and angry during all this. Why did his adult daughter and ex wife show up in the last day I moved? Ex wife actually helped load stuff!!! ???? They always got along well but divorced over 25 yrs ago. Neither ever remarried. I don’t contact him at all. He started contacting me during Covid texting me stay safe, stay well. Never responded. Just last month he text he would not be texting me anymore. What is that all about? I have healed via ptsd therapy & happy and content being alone. Gone are my abandonment issues. But, I don’t dwell on these questions I have but as a RN, I just wonder why narcissists behave in this abusive, crazy way.
It makes sense to me now as a recovering SLD why I have had to cut many off and out of my life.
This video has been thorough in helping me understand pathological narcissism and SLDD. The narcissist I have been with for about 4 months over the Internet is a celebrity and has shared so much with me. I know I am giving far more than he, but he cannot change who he is. My heart breaks for what he and my brothers went through compared to me and my sisters. All I can do is pray for them. Thank you so much for your programs and videos. This person goes just so far in a program to help him reflect on his abuse, shame and how he has treated others, but then cannot take anymore. I want so much to help him understand that the pain will eventually end if he can complete the program, but I cannot make any promises. I am now calling my sister to have her watch this and your other videos. Thank you so much.
It has been difficult for me to understand the lack of insight by the narcissist. And why they must always be right as their position. I will listen again because I believe you said they can't work in therapy because of disassociation of the painful event they experienced. which is now in their subconscious.
Thank you Dr. Ross for your expert knowledge of this disorder.
I knew something has happened to my narc in his childhood. I used to think it is strange there are quite a few parts of his childhood he doesn’t have memories of.
You are welcome Trish. Thanks for sharing.
@@RossRosenberg you're most welcome! I hear others on social media say all the time, ..and I agree, it's challenging to find an in-person counselor who understands this disorder However, social media with videos such as this, is so very helpful.Much appreciated Dr. Ross! Have a great weekend! fondly, Trish
It’s almost always years of sexual abuse. That shit warps a males mind cuz they often nevr speak about it or do and use it as manipulation. But to be wrong means they could be wrong about everything. It’s like a fat cartoon character that is always saying she’s skinny, but will lash out at the slightest hint that she’s fat.
Its because they can't be "right" unless someone else is "wrong." The idea of being wrong means they are worthless in their mind.
one of the most illuminating videos I have seen on this subject , thankyou so much Dr Rossenberg, you are the best
You are very welcome.
Brilliant insight. Thank you for sharing. I’m on the self-love pyramid now. This will help me stay there.
Glad it was helpful Kimberley!
😁😁😁😁💞💞💞 Same here, Peace, love, joy and happiness to you both. Thank you universe 👽🌌🛸🧿🦄👁🌈😃🐉✨️♾️🧝♀️🧿😁💞
Great video Ross. Your videos have been a tremendous support for me over the last two years. During this time I have weathered ridicule, rejection, criticism and abandonment due to breaking free of my SLDD role in my family of origin unit. The personal power breaking free has given me has been worth every second of pain. 💪💪💪 Thank you! 😊🎉
Great to hear!
Proud of you Ross for choosing YOU and leading the way. Baby-stepping right behind you!! 💗🤗💗🤗💗
Thank you Kimberly. Keep up the good work!
Dr. Rosenberg, I have followed your channel for years. Your teaching has been helping me to survive and endure this life with the narc. I still don’t have the courage to get out of it. One day your teaching and encouragement will help me walk out of it. Thank you.
You are very welcome. Keep up the good work.
Time will come. Am also in the same situation but I have set healthy boundaries.
Immaculate Doc
Nato how do you set firm boundary? I have tried for couple of years now. He still do that same things. I know better to not feel hurt. How do protect my rights?
@@insc8262 do you share a bank account? Do you have mutual friends? Projects? Etc?
This is what has helped me in the 18 years I have been with a narcissist.
1. I have my own money. And my own bank accounts because I realized he was exploiting me financially.
2. I have gone grey rock. I don't chat with him nor feed his emotions, because this is how they drain your energy. Limit the emotional effort you are putting into the relationship.
3. I don't tell him my plans.
4. I don't care what he does. Remember narcissism is a disorder. If you take everything personal, you are gonna break.
5. I do things that make me happy. I don't depend on him.
6. I don't answer him back when I sense anger and rage.
7. I pray to God that he may help me cope till it is time to leave. I can't leave now because covid 19 rendered me jobless.
8. I don't spend much time with him. If he is in the living room, I keep our conversations short, then go to the bedroom. It is a lonely relationship but boundaries will help you keep your energy. Remember narcissists don't have empathy. If you allow them to access everything you have, they will exploit you.
I have tolerated the lies, the silent treatment, the manipulation and cheating. Now, after keeping these boundaries, it no longer hurts. I know he won't change but he can't destroy me. I have protected my energy and soul.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Ross, your explanation makes total sense, the hoovers, the notes on my truck, the drive by she did yesterday 9 months later(brash), after me being away for a week on vacation, like it was no big deal. Yes it is totally explained craziness, in this video. So my life is in full bloom mode, I gather my recovery in the rooms/family/god have protected me from the loneliness, as The Journey Continues.. 75-80% dead on with regards to the family and zero contact. Thanks
You are so welcome. Glad this is helpful.
Perfectly explains myself as the CoDependent, Ex Covert Narc, whom I divorced....and he uses our children, ages 36 and 39 to continue to try to gaslight and manipulate my life. Whatever I do that is good normal, healthy in my own life....rather than getting out of the sick relationship.....now 3 of them are involved in destroying me for good I do for my own life. Adult daughter is very very Covert like her Dad. Son is more so Overtly abusive to me....yet the Covert Dad/Covert Daughter....look down on him, and all problems in all their lives....they use me as the Scapegoat. Now, I see 42 years of a pattern of their abuse to my life. Now...I cut them all off, and gave up on trying to Show and teach them Love. That only sets myself up to continue in their games and be abused again and again. I remarried, and we have a great relationship together....he is like me. We both have Empathy. The Narc Family is furious over this. We bought a house on a mountain, 800 miles away....it was almost a Divine Inspiration that made me find this mountain house, and it's wonderful....now they no longer have access to my home. They were egging my house, cutting Xmas lights, keying my vehicle...destroying my property. They are horrifying. They want me punished for divorcing their lying/cheating Narc Dad. They have an attitude of "how dare someone like her, that's not good enough for us....divorce wonderful Dad"....They know he lies and they lie for him and they lie to him to get his attention. Whew....they are Draining to be around them. And on top of this abuse for 42 years.....We are Senior Citizens.....they don't care. I may have to file charges for Senior Citizen Abuse if they refuse to leave us alone. They also make decisions for me and for my husband....they decide how we feel about each other, and then become so hateful over it. They refuse to look within and say "I don't own rights to how other people feel".....it's like dealing with 4th grade bullies in adult situations.....it's hopeless.
I feel much better after seeing this. Everything makes more sense.
Big thanks for the video.
You're very welcome Naz!
This is the best video I've ever watched on NPD, SLDD. THANK YOU, Ross.
You are welcome Jessica. Thanks for your support.
Wow this spells out everything. I understand this clearly. I just didn’t have proper terminology for it. My mother was a very harsh narcissist. Snd I just told a friend I became a co dependent bc of her narcissism and abuse towards me. This was awesome and so enlightening to hear.
Thanks so much for sharing Tomeka.
I would love to see Ross to get my attachment trauma healed. I deserve to heal my hurt.
Realize ya made a mistake w judging the devil and move on 🙏🏽🙌💯✊🏽grab ur Bible
My goodness! You've described so much of what I've experienced as an adult, beginning in young adulthood. I was an only child, born to I believe two narcissists. This is crazy.
As I got older you will get stronger! Maturity we came in this world alone we will leave alone!
Awesome explanation video of why we love those that hurt us.
Thank you Tiffany.
Thank you Dr. Ross.
Excellent summation of the psychosis behind both the Narcissist, and the Co-Dependant/SLD.
Thank you.
I just started reading your book..
Thank you!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS VIDEO. I THINK I UNDERSTAND WHY MY FATHER DID WHAT HE DID NOW.
So glad this was helpful April.
For the first time someone explain to me my problem, SLDD. Now I know why I have been suffering like this for so long. Thank you so much. This helped me so much understand my self.
Glad this was helpful. Please consider checking out Ross's website www.selfloverecovery.com/ and blog humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog.
Ross Rosenberg thank you
This has really helped. Thank you - I definitely have an SLD issue - but making some progress now.