Stop Making This Mistake (If you want to feel close)
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- Опубликовано: 18 июн 2023
- Do you want to feel close to your partner? Stop making this mistake!
Learn more with this free relationship toolkit: laurasilverstein.co/free-prin...
Intimacy grows from emotional vulnerability. Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, Laura Silverstein, explains how to build a healthy relationship by following simple guidelines and ground rules. Her number one communication ground rule (based on attachment research by Sue Johnson and relationship psychology research by John Gottman) is to avoid saying "like" or "that" after the words "I feel."
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You can learn more from her workbook Love Is an Action Verb: www.amazon.com/dp/B0C2RYF9XV
Enroll in her free relationship course: Empathy Made Easy: laura-s-school-082b.thinkific... 
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Just like a great sports athlete. Practice good techniques 😢makes good habits. Many of us need to relearn or learn these skills if we desire to create a better environment for our partners and ourselves. Like the scriptures says a soft answer turns away wrath. It’s how you word it and tone it.
Yes, yes and yes! I love your sports metaphor because it really is true the more we do something the more natural and easy it feels. Thanks for your contribution :)
My understanding is that women feel close when they experience shared emotions. Men feel close when they engage in shared problem solving. Certainly the advice to not place "that" or "like" after "I feel" is valid because even in problem solving it's important not to accuse the other person. I'm just saying that for many men the closeness payoff might not work out unless a problem has been solved.
Personally I think this might be a blind spot in the counseling space. In most cases couples counseling starts at the will of the woman and ends when the woman is satisfied. The man is conscious of being happy when the woman is happy. But lurking below awareness is men's emotional needs not being met. A man might never have had his emotional needs met in his entire life and doesn't even know that is a possibility. It is entirely possible that counseling could end without ever actually addressing or even identifying the man's true emotions.
I’m having this problem now , my man doesn’t feel like I’m there for him emotionally and I’m at a loss. Idk what to do. But I’m going to try any and everything to do better, I love him so much. He says he’s done coming to him with his problems because I don’t “not escalate them” I’m so lost. I feel like such a bad gf and feel awful about not being there for him
Any advice?
@@13unnyjpg - I don't feel comfortable calling what I would say advice. Let's call them suggestions. I am going to suggest some things to try and some ideas to consider. Before I go into it I will say that I am going to say things regarding men and women where I'm putting them into typical gender roles. It is entirely possible for men and women to reverse these roles or to behave in different roles entirely but the majority of men and women will reflect these roles.
Several years ago I had a female co-worker who would engage me in conversations and the spirit of the conversation as I saw it was that she would prod me for an emotional reaction. I would try to push these efforts away and remain low emotion but she just wouldn't let up until I gave her a big emotional reaction. You might want to examine within yourself if you are seeking this kind of emotional payoff. This might be what your man means about escalating. You might be trying to prompt big emotions from him to share because it helps you feel connected to him. It's understandable that you might do this but most men don't want to experience big emotions. They prefer to remain in control and they want a calm person that they can discuss a problem with. For most women they see the emotion as the problem but men see the emotion as a consequence of the problem. This video from a channel called Psych Hacks talks about this gender difference.
ruclips.net/video/QnMvAZJr2NU/видео.html
Yes, I completely understand what you're saying! Problem-solving and advice giving are how we make decisions, solve problems, grow, and feel close by coming together as a team! My thought is that we just clarify if we're talking about feelings, talk about feelings, and, likewise, if we're giving advice, we are clear that's what the other person wants. This way we avoid unsolicited advice. Hope this makes sense!?!
So sorry this is playing out this way. It sounds like your partner is asking for empathy. Here is a free course that might help: laura-s-school-082b.thinkific.com/courses/empathy-training
I've compiled a list of 5 communication ground rules based on my 30 years of experience as a couples therapist and everything I've learned from the brilliant mentors I've had the privilege to work with. They are:
1. Never place the word "that" or "like" after the words "I feel"
2. Never follow words of appreciation or apology with a conjunction
3. Use "I" not "you" except before a compliment
4. Avoid run-on sentences
5. Never say "never" "always" or "finally"
You can find more examples and communication couples worksheets in my workbook here: www.amazon.com/Love-Action-Verb-Relationship-Self-Help/dp/B0C2RYF9XV
Let me know your thought :)