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@Felipe Anderson Felipe your a first class asshole. And now everyone knows. Your obviously a very insecure person. And not that great a boyfriend either if you have to hack your girlfriends Instagram to see what's going on with her. How about trying to actually speak to her & find out what's going on in her life. Coz what your doin is pretty creepy. You dont want to be a creep now do you?
@@jennzenn971 it's a bot or something I've seen the same comment before just report it 🙂 PS care for Canada I love that you give free content and Went to donate $2 but the minimum amount is $3 dollars and not $2 and the exchange rate is not so good right now but if I end up with a bigger bank account and end up here again I will donate it 🙂☺️
That's exactly what I have been saying to my relatives and friends soon to be parents. They have to sort themselves out first, because unwillingly they are going to pass their neurosities or psychological burdens on their children. That's what happened with my parents and me, and the only reason I managed to see that is due to all of the reading I do. Now my young cousin goes slowly into puberty and her bad behavior magnifies. Her mother wanted to send her to a psychologist. I told that she is the one that needs to see a psychologist first, because it wouldn't do any good to my cousin to have therapy, but the people around her that affect her don't get aware of themselves and better. When a flower doesn't bloom, you water the soil and add nutrients. You don't blame the flower.
Very well articulated. Excellent. I wish there were more just like you. Accept what's happened in life and try your best to progress. Don't stay in the negative, it will bring you farther down.
Same here. I read a ton and it's hard to finally see that I am growing spiritually / mentally and the people around me aren't. It's even harder when the "successful" ones around me are the most screwed up people and the ones that don't take any advice or listen to people like Dr. Mate. It's sad
So essentially if you're a loser parent you're damning your child to a lifetime of hardwired garbage. Take on some responsibility folks and become better.
I'd be interested in what you consider as a 'loser parent', as most parents are very well-intentioned and not losers, as Dr Mate has suggested countless times. We always have the capacity to change and increase self awareness and reflective function, our role as an adult is to do exactly what you've suggested and take responsibility for our life and work through and process our issues that most, if not all, come from our own childhood. In this way we can create a safe, loving, and attached environment with our children, and have the space to understand our children and hold their pain or distress without needing to necessarily 'fix' anything or be authoritarian. That's all that is really needed to be a great parent. It's actually not that complicated. Children don't need things, they need nurturance from an understanding caregiver that has time for them and a healthy environment. What makes it complicated is the societal context that we are living in. Additionally, it really is never too late for parents to begin taking that responsibility for themselves. Yes, you may have missed the opportunity during the first 1000 days of your child's life, of which is vitally important for healthy biological development and the period known as the 'synaptic explosion' that continues to occur through adolescence but slows into adulthood. But doing this work of self realisation and processing dramatically shifts an individuals personality at any age; you become calmer, more centred, more nurturing, less anxious, less depressed etc. and that is an excellent change for any relationship at any time in the life, particularly the parent-child relationship. Lastly, Dr Mate doesn't suggest that children are subject to a lifetime of 'hardwired garbage'. You should look into neuroplasticity, and that we always have the capacity to change at any age. It simply gets more difficult and takes a more concerted, consistent effort as we get older to do so on a biological level.
Yup. Most people don’t investigate themselves except in times of great crisis. And as we can see today with all the pandemic protesters and denials, some don’t even then. Unwillingness to face trauma and negativity will procreate misery until someone breaks the chain.
Greatest need for any living being is to be welcomed with safety, love and tender acceptance. This should be the priority and foundation for better world
Instead, let's just send parents back to work 4 weeks after they're born, and make them each work 40+ hours per week so they can keep a roof over their heads but never see their kids. USA! USA! NUMBER ONE! USA!
@@ptanyuh honestly that's inhuman and I don't know how women in USA do it. Most of Europe has 1 year paid maternity leave for the first child, second year and a half, third and every child after that two years. Plus you get a bonus when you have a baby, amount is average salary, it's a viewed as help for buying baby stuff.
@@ptanyuh yes we are a greedy people. It used to be work work work to have more more more. Sadly now it is more like-work work work and pray you survive. BUT yet there are still the greedy that believe there is never enough, and as along as I don’t have to ‘see’ others plight I will keep on keeping my own. God help us all!
This is excellent and not common knowledge. this should be a mandatory class in high school kids. I don't think most people know or understand this. Thanks Gabor.
It isn't good for human farming to educate the sheeple properly. We don't want them to think on their own and question authority. We frown on homeschooling because forced public schooling is designed to break up the family unit. Dumbing down the masses and making them dependent on the government and thinking a menial job will take care of them! So less education is best. Rather mass Conformity and designed social structure to lead the sheeple without revolt because they are preoccupied with personal problems to think in higher orders. Rather we'll have corrupt politicians that have been educated in the same likeness lead the sheeple while us Puppet Masters control the banks and the politicians. We will then sell the bodies of those who are rebellious to the whole system because they have not been raised properly by Design. We will make privately owned supermax prisons sold on the stock market.
Who’s going to teach the class? Most of those teachers are more lost than the parents. They may to appear to have it all “together”, but appearances are deceiving.
Yes he admitted it in a previous interview that he's made mistakes. He's a very honest person. Also his insight comes from being a traumatised baby himself as he went through the holocaust.
All men carry sadness. Its just a matter of you figuring out a way to put a set of wheels under it so its easier or if you have to continue to drag it thru life.
My grandmother didnt have a mother hence my grandmother was unemotional , cold, stoic, selfish...my mother in turn was the same with me and my 5 sibblings..I am the complete opposite with my daughter. I broke that chain..! Sometimes I smother my daughter and over protect her bc I never recieved love from my mother...
I didn't know my grandmother. But my mom doesn't remember much about me during my childhood and baby days though I am her first child. She is not very loving towards me. Not very attached to me. Very distant with me.im now 35 years old. This haven't changed at all . But she is just the opposite with my little sister. And we are only 2 sisters. My sister too never shared and still don't share a bond with me. There is like some kind of competition going on. We are so distant. But till 2 months ago it was I who used to call her and tried to share my life with her. And it's been 2 months I never called her anymore because I noticed that she doesn't want me in her life. So I just moved on. Here I am with no family as such.
@@sheemoheeput9544 Your family of origin is only that. Your true family is made from the people you choose to be part of your life. You get to make up your family with people that love and respect you.
I would like ro suggest here something with Love..First of all Congratulations on Breaking the Chain😊 Secondly I Feel u have already Broken the Chain by being Emotionally Available to your kids but you should be Balanced and Healthy in your Approach to love them because again Over-Smothering Can make a child grow up with tendencies be An Avoidant-attachment child! Neither Under-Nourish nor Over-Nourish your child with your Love because that's what makes them Grow up to be either an Anxious or avoidant attachment style adult! Make sure your Love is balanced so your breaking of generational Trauma is actually healthy for your child! ❤🤗😌Lots of love.. Stay Safe🤗❤
I love this man but do not understand how everything he says is not immediately apparent or self explanatory. Nobody has any business procreating until they understand this shit. I could have explained this from the age of about 12. I actively told my mother she needed to fix her daddy issues from the age of 15 because the men she brought into our home were abusing me. I'm autistic- maybe I have more awareness because I was forced to learn how other's minds work instead of proverbially resting on my laurels.
I guess you're right. Trauma is an occupational hazard of being born. It's how it's dealt with that perhaps makes the difference between good an poor quality of life and self-development.
Being a child of a woman who came from a family who was ripped apart, I feel that Gabor misses the fact that some circumstances cannot be controlled, changed or predicted. This is very sad and difficult for me to hear, that I failed my children because my mother failed me. How about doing a lecture on the issues that affect parenting that were literally no one’s fault. I think this man means well but by his statement that the first three years are critical in a child’s life makes people feel horribly about themselves and the failure of their parenting. I loved loved loved my children when they were babies, toddlers, children etc. but I wasn’t taught anything about things like this and I had to figure it out on my own. Gabor Mate when you say “love is not enough” you inadvertently criticize and denigrate people like myself who sincerely loved and tried to parent with the skills available to them. Just stop making sweeping statements like this that cause more inadequacy and shame that we already feel. Please, reframe your choice of topics for people like myself, okay?
Talk to any person, who grew up in the 50's 60's ..... and you will not be anywhere near surprised .... to hear ..... how many addicted, alcoholic parents there were! ..... The stressful lives they created ..... having many children, and not enough of a support system ..... was deeply traumatic! ..... And very sadly .... deeply damaging to their children's lives.
Then the child grows up and has a choice to take responsibility for their own lives. A child that doesn’t see light becomes blind really? Billions of years of evolution wiped out unless light is present what solid scientific study has been done on this?
And you think many adults today aren't addicted to anything? You kid yourself. Not only are they addicted, they've become even more selfish they don't even want kids to interfere in their addictions so they abort them. You think this is progress?
Hold on hold on..Now is much worst when you talking about addictions. Today drugs are more essential in life then bread bzc bread contains gluten😂. They 12 years old and smoking weed per day as often as am drinking my tea. And then few years later no brain, brain gone with smoke away, no good memory,and they with aggressive attitude, with anger, with anxiety and schizophrenia.Thats the results of smoking weed,drugs etc..Thats what they done to them.Now we have young generations of lazy drug addicted losers..and please don't blame always parents. When am talking with them, with casual met young people on the streets, the cannabis smokers they always giving me same answer: for fun! So stop looking for excuses always for bad behaviour.Some people are just bad.
@@jakebeaker4243 You're right. Let's call it evil. Humans are not things that can be obliterated just because we think it's wrong that they might suffer in life. Everybody suffers in this life.
i have a 4 month old baby girl that I love with all my life. but I'm severely depressed I left a mentally and physically abusive relationship when I was 6 months pregnant. I have ptsd & I always try to be emotionally available for my babygirl but some days I have episode where I'm so in my head that I can't even pay attention to her. I feed her and hold her but no interaction. I hate that I'm not happy go lucky baby talking funny face making mama. I just can't be it's not in me. I sing to her and talk to her but I feel it's not enough
Thank you for this heartfelt message. It sounds like you are doing your very best in a difficult situation. Can you find some trustworthy support for you - among family or trusted friends? Professional health providers? You are right that your baby needs a responsive caregiver but you do not have to do the caregiving alone. Have you access to professional support? Have you a medical doctor or a counsellor you can see? Mothers we have interviewed have found great relief through talk therapy and medications. As you will see by listening to the mothers in these videos, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Please seek help. Videos you may find helpful: kidcarecanada.org/media/treatments-introduction (the mum at 2:24 went off meds after 2 years, had a second baby with no postpartum depression. And has never had it since. She said the meds saved her life and her relationship with her baby.) kidcarecanada.org/media/new-mothers-need-support kidcarecanada.org/media/importance-kindness (you might like the other Dr. Dan Siegel videos too - but this speaks to the need for self-compassion) Take care. I hope you can find the support you need and deserve.
I don't have a kid, but I've had this and have been unable to work, I found that daily guided meditations and affirmations calmed and rewired my brain, I still do them but maybe not as often, My brain doesn't get so negative lately, but still want to reinforce these ideas on my subconscious mind so, I like some channels: Meditative Mind, PowerThoughts Meditation Club and Michael Sealey, I hope you like them, If not just search for classical music, go on a news fast, no negative people or stories around you for awhile and breathe and enjoy your child and life. Much love and peace.
You are doing the best you can and if later in her life you can be as honest and articulate as you have been in your post she will be lucky to have you as a parent. Be kind to yourself.
You are aware of your limitations, that’s a strength. Be kind to yourself. Find an organisation that can help you be the parent you want to be. You’re doing fine. Carry on the great work and labour of love.
I hope when I become a dad that I can be a positive influence on my children. They're going to grow up knowing that their emotions matter. And that I am a safe person to come to. Growing up, it was utter chaos for me. But when my mom wasn't in the hospitals (physical/mental), she was a very loving mother. Sometimes she tried to be more of a friend, but I recall seeing this pattern and resisting in my preteens. My father was....difficult, but was always there. He showed emotions poorly, but he tried.
Wow. Everything i felt inside myself, but couldn't put it into words. Here, Gabor Mate beautifully explains everything i have had in my head all this time.
I’m a single Mum struggling and since I got divorced (when my baby boy was 2 and I was pregnant of my baby girl) I’m really concerned about how to do it so my kids weren’t affected. A couple of years ago I start meditating and practicing yoga, so I could grow to be a good reference for my kids but sometimes I feel weaker. This will work as a rock for that weak moments. Thank you
I don't like the title of this video. Love is, per definition, the will and endeavor to give attention, acceptance, affection, nurture and healthy challenges to somebody (even oneselves). Thus, loving the child contains everything a child ever will need. Couldn't agree more on the fact this requires focused, perceptive and available, loving parents.
Knowing this is both liberating and worrisome; realizing that you could be the one to break the generational pattern in your family. There's that pull of comfort to the trauma you've grown accustomed to and the pull of healing and living to what can poasibly be.
People are so eager to make babies who aren’t even 2 years old be emotionally independent. Lots of superstition surrounding this and it comes from a society that avoids connection. Then we have a loneliness epidemic and widespread depression. And wonder why.
@@katherandefy I was just thinking the same. As long as there are healthy boundaries, you cannot spoil a kid with love. In my mind I always have the thought that when they are young for them to feel as comfortable and loved as possible, then the child will be ‘complete’ and when ready it will sort him/herself out in regards to being independent.
This talks to every area of our lives. That if if we are happy and content we begin to take care of ourselves and those around us. And most of all we enjoy life
We need coping skills for authentic living. Thanks. Love is not enough. Balance is. I felt neglected at the CH. of Helsinki. The doctors knew the maximum time a child can be separated from her parent. My f was a living monster/ no good. The doctors sensed that. We were evaluated healthy but we were fortified psychologically. Thank you.
I don't know how or if anyone knows Sylvia Sterpka but it is extremely important for her granddaughter that she listened to this I'm begging someone to have her listen to this
Babies are not blank slates and very soon Dr. Denise Cook will prove that you are born with your personality type and that it is immutable. That is going to cause a huge ruckus in the community. I hope I live long enough to see it.
Good morning- you know when I was raising my children, I had no help, on the contrary the people that should have helped me where the ones who caused the most problems. Single mom, had to work, go to school and raise kids, clean house, change the oil in the car (had no money for someone else to change it). However, with all of that said- the thing I would do differently is teach my children how to pray more- many children have problems self regulating because they think they are all alone and in reality if they know how to speak with the Lord they know that they are not alone.
I reached this site via a recovering Jordan Peterson. Both men have a great deal to offer. This four minute talk is a revelation. Thank you, Gabor Mate.
High schools need to teach this; education is one of the pillars that must support this. I am doing the work with my daughter out of learning from my own broken childhood; parenthood is the hardest work cause it is easy just to give up on your children
These tremandous valuable knowledge needs to be integrated into the school program all over the world. Thanks Gabo. I love the spreeches, interviews and workshops you've given and making available and accessible. I know you through your book "When the Body Says No".
Tragic and non tragic, because if there wasn't any BAD things in the world,,,how can we know what GOOD is to compare it to. The only way we have tragedy is when there are times without tragedy, that's how we notice it turning tragic.
@@noway325 Some people do have real tragedy, and some people are the cause of their own tragedy. But in most cases we have plenty of both. To many people play the victim, and are to lazy to do anything about it, (Lazy or Cowardice,,,which ever applies). But life isn't just one thing, (all bad or all good). We wouldn't even know what good is, if we didn't have something to mesure it against, (like say,,,bad).
Or raising the child whilst unconsciously rejecting the child’s authenticity maybe because the parent’s need the attachment to their larger group so they must choose between their attachment and the authenticity need of the child who may be naming his authenticity based on his attachment need to his group.
I’m so fucked with depression I’m ruining my children’s futures?!? Well that’s just further depressing...god damn it. Fuck me if that’s not the greatest wake up call. I literally got to get my shit together if my children even stand a chance I’ve got work to do people ...
Your supporting points are excellent and agree with my many years of science and education. But your headline is faulty perhaps because of what you think love is. True love is putting the needs--not the wants--of another person over our own wants. In the context of your video, love requires us to put the needs of our children (who we brought into the world) above our life goals. It is love that requires we get over our depression and other negative traits. Love includes setting up boundaries or consequences for bad behavior. But Love is always motivated by being concerned for what is best for the other person. Every one of our actions should be based on Love, (which is far different than our emotions). Every command in the Bible, from not stealing to not committing murder, is based on true love. It manifests itself in doing what is right. In conclusion, Love is Enough.
I believe that there are no particular rules as every child is moved by external forces....I did take care at the best way I could But than at 17 my child turn his back on me....Yes it is true that it is better to avoid any stress or anxieties whatsoever: the world is not enough.
Those positive patterns that you set surely remain in the child’s subconscious.It might seem that your child turned your back on you but the positive influence of your love will surely be a part of his repertoire
What is the right support? I was traumatized regularly as an infant by my father and as such don't trust men. Ive never gotten help for it feeling that diet, exercise, meditation would cure me. The subconscious projection keeps attracting the pattern of either an emotionally unavailable man or one with mal adaptive stress response and violence. What can i do to heal this part of my brain? The amygdala. Thankyou and for any further input.
secdeal he is also healing and learning..he is a senior and perhaps working with ppl he maybe took on some.of their energy...there is a video around where Gabor is dancing..it may give u a better impression😊
Being poor doesn't mean being a bad parent. I know plenty of people who came here from other countries and build themselves up. Their kids had a wonderful future because they were determined to get out of poverty. Being poor doesn't mean having psychological problems. Having psychological problem and not getting help, can ruin your kids if you or they they don't get therapy.
I'm confused. Agree self care is the priority. But about brain development - what about neuroplasticity and the effects of meditation ? Isn't there unequivocal evidence that the brain can heal and restructure itself even from the impact of physical trauma?
They are confused what love is. They crave love and attention so will.probs end up.in abusive toxic relationships. They will cling to nyone who is nice to them ans will always crave that motherly love and wont know how to give love to their own kids..horrible viciou cycle.
Narsicists,pychopaths,Bipolar all sorts of personality disorders will born out of it.Very sad if the child is not loved,child becomes forever blind to love.
We, at KidCareCanada, have made a choice to make our resources freely available to everyone. We believe that every family deserves accessible, evidence-informed information at no cost. However, we need to sustain ourselves. If you can, please support KidCareCanada from as little as $2.00 at www.canadahelps.org/en/dn/16056
@Felipe Anderson why would you want to do that? It’s very disrespectful behaviour towards your “girlfriend”. Have you discussed this with her? !!!!
@Felipe Anderson Felipe your a first class asshole. And now everyone knows. Your obviously a very insecure person. And not that great a boyfriend either if you have to hack your girlfriends Instagram to see what's going on with her. How about trying to actually speak to her & find out what's going on in her life. Coz what your doin is pretty creepy. You dont want to be a creep now do you?
@@jennzenn971 it's a bot or something I've seen the same comment before just report it 🙂 PS care for Canada I love that you give free content and Went to donate $2 but the minimum amount is $3 dollars and not $2 and the exchange rate is not so good right now but if I end up with a bigger bank account and end up here again I will donate it 🙂☺️
@@sorenlorenson8327 Reported.. Thanks for advice 🙂
No German Subtitels but all other. A really Joke!
That's exactly what I have been saying to my relatives and friends soon to be parents. They have to sort themselves out first, because unwillingly they are going to pass their neurosities or psychological burdens on their children. That's what happened with my parents and me, and the only reason I managed to see that is due to all of the reading I do. Now my young cousin goes slowly into puberty and her bad behavior magnifies. Her mother wanted to send her to a psychologist. I told that she is the one that needs to see a psychologist first, because it wouldn't do any good to my cousin to have therapy, but the people around her that affect her don't get aware of themselves and better. When a flower doesn't bloom, you water the soil and add nutrients. You don't blame the flower.
Άγγελος Καλαθά
Very well articulated. Excellent. I wish there were more just like you. Accept what's happened in life and try your best to progress. Don't stay in the negative, it will bring you farther down.
That's so true ..thanks for sharing
You are 100 percent true. This i know
Same here. I read a ton and it's hard to finally see that I am growing spiritually / mentally and the people around me aren't. It's even harder when the "successful" ones around me are the most screwed up people and the ones that don't take any advice or listen to people like Dr. Mate. It's sad
So essentially if you're a loser parent you're damning your child to a lifetime of hardwired garbage. Take on some responsibility folks and become better.
I'd be interested in what you consider as a 'loser parent', as most parents are very well-intentioned and not losers, as Dr Mate has suggested countless times.
We always have the capacity to change and increase self awareness and reflective function, our role as an adult is to do exactly what you've suggested and take responsibility for our life and work through and process our issues that most, if not all, come from our own childhood. In this way we can create a safe, loving, and attached environment with our children, and have the space to understand our children and hold their pain or distress without needing to necessarily 'fix' anything or be authoritarian. That's all that is really needed to be a great parent. It's actually not that complicated. Children don't need things, they need nurturance from an understanding caregiver that has time for them and a healthy environment. What makes it complicated is the societal context that we are living in.
Additionally, it really is never too late for parents to begin taking that responsibility for themselves. Yes, you may have missed the opportunity during the first 1000 days of your child's life, of which is vitally important for healthy biological development and the period known as the 'synaptic explosion' that continues to occur through adolescence but slows into adulthood. But doing this work of self realisation and processing dramatically shifts an individuals personality at any age; you become calmer, more centred, more nurturing, less anxious, less depressed etc. and that is an excellent change for any relationship at any time in the life, particularly the parent-child relationship.
Lastly, Dr Mate doesn't suggest that children are subject to a lifetime of 'hardwired garbage'. You should look into neuroplasticity, and that we always have the capacity to change at any age. It simply gets more difficult and takes a more concerted, consistent effort as we get older to do so on a biological level.
Yup. Most people don’t investigate themselves except in times of great crisis. And as we can see today with all the pandemic protesters and denials, some don’t even then. Unwillingness to face trauma and negativity will procreate misery until someone breaks the chain.
Gabor and Alan Watts possess enough wisdom to heal the world, if only enough people would listen. Peace, love and wisdom.
True
Alan Watts is my saviour.
Greatest need for any living being is to be welcomed with safety, love and tender acceptance. This should be the priority and foundation for better world
Spot On!
Instead, let's just send parents back to work 4 weeks after they're born, and make them each work 40+ hours per week so they can keep a roof over their heads but never see their kids. USA! USA! NUMBER ONE! USA!
yes. and yes.
@@ptanyuh honestly that's inhuman and I don't know how women in USA do it. Most of Europe has 1 year paid maternity leave for the first child, second year and a half, third and every child after that two years. Plus you get a bonus when you have a baby, amount is average salary, it's a viewed as help for buying baby stuff.
@@ptanyuh yes we are a greedy people.
It used to be work work work to have more more more.
Sadly now it is more like-work work work and pray you survive.
BUT yet there are still the greedy that believe there is never enough, and as along as I don’t have to ‘see’ others plight I will keep on keeping my own.
God help us all!
This is excellent and not common knowledge. this should be a mandatory class in high school kids. I don't think most people know or understand this. Thanks Gabor.
They barely let them teach kids about contraception, you think THIS is going to get into western schools?
So very yes! Kids need good, aware, stable, parenting!
agree! that would be so so important!
It isn't good for human farming to educate the sheeple properly. We don't want them to think on their own and question authority. We frown on homeschooling because forced public schooling is designed to break up the family unit. Dumbing down the masses and making them dependent on the government and thinking a menial job will take care of them! So less education is best. Rather mass Conformity and designed social structure to lead the sheeple without revolt because they are preoccupied with personal problems to think in higher orders. Rather we'll have corrupt politicians that have been educated in the same likeness lead the sheeple while us Puppet Masters control the banks and the politicians. We will then sell the bodies of those who are rebellious to the whole system because they have not been raised properly by Design. We will make privately owned supermax prisons sold on the stock market.
Who’s going to teach the class? Most of those teachers are more lost than the parents. They may to appear to have it all “together”, but appearances are deceiving.
This man carries such sadness with an outlet of such wisdom
He looks tired to me
Yes he admitted it in a previous interview that he's made mistakes. He's a very honest person.
Also his insight comes from being a traumatised baby himself as he went through the holocaust.
All men carry sadness. Its just a matter of you figuring out a way to put a set of wheels under it so its easier or if you have to continue to drag it thru life.
My grandmother didnt have a mother hence my grandmother was unemotional , cold, stoic, selfish...my mother in turn was the same with me and my 5 sibblings..I am the complete opposite with my daughter. I broke that chain..! Sometimes I smother my daughter and over protect her bc I never recieved love from my mother...
You are amazing for braking the chain, thank you.... reallly thank you for making the world a better place!!!!!!!!
I didn't know my grandmother. But my mom doesn't remember much about me during my childhood and baby days though I am her first child. She is not very loving towards me. Not very attached to me. Very distant with me.im now 35 years old. This haven't changed at all . But she is just the opposite with my little sister. And we are only 2 sisters. My sister too never shared and still don't share a bond with me. There is like some kind of competition going on. We are so distant. But till 2 months ago it was I who used to call her and tried to share my life with her. And it's been 2 months I never called her anymore because I noticed that she doesn't want me in her life. So I just moved on. Here I am with no family as such.
it's so nice to hear stories like this! Thanks for sharing
@@sheemoheeput9544 Your family of origin is only that. Your true family is made from the people you choose to be part of your life. You get to make up your family with people that love and respect you.
I would like ro suggest here something with Love..First of all Congratulations on Breaking the Chain😊
Secondly I Feel u have already Broken the Chain by being Emotionally Available to your kids but you should be Balanced and Healthy in your Approach to love them because again Over-Smothering Can make a child grow up with tendencies be An Avoidant-attachment child! Neither Under-Nourish nor Over-Nourish your child with your Love because that's what makes them Grow up to be either an Anxious or avoidant attachment style adult! Make sure your Love is balanced so your breaking of generational Trauma is actually healthy for your child! ❤🤗😌Lots of love.. Stay Safe🤗❤
This makes so much sense as I reflect on my three children and where I was in my life when they were babies.
Ditto 😑
I love this man but do not understand how everything he says is not immediately apparent or self explanatory. Nobody has any business procreating until they understand this shit. I could have explained this from the age of about 12. I actively told my mother she needed to fix her daddy issues from the age of 15 because the men she brought into our home were abusing me. I'm autistic- maybe I have more awareness because I was forced to learn how other's minds work instead of proverbially resting on my laurels.
Good point and my perennial question constantly ignored.
I see the generational patterns in my family
I wish I had seen these things long ago, and am glad that I see them now, excusesbegone.
And in mine. Hopefully this will be the last generation.
Same, that's why I cut contact with them 4.5 years ago.
Hahaha, you're FUCKING NUTS.
@@coreycox2345 👍
I adore both Gabor and Jordan. I have practiced psychotherapy for 30 years and he is spot on about parenting and child development.
This means pretty much the whole world's babies are affected, everyone is stressed in some way
I guess you're right. Trauma is an occupational hazard of being born. It's how it's dealt with that perhaps makes the difference between good an poor quality of life and self-development.
You must protect your children from the stressors you absorb and have great bounderies
Its more about how you respond to that stress.
@@pushthetempo2 nailed it
Being a child of a woman who came from a family who was ripped apart, I feel that Gabor misses the fact that some circumstances cannot be controlled, changed or predicted. This is very sad and difficult for me to hear, that I failed my children because my mother failed me. How about doing a lecture on the issues that affect parenting that were literally no one’s fault. I think this man means well but by his statement that the first three years are critical in a child’s life makes people feel horribly about themselves and the failure of their parenting. I loved loved loved my children when they were babies, toddlers, children etc. but I wasn’t taught anything about things like this and I had to figure it out on my own. Gabor Mate when you say “love is not enough” you inadvertently criticize and denigrate people like myself who sincerely loved and tried to parent with the skills available to them. Just stop making sweeping statements like this that cause more inadequacy and shame that we already feel. Please, reframe your choice of topics for people like myself, okay?
Talk to any person, who grew up in the 50's 60's ..... and you will not be anywhere near surprised .... to hear ..... how many addicted, alcoholic parents there were! ..... The stressful lives they created ..... having many children, and not enough of a support system ..... was deeply traumatic! ..... And very sadly .... deeply damaging to their children's lives.
Then the child grows up and has a choice to take responsibility for their own lives. A child that doesn’t see light becomes blind really? Billions of years of evolution wiped out unless light is present what solid scientific study has been done on this?
And you think many adults today aren't addicted to anything? You kid yourself. Not only are they addicted, they've become even more selfish they don't even want kids to interfere in their addictions so they abort them. You think this is progress?
Hold on hold on..Now is much worst when you talking about addictions. Today drugs are more essential in life then bread bzc bread contains gluten😂. They 12 years old and smoking weed per day as often as am drinking my tea. And then few years later no brain, brain gone with smoke away, no good memory,and they with aggressive attitude, with anger, with anxiety and schizophrenia.Thats the results of smoking weed,drugs etc..Thats what they done to them.Now we have young generations of lazy drug addicted losers..and please don't blame always parents. When am talking with them, with casual met young people on the streets, the cannabis smokers they always giving me same answer: for fun! So stop looking for excuses always for bad behaviour.Some people are just bad.
@@sketchartist1964 I wouldn't call it selfish to abort children that can't be taken care of properly.
@@jakebeaker4243 You're right. Let's call it evil. Humans are not things that can be obliterated just because we think it's wrong that they might suffer in life. Everybody suffers in this life.
i have a 4 month old baby girl that I love with all my life. but I'm severely depressed I left a mentally and physically abusive relationship when I was 6 months pregnant. I have ptsd & I always try to be emotionally available for my babygirl but some days I have episode where I'm so in my head that I can't even pay attention to her. I feed her and hold her but no interaction. I hate that I'm not happy go lucky baby talking funny face making mama. I just can't be it's not in me. I sing to her and talk to her but I feel it's not enough
Thank you for this heartfelt message. It sounds like you are doing your very best in a difficult situation. Can you find some trustworthy support for you - among family or trusted friends? Professional health providers? You are right that your baby needs a responsive caregiver but you do not have to do the caregiving alone. Have you access to professional support? Have you a medical doctor or a counsellor you can see? Mothers we have interviewed have found great relief through talk therapy and medications. As you will see by listening to the mothers in these videos, you are not alone in feeling the way you do. Please seek help.
Videos you may find helpful:
kidcarecanada.org/media/treatments-introduction (the mum at 2:24 went off meds after 2 years, had a second baby with no postpartum depression. And has never had it since. She said the meds saved her life and her relationship with her baby.)
kidcarecanada.org/media/new-mothers-need-support
kidcarecanada.org/media/importance-kindness (you might like the other Dr. Dan Siegel videos too - but this speaks to the need for self-compassion)
Take care. I hope you can find the support you need and deserve.
I don't have a kid, but I've had this and have been unable to work, I found that daily guided meditations and affirmations calmed and rewired my brain, I still do them but maybe not as often, My brain doesn't get so negative lately, but still want to reinforce these ideas on my subconscious mind so, I like some channels: Meditative Mind, PowerThoughts Meditation Club and Michael Sealey,
I hope you like them, If not just search for classical music, go on a news fast, no negative people or stories around you for awhile and breathe and enjoy your child and life.
Much love and peace.
You are doing the best you can and if later in her life you can be as honest and articulate as you have been in your post she will be lucky to have you as a parent. Be kind to yourself.
You are aware of your limitations, that’s a strength. Be kind to yourself. Find an organisation that can help you be the parent you want to be. You’re doing fine. Carry on the great work and labour of love.
Don't be hard on yourself, my dear. Find support for yourself and just keep doing the best you can. Bless you. 💗
I hope when I become a dad that I can be a positive influence on my children. They're going to grow up knowing that their emotions matter. And that I am a safe person to come to. Growing up, it was utter chaos for me. But when my mom wasn't in the hospitals (physical/mental), she was a very loving mother. Sometimes she tried to be more of a friend, but I recall seeing this pattern and resisting in my preteens. My father was....difficult, but was always there. He showed emotions poorly, but he tried.
Andrew, it sounds like you are already very aware of yourself and will take good responsibility for your role as a dad! Best wishes!
@@denise2169 thanks, Denise. My wife aren’t there quite yet, though.
People give you what they have .. much love and peace to all
And each of you listening to this xx
Is this being taught in prenatal care classes because it should be
I mean there are tests for driving why we don't have tests of mental health if a person can be a parent or not.... Would save so many lives
No, it should be basic education for all ADULTS. Because most people are not really clued up...
Wow. Everything i felt inside myself, but couldn't put it into words. Here, Gabor Mate beautifully explains everything i have had in my head all this time.
I’m a single Mum struggling and since I got divorced (when my baby boy was 2 and I was pregnant of my baby girl) I’m really concerned about how to do it so my kids weren’t affected. A couple of years ago I start meditating and practicing yoga, so I could grow to be a good reference for my kids but sometimes I feel weaker. This will work as a rock for that weak moments. Thank you
keep reading quality books, if you re on the spiritual path growth things will be ok! be gentle with yourself
What a great wisdom teacher..
The greatest thing u can give your child is your happiness
great interview, but let Gabor finish a thought before you cut him off. Poorly edited.
THIS IS ONE AMAZING DOCTORS.....HE SHOULD BE TEACHING OTHER PHYSICIANS.....MOST DOCTOR'S LACK COMPASSION.....🙏💞😇
Most doctors lack understanding
I don't like the title of this video. Love is, per definition, the will and endeavor to give attention, acceptance, affection, nurture and healthy challenges to somebody (even oneselves). Thus, loving the child contains everything a child ever will need. Couldn't agree more on the fact this requires focused, perceptive and available, loving parents.
Knowing this is both liberating and worrisome; realizing that you could be the one to break the generational pattern in your family. There's that pull of comfort to the trauma you've grown accustomed to and the pull of healing and living to what can poasibly be.
made me tear up a bit. not for me but for someone else
Sometimes you just ask God why he gave you crappy parents, but I'm sure the answer would be they too had crappy parents and so the cycle continues.
My 16 month old is extremely attached to me . I hope we keep that strong bond forever. I lover her very much!
That strong bond must change in time. Too strong bond create insecure depended personality.
Don’t let him grow up to be a dependent adult. Will be tough to balance but you got it
At 16 mos, it's very healthy for baby to be extremely attached to mommy ❤❤❤
People are so eager to make babies who aren’t even 2 years old be emotionally independent. Lots of superstition surrounding this and it comes from a society that avoids connection. Then we have a loneliness epidemic and widespread depression. And wonder why.
@@katherandefy I was just thinking the same. As long as there are healthy boundaries, you cannot spoil a kid with love. In my mind I always have the thought that when they are young for them to feel as comfortable and loved as possible, then the child will be ‘complete’ and when ready it will sort him/herself out in regards to being independent.
everyone who wants to habe kids needs to watch this
When you say love is not enough that is also love because you're still caring..
Thank you for this video. Supporting babies and children should be the #1 priority of the human species.
Gabor mate is a smart dude
Love is not enough, so true. Just real life.
This talks to every area of our lives. That if if we are happy and content we begin to take care of ourselves and those around us. And most of all we enjoy life
We need coping skills for authentic living. Thanks. Love is not enough. Balance is. I felt neglected at the CH. of Helsinki. The doctors knew the maximum time a child can be separated from
her parent. My f was a living monster/ no good. The doctors sensed that. We were evaluated healthy but we were fortified psychologically. Thank you.
He doesn't preach just talks with love, connection and vulnerability..
A true teacher and forward thinking person of our time..
Long may he continue
My folks didn’t do this. I was scared, worried and anxious over my parents dysfunction. It’s no wonder why I wound up with severe attachment issues
thank you for this video!
I don't know how or if anyone knows Sylvia Sterpka but it is extremely important for her granddaughter that she listened to this I'm begging someone to have her listen to this
Babies are not blank slates and very soon Dr. Denise Cook will prove that you are born with your personality type and that it is immutable. That is going to cause a huge ruckus in the community. I hope I live long enough to see it.
Good morning- you know when I was raising my children, I had no help, on the contrary the people that should have helped me where the ones who caused the most problems. Single mom, had to work, go to school and raise kids, clean house, change the oil in the car (had no money for someone else to change it). However, with all of that said- the thing I would do differently is teach my children how to pray more- many children have problems self regulating because they think they are all alone and in reality if they know how to speak with the Lord they know that they are not alone.
capitalism is one of the problems
Why does that baby have its ear pierced 1:17
Gabor Mate MD PhD ❤
I reached this site via a recovering Jordan Peterson. Both men have a great deal to offer. This four minute talk is a revelation. Thank you, Gabor Mate.
Be wary of Jordan Peterson.
Great man, great video. Thx for posting it!
3:47 Parents...please pay attention !!!
High schools need to teach this; education is one of the pillars that must support this. I am doing the work with my daughter out of learning from my own broken childhood; parenthood is the hardest work cause it is easy just to give up on your children
so, you know you stuffed it up. How do you fix it?
What an amazing video and a clear, charismatic speaker
Babies are brilliant
These tremandous valuable knowledge needs to be integrated into the school program all over the world. Thanks Gabo. I love the spreeches, interviews and workshops you've given and making available and accessible. I know you through your book "When the Body Says No".
What can I do for my 13 and 16 now if I didn’t have happiness when they were young? (,mentally abusive ex-husband.)
I wonder too.
Gabor Mate is so much right, he is true champion we should follow!
This advice is also important during times of great transition or great stress for the child... ie, a pandemic.
You are an amazing person!!
Life is tragic.
Tragic and non tragic, because if there wasn't any BAD things in the world,,,how can we know what GOOD is to compare it to. The only way we have tragedy is when there are times without tragedy, that's how we notice it turning tragic.
@@louisgreen3915 oh this is rubbish to many people have to much tragedy in thier lives
@@noway325 Some people do have real tragedy, and some people are the cause of their own tragedy. But in most cases we have plenty of both. To many people play the victim, and are to lazy to do anything about it, (Lazy or Cowardice,,,which ever applies). But life isn't just one thing, (all bad or all good). We wouldn't even know what good is, if we didn't have something to mesure it against, (like say,,,bad).
Thank you dr. Gabor Mate
Or raising the child whilst unconsciously rejecting the child’s authenticity maybe because the parent’s need the attachment to their larger group so they must choose between their attachment and the authenticity need of the child who may be naming his authenticity based on his attachment need to his group.
I’m so fucked with depression I’m ruining my children’s futures?!? Well that’s just further depressing...god damn it.
Fuck me if that’s not the greatest wake up call.
I literally got to get my shit together if my children even stand a chance
I’ve got work to do people ...
Looks like a reasonably happy sole ... will not judge a book by its cover...
I truly wonder what child is not affected.....?
”love” is an worn-out/dead word. Because of so much ”love” the Earth is how it is, now.
Makes one wonder.. hmmmm , then why isn’t this in curriculum in schools???
Your supporting points are excellent and agree with my many years of science and education. But your headline is faulty perhaps because of what you think love is. True love is putting the needs--not the wants--of another person over our own wants. In the context of your video, love requires us to put the needs of our children (who we brought into the world) above our life goals. It is love that requires we get over our depression and other negative traits. Love includes setting up boundaries or consequences for bad behavior. But Love is always motivated by being concerned for what is best for the other person. Every one of our actions should be based on Love, (which is far different than our emotions). Every command in the Bible, from not stealing to not committing murder, is based on true love. It manifests itself in doing what is right. In conclusion, Love is Enough.
Easy fr yu to say deal.with them.as.quickly yu can..there cn be issues after.3
My family doesn't want to change. They rather have comfort
Pearls of wisdom
Could somebody or you sir give me a link with the full interview ?
I THINK LOVE IS EVERYTHING
@maja lovric YOUR RIGHT....always trying to be present and accepting of flaws. very hard to do though
You are my support,Mr Mate.Thank God I have found you
Yeah if love isn’t enough for your greed what do u say about people who didn’t even get love.
This is so true.Thank you Gabor Mate.
What about all of these children being born to drug addicted parents today?
Then you don’t know what live is dude.
So true but its learning this so your children grow well m achieve.
Wow ....baby with ear studs ...that seems so weird to me.
Girl shut up.
Question is how to stimulate effectively cilld`s brain first tree years?
First 1000 days... is a concept to google.
Wow, makes a LOT of sense. Thanks very much, Dr. Gabor Mate.
I love the sound of his voice. I love his work and message. Thank you Monsieur Gabor Maté
Gotta be dumb if one would think that peace n love is the cure.
Thank you, dr Gabor.
What is this talk from? Is there full video?
I believe that there are no particular rules as every child is moved by external forces....I did take care at the best way I could But than at 17 my child turn his back on me....Yes it is true that it is better to avoid any stress or anxieties whatsoever: the world is not enough.
Those positive patterns that you set surely remain in the child’s subconscious.It might seem that your child turned your back on you but the positive influence of your love will surely be a part of his repertoire
What is the right support? I was traumatized regularly as an infant by my father and as such don't trust men. Ive never gotten help for it feeling that diet, exercise, meditation would cure me. The subconscious projection keeps attracting the pattern of either an emotionally unavailable man or one with mal adaptive stress response and violence. What can i do to heal this part of my brain? The amygdala. Thankyou and for any further input.
Keeping a journal of my worries helped me. Crappy Childhood Fairy has great free videos with help
for complex trauma
This guys looks like a worn out Neil Gaiman.
secdeal he is also healing and learning..he is a senior and perhaps working with ppl he maybe took on some.of their energy...there is a video around where Gabor is dancing..it may give u a better impression😊
secdeal he looks worn out.
What a pity! It should be.
Superb video!
Being poor doesn't mean being a bad parent. I know plenty of people who came here from other countries and build themselves up. Their kids had a wonderful future because they were determined to get out of poverty. Being poor doesn't mean having psychological problems. Having psychological problem and not getting help, can ruin your kids if you or they they don't get therapy.
thank you
True
Ah... great..
Dr Gabor Mate looks like he really needs a good sleep
Right ✅
True.
The brain develops through all your life.
I'm confused. Agree self care is the priority. But about brain development - what about neuroplasticity and the effects of meditation ? Isn't there unequivocal evidence that the brain can heal and restructure itself even from the impact of physical trauma?
What about young children thrown in childcare as infants? What is the effect? Do they suffer from abandonment issues later in life?
What support is he talking about ? How should a parent support their child in their early years ?
why are all the baby picture's white babys?????
Hahahahaha depression can last for ever!!!!!!
When a mom does not bond with their baby, how is that child affected for the rest of their lives?
They are confused what love is. They crave love and attention so will.probs end up.in abusive toxic relationships. They will cling to nyone who is nice to them ans will always crave that motherly love and wont know how to give love to their own kids..horrible viciou cycle.
Look up neglectful parenting or disorganized attachment. Definitely applies
Narsicists,pychopaths,Bipolar all sorts of personality disorders will born out of it.Very sad if the child is not loved,child becomes forever blind to love.