My Partner Gets Defensive When I Share My Feelings | What to Do When a Conversation Turns Negative
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- Опубликовано: 22 июл 2024
- My Partner Gets Defensive When I Share My Feelings | 5 Things to Do When a Conversation Turns Negative / We’ve all been there. You’re trying to express your feelings and then your partner gets angry and defensive and says, “What about my feelings?!” Or maybe you’re trying to assert yourself with a usually bossy friend by saying you’d actually rather see a different movie tonight and she replies, “It always has to be your way!” WTF?! You end up feeling resentful, misunderstood and, worst of all, hopeless that things will ever change. Today, I’m going to break down what’s really happening when the conversation turns negative and the five things you can think and do so you can walk away from the conversation feeling calm and empowered.
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• My Partner Gets Defens...
#DefensivePeople #RelationshipTherapy #AbbyMedcalf
I can have compassion for the fear they feel, but at the same time I do not have to accept being treated in a hostile manner.
YES!!
@@AbbyMedcalfThrivinghow do I adress this? I have made an appointment with my dance teacher to discuss our last incident because it doesn't feel good to me to just sweep it under the rug and act as if nothing happened.
I feel there is some tension between us and although I haven't seen her afterwards from my side it doesn't feel finished.
Also, I don't want to allow myself to be treated unfairly amd just silently accept being attacked after I gave her honest and respectful feedback that she herself asked for.
Now I wonder how to shape such conversation and what to do if she stays unwilling to take accountability...
I even wonder if it is useful to point out the triangulation she engaged in.
I don't wanna take classes from someone who can not accept feedback without making it into an ego fight.
Am I being too sensitive or am I feeling this way because I know I am worthy of being treated right?
Yes! It is all about them. You control how you react. I don’t freak out when people come to me with problems even problems they have about me. It’s very disheartening. You can’t have a relationship with people that get defensive all the time. Just know, they are like that with everyone! They are fine and dandy when you have these surface level, shallow interactions, but they can’t go any deeper.
Yes! They will blame you. They will ignore you, too. Best advice is to go to a counselor. They will never come around on their own.
Yes! I agree best to disconnect from the conversation.
My bf constantly projects on me what his self-talk tells him. He hears comments thru this lens too.
Ugh - so common. Remember to stick to your boundaries (which means following through on taking action when your boundaries aren't met)!
@@AbbyMedcalfThriving Thanks. We're winding up a cruise (first and maybe last). It's been a disaster.
@@a.d.b535 sorry to hear it's been a disaster. Hope things improve!
I see the co-creation in many of the examples…but what about an aunt who was not involved much and now her children are grown she’s micromanaging…and railroading over. I had to find out some things after the fact that happened behind my back.
I only have contacted her when my dad died, or when my mom was in an accident…because my mom would want her sister to know.
This aunt has lied about me, my daughter, gotten herself put on as my mom’s POA, despite living in Alaska (I’m 5 miles from my mom) and I was an RN at the local hospital, in high standing.
It is mind blowing…and two uncles have believed the fantastical lies, and not engaged in conversation with me. It is so unhealthy and I want nothing to do with it.
Dr. Abby Metcalf, I can't tell you how helpful your podcasts have been! ❤
OMG, thank you!! So appreciate the love - it means more than I can say!
Summary
#1: Understand the other person is expressing only thier perspective not yours. Its not about you. Its about them and thier perspective. Understand and accept that they are responsible for thier negativity not you.
#2 Understand that negativity is an expression of resistance. Usually a response to feeling scared or fearful or overwhelmed. It is crucial to respond with empathy.
#3 : Take responsibility that you have in some way co-created the state of the relationship. You have at some point muddied a boundry that may have contributed to the conflict.
#4 : Respond to negative comments with open ended questions to learn. This will shift the energy. Do not argue the negativity statements or try to prove them wrong.
#5 Try not to take it personally. Remember they are expressing just thier perspective that comes from fear or a threat. They usually are responding with the the amegdilla portion if thier brain at thus point. You need to be patient wait till the immediate emotional state is over before they start to responde with the rational part of thier brain.
Oooh - that's good!
I love Dr. Abby Metcalf….
This was really good. So well explained.
Yay! Glad it resonated!
youre so smart and your explanation makes so much sense
Yay! So glad this resonated with you :)
I use to do this and yes it's all about them because when I would get upset i wasn't listening all i knew was that they just upset me with whatever they told me i was usually the defensive one and i wouldn't continue the conversation because they were wrong and i was right. Yes i did feel that way always. I learned how to change this about myself because i noticed it wasn't working and I had alot of unsolved issues with friends, family etc. Now when i deal with someone like this i dont know what to do and how to switch the conversation to a non toxic conversation.
I have learned more from you over the last 2 years than years of in-person Couples therapy! Thank you for all the work you do for us!!
Oh my gosh - this means the world to me. Thank you! Sending a big hug!
Thank you for helping me see the light
You're very welcome! Sending love!
The motherly advice me and every man out there needs ^^
Thank you ❤
You're welcome!
My biggest takeaway from this:
Don't make statements, don't knee-jerk defend or reassure. Instead, ask open-ended questions. This way you're leaning in and reduces resistance from your partner.
Ex: "What am I saying/doing that makes you think I don't love/respect/appreciate you?"
"Is there anything I say or do where you do feel loved/respected/appreciated by me?"
Love that!
I think so your so cute I LOVE this I'm looking forward watching more ❤❤❤❤
That's so sweet! Thank you - you've made my day!
So what if I’m telling them how their actions made me feel and they get defensive and gaslight ?
Yes I'm wondering the same thing. I'm thinking based on what she said that may be the time to put up a boundary and not continue the conversation in that moment. I'm sure she has tips somewhere in how to disengage in a loving way even though the other person might become more angry that you are putting up a boundary. But like she said once they are in that mode of being defensive and starting to gaslight it's highly unlikely that you will get anywhere with them.
Oy - late to reply here but check out my podcast on gaslighting! abbymedcalf.com/signs-that-someone-is-gaslighting-you-and-what-to-do-about-it/ Sending love and patience!
I am always the defensive partner. How do I learn how to response. I’m killing my relationships.
I always feel like the partner was being overly criticizing. Especially when I acknowledged the problem and was working on it.
It might help to listen here: abbymedcalf.com/how-to-listen-without-getting-defensive-or-hurt-2/ or here: abbymedcalf.com/how-to-deal-with-a-defensive-person-who-wont-listen/ 💜
She started cussing cuz I started listening to ur video smfh
"No victims here" ... except for literal victims, I hope. Please don't tell me you're a professional and treating victims of abuse as if they don't have a right to fully understand what happened to them.
Idk if your new to Abby, but from her style of coaching it's not literally no victims, it's more so focused on what the individual can do in their situation. And that includes learning tools for coping, self esteem, and boundaries so if you truly are a victim in an abusive relationship you'll have the self worth and knowledge to know when to walk away vs something that can be worked on. This particular video is about situations that can be worked on, not abusive ones that can't.
A victim in this sense would be someone who feels everything is the other person's fault (in situations that can be worked on, not abusive ones) and doesn't do any self reflection on how they may have contributed to that situation.
So appreciate the comments left here - they're absolutely spot on. If you follow me more you'll see that I would never, ever (of course) victim shame.
@@daniellejordan9847 thank you for jumping in here! So appreciate you seeing me and what my message is all about!
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I know its about them, but does that mean that I have to accept them lashing out whenever I trigger their defensiveness?
How do I adress this with the person and what do I do if they refuse to be accountable for their destructive ways of dealing with honest and respectful feedback that they themselves asked for?
Blah blah blah blah blah blah. Here's my sundress blah blah
Your name fits well