relationship/coming out advice for asexuals/demisexuals/greysexuals | types of attraction
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- Опубликовано: 26 июл 2024
- happy pride month!
here's some advice on being in healthy and safe relationships for people on the asexual spectrum.
please stay safe, and make sure your boundaries are respected.
you deserve the kind of love and affection that you feel comfortable with.
watch my coming out video: • let's talk about my se...
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music by Emily McNally - pretty girl - thmatc.co/?l=95D27D64
I ended up being extremely lucky in life. In a world where it is sometimes isolating for asexuals, my childhood best friend turned out to be asexual just like me! She is also my queerplatonic partner/soulmate, with possible marriage and maybe even kids down the line. I’ve always felt blessed having someone to relate to about this from a younger age!
that’s lovely ☺️ it is great to grow up with someone who understands
Wow you’ve won the lottery
I’m also ace but I don’t know any other aces in person
I love how you focus on being lucky in this way. It must have been great to grow up around at least one person who understood. It's funny I keep saying I am old, but it's relevant. Going all the way back to high school and being with someone for three years making up excused not to be there and two marriage. Honestly, I did think I was just screwed up and should be able to figure it out. I literally always pretended to like it when I wanted nothing less. I am not romantic. No one really talked about asexual as within a typical spectrum.
Like you, I do feel very lucky about certain things in relation to my asexuality, I feel I am very fortunate now to have three adult kids in the LBQTQA community. This is why I was really thrown off by my sister telling me it would be breaking boundaries to come out to them. But everyone here is helping me a lot. Thank you
Omg I’m very happy for you!
Me, an asexual who has never dated: ✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻✍🏻
😊😊
So my dad has always been very anti-lgbt but recently came out as demisexual. At the time he didn’t realize it was part of the asexual umbrella, but as he’s learned more, he has developed more open mindedness towards the community. I am also demisexual and him coming out first made it much easier for me to speak up about my experience. It’s a rare situation for sure to have a parent that gets it, but I just wanted to share my story
That’s amazing! 💛 it makes me so happy to hear that. It means the world to have someone so close to you understand and be able to relate. Happy Pride Month to the both of you 🥰🏳️🌈
It is quite eye opening. Realizing I'm demisexual helps me be more empathetic with other sexualities.
I just came out today as greysexual. I feel proud and happy. I’m glad to be apart of a loving community.
That’s lovely! Very proud of you for coming out ☺️ welcome to the family and happy pride month!
I am so happy for you! I really hope I am able to come out to my kids soon. This gives me incentive and hope
You guys that are in your 20s are so lucky. You have so much more now. When I grew up, in the 80s, it was just straight, drag queens, and gay people were hiding behind everyone else. I am so grateful the internet has allowed so much to happen.
we are very lucky to have the community and resources available. our community has come a long way thanks to the efforts of all the previous generations of queer people. I’m grateful for that too 🥰
It certainly is easier now. But not everywhere. And hate is still not the only problem. Awareness is. Here in Germany there is still none of it for all the As (and of course the sublabels of them). It took me coincidences to find out I am an agender aroace in the second half of my twenties. And that would not have been possible without my proficiency of English.
So yeah, things are better. But there is still a long way to go.
@@Never_again_against_anyone Hey, I'm genderneutral asexual. Rock on. I'm sorry for assuming. I live in the States, which has its problems, but we have the freedom to express our ideas. I am ignorant about what it's like in other countries.
@@GlitteryPegasus Nothing to be sorry about. There are better and worse things everywhere.
Our "Meinungsfreiheit" (freedom of opinion) is not that different from the American freedom of speech. The world would be awful without ideas and discussions.
Rock on, too.
intellectual attraction PERFECTLY describes the situationship I've been in for years. this is incredible
that’s great! ☺️ intellectual intimacy is lovely
As someone coming to terms with my demisexuality, and looking to ‘come out’ to my friends, this vid really helped me find the right words to articulate how I’m feeling. So thank you so much for this!
I’m so glad to hear that 🥰 welcome to the demisexual community!
This is interesting since I never think about it as "coming out". I just mention it as a disclaimer or a random fact about me like when I bring up my love for spongebob or social anxiety issues. Although I have not told my family and don't plan to since they would not receive it well. They would probably dismiss it and say it was "normal" or just "having morals/standards". I don't really feel like arguing with family about it. Years ago when I was questioning and I thought I was asexual I randomly asked my mom what if ppl don't want to have sex but want to get married and she said that didn't make sense bc why would you even marry then 😓. I know I'm demisexual now but it gets annoying having to constantly teach ppl about it and wonder if they will get it or dismiss it. This is why I often say "I crush in stages" it's somehow easier for ppl to get once I mention it and break it down that way. Although occasionally I'll still get ppl who say it's not real even when I explain how it applies directly to me.
😂 okay rant over.
people definitely don’t know a lot about the asexual umbrella in general, so when we talk about the more specific corners of asexuality (like demisexuality) they dismiss it because it’s not their experience. I feel like every queer person has to come out over and over whenever we meet new people because our society still is at a place where straight-cis-allosexual is the “expected” or “norm”. It gets exhausting sometimes, I can totally relate. Honestly for me and my sexuality I didn’t really feel a need to “come out” (to people I’m not in a relationship with) but it was more like I wanted people to know that there are others who experience the world in a different way and that I’m one of them. I wanted to play my part in normalizing it.. especially because the fact that it was so hush hush in the past has made it harder for so many people to be and accept themselves. At the end of the day, no one is owed your truth- so it is up to the individual person to decide if they want to come out, when they want to do it, and who they want to know (especially since some people and situations can be dangerous or unaccepting). It really sucks that some people just don’t get it and can’t be respectful.. hopefully we can change that one day.. but in the meantime we have our chosen families and queer communities to love and understand us (:
Exactly me too
The most difficult thing for me is how to navigate modern online/app dating as demisexual. I need a lot of time to get to know someone, and often that's just not what the other person is looking for. I've been asked "why are you even on dating apps then?" if I don't want to be physical with someone that soon. I'm not sure how to navigate dating when there is this expectation of a physical relationship early on :(
you belong on those dating apps as much as anyone else 💛 of course the demographic in different apps will vary, but there will be a group of people that are looking for the same things too. sometimes it helps to make our intentions and boundaries clear at the start to weed out anyone who is looking for a different kind of connection. when I was dating, I would have “the talk” very early on.. maybe in the chatting stage or during the first date. it can be a bit awkward at first but it really helps everyone involved understand what expectations and boundaries the both of you have.. and you can figure from there whether or not it is a good pairing. regardless, you should never be made to feel guilty for having boundaries. just because someone expects something physical early on, doesn’t mean it’s your duty to comply. no one should ever be asking you to lower your boundaries to fit their desires. enthusiastic consent is always required and if they don’t like that, they never deserved your affection in the first place
I'm struggling with the same thing. I learned a lot about myself from my last relationship. I've realised that sexual intimacy is just not a priority for me. But I don't want my partner to feel rejected or judged as ugly. I don't know how to get around this.
there are a lot of ways to communicate our affection for someone else (including non-sexual, sensual/romantic gestures). it can be really helpful to have a honest discussion about what type of intimate expression you are both comfortable with- and how much affection each of you need to feel desired and appreciated. it might also help to have a discussion with your partner about what your asexuality means (and that it is not a reflection of them/their desirability.. it is just the way you experience attraction)
Literally this. Also constantly having to come out too early, in the talking stage, in order to not waste my and the other person's time is draining and i hate it
People are gross. They just want to guilt or shame you into doing something for them. There’s nothing wrong with waiting. I think society’s got it wrong and people love it for the instant gratification but they are messing themselves up in the long run. So we win :)
I'm definitely asexual, but I don't know if I'm aromantic, as I can't figure out a good definition of what makes a relationship "romantic" or not. For now, I've settled on asexual and greyromantic. I probably do experience some amount of romantic attraction and I do want a committed relationship, but I've also never been one to put much stock into conventionally romantic things. I'd much rather have a best friend that we can play video games together, take long walks and talk about things, make dinner together, go grocery shopping together, etc.
When I was growing up, I thought that sexual attraction (especially when a classmate said "so and so celebrity is hot and I want to hook up with them"), I thought that meant "this person is aesthetically pleasing to look at or listen to, like a nice painting or a good song". So, I definitely experience aesthetic attraction, as well as emotional, platonic and intellectual attraction.
a lot of people who are aro-ace still seek queerplatonic partnerships where they are in a committed intimate relationship that are not romantic in nature. there’s also no rush to figure out exactly which identity you are, these terms are just helpful to communicate what our needs and boundaries are ☺️
I am extremely grateful that I just randomly found this video. As a confused, asexual-identifying teen, it's been hard to understand myself. I never called myself a 'real asexual' because I do experience attraction, yet none of it was sexual. I experience sensual, and romantic, and aesthetic attraction (plus more but you get it).
I always thought, (especially with the aesthetic attraction), that because I found people physically attractive that, that counted as sexual attraction. Though a part of me knew that wasn't right, but I'm so glad I now understand these terms. Honestly, as weird as it may sound, I feel oddly validated after learning these terms and descriptions of different types of attraction, like I haven't been lying to myself and everyone I have confided in.
Thank you so much. Whoops, didn't mean to spill my guts there lol.
reading this made me so happy 💛 learning the differences between the types of attraction really helped me finally understand and accept my asexuality. i’m so glad to hear that it has helped you as well! the queer community is a welcoming and inclusive place. your experiences with other types of attraction as someone on the asexual spectrum is so valid.. it’s as real as it gets!
This is the first time I've ever encountered the term alterous attraction. And it describes exactly the feeling I had about this "friend" a few years back. It was so frustrating bc I didn't know what to call it!!
knowing the term definitely helps with communicating with others about it and also with confirming your experiences and feelings (: discovering what alterous attraction meant really helped clarify things for me too
I am so there with that!!! Over many years, I have had a lot of "friends" (not as bad as it sounds? lol) More recently, when I didn't know about it, but had tried to explain it, it was a pretty downhill conversation and I felt pretty broken .
How does one pack so much knowledge and kindness into one very smol bean? How does that happen?
🥰🥰🥰
Thank you so much for this, one of the best videos out there explaining different kind of attractions... I'm coming to terms with my asexuality, but it is really confusing sometimes... Coming out day is coming up and I plan to come out to my friends as demisexual/panromantic, this is how "attractions" helped me figure it out:
I don't feel sexual attractions towards anyone at first, my attractions to people starts at zero and increases over time. There's only aesthetic attraction early on, then I feel alterous attraction for so long until it becomes either romantic attraction or platonic. After I become romantically involved with them emotional connection appears. If I'm sure that they feel the same, I would feel a sex drive. But sometimes I feel sensual and physical attraction from the beginning, like I wanna hug them, hold their hands, touch their face.. but I prefer cuddle and watch a movie instead of doing anything sexual.
I struggle with the "demi-romantic" label because it's hard to tell whether it's just sensual/alterous or already romantic;
I've chosen the "pan" label because I feel that the gender is not important in the process of making the connection.
I loved you and your videos, thanks a lot for talking about the topic,
Pouya
Hello Pouya, I’m so glad to hear that this was a useful resource for you. Good luck on coming out to your friends (: it’s definitely confusing sometimes and it takes a little while for most of us to figure it out.. but I’m proud of you for doing the introspective work for yourself 💛
Hard to discover these things way past 30 when you're already married for years and just always knew something felt wrong. And now you're pretty trapped, because you're so not on the same page with each other, but the partner will never understand.
I’m so sorry to hear that 💛 I hope your partner will be able to understand one day. Your boundaries deserve to be respected.
Very recently, I had a moment of enlightenment where I realised that all I wanted in any of my relationships with anyone is to be deeply conectted in any combination of emotional, sensual, or intellectual means. It was like a switch flipped inside of me that I suddenly saw that the thought of hailing sexual relationships as the ultimate relationship was not something i really believed in nor wanted; it was something I had been told by many people in my growing up years. I figured out that I can have close, intimate relationships with even my long time friends without even considering the relationship developing into soemthing sexual. In a way, to my past self, my recent journey has been accepting that I can, in fact, have my cake and eat it too. All I want is intimate, trusting, respectful relationships, and I can have them without ever thinking of anyone sexually.
that’s amazing that you had the moment of realization about yourself! I hope you find all the trusting and respectful relationships that suits your needs for emotional/sensual/intellectual connection 💛
What an amazing video! I appreciate the simplicity of your design combined with your calming voice and your warmth. It’s a joy to listen to you :) I think it’s really sad that most of us don’t learn about the different types of attraction early on. Figuring yourself out becomes so much harder when you don’t know about the possibilities and have no representation of your identity. It’s only thanks to videos like yours (and AVEN) that I know about asexuality and finally have the words and labels for my experience.
Thank you so much! I totally agree, I wish that sexuality, sexual orientation, and other important topics like attraction and consent was actually taught to us in sex ed classes. It would’ve helped me so much growing up and I think it would help a lot of other queer folk feel more accepted and also figure it all out sooner :)
ikr
It can take a long time. I came out as trans and ace after over half a century. My wife is fully supportive, saying: "I love a person, not a gender". She's allo, cis, and autistic, but it's all good!
that’s so great that your partner is supportive! it really can take a long time to figure out your identity, and it really helps to have someone you feel safe coming out to 💛
Never even heard or alterous attraction. I love learning new things by searching for ace content. And I feel like it explains one of my past relationships along with emotional and intellectual attarction.
I’m glad to hear that! ☺️
I came out as ace and I'm still questioning asexuality and all the different types, it's all really confusing me and myself AAA but this video helps me understand a little better
I’m glad to help, it took me a while to figure it out too.. and sometimes I still have moments where I start questioning everything haha
Another AAA🔋✌️
For all my demi/ace girlies out there, based on my experience, here's how you can find out whether the guy you're attracted will be compatible with you or not without officially coming out. Look out for these signs to weed them out:
1. He lovebombs within the first few days of texting, so much so that you literally feel like you're on top of the moon. If a guy is relentlessly pursuing you, throwing incredibly intimate texts right from the get-go, he's just in it foe sex. He probably does that to every girl and you're not going to special, especially when he finds out you're not going to be physical so early on.
2. His compliments never go beyond your appearance. Sure, it's flattering to know someone is attracted to you and we all love a harmless flirting but there's more to you than just your face and body. If every conversation with him is about attractive you are and how he can't get over you, it's a sign. He's going to do that to any girl, even slightly attractive than you and there'll always be someone. If he doesn't make any effort to know more about you or your life at least after a few days, don't get attached. It's not worth the heartbreak.
3. There's constant sexual innuendos in everything he says. Either he initiates those, or he turns something that you're saying into something sexual. He's craving for a good sex and that's all you are to him. Whether or not if he's going to be okay with waiting until you're comfortable? Hard to tell. If he's a really nice catch and realllyyy into you, he'd wait and continue to pursue you further. If he only wants sex to get anything started between you two, he's going to find another easy prey.
Having said all of this, these are some generic signs that have helped me so far. It may not be necessary that everything would add up, especially since people from different countries will behave differently based on their culture and upbringing. So look out for these signs and always believe your gut. If you still are confused on whether he's the right one, don't be afraid of a confrontational come out whenever the time comes for you to make the right choice.
Stay safe, stay happy xx
Lovely video! I referred to myself as demisexual in my early twenties but now feel more comfortable with the broader term of greyasexual. It was difficult for me to accept it because my first and so far only romantic partner was hypersexual, which meant sex was a big part of our relationship. I’ve spent years trying to figure out if I truly experienced sexual attraction, or if I just wanted to please him so he wouldn’t leave me (as I was romantically attracted). Now that I’ve been single for several years, I can confirm I rarely (if ever) experience sexual attraction. I’m sex-favorable, but without a romantic partner have no desire to throw myself at just anyone who comes my way.
thank you! I had to figure out my asexuality while I was in a relationship as well. It’s definitely more challenging to try to separate what you actually feel vs what you want to feel (for them). I’m glad to hear that you were able to figure out what you want (: it really helps make communication and boundary setting easier
I'm ace and happily engaged to my partner of two years (who is also ace). We both wrote on our Tinder profiles that we were homoromantic ace, and that's initially why we matched and started talking. ❤️
that’s amazing! i’m so glad to hear that ☺️ i know some ace people are nervous about online dating so it’s wonderful to hear success stories like yours
thank youu for this explanation of each type of attraction. this is seriously so important🙏💘
I’m glad to help 🥰 they’ve been really useful for me
happy pride month honey! love all the info packed into this vid :o)
happy pride month! 🥰🥳🏳️🌈
loved loved this video, i'm ace as well and i am so glad you are speaking on this topic
thank you :)
I came across your channel because of this wonderful, informative video and watched a few other of your videos. You are so sweet and give very relaxing and compassionate vibes. Looking forward to watching more of your videos!
aw thank you 💛 I’m so glad to hear that. I’m on a little break from making vids right now, but hopefully I can make new stuff soon (:
Thank you very much ! I really needed this video to help me put words on my feelings, I finally understand myself better now 🥰
I’m so glad to hear that 🥰 thank you for being so kind
Thank you for this video! I appreciate the vocabulary and your perspective.
Thank you for saying that 🥰 happy pride month! 💛
Honestly thank you so much for this video! I feel like what you've got in here is helping me figure out some things that I've been kinda just ignoring. Happy Pride Month!!
I’m so glad to hear that! Happy Pride Month 🥳🏳️🌈
When I realised people would actually get aroused by other people only based on their appearances: 🧍🏼♂️
God bless you Honey!! This video just brought me peace and hope!!! Thank you Love!!!
I’m so glad to hear that 🥰 thanks for being kind
Thanks so much for the video! I’ve always had a hard time putting to words the way I feel about attraction and how to describe to others my stance on what I value in a relationship since a lot of people can seem confused when it comes to asexual relationships. So thanks again!
glad to help ☺️ I struggled with getting people to understand me too.. and knowing more about the types of attraction was helpful
This video helped me a lot. I (she/they) already knew there were different types of attraction, but I only knew sexual, romantic and aesthetic attraction. So I got to explore my knowledge because of you. Thank you! I think I am a panromantic graysexual.
I want to tell my partner and I hope she'll understand it and don't leave me. I'm so nervous >_
good luck coming out to your partner! It might take a bit of time and communication to get on the same page.. I hope it goes well for the two of you 💛
@@HoneyDaengdej thank you!!
Happy Pride Month friend! ☺️🙌
Happy Pride Month! 🥰🥳🏳️🌈
This is the most helpful and comforting thing I’ve found about asexuality so far. Thank you so so much. I can get myself so confused about what label I’m “supposed” to use and trying to parse apart what’s what in terms of attraction, and this helped me a lot to learn those things and remind myself that the importance is being able to find someone I can communicate that to. Thank you so much ❤️
I’m so glad to hear that you found this comforting 💛 yes! the labels and terms are just tools we can use to communicate our needs and boundaries, so use them however you see fit (: there is no wrong answer
I wonder how many marriages fall apart because one or both partners are asexual? A so-called 'dead bedroom' or loveless marriage often leads to suspicion that the other is having an affair, in addition to other things that grow distrust, disrespect and discouragement. This is a really helpful video; thank you for making it!
this is why communication is so important. asexuality isn’t always a dealbreaker as long as there is a mutual understanding when it comes to boundaries and expectations. I’m glad to hear you found the video helpful (:
I had just recently found out that I am asexual after learning about it sometime ago, especially since I don't exactly have a sexual attraction towards anyone that I'm able to meet, and I actually prefer hugging and cuddling over any kind of sexual activity that comes to mind.
For some reason, I had a very hard time differentiating sensual and sexual (because I used to think that most sensual things were sexual) so I never questioned being on the asexual spectrum. I greatly appreciate this video because I NEVER knew about sensual attraction until now. I would say I’m most comfortable with identifying as asexual (not strictly though) as I am on the spectrum. Romantically, it’s iffy as well because I used to confuse aesthetic attraction to romantic attraction, so I would say I somewhere on the aromantic spectrum as well. For me and having a somewhat asexual mom, I’ve never viewed sex or romance as something significantly important not because it was a taboo because I just didn’t feel that way. For attraction to different genders, i don’t even know because I barely am 🗿😅🗿. But I hope the rest of you acies or non-acies come to term with that you ARE not defined by a label and it IS okay to question. Have a splendid day!!! 🗿🌞🌞🧸🗿
it definitely is okay to question 😊 sexuality is fluid (and also a spectrum) so it makes sense that a label won’t be able to fully encompass the fullness of you. I’m so glad to hear that learning the different types of attraction was helpful for you to understand your experiences and the ace/aro spectrum!
thank you so much for making this video!! I feel like I know myself better now haha
I’m so glad to hear that! 😊
You are speaking in an adorable calm demeanor. ✨As a person who belong in asexual spectrum I am so glad to find your channel. Thank you so much.
And also have you taken mbti test. Just curious to know. You really sound like an infp.
thank you ☺️ I’m actually an ENFJ but sometimes I get INFJ because I’m in between introvert and extrovert
@@HoneyDaengdej wow! ✨thank you for replying... 😊
I am an INFJ.
oo that’s nice 😊 a lot of my friends are INFJ
@@HoneyDaengdej Same here. I have only few friends, but most of them are ENFJs. They are very relatable, and understanding. 😊✨
What is the mbti test. Please tell me more about it.
Beautifully put
Thankyou
Thanks so much I needed this!
It was a little confusing for a while growing up, that i didn't the sexual urge or sexual attraction that most guys had towards girls in high school, and i knew i was always the odd one when it came to relationships, because i never had interest in pursuing relationships in general. I was be curious about masturbation at times, but it didn't go beyond that.
Although i did have a "relationship" in high school where it was a go-with-the-flow kinda thing that didn't really go anywhere after 2 years.
I decided to take a test regarding Asexuality, and i was somewhat unsurprised to find out that i am Asexual and also Aromantic. It won't bother me at all if i go my whole life without sex, relationships. All i need is some friends to hangout with, some snacks, some music, but I also enjoy solitude a lot :-).
that’s great that you’ve been able to reflect and learn more about yourself! it’s so helpful to know what you wants and what your boundaries are. welcome to the ace community!☺️
Thank you for clarifying :)) Pretty sure I’m at least graysexual. I can easily find someone aesthetically attractive without feeling any need to pursue/befriend them, but I’m pretty sure I’m not aromantic, it’s just that I very seldom (like once every 4-5 years) find someone all-around attractive enough to desire to date them.
I think a lot of other aces feel similarly about seldom having the desire to date. It’s great that you’re exploring your wants and boundaries around this topic!
i like how you included cisgender. you didn’t have to but it feels more inclusive even though it’s unnecessary :)
also many people use the term a-spec for asexual spectrum i think. i assume you are aware of this but figured i would mention anyways.
I actually didn’t know about the abbreviation when I was filming this video in 2020. I found out later when I saw people using it in the comments.. so thank you for letting me know! it’s definitely a lot easier to say than “asexual spectrum” and now I don’t have to just use asexual as a stand-in for the whole a-spec 😊
@@HoneyDaengdej yeah exactly haha. the first time u mentioned a-spec u should say asexual spectrum but after that just shorten it cus it’s easier to say.
Just came to terms with being asexual and I'm so glad I discovered this. Incredibly helpful tips and terms for explaining, thank you very much :)
I’m so glad to hear that you found this helpful 💛
This video helped me, thanks ❤
It was really interesting. Almost everything was clear to me, the only thing is the queer platonic attraction, and I guess it really is a case by case thing to define. Perhaps possibly better explained by someone experiencing it and well aware of it. Beside this detail, I understood everything. I added your video to my public playlist concerning identity.
I am happy I found your video ! 🙂
Thanks for your openness & sweet presentation.
thank you for the kind message 💛
wow, this was so helpful, ty
I really enjoyed this video, i learned alot and i was engaged the whole time.
thank you ☺️
Wow thank you for explaining it really beautifully. As a asexual exploring greysexual and mental attraction, I find it difficult explaining it others but this just really inspired me to continue to do research. Also connect with a Asexual support system or create my own 🥰💚
I’m so glad to hear that this helped you 🥰 doing research on asexuality was what helped me find the words that I could use to communicate my experiences and needs with others. hearing from and connecting with other aces definitely helps 💛
Great video! Really informative
Thank you! ☺️
This video was very helpful, especially the part where you explained the different types of attraction. As a demisexual and demiromantic person, I rarely experience romantic and sexual attraction and when I do it's only under specific circumstances, but thanks to your thorough explanations, I realized that I mostly experience aesthetic and emotional attraction. So thank you for that ^^
I’m so glad to hear that you found the information helpful! 😊
@@HoneyDaengdej
😊🤭💕🏳️🌈
great video! thank you lovely
thank you 🥰
great explanations!
thank you ☺️
Good video, it is useful for us on this spectrum for being able to communicate our needs and desires, and dealing with inevitable rejection while dating. I have a theory that the asexuality and other LGBTQ+ communities are much stronger in the extremes (e.g. completely asexual and aromantic), but somewhat less developed with regard to people, like me, in a grey area between grey-sexual and demi-sexual. For example, I can have a lot of sexual attraction as well as romantic attraction, but this will occur somewhat less often than the for most people, and the other person has to fit a number of parameters, or I will feel nothing. But when it does happen, you could never think of me as an ace. So our society tends to compartmentalize people in order to divide us, so we end up feeling like no labels can work to define us, because we do not fit in one of the extremes.
I agree! humans are way too dynamic and multi-faceted to fit neatly in rigid labels. that’s why it’s so important for us to communicate and advocate for our unique needs and experiences. there’s a lot of ace-erasure in our society and even within the queer community itself (especially for those who aren’t in the extremes).. it’s definitely something we have to work on. I keep having to remind people there’s no one way to be ace/aro and no such thing as “not ace enough”
I’m so happy to finally know who I am. I am aroace and my best friend is too! We’ve also had a QPR for many years now. Love her ❤
that’s amazing! i’m so happy for the both of you 🥰
Ty this is really helpful!
🥰💛
Wow !! Its my first time on this channel..... loved the you explained.... and the attraction vocabulary is really helpful.... thank you so much.... 😘👏❤
New Subscriber here 🙋🙏
thank you 😊💛 welcome to the channel!
I actually didn’t know there were that many types of attraction😮 I’m currently questioning whether I’m ace or not. Based on the definitions you used in this video, I’ve realized most of the attraction I’ve ever experienced is aesthetic, although I would like to be in a loving romantic relationship with someone, but I’m not so sure about the sexual part. My main problem is: how do I even start dating??? I’ve never dated before + being 2 years out of college I don’t really have opportunities to meet people my age…😥
that’s a tough one, I have a lot of friends who are out of college and are in the same position. from talking to them, what seems to help is just meeting more people in general. joining clubs/activities.. or maybe going to some meetups. most of my friends who date post college either use dating apps or meet people through friends/group settings (e.g. if they’re in a sport or regular weekend activity/class).
I'm in the exact same position as you/feel the same way!! (Although I decided to take the grad school route)
I’ve been thinking about it since last December, and only finally started to talk about it in June. Today, I finally told a friend that it is what I’ve been feeling and they said the same thing too. I still don’t fully understand “sexual attraction,” or if I feel it after all the research I’ve done. I do feel romantic attraction towards the opposite gender regularly, but I’ve never made the move, and just learned about asexuality last year. “Sexual attraction” though? I don’t know what it feels like, but I know I never want my relationships going there, ever. The other main reason though is that my friends and family constantly teased me about that, and I felt discouraged from ever trying.
Overall, I appreciate this video! And happy ace week!
happy ace week! ☺️ it took me a while to wrap my head around the concept of sexual attraction too, and honestly I’m still not 100% sure I know what it is exactly. from talking to my allosexual friends, even they have a tough time explaining what it is to them. what really helped me was researching the differences between sexual desire, arousal, and attraction. at the end of the day the most important thing is that your boundaries are respected in whatever relationship you have.. so it is great that you know that you know that you don’t want your relationships going there. it’s a vital step in communicating and setting those expectations.
@@HoneyDaengdej thank you for understanding. I’m glad to have found your video. I didn’t clarify though that I am very sex-repulsed, which is why I feel this way. But I’m always glad to hear others’ perspectives, especially since I am a feedback driven person.
Thanks for discussing and making this video! I think I found the attraction for an old friend :) not 100% sure it is the correct word but it does kinda sound right for now.
having the words to explain how you feel really helps :) as long as it communicates what you need it to and it feels right to you then it’s the right one!
As an aroace I still find romantic attraction the vagues concept of attraction in this list. Trying to understand or explain my sexuality, I find the asexual part quite easy tbh.. as for romantic attraction, because I don't really understand it myself I can't explain it well either. I find romantic attraction often seems undistinguishable from other types like sensual attraction. ... but I'm just a confused aroace lol what even is romance
that’s very understandable, I’m not an aro-spec and I still find explaining the concept of romantic attraction very difficult. most people have their own take on what it means because the word “romance” itself is used so broadly as a catch all term for anything remotely intimate in our society (which is why it is so hard to untangle romance from any other forms of relationships that are not solely platonic). I think part of the issue is that the society at large still has a very binary take on relationships.. as if the only two types that exist are friendships or romantic love.. and they drew a line between the two in a very all or nothing way.
it might help to try to explore and define your needs solely through the lens of intimacy (removed from its typical association with romance) because it really can come in other forms and other types of relationships/connections… (also, depending on who you ask, there is anywhere between 4-40 forms of intimacy out there.. so it’s absolutely wild lol.. but can also be very helpful because you’re bound to find a few that works for you and your relationships) 💛 sorry this is so long, I hope some of it helps
Thank you!!!
One way I get more comfortable with the label I use (aceflux) is to let people know. I let people know early and I came out to my parents just a couple months after I found a comfortable label. Coming out helps me feel more comfortable in MY sexuality.
me too! I also like letting people know early 😊 from my experience it also really helps with dating to be very clear and communicative upfront
oh boy, this made click to me. I'm aroace and was trying to be more close with a friend of mine though we hadn't the relationship with any label. I was kinda pushing myself to do some stuff not extremely sexual but that either way didn't make me comfortable. I think i'm kind of sex repulsed. I thought i had to do my bit , since they were kinda doing their bit too, something like that. I was already thinking about talking with them to get back the relatioship to what it was before. You made me feel even more secure that i don't need to push myself since, for example , other people when already now their sexuality usually don't push themself to be with the gender they don't experience attraction to, so the same goes for me about sexual attraction.
yess! you do not owe anyone sexual intimacy. your boundaries deserve to be respected 💛 I wish you luck in forming a relationship that feels comfortable and secure for the both of you.
Really thank you 🥺🥺🥺♥️
This is helpful. I'm sensual asexual.
I’m glad to hear that 💛
This one of the best videos I have seen on this. Like I say all the time, I am older. I am 55 years old. So my experience has recently been complete honesty with potential partners. However, while I am bi, I have only been in a relationship with men. And men my age, so far about 4 men, have told me they could never have a relationship with someone who they can't "please" in the manner they believe expresses attraction (sex). I think my kids have a great generation, thanks to many like them and like you. Maybe someone can help older (I mean like over 50) folks be more vocal to others. I believe I am probably not the only one who understands myself better, but is frustrated that peers I may be attracted to see anything on the asexual spectrum as a statement about themselves ..not about the person they are with. Thanks again though. This was a great video.
it can be difficult for people to separate themselves from the narrative sometimes. they take your experiences as a personal failing on their part, and that’s not the case at all. asexuality is definitely not something to be fixed.. the toxic narratives around manhood and sexuality is what needs mending! I’m glad more people are talking about their experiences and the ace spectrum because it really helps destigmatize it.
@@HoneyDaengdej 100 percent!
This is quite true. But now that I finally understand it, I feel bad for how many more like me over 50 have no idea and think they have a "problem." For me it helped me figure out I was bi as well. I am very glad people my age are starting to understand. I am super glad for the younger generation (my kids and later) hopefully dealing less with stigma. I do have a lot of feelings which always take me back to believing someone in the shipping department sent me down here to live years before my start date!
This is a constant theme goes from the digital age, disability, social relationships, and other things, and now orientation.
It is a running joke for me with no lack of material.
h
the older generations definitely walked so we can run now (: all the work we do is in hopes that the next generation will be able to live without stigma and shame. I’m glad to hear that you are able to live your truth and embrace the wholeness of you now!
@@HoneyDaengdej That is a very apt analogy. I think that's usually true in general over time through life. I am going to use that one. I do feel like my generation (gen x) was the worst in modern times. The Boomers changed society. We kind of let a lot of things linger...
Congratulation!😊
_My ace butt just wanting to befriend that nice girl who has class with me sometimes_
Thanks for all the advices, btw
(Came for them tho xD)
You should go for it! I’m sure they’ll be happy to have you as a friend (:
Great video ❤️❤️❤️
thank you 💛💛
Tysm for this
🥰🥰
You're so sweet, I love your content✨
I am demisexual and recently I've been asked out by a friend of mine and I'm currently trying to figure out what kind of attraction I feel towards her and I'm pretty anxious because I honestly don't know if I'll ever develop a physical attraction to her ,,
Sorry for the oversharing but this was meant to say: I'm glad someone is talking about these things! Makes me feel seen 🌸✨
No worries at all! I’m glad that the vid was able to help you ☺️ I completely relate to the anxiety of having that convo with a potential partner. I think as long as you are both open and communicative there shouldn’t be a problem! There’s lots of types of attraction out there and tons of way to show someone that you love and appreciate them.
Thank you💖💖
blessed who were born asexual they don't know how lucky they are.
bit confused as to why "demisexuality" deserves a special term as if it's a particular type of 'condition.' one would think that the preferred basis on which people have intimate relations is because there is emotional feeling beforehand and in fact, seems to me like a natural precondition.
i get that people will have casual sex, willy-nilly, especially males (as they're able to emotionally disconnect and just "bust a nut" if you will), however, even some of those people will divulge that those types of exchanges make them feel empty inside and like there is a void.
having an emotional connection with someone and developing some kind of foundation before making it into the bedroom seems normal?
for people on the asexual spectrum in particular, the important detail is that it isn’t a choice. demisexual people don’t just “prefer” to only have intimate relations with people they have an emotional connection with… they are unable to feel any sexual attraction towards people they don’t have an emotional attachment to. it is something outside of their control.
for those who participate in the “traditional” model of relationships, this may not have a big affect on them… but since no two people and two relationships are the same, some people need these words to communicate their needs and boundaries with others.
the vocabulary is a tool for communication, identity, and community building… and just like any other tool, each individual can choose if they do or do not want to utilize it.
I am wondering where crushes fit in. I find I enjoy imagining interacting with certain people, either romantically, platonically, or sexually, but no actual desire to act on the sex or romance parts, at least. For example, I can look at someone and identify features and characteristics that I think are/would be sexually attractive, but I don't personally want to experience sex with them; it's more an admiration of those qualities. I would however, be very happy to interact with them in a platonic manner.
I think it makes sense to be able to acknowledge and appreciate that someone has the qualities you think are romantically/sexually appealing without actually wanting to interact with them in a romantic and sexual way. You might even have crushes on people but not want to start a romantic/sexual relationship with them. A lot of asexual people get into platonic/queerplatonic relationships that don’t include a romantic/sexual element to it.
i just officially came out to one friend as greysexual!! i always told my bestie my thiughts on this and thhat i think i might be on the spectrum but now i finally said I AM greysexual and not i MIGHT be ^^
that’s lovely! 🥳💛 welcome to the aspec community
@@HoneyDaengdej thank you 😭💗
I know this may be a weird question but could a Queer-Platonic be used in a monogamous+heterosexual relationship or does it just apply to homosexual partners?
And I just stumbled upon your channel and it was very informative about who I am and what I’ve been feeling lately with my sexuality, so I thank you for being so comfortable talking about this because it made me much more confident about who I’m becoming as a person.
That’s a great question! I think it could apply to monogamous and heterosexual relationships as well. In general, queerplatonic just refers to a relationship that is deeper in commitment than the average friendship but isn’t necessarily romantic or sexual in nature. Since sexuality and sexual orientation are two separate things some a-spec people can be heterosexual, and maybe they also choose to get into queerplatonic relationships with the agreement of exclusivity (making it monogamous). I hope this helps. I’m so glad to hear that the videos have been helpful for you ☺️
Thank you for this! 🥰 I was wondering if you would feel comfy talking abt one thing regarding your labels. I too identify as grey/demisexual and bisexual, but a lot of videos I’ve watched about the ace spec say you cant be ace and bi. To me this is confusing as being demi/grey I still experience some form of sexual attraction, am I not allowed to decide who that is towards…?😅
You can definitely be on the asexual spectrum and be bisexual. Even if you are fully asexual you can still be bi-romantic. It is valid, and a lot of people are on the ace spectrum while also being gay/bi/pan.. so you’re definitely not alone here. There is a lot of gate keeping within the queer community… I’m assuming that the enforced exclusivity within the ace/gay/lesbian community is from a place of wanting legitimacy.. but it can lead to harmful narratives that invalidate other queer identities that are in the grey (ace spec, bi, pan, non-binary, etc). At the end of the day, only you have the authority to determine what labels work for your personal identity. You’re definitely allowed to decide. (My usual response to people who say that ace people aren’t allowed to be gay/bi is that asexuality is a sexuality and bi/gayness is sexual orientation. They are two separate things.. They can influence each other, but isn’t inherently mutually exclusive 😊)
hello, you are very brave and mature. I do not quite understand some matter. I will ask direct. Does a person in this situation masturbate or have fantasies thinking about someone specific? although later that is difficult to put into practice. Another thing, at a given moment, one day at an hour for whatever reason, could it be that you do have a strong sexual attraction for someone even though they then disappear the same day?
That could be the case since asexuality is a spectrum. What you’re describing sounds like something in the grey-ace (grey-sexual) area. If you’re interested in looking into it more, terms like aceflux (sexual orientation fluctuates along the spectrum beteeen asexual and allosexual) or akoisexual (sexual attraction that fades when reciprocated) might help you. But just like anything else, these words are just here to help us communicate.. so don’t feel any pressure to fit yourself into any identity or label if you don’t think it works for you. There are a lot of different identities and terms under the ace umbrella, it’s definitely worth checking out. I hope this helps (:
@@HoneyDaengdej thanks, i will investigate
It's such a foreign idea to me to think of my sexuality as something to be proud of but I guess everyone needs something🤷🏽♂️
For some it's more about starting to accept themselves with labels and flags. To not feel ashamed of how you have been born. It's not nessessary for everyone to go around and tell everyone what sexuality you have, but some want to express it. Both ways are fine. I mean people also like to dress up in fancy clothes and all, but is fashion just a waste of cloth? Why not all dress the same. I hope you get my logic.
Like fashion fashion is for expressing yourself. So are labels and sexuality. it's there to make people accept themselves.
So I'm trying to figure out if I'm aromantic or greysexual and I have a question. Do or can aromantics and greysexuals still want to have platonic dating relationships? Like as in being a partner with someone but no romantic attraction they just feel close to that person
yes totally! platonic/queerplatonic/alterous (non-romantic/sexual) life partnerships can be very common in the ace/aro community. There are a lot of different forms of intimacy we aces/aros desire that aren’t sexual or romantic in nature, and it makes perfect sense that you’d want to form a relationship and feel those other forms of intimacy and connection with another person
@@HoneyDaengdej alright thanks!!
☺️💛
I wonder what kind of attraction you call it when you get the butterflies for someone? I feel I relate so much to a lot of what you’re saying, and I have only ever really experienced true sexual attraction with one person(current partner). However, I have had the butterflies with many people, almost like the desire to do something sexual is there, but if they actually wanted to have sex it would gross me out, even if I were single. It feels like a massive invasion of my personal space😂
this is a great question! i think it might help if we clarify the differences between sexual desire and sexual attraction. they are separate and you can feel one without experiencing the other. when it comes to asexuality, we are talking about sexual attraction.. which refers to sexual interest towards a specific person(s). meanwhile, sexual desire is a conscious and motivated interest in sex or sexual activity in general. some a-spec people are also sex-repulsed, which means they are asexual and also do not feel sexual desire.
if you are greyace or demi, you might experience some sexual attraction but maybe do not experience sexual desire.. this might lead to being initially attracted, but not having the desire to actually follow through with that initial spark.
the butterflies could also be a different type of attraction that isn’t sexual- romantic, aesthetic, emotional etc… but without sexual desire in general, or sexual attraction towards that person specifically (or both)- you might feel grossed out by the idea of actually being sexually intimate with them.
i hope this helps!
I'm bi-romantic asexual and transgender (he/him), i feel like it'd be tough for me to get a parther in the future. I have so much stuff messing up my life rn alongside transitioning etc, so i'm not even looking for a relationship atm but eh. ✏️✏️✏️✏️
rooting for you to find your person one day when you’re ready 💛
@@HoneyDaengdej thanks :)
Can you be part demisexual? Can you feel visually sexually attracted to someone but not really want to act on it until getting to know them fully for a closer bond that makes the sexual attraction stronger
it’s sounds like as a demisexual person, maybe you are experiencing aesthetic attraction but not sexual attraction until there is a stronger bond? there is also a chance that greysexual as the broader term might fit your experience more. looking into the differences between sexual attraction and desire could also be very helpful. hannah witton made a video about the topic that i found really interesting.
I'm asexual aromatic and demi girl and use she/her and they/them pronouns
welcome to the community 🥳💛
I accidentally read the title too fast and I thought it said "eating asexuals."
haha 😂 the would definitely be a very different video
I have a question, does non asexual people have sexual desires with people they think are attractive or is it with only their partners? I think im an asexual and I have a hard time understanding sexual people and get confused if they have sexual desires with anyone they think is attractive or only have desires with their partners.
I think allosexual (non-ace) people can experience sexual desire towards people they are attracted to without having a committed/romantic/emotional relationship with them. Of course this depends on the person. Sexual desire, attraction, and arousal are three separate things.. and with the ace umbrella we are mainly talking about the capacity for sexual attraction. So this means that it is still possible for one to be ace but still experience the other two (desire/arousal) without attraction… it just depends on the person.
@@HoneyDaengdej tysmm!!
I don't understand myself for me atraction is mostly emotional utractionn not as much physical (a little but definitely not that much as alleo people ) so I don't understand my sexuality
maybe you could be somewhere on the asexual spectrum? a-spec people may still experience other types of attraction- e.g. emotional, sensual, aesthetic, etc.. and not experience sexual attraction like allosexual people do.
Wait can I be asexual and greyromantic or something like that right?
yes you can! a lot of people are on both the asexual and aromatic spectrum
@@HoneyDaengdej ohhh thank you so much
does autosexual exist on/within this spectrum?
I would say so, I think autosexuality is part of the asexual spectrum in the same way that demisexuality is part of the ace umbrella. They are both somewhere in the grey-sexual area between asexual and allosexual.
Honey Daengdej Awesome! That’s how I was thinking of it too! Thanks (:
Nope only autobots 😂😂😂😂
Some. Asexual people are just have sex trauma so beware there might be a different
it is true that some people may be sex repulsed due to sexual abuse/harassment… but some asexual people experience sexual harassment/abuse too. on top of that, their asexuality may be what got them targeted and made them susceptible to the traumatic experience in the first place. it is important to remember that sexual trauma doesn’t invalidate someone’s sexuality… and it is important for us to have empathy for the fact that their journey to figuring out their sexuality and sexual orientation might have been very difficult because of the abuse/harassment they experienced
Folks, this is analysis paralysis. When you are with somebody, you are in a relationship. Period. All these extra terms are meaningless because they mean something different to each person.
I agree, it is definitely not a requirement for everyone. unnecessary over analysis is exhausting and there is a point of diminishing returns when it comes to introspection. I am definitely prone to over analyzing things myself 😅 but these terms definitely helped me communicate and build healthy boundaries with my non-ace partners. A lot of people are able to naturally communicate and build relationships without having to do the extra internal reflection. but for some, it can really help to have the vocabulary to communicate their needs… and for some others.. maybe they’ve spent a lot of time on autopilot with internalized ace-erasure or compulsory sexuality that they need to take some time to figure out what their actual comfort levels and desires even are (without the influence of what they’ve been taught is “normal” or “expected”)
Personally, I don't like how platonic relationships sometimes seem to be downplayed because of some of the terms (like queerplatonic).
But Honey here talked about this topic in a very respectful manner, using the words such as "usually" or "average", which I appreciate.