I think our advantage as FA partner is that we are very loyal, committed and engaged in relationships from the moment we pass the insecure phase (it can take some years), we stop trying to run away from the relationship, we start to feel comfortable and love our life with our partner with all the goods and the bads, and we turn from being avoidant to being more anxious because we appreciate what we have. But its not like everything turn into heaven, we can get deactivated and leave if the partner will play shit on us, it will take more time than how much it took at start tho
Spot on. I've recently come to realize not everyone thinks much deeply abt things or wants to dig beyond the surface.. before, I thought everyone does.
I resonate with this. I always thought that digging deep into words, phrases, interactions, relationships is normal. Then I realised that it's not really the case for everyone.
I love that you advocate for us because a lot of people try to label certain personalities as unworthy of love because of their damage but some people go well with other people
This is so true.... FA's have a lot of self awareness and because of that we can go down the rabbit hole of research. The research can be quite damning and reinforce our feelings of worthlessness
This video is so important to me. As you said fearful avoidants are so hard on themselves already, even without all of the negative stereotypes. You're an angel for making this.
Thank you Pauline. My love is of a FA attachment style. I have watched many of your videos of late. I am the atrong confident secure ( yes I have my defensiveness wounds) man. My love is so grateful that I make the effort to learn to understand her what makes her tick so that I can accept her as she is to love her more. I have a notebook for what I learn. I translate that into an Operating guide of Jennifer for Bruce 😊. She can confirm or correct it so thst I have understood and agreed guidelines. This shows her that Bruce knows and cares, she better knows herself and has the security to know the dynamics. She has her keys of Safety and Trust. She has all safety trust security. I'll tell ya it is working so that she is growing at a rate not thought possible. We are growing so close so in love. Thank you Pauline❤
You don't know how much this video means to me. I've been realizing my unhealthy patterns and trying to improve, in all this, I start feeling unworthy. This video made me cry and realize that hey I am not all that bad. :")
Thank you so much for making this video. In one of her videos, Heidi Priebe talks about a “Ball of Pureness” in describing those who are Fearful-Avoidant. Those who have a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style are good people - exceptionally good people. It hurts me to have seen, and to hear from you, how little they appreciate just how good they are. I can’t thank you enough for giving them a small glimpse of how good they, actually, are!
This channel is an absolute blessing. I never knew being an FA had so many positives.. def described how i am i just never really understood it up until now thank you, I’m binge watching all of your video on FA as we speak lol
this has been the most beautiful, soothing and healing thing to hear in a while... I have also pinpointed the last point for myself over the past couple of months but haven't been able to put words to it and how to solve the feeling inside. feeling sad and full of justice (which borderlines being resentful) that I have always been there for others in a deep way, knowing exactly what they need to get better.. but nobody has been doing that for me. I guess looking for it in a partner but that is unfair and nobody (besides us FAs haha ;P) can read minds... the answer is to figure out my needs and how to communicate them - I'll be on that journey now 🙏
We are our own worst enemy. Fortunately, we also can be our best mate. We realize our value, we are priceless. Once we allow people into our thought processes, we asee how few can remain bc of teh complexity of seeing the bigger picture. A term we can use rather than fearful is cautious, that's how we survived. We recognized that the people closest to us were or are unable to provide what we desire.
You described so well the resentment of why do I can take care of others but no one takes care of me.. unfortunately I am very stuck on this idea and unable to discern sometimes when what I am asking for is reasonable and when its not.. answer is usually somewhere in the middle but when I realise I asked for too much I go into a shame circle.. I am doing your program, currently on module 2. Hoping to heal one day.
I'm triggered right now in my relationship (again) and am consciously exploring the fearful avoidant style. I am so thankful Paulien for your videos. I'm watching them every day, they're helping me to deepen my understanding and growth and enabling me to have space and awareness. Listening to this one, I'm so moved as I resonate with it and it feels like a gift to be able to recognise myself within it. Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you. I really needed this. Been beating myself up for all the faults, so it is nice to hear good things, as I it hard see them myself. Thank you. These features resonate so whats with what I am.
Dear Paulien, Can you make a video about panic and fear? My FA boyfriend had one panic attack last week because of opening his heart to me and instantly, I feared I did something wrong and I never want to hurt him again. Like I caused it. But now after some time passed, I think panic attacks may be part of the healing process and can be normal, like: it gets worse before it gets better. 🤔
Thanks for lifting us up. I've been single for seven years. However, I know I'm a great partner when I'm in a relationship but the dating world doesn't accept me. It's hard finding a lover.
It's cool to be able to tune in and understand a partners needs and this for me has given me so much, despite the roots of where this comes from. Learning and adapting is key to healing and understanding that our gifts are not used to heal others as being an unpaid therapist is draining 🤣🤣 good video.
Dating has been hard lately. I've healed a lot but most of the people I meet haven't so it's throwing me back down some old rabbit holes. This is exactly what I needed to hear now. I won't be deficient as a partner when I finally meet that person.
Thanks for this! Sometimes I think that I’m not giving enough emotionally because of my FA tendencies, even though my partner tells me that I’m doing a great job. Sometimes I compare with how love should be given but slowly by letting go of what love has to look like and just go w it, I slowly start forgiving myself and learn to love my partner more better. Thanks for this vid! If anyone here has FA tendencies, just know you’re a fantastic person. You’re aware of your habits and you’re trying your best to love not only the person next to you but yourself as well!
Is it normal for a fearful avoidant to feel better or more worthy than the other one? Its like having yourself on a pedestal even though you're actually not that kind of person. It makes me feel horrible at times
Yeah they talk about this in the program. I think seeing yourself as above or below people is often kind of a way for FAs to protect/distance themselves from connection with others. It took me a while to even see that in myself. I think it's admirable that you recognized that on your own
One example is that we started a gratitude ritual during dinner time, mentioning three things we are grateful for. Or the Dreams and goals marathon, where me and my husband take three whole days between christmas and new years to reflect on the past year, dream about the new year and write out our goals!
Is there any way for a fearful avoidant to start healing while they are still being traumatized emotionally and physically? How does a young person begin to overcome this trauma and accept love?
A *healed* FA might make an incredible partner but my ex was an unhealed FA (I believe) and I can't say that she was an incredible partner after she suddenly ejected and left my heart shattered. Kinda left a bad taste in my mouth for FAs.
Well yes, an unhealed FA has amazing traits, but the pain and trauma makes it hard to see those consistently. That's why I'm making the clear distinction between healed and unhealed :) I'm sorry you went through that.
Could you please also make a video about arrogant behaviour of FAs. Why can they talk in suc a negative way about other people (too fat, too lazy, too stupid,...). It leaves the impression that they feel superior, which to me is a contradiction to them feeling not good enough.
Is it common to experience anxiety merely by trying to inform yourself about this attachment style? I found your channel earlier this week and have tried to immerse myself in learning all this, but after 10 minutes I feel uncomfortable and watch something else
How can a partner who has been shut out and only getting minimal texts make things better? I feel like I’m constantly trying and getting nothing in return.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
I think our advantage as FA partner is that we are very loyal, committed and engaged in relationships from the moment we pass the insecure phase (it can take some years), we stop trying to run away from the relationship, we start to feel comfortable and love our life with our partner with all the goods and the bads, and we turn from being avoidant to being more anxious because we appreciate what we have.
But its not like everything turn into heaven, we can get deactivated and leave if the partner will play shit on us, it will take more time than how much it took at start tho
I'm sewing that in My Jennifer. Ahe knows ahe is safe secure can trust be accepted. That is what she needed to blossom beyond amazing😊😊
Spot on. I've recently come to realize not everyone thinks much deeply abt things or wants to dig beyond the surface.. before, I thought everyone does.
I resonate with this. I always thought that digging deep into words, phrases, interactions, relationships is normal. Then I realised that it's not really the case for everyone.
I love that you advocate for us because a lot of people try to label certain personalities as unworthy of love because of their damage but some people go well with other people
This is so true.... FA's have a lot of self awareness and because of that we can go down the rabbit hole of research. The research can be quite damning and reinforce our feelings of worthlessness
This video is so important to me. As you said fearful avoidants are so hard on themselves already, even without all of the negative stereotypes. You're an angel for making this.
Thank you Pauline. My love is of a FA attachment style. I have watched many of your videos of late. I am the atrong confident secure ( yes I have my defensiveness wounds) man. My love is so grateful that I make the effort to learn to understand her what makes her tick so that I can accept her as she is to love her more.
I have a notebook for what I learn. I translate that into an Operating guide of Jennifer for Bruce 😊. She can confirm or correct it so thst I have understood and agreed
guidelines. This shows her that Bruce knows and cares, she better knows herself and has the security to know the dynamics. She has her keys of Safety and
Trust. She has all safety trust security.
I'll tell ya it is
working so that she is growing at a rate not thought possible. We are growing so close so in love. Thank you Pauline❤
omg i think no youtube channel understood me like this...im watching every vid and its exactly me....and it's all clicking in my head thank u so much
You don't know how much this video means to me. I've been realizing my unhealthy patterns and trying to improve, in all this, I start feeling unworthy. This video made me cry and realize that hey I am not all that bad. :")
Thank you so much for making this video. In one of her videos, Heidi Priebe talks about a “Ball of Pureness” in describing those who are Fearful-Avoidant. Those who have a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style are good people - exceptionally good people. It hurts me to have seen, and to hear from you, how little they appreciate just how good they are. I can’t thank you enough for giving them a small glimpse of how good they, actually, are!
It was valuable I always believed my ability to read people has been great even as a child.
This channel is an absolute blessing. I never knew being an FA had so many positives.. def described how i am i just never really understood it up until now thank you, I’m binge watching all of your video on FA as we speak lol
You do. People can't see it unless they look close, and YOU choose to let them 😊
this has been the most beautiful, soothing and healing thing to hear in a while... I have also pinpointed the last point for myself over the past couple of months but haven't been able to put words to it and how to solve the feeling inside. feeling sad and full of justice (which borderlines being resentful) that I have always been there for others in a deep way, knowing exactly what they need to get better.. but nobody has been doing that for me. I guess looking for it in a partner but that is unfair and nobody (besides us FAs haha ;P) can read minds... the answer is to figure out my needs and how to communicate them - I'll be on that journey now 🙏
We are our own worst enemy. Fortunately, we also can be our best mate. We realize our value, we are priceless. Once we allow people into our thought processes, we asee how few can remain bc of teh complexity of seeing the bigger picture.
A term we can use rather than fearful is cautious, that's how we survived. We recognized that the people closest to us were or are unable to provide what we desire.
You described so well the resentment of why do I can take care of others but no one takes care of me.. unfortunately I am very stuck on this idea and unable to discern sometimes when what I am asking for is reasonable and when its not.. answer is usually somewhere in the middle but when I realise I asked for too much I go into a shame circle.. I am doing your program, currently on module 2. Hoping to heal one day.
I'm triggered right now in my relationship (again) and am consciously exploring the fearful avoidant style. I am so thankful Paulien for your videos. I'm watching them every day, they're helping me to deepen my understanding and growth and enabling me to have space and awareness. Listening to this one, I'm so moved as I resonate with it and it feels like a gift to be able to recognise myself within it. Thank you, thank you, thank you
Thank you. I really needed this. Been beating myself up for all the faults, so it is nice to hear good things, as I it hard see them myself. Thank you. These features resonate so whats with what I am.
I literally feel like crying... I needed to hear that. thank you so much Paulien!
Dear Paulien,
Can you make a video about panic and fear? My FA boyfriend had one panic attack last week because of opening his heart to me and instantly, I feared I did something wrong and I never want to hurt him again. Like I caused it. But now after some time passed, I think panic attacks may be part of the healing process and can be normal, like: it gets worse before it gets better. 🤔
Thanks for lifting us up. I've been single for seven years. However, I know I'm a great partner when I'm in a relationship but the dating world doesn't accept me. It's hard finding a lover.
It's cool to be able to tune in and understand a partners needs and this for me has given me so much, despite the roots of where this comes from. Learning and adapting is key to healing and understanding that our gifts are not used to heal others as being an unpaid therapist is draining 🤣🤣 good video.
Okay this was strangely positive
You are m'y safe Space those days to understand myself, ther FA part of myself. That is soooo calming to me and give me a lot of hope❤ Thank you :)))
Dating has been hard lately. I've healed a lot but most of the people I meet haven't so it's throwing me back down some old rabbit holes. This is exactly what I needed to hear now. I won't be deficient as a partner when I finally meet that person.
Thanks for this! Sometimes I think that I’m not giving enough emotionally because of my FA tendencies, even though my partner tells me that I’m doing a great job. Sometimes I compare with how love should be given but slowly by letting go of what love has to look like and just go w it, I slowly start forgiving myself and learn to love my partner more better. Thanks for this vid!
If anyone here has FA tendencies, just know you’re a fantastic person. You’re aware of your habits and you’re trying your best to love not only the person next to you but yourself as well!
Thank you for the lovely comment!!
I'd love to see the potential video you mentioned about seeing magic and how it fits in with having lived through trauma!
I think you mean this one: ruclips.net/video/Y-y8O1Ii_3I/видео.html&pp=ygUaZmVhcmZ1bCBhdm9pZGFudCBnaWZ0cyBvZiA%3D
Thank you, this video is deeply healing and validating. Thank you for your amazing work.
thank you ! this is good input in this hard self study
Is it normal for a fearful avoidant to feel better or more worthy than the other one? Its like having yourself on a pedestal even though you're actually not that kind of person. It makes me feel horrible at times
Yeah they talk about this in the program. I think seeing yourself as above or below people is often kind of a way for FAs to protect/distance themselves from connection with others. It took me a while to even see that in myself. I think it's admirable that you recognized that on your own
I needed to hear this today, Pauline, 🙏🏻
Really spot on!!
Thanks that's refreshing ☺ during healing 😭
Thank you this was very useful!
Really wanted to hear this!
you are to be loved ❤
You’re so beautiful and insightful, thank you for this ❤
I'd like to see the video about magic view of the world
Thanks, I will look into this!
Thank you so much, Paulien ♥
can you give an example of a ritual? or what you mean by that
One example is that we started a gratitude ritual during dinner time, mentioning three things we are grateful for. Or the Dreams and goals marathon, where me and my husband take three whole days between christmas and new years to reflect on the past year, dream about the new year and write out our goals!
I LOVE U❤
Is there any way for a fearful avoidant to start healing while they are still being traumatized emotionally and physically? How does a young person begin to overcome this trauma and accept love?
I am sorry you are going to a difficult time. Healing is always possible, but its important for yourself to be in safe environment!
A *healed* FA might make an incredible partner but my ex was an unhealed FA (I believe) and I can't say that she was an incredible partner after she suddenly ejected and left my heart shattered. Kinda left a bad taste in my mouth for FAs.
Well yes, an unhealed FA has amazing traits, but the pain and trauma makes it hard to see those consistently. That's why I'm making the clear distinction between healed and unhealed :) I'm sorry you went through that.
Could you please also make a video about arrogant behaviour of FAs. Why can they talk in suc a negative way about other people (too fat, too lazy, too stupid,...). It leaves the impression that they feel superior, which to me is a contradiction to them feeling not good enough.
Is it common to experience anxiety merely by trying to inform yourself about this attachment style? I found your channel earlier this week and have tried to immerse myself in learning all this, but after 10 minutes I feel uncomfortable and watch something else
Maybe that's the avoidant style in you lol I get it though
Omggg I had it tooo I believe it’s cause it’s making us look deep into ourselves
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
😪
How can a partner who has been shut out and only getting minimal texts make things better? I feel like I’m constantly trying and getting nothing in return.