Yes exactly, it's like gaslighting, I'm second guessing what I see in front of me because I'm worried I'm being too judgmental or harsh or just reading it wrong.
So very true. I thought I had found a gem at first but in time, I realized what a narcissist my ex girlfriend was. Since she left, people tell me my energy has returned. I’m much happier without her.
I HAVE watched 150 videos in a row 😂~”why are YOU there”,,,perfectly said Susan Winter 👏 I was widowed, lonely, & ended up dating 4 narcissists in a row. The heartbreak & confusion was overwhelming. Your videos have been such a gift by giving me wisdom, hope & humor during that hellish, confusing time. Fast forward I met a one in a million man. They are still out there, please whoever is reading this never give up❤
Loneliness is very powerful, and it causes us to settle for people that we should most definitely avoid. When minutes feel like hours, waiting for the right person to come along feels like eternity, and loneliness gets traded for misery.
If you grew up seeking validation never knew your own value... worked extremely hard for love and attention to be seen or heard...you are perfect for the narcassitic personality..once spiritually awakened it's over!!!!
It's very strange. I kinda became very self aware after I looked into my now EX boyfriend's issues (collapsed Narcissist he is and very toxic) Well.. I am actually very narcissistic too. How convenient xD Not NPD but I am strong in narcissism if that makes sense? I like to take pictures of myself and I feel above most people
The point is: lack of self-love. The pattern is: the narc adores himself and hates the partner, the codependent adores the narc and hates herself! Here we go... As soon as we begin to love ourselves, we'll be able to spot narcs at the first sight and even better never attract narcissists again. Narcs know where they can settle, they never choose confident and self-loving partners! Thanks Susan, that's such an important video! 🤗
But my ex narc seems to have attracted a very confident and self-loving partner this time,who he is married to and is enjoying his life travelling all across the world.
Life lessons as follows. 1. A leopard does not change it's spots. 2. I am no match for addictions alcoholism or mental disorders. You will always be dealing with the malady, never the person. 3. It's easier to raise a child then a man or a woman. 4. The way they treat you is not necessarily personal, they likely treat most people that way.
You cannot change them. You cannot reason with them. And for sure do it try to argue with them or correct them. No need to be right; let it go. Don’t get hooked. Observe. Don’t absorb.
Incorrect Lee Roy. Narcissism along with psychopathy and other antisocial personality disorders cannot be ' cured'. That is the current synopsis from academic/medical psychology associations the world over. You clearly have no awareness of the facts around this topic.
Journaling really helped me ... writing... I also wrote a ton to the narcissists, not caring what they'd think about me. I used their mail box as a garbage can, like they used me. I found out I was attracted to them because of my parents. Once you decode your relationship patterns / identify why you're attracted to people that are bad for your mental health, the spell is broken. But you need to find your own personal wound and inner magnet to really understand it. Before then what people like I write or tell you is just abstract "bla bla". You need to (re-)connect to Spirit and Self-Love ... and then you need to change your mental landscape, to reprogram yourself. It's actually very simple and you can let all that pain go and save a ton of time and energy.
You are 1000000% accurate! I realized I did not love and accept myself. I accepted abuse, adultery, neglect and abandonment from the Narcissist, due to my insecurities. My divorce will be finalized after 22 years of marriage from the Narcissist next month 😄.
So instead of working (with therapy) on your own insecurities - and doing marriage counseling with "the Narcissist" (I assume your husband)... you just up and divorced after all those years? And that makes you happy? I think you are disgusting... just as much as the Narcissist!
Lee Roy Lee Roy Wow. What empathy huh? You read one paragraph about someone and call them disgusting. You seem bothered by her happiness, I can’t help wondering why.
Lee Roy It is impossible for you to know what effort she put forth to try and save the marriage. I went to marriage counseling with my ex husband and all it turned out to be was a stage for him to gaslight and blame. I walked out of the first session.
it's an inner child unfinished business with our care givers so we can win them over again or prove them wrong and we can be loved entirely finally we gravitated to what once was familiar it's all done unconsciously ... thanks Susan
@@sofialora7896 you feel feelings of anxiety and stress and panic ...unpredictably with a narc. Same as you experienced growing up but did not heal. The narc brings all those feelings back up as a spiritual teacher and you can thank them and walk away. Now it's time to awaken and live the life that was held back by disconnected emotions.
The most empowering comment in this video is when you say ‘you are the host and they are the parasite - without you they cannot feed’. That turned it around for me right there and gave me back control. It is my mother that is the Narcissist. It’s not easy to walk away from that relationship. Brilliant video Susan. ‘Jumping to the end question’ as you put it is all that is needed. 😍
In my case, it is also my mother. She is 84 now, and I am 64. Very tough situation, but she is too old now for me to try to break bonds. I won't hurt her at this age in her life.
Deborah Griffin I totally understand your position. My father died a couple of months ago forcing me into my mother’s life and her’s into mine. A game changer I just didn’t need. Now I’m working on the principal of trying not to resist what is my reality as resistance creates pain. A cross to bear... wish you well with your situation my friend.
I walked away from my narc mother and 2 narc brothers. You can do it too. I had to save myself, no one else was going to do it. Til this day 3 years later in still scapegoated. Their so irresponsible.
"Why you" is exactly right. Are you co-dependant? Those are the ones the the narcs want. Thing is people are confused on what a narc is. It's not someone who posts selfies all over social media. And then there are those with an avoidant attachment type or emotionally unavailable. It all begins with us just like you said.
OK, two years later, I still keep attracting them, I still get emotional because of it, but it has way less impact on me than before. And also, they cannot play me anymore. So they lose their interest quickly. So the emotions are only some remnants from the past and I am feeling I am almost out of this. The chains are breaking.
LOVE your stuff Susan and would like to give my two cents on narcissists. The thing is, they ARE actually very attractive and, believe me, there ARE people who will put up with their crap. Why? It turns out they are incredibly charming. As you so well describe it, narcissists literally feed on the validation you give them and that is why they are so good at getting the best of you. I've been there, done that, got the shirt and BURNED it. Often times, a narcissist makes us suffer because we allow ourselves to put these people on a pedestal. They go around charming others with their confidence and their "high self-esteem". It's a mirage. They have core issues that are unsolved and sucking out energy from others is their form of escapism (though in reality they are trapped in this vicious cycle of feeling misunderstood by people because they don't show who they really are but are too insecure to be real in the first place). So what to do? LIVE A LIFE THAT EXCITES YOU. Mingle with people outside your circle of friends, travel abroad, make plans for yourself, have adventures. Live the life that you want and the right person will eventually hop in effortlessly, BUT, if no one comes along you will still have so much to look forward to: a life that is your own. Ladies, you are not the problem, you are the solution so go out there and be the light the world needs. XOXO
Right! I studied this person for ...a long time, I should have spent that time on me. Study enough to know the characteristics, study what is abuse, draw a line in the sand or a date to cease pondering that person and just opt out. Know/learn how to control your thoughts and give this person less and less of your mental real estate. They are here to teach you about yourself or waste your time. You choose which one is worth your time. I've been through this. Best way to forget them is to do the inner work to be a full cup. You will attract another full cup and the ex narc will fade into insignificance where they belong. This is my story. God bless.
The "cure" is Self-Love. It's giving ourselves what we didn't get and what we are seeking from others. It ALL starts and ends w/ us. Narcs are mirrors to our shadow selves I feel. They bring out the worst in us, our childhood trauma, issues, insecurities and they leave us feeling dead inside. We then w/ time, understanding, compassion for ourselves and "self" love have to find the strength w/ in to *RISE UP like a Phoenix* rising and fly free again. There is beauty in the ashes I've found but first we MUST put out the fires...only with Love n acceptance of what is. 🌬🙏🏻💗🙂✨✌🏻
It’s an addiction - addiction is rooted very much in a deep wound. The narcissist is extremely addictive . That’s why you can’t stop thinking of them . It’s true the only way to remove the desire for the poison is to go with in partner with yourself on a level you never have before. Extreme self love is your only weapon . And that’s is ultimately why you have attracted the narcissist- to mirror back to you all the holes you have in your armor - to mirror back to you what it is you must to do to truly heal and love you. But you must fiercely do the work . When a narcissist enters your life it’s a fight for your soul. It’s a fight for yourself. And only you can fight the good fight . You don’t get brought down to hell for no reason. The narcissist is there to help you purge the darkness in you - and only a devil can bring out the demons in you . That is why you have attracted the narcissist. Once you realize this you will know that healing yourself is all that matters .
I second the motion with trauma bond. It takes time and effort to be back with ourselves and hope for the best we will not feel love or hatred for this creatures. Nothing but indifference. I hope we will heal from this. Be patient with yourself. ♥️
2 weeks no contact some tough days tough nights but this video sums it up thank you this is absolutely ridiculous and I pray nobody has to go through this garbage and bull again
I've discovered my patterns, have been doing inner child work, have spotted the Narcissistic/Hot- Cold patterns in men I've dated and quickly broken things off, but how do I stop attracting them in the first place? If I'm not attracting an emotionally unavailable man, I'm not attracting anyone...???This only covers," Why are you with the person, not why is this the only type you apparently CAN attract?" I think I'm starting to become avoidant myself because this dynamic freaks me out so much!
Susan, you are absolutely right. My ex-girlfriend (it was not a romantic relationship, we were best friends since university) is a narcissist. After many years of trying to help her out of it, I had to break off all contact, it was so detrimental. There is no hope for change, ever, because the narcissist does not want to change. I learned it the hard way.
Love you Susan!! I just moved out of a 20yr marriage with a narcissist. And you are spot on! I think it will take a few years to unravel the mind games I've been through but I'm looking forward to a drama free life. I fear the pattern like its the plague.
Right there with you! Struggled the last 8-10yrs trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why she treated me the way she did. Finally woke up after 20yrs and realized I was letting her do this to me, so I walked and couldn’t be happier and feel more alive and aware
@@kevinwilliams5651 Hi Kevin, I am so with you on what you have been through, I have woken up from the same treatment you have been receiving. You can't see it at first, that old adage Love is blind come's to mind, in the end like you I woke up and realised I had a choice and life that I wanted to be happy in living. Like you I feel absolutely like a massive black cloud has gone to be replaced by enlightenment. I had been putting up with her behavior for the last 7/8 year's, there is no pleasing them they will never change and they will destroy you in the process, it feeds their ego. I wish you all the best stay strong, onwards and upwards, sorry did Buzz Lightyear say that lol, kind regards Nigel.
Nigel Cyril and Kevin. Amen brothers! Exact same story. Week to week, month to month, year to year....the goal post is constantly changing. Until you figure out what the hell is going on, you stay in the game, exhausted but still willing to fight for your family. Until one day.....you don’t. That’s when you start the real journey of awakening. It’s a long, tough slog but oh so worth the pain. No one will EVER understand what it’s like unless they’ve lived it and belong to the club. Cheers to you both!
So right. You've cut to the chase here and said that a lot of us who are with narcs focus on them, them, them. There comes a time to just accept that it isn't healthy, examine our own motivation, and move on. Thank you Susan. Best advice ever.
Thank you so much Susan🙏❤️ I was one year in a relationship with a narcissist and did everything to find out how to help him. But as you said, unfortunately we are not able to do it. Their lack of empathy attract the people who can give them attention which they build their image on. They are attracting sensitive and emphatetic people who have problems to put the barriers and limits and protect themselves. They are the easiest target. I tried to break up three time with the narcissist, but could not resist to 'help him' when he was coming back. In the end I found the way how to get out of this toxic relationship. The way was to do what he was feared about and in the end he was the one that walked away. Only when they take this decision to leave you, there is a great chance they will not to try to come back. Since the moment he disappeared from my life I feel full of energy and strength. I know I have a lot to offer, but only to the person who will know how to appreciate it. Wish you all luck in breaking the chains if you are in any kind of abusing relationship.
Hi guys🤗👋 you asked me what did I do to finish that relationship with a narcissist. They love to be in the center of attention as you all know. I've realised it the most during my birthday, when my ex showed up like a star and was dancing among my friends taking selfies on the dance floor. Everyone was nice to me that day and didn't say anything and I also didn't react to his behavior. The day after I met my friends at work and they all said that he just didn't care about me at all. Like if the party was organized for him... I realised that he was not able to love me, as he was so busy being in love in himself... Of course it's just a surface. Narcissist's core is not only what it shows on the outside. They are full of fears and the biggest one is to loose the attention and their suppliers. I knew that this relationship was toxic, but still it was hard to change and put the limits. But I managed to change my behavior towards him. I was still nice and caring, but telling 'no' much more often. He was never in the center of attention anymore and that was driving him crazy. In the end he got bored, as I was not giving him the things he needed. Was it hard for me? Defenitely. You asked me how am I doing now. I was trying to follow Susan's advices and tell the men I am dating from the begging what my relationship goals are. I was talking a lot with my friend from work about wanting to have family and kids. In the end we found out that we wanted the same and gave ourself a chance. I feel loved, respected and appreciated. So in the end it was worth to finish the toxic bound and open up for a real connection. Wish you all the best of luck!!!
It's so true. When I had to work in two different countries for a few months each time (no friends/family near by, feeling more emotionally fragile) I unfortunately attracted narcissistic guys (one paramedic, a few years later a policeman) It was very damaging but the pattern was there . Now, again in my country, that more "fragile/lonely" energy is gone, no possibility to attract those type of guys again. They really feed on more fragile, empaths, good ladies. (Sorry my English, I'm from Europe, but this video is spot on). Reinforce your energy, confidence, healthy family&friends relationships and they loose interest in you and vice versa! 🌟👍👏
A narcissist seeks out nice people who are looking for long term love. If you are a nice person looking for love then you might be there for the taking.
When I was in recovery this youtuber said: "What was it about me that was so fucked up, that made me think that you were ever a good idea". This was the beginning for me to start release that I played a major part in this.
I’m a therapist and this is exactly what I ask friends or clients when they talk about narcissistic partners - What keeps you in the relationship? Like Susan, in my previous relationships, I’ve focused on the other person as the problem when they display traits of self involvement... but eventually you have to accept there’s a reason you indulge in this pattern. If I had a £1 or $1 for the clients that wanted the narcissist to change... you can only change yourself :)
Paul-Lee Woodhouse... YOU are a therapist? Your profile picture makes you look about 15. Also, you talk about "previous relationships". How come so many "life coaches" and "therapists" go through so many (multiple) relationships? Most were never married... or divorced multiple times. And REAL psychological research (and thousands of case histories) show that narcissists can change (and BTW, REAL narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is exceptionally rare. Narcissism is just a term, a label that people who aren't really experts on the topic just love to throw about to "explain" things - things that they have no idea of what they are really talking about. I suggest you (both of you) pick up some issues of Psychology Today and read up on NPD... and meanwhile STAY AWAY from RUclips.
Susan, you just made me cry! 😭😭😭 God knows I needed someone to tell it to my face. So I could stop hoping and wishing for the ex narc to come back and be that person at the love bombing stage even I know I’d get only crumbs of attention and get back to toxicity. I wish to cut all ties with trauma bond. Your questions are spot on! I gave thoughts of it and conclude I’m better off without him. It’s the new supply’s problem now! I stopped looking. This video resonates to me in so much level! Thank you so much!🙏
Susan - as always, you are absolutely right. We tend to research the HELL out of why THEY do what they do and it's great to have a basic understanding BUT the only person we can control is ourselves and as you said, the issue really is what is it about us that attracts these people or why are we attracted to them. Once you crack that nut, you're good to go. GREAT VIDEO!
Why you? I'll try to explain: If you've learned from earliest as a child the hard way, among which: that you always had to EARN love. Then it's very difficult to be attracted to people who GIVE love. Still Susan, without books, therapy or instructive youtube channels and all the knowledge gained really, I would never have come this far. Narcissism is such a filthy awful form of abuse, and so dark and behind the scenes, you barely see how you are gradually destroyed, at least if you had 'the privilege' to been raised by two..
Thank you Susan. I do agree on 100 % with you. There is a French author, Laurent Gounelle, who has written: "You know, you cant't change people, you can only show them a way and inspire they to go on it". Our responsability is to be well... with ourself. As you canot change the other, and you're not allowed to try this... you have to find a new energy to solve the problem, in yourself. Find a project which makes sense for you. The Narc has shown you what you have to work in your-Self, in order to become Self-realized... it's not always simple, but it is effective in a long term view... Enjoy your day, your life in consciousness.
Ok there are mainstream videos about narcissism that make narcissists out to be like evil super villains. Then there are really good psychoanalytic videos that get under the hood of the psychopathology. Finally there is this video, which is unique among all, in that it provides the only answer one would ever need.
It took me some time, to realise that i was dealing with a narcist. So many times i was thinking that i did something wrong. Until i saw video's about narcissits. It open my eyes, and i left him! Yes i did!!!! :) It's a last from my shoulder, and i have no intensions to get him back! I don't want a life anymore, with always thinking that i do the things wrong. I didn't do that....he's to blame! That knowing, makes that i'm feeling free. And i really enjoy that! A good man, who can change that, for this moment! xxx
Grate video! I'm a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and I can tell you did clarify very well such a difficult topic! You are such a good professional, thanks for sharing. Best regards from Spain.
You are a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and you do NOT know the difference between "grate" and "great" Hoo-boy! I am glad that I do not live in Spain and need therapy.
Spot on, Susan! For me the biggest break through after almost 2 years of healing via educating myself on RUclips channels about narcissistic abuse from various amazing people full of life saving information was that there are people who are immune to narcissists and their attempts to abuse them or get any form of emotional reaction or narcissistic supply from them. That was an eye opener for me! I always used to be a target, I was always picked by a narc, I was an easy prey, because of the way I was brought up, codependent and abused by a narc myself. I was a school book example of a codependent, people pleasing empath and I didn't even know about it until my late 30's!!! And every narc worth their salt sensed that immediately or after exchanging a small talk chit chat with you. Those narc-immune people have a certain emotional and mental predisposition in themselves that they are simply not reactive when exposed directly to a narcissists doings and schemes and narcs sense that and they cease all their efforts very early on or they even can tell those mentally strong non-codependent people even when they enter a room and know it is useless to even try with those types of people, so the narcs naturally avoid them all together. As oppose to immediately singling out the empaths and codependents in a crowd that they can exploit for their supply. You must want to try and be like those narc-immune people. The no. 1 trait of those people is they are NOT codependent! Poof! Mind blowing, right!? Well, DUH! :))) No. 2 is they are all those "selfs" that empaths are only learning to become slowly, because they were deprived of them as children or stripped of them in an abusive relationship(s): self reliant, self loving, self partnered, ... etc. But as Susan says, it takes averting look from all the narcs and toxic people outside of you that are making your life miserable and take a deep good look at you, why did you attract in the first place and if they looked you up , then why are they still exploiting you and are not letting go?! Hard questions that should set you off on a journey of knowing yourself first and taking care of yourself, and maybe a therapy.
You just described my past relationship. A true parasite...he run to a host who could provide. For me it got to the point that even a thought of meeting him made me aggravated but I stayed 2 years because he was my last chance to get married. I am 42, the clock is ticking....thank you, after all I made a right choice to leave him
Monika You’re already on your own wise path, which is often unsupported with all the pressure for motherhood. Here’s to self-birth too! I‘m sure you’ll thrive! 💫
This is so very true. The only way to deal with a Narcisist is to get out, then do the hard task of looking at why you attracted him or her and why you put up with them. In my case: my mother was a covert narcissist. I didn't know anything else. But I want to add. Narcissism is a spectrum and some narcissists do have some insight in their own inability to have empathy. They just don't know how to stop being the way they are. Sometimes the mask slips and you see it. You see the pain. They are tortured souls. I believe my husband of 20 years loved me and still does. He just did not know how to "do" love. I had to leave for my own emotional and spiritual survival but I will never demonize him. You have to get past the hurt and anger. You have to see that Narcissists are human beings, very flawed human beings but not monsters.
Id be rich if everyone paid $1 each time they ask why they keep attracting narc. Its always back to our self. Each relationship we have is mirror reflection who u are inside . And It will keep repeating similiar recycled pattern with different person , its show us the inner works need to be deal heal and seal. If we finish completely heal and able to forgive them the new us will attract better people come into our life. Thanks susan 😉 it take times to learn and heal but it worth to do the job.its been a wonderful journey of healing.
For the second time your video hits the mark for what's happening in my life. I just broke up with him a few days ago because I just couldn't stand being in that miserable state of mind anymore, I tried to step away slowly and of course it wasn't working until I cut, broke and burn the dang plug!!! Thank you for the video, it assured me of the decisions needed to be done, XOXO. PS. I watch you from Mexico.
I’ve been there and it’s so easy to see ... after the fact ... after you’re no longer with them. But it can take a long time because they are so good at what they do. My heart hurts for anyone in this type of relationship. Understand it is only a matter of time before you are brought to your knees. Then it’ll be time to seek therapy and begin travelling the slow and painful road to recovery. But you can do it!!! Do NOT let this person ruin your life!!! With time, perseverance and help, you can become even stronger than before you met this person. Love to you ♥️
I was in that boat. I was alone and grieving the loss of my husband and bingo who shows up the narcissist. Well I finally wised up. But darn he is so handsome and has a way with words. But its not good for me.
Unfortunately they live on earth and it’s important to know how to deal with people like them... because they exist and sometimes they are our boss, co workers and family...
My goodness Susan I’ve been watching so much of your videos and it explains things and situations I’m in so well. You are truly a blessing!!!!!!! Thank the universe I found your channel 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
This is the first video I watch that sheds light on this important question.. You are fantastic .. I actually watch your videos from Syria .. and I'm sooo interested in them Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🖤🖤🖤
Susan, you’re so right! I’ve been doing the very thing you’ve said, looking, reading, watching when I should be focusing on me! I just got out of a narcissistic thing, I don’t even call it a relationship because afterall it really isn’t, when someone snatched your very being, that’s codependency, I’m working on that right now. Thank you for this video, it does help. I’m a good person and I need to go back to realizing that I am, and I don’t deserve, filthy talk, games, cheating, manipulation, why? It’s me, not him, I can cut this off, and I finally have, it’s taken me 6 years to see this, it’s like the corona virus really, you cut yourself off from the world, in fear of it spreading to your brain. It changes your atmosphere and consumes you’re every breath. It is toxic, but you have the power to control your life, your terms, your being and your existence. Your so powerful in your knowledge. I ❤️ you, thank you!
I really thought I loved myself after healing from a previous break-up and "doing the work" and yet fell for this one hard. Even got engaged. Now have to get tf out!!
I just got out and it feels so much better. There are other men out there. Get out get over him and move on. You will be so happy! Thanks for this video it concluded my need for these videos! A+++ Its my last stop !
You nailed it. Work on oneself & how we end up with them so it never has to happen again! BOOM!! I am very much past it. Kinda like being in the hallway. Preparing for the next level. Thank you!
Truth! Messed up, but all that research, yeah should be put into ourselves. I learned that the hard way, 2 years of wasting my time on someone who is worth exactly zero. Right! Realise the patterns and then write narcs off as a bad debt. Walk completely away. I beg of you, learn from others mistakes like mine. Learn the patterns, recognise what you are dealing with, give yourself a forget-this-person-by-deadline and stick to it. Take control of your thoughts...they are not you, just look at them from a far and practice redirecting them elsewhere towards a hobby or other passion (you should have or develop one! You'll need the distraction). Spend more time with friends, join a club. There will be relapses it's natural, but get traction on your thought patterns. It will be a very very difficult journey but forgive them, they are just a scorpion, can't begrudge a scorpion for being a scorpion. Forgive yourself, can't begrudge yourself for being yourself and being manipulated. Celebrate you. That amazing love you are capable of giving, give it to yourself. Celebrate your new barriers, you know now that if you find yourself researching another's behaviour it's time to direct them lovingly towards the exit of your life. It's all good. You are now in your power like never before. People will leave, it's natural, you are a different, stronger person now, ready to welcome only those who are deserving. Haha narcs don't like people with attitudes like that. This is what I've been through and where I am now. It's not a unique experience with a narc, it's a text book one. I have no care for any of that now, I just love Susan's channel, I've learned and I'm different from the old me. You will be too. Trust you.
I found your channel today. Thanks so much for your wake up call? I watched lots of narcissist videos trying to understand what was happening. Now I know :( I must go within. I have learned I'm an empath and a target for covert narcs. Been a very tough 2 years to come to this realization. I wanted to help him. He was so charming. Swept me up but then out of the blue rages and controlling behavior crept in. Then more charm and love bombing. Now silent treatment and discard. Just like those videos say! But it's me..why was I there so long? Thank you❣
Self-love is a popular term today that gets tossed around in normal conversation. "You have to love yourself more." "Why don't you love yourself?" "If you only loved yourself, this wouldn't have happened to you." "You can't love another person until you love yourself first." These are just a few of the self-love directives that we give or get to suggest a way to more living fulfillment. Self-love is important to living well. It influences who you pick for a mate, the image you project at work, and how you cope with the problems in your life. It is so important to your welfare that I want you to know how to bring more of it into your life.
Dumped my narcissist on valentine's day about a year ago. Learned about narsasist abuse watched a ton of videos took a year to heal and worked on myself and lost a few pounds. Recently went on a few outings with a very attractive girl on the third time we saw each other she told me she had a very busy week I then asked her if she was going to an event on the weekend we sometimes meet at She told me she was not sure but said she was flexible. Thats a word i never heard my narc use in the 2 years we where together.This is the first time I felt myself in a while. Good times ahead. Took a peak the narcissist facebook page she got fat and is engaged to a downgrade. Wow doing good for yourself does work. Never give up my friends who are dealing with this. I already know what's going to happen to the downgrade. Saw the movie it always has the same ending.
Love this just what I needed to hear right now a year into being with a younger narcissist who I thought was Prince Charming going through the silent treatment faze right now ooh how they love thier games, they really are the devil in disguise you won’t win with me.
Thank goodness it’s over. Wficatinh myselg about narcissistic abuse and watching/ listening to RUclips videos and podcast helped a lot to shot the door and stop the cycle from repeating 🙏🏻 I’ve no desire of him in my life. He check every symptoms. When his mask came off everything came to light.
Wow.. thanks... i was at my peak, happy, fit, focused, single 6yrs ready for love and happiness..when i met him.. it's only now that i can really see he's a nars... im empathetic.. hugely... he hooked onto my positive energy, my happy vibration hoping he could find happiness through me.. instead he wore me down, i lost who i was . ..but i started questioning his behaviour arguments got worse.. till i asked him to leave.. he didn't want to work things out.. instead he sold everything and fled the country back to his own cold miserable country..
What country was that? What country are you in? In America, we normally use capital letters (as appropriate). In my case, I am trying to work things out (though we are separated now). But if they don't work out, maybe we could get in touch. You look pretty good to me. In fact, I'd say pretty hot.
Thank you for sharing Susan! Unfortunately had displeasure of fictitious relationship however thankfully I now incredibly knowledgeable about psychology of narcissists. Incredible how the expert psychologists information regarding narcissist is extremely accurate.
Amen Susan!! I’ve had a few CN. Just left another one. Everything was my obsessing about him. Why didn’t he love me??? Why was he so cruel? All my love did nothing. I went into denial when he hoovered me back even though I knew what he was! That’s what I can’t believe! So you can learn everything about a Narc ad naseum and we need to learn what they are but don’t stay stuck figuring them out. You can still get abused because it’s not about your knowledge, but your heart and energy field. You must heal yourself first. He was back but thankfully only a few days of little contact . Then with horror I realized I was duped again, he had love bombed me (and it wasn’t even all that great!)...it was all a bunch of lies. So I finally am not wanting the Narc anymore. 3 days NC but this time I’ve cut him off everywhere. I had to learn this is a life long pattern with me and it was urgent that I understand I wasn’t a victim per say but that I was allowing myself to be horribly hurt and destroyed. That there is a deep inner wound that is screaming to be healed. I’m now in a Narc abuse healing program but it’s not about the Narc, it’s about healing myself. You’re spot on and I thank you Susan! Ps..You look extra beautiful and glowing in this video!! 💖🌹
Karen L Thank u for sharing ur story. I could totally relate almost as if I was reading back what I wrote. I agree w/ u totally, unfinished business, wanting/needing/craving that love n acceptance we never got as a child. It is about us, about finally going to that child and US being there for ourselves and giving ourselves what we want/need/crave. It's been a long journey and I am so thankful that I finally am at where I am rn. Accepting, mourning and releasing, finally letting go that this man has NOTHING to give and is like a Hot scalding stove burner that every time I touch it thinking I won't get burned..it's inevitable that I do. Like Susan asked why me? I now ask myself how many times do I need to get burned to learn this painful lesson that I will get burned? Is that caring about me? For my best interest? How does it/he make me feel? From here on out that last ? will be my first, my compass if u will for when I date someone again. And yes Susan is so right on and is definitely radiating her beauty, 🌼 as Always!! 😉 Wishing U ALL THE BEST!!! 🌬🙏🏻💗🙂🙌🏻✨✌🏻
Whispering Wind Excellent response, thank you. I’m happy to hear you are coming along in your recovery. Going 100% No Contact is vital. It’s a sad thing when this happens in our lives, we the ones who just want to love, and be loved in return. How much did we pour into an empty vessel that couldn’t be filled up? The path of self love is tough I’m finding at times. Easier to obsess about him when he’s just a ghost. I woke this morning feeling like I missed him. Then I quickly thought, what? What are you missing exactly? Because he gave soooo little in return. Be very proud of what you have done! I honour your journey and wish you real love and true happiness. 💕🌹
Thank you. You’ve helped me understand. Thank you so much!! My ex was borderline/narc. I was on the other hand ambitous, emotionally balanced and positive thinker. That went out of the window in an instant. I always felt feeded off from but could never quite grasp this feeling. Yet ive tried so many times to understand her and failed miserably. Ive placed myself beneath her and adapted to every bidding. I know. Love is a strange fruit. It demolished me completely. Im on a crossroad where im starting to learn to love myself again and its been quite the journey. She has left her mark on my soul. I always thought myself of failing her but now i realise through your kind words that its impossible to heal someone like her. I wanted to share a bit as it came naturally. Thank you for reading and thank you for your guidance.
I got so lucky I was able to get out before he sank his claws in me! It was such a scary experience, it made me so upset to meet such a vile person but instead of wishing I could tell him everything on my mind, I have to tell myself let it go and be thankful that you got out in time. Thank you universe, god, source! As much as I wish I can warn other innocent girls about him, I just hope he meets his evil vile match. They can complement each other!
Jonny D has no response. He thinks that he is some kind of "expert"... but he isn't. He would not know "big signs" of psychological narcissism (or even little signs for that matter) if those signs hit him right between the eyes. And do you know what? Neither would Susan. What makes her an "expert"? Does she have ANY type of psychology degree? I would bet the answer is "no". All one has to do to be an"expert" on RUclips is to have an account... and a camera.
Excellent advise as usual. Once you find out the reasons why "YOU" are in the relationship and why you put up all the craziness and disparagement... You will have your answer.
**THIS IS SUCH IMPORTANT CONTENT** I was on every narcissistic abuse fb book page going, I read every article and bought every book thinking why am I attracting these men. I was convinced I was a victim and helpless until I read about co dependency . I am a codependent which was MY responsibility to change! Before that I felt so powerless and victimised 🙈Absolute game changer for me!! Thanks Susan!! ❤
Susan you're fantastic! The way you state your advices are so clear, so logical that it's impossible to not get your point! Thank you so much for your time for us:)
Thank you for your great advice. I did some shadow work. I broke the cycle with him. I met a wonderful new guy. We are really in love and this is such a beautiful relationship. We took it slow and were sure to do things right. I am very very thankful I found your channel and others similar to help me understand my behaviours that enabled a man to treat me poorly. It starts with choosing appropriately. I chose someone different and gave him a chance. This has made all the difference in the world. Thank you!
We love you too, be blessed, appreciate your advice, I have one here on my side but I try to follow your ideas coz it's not easy to break, my fear he can kill his self. But am looking ahead with my life thanks so much.
Yes I do believe it to be true. "The You Make, Is the you Give" John Lennon. For me after awhile I realized I was tried of feeding the monster I created. "ME" So the NARC lost their important and I knew it was time to leave quietly as I arrived.
Thank you, Susan. I’ve been with my fiancé for 11 years, although we broke up last year but due to financial reasons, I can’t get away from her at the moment. Every day is an extreme challenge. I’m 39 and she’s 69, so she treats me like I’m her kid! I’ll admit that I’ve struggled in my life financially and she has a lot of money and maybe that’s why I’ve put up with it and latched onto her in the first place, but I really need to then my life around if I’m ever gonna get away from her. She even filed a Protection From Abuse order against me last year and was away from her for 2 months but we have 2 dogs together whom I love with all my heart and they’re my kids so I was able to get her to drop it so I could still be with my dogs. Ever since moving back in with her it’s been getting worse. She’s had all kinds of problems with the neighbors over the years and even has been in court against them. I can tell you so many stories. I tried therapy but it didn’t help. I really need to talk to a relationship expert. I need to quit engaging in arguments with her cuz no matter what, I’m always wrong. Oh, she’s a hoarder and has two houses filled with junk and won’t clean it up. I have to find the strength to get my personal life and finances on track so I can escape her for good!
The thing is that these narcissists present as ideal partners, at first. We fall in love with that, and second guess ourselves when they become shady.
Jonny D exactly. And for that... it’s truly not a “what’s wrong with me” problem.
Yes exactly, it's like gaslighting, I'm second guessing what I see in front of me because I'm worried I'm being too judgmental or harsh or just reading it wrong.
So very true. I thought I had found a gem at first but in time, I realized what a narcissist my ex girlfriend was. Since she left, people tell me my energy has returned. I’m much happier without her.
Yes.Very true
Yep and you constantly long for the first person that you met but he doesn’t exist.
3 things a narcissists is sure to break.. Promise, Trust and your heart.
Homeless Pirate
LOVE THIS!!!
So sad but so true~
Perfectly stated 👌🏻...
U can take this to the bank and cash 💰 that bs!!! 💩🙊
If you allow it!
You right
That is so very true. I think I will write your words in my journal so I don't forget it. Cause those things have happened to me.
U r so right👍
I HAVE watched 150 videos in a row 😂~”why are YOU there”,,,perfectly said Susan Winter 👏
I was widowed, lonely, & ended up dating 4 narcissists in a row. The heartbreak & confusion was overwhelming.
Your videos have been such a gift by giving me wisdom, hope & humor during that hellish, confusing time.
Fast forward I met a one in a million man. They are still out there, please whoever is reading this never give up❤
Loneliness is very powerful, and it causes us to settle for people that we should most definitely avoid. When minutes feel like hours, waiting for the right person to come along feels like eternity, and loneliness gets traded for misery.
So well said 😊
If you grew up seeking validation never knew your own value... worked extremely hard for love and attention to be seen or heard...you are perfect for the narcassitic personality..once spiritually awakened it's over!!!!
Realladi 228 Exactly! Awake and aware and It changes everything.
Yes !!
Perfectly Put.
Yes! Awesome and it's true!
It's very strange. I kinda became very self aware after I looked into my now EX boyfriend's issues (collapsed Narcissist he is and very toxic) Well.. I am actually very narcissistic too. How convenient xD Not NPD but I am strong in narcissism if that makes sense? I like to take pictures of myself and I feel above most people
The point is: lack of self-love. The pattern is: the narc adores himself and hates the partner, the codependent adores the narc and hates herself! Here we go... As soon as we begin to love ourselves, we'll be able to spot narcs at the first sight and even better never attract narcissists again. Narcs know where they can settle, they never choose confident and self-loving partners! Thanks Susan, that's such an important video! 🤗
So right, Mireille
But my ex narc seems to have attracted a very confident and self-loving partner this time,who he is married to and is enjoying his life travelling all across the world.
he wants to feed of her. narcistic supply. higher value person better the feed. @@shwetasama6567
On point. Thank you
Wow! This is do good!! Thank you!
Life lessons as follows. 1. A leopard does not change it's spots. 2. I am no match for addictions alcoholism or mental disorders. You will always be dealing with the malady, never the person. 3. It's easier to raise a child then a man or a woman. 4. The way they treat you is not necessarily personal, they likely treat most people that way.
Wow! Yes, yes and yes. This is deep
A.D. B so right on !!! you should start your own channel !!!
If his mom could not change him you will never do it either.
Excellent words!! Especially #2, I’ve never heard it put that way. Thank you!
So much wisdom
You cannot change them. You cannot reason with them. And for sure do it try to argue with them or correct them. No need to be right; let it go. Don’t get hooked. Observe. Don’t absorb.
No, YOU can not change them... but proper therapy for them can change them - no matter what Susan says.
Incorrect Lee Roy. Narcissism along with psychopathy and other antisocial personality disorders cannot be ' cured'. That is the current synopsis from academic/medical psychology associations the world over. You clearly have no awareness of the facts around this topic.
“These creatures cannot survive unless they have someone to feed off of.” 😮That explains so much
We are with these monsters because we were not taught to love ourselves.
"Those things"
Journaling really helped me ... writing... I also wrote a ton to the narcissists, not caring what they'd think about me. I used their mail box as a garbage can, like they used me. I found out I was attracted to them because of my parents. Once you decode your relationship patterns / identify why you're attracted to people that are bad for your mental health, the spell is broken. But you need to find your own personal wound and inner magnet to really understand it. Before then what people like I write or tell you is just abstract "bla bla". You need to (re-)connect to Spirit and Self-Love ... and then you need to change your mental landscape, to reprogram yourself. It's actually very simple and you can let all that pain go and save a ton of time and energy.
When all you got as a child was crumbs, then you seek the familiar.
You are 1000000% accurate! I realized I did not love and accept myself. I accepted abuse, adultery, neglect and abandonment from the Narcissist, due to my insecurities. My divorce will be finalized after 22 years of marriage from the Narcissist next month 😄.
So instead of working (with therapy) on your own insecurities - and doing marriage counseling with "the Narcissist" (I assume your husband)... you just up and divorced after all those years? And that makes you happy? I think you are disgusting... just as much as the Narcissist!
Lee Roy Lee Roy Wow. What empathy huh? You read one paragraph about someone and call them disgusting. You seem bothered by her happiness, I can’t help wondering why.
Lee Roy It is impossible for you to know what effort she put forth to try and save the marriage. I went to marriage counseling with my ex husband and all it turned out to be was a stage for him to gaslight and blame. I walked out of the first session.
@1:24 She breaks it down and it sent shivers down my spine. Narcissists are parasites. Make sure you sanitize! 👆🏾
Susan is the best. It's about time we point the finger inward and claim our power.
Thanks Kate.
it's an inner child unfinished business with our care givers so we can win them over again or prove them wrong and we can be loved entirely finally we gravitated to what once was familiar it's all done unconsciously ... thanks Susan
Hanadi Ali 👍🏻
You are raising an important point... I don't fully get it though. Can you pls. elaborate more, Hanadi...
I agree with Sofia Lora... Can you elaborate? Because how it is written makes no sense!!!!
@@sofialora7896 you feel feelings of anxiety and stress and panic ...unpredictably with a narc. Same as you experienced growing up but did not heal. The narc brings all those feelings back up as a spiritual teacher and you can thank them and walk away. Now it's time to awaken and live the life that was held back by disconnected emotions.
Wow that is so true I would like to learn more about this!
The most empowering comment in this video is when you say ‘you are the host and they are the parasite - without you they cannot feed’. That turned it around for me right there and gave me back control. It is my mother that is the Narcissist. It’s not easy to walk away from that relationship. Brilliant video Susan. ‘Jumping to the end question’ as you put it is all that is needed. 😍
Incredible share, Caro. This is indeed a complex situation. I wish you well.
Set very strong boundaries Caro. And ignore them. I have one too but covert.
In my case, it is also my mother. She is 84 now, and I am 64. Very tough situation, but she is too old now for me to try to break bonds. I won't hurt her at this age in her life.
Deborah Griffin I totally understand your position. My father died a couple of months ago forcing me into my mother’s life and her’s into mine. A game changer I just didn’t need. Now I’m working on the principal of trying not to resist what is my reality as resistance creates pain. A cross to bear... wish you well with your situation my friend.
I walked away from my narc mother and 2 narc brothers. You can do it too. I had to save myself, no one else was going to do it. Til this day 3 years later in still scapegoated. Their so irresponsible.
"Why you" is exactly right. Are you co-dependant? Those are the ones the the narcs want.
Thing is people are confused on what a narc is. It's not someone who posts selfies all over social media.
And then there are those with an avoidant attachment type or emotionally unavailable.
It all begins with us just like you said.
@@strawberry55555 Craig Kenneth
p mgc yes! Another good one.
Nancy A
Also Brianna MacWilliam
Brianna is more holistic but her vids are good too
Because my mother is narc and I thought that kind of love is "normal" and I do not deserve any better.. that is what I was believing in.. Not anymore!
OK, two years later, I still keep attracting them, I still get emotional because of it, but it has way less impact on me than before. And also, they cannot play me anymore. So they lose their interest quickly. So the emotions are only some remnants from the past and I am feeling I am almost out of this. The chains are breaking.
Why do I need them....because I do not love myself enough ...Susan you great, thank you!
LOVE your stuff Susan and would like to give my two cents on narcissists. The thing is, they ARE actually very attractive and, believe me, there ARE people who will put up with their crap. Why? It turns out they are incredibly charming. As you so well describe it, narcissists literally feed on the validation you give them and that is why they are so good at getting the best of you. I've been there, done that, got the shirt and BURNED it. Often times, a narcissist makes us suffer because we allow ourselves to put these people on a pedestal. They go around charming others with their confidence and their "high self-esteem". It's a mirage. They have core issues that are unsolved and sucking out energy from others is their form of escapism (though in reality they are trapped in this vicious cycle of feeling misunderstood by people because they don't show who they really are but are too insecure to be real in the first place). So what to do? LIVE A LIFE THAT EXCITES YOU. Mingle with people outside your circle of friends, travel abroad, make plans for yourself, have adventures. Live the life that you want and the right person will eventually hop in effortlessly, BUT, if no one comes along you will still have so much to look forward to: a life that is your own. Ladies, you are not the problem, you are the solution so go out there and be the light the world needs. XOXO
Right! I studied this person for ...a long time, I should have spent that time on me. Study enough to know the characteristics, study what is abuse, draw a line in the sand or a date to cease pondering that person and just opt out. Know/learn how to control your thoughts and give this person less and less of your mental real estate. They are here to teach you about yourself or waste your time. You choose which one is worth your time. I've been through this. Best way to forget them is to do the inner work to be a full cup. You will attract another full cup and the ex narc will fade into insignificance where they belong. This is my story. God bless.
Needed. Thank you!
I finally answered the ruminating question of what I did wrong in the relationship.
I allowed it to happen.
Relatable
It's called Self Love Deficit Disorder and that's what we need to focus on curing...not the narcissist.
deficit disorder?
The "cure" is Self-Love.
It's giving ourselves what we didn't get and what we are seeking from others.
It ALL starts and ends w/ us.
Narcs are mirrors to our shadow selves I feel.
They bring out the worst in us, our childhood trauma, issues, insecurities and they leave us feeling dead inside.
We then w/ time, understanding, compassion for ourselves and "self" love have to find the strength w/ in to *RISE UP like a Phoenix* rising and fly free again.
There is beauty in the ashes I've found but first we MUST put out the fires...only with Love n acceptance of what is.
🌬🙏🏻💗🙂✨✌🏻
If the NARCISSIST CANT LOVE THEMSELVES, HOW CAN THEY LOVE ANOTHER PERSON ?
SLDD that's it!!!
Marsha Brown exactly!
Susan, I want to thank you, for you have helped me change my life today! I thank you thank you thank you! You are a beautiful soul 🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
It’s an addiction - addiction is rooted very much in a deep wound. The narcissist is extremely addictive . That’s why you can’t stop thinking of them . It’s true the only way to remove the desire for the poison is to go with in partner with yourself on a level you never have before. Extreme self love is your only weapon . And that’s is ultimately why you have attracted the narcissist- to mirror back to you all the holes you have in your armor - to mirror back to you what it is you must to do to truly heal and love you. But you must fiercely do the work . When a narcissist enters your life it’s a fight for your soul. It’s a fight for yourself. And only you can fight the good fight . You don’t get brought down to hell for no reason. The narcissist is there to help you purge the darkness in you - and only a devil can bring out the demons in you . That is why you have attracted the narcissist. Once you realize this you will know that healing yourself is all that matters .
Well said
Yes very true. NARCS are evil. Only the devil goes after your soul.
My bf who has NPD said tome after our first kiss, "You're going to get addicted to me", and I did.
"Why do I want the narcissist?"
...that's actually a really good question..
Trauma bonding
I second the motion with trauma bond. It takes time and effort to be back with ourselves and hope for the best we will not feel love or hatred for this creatures. Nothing but indifference. I hope we will heal from this. Be patient with yourself. ♥️
2 weeks no contact some tough days tough nights but this video sums it up thank you this is absolutely ridiculous and I pray nobody has to go through this garbage and bull again
I've discovered my patterns, have been doing inner child work, have spotted the Narcissistic/Hot- Cold patterns in men I've dated and quickly broken things off, but how do I stop attracting them in the first place? If I'm not attracting an emotionally unavailable man, I'm not attracting anyone...???This only covers," Why are you with the person, not why is this the only type you apparently CAN attract?" I think I'm starting to become avoidant myself because this dynamic freaks me out so much!
Susan, you are absolutely right. My ex-girlfriend (it was not a romantic relationship, we were best friends since university) is a narcissist. After many years of trying to help her out of it, I had to break off all contact, it was so detrimental. There is no hope for change, ever, because the narcissist does not want to change. I learned it the hard way.
Love you Susan!! I just moved out of a 20yr marriage with a narcissist. And you are spot on! I think it will take a few years to unravel the mind games I've been through but I'm looking forward to a drama free life. I fear the pattern like its the plague.
👍👍👍👍
Right there with you! Struggled the last 8-10yrs trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why she treated me the way she did. Finally woke up after 20yrs and realized I was letting her do this to me, so I walked and couldn’t be happier and feel more alive and aware
@@kevinwilliams5651 Hi Kevin, I am so with you on what you have been through, I have woken up from the same treatment you have been receiving. You can't see it at first, that old adage Love is blind come's to mind, in the end like you I woke up and realised I had a choice and life that I wanted to be happy in living. Like you I feel absolutely like a massive black cloud has gone to be replaced by enlightenment. I had been putting up with her behavior for the last 7/8 year's, there is no pleasing them they will never change and they will destroy you in the process, it feeds their ego. I wish you all the best stay strong, onwards and upwards, sorry did Buzz Lightyear say that lol, kind regards Nigel.
Nigel Cyril and Kevin. Amen brothers! Exact same story. Week to week, month to month, year to year....the goal post is constantly changing. Until you figure out what the hell is going on, you stay in the game, exhausted but still willing to fight for your family. Until one day.....you don’t. That’s when you start the real journey of awakening. It’s a long, tough slog but oh so worth the pain. No one will EVER understand what it’s like unless they’ve lived it and belong to the club. Cheers to you both!
So right. You've cut to the chase here and said that a lot of us who are with narcs focus on them, them, them. There comes a time to just accept that it isn't healthy, examine our own motivation, and move on. Thank you Susan. Best advice ever.
Thank you so much Susan🙏❤️ I was one year in a relationship with a narcissist and did everything to find out how to help him. But as you said, unfortunately we are not able to do it. Their lack of empathy attract the people who can give them attention which they build their image on. They are attracting sensitive and emphatetic people who have problems to put the barriers and limits and protect themselves. They are the easiest target. I tried to break up three time with the narcissist, but could not resist to 'help him' when he was coming back. In the end I found the way how to get out of this toxic relationship. The way was to do what he was feared about and in the end he was the one that walked away. Only when they take this decision to leave you, there is a great chance they will not to try to come back. Since the moment he disappeared from my life I feel full of energy and strength. I know I have a lot to offer, but only to the person who will know how to appreciate it. Wish you all luck in breaking the chains if you are in any kind of abusing relationship.
So what did you do, that he feared the most?? I want to know because I need to seenif that may wrk for me...lol
Can you let us know and your update on your breakups ? I have same situation like you
Hi guys🤗👋 you asked me what did I do to finish that relationship with a narcissist. They love to be in the center of attention as you all know. I've realised it the most during my birthday, when my ex showed up like a star and was dancing among my friends taking selfies on the dance floor. Everyone was nice to me that day and didn't say anything and I also didn't react to his behavior. The day after I met my friends at work and they all said that he just didn't care about me at all. Like if the party was organized for him... I realised that he was not able to love me, as he was so busy being in love in himself... Of course it's just a surface. Narcissist's core is not only what it shows on the outside. They are full of fears and the biggest one is to loose the attention and their suppliers. I knew that this relationship was toxic, but still it was hard to change and put the limits. But I managed to change my behavior towards him. I was still nice and caring, but telling 'no' much more often. He was never in the center of attention anymore and that was driving him crazy. In the end he got bored, as I was not giving him the things he needed. Was it hard for me? Defenitely. You asked me how am I doing now.
I was trying to follow Susan's advices and tell the men I am dating from the begging what my relationship goals are. I was talking a lot with my friend from work about wanting to have family and kids. In the end we found out that we wanted the same and gave ourself a chance. I feel loved, respected and appreciated. So in the end it was worth to finish the toxic bound and open up for a real connection. Wish you all the best of luck!!!
It's so true. When I had to work in two different countries for a few months each time (no friends/family near by, feeling more emotionally fragile) I unfortunately attracted narcissistic guys (one paramedic, a few years later a policeman) It was very damaging but the pattern was there . Now, again in my country, that more "fragile/lonely" energy is gone, no possibility to attract those type of guys again. They really feed on more fragile, empaths, good ladies. (Sorry my English, I'm from Europe, but this video is spot on). Reinforce your energy, confidence, healthy family&friends relationships and they loose interest in you and vice versa! 🌟👍👏
A narcissist seeks out nice people who are looking for long term love. If you are a nice person looking for love then you might be there for the taking.
When I was in recovery this youtuber said: "What was it about me that was so fucked up, that made me think that you were ever a good idea".
This was the beginning for me to start release that I played a major part in this.
Start to realize? Or start to release?
You got me right between the eyes, Susan. Timely and impeccably delivered. Thank you.
Thanks Liz
I’m a therapist and this is exactly what I ask friends or clients when they talk about narcissistic partners - What keeps you in the relationship? Like Susan, in my previous relationships, I’ve focused on the other person as the problem when they display traits of self involvement... but eventually you have to accept there’s a reason you indulge in this pattern. If I had a £1 or $1 for the clients that wanted the narcissist to change... you can only change yourself :)
Thank you Paul-Lee. Honored to have you here on my channel.
You can tell you derive most of your knowledge from experience... because it’s so eloquent - I very much enjoy your rationale on relationships :)
Paul-Lee Woodhouse...
YOU are a therapist? Your profile picture makes you look about 15.
Also, you talk about "previous relationships". How come so many "life coaches" and "therapists" go through so many (multiple) relationships? Most were never married... or divorced multiple times.
And REAL psychological research (and thousands of case histories) show that narcissists can change (and BTW, REAL narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is exceptionally rare.
Narcissism is just a term, a label that people who aren't really experts on the topic just love to throw about to "explain" things - things that they have no idea of what they are really talking about.
I suggest you (both of you) pick up some issues of Psychology Today and read up on NPD... and meanwhile STAY AWAY from RUclips.
Its wanting their approval. Stems back to the narcisist parent that never gave it
Yes we need to take accountability and responsibility for our life once we know bigger we need to do better...
Susan, you just made me cry! 😭😭😭 God knows I needed someone to tell it to my face. So I could stop hoping and wishing for the ex narc to come back and be that person at the love bombing stage even I know I’d get only crumbs of attention and get back to toxicity. I wish to cut all ties with trauma bond. Your questions are spot on! I gave thoughts of it and conclude I’m better off without him. It’s the new supply’s problem now! I stopped looking. This video resonates to me in so much level! Thank you so much!🙏
Susan - as always, you are absolutely right. We tend to research the HELL out of why THEY do what they do and it's great to have a basic understanding BUT the only person we can control is ourselves and as you said, the issue really is what is it about us that attracts these people or why are we attracted to them. Once you crack that nut, you're good to go. GREAT VIDEO!
Why you? I'll try to explain: If you've learned from earliest as a child the hard way, among which: that you always had to EARN love. Then it's very difficult to be attracted to people who GIVE love.
Still Susan, without books, therapy or instructive youtube channels and all the knowledge gained really, I would never have come this far. Narcissism is such a filthy awful form of abuse, and so dark and behind the scenes, you barely see how you are gradually destroyed, at least if you had 'the privilege' to been raised by two..
Thank you Susan. I do agree on 100 % with you.
There is a French author, Laurent Gounelle, who has written:
"You know, you cant't change people, you can only show them a way and inspire they to go on it".
Our responsability is to be well... with ourself. As you canot change the other, and you're not allowed to try this... you have to find a new energy to solve the problem, in yourself. Find a project which makes sense for you. The Narc has shown you what you have to work in your-Self, in order to become Self-realized... it's not always simple, but it is effective in a long term view...
Enjoy your day, your life in consciousness.
Ok there are mainstream videos about narcissism that make narcissists out to be like evil super villains. Then there are really good psychoanalytic videos that get under the hood of the psychopathology. Finally there is this video, which is unique among all, in that it provides the only answer one would ever need.
It took me some time, to realise that i was dealing with a narcist. So many times i was thinking that i did something wrong. Until i saw video's about narcissits. It open my eyes, and i left him! Yes i did!!!! :) It's a last from my shoulder, and i have no intensions to get him back! I don't want a life anymore, with always thinking that i do the things wrong. I didn't do that....he's to blame! That knowing, makes that i'm feeling free. And i really enjoy that! A good man, who can change that, for this moment! xxx
Good luck to you stay on that path moving forward. Peace and blessings
Grate video! I'm a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and I can tell you did clarify very well such a difficult topic! You are such a good professional, thanks for sharing. Best regards from Spain.
You are a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and you do NOT know the difference between "grate" and "great"
Hoo-boy! I am glad that I do not live in Spain and need therapy.
Spot on, Susan! For me the biggest break through after almost 2 years of healing via educating myself on RUclips channels about narcissistic abuse from various amazing people full of life saving information was that there are people who are immune to narcissists and their attempts to abuse them or get any form of emotional reaction or narcissistic supply from them. That was an eye opener for me! I always used to be a target, I was always picked by a narc, I was an easy prey, because of the way I was brought up, codependent and abused by a narc myself. I was a school book example of a codependent, people pleasing empath and I didn't even know about it until my late 30's!!! And every narc worth their salt sensed that immediately or after exchanging a small talk chit chat with you. Those narc-immune people have a certain emotional and mental predisposition in themselves that they are simply not reactive when exposed directly to a narcissists doings and schemes and narcs sense that and they cease all their efforts very early on or they even can tell those mentally strong non-codependent people even when they enter a room and know it is useless to even try with those types of people, so the narcs naturally avoid them all together. As oppose to immediately singling out the empaths and codependents in a crowd that they can exploit for their supply. You must want to try and be like those narc-immune people. The no. 1 trait of those people is they are NOT codependent! Poof! Mind blowing, right!? Well, DUH! :))) No. 2 is they are all those "selfs" that empaths are only learning to become slowly, because they were deprived of them as children or stripped of them in an abusive relationship(s): self reliant, self loving, self partnered, ... etc. But as Susan says, it takes averting look from all the narcs and toxic people outside of you that are making your life miserable and take a deep good look at you, why did you attract in the first place and if they looked you up , then why are they still exploiting you and are not letting go?! Hard questions that should set you off on a journey of knowing yourself first and taking care of yourself, and maybe a therapy.
Very true. NARCS have no feelings.
You just described my past relationship. A true parasite...he run to a host who could provide. For me it got to the point that even a thought of meeting him made me aggravated but I stayed 2 years because he was my last chance to get married. I am 42, the clock is ticking....thank you, after all I made a right choice to leave him
Monika
You’re already on your own wise path, which is often unsupported with all the pressure for motherhood. Here’s to self-birth too! I‘m sure you’ll thrive! 💫
Thanks Susan you saved my life .. You will never know
This is so very true. The only way to deal with a Narcisist is to get out, then do the hard task of looking at why you attracted him or her and why you put up with them. In my case: my mother was a covert narcissist. I didn't know anything else. But I want to add. Narcissism is a spectrum and some narcissists do have some insight in their own inability to have empathy. They just don't know how to stop being the way they are. Sometimes the mask slips and you see it. You see the pain. They are tortured souls. I believe my husband of 20 years loved me and still does. He just did not know how to "do" love. I had to leave for my own emotional and spiritual survival but I will never demonize him. You have to get past the hurt and anger. You have to see that Narcissists are human beings, very flawed human beings but not monsters.
The purpose of the narcissist is for u to self reflect and do well... they will push you to do well and better!
No they won't.
"You are the host" is the core information we need to know. Thank you for your wisdom.
Id be rich if everyone paid $1 each time they ask why they keep attracting narc. Its always back to our self. Each relationship we have is mirror reflection who u are inside . And It will keep repeating similiar recycled pattern with different person , its show us the inner works need to be deal heal and seal. If we finish completely heal and able to forgive them the new us will attract better people come into our life. Thanks susan 😉 it take times to learn and heal but it worth to do the job.its been a wonderful journey of healing.
For the second time your video hits the mark for what's happening in my life. I just broke up with him a few days ago because I just couldn't stand being in that miserable state of mind anymore, I tried to step away slowly and of course it wasn't working until I cut, broke and burn the dang plug!!! Thank you for the video, it assured me of the decisions needed to be done, XOXO.
PS. I watch you from Mexico.
I’ve been there and it’s so easy to see ... after the fact ... after you’re no longer with them. But it can take a long time because they are so good at what they do. My heart hurts for anyone in this type of relationship. Understand it is only a matter of time before you are brought to your knees. Then it’ll be time to seek therapy and begin travelling the slow and painful road to recovery. But you can do it!!! Do NOT let this person ruin your life!!! With time, perseverance and help, you can become even stronger than before you met this person. Love to you ♥️
I was in that boat. I was alone and grieving the loss of my husband and bingo who shows up the narcissist. Well I finally wised up. But darn he is so handsome and has a way with words. But its not good for me.
Unfortunately they live on earth and it’s important to know how to deal with people like them... because they exist and sometimes they are our boss, co workers and family...
My goodness Susan I’ve been watching so much of your videos and it explains things and situations I’m in so well. You are truly a blessing!!!!!!! Thank the universe I found your channel 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
This is the first video I watch that sheds light on this important question..
You are fantastic .. I actually watch your videos from Syria .. and I'm sooo interested in them
Thank you from the bottom of my heart 🖤🖤🖤
Thank you Mais!!!
Susan, you’re so right! I’ve been doing the very thing you’ve said, looking, reading, watching when I should be focusing on me! I just got out of a narcissistic thing, I don’t even call it a relationship because afterall it really isn’t, when someone snatched your very being, that’s codependency, I’m working on that right now. Thank you for this video, it does help. I’m a good person and I need to go back to realizing that I am, and I don’t deserve, filthy talk, games, cheating, manipulation, why? It’s me, not him, I can cut this off, and I finally have, it’s taken me 6 years to see this, it’s like the corona virus really, you cut yourself off from the world, in fear of it spreading to your brain. It changes your atmosphere and consumes you’re every breath. It is toxic, but you have the power to control your life, your terms, your being and your existence. Your so powerful in your knowledge. I ❤️ you, thank you!
I really thought I loved myself after healing from a previous break-up and "doing the work" and yet fell for this one hard. Even got engaged. Now have to get tf out!!
I just got out and it feels so much better. There are other men out there. Get out get over him and move on. You will be so happy! Thanks for this video it concluded my need for these videos! A+++ Its my last stop !
June Brezgis, you got a smile can make the news!
You nailed it. Work on oneself & how we end up with them so it never has to happen again! BOOM!! I am very much past it. Kinda like being in the hallway. Preparing for the next level. Thank you!
Absolutely brilliant analysis! The charisma is almost impossible to break away from, imo. I did it but I still miss him :(
Oh yes their masters of charisma to keep you there!
Truth! Messed up, but all that research, yeah should be put into ourselves. I learned that the hard way, 2 years of wasting my time on someone who is worth exactly zero. Right! Realise the patterns and then write narcs off as a bad debt. Walk completely away. I beg of you, learn from others mistakes like mine. Learn the patterns, recognise what you are dealing with, give yourself a forget-this-person-by-deadline and stick to it. Take control of your thoughts...they are not you, just look at them from a far and practice redirecting them elsewhere towards a hobby or other passion (you should have or develop one! You'll need the distraction). Spend more time with friends, join a club. There will be relapses it's natural, but get traction on your thought patterns. It will be a very very difficult journey but forgive them, they are just a scorpion, can't begrudge a scorpion for being a scorpion. Forgive yourself, can't begrudge yourself for being yourself and being manipulated. Celebrate you. That amazing love you are capable of giving, give it to yourself. Celebrate your new barriers, you know now that if you find yourself researching another's behaviour it's time to direct them lovingly towards the exit of your life. It's all good. You are now in your power like never before. People will leave, it's natural, you are a different, stronger person now, ready to welcome only those who are deserving. Haha narcs don't like people with attitudes like that. This is what I've been through and where I am now. It's not a unique experience with a narc, it's a text book one. I have no care for any of that now, I just love Susan's channel, I've learned and I'm different from the old me. You will be too. Trust you.
I found your channel today. Thanks so much for your wake up call? I watched lots of narcissist videos trying to understand what was happening. Now I know :(
I must go within. I have learned I'm an empath and a target for covert narcs. Been a very tough 2 years to come to this realization. I wanted to help him. He was so charming. Swept me up but then out of the blue rages and controlling behavior crept in. Then more charm and love bombing. Now silent treatment and discard. Just like those videos say! But it's me..why was I there so long?
Thank you❣
Self-love is a popular term today that gets tossed around in normal conversation. "You have to love yourself more." "Why don't you love yourself?" "If you only loved yourself, this wouldn't have happened to you." "You can't love another person until you love yourself first." These are just a few of the self-love directives that we give or get to suggest a way to more living fulfillment.
Self-love is important to living well. It influences who you pick for a mate, the image you project at work, and how you cope with the problems in your life. It is so important to your welfare that I want you to know how to bring more of it into your life.
Dumped my narcissist on valentine's day about a year ago. Learned about narsasist abuse watched a ton of videos took a year to heal and worked on myself and lost a few pounds. Recently went on a few outings with a very attractive girl on the third time we saw each other she told me she had a very busy week I then asked her if she was going to an event on the weekend we sometimes meet at She told me she was not sure but said she was flexible. Thats a word i never heard my narc use in the 2 years we where together.This is the first time I felt myself in a while. Good times ahead. Took a peak the narcissist facebook page she got fat and is engaged to a downgrade. Wow doing good for yourself does work. Never give up my friends who are dealing with this. I already know what's going to happen to the downgrade. Saw the movie it always has the same ending.
Love this just what I needed to hear right now a year into being with a younger narcissist who I thought was Prince Charming going through the silent treatment faze right now ooh how they love thier games, they really are the devil in disguise you won’t win with me.
Never heard it put better! Once I listened to what you were saying, I asked myself, what was I thinking! Been there, done that, not again! Thank you!
This is everything i needed to hear today. Literally word for word.
Thank goodness it’s over. Wficatinh myselg about narcissistic abuse and watching/ listening to RUclips videos and podcast helped a lot to shot the door and stop the cycle from repeating 🙏🏻 I’ve no desire of him in my life. He check every symptoms. When his mask came off everything came to light.
Wow.. thanks... i was at my peak, happy, fit, focused, single 6yrs ready for love and happiness..when i met him.. it's only now that i can really see he's a nars... im empathetic.. hugely... he hooked onto my positive energy, my happy vibration hoping he could find happiness through me.. instead he wore me down, i lost who i was . ..but i started questioning his behaviour arguments got worse.. till i asked him to leave.. he didn't want to work things out.. instead he sold everything and fled the country back to his own cold miserable country..
What country was that? What country are you in? In America, we normally use capital letters (as appropriate). In my case, I am trying to work things out (though we are separated now). But if they don't work out, maybe we could get in touch. You look pretty good to me. In fact, I'd say pretty hot.
Thank you for sharing Susan! Unfortunately had displeasure of fictitious relationship however thankfully I now incredibly knowledgeable about psychology of narcissists. Incredible how the expert psychologists information regarding narcissist is extremely accurate.
Amen Susan!! I’ve had a few CN. Just left another one. Everything was my obsessing about him. Why didn’t he love me??? Why was he so cruel? All my love did nothing. I went into denial when he hoovered me back even though I knew what he was! That’s what I can’t believe! So you can learn everything about a Narc ad naseum and we need to learn what they are but don’t stay stuck figuring them out. You can still get abused because it’s not about your knowledge, but your heart and energy field. You must heal yourself first. He was back but thankfully only a few days of little contact . Then with horror I realized I was duped again, he had love bombed me (and it wasn’t even all that great!)...it was all a bunch of lies. So I finally am not wanting the Narc anymore. 3 days NC but this time I’ve cut him off everywhere. I had to learn this is a life long pattern with me and it was urgent that I understand I wasn’t a victim per say but that I was allowing myself to be horribly hurt and destroyed. That there is a deep inner wound that is screaming to be healed. I’m now in a Narc abuse healing program but it’s not about the Narc, it’s about healing myself. You’re spot on and I thank you Susan! Ps..You look extra beautiful and glowing in this video!! 💖🌹
Karen L Thank u for sharing ur story. I could totally relate almost as if I was reading back what I wrote.
I agree w/ u totally, unfinished business, wanting/needing/craving that love n acceptance we never got as a child.
It is about us, about finally going to that child and US being there for ourselves and giving ourselves what we want/need/crave.
It's been a long journey and I am so thankful that I finally am at where I am rn. Accepting, mourning and releasing, finally letting go that this man has NOTHING to give and is like a Hot scalding stove burner that every time I touch it thinking I won't get burned..it's inevitable that I do.
Like Susan asked why me?
I now ask myself how many times do I need to get burned to learn this painful lesson that I will get burned?
Is that caring about me? For my best interest? How does it/he make me feel?
From here on out that last ? will be my first, my compass if u will for when I date someone again.
And yes Susan is so right on and is definitely radiating her beauty, 🌼 as Always!! 😉
Wishing U ALL THE BEST!!!
🌬🙏🏻💗🙂🙌🏻✨✌🏻
Whispering Wind Excellent response, thank you. I’m happy to hear you are coming along in your recovery. Going 100% No Contact is vital. It’s a sad thing when this happens in our lives, we the ones who just want to love, and be loved in return. How much did we pour into an empty vessel that couldn’t be filled up? The path of self love is tough I’m finding at times. Easier to obsess about him when he’s just a ghost. I woke this morning feeling like I missed him. Then I quickly thought, what? What are you missing exactly? Because he gave soooo little in return. Be very proud of what you have done! I honour your journey
and wish you real love and true happiness. 💕🌹
Powerful and loving!!! This is the type of truth is able to divide the parts of bone!
Thank you. You’ve helped me understand. Thank you so much!! My ex was borderline/narc. I was on the other hand ambitous, emotionally balanced and positive thinker. That went out of the window in an instant. I always felt feeded off from but could never quite grasp this feeling. Yet ive tried so many times to understand her and failed miserably. Ive placed myself beneath her and adapted to every bidding. I know. Love is a strange fruit. It demolished me completely. Im on a crossroad where im starting to learn to love myself again and its been quite the journey. She has left her mark on my soul. I always thought myself of failing her but now i realise through your kind words that its impossible to heal someone like her. I wanted to share a bit as it came naturally. Thank you for reading and thank you for your guidance.
Rebellion Something deep inside you may tought, you have to heal her. Like it‘s your mandatory. But this seems Mission impossible
I got so lucky I was able to get out before he sank his claws in me! It was such a scary experience, it made me so upset to meet such a vile person but instead of wishing I could tell him everything on my mind, I have to tell myself let it go and be thankful that you got out in time. Thank you universe, god, source! As much as I wish I can warn other innocent girls about him, I just hope he meets his evil vile match. They can complement each other!
++
I’m having this on repeat! “It is what it is!”
I think this is the best video for narcissists that doesn't talk about them... Thank you so much for your help!
Exactly and well said... U can't change them.
100%!!. porous boundaries , fix them, fix your energy , brilliant Susan x
When you see the big signs, believe what you see, don't second guess yourself, and GO.
Jonny D like what? :)
Jonny D has no response. He thinks that he is some kind of "expert"... but he isn't. He would not know "big signs" of psychological narcissism (or even little signs for that matter) if those signs hit him right between the eyes.
And do you know what?
Neither would Susan. What makes her an "expert"? Does she have ANY type of psychology degree? I would bet the answer is "no".
All one has to do to be an"expert" on RUclips is to have an account... and a camera.
Lee Roy Why such bitter anger and resentment I wonder?
My quest for answers ends today
Thanks
This is one of the best videos I’ve ever seen on this topic and I watched thousands! You are amazing Susan!
Excellent advise as usual. Once you find out the reasons why "YOU" are in the relationship and why you put up all the craziness and disparagement... You will have your answer.
Absolutely amazing down to earth information. Much love from the UK ❤️
**THIS IS SUCH IMPORTANT CONTENT**
I was on every narcissistic abuse fb book page going, I read every article and bought every book thinking why am I attracting these men. I was convinced I was a victim and helpless until I read about co dependency . I am a codependent which was MY responsibility to change! Before that I felt so powerless and victimised 🙈Absolute game changer for me!! Thanks Susan!! ❤
This video could save many people from living hell
Thanks Susan for this great insight
Always on point as usual 💕💕💕
Fantastic video❤❤you are so wise and very well spoken, Susan…! Love your direct and no nonsence style
Glad you enjoyed it!
Nice, straight to the point ! And the point is love yourself, dont need validation from anyone fore it. Thanxs Susan xxx
Susan you're fantastic! The way you state your advices are so clear, so logical that it's impossible to not get your point! Thank you so much for your time for us:)
Thank you for your great advice. I did some shadow work. I broke the cycle with him. I met a wonderful new guy. We are really in love and this is such a beautiful relationship. We took it slow and were sure to do things right. I am very very thankful I found your channel and others similar to help me understand my behaviours that enabled a man to treat me poorly. It starts with choosing appropriately. I chose someone different and gave him a chance. This has made all the difference in the world. Thank you!
We love you too, be blessed, appreciate your advice, I have one here on my side but I try to follow your ideas coz it's not easy to break, my fear he can kill his self. But am looking ahead with my life thanks so much.
You are so right ✅ anyone who has ever lived that awful nightmare perfectly knows how right you are 💯
My question is how narcissists are so good pretenting that they care about you? Good video!
Yes I do believe it to be true. "The You Make, Is the you Give" John Lennon. For me after awhile I realized I was tried of feeding the monster I created. "ME" So the NARC lost their important and I knew it was time to leave quietly as I arrived.
Did you mean "The LOVE you make, is the LOVE you give"? You twice left out the word "LOVE".
Maybe that is the REAL problem?
Ugh you are correct, I’ve been focusing on my ex narc and when I need to look at where I contributed to this relationship as well. Thank you
Susan you're the wise older sister that everyone should have
Thank you, Susan. I’ve been with my fiancé for 11 years, although we broke up last year but due to financial reasons, I can’t get away from her at the moment. Every day is an extreme challenge. I’m 39 and she’s 69, so she treats me like I’m her kid! I’ll admit that I’ve struggled in my life financially and she has a lot of money and maybe that’s why I’ve put up with it and latched onto her in the first place, but I really need to then my life around if I’m ever gonna get away from her. She even filed a Protection From Abuse order against me last year and was away from her for 2 months but we have 2 dogs together whom I love with all my heart and they’re my kids so I was able to get her to drop it so I could still be with my dogs. Ever since moving back in with her it’s been getting worse. She’s had all kinds of problems with the neighbors over the years and even has been in court against them. I can tell you so many stories. I tried therapy but it didn’t help. I really need to talk to a relationship expert. I need to quit engaging in arguments with her cuz no matter what, I’m always wrong. Oh, she’s a hoarder and has two houses filled with junk and won’t clean it up. I have to find the strength to get my personal life and finances on track so I can escape her for good!
I dont know where I would be mentally right now had I not found Susan's videos over the weekend. Thank you, Susan. Sincerely.