Break Ups! || Dad Advice || Father Knows Something Podcast
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- Опубликовано: 5 июл 2024
- Welcome back to Father Knows Something! Real People. Real Stories. Real Dad advice with a dash of ADHD, and maybe a couple of millennials chiming in from time to time to add their takes.
This week's episode has Jerry and Justin discussing stories relating to break ups. How do you know when it's time to break up? How do you get over a break up and the potential of what you lost? What do you do for a friendship break up? Help dad and your sibling respond to these write-ins on all of these questions and more..
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Index:
00:00 -- Start
03:07 -- Story 1
10:54 -- Story 2
20:50 -- Story 3
30:36 -- Story 4
41:02 -- Story 5
I will clarify what I was trying to say, if I did not come through the way it was intended. As she feels that she is giving up the love of her life my suggestion was only to see if there was something more to her desire of not having children to help clarify, in her own mind. I’ll make it clear. There is nothing wrong for someone not wanting to go through child rearing, and to remain child free. But let’s go back as life changes over growth from being 23 to 30, desires change, and if she gave up the man of her dreams and life And regret it later I just thought it might be an interesting thing for her to explore for her own information. I was not insinuating at all that she is damaged, or screwed up, or wrong about what her wants or needs are I was simply saying this might be an interesting thing for self discovery.
Thank you for that. It’s great to have the reminder that it’s okay to change your mind as we travel down the path of this journey of life.
I feel like I got what you were saying, although I respect and completely understand how it could be taken as dismissive of her decision to not have children. As a female, I think society has put so much pressure on us to have children and for so long we've just heard "oh, you'll change your mind" that even someone suggesting that they might change their mind is highly triggering. With that said, the writer could change her mind. The boyfriend might also change his mind. There is so much mental and emotional growth you go through in your 20s that really anything could happen. I got married at 23 and I was 100% sure without a doubt I did not want to have children. I was never around kids nor did I ever want to be and I made that clear to my (now) husband. He was OK having children or not. If he has absolutely wanted children, it would've been a deal breaker for me because I assumed I would never change my mind. Then, around 26, I was in a different place in my life. I'd grown professionally and emotionally and I began looking at the idea of children in a new light Now, we have 9-year-old twins (although I am still NOT a kid person--I just liked mine!).
Makes sense. But many women never change their mind. And it's exhausting how society keeps saying You'll Change your mind. I'm 42 and single and have told everyone since I was a teenager I do not ever ever ever wanna have kids. I don't see the appeal I don't rant that for myself. And at 42 I still hear You'll change your mind, or what's wrong with you every women wants kids, or you just say that bc you're single.
I got married at 22. I was completely positive I didn’t want kids. Neither did my husband. We felt strong on that for years. Now I’m 28 and we have a 1 year old. I had very serious reasons for not wanting kids, but something switched for me when I was 26 (gradual process). I would have put money on us never having kids, and through lots of working (personal, emotional, with my husband, etc.) we came to different conclusions. Now we want 2 more. I have friends who will never choose to have kids (totally fine!!) and others who changed their minds like me. Totally get what you’re saying Jerry; and can also see how someone who doesn’t want them might feel disheartened hearing “you might change your mind” again…. But, such is life.
glad to see that morgan jumped in, jerry often misses signs of abuse or narcissism and i think its mostly because his generation didnt talk about it much - but i love when morgan educates him & the audience
To the girl that doesn’t want kids, you did the right thing. I’ve known since I was 10 years old that I do not and will not have kids. I’m 28 now and my thoughts on it never changed. I’m not saying that your mind won’t change, because there’s a possibility that it will! But you know yourself best and you made the best choice for yourself right now. I don’t necessarily think you need therapy to figure out why you don’t want kids, unless it’s really tearing you up inside, but I think you know deep down what you want. Better to be single than resent the person you’re married to or your kids.
Completely agree with your comment. And Justin’s take.
I don't really agree.... I really never wanted kids, my bf suddenly asked me if I really didn't want a child, I told him I don't and he said he is fine with that. Within a year I really wanted a child with him. He is extremely responsible and loving and we work as a team. I'm sure I wouldn't want kids with someone else. We just had a miscariage and we both really want to go for it as soon as possible. If you asked me last year I would say I never wanted kids... Life is crazy sometimes, but of course you may not want them ever!
@@mariambarrow95 okay??? I don’t really care that you don’t agree. You don’t speak for every woman on the internet and especially not this OP. Not everyone has a responsible boyfriend. Not everyone has the financial and mental capacity to take care of a child. Not everyone has a support system. Not everyone’s body can handle a child. You got lucky, but not everyone will. I’ve been with my fiancé for 9 years and i love him to death but I will never have kids with him. People like you are so fucking weird because you sit there and say “you may not want them ever” but in the same breath say you don’t agree with someone who doesn’t want kids.
@@mariambarrow95okay??? I don’t really care that you don’t agree. You don’t speak for all women on the internet and especially not this OP. Not everyone has a responsible partner. Not everyone has the financial and mental capacity for a child. Not everyone has a support system. You got lucky, but not everyone will. I’ve been with my fiancé for 9 years and I love him to death but that has never changed my mind about wanting kids. People like you are so weird because you sit there and say “you may never want them ever” but in the same breath say you don’t agree.
I have to comment on that last story. Jerry is such a sweet guy but I have noticed that he often does not see abuse in a relationship. I think it's great that Jerry can see it outcome where everyone can get along after but when it's an abusive relationship that person knows what they're doing. I've never known and abuser to voluntarily go to therapy to get better. They're doing this because they want to they know it's wrong and they do it anyway. I was happy that Justin popped in and actually used the word abuse because that's what that is. That is a severe level of control that could very easily lead to violence. I also appreciate Morgan coming in at the end and giving that advice because I'm worried for that person too. From what they said it didn't sound like it had gotten violent yet but there's always that next step. This person has been passive up until now but it wouldn't surprise me if this man did step up his anger game to get that control back. He's had it for such a long time and he's not going to want to give that up easily. I hope this person really gets out of that relationship for good. She may have to get a restraining order after she separated. It sucks that there's a child involved because that is going to make things more complicated but the safety of that child is also at play here. I also want to mention even if it never turns to violence this is still abuse and she needs to get out of it.
I had the same feelings going through the episode and I agree with you. I was about to flip but then Morgan came out and said that, thanks!
To the last writter, get a new cellphone and hide it somewhere else, or within the house but then keep it off. Contact your family and your old friends asking for help or even just telling then what you've been through. As soon as you explain your situation, they will understand your absence. Also contact a lawyer to get a restraining order and getting full custody, do as they say -- we don't want your soon-to-be-ex charging you with kidnapping.
Do I sound alarming? He will only get worse, if he hasn't already hit you, he will to assert dominance. If not for you, do it for your baby.
Morgan has talked before about how couples therapy can give the abuser more tactics to work with. I hope OP is safe.
Thank you morgan for coming in at the end, speaking from experience this man is going to lose his shit when he loses control of her . And he's going to try and manipulate her like a mf. Your def right on an escape plan. I was in a really bad relationship that I'm lucky I even got out of. His mother and his brother helped me pretty much escape while he was gone from the house because they knew he was most likely going to end up killing me. After that he tried everything to get me to come back..from saying it will be different, to stalking me, to threatning to kill himself. I hope op gets away and safely
Morgan's message at the end got me in the feels
Story 5: This is an ABUSIVE relationship. Do you have a safe family member or friend? Get your important documents and get a go bag for your son and you together and leave. Go to a shelter. He is abusive and controlling. You don't want to be a statistic. He has already isolated you, monitors your every movement, and he makes you feel insecure about yourself. Your partner has complete control. This is dangerous for your son and for you. This situation can turn deadly. You can not have a productive conversation with him. It is best to leave without him knowing.
I typically haven’t given my two cents on stories but I actually just broke up with a very mentally/emotionally manipulative man last week. My friends and family all believe it would’ve escalated to physical abuse eventually. We met in November of 2023, he swept me off my feet and love bombed me, but insisted that wasn’t the case when I brought it up. Over the last 5 months, he’s been isolating me from my friends, shaming me for my past, trying to control what I post on social media, and so much more. I always thought I’d see the signs of abuse and wouldn’t stay, but it’s hard when you’re in it, when you’re seeing a wonderful loving side of them alongside this terrible, abusive side. I just hope the woman in story 5 gets out, you deserve SO much better. I didn’t get good vibes from the man in story 4 either, but maybe that’s just due to some similarities I noticed between him and my ex. Anyone in romantic relationships, pleaaaase listen to your gut and look out for you. People are here to support you ❤ And thank you for adding that input at the end Morgan, it’s very appreciated ☺️
Quandry is correct, Jerry.
Story 2: Children are hard, complicated, tiring, fun, and stressful. You really have to want children to have them. If you're not 100% sure, then be friends with him as kids are a lifetime commitment as once you have them, you can't go back. You're still quite young. Live your life and if you cross paths again then change your mind about children, maybe it can work out. Trust me, there are other people who will love you and be your perfect person who won't want children. He is the perfect person in your life now.
I came here to say exactly this. OP, if you read this, as someone in their mid 30s, if he's the one, one of you will make a U-turn in life later on. You are young and have HEAPS of time. Keep being honest with your choices and you will go far.
Story no. 5 - He is a Narcissist. You need to get out. This just gave me chills. Please please get out. I am worried about your safety.
Glad to see Morgan's input on Story 5 ♥♥
All I will say about story #2 is that i was really adamant i never wanted kids. Like 100%. But then I met my partner. And now we will have a baby together in the next few yrs. Sometimes you think you dont want kids just because youre scared but you work through your feelings and figure out what you actually want. I think what Jerry meant about the counseling comment is that if the OP was now unsure, they should seek some counseling to figure out their true feelings or now if theyre only doubting due to loosing their partner.
story 2 - he may have been the love of your young life, but he didn't check all of your boxes since you're on different pages about having children - a true soulmate (i believe) would be on the same path, especially when it comes to having kids, as this isn't just a simple decision to make.
i believed i wanted to have kids when i was in my early 20s, but then when i got around to 25, i realized that being a mother was not the life i wanted to live. it was so ingrained into me as a kid that being married and having kids by the time i was 25 was "the right way to go", but I'm so glad that i LISTENED TO MYSELF and started living my life by what /I/ wanted out of it.
you may change your mind when you're older about having kids - your uteurus doesn't automatically shrivel up when you hit your 30s, so you have more than enough time to make the decision on having kids. just remember, it's much kinder to yourself to regret NOT having kids, than to bring in new life into this world and regret having those kids; the children will know if you regret them, even if it's subconsciously.
i appreciate jerry's clarifying comment - there is nothing inherently wrong with you for not wanting children, but it can be a good topic to bring up in therapy in general. i have been in therapy for the last few years and have brought up not wanting children before, and we were able to explore if there was any particular reasoning behind my decision. there's many contributing factors as to why i wouldn't want to be a mom, but the bottom line is - i simply do not want to be responsible for another human life for the rest of my days. and that is OKAY.
op i hope that you make the decision that is best FOR YOU, and don't change your morals/life to please someone else's. live this life how it will best suit YOU
Story 1, did she ever tell him it wasn’t going to last? He should have had the choice to end the relationship a while ago when she knew it was only a temporary relationship
story 4: i was in relationship with a similar person. she had a traumatic past, joined the military, was previously married & divorced. although she was younger than me she had experienced a lot things in life that i hadn’t yet. though she never said it, i could tell that she felt as if i wasn’t experienced enough.
she broke up with me and gave me a laundry list of things that bothered her but she never communicated with me. i was left second guessing myself & thinking what could i have done to make things better or be better.
i’ve been in therapy for a couple months now and trust me, i am sure you did all of the right things in that relationship. i hate that my ex made me feel like i was the problem, when in reality there were a shit load of things that she needed to work through that had NOTHING to do with me. i was unfortunately caught in the crossfire.
it sounds like there’s a lot that your ex needs to work through and it’s best to let them go on that journey. do not forget the person that you are. i was nothing but a supportive & loving partner and it sounds like you were too. try your best to work on accepting that person’s decision & letting them go. it’s still a work in progress for me but i will say i am doing a lot better than i was. you’ve got this 🤍
also, i personally will not be dating anyone from the military from here on out but that’s just me haha.
Jerry gives a positive fatherly prospective love this podcast sure Jerry has seen and witnessed his own abuse from narcissistic relationships and past traumas but still offers the positive side just like a genuine father would as someone who has not had a father for such advice like this it’s refreshing rather than only pointing out negatives to allow people to open their own eyes and see they are in an abusive relationship a father knows that if you start out too strong there then relbellion will set in and push them more together a lot of comments here people saying they were mad at Jerry not pointing that out until Morgan comes in but that’s the point in the fks podcast 😂 a fathers perspective and Morgan is the daughter side they are teaching each other lots of love to Jerry, Justin and Morgan ❤❤❤ you guys are amazing people and as a psychologist masters myself Jerry gives a therapeutic perspective on many of the write ins ❤❤❤
Shout out nightshift ppl ❤
While JandJ were commenting ond story number 5... I JUST KNEW Morgan will pop up, I was waiting for her in the background... And once they finished I WAS GLAD TO SEE HER SO MUCH....
To the OP in story number 5, it sounds like you are in a very, very abusive relationship... Im so sorry that you are going through that. He will never let you gp. You need to leave for the sake of your child and yourself. Please fo not let him know pr suspect that you are leaving. Just go to your family, tell them all the details that were happening over the years and be graphic!!! In that cas if he ever convinces you to make up, your family will be able to talk some sense about the thing... You are more blinded than you can see at the moment.. all the best and good luck ❤
Story 5:
I never comment but came back to comment as I felt like the beginning of this story was about me.
Make your plan even if it’s last minute! I left while he was at work and luckily one of my friends helped me get my things. I wasn’t allowed to have friends or see family. Her answering the phone was my saving grace. (Couldn’t pack my whole life in my beetle either!)
You got this! 💗
Story 5 I very much relate to I am two years out of relationship just like that and he still tries every chance he gets to “have his family back” and when I turn him down I’m insulted and belittled. However, do not let that steer you away from leaving, the sheer joy you will get from being able to be yourself will give you the power you need to overcome any thought of going back. I’m so proud of you for realizing that he’s just not meant for you, a lot of times it takes forever to leave. Yes, lack of the amount of family makes it harder but just work hard and stay focused. Much love!
Yay just washed my hair need to get ready to bring my son to school😍 perfect timing I love ye so much 🥰
story 5: leave! its safer for you and your child. ask you immediate family for help. wish you the best of luck its scary but you and your child deserve more!
Story 3: Jealousy. They are so jealous. Don't bother with them.
I do not agree. DON'T APOLOGISE anymore! Don't chase them. They aren't your friends. They are being bitchy aholes. They are toxic. Be happy with your new job. Look to the positives as they won't bring you happiness or good intentions. If they can't speak to you like adults, you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
I had the exact same situation happen on a girls vacation once. I tried to talk to two out of three of the girls. I had apologised if I had done anything to upset them but they didn't accept my genuine apology and the ring leader said I would have to grovel to her for months before she would accept a friendship with me after not communicating with me - weird for a psych major lol - so I booked other accommodation, enjoyed the rest of my holiday on my own and never talked to them again. They were too much for me. I don't regret cutting them off at all. It seems to be a common occurrence, it's sad that people cannot communicate anymore.
Yeah, eff those girls. Jerry was way too nice about it I could hear Justin seemed to find them my sus. I wish Morgan would have jumped in on this one. It’s weird af to plan to go together, room together and then ditch her and treat her like a monster. Unless she left out something major those two girls have some serious growing up to do and op is better off.
Story 2- I was very adamant that I did not want any children and then I had a surprise pregnancy. Now I just had baby number two and I really truly wouldn’t want it any other way even though before that I was 100% positive I didn’t want kids.
Story 3- don’t chase them if they can’t be mature enough to talk about what you supposedly did wrong there’s no point.. I absolutely hate when people say “ you don’t know what you did and then why should I even tell you?” at that point I don’t even think there is a reason they’re just trying to flip the situation on you because they know what they did was wrong.
Love this channel Jerry! Me and my partner listen and laugh to your silly takes
Story 1: Breakups are going to hurt no matter how gentle you try to be. Here is how I would do it based solely on this situation, I would emphasize that the break up isn’t about him not being enough, and that it isn't that he isn't good enough for me. It is based on that he just isn't right for me and I’m not right for him and that it’s no one's fault and that doesn't take away from all the good parts of the relationship. That nothing he could have done would have made this workout, that there's no failure or regret to hold onto. And I hope he truly understands that the last thing he deserves is to beat himself up over it.
Beyond that, I would just say how I feel while being honest and respectful, and telling him what needs to be said and nothing more.
As for how to move on post-breakup, I would take time to mourn the relationship but make sure to have your support network on standby to keep you busy while you go through the process. My personal favorite way to mourn is to watch sad movies that will help you not feel so alone I recommend Someone Great, also Eat, Pray, Love, and La, La, Land.
Aw I live in Tempe! Love that you guys came down here!
Story 2- OP, there is nothing wrong with you and yes you may change your mind, but chances are you won’t. I’ve known since I was a child I didn’t want to have children. There are lots of wonderful people out there you will find who have your same ethics and morals. I found the most wonderful husband and I can’t imagine being happier.
Story 4-
When people leave the service they leave behind a VERY structured job, its a super hard adjustment for most people. Some thrive after but some flounder. Therapy is a good start. They can learn about what they’re feeling and how to best deal with it. Finding a job with good structural setting could also be helpful.
Oh damn. I read the comments about story 5. It is worse than I thought. Op pack up while he is at work and run leave your phone behind and never look back. Of course he's nicer now. They always are. My sisters bf was super nice when she threaten to leave. She married him and he went straight back to abuse
Story #2: if neither of you changes their mind, you 100% did the right thing. No matter what it’s always going to hit whether you break up now or break up in 10 years. There is no compromise for yes kids and no kids, you two are simply incompatible and frankly, the sooner you rip off the bandage, the sooner you can start healing and finding who you’re truly meant to be with.
*always going to hurt (not hit lol)
Keep it going 🫶🏽
how did you know i’m going through a breakup 😭
Story 5: GIRL YOURE BEING ABUSED
Justin is very shy and awkward lol
Story 2 definitely break up. It's not a thing to compromise on. If op chances thief mind one day that's one thing but being in a relationship knowing your partner is desperate to have kids and you're not one of you will end up resentful and it's not a good idea to have kids and hate that life
Story 4 in the UK if your sent back to war you have no choice but to go at least that's how it used to be otherwise you're technically refusing to take orders for your country which is how they looked at it put the time the law was made so especially in other countries you have to look at this side not countries you can choose to not go to war.
Story 4: I find it a little odd that he begged to move in with you, and then the second that the lease was up, he broke up with you. I would consider whether he just used you to get a home. He is a sh*tbag regardless, let him go.
Where can we write in?
the link is in the description!
Got to say I’m a little disappointed in papa Jerry with story #2. Your suggestions about getting counseling to work through why she doesn’t want kids makes it seem like you’re implying there’s something wrong and to be fixed about not wanting kids.
i think he was referring to OP saying something had happened and had confirmed she didn't want kids- it almost seemed like there might be trauma linked to it? I don't want kids either and never have but i'm pretty sure mine is all linked to trauma lmfao
@@BellaLankedlanked agreed. We don’t have the info if what’s going on with her family is trauma, medical, or some other issue. But she said it added to her resolve, not created it.
Agreed. It should actually be the default. Don't want kids unless you're certain that you do. If you do think about why you do. To make sure you know what you're getting yourself into
@@BellaLankedlankedI never wanted kids no trauma about kids I just don't like them. My bio clock was purring loudly when I hit 40. I see kids and everyone gushes I don't feel a thing don't get it. Show me a cure dog and my heart melts a cat and I wanna make sure they have a home. Children are just future adults I don't get the appeal.
@@stephjovi i dont get the appeal either! i have nephews and all my friends are popping them out. im often more relieved when i leave.