The Shame Of What I'm Not Telling You
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- Опубликовано: 25 янв 2024
- Amazing how shame withers as soon as you shine some light on it. Get access to my guide to Paris at parisinmypocket.com/ and help me make better videos at / jayswanson 🥳
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My name is Jay Swanson - I'm an American writer living in Paris on an artist visa. Paris (yes the one in France) has been my home for years now and I have every intention of staying here for as long as they'll have me. I write science-fiction and fantasy, vlogged daily for 3+ years, and love pizza a little too much. Now I make videos about visiting Paris, traveling in Europe, and try to share what I've learned along the way. I hope you enjoyed what you found.
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I would avoid the expression “burning itch” when talking about romantic relationships, but good luck with that part of your life. You certainly don’t have any obligation to share those parts of your life with us.
Hahaha, fair point
Come on, what potential partner doesn't get turned on by the prospect of a "burning itch"? LOL
lol! 😂
😂😂😂
My experience has proven that romantic connections occur organically. It is true...when you least expect it. The way you touch your beard when contemplating. The way someone will see the wheels turning in your head and falls in love with your mind. The way you frown when perplexed. All these seemingly little things will not be missed by your special person.
🥰
So much to unpack. Feel vloggers like yourself have a limited shelf time as professional athletes do. Been following you for a long time and really don't know how you can sustain this pace and bring new material all the time. It's actually remarkable and praise worthy. Be well
Thanks! The last few years of experimenting with the videos, and working on myself behind the scenes, have really really helped
Thanks for sharing, Jay. You know, sometimes the winter months bring the introspective & retrospective to light so that your spirit, if you will, awakes in the spring when everything bursts to life.
Greatest things you can do, imho, is 1. Give yourself a break and know the you that you are is fantastic, and 2. Keep putting yourself in positions to meet & speak to people, and “the one” that gets the YOU will absolutely arrive.
Trust that advice my man! Now go grab a cappuccino and get out there! Cheers. ☕️
Thanks!
I studied dating and relationships for several years as part of a startup I founded, but in the end, you have to just be ready to be on your own. Longterm Love doesn’t grow from dating, it is more like a lucky spark that coincides with similar trauma/healing levels, combined with coinciding life orbits. You can love yourself and prepare to be loved…but whether you find a good life partner is totally just luck.
I think this is a really wise insight
You remind me a lot of myself 20+ years ago when I was your age. I believe we (men and women) got thru a phase when we may be financially secure or at least comfortable and are ready for the next phase which is finding a partner. A lot of people don't reach this phase and panic - so know that you are fine and a lot better off than others. I know that I went thru this phase and like the cliche, as soon as I kind of gave up, bam, I met someone. I think your time will come, don't stress about it, the magic will happen. You are having a great life with Cooper and good things will come when it is your time.
Thanks for this!
Love all the openness and honesty. I always get a boost from watching one of your videos. Keep up the great work!
Thanks!
Jay, I began watching you many years ago initially for your Vlogs on Paris. Then, I began to see your journey much like one of my sons who lives abroad. You have given me the opportunity to journey along side you(and him) thru the learning that occurs as we strive for adulthood. Thank you for your gift.🙏
It's my pleasure =) Thank you for sticking with me for so long!
I found you out of necessity, I was planning a trip of a lifetime and your work was so helpful in giving me the confidence to navigate Paris. But since then I have just kept watching you because your work is much more personal that just how to get around Paris. You really seem like a great person and my wife and I feel , someone would be blessed to have YOU in THEIR life!
I'm glad you guys stuck around! It was never really a project about Paris, she just likes to take center stage as she's able 😆
I have been watching for years and just want your happiness!!!!! I remember when you took a small step away and you were so missed!!!! Do what makes YOU happy 🥰
Thank you Susan =)
Wow I'm shocked the "loving yourself" vid wasnt very popular. That was my favorite of yours in a long time, but maybe thats because i resonated so much.
I think I did a pretty bad job titling it to be honest haha - so much rides on the title and thumbnail. Gotta continue improving that game. But thank you! I'm really glad it resonated =)
Sometimes saying the words out loud "I am ready to meet someone" will make it happen. I was alone for many years, and when I was finally ready I said the words out loud - like you have - and literally met the person I have been married to for the last 10 years within two weeks of saying the words and actually meaning them (two different things). Contrary, knowing that you can thrive as an individual (which you have) without someone else in your life leaves one with the knowledge that they are enough, even without a partner. Excited to see your life going in so many good directions!!
That's wonderful =) I'm fortunate enough to have arrived at a place where I know I can not only survive alone, but I'm beginning to thrive. I wouldn't exchange my current life for one with the 'wrong' partner under any circumstances - even if it meant dividing dog walking duties 😂 - but I think I'm ready and definitely willing to make space for someone that will augment what I've got going 🥂 Thanks for coming along for the ride!
Thanks for your videos. Fantastic content and love Cooper!
He's a keeper!
I’m very interested to hear more about the financial side of things and running a business in France!
Also, on the romance side of things, obviously I don’t know you, but I have a feeling the people close to you would probably agree that it is so obvious that you have put a lot of work into yourself, your life, your current relationships whether that be friendships, business partnerships/employees, family, or even with Cooper. The current dating scene (in Paris but also everywhere) is a nightmare. Trust me when I say that you are a CATCH and are doing all the right things to make yourself a great partner! 😊
Your comment literally spawned a text seconds later from a friend with a screenshot attached who said "In case I haven't told you before, you are a total catch." 😂
@@JaySwanson well isn't that funny😂glad I could accidentally spawn a little bit of extra laughter and positivity into your day! You deserve it!
Wonderful advice! Thank you for communicating and sharing! I am excited to actualize your advice! 🙃
My pleasure =D
Really good. Appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
Thanks!
Put it into the light. Good advice- whether it’s good or bad it will be Ok. Thanks cheers merci 🇫🇷🇺🇸🥂
Always! I have a lot of fears that hold me back, and it's time to move them into the light as much as I can
Thanks, Jay, that is about the healthiest thing I’ve ever heard. Just got to let go of the baggage and let in the light. All the best, hugs to Coop
Yo, I watched the love yourself video three times and it kicked my ass. Cried every time. I found it thoughtful and insightful and it obviously hit home. It’s hard work and maybe people aren’t into that. I’m really enjoying your daily content, whatever that may entail.
Thank you so much! I'm really grateful you've been along for so much of the ride =)
Shame. Oof, I'm realizing that I need to dive into it and am really dragging my feet... feels like one of the harder (hardest?) things to get a handle on, but also, maybe the most important? Thanks so much for sharing all that you are here, I think it probably helps others more than you know.
Thanks for watching and leaving a comment =) All I can really hope is that in figuring myself out, it helps a few others along the way.
Can't wait for my third trip to Paris in less than 2 weeks 🥰
Hope you have a blast!
Daily vids give me somethng to look forward to which is nice. Makes me miss traveling in Europe.
Happy to share!
Wishing you all the best with love!
Thank you =D
I sense that we had very similar religious upbringings, mine exacerbated by both parents working for the church and being female. I officially cut ties when I was 18-years-old and struggled for decades with the idea of wishing I could just get over it/forget about it. I realize now that I'll never forget about it, and that's fine. I spent so much time being ashamed of that church affiliation. I'm now proud of that past affiliation because it made me a more tolerant person, a kinder person, a more understanding person, etc. I'm proud that I was able to extricate myself from a toxic, hypocritical mess. I hope that insight makes you feel more peaceful. You've created a wonderful community here and look to be getting some strong support. Honored to be part of it with my little comment.
I'm very honored you'd leave a comment! I've got a lot to dig through in my past as well but, like you said, it's a part of me and I'm learning to stand on my own two feet in the midst of it all. Glad you've made your own way 🥂
I love the garage monologue style! I'm starting to compose video and am taking some inspiration from your daily posts.
With the line of work that I do, everyone talks about the importance of "personal brand." In short, I admire your personal brand. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably with everyone.
PS - I share some of your innate feelings that I'm still in therapy for. I was in Christianity in college (The Navigators, if anyone knows about collegiate ministries 😅) and am slowly recovering
Thanks so much =) And I remember the Navigators haha. So many clubs that crossed paths - and so much damage in their wake. Thankfully we're living in an era where we can connect and talk about it openly and things like therapy are mainstream (and if they aren't fully, we can normalize them and push them forward for the betterment of us all). Happy that I can share a bit of my journey with you and hope that it's helpful in some small way =)
Thanks for sharing Jay, and for advocating self awareness and mental health. Growing isn't always comfortable and sometimes it's just painful. It can make a person resist being vulnerable ever again, but once you realize that real connection comes from vulnerability (while not sacrificing boundaries or values) your life becomes richer for it. Find someone who you can be your whole self with. Someone who loves you for you, and who you never get tired of seeing smile. Bonne chance, mon ami.
I applaud you for your honesty and integrity with your life and the experiences that you have had. Introspective work is a wonderful and painful thing but needed to grow. We all have our issue, issues from our families, or past experiences, that make us who we are today, but we can change, learn and grow. The incredible thing called life, living it while embracing your own unique journey. Bravo Jay and thank you..... Hugs from Palm Springs
Thanks for being so kind =) I'm really leaning into all of it to get closer to loving and simply being myself. Crazy how high a bar that is to clear, but I think it's the goal that matters most for me right now.
It is a wonderful, yet at times a painful goal. But it is a process. A process unique to you Jay. Allow it to unfold organically, as you live you life but most importantly, always remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. Just be and enjoy the moments..... @@JaySwanson
Just here to leave a comment and say once more , we LOVE these videos 🧚🏻♂️
Thank you :D
I would 100% date Jay. In a very sincere way, I think your genuine and wholehearted approach is wonderful. Thank you for your vlogs
I've learned that people who take time to work on themselves prior to getting into serious relationships have much healthier relationships in the long run. With themselves and their significant others. Especially when they are still working through personal theologies and mindsets. If I can share one nugget that may help you or someone else, it would be this...Guilt is believing you made a mistake, and shame is believing you are the mistake. Shame keeps people bound most easily when kept hidden or secret. Opening up to others in these areas will allow us all to see our true identity/worth and the situation with more clarity. We all make mistakes, but we are intact, whole, worthy human beings who occasionally do something in which we learn not to do again. Loving all your sharing with us! Keep up the great work!
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First I love your channel... And u habe surpass just ahowing how u live in paris. I love the evolve of hard times and the real deal of yiur life in Paris. Having a relationship wil show how u have progress with the work on self. It'll happen and u deserve slow love. All good things manifesting this year! ❤❤❤
Thanks!
1. That self love video was brilliant and honest 2. It’s corny but - the right kind of person for you will pop around / happen. Why? I know because it happened to me after failed relationships- I had to work on myself for some time and the one that I never knew existed was the one for me. And I waited for years for this kinda guy lol. Friends first and then developed. It happens I guess when you’re ready. And it seems to me, you’re ready to find that special someone. I’m cheering you on mate!
Thank you!! So happy to hear you found your person!
Bravo! You’re not insane…more like, brilliantly real! It is lovely that you have the courage to share the darker aspects of your inner journey, along with the lighter; and, personally, I’d like to consider the possibility that the more transparent we are capable of being outwardly, the more enlightened is our “Self”-understanding….and thus, the more at peace we can become with our “reality”.
I like to believe that relationships give us the opportunity to see ourselves from different angles; and that, if we stay present, we can see what pushes our buttons, (good or less good). Then, rather than blame someone else for their power to influence our state of mind, we begin to understand the gift they are actually giving us: the ability to see where, and maybe why, we give them that power. Perhaps, the truth is that it’s never “them”, and always “us”. If the Universe is what I’d like it to be, then the time will always arrive where one’s inner soul is ready, and the person most needed to be in a relationship with, in order to heal and grow, will appear…and may simply be, at the core, a recreation of an earlier relationship…offering, now, the opportunity to change perspectives; to heal, and to either move on, or stay….whichever empowers the soul the best.
I feel that your thoughts and self questioning probably serve as a guide and inspiration to many who resonate with your channel. Those who don’t find it so, may leave, and find other channels they resonate with better…but…you obviously “speak” to many. I, at least, find much in your sharing, to feed my own soul…and for that, I am immensely grateful. Thank you!
Thank YOU 🥰
First, let me say I really did/ do enjoy the garage monologues. You and your friend rakk about some interesting topics in them. Second, your transparency is refreshing. My recommendation is to talk about what you want, when you are comfortable. No pressure. Definately no shame. Thanks for being you. Third, i also appreciate the "non recommendation". I hope you gave the restaurant you honest feedback. Maybe the will invite you back after stepping up their game. Take care😊
Thanks! And yeah, here's hoping they up their game - rough night haha
I still stand by bouillon for the price. The cheapest menu can be fast food level prices for something far more proper. The closest Chartier to me also never has a queue.
I should speak more about problems, but it can get very complicated.
It is definitely the price-sensitive option 🥂
As someone that's gone through the deconstruction process from an evangelical background, I feel I can empathise with how you feel about and relate to yourself because the way I've heard you talk about it seems simliar to what I've been through. I don't have too much advice but know the feeling of struggling with your own self worth around relationships, sex, finance, etc because of the lessons I learnt about these things during my formative years. Can't recommend therapy enough, I've found it particularly useful to have one that has their own experience leaving a similar community because it's surprising even 10 years on for me now, how deep those beliefs sink. Keep up the good work and I'm enjoying the London content, you definitely must give Bristol (I'm biased) a try at some point!
need garage monologues. k, thanks. lol
What to share is a very personal thing. But given what you said about feeling better having shared - along with the title of this video - it seems it's something you feel would be better sharing. Either way, feel good about what you decide is best for you.
I find that bringing things into the light relieves them of their power - which is one of the great lessons of my vlogging career and why I'm so grateful I've stuck with it =)
@@JaySwanson Totally agree with you, 100%!
You don’t have to share everything all the time. Especially as it comes to relationships. Go ahead, Keep us in the dark until you are ready to take your relationship to the next level. 🌴🌴Aloha
I feel there are lines for any social media regarding how much a person wants or needs to share. Parasocial relationships are not all inclusive so by all means maintain privacy in whatever areas of your life you choose to. There should be no expectations of anyone watching or engaging
Totally feel this. I'll be setting my boundaries and sticking to them. Gotta keep it as healthy as I can for exactly that reason
Funny, I have a delivery from Amazon today- Lindsay last book! 8:39
awesome!
Thank you for having principles and standing by them in all areas of life. Although not the main point of the vlog, Bouillon (Gds Bvds) slightly underwhelmed me , even at that price point, though ambiance was great.
Yeah, it's a tricky one because it's a fun vibe and it's cheap - so it definitely hits the spot for certain people. But if the bar is "I really want to go back" then I should probably remove it
It’s interesting being a human isn’t it. You seem like a good one. What you’ve done with your life is amazing. I hope you know that.
Thank you =)
My wife and I live in Lille, France north west of Paris, and I am starting a video animation business here going business to business selling services. It has been fairly easy to get clients so far because I already had built a business abroad. So, the only additional thing is the language. Business is universal everywhere in the world
I think there's a ton there to talk about for sure! Just a few little internal barriers left to overcome (and maybe a little imposter syndrome ha)
Bonjour Jay!
Regarding recommendations, have you ever been to Le Bistrot du Peintre in the 11th? Just wondering how you would rate it, as we eat there whenever we visit Paris. It would be nice to know where it rates in your view of Paris restaurants as we really don’t get to go to many places to compare. We hope to expand our range next time we are in town. Cheers!
If you’re having a burning itch, get it checked.
😂
First thanks for posting videos everyday, its like therapy for me. lol the truth is there is no perfect relationship, if you want to date go for it. I will recommend you don't share to much of it on your youtube channel. However, have fun and just be yourself. Looking forward to more different videos and great places to eat, Merci
I for one appreciate the honesty, re: restaurant. It’s been awhile since I’ve been here and boy!!! You have lost weight:)🎉
How are your parents doing in US?
Welcome back! Thanks, and they're doing well =)
The language is a rather large barrier, I think. I wouldn't be sure how to go about it because the way that initial contact in NL differs so, so much. I wouldn't know what to do in France. That said, never expect the lightning to strike... It happens when you least expect it.
Unless you send up a kite in a thunderstorm... 😆
@@JaySwanson😂
nothing (especially sex and finances) is evil! keep moving forward - at your own pace. speak of what you can and want to. it is interesting to hear the (honest) you! happy Friday! when and if you find romance you'll know.
Thank you! Lots of growth on this front in my future to be sure haha
Degustibus non disputandum est. There probably weren't a lot of restaurant reviewers in Ancient Rome. As to the earlier part of the video, have you tried flotation (what was originally called the isolation tank)? If intrigued even slightly, you will find all you need to know in a book entitled The Deep Self by John C. Lilly. Both Lilly and James Thurber helped me tremendously. But -- degustibus etc.
I appreciate your discretion about romance. We're submerged in lewdness these days. I'm all for the true meaning of romance, and hope you can find a great lady, a good match.
Bad restaurants in Paris ? That can happen, you know !
And yes, I did watch your vlog about loving yourself !
👍🏻😁 suggestion : watch TED Talk Dr Brene Brown, she studies shame & vulnerability. She can shine a brilliant light into the darkness of the heart. Amazing info, especially on a journey of self discovery. 🙏❤️
Overcoming childhood conditioning is so hard. It's not just changing the way you think, it's almost like trying to overcome your neurology. But I think you're right - first, awareness, then bringing it to light with those you trust are the most productive steps. I like your vlogs on topics like these as you're very self-aware without being a navel-gazer!
Thanks! And yes to the neurology element - something I've learned a LOT about over the last few years and will share when I'm ready.
Would be interesting to know your MBTI type. Guessing INTJ. Great thought provoking content.
Close! Swap that I for an E
Jay - for those of us that care about you - please know that you are allowed to keep parts of your life private. While we certainly love and are interested in hearing about whatever you choose to share publicly. Do not feel like you have to share everything. ♥️🙏🏻🇫🇷
Let's be honest, apart from those relationships early in our adult (or even teenage) life, being "ready" to enter a meaningful partnership is for me about: 1. loving yourself, 2. timing, 3. having achieved a certain "satisfactory" level of progress in your career which comes usually with a certain level of comfort (financial among else). The latter is not a cliché. It is true that having settled the basics in your life you can enter a relationship without various disrupting factors (like I have to go after that side hustle to make that extra buck) sabotaging your psychological resilience and threshold of "giving" to your partner.
That seems like a helpful framework to me. Loving myself has been the biggest barrier to everything - happy I've made strides there above all.
LOL😂
I've been lurking on your channel for a while but I think this is my first comment. I appreciate your openness and how you're willing to share your life, and I relate to that lingering shame from belief systems that are in your past. I don't have any advice but I wanted to say, thanks for talking about it!
And thank YOU for stepping out of the shadows and into the comment section :)
... and I decided to make a typo in the comment that Jay chose to show to the whole world :)
😈😈😈
If you're insane, so am I. I've been putting my issues out there for people to see.
As it turns out, there's a huge demand to talk about it. So I, for one, am glad you're doing this.
Thanks! I think it's important to reconnect and normalize being human. Especially with the absurd amount of rich-people-do-stuff aspirational content out there to compare ourselves to
Well, your video on self-esteem may have been viewed less because it affords thinking about oneself. That can hurt a lot. Especially after the holidays and at the beginning of a new year.
I hope i dont sound blunt...but probably will😊 its funny how to see such a big difference in americans and europeans. Therapists seem to be natural solution for lifes problems. Europeans tend to face it alone more i feel. Nothing wrong with both. But i feel you run into walls a lot . Sorry to see you strugle so much. But dont forget that we all strugle in life. Its supposed to be a strugle😅. Growing up is hard, but growing up doesnt stop when we are older. But my unasked advice is " life is al about perspective". You lay the problems of romance and finance in the past. But please dont. Often you fool yourself in thinking that. Because its easier to lay responsability in the past than with ourselves. The past defines who you are but not dictates who you will be .....and you my dear sir 😊 live in Paris, have dedicated friends, have a great 4 legged pall have a youtube channel....and people send you money for nothing basicaly 😁. Romance cant be forced and i believe comes when it comes. Finance well you still live in Paris 😂 . Please dont overthink life. You cant change the past , you cant (i think 😂) see the future......dont worry you are doing great in the present.
@@user-kh4yu1yb8l wow...ok.
@@user-kh4yu1yb8l im sorry i dont sugarcoat my comments....its life. Life is blunt ....
Hey Martijn, actually I think in this instance you can't group Europe as a non-therapy continent. In France especially, many people go to therapy, from children to adult - about 30% of the population. Also, I share only sliver into my life on RUclips, remember that. And I don't mind bluntness, by all means, be blunt, but just because one is blunt doesn't mean one is correct - it is still your singular opinion - best not to treat any one opinion as fact.
@@JaySwansoncorrect i used european stats. French stats are equal to the us. Althoug 10% higher as the european average. And ofcourse my comment is not about being right or wrong . But has to do with my experience coping with past things,present things and seeing and knowing peoples problems on all facets of life. My bad if i make it out as trying to be right. Thats absolutely not the case . But following you for what is about 2/3 years now some things reoccur . And thats ofcourse again only what i see and you tell. Nonetheless i wish you encounter a peacefull and stable future you deserve it.
I’ve learned a lot about finances from Dave Ramsey show. ❤❤❤
Finances and Romance. Deficient in both so can’t relate lol jk
Is no one else here to take the opening to hit on Jay? I will shoot my shot.. a bit more publicly than I'd like. :) Based on your videos, we have a lot in common but of course you know nothing about me so that's weird.. I find you swell. How does a stranger hit on you without it being bizarre? Some commonalities.. American in France (boomerang, back for round 2 and plans to live in Europe henceforth), multi-time expat, former volunteer in a developing country, dog owner, runner, age-ish (38), no desire for kids..
I thought of the solution. Make videos in french!! :)
I think you're the type that might not be good at compromising and think more analytically and less about feelings. Being vulnerable is tough for you.
Yep
I would love to see you find a partner and be happy together. It's ok if you don't want to share that with us though.
I'd love to see that too haha
You are going to get so much dating advice now. :P
The real danger in sharing 😂
Quote of the Day: “I’m going to go home and go to bed now.”
I am enjoying seeing you here more often. Any chance to see Cooper’s long legs makes my day.
He's basically a short-necked giraffe
Jay, Buddy, Please Don't Make this about sexuality. Speaking for your US viewers, in your absence things have changed here. We have been barraged with Identity. Truth is No one cares. What? Ya nobody talks about it anymore. No declaration needed, you are accepted just the way you are. Next thing is We have all had that friend or co-worker that has supplemented themselves into A worse spot (Sailing La Vagabond). You have just had the most amazing year, your career trajectory is off the charts. Just don't get in the way of it. Just be Jay thats what people are looking for, nobody wants another Neistat. Protien Shakes make you wierd.
😂
Bro, you need to find a partner who is ready for a child. Then your world goes upside down. Good luck!!
No kids thanks 😂
"Knowledge is being aware of what you can do. Wisdom is knowing when not to do it." --Motivation