This was happening 7 months into my "relationship" with my ex. It would take another 29 months for me to be done. I finally left him. Physically emotionally and spiritually checked out.
Thank-you for explaining about closing the heart. I needed these words to explain my feelings after finding out my ex-husband was in love with someone else. When confronting him, he came at me with his fists balled up and a face full of rage and denied it. I just shut down emotionally. I kept trying to stay in the marriage, but I paid a big price until I could finally leave the marriage.
this is so my mother, she was completely selfish and I blew up at her finally and that was it. Same as my brother. None of them try, none of them care, they just use people until they're all used up then discard them and go get new people to suck the life out of
I'm not a psychologist but besides being the scapegoat, I have been my family's therapist but every time I needed someone to listen to me, they told me to go to a psychologist and a therapist can help me to cope with their rejection but no one can fix my relationship with them if they don't want to and reject me. It gets to a point you are empty and have nothing to give anymore because they drained you dry.
@@Lyrielonwind Counting on people with unresolved trauma thst lack self reflection is self sabotaging dont do it. Besides self absorption they.have nothing to offer. Make new friends become aware of your past traumas. When we were raised by narcisists we tend to attract takers that dont know how to reciprocate.
@@musicbrazilian7065 I know but making healthy friendships is harder nowadays and more if you are not young anymore. I'm conscious about my traumas and I'm trying to heal and be more conscious about some traits I thought they were mine but are trauma responses like people's pleasing. That makes me a magnet for narcissists and fighting it feels weird like if you are going against your nature when it's not. I like how Tim describes the fight between your limbic brain and your rational brain. It's real. I took the Myers Briggs test and it seems my personality type is INFJ which makes it easier to understand myself but although we can be great friends we don't get along with most of the other personality types and we usually end up alone because we just can't deal with fake or shallow people. Have a great day ☺️💜☘️
Agreed. I spent farrrrr too many years of my adult life chasing their love and to have them see me for who i am. It was a joke. I really regret doing that to myself. If they can't connect they can't connect. Don't warp your entire psyche and life to try n fit a square peg in a round hole. It's just not gonna happen. And the amount of damage you do to yourself in the process just isn't worth the scraps of recognition you do get from them. Rebuild yourself and surround yourself with safe people who DO value you. It was all their issues, not anything you did. You weren't rejecting _you_, you're just asking the wrong person for the wrong thing yknow? They're messed up. Doesn't mean you still have to be. 💗
Im so grateful for your channel. Thanking you from my heart! Can you please make a serie of selflove, a relationship with yourself. How can we stop escaping ourselves? How can we feel good, worthy and loveable?
Not mentioning my original complex trauma with my family, the worst I ever had, my last relationship ended because my partner punished me with silent treatment for no reason during months while I was asking what did I do wrong, still no answer and he pushed it so bad that when I went abroad with a four months with a scholarship, after a month I realized I didn't miss him at all. I realized I called him because I felt I had to do it but still he wasn't able to communicate with me. That's how silence treatment can end up everything just because he wanted me to feel guilty about nothing. Manipulation can back fire.
Did Gottman class 25 years ago. Should have left marriage then. Husband just got skills on how to abuse me more, manipulate, and gaslight etc. Addiction isn't a relationship that can be fixed 😢
I don’t want to hurt my husband… but I don’t care anymore. I’m not angry… I’ve just tried and tried and tried some more, and now my “try-er” is completely empty. I’m trying to figure out where to go from here. 42 years married (if you can call it that)… I’ve been a stay-at-home mom (now grandmom) all my life… but I don’t care anymore.
It's the fact they don't care if they hurt you which makes you feel unloved, yet it is they who accuse you of being unloving or uncaring if you leave them💔
Not all the way through watching, maybe just over half way, but having done a significant amount of work on betrayal and infidelity I would say while I can absolutely identify with a lot in here. Anger and closed hearts are an absolutely understandable protective mechanism of the betrayed and no one should feel guilty for it, which I feel this potentially could do! If the betrayer wishes there to be an improvement in the relationship then it is up to them to change and make it so. Communication clear and lots of help and work to bring an open heart to help the betrayed’s heart to open and trust again. This takes time. No it’s not a great idea to start deep conversations poorly however, to expect a betrayed to be perfect and on their best behaviour after the betrayer has acted out and completely broken all trust, this I believe would be handled and dealt with in a very different and delicate way.
That's true, but if a betrayer wants to overcome the mistrust they've created, they need to do something to bring healing and trust back into the relationship. So often that takes time and patience.
@@taspany and this is a response of a narcissist! Nowhere did I say that it says in the video anyone should feel guilty. I’m sorry, but the ignorance in your comment is just that. How a betrayed feels depends on the situation they are in and also the work they have undertaken. But one thing many betrayeds do feel is guilt and shame for many reasons, rightly or wrongly. They will feel guilty for things like choosing that spouse in the first place, choosing them to be a parent with them, certain things they perhaps didn’t do and could have. I’m not sure of your position in this situation but I pray you bring more understanding and compassion if you are involved in infidelity. If you are, I am so very sorry you are here because of that but your response to my comment is completely unhelpful.
I think then what needs to be asked is… is my opinion/perspective rational and true? Because people in/from CT will think this of someone who’s healthy. But it will infact be their own projection of their own behaviours.
My heart closed after 4 years of marriage. We could never talk about hard topics; my ex-husband would accuse me starting arguments, storm and rage, threaten to divorce me, try to kill himself, and go have a b-fest with his family, where they would agree that I was the culprit so he should divorce me. I felt so scared and alone. Finally, I divorced him 2 years later (The last straw was him putting his hands on me.).... I still care about him, but he can go cause drama with someone else now.
Your partner has to resolve the addition first, in my opinion. I was married to an addict and nothing I did was of any help because he didn't want to change until I started to get sick over and over again. It gets to a point is a matter of life or death for the codependent.
I was an addict. I'm 6 years clean. Take it from me...(and I don't mean to be harsh, but I must be blunt, ok?) His concern is NOT you or your thoughts and feelings. His concern is his drug of choice. YOU have to be strong now and walk away. Leave him to him. Goodluck
Still , iv been lonely and not connected with my partner but still could never cheat . I guess it’s black and white ying Yang . Evil , you don’t do it you think about the other person and how your gonna live with it .. tell them first or leave period
You could be correct but two years is not a long time, especially in the context of a long term relationship. I myself am at the year and a half point from the day I learned of my husband's infidelity and all the lies to protect it. In all honesty most times it still hurts just as much as it did the day I learned. But then I do have a long and difficult past beginning as a toddler who was molested and beat until I was around 9 and then manipulated into a sexual relationship at 12 with a forty year old man amongst numerous other things, so I am far from the norm. But they do say that infidelity in marriage can take an equal amount of time to heal as the relationship was long before the infidelity. So if you were together for 7 years before you cheated, it can take up to another 7 years before your relationship will be healed... idk how accurate that is but out of those who've experienced this that I have spoken with about this have all tended to agree that it takes 5-10 years to truly heal from marital infidelity.❤
An affair is something that your partner will NEVER recover from. They might say they forgive you, but that's a betrayal and hurt that can't be described. It isn't worth the faithful partners effort.
Surely a lack of trust and respect is a good reason for anyone to close their heart? Not just complex trauma? My therapist said that sometimes we come out guns blazing and say something intentionally that can’t be repaired in order to eject someone who isn’t good for us away from us. This type of anger can be the only way to remove some people when nice communication doesn’t work.
The way I see it, the lists aren't actually intended to be lists, it's just a way for Tim to structure the ideas he wants to talk about. You're not being quizzed on this stuff, it's ok to just take what you need from what he's talking about and leave the rest.
you have saved my life tim. my family’s life. My whole family lineage will be forever changed by you. I am so grateful thank you
yes mine too! thank you time for all the work that you do. you are healing generations
@decoybc1 we are breaking so much generational trauma. 🙌 IT STOPS HERE! IT ENDS WITH ME!
Thank you, Tim! My adult children are very grateful
“Loss of trust and respect..the only solution is to close the heart.”
This was happening 7 months into my "relationship" with my ex.
It would take another 29 months for me to be done.
I finally left him.
Physically emotionally and spiritually checked out.
Thank-you for explaining about closing the heart. I needed these words to explain my feelings after finding out my ex-husband was in love with someone else. When confronting him, he came at me with his fists balled up and a face full of rage and denied it. I just shut down emotionally. I kept trying to stay in the marriage, but I paid a big price until I could finally leave the marriage.
I started crying,it was so relatable for me
I hear you. Same here. I wish you find strength and comfort, and healing.
Yep that’s pretty much how it goes for us crazy’s
this is so my mother, she was completely selfish and I blew up at her finally and that was it. Same as my brother. None of them try, none of them care, they just use people until they're all used up then discard them and go get new people to suck the life out of
I'm not a psychologist but besides being the scapegoat, I have been my family's therapist but every time I needed someone to listen to me, they told me to go to a psychologist and a therapist can help me to cope with their rejection but no one can fix my relationship with them if they don't want to and reject me. It gets to a point you are empty and have nothing to give anymore because they drained you dry.
@@Lyrielonwind Counting on people with unresolved trauma thst lack self reflection is self sabotaging dont do it. Besides self absorption they.have nothing to offer. Make new friends become aware of your past traumas. When we were raised by narcisists we tend to attract takers that dont know how to reciprocate.
@@musicbrazilian7065
I know but making healthy friendships is harder nowadays and more if you are not young anymore. I'm conscious about my traumas and I'm trying to heal and be more conscious about some traits I thought they were mine but are trauma responses like people's pleasing. That makes me a magnet for narcissists and fighting it feels weird like if you are going against your nature when it's not.
I like how Tim describes the fight between your limbic brain and your rational brain. It's real.
I took the Myers Briggs test and it seems my personality type is INFJ which makes it easier to understand myself but although we can be great friends we don't get along with most of the other personality types and we usually end up alone because we just can't deal with fake or shallow people.
Have a great day ☺️💜☘️
Agreed. I spent farrrrr too many years of my adult life chasing their love and to have them see me for who i am.
It was a joke. I really regret doing that to myself.
If they can't connect they can't connect. Don't warp your entire psyche and life to try n fit a square peg in a round hole. It's just not gonna happen.
And the amount of damage you do to yourself in the process just isn't worth the scraps of recognition you do get from them.
Rebuild yourself and surround yourself with safe people who DO value you.
It was all their issues, not anything you did.
You weren't rejecting _you_,
you're just asking the wrong person for the wrong thing yknow?
They're messed up.
Doesn't mean you still have to be. 💗
Im so grateful for your channel. Thanking you from my heart!
Can you please make a serie of selflove, a relationship with yourself. How can we stop escaping ourselves? How can we feel good, worthy and loveable?
Not mentioning my original complex trauma with my family, the worst I ever had, my last relationship ended because my partner punished me with silent treatment for no reason during months while I was asking what did I do wrong, still no answer and he pushed it so bad that when I went abroad with a four months with a scholarship, after a month I realized I didn't miss him at all.
I realized I called him because I felt I had to do it but still he wasn't able to communicate with me.
That's how silence treatment can end up everything just because he wanted me to feel guilty about nothing. Manipulation can back fire.
It often works out for the target when they've had enough and walk away.
Yes. Seems to me that manipulation always backfires.
Absolutely amazing talk!
But a little scary because it fully and perfectly outlines the decline of my relationship 😢
I love this channel. Extremely helpful videos, they are well organized and covering many things. Thank you!
Really got a lot from this. Thanks Tim. Got me thinking to my relationship with my parents and my relationship with myself.
Did Gottman class 25 years ago. Should have left marriage then. Husband just got skills on how to abuse me more, manipulate, and gaslight etc. Addiction isn't a relationship that can be fixed 😢
I’m in a 23 year marriage, and he’s completely destroyed me
I don’t want to hurt my husband… but I don’t care anymore. I’m not angry… I’ve just tried and tried and tried some more, and now my “try-er” is completely empty. I’m trying to figure out where to go from here. 42 years married (if you can call it that)… I’ve been a stay-at-home mom (now grandmom) all my life… but I don’t care anymore.
It's the fact they don't care if they hurt you which makes you feel unloved, yet it is they who accuse you of being unloving or uncaring if you leave them💔
Bless you. You are resilient
Praying for you.
I'm in this place, too. 25 years married, and I'm done.
What do you do for just you, you, yourself and you? That's always a good side of you to feed, that part of you that is just you. Hugs
Not all the way through watching, maybe just over half way, but having done a significant amount of work on betrayal and infidelity I would say while I can absolutely identify with a lot in here. Anger and closed hearts are an absolutely understandable protective mechanism of the betrayed and no one should feel guilty for it, which I feel this potentially could do! If the betrayer wishes there to be an improvement in the relationship then it is up to them to change and make it so. Communication clear and lots of help and work to bring an open heart to help the betrayed’s heart to open and trust again. This takes time. No it’s not a great idea to start deep conversations poorly however, to expect a betrayed to be perfect and on their best behaviour after the betrayer has acted out and completely broken all trust, this I believe would be handled and dealt with in a very different and delicate way.
Nowhere in the video did I hear anyone should feel guilty. But in that state we can't heal and that's a fact
That's true, but if a betrayer wants to overcome the mistrust they've created, they need to do something to bring healing and trust back into the relationship. So often that takes time and patience.
I completely agree.
@@taspany and this is a response of a narcissist! Nowhere did I say that it says in the video anyone should feel guilty. I’m sorry, but the ignorance in your comment is just that. How a betrayed feels depends on the situation they are in and also the work they have undertaken. But one thing many betrayeds do feel is guilt and shame for many reasons, rightly or wrongly. They will feel guilty for things like choosing that spouse in the first place, choosing them to be a parent with them, certain things they perhaps didn’t do and could have. I’m not sure of your position in this situation but I pray you bring more understanding and compassion if you are involved in infidelity. If you are, I am so very sorry you are here because of that but your response to my comment is completely unhelpful.
@@thebluebutterfly5177 except you literally say it but both your initial text sheet and your disgusting response show you're not to be taken seriously
Thanks!
God bless you, Tim Fletcher! ❤
🥰 thank you Tim 🙏🌍🇩🇰⚘️
Thank you 🙏🌺
I hear you, that is where I am at.
Just described the breakdown of my marriage
Mine, too.
Thank you 🙏🏽
39:00 Finally!
My only recource now is to close my heart.
I think then what needs to be asked is… is my opinion/perspective rational and true?
Because people in/from CT will think this of someone who’s healthy. But it will infact be their own projection of their own behaviours.
My heart closed after 4 years of marriage. We could never talk about hard topics; my ex-husband would accuse me starting arguments, storm and rage, threaten to divorce me, try to kill himself, and go have a b-fest with his family, where they would agree that I was the culprit so he should divorce me. I felt so scared and alone. Finally, I divorced him 2 years later (The last straw was him putting his hands on me.).... I still care about him, but he can go cause drama with someone else now.
What if you tried to open up before and it did not work how many times do we open and close hearts ??? Especially when the partner is an addict ??
Your partner has to resolve the addition first, in my opinion. I was married to an addict and nothing I did was of any help because he didn't want to change until I started to get sick over and over again. It gets to a point is a matter of life or death for the codependent.
I was an addict.
I'm 6 years clean.
Take it from me...(and I don't mean to be harsh, but I must be blunt, ok?)
His concern is NOT you or your thoughts and feelings.
His concern is his drug of choice.
YOU have to be strong now and walk away.
Leave him to him.
Goodluck
Still , iv been lonely and not connected with my partner but still could never cheat . I guess it’s black and white ying Yang . Evil , you don’t do it you think about the other person and how your gonna live with it .. tell them first or leave period
brutal, but necessary
John Gottman, yes!
1000% nail on the head... two years since my affair... Inaddition, she developed a facial upper lip/nose sneer tick... in trouble.
You could be correct but two years is not a long time, especially in the context of a long term relationship. I myself am at the year and a half point from the day I learned of my husband's infidelity and all the lies to protect it. In all honesty most times it still hurts just as much as it did the day I learned. But then I do have a long and difficult past beginning as a toddler who was molested and beat until I was around 9 and then manipulated into a sexual relationship at 12 with a forty year old man amongst numerous other things, so I am far from the norm. But they do say that infidelity in marriage can take an equal amount of time to heal as the relationship was long before the infidelity. So if you were together for 7 years before you cheated, it can take up to another 7 years before your relationship will be healed... idk how accurate that is but out of those who've experienced this that I have spoken with about this have all tended to agree that it takes 5-10 years to truly heal from marital infidelity.❤
An affair is something that your partner will NEVER recover from. They might say they forgive you, but that's a betrayal and hurt that can't be described. It isn't worth the faithful partners effort.
Oh i feel sorry for the girl you cheated with, poor girl is going to be villainized horribly if she doesn't step back
@@hurricaneaquaticsI completely agree because of personal experience. The betrayal pain is horrific.
Surely a lack of trust and respect is a good reason for anyone to close their heart? Not just complex trauma?
My therapist said that sometimes we come out guns blazing and say something intentionally that can’t be repaired in order to eject someone who isn’t good for us away from us. This type of anger can be the only way to remove some people when nice communication doesn’t work.
Tim loves to make 'lists' and it gets lengthy. Keep it simple ...🙏
The way I see it, the lists aren't actually intended to be lists, it's just a way for Tim to structure the ideas he wants to talk about. You're not being quizzed on this stuff, it's ok to just take what you need from what he's talking about and leave the rest.
I find the details extremely helpful 🤷
I love it. I screenshot them so I can have a reference later if need be. Thanks Tim!
His lists are simple. He's talking about tough stuff not Disney movies.
It reminds me of myself, so I enjoy it. Lol my ADHD organized chaos takes me on wonder mental adventures 😎