This vid is spot on. I had to end a “friendship” 3 weeks ago because it was the same BS, every thing on his terms and time. He’s such an extreme avoidant, and so petty and emotionally immature. Refuses to compromise or be vulnerable consistently. I feel he’s white knuckling it through life and when with me would go from extreme silliness to anger over the most ridiculous things. I feel bad for him, and really loved him. I was hoping he’d see I wasn’t a threat to him but he just couldn’t truly trust me or let me all the way in. I’ll regret this experience forever. Never had someone push and pull at me this way, especially after pursuing me for 2 full years. What a mind F.
Recently blocked a guy who's similar. For 4 years me and my fam tried to get him to visit us (doesn't live too far) because we knew each other from childhood. He came up with all kinds of bs like he felt embarrassed about the way he looked or he had to work. Car was broken down. Didn't have free time. Left his house one week and traveled across the country for other people though. Sorry. Guys like that have issues they need to work out. It's best to leave when they start to mistreat you over it.
Happening to me right now. Dammit. That push and pull thing, like you said. It's like it's not real yet there it is. Mind f indeed, it's very confusing. 😐
@@moonfiend9259omg your story sounds exactly like mine. Me and this guy been talking for a year I went to visit him and he said he couldn’t come out to chill because he was sick. Everyday day that I was there. I invited him with me and my family he made all kinds of excuses. Recently he flew across the country to be with who knows and got angry when I asked about his trip. I wasn’t even trying to be rude. He retracted his photo off social media and all. Later he told me he couldn’t be with me because he had already said that whomever he gets in a relationship with he will hurt them. He said he refuses to hurt me and that’s why he never entertained an us. Yet he really did. But with DA they only see black and white and it’s their version. It doesn’t help that he is trying to pass the Bar to become a lawyer so you already know they tend to bend stories.
Happening to me now, tried to put me in the friendzone and I said it's either we're dating or nothing. I get a reply with I'll thing about things, still haven't got a response and believe I won't get my answer
It also happened to me two months ago. I’m still traumatized. I’ve told him three times now that I am not accepting his friendship offer. Still he pushes me to be his friend. Enough is enough. Time to shut him out for good! I just want to say that you all are amazing people and you deserve only the best partner in life! ❤
You can be friends just don’t actually be friends. Support from a distance. Block them on all social media but don’t block their number. Be short in your replies. If they continue to text ignore them. Reply back days later saying how busy you were. They’ll get the idea
It's been a month since I went no contact with my DA ex, but she still views my stories and is friends with me on IG and SC. I've been thinking about blocking her to move on. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted, asked to be friends, and I only offered an open door for support. Haven't heard from her since, but she sure is keeping tabs on me 😂
He said we can stay friends. Kept me on his socials but he never reached out again. It’s been five months of silence. He rebounded three weeks post breakup. Sometimes they say they want to stay friends only to ease and lessen their guilt for leaving you (especially if the reasons for them leaving aren’t valid enough, which was my case). This way you’ll also think that you ended on good terms and you won’t view them as a bad person. All about them.
That is exactly what happened. I initially accepted the friendship offer, because I was anxiously attached and I thought this could be a gateway to slowly but consistently work on healing each other as friends and get back together. Wrong idea! He breadcrumbed me, whenever I was initiating a conversation as friends he would be dismissive and evasive to the point where I had enough and I set a clear boundary (I wrote this on my private blog where he has access as a reader and he read it a couple of days ago): we're either romantically involved and work on our wounds or we are nothing. He still checks my blog almost daily but says nothing. Thank you for enlightening me, Coach Ryan. It's thanks to your videos that I was able to take a stand for myself and know my self worth. It still hurts, but it will get better eventually.
They don't want a friend, they want you to continue to give them attention, trust me if you don't text or call they wont until their anxiety gets the best of them, at which point they will get chase you just enough to get your attention again. They will disgaurd you again
3 years together. They adore you at first.. then when the feeling is reciprocated at a healthy timeframe they pull away emotionally and grow to despise everything they once loved about you. Lots of crossovers with the traits of covert narcissism. After those 3 years, the avoidant ghosted me completely for five weeks, returned unexpectedly at my doorstep one evening (jumped my gate!) and had literally nothing to say except wanted s3x. Disappeared again within the following week. NEVER AGAIN will this person re-enter my life!!!
Man i saw this video today as things are happening to me. I have been discarded 5 days ago. Like from nothing. I have seen your videos and i have discovered yesterday that my now ex wife is huge avoidant. Today she asked me friendship. And then i saw this video. Like just in time. I am not going to accept. I just will fade and develop myself. Not accepting cheap offers for my heart. Thanks for the advices.
Update: after i have been discarded i put a huge diatance between me and her. Been to sleep for 60 days to friends houses. I kept workin a lot, making money. After a while i began to feel alone so i began to get out a night, to bars, craft beers, electro music clubs. Alone. I met people, got drunk, had a lot of fun. This positivity got me oppurtinities in my job which gave me more money. Met a girl, fucked her really good. She insisted a lot on how nice i was, how much she liked me. That gave me a big boost in confidence. Began to see other girl who revelead me how much she has been into me for a while. You imagine the rest. That was my life for a while. At a certain point i asked myself if i could recover the relationship with my wife. Came back home, she was not happy to see me. But she stayed. She saw me different. She saw that i can be succesfull without her. She saw that other girls, younger and more succesfull and more beautifull women enjoyed me. She was so pissed off. So pissed off and jelause. We had sex afetr 3 days that i come back. A month has passed since then. Now we are lover. I keep the other girl (who is ok with thar, she's young she justwant to have fun) around just so my wife doesnt trigger an avoidant reaction. You have to be firm with that. If she goes and keep distance, iwill be with tha younger girl drinking a beer in less than 30min. I dont know where this is going to get, but in 8yearsof relationship this is the moment in which i feel i have control of this crazy ship. I just want to add that i do this for the kids. If it was for me i wojld fuck the young girl all the day. She is so validating.
I am 42. The younger you are the faster you can recover from being emotionally abused (like with avoidant partners). The key point is the future. Build your future.
Took me 5 years to realise I was blind. It feels like my psychologist worked against me saying "do you think it's a good reason to leave someone?" Hopefully, and thanks to my personal research I found that "avoidant" was a thing. None of the specialist I saw told me about that, I have always thought I was a monster. And I have always taken full responsability for her toxic behavior. Now that I am back to reality, I feel shattered that i have lost mental and physical heath and all my savings for someone that lies to herself so much that she doesn't even realise it. She always took around 6 months to realise her mistakes and took 3 to 6 more months to verbalize them. Always explaining her mistakes in a maner that makes her "feeling ok with herself", without any feeling of redemption toward me and still pointing at my "frustration" like if I were the only guilty one. Even if she went to a therapist for years, they have only worked on her OCDs. Now that I understand that avoidants are very likely to have OCD comorbidity, I wonder if some therapists are really worth their jobs and the money we spend on them. Of course she offered me to remain her "friend" (she has almost no friends, only a girl or two that live 100s of km away) She never trully respected me as a partner, I don't expect her to respect me more as a friend. For the first time in our "relation", I took a step forward and respected my own limits by refusing friendship and blacklisting her forever. Now I understand that my major mistake was not to set and respect my own boundaries with her. I would have left earlier if I were more aware of these boundaries crossing. Now I am poor, I have cancer and I lost all my confidence toward life and people. But at least: I AM FREE !!! And I am finally able to heal and recover from this toxic relation. Thanks for your advices, I wish I heard them sooner.
My FA ex monkey branched to another and offered friendship to me. I declined and let him go without drama. Funny thing, I had told him earlier that I would never be just his friend. He wanted to " see where it goes" with the new person, and had planned to keep me as a friend. I think he had gotten bored after four years, a!nd felt the grass might be greener. This s**t is crazy. Hell no!! N C forever for me. As I heal, my love for him dies. Never thought I would reach this point. Never again.
A few years ago a guy walked out on me. He said a whole bunch of things that I'm still scratching my head at. "I'm rooting for you to get a boyfriend". "I'm an emotionless bastard, I have commitment issues, you can do better". Next morning he comes back by texting, asking if I was ok. Even someone who struggles with her emotions like me could see exactly what he was trying go do. I was not in a good spot so soon. I didn't feel like talking to him. I said I need space and then stopped talking to him completely. Went out of my way to block him because the more he was gonna try to stay, the more miserable I would've been. I caught feelings. I can't just turn them off. I dodged a bullet because a week later I heard through my sibling that he had announced he had a gf. He was engagded recently. Guess he figured out his "commitment issues" pretty quick. If you don't feel like you can be friends with a guy don't do it. Even before this guy I'm the type to be suckered into the friendship stuff with men I liked and it brought nothing but pain. Save yourself the heartache and wasted time.
I would really really appreciate if you could do a video on how an avoidant ex feels if they reach back out, get close (meeting up incl. cuddling, kissing) then pull back claiming they were actually just reaching out to maintain a good friendship, then ghost you after you declined friendship.
This happened to me!! Going almost a month of ghosting after I decided friendship was keeping me stuck. He never replied, he knows I HATE being left on read. Real dick move..but apropos
I'm sorry he made you feel that way. I would really like to know what's going on in their head when they ghost you in this case. I NEED to know. He is not a selfish or mean person, not at all. We've been together for 15 months, no contact for 5 weeks after the breakup. Then he initiated again and again, we met up 4 times and it felt like he was never gone. Like a couple again. Then he pulled back and ghosted me after I declined friedship. Didn't even read the last message I sent (a month ago)
Thats because cuddling and kissing may mean a lot to you, to an avoidant, its still emotionally safe because they don't have to get emotional. They're just physical acts and they feel that that's enough to get their needs met. Kissing and cuddling them means you still want them, you see. In their minds, its "cool, you still want me. You're still on the hook. But no, I am not ready to be in a relationship because that scares the shit out of me and is extremely uncomfortable.". Kissing and cuddling is still breadcrumbing.
@@seowweetang2253 thank you. Avoidants are crazy people. Lovely but crazy. Hard to understand as a secure person. I accepted it and I'm starting to feel good again but he will always have a little tiny piece of my heart I guess. He was the most loving and dedicated person I met but seemingly also the most broken one. Very sad - for him.
going through this exact situation right now. my ex friend zoned me, texts me all day but often shuts down when i show even the slightest bit of emotions. i really love him & too attached to him atp. even though we talk all day it hurts & i keep hoping that he’ll open up & would want to work things out. it hurts to see him push me away like it meant nothing. i feel so helpless..
Wow 😊 Good you recognize it-and yes, please do get help. This behaviour is traumatizing people, when all they wanted is, to love you. I‘m genuinely sure that‘s not your intention. Self awareness is the first step😊👏🏻
Great that you can see that. Please get help . I’ve never been so damaged in my life by my avoidant ex. She knew she was crazy and an avoidant, but refused to get help. I’ve been involved in many tragedies and have seen bad things that have affected me tremendously, but her ending our 8 year relationship out of no where and friend zoning me and then ghosting me….. devastating. I gave her everything and loved her sincerely with my whole heart . Been single for a year now. Finally feeling better. Please seek a good therapist , mine has helped me tremendously. Best wishes.
My ex FA did the slow fade and monkey branched to another. He even tried to gaslight me by minimizing that we had a relationship. Then, he wanted to be friends! Nope!!! MC forever for me. SMDH.
I love the fish painting haha I just went through this exact scenario with someone. She even reached out when I cut off contact, gave a half-assed apology that included some finger pointing towards other people, and asked me to be her friend. I said no. She okay okay bye. Haven't heard from her since. I am tempted to reach out now that I understand her better, but.. I have a feeling I'll just end up putting myself in a position to be hurt again.
@@Miansole She's not an ex. It never made it that far. Just a lot of mixed signals, games, breadcrumbing, gaslighting, push/pull, etc. She saw the benefits I was giving her but wouldn't reciprocate, and thought I would never walk away, thought she'd always have access to my kindness and generosity and validation, like he says in the video. She was mistaken.
I think a lot of you are misunderstanding what he's saying. He's saying you were in a dating situationship, something happened, and they (avoidant) reached back out saying they still wanted to be "friends." But "friends" includes benefits like a situationship. They actually mean FWBs benefits. If you're going to take that person back as "friends" then put a timer on it, like 3 months. If they aren't offering commitment by then, cut them completely out of your life. Let them learn "friends" also leads to abandonment. Everything noncommittal leads to abandonment. I've done this to an FA ex, and I've had a DA do it to me. It's just an avoidant way of saying hey I want you in my life still.
@@lmart16 As someone who has pulled an FA partner after making it clear I didnt want to leave them but would set boundaries after a few months of reconnecting making them realize theyd lose me if we continued a friendship I really dont think they seem even half as mature with what the OP is describing. Even though they were more self aware it was still a bit difficult. Like sure its not impossible but its still a big investment for someone who bare minimum still tries and plays games plus not be fully reciprocal, the latter especially is what has made me hesitant on making gestures unless my partner fully leaned in and she did despite me being very reserved. If things are messy and one sided throughout idk it sounds more hassle than its worth and it might not even work in the end.
I agree with you and i love him so much, but it hurts me every contact that we have, and it seems like he will find someone anytime and I will still here loving while he is living his life. It's so unfair.
He will chew you up and spit you out eventually. You aren’t winning any moral award for being a doormat. They want a surface level part time fantasy relationship while having ‘all in” benefits. You’ve only learned to do the “eggshell shuffle “. The only prize at the end is egg in your face.
I have an extreme avoidant dancing around in and out for almost 4 years. She tried a lot of times but I never allowed her to FZ me, and I will never allow. You just have to walk away. We both have a lot of feelings for each other, love even. But she is very weak, she cannot hold up for long, she is not developed and her therapy is not really helping - she apparently sabotages herself in that respect too, and the therapist does not seem to hit the nail on the head, apparently no attachment issues being addressed. Now I am going to leave her again due to a new crisis, and she might come back when I cut ties. But that’s the only way they can learn that they cannot discard or FZ you. the back and forth is FAR too much work, pain and suffering. I still try because I already love thar poor thing… but I do NOT recommend anyone to initiate a relationship with an avoidant. This should be thought in schools so wounded people would start healing soon, and the rest could avoid relationship with wounded people.
Would you talk about when at first you accept it because you believe them, and then after months you decide to walk away from the friendship because you are exhausted? Thank you for this vid, great explanation as always
Damn how people have the lixury to be wanted and loved even with their flaws and still reject it like nothing, meanwhile, nobody choose me or want me even if Im the best I could be with them and attentive and loving. I dont have such luxury or privilege, I wish 💔
when he offered his friendship I made it clear that he wasn't a good friend to me so that option wasn't really appealing. I was being honest but I could tell that hurt him.
I was sent to the friend zone so that the avoidant could find what they wanted. They couldn't even bring themsleves to say they don't love me. Let them find their love elsewhere.
I can't stop watching videos like this. About attachment style. I'm involved with one. From US, Divorced. 4 kids. 2 yrs being divorced. Almost 20yrs relationship with his ex. I know for sure he isn't over with his ex wife. That's a long term relationship. And for the third time he came back asked for friendship with me. I accepted it but this time I build a wall between us. And guard my heart now and expect the push and pull and hot and cold again. Won't be surprised. I just feel sorry for him not for myself.
It was very lopsided for me, I wanted to be her friend again because I felt a bit lonely plus I genuinely wanted to help them become emotionally available like I learned how to. Did owe it a bit to the experiences they gave me and was genuinely grateful for their support. Unfortunately I did develop feelings for her and they even alluded to romantic interest til I was suddenly friendzoned what seemed completely outta nowhere. Thankfully was a false alarm, truly wanted to leave if they didnt feel the same way but it did bring to their attention they were ok with putting a relationship label if it meant I stayed.
Great video! Recently, I've lost a person who i thought would've always been in my life.. I might have said some things in which were hurtful, however, she went back to an ex she told me she would never go back to and married him.. I felt a sense of betrayal on her behalf and our "friendship" hasn't been the same since.. I started to notice a pattern in her behavior where she could talk about people, and turn around and do the same things she talked about other people did. I would call her out on this, in which, would infuriate her.. She stopped talking to me because i corrected her on a behavior issue, which she refused to acknowledge, and placed all blame on me. I recognize that her circle of people changed, and her loyalty changed as well.. Wish we never would've been that close because deep down, it hurts. We couldn't of made it like I thought we could have.. I used to tell her that we couldn't ever be friends because I loved her too much. (And I still do.) 💔🙏🏼
Lol, My FA recent ex tried to friend zone me and I said no, I don’t keep ex’s as friends besides 1 chick I dated in my early twenties. Also straight up told her, I will not be a cuck or around if there is another guy in her life. That was even after me crying in front of her about not wanting to break up and all that weak shit that happens often. She also cried a lot in front of me about the break up and seemed conflicted about it just to be fair. She also freaked out when I initially said something about giving her space for a while too. Eventually her therapist told her to distance & disentangle with me two weeks later which definitely happened. Right now I am a week out from 30 days of no contact, been working on my self to heal, leveling up, and in an ambivalent stage about it all. Lol, At this point I am starting to lean towards never talking to her again increasingly..🤷🏻
Told her I wasnt interested in being friends. I noticed a lot of girls that arent avoidant do this as well. They be building a roster like its fantasy football lol.
On the flip side 8-9 months went no contact. After learning about this I don't want her for a mother of my child so I reached out and said I only want to be friends and she did me a favor let her know I couldn't put my finger on it that she is a dismissive avoidant. Now I friend zoned her. Bet that don't happen to women much the man friend zoning a woman
I sometimes kick myself because of one of our last conversations. She tried forcing the friendzone after us expressing still having feelings and I called her out on it. It was torture because it felt she kept breadcrumbing me and leading me on that we would get together again and spend time together. I even compromised and took all labels away except her trying to make us friends. It was hurtful and devalued the love we shared. It hurts now still thinking about how closely we bonded and how silly it was to just push me away finally because I stood up for myself and the connection we had. One thing that made me confused was towards the end she started arguing or disagreeing about everything. I even talked about things she liked then suddenly they weren't as important. It was like she found reasons rather than be happy we cared and loved each other.
I'm sorry but it's time to work through your ish and grow up now - I say this because it happened to me. And him friends told him to do the same thing 🙄 au revior acquaintance - 2 years being strung along was long enough 👋🏽
I don’t stay frens w my 2 exes so there’s no such thing as fren-zoning exes. Lol. I left them for v good reasons so that means I don’t appreciate their characters enough to stay frens. Lol😂 Besides I respect my hb ENOUGH to desire to stay FAR AWAY from toxic exes.
TOO MANY COACHES, GURUS AND PSYCHOLOGISTS CALLING IT "AVOIDANT" WHEN IS NARCISISM... This is bad for the victim (prey justifying the butcher) and for the narcissist itself (alibi & lack of accountability). Also too many infra diagnosed narcissists are treated with antidepressants, which lead to the suppression of any remaining trace of empathy...
@miradl7968 That's not true. All narcissists are avoidants, but not all avoidants are narcissists, although some do have tendencies. The thin line is the intention.
@@Mone91able You're right. Also almost all narcissists victims can, should, must, are, blamed on "anxious attachment style": the perfect gas light aided by therapists acting as perfect flying monkeys. Instead of recognizing induced PTSD by the narcissist in their victims. Narcissists doesn't exist: they're "avoidants". There where fuond mass destruction weapons in Irak. COVID started in bat sold in food market in Wuhan and not in the Wuhan Institute of Virology (Engineering and Technology Research Center for Viral Diseases). Mohamed Atta just wanted to learn how to fly...
How about, "I am worth a lot more than friendship. Also, I am sorry I can't accept your friendship because you are a dirty sinner. I want to save my soul and follow Jesus instead. Can I visit your church and talk to your pastor about your cheating? What time does your church start?"
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
This vid is spot on. I had to end a “friendship” 3 weeks ago because it was the same BS, every thing on his terms and time. He’s such an extreme avoidant, and so petty and emotionally immature. Refuses to compromise or be vulnerable consistently. I feel he’s white knuckling it through life and when with me would go from extreme silliness to anger over the most ridiculous things. I feel bad for him, and really loved him. I was hoping he’d see I wasn’t a threat to him but he just couldn’t truly trust me or let me all the way in. I’ll regret this experience forever. Never had someone push and pull at me this way, especially after pursuing me for 2 full years. What a mind F.
Recently blocked a guy who's similar. For 4 years me and my fam tried to get him to visit us (doesn't live too far) because we knew each other from childhood. He came up with all kinds of bs like he felt embarrassed about the way he looked or he had to work. Car was broken down. Didn't have free time.
Left his house one week and traveled across the country for other people though.
Sorry. Guys like that have issues they need to work out. It's best to leave when they start to mistreat you over it.
Happening to me right now. Dammit. That push and pull thing, like you said. It's like it's not real yet there it is. Mind f indeed, it's very confusing. 😐
@@moonfiend9259omg your story sounds exactly like mine. Me and this guy been talking for a year I went to visit him and he said he couldn’t come out to chill because he was sick. Everyday day that I was there. I invited him with me and my family he made all kinds of excuses. Recently he flew across the country to be with who knows and got angry when I asked about his trip. I wasn’t even trying to be rude. He retracted his photo off social media and all. Later he told me he couldn’t be with me because he had already said that whomever he gets in a relationship with he will hurt them. He said he refuses to hurt me and that’s why he never entertained an us. Yet he really did. But with DA they only see black and white and it’s their version. It doesn’t help that he is trying to pass the Bar to become a lawyer so you already know they tend to bend stories.
Happening to me now, tried to put me in the friendzone and I said it's either we're dating or nothing. I get a reply with I'll thing about things, still haven't got a response and believe I won't get my answer
@@tkiivzi5 Any update?
You can only be friendzoned if you remain their friend. Walk away.
Seems like the only cure to this is just walking away
Oh yeah! I was friendzoned. Lol Therefore, I abandoned them as a friend. It did not fulfill my needs. Bye! I'm traumatized, ptsd.
Same here ! PTSD and traumatized
Me and you both, just recently too. Ultimate PTSD.
Add me to the club..this just happened to me a few weeks back.
It also happened to me two months ago. I’m still traumatized. I’ve told him three times now that I am not accepting his friendship offer. Still he pushes me to be his friend. Enough is enough. Time to shut him out for good! I just want to say that you all are amazing people and you deserve only the best partner in life! ❤
You can be friends just don’t actually be friends. Support from a distance. Block them on all social media but don’t block their number. Be short in your replies. If they continue to text ignore them. Reply back days later saying how busy you were. They’ll get the idea
It's been a month since I went no contact with my DA ex, but she still views my stories and is friends with me on IG and SC. I've been thinking about blocking her to move on. She said she wasn't sure what she wanted, asked to be friends, and I only offered an open door for support. Haven't heard from her since, but she sure is keeping tabs on me 😂
He said we can stay friends. Kept me on his socials but he never reached out again. It’s been five months of silence. He rebounded three weeks post breakup. Sometimes they say they want to stay friends only to ease and lessen their guilt for leaving you (especially if the reasons for them leaving aren’t valid enough, which was my case). This way you’ll also think that you ended on good terms and you won’t view them as a bad person. All about them.
That is exactly what happened. I initially accepted the friendship offer, because I was anxiously attached and I thought this could be a gateway to slowly but consistently work on healing each other as friends and get back together. Wrong idea! He breadcrumbed me, whenever I was initiating a conversation as friends he would be dismissive and evasive to the point where I had enough and I set a clear boundary (I wrote this on my private blog where he has access as a reader and he read it a couple of days ago): we're either romantically involved and work on our wounds or we are nothing. He still checks my blog almost daily but says nothing. Thank you for enlightening me, Coach Ryan. It's thanks to your videos that I was able to take a stand for myself and know my self worth. It still hurts, but it will get better eventually.
They don't want a friend, they want you to continue to give them attention, trust me if you don't text or call they wont until their anxiety gets the best of them, at which point they will get chase you just enough to get your attention again. They will disgaurd you again
Yes, I agree. They just want an ego stroke and attention.
3 years together. They adore you at first.. then when the feeling is reciprocated at a healthy timeframe they pull away emotionally and grow to despise everything they once loved about you. Lots of crossovers with the traits of covert narcissism. After those 3 years, the avoidant ghosted me completely for five weeks, returned unexpectedly at my doorstep one evening (jumped my gate!) and had literally nothing to say except wanted s3x. Disappeared again within the following week. NEVER AGAIN will this person re-enter my life!!!
Man i saw this video today as things are happening to me. I have been discarded 5 days ago. Like from nothing. I have seen your videos and i have discovered yesterday that my now ex wife is huge avoidant. Today she asked me friendship. And then i saw this video. Like just in time. I am not going to accept. I just will fade and develop myself. Not accepting cheap offers for my heart. Thanks for the advices.
Update: after i have been discarded i put a huge diatance between me and her. Been to sleep for 60 days to friends houses. I kept workin a lot, making money. After a while i began to feel alone so i began to get out a night, to bars, craft beers, electro music clubs. Alone. I met people, got drunk, had a lot of fun. This positivity got me oppurtinities in my job which gave me more money. Met a girl, fucked her really good. She insisted a lot on how nice i was, how much she liked me. That gave me a big boost in confidence. Began to see other girl who revelead me how much she has been into me for a while. You imagine the rest. That was my life for a while.
At a certain point i asked myself if i could recover the relationship with my wife. Came back home, she was not happy to see me. But she stayed. She saw me different. She saw that i can be succesfull without her. She saw that other girls, younger and more succesfull and more beautifull women enjoyed me.
She was so pissed off. So pissed off and jelause. We had sex afetr 3 days that i come back. A month has passed since then. Now we are lover. I keep the other girl (who is ok with thar, she's young she justwant to have fun) around just so my wife doesnt trigger an avoidant reaction. You have to be firm with that. If she goes and keep distance, iwill be with tha younger girl drinking a beer in less than 30min. I dont know where this is going to get, but in 8yearsof relationship this is the moment in which i feel i have control of this crazy ship. I just want to add that i do this for the kids. If it was for me i wojld fuck the young girl all the day. She is so validating.
I am 42. The younger you are the faster you can recover from being emotionally abused (like with avoidant partners). The key point is the future. Build your future.
Thanks Ryan. I see MANY therapist types on RUclips talking about avoidant.. have to say that I find you the most well spoken and easy to understand!!!
Took me 5 years to realise I was blind.
It feels like my psychologist worked against me saying "do you think it's a good reason to leave someone?"
Hopefully, and thanks to my personal research I found that "avoidant" was a thing.
None of the specialist I saw told me about that, I have always thought I was a monster.
And I have always taken full responsability for her toxic behavior.
Now that I am back to reality,
I feel shattered that i have lost mental and physical heath and all my savings
for someone that lies to herself so much that she doesn't even realise it.
She always took around 6 months to realise her mistakes and took 3 to 6 more months to verbalize them.
Always explaining her mistakes in a maner that makes her "feeling ok with herself", without any feeling of redemption toward me and still pointing at my "frustration" like if I were the only guilty one.
Even if she went to a therapist for years, they have only worked on her OCDs.
Now that I understand that avoidants are very likely to have OCD comorbidity,
I wonder if some therapists are really worth their jobs and the money we spend on them.
Of course she offered me to remain her "friend" (she has almost no friends, only a girl or two that live 100s of km away)
She never trully respected me as a partner, I don't expect her to respect me more as a friend.
For the first time in our "relation", I took a step forward and respected my own limits by refusing friendship and blacklisting her forever.
Now I understand that my major mistake was not to set and respect my own boundaries with her.
I would have left earlier if I were more aware of these boundaries crossing.
Now I am poor, I have cancer and I lost all my confidence toward life and people.
But at least: I AM FREE !!!
And I am finally able to heal and recover from this toxic relation.
Thanks for your advices,
I wish I heard them sooner.
My FA ex monkey branched to another and offered friendship to me. I declined and let him go without drama. Funny thing, I had told him earlier that I would never be just his friend. He wanted to " see where it goes" with the new person, and had planned to keep me as a friend. I think he had gotten bored after four years, a!nd felt the grass might be greener. This s**t is crazy. Hell no!! N C forever for me. As I heal, my love for him dies. Never thought I would reach this point. Never again.
Spot on. She don’t get the best of me without the rest of me. End of story.
A few years ago a guy walked out on me. He said a whole bunch of things that I'm still scratching my head at. "I'm rooting for you to get a boyfriend". "I'm an emotionless bastard, I have commitment issues, you can do better".
Next morning he comes back by texting, asking if I was ok.
Even someone who struggles with her emotions like me could see exactly what he was trying go do. I was not in a good spot so soon. I didn't feel like talking to him. I said I need space and then stopped talking to him completely. Went out of my way to block him because the more he was gonna try to stay, the more miserable I would've been. I caught feelings. I can't just turn them off.
I dodged a bullet because a week later I heard through my sibling that he had announced he had a gf. He was engagded recently. Guess he figured out his "commitment issues" pretty quick.
If you don't feel like you can be friends with a guy don't do it. Even before this guy I'm the type to be suckered into the friendship stuff with men I liked and it brought nothing but pain. Save yourself the heartache and wasted time.
I would really really appreciate if you could do a video on how an avoidant ex feels if they reach back out, get close (meeting up incl. cuddling, kissing) then pull back claiming they were actually just reaching out to maintain a good friendship, then ghost you after you declined friendship.
This happened to me!! Going almost a month of ghosting after I decided friendship was keeping me stuck. He never replied, he knows I HATE being left on read. Real dick move..but apropos
I'm sorry he made you feel that way. I would really like to know what's going on in their head when they ghost you in this case. I NEED to know.
He is not a selfish or mean person, not at all. We've been together for 15 months, no contact for 5 weeks after the breakup. Then he initiated again and again, we met up 4 times and it felt like he was never gone. Like a couple again.
Then he pulled back and ghosted me after I declined friedship.
Didn't even read the last message I sent (a month ago)
Thats because cuddling and kissing may mean a lot to you, to an avoidant, its still emotionally safe because they don't have to get emotional. They're just physical acts and they feel that that's enough to get their needs met. Kissing and cuddling them means you still want them, you see. In their minds, its "cool, you still want me. You're still on the hook. But no, I am not ready to be in a relationship because that scares the shit out of me and is extremely uncomfortable.". Kissing and cuddling is still breadcrumbing.
@@seowweetang2253 thank you. Avoidants are crazy people. Lovely but crazy. Hard to understand as a secure person. I accepted it and I'm starting to feel good again but he will always have a little tiny piece of my heart I guess. He was the most loving and dedicated person I met but seemingly also the most broken one. Very sad - for him.
@@sadiqua7 same. I blocked him so I didnt have to handle the either no response, or the 'sorry, you're right' painful response
going through this exact situation right now. my ex friend zoned me, texts me all day but often shuts down when i show even the slightest bit of emotions. i really love him & too attached to him atp. even though we talk all day it hurts & i keep hoping that he’ll open up & would want to work things out. it hurts to see him push me away like it meant nothing. i feel so helpless..
yes went through this too recenty, painful
I think they always friend zone at the end.
Yikes. I just did this to someone. I need help.
Wow 😊 Good you recognize it-and yes, please do get help. This behaviour is traumatizing people, when all they wanted is, to love you. I‘m genuinely sure that‘s not your intention. Self awareness is the first step😊👏🏻
Great that you can see that. Please get help . I’ve never been so damaged in my life by my avoidant ex. She knew she was crazy and an avoidant, but refused to get help. I’ve been involved in many tragedies and have seen bad things that have affected me tremendously, but her ending our 8 year relationship out of no where and friend zoning me and then ghosting me…..
devastating. I gave her everything and loved her sincerely with my whole heart . Been single for a year now. Finally feeling better.
Please seek a good therapist , mine has helped me tremendously. Best wishes.
My ex FA did the slow fade and monkey branched to another. He even tried to gaslight me by minimizing that we had a relationship. Then, he wanted to be friends! Nope!!! MC forever for me. SMDH.
“NC”
I love the fish painting haha
I just went through this exact scenario with someone. She even reached out when I cut off contact, gave a half-assed apology that included some finger pointing towards other people, and asked me to be her friend.
I said no. She okay okay bye. Haven't heard from her since. I am tempted to reach out now that I understand her better, but.. I have a feeling I'll just end up putting myself in a position to be hurt again.
Don't reach out, focus on yourself. It's a great chance to grow 🎉 and eventually outgrow your ex. I'm going through the same right now.
@@Miansole She's not an ex. It never made it that far. Just a lot of mixed signals, games, breadcrumbing, gaslighting, push/pull, etc. She saw the benefits I was giving her but wouldn't reciprocate, and thought I would never walk away, thought she'd always have access to my kindness and generosity and validation, like he says in the video. She was mistaken.
Seems like it might not work out tbh
I think a lot of you are misunderstanding what he's saying. He's saying you were in a dating situationship, something happened, and they (avoidant) reached back out saying they still wanted to be "friends." But "friends" includes benefits like a situationship. They actually mean FWBs benefits. If you're going to take that person back as "friends" then put a timer on it, like 3 months. If they aren't offering commitment by then, cut them completely out of your life. Let them learn "friends" also leads to abandonment. Everything noncommittal leads to abandonment. I've done this to an FA ex, and I've had a DA do it to me. It's just an avoidant way of saying hey I want you in my life still.
@@lmart16 As someone who has pulled an FA partner after making it clear I didnt want to leave them but would set boundaries after a few months of reconnecting making them realize theyd lose me if we continued a friendship I really dont think they seem even half as mature with what the OP is describing. Even though they were more self aware it was still a bit difficult. Like sure its not impossible but its still a big investment for someone who bare minimum still tries and plays games plus not be fully reciprocal, the latter especially is what has made me hesitant on making gestures unless my partner fully leaned in and she did despite me being very reserved. If things are messy and one sided throughout idk it sounds more hassle than its worth and it might not even work in the end.
Eerily relevant to a situation i found myself in a few months ago… great video great advice
I didnt accept... i told him i will start dating... i even tried dating... but still attached
I have an avoidant who is now my friend. I love him. Im never abandoning them. There is a wonderful man under the hurt.
I agree with you and i love him so much, but it hurts me every contact that we have, and it seems like he will find someone anytime and I will still here loving while he is living his life. It's so unfair.
He will chew you up and spit you out eventually. You aren’t winning any moral award for being a doormat. They want a surface level part time fantasy relationship while having ‘all in” benefits. You’ve only learned to do the “eggshell shuffle “. The only prize at the end is egg in your face.
I have an extreme avoidant dancing around in and out for almost 4 years. She tried a lot of times but I never allowed her to FZ me, and I will never allow. You just have to walk away.
We both have a lot of feelings for each other, love even. But she is very weak, she cannot hold up for long, she is not developed and her therapy is not really helping - she apparently sabotages herself in that respect too, and the therapist does not seem to hit the nail on the head, apparently no attachment issues being addressed.
Now I am going to leave her again due to a new crisis, and she might come back when I cut ties.
But that’s the only way they can learn that they cannot discard or FZ you.
the back and forth is FAR too much work, pain and suffering.
I still try because I already love thar poor thing… but I do NOT recommend anyone to initiate a relationship with an avoidant.
This should be thought in schools so wounded people would start healing soon, and the rest could avoid relationship with wounded people.
Would you talk about when at first you accept it because you believe them, and then after months you decide to walk away from the friendship because you are exhausted? Thank you for this vid, great explanation as always
I'm axausted and I'm thinking to go away from him. I still love him, but I the even the friendship isn't what I need.
Damn how people have the lixury to be wanted and loved even with their flaws and still reject it like nothing, meanwhile, nobody choose me or want me even if Im the best I could be with them and attentive and loving. I dont have such luxury or privilege, I wish 💔
He tried, I walked away. Sux, but it's better this way.
Oh, wow. THIS is what is going on! I've felt so confused. Thank you. I definitely need to go no contact contact.
when he offered his friendship I made it clear that he wasn't a good friend to me so that option wasn't really appealing. I was being honest but I could tell that hurt him.
My avoidant ex is coming back to work where I work. I’m just like WTH? That’s a freakin boundary for me.
Stay away from them
Haha my avoidant ex is my collegue. Very uncomfortable.
Your videos are the best for my situation. God sent you!
I was sent to the friend zone so that the avoidant could find what they wanted. They couldn't even bring themsleves to say they don't love me. Let them find their love elsewhere.
I can't stop watching videos like this. About attachment style. I'm involved with one. From US, Divorced. 4 kids. 2 yrs being divorced. Almost 20yrs relationship with his ex. I know for sure he isn't over with his ex wife. That's a long term relationship. And for the third time he came back asked for friendship with me. I accepted it but this time I build a wall between us. And guard my heart now and expect the push and pull and hot and cold again. Won't be surprised. I just feel sorry for him not for myself.
It was very lopsided for me, I wanted to be her friend again because I felt a bit lonely plus I genuinely wanted to help them become emotionally available like I learned how to. Did owe it a bit to the experiences they gave me and was genuinely grateful for their support.
Unfortunately I did develop feelings for her and they even alluded to romantic interest til I was suddenly friendzoned what seemed completely outta nowhere. Thankfully was a false alarm, truly wanted to leave if they didnt feel the same way but it did bring to their attention they were ok with putting a relationship label if it meant I stayed.
Great video! Recently, I've lost a person who i thought would've always been in my life.. I might have said some things in which were hurtful, however, she went back to an ex she told me she would never go back to and married him.. I felt a sense of betrayal on her behalf and our "friendship" hasn't been the same since.. I started to notice a pattern in her behavior where she could talk about people, and turn around and do the same things she talked about other people did. I would call her out on this, in which, would infuriate her.. She stopped talking to me because i corrected her on a behavior issue, which she refused to acknowledge, and placed all blame on me. I recognize that her circle of people changed, and her loyalty changed as well.. Wish we never would've been that close because deep down, it hurts. We couldn't of made it like I thought we could have.. I used to tell her that we couldn't ever be friends because I loved her too much. (And I still do.) 💔🙏🏼
I said no to him he offered friendship
KEEEEEEEEEEP THESE VIDEOS COMING!!!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾❤
Lol, My FA recent ex tried to friend zone me and I said no, I don’t keep ex’s as friends besides 1 chick I dated in my early twenties. Also straight up told her, I will not be a cuck or around if there is another guy in her life. That was even after me crying in front of her about not wanting to break up and all that weak shit that happens often. She also cried a lot in front of me about the break up and seemed conflicted about it just to be fair. She also freaked out when I initially said something about giving her space for a while too. Eventually her therapist told her to distance & disentangle with me two weeks later which definitely happened. Right now I am a week out from 30 days of no contact, been working on my self to heal, leveling up, and in an ambivalent stage about it all.
Lol, At this point I am starting to lean towards never talking to her again increasingly..🤷🏻
Great advice.
No more Theory. Love doesn't need Theory. Stop !
Wow 😮this is all making sense to me now .
.. in a sick way, no doubt.
Told her I wasnt interested in being friends. I noticed a lot of girls that arent avoidant do this as well. They be building a roster like its fantasy football lol.
What if they friendzone you and you start dating someone new, do they care? Does it hurt them?
Yes of course. Because they know they fucc'd up
@@eppsislike do they?
@@eppsislikethat's what gonna happen, I won't stop my life for him.
They will disappear, same as if they find someone new, then your “new friend” will disappear.
On the flip side 8-9 months went no contact. After learning about this I don't want her for a mother of my child so I reached out and said I only want to be friends and she did me a favor let her know I couldn't put my finger on it that she is a dismissive avoidant. Now I friend zoned her. Bet that don't happen to women much the man friend zoning a woman
What if you start addressing/asking them about their avoidant behaviours? Will they open up or shut down?
I sometimes kick myself because of one of our last conversations. She tried forcing the friendzone after us expressing still having feelings and I called her out on it. It was torture because it felt she kept breadcrumbing me and leading me on that we would get together again and spend time together. I even compromised and took all labels away except her trying to make us friends. It was hurtful and devalued the love we shared.
It hurts now still thinking about how closely we bonded and how silly it was to just push me away finally because I stood up for myself and the connection we had. One thing that made me confused was towards the end she started arguing or disagreeing about everything. I even talked about things she liked then suddenly they weren't as important. It was like she found reasons rather than be happy we cared and loved each other.
I'm sorry but it's time to work through your ish and grow up now - I say this because it happened to me. And him friends told him to do the same thing 🙄 au revior acquaintance - 2 years being strung along was long enough 👋🏽
You are Spot On
That sounds like they don’t care about you. They sound selfish and narcissistic
Fantastic. Thank you.
Thanks for this video.
He said I could come over to see his dog and hed continue to help him with electric work. I'll take the free electric help and keep dating others.
Funny thing is is I don’t care I’m happy for her, trying to tug jealous strings that don’t exist
I accepted to be his friend and we are besties we laugh we share problem and better than to be in a love relationship
I would like that but he keeps breadcrumbing me. I don't want that.
So, you shoukd treat them like crap?
I don’t stay frens w my 2 exes so there’s no such thing as fren-zoning exes. Lol. I left them for v good reasons so that means I don’t appreciate their characters enough to stay frens. Lol😂 Besides I respect my hb ENOUGH to desire to stay FAR AWAY from toxic exes.
No way 😂 i dumped him and blocked him
TOO MANY COACHES, GURUS AND PSYCHOLOGISTS CALLING IT "AVOIDANT" WHEN IS NARCISISM...
This is bad for the victim (prey justifying the butcher) and for the narcissist itself (alibi & lack of accountability).
Also too many infra diagnosed narcissists are treated with antidepressants, which lead to the suppression of any remaining trace of empathy...
Avoidants are almost never narcissists
@miradl7968 That's not true. All narcissists are avoidants, but not all avoidants are narcissists, although some do have tendencies. The thin line is the intention.
@@Mone91able You're right. Also almost all narcissists victims can, should, must, are, blamed on "anxious attachment style": the perfect gas light aided by therapists acting as perfect flying monkeys. Instead of recognizing induced PTSD by the narcissist in their victims.
Narcissists doesn't exist: they're "avoidants". There where fuond mass destruction weapons in Irak. COVID started in bat sold in food market in Wuhan and not in the Wuhan Institute of Virology (Engineering and Technology Research Center for Viral Diseases). Mohamed Atta just wanted to learn how to fly...
Literally my husband 😂
好马不吃回头草。
How about, "I am worth a lot more than friendship. Also, I am sorry I can't accept your friendship because you are a dirty sinner. I want to save my soul and follow Jesus instead. Can I visit your church and talk to your pastor about your cheating? What time does your church start?"