Conversational Narcissist | The Signs
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- Опубликовано: 3 фев 2021
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Do you know how to spot the signs of a conversational narcissist? The signs are more subtle than you think.
In this eye opening discussion, MedCircle host Kyle Kittleson and clinical psychologist / narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula answer...
What is a conversational narcissist?
Why is it important to differentiate conversational narcissism from the traditional definition of a narcissist or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)?
Can someone be a conversational narcissist but NOT a traditional narcissist or have narcissistic personality disorder?
If not, what are the other reasons someone might be a conversational narcissist?
What are the major signs of a conversational narcissist to look out for?
Can we walk through an example of conversational narcissism in action?
What can & should I do during a conversation with a conversational narcissist?
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Watch more mental health & psychology videos on every personality disorder (and other types of mental illness) at MedCircle:
Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD)
Histrionic personality disorder (HPD)
Schizoid personality disorder (SPD)
Avoidant personality disorder (AVPD)
Paranoid personality disorder (PPD)
Schizotypal personality disorder (STPD)
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
Obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD)
Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
Dependent personality disorder (DPD)
Related: dissociative identity disorder (DID) formerly known as multiple personality disorder
#Narcissism #PersonalityDisorders #MedCircle #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #narcissistic #narcissists #narcissist
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Are you that bored with your relationship life Brother Kyle, that you would enable a conversational narcissist?!
Too pitiful !! 🙄🤪 Why are you beating your head against a brick wall?! 🥶
He’s doing it again. Something beeping next to the monitor has Kyle’s attention and he’s nodding way too much
@@garytyree2054 !!aaaaa!aaaaaaaaaaaaa!a
I find that as I age I seem to get . Ore selective in who I want to. E around and due health issues I am opting for more environmental friendly situations rather subjecting myself to environments just be with. The result to my surprise is I am becoming more and more isolated. Yet I prefer it to the former. Is this a good or bad thing.
Until Dr Ramane I coulxd not even listen to MOST female behavioral people, now with only 2 exceptions I not only agree with her but. Have found her enlightening and look forward to her seminars. I really am NOT into many of the other people that I find. O escaping and interrupting from. Hopefully we will be given the option of selection and also not losing track of which we have already watched and unwatched. Thank you.
I was once sunning myself by a pool. Near me was a small party of people, so naturally, I overheard their conversations. In the group was one person who hijacked everything with an "I'm more knowledgeable and have more experience than you" interruption. At one point, a women, who said very little so far, started telling an interesting story about a barbecue in another state.
Just as she was reaching the climax of her story, Mr. Knowledge interjected with, "I'll bet you have never had REAL southern barbecue!"
The story had nothing to do with this women's southern culinary experiences. It was just an excuse for him to talk about HIS barbecue experience. So when he tried to do just that, she angrily explained over HIS story that she has indeed had REAL southern barbecue and that she did not appreciate being interrupted or judged.
But the damage was done. The conversation was in a new direction, and the woman went quiet until her friends left the pool for other things, leaving her alone.
Having been in this situation a million times myself, I couldn't stand it. I approached her and said, "I'm sorry to have eavesdropped, but I was really interested in that story you were telling until you were so rudely interrupted. I'd like to hear the rest!" Her face lit up beautifully!
So I was the sole listener of a very entertaining story, plus a few more stories that she was eager to tell, and I feel bad for those who had missed out. Mr. Knowledge has no idea of his loss.
Julie, I love your story. I'm so glad you went over and asked that woman to tell you the rest of hers.
The narc deflated her. You elevated her. Im so glad their are still kind people in the world. 💜
Some friends just leaving her and so eagerly going along and encouraging Mr Know it all.
@@peekaboots01 Indeed. And maybe those "friends"....weren't really friends and were Frienemies.
That's so lovely that you were able to do that for her, she must have felt so affirmed
I have experience with people like this. They tend to talk *at* you rather than talk *with* you, if that makes sense.
I know few of these. I dont pay attention to them. They dont have anything to offer.
Totally !
I hate these people..yes no back and forth ..they dont let you talk..and even when you listen to them..they dont listen to the comments you make on what they say! im guilty of talking a lot but its interesting at least and about subjects too..however I would listen to what people say and comment on what they say!. I walk away from such people now..
Sometimes though they might be autistic. Or socially awkward. Or just *really* carried away with the topic. It isn't all narcissists. If you instantly assume they're not worth bothering about, you can cut yourself off from some genuinely rewarding friendships (as well as being quite mean yourself).
.if you are autistic or socially awkward you need to address this or get help..knew someone like that..changing subjects all the time, I felt drained after seeing him..even listening to him, no details , no opinion . So its not instant but let just say I knew right away something was off when I cried in front of him because I saw a guy I liked with a new woman..he couldnt care less had no reaction and told me we would talk about this over a coffee and carried talking about other things..we were supposed to meet ..needless to say we barely talked about it..I still met him a few more times and he wouldnt let me talk , take over any subject Id bring too..I dont mind listening to what people have to say..if its non stop and they wont listen to you then no ..I eventually blocked him after several deflection and deflecting again after I addressed this..
I used to be guilty of this! I eventually realized how selfish I was being, and made a conscious decision to talk about myself less. I still catch myself doing it, but I'm much more aware, and apologetic when it happens.
Me too 🫢 Not as bad anymore - I’m afraid I’ll forget what I want to say.
I don’t believe I’ve ever been arrogant as if I’m better - I guess I was trying to be relatable -
Something I definitely watch out for now.
Well, you probably wasn't narcissistic. Because they generally don't acknowledge it and don't try to change it for the better.
I dont think its narcissistic if we do it without an intent to overrule others. Still something to work on, but the people who do this will be very rude about it.
"Just get up and leave" - Ironically, a conversational narcissist does this to me (makes some random excuse to hang up) whenever I make a conversation that's not about him.
just dump him! unless you enjoy it.
@Shashwat Rohilla
This is because narcissist conversationalists feel good about holding the power to turn things on and off and maintaining full operation control of how human exchange will go
Someone has told me ".. I will hang up now..this conversation has not gone the way i wanted to. Bye"
These people have an idea In their mind how the experience should be
And when this is not fulfilled
They will shut down.
My ex husband to a T
My mom. I would call her and she would immediately talk about herself. If I managed to get a word in edgewise, she would break in with completely unrelated topics. If I insisted, she would have to hang up now, but would take ten minutes to sign off as she had another thing, and another to say. It was so bad, that I could put the phone down for an hour, do chores, come back on the phone every few minutes and say “uh huh”, leave again and she never noticed. Giant monologues.
@@BBMc107 omg I know someone like this. If it was not in person AND we were on the phone it was like this
ruclips.net/user/shortsVGB6emeQzzw?feature=share sometimes.
"A one-sided performance" .... that was a perfect description!
👍one sided performance so on point....aaaaaand by enlarge it gets boring u don't look fwd to talking to them.
A lot of the older people in my family are like this and you can’t get a word in edgewise
Oh. Ok. My Father told me when U was Young... Ever-body has a Sign on them that says “ ask about me”.
I never forgot that. Really WOKE me up as an Adolescent- and into my Adult Life. Listen , it’s not just about YOU.
I have a family member whom can’t let anyone else into the conversation. She talks only of her achievements, Even has said , ... mid sentence... I sSAID , I don’t Care!” Rude as Hell.
She gets by with her Rudeness now , because she has married into money.
I mean.... have you ever heard of a Grown woman getting Her food And Drink THROWN At Her Car Window At a Drive Though Sub shop!!
I*
Yes....and "holding court". They're thinking about their answer rather than listening to what the other person is saying.
They are exhausting! They are unable to stay in the present and constantly look at their phones when the conversation does not revolve around them.
I think that's a different issue tho. Many of my friends do that without being a conversational narcissist. I do it outside of conversations, just checking my phone while I'm waiting then realizing I didn't actually wanted to check anything. It has to do more with instant gratification addiction and horror vacui.
I had an ex with whom I had a long distance relationship and we talked on video calls. Every time he was done with his stories and I would start talking he immediately would reach for his phone, obviously tuning out completely. I thought at first that he's just tired after work or something but he just didn't care. Later he complained I don't talk enough. Or that I don't pay enough attention to him.
Yessssss
My stepdaughter, with the phone all the time or interrupting to ask something to her husband or daughter, something trivial that could have waited two more minutes.
Yes - the phones - you’re correct.
When the narcissist cuts you off when your talking about yourself and they are not even talking about the same things it’s like.... hellooooo
The problem with that is when you yourself are the narcissist. You have to cut off people who are conversational narcissists -especialy when they're talking about themselves.
@@steveande6560 ….what you said makes sense in some situations. But truly there are lots of people who are not narcissistic and not allowed to talk much at all because of narcissistic blabbermouths.
There I was in the middle of a love triangle...
Omg I hate that. It happens every-time I i talk. Or try to talk!
They could also have adhd. I do this ALOT I can’t help it. My brain just wants me to blurt out things and be impulsive. I wish people would tell me, I can’t read people very well. I work really hard to let the other person speak but sometimes it’s hard. So I would say let the person know and if they get mad they’re probably a narcissist, if not they’ll back off.
Isn't it interesting how a narcissist can turn any conversation into a competition?
Great video. Thank you.
You two make a great team!
Jesus loves you, and he will listen to you😘
Omg....YES!!! Frustrating AF
Yes, I've noticed some people never ask me anything about myself. The conversation is always about their life experiences. If I try to interject a story from my life, they talk right over me. Eventually I stop spending time with these types as I feel they're simply vomiting into my brain. They're only interested in having an audience to stoke their egos, not really interested in true connection with other people.
Wow! That's a good one! Vomiting into my brain! Great quote-describes exactly an old friend's way of speaking to me... she's going nuts, of course - as she harangues, talks over, etc etc
I think there are some people who do this that are not even capable of truly having a connection to other people. I am not so sure that they even are connecting with themselves as they are bereft of any real insight.
That was so well said!
My friend does that but I’m not sure if that’s narcissism. She always talks about her job & her whole life is about her job. Before she found this job her whole life was talking about how she couldn’t find a job. If she gets an award or any recognition she posts it on FB and all over her wall. Sends texts with pictures. She likes to talk alot about herself but if I cut her off she gets really upset. Idk if this is narcissism but if it is I guess I’m used to dealing w this kind of personality. She loves it when I praise her. She’s not very social online or in person unless she gets drunk. So I guess I answered my own question 😮
@@jacquelynkennedy4568 she sounds very self absorbed! She needs someone to be her audience and cheerleader and she has put you in that role..
I have ADHD and have a number of Neuro-divergent friends. We could all be accused of interrupting or over talking, but I know for certain most of us are very empathetic to suffering of others.
I think the big difference is we tend to be more self deprecating.
How do you stand yourself?
I think that my mom is neurodivergent, and I would often feel invalidated by her, because she would talk over me and she would never ask me much about myself (as if she would forget to do so). I only recently started to feel more empathy for her and understand that it might be because of her neurodiversity. I used to think that she was a narcissist. My dad also has a tendency to go on tangents and take over the conversation, but I think that he is neurotypical. He is a University professor, so having a monologue with others is a habit for him. Dealing with them, I myself started to interrupt a lot, so now I feel like I am being rude at times, but, at least, I express my emptions freely. It's a weird cycle.
I am also neurodivergent and have ADHD. The difference is we can still empathize with others. Talking over people is a bad habit, and it feels like that for me. I am aware that it is a behavior I sometimes do, and we all react differently to being aware of it (self depreciating, apologizing like it's a punctuation, talking even faster to get it over with, ignoring it and dreading that someone would say something, apologizing again, making sure you ask the other person a million questions to make up for the time you spent talking about yourself, etc --- ya know good old anxiety!) A narcissist would just be like "What are you talking about? I don't do that. If anything, that's you."
What is Neurodivergent?
@@blueshoes915 not neuro-typical. People who have brain who function differently.
ADHD, autism spectrum disorder etc...
Yup, they never ask you one freaking question!
“Oh, so we’re done with me” is what goes through your mind when the conversational narcissist butts in after you’ve said three words.
Yes!!
Well said
So true
Yes! Like oh great let’s talk about you and your greatness more than you already have lol. These people live in a dreamworld of them being so above everyone else . It’s insane
i've trained with yankees. "Enough about me, tell me, what do you think about me?"
The advice she gave about writing a novel in your head while the other person is doing their monologue is just hillarious.
They do not approach conversation like normal people ( an exchange of ideas towards mutual understanding and learning), it is simply something else they have to win, dominate, etc. My spouse has the habit of dismissing anything I say in the rudest and most demeaning manner, saying I’m wrong, then just repeats what I said back at me in slightly different words, and claims it as his brilliant idea. If I point this fact out he has a tantrum and yells that he didn’t know that, as he can’t be expected to listed to what I’m saying! No joke!
I just start quietly typing what they say and then send it back to them later.
It’s great advice and funny at the same time !!!👍🙉🙊🙈😂
@@steveande6560 lmao
I would constantly ask my spouse why everything has to turn into an argument. I've learned so much before these videos ny just googling why does this happen, why does that happen, why does he treat me this way. Etc... and domestic abuse would keep popping up along with narcissism. I wish I had seen these videos when I was younger 😕 it totally would have helped me prevent this situation that I am in now.
Their competitiveness comes across, you can feel it. You can feel them stealing the limelight. They steal the oxygen of the so-called relationship by bagging it all for themselves. Very sad, and oh so boring.
#Boring #Descriptive€xercise 💝✔
Yes it gets old and so boring....
It really is such a drag & like being held hostage for the duration of the time listening to them. Even when I tune out I can still hear them droning on in the background. It is such a soulless activity having personal time stolen like that.
Yes - boring.
I had a friend who was a conversational narcissist. It got to the point I would avoid him because I couldn't take his one sided boring long winded conversations. There was never questions about how I was doing or how was my day.
I have a co-worker who spews her crap to me but then when I talk she's looking around the room and at her shirt. She literally can't pay attention to anything that's not about her. She's learned to ask questions of others as a way to open the door so she can just turn the conversation to her drama. Exhausting
I had the same issue and I was stuck with her in my office, she was a new hire. Ok, you need to learn to turn away when she starts with her BS. Do NOT explain what you’re doing, just do it. For instance, you take your phone and call someone in the middle of the conversation, or you walk away, you can say “see ya later” but do NOT explain where you’re going. You see, the more you explain your behavior, it will only get worse. You got to teach her that she doesn’t have any authority or influence in you. Also, You need to mirror what she does, act like her stories are boring you to death. This is the only way you can get out of it. If you don’t change, she will continue making your time miserable.
@@florencia2771 Yes, that's great advice! I actually started doing something like this, I'd just walk away to the bathroom or to another coworker when she came to zap my energy. She started to not come talk to me once she realized I wasn't interested in anything she had to say that was negative/full of drama or ego boosting. I just left. She's not getting fed anymore so she hasn't come around. It's been years I've worked with this person and I started to feel like she will always push my boundaries, react and try to play the victim. My gut knew it and couldn't take it anymore. It's best for my well being that she retreated. It's been a relief to be quite honest. Thanks for responding and well done with your narc coworker!
@@lttlod1 good for you, I’m glad it’s better . These kind of people don’t have good insight and therefore they only seem to understand the hard way.
I do this occasionally . I have ADHD and I can’t help it. If people tell me I would instantly stop. I’m not a narcissistic, I’m just an impulsive talker and I regret everything I say later because I have difficulty controlling my impulses. I don’t have many friends because of it. I do have some friends who understand what I’m really like. I don’t mean harm, just an anxious, an impulsive person. I’m just saying to communicate this person first and let them know you want to speak. My dad does this a lot and I am blunt with him. He doesn’t mean harm either he also has adhd, just an enthusiastic person.
@@happysloth3208 one of my cousins does this and I love her! I have to cut her off sometimes and we laugh about it! Not narcissistic at all just excited to talk. The coworker I refer to in my post, very different. The motive is to drain the person's energy for her benefit. Dr. Ramani made a video on grandiose narcissist traits and my coworker fits the bill. It's all about her in conversations and beyond. She comes to drain energy and starts drama constantly. You sound awesome and I'm glad you have some friends that get you! That's important!
I finally have a name to put on my relationship of 4 years. He always monopolized the conversation. It was always about him, his family, what he is doing. Sad part is I'm a voice person and I loved his voice and would listen. Although we had great conversations about, history, movies, war, music and so on, I rarely got to voice my opinion and when I did he just glazed over it. He has some of the other traits but I didn't feel he was a full blown narcissist, not that he didn't try but he did have empathy although very little.
I was in this relationship three years before I started to notice I was going through the motions I was a shell of who I use to be and I wanted out. I would stay with him for about a week and would have to come home because I was so exhausted. I felt like he was sucking the life out of me. I would sleep 16 hours at a time and took at least three days to feel human again and what did I do, I would go back and do it over and over and over again. Then he pressed a button he should not have pressed. He cheated. That's when I began to do research on why he would treat me like he did when I know I didn't deserve it. Three months of research and I had somewhat of an answer but it was just enough to make me accept if he wasn't a true narcissist he had BPD and there was nothing I was going to be able to do to help him.
One day he yelled at me. I got up packed what little stuff I had there put it in the car went back up stairs and told him," I'm leaving, I'm tired of you treating me like shit. If you need anything don't call me because the answer is NO." Out the door I went. I wish you could have seen the look on his face, total disbelief. Yes we communicated couple times a month because I was teaching him a software program and I felt I should see that though.
My New Year's resolution was to say No and mean it . After the holidays he started again. I would go up show him what he needed to know get up and leave. On on occasion he followed me out the door because that tactic had worked before but I just kept on walking. I have been free of him since the end of February, he is someone else's problem now. I have a lot of work to do but the crying and trying to understand why he treated me so badly are over and I am making progress everyday. I apologize for such a long comment but I really needed to get this out. Thank you for your understanding and the work you do. Many of us are so glad you're here. 💓
No need to apologize, it's really helpful to hear other people's experiences, and I am so glad you've been able to get free!
What is BPD?
My ex would just allow me to talk all the time it got annoying even for me. It felt like it was totally one sided and I wanted him to open up more but he just couldn’t. I rarely knew him. 🤷♀️
@@ashleycoglietti6980 Borderline Personality Disorder.
Don't ever apologise - it was a good story, beautifully written.
And I do love a happy ending. :)
Get up & leave. Tried that once & the person followed me out to my car & kept talking non-stop as I stood there for 10 minutes & finally just got in the car & said, "I really have to get going".
Great video, guys. Thanks.
One time I told a narc to stop talking to me and blocked them, they kept emailing me. I ignored it and didn't respond. (The messages went to the trash bin)
After about 5 unanswered attempts they made a new account and emailed me from that one. I had to block that account too.
Narcs don't stop and don't understand the word "no". They also don't realize/have social cues. Most narcs stick out like a sore thumb.
@@specialtwice4975 I know what you are saying! Also, the flip side of the coin is the covert information gathering types who will not stop asking you an arsenal of personal questions to artfully gather information on you to use against you at a later date. In the beginning of talking with them you may think how nice it is to be speaking to someone who is actually listening but then find that the listening aspect was to gain Intel about you 😕
@@cheatednomore6430 Yes. Why i was super reserved after i got burned a couple times when i was more open.
@@angaeltartarrose6484 Yes, I can understand where you are coming from. I think we all need to be a little more reserved & tempered in how open we are. By doing so we can be more of an observer and pay more attention to our intuition too.
@@cheatednomore6430 yes, that is exactly what happened at the beginning, I thought he was genuinely interested. Nope~he was gathering info on me. You and this video have helped shed some light. Much Love
I am always the only listener at home. My ex was one of these "conversational narcissist", and now i have two more people in my own house who are like this. I have become so quiet around them. Life gets so lonely and suppressed when you live around people like that.
that's horrible. i'm sorry :-(( I hope you have friends you can reach out to.
I’m sorry. Have you tried pointing it out to them and talk to them about it? Maybe they just don’t know they’re doing it.
I feel you. I quit trying to have conversations with my husband years ago.
@@blueshoes915 I have tried, over and over. He is comfortable holding court and is never interested in what anyone else has to say.
He insists “this is how men talk.”
I know. I was always ignored by my narc mom, and siblings. I have worked through my self esteem. However, have difficulties to talk about me. Being a good listener, and my past, I attract narcs. Nowadays, I quickly take my leave and aim for healthy relationships. God bless you.
In my experience, the best thing to deal with a conversational narcissist is to get up and leave the table. I've tried other methods such as talking to them nicely about monopolizing conversations, they don't understand it. The believe what they have to say supersede what the other person has to say. So at any given time when I see the signs of this type of narcissist, I just leave.
I've literally left a friend talking on the phone to me in the other room, after I repeatedly tried to clearly state that I was going to be right back, only to find them still talking about themselves and with obviously no need for an occasional comment or agreement from myself.
I've done that! Lol!
@@misha2197 So have I LOL
😂😂😂 true!! Like are you really seriously still talking???
@@pnutbuttababi24 Lmfaooooo it's almost like they're trolling 😅
Sadly my mother!
Yes Iv'e noticed that good people get often rudely interrupted by these types,I often go back and say tell me what you where saying before
It's even more refreshing when you can take them.to the stifled point!
Self reflective ✔✔✔
You're one of the good ones!
I'm the type that used to do that a lot. my attention span is pretty short (hypervigilance) and I tried to be present in the moment by talking myself. also I just get too excited sharing information or anectodes.
at some point people got super frustrated and I straight up told them to be honest with me. I gave them permission to stop me or tell me to just listen. that helped me so much! my close friends even make jokes about it or give me a talk time out :D
therapy was important too to understand the underlying issues though.
I do that also. Too often it has to be done more than a couple of times because the narc continues to try to steal the entire spotlight.
I had a co-worker that is this way. We would go out and she would talk and talk about herself only even if I mentioned something about myself it would always revolve around her. I just stopped talking at some point and stopped going out with her as it became exhausting.
Middle MGT material 😂😂😂
Am actually working with someone like this, i even did a challenge "there is no way you can make thos about your self challenge "where i would start conversations with the most random topic," and immediately they will zero on on one word and off they go,i might say my friend Joseph and i are planning a vacation and they will go my cousin is called Joseph, he is abcd and on and on,and when i try to bring the conversation back to me you can feel them physically react,like they get tense,every conversation is just them talking at me and me as the audience, it get exhausting .
you ever mention it to her?
@@shiningarmor8709 i feel you bro. Ive only ever opened up the this person three times and ive known them for a year. The last time, i kept persisting and didnt let the convo switch back to her. She replied via voice message like “idk idk uhh idk idk idk”. People at work do call her socially awkward but she isnt awkward with me so idk whats up with her
I think the art of conversation needs to be taught early on. It is natural to some, but not to all. It is a skill that can be taught. Loneliness can definitely cause verbal diarrhea.....
So true! I have found that when I have gotten together with people post pandemic, everyone seems to need to dump! 😊
I read how to win friends and influence people. Applied it but it made me feel really fake and actually attracted narcissists. I try to value loneliness now. But I'm with you, we are not taught the art of conversation.
@@SorbetCitron17 rarely even witnessed it. I've been talked at a whole bunch tho. ...... i can approve and provide proof of verbal diarrhea... i've toned it down or at least recognize it in excessive detail while its happening until i feel i've provided enough of an example. I'll ramble on until i see some sign of acknowledgement... ever encounter anyone who seems to literally count to 5 until they consider responding? ...good lord its good, i cant stand its effectiveness.
Amen... I'm so out of practice these days ... I catch myself nervous talking... ugh 😬
I can definitely relate to the hijacking of convos out of loneliness, or not being heard.
I’ve been a bit of a “lone wolf” for most of the last 25 years (largely as a result of what happened when my “narc” sister did something that traumatised me in a big way and left me in a big mess psychologically) and sometimes it will have been weeks, if not months since the last time someone asked me “how are you?” and actually wanted to hear a genuine answer, and as a result, I’ll just talk and talk for the whole conversation.
Once it’s over, I’ll realise I talked about myself the whole time and they barely got a word in, and that can of course just exacerbate the problem, because they’re probably going to be less keen to talk to me in the future as a result.
Which can leave you even more isolated.
Yes, yes, yes! They seem to admire their own voice and love hearing themselves talk....in other words "they never shut up!!"
Cr g
I think we all have traits on the narcissistic spectrum but, the difference between a narcissistic person and a regular person, is that a narcissist would never ask themselves is this who they are.
Yep! Because narcissism is equal to selfishness. All humans have a level of selfishness and narcissism to them. It is innate in one’s DNA to want to protect them selves. It is our own well-being that we must look after for because we are the only ones responsible for self. I can’t stand it when people start coming up with new terminology‘s and making them sub contacts or sub sub contacts. It’s ridiculous and quite insane in my opinion. Just like our government when they make laws and then they make laws for the law and then another law for the law that is within another law. It’s crazy
A narcissist will never do any introspection whereas anyone with any sense of themselves or empathy will question their behaviour. Narcissists won’t ever do this. Ever. They don’t care. Period.
It’s more than just asking if you’re a narcissist, narcissists could know what they’re doing and not care at all.
i suspect i know one who has, crazy story it was thought to another, same dude who gave her a gaslighting book =\.... made some things obvious. denied to the end. but if you read these threads, or the videos, how could you agree...? seeing the response and disgust. kinda makes it worse yes?.... food for thought.
@@spiritual2020 i believe its from trauma. i used to agree with you 100%. but when professionals talk to eachother, it sure does help to have specific frameworks to reference, the spew onto the internet is where we agree. government... bad but l can gather a sense of how it hppens. blanket statements are hard :-) assume there are good smart people out there that have different bliefs, try to find why they believe its good. or atleast best available so far. i was glad i did.
"There is nothing more interesting than other people"
Absolutely true 👍
Right ? What a great way to look at life !
The only thing more interesting than other people....
...is ME ME ME ME
Except maybe animals and plants. And some cars.
The older you get, the less this is true... People, like movie scripts and news outlets become highly predictable.
@@NeonCicada 😆
“Just leave.” OMG that’s life changing advice! I love that!!!!!! Like Kyle, I’ve often gone ahead and accidentally enabled by asking questions, or been entertained by the train wreck that is the “show” they’re putting on. Like the guy that whips out the acoustic guitar at a house party and half the people leave, I’ve been the person that stays behind to watch the freak show of the remaining guests have to squirm uncomfortably at his terrible narcissistic destruction of the party. Guilty as charged. But next time I’m just going to leave. What a revelation! My time is valuable? I can do something else? No way!
It’s fun to screw with them and And they don’t even know it, lol.
I was married to a narcissistic husband - police officer for 30 years. Our marriage was violent, physical, mentally, verbally abusive before we were engaged. I made excuses for his behavior for a long time and now realize I enabled him. The last time I seen him was when he sent me to the hospital in an ambulance. That was the last straw. I have been in counseling for 5 years for PTSD from my abuser. Thank you Kyle and Dr. Ramani for these educational videos. Everything your talking about is exactly how I lived with jealousy, controlling, mean, power, titles, gas lighting me, he was evil, etc. I was painting the spare…ran out of paint was going to the paint store and he said you can’t go looking like that…I said why? Put some clean clothes on…I said I truly believe the hardware store will understand I ran I out of paint and need more? Oh! Did he get so mad that I changed clothes to avoid another argument or fight. After our divorce I had to find myself of who I am….I am back to a simple basic lifestyle and I am truly happy now and NOT walking on eggshells anymore. He never handled stress very well, raising the kids, having a baby, construction on the house, garage, etc…he would just snap. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards him still after 10 years for ruining my life and my kids life’s. I will never forgive him for his behavior and how he damaged each one of us under that roof.
Every time you guys talk about narcissism I always think "oh God I think a might do that!"
It's important to remember that most of these things, NOT just in reference to narcissism, are very normal. What makes something a perceivable problem is when it really gets outside the norm of frequency, depth, balance, self-awareness, intensity, safety, etc.
Ik she explains this a bit it's just important to remember it's not only related to this subject matter.
What's amazing is many people say that Narcissists are self centered,. when their Self Centered themselves..Nobody can't speak truth,can't say anything about others wrong doings..Can't ask people questions,.they call Narcissists selfish,. when their Selfish themselves by trying to have everything their own way..Narcissists are very Controlling,. but the very ones talking about Narcissists want Control themselves..its Insanity.
Me too! This entire episode - I’m thinking “God! I think this is me! I’m horrified! So embarrassed 🙈
I just did the same thing.
After being caught within two narc relationships, one for 10 years, I check myself all the time. It's easy to pick apart these topics and find where I've done this too, often within protecting myself or it just gets taken differently by a true narc, or I'm reflecting behavior I'm sensing to see how it plays out. If you are honestly checking your motives, you're good!
My coworker does this A LOT! She’s even started pointing out that I seem sad. It’s true, I have a total mood shift around her, and I can’t even hide it anymore. It’s so draining to be corrected all the time by how she thinks I should perceive reality and how she thinks she is the expert, when I and other coworkers have literally been doing life longer (we’re older) and our job longer. Go figure.
I have a coworker like this too. I simply shut down and don’t engage in the conversation. He tries to start a convo and I just look away and go back to what I was doing and I feel 1000x better now that I’m not his dumping ground to tell me all his problems while never letting me get a word in edge wise.
Tell her you’d be happier ….”if people would shut up, people talk too much.”
Intense
💩 You seem sad... yes its a side effect of you girl. :)
At least she's noticed you seem sad.
A real narc wouldn't notice or even care unless there was something in it for themselves (for instance putting you down in order to make themselves look the better person).
In the old days, we called conversational narcissists "one upper's." These people, and I was somewhat one of them, always take what you say and "one up" you. This makes perfect sense.
It's really frightening how many people have no empathy or awareness. I love meeting new people and learning about them until they show this behavior. Then I get so turned off, I just shut down. I'd say at least 60% of new people I meet are like this and have no interest in getting to know me or my husband. It's just so sad really. It'd be a much nicer world if more people had self awareness. It's so stupid because when you actually dig and ask questions, people are really interesting.
No, they're not
yes yes yes. i have ways of shaking, do engage.
It's frustrating trying to build new relationships and finding out someone is like that
I'm glad you said 60% bc I have also noticed many, many people are like this!
Love you guys!! The last narcissist I dated..... it was a short relationship, but I found myself saying to her, on a few occasions, "Do you want this to be a conversation or a monologue? Because right now it's just your monologue going on."
Great line!
That would've been perfect with my narc of 10 years, I was his audience for his monologues / lectures. Too bad I didn't have this understanding of it back then. Lessons to remember in moving forward! Thank
Love that! I’ll try this next chance.
@@raew5263 Thanks! My dad was a theater teacher. LOL
My dad would reply with “now you know how I feel”. Let the gaslighting begin when you call a true narc out!
I finally found a name for what I used to do. I felt so horrible knowing I had done this, even if it was largely due to me not being aware of social cues ( due to autism, PTSD, my mother always being the conversational narcissist, etc ).
I won't lie, when I was called out for this behavior, I was genuinely scared to talk for fear I would do it again. Then I believe my roomies did what Kyle would do, and continue asking questions until they'd drop me off for work and I'd get out of the car realizing I didn't know a thing about how their day was going. It was kind of damaging to realize I'd been led to that cliff again, and I found myself blaming myself for not turning it around and asking them.
I'm not trying to excuse my behavior at all, but it can definitely paint a misleading picture when this behavior is something you're trying to fix and someone keeps leading you to keep talking. ( Esp when you're autistic and aren't great at communication in the first place. )
You sound so self aware... I have similar issues. I think mine stem from loneliness/no primary relationship where I'm listened to. Same embarrassing outcomes. Just realizing this is a thing that's crucial I get in check, or at least confess to the person I catch myself 'run-on-talking' to (at. ouch.).
I’m sometimes that friend who asks questions but if I stop, the other person doesn’t say anything so it’s awkward. Maybe that’s how your friends are feeling? They can only have a conversation with you if they ask questions about you.
@@TaymaShine This is something that would sometimes depend on how I felt, but for the most part these were people that at one point I was really close with and used to be able to talk to freely. But when they would do this Q&A bit with me there was no real space for me to ask anything between my answer and the next question. I won't rule out what you said tho, bc it's likely that's why they did that in the first place. We just had history that would suggest otherwise.
@@eugeniebreida1583 One day at a time. We'll get it right. Being self aware is just the first step to getting better.
@@dacrylalia Thanks Avery. And sorry I did not respond well to the entirety on your initial comment, but only to where 'I fit in'. (hmmm). Now that I reread your clearly written point, to which I am very embarrassed to say I had knee jerk responded with 'what I could relate to', I would say your friends were toying with you. Sounds evil (which was my impression of Kyle when he mentioned he sometimes does this to others, wow/ugh).
Maybe one of these guys was your true friend once, maybe both . . .but it seems to me that they have bonded (? or something like it) and were entertaining themselves at your expense. Maybe they were testing you, I don't know. Not at all nice.
I am sorry and hope you have other options for social interaction. In times of covid many many of us have very few social interactions, thus those we do have are prized, and should ideally be validating.
(Working on this, my hood is full of parents prioritizing their young offspring - so the in person
pickins are slim for equal exchange.)
I had a Histrionic friend who did this. She was an expert on most things she talked about. It’s amazing how one person can know so much. 🤔
It's all about learning to balance listening and talking, the art of conversation, and manners, that's effective communication 👍
And truly caring about the other person and being interested in them, not just interested in maintaining a conversation.
You're so good. This is exactly what's happening to me. He dominates every conversation. He goes on and on for hours, just about himself, his accomplishments, about topics that he's interested in. But when I try to say something he immediately accuses me of being talkative and shuts me up. So it's alright if he talks for hours but I should just keep my mouth shut.
YES! This is EXACTLY what my sister does!
They literally want us present as the audience.
I get it, I'm on committees and some people just don't shut up, add no value, just boast about their own agenda and waste precious productive work. I see this all the time and for this reason I keep my opinions short so everyone gets a chance!
I am having PTSD thinking about committees what a nightmare all the frustrated narcs turning up to get their audience .I would go home and hit the bottle 😂
So many people in my family do this but I don’t think it’s just “i should get to talk because im so interesting so of course anything I say is interesting”
I think it’s a power thing. My grandmother in particular will DOMINATE a conversation and she will have this smug manic glee in her eyes, like “I’m boring you, and you’re not gonna stand up to me. That’s how powerful I am”
BEING INSPIRED VERSUS BEING DRAINED IS THE KEY FOR WHAT THE ENERGY IS; FOR REAL.
Now I understand it!!! Living with 2 highly talkative people under one roof, sometimes when I have the chance to talk to someone I'm becoming a conversational highjacker. Painful the moment when I catch myself doing that...
Yeah I feel so embarrassed especially after
I agree. I know I am an empathetic person who is curious about other people, but this description applied a little too much to how I operate in conversations for my comfort!
😿👋@@sadrevolutionme too!
I realise Ive had so many friends like that, can speak for an hour and not once will they ask about me. Several family members are like this too, the males mostly will dominate the conversation and ridicule you if you have a divergent opinion
I've had friends who go on for hours about their entire life story and it takes the whole night. Like, dude, I was there, I know you. Can we talk about something else now? What are we supposed to do with all this information?
Oh, 100%! I just realized my "nicest" guy friend does this. It is so infuriating and hurtful. :( I'm sorry you go through this. 💛
So true.
I was in a relationship with someone like this. I have never felt so erased in my life. Brilliant and fascinating man. But he would either interrupt me in the middle of my first sentence and go off on an unrelated monologue, or if he did give me a little space to express myself (or I grabbed it), it felt like he was disciplining himself to "listen," and as soon as it was his turn, the topic would revert to him.
“Erased” - wow, that’s such a powerful and chilling word for it. “Extinguished” was the word I felt in my spirit after being in a relationship with a narcissist. And yes, they are ALWAYS brilliant and fascinating, in my experience! I’ve gotten to where if someone is “too” interesting right off the bat, my impulse is to run in the other direction.
@@WhollyRedefined "extinguished" is also a good word for it. And yeah...totally agree about too fascinating...could def be a red flag. Hadn't thought of it that way, but yeah.
If he does this always then it's a sign but what if the topics just bore him. I do this with the gf sometimes, I don't always find social interactions that interesting and I can only faint interest for a while.
@@chansonette22 fascinating.. how? Could you maybe elaborate on that a bit? If that's ok
@@infiltr80r oh for sure that's a possibility. Since we have a LOT in common, our conversations tended to be of mutual interest. He just wasn't interested in...you know...my side of the conversation 😋😎🤣
Thank you for mentioning the "victims" in relationships with conversational narcissists. That they might come off as conversational hijackers because they finally get to speak. I'm guilty of that too. I've had so many narcissists in my life because I ask about them and show interest in them.
YES!
❤
I observe this often with my boss. The one that sticks out the most to me was the alarm guy talking about his daughter learning how to drive and her being stressed out about heavy traffic in the Boston area. Less than a minute in the conversation my boss switched it to her trip to Egypt and how awful the traffic is there. Me being the sarcastic ass that I am interrupted the conversation to say " yeah, the next time your daughter is anxious about driving tell her to be thankful she's not driving in Cairo."
😂👏
😂🤣😂
That's jokes 🤣 Good one 👍
I don't know your boss but i think the conversations are related. Conversations comparing trafic from town to town and country to country are very common.
LOL 😆😆😆 CLASSIC! Bravo to you! I love a smart ass! Brilliant to their dumbasses!
I am a listener and had to laugh at myself a few months ago. I work from home and feel very isolated because of COVID. My landlady stopped by and I talked, talked, talked! I didn't want her to leave.
Lol I did this at a doctors office. I apologized as I was leaving because I realized I had distracted her by yapping away.
Yeah, if this video was made during Covid it is my opinion that was not the correct time to be posting this. By the way I didn’t look at the date of when it was created. I also believe a lot of RUclips creators start making up excuses or more pretty words to label people as narcissists. A lot of narcissists can you talk for an hour while you just stand there and take it. I was married to a covert malignant narcissist for 15 years and he used to stand and talk to me for over an hour and it got so bad that I wanted to just throw up anytime he wanted to ‘talk’ to me.
Like seriously, Dr. Ramani, I do respect you and believe that you are intelligent about narcissism but keep it simple. And let’s stop coming up or adding more words to make labels on narcissism. Many different forms of narcissism talk talk talk. We all can talk talk talk but it doesn’t mean at all a person that talks a lot is a ‘ conversational narcissist’. This whole narcissism subject has gone to far!! Did I use the word talk enough times? LOL
@@spiritual2020 barbara, barbara....i have been suffering with my brother for years! I knew he hogged conversations. I knew he lacked empathy with me. Dr. Ramani just labeled my brother. I was thinking he was a narc, but not quite sure. I literally feel sick when he drones on for two horrible hours. Ramani knows her stuff! Thank you, Dr. Ramani.
I had a similar conversation recently with a client who holds narcissistic traits but wouldn't necessarily be a conversational narcissist. They simply lack the social skills to be curious to ask questions about other people. Like Kyle, someone who asks questions is important to me. In my work, I hold space for others to relate to their trauma. So in my personal life when someone doesn't ask questions about me or others the connection will fizzle quickly. We should be curious about each other to create healthy connections.
could you speak to everyone i know please.
I've watched a number of these narcissism videos and have come to realize my mother is a narcissist. She takes over every conversation about how she thinks everything should be. Anything I say is tossed aside as though I am wrong, every time. As a result, I've come to just letting her do all the talking and letting it go in one ear and out the other. It has taken a lifetime for me to learn this.
Me too Sharon, but it’s my father. I’ve learned to not go too deep into anything. Since he’s now 87, he clings to anything i day and calls me all the time for updates. He still complains about my Mom and they’ve been divorced for 48 years!
Just as a standard mechanic of conversation I always try to relate the topic to my own experience. Some might perceive this as always making the conversation about me, but it's actually intended as a tool to demonstrate empathy and understanding to build rapport.
When you have Dr. Ramini on your RUclips channel, you are lucky
I've experienced a certain kind of conversational hijacker. The way I describe it is they don't know how to take turns. They will say one sentence which leads to another which leads to another which leads to....
I once said something to a woman like this; I don't remember her answer exactly, but AFAIR she told me to just interrupt her. Since then I have met others and occasionally I have interrupted and found that they interrupted me back almost immediately. So it becomes:
-- five minutes of them talking;
-- half a sentence from me;
-- five more minutes of them talking;
-- a few words from me;
until finally I do make an excuse to leave. What I want to tell them but have never tried is, "Please say one thing and then STOP. I will say something and then stop, and we can take turns." I don't know, though, if real conversational narcissists do understand that they just don't stop, or even recognize when they're at the end of a thought.
my mother was a narcissist and i (daughter of) was her scapegoat. she was also a conversational narcissist. in my adult life i had a similar conversational style but with counseling, help, and my own reflection, i've learned that it is something i 'learned' from the cradle. i'm empathic and i did self-monitoring before i knew what it was. i continue to work on changing this pattern and others which i've learned that i absorbed like a sponge. i was a very silent child, never felt 'safe', and spent a lot of time on my own and in 'hiding' to keep myself outside of the family drama. learning basic healthy skills like "healthy conversation" is an ongoing exercise in my adult life.
I saw two conversational narcissists talking to each other. Obviously the guy kept listening so attentively because the girl seemed physically so attractive to him. He was investing the only thing he never gives anyone - Time and attention.
My husband was a conversational Narcissist.I was talking to my spiritual family when I had a chance to be with them , they didn’t understand me. They were not willing to listen to me. I just became silent , Now that I am out of the abuse , I always find myself talking about my experiences with my ex Narcissist when I find someone who is willing to listen, sometimes I feel really embarrassed after the conversation. Jesus what Narcissistic abuse does to a person is 😢.
It’s okay hun I can relate the effects of abuse do wear off x
I felt you sis
I have one of these in my life. She goes so far as to sometimes completely ignore what I say, then go on to talk about something about her. She’s incredibly generous in other areas of life. Oh, and she always KNOWS about __________ whatever difficulty/frustration I may share. She was an only child, and 5 minutes into a “conversation” with her father and I thought, “OH! Well this explains EVERYTHING!!”
To think of all the times I respectfully listened the same stories over and over by the conversational narc who was in my life. She was my best friend and suddenly ended our friendship after 18 years. It has plagued me from time to time, however after this video, I don't care anymore.
My ex-best-friend is the same way. She dropped me out of nowhere because she had hurt my feelings and she uses to constantly hijack conversations while tuning out when I spoke. It's no way to have a friendship. I'm so sorry you went through this--These kinds of people are so damaging and not worth it. 💛
@@sunnyisland6832 thank you for your condolences. I'm grateful for her exit. I'm sorry you had to go through it too, but we are stronger and able to see things for what they really are.
Omg yes!! I can tell my neighbors hometown stories word for word I've had to hear them so many times,I kid you not. Another neighbor does this as well,only she goes,on, and on and on about herself and her adult children and her life. No matter what I try to say,she interupts me, NEVER,letting me finish one single sentence. I've been nice. I've been rude as f@#k ,it doesn't matter. Flat out telling her what she's doing,nothing makes her stop. I could be talking about the worst crisis ever in my life,She doesn't CARE. She will interupt,to say,"I think I'll make chili dogs"...for real...so I started doing it to her. It didn't make her stop,but it's funny
I have noticed I sometimes become a conversational hijacker, but I do not have social anxiety. But it clicked at the end when Ramani said the bit about being lonely, I have several friends, but none that I could say are real close friends. Because I fear intimacy and usually just deflect everything with humor, but suddenly I have those episodes were I make everything about me and hijack conversations to only talk about how great I am, which made me wonder later if I was a narcissist myself. But I did not share all the other traits of narcissism, so here it finally clicked that since I sabotage myself because I fear intimacy, despite having several friends, I feel really lonely. So each time I do that, it must be me doing a crying out for help, wanting to be validated by other people, wanting them to see my worth, not knowing other way to reach intimacy other than people thinking I deserve it. But that always backfires because it drives people away. And me not wanting to be vulnerable, plus finding unhealthy ways to reach intimacy is what has brought me to this point.
Thankfully, the pandemic, has allowed me to look inside, which is why I am being purposely vulnerable right now. Because I do not want to be like that anymore. And now knowing the root of the problem, is only validation that I do indeed need to work on my fear of intimacy and allow myself to be vulnerable.
I started doing something like this at the end of a friendship I had with a narcissist. I wasn't acting better than her but I would take up the whole conversation and wouldn't let her talk. I noticed it and wondered why, then realized it was a anxiety type of self protection because I didn't want to hear her negative comments anymore.
Someone does that to me but because they just don't want to fix their own problems by STOP doing what they repeatedly keep doing , and they dislike hearing me telling them hoe to stop it, because they don't want to put in the work to fix themselves. So instead it's keep talking because they are also addicted to being a victim and drama. It's especially annoying when it is a guy doing this.
@@ms.anonymousinformer242I’m just pointing out that anxiety causes over talking. The most I’ve seen a narcissist do is bring the conversation back to themselves regardless of what your going through, they’ve done it better or so dealt with so much worse.
i did that with someone too, he just never knew when to shut the fuck up and let other people have lives outside of his opinions
My sister in law said I wouldn't let her talk which isn't true cause I can be a good listener too. But I found in that case I would cut her off because what she was telling me I didn't want her to say it because I wanted her to try to let it bother her and she shouldn't give it any notice
I meant to say I wanted her(my sister in law) to try to not let it bother her
wow his standard of just asking one question about you. I will employ that.
Neat. You just gave me the piece I needed to understand what I am struggling with right now.
When your spouse was raised in a narcissistic household, he then may emulate what he learned. So when he takes over conversations you.are unheard.
Then when you are in public, you are desperate to be heard and talk way too much. Some people judge too fast, and do not realize why you are doing that.
The spouse immediately competes and tries to win rather than fixing the problem when discussed, until it has a moment to settle, and then he comes back and decides to try to work on it.
Once the conversation improves, the symptoms stop, and both people have a much more healthy relationship, despite how hard it was to fix the problem innitially. Those who have withstood narcissism intact, long term can be hard headed.
Even kind, loving people need to stand up for themselves and not be a doormat if they want things to change. When the problems are not solved long term no matter how you prove your point, then you are not dealing with stubbornness. Then it could be a personality disorder.
one-sided??!!!! I may as well not be there. He doesn't let me say a word! And if I do get a word in, he finishes my thoughts with his own story.
I would like my "N" to start a conversation, at times, by, in an authentic way, asking me how I am doing. Or what do I think or feel about something. Show curiosity about me. Also, would like him to not vomit his whole "report" on me nonstop and always FIRST.. Leave room for dialogue and intimate connection. Barring this, then better to leave.relationship.
@@jenniferhampton5171 Never gonna happen...they start talking...but never to you...at you! and when you think it is your turn to speak... it's not....lol it's all about them...or if you say something... it's either a fight or you get completely blown off like the phone rings or they remember they have to call someone or walk away...I mean hats my experience...and it happens every day all-day like clockwork! 4 years of this...groundhog day it feels like...I've tried everything...not once have we had a conversation... plenty of his monologues lol
Yeah it feels.very strange its like are you baving a conversation with yourself.? Me?. Or someoneelse? lol i actualy asked this..lol be gave me a dazed puzzeled look and said no?!
Oh jeez yes! OR start barking instead of speaking if they think you either don’t get it or god forbid don’t agree. Sometimes you think they’re having a conversation with their own thoughts. It’s like someone please PLEASE walk into this room right now and just hit me to snap me out of this confusion vortex.
@@sonya3711 oh. Check this out. Mine talks to himself then gets mad when I interrupt. Lmao.
You just described my ex, and my sister. It is truly miserable to be in a conversation with them. They talk over people, and really do suck all the air out of the room.
Oh thank you how nice you have described it. I thought it is only me who feels this way.
My husband and I each had a friend who did this he a male and I hade a female friend. we often discussed i viting them over to see who would win the verybal arm wretling contest...we never did it and are sorry we didnt.
The evilness of an assorted plethora of people is probably why the suicide and mental health is so lovely.
I am definitely in the lonely conversationalist category, because of my relationship of 5 years with a covert narcissist that I am currently working to get out of. Which has been a challenge because of lack of funds to leave or when I did have funds was convinced to stay. But, I also did not realize that I was in a relationship with a narcissist until about 3-4 weeks ago. So now my vision has changed and I am driven to get out and am working on my exit plan.
Good for you. You seem like a lovely and kind person. You deserve peace and reciprocal conversations with gentle, warm people.
OMG! I just came back from a week long trip with a new travel partner and this describes her to a T!
On the way back from the airport she had the nerve to say the trip would have been more fun but I was too boring. There wasn't enough oxygen in the room for me to get a word in edgewise. To say one thing nice about her: She was so talky and pushy that we did get the nicer tables in restaurants where we didn't have reservations. But I will never allow myself to get trapped this way, with this person, ever again. It just so exhausting.
I experience this with my roommate. Her specialty is in the form if taking the side opposite, Devil’s advocate style, of anything I say. I have to stop myself from engaging with it. Sometimes, all people need in conversations with friends, is just a little validation, to say, “I hear you,” as opposed to constantly taking the opposite side of issues (which she knows nothing about). It’s just a tiresome tug-of-war/pedantic style is exhausting.
My boyfriend is this way--It's exhausting, degrading, rude and so frustrating. I'm sorry you go through this! I agree that acknowledgement is so important. 💛
i wanna talk, and i would lso play devils advocate by saying i desperately need feedback, give me some sign that you actually hear me. its also a good thing to be able to talk differences. considering other options is good self regulation. its easy to veer tooo far to one side. could be asking for the reason you say, she knows nothing about. ive had that struggle, people mishear and attack, i was genuinely curious why people feel away and i cant find what their talking about and no one will tell me what it was... idk wtf
ooo the grammar... bad, if you can, ignore it
My brother does this. We always said that he would become a lawyer because he loves to argue “the opposite side.” He DID and he became even worse! God help us! 😂
My husband and I stopped inviting most people over to the house even before the pandemic. My m.i.l. highjacks the conversation and tells the same stories over and over again. She has more issues than just narcissism, but it's so tedious.
Same with my boyfriends mother.. she will take over every situation in every event, every conversation. They all allow her to get away with it and because my boyfriend is the youngest out of all his siblings because she had him way later in life he just blames it on her old age.
@@miimonalisa Yes. People who don't know m.i.l well (and even some who know her better) pass it off as old age. Fortunately, my husband and I are on the same page. It's lonely not being able to say anything to those well-meaning souls who don't deal with it all the time.
MIL.probabaly lonely.You need to visit more ask questions about her childhood.Be interested in her.Then your relationship will improve.I see that Love is the missing ingredient in our conversations. NOT everyone has it All together as you seem to .We are people with different interests and foibles.Just because someone talks a lot does not mean they should be labelled.Every human has value and should be listened to.
This sounds exactly like my mother! A few months ago she went to my sister’s house and spoke about herself and the past for 3 hours straight. It made my sister’s partner very u comfortable. I drove my mother home and confronted her about. Then she started in on me. She was speaking for something that happened to our family which shouldn’t be privy to other people. Then she accused me of being ashamed. Actually I am. I don’t want dirty laundry aired. Then the topic turned to other things in our family and she basically told me that I don’t need love from her because because I’m an adult. She got out of the car laughing saying
@@elsavandyk847 No. When a person dominates the conversation in an unhealthy way you will know it. The best thing to do is sit through it and endure it. The person dominating the conversation has no care about who is listening. They will air dirty laundry and tell embarrassing stories on others just to maintain the spotlight. They just need all eyes on them and that’s enough for them. Trust me. I know from years and years of experience.
After spending years with the narcissists, I escaped and tried to befriend nicer people. I soon realized that I was being "too much". I went to counseling and was told that I was used to being unheard and now I just needed to calm down and pull back a little. I was so grateful for that information. I am much calmer in conversations and I don't call people too often.
Sadly, I was taught that it was rude to ask people questions about themselves! Both my parents were narcs, my dad an alcholic & my mom a teetotler who said to me for years " If you can't do better than that, nobody's ever going to love you!" And "If you don't stop doing that nobody's ever going to love you!" 'That' was most often asking questions. When I was in my late thirties she got me a refrigerator magnet that said "Somebody loves you - Me" By then I knew it was an absolute lie. It was just a manipulation to try to get me to do more for her.
WOW! We must be siblings! That is exactly how I was raised, and by whom. I could have written that whole paragraph.
My in laws are like that. They think it is intrusive to ask questions so they don’t show any interest in me.
OH MY GOSH!! You finally described what I have been experiencing. This type of narcissist is more spot-on than any of the other types I have heard you talk about in your other videos. You went on to say that some people who are not narcissist might overrun a conversation because they are never heard. That's me!!!! I have been saying that to my best friend for years. I always apologize when I talk to her because I overrun the conversation. I apologize and tell her I'm sorry, it's just that I never get to talk to anybody. Also I am very socially awkward and I have said the same thing to the same friend. I tell her that the only thing I know for a certainty is me, but that makes it sound like I'm bringing the conversation back to me, but that's the only thing I know to talk about. Dr. Ramani please do a RUclips video on this particular type of narcissist. Thank you for all you do.
I experience the same, afraid to talk or freeze when it's my turn vs. rambling and not listening very well. I agree , would love a video on this. Keep on keeping on💝
This can be weird, though, when the other person, despite being coaxed, just isn't forthcoming at all. I will ask things like, "What kind of a week have you had," hoping to get some details, and they say "Oh, nothing much." I try to get creative ..."Well, what about your daughter? Is she still enjoying her night classes?" "Yes, I think so." Erm...
I always feel, with this particular VERY GOOD friend-she's a lovely person, very funny as well, and one of life's practical 'do-ers-that I do all the talking. But I really DO try to get her to tell me things about herself. And she just doesn't open up. If I wait in silence, hoping she'll finally open up, she just asks ME a question instead. I find myself babbling when I'm with her, or on the phone to her, because otherwise it's just ...silence. It's very strange. I think she's more comfortable when other people do the talking, although she certainly isn't shy. She also doesn't like to choose what we are going to do either. "What restaurant would you like to meet at?" "I don't care. Any one will do." That sort of thing.
Every time I am blue and disoriented cause someone's narcissistic behavior kicked my proverbial ass, I can find a youtube video you have made, Dr Ramani, that explains what the heck just happened. Last night was one of the many times with this video. You are awesome too Kyle Kittleson! Thank you both for all you do. ❤
I've been on a bit of a binge of your videos Dr. Ramani, this one is good. My mom seems to be a mix of a conversational, covert and cheerful narcissist. Talking to my mom is just a parade of her glory days and saying "im really good at that" when in fact it was a hobby she had in her 20's and hasn't done for decades and has never done them in my lifetime. Shes a great skier, canoer, flute player, swimming, figure skater, apparently she could conduct orchestra by age 5, shes been every kind of university major but never actually graduated with a degree and many more. It seems like anything I am sharing about my hobbies, interests or experiences is railroaded by her amazing talent for it despite in my 26 years of life, never seeing her do these activities. Our conversations are very one sided as well, it is a pain to get anything out. Our whole family has a bit of a running joke that sometimes when my mom is ranting we just put the phone down and step away, we can come back 30 seconds - 1 minute later and she will still be going on, not even realizing that no one is talking to her.
That is my husband! To a tee! I don’t even start conversations with him anymore. He’ll make it about him no matter what.
This was great. I just learned about this the other day. It’s very dismissive when someone does this- it’s like they dismiss and then rewrite the conversation with their own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs. It’s so annoying. I had several people in my life that I noticed did this. I heard it was called Narcissistic Listening or something.
i had to do the same, but stayed diligent to be noble. everybody else was odoing it, but ver very poorly.
I can’t believe I get Romani for free❤️
Ramani 😊
The Doc is a certified OG 👌
I see this all the time and yet I’ve been guilty of doing it as well. I’ve noticed that generally people just genuinely want to share their experience regarding the topic brought up in the conversation
I have found it can be difficult to resist to do this and it’s not necessarily hijacking to me yet trying to be polite. It’s a good thing to be mindful of. Self improvement
agreed. i also find value in being able to remember where and when, you do get to resume you know... no need to get mad, if you get mad, you lose the right (figuratively) to call them out. they shared, feel better, you point it out, lil jabs help feel fair, and they have the potential to realize and a little embarassment helps them remember, but if you get mad and all that... wont work
I completely agree with what you say at 6 minutes, been married 15-years every conversation is hijacked. Almost every single time I say something his knee-jerk reaction is "No!" And then he'll go onto explain how I was either inaccurate or totally wrong and he's the authority. We actually had a few good laughs about it at one point in time when I started calling him out on this behavior.
When it turns into a serious problem perhaps a child''attempting to talk to a mother'' and everytime the child makes the effort to discuss a problem - the mother takes the conversation immediately away from the child and makes it all about them and their problems - or the narcissits will explode and be defensive that the child is blaming them for the problem you want to discuss, the child ends up giving up ever trying to talk to that parent. Because they are always ''shut down''...in one way or another....
dude this just recently started happening to me and my mom... i cant talk about nuthin... im 34... =\
but we just talk shit and laugh, since i havent shared, she doesnt know she's steppin all over my buttons, and i get to use flavorful language and she doesnt nkow how true the things are that i say lol. coping mechanisms... seems to keep things even keel, but im not okay. .... hmmm... idk
Exhausting engaging in a one sided venting session especially when the narcissist is completely unable to recognise you as a partner in the conversation and has no interest in involving you by asking questions about your experiences. If you attempt to engage or have a differing view , they may talk over the top of you, dismiss your views and proceed to ramble on about themselves.
Minimise contact and then quietly let go and focus on relationships where there is equitable, balanced conversation. Don't keep wasting your breath.
I absolutely relate to all of what you said!
I understand some folks are not necessarily conversation intelligent and perhaps everyone has done this or caught themselves doing this!
That's the DIFFERENCE, a person who does this on a rare basis who is not a Narcissist is self aware!
I was married to a Narc for 24 years and both myself and the kids would dread and STILL dread the minute he would start talking! It was also embarrassing for me in front of friends and family members.
I low and behold found another one 😭 been together for 3 years and he is just the SAME! You get to the point where you don't want to engage about anything, anymore because it will never end and go into 10 different subjects and you're left with your head spinning 🤦🏼♀️ I just completely dissociate
His own work has had to leave notes on his office door before staff meetings, telling him that the meeting is only scheduled for an hour and he is allowed only a small fraction of time to interject 😳
I've been working my way out of this situationship as he is very mentally and emotionally abusive and been feeling "guilty" about it! These people really have a way to mess with your mind
BINGO! You just described every conversation that I’ve ever had with my adult sister. It’s been going on for decades and has gotten worse over time. IT. IS. EXHAUSTING!
When you know a person to relate the information to, it really brings this topic to life. It takes so much energy to battle the conversational narcissist, most people just don't want to spend the energy. Best to just avoid them if you can
I’m surprised she didn’t mention how ADHD conversations feel like you’re being steamrolled with speech. Even if they’re wonderfully kind people. It often loops in circles as well. Not easy to hang in there. I’ve also observed ADHD people being chosen as victims of narcissistic abuse because they’re more vulnerable to shame and gaslighting.
It’s not easy for us either I promise, and those of us that are painfully aware reminisce over amd over in loops in our own head on how we should’ve said different things or didn’t get what we actually wanted across because it went too fast
I apologize for leaving an insensitive comment. My intent was to help people avoid watching this video and assuming their ADHD acquaintances are narcissists. They would be misunderstanding some fine people indeed, like my son.
I live in California, and I've been here for 22+ years now. What the host said about people asking him at least 1 question struck a chord with me. That's been my biggest gripe about people here. They love to talk but they won't ask you one question. It's really bizarre.
Sad state of affairs. I wonder if its a left coast syndrome, as I feel it up here in aloof Seattle. No (rare) show of interest in others outside of their immediate circle/themselves. Yes, I'm realizing most of my great sidewalk conversations are with visitors from diverse backgrounds. AND older people. Hmmm.
"People here"? I've lived here all my life (lots more than 22 years) and traveled the state from Hilt to San Diego. Not sure where you've been or what sort of persons you've tried to engage in conversation with but this is a quality of person issue, not a location issue. I can say that depth of education/interest/pursuit tends to attract depth of person. Not too many conversational wizards in bars and clubs. Some people who travel have a wider interest in people and the world. Some people just like to brag about where they've been and how much money they've spent getting there. There's only one solution to people who won't give equal time; a desperate need for the restroom. 'Nuff said.
@@nevermorefarm I noticed this in California to. The conversations were full of Memememe.
"I don't think we know how to socialize any more" at 16:47. Thank you. I am seeing an epidemic of the behaviors you are describing and I have often considered this to be the case. Often now I come away from online conversations feeling worse than when I started. Or, on texts I'll get bombarded with selfies but no questions coming to me - it is a one-way conversation. I sit back, dumbfounded, trying to figure out what the heck is going on.
I have had hundreds of hours of these "conversations" with my husband. He had to say that we had a productive conversation after 1 1/2 hours of his rant and my input was a total of, maybe, 3 statements.
Aren't you glad you help him work things through?
If you're unhappy with your conversations, then it's up to you to not have them.
That's the hitch, there was never any resolution to his arguments. No progress was ever made. He continues to rage and argue about the same things. It's the most unproductive waste of time and energy.
And you are correct. I have begun to learn that I can hang up the phone and don't have to listen to the verbal abuse he can dish out.
@@paulajohnson8194 Sounds hard.
Interesting. I was the youngest and grew up around big talkers. Very hard to get a word in and when I did the conversation always gotten taken back over and I’d just fade into the background. It almost felt humiliating in a way if that makes sense. Overtime I became quiet and socially anxious. Anyway fast forward and I’ve come along way but sometimes I hijack my wife’s conversation. She’ll actually say it and we both laugh and I try better to listen. Sometimes I’m just trying to relate to a problem she’s talking about with my own life experience but kind of go on about that. Anyway I’m aware of it and just gonna make an effort to improve.
I had something similar. The major tell here is people who wail like an ottoman sultan getting a splinter when you try to push your way into the conversation.
Prior to learning this technical term, I always referred to these as their Monologues, lol
I suspect some of our verbal behavior is learned -- especially those of us who are shy. Using techniques we see working for others may become our examples and we maybe unaware. Lack of confidence and skill along with being immersed in a family of narcissists may color our conversational abilities.
I agree. And I appreciate that she talks about the way anxiety can display itself in a similar way. But that the difference is that they don't mean to do it and address the issue once they see it
I grew up in a family of female narcissist. I think I learned how to be a conversational dominance. I am working on it..
Yep. That was me. Talk talk talk talk talk, b/c I was not being heard in that primary space, plus as a teacher, had to listen, listen, listen, to teen angst all day long. I'd cook for 12 hours on a Sat, only to have the plate emptied in ten and then look at him silently scroll, scroll, scroll through his Crackberry [Blackberry, first smart phone].Empty, empty, empty. Lonely, lonely, lonely.
I think this is me since the pandemic. I've noticed how excited I get when I see my friends that I tend to over-talk. Having to relearn how to converse has been such an exhausting experience but I'm just happy to see the people I care about in person again so it's worth it.
I've been so badly gaslit and isolated with no one to talk to, after 5-6
years of that, i am 100% sure I appear to be a narcissist especially if I find someone to talk to about all the crap I've been thru, it's about me - because I desperately need someone to talk to. So I don't care if I appear to be a narc or am selfish in conversation, because I am not a narcissist, I've just been isolated by one, slandered AS one and cleverly made to look like one over a long period of time. An extraordinary smear campaign by projection (or something like that)! All I care about at this point, is flushing the person(s) responsible out and holding them accountable. Police, tomorrow. Enough is enough. I've been slandered, stalked, lied to, threatened and humiliated in public...haven't had a real conversation with anyone in 4 years and yet, I am still able to be happy at certain moments, content even and I honestly don't know a single person in my life who would have remained as calm as I have under such abusive conditions.
I absolutely understand! Same thing in my life!! I love watching these and learning what is causing ME to sound like/fit the “definition” of a NARC?? I absolutely feel so below others after being married to one- I am certain it appears I’m overpowering the conversation. I akin the situation to a stay at home new mom. After 8-10 days (or years) when I’m around someone that listens- DARN! Look out! Excellent insight and advice on knowing the difference.
You have to be self responsible. It’s not all about you. It’s important to consider the other person’s mental/emotional wellbeing too. Do they have the space for your venting and unloading? Ask them before you divulge. That’s being respectful of their time and energy. The unloading that you’re looking to do is better done with a counselor or therapist.
@@RavenStealstheNight yup! my brother is an *actual* conversational narcissist....he drones on and on and ON about stuff he should realize is not interesting or relevant to a conversation, it's like he's trying to impress you with his "expertise" or something and if you show even the slightest bit of inattention, he flips out...like after 30 minutes of (for example) describing in detail step by step how he changes the oil in his car, you look around or try to change the subject, he gets all indignant that you're not paying rapt attention. I stopped going to family dinners because he was so LOUD, I never got a word in edgewise, got cut off or made fun of, or told to "STOP YELLING" when I try to speak up and say something, I gave up. Not to mention he has slandered me to all my friends, infiltrated all my social groups, gaslit and lied by omission and is manipulating my parents too. I think he is a malignant narc and/or psychopath tbh...my mom is sadistic. He's even gone behind my back and lied to my therapist, doctor, manipulated my parents into having me committed twice...did the same things to his ex he's done to me. He's a woman abuser.
Getting you viscerally...Same...I feel conversation-parity "starved"...You harbour EXCELLENT observation/analysis skills.
Sorry but you need to take others in regardless. If you just don't care about anyone but yourself, I think this video describes you.
The last part where you mention the ones who are lonely for conversation is what describes me to a T. I do notice when I get diarrhea of the mouth after long periods of loneliness in the house of my narcissistic husband. It makes me more self conscious but also lets me recognize when I run into other lonely people and I am a good listener for them at that point.
Sometimes I speak a lot. I get lonely and often feel silence needs to be filled. But, I am mindful of what you’re saying. People on the autistic spectrum and some with learning disabilities often talk at you instead of with you.
i call conversational narcissists "energy vampires" - because i feel so drained after speaking with them. like they require so many reactions, affirmations, and generally feel like they're pulling my energy right out of me. i have a neighbor like this, who has noticed my reactions and stopped doing it (thankfully) but would come over, always unannounced, and talk and talk and talk. i started to go uh huh, yeah, ok, well - it's time for you to go!
you feel empty and drained because conversational narcissists take a lot but give nothing back. They want a lot of attention but don't give it back because they are only interested in themselves. Sometimes they do things like make you look bad to make themselves feel better and that also makes them toxic
EXCELLENT points made. I used to pal with someone who revealed himself to be a conversational narcissist. When we would go to the bar, he would rush ahead to get a seat positioned so that when everyone else was seated, he had an "audience" in front of him. He would make the conversation solely about topics that he wanted to talk about. When his wife would contribute, he would finish her first sentence for her, and continue as if she wasn't there. If someone else was making a point, he would speak over them/ steal their thunder. He would speak in an unusally loud voice that would drone on and on. I observed this for a while, and then started to subtly pull him up on it : if he went to the bathroom, I would move to his seat and start a conversation with the person beside me. A couple of times he asked me to move and I refused and just told him to sit where a seat was available; I would interject and tell him he had told his story before if he had and immediately ask someone to tell us more about something they were interested in; when he spoke over his wife I would bluntly tell him that I wanted to hear his wife's point of view; when he went on too long on a subject (usually one he had talked ad infinitum about before), I would say I didn't want to hear about that topic. A couple of times when I tried to interject into his monologue he would see the visual cues and just start talking louder. I would wait for him to finish, and then say that I was interested in a dialogue and not a lecture. I wasn't being deliberately mean doing this. My intention was that perhaps he might take the hint and reflect on his behaviour. I was also trying to get some of the more timid members of our group to speak up and take part in a group conversation. Tellingly, this guy fancies himself as a standup comedian ( he wasn't funny ). I suspect he was deeply insecure (he had a hangup about being adopted). Eventually I simply stopped being available to meet him/ his group. I bumped into his wife not long afterwards and asked casually "So, how is married life ?". "Jesus", she replied. "I'm married 2.5 year - it feels like 25". Last I heard about them 3 years later she was divorcing him. Not a bad guy per se, but very insecure and immature in wanting all conversations to revolve about him ( he chastised me once about interrupting him. I said it wasn't an interruption, it was a conversation contribution). At a mutual friend's wedding, he did DJ. This bride was furious afterwards that he played music that he liked that was not appropriate to get everyone dancing at a wedding. A couple of girls I met at the wedding complained to me "Do you know that guy ? Why isn't he playing music you can dance to ?". A lot of the bride's friends left early and the dancefloor was empty for the evening. Some people are beyond help .....
It really clarifies things when you're sending all the unambiguous social signals you can, and nothing is changing
Omg this is me.....i hate that I do this with everyone. I highjack the conversation.... Ugh I suck and it is social anxiety....🥺😬😭
Thanks for sharing that. As an introvert who seems to be surrounded by people who talk non- stop it's helpful to me to hear your perspective. It's something I can keep in mind in the future & try to have more empathy for what the other person might be feeling.
Becoming adept at reading body language can help with this. This way you can refine your communication through use of facial expressions and body language (covert), rather than simply through use of more words (overt). I feel that it actually transmits more information this way as well.
@@saratonnan well
Well said ! Heartily agreed ! Sometimes two different “ illnesses “ can show exactly same “ symptoms “.
I do it too, from anxiety and ADD. It's tough for me to hear that not having a mean intention isn't the same thing as being respectful. It's like learning how to walk again!
I do it as well. Very anxious also not always heard at home, so get a bit carried away when I get the chance. Sometimes I know I am doing it and try to stop.
This really hit home for me. My mother has always talked at me rather than had a conversation with me. I took her somewhere nice one day, I have always felt drained after I've been with her and I've just put up with it, I told her that particular day that she was talking at me and how drained it made me feel. She got angry, told me it is because she is lonely and said "half a bottle of gin gets me pissed what do you think a full bottle will do to me". That was a massive trigger for me and actually spurred on a major depression that I'd never had before; my mum constantly made suicidal comments when I was a child. I have barely spoken to her since. I just don't feel the same about her anymore. That was a boundary markedly overstepped. I would take her camping with me and my children, days out in nature, I have her every Xmas. Obviously I see her on her birthday and mother's day but she has 4 children, my 3 siblings don't bother with her on special occasions because she is hard work. They never really see her if im honest. I'm going through healing atm otherwise I wouldn't have commented like this.
Good for you. I hope by now you've healed quite a bit. Our mothers can do so much damage, especially when they deliberately hurt us.
This describes some people I know. Glad to finally put a name to it. And I have found myself walking away from conversations that were being hijacked.
So glad you mentioned the whole aspect of loneliness 🙌☺️♥️ so so relevant (and the importance of nuances) 👍
}this would explain why i allways felt lonesome and shout out or down.
i have insane social anxiety and only really know how to talk about myself. i feel horrible about it but idk how else to talk and open up
Then you’re not a conversational narcissist! You are relating to the world around you the way you know how. Stick with people who view your vulnerability as such and respect your opinions.
@@opalineskies good tip, thank you ☺️
That must be hard. Have you tried maybe writing some questions that you can ask people to get conversations off yourself? I'm sure you are a lovely person. Your story is valid, too. It can be hard to know who to share it with and who not to. I've been burned by oversharing. Since the pandemic I've not socialized at all.
@@urspendy ive def written down some questions before going to hangout with someone but i have so much anxiety that ill forget to ask those questions when the times right etc. ill typically be having a convo and then 10 or so mins later after my anxieties calmed down i think of a great question to ask but the moments already passed lol. its so frustrating. Thank you for your kind words! and thats my issue too! ive always been a bit of an oversharer because i enjoy when people are open and deep with me but it turns out most people only want really surface level info so if i find myself about to go into a tangent i usually just say neverminded to spare the person lol
Me too hope it can be fixed or improved I definitely get it from my mum and dad but dad less so.
Thank you for being detailed about what traits are off putting. This really opened my eyes to the fact you don't have to dictate where a conversation goes or that simply talking shows interest. Listening is louder in a lot of ways. I have a lot of work to do on myself. The anxious/lonely point really resinated. This was good honest advice.