The parents are trying to make Brandon feel guilty for wanting to hang out with Julia without them - i hate when parents do that! Anger would be much easier to handle.
It's honestly almost unbelievable that this is how she reacted to him saying he'd made a reservation for him and his fiancee(!). Julia does seem genuine even if direct at times, as a fellow Russian I can confirm this is how many of us are, and frankly I will take that over fake smiles (or smiling through the teeth as we call it) any day. Not referring to anyone or any place in particular to be clear. Well, maybe the mum a tad
As a russian woman too, I feel like especially the women get looked at as "bitchy" or "rude" just because we tend to be more direct and blunt (trying not to generalize). I feel like this is really going to get under his family's skin because his family comes across as more "all smiles". Honestly she's what they need
@@polinadenisova8665 I've had mixed. I've had some where they say its really refreshing, well I've been told I'm rude and other situations. I feel like it's just a stereotype too that gets perpetuated
Oh...the mom does that. Big time! I agree. Americans see it too! You are being nice about the mom! She irks me to no end! I wouldn’t be happy if my fiancée’s mom (who barely knows me no less ) made an OBGYN appt. for me for birth control! My body is none of her (or anyone’s) I be happy about being chaperoned us as grown adult around a city that I didn’t even need a chaperone mostly at 15 (at least during the day near the monuments)! They have a right to tell them which rooms to stay in at their house, but not to try to take control of their body and basic relationship about that.
I have a bit of a story... I am in a tennis lesson and playing with a Russian woman, to make it more culturally diverse, I am Canadian. She said things that hit my ears horridly. Bossy as all get out. Fast forward I am an actress for role play for new Canadians. At times the teacher did a “time out” and explained the differences in interpretations. Mostly the English was correct but I was instructed to react to things that sounded abrasive to the Canadian ear. I heard the same things I heard on the tennis court. It was great for me. I got to hear the explanations. ‘Must” and “have to” were correct and the students were taught that that way of talking was like an order. It was good for me to hear this. The intention was not as an order, if it was anyone should be free to use it in that way. It changed my attitude and understanding. I have always appreciated how brave anyone is to relocate. So, I reacted differently and her and her friends became my friends. They called me the honorary Russian because they know I am straight forward too, although I would like to soften up a bit. That woman whom I disliked ended up checking on me when I went on vacation and worked to help me when my dad was having dental problems for free. She was a dentist. I am a dental phobe so it meant a lot. I do support Julia, it is hard not to. I think she would do well by softening somewhat but Brandon is the guy who should step up to the plate. It is hard to support the mom.
It is so refreshing to see some familiar Russian straightforwardness, oh lord. Julia is my favorite so far (I'm biased, of course, but look at all the healthy stuff she's saying and doing, what a darling)
Hahaha! I know, right? I love that straightforwardness. I always enjoyed working with my Russian colleagues because I am blunt like that, too, so we got along great. 👍
Julia’s positivity is refreshing. I love how affectionate she is with Brandon. They seem so far to be really in love. I hope they can make it work with his butinski parents.
Love how TLC zoomed in on the mom when Brandon said they had other plans. TLC is our king 🤴 of petty edits. I know it’s not funny but I laughed so hard. Someone needs to gently tell the mom, “mam this is a Wendy’s “🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I think Brandon videos are interseting because I'm learning how important sense of self and knowing what you want is. I had a dispute with landlord yesterday and I was able to be assertive and keep relatively calm because I first figured out what I wanted in the situation. Then I thought of Dr Honda and how he said that you have to know what you want to be assertive. It's so true. Such great learning
I honestly feel so bad for both Julia and Brandon. I feel like Brandon wasn't given the allotted time to explore how to self-actualize and do what he wants to do and learn more about himself. And I feel bad for Julia because an outcome that I predicted for them based on a past relationship of my own is that when the partner is acting like Brandon, and you're more like Julia, you may get to a point where you're frustrated. You may really love them but also just having to care for them and take shelter from the family can be really frustrating. There may be a point where she just gets worn down and either suppresses herself, or lashes out on Brandon, or she just leaves all together. With those last two options, I could see Brandon's mom telling Brandon "see I told you so, we'll find you someone better" and Brandon will never grow and just run further into his mom. If Julia were to cave in, I feel like she'd have a growing resentment for Brandon because, although it's more of the family decision she would resent Brandon for not standing up for her. Also I do feel bad for Julia for finances because I feel like if Brandon would have told her hey I'm spending a lot of money and going into debt because of these trips, she would have told him okay let's save then or take in a different route. I feel like what's often looked over on the shows that a lot of these men tell these women I have lots of money and they set that expectation and then dig themselves in a hole. It could all be prevented I think if they just talked to their partners. this is just based off of what I went through cause I dated someone very similar to Brandon and I have a very similar personality just like Julia. it's total speculation but I've known quite a few girls that have been in relationships like this too
If the parents own the house, and this is their main request, why is it such a big deal until they are married to accomodate the parents? His mother graciously paid for Julia's plane ticket and Im sure plenty of other things. Julia can't understand how Brandon went through his money already... the guy sprays for bugs for a living.. I don't know how she thinks he has a large bank account. What if it were Brandon who flew to Russia and stayed with her parents? Can you imagine him saying ... "you tell your mother that we are NOT respecting her wishes..." I just don't see that happening. If It were me, I would be grateful to have a place to sleep, and food to eat etc. I could not disrespect my fiance's parents. She needs to calm down. Let Brandon work and save money so they can afford a place to live. She's lucky he isn't living in Manhattan or Los Angeles and need 6k a month for a two bedroom apartment. If they were madly in love, then the only thing that should matter at this point, is the fact she is in the country, and with her best friend/fiance. I would be so respectful of his parents, regardless if I agreed with them or not. Please don't yell at me... Im just a very considerate human...
With a family like that! They will most certainly hold this over his head and NOT let him have the family business!! Has anyone else wondered about the OLDER children? The fact that they are NOT in the picture shows a LOT!!! I have the same situation!!! When you see a family is fractured, there's history that needs to be looked at! I think that when Brandon's dad married this woman, his other kids left the picture because they can't stand her meddling!!! I would put up with 2 seconds of it! I SWEAR, I left my mother at age 8 to live with my dad because my mother is exactly like Brandon's mother!! I KNEW I didn't have to put up with that stuff! I have no sympathy for Brandon, I wouldn't be attracted to someone like him for 2 seconds! Julie can do so much better!!! My FAMILY has always known that they are NOT permitted to say one word about my personal life, I don't allow it, I have no problem, standing up and walking out!!! They know NOTHING about my personal life!! I don't allow meddling!
My ex-fiance was like brandon, this "ghost" type. I like to think I'm pretty chill, but he brought out something nasty in me... some kind of desperation for SOMETHING from him. Literally ANYTHING to show that he gave any sort of care about me or our future. I felt just like a stand in, like I'll do as a wife, someone his mom approved of and maybe they would have a better relationship if he did what she wanted...not that he actually wanted me. Our fight was always the same, on repeat, and I feel like anything I said or did to get some kind of validation from him pushed him farther away, and made him even more elusive. He was constantly anxious, and would have panic attacks that I wouldn't find out till later. I hope he and his mom are in family therapy, and thank you Dr Kirk for explaining these concepts, it's helping me heal.
Was there affection at least between you two? I’m curious about this because the guy I’m seeing now told me the other day that he’s not sure how I feel about him, despite me thinking I’ve been showing it. I just don’t want to do what your ex did to you esp when I like and care about him a lot! Any advice would be appreciated
@@henrysmith180 yes but it doesn't mean you should interfere with your adult child's life like that. This is why Brandon has no opinions of his own and is so dependent.
Virginian here! They could get a pretty nice little apartment or townhouse in Petersburg (15 mins away from the parents) for $700-$800 a month. Cost of living is relatively low, and personally I think it'd be worth it to have some peace and privacy.
Thank you! I don't live in US, have no idea about prices there and wondering whether it is even possible for them to live by their own from one's person salary. How much can he make? (31k? Could it be right?).
I relate a lot to Brandon; his mom reminds me of my mom, especially the cold stares and the way she's trying to make him feel guilty for having a life outside of her. When you were talking about living in a constant state of anxiety, that really hit home for me. I'm also in a financially unstable position, so I'm forced to live at home... I hope both Brandon and I can put some distance between ourselves and our mothers.
@@sabias3932 It's difficult because I feel like my mom hasn't stopped seeing me as "her little girl" even though I'm in my mid-twenties, and when I try to set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy and any sort of love or warmth is withheld from me. Luckily, I've been seeing a therapist the past month and I'm starting to realize WHAT needs even are so I can start identifying my own. I hope you can do that too! It's hard, but after moving away for a little bit for college, I noticed that I felt much more like "myself" but 2020 has been... well, thankfully it's almost over!
I am also the Brandon in my family... but my parents have helped me financially and made it seem as if I do something not their way, they will cut me off and give me the silent treatment and never help me
I feel like Brandon and Julia have been the couple to seem the most in love out of all of the couples Dr. Honda has reacted to. Which makes the (seemingly) impending disaster of their relationship all the worst...
Brandon reminds me of myself as a teen, especially the dynamics with a controlling mom and not being able to voice what I want. In my early 20s when I started going to therapy I learned how to express what I wanted and needed and she did not respond well, so it is very tough. It was not just one event of being assertive but hundreds. And there are still battles to this day. So I think seeing Brandon makes me really sad and wonder what spot i would be in without therapy.
It's hard! I couldn't buy anything without my moms consent until i was at least Brandons age...same type of mother, it's really hard to stand up because they bulldozer you with a smile
I understand you completely, whenever I would try to express to my mom how I felt she would always shrug it off as if it wasn’t something important, or she was yeah whatever. Even if I didn’t want to do something she would get upset with me. When I was younger she would constantly compare me to my little sister. Then I just completely shut down to my mom, I haven’t told her about my life, and a guy that came in to my life, I do however tell my friends how I’m feeling even the guy that came into my life is aware of my situation. I am currently looking for a therapist to help me be a healthier human being, mentally ,emotionally etc.
Same. I really feel for Brandon, it's so tough to watch him without being triggered. I can understand why he's afraid of pushing back. It's hard and sometimes even dangerous, depending on your family. My mom would even go so far as to undermine many of the things I did by telling others that I couldn't have done it without her. Always trying to take credit and control everything, making other family members turn against me and resent me, because they were convinced that I was a spoiled young adult who couldn't do anything by myself. Families are tough sometimes, and watching Dr. Honda dissect 90 day fiance is both wonderful and horrible at the same time 😂
@@pinkpugginz You're pretty generous. if Brandon doesn't change they won't even last for more than a few months. If he does. It might work out. He seems like a decent guy lose from the issues.
Dr Honda seems like a patient man but I can feel the patience slipping away slowly with Brandon. 😂 He should be the one to connect his mom and his fiance but instead, he's being a third party messenger. "Yea... My mom said this.. I know right? I don't want to do this either..." " Yea... She's angry about your suggestion... I dunno what to do mom..." "Yea... My mom won't change her mind... What should I tell her next?" "Yea mom, she's still unhappy .. what should I do now?" . . .
I think she truly wants to see her son happily married. It's possible that he has never been successful in anything he's done, including school, and she is so worried he's going to mess this up too. Yes, she is very involved in his life, but I think her intentions are from the heart...
@@OGRuth She wants him happily married, maybe, but not to a former go go dancer. She said she was unsure if Julia was once a prostitute, and whether Julia will leave this life behind. She clearly doesn't want Julia in the family. Betty is ensuring Brandon and Julia aren't alone together, and seems to purposely be sowing discord between them.
The mom’s anxiety manifesting into control makes me anxious. I just want to guide her through some deep breaths and gently tell her, shhhhhhh, lets just be still and quiet 😂😂😂😂
Wow Julia. She has the entire situation figured out. She knows if the situation doesn't change then their relationship will suffer and the relationship brandon has with his parents will suffer.
first of all, he has no business getting married if he has zero money. A baby will probably be in the picture after they are married. He should have made it very clear to Julia, before she packed up her life and moved across the world, that he has a low paying job and is in debt and lives with his parents. I am sure he misled her, as she was shocked when he admitted he had no money. He is the bad guy here.. not his mother. His mother is supporting the two of them. He is 27 and can't afford an apartment nearby. If he can manage to find a small and cheap apartment, he needs to buy a car, pay utilities... his skill is spraying for roaches. He gave her a false sense of security by maxing out his credit cards to fly her all over the world. Now he has to pay back his debt at probably 17 percent a month for each card. He's dug himself into a hole and this is the real issue.. not the mother asking for them to sleep in their own rooms., that is nothing compared to the real issue.... I don't know why it's so hard for some to be honest. Julia is honest. The parents are honest. Brandon will never be fully trusted by Julia.
I have this exact state of anxiety, and was suffering very severely this time last year. I vividly remember having a panic attack when I had to drop out of school (my parents whole life plan for me especially as they have an immigrant mentality around education) and remember crying and saying “I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who I am, I don’t know how to be happy” and that was when I really realized I had lost myself in what people around wanted for me and it was to the detriment of my health. It’s really hard sometimes when you’re that entrenched in trying to make others happy.
I wouldn't be surprised if his parents have convinced him that he's helpless and inadequate. He might be terrified of leaving his parents because he thinks that he can't make it by himself.
It seems to be linked to the idea of how the wedding and honeymoon are supposed to be, as thats what mom ''didnt want to hold over him'' the question is where these ideas come from, cause it seems it aint Julia
He was a total fool for traveling to Iceland and France with her, both VERY expensive countries... They could've had just as much fun in Mexico for a few pesos if he didn't have the dinero 🤦♀️
My parents used to make me feel like I couldn’t do anything without them or their opinions. They would make it like I was 13 forever even though I lived by myself for years... It happens...
Dr. Kirk seems to think that being direct will be impactful to his parents. But I was raised by a mother with similar values, and under no circumstances would this be a discussion. She would rather me be hit by a car than sleep in the same room with a woman in her household when I lived there.
I think Brandon is so uber neutral and not assertive because it's just been easier to nod and smile at his parents just to avoid being preached at. To a new person this must be so confusing
Poor Brandon. Can’t imagine the torn feeling he has inside. Simple to us to say just stand up for yourself but think how long his parents have been grooming him to be this way. He may look calm but surely as Dr Honda says he is mega “ busted up” inside. Think how you felt if you ever had to face disapproval from someone you cared about or maybe that feeling of dread when having to stand up to a bully. Then multiply those feelings x 1000.
@@deemah3602 I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Sounds like it can be pretty painful and I’d guess downright exhausting sometimes. Hopefully you decide to reach out and let somebody help you with it. You’re watching this so that’s something! Baby steps...
I've dealt with it too and I guarantee you his life is full of nonstop anxiety. Emotional manipulation and abuse from parents screws you up for life. And his mom probably acts soooo much worse off camera too - this is just the tip of the iceberg of what he's had to deal with for over 20 years
I think he has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old! He doesn't NEEd his parents!!! He has his OWN job exterminating!!!!!! MOST of this crap is just for the show!!! I do think that Brandon is clueless!!! I don't find him attractive at all!!! I can see that SIMP ENERGY!!! He's not a MAN, he's a little boy doing what Mommy wants him to!
I really like Julia as well! She seems like super fun, I hope Brandon and his parents get themselves together or else their relationship will be ruined.
I'm surprised how many people like her. I agree that she's mature and she's handling herself and the situation extremely well. But apart from that I don't like her all all. First there was the report that sometimes when she doesn't get her way she gets angry and has a tantrum (Brandon was explaining that this has happened on vacations before and it happened in France and the parents backed up this report), then there was the whole "I like to take photos to rub them in others' faces'. I think she's pretty gross.
Curious how this scene was edited. Did someone actually say something after the reservations were brought up, and TLC cut that to make the silence seem to drag out? You never know...
I've had a boyfriend similar to Brandon and I used to feel like I was having a relationship with a wall...or like I was trying to nail jello to a wall. I was miserable.
My dad is 40 and he's like Brandon, my mom was disappointed because she left her family to have an independent family and my dad completely blurred the lines of boundaries
I am BEGGING you, Dr. Kirk, to PLEASE watch and make reaction videos to the TLC series, I Love A Mama's Boy. I know a lot of us would love to know your thoughts on it. Also, love your channel and am learning so much from watching all your vids. Thank you for presenting these.
Yes, yes, yes!!!!!!! I would love his comments on Laila and Shekeb, and Matt and his mother Kelly. Would totally love to see him react to TLC I love a Mama's boy.
I LOVE that you titled this Ghost!! I used to be incredibly depressed and didn't have an identity of my own and was extremely emotionally underdeveloped and looking back I now describe that time like I had died and was haunting my own life as a ghost because I had no real will of my own, just drifting around where other people pushed me. I'm so glad I went to therapy!
@ Ava Thorne: congratulations!! I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for the past 5 years. I was not my myself. So I understand how you feel.. I won’t get into it here, I admire you for going to therapy. 😊
@@theresaricci5619 Thank you! I definitely recommend it if you haven't gone and if you're able. It's certainly not a quick fix but it's SO worth it. :)
Ava Thorne : I will inquire when I see my pcp. Since I am in chronic back pain.. it makes it difficult to get around. But I know it’s a must. Thank you for your kindness. I love your name. It’s my granddaughter’s name.. God bless you and Happy New Year 💕
I recently moved out and left a painful relationship where my partner was like, as Dr Honda puts it, a ghost. You would think the boyish, feather in the wind, safer to stay neutral, stay quiet, hide information, and have no opinions attitude would seem easy going to deal with, but in the moment as the partner, it actually felt very cold, like I was being held tight by control yet abandoned at the same time. It was frustrating, frightening and triggering for me. It also put a lot of pressure for me to be the reliable, mature one when sometimes I just needed his support. I hope Dr. Honda discusses this kind of cycle more.
I dated a guy like Brandon before and felt more like Julia myself. They had a very odd family dynamic and the mom reminds me of my ex's mom. They would all look like Brandon when they got anxious and made the same faces, and the mom planned out everything they did, controlled the conversations, refused to talk about anything that seemed to make her uncomfortable. Ultimately I felt so stifled and out of place with them I couldn't continue the relationship. He refused to move out of their house for "financial reasons," but really it was more a lack of confidence and his relying on his mother to take care of him. This is one of my favorite series you've done so far, thank you for the consistent uploads!
Speaking as a recovered Brandon. It is very difficult being raised by an overbearing pretentious emotionally abusive person. They are unaware on how damaging they are and they don’t care. Before judging him as I am still judged, how have you helped the kids you have encountered in these families. You probably walk away and focus on your own issues. I am not judging but I want to speak up for Brandon. That said, if I knew him I would say Run!!! Run hard run fast and spend time knowing your self. Your mom won’t change, your dad is an enabler. Run!!! Culture and religious wise, I would only be ok for cohabitation if they were married.
I cannot get over the shocked look on the mother’s face when Brandon said he wanted a private dinner with his fiancé. It was like he announced they were eloping.
Just a little comment here: the face and the silent from his mom is what makes me anxious when I'm going to tell my mom and my dad something I'm going to do. So if I'm going to the mall, to a park or whatever I'm always anxious before telling my mom because It makes me feel guilty. When I realized this was not normal a couple months ago I decided I should go to therapy. Unfortunately, I told my mom that (since I don't work so everything has to come from her pocket) and she asked why!!! I told her there were matters I needed to get rid off and she insisted so much I had to tell her that I felt bad whenever I left home to do something, which is one of the matters that really bothers me in a sea of bad habits I keep. Even so, she didn't help me to go to therapy... I think I really have to stop watching Brandon and Julia cause it triggers me so much hahahahaha. Sorry guys, I'll stop exposing my family in this channel I promise.
@@sabias3932 heyy, I like to keep positive about this situation, so I can only hope both of us learn how to cope without losing ourselves or hurting anyone else. I dont mind saying, I'm actually 18. I didn't grow up with lots of liberty until now so I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna leave home anytime soon. I don't know if you go to therapy, but I think that if you're independent/can afford it or if it's safe to go (i mean covid and all) you can try really hard to go! the first step to beal is realising you need to, and for what I understand you already made that step. Even if you can't go, I think we're already in a path to better understand ourselves and our family dynamics and that means things will get better, right? Anywaysss, let's just hope for the best. Everyday is a little step, ok? We'll win this for ourselves.
@@likeathiefinthenight1333 and THAT mother no less! She isn’t like most. I get a-dare I say-sinister- vibe off her. The moment she made that OBGYN appt....ummm NO! If I were Julia I would think I had walked into the start of a horror movie. Maybe I need to write a horror book that has this in it! Holy crap- I was so upset (and still am) about to that behavior (especially the OBGYN appt). That smile on her face, and the look she made when she did not to get her own way? The faces she makes NOW (instead of what she will likely do later at home instead of in public and when the cameras aren’t around) really scares me. The way she went tearing into the airport with Brandon and the way she buzzes around like a horsefly to keep them separate and try to control them?!! Just watching that woman makes me anxious. I would be terrified to be with Brandon if he stays with her. She needs to eventually get Brandon to move at least several hours away. Especially if they have children!
@@MountainPearls She is like Annie in the movie "Misery." She can't have her son be different from her in any way - not in values, goals, plans, etc. She has to control him or else she will experience huge anxiety.
How is she strongly independent? She didn't pay for anything herself - Brandon paid for all (travels for them, for them and her and his parents, for her visa process etc).To me she only wants things her way without being financially responsible at any point. And Brandon - he let people have power over him and dictate him what he can/can't, should/shouldn't do and he tries to please everyone to not make a problem (although there's always gonna be one person who won't end up getting things her/his way and will be upset with Brandon and he'll act like a lost child).
@@quasimodem5260 no, it takes courage to move to a different country. She's bossy and have a strong character but she's not independent. If she was independent moving to another country she wouldn't need anybody's else money to do so 😉 If she was even a bit independent she would save her own money for all travels, for K1 Visa, she would take savings to USA as well and help out her future husband in paying for things as much as she could untill she can legally work. That's independence.
Could the family system problem be a fracture in the parents marriage. They appear terrified of being without their son - maybe they have neglected their marriage and they're scared of being alone with only each other
They seem pretty tight with each other, frankly. I think there's a financial angle to this - they don't want to have to pay someone to do Brandon's chores around the house/farm, so it's easier to guilt trip their son to stay there in perpetuity, instead. And Julia is a huge fly in the ointment for this plan.
@@janedashwood2018 I dunno. If someone told me that my husband and I could have the rare opportunity for a private romantic night on vacation in DC; for once without the child that's always there, I would be really excited. Not crestfallen!!
@@TheMorcroft But then why tag along with that child and his fiancé? Why not either make their own plans locally, or give Brandon and Julia lots of space during the DC trip?
@@janedashwood2018 yes, exactly. They seem to be passionately keen to tag along as you say; that suggests they want as much time as a foursome as possible and as little as possible as a couple.
I have a theory about Brandon, his mother, and this trip. I suspect Mom and Dad offered to pay for a *family* trip. Brandon accepted, not telling them he didn’t want to spend time with them. He wanted a couples trip but didn’t have the money. So Mom starts off with the wrong idea from the start. Brandon very well knows this, but is using her misconception for his own purposes-he wants to impress Julia. He’s saving face with regard to his inability to pay by playing both Mom and Julia. 🐓🐓🐓 Sorry, chickee. You want independence, you need to be willing to give up the luxuries paid for by other people.
The mother insisted she come on the trip and invited herself. Then she guilted him about it. He was originally going alone to pick Julia up. From all we've seen on the show, his mother railroads others. Even when they tried to be alone for 10 minutes after picking Julia up, the mother kept interrupting and guilting him for not spending every second with them.
My ex boyfriend of five years was just like Brandon, and it eventually wore me down to the point where I called it quits. It's so hard to watch. He didn't know how he felt about anything and when I came to him with my feelings, he could not handle it and eventually got defensive and angry with me when I approached him with problems.
Same....for me it was 2.5 years...I hope you eventually found someone who was worth your time and love :)...Like his mom would literally call me so I could tell him things that she wanted him to do, but pretend I was telling him it
Brandon and his family remind me of my family's dynamics a lot. My parents were very overbearing to my sister and I to the point where we both started operating from this state of constant anxiety and preoccupation with others' feelings first to the point where we didn't have room to observe our own. It made me feel very out of touch with myself and so lost and confused for so long. It's like torture to know that you have wants and needs and emotions but to be unable to access them or understand them.
Yes!! I was in a relationship with someone similar. It created this crazed desire in me to want to just shake him and scream, is anyone in there??!! Feel something! Say something! Want something! Ultimately I went to therapy, he refused and we broke up. Years later, I learned he had severe, debilitating anxiety. He couldn't make a decision or take a stance on anything out of fear that it would be the wrong one. Looking back, I feel such sadness thinking how much pressure he must have felt, how alone and unable to feel safe enough to open up to me. Also I learned how I did not, even remotely, have the tools to navigate it all....and how important therapy is for everyone. Thank you so much Dr Honda for doing these talks for us. I've referred so many friends to your channel and they come back with a completely different perspective on therapists. They are more curious to learn about themselves, instead of being scared someone will just point blame at them and make them cry. 🙏🙏
I think Brandon is probably the person I can relate to the most out of all the people I've watched on the show. It reminds me a lot of how I felt in my early twenties trying desperately to please my parents and to become independent at the same time. I was equally incapable of navigating the situation, I ended up dropping out of university and then didn't tell my parents for a whole year. Needless to say, it was a very bad idea. But I was absolutely terrified of disappointing them and being rejected. I was suffering from anxiety and depression. Transitioning from a child into an adult is a very difficult process for all of us, for some of us even more so. Fortunately, I went through therapy and I'm in a very different place now and my relationship with my parents is much better. Go to therapy, people!
I feel like I am watching my mother and brother interact when I watch Brandon and his mom interact. It is a terrible thing to see. I watched this exact behavior for years and fortunately as the middle child I was not a priority in my crazy mother's life. I feel for Julia because Brandon is not capable of making any independent decisions. I watched my mom choose my brothers wife, condo, clothes, plan the wedding and dictate every aspect of his life just like we are seeing here. This led to alcoholism and suicide but the time he was 32.
It is sad that happened but if you are an adult, it is their right to do so. It will feel cruel but they don't owe you a roof over your head once you are an adult and shouldn't have to go against their beliefs/values. We sometimes act too entitled towards our parents and expect them to keep taking care of us while we still refuse to grow up. I am not saying that is your situation but they don't owe you or your fiancé anything - they didn't sign up for this and it is a financial burden to boot.
Dr. Honda, I so appreciate you! You have taught me so much about effective communication. I'm no pro but you have inspired and empowered me to practice!
I seriously think that the point of having a very busy agenda is for the mom to tire them (like little kids), and in a twisted way reduce the chances they will have intimacy 🤷♀️. Is that to evil of a thought?
Oh Julia is the sweetest... so far. Her positivity is almost contagious. I’m wondering if the tantrums that she threw in France were actual tantrums, or if she was reacting to the family’s behavior 🤔
Regarding Julia last comment that she doesn't understand how Brandon went from having money to spend on the trips to having no money to spend, it is way less common outside of US to go into debt for trivial stuff and even to have a credit cards. Personally for me the idea of spending money that you don't actually have is quite weird. Education, property that's understandable, but just funding live style that you literally can't afford - why??
Agree!! European here, its bizarre. I would be very anxious to have to live like that and worried if my partner lived like that. I think it's the rampant consumer culture and materialism that exists over there
I also think it is very american. I wouldn't enjoy my holidays knowing i can't affort it in the end. And why they had to go to Iceland- the one of the most expensive countries in Europe. I mean, it is beautiful, but if you will end up with debt on your account, maybe plan it for the next time.
You don't need an Air Bnb just rent a damn apartment!! He has a job with an employment histroy!!! Leave, don't tell the parents where you are going & live your life!! The parents will come around because they can't live without Brandon!! They won't hold it against him!
@@t.j.7789 totally. The mom is crazy as hell. I have friends that have a crazy crazy mom like this and they left and didn't talk to her for 10 years. One of them will not let the mom stay overnight at her house now, because the boundary has been drawn in the sand.
It really hit home when you gave the "waiter" example, Dr. Honda, I have been in relationships with emotionally unavailable men and everything you said is absolutely true! I always had to say "how do you think I feel" to these men. Sometimes it helped, often it didn't help because no one ever asked them how they felt growing up and they were so lost when it came to feelings. I make sure to always ask my kids now, "how do you feel" or "how does that make you feel" 👍❤
I just cant shake the feeling that Brandon and his mom are so enmeshed and she sees him as her man (dunno where dad's role is in that). She seems jealous of Julia and doesn't want him to spend time with her and for them to be alone. She's inserting herself in an almost incestuous way. I would say she is emotionally incestuous with Brandon and sees Julia as her competition.
as a person still struggling with pushing down my own feelings in favor of pleasing other people and avoiding conflict, Brandon should probably go to therapy and work on the art of *telling people information they may not want to hear but still need to know as a common courtesy* because it would save him a lot of grief in the future. the parents shouldn’t have made assumptions about the itinerary. but at the same time, if they knew about the reservation beforehand it would have spared everyone that uncomfortable moment. they would have been disappointed either way but it’s more hurtful to do the “oh yeah, by the way...” routine.
Yes. He needs that art! I learned it working retail from a young age. I do the positivity sandwich strategy. So Brandon could have said "Mom, I'm so excited about the tour you have planned this morning. BTW I made reservations for Julia and I for supper so we could have a romantic date. Hey, I forgot to tell you I have a coupon for those hams you like to get down at the Dollar Giant every Saturday." Sandwich the part they don't like, in between two things they do like.
I feel for Julia, not Brandon. I do believe that she should respect his parents rules, but Brandon needs to learn to make her a priority. Why would he want to marry her when he isn't supporting himself financially? I don't understand financial dependence on parents at age 27.
The mom sounds like my Aunt when she says us, our and we when she talks about her 3 adult children and what they have going on in life!!! and overstepping boundaries with their decisions. My uncle is more like They are adults, have families, have jobs and unless someone is dead,dying or hurt..basically an emergency. He stays out of it but will give his input if he's asked.
8:07 yes! And it hurts me to see him not having a "backbone" and stating what he wants, showing his emotions, makes me question his reasons for being with me, feels like he is a play dough as if who ever he is talking to, that's who he becomes always changing, and it hurts because he isn't sticking up for his emotions nor mine, or actually being open when I wish for him to just be him and relaxed and feel safe 🥺... that kills me and then makes me feel unstable, and then I question him and feel the need to be reassured so I don't let my guard down
I was in a relationship with someone EXACTLY like Brandon and actually his parents were almost Identical, we were long distance too. His mom was over bearing and controlling, the dad too but not as bad as the mom, they would constantly belittle me and my ex wouldn't stand up for me, we constantly fought about everything, he would even show his mom texts while we were fighting !!! Then his mom would fight with me back. God it would piss me off so much. He was a ghost/man child. Keep in mind i was 22 at the time and he was 26. I always felt like the strong mature one and he was a ghost. Dr Honda if i was your client there would be so much i could tell you. That relationship triggered me so much,it brought out the worst of me at times and i felt bad because he did have moments where he was a really sweet and caring person. I admit that i do have my own internal struggles, i suffer from depression and a few years ago from self harm (I've been clean for 4 years). I never took out my problems on him and i just wanted that relationship to work. it didn't because it was just getting worse and worse over time
I know what you mean about Brandon. I used to be like him in my own way. It was hard for me to identify what my own nees/wants were at the time. Growing up, I always wanted to be a "good girl" using my heart to govern me. It started by friends telling me what to wear when it wasn't my style, family not really listening (in mybown preconceived notion). Then we all adapted to this dynamic circle. I would do things and make my decisions to please others. I thought that, at the time, that if I just acquiesce, then I could spare a draining argument with the other party. Instead of setting boundaries, I really felt it was my job to *help* others when really, it was a co dependent thing. When I would speak out with my truth, they would legit yell at me and make me feel guilty. I had made a lot of enemies that way. Friends turned on me. It's a really bad place to be when you have a veil on so thick, that we have a problem identifying what is not in alignment with our own wants and needs. But realizing that actions and responsibilities need to start playing on our part is the only thing that sets us free....other than that, we live lifebon autopilot basically....so others could remain happy.
The way his mom looks to him when he does anything on his own, makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. I think the dad just goes along yo accommodate the mom. The dad has 3 grown children and we havent seen hide or tail of them so I imagine they are grown and stable adults. I could never be amicable with a person who is so incredibly controlling. If I were julia I would have spoken out day 1. Obviously their son has no backbone.
I really don't think he wants or plans to leave mom's house. I think he's in a symbiotic relationship with his mom. I think he was hoping julia would love living on the farm with mom and they could continue as is and hopefully julia would enjoy living as an adult child like him and be okay living under moms rule. He wants the best of both worlds. He likes having mom run his life and doing everything because its safe but he's physically an adult human man and has wants (if you get my drift) and longs for the fun part of being an adult. Which is having a healthy relationship and sex life thats not anyone business. As the saying goes (my grandparents and parents would say in spanish) "there's only room for one rooster in this hen house". Mom is top boss in this house and Julia is not about living life to make her controlling mil happy. They need their own place even if its with roommates atleast you're equal.
Watching Brandon is really rough, but watching him through you, Dr. Honda really helps! I can relate a lot to Brandon, though I don't really know his situation. I was raised by a single mom, and as a young teenager, she didn't care too much about me, but as I got older she tried to control everything and telling me I couldn't do anything. Calling me a bunch of names, telling me to off myself, that I was sick in the head and that I ruined her life because I was dragging her down. Also, anything I did she would take credit for and she would tell others how this big thing I did was really because of her. She told other family members and they started to really resent me and be aggressive towards me, because they considered me a good for nothing spoiled young adult. Even worse, I thought I really WAS a spoiled young adult! I'm wondering if Brandon has been told the same things growing up and if they've told him that he's lucky to have his parents help him. For me, leaving my family was the best thing I ever did, but I was messed up for a long time! I finally started therapy after experiencing several unnerving flashbacks from my teenage years. It's a slow process but I'm getting better! I hope Brandon gets help and support to put himself and Julia first, they deserve to find and make their own happiness.
I'm pretty sure the parents are treating Julia's arrival as a chance to take a break or a mini family vacation. Since they're farmers with very little help, they barely leave their home/area or have time off. I understand the need for some alone time but I can also rationalize the parents behavior.
I understand wanting to use it as a chance to travel somewhere, but I thought it was very common for families (when everyone is an adult) to branch off during vacations to do some things on their own. Especially if couples want to get a romantic dinner with just the two of them.
@@Inabsinthea29 It's totally normal but usually people talk about their separate plans before going out. Normal functioning adults would say, "Hey mom, I booked me and Julia a dinner reservation at (this time) so we can have a private moment."
They've done family vacations, with her family too. It's been months since the two have seen eachother I totally get wanting alone time. They have 90 days. When she arrives on the farm everything will change
This is my mom haha. My mom would be soooo butt hurt!! She would give me the silent treatment after this. And my dad would just go along with my mom... Ugh help! I know it’s my mom gets anxiety and I try to understand that. But I should be able to do my own thing right????
it's quite likely that Brandon doesn't think about the specifics of his finances the same way we do. he's not earning a lot and probably doesn't have enough credit to get into so much debt. it's likely that he 'manages' all his money through the parents, owes them the debt and hands over his salary each month. if that's the case, he wouldn't have any idea about how much it costs to move out, how much to spend to sustain a living etc, and likely fears the idea of moving out with that being one of the reasons. mum comes in and tells him that he can't afford to move out, so he just takes that and feels safe keeping things the way they were. he likely doesn't have the ability to assess the option of moving out financially and has to rely on the mum. even if he earned 10x the amount, if his mum told him that's not enough he'll probably still believe her. I have the idea that people like this exist because my ex is like this. it never occurs to them to take responsibility and take control of their own life.
Julia is a doer and Brandon is not. In this scene right where you cut off, she reveals she has lived with a boyfriend w the parents before and it didn’t work out. She is realizing she is repeating her own history, except now in a foreign country. Brandon gave her no info about his financial situation or living arrangements. Not a great way to build trust.
Seems like mom had it all planned and the son was rude by not letting them know the plans in advanced. He made it awkward by not giving anyone a heads up, seems a bit like childish rebellion.
As an over planner myself, I would be disappointed too. I'd get over it but his inability to communicate is infuriating 😡. If you 'made reservations,' you could have told me earlier so I could have adjusted my plans. The mom clearly put a lot of effort into planning a great trip for them. I do understand the family dynamics is super complicated and they're are in a cycle where he acts like a child and is them treated as such OR he's treated like a child and thus acts like one; but Brandon makes my blood boil. Yikes😬
I think the mother was wrong for butting in to Brandon's new relationship so much to begin with. Why is she even there?? Given the way she bulldozes over any plans he has, if he had told her in advance, the whole day would have been her haranguing him about his dinner plans.
I think the whole trip/agenda planned by betty was wildly intrusive. Its HIS(not yours, betty) fiancee. THEY(brandon & julia, not all y'all) have 90 days. Back the eff up! She came to marry HER(not you) fiance, not work on your creepy 'farm' illegally, and be treated like a child for no reason. This betty person id out of her mind and reality. Don't even get me started on their farm....
Dr. Honda thank you for your analysis! I am curious what therapy and goals would you recommend to Brandon if he were your client? How long do you think it would take Brandon to gain his voice and start expressing his needs?
The dad just wants everyone to be happy but has to agree with the wife. Kind of how you, as a therapist, don’t correct your client, just wait for the client/his wife to figure it out.
The dad and Brandon make the same face! I think both faces are “I can’t say how happy I am now, but I’m happy :)))))))” Dad was thinking “yay, this is normal and I get to be alone with my wife” Brandon was saying “i get it be alone with my wife” :))))))))
@ briezzy: it’s like rubbing two pieces of sandpaper together. There’s an bossy American woman and a vulnerable foreign girl. ALL of these people that are together is difficult. What would these foreign characters expect. America is so different from any European country ( including other countries)
Rent where I live is about 1,300 a month for a small one bedroom apartment. If it's similar there, he could have the debt paid off in less than 10 months by staying with his parents, assuming he only dedicates what would have gone on rent and nothing else. Whereas if he moves out he might never be able to pay it back because he won't be able to keep up with the interest.
I find this couple so interesting. I was in a relationship with someone who was very similar to Brandon and he had a very similar dynamic with his mother. I never understood it and it drove me crazy. To complicate his "ghost" emotions like Dr Kirk said, he was an actor, so he was always playing characters. I never felt like I "knew" who he was or got close to him, and I don't think he did either.
Brandon will never even begin to become an independent adult until he moves out of that house. It's like having a cut that won't heal because you keep re-injuring the same spot over and over. He also needs therapy to show him what his dysfunctional behaviors are, but there is not even any point in that until he moves out of the house. His parents' abuse would become overwhelming and even more manipulative if he got therapy while still living there.
I don’t really understand the whole „having to live with your parents“ thing... like... im in debt, I live off unemployment money, I can’t work because of mental health issues, etc. so there was one time I had to fill out paperwork about why I can’t live with my parents and I explained how abusive they were and that was it, nobody was able to force me to live with them even though I can’t afford my own place... so it confuses me how apparently sone people are literally forced... or are they not being forced and they just don’t want to use this option cause they hope that one day their family life will improve?
I really wish to know if Brandon had watched this show! He and his mother need to watch Debbie and Colt - see if it would raise their alarms?! Maybe he’s on the show to “triangle it “ and resolve the issue for them. She’s too dependent on her son - what might the husband be not providing for her emotionally? It’s so frustrating to watch. I feel bad for Julia walking into this and realizing this may be her future.
I think this young lady is dragging herself to a toxic environment and expose herself to deal with unnecessary traumas. I agree with you Dr. Kirk about how you view him as trying to emotionally survive.
For the time in Washington Brandon might be best served if they ask what dinner or breakfast or sight seeing event they would like most to share to the mom. He can say how much he loves the parents and point out that there is plenty of opportunity to spend time together but spending time together as a couple is something that is important to him.
I heard that Brandon has a bit more of 10k debt. Maybe in USA sounds different but for me it is a lot! I can't imagine them living alone with such debts :(
It depends on your salary and financial situation. To me (as an American), 10k is definitely not a barrier to living alone. Most people I know have much more debt, especially when you include student loans.
10k is a very small amount of personal debt for an American. Bear in mind that anyone who went to University will be hugely in debt by 21. 10k is nothing.
In my culture this sort of MIL dynamic is not only normalised but is infact praised as the gold standard. In my culture its expected that the sons stay at home forever and when they marry their wife moves into the family home. Its normal for the MIL to be controlling, inteferring and critisise and scold the DIL regularly on every topic from what time she wakes up to what her cooking skills are like. If the couple ever try to go on a date the MIL gets angry and complains that why wasn't she invited? Same goes for gifts. If you speak out against this as a girl people bash you for being a terrible and selfish DIL. Like Brandon, many of the men play both sides and never actually vocalise what they want. People call me unreasonable and say I'm selfish etc because I refuse to marry into this type of toxic dynamic.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
1:13 - his mother's expression was saying "where did he learn how to make plans? i don't believe we taught him that yet"
😂😭
"Must be that internet putting ideas in his head"
I’m sure the mom is blaming it on Julia.
hahaha!!! YEP!!!
🤣 🤣 🤣 😭😭😭😭
The parents are trying to make Brandon feel guilty for wanting to hang out with Julia without them - i hate when parents do that! Anger would be much easier to handle.
They are acting like he is a teenage boy and they need to protect him.
I suspect parents are paying for the trip. Brandon should have let them know up front.
Right, it was a family thing and he is a guest of his parents.
To me it seemed to confirm that the parents havent been a couple for a long time and dont feel comfortablee with being alone. But hey just a theory
@@badvegan2540 That's a great point. If they paid for it, he doesn't have any right to any privacy in my opinion.
It's honestly almost unbelievable that this is how she reacted to him saying he'd made a reservation for him and his fiancee(!). Julia does seem genuine even if direct at times, as a fellow Russian I can confirm this is how many of us are, and frankly I will take that over fake smiles (or smiling through the teeth as we call it) any day. Not referring to anyone or any place in particular to be clear. Well, maybe the mum a tad
As a russian woman too, I feel like especially the women get looked at as "bitchy" or "rude" just because we tend to be more direct and blunt (trying not to generalize). I feel like this is really going to get under his family's skin because his family comes across as more "all smiles". Honestly she's what they need
@@Mielcafe527 Hm, I haven't encountered that! Most people say my honesty is refreshing (maybe they're lying tho, hehehe)
@@polinadenisova8665 I've had mixed. I've had some where they say its really refreshing, well I've been told I'm rude and other situations. I feel like it's just a stereotype too that gets perpetuated
Oh...the mom does that. Big time! I agree. Americans see it too! You are being nice about the mom! She irks me to no end! I wouldn’t be happy if my fiancée’s mom (who barely knows me no less ) made an OBGYN appt. for me for birth control! My body is none of her (or anyone’s) I be happy about being chaperoned us as grown adult around a city that I didn’t even need a chaperone mostly at 15 (at least during the day near the monuments)! They have a right to tell them which rooms to stay in at their house, but not to try to take control of their body and basic relationship about that.
I have a bit of a story...
I am in a tennis lesson and playing with a Russian woman, to make it more culturally diverse, I am Canadian. She said things that hit my ears horridly. Bossy as all get out.
Fast forward I am an actress for role play for new Canadians. At times the teacher did a “time out” and explained the differences in interpretations. Mostly the English was correct but I was instructed to react to things that sounded abrasive to the Canadian ear. I heard the same things I heard on the tennis court.
It was great for me. I got to hear the explanations. ‘Must” and “have to” were correct and the students were taught that that way of talking was like an order. It was good for me to hear this. The intention was not as an order, if it was anyone should be free to use it in that way. It changed my attitude and understanding. I have always appreciated how brave anyone is to relocate.
So, I reacted differently and her and her friends became my friends. They called me the honorary Russian because they know I am straight forward too, although I would like to soften up a bit. That woman whom I disliked ended up checking on me when I went on vacation and worked to help me when my dad was having dental problems for free. She was a dentist. I am a dental phobe so it meant a lot.
I do support Julia, it is hard not to. I think she would do well by softening somewhat but Brandon is the guy who should step up to the plate. It is hard to support the mom.
It is so refreshing to see some familiar Russian straightforwardness, oh lord. Julia is my favorite so far (I'm biased, of course, but look at all the healthy stuff she's saying and doing, what a darling)
Hahaha! I know, right? I love that straightforwardness. I always enjoyed working with my Russian colleagues because I am blunt like that, too, so we got along great. 👍
Julia is a doll.
But then you have Natalie being so... unbearable 😆
@@Koshrocreations Natalie is from Ukraine, to be fair :)
Julia’s positivity is refreshing. I love how affectionate she is with Brandon. They seem so far to be really in love. I hope they can make it work with his butinski parents.
That scary stare that the mom gave him when he said that he has a reservation for just the 2 of them. Geez. 😨
Love how TLC zoomed in on the mom when Brandon said they had other plans. TLC is our king 🤴 of petty edits. I know it’s not funny but I laughed so hard. Someone needs to gently tell the mom, “mam this is a Wendy’s “🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
lol during that scene I was thinking in my head “someone is gonna turn this into a meme” 😂
@@xenia_maria I need it in my life
I think Brandon videos are interseting because I'm learning how important sense of self and knowing what you want is. I had a dispute with landlord yesterday and I was able to be assertive and keep relatively calm because I first figured out what I wanted in the situation. Then I thought of Dr Honda and how he said that you have to know what you want to be assertive. It's so true. Such great learning
Seriously, i feel we all have a mini dr honda on our minds now lol
@@justmeok2 lmao a mini dr honda! that'd be awesome.
WWDHD: What Would Dr. Honda Do?
I honestly feel so bad for both Julia and Brandon. I feel like Brandon wasn't given the allotted time to explore how to self-actualize and do what he wants to do and learn more about himself. And I feel bad for Julia because an outcome that I predicted for them based on a past relationship of my own is that when the partner is acting like Brandon, and you're more like Julia, you may get to a point where you're frustrated. You may really love them but also just having to care for them and take shelter from the family can be really frustrating. There may be a point where she just gets worn down and either suppresses herself, or lashes out on Brandon, or she just leaves all together. With those last two options, I could see Brandon's mom telling Brandon "see I told you so, we'll find you someone better" and Brandon will never grow and just run further into his mom. If Julia were to cave in, I feel like she'd have a growing resentment for Brandon because, although it's more of the family decision she would resent Brandon for not standing up for her.
Also I do feel bad for Julia for finances because I feel like if Brandon would have told her hey I'm spending a lot of money and going into debt because of these trips, she would have told him okay let's save then or take in a different route. I feel like what's often looked over on the shows that a lot of these men tell these women I have lots of money and they set that expectation and then dig themselves in a hole. It could all be prevented I think if they just talked to their partners.
this is just based off of what I went through cause I dated someone very similar to Brandon and I have a very similar personality just like Julia. it's total speculation but I've known quite a few girls that have been in relationships like this too
If the parents own the house, and this is their main request, why is it such a big deal until they are married to accomodate the parents? His mother graciously paid for Julia's plane ticket and Im sure plenty of other things. Julia can't understand how Brandon went through his money already... the guy sprays for bugs for a living.. I don't know how she thinks he has a large bank account. What if it were Brandon who flew to Russia and stayed with her parents? Can you imagine him saying ... "you tell your mother that we are NOT respecting her wishes..." I just don't see that happening. If It were me, I would be grateful to have a place to sleep, and food to eat etc. I could not disrespect my fiance's parents. She needs to calm down. Let Brandon work and save money so they can afford a place to live. She's lucky he isn't living in Manhattan or Los Angeles and need 6k a month for a two bedroom apartment. If they were madly in love, then the only thing that should matter at this point, is the fact she is in the country, and with her best friend/fiance. I would be so respectful of his parents, regardless if I agreed with them or not. Please don't yell at me... Im just a very considerate human...
With a family like that! They will most certainly hold this over his head and NOT let him have the family business!! Has anyone else wondered about the OLDER children? The fact that they are NOT in the picture shows a LOT!!! I have the same situation!!! When you see a family is fractured, there's history that needs to be looked at! I think that when Brandon's dad married this woman, his other kids left the picture because they can't stand her meddling!!! I would put up with 2 seconds of it! I SWEAR, I left my mother at age 8 to live with my dad because my mother is exactly like Brandon's mother!! I KNEW I didn't have to put up with that stuff! I have no sympathy for Brandon, I wouldn't be attracted to someone like him for 2 seconds! Julie can do so much better!!! My FAMILY has always known that they are NOT permitted to say one word about my personal life, I don't allow it, I have no problem, standing up and walking out!!! They know NOTHING about my personal life!! I don't allow meddling!
The father's face when he said he had other plans.... this woman makes me feel suffocated and i'm miles away
My ex-fiance was like brandon, this "ghost" type. I like to think I'm pretty chill, but he brought out something nasty in me... some kind of desperation for SOMETHING from him. Literally ANYTHING to show that he gave any sort of care about me or our future. I felt just like a stand in, like I'll do as a wife, someone his mom approved of and maybe they would have a better relationship if he did what she wanted...not that he actually wanted me. Our fight was always the same, on repeat, and I feel like anything I said or did to get some kind of validation from him pushed him farther away, and made him even more elusive. He was constantly anxious, and would have panic attacks that I wouldn't find out till later.
I hope he and his mom are in family therapy, and thank you Dr Kirk for explaining these concepts, it's helping me heal.
Can relate to this...
@@patriciamariasoares me too 😅
Was there affection at least between you two? I’m curious about this because the guy I’m seeing now told me the other day that he’s not sure how I feel about him, despite me thinking I’ve been showing it. I just don’t want to do what your ex did to you esp when I like and care about him a lot! Any advice would be appreciated
Do y’all think the the mom has sooooooo much activity planned and everything scheduled with the hopes it will keep them from being intimate?
Yes, that’s what I think
She's trying to make them fell tired in hopes they have no energy for snoo snoo 😂
100% spot on!
Yes! Great observation
Not necessarily. I think she views it as a family trip, something farmers don't get to do often
The mum is acting like she's planning the day for a young kid and their school friend, it's very odd.
My mom 💯
That's a mom
@@henrysmith180 not normal when your kid is in their late twenties. Not a child.
@@313eve Moms don't think that way. Kids will always be children in their eyes until death
@@henrysmith180 yes but it doesn't mean you should interfere with your adult child's life like that. This is why Brandon has no opinions of his own and is so dependent.
Virginian here!
They could get a pretty nice little apartment or townhouse in Petersburg (15 mins away from the parents) for $700-$800 a month. Cost of living is relatively low, and personally I think it'd be worth it to have some peace and privacy.
Thank you! I don't live in US, have no idea about prices there and wondering whether it is even possible for them to live by their own from one's person salary. How much can he make? (31k? Could it be right?).
@@alicjax7119 31K in a little town seems like a lot of money TBH
Thank you! My first thought was "how much could rent possibly be in Dinwiddie Virignia?" I hope Julia runs away to D.C.
But 15 mins is so far from his parents 😆 playing that guilt trip on them
I relate a lot to Brandon; his mom reminds me of my mom, especially the cold stares and the way she's trying to make him feel guilty for having a life outside of her. When you were talking about living in a constant state of anxiety, that really hit home for me. I'm also in a financially unstable position, so I'm forced to live at home... I hope both Brandon and I can put some distance between ourselves and our mothers.
@@sabias3932 It's difficult because I feel like my mom hasn't stopped seeing me as "her little girl" even though I'm in my mid-twenties, and when I try to set boundaries, I'm seen as the bad guy and any sort of love or warmth is withheld from me. Luckily, I've been seeing a therapist the past month and I'm starting to realize WHAT needs even are so I can start identifying my own. I hope you can do that too! It's hard, but after moving away for a little bit for college, I noticed that I felt much more like "myself" but 2020 has been... well, thankfully it's almost over!
I am also the Brandon in my family... but my parents have helped me financially and made it seem as if I do something not their way, they will cut me off and give me the silent treatment and never help me
I feel like Brandon and Julia have been the couple to seem the most in love out of all of the couples Dr. Honda has reacted to. Which makes the (seemingly) impending disaster of their relationship all the worst...
Brandon reminds me of myself as a teen, especially the dynamics with a controlling mom and not being able to voice what I want. In my early 20s when I started going to therapy I learned how to express what I wanted and needed and she did not respond well, so it is very tough. It was not just one event of being assertive but hundreds. And there are still battles to this day. So I think seeing Brandon makes me really sad and wonder what spot i would be in without therapy.
same. in fact I'm not going to therapy yet and I still live with my parents so it's very very tough. Seeing him is such a trigger.
It's hard! I couldn't buy anything without my moms consent until i was at least Brandons age...same type of mother, it's really hard to stand up because they bulldozer you with a smile
I understand you completely, whenever I would try to express to my mom how I felt she would always shrug it off as if it wasn’t something important, or she was yeah whatever. Even if I didn’t want to do something she would get upset with me. When I was younger she would constantly compare me to my little sister. Then I just completely shut down to my mom, I haven’t told her about my life, and a guy that came in to my life, I do however tell my friends how I’m feeling even the guy that came into my life is aware of my situation. I am currently looking for a therapist to help me be a healthier human being, mentally ,emotionally etc.
Same. I really feel for Brandon, it's so tough to watch him without being triggered. I can understand why he's afraid of pushing back. It's hard and sometimes even dangerous, depending on your family. My mom would even go so far as to undermine many of the things I did by telling others that I couldn't have done it without her. Always trying to take credit and control everything, making other family members turn against me and resent me, because they were convinced that I was a spoiled young adult who couldn't do anything by myself. Families are tough sometimes, and watching Dr. Honda dissect 90 day fiance is both wonderful and horrible at the same time 😂
Brandon is so uncomfortable with communicating his preferences and standing up to his mum, that once he did, he said condoms are not fun.
😂
So far Julia seems like a gem of a woman. Brandon better get his act together before he loses her.
I don't see them lasting more than 5 years
@@pinkpugginz You're pretty generous. if Brandon doesn't change they won't even last for more than a few months. If he does. It might work out. He seems like a decent guy lose from the issues.
Dr Honda seems like a patient man but I can feel the patience slipping away slowly with Brandon. 😂
He should be the one to connect his mom and his fiance but instead, he's being a third party messenger.
"Yea... My mom said this.. I know right? I don't want to do this either..."
" Yea... She's angry about your suggestion... I dunno what to do mom..."
"Yea... My mom won't change her mind... What should I tell her next?"
"Yea mom, she's still unhappy .. what should I do now?"
.
.
.
This mother is very strange. She almost appears selfish like this entire event is for her entertainment
I think she truly wants to see her son happily married. It's possible that he has never been successful in anything he's done, including school, and she is so worried he's going to mess this up too. Yes, she is very involved in his life, but I think her intentions are from the heart...
@@OGRuth She wants him happily married, maybe, but not to a former go go dancer. She said she was unsure if Julia was once a prostitute, and whether Julia will leave this life behind. She clearly doesn't want Julia in the family. Betty is ensuring Brandon and Julia aren't alone together, and seems to purposely be sowing discord between them.
Exactly! NO one has ever put her in her place, Julia will, eventually!
It’s because she is a narcissist
Brandon hides a lot of important information from Julia, especially when it pertains to their future. She deserves better.
The mom’s anxiety manifesting into control makes me anxious. I just want to guide her through some deep breaths and gently tell her, shhhhhhh, lets just be still and quiet 😂😂😂😂
Man can you help me with my mother lol. This is my mom and I have to deal with her anxiety and I’m a huge empath lol
@@mandam4884 oh my I’m so sorry! That must be very stressful
Wow Julia. She has the entire situation figured out. She knows if the situation doesn't change then their relationship will suffer and the relationship brandon has with his parents will suffer.
first of all, he has no business getting married if he has zero money. A baby will probably be in the picture after they are married. He should have made it very clear to Julia, before she packed up her life and moved across the world, that he has a low paying job and is in debt and lives with his parents. I am sure he misled her, as she was shocked when he admitted he had no money. He is the bad guy here.. not his mother. His mother is supporting the two of them. He is 27 and can't afford an apartment nearby. If he can manage to find a small and cheap apartment, he needs to buy a car, pay utilities... his skill is spraying for roaches. He gave her a false sense of security by maxing out his credit cards to fly her all over the world. Now he has to pay back his debt at probably 17 percent a month for each card. He's dug himself into a hole and this is the real issue.. not the mother asking for them to sleep in their own rooms., that is nothing compared to the real issue.... I don't know why it's so hard for some to be honest. Julia is honest. The parents are honest. Brandon will never be fully trusted by Julia.
I have this exact state of anxiety, and was suffering very severely this time last year. I vividly remember having a panic attack when I had to drop out of school (my parents whole life plan for me especially as they have an immigrant mentality around education) and remember crying and saying “I don’t know what I want, I don’t know who I am, I don’t know how to be happy” and that was when I really realized I had lost myself in what people around wanted for me and it was to the detriment of my health. It’s really hard sometimes when you’re that entrenched in trying to make others happy.
It doesn't look like a money issues. It looks like a "I can't/don't (want to) leave my parents" kinda problem.
I wouldn't be surprised if his parents have convinced him that he's helpless and inadequate. He might be terrified of leaving his parents because he thinks that he can't make it by himself.
It seems to be linked to the idea of how the wedding and honeymoon are supposed to be, as thats what mom ''didnt want to hold over him'' the question is where these ideas come from, cause it seems it aint Julia
He was a total fool for traveling to Iceland and France with her, both VERY expensive countries... They could've had just as much fun in Mexico for a few pesos if he didn't have the dinero 🤦♀️
My parents used to make me feel like I couldn’t do anything without them or their opinions. They would make it like I was 13 forever even though I lived by myself for years...
It happens...
"I KINDA have reservations for us"
Yes. He always does this. Kinda, sorta, maybe, like. He has a terrible time being direct.
He’s making his language softer for his parents
@@sabias3932 agree. Even his softened language seems to abnormally stress his mom and hence the dad tf out
Dr. Kirk seems to think that being direct will be impactful to his parents. But I was raised by a mother with similar values, and under no circumstances would this be a discussion.
She would rather me be hit by a car than sleep in the same room with a woman in her household when I lived there.
I think Brandon is so uber neutral and not assertive because it's just been easier to nod and smile at his parents just to avoid being preached at. To a new person this must be so confusing
Poor Brandon. Can’t imagine the torn feeling he has inside. Simple to us to say just stand up for yourself but think how long his parents have been grooming him to be this way. He may look calm but surely as Dr Honda says he is mega “ busted up” inside. Think how you felt if you ever had to face disapproval from someone you cared about or maybe that feeling of dread when having to stand up to a bully. Then multiply those feelings x 1000.
I'm a Brandon and you're absolutely right :(
@@deemah3602 I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Sounds like it can be pretty painful and I’d guess downright exhausting sometimes. Hopefully you decide to reach out and let somebody help you with it.
You’re watching this so that’s something! Baby steps...
I've dealt with it too and I guarantee you his life is full of nonstop anxiety. Emotional manipulation and abuse from parents screws you up for life. And his mom probably acts soooo much worse off camera too - this is just the tip of the iceberg of what he's had to deal with for over 20 years
I think he has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old! He doesn't NEEd his parents!!! He has his OWN job exterminating!!!!!! MOST of this crap is just for the show!!! I do think that Brandon is clueless!!! I don't find him attractive at all!!! I can see that SIMP ENERGY!!! He's not a MAN, he's a little boy doing what Mommy wants him to!
I really like Julia as well! She seems like super fun, I hope Brandon and his parents get themselves together or else their relationship will be ruined.
I'm surprised how many people like her. I agree that she's mature and she's handling herself and the situation extremely well. But apart from that I don't like her all all. First there was the report that sometimes when she doesn't get her way she gets angry and has a tantrum (Brandon was explaining that this has happened on vacations before and it happened in France and the parents backed up this report), then there was the whole "I like to take photos to rub them in others' faces'. I think she's pretty gross.
Curious how this scene was edited. Did someone actually say something after the reservations were brought up, and TLC cut that to make the silence seem to drag out? You never know...
I've had a boyfriend similar to Brandon and I used to feel like I was having a relationship with a wall...or like I was trying to nail jello to a wall. I was miserable.
My dad is 40 and he's like Brandon, my mom was disappointed because she left her family to have an independent family and my dad completely blurred the lines of boundaries
I am BEGGING you, Dr. Kirk, to PLEASE watch and make reaction videos to the TLC series, I Love A Mama's Boy. I know a lot of us would love to know your thoughts on it. Also, love your channel and am learning so much from watching all your vids. Thank you for presenting these.
Yes, yes, yes!!!!!!! I would love his comments on Laila and Shekeb, and Matt and his mother Kelly. Would totally love to see him react to TLC I love a Mama's boy.
I LOVE that you titled this Ghost!! I used to be incredibly depressed and didn't have an identity of my own and was extremely emotionally underdeveloped and looking back I now describe that time like I had died and was haunting my own life as a ghost because I had no real will of my own, just drifting around where other people pushed me. I'm so glad I went to therapy!
@ Ava Thorne: congratulations!! I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for the past 5 years. I was not my myself. So I understand how you feel..
I won’t get into it here, I admire you for going to therapy. 😊
@@theresaricci5619 Thank you! I definitely recommend it if you haven't gone and if you're able. It's certainly not a quick fix but it's SO worth it. :)
Ava Thorne : I will inquire when I see my pcp. Since I am in chronic back pain.. it makes it difficult to get around. But I know it’s a must. Thank you for your kindness. I love your name. It’s my granddaughter’s name..
God bless you and Happy New Year 💕
I recently moved out and left a painful relationship where my partner was like, as Dr Honda puts it, a ghost. You would think the boyish, feather in the wind, safer to stay neutral, stay quiet, hide information, and have no opinions attitude would seem easy going to deal with, but in the moment as the partner, it actually felt very cold, like I was being held tight by control yet abandoned at the same time. It was frustrating, frightening and triggering for me. It also put a lot of pressure for me to be the reliable, mature one when sometimes I just needed his support. I hope Dr. Honda discusses this kind of cycle more.
I dated a guy like Brandon before and felt more like Julia myself. They had a very odd family dynamic and the mom reminds me of my ex's mom. They would all look like Brandon when they got anxious and made the same faces, and the mom planned out everything they did, controlled the conversations, refused to talk about anything that seemed to make her uncomfortable. Ultimately I felt so stifled and out of place with them I couldn't continue the relationship. He refused to move out of their house for "financial reasons," but really it was more a lack of confidence and his relying on his mother to take care of him. This is one of my favorite series you've done so far, thank you for the consistent uploads!
Speaking as a recovered Brandon. It is very difficult being raised by an overbearing pretentious emotionally abusive person. They are unaware on how damaging they are and they don’t care. Before judging him as I am still judged, how have you helped the kids you have encountered in these families. You probably walk away and focus on your own issues. I am not judging but I want to speak up for Brandon. That said, if I knew him I would say Run!!! Run hard run fast and spend time knowing your self. Your mom won’t change, your dad is an enabler. Run!!!
Culture and religious wise, I would only be ok for cohabitation if they were married.
I cannot get over the shocked look on the mother’s face when Brandon said he wanted a private dinner with his fiancé. It was like he announced they were eloping.
You would think she would have said something along the lines of
"Have a good time, and we'll see you later."
Just a little comment here: the face and the silent from his mom is what makes me anxious when I'm going to tell my mom and my dad something I'm going to do. So if I'm going to the mall, to
a park or whatever I'm always anxious before telling my mom because It makes me feel guilty. When I realized this was not normal a couple months ago I decided I should go to therapy. Unfortunately, I told my mom that (since I don't work so everything has to come from her pocket) and she asked why!!! I told her there were matters I needed to get rid off and she insisted so much I had to tell her that I felt bad whenever I left home to do something, which is one of the matters that really bothers me in a sea of bad habits I keep. Even so, she didn't help me to go to therapy...
I think I really have to stop watching Brandon and Julia cause it triggers me so much hahahahaha.
Sorry guys, I'll stop exposing my family in this channel I promise.
🙏💜
@@sabias3932 heyy, I like to keep positive about this situation, so I can only hope both of us learn how to cope without losing ourselves or hurting anyone else.
I dont mind saying, I'm actually 18. I didn't grow up with lots of liberty until now so I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna leave home anytime soon. I don't know if you go to therapy, but I think that if you're independent/can afford it or if it's safe to go (i mean covid and all) you can try really hard to go!
the first step to beal is realising you need to, and for what I understand you already made that step. Even if you can't go, I think we're already in a path to better understand ourselves and our family dynamics and that means things will get better, right?
Anywaysss, let's just hope for the best. Everyday is a little step, ok? We'll win this for ourselves.
@@sabias3932 Same... :(
Love the videos on this couple, this whole family is something else.
I hope Julia runs. It ain't worth it
@@DANNYTHEFROG123 Brandon just needs to separate himself from his mom's teet and he'd be just fine
I do enjoy watching these episode so much too. I am always like:“ moooorrrreeee!”, when the episode has ended.
@@likeathiefinthenight1333 and THAT mother no less! She isn’t like most. I get a-dare I say-sinister- vibe off her. The moment she made that OBGYN appt....ummm NO! If I were Julia I would think I had walked into the start of a horror movie. Maybe I need to write a horror book that has this in it! Holy crap- I was so upset (and still am) about to that behavior (especially the OBGYN appt). That smile on her face, and the look she made when she did not to get her own way? The faces she makes NOW (instead of what she will likely do later at home instead of in public and when the cameras aren’t around) really scares me. The way she went tearing into the airport with Brandon and the way she buzzes around like a horsefly to keep them separate and try to control them?!! Just watching that woman makes me anxious. I would be terrified to be with Brandon if he stays with her. She needs to eventually get Brandon to move at least several hours away. Especially if they have children!
@@MountainPearls She is like Annie in the movie "Misery."
She can't have her son be different from her in any way - not in values, goals, plans, etc. She has to control him or else she will experience huge anxiety.
Julia is strongly independent, most people are who are willing to relocate are. It makes, Brandon in comparison very boyish.
How is she strongly independent? She didn't pay for anything herself - Brandon paid for all (travels for them, for them and her and his parents, for her visa process etc).To me she only wants things her way without being financially responsible at any point.
And Brandon - he let people have power over him and dictate him what he can/can't, should/shouldn't do and he tries to please everyone to not make a problem (although there's always gonna be one person who won't end up getting things her/his way and will be upset with Brandon and he'll act like a lost child).
M J : Brandon is having a hard time gaining his independence.. his mother is controlling like Coltee’s doting mother .
@@MJ-xk2nk I think it takes a lot of independence to relocate.
@@theresaricci5619 Agreed.
@@quasimodem5260 no, it takes courage to move to a different country. She's bossy and have a strong character but she's not independent. If she was independent moving to another country she wouldn't need anybody's else money to do so 😉 If she was even a bit independent she would save her own money for all travels, for K1 Visa, she would take savings to USA as well and help out her future husband in paying for things as much as she could untill she can legally work. That's independence.
Could the family system problem be a fracture in the parents marriage. They appear terrified of being without their son - maybe they have neglected their marriage and they're scared of being alone with only each other
They seem pretty tight with each other, frankly. I think there's a financial angle to this - they don't want to have to pay someone to do Brandon's chores around the house/farm, so it's easier to guilt trip their son to stay there in perpetuity, instead. And Julia is a huge fly in the ointment for this plan.
@@janedashwood2018 I dunno. If someone told me that my husband and I could have the rare opportunity for a private romantic night on vacation in DC; for once without the child that's always there, I would be really excited. Not crestfallen!!
@@TheMorcroft But then why tag along with that child and his fiancé? Why not either make their own plans locally, or give Brandon and Julia lots of space during the DC trip?
@@janedashwood2018 yes, exactly. They seem to be passionately keen to tag along as you say; that suggests they want as much time as a foursome as possible and as little as possible as a couple.
I have a theory about Brandon, his mother, and this trip. I suspect Mom and Dad offered to pay for a *family* trip. Brandon accepted, not telling them he didn’t want to spend time with them. He wanted a couples trip but didn’t have the money. So Mom starts off with the wrong idea from the start. Brandon very well knows this, but is using her misconception for his own purposes-he wants to impress Julia. He’s saving face with regard to his inability to pay by playing both Mom and Julia. 🐓🐓🐓 Sorry, chickee. You want independence, you need to be willing to give up the luxuries paid for by other people.
I think I member Brandon saying the mom insisted for them to come too, like when they were talking about picking up Julia from the airport.
Not so strange of an idea. Let’s see how things pan out at the Tell All
I think you might be right. It would certainly make sense.
The mother insisted she come on the trip and invited herself. Then she guilted him about it. He was originally going alone to pick Julia up. From all we've seen on the show, his mother railroads others. Even when they tried to be alone for 10 minutes after picking Julia up, the mother kept interrupting and guilting him for not spending every second with them.
@@lissaw4 this trip is not a quick run to the airport. This is an extended tour of the capital. Who is paying? Brandon is broke.
I feel like he just needs ONE friend. Someone to speak to.
My ex boyfriend of five years was just like Brandon, and it eventually wore me down to the point where I called it quits. It's so hard to watch. He didn't know how he felt about anything and when I came to him with my feelings, he could not handle it and eventually got defensive and angry with me when I approached him with problems.
Same....for me it was 2.5 years...I hope you eventually found someone who was worth your time and love :)...Like his mom would literally call me so I could tell him things that she wanted him to do, but pretend I was telling him it
The dads face when he said him and Julia had their own plans he looked straight at his wife 😂
Brandon and his family remind me of my family's dynamics a lot. My parents were very overbearing to my sister and I to the point where we both started operating from this state of constant anxiety and preoccupation with others' feelings first to the point where we didn't have room to observe our own. It made me feel very out of touch with myself and so lost and confused for so long. It's like torture to know that you have wants and needs and emotions but to be unable to access them or understand them.
Yes!! I was in a relationship with someone similar. It created this crazed desire in me to want to just shake him and scream, is anyone in there??!! Feel something! Say something! Want something!
Ultimately I went to therapy, he refused and we broke up. Years later, I learned he had severe, debilitating anxiety. He couldn't make a decision or take a stance on anything out of fear that it would be the wrong one.
Looking back, I feel such sadness thinking how much pressure he must have felt, how alone and unable to feel safe enough to open up to me. Also I learned how I did not, even remotely, have the tools to navigate it all....and how important therapy is for everyone.
Thank you so much Dr Honda for doing these talks for us. I've referred so many friends to your channel and they come back with a completely different perspective on therapists. They are more curious to learn about themselves, instead of being scared someone will just point blame at them and make them cry. 🙏🙏
I think Brandon is probably the person I can relate to the most out of all the people I've watched on the show. It reminds me a lot of how I felt in my early twenties trying desperately to please my parents and to become independent at the same time. I was equally incapable of navigating the situation, I ended up dropping out of university and then didn't tell my parents for a whole year. Needless to say, it was a very bad idea. But I was absolutely terrified of disappointing them and being rejected. I was suffering from anxiety and depression. Transitioning from a child into an adult is a very difficult process for all of us, for some of us even more so. Fortunately, I went through therapy and I'm in a very different place now and my relationship with my parents is much better. Go to therapy, people!
This, 💯%! Unhealthy enmeshment is unhealthy. Therapy is good!
I feel like I am watching my mother and brother interact when I watch Brandon and his mom interact. It is a terrible thing to see. I watched this exact behavior for years and fortunately as the middle child I was not a priority in my crazy mother's life. I feel for Julia because Brandon is not capable of making any independent decisions. I watched my mom choose my brothers wife, condo, clothes, plan the wedding and dictate every aspect of his life just like we are seeing here. This led to alcoholism and suicide but the time he was 32.
Thank you for sharing. this could not have been easy to live through
Wow! Your so brave for sharing. It is a reality that many just don't know how to speak out about.
When I saw ‘Ghost’ in the title, I thought we would be hearing about some ghouls😢. Still gave a thumbs up of course.
The young couple are like play things for the parents.
My parents acted this way to me and my fiance. They kicked us out to the streets. I will never understand that way of thinking.
Control
It is sad that happened but if you are an adult, it is their right to do so. It will feel cruel but they don't owe you a roof over your head once you are an adult and shouldn't have to go against their beliefs/values. We sometimes act too entitled towards our parents and expect them to keep taking care of us while we still refuse to grow up. I am not saying that is your situation but they don't owe you or your fiancé anything - they didn't sign up for this and it is a financial burden to boot.
They probably felt like if you're grown enough to have a fiance you're grown enough to support yourselves.
Dr. Honda, I so appreciate you! You have taught me so much about effective communication. I'm no pro but you have inspired and empowered me to practice!
The parents response tho. What a Guilt trip lol
I seriously think that the point of having a very busy agenda is for the mom to tire them (like little kids), and in a twisted way reduce the chances they will have intimacy 🤷♀️. Is that to evil of a thought?
Oh Julia is the sweetest... so far. Her positivity is almost contagious. I’m wondering if the tantrums that she threw in France were actual tantrums, or if she was reacting to the family’s behavior 🤔
Regarding Julia last comment that she doesn't understand how Brandon went from having money to spend on the trips to having no money to spend, it is way less common outside of US to go into debt for trivial stuff and even to have a credit cards. Personally for me the idea of spending money that you don't actually have is quite weird. Education, property that's understandable, but just funding live style that you literally can't afford - why??
Agree!! European here, its bizarre. I would be very anxious to have to live like that and worried if my partner lived like that.
I think it's the rampant consumer culture and materialism that exists over there
I also think it is very american. I wouldn't enjoy my holidays knowing i can't affort it in the end. And why they had to go to Iceland- the one of the most expensive countries in Europe. I mean, it is beautiful, but if you will end up with debt on your account, maybe plan it for the next time.
Stay at Air Bnb until marriage then move back in for a year once you are married! Then move out! Problem solved.
Hmm, there's a good chance that wouldn't be allowed by Mom
The control wouldn't end once they're married. I think this goes deeper than no sex till marriage.
@@kristalcampbell3650 totally this mom is a control freak.
You don't need an Air Bnb just rent a damn apartment!! He has a job with an employment histroy!!! Leave, don't tell the parents where you are going & live your life!! The parents will come around because they can't live without Brandon!! They won't hold it against him!
@@t.j.7789 totally. The mom is crazy as hell. I have friends that have a crazy crazy mom like this and they left and didn't talk to her for 10 years. One of them will not let the mom stay overnight at her house now, because the boundary has been drawn in the sand.
It really hit home when you gave the "waiter" example, Dr. Honda, I have been in relationships with emotionally unavailable men and everything you said is absolutely true! I always had to say "how do you think I feel" to these men. Sometimes it helped, often it didn't help because no one ever asked them how they felt growing up and they were so lost when it came to feelings. I make sure to always ask my kids now, "how do you feel" or "how does that make you feel" 👍❤
The mother's face when he said, "I kinda made plans for us..." She looked pissed! Watch 1:10 to 1:15 minutes.
I just cant shake the feeling that Brandon and his mom are so enmeshed and she sees him as her man (dunno where dad's role is in that). She seems jealous of Julia and doesn't want him to spend time with her and for them to be alone. She's inserting herself in an almost incestuous way. I would say she is emotionally incestuous with Brandon and sees Julia as her competition.
as a person still struggling with pushing down my own feelings in favor of pleasing other people and avoiding conflict, Brandon should probably go to therapy and work on the art of *telling people information they may not want to hear but still need to know as a common courtesy* because it would save him a lot of grief in the future.
the parents shouldn’t have made assumptions about the itinerary. but at the same time, if they knew about the reservation beforehand it would have spared everyone that uncomfortable moment. they would have been disappointed either way but it’s more hurtful to do the “oh yeah, by the way...” routine.
Yes. He needs that art! I learned it working retail from a young age. I do the positivity sandwich strategy. So Brandon could have said "Mom, I'm so excited about the tour you have planned this morning. BTW I made reservations for Julia and I for supper so we could have a romantic date. Hey, I forgot to tell you I have a coupon for those hams you like to get down at the Dollar Giant every Saturday." Sandwich the part they don't like, in between two things they do like.
I feel for Julia, not Brandon. I do believe that she should respect his parents rules, but Brandon needs to learn to make her a priority. Why would he want to marry her when he isn't supporting himself financially? I don't understand financial dependence on parents at age 27.
Brandon's face says, "my mommy is going to be so mad at me!"
Lmaoooo 😂🤣😂😭
The mom sounds like my Aunt when she says us, our and we when she talks about her 3 adult children and what they have going on in life!!! and overstepping boundaries with their decisions. My uncle is more like
They are adults, have families, have jobs and unless someone is dead,dying or hurt..basically an emergency. He stays out of it but will give his input if he's asked.
8:07 yes! And it hurts me to see him not having a "backbone" and stating what he wants, showing his emotions, makes me question his reasons for being with me, feels like he is a play dough as if who ever he is talking to, that's who he becomes always changing, and it hurts because he isn't sticking up for his emotions nor mine, or actually being open when I wish for him to just be him and relaxed and feel safe 🥺... that kills me and then makes me feel unstable, and then I question him and feel the need to be reassured so I don't let my guard down
I was in a relationship with someone EXACTLY like Brandon and actually his parents were almost Identical, we were long distance too. His mom was over bearing and controlling, the dad too but not as bad as the mom, they would constantly belittle me and my ex wouldn't stand up for me, we constantly fought about everything, he would even show his mom texts while we were fighting !!! Then his mom would fight with me back. God it would piss me off so much. He was a ghost/man child. Keep in mind i was 22 at the time and he was 26. I always felt like the strong mature one and he was a ghost. Dr Honda if i was your client there would be so much i could tell you. That relationship triggered me so much,it brought out the worst of me at times and i felt bad because he did have moments where he was a really sweet and caring person. I admit that i do have my own internal struggles, i suffer from depression and a few years ago from self harm (I've been clean for 4 years). I never took out my problems on him and i just wanted that relationship to work. it didn't because it was just getting worse and worse over time
I know what you mean about Brandon. I used to be like him in my own way. It was hard for me to identify what my own nees/wants were at the time. Growing up, I always wanted to be a "good girl" using my heart to govern me. It started by friends telling me what to wear when it wasn't my style, family not really listening (in mybown preconceived notion). Then we all adapted to this dynamic circle. I would do things and make my decisions to please others. I thought that, at the time, that if I just acquiesce, then I could spare a draining argument with the other party. Instead of setting boundaries, I really felt it was my job to *help* others when really, it was a co dependent thing. When I would speak out with my truth, they would legit yell at me and make me feel guilty. I had made a lot of enemies that way. Friends turned on me. It's a really bad place to be when you have a veil on so thick, that we have a problem identifying what is not in alignment with our own wants and needs. But realizing that actions and responsibilities need to start playing on our part is the only thing that sets us free....other than that, we live lifebon autopilot basically....so others could remain happy.
The way his mom looks to him when he does anything on his own, makes me so incredibly uncomfortable. I think the dad just goes along yo accommodate the mom. The dad has 3 grown children and we havent seen hide or tail of them so I imagine they are grown and stable adults. I could never be amicable with a person who is so incredibly controlling. If I were julia I would have spoken out day 1. Obviously their son has no backbone.
brandon seems to be 'beaten down' in there is no hope to change things
I really don't think he wants or plans to leave mom's house. I think he's in a symbiotic relationship with his mom. I think he was hoping julia would love living on the farm with mom and they could continue as is and hopefully julia would enjoy living as an adult child like him and be okay living under moms rule.
He wants the best of both worlds. He likes having mom run his life and doing everything because its safe but he's physically an adult human man and has wants (if you get my drift) and longs for the fun part of being an adult. Which is having a healthy relationship and sex life thats not anyone business. As the saying goes (my grandparents and parents would say in spanish) "there's only room for one rooster in this hen house".
Mom is top boss in this house and Julia is not about living life to make her controlling mil happy. They need their own place even if its with roommates atleast you're equal.
Watching Brandon is really rough, but watching him through you, Dr. Honda really helps! I can relate a lot to Brandon, though I don't really know his situation. I was raised by a single mom, and as a young teenager, she didn't care too much about me, but as I got older she tried to control everything and telling me I couldn't do anything. Calling me a bunch of names, telling me to off myself, that I was sick in the head and that I ruined her life because I was dragging her down. Also, anything I did she would take credit for and she would tell others how this big thing I did was really because of her. She told other family members and they started to really resent me and be aggressive towards me, because they considered me a good for nothing spoiled young adult. Even worse, I thought I really WAS a spoiled young adult! I'm wondering if Brandon has been told the same things growing up and if they've told him that he's lucky to have his parents help him.
For me, leaving my family was the best thing I ever did, but I was messed up for a long time! I finally started therapy after experiencing several unnerving flashbacks from my teenage years. It's a slow process but I'm getting better! I hope Brandon gets help and support to put himself and Julia first, they deserve to find and make their own happiness.
Yes, as I continue working on my trauma recovery, I have definitely seen a shift in my "entertaining" personality which was devised to please others.
I'm pretty sure the parents are treating Julia's arrival as a chance to take a break or a mini family vacation. Since they're farmers with very little help, they barely leave their home/area or have time off. I understand the need for some alone time but I can also rationalize the parents behavior.
I understand wanting to use it as a chance to travel somewhere, but I thought it was very common for families (when everyone is an adult) to branch off during vacations to do some things on their own. Especially if couples want to get a romantic dinner with just the two of them.
@@Inabsinthea29 It's totally normal but usually people talk about their separate plans before going out. Normal functioning adults would say, "Hey mom, I booked me and Julia a dinner reservation at (this time) so we can have a private moment."
They've done family vacations, with her family too. It's been months since the two have seen eachother I totally get wanting alone time. They have 90 days. When she arrives on the farm everything will change
Never stop making these videos, you are changing lives
This is my mom haha. My mom would be soooo butt hurt!! She would give me the silent treatment after this. And my dad would just go along with my mom...
Ugh help! I know it’s my mom gets anxiety and I try to understand that. But I should be able to do my own thing right????
I think he is young, plus the dad agrees w the mom instead of saying...calm down.
it's quite likely that Brandon doesn't think about the specifics of his finances the same way we do. he's not earning a lot and probably doesn't have enough credit to get into so much debt. it's likely that he 'manages' all his money through the parents, owes them the debt and hands over his salary each month. if that's the case, he wouldn't have any idea about how much it costs to move out, how much to spend to sustain a living etc, and likely fears the idea of moving out with that being one of the reasons.
mum comes in and tells him that he can't afford to move out, so he just takes that and feels safe keeping things the way they were. he likely doesn't have the ability to assess the option of moving out financially and has to rely on the mum. even if he earned 10x the amount, if his mum told him that's not enough he'll probably still believe her.
I have the idea that people like this exist because my ex is like this. it never occurs to them to take responsibility and take control of their own life.
Julia is a doer and Brandon is not. In this scene right where you cut off, she reveals she has lived with a boyfriend w the parents before and it didn’t work out. She is realizing she is repeating her own history, except now in a foreign country. Brandon gave her no info about his financial situation or living arrangements. Not a great way to build trust.
Seems like mom had it all planned and the son was rude by not letting them know the plans in advanced. He made it awkward by not giving anyone a heads up, seems a bit like childish rebellion.
I think he too petrified to bring it up to them u til that very moment when he HAD to disclose they had other plans.
As an over planner myself, I would be disappointed too. I'd get over it but his inability to communicate is infuriating 😡. If you 'made reservations,' you could have told me earlier so I could have adjusted my plans. The mom clearly put a lot of effort into planning a great trip for them. I do understand the family dynamics is super complicated and they're are in a cycle where he acts like a child and is them treated as such OR he's treated like a child and thus acts like one; but Brandon makes my blood boil. Yikes😬
I think the mother was wrong for butting in to Brandon's new relationship so much to begin with. Why is she even there?? Given the way she bulldozes over any plans he has, if he had told her in advance, the whole day would have been her haranguing him about his dinner plans.
I think the whole trip/agenda planned by betty was wildly intrusive. Its HIS(not yours, betty) fiancee. THEY(brandon & julia, not all y'all) have 90 days. Back the eff up! She came to marry HER(not you) fiance, not work on your creepy 'farm' illegally, and be treated like a child for no reason.
This betty person id out of her mind and reality. Don't even get me started on their farm....
Dr. Honda thank you for your analysis! I am curious what therapy and goals would you recommend to Brandon if he were your client? How long do you think it would take Brandon to gain his voice and start expressing his needs?
The dad just wants everyone to be happy but has to agree with the wife. Kind of how you, as a therapist, don’t correct your client, just wait for the client/his wife to figure it out.
Sudden thought. Does his mum not want to be alone with the dad?
Even a waiter elicits more emotion and personality than Brandon.
The dad and Brandon make the same face! I think both faces are “I can’t say how happy I am now, but I’m happy :)))))))” Dad was thinking “yay, this is normal and I get to be alone with my wife” Brandon was saying “i get it be alone with my wife” :))))))))
"He did what i couldnt!"
@ briezzy: it’s like rubbing two pieces of sandpaper together. There’s an bossy American woman and a vulnerable foreign girl. ALL of these people that are together is difficult. What would these foreign characters expect. America is so different from any European country ( including other countries)
Rent where I live is about 1,300 a month for a small one bedroom apartment. If it's similar there, he could have the debt paid off in less than 10 months by staying with his parents, assuming he only dedicates what would have gone on rent and nothing else. Whereas if he moves out he might never be able to pay it back because he won't be able to keep up with the interest.
I find this couple so interesting. I was in a relationship with someone who was very similar to Brandon and he had a very similar dynamic with his mother. I never understood it and it drove me crazy. To complicate his "ghost" emotions like Dr Kirk said, he was an actor, so he was always playing characters. I never felt like I "knew" who he was or got close to him, and I don't think he did either.
Brandon will never even begin to become an independent adult until he moves out of that house. It's like having a cut that won't heal because you keep re-injuring the same spot over and over. He also needs therapy to show him what his dysfunctional behaviors are, but there is not even any point in that until he moves out of the house. His parents' abuse would become overwhelming and even more manipulative if he got therapy while still living there.
I don’t really understand the whole „having to live with your parents“ thing... like... im in debt, I live off unemployment money, I can’t work because of mental health issues, etc. so there was one time I had to fill out paperwork about why I can’t live with my parents and I explained how abusive they were and that was it, nobody was able to force me to live with them even though I can’t afford my own place... so it confuses me how apparently sone people are literally forced... or are they not being forced and they just don’t want to use this option cause they hope that one day their family life will improve?
This couple is very interesting to watch
I really wish to know if Brandon had watched this show! He and his mother need to watch Debbie and Colt - see if it would raise their alarms?! Maybe he’s on the show to “triangle it “ and resolve the issue for them. She’s too dependent on her son - what might the husband be not providing for her emotionally? It’s so frustrating to watch. I feel bad for Julia walking into this and realizing this may be her future.
That mom is a problem. Brandon has to step up and set boundaries or he is gonna lose Julia.
I think this young lady is dragging herself to a toxic environment and expose herself to deal with unnecessary traumas. I agree with you Dr. Kirk about how you view him as trying to emotionally survive.
For the time in Washington Brandon might be best served if they ask what dinner or breakfast or sight seeing event they would like most to share to the mom. He can say how much he loves the parents and point out that there is plenty of opportunity to spend time together but spending time together as a couple is something that is important to him.
I heard that Brandon has a bit more of 10k debt. Maybe in USA sounds different but for me it is a lot! I can't imagine them living alone with such debts :(
It depends on your salary and financial situation. To me (as an American), 10k is definitely not a barrier to living alone. Most people I know have much more debt, especially when you include student loans.
10k is really not that much in comparison to most in the US
It's not that bad if he saves he can get rid of it in 1 to 2 years depending on his income
10k is a very small amount of personal debt for an American. Bear in mind that anyone who went to University will be hugely in debt by 21. 10k is nothing.
Almost everyone in the US has debt. The average debt is 30k
I am really hoping this couple won’t turn super toxic. Julia is by far my favorite!
In my culture this sort of MIL dynamic is not only normalised but is infact praised as the gold standard. In my culture its expected that the sons stay at home forever and when they marry their wife moves into the family home. Its normal for the MIL to be controlling, inteferring and critisise and scold the DIL regularly on every topic from what time she wakes up to what her cooking skills are like. If the couple ever try to go on a date the MIL gets angry and complains that why wasn't she invited? Same goes for gifts. If you speak out against this as a girl people bash you for being a terrible and selfish DIL. Like Brandon, many of the men play both sides and never actually vocalise what they want. People call me unreasonable and say I'm selfish etc because I refuse to marry into this type of toxic dynamic.
Wow!
Brandon's finally stepping up😍👏🔥❤.
I want to know why they keep those German Shepherds cruelly locked up in cages.