Therapist Answers Relationship Questions From Twitter | Tech Support | WIRED
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- Опубликовано: 13 фев 2023
- Licensed family therapist Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile answers the internet's burning questions about relationships. How do you know if someone is gaslighting you? Can a relationship withstand cheating? Do open relationships really work? What causes a marriage of fifteen years to fail? How do you know if your significant other is "The One"? Stephanie answers all these questions and much more.
Stephanie's RUclips Channel: / @stephanya
Stephanie's Instagram: / _steph.anya
Director: Justin Wolfson
Director of Photography: Eric Brouse
Editor: Chris Davies
Expert: Stephanie R. Yates
Line Producer: Joseph Buscemi
Associate Producer: Brandon White
Production Manager: Eric Martinez
Production Coordinator: Fernando Davila
Casting Producer: Nicole Ford
Camera Operator: Rahil Ashruff
Audio: Jeff Gaumer
Production Assistant: Patrick Sargent
Post Production Supervisor: Alexa Deutsch
Post Production Coordinator: Ian Bryant
Supervising Editor: Doug Larsen
Assistant Editor: Justin Symonds
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Развлечения
Thanks for having me! I'm loving your comments. Thanks for the kindness, everyone!
You were wonderfully concise and helpful, thank you so much ^_^ I recently realized I ascribe to ethical non-monogamy, and the way you answered the question about cheating felt very inclusive and open to all relationship styles. You pointed out that shared guidelines and communication are key. I was also happy to hear your narcissism answer, that was very integrative for me. All the best!
u have twitter we can follow ?
@@uberDukkha she has a RUclips channel. Steph Anya, LMFT
You were great, thanks for doing this.
I'm somewhat insecure in relationships, but I am usually trying to stay detached and not wanting to be in need of validation... What's wrong with me? Hah!
Love her advice to use someone who you’re tempted to ghost to instead use them as practice for having difficult conversations!
yep honestly ghosting is such a cowardly thing to do and its usually a red flag for this reason. Even if they love you, if they ghosted a lot of people before they generally arent good at communication in relationships
@@yakb.7690 All the people with the whole “I don’t owe them anything argument” are really contributing to how inconsiderate people are becoming in general. Yeah, you don’t owe them, but it would be kind of you to politely end it
@@yakb.7690...what if I told them that it's enough and they just wanna drag it out longer?.. it depends but if I don't have any better solution, opting to ghost won't make me coward.. as your comment might suggest.. mr/miss.KnowItAll
@@n0nenone if you say no and they keep going just block and ghost..? lik still decent to just say no first
@@n0nenone that's not really ghosting. Once you tell someone you don't want to interact with them anymore, you can leave it at that.
Ghosting is more, sudden. That's what makes it hurtful. Honestly when I got ghosted it was like I mourned the person.
I really like this expert. Please have her on again!
Common sense, expertise, layperson-level presentation without dumbing down, pleasant to listen to.
I think people that see her for therapy are really lucky to have her in their corner.
@@anthonyguerin7659 Thank you for letting me know - I will look her up.
😅
This felt truly well studied and spoken! Agreed 🎉
I really liked how she did not explain anxious and avoidant attachment styles as inferior or worse than secured like what most say. They just seemed like differences in people and hoping that your partner would be able to provide that needed security/space for you. I love that
anxious and avoidant styles are 'worse' though, since they're insecure. they exist because of unfavourable childhood experiences.
wanting space and wanting closeness are both valid and necessary, and are included in secure attachment. wanting an EXCESSIVE or unhealthy amount of space or closeness are what mark avoidant and anxious attachment respectively
Of course a therapist wouldn't say that something is "worse." But of course it's worse - they're maladaptive behaviors as a response to not feeling consistently safe, protected, and loved as a child.
I don’t understand people’s need to make a ranking of EVERYTHING. Attachment styles are tools to understand someone’s way to relate in order how to tackle your relationship or others with you. Attachment styles are not goals to attain, but the consequence of a million things that define a human being. And at the end of the day, maybe someone doesn’t want to deal with an anxious or avoidant style of attachment but for others, that’s ok.
now everyone in this reply section has a degree in psychology suddenly…lmaoo
I think that's true because I read an anxious attachment can also make the person with that attachment super attentive to their partners needs. And I experience this myself! I don't think about my own needs enough but I am so vigilant on fulfilling my partners.
How did she think she was gonna get cancelled for the splitting the bill answer? It was the most balanced respectful thing she could’ve said 😂
Right, it’s what most people would say nowadays 😭
there are a lot of people who believe that the person that asked the other out should pay, and it can also get dicey with gender roles in straight relationships and perceived masculinity/femininity in same gender relationships
All genders: At a *minimum* offer to pay! It's a red flag when someone assumes the person to pay without the simple gesture of offering to pay. For me it shows you're either not serious or will not be a team player down the line.
I was honestly so confused because to me that ice cold take seems like he most common opinion of all time
whoever asks should pay, but women almost always expect the guy to ask 💀💀💀 literally no changes
“Hey, ______ I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but the way your partner talks to me when you’re not around makes me really uncomfortable” that’s a good way to start out that convo if anyone gets out in a position where their friend’s partner is flirting this them. It’s a great way to start the dialogue.
youre so right, i like that idea. their response would tell me a lot about them (e.g. if they accuse, blame or insult you,, they do not care about themselves or you.
She forgot the most important part - bake your friend cookies like Phoebe did when she had to tell Rachel about Paolo. That helped a lot.
That’s why she said wait til your friend is disarmed lol one of the best ways to disarm someone before delivering bad news is baking them cookies I guess
Lmao😂
when your nurse gives you cookies in the hospital
@@Vashtibucket She should have suggested cookies. Otherwise her answer was good.
Yes!
“Says a lot about your friendship”.
That was the moment I liked her and decided to watch the rest of the video. More of her please! ❤️
I fully agree on your last point that kids are not something that can really be compromised on, as I've just had to go through that conversation with someone. I've known her for several months now, and she's practically the woman of my dreams; we click super well and have grown very close, but unfortunately we can never pursue each other romantically because she really wants kids and I really don't.
Good on you for being honest and not wanting to waste both of y’all’s time
You can totally compromise on it. Especially if the woman wants kids and the man doesn't. Just have a bunch of kids and give them all up for adoption as soon as they're born. The woman gets to have progeny and the man gets to not have to raise kids. No sane person would accept this compromise, but it technically meets the criteria for an adequate compromise
Absolutely agree. I said no to a possible relationship because I knew he wanted children. It turned pretty ugly but at least I knew my gut was correct.
Thats a hard one. My dad actually didn't want kids in his 20s, but he compromised because he really wanted to be with my mother. And he turned out to really enjoy fatherhood, and he's been an amazing dad. He says its the best thing he ever did. Not telling you to do a thing, but it is worth considering
@@DiederikCA I know I'd be a good dad, but it's really not something I want. It's an immense financial and time commitment that will never really go away; kids don't stop being your kids at 18 or when they move out like some people tell me lol. I don't want to gamble something like that if it turns out my current mindset sticks with me about the situation. I'll just be the cool uncle that has all the fun material possessions like off-road vehicles and fancy cars, and I'm confident that'll be satisfying enough for me.
I absolutely love that you advise people not to have kids if they actually don't want to. You just prevented a lot of child abuse down the line.
You may be surprised to see how some people who don't want to have kids actually get along with kids quite well. There are many reasons why someone doesn't want to have kids. Living in a country that doesn't support women with child raising, for example.
@@melaniesyxYep. I have never had the desire to bare my own children but I’d like to think I’m an amazing Aunt to my sister’s kids. They’re my whole world and I think that’s good enough for me :)
Strongly disagree, it won't prevent any. Most abusive people want to be parents, usually desperately so.
As far as who pays on dates, my wife and I kind of switched back and forth when we were dating. Basically, whoever was in a more financially-secure spot at the moment paid, or sometimes we split it. I never did understand the idea of one person always paying, especially if you're heading into what you hope is a serious relationship. That's a partnership. Everything goes both ways.
That's healthy thinking because there are some people that make it seem like it's usually a man that should. What would this teach women if they weren't capable to be on their own. I get if you financially can afford more expensive things for your date but in return couldn't get equal. Men are simple but usually never expect gifts or whatever because no one is being raised to think about them.
I would say this is a remnant of when men were the primary breadwinners/"providers"...although in this day and age, if you're both making money, it makes sense to share with each other IN MY HUMBLE OPINION.
What she said about attachment is very true. Im the type to fall under "anxiously attached" but my best friend is a lot more avoidant than i am and hes talked to me about how the reason im his favorite friend is because i actually give him his space when he needs it and hes allowed time to himself to disengage and recharge his social battery which he doesnt have with a lot of his other friends. Pay attention to the needs of the people around you because you may be disrespecting them unntentionally!
wait but if you're anxious then doesn't that mean your best friend often can't meet your needs since you need to be validated and attached more?
@@hc4846 I have other friends that can satisfy that need for me. I've also adapted to his needs and what times I can usually see him so its easier to go longer without interaction with him. The more i talk to certain people the more I desire their presence more.
Yes! I'm more secure/avoidant, and my best friend is anxious attachment. But we listen and communicate and understand our independence and when we need support! It's not about "they do or don't need me," it's more, "hey, what do you need? Space? A hug? Quality time? Just talking? Great!"
@@hc4846 Generally attachment style only really comes into play regarding romantic partners, as these are the relationships which we rely on most for safety and security. However if you're in say a group of single friends, you are more likely to play out your attachment styles on each other. This is why friendships often change when one friend get into a new relationship!
I really like the part where she mentioned that knowing your partner's love language can give out an inside of what can hurt them. Never thought of it in that way, so interesting!!
Her comments about being careful not 2 establish yourself as the enmy cause you don't know what ppl do 4 u behind closed doors is GOLD! If u think someone is low vibration, then elevate them.
She has a very good point but Its not always the case. My exes best friends told him of he wanted to cheat on me then I would never find out because they won't tell me.
The first problem is going on Twitter for relationship advice.
Never a more accurate comment
Yet here you are giving relationship advice on RUclips
@@otterruin hes not really tho
Do you think people coming to you for relationship advise is a better option? 🤣🤦♂️
ong
This was one of the best ones yet. I feel like this is such practical knowledge for everyone.
Thank you for talking about "Ghosting"! 100% the reason I stopped using dating apps. I'd much rather hear that the vibes were off, you are no longer interested, etc rather than have my time/energy wasted.
My husband always tells me I have my own version of reality. I never realized he was gaslighting me until I was out of the relationship.
This was too good to not have a part 2
I would only tell your partner that their friends are "losers" if those friends are actively causing harm - like your partner makes really bad choices around them, or they're damaging your relationship in some way. But if you just don't like the friends or you don't vibe with them or agree with them or whatever, but they're not having a tangible negative impact on your partner or relationship, I'd keep your opinion to yourself.
Yuppp I agree telling your partner who to be friends with is so controlling and disrespectful to who they are as a person..
Facts it’s giving mean girl/boy. Like you just want to humiliate your partner and assert power in the relationship by saying your friends are better than theirs. Weird
I've never been in a relationship nor do I really care for one but it's really nice seeing her explain things so well
Things like these make me so glad I'm single and solitary lol
That the best 14 minutes ever!! She is so soft spoken and sweet that I could listen to her all day. Does she have her own channel?
She does! @stephanyalmft
Yes, look up Steph Anya LMFT
YAAASSS STEPHANIE MADE IT ON HERE. I love her channel. Stephanie is so informative, insightful, and helpful! Yet again, another 10/10 banger video. Keep them coming!
What's her channel name?
@@sunnyday6679 it's in the video description :)
The advice about ghosting is some of the best advice I’ve ever heard! The more you practice having difficult conversations, the easier it gets is so incredibly true.
Unfortunately in the age of technology it makes it so easy to ghost people, which in return is hindering people’s social skills.
2:17 she rephrased the question in such a kind way!! she’s also just extremely knowledgable and genuine it seems. pleasure listening to her!
As person also working in the mental health field, I appreciate what she says in the video. Legit how I respond to a lot of my clients and I'm glad she's showing how insightful and awesome mental health professionals are!
More of her please!! I need her as my marriage therapist for me and my hubs lol
She has a RUclips channel!!
@@Rosalynn78 ohhh, I'll check her channel out! Thank you!! :)
Love how this all boils down to : communicating with your partner
If you have (those) self love practices.. it makes it a lot easier for the people around you to show you that they love you and it feels like an add on instead of a "need".
Words to live by.
5:37 I totally agree. Having men pay 100% of the time on dates is so antiquated! This isn't 1950 anymore, women have their own jobs and can pay for themselves. But ultimately I think context is the most important. If I drove 45 minutes to meet in his neighborhood, I would expect him to pay for dinner and vice versa. It's all about making it equal!
It's sad that they care more about what their mom decided for them 40+ years ago than the actual feelings of their date
Yep, I usually do it, I invited you? I pay. You invited me? You pay.
I agree. I usually do deutch in parts. If I paid for movie tickets, he'd pay for the dinner afterwards. Or if he got the tickets to the event, then I'd pay for the merchandise we got at the outing.
@Hannah Hester do you ask people out as often as they ask you?
So true! I also love going dutch in order to not create the pressure that I owe something to the other person since they paid for my food and allows me to be more objective. Once I'm comfortable we just take turns paying for outings :)
She was so fluid and easy to understand with her explanations..! It shows how greatly she understands psychology..!
she's so well-spoken! perfect speed, perfect wording and super educational!
I find it interesting that most of the answers in this video are having a honest conversation with your partner. Really comes to show how communication is key 🔑
I think she articulates so well. I would feel comfortable letting my walls down with her
Yes, she seems understanding
#SaveSoil #ConsciousPlanet
The nails with the hand mannerisms were what drew me in but what she was saying kept me watching! You may never read this but thank you for your insight and expertise, it definitely helped!
This was spectacular! I really loved watching this video, and you can really tell how knowledgeable Steph is. Thank you for making this video and for providing all these insights. I love it!
Ayyyyyeeee It's Steph Anya! I love her videos! She's always so real and informative. Please bring her back!
Thank you, Stephanie! It was a pleasure to hear you talk! I hope they bring you back soon and more often!
Super helpful! Hoping for a part 2.
Really appreciate your fresh perspective!
Bonus points for the eye/nail colour coordination 👌
Ghosting existed before the internet, people go their own ways, that's not the problem at all. The problem is that they don't give any kind of feedback while they are still present, so it stays unclear what the problem was. Leaving is never the problem. I was actually always surprised when someone started to become destructive on purpose in a friendship, giving a clear sign they've actually left, yet got offended when I closed the door behind them as if I was the one who left. Most people have no idea how they are percieved by others and they are stunned when they actually learn it, yet most people also dont give a flying hekk about giving any kind of feedback (because they assume others are better mindreaders than them), so after all these are connected.
This was amazing. This woman really is brilliant. Didn't think I would get so much clarity on things. Thank you.
Great questions and answers! Added bonus is the point that attacking a love language can cause a lot of hurt.
Great questions, especially the one about attachment styles. The answer she gave is a deeper understanding of how we see ourselves in light of our attachment styles, said style(s) not necessarily being a negative mark on one’s individuality and character (if they are of good character). It all leads back to effective reflection and communication.
Amazing choice of words .... This is the first time I have seen such a sensible therapist
She's perfect so clear speaking and knows her stuff thank you 🙌
This was great. Deserves part 2.
Great video- love her explanations and personal touch. Thank you!
Love it! I would like more advice or a professional/scientific POV on relationships outside a romantic context like families, friends, and the like. 😊
Really love all of your answers Steph!! And some of them are even relatable to my past and current situation... Thank you very much.
what a well spoken woman! She really communicates her points well, first time I've ever enjoyed a video this much, would LOVE to see more of her!
Wow! Never thought I could actually enjoy listening to a therapist so much. Great one WIRED. Please do a part 2 as well :)
OMG she is so well spoken, i love that!
I'm someone with autism. I have a relationship but in mine, everything is always so explicit and overall healthy, that i struggle to put myself in other people's shoes and understand how people have such issues when solutions seem so obvious and tend to be answered by: how about talking about it (in a constructive manner and in a state where you are both able to emotionally regulate if you get triggered). But in that one video, you helped me understand what others feel like in those situations better than most of the psychology books I've read. Thank you
I love the advice of investing in conversations with people you probably won't see again as practice for when you need to have tough conversations with people you love and care about.
This video helped me very much. Thank you Steph!
A book shoutout - the book "Eight Dates" by the Gottmans that Steph has on her desk with her is a FANTASTIC book which helps create space for a lot of these conversations. As a future LMFT (about to start my residency years) I can't recommend that book enough for no matter what stage of the relationship you're in with your partner(s)
This was so great we need another part please!
uhh as someone who's been ghosted on by her (now ex-)best friend, i wholeheartedly agree with this woman. in fact, i consider it rather rude to ghost someone and i'd rather you just tell me what's on your mind instead of suddenly letting everything slide.
You give good advice in a nice, friendly and relaxed way.
This presenter hit on every major topic that's relevant in everyone single person's life today; Values are the most important thing, DBT, 5-stages of grief, love language, self care... we NEED MORE of this please.
Thank you for all the advice! I am in my first relationship ever at 32 years old. Thank you for answering some of my questions I've had. OMG Self Love and Self Worth is what I needed to build and has been the goal in my 3 years of therapy. I can finally say, I got there!
She's so eloquent! Loved all her advice :)
Love this! Going to go follow her now. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
her advices are so good omg
Yay!! Love you Steph!!! Please keep coming back
Steph you are a blessing to this earth
I love Steph Anya and her channel! So exciting to see her on here
Her hair, nails, style, and thoughts... all so beautiful and well put together!!
Fantastic video. A lot of great information well said.
You are amazing!!! So so on top of your game. Bravo!
Love Steph! Super excited to see her here!
Absolutely loved this video and Therapist!
This was a great vid, would like to see another!
She’s amazing. I feel my mental health improve just by listening to her.
She is amazing. Great advice.
Not all therapists are this wise. She learned well! Wish my therapist was this good
Wow! A few minutes in and I'm enjoying this already. This is great :D
If you’re going to ghost someone. COMPLETELY ghost. DONT post, say or do anything in person or on social media that might be confused for continued interest. Cut off contact ALL THE WAY….
You’re not being cute or alluring. It’s causing unnecessary hurt by not making it a clean break.
Loved your answers! Very wise❤️
Yes! I love her channel and Love is Blind reactions! I learn so much!
The words of affirmation but made me see things differently in myself and I really appreciated that!
I need more ❤ love this session
She hit the nail on the head with every awnser. Really well done!
Wish you were my therapist....so open, so smart...so easy to talk to.. You make ALL therapists look good! ty
We want more Stephanie!
I love this therapist I watched her on another video. She's the best! 😍
She was so good! Loved her thoughtful answers.
Love this video and her insights!
Love her!! Her RUclips channel is phenomenal as well ❤❤❤
Pleasee bring her againn! We need tons of this
Love this!
Love this, thanks ❤
More of her videos please! p2, 3, 4!
This was awesome 👏
Need more of this
What a great video :) Thank you for sharing
Immediately clicked soon as saw Ms. Anya, Follow her, love her! She is a gem 💎❤️
One of the most practical videos thus far
Intellectual and stunning! Amazing video.