Why You're Sabotaging What You Really Want
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
- Welcome back to #KalynsCoffeeTalk. Today's chat is about self-sabotage; why we do it, what to do about it and everything you need to know from the book 'The Mountain is You' by Brianna Wiest ☕️
If you want early access to videos, bonus checklists, join the yoga studio, come to community events, enter monthly challenges or have more cozy/motivational content be sure to join the channel & become a member ✨
All Things Koze Blog & Shop ▹ allthingskoze.com/
All Things Koze Instagram ▹ / allthingskoze
Koze Flow Instagram ▹ / kozeflow
Kalyn's Instagram ▹ / kalynnicholson13
Coffee Talk Chapters ☕️
00:00 - Welcome ✨ Book Review
02:24 - Why we self-sabotage
05:32 - Your inner-narrative
07:55 - Go back to your first experiences
10:14 - My experience with self-sabotage
15:33 - Our judgement of other people
17:12 - We are habitual creatures
19:44 - Getting to the root of the issue
21:24 - List of ways you may be self-sabotaging and why
Kalyn's Books:
Catcher [dystopian fiction] ▹ www.amazon.com/dp/B07G7QSGM2/...
Dancing With Elephants [poetry] ▹ www.amazon.com/dp/1999415132/...
FEELS [self-development] ▹ www.amazon.com/dp/1999415124/...
Disclaimer: I am not a mental health specialist, just a Canadian gal with an old soul who likes to crack the ice on deep conversations that can foster personal growth and positive change.
❤ This Coffee Talk is not sponsored, no links are affiliate ❤
Stay Koze-y
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You're so brave being this vulnerable to share your truth. If the last few years proves anything it's that there may be less people truly seeing you but it's because you're being true to yourself. You are not trying to please everyone anymore and as a result you aren't The people who matter still see you and you are learning to see you and you may have lost subscribers but as someone who followed your journey for such a long time to me it seems you have gained so much more; integrity, value and self- worth. You stand out from the crowd because instead of trying to conform to numbers and statistics you paved your own path. You are original and offer so much more than anyone else so of course people will be threatened and yes, I fully relate. Nelson Mandela said ' Your playing small doesn't serve the world. Do not shrink so that others feel comfortable around you.' I look up to people like you who blaze a different trail because that's harder to do than imitation. I get so much value now- yes, your earlier videos about productivity were uplifting but your reflection and introspection is what made it special and gave your followers permission to live a more rounded, balanced life, where you taught us where our real value and happiness and health is. I'm glad you desired to be wise instead of lies and awake instead of fake.
well said 🧚♀️
Spitting out TRUTH 🙌🏾💖✨
Loved this! I recently pulled out of competing. I know I didn’t self sabotage but this makes sense because my heart was not in it. We have to really deeply feel our souls wanting it in order to be successful at anything. I will def pick this book up. I appreciate your vulnerability.. that’s tough. All my love 💗🌸
Ohhh I love the new set up
What I really love about you is that you are very true to yourself. You are you and not ashamed of it. You are a source of inspiration to me for that :) .
When I moved out of the country to live in the city,where there were more opportunities to pursue my degree and career, people started getting hateful with me. Telling me I shouldn’t do something risky, I should marry a well to do guy and continue living in the country, that I thought I was better than other people because I wanted to pursue my degree. I learned you don’t even have to be successful for other to try and pull you down. Just trying to better yourself and go after your passions is enough to get negative energy from others.
it’s interesting when i think back to when i and my siblings were all in school, my brother and sister were getting bad grades, and i always got good grades. my stepdad had a habit of comparing them to me, which i knew was bad to them, and it also affected me. i, in wanting to protect them from that, felt i had to hide my good work. in other areas of life where i excelled, if they or even my parents made any comment about me doing “better” or doing “more” than they could, i didn’t want my progress to make them look down on themselves, so i started lowering my performance to match what they did. they didn’t belittle me or put me down, but i felt bad that my natural ability seemed to make them look down on themselves like that. i think now, i still struggle to let myself excel and to share my abilities in fear of causing others to feel less than me. i never want anyone to feel less than, so i bring myself down to others’ levels in areas where i could stand out. it’s not good for anyone involved because we all excel and stand out in our own ways.
This is sooooooo relevant kalyn!
I found your channel recently and I can't thank you enough for what you're purposely putting out in the world. I've taken to your wise words, there's enough pie for everybody. Thanks again -indiana girl
Thank you for opening your heart 🙏🙏🙏🌟🌟🌟 LOVED YOUR TALK. SE REAL 🙏💕🔮
Shine, sister, shine
When you dare to shine, I dare to shine. And when I dare to shine, you dare to shine. So lets shine together, and make other sisters shine to 🌟
I don’t comment much. Even being in an older generation than you I feel that you have wisdom and genuine love and respect for others and your open mind is so refreshing. You are an influencer in the most humble ways. I watch your videos from both channels as they have influenced me greatly in building more self worth self reflection, great topics but I attribute that to how you transmute your findings and experience into meaningful discussions and it’s so delightful to hear someone else speaking of things the way I do. I like hearing your take on several similar avenues of interest that others around me often view as excessive or boring or too witchy for their taste. I feel in sync with your vibes. I’m able to relate to you like you are my far away friend. In good times its like right on -yaz someone else on this journey and recent years bad times I have found solace in the way you are able to connect to sheer strangers and me speaking personally I don’t feel so alone and unseen. I think you are smart knowledgeable and quirky, intuitive and brave, pretty and inviting, just pure gold in character. Thank you for being an inspiration. I love the way you embrace growth and change over the years. You have definitely served as a life line for me without even knowing it and I truly appreciate the day I stumbled onto your feed.
Oh man! I wasn't expecting to have such a strong emotional response to this video! I didn't realize how many areas in my life I am self sabotaging! 🤯 definitely need to read this book and start working on some things.
Same almost everything she mentioned I was nodding my head saying yup me!
OMG I am currently reading this book✨🙈❤️
This book was so eye opening and wonderful to read together in the book club
Because of feeling so different from everyone else growing up, I alienated myself a lot as well and I self sabotage in isolating ways that make me feel even more alone in the world. Like negative self talk and putting myself in boxes to differentiate myself from others. Learning to accept myself and connect more fully to others and have been the most healing for my own way of sabotage
I have a deep need to feel seen and to feel secure. This book gave me that insight.
Also, if in any case needed:
you are liked
you are seen
you are safe
Thank you so much for this! I need to buy this book. This video hit home and got me thinking "holy crap... I think I have some work to do" lol
You really are my favorite RUclipsr. I follow you for so many years. You Truly are a beautiful soul! Such an inspiration💚
Might be crying before I go into work, I didnt know I needed thissss
Yes; more book recommendations please.
Always love these chats and love the new coffee talk corner! I just finished reading this book last month because it was my book club book as well! Universal alignment anyone? I felt the same way going through this book. I wasn’t sure what I was going to get from it but was open to the experience and wow did it open my eyes. Thanks to your chat & the book I have been able to see places I desire to go back and feel in order to promote more growth!
Yes please do videos on your thoughts on dating and your stories! when one is successful it is really HARD!
This book has been on my to read list for a while now, since I've seen several other people recommend it, but this coffee talk has definitely convinced me to go buy it! Thanks for the honest review and anecdotes!
This book looks really good. I am going to try to read this when the book in available in my library. Great video, you're really an amazing person who analyzes so well. Happy Monday.
This was exactly what I needed this morning. I could feel my emotions stirring up at the points that hit home. I will definitely need to take a look at this book. Thank you for the insight and addition to my TBR!
Woah thank you so much for bringing up this topic
I really am working on self love and self acceptance these days but i keep failing
I try to accept myself fully but it's so hard because by default I've never had a healthy realtionship with myself and i think that I'm the one who's standing in my way more often that not so I'd love to hear your advice on this topic
As usual thank you for this pep talk
Imma listen to it now while having my camomile tea😌💛
Self love and self acceptance takes such a long time to fully feel, so I empathize a lot. Had a moment of getting there this year, and I cried a lot because it felt so needed.
For me it helped a lot to learn about myself in a way that I knew why I functioned the way I do, so that I knew that I'm not being "bad" at being q human being. Connecting with others I relate to and learning about how the human brain works were great tools on the way. Put the biggest help for me was learning how to actually give myself permission to put up some boundaries without feeling guilty. And why that is so important. To know how to take best care of yourself. These things got me a long way and I wish you the very best of luck on your journey to self love and acceptance ❤️
@@marthelea wow you really summed it up so beautifully
You seem such a beautiful genuine soul and I'm sure it must've been hard for you but you achieved it and it surely inspired me to work on myself
Thank you for writing down these precious words I'll remember them for a long time :)
Oh my goodness. "If you are having self-defeating thoughts, listen to me loud ...." I've played this over and over about 15x ❤
what a topic! thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic, definitely going to be reading this book soon.
NEED to buy this one! it resonated way too much
always so relatable. always what i need to hear. and those of us who your content continue to resonate with are still here, im so happy to have grown and learned alongside you since 2013 💜
Thank you for this! As always, putting out the topics when I need it most
I feel like you articulated the exact words I've been looking for in self sabotaging my own career, isolation in childhood, and having a narcissist parent so you just want to be seen. it's a double edged sword because any time I do start to find some momentum, I actually fear being seen because not being seen feels normal to my nervous system. I feel like I'm getting there through breathwork & yoga (fellow instructor here), but healing these wounds certainly isn't a linear process. thank you for talking about this Kalyn, you certainly aren't alone in your experience. I've seen a few others post about this book so I went ahead and ordered it. Excited to read!
I’m reading this book right now and it’s been so enlightening!
Thank you so much for this lil chat 💛 I realized this about myself a few years ago. I call it creating chaos when I fall into a predictable or comfortable routine. I grew up around complete chaos and find that I will "insert" it into my life when I get comfortable (which is unfamiliar).
This is SUCH an important concept that I wish more folks were aware of!
I wish we could be friends lol you're so awesome! Take care and I look forward to your next episode 💘
I loved it too! A very full packed video with such deep thoughts. 🥰 I will journal with it 🤗💫
This was very helpful, thank you for making a video on this subject ! I'm very guilty of mindlessly scrolling and definitely could try to work through that one 😅
Surprised to find the book I am reading is a focus point for this discussion. I thought I hit rock bottom a month ago after being shunned by my closest friends and losing my mother to cancer. Now, as the book predicted, I have made some difficult changes to bring about a greater good only to find myself more scared than I ever thought imaginable. I am trying to have hope. Looking forward to what Kalyn has to say and am open to the community's advice if they have any for me.
this helped me a lot, i thank you!
This really hit home with me! Thank you for helping me on my journey of happiness🙏🙏
This video really resonated with me, Kalyn. After some recent self-reflection, I've come to the conclusion that I've been self-sabotating myself professionally. I've been stuck in a job that I don't like for nearly 3 years but I've realized that even before this I've always been in high-stress customer service facing roles that don't fit my personality or my goals. And this is because instead of being intentional about what I want to do with my career, I just accept whatever is thrown at me and hope that it sticks out of desperation and eventually telling myself that I don't deserve or am not capable of finding anything better. The one place that I did initially think was good for me ended with me having panic attacks over a abusive workplace so I discarded that career path completely and fell back into the old pattern of self-sabotage. Your video just confirms for me even more that it's time for a change.
thIS CAME AT THE RIGHT TIME!
PLEASE DO MORE
Thank you so much for that!♥️
I loved todays coffe talk! What really resonated with me was that I self sabotage because fear of success meaning that in the past whenever I succeeded in something people (strangers, family members, freinds ) would pick me down, and do horrible things to me. This has made me fear going all in into anything I want in life and wanting to succeed. These have never been my views on success but has been molded by the people who felt threatened. This book is amazing and will continue to work on this area in my life.
Yay.. thank you
Love this type of Koze vibe - a deep dive into self improvement. My favorite! Lots of love
i dont go on YT as often but when I do I can always count on you to have recently posted something I needed to hear. Long time subscriber here
I just downloaded the audiobook yesterday! I cannot wait to "read" it now. I very much self sabotage in a lot of areas of my life due to my childhood trauma. I am starting to work through these things but wow.. I didn’t think of some of the ways I have been doing it… Thank you so much for this episode!
Just watched this video and wow, didn’t realize how much I would cry on a Sunday morning. What a beautiful video, thank you for being so vulnerable. It’s made me realize I do A LOT. Of self sabotaging , definitely need to pick up this book. Oh and keep these reviews coming, love them so much ❤
Thank you so much for sharing your story, can totally relate to the issues you had growing up! *virtual hug* Regarding your content I feel like it's becoming more authentic than ever. I've been here for probably 7 years or so and I feel like we really grew together, I also got more into self-development and spirituality a few years ago and now I feel like I really get to know you and I love the deep philosophical talks! Always feel so inspired, calm and especially understood afterwards. So thank you for that! And I'm sure you'll attract the right people like me who genuinely value your content 💜⭐
I never really comment but WOW this was an amazing video, just touched my soul...Thank you for this.
Love your courage to talk about how you lost your subscriber and how you dealt with that. I really can relate about how over analyzing a situation and feelings to the point it self- sabotizing ourself. I also happy when you talk about how most people actually jealous to other's succcess until they scutinize them. It is a great coffee talk.
Thank you for sharing this book. I bought it today excited to read it.. ❤🙏
25:15 literally made me tear up (it actually surprised me-felt silly for it but it really stuck) Thanks for posting this….I know that people say this all the time, but I guess I really needed this video ☺️
Thank you for opening up! I feel very identified with every video of yours. Greetings from argentina!
Thank you for the video, Kalyn. I find that i self sabotage myself when i start doing good/catch momentum and i get scared things are going too smooth 😂 thanks again 😊
Very well put out there, amazing chat , really enjoyed the flow and the topic is so so intresting , congrats!
I have the issue of always feeling like I have to be productive or “doing something” to feel successful whether it’s working on a project or looking at jobs or looking at and taking action on going back to school. I never know if it’s something I really truly want or if I’m just trying to stay productive.
So good thank you for sharing
Missed the book club but I am definitely going to read this. Really resonated with the sabotaging success and connections with others. Having that deep desire to be liked and accepted is so real.
That was perfect! Thank you so much! I'm right now buying this book, however you've already touched me with a few things to the point of tears. Thank you once again!
And everybody: I'm right now in kindle store and buying book plus I see there is also a workbook which I'm going to indulge as well:) good luck to everyone 😁💙
this was so helpful. really clicked to release really big shadows.
Loved this chat 💛 I think I self sabotage by not letting people get too close to me sometimes, if I can reject them first or tell myself I don’t need them, then I prevent myself from getting hurt. I think this is mostly in friendships where I’ve experienced a lot of pain.
Your experiences sound really painful. I admire your success and think you have a brilliant business brain and have created a lovely community. Not that we should care about my opinion of your life, focus on your own, but still :)
thank you!
I ordered the book and a calender that is also kind of a self love journal 🙏🏻 heard of this book befors but this just Made me buy it because I feel like I neeeeed it 😅
Thank u so much for opening up and giving examples. I was just listening to it in the background while preparing food... but it really resonated and now I definitely gonna buy it.
Also the book club sound interesting. I mostly read for myself and I kinda miss talking to people about my thoughts, feelings and the general insights of books (... I might even miss school for that? 😅 What is wrong with me). Anyway, I gonna look into that =) have a great day
I’ve been meaning to read this book for months!!! Thank you for being so vulnerable with these topics. Genuineness is so rare in this space and so refreshing to see ❤️ You briefly mentioned growing up with a narcissist and I’m wondering if this is something you’d be willing to talk about more? I recently allowed someone into my life that I showed narcissistic tendencies. How do you recover from those types of relationships? Or continue to live with that person in your life? Either way you show amazing strength of character and resilience being as empathetic as you are ❤️❤️
When you said you had a narcissistic parent I never related more 😢 the book and this coffee talk are by far one of my favorites. Thank you for sharing, Kalyn!
I’m reading this book currently I’m on page 43. I’m taking my time reading. I notice few of Brianna Wiest words resonate with me.
Only 13 mins in and I'm already 😢
❤️ how you keep it real
And yeah, people are still really threatened by successful women 😕
I have been almost all of these at one point or another… or maybe still currently… But now days… I’ve mostly been self sabotaging the idea of me ever being a parent.
All my life I've been quite lonely but the narrative I've gotten about popular people are that they are all pretty stupid and mean, although this isn't true.
And I know if I increased my status, people would be more scared and resentful towards me. Meanwhile if you have low status, people feel comfortable around you but don't really respect or desire you.
I'd just like to have self love, a fulfilling social life, fun memories and experiences and be someone that people both respect and feel safe with.
I don’t remember if it was on your main channel or this one but you shared some books you were reading and one of them happened to be Circe and when I went on a Target run and picked it up ❤️
I feel like I need to read that book now
completely unrelated point; I really fancy this scottish guy and his accent- oh my god, it just does something to me on a visceral level!
I really like Meik Wiking books. He is a happiness researcher, I am currently starting the art of making memories and read the little book of hygge (excellent book) .
I missed you…… I was busy and couldn’t watch your video. It felt like I am talking to my BFF after a long time
You are amazing
I do it with with people and work
Speaking high school I was a outcast back 2005 to 2007 and 2010 to 2013 I use to live in foster home for adults. Just me, my old roommate and our provider. She was extremely narcissistic. I have high anxiety from her
14:08 My ex hated when I would pay but my now husband never bats an eye when I occasionally pay for our meals. Just talk it through. I've found someone truly confident doesn't mind, someone that has insecurities feels lessened.
🙏🏼✨🙏🏼✨
This video really hit home today 💔
OH MY GOD, I just had a huge epiphany! I was always wondering why I was attracting sucky guys even though my parents had a lasting marriage and were really loving. And it just hit me! My parents are very conservative and growing up in church I was always taught not to date before “marriage” because dating is “bad” and if I date I’m going to go to hell. And if I date guys will take advantage of me and hurt me because they don’t have marriage as an intention especially if it’s guys not from church. And of course that’s what I attracted, hot and cold unserious relationships with guys who just wanted me for my body and not for me. And I always thought something was wrong with me but truth is I was just afraid of introducing anyone to my parents because they would disapprove. I’m 27 now and definitely not too young to date. But now I have to change my perspective that it’s absolutely a good thing to date and guys are serious and won’t treat me like an object.
No no no you can’t say Jupiter !!! I was fixed on you saying to the moon 🌝!!! 😊
I self sabotage when it comes to my own goals
Also maybe everyone here already knows the ins and outs but I’m interested in the book club and curious about how to be involved. For two reasons - community which I desperately need and doesn’t Kalyn always choose the best books! Haven’t read them but they always sound so good and I like listening to the reviews/discussion on them anyway.
Can someone let me know how to join book club and what is involved in the group? Thanks in advance.
What would I do without you!!! ❤️
I just won't watch this video now because I picked up this book to read this week 🥰
How do you actually feel your feelings tho.. I've been struggling with that, as I psychoanalyze myself and my feelings a lot too, but I feel like I'm not fully releasing or healing.. In other words, how do you walk through the tunnel to get to the other side?
Ouch
Could you please talk more about being raised by a narcissist!? I definitely was and it is really hard to talk to people about. They think you are just being over dramatic.
I think people sabotage themselves because they are afraid what their family and friends think about them! I would say do not hang around people that are negative that will bring you down!!🤔🤔
Well i would honestly like to be a friend of yours 😇 you're a beautiful human being :) greetings from the Baltic sea out of Germany 🌊
Well i do Not know about Sabotage. But there is Something Else i am strangely right now. There is this man. We have been in a relationship. And tried friendship. Currently it is just diffecult.
He is hot and cold with me. I am the keeping the conversation going. And currently He is in the cold Phase. And i am Kind of sick of this behaivor. I told him a Billion Times, that i Love him and that i want a relationship.
The really hard Thing in this, that he has kids with his ex wife. And i Miss Them. I became Friends with them over the last 2 years.
Been there for the past year, if you're telling him how you feel and it isn't being reciprocated then, as horrible as it is, it isn't there for him. Set yourself free and be open to someone that does reciprocate it.
It’s kinda creepy that I clicked on this video because I just bought this book and I’ve been inconsistent with reading it
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us 🫶🏻 I have this book on my wishlist 🏔
First of all, I'm Loving the new filming location! 😍🪴 Idk what it is, but it has really good vibes! :D Secondly, I have been wanting to read this book for the longest time, now I'm definitely gonna pick it up asap. I went into this thinking I knew how I was self-sabotaging, but more than once I felt like...wait a minute! I'm so glad you brought this topic up, it's opened my eyes of the many ways I've been holding myself back and I hope I'll be able to break this pattern. I seem to struggle with a mix of "numbing", and keeping myself non-threatening. Every time I make any kind of progress towards my goals I stop advancing and distract myself from that feeling of negligence, then when I feel really bad I try to work towards my goals again and the cycle continues. Hopefully now that I understand this better and with the tools you've given us (+the ones I'll find in the book) I can make a positive change! 🙏✨💕